#omg I need to see this irl !!
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strawberry train 🍓 x
#omg I need to see this irl !!#cottagecore#japanese aesthetic#train aesthetic#strawberry#strawberries#cute#trains
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#because honestly? truly?#all of Rhine Lab can go to hell#this event and Dorothy’s Vision made me HATE scientists so much omg#ultra eugenic soulless geniuses with god complexes and the ability to wreck lives#Dorothy and Kristen are prime examples of ‘mfs will do wholly unethical experiments instead of going to fuckin therapy’#it’s not enough that Parvis died I need to see him SUFFER#how they gone make Fernidand look halfway reasonable compared to most other high ups at Rhine??#honestly it reminds me of how tech irl is the main arm of technofascism#BUT I loved this event truly#Lonetrail was captivating in a way no other event story has thus far#annoyed that they kinda edged us on the whole Doctor origin reveal but eh#they can’t spill all the beans so soon LOL#deadass tho I see how this is the set up for Endfield#arknights#明日方舟#lone trail
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i always get nervous posting my art bc i feel like i draw him Different than how other ppl do but i guess that is a good thing kinda. peace and love. god bless🙏
#im in love with him btw. in case anyone didnt know#licorice cookie#cookie run#my art#i have more art but ^^ i stay silly#idk i feel weird posting my stuff online nowadays even though i literally need to if i wanna get a job making art😭#i used to post it all the time but being in a Fandom and feeling insecure abt the kinda different way i see media made me so sad and angry#im a lot better now but its... *sigh* yea guys it actually does help to interact with your friends irl and stay off of social media sorry#anyways omg i have so many ideas and stuff for my oc and licorie but i dont wanna be cringey!!!!!! i feel like nobody cares so i jus keep#it to myself but if anyone wants to see stuff i wouldnt mind it if u told me sumhow..
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girls being nice to me gets me higher than ecstasy ever could
#SORRY for the corny post but this is how i truly feel not waxing poetic here like literally it does#i just met the cool girl i keep talking about & IT WAS SÅ FREAKEING ÅSUM ^_^_^_^_^_^ YAY#HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY#OK sorry for screaming But i really am very excited...#turns out she is autistic & we discussed our neuroses while eating & ugh she is just as cool as i thought she was#always tell people you think have Swag that you noticed it on them see how it worked for me#i was so scared of spilling my spaghettis but turns out that was exactly what i needed to do to be friends ^_^ YAY#we went to a lot of different libraries together & i got a small old eyeless bunny plush from the event we went to caus i felt bad for it#i even showed her my pony art & i told her about my cringe interest (that music event i like...♯RealOnesKnow )#& she thought it was COOL.& i felt like it was really genuine & she talked about reading BL LOL we discussed fujos together#we even talked about finding moids ugly#it was so awesome she was so cool & Nice To Me... i feel like i am on CUMULONIMBUS ( cloud 9 ) ^_^_^_^_^_^#talking to her in person was so much better than online OMG now i wish i really was friends with you muties IRL#i wish you a Girl Friend experience just like this to those who post about wanting them i really do#also the reason why i even like my Music Event so much is because the first time i watched it was with a bunch of women#& i had so much fun & they were so nice to me i keep returning & now that Event means so much to me & I LOVE IT sorry (NOT)#i know this sounds like tumblrina fiction i would not believe it either IDK what to say to make it sound legitimate 0_0 like it is so crazy#to me as well IDK i can barely get over it & IDK if i really want to so um well YAY ^_^ AIMU SO HEPI :DDD
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i love weed okay. i’m never gonna stop smoking it rver. but sometimes i wonder if it fucked up my intelligence. and i can’t remember if i was like this pre smoking but i feel like i’m just really really stupid in like an annoying way 😭 like i know thiughts and i have opinions and i know facts but if my friends ever engaged in an active conversation that isn’t about weed i can’t follow or understand. horrified one day someone will try to argue with me and i’m gonna be too fried to reply coherently and just mumble a bunch of ‘what? what are you talking about? what does that even mean?’
#kitty talks#sometimes i feel really really fucjing self conscious abt it. unfortunately im also not like. musically/artistcally taleneyed#im just kind of here. idrk if theres anythung im Really good at but whatever#if only i got more art/guitar hobby support as a kid instead of . sports? snd then nothing else#could u imagine how good id be. i’ve played guitar for 6 years and im just Sooo bad and lame on it#ive been trying to learn but the intelligence thing is getting in the way cause. ur telling me i have to listen to some stranger on my +#phone talk abt guitar terms and teach me snd its. avideo snd im irl and its somehow supposed to make sense to me??? kys omg i cant do it#i cant do reading or video instructions and etc i need someone to be by my side who can see everythubg im doing snd tell me . god#i wish i had money fir guitar lessons or somethung waaaa or a friend who really wanted me to learn guitar snd taught me cause they love me <
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this is basically my kyle playlist
california girls is rlly carrying the angst so sad((she eants me(2 b loved) is not the sadest song ots just the 1st))
#most if the songs r about alex ngl i love her sm#goodmirbing!! my headaches gone yiipppee!!!!#tgus doodles from yesterday tho lol#i was gonna post it on my kyle doodle acc but like?? not anymore#i drew him kinda leaky srry man#actually no not srry CRY MORE#this guy needs therapy idc what u say#i mean most of them do byt like i will ralk about his silly lil issues hes got sm of those#i feel so bad 4 the ppl i talk 2 omfg#i just talk talk talk & never shut up & THEY DONT TELL ME 2 SHUT UP?? makes me frel bad like oh shit i just yapped @ u im so srry#not even talking about dc all the time#its worse when its dc omg#‘no i like hearing u talk’ like uhm DO U? i can make u regreat that here let me talk about kyle rayner#all the ppl irl having 2 deal w/me shuffling trough comics & me making them see smth on my phone 4 context#i swear i dont talk over ppl ot @ least i rlly try not 2#srry im like sleepy @ am remembering going over 2 1 of my parents friends house &i just talked talked talked#i was ddoung basically a horrible stand up routine#skjfkfkvkkgg#anyaysd kyleee omgg kyle raynerr??!!!#im so srry kyle nation#my kyle tag lmao#kyle rayner#<- is scared#2 put that#dc#puppee art#i think instead of talk talk talk i should say ramble ramble ramble
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shouldnt compare myself but i see girls on social media get treated so nicely by their partners 🙄and i wonder why i dont ever receive that blehhhh
#i mean my ex wld do nice stuff for me but#sometimes i see stuff where its like omg who do i have to be to deserve that#🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄blablabla its whatever and yes i can find the love i want within myself blablabla#i actually like being alone ppl always tell me i need to get used to it and its like i am used to it#idk🙄i dont rly see ppl that often atm#i would get antsy if i was at that guys place too long cuz i wanted to b alone#i just accept shitty behavior or come off as a low maintenance gf or something idk🙄#and also generally how do ppl find men like that cuz most men r not like that like seeing men on social media plan dates and put sm effort#that doesnt exist irl😒
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being both gnc and trans is so hard sometimes. it's like, I'll face adversity for being gnc/trans/whatever-strangers-read-me-as, and in addition to the normal base-level difficultly and pain and fear of these experiences, I'll also feel on some level like it's "my own fault" too because this is what I purposefully decided to be.
I often dress/act like a girl but have a deep voice/facial hair/flat chest -- and I opted in for all of those. I spent more money than I can conceptualize in order to medically transition in those ways. while, in theory, I could've saved the money, not transitioned, continued dressing/acting the same way as I do now, and the problem would no longer exist... in theory. ofc logically I know that's not at all how it works. if I hadn't transitioned I would feel even worse. and the way I'd experience & express gender would still be intrinsically different from "cis girl" -- that's true regardless of how my body looks or sounds. which should all go without saying, because I very obviously don't conform to my CAGAB either. if I did I wouldn't be in this mess!! u know?
...but the self-blame is still there, because for better or for worse I did go out of my way to become myself. <- feels like a truism.
#the other big self doubt-y issue I've been experiencing lately re: being gnc and trans#is feeling like I'm ''faking'' something. to sooo many people I've just come out as a femme/nonbinary man#with no mentions of my cagab cause that's not something I like to share around irl lol#and then I complain ofc about how I'm treated for being feminine. and everyone gives me sympathy which is nice#but it's hard to fully accept cause I wonder how many of them are assuming I was shunned the same way growing up.#when in reality I was punished for not being feminine *enough*.#and ik it shouldn't/doesn't matter in this context. I still struggled then and I still struggle now; they don't cancel out#but it almost feels like I ''tricked'' my way into a marginalization that I don't ''actually'' belong in. idk#like as if I'm ''secretly'' a girl and just pretending my normal girlhood is subversive for attention#or like I should have just been content with the relative safety of my assigned social role#(hm... where have I heard ''why can't you just be ok with being a girl?'' and ''they're just doing it for attention'' before 🤔)#it's def leaps of logic & self-directed transphobia all around but it's hard to shake#and there's a real fear somewhere mixed into it all too of ''what if someone finds out my cagab and decides I'm not actually trans/a man -#- by *their* transphobic logic. even if they previous supported me''.#anyway I hope no one minds the long vent-y post. I needed to sort out my emotions here lol#I have an old ''omg I love being confusing and ambiguous XD'' post gaining notes rn for some reason and#seeing it again while mentally working thru the above just made me feel ill and confused and guilty. feeling better now <3#and I do love being trans & I love being a femme & I love being a man with a broad and fluid gender#it's just hard too sometimes
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oh while i'm on the subject of the con i want to say i also found this anime booklet that had no fewer than THREE illustrations of waver i had never seen before (sorry for phone pictures, i might scan them eventually)
yes waver gets a full page in both rider's section AND his own section. (gil is the only other one to get two full pages like this. kiritsugu, the ostensible main character, gets one page. waver sweep etc)
they also put him at the kids table. smh he was having a MOMENT there with his stolen library books >:(
+bonus back cover iskandar
the illustrations of gil (gil and saber get the front cover) and diarmuid are also very nice but this ain't about them
#please imagine my glee. flipping through these boxes of books. and seeing gil and saber first like omg fatezero jumpscare#and then flipping it over to realize i needed to purchase it Immediately#and THEN taking the book and going to sit down and take it out of the sleeve and finding the wavers inside#my waver gacha luck in fgo and irl during con weekend was Surreal#levblogging#long post ???
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I’ve watched and re-watched this too many times to count.
Also, thank you @chuckschippedchomper for sending me the original video so that could turn it into a gif and cherish it forever.
#bruins lb#boston bruins#omg smitty#craig ily#craig smith#his missing teeth ugh#if you know me you know i love a man with missing teeth#but especially him#mama i love him#one day im gonna see him irl and im gonna die#like- im already dead#on the floor. dead#i need to be resuscitated#he's just so-#i have no words to explain#just- no words
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Love to wake up in the morning only to cry for the third time about today's failed plan, I was supposed to go to a water park with a coworker but she bailed on me yesterday evening.
Having plans failing bc people bail on me and having to reschedule is unfortunately a running theme in my life + of all the 4/5 people I call my friends basically only one kept in touch and actually proposes to spend time with me (🙃) + but that really doesn't matter bc of the nature of my job, i have odd hours and definitively no days off on the weekend, at least in summer.
I love being in the water but I'm extremely shortsighted and I don't feel comfortable wearing lenses in the water bc I'm terrified I could accidentally open my eyes under water and lose them (and that shit costs me over 200 bucks every 6 months, they aren't cheap!), being without lenses means I can see colors and blurry shapes when I'm not wearing my glasses. It makes getting out of the water and reaching my belongings really awkward and anxiety inducing.
Last week I proposed my coworker bc I saw we had a matching day off and she was actually her counter off with the water park after me proposing the beach or the pool and it got me so excited!! I completely forgot about that, last time I went there I was still a minor!! I literally spent every day of this week thinking about going to my fave attractions and having fun in the water now that I bought a swimming suit that could properly contain my boobs and have someone being my support eyes. This bail really crushed me in such a horrible way, I was supposed to have so much fun today 😭😭😭😭
#i haven't been in that water park in over 17 years#also went on vacation to the beach with my brother and grandparents till i was 17#it wasn't unusual for me to stay in the water longer than my brother and omg reaching my umbrella back was so uncomfortable#i had to squint my eyes really hard waiting to spot my big ass blue beach bag hanging from the umbrella#i would probably look so weird to the people i walked by while walking upwards the rows of umbrellas#see i could theoretically go alone if none of my irl friends wants to hang out with me but i was also nerfed with such defective eyes 😭😭😭#she offered to reschedule but i find it so unlikely we can when we need to take into consideration having the same day off#and being a proper one not a fake one after a night shift and both of us not getting our periods and i think the water park closes some time#in september???#statistically speaking i'm cursed with being unlucky so i just don't hold any hope whatsoever bc i got burned too many timez#p
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once upon a time i liked a ship for what it was and then i saw how the fandom treated it and now i have visceral hatred towards it (harsh but not far off)
#leah.txt#normal i swear#it’s like i’m just so tired of seeing it and i think it’s cause a lot of the time people mischaracterise the characters involved so often#when talking about it and i hate it. i’m being vague cause don’t want it showing up anywhere. but like in canon the concept is so good and#so juicy even though i am not really a fan of like enemies/lovers kinda tropes. slash cause it’s more lovers to enemies but were always#technically enemies but real bonds formed on accident and that always runs deep even after the fact etc etc it’s such a good ship in concep#and then you see the fandom and go ah you’ve made it insufferable to me now. it gets reduced to just like the most i mean fandomy shit#it happens so often with me now that it’s like i need to not look at tags ever actually akdjsjsksns#so so vague but the concept of falling in love and fraternising when you shouldn’t and so many elements of you are going to betray this#person when the time comes but you can’t help falling for them and the other side being i shouldn’t be falling for this guy he’s my#superior officer but it’s like no he’s actually not and he’s a mole and he’s going to kill you all off. and then running for him when he#gets injured. that’s so. even after he tells you that you what his plans were. still caring. but like. out of anger and hurt you bruised hi#ego and insulted him and that starts big revenge run of like someone who can’t take criticism or being made to feel lesser… but you have to#hunt him down even if you still hold feelings for him he is everything you stood against and were fighting and now you’re fighting him when#you loved him. irl you know i hate this shit and betrayal and lying and all that you know this i’m just talking in fiction it’s got so many#layers. having to kill the man you once loved because he became everything he was against and he developed delusions and lost his mind. IT#HURTS. then you look at the fandom and it’s like teehee they’re just soooo gay gay homosexual and it’s like. this ship has layers. it’s lik#an onion. but okay. and it’s always just like i mean the gross people come out with the really gross fics with it but like omg it’s such a#good ship in concept with lovers becoming enemies when they shouldn’t have been lovers in the first place because it was a sort of forbidde#setting. the captain and his subordinate. captain who is actually a mole and going to betray these people who he has unintentionally formed#some bonds with. actually learning they are on opposing ends. the man they saw as fair and just and cool is a liar a manipulator a scheming#bastard who is only doing things out of self interest BUT HE GOT FEELINGS. it’s so arghghhhggggg and that’s why the criticism hits deeper#cause it’s someone he cared about and it’s so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#like there’s a reason it’s the most popular ship because i mean they are literally each others narrative foil lmaooo but like the fandom#just somehow makes it weird a lot and i’m 🧍🏼 why guys why#and what i mean by gross people and gross fics is what a lot of people do to villains doing to others even when they aren’t like that. you#guys are just nasty and gross and need to not share things like that <3#i feel like it's a lot of just fetishising two men being together rather than focusing on their dynamics and characters
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.
#nini’s nonsense#sometimes i think about the fact that people around me. even the ones closest to me. know so little of me. because i have a cousin who#recently told me she has a gf and she’s bi and was like. yeah i didn’t think you’d judge but you also never know yk. and i mean. i do know.#better than anyone in our fam probs. but also. it just put into perspective how little they’ll all ever know me because ofc my sexuality is#not who i am at all but it’s such a big part of me as well and the fact that no one irl knows and no one will probs ever know. sigh#it’s an exhausting thought tbh#but i come from such a religious family i don’t ever see it going well. and on the other hand i have made the agreement with myself that i#won’t ever date girls anyway. so yeah. idk. sigh sigh cry cry etc etc#and also. i had a wedding this week and weddings always make me realize i’ll probs never have one of my own. for so many reasons. and on one#hand i am happy but on the other hand the want is there and i know it’ll probs never be fulfilled because i would be a terrible partner#and yeah. idk the passing of time is just fucking me up a bit i guess. it’ll hopefully pass soon.#i really need to properly write about all this. maybe then i’ll finally be able to breathe again.#ANYWAYS. so happy my bby told me so happy for her they’re THE CUTEST omg
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*in a squealed whisper* comic con africa is in 10 days ksdnfkjbr
#monique chats#literally cannot wait#don't know what to wear#gonna see jamie irl#and spend money on shit I don't need#omg I might even eat a donut#damn the donuts are so good#haven't left the house aside for work and church in so long
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babes why don't you think you'll ever be in a relationship? ur breaking my heart here reading ur tags
skip to the tags for the short answer lmaooooooo
breaking your heart? secretly in love with me??? 😧😶🌫️ but aaahhhhhhh 😮💨💕
i'm aromantic 😭😭😭 i'm not sure that i've ever felt romantic attraction, nor even know what it is, so it's a bit difficult to say otherwise and i just realized this year. 😔 i mean when i think about it most of the "crushes" i've had are mainly centered around sexual attraction/infatuation/lust or whatever you want to call it lmaooo....i care for the person, it just never dawns on me that i want anything with them in a romantic sense, i'm wayyy too nonchalant for that honestly and everyone deserves the best, which is most definitely not me lmaoo 😭 like i've never even thought about it because for me it's like.....i would only be in a relationship if i know for sure i could be committed to building a future with them for life, or honestly i would probably be down for a relationship if they wanted. like why not i guess which....is also a problem because then it gets considered as settling lmaooo which for me it most definitely is not..
the only thing that i might be inclined to say is slightly close to romantic attraction that i experience is limerence. but it's not like....from a place of love. 😭😭😭 now that i think of it it's probably like, having intrusive thoughts of a person. it's just all the time and as much as i try to stop i can't and it sucks because i do actually care about the person for who they are but obviously that makes it seem otherwise 😭😭😭
it's weird to explain. i do want a relationship and i do want to build a future with someone special where i could support their goals and they are able to be emotionally open with me but i don't have to be emotionally open with them and we can cuddle and watch shitty ass med shows with the worst fucking cpr but, i'm super picky and have extremely high standards lmaooo like is it really realistic.....girl........be real 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i get on my last goddamned NERVE
and then it's like, i already know that i'll be paranoid probably and most likely won't be satisfied because i'm not sure that anyone's love will be enough for me. (quote in my ul tag)
and at the end of the day (finally right? lmaoooo) it's like morally i don't want to play with or hurt anyone's feelings.
like all of this is mine alone to deal with and it's things that i should handle and work through before even considering a relationship but realistically i'm not sure that i can fast enough sooooooooo 😔
i'm sorry my tags probably come off as some edgy loser (which i am mind you ☝️😈) but don't feel bad don't let my tags break your heart omggg 😭😭🥺💖 i'm just some guy that's a son's son daughter. 😭😭 i keep myself in a loop of extreme self-criticism for minimal growth lmaoooo i'm okay (trust me 🫡).
maybe i shouldn't've said never but like....extremely unlikely. like...99% chance that i won't. love really isn't something that happens to people like me which is....ok! it's still a joy to see it happen for other people 😌💕🥰🤍💗💕
anyways fuck it we ball 🥱💯💪😈⏭️⏫🥶
#the simple answer: i'm a loner lmao 😔#if you're secretly in love with me....you've gotta go through a minimum of my 4 ghosting stages first 😔 policy y'know 😮💨#see how i slid that little promotion of my ul tag in 😏 smooth eh? 😌#minimum wait time for a response after sending me an ask is 5 hours lmaoooooo i'm sorry i really be laying it all out 😭😭😭😭#like girl 🙄😮💨 keep it simple and keep it movingggg 😭😭 but i can't 😔#also please this was kinda sweet 💕🤍 you really don't need to concern i'm just overdramatic i promise 😭😭😭😭😭#hope you're well tho thank you for checking on me 🥺 whoever you are 😭😭😭😭💕💕#sorry i kind of hate when people check up on me hopefully this was thorough enough of an answer for you 😔#this really is excessive omg. how to like.....socialize tutorial when....😔😭😭😭#and how the FUCK do i do a read more LMAOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#followers i'm sorry y'all 😔 one day i won't overshare so much on the internet to make up for my lack of speaking irl 😔#💌
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I’m trying so hard to not get overfocused on the stuff I’m doing next week (two Oslo trips, one with cousins and then the concert with dad), and then the con the next week and I’m very excited about all of it, but I also know I’m gonna be kinda exhausted from it but it’s all so worth it and I do have time to recover in between, I just can’t like, enjoy my days now and use them to charge because I’m so focused on stuff coming up and it’s so annoying
I fucking hate having adhd and not being able to take meds/find ones that work, it fucks up what little I do have of a sense of normality between all my chronic physical stuff and the BPD 🫠
#at least the Oslo trips are like planned out for me and I just have to show up!!#that helps a lot#and i love spending time with my cousins esp the one who’s visiting for the other side of the country!#and omg seeing Queen with my dad will be so good!!!!!#and the con ahhh!!! so excited for that holy damn #just need my brain to chill#rambles#rant#adhd tag#adhd struggles#adhd#chronic illness#BPD#irl tag#personal
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