i am like. unreasonably mad right now.

Rambling abt the half dream half nightmare that woke me up today below the cut. feel free to ignore, just need to vent it out somewhere. Probably going to include me talking abt Current Family Issues and Feelings so. yeah. TW for mentions of someone in hospital, death, religion, and overall family dysfunction lmao

I know that ultimately, right now, if something big and/or terrible happened medically to anyone in my family back in ND, I wouldn't be able to go see them. The money just isn't there (part of why I'm not going out there this summer nor are they coming out here at all.) I've accepted it, and I try not to think abt it.

That said, LOVE (read: HATE) my brain deciding a hyper realistic yet weird dream abt my mum winding up in hospital is the way to go this morning. Complete with:

-her bf refusing to speak to me abt it, and telling me not to bother going to visit her in the weird, somehow existing in both CT and ND simultaneously, hospital with a 'haven't you already been enough of a burden to her?'

-me staying in my grandparent's old house in ND, and for some reason that meant being wildly unable to get ready to go to the hospital. Finding my clothes was nearly impossible, but. all their old decorations were back up on the wall so even as I was searching for them I like. Didn't want to leave? As if the house would revert back to being sold like it has been irl, if i left it. Finally I wound up just stealing clothes from my grandfather's side of their closet (specifically his old 80s styled 'eagle on a tree branch' print sweater that he got forced to toss a few years ago bc it was becoming more holes than sweater, and one of his old, big leather jackets. somehow i found jeans that fit me, idk how considering i can't seem to do that irl rn but i digress)

-me showing up to the hospital FINALLY only for Noel Fielding?? to be sitting outside it with a friend dressed in what i can only describe as absolutely gorgeous future techno witch clothing. Unfortunately they were fucking dicks in this dream and scared the shit out of me by joking that 'it was so nice I'd shown up still despite the worst' and implying my mum had already passed. Noel did shout apologies as i stomped off inside and that as far as he knew she was still okay, but his friend is the one who handed me a wrapped in plastic, small, metal stool with a weird cartoon face on the seat so i could 'sit with her body, like sitting shiva, right?' (not like that at all to my knowledge, but then again my family has rarely to never fully followed any of the various religious rituals around death, we just. take the bits the dead person liked from them and ignore the rest, for better or for worse. Maybe that's just what happens when a family is a mishmash of various christian sorts from Catholic to Protestant with the hidden knowledge that actually, prior to ppl moving to the States, ppl in the family were Jewish but inter-marrying into Catholic families for safety-sake, and so any Jewish traditions used now are done wrongly and weirdly and in odd bits and pieces. At least that's as much as I've been told/have found out abt it, anyway)

-I proceed into this stupidly fancy and open concept hospital, to immediately find a hugr crowd mucking up the elevators (crowding the elevator bank and refusing to let others on.) That's where Con showed up, and helped me make it up the ridiculously wide, roundish staircases (think like. wide rounded stage steps, but for each level of this hospital), while also trying soothe me by telling me Housemate was already here and waiting for me, so were my grandparents and even Mum's bf (he promised to keep him away from me lol, it was v sweet in an otherwise filled with anxiety dream.)

-however, as we were struggling up the steps (also full of crowds, pushing each other around, so we literally had to hold hands and hold onto the railings and walls to avoid being shoved down the stairs), he kept hesitating on saying more abt mum. He tried to distract me by mentioning that, since I was here, the docs might want me to address some of my own health issues but that he wouldn't let them force me into any treatment i didn't want. Then he finally alluded to mum being in worse straits than I'd been told abt and said something to the effect of 'doing only what you can, not what she or others would expect of you' and 'not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else alive' plus admitting he was deeply worried my family was abt to force me into a big decision that absolutely wasn't the ONLY treatment option that would help mum, but it was implied to be the one mum's bf and my grandparents were pushing for.

-still dunno exactly what that option was, but just before i woke up i started hearing the latter part of the song Gethsemane from JCS (Housemate and I have been watching various versions irl this weekend lol), specifically the bit where Jesus dares/begs/etc God to see how he dies. This was accompanied by me finally reaching my mum's hospital room, and a stupid bright light emanating from it and like. Not to critique my own brain and the dream it created, but that was far too on the nose for me personally lmao.

-and I woke up thinking abt the call with my grandparents that I had on Thursday (didn't go super poorly but went. kind of weird and uncomfortable and confirmed again that like. they're happy for me being out here in CT, yet at the same time hold it and my happiness against me to some unconscious degree as originally outright confirmed by Mum in an earlier call her and I had like. Tail end of last year lmao. the main crux seeming to be 'why couldn't i find happiness in ND/what's wrong with all of them/why wasn't i willing to keep trying to make my life work in ND regardless of my happiness/don't i know how hard it is without my being there to help everyone whenever they ask/etc family bullshit')

And now I'm laying here thinking. If the Worst would happen for any of them, they would fully expect me to empty my bank accounts and do whatever else i had to, to get to ND not just to see them, but to help. to take care of as much as possible for them (mum and grandma get decision paralysed by sad/scary life events, my aunt is so uncomfortable with sickness and death she won't do hospital visits or funerals at all anymore for anyone, my cousins...are young enough they won't know how to handle it/won't want to, my grandpa tends to just shut down and isolate when things go to shit, and that's not to say that they all don't still get done things that need doing in these situations, but that they DO all usually need prodding and help and have leaned on me for that since i was a kid.)

And i would of course want to see them/help however i could, but. not to that extent. not to the point that I'd have nothing for myself, no money or help (bc they're not in a position to return that help or money to me, and they'd be so emotional as to likely be extremely offended and upset if i mentioned needing help myself.)

That said, I'm sick of silently daring them to watch me die just for their sakes, even tho i do still love them all dearly. and of course, that's entirely too dramatic but at the same time, Mum and I have had convos abt 'what if there's a shooting somewhere that we're at, how do we handle it, how are we attempting to protect each other' and Mum always says she would take a bullet for me, but she didn't protest when i say that I'd take one for her or anyone else in the family first. Last time she just nodded like. yeah. of course you would. so. Feelings, abt all of this.

If u actually read this full thing that was A. very sweet of u and i appreciate that u care abt my silly lil fucked up brain enough to do that (genuinely, I'm v grateful) and b. here is a pic of Nisha as what little compensation i can give for u reading this long ass ramble lol

hi can i get a joker matchup please? i’m 5’4,have brown eyes,purple hair,and i’m hispanic. i’m slim thicc😂i love to read and write,i mostly write poetry and i sometimes try at actual stories. i’m the type of girl to wake my s/o up at 3am for a random road trip or even to just go to a park. i’m very clingy and love cuddles. i have ptsd (from r***), mdd, and bpd (which makes it really hard for me to trust people and keep stable relationships). i also have self harm scars. idk what else to say lol

this is the purple haired nonny that j sent a matchup request,i just have a few things to add lol.i’m hella goth,i dress in all black and i’m overall just a dark person.i have my lip,septum,and nostril pierced(i plan on getting way more).i have glasses and i’m practically legally blind w/o them on.i have a really bad rbf,which intimidates ppl(my piercings and style aren’t any help with that lmao)&it kinda makes me sad that it does because i’m actually really friendly and sweet. okay im done lol

You asked me about this a few times and I just wanted to say thank you for being so patient with me - I’ve had your matchup since March 😭 as an extra thank you, and as an apology, I made this as long as I possibly could! I hope that it ends up being worth the wait, darling.💕 I worked on this for about a week, so I hope you enjoy it!

Total wc: 3, 387 ✨✨✨

Arthur // wc: 1, 647.

There’s a four inch height difference between yourself and Arthur and he adores it. It’s not that the fact that you’re shorter than him means that you need to be protected, but even so, he can’t stop himself fully from wanting to protect you even more. Your brown eyes are arguably Arthur’s favourite thing about you, if he had to pick just one (really, he loves all of you for exactly who you are and he wouldn’t change a single thing about you!), because they’re so different to his. When he’s in the middle of a laughing attack or when he just can’t think straight, Arthur likes to cup your face in his hands while he looks into your eyes. “Perfect,” he murmurs, so quietly that you’re not even entirely sure that you were supposed to hear him. You were stood so close to him, though, that you did hear him and it only made your face heat up in embarrassment. Your purple hair is something that Arthur cherishes. In a city of grey buildings, grey concrete, grey suits and dull colours, all too telling of a dying city, your hair is vibrant and it stands out, it makes a statement and Arthur wishes that he had that same level of confidence and bravery. He tells himself that if he spends enough time in your company, then maybe some of that confidence will become his, too. Anything which is important to you is, by default, important to Arthur, and he would soak up anything about your culture that you want to share with him like he’s a sponge. Injustice infuriates Arthur and if anyone ever said anything even slightly offensive to you or about you, then Arthur would be rightfully indignant and he can, will, and has taken a few punches to defend your honour. Arthur loves all of you and he wouldn’t have you any other way, and if ever you became insecure about any part of you, physical or otherwise, then Arthur would be right there with cuddles and all the words you need to hear the most! You’re creative and quiet evenings are spent with the two of you spending time together separately. You would be sat on the worn sofa, with a spring digging into you from somewhere, writing a story or creating poetry, and Arthur would be sat at the small coffee table. The room would be filled with a quietly playing film on the old television, and the sounds of your scribbling and Arthur’s own squeakier pen. Arthur wouldn’t ever ask you, he’s too shy and too afraid of rejection, but he’d love to read the things which you’ve written and he’d put on personal shows for you, too, so that he can practice his comedy, and he might even ask you to help him with his material!

For one reason or another, Arthur has insomnia and most often is he awake at all hours of the night, only able to grab a scant handful of hours of sleep before he’s woken up by his own body. He also likes to go on late night walks, especially after Penny dies, and your spontaneous tendencies to go to the park at 3 AM would be perfect here; because when you wake up, wanting to go on an adventure, Arthur already has his worn and faded mustard yellow jacket on, shoes by the door and a knowing but weary and exhausted smile on his face. “Let’s go, darling,” Arthur would light up a cigarette, exhaling and running a hand through his hair, “Before it starts to get light.”. Arthur adores these night time adventures and he is always, in one way or another, touching you. Whether it’s cuddling on the sofa when he’s watching The Murray Franklin Show (you’re too busy watching him to be fussed about someone who’s entire comedic theme is humiliating other people for the sake of a laugh from a bought and paid for audience), or holding Arthur close to you when he’s shivering after you found him in the fridge at three in the morning, or an arm wrapped around your waist when you’re on the way home from Pogo’s, or even just a grounding touch, you are always touching one another in one way or another. Both of you have your struggles and challenges and it’s not an easy relationship to begin with, but there is so much love between you and that’s what really keeps the two of you together. Arthur is no stranger when it comes to mental illness and if he ever had any questions, he would either ask you directly or he would bring it up during his next appointment with Doctor Kane. As far as finding it difficult to trust people Arthur always understands and he would do everything that he could, as well as you doing everything that you could, to coax and to ease each other into the connection which is so obviously there. The first time you showed him your self harm scars, he cooed softly in shared pain and in understanding and in love and he lavished kisses all over the scars, a single shaky index finger gently rubbing in his kisses, as if the love he has for you would seep into the pores of your skin and heal you from the inside out… he’s not far wrong. Again, and this is very important, Arthur loves you for all of you, and there’s nothing you could ever say or do which would make Arthur love you any less or be any less proud of you.

 Arthur really admires your style. Everyone in Gotham follows the crowd. They don’t ever deviate for fear of ridicule or similar and as such, your own bravery in being who you are and putting your outside on the inside is something which Arthur deeply admires and again does he feel that if he spends lots of time with you, some of your confidence and security in who you are as a person will rub off on him. In time will he discover just how right he is in that theory, though it will be in the worst of ways. You’re a dark person and Arthur gravitates towards that; it’s cathartic, for one, but also, for Arthur, there’s safety in your darkness because it’s yours. He adores how the dark colours you wear contrast so starkly with the bright and mismatched colours which he wears. You complete each other, he thinks, and he wants to know whether your piercings hurt. Why did you get them? Why those places? Did it hurt? How did it happen, what was the process of being pierced? Whether he rattles off those questions in an excited blur or finds out the answers over time all depends on how receptive you are to his curiosity, but he’d definitely be very curious and supportive. Arthur would really admire how comfortable you are in your own skin and he hopes for that for himself, one day. It’ll be sooner than either of you think and neither of you will be ready. You have glasses and Arthur only ever touches them if they’re left somewhere which is dodgy - for example, on the edge of the sink. He lets you put them down and take them off and he’s ready and willing always to give you a hand if you drop them, but otherwise he doesn’t interfere. He wouldn’t like it if you moved his things around, after all, though of course he wouldn’t say anything. Arthur is incredibly protective of you and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you. You’re his entire world and he’s so ready and willing to love you with everything that he has and everything that he is. The fact that you feel the same way about him only makes him want to cry. Sometimes he does, and you hold him close and you comfort him and he only cries more. Mutual comfort is something which is really common in your relationship and you both adore it and each other all the more for it. 

Arthur was definitely intimidated by you when he first saw you, but it wasn’t because of your resting face, your style or your piercings. It was just because that’s how Arthur is, so shy and so unsure of social interactions is he. He kept looking at you, intensely curious about you and wanting to talk to you, but in the end were you the one to approach him; you’re friendly and sweet and after that first awkward interaction, Arthur was very taken with you and he wanted to dive straight in to the oceans of your mind and to never resurface. Months later, that is still very much what he wishes to do with you, just as much as you want to dive into him! Arthur really does admire the way that you’re not afraid to be yourself, and he would tell you as such on your first meeting. “I… I re-really like your - your clothes. They look good on you.”. As the days turn to weeks and the weeks bleed into months, Arthur is no longer intimidated by you. He knows you, he sees you, he loves you. He loves all of you just as deeply as you love all of him and when you get sad by the way people assume about you, Arthur hums softly. “I know what that’s like. It hurts but… so long as the people who love you, like me,” He would smile sweetly, “Know who you are, then, that’s okay. You’re the best person in Gotham and you make everything worth it.”. Arthur loves you for all of you, and there’s nothing which you could ever say or do which would make him love you any less or be any less proud of you.

Joker // wc: 1, 740.

If you thought that Arthur used to be protective of you, then you’re in for a wild ride when he saunters home one night and, “it’s Joker now, darling!”. You don’t know what this is all about and you’re not sure how to take it, but there’s something familiar in those green oceans which you know and love so well. You stop and you look at Arthur and you realise that he’s the same man he’s always been. There’s just something about him which has always been so magnetic, so hypnotic and so specifically Arthur that you know you would recognise him anywhere. You’re not entirely supportive of who he is as Joker, because you want for him to still get the help and support which he so obviously needs, but you also know that you love him and that you will weather every storm with him, every storm for him, just as he always will for you. Your brown eyes bring Joker home to you every single day, just as they always have, and you come to sync up your hair dying routines: when you dye your hair purple, Joker dyes his green. You help each other out with this, bonding over your vivid colours, and as the green and the purple flecks merge and blend together in the ceramic sink, tinged yellow with age, Joker realises that he’s finally home; body, mind, heart and soul. You are his home. Joker is extremely protective of you, and where he used to take punches to defend you, now he gives them out, too, not giving people a chance to retract anything they say or do to you. You get what you fucking deserve, as he once so famously said, and it’s not unusual for you to have to tend to his injuries, just like you had to tend to his bruises when he used to take beatings, the poor man. You’re creative and so much of how you used to spend your days together remains to be the same; Joker wants to show you that he’s still the same man he’s always been, even after his mental break, but he just no longer cares about what the world may think of him. You still spend quiet evenings together, with you writing and Joker either reading his old battered brown journal or watching the news quietly. He does everything he can to show you that he’s still himself and you only love him deeper for who he is. In truth does Joker love you just as deeply. You’re his entire world and he makes sure that you know that.

Your spontaneous nature works perfectly with Joker; by now is he used to being up all hours of the night, to doing things just because he can, so when you wake up at 3 AM wanting to go for a walk somewhere, Joker’s probably coming in through the front door after a night of doing who knows what (you’ll find out in the morning, you’re sure, when you finally watch the news), and he’s ready to go out again when you are! You’re very clingy and you love to cuddle and Joker adores all the ways you love on him, just like you used to. Really, nothing much has changed in your relationship, apart from the fact that Arthur no longer cares. He’s so cuddly with you and even when he’s busy, he always has time for you. If he doesn’t, then he makes time for you; you’re always his number one priority. You always have been and you always will be. You’re his one and only and no matter what kind of mood he’s in, he welcomes your touches and he always wants more of them and of you. Sometimes Joker’s too pent up to be touched but he learns over the days and weeks to let you in, to let you help him, and really, he loves you too much to ever fully push you away. Even when everything in him is screaming at him to get up, to run, to get out, because his various mental illnesses are now untreated and who knows how that will show itself within him, Joker will remain still. He may be stiff in your hold but after a few moments, he’ll relax into you just like he always will. You have PTSD, as does Arthur, and he understands. By this stage in your relationship, Arthur knows exactly how to help you, how to support you and how to be there for you, and there’s still nothing that he wouldn’t do for you. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, nothing ever is, and if it’s ever too good to be true, that’s because it is and you should run, dearheart, but time and again do the two of you fall back together because there is so much love between you. No matter how rough it gets, no matter how difficult things are for either of you, there is always love and that’s what matters most of all! You are almost always touching in one way or another, that is another thing which has never changed, and when you’re cuddling, Joker likes to press kisses to your self-harm scars; just like he always used to. To replace your marks of pain and suffering with marks of love and understanding is something which he still loves to do, and again and again do you look at Joker and you see him, just as you always have. You love each other so deeply and it is the saving grace when times are so rough that you wonder what the point of everything is. The point is each other and you remind each other of that fact every single day, so in love are the two of you that you don’t even have to try; you just are. The best things in life defy explanation.

Joker adores your style. You are so you and when he is out and about in the city he likes to look for things which he thinks you would like; he usually grabs them quickly and tucks them under his blazer. He can run fast and he is never worried about getting caught. One day that will catch up to him, but for now will he present you with gifts with a flourish fitting the clown he is and a proud smirk. He knows you so well. Even to this day, months later from the day he first met you, he really admires you and your courage to dress the way you most like to. And now, with Arthur out of his old high school clothes and into a brightly coloured, highly recognised suit, the two of you dress like stark opposites to each other if Joker goes out in public. When he goes out bare faced and in his older clothes, though, the two of you are still contrasted, especially because Arthur wears his bright yellow hoodie. This contrast only makes Joker stay close to you; you are different in some ways but for every difference is there a similarity and he clings to those as surely as he clings to your hand. Your hair means that you stand out in a crowd, but Joker loves that - he knows that you’re real and actually with him when people double take when you walk past them. Most of the souls in Gotham are apathetic to the things which go on around them so people barely notice your hair colour, but Joker cherishes the small reminders that you do exist. It makes him hold your hand a little tighter, his fingers interlocked with yours even as he smirks over at you. On Hallowe’en, he likes to ask you to do his makeup and you match on those nights and Joker loves to dance around in the streets with you, your piercings glinting in the soft orange glow given off by the street lights, people staring but the two of you uncaring… You have glasses and Joker still doesn’t touch them unless you have left them somewhere which could be dangerous, like the edge of the sink, but he also likes to tap upon one of the arms of your glasses by way of asking you to remove them so that he can see you. This is especially true if you’re crying, so he can wipe your tears away directly from the source, a soft smirk on his lips. Oh, how he loves you. There is nothing that he won’t do for you and that’s always been true and it will always be true.

When you’re out and about in the streets with Arthur and someone turns their shoulder so that you don’t walk into them, they’re either being polite or they’re intimidated by you. Sometimes you can shrug it off, always assuming the best in people, but when Joker can see that you have been upset by it, so intuitive is he and so well does he know you, he only grips  your hand tighter and he says something like, “it’s okay, I know who you are. That’s all that matters. People think they know me too, and,” He shrugs, smirking, but you can see the pain in his beautiful sea green eyes, “They don’t. But you do. And that’s enough for me.” the it has to be goes unspoken but you hear it anyway and you squeeze his hand by way of silent understanding. So much of what passes between the two of you is unspoken because you just know each other so well that you don’t even need to speak - you can see it in each other’s eyes. No matter what happens, no matter where you go or who you become, Joker loves you. You’re his everything; your love for him is the weapon against the world which he keeps locked and loaded, his finger on the trigger even though he knows that you’ll protect him so well that he doesn’t even need to bother to defend himself. He loves all of you for exactly who you are, just as you love all of him, and there’s nothing which the two of you wouldn’t do for each other. The best things defy explanation and, oh, not even Shakespeare himself could adequately describe the love which exists between the two of you. You’re written into the very fabric of the universe.

ideas on ballum’s first date? and does ben enjoy running his fingers through Callum’s hair just as much as callum does? p.s hope your holidays improve 💕

thank you, they weren’t so bad but i’m very glad to be home lmao 💞

ok so i went a little bit overboard w this but this is me we’re talking about, it’s to be expected lmao but i did them in bullet points for clarity !!

so ideas for the first date:

it’s awkward as hell at first lmao

ben is still in a lot of pain from his injury because he isn’t fully healed, and also he’s lowkey a nervous wreck bc he realizes this a big deal for callum!!! but also it’s a big deal for him too!!! he likes callum!! he doesn’t want to fuck it up!! for callum’s sake, and the sake of their Thing that they have going already

and callum is highkey a nervous wreck for a multitude of reasons…. mostly it’s the gay thing bc it’s all so fresh and new and he still can’t walk around the square without feeling like ppl are staring at him…. and he realizes a lot of it is paranoia but also like….. he’s just split up w whitney, and everyone around walford knows them and knows him and what’s happened and like there’s just no anonymity….. he kind of wishes they could get on a train and go somewhere else, somewhere where they can slip into the crowd where no one knows them so callum maybe won’t feel like everyone is watching them and judging him but ben can’t risk going too far away from home yet….. which is fine it really is he’d rather be safe than sorry and it’s Just A Pint anyway not a big deal……. it’s just that callum kind of wants to crawl out of his skin a little bit….. no biggie……….

(but callum still goes on the date, because of course he does. he wants to go out for a drink with ben. he does. that’s not the problem. the problem is everything else.)

so yh they go to e20 (it’s not ideal but the alternate choices are the vic, which has too many prying eyes, and the prince albert, which is too much too soon for callum) and it’s really awkward at first bc ben can sense how nervous callum is - jumping at every noise and constantly checking over his shoulder and can hardly sit still

and at first ben is a little bit put out bc he hasn’t had a problem keeping a man’s attention in a Long Ass Time but then he remembers what he was like when he was in callum’s shoes and can’t really be mad at him lmao….. he just is maybe kinda sad abt it bc this date is Weak and callum deserved better

so after a while ben asks callum if he wants to leave and callum is like ’???? wtf no’ bc he doesn’t even realize how jumpy and distracted he is

and ben is like ‘it’s ok if you do, i don’t mind, i get it’ and callum is really just sitting there like ???

so ofc bc callum isn’t saying anything ben starts rambling like 'maybe this was too soon, you have just broke up with whitney and you’re still getting your head around things, i don’t want you running into things when you’re not ready’ etc 

meanwhile in his head he’s like ben u Fuckin Idiot!! u’ve fucked it up!!!!!!! u’ve pushed him too hard this is too much u should have just waited!!!!!!!!!!!

that is until callum interrupts his rambling by Very Firmly saying 'ben, if i didn’t want to be here, i wouldn’t be here’

that shuts ben up lmao

after that callum makes a more conscious effort to relax and actually pay attention to ben and it doesn’t take long for callum to actually relax and forget where he is and everything that’s happened and enjoy ben’s company

and ben keeps having a go at cal for making him laugh bc it hurts and every single time callum gets really serious and apologetic which only makes ben laugh harder :-(

by the end of the night they’re sat practically pressed together in one of those rounded booths and neither of them know how they ended up like that bc they were on opposite sides when they sat down but neither of them really care :-)

they don’t stay out too late bc ben’s still a little out of whack from his injury, though it’s callum that insists they leave bc ben keeps being like ‘one more drink’ even tho cal can see him drooping w exhaustion :-( poor ben just doesn’t want it to be over bc tho the date started weak they have completely turned it around :-(

ben perks back up once they’re out in the fresh air and immediately starts teasing callum abt the fact that he’s walking him home

“proper gent you, ain’t ya? i can’t remember the last time someone walked me home after a date.” “you’re injured, i’m hardly gonna leave you to walk home by yourself am i? what if something happened to ya?” “what, during the five minute walk between e20 and my dad’s?” “you never know.” “just admit that you’re hoping i’ll invite you in for a nightcap.”

callum kind of freezes up at that but ben just gives him That Look and a small shove and says 'i’m joking, callum’

when they’re at the door to the mitchell’s ben turns to him with this soft smile and says 'don’t take this the wrong way, but i think we’re a bit too old for snogging on the doorstep while my dad’s probably sat in the living room’ and callum laughs and looks at the floor all shy because he doesn’t feel too old. he feels like he’s sixteen years old and he’s just been on his first proper date and this is all new and exciting to him.

(he supposes it is, in a way.)

and then ben very softly asks 'wasn’t so bad, was it?’ and callum smiles at him and shakes his head and ben smiles back and whispers 'good’ and leans over and kisses him on the cheek - it doesn’t linger quite as long as the last one, but this one feels different. warmer. like a promise of more to come. and he can’t help but grab hold of ben’s hand as he unlocks the front door and squeeze it as they say goodbye :-)

and they’re both so fucking enamoured w each other in that moment that both of them forget to ask for a second date lmao

so yeah it’s a pretty good date in the end lmao

as for hair stroking!!

he never really gets into hair stroking at first on account of the fact that callum is just So Fucking Tall and he always has his hair covered in gel so he can’t just do it absentmindedly the way callum does…… 

the few times he’s tried it’s awkward and not at all suave and natural the way callum does it, and then callum will complain about ben fucking up his hair and ben will end up with a sticky hand and like… there are more fun ways to end up in that situation….

besides it’s not like ben isn’t physically affectionate in other ways !!! it’s just that hair stroking is more callum’s thing

that is until one day callum practically passes out with his head on ben’s chest and all ben can see is the crown of his head…. his hair lookin soft as hell… smelling good bc he just had a shower…. and like what is ben gonna do? not stroke it?

and he’s glad callum is asleep tbh bc he has to like… figure out what works best…….. bc it’s not like lexi’s hair and it’s not like paul’s hair and it’s not like he has much experience with stroking anyone else’s hair…. so he’s like. Experimenting

and then he starts scratching at the shorter hair behind callum’s ear and cal makes this little sighing noise and presses closer to him and ben is just like oh ???????????????

so he keeps trying different things and callum just keeps on making these happy sounds and pressing his face more into ben’s chest and it’s just like…. game over….. he can’t believe This is what he’s been missing out on

or at least it’s game over while callum is asleep bc ben is Shy and doesn’t want to make a bigger fool out of himself in front of callum than he does already……. but like once callum’s unconscious? it’s game over

and callum has suspicions bc he keeps waking up to ben’s fingers tangled in his hair but it’s weird bc like…. why does he only do it when he’s asleep?

so, because he has learned from his other half Sneaky Bastard Ben, one day he fakes falling asleep just to see :-) and sure enough ben hands are in his hair within minutes - he starts off just gently rolling a bit of callum’s hair in between his fingers, but before long he’s full on stroking his fingers through the long part of callum’s hair

and callum pretends to be asleep for as long as he can but after a certain point he just can’t keep the smile off his face

and ben gets all huffy bc he’s embarrassed :-(

but callum just laughs and kisses ben’s chest and moves closer to him so he has easier access to his hair and ben resumes his stroking Immediately bc it’s like instinct now :-)

after that anytime they’re cuddling they basically cannot keep their hands out of each others hair

ben even takes to scratching at the hair on callum’s nape in public (when they’re sat down ofc bc callum is still So Fucking Tall) bc he can’t get to his favourite bit bc of the gel :-( so needless to say ben very quickly starts to hate the gel and tries to convince callum to abandon it but he won’t bc he thinks the slicked back hair makes him look Professional

ben pouts about it but he also kinda likes being the only one who gets to see his soft floppy hair now

anyway long story short, yes ben likes running his fingers through callum’s hair just as much as callum does, it just takes him a little while longer to catch on lmao

💖💖💖

I don't want to socialize. I don't like it. I don't even want a huge group of friends--maybe a couple I feel comfortable with. I don't want a bf til I can be independent. I do want to move out and have my own space. And I want a fulfiling job. That is my dream. Specifically to write and fight injustice like terrorism, human trafficking, abuse (no idea how to do that). Never wanted to be conventional. Have a pet sitting "business" - always hard to talk to clients, rather be w animals. I have a ha

I have a hard time trusting God because I do not want to do things I don’t like. I want to do the things I want to do for a living; God wants me to do something social. Anyone who is not good at social things is less in the eyes of God and everyone else. I do NOT want to have such a shameful weakness- I mean, afraid of people? How stupid. But I would rather be alone and read, write etc most of the time. I like it better that being w ppl. But God wants us to love ppl and be w them all the time

I mean, you have to be good at social things to be successful, to have a job. If you aren’t, you have to make up for it in a LOT of skills of other kinds. Which I don’t have. I do not want a walmart job- but couldn’t even do that, much less what I want to do–something to do with national security etc. I

If God wants me to change and be social, then that IS where my value lies and I am not valuable like this.

Had internship after school but they fired me bc I was too nervous and couldn’t do the job. W public defender. Had to interview ppl in jail and ask them questions from a sheet. There was a math question on it. Could not figure it out. They gave me a book to learn it but I could not concentrate w ppl around. Math+social? Impossible. Same w vol this summer- messed up change bc customer talking to me. Don’t know what I actually have ability to do… :( cant be at parents forever.

I don’t want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to use my strengths to glorify God. Ppl using their strengths in a job, their talents, will make both them and others happy bc it will simply be a better product. Who wants to read a book by a bad author, for example?

I have asked God for help. To get me a job. Make me do things. He did not help me.

—

Hi there,

Personally speaking, I’m not big on socializing. I’m the type of person who enjoys spending time with people who I am close with and trust.. and that’s only a handful of people. If I’m comfortable with you, I can keep talking for a long time and I genuinely enjoy it! But if I’m not comfortable with someone and/or it’s just surface small talk, it can start to feel like interacting becomes a chore or it can feel a bit awkward. I also get drained and anxious feeling pretty quickly in settings with large crowds. I’m an introvert and it sounds like you are too - and introversion is definitely not something inherently negative or wrong. But the concern here regarding your situation is it seems like your introversion is related to a lot of deep-seated fears (which if I recall correctly, are linked to past hurts) and it’s interfering with your life in a way that is making you unhappy. And it’s definitely clear that the enemy is preying on this by doing a number on your self-confidence and feeding you the lie that you aren’t valuable or loved by God if socializing is a challenge for you.

Your claim that “anyone who is not good at social things is less in the eyes of God and everyone else” is not Biblical. God’s love for us is proven by the fact that He died on the cross to make the free gift of salvation through faith in Christ possible. The Word also tells us that we become righteous in His eyes as a result of accepting Christ so that our sins are washed away and we become white as snow.

“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” - 2 Corinthians 5:21

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” - Isaiah 1:18

There is no reason to believe that God loves you less or thinks of you as lesser because socializing is difficult for you. That’s a flat out lie from the enemy meant to attack your confidence and weaken your faith in God. You’re correct when you say God wants us to always love others. However, it is inaccurate to say God expects us to be around people all the time. One example that proves God does not expect this is that we are told to pray in private and spend time alone with the Father (Matthew 6:6). We are not commanded to be in the presence of others 24/7 nor is always being around people socializing a requirement to fulfill the command of to loving others.

Socializing does serve various purposes that can help both yourself and others, and glorify Him. One example of this is carrying out the Great Commission. Communicating with others is how we tell people about Christ. However, you don’t have to be the strong at verbally talking in order to socialize and communicate with others. He can use the areas you do have strengths in to serve others. And at the same time, He can help you get stronger at the areas of socializing you aren’t so strong at - but you have to allow Him to do that work in you. If you completely shut yourself off to the idea of doing things outside of your comfort zone, He won’t force His help upon you.

Using myself as an example, I am definitely stronger at articulating myself about matters of faith in writing versus verbally speaking. Sometimes I get nervous verbally speaking and the enemy likes to attack my confidence in these moments. I believe that He allowed for me to use this blog as a means of carrying out the Great Commission because a strength of mine lies in written communication. But at the same time, He’s put me in situations of verbally talking to people about faith to show me that even though communicating verbally isn’t my strongest area, He provides the perfect words and the nervousness melts away when you trust and allow Him to work in you.

Another example relating to your situation about work concerns is that when I first started working, I was terrified to answer the phones. I was so afraid of sounding silly and talking to a stranger on the other end of the line. However, I made peace with the fact that this is a big part of my job. And it certainly felt awkward at first because it was outside of my comfort zone. But when I kept doing it, it became something I do without a second thought - and it feels really nice when I think about how nervous I used to feel over it and how now it’s really not much of a big deal. I sometimes still get moments where fumble over my words a little because like I said, verbal communication isn’t one of my strongest areas. I don’t think I’ll ever feel as much ease handling work phone calls as I do when say talking to a family member or a friend. But that’s okay - I don’t need to be perfect at articulating myself or feel comfort as if the person on the other end of the line is my best friend in order to get my job done. Likewise, you don’t have to demand a level of perfection of yourself in socializing in order to be functional at the job that He wants for you.

What is so important to understand is that when you ask God for help, you have to be willing to accept that help. He won’t force you or make you do something.. you’ve admitted that you don’t want to do things that you don’t want to. So if you’ve made up your mind that you can’t socialize, it’s impossible for it to be any other way, and you won’t keep trying at it, He won’t make you do something differently. You have freewill.. and if you use your freewill to be stubborn and refuse for Him to work in you because you’re afraid and/or don’t want to do things outside of your comfort zone, He will respect that decision. You can’t accuse Him of not helping you when you are only willing to accept His help on your terms and not His. And by refusing the idea of any type of change or doing something that is potentially uncomfortable until you get used to it, you can block Him from working in you - not because He isn’t able to or doesn’t want to, but because He won’t force you to change or take a certain action. It’s unfair to believe He isn’t helping you if you’re expecting Him to make you do something, simply because He doesn’t make people do things. That would work against the freewill He has given us if He forced us to do things against our will.

I can’t know what God specifically wants for you in terms of the job meant for you.. I can offer my thoughts and advice based on what you tell me, but when it comes to what path He wants for you, I have no way of knowing that. That’s why it’s so important for you pray and seek His guidance with this, as this is something between you and Him. I think you also need to reach a point of accepting that there will be some degree of communication necessary, no matter what that job is. The degree of socializing in jobs will vary, but every job requires some sort of communication with others in order for tasks to he completed. Even people who are self-employed have to communicate with others at times. You of course aren’t required to be in a job where there’s a lot of socializing involved, but you will need to do it sometimes no matter what the job - your pet sitting business is an example of that. Even though you work with the pets most of the time, you still have to talk with the pets’ owners at times.

It’s not a shameful weakness to have a hard time communicating with people, and it’s not something impossible to get stronger with. It may be impossible to get past this by your own power, but it’s possible when you seek Christ and rely on Him for strength. The Word tells us all things are possible with Christ.

“But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” - Matthew 19:26

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13

Try to tackle the fear and consider what is motivating your fear of socializing. Are you afraid of looking silly to others? Afraid of what they think of you? Ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen if you say stuttered or lost your train of thought when talking to someone out of nervousness? Chances are you are actually thinking worse of yourself than what the other person is thinking of you. Also, it’s important to remember when you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, you seek His approval - you no longer need to be in the bondage of seeking approval of man:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” - Galatians 1:10

That’s why it’s so important to adapt the mindset of, “Even if someone did decide to think I’m weird because I stumbled over my words or felt nervous talking to them.. so what? What they think of me ultimately doesn’t matter.” I’m definitely not saying this is a mindset that is easy to have or one that you adapt to overnight. It’s something I still struggle with at times, too. But when I find myself in those moments, I try to ask myself if I’m worrying about what others think or what He thinks, if my worrying over what others think will even ultimately matter in any way or is it just the enemy preying on my self-consciousness. With His help and continually drawing nearer to Him/strengthening your relationship with Him, you can overcome this fear. He can help you to lay down the fears and self-consciousness and have an easier time communicating. At first it may feel difficult and like something you don’t want to do, but growth often feels like something you don’t want to do in the moment. But after you get past the discomfort and see how He’s helped you to become stronger, you find yourself thankful that you listened to Him and didn’t remain stagnant in your comfort zone.

Most people tend to want to remain in their comfort zones because it’s what is familiar to them. Many times, even if on some level a desire for something to change is there, it just feels good to remain in what you know with certainty you can do with ease. I see that in your words - you desire more (the right job, a boyfriend, independence, etc), but at the same time you want to only achieve these things on your terms and are stubborn against going outside the comfort zone out of fear. And I really do get it - the unknown can be scary and nobody enjoys the idea of venturing into something new with the possibility of failing at it. But we can’t allow the fear of the unknown and the possibility of failing to hold us back. When we do, it’s how we become stagnant and never move forward. Fear can be paralyzing, stopping you from succeeding and doing what He wants you to do before you even try. You can’t allow past times you haven’t succeeded to hold you back.. that’s the enemy using those times to chip away at your trust in the Lord and your confidence. The enemy loves reminding you of the parts of your past that you want to forget and leave behind.

I remember you mentioning in past messages your concerns about living with your parents. If you are worried about that, talk openly about it with them. Tell them your worries about living there until you find the right job. Chances are, they aren’t bothered by you living there but instead, it’s your own fear causing you to feel self-conscious about it. Maybe they could also offer you support and guidance about your career concerns, too.

You have a Heavenly Father who loves you and wants to guide you in this. You also have brothers and sisters in Christ who love you and want to help in any way they can. The enemy will try to make you believe you’re facing this alone, but you aren’t.