Ok ok so listen up ok c'mere yeah get close and settle in alright ok
It's a long one gang. and not wholly important but. I finally defined this for myself and now I really wanna share.
When I say I love body body horror, I'm almost never talking about straight up gore...
When I say body horror, I mean it as in metamorphosis.
I want body horror that remakes somebody.
body horror that re-challenges the question of what it means to be human.
Body horror which explores how someone could define personhood, humanity, and overall identity for themselves, when they have been irrevocably changed.
I finally found the words for it, and that right there is the shit that I absolutely devour. The stuff that makes me grin manically off into space when I think about it too much. The stuff that has me kicking, near-falling out of bed late at night, whenever I find a fic by an author who really sinks their teeth into that narrative and doesn't let go.
—
Another subsection of this is...a little less clear. Maybe not even body horror at this point but I wanna talk about it too, so hear me anyway: Body horror that invades the mind as much as the body.
Think, like, “ship of Theseus,” but of the mind.
In terms of symbiotes
In terms of parasites
In terms of overlays and integrations and merging, fusing, or otherwise mind-reshaping connections.
Mind(?) horror in terms of additions.
I'm talking about the pervasive (or maybe undetectable) something-is-here-that-was-not-before.
And maybe there’s a clear line of separation between you and it or maybe it’s just…you.
and hey! wait a minute pal. "You?" let's struggle to redefine that too while we're at it.
I'm talking about mind(?) horror (gonna call it mind horror until somebody corrects me) in terms of searching, unable to find where you end and this Other begins, (if anywhere.) Desperately trying to find the draw the line where you would no longer be considered yourself.
Because what is the self?
(identity and personhood cropping up once more, I see. nice✨)
But--no, really. How do you define your self?
Change is natural, yes, and everybody evolves and shifts who they are over time.
But maybe there's nothing natural about this. There is something not-you that is now-you and how, how, how do you know.
it could be mind horror in the sense that you feel as though a part of you has been missing. Maybe you’re somehow complete now--still yourself, but simply more.
But it could also be an overload, too much of this self entirely, where you become unfamiliar with what should be the most intrinsic part of you.
--
As a final wisp of what I'm grasping for, (we are now in the "figuring it out as I'm typing it" phase,) I'm gonna try for the last piece of this, the darkest bit I think, which is:
What if it didn't feel horrible?
Something about how that sort of metamorphosis, be it mental, physical, or a secret third option, can be...a really specific kind of awful. Violating, even, if conjoining with something Other.
(though that depends highly on the consent to who's being changed, and all the same they could have no idea what they're fully getting into,) Or, aside from that, majorly dysphoric if the body decides to up and morph/mutilate/restructure all by itself.
It could logically feel like the worst thing to happen, but at the same time...be painless. Maybe, at the end of it, something in the body is lit up, more content than ever, saying "yes. this is right. this was always right."
Something about maybe wishing it hurt, wishing it was as painful or horrible as it felt like it should be, but indtead finding it to be sickening right. And how do you deal with that?
Of course, in the other vein, we have:
something joining you.
You hate it.
it loves you.
(yaddayaddayadda something something---reaching a point of what is it and where are you and who is who and the nightmare cognitive dissonance mindfuck identity crisis that would likely be induced. Can you trust your emotions? does something else have a hand in them now? etc. etc. etc. guh.)
--
o. k.
ooookayy
ok
ok.
ok.
I...was GONNA touch on free will some more, and if it's possible to determine if autonomy can exist when a mind has been fundamentally altered, but my words are running dry.
Also, I didn't think that "you are remade" and "something joins you, remaking you (plural)" would pull me in two separate directions so hard. Because yeah those two hold wildly different implications and different potential for questioning/addressing all that shit and more.
I may come back to this later when I'm coherent again, but--y e a h.
Anybody who explores this in their writing, you are awesome. I want you to know that reading it makes me physically ill in the best way possible.
7 notes
·
View notes