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letterstomonkey · 11 months

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Biting Hands

When I go home tonight, there will be two towels stuffed underneath my bedroom door. I’ll go inside and shut it, and I will crouch down on the balls of my feet and I will not take off my shoes or put down my purse or check my phone until I am sure that the two towels under my door leave no space, not even for air to circulate. I’ll stand myself up again, my cheeks tainted light red, not pink, and every breath I take will elicit pain but it will dissipate.

I’ll try to fall asleep, but like most nights, I will start itching my legs, struggle to catch my breath, and I will find someone that doesn’t exist hiding behind my curtains. I will not fall asleep.

I am observant, so my first tactic will be to stand up, walk in a circle a few times, and go back to bed, because that’s what my dog does, and he’s a much more experienced sleeper than I am, even though I have a whole decade on him.

I would sooner compare myself though, to one of those really small, scraggly looking dogs at the pound. One that’s got the tear stains in its eyes, and it always seems to be shaking and trembling, and when you approach it, oh my god you will move on to the next dog before you even got a chance to read the name on its little placard. All it takes is an innocent hand reaching too close for comfort, and I will show my teeth and snap and howl until you leave, and I can retreat, rinse, and repeat.

Is it bad that I wish to be a pitiful little dog at the pound? They may scare people away sometimes with their relentless need to defend themselves, but at least you can count on the ones walking by that will take the time to drown out its yapping long enough to read the tragic backstory of abuse written on its cage.

Somebody will look into those tear stained eyes and not only feel sorry enough to take it home with them, but they will dedicate the time it takes to teach it how to trust. They will teach it that a human can use their hand reaching down to pet its head and not beat it senselessly.

Is there a sign up sheet for that or do I just have to print my own placard? Because if that’s what it takes I will, if it’s that easy, I will type up every excruciating detail, cut down trees with my bare hands myself because there could not be enough paper in the world to print out the essay I would have to write for the backstory behind the backbreaking labor required for me to not bite every single hand that tries to feed me.

I have bitten my cheeks to a bloody pulp trying to hold my tongue and swallow my fears for almost twenty years now but it isn’t enough. You can smell my distrust as soon as you’re close enough to tell me what color my eyes are, you can watch me startle at every sudden movement as if I’ve been fighting for my life by protecting my territory since I was old enough to stand on my own two feet.

Watch me shove two towels underneath my bedroom door every single time I open it and close it for weeks now all because I saw a cockroach in the living room, and I saw them everywhere in that house on Rotunda Road.

They climbed all the way up the carpeted stairs, sometimes flying through the air, but they found a way to get to me and nobody in that house could protect me. Not from a cockroach, not from a hand that liked to pick and choose when it would reach down and feed me and when it would reach down and make me sorry I forgot to lock my bedroom door.

When I go home tonight, there will be two towels underneath my bedroom door. I will go inside and shut it, and I will howl in agony at the moon looking down on me, desperately singing my song to anybody who will listen.

Howling with my tear stained eyes and my tail between my legs, begging to be heard, or maybe even just read, begging for a book of my backstory so I can stop scaring everybody away with words I never meant to say, hopelessly waiting for one person to look at me and not walk right past my cage but crouch down on the balls of their feet and realize that there is purpose to this pain I keep projecting.

There is a little girl who grew up in a house that scared her. And she has towels shoved beneath her bedroom door yet she calls herself a grown woman. If you don’t let the towels scare you away, you might find that there is a girl worth getting to know and she is inside that bedroom, but she is also, still inside that house on Rotunda Road, and she is doing her best to find her way out of there but it is not easy, because every time she thinks she found the exit she opens the door and she is trembling in the corner of her bedroom again like a dog at the pound, waiting for the next time she has to fight for her right to find peace.

When I go home tonight, there will be two towels under my door, and I will keep them there as long as I need to for the sake of preserving the sense of security nobody could give me. And if it is the last thing I do, I will fight tooth and nail and tail between my legs to stop biting the hands that could never hurt me like yours did.

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peculiaridealist · 3 years

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To My Dearest Kara

Summary:

When she arrived, she was the only person who was currently there, or so she thinks. She was walking towards her cubicle when she saw a piece of paper that was neatly folded. Kara felt that it was important so she picked it up and caught a glimpse of her name inside the paper. Much to her curiosity and reporter instincts kicking in, she opened the letter and that's when where she read and re-read the letter, feeling her heart beating fast and warmth was spreading to her chest.

Kara found an unfinished letter that was dedicated to her. The question that was bugging her was, from whom?

Chapter 1: The Letter

To my dearest Kara,

I have so much to say actually, but I guess I'll just keep this short and go straight to the point. I just want to say thank you for being such a good friend and for everything you've done for me. You are the most extraordinary person that I've ever met and meeting you is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I just want to let you know that I'm hopelessly in love with you. I don't expect my feelings to be reciprocated so don't pressure yourself. I just merely want to get this out of my chest before it overwhelms me. You're the only one wh

Kara flipped the letter to the front and back. "Wha- This... This isn't finished!" She continued flipping it in every angle, hoping that there's a continuation somewhere only to find nothing of the sort. "Oh, come on. Really?"

That morning, Kara decided to be early at CatCo. "Wouldn't hurt to be an early bird once in a while." She muttered to herself. As soon as she was done fixing herself, she headed straight to the company.

Fishing her phone out of her pocket, she speed dialed the first person in her mind and was answered after a couple of rings.

"This better be good, Kara. I'm in the middle of something here." The person on the other line grumbled.

"Hey, Alex... You don't happen to have a forensic team, right?" Kara asked.

There was a moment of silence before Alex spoke. "Why? Did something happen? Are you hurt?"

"What? No! No, I'm perfectly fine." Kara reassured her sister.

"You're aware what the forensic team is for... right?" Alex doesn't sound convinced at Kara's reassurance.

"Maybe?" Kara slowly said.

Alex sighed. "Really, Kara? Anyway, what is it? Why did you call?"

"I got a letter." Kara answered.

"Huh... Good for you."

"A love letter, actually."

"O...kay?"

"The problem is, it isn't finished... yet. I just sort of found it on the floor just this morning here at CatCo."

"You're at work early?" Disbelief was evident in Alex's voice. "Who are you and what have you done to my sister?"

Kara frowned. "Ha ha. Very funny, Alex."

"So, let me get this straight." Kara heard Alex snort and muttered 'straight'. "You got an unfinished love letter..." She trailed off.

Kara nodded and kicked herself internally as she realized that her sister can't see her. "Yeah."

"And you want me to help you find out who wrote that?" Alex continued.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Can't you just ask your colleagues?" Alex asked. "Especially the ones whom you're close to, like Winn or James or Snapper-"

Kara grimaced. "Alex!"

"... or Lena."

"Wait- what? Lena?" Kara was laughing nervously and she could feel the heat rising up her face. "Pfftt. Noooo. No way."

"I believe I mentioned four names."

"I mean, James and Winn could be possible. Snapper? Oh, hell to the no, that's for sure. But, Lena? Isn't that quite impossible?"

Don't ask me." Alex said, clearly amused. "You're the one who's spending time with her and you're the closest to her."

"Oh, no- Uhm... She... she doesn't see me like that, Alex." Kara tried to hide her disappointment. "Not that I see her like that, as well. I mean, I do like her but not like like her. We're just-"

"Friends. Sure." Alex interjected, cutting her sister's rambling. "Anyway, just ask them. Asking won't hurt, you know."

Kara rolled her eyes and huffed in exasperation. "Yeah, right. You think they'll admit it just like that? Like, hey Kara. Yes, I wrote taht letter. I'm in love with you."

"Fair point." Alex uttered. "Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"Umm... No?" Kara lied, silently chastising herself for being so bad at it. She is such a bad liar.

"Are you telling me or asking me?" Alex asked. "'Cause I swear, I felt you rolling your eyes at me."

"You- What- You're creepy."

"I try."

Groaning, Kara leaned her head on her desk. "Alex, what am I gonna do?"

"How important is that letter?" Alex asked again.

"Very important." Kara answered without hesitation. "I don't know. It just made me feel... special? Not to mention loved... in a romantic way, I mean."

"I see." Alex was silent for a moment again that Kara had to look at her phone just to be sure that she's still on the line. "One more question.

"Fire away."

"Is the letter handwritten?"

This made Kara look at the letter again. "Uhh... Yes?"

"Then you probably know what to do." Alex said with a hint of satisfaction in her voice.

After a week long of hunting for the letter's author, Kara still found nothing. She's been checking everywhere and everyone. Even Winn. Well, everyone except James... and Lena.

Speaking of, she grabbed her phone and texted Lena.

Kara: Hey, Lee? Wanna grab lunch?

Drumming her fingers on her desk, she waited patiently for Lena's reply even though she wasn't sure if Lena was going to reply or not. It was already a week since she started hunting and it has also been a week that she hasn't seen Lena.

Kara was staring at her phone and after a few more minutes without any reply from Lena, she fired another quick text.

Kara: I miss you already, Lee. Call me or text me or anything when you're free. x

A few more agonizing minutes, her phone pinged and saw the name that she has been pining for from the past half an hour.

Lena: Sorry, love. Can't do lunch. I'm quite busy at the moment. Rain check?

Kara couldn't help the disappointment that she was feeling but she also can't help feeling giddy from Lena's endearment. It's normal to feel like this towards her best friend... right?

'Right. Who am I kidding?' She thought to herself.

Her phone pinged again and Kara swore her heart jumped as she read the message just like how her heart jumped when she was reading the letter.

Lena: I miss you, too. x

"Call me crazy, but I'm really starting to wish that Lena was the one that wrote this goddamn letter." She uttered to nobody and sighed. 'I'm falling for her, aren't I?'

A couple more days of snooping around (and having Snapper yap at her regarding to an article about God knows what), Kara found herself standing outside James' office.

“It's now or never." She murmured as she closed her eyes and raised her hand to knock on the door only to find her knuckle in contact with a forehead... Lena's forehead.

Kara's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, shoot! Lena, I'm so, so, sorry!"

"It's fine, Kara." Lena said while rubbing her forehead, thinking that apparently, opening the door abruptly isn't a good idea.

As much as Kara wanted to think about how much she missed her best friend's voice and presence, there is still something that currently matters the most. "Did it hurt? Of course, it hurt. Stupid me. I'm really sorry." Kara started rambling. "Oh my goodness. I should've been more careful."

Lena shook her head. "Kara."

"Should I grab some ice? We have ice here. Or maybe give you a massage? At the forehead, of course. Is there a forehead massage?"

"Kara."

"Maybe there's a forehead massage. Yeah. That's right. There has to be. There are lots of massages! Should I kiss it? Kisses makes anything feel better, right? Maybe I-" She stopped in the middle of her rambling as soon as she realized what she had just said.

Lena was almost as shocked as her. "What?"

"W-wha- what?"

Both women stood still, staring at each other, both shocked to even formulate words and not noticing James leaning on his desk, watching them both with amusement.

"Kara, I-"

"Lena, I-"

They both said at the same time and was followed by an awkward silence. Not wanting for the awkwardness to linger, Lena cleared her throat. "You can go first."

Shaking her head, Kara protested. "No, you can go first."

"Kara, please."

"But, Lena..." Kara whined.

James cleared his throat, causing both women to look at him. It was obvious that they had forgotten that he was still in the room. It was his office, after all, but he paid no mind to it. "As entertaining as this is, I believe you wanted something from me, Kara?"

Much to her disdain, not that she doesn't like James, Kara nodded. "Right... I did."

"I should go. I still have a lot to do at L-Corp. James. Kara." Lena uttered and was about to leave when Kara held her wrist. Kara made sure that it wasn't tight, but made sure that it was firm.

"Dinner. Tonight."

"Kara, you know I can't."

"You're always turning me down lately." Kara looked like a kicked puppy, looking at Lena with her big blue eyes and with a pout that no one can resist. Not even Alex. "I really do miss you, Lee..."

Lena's brows furrowed and Kara saw that she was contemplating whether to decline or upset. Hopefully, the latter.

"Look, it's not that I turn you down on purpose. I'm sorry for that." Lena started. "Its just that I really can't go out as of now."

Kara sensed that there was a but so she waited for Lena to continue and she did. "But, it would be nice if you bring Chinese later in my office, if that's okay with you. Maybe I could use a quick break."

Kara slowly grinned. "More than okay and totally fine with me. See you at 7?"

"7 it is, then." Lena kissed Kara's cheek. "See you later." With that said, Lena left her and James and went on her way.

Kara nodded even after Lena left and was absentmindedly stroking her cheek where Lena's lips landed just a few seconds, or maybe it was already minutes, ago.

"Hey. Earth to Kara."

Like snapping out of trance, Kara's attention was focused on James. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

James chuckled. "I asked if you were okay. You seem to be okay, apart from you looking like a tomato."

She was about to deny it, but she knew better not to. "That obvious?"

James smiled and nodded. "And as clear as a crystal. By the way, you came here. Why?"

"Right. Umm... You're the one who's writing on your planner, right?" Kara asked right away.

Yeah, I do." He answered.

"Can I-" Kara hesitated for awhile before steeling her resolve. "Can I see it?"

"Sure." James grabbed something just like a book, which Kara presumed that it was his planner, and offered it to Kara.

Mumbling a small thanks, she turned her attention on the planner and opened it. She froze as she looked- no, stared- at the neat penmanship that was scribbled on the planner which was identical to the penmanship of the letter's author. "Th-this..." Kara gulped.

"That's what?" James asked. concern lacing on his voice.

There has to be a mistake. "No..." She whispered under her breath. "This can't be."

James placed a hand on her shoulder. "Are you really okay, Kara?"

Her eyes shifted its focus, from the planner to James. "You wrote the letter?"

"You mean the unfinished letter."

"So, you did..." Kara was trying really hard to show a cheerful persona. "You did write the letter."

"That, I did." James confirmed.

"Oh... That's..." Kara swallowed the lump on her throat. "That's great!"

"You don't sound like you're genuinely happy."

"No! I am. I really am."

"Were you expecting someone else?"

"Well... I really don't know who or what to expect." Kara admitted. "It's not like I knew or had any idea who wrote it."

"But there is someone on your mind, isn't there?" James pried. "Or you're secretly hoping for a certain someone, aren't you?"

"What? Nooo..." Kara lied- denied, waving her hand dismissively. "Pshh. Who would that someone be anyway?"

"You're a bad liar, Kara." James called her out.

Kara knew that. She's not really the type of person who can lie to others face to face especially in front of her friends. "Okay, fine. I was hoping someone else. No offense."

"None taken. Mind if I ask who?"

Sighing, Kara looked down and played with the hem of her sweatshirt. "You might probably have an idea who."

James nodded. "I do, but I just want to be sure."

"It's..." Kara gulped. "I was hoping that it was Lena."

James was silent for a moment before he sighed. Kara took it as a disappointment from him. He wrote the letter and poured out his emotions for her but here she is. Sort of complaining that she was hoping for someone else and not him. She felt so ungrateful. "Look, James. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. I am touched, really. It's just that I-"

"You know what... Let's just cut the shit here, Kara." James cut her off.

Kara was now staring at James with wide eyes, unable to formulate words. She was shocked at hearing James cuss.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not mad at you or anything." James reassured her. "Let me just say to hell with Lena killing me for this, but I don't want the two of you pining for each other with neither of you two making the first step."

Now, Kara was really confused. "What are you trying to say?"

"That planner..." James pointed at the planner that Kara was currently holding. "... isn't really mine."

"What do you mean not yours?"

"Kara, would you actually believe that that's my penmanship?" James asked incredulously.

"Yes?"

James shook his head. "It's too feminine to be mine."

"Feminine?" She tilted her head making James think of her like she was a golden retriever puppy. "I think it's just neat."

"Yes, it is neat but it also has a feminine touch." He pointed out.

"But, there are lots of guys who have these kind of penmanship. Some guys even have nicer penmanship than women." Kara justified. "That's why I'm calling it neat and not feminine."

James somewhat groaned in frustration towards the blonde. "My point is, that planner isn't mine and I didn't write the letter."

Kara realized what James is trying to tell her. "So, what you're saying is, a woman wrote the letter?"

"Been trying to tell you that for a few minutes now."

"Why?" Kara asked.

"Why what?" James asked back.

"Why lie in the first place?" Kara asked again. This time, she was frowning.

"Because Lena asked me to." He answered.

"Lena? As in, Lena Luthor?"

"Are there other Lena that you know?"

"Lena del Rey?"

"Kara, I'm pretty sure that it's Lana. Not Lena."

Kara huffed. "Now isn't the time to be sarcastic with me, Olsen."

James shrugged. "You started it."

"We're going way off topic now." Kara grumbled. "Anyway, what does Lena have to do with this?"

"The day you found the letter," James started to explain. "Lena found out that you had it and rushed in here, panicking-"

"Wait! Lena was here that day?" Kara interjected.

"Yes, she was, now let me finish." Kara pursed her lips and nodded, letting James continue. "She told me that the letter you currently have wasn't ready, yet."

"Clearly." Kara mumbled.

"What did I say about letting me finish?"

"Right." Kara smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Won't happen again. Continue."

He looked at Kara skeptically before continuing. "She doesn't want you to know. Said she wasn't ready, yet, and she was afraid that if you found out that she was the one who wrote the letter, it will affect your relationship with her. Probably she was taking it in a bad way. Which is quite ridiculous if you ask me."

Kara was about to ask why but decided to just bite her tongue and let James continue. "Anyway, she came here and asked for my help. She knew that you will be snooping around and won't stop until you found who wrote the letter. She left her planner here and told me to give this to you saying that it's mine whenever you decided to show up here and ask me about it. She said that eventually you'll come here and she was right."

Kara was deep in thoughts. She was asking herself why would Lena think like that? It's not like she would just leave her because of a heartwarming letter. Okay, heartwarming to her and she's aware that Lena was oblivious to what she was feeling towards the said letter... or ever towards Lena, herself.

"Lena's in love with me..." Kara uttered quietly but enough for James to hear.

"I thought that was already obvious?" James walked back to his chair and sat down. "What with her opening up more to you than she did to others, both of you exchanging sweet words and being extra touchy and all to each other."

Kara's brow furrowed. "That's what friends do, right?"

James chuckled. "You're friends with Maggie but you don't exchange 'I love you's as often as you do with Lena and no, Alex doesn't count. It's understandable 'cause she's your sister. Lena only lets you get all touchy and clingy with her and you're only like that towards Lena. Heck, even us are friends but we don't do any of those." Offering a smile, he continued. "Admit it. You've already fallen for her before you have even realized it."

Realization dawned upon her making her gasp. "Holy cow. You're right. Oh my God. I thought I was just falling for her but now that I think about it... All that jealousy I felt when she told me about her ex, the urge to protect her from anything and everything, or the way my stomach was like having butterflies when she's laughing or smiling. It all makes sense now."

Still smiling, James looked at her and said, "Go get your girl."

Kara grinned. "You bet I will."

She dashed out of James' office feeling giddy and excited, but stopped at the doorway to turn around. "Oh, and James?"

"Yes, Kara?"

"Thank you." She beamed at him before completely stepping out of his office, feeling confident that everything will be going well.

#kara danvers #lena luthor #alex danvers #james olsen #kara #lena #alex #james #supercorp #supergirl #humor #fluff

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