#old journals
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Dr Alix Hawthorne's office definitely looks like this, books and journals everywhere
#books#writer#indie authors of tumblr#author#gothic fiction#indie authors#dark academic aesthetic#queer fiction#light academia#light academia aesthetic#light academia mood board#journals#old journals#journalling#diary#old diary#old books#old book smell#victorian era#victorian aesthetic
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some pages from Antonio Machado's (1875-1939) journal/commonplace book
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23/09/23
Decided to dig out my old journals and it has not improved my mental health. And by that I mean I’ve been repeating the same patterns and saying the same things for so many years and yet nothing has changed (in fact things have gotten worse). Although I suppose it’s been interesting to see how my journaling style has changed.
(Three art journals: January - December 2020, January - November 2021, and January - May 2022.)
(Seven regular journals: September 2019 - February 2021, March 2021 - May 2022, June - October 2022, November 2022 - January 2023, January - March 2023, March - May 2023, and June - July 2023.)
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old journals (2018)
the day i destroyed a book and my father was pissed. i may sound like my sixty three year old grandma but "those were the days"
#poets on tumblr#dark acamedia#dark aesthetic#love quotes#poem#poems on tumblr#poetry#prose#aesthetic#depressing quotes#blog post#old journals#journaling#books#vintage
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I decided to torture myself and read my old journals. This is what I found and here is the wrapped:
Iconic/cringefail quotes from my old journals:
Dec 2015
"There are some things man can't change and on that list the top spot is reserved for the never ending chatter of kids."
April 2016
"i want to be a wanderer who travels in search of Justin Bieber songs and Hollywood movies"
Sept 2016
"Now I will tell you the biggest tragedy of my life. I've decided to not get into the 'gf and bf' stuff before I join NASA so I'm in a kind of dilemma."
Jan 2017
"My love life is as bad as ever but I'm looking forward to this year because according to the horoscope, my love life is gonna be amazing!"
"Now, I think that the whole school is going to know that I and xxxxx are gonna have a secret rendezvous!"
"She said that I would've aroused doubt in her mind by saying that cause nobody says I hate you to someone in private!"
March 2017
"...And the fact that life has nothing romantic to offer me, makes me more into these books! Reading people's stories when my own love story is at mortal peril!"
"What she gets after giving her best shot is almost equal to what I get after doing almost nothing at all!"
Jan 2018
"Speaking of fictional boyfriends, I'm totally over xxxx now."
Feb 2018
"I am not the chosen one nor I'm half-angel but I do have a shitty life"
"If i were in America, people would make fun of me still, but not in this way"
"I am too creative to handle my thoughts for sure."
"I know this world is big and full of possibilities but just for once, i want this world to be small for me, i want just one possibility."
"I said my love life was a square but then she said it was a triangle. I didn't agree, so we ended up calling it an 'angle', or rather, a traingle with no base."
March 2018
"I am scared for the future, for everything that is gonna come after this one year. All i have right now is a mantra 'padh le beta, 12 hai' "
"We need to find a rebound crush for me."
May 2018
"I've been binge watching thirteen reasons why. I am on the 6th ep of season 2. I kinda like that show. It was soo depressing, it helped me forget my depression"
August 2020
"I have never been this lonely, but i have never been this happy either. I needed this more than i can ever admit"
"I know I'm capable of being loved, of loving again, so I will root for that hope."
"Being a popular author is a dream only a few people get to live. Rest others are forced to live a life of oblivion, their books and creations tucked into darkness."
Oct 2020
"It seems as if I have forced myself to stay within these walls"
Jan 2021
"Why do I hold my thoughts like Atlas holding up the weight of the entire world? I do not feel like I'm crumbling from the weight but there's this haze of heavy thoughts upon me that I cannot seem to lift."
"I have been building this world of thoughts and words. These thoughts in the form of books, movies, songs, they belong to someone else. All they do for me is dampen the intensity of the ones that actually belong to me."
"It's waiting, the spirit in me, she will burst me open with exhilaration when she thinks the time is right. She is fickle, she needs beauty, she needs a constant change of scenery."
"This will be your fall, you are Icarus, dying to touch the sky so much, you are dying to die. No no, you do not want to die. You are just agitated, angry, your defiance is performative. You're just bored out of your wits."
"I should not want it, I am aware, but due to reasons completely irrational, i will be forgoing my last two braincells in favour of the straited muscles (the heart)."
"I JUST FOUND OUT LADY ADA LOVELACE WAS THE DAUGHTER OF THE ICONIC LORD BYRON. Hence for reasons completely irrational, i will be passing away."
"Hope is a dangerous game to play with yourself."
"My love for him is an ocean with unfathomable depths. He is a swimming pool. If he jumps, he will drown in my intensity. If i jump, I will hit my head. We both will die. Death is romantic, say the poets of old. Well, not this one, this death will be humiliating."
"We are academics, we explore the world through books, always living on the sidelines, we do not participate. We live in the past. We love art, yet we fail to make any. We love the world, we want to change it but we never try. We will never be heard except one day, sorting through dusty books, another lover will find us in pages, but we will never be able to create any real change. We deal with the mind, sometimes the heart, with the art we create. We cannot touch the tangible, our realm is the intangible and that is where we come alive. The problem however, is that we will never be remembered. John Keats was right when he said his name was written in water. Isn't everyone else's too? Ours specifically, is written on the waves. We do not create an effect, we are only felt. But I believe there are some who change the world like a Tsunami does. Shakespeare, remember? What did he do for the world? Nothing. He just wrote plays."
"I believe in love as the driving force that makes this ugly and unbearable world tolerable and meaningful."
"You cannot nullify love just like you cannot nullify the existence of God."
Feb 2021
"Valentine's day is a capitalist holiday. Even if it wasn't, there is no reason for celebrating it."
"I am going for the crazy poet/scholar look these days so it hurts when i have to cut or comb my hair."
"We carry our home in our hearts. I do too, because if I didn't, I'd be homeless."
April 2021
The Generation Z are a faithless and purposeless generation. We believe in equality, we have opinions- a lot of them but we don't have ideologies to follow or governments to overthrow. We have a fire in us that burns bright, but with no purpose, it seems to me that we're getting wasted."
"I got a cousin baby brother! I'll admit, I did not like him much in the beginning, he looked like a shriveled potato but after they washed him up, I saw in the pictures that he looks like me!"
"Realism, pessimism, optimism- they're all words. We're all three and neither."
"Majority of the content in my journal includes me pining over a guy I dated for a month."
May 2021
"It's like looking at your scars years later, you see a fair patch of skin, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't make you feel the past pain, but it fills you with a sense of awe and wonder at your body, at its strength and its resilience."
"I have learned the unbearable art of silencing the voice in my head. It is boring without it."
July 2021
"I didn't get any gifts and I was barred from buying more books" (on 20th b'day)
Jan 2022
" I have 99 problems and 110 of them would be solved if I lived alone in a small cottage on top of a hill."
"When it comes to the Romantics, I think I'm like John Keats. The sad but joyful/optimistic bastard that coughed blood and died. In all seriousness, I don't think I'm any more special or unique than this particular sad twink. It's a bummer really, because I actually aspire to be like Lord Byron. The bisexual disaster, obnoxiously charming and smart asshole that you want to punch in the face but then are too enamored by. Byron, the accidental hero, the adventurer and the rebel. That's who I want to be….. but Byron is Byron, I am not him. I am not mentally ill enough to pull off that sort of charisma."
"I can exist and others too and we all can be the main characters. Existence isn't a competition. Not everything is."
"I have always been single in my entire life of 21 years except for a month. I have been happy in my entire life of 21 years except for a month."
"I made up things, I wanted a story. I look for a story everywhere- that's what we do."
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But really why tho
#my journal#old journals#journalling#journal#art#drawing#writing#color#colour#felt tips#markers#ink drawing#me#adhd women#adhd#bad art#messy art
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80 years old... he shouldve been at the club
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I found my old journals back in college.
I found my old journals back in college.
Reading it felt like I truly was a completely different person.
The words were from someone who has goodness and hope in his heart. Someone who romanticizes college life and urban landscapes. Someone comfortable in his own skin. Someone who felt he fit in the world. Someone who loves life, someone who isn't afraid to live day by day, who relishes in his independence, hours away from his home in the provinces near the foot of a mountain. Someone who travels by light train station to a grand mall in one of the other nearby cities for the fun of it, or because he is craving milkshakes and cheesecakes, or because he just wants to observe people.
He isn't scared of anything. He certainly isn't worried about panic attacks and depression and chronic health conditions. He is living his best dream life in the city, in a dorm, right beside the university he attends. He is learning more about the world and most of its people, and how those people behave. He is learning how to argue, how to write, filled with thoughts that pile inside his head like crude bricks hastily stacked on top of each other, or like air going inside a balloon, and he, therefore, delights in staying up late at night in that small college dormitory to organize the many curious wonders he has picked up the day for him to deflate so he can make sense of the world and he can have more room for new thoughts tomorrow.
Words: Ejay Diwas
#old journals#zest#life#thoughts#university#college#dorm#urban#cityscape#province#loneliness#curiosity#depression#anxiety#panic attacks#college life#bright life#good golden days
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For old times sake is actually such a heartbreaking and beautiful sentiment. Like, let’s do it for the love that used to be here. It is reason enough.
#random thoughts#long time no update#writing#poets on tumblr#depressing quotes#old friendships#books & libraries#aesthetic#spilled words#fragments of journal#excerpt from a book i'll never write#texts from my ex#existential musings#writerscommunity#literature#words#poetry#heartbreak#sad girl shit#deep quotes#writblr#bookblr#movie quotes#dark romanticism#toxic love#i miss you#love poem#dark academia#light academia#short poems
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a fragment of a dream I had in 2013
#I'm finding that my dream journal is a very good source of inspiration for surreal illustration ideas#it's an old dream but my written entry is pretty detailed and I remember the vibe#dreams#surreal#illustration#digital art
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Video
youtube
Making Art Books From Old Journals
#youtube#making art books#old journals#art#abstract art#painting#collage#hand stitching#stitching#ariane zurcher
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I'm returning to stories from the last two years and rebuilding them with new experience.
The thing I feel the most is how glad I am that I started the weird the random the seemingly trivial because now they're the foundation for better stories.
Art is amazing. Building stories like houses, taking my time and getting the frames up.
The point is: Keep writing. Write the snippets, the random dialogue, the action scenes. Then return to it after you've forgotten it ever existed.
Take that initial emotional response and then build on it. Build outward from it and around it until it becomes a structure that will outlast you.
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Today I progressed in The Quest by dusting off old journals and labeling them with their contents. The oldest one dates to 1994 and includes the very first worldbuilding notes on a story that is still a work in progress. Almost 30 years and I have only just come up with a plot that seems semi-viable.
#The Quest#progressing the quest#worldbuilding#old journals#I still call it my story-that-will-never-be-written
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* blows a kiss to my computer * for JSTOR
#Jstor#Gradblr#Big shout out also to pubmed#I'm not a medical student but I had to find some old medical journals for a Thing and they were freeeeeee
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Some journal pages from 2020 when the world was very scary and I was reeling from a very bad breakup
Luckily I do not allow men to break my little heart anymore (I don't even date men anymore lol)
#my journal#old journals#my writing#breakup#heartbreak#mental health#diary#anxiety#adhd women#adhd#poetry#my poetry#bad poetry#queer#writing#creative writing#messy
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