Sometimes you just have one of those moments where the progress we've made as a culture get thrown into stark relief. You look at something and go "Holy shit, that would never have happened when I was a kid."

Today, I had one of those moments when I realized that the teenage boys I'm working with are just. genuinely, openly enthusiastic about going to Build-a-Bear for their outing.

These are sixteen and seventeen year old boys! They just had a whole conversation about what to name their "cute", mostly new squishmallows! They're genuinely excited that they're going to Build-a-Bear this weekend and asking other kids to pick up specific accessories for them!!

Holy shit, that never would've happened when I was 16. None of the boys would have dared to be visibly interested - and neither would most of the girls! There would have been a million gay jokes and "Haha, you're a girl" jokes and "What are you, a baby?" jokes. Teenagers weren't even supposed to care about anything back then!

Less than 15 years later, and I'm watching three 17 year old boys treat all that as not even worthy of comment.

So let's call that a reason for hope. Even when the kids aren't alright, in some ways apparently they are alright. Go Gen Z, honestly. It's so lovely to watch you guys just openly doing and saying stuff that, when I was a teen, would've been a social death sentence.

Good Omens Season 2: Some Thoughts (and also Screaming)

First, /screams

Second, obligatory disclaimer that this meta contains MAJOR SPOILERS for all six episodes. If you somehow have managed to remain virginally unspoiled, look away now, scroll past, or add "good omens s2" and "good omens spoilers" to your block list, as those are the tags I have been using for all posts and reblogs.

Third, /screams more

Okay okay okay. Deep breaths.

Anyway, so, uh, how about all that, huh? First, the good thing about the tone of the season overall was that it felt considerably darker and more adult, in a good way. We didn't have the precocious kiddies, the kitsch and literally-comphet Anathema and Newt, the so-clever narration, etc. All that was gone, which makes sense when you consider that a) the end of last season saw them reboot into an entirely new universe, and b) the fact that God has gone silent is, in fact, a major plot point for the season. We don't have Her slyly telling us the story, or indeed anything, and everyone is left to make their own judgments and take their own actions. Which, obviously, gets them into a lot of trouble, especially when Metatron (the Voice of God, aka someone acting in the belief that they're speaking for God and therefore doing terrible harm) swoops in with the ultimate buzzkill at the end of episode 6. But we'll get to that.

The downside was that the main, present-day plot (hiding Gabriel in the bookshop and trying to get Nina and Maggie to fall in love) was fairly thin, felt stretched out and at times weirdly paced, and otherwise existed mostly to get us to That Ending and the setup for season 3. But the ending was so damn good (if obviously, very painful) that I can't be TOO mad, not least because we spent six episodes with them just making absolutely no pretense about the whole thing being as incredibly homosexual as possible. I'll be honest: I did not think they were going to actually, explicitly go there. Neil Gaiman has been so consistent about "your interpretations are valid and you're welcome to read it however you want, but the only canon is what's on screen," which I think is frankly a good thing (not least since the Neil GAYman Cinematic Universe is consistently very, very good to us queers), that I just... didn't quite think they'd pull the trigger. Sir Terry is dead and can't have active input, this is based on a book published 30 years ago, maybe they didn't want to make it LIKE THAT... etc. I certainly hoped, but I didn't really think they would.

Uh. Well.

As I said in my various semi-coherent liveblog posts, I honestly don't think there was a single straight person in the entire season, among both major and background characters. Aziraphale/Crowley and Maggie/Nina are the obvious paralleling couples, but Beelzebub (using "they" pronouns and addressed as "Lord" despite presenting as femme/femme-adjacent) is clearly nonbinary and therefore also queer, and the countless gay/queer side characters were just /chefs kiss. From Job's son making a sassy pass at Aziraphale, to the random Scottish goon with Grindr on his phone (which he then gives to Aziraphale, because what is subtlety), to the interracial couple with the trans spouse at the Pride and Prejudice ball, there was just a lot of casual, unremarked, non-story-critical queer representation visible at every turn. It's like the NGCU saw the bigots wailing about Sandman season 1 being extremely gay and went CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, LET'S MAKE GOOD OMENS 2 EVEN MORE GAY.

God bless.

Obviously, Jon Hamm as Amnesia!Gabriel stole the show (he was SO fucking funny) and it was also incredibly fun to watch Miranda Richardson repurposed as a scheming demon. Nina Sosanya also reappeared as Nina the coffee shop owner, which leads us into the Maggie-and-Nina subplot. They're obviously, wildly, incredibly clearly an analogue for Aziraphale and Crowley themselves, but they're also each, crucially, a mix of both. On the surface, Maggie is Aziraphale: the plump, blonde, earnest, sweet-natured one owning a slightly dated book music shop and somewhat clueless about emotional nuances, while Nina is (also on the surface) Crowley, the hard-edged dark loner who doesn't want to open herself up to people or be spotted caring. But emotionally, Maggie is Crowley: the one openly pining, clearly besotted, only wanting to hang around their crush and do whatever they can to make themselves useful, while Nina is Aziraphale. Interested but reticent, attracted but conflicted, trapped in an abusive relationship with a demanding offscreen "lover" (Lindsay/Heaven) who tries to constantly control and shame them without ever offering much, if anything in return. By the end, they bring themselves around to what Maggie/Crowley are offering, but by then, well. We've got a lot more problems on our hands.

As I also said in my earlier posts, this entire thing has always been a metaphor for religion, queerness, and what religion -- especially abusive, fundamentalist, organized religion -- does to queer people, but they really cranked the FUCK out of that metaphor this season. Aziraphale is guilt-tripped, controlled, and shamed for his attraction to Crowley at every turn. He is torn between his imagined duty to Heaven, in all its ignorant, uncaring, bureaucratic, gratuitously cruel system that he still insists on seeing the best in because he can't bear the alternative, and the chaotic and sometimes grey but genuinely more good morality that Crowley offers him. (Can I just say, we were explicitly shown that the two of them together doing "just a little miracle" are more powerful than Heaven AND Hell combined.) And at the end, he's told that the only way he can be with Crowley -- what Metatron explicitly blackmails him with -- is if they both go back to heaven, submit themselves to the cruel system again and give up everything that has made them who they are: their home in London, their human friends, their reliance on each other, their independence, their own ways of doing things. You can be queer in this (religious) framework, but only the limited, watered-down, controlled, controllable, constantly-under-supervision kind of queer, which relies on both you and your lover "converting" back to the true faith. And if you don't cooperate, they will literally kidnap you, lie to you, manipulate you, take you from your soulmate, and force you right back into doing the one thing (destroying the world) that you never, ever wanted to do in the first place, because in their minds, that is still better than this. It's for your own good.

Ouch.

And the thing is: that's why the ending a) hits so hard and b) is so fucking painful, because of course Aziraphale agrees. He has no conception of being able to defy Heaven on his own; he has always, always needed Crowley for that. In the flashbacks, when Aziraphale is faced with an order from Heaven that he desperately does not want to carry out (such as letting all Job's children get killed), he still relies completely on Crowley to "outsmart the rules" and find a better way. Crowley is A Crafty Demon; that's what he does, and so Aziraphale rationalizes it to himself that therefore that must be fine. Even in season 1, when he really didn't want the Apocalypse to happen but initially thought it was his duty as a good Heaven footsoldier, he relied on Crowley to talk him out of it and allow him to do what he really wants instead. That's their whole dynamic in a nutshell, as exemplified in that scene in episode 2, where Crowley tempts Aziraphale with the "pleasures of the flesh" while sprawled on his back in Ravish Me mode like the giant walking gay disaster that he is. (Sorry, buddy. That beard. Can't do it.) Everything that Aziraphale's existence is, that makes him who he is, that he loves and cherishes the most (in this case, food and wine) comes from Crowley. Everything else is just background noise.

Throughout the season, what we see is Aziraphale increasingly coming around to the fantasy of being with Crowley. He's coy and flirty; he talks about "our car" and expects Crowley will let him (which he does); he wants to have a Jane Austen ball and for them to dance together (oh my heart); he even thinks, at the crucial moment, that the best way for them to be together is to go back to heaven just like they were in the beginning, once more perfect angels, as if those entire six thousand years of struggle and grief and pining and separation and falling didn't happen. And Crowley -- poor, poor, brave, devoted, heartbroken Crowley -- has just heard for the first time in said six thousand years that actually telling the person you love how you feel is an option. Maggie and Nina tell them point-blank that their whole stupid plan failed because people aren't chess pieces who can be moved and automatically achieve the desired result. And of course this gobsmacks the dearest and dumbest Ineffable Husbands, because they can't conceive of anything else. People are chess pieces in the Great War of Heaven and Hell; Aziraphale and Crowley themselves are chess pieces who have been desperately trying to get out of being moved by external forces, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what they are. They don't have volition or agency aside from that which they can sneak for themselves in brief and stolen moments. That's it.

Until, well. It's not it. They discover that this whole would-be war is actually an elaborate ruse to cover up another angel-demon romance, that of Gabriel and Beelzebub. (I'll be honest, I'm 99% sure they did this storyline because they saw the fans crackshipping them, but I appreciate a fictional narrative that values and incorporates its fans' input, rather than trying to constantly "trick" or "outsmart" them or "do what they don't expect.") And Gabriel and Beelzebub get to be together, but only by leaving their world forever. They have to desert their homes, their structures, even their own identities, and never return. And Crowley and Aziraphale are so rooted in their "precious, perfect, fragile" life in their little corner of Soho, with their bookshop and their Bentley and their dining at the Ritz (which they didn't get to do in the end because METATRON /shakes fist), that that just doesn't work. Neither of them can conceive of doing that. So Aziraphale thinks "go back to heaven and try to make the terrible system do some good and take what we can in terms of being together" and Crowley just... pours out his heart. He's ready to fucking propose. He barely stops himself from saying something to the effect of "I want to spend eternity with you." He begs, he pleads with Aziraphale to go away not in the literal sense, but the emotional/metaphysical: to finally break this toxic dependence on Heaven and tell them once and for all where to stick it. And because he is desperate to make Aziraphale understand, he finally throws all caution to the winds and recklessly, desperately, adoringly kisses him, the one thing he's wanted to do for ages and...

Gets. Shot. Down.

Ugghhhhh. I'm suffering all over again. Aziraphale wants him, hungers for it, for them, and yet he's been so abused and so conditioned by Heaven (he's still blithely repeating to Crowley's face that "Hell are the bad guys!") that he just cannot accept that kind of desperate, blind, limitless, lawless affection. He even forgives Crowley for this "transgression," just to really twist the knife, and Crowley just can't take it, can't face up to how terribly this has all gone up in flames, after he went to heaven trying to find the answer for Gabriel's situation. Gabriel, who he fucking hates. Gabriel, who tried to kill the angelic being he loves (and for which Crowley has transparently never forgiven him). And yet at one pouty puppy-eyed look from Aziraphale and a warning that whoever is harboring Gabriel might be in danger, Crowley leaps headlong into the Bentley again and rushes to the rescue while "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy" is blaring. He stoutly protects Gabriel; he does a miracle to disguise him; he lets him have hot chocolate and stay in the bookshop; he guards him from the literal demonic horde outside. All because of Aziraphale. That's it. And then, it still doesn't work. Not only that, Gabriel's absence and decision to forego Armageddon gives Heaven the one tool they finally need to take Aziraphale away from him.

I repeat: Ugghhhhhhhh.

(In a good way. Ngl, I love this angst. This is the kind of angst my brain Thrives on, the Thematic Parallel Romantic Character Arc kind. Nom nom nom. But also: AGONY.)

I also need to talk about Aziraphale driving the Bentley, aside from the obvious metaphor of him being in Crowley's home while Crowley is in his. Last season, we had the "you go too fast for me, Crowley" scene with them sitting in said Bentley, which was Aziraphale saying he's not ready for a relationship. In this season, as noted above, we see Aziraphale increasingly embracing the potential fantasy of being with Crowley. But here's the catch: when he's in the Bentley this time, driving it, setting the pace, acclimating to the idea, he's driving his own idea of what the Bentley/his relationship with Crowley is. It's not the real thing. He plays classical music; he supplies himself sweets; he turns it yellow; he drives too slow. Crowley calls him in another old-married-couple snitfit to complain that Aziraphale's messed it up, but what Aziraphale has actually messed up (or will, by the end of the season) is far more consequential than just a car. He's changed the entire shape of their relationship to the one he thinks can make it work, and it just doesn't. It has to be them -- "we could have been... Us" -- or it's not even close to the truth. It's not worth their time.

I repeat: Ouch.

Speaking of the writers validating fan theories, I know we all picked up and screamed about on Crowley's idea of Peak Romance Guaranteed To Fall In Love being sheltering from rain and gazing into each other's eyes, which confirms that that poor bastard was indeed ass-over-teakettle gone as soon as he met Aziraphale (again) in Eden. I also need to talk about the 1941 redux, because wow. This time, the danger comes from Hell, which we see being its usual self: gleefully, pointlessly cruel, pettily backbiting, dirty, sniping, tedious, endless, determined to mindlessly destroy because They're The Bad Guys and they like it. So they blackmail, spy on, miracle-block, illicitly photograph, and try to prove that Aziraphale and Crowley are secretly a couple, right after Aziraphale himself has just had the Light From Heaven realization that he's in love (which we all also picked up on in s1). They're forcibly outing them (to speak of more Religious Queer Trauma) in order to break them up/get them into trouble with their authorities/families. Aziraphale and Crowley manage to escape it mostly by dumb luck, but Crowley having an altogether freakout, hands shaking, barely able to actually point the gun at Aziraphale even in the knowledge that it's supposed to be fake, is just... wow. He can't even fathom the idea of ever trying to destroy him in earnest, especially when he knows on some level that Aziraphale also finally just realized his own feelings. So I just need to --

/screams

Anyway, Aziraphale's entire arc this season is doing what he thinks is the right thing and then inadvertently causing harm and damage as a result. In the Edinburgh flashbacks (live slug reaction of me: SEAN BIGGERSTAFF???!!) he tries to stop Elspeth from stealing bodies and gets Morag killed and Crowley drinking the laudanum to save him (though that part with David Tennant just riffing left and right, using his natural Scottish accent, and being Tiny Crowley/Huge Crowley was hilarious). He invites his neighbors to a Pride and Prejudice ball and makes them all the target for demonic attack. And of course the Job episode: Aziraphale, horrified at Heaven's callous cruelty, desperate not to get Job's children killed, willing to go along with Crowley's tricks to save them somehow, tempted by Crowley to do the fucknasty with their angel bits eat some food and decide that he likes it. As mentioned, the whole thing about God being silent this season is a major thematic choice. The only time we see/hear God is Her communing with Job from afar. Aziraphale enviously imagines the answers he must be getting (he's not, he's baffled and perplexed), while Crowley longs beyond words to even have the opportunity to ask the question: why? Why do this? Why is this your plan?

And of course, this absence culminates in the Metatron, the Voice of God, the person arrogantly claiming that they're speaking for God and know exactly what Heaven wants, being able to seize Aziraphale by the short hairs and absolutely fuck him over. Gabriel is gone/decommissioned/eloping with Beelzebub, so Heaven needs a Supreme Leader (God apparently is no longer a factor in the equation). And what this Supreme Leader needs to do is finally unleash the Apocalypse that Gabriel decided to pass on (the Second Coming). Aziraphale needs to be punished, taken away from Crowley's influence/love, and put back under Heaven's explicit control, so Metatron spots a great opportunity to do all three at once. It's not an accident that the exact tool he uses to get Aziraphale to agree is "now you can actually be with Crowley!" Aziraphale and Crowley have been trying so hard to hide out from their respective Head Offices, but now all at once, there's this seemingly miraculous opportunity for them not to have to do that anymore! They can be together! They can be sanctioned by Heaven! They can give up all this hiding and sneaking around and lying! Isn't that better?

... As long as, of course, they give up absolutely everything that makes them who they are. No big deal. Minor catch. Probably nothing.

Metatron doesn't let Aziraphale have time to escape, or think it over, or reflect, or anything. He pressures Aziraphale to come with him immediately, or be once more subject to Heaven's implicit wrath/destruction/judgment. Believe me, Aziraphale already KNOWS he's made a huge mistake, as soon as he hears what Metatron really wants: bringing him back to unleash the Apocalypse that Aziraphale and Crowley have given up literally everything to prevent. He doesn't need time to reflect. By the time my man is in that elevator, he's well aware of what a catastrophic misjudgment he's made, and yet --

Aziraphale needs this. He has, as noted, literally always relied on Crowley outsmarting Heaven's cruel orders in order to prevent himself from having to do them. He's relied on Crowley rescuing him ("rescuing me makes him so happy," WELL BUB, IT'S BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS NEED IT). He admits to Crowley's face that "I need you!" He hates Heaven's sadistic meanness, but he has absolutely no framework, in and of himself, to defy it. When the rubber hits the road, he will crumple and try to go along with it, and now he's been put in a position where he's going to have to stand up, defy Heaven, and make the break once and for all BY HIMSELF. He doesn't have Crowley around to do it for him, he has no support, he is going to arrive in Heaven and be shuttled straight off to the Apocalypse 2.0 War Room. The only way he gets out of this is if he actively stands up, if he chooses himself and Crowley and their life, and he has to.

The thing is:

Aziraphale has lived his entire eternal existence Looking Up. Up is the direction of Goodness and Heaven. Up is where Angels go. Up is where Aziraphale comes from and where Demons and Hell are not. But now he's going Up, in a position to take over the whole shebang, and it's the last thing he wants.

So he's going to have to come back Down.

He's going to have to Fall. He's going to have to get back Below at all costs. He's going to have to finally, once and for all, understand what led Crowley to make the choice to leave Heaven and never come back. It's only then that they can possibly be together on any kind of conscious, equal, deliberate footing, claim their own agency, reject Heaven AND Hell, and try to really earn that South Downs cottage and that happy-ever-after, and it's gonna hurt so good.

Now if you will excuse me, /screams

I am so happy with your general character design for the career women because they get to be Big and Tall and Muscular and not just in a "she is slim but her arms are surprisingly muscular but not enough as to be unfeminine" (thanks PPZ for That Line) way.

I sometimes forget that's not the norm and then I see the designs for the Hulk vs the She-Hulk movie and my eye starts twitching

(obligatory "we are talking about tropes not actual people" disclaimer, no body shaming here)

Ahhh, thank you! Letting the female characters be strong and not Hollywood Strong TM is one of the most satisfying things about writing this universe, honestly! It really clicked for me when I specifically switched to reference photos of different athletes I think? because yeah, the media representation is not .... fantastic.

Like obviously there are Victors who are less jacked (like Misha who's more lean in general) but that's also true of the dudes, right! On one end you have Brutus, Lyme, Nero, Emory, who are big and muscled, on the other you have Claudius, Enobaria, Misha and Ronan who have muscles but are built lean. in the middle we have Petra (jacked but short) and Devon (6' but looks harmless in a sweater). I don't see why we need to limit ourselves to BIG DUDE and TINY GIRL every single gosh-darn time

Honestly the whole waif-fu thing exhausts me (also lmao thank you Darcy I forgot about that line). like, yes, fine, it is visually entertaining! tiny girl punch big man! incongruity is funny, I get it! But given the predominance that type of representation has lost its appeal for me.

but yes. also I am a gnc butch, married to someone who is gnc femme-ish, both with wildly different body types, neither of us anywhere near slim, it's actually important for me to break away from the 'female (or even feminine) = slender' rule that has such a chokehold on fictional characters

(now I just need to get jacked and realize my ultimate power fantasy of actually looking like Lyme, but that's another conversation, lol)

So with Rise of the Titans coming in less than a week now, I just wanted to make a clarifying post of sorts on my current mental state with it, since ToA is my primary active fandom at the moment and I have a decent number of followers who came for it. A sort of heads-up on what to expect from this blog when the film releases.

I have made it no secret that I was extremely crestfallen by the decision to reverse Jim’s transformation at the end of Wizards, for a multitude of reasons that I have discussed before. However, I have also always tried to allow for the caveat that I don’t know what will happen in the movie, that such a change might have been necessary for the events of said movie, and that seeing the movie might change my mind.

However, while it is possible that the movie might change my mind....it’s highly unlikely.

As I have mentioned before, one of the things that draws me to troll!Jim specifically as a character is the fact that I find his hybrid nature extremely intriguing. It is this intrigue more than any other aspect of the show that drew me into the fandom. 

That said, there are really only two scenarios the movie could potentially pull that would make me change my mind about reversing the transformation:

Bring Jim’s halftroll form back in some way, shape, or form.

Present a different scenario that I find even more intriguing.

Note that neither of these are speaking to the objective quality of the movie. I have no doubt that, whatever happens, it will be very well-done in terms of animation, emotion, storytelling, etc. And I do not say any of this to diss on the creative team who put it all together, as I have nothing but respect for their passion and skills. 

But as for my personal experience and interaction with the series up to this point...well....I’m sorry, but it’s been clouded. 

My anticipation for Wizards last summer was higher than that for any other show that I can remember looking forward to, ever. So much so that it took a physical toll on me because of how high my anxiety spiked leading up to, during, and a while after its release. And I got burned. After all that excitement, all that anticipation, all that hype, the one possible thing that I was most dreading and hoped wouldn’t happen...happened. And Boy Did It Hurted. 

After that ordeal, I’m in a...kinda weird place, emotionally, for RotT. There’s still residual anxiety left over from the emotional fiasco of Wizards, and with my favorite character now (sorta) gone...there’s not really much excitement tbh...only apprehension. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to really watch any of the trailers. 

I will definitely still watch the movie, but at this the current moment it feels a little more out of a mix of obligation and “let’s-get-this-over-with” just to see the canon ending. Which is a shame and believe me I wish I could get as excited as everyone else...but it is what it is.

As for my fanworks and how the movie will affect them...well, obviously I can’t say 100% for sure without having actually seen the movie. Currently my post-canon works take place in a universe where everything that’s happened in canon so far did occur, but sometime after the events of Wizards Jim chooses to go back to halftroll form, with Douxie making the potion for him and even slightly adjusting it so that he can still walk in daylight. Here’s the current possibilities as far as I can imagine:

I completely ignore the events of the movie and just continue with ^ that headcanon.

I accept all the events of the movie but still have Jim transform back afterwards. So basically the current version but with a little more in-between.

One of two scenarios mentioned earlier happens, and I will adjust accordingly. Unfortunately I think this is the least likely possibility as I am not very optimistic about either scenario occurring (but would be more than happy to eat my words) 

I accept all the events of the movie but only as an AU where Jim is still half-troll, be it that he never changed back in Wizards OR that he used Douxie’s potion as mentioned above.

I basically keep the current headcanon but pick and choose specific ideas or events from the movie to incorporate into it.

so...yeah, I guess. That’s where I am with RotT right now, and perhaps you now have somewhat of a better idea what to expect from this blog in the coming days/weeks. 

mostly I just want to retreat into the headcanons that make me happy in peace. If that makes me a bad fan or something, then...whatever I guess. imma just continue liking what i like because dangit that’s what i’m here for.

*another obligatory disclaimer that again this just applies to my personal subjective experience with the show and is not meant as any sort of objective critique or dismissal of its quality*

My Thoughts on Honerva’s Arc (S8 of Voltron: Legendary Defender)

SPOILER WARNING for Voltron: Legendary Defender, obviously. Also obligatory disclaimer: the following is solely my opinion and should be treated as such. I know there were several production problems that led to the show becoming what it is, but I am not informed on those issues and won’t be speculating on how they specifically influenced the show.

I’M GONNA SAY IT: Honerva’s arc could have been soooo interesting if the lead-in had been better instead of tacking it onto the end of the whole “beating the Galra Empire” mega-arc. Honestly, the end of season seven felt like the natural end of the series, and if they had changed a few things it could easily have been an open yet resolved ending. The main plot-line has been wrapped up because all the major Galra Empire villains from the show (apart from Honerva obviously) have been defeated, but there’s still a lot of work to do in order to completely free the universe. The show could have ended with the Paladins getting ready to re-launch and looking towards the future, which also opens up the possibility for spin-offs or even a sequel series. IMO, everything from season 8 (and the weird Altean Robeast attack at the very end of S7) would have been much better if it had been its own series. There could have been more focus on Honerva’s downfall, how she plotted to use the Altean colony just as her son did, all the details that felt rushed at the end. And they could have developed their sub-plots more, especially the Allurance (Allura x Lance) romance if that was the direction they wanted to take. Plus we could have seen a lot more of the side characters that never got a chance to shine! Shay, Romelle (my beloved), Axca and her place at the Garrison, the MFE pilots, etc etc. 

Anyways, back to my original point: Honerva’s arc had so much potential. Seeing her transform from this shadowy, almost faceless entity who only exists to support Zarkon to a spotlight antagonist in her own right is really interesting. Reclaiming her Altean heritage while simultaneously corrupting it? Being so desperate to regain everything she lost 10,000 years ago that she would do anything and everything to get it back? Seeing how her mindset has come full circle–a woman who loves her family more than anything–yet how it has changed and warped over the millennia? That’s some good shit right there. Honerva in the show might believe she has returned to her original state from 10,000 years ago, but if you compare them, you’ll notice how even though there are glimmers of the same person, they are exponentially different. It could have been such an interesting and nuanced take on her character and really expanded on the earlier themes of “good vs. evil” that we see early on in the show. 

Another interesting part of Honerva’s character is her interactions with the Alteans on Lotor’s colony. It’s clear that she only uses them as means to an end, since she uses them as a battery for her Robeasts and kills Luca as soon as she starts talking to Romelle (and I think she kills others as well). However, if this arc had been developed over a longer period of time (say a series?? or even a 26 episode season honestly), that relationship could have been much more complex. In S8E2, “Shadows,” the entire episode is devoted to flashbacks of Honerva’s life, ranging from Lotor’s childhood to the three years Voltron disappeared. In one of those flashbacks, Honerva appears at the Altean colony that Lotor created, announcing that she is his mother, that the Alteans are great and the Galra are horrible, and that Lotor and the fake sister colony have all been murdered by Voltron and now she must help them avenge their savior’s death. The Alteans agree and Honerva takes one of them, Merla, to Oriande. As the two overlook the magical palace thing that Lotor, Allura, and Honerva visited in order to gain their magic powers, the following exchange happens:

The second image is could allude to a couple things, but one of the possibilities is that it’s referring to her own mindset–how she will do anything to bring Lotor back. She understands how Merla feels because she feels the same way. However small, and however brief, there’s a connection between them. And not just to Honerva and Merla, but to Honerva and all the Alteans because they (presumably) have the same feelings as Merla. It would have been interesting to explore how Honerva views the colonists. Does she relate to them on some level because they share a deep love for her son? She exalts Lotor the same way the colonists do, even referring to him as a god during the last Kral Zera in the show (and possibly ever). Or does she resent them? Does she harbor hatred for them because they loved and adored him when she could not? Because they spent all that time with him before she even had the chance?

Not to mention the fact that the colonists are Altean, the same as she is. In fact, there was a massive missed opportunity to explore Honerva’s views of her own culture. A major part of her arc is regaining her identity as an Altean and pride in her culture. She de-camoflauges herself, though only in private at first, she learns Altean alchemy, all the good things. And yet ... she destroys everything. She proclaims that Alteans are the best of all the races, that the Galrans are lower than scum and that Galran blood poisoned her son. Yet she goes on to manipulate and use her own people, killing them without hesitation in order to further her own plans. She destroys Oriande–or at least the statues–a place greatly revered by Alteans that she searched for her entire life. If she reveres her heritage as much as she believes, how can she turn around and destroy it the way she does, with seemingly no remorse? Add to that the fact that Lotor’s (supposed) aim for most of his adult life was preserving Altean culture. Imagine if the show had gone through with resurrecting Lotor, as it was hinted at. Assuming Lotor came back sane/with his full faculties and wasn’t being controlled by Honerva at all (which would be a long shot I know but hear me out), how would he feel knowing what his mother did? Maybe he wouldn’t care about the “using Alteans as batteries thing” since he basically did the same thing, but how would he feel about her defiling Oriande, even if she only destroyed part of it? Would it wake him up to the horrors of his ways–this person whom he despises doing the same things that he did? Probably not. But it’s interesting to think about.

I actually had more to say but the train has left the station on this topic, so I’ll just end it there. TL;DR: Honerva had so much potential and she, like pretty much every character in season 8, was robbed of her chance to shine. To everyone who made it to the end, thank you and I hope you enjoyed!

obligatory disclaimer that this post is ENTIRELY based on my own perceptions of my own experiences, and may or may not be true to a broader degree. 

anyway, Weight Stuff under the cut. also LMFAO this post is long as SHIT lmfaoooo and it doesn’t even end with the topic i meant for it to be about. 

Sooooo, i’ve always very loudly been on Team Mind-Your-Business-About-Other-People’s-Bodies, and i still am, and i am ALWAYS down to (usually gently) call out someone who’s overstepping their boundaries as far as other people’s bodies and lifestyles go, blah blah, and i am KEEEENLY aware of the damage people cause with fatphobia, and that rhetoric surrounding ~diet and exercise~ is almost ALWAYS malicious in terms of hyperfocusing on “ugly fat” and shaming people into feeling horrible enough about theirselves that they pay out the ass for Quick Fixes, and there’s almost 0 focus on The Actual Health Benefits of a healthy lifestyle other than just Maybe Being Slimmer. 

But alsoooooooooooooooooooooo???

i’ve always felt like, because of all that shit, it’s so difficult for me to feel comfortable talking about my own body and my own habits and my own shortcomings and my own goals. like, i DO feel bothered by the weight I’ve gained recently. NOT because it makes me feel ugly - i don’t feel ugly at all. i literally almost always feel beautiful lmao. NOT because i’m worried about how other people see me - i don’t have relationships with people who would give someone a hard time about their weight in the first place, and beyond that, i’m generally unconcerned with what people think of my appearance. 

the thing that bothers me is that i KNOW my weight gain has been the result of unhealthy lifestyle choices. i’ve always eaten more junkfood than anyone i know, and i’ve always tended to eat VERY few healthy things. so like... that’s bad enough for my health. but i ALSO don’t get much physical activity. and then covid hits and my job is snatched out from under me and i spend most of every day in the same 100 square feet. so like... OF COURSE i gained weight. lots of people did! people gain weight all the time for lots of reasons and nobody should feel bad or guilty about it. 

but for me, even though i don’t see my weight gain as cause to lament about my appearance, i DO see it as an indicator that i’m not taking very good care of myself. i mean, if i’m thinner with a shitty diet, then my thinness kind of allows me to ignore my bad choices because there’s no ~visual~ reminder. i know that’s prolly fucked up, but that’s what’s happening in my head. when i’m thinner, i don’t have to acknowledge that there are going to be consequences for my choices. 

but to SEE my body change as a direct result of crappy diet and no exericse??? it’s really made me see how urgent it is that i start treating myself better RIGHT the fuck now. i mean, i am Young, but i won’t be young forever, and the longer i keep eating garbage and sitting around all day, the sooner i can expect to start having real health issues. and like, heart problems run in my family (as they do in MANY black families). i already have pcos, and that puts me at a higher risk for stuff like that. 

so, it’s been scary to have to face the reality that i’m setting myself up for disaster. 

and i figured that CLEARLY i’ve been unable to get myself on track For Free, so i finally caved and signed up for noom, and i’m down almost 10 pounds already.

and i get on the scale and weigh myself and i feel proud! i feel happy! i feel capable! i feel like i’ve proven to myself that i CAN make better choices. i’m NOT weak-willed. i’m NOT incapable of taking care of myself. 

But then I feel like i shouldn’t say that out loud, or i shouldn’t tell people how glad i am to see the natural result of my healthier choices. 

i’m not glad because i look different - i’m glad because my different look is a sign that i’m succeeding in taking control of my lifestyle. my different look is visual evidence that i’m eating more fruit and whole grains and drinking more water and i’m eating less sugary foods and less meats, and i’m eating healthier portions, and i’m not snacking all day. i can SEE the proof that i’m making choices that are going to give me a better chance at staying healthy throughout my life. 

i’m KINDA exaggerating in that i don’t actually think i LOOK different just yet lmao i feel like i look more or less the same. but i definitely do FEEL some subltle differences. i mean maybe it’s a placebo effect, but i think my forearms are slightly narrower and my bewbs are a bit less... cumbersome lmao. (i SWEAR like half of the weight i’ve gained has been in my boobs alone omfg). 

but idk, i guess what i’m trying to express is that i just... don’t feel comfortable sharing how glad i am about my progress bc most of my social circles are comprised of people who are rightly critical of the way people talk and think about weight loss. i knooooow that most reasonable folks, if i give the Full Explanation about how my gladness is due to the fact that i can see that my lifestyle is changing for the better, would understand and would be happy for me. 

but uhhhh lmao some people Aren’t Reasonable and are committed to having a negative reaction to any statement that seems to exalt thinness in any context at all whatsoever. 

and i KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that a person’s weight is not an automatic indicator of their health, and you can’t assume that a person has Become Healthier just because they’ve lost weight, and you can’t assume that a person has become unhealthier just because they’ve gained it. there are all kinds of reasons for people being whatever size they are, and we can’t make those kinds of judgments about people’s size bc obviously we don’t know their life! we don’t know if they eat veggies and go jogging! we don’t know if a thin person has a cinnabon for breakfast every day or if a fat person is a professional dancer. so like. it’s stoopit to assume anything at all about a person’s health/lifestyle just based on their size. 

BUUUUUUUUUUT!!!! an individual person can make those judgements about their own size and their own health. like, people know why they’re the size that they are, whether it’s genetics or lifestyle or health related. one person who’s super thin knows it’s because they have a fast metabolism. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they starve theirself. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they intentionally make choices that would result in their size. and the same goes for big people! they know if they eat too much junk food, or if they’re just genetically ~meant~ to be their size, blah blah blah. 

so when a person talks about their own weight and how it relates to their own health and their own lifestyle, i feel like it’s Inappropriate to lecture them about how ~it’s okay to be fat, you don’t need to lose weight~ blah blah. bc like... DUH, it’s okay to be fat. whether it’s because of lifestyle or genes, it’s still okay. it’s allowed. and people should be free to feel beautiful and see theirselves as UNCONDITIONALLY valuable and intrinsically worthy of the space they occupy in the universe. If a person actually disparages theirself because of their weight, then sure, you’re probably welcome to tell that person that their size, no matter the reason for it, has no bearing on their worth and that they have the right to feel good about who they are and how they look. 

but if someone says, “you know, it’s really time that i finally started eating right and exercising so i can be healthier and lose weight,” thennnn... i feel like the only appropriate response is to cheer them on and tell them to go for it! if someone knows that their weight is the result of unhealthy habits, and they express a desire to change that, there’s no need to try to tell them that they don’t need to try to change it omfg. 

like... literally everyone needs to eat well and exercise in order to give theirself their best chance at staying in good health. thin people need to eat well and exercise. fat people need to eat well and exercise. they only people who DON’T need to eat well and exercise would be people who are actually physically incapable of rigorous movement or people who are, idk, allergic to most ~healthy~ foods. 

So if someone who’s been eating junk and sitting around tells you that they want to start eating well and exercising... that’s a GOOD THING. 100% of the time. it’s ridiculous to respond to that with a lecture about ~all sizes are beautiful~ and ~you can do whatever you want, you don’t have to Fit The Mold~ like omfg THAT’S NOT THE POOOOOIIIINNNTTTT!!! 

basically, i feel like in the midst of rightly defending fat people’s right to exist as they are, some of the Discourse has inadvertently careened into the absurd territory of actually DISCOURAGING people from making HEALTHY lifestyle changes that would result in weight loss. 

as i’m typing this, it also occurs to me that there seems to be an assumption that anyone who intends to lose weight is planning to do it via extreme but temporary methods like restrictive diets and unsustainably vigorous exercise. 

i feel like some people need to acknowledge that there’s a difference between “i’m only going to eat one meal a day and exercise for 4 hours a day so i can lose 30 pounds before my wedding day,” and “i’m going to lose my excess weight by transitioning to a healthier lifestyle.” the former describes an unhealthy and unsustainable attempt to starve and overwork yourself to lose x amount of pounds that you’re inevitably gonna regain after you go back to your normal habits, and it’s exclusively focused on appearance. like, it CAN’T be about health, because those methods are unhealthy! you don’t get healthy by doing unhealthy things! 

the latter describes a legitimately healthy way of life that can and SHOULD be sustained for a person’s whole life if ptll ossible. there’s no need to try to force your body into a different shape in a short amount of time when you could instead just allow your size to adjust slowly to a permanent and positive lifestyle change. 

but it seems like there’s a knee-jerk reaction to condemn weight loss in any context altogether. 

i under staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand why people might have that attitude and i’m not mad about it. i GET why some people might be hypervigilant about condemning any belief that suggests that being fat is something that a person should be unhappy about, and i don’t want people to stop doing that. 

but i doooooooooooooooooo think that perhaps it’s time that people begin learning to trust other people’s analyses of their own bodies and their own choices and their own goals, and learn to tell when a person’s weight loss is motivated by genuine health reasons, or by social pressure/shame/embarrassment. not everyone who wants to lose weight hates their body. not everyone who wants to lose weight has low self esteem. people can feel fabulous and gorgeous in their current body, and still want to make choices to change it via improving their health.

and like! some people genuinely just don’t WANT to lose weight that they know they’ve gained from unhealthy habits. some people are totally fine with living their life the way they like to live it, and prioritizing their enjoyment of their lifestyle over efferts to prevent future health issues. and that’s their right! and nobody should say shit about it! mind ya business! 

i kinda compare it to like... cave divers, or daredevils, or mountaineers. those are all HELLA dangerous activities that kill or seriously injure a LOT of people. and the people who engage in those activities KNOW this. they KNOW that they’re at a significantly higher risk of premature death compared to people who DON’T do those things, and they know that they could increase the odds of living a log time by Not Doing Those Things. 

but they do it anyway! because they want to! because they think it’s fun! because the enjoyment of the activity is, for them, worth the risk of harm. they’re living a lifestyle that could kill them, but nobody says shit about it. nobody shames them for it. they just accept that people have the right to be cray cray if that’s what they want to do. people might think daredevils are stupid, but they’re not trying to bully them into quitting. 

so if somebody wants to eat a diet comprised of nothing but eating cinnabons 3 times a day every day their whole life, that’s their right! mind ya damn business! if somebody hates exercise enough that they’re okay with the possibility of health problems down the line, then fine! it would be fair to worry about that person and to wish that they’d make differen choices, in the same way that it would be fine for someone to worry about their dearedevil friend and wish that they weren’t a daredevil. but it’s still not grounds to be a dickhead to them. 

the h.i.v.e timeline

(this is going to end up massive, so sorry in advance to all my none h.i.v.e followers).

obligatory disclaimer that while i’m trying to follow canon fairly closely here, i know i might have missed some details; this is a writeup of a google doc i made immediately after my feb reread and while i have reread books 1 and 2 since then, i haven’t had the time to double check anything from dreadnought onwards. there are also canon elements that i am deliberately ignoring/reordering, and i will make it clear that i am doing so when those details come up.

part one: student ages

currently, we only have two canon ages: raven, who is thirty-one in deadlock (or thereabouts; i’m basing this off her being 16 when she tries to kill nero and that being in the 15 years ago flashback), and otto, who we know turns thirteen just before he is sent to h.i.v.e (the specific age comes from the blurb of book one). we also know that nero taught diabolus and duncan cavendish as students, and that h.i.v.e was founded in the 1960s, which seems vague but actually gives us a lot to work with; cavendish’s records being faked implies that h.i.v.e does provide public examination results for its students, and that h.i.v.e’s entry year was deliberately chosen to parallel the english private school system (which, unlike the state system, is split into pre-prep, prep, and senior), where entry to senior school coincidentally takes place at the same age of entry to h.i.v.e

when it comes to making age estimations for students during the various points of the series, i’m making three assumptions:

1. all students in otto’s year are thirteen when they start h.i.v.e, just like otto.

2. otto turns thirteen in august 2006, making him one of the youngest students in his year, assuming the h.i.v.e school year starts in early september like most british schools. most of the ‘age’ section of this hinges off otto, because he’s the only student who is given an age and is seen celebrating a birthday.

3. the six years spent at h.i.v.e span what would be year 9-13 + the first year of university in the british system. in the american system this is grades 8-12 + the first year of university. therefore, students graduate at the age of nineteen.

h.i.v.e:

every first year alpha is thirteen.

the overlord protocol:

this is still set in first year, but is months after the events of book one. otto is still thirteen, but we can assume that, at this point, some people have turned fourteen. my money would be on wing, shelby, and possibly franz as being the older kids in their year (and therefore fourteen), but the semantics don’t really matter.

escape velocity:

this is the first book with a sizeable time skip - we see otto trying to steal the end-of-year exam for second years. this means everyone is now at least fourteen, and because (in my personal experience) late july/august birthdays aren’t very common, i’d wager that shelby, wing, laura, and franz are all fifteen; i’m excluding nigel here because i think, based off his physical description, he’s probably one of the younger kids in his year, and otto is obviously still fourteen, nearly fifteen. this is supported by raven telling otto that she was almost exactly the same age as the core four when she went on her first mission; we know from deadlock that she was sixteen, which would only be a year (max) older than the alphas at this point in time.

dreadnought:

dreadnought is set at the start of third year; we know this because the 93-percenter is specifically a third year field trip. this means that everyone, including lucy, is fifteen.

rogue:

rogue is where our perfectly constructed timeline slips, because it seemingly ages otto backwards - it is set thirteen years after we see otto being cloned in the tank, which would make otto thirteen even though he ends dreadnought at fifteen. there are multiple potential explanations for this - i favour the idea that otto is registered as older than he is biologically because he’s a clone/genius and was left at the orphanage with no birth certificate - but either way, i’m still going to say that otto is fifteen and that everyone else is a third year and either fifteen or sixteen. side note: otto’s benjamin button trick here is one of my least favourite ‘slips’ of the series and ruins what is otherwise one of my favourite entries.

zero hour:

there is a year between rogue and zero hour, meaning zero hour is set in fourth year and that otto is sixteen (and again, everyone else is either sixteen or seventeen). in my original doc, i made a note saying that apparently everyone is still in third year, but based off a quick search for ‘three’ and ‘third’ in the ebook, there’s no proof for that. lucy dies when she’s sixteen/seventeen.

aftershock:

there’s another short timeskip here, and based off the fact that this is when penny and tom join and that it’s the introduction of new security chief dekker, we can guess that this is the beginning of fifth year (incidentally, the fact that nero and raven are available at the beginning of the book to go meet joseph wright in london does appear to suggest that nero wasn’t needed to teach that day, meaning that there is some form of summer holiday at h.i.v.e). i also think it’s likely that this is fifth year because penny and tom a) had time to gain relative notoriety for their thefts and b) would’ve needed to be at least sixteen to leave school and local authority care (although tom is apparently a year or two older than otto and penny according to book one) and it being fifth year sets everyone at seventeen. seventeen is actually pretty old for the alphas to be taken to the glasshouse (raven went at age eleven), but i think it does make sense that the hunt was targeted, and not the third years on the 93 percenter; tom and penny actually had time to go to lessons pre field trip, and lucy didn’t, meaning that the 93 percenter mostly likely happens in the first few days of the school year and was organised before dekker became a member of staff, which wouldn’t have given the disciples the necessary time to plan and execute a retrieval. also, laura was obviously in fifth year and not third, making the hunt a far more attractive choice for anastasia to target.

deadlock:

deadlock is similar to rogue in that it fluffs an important timeline detail, but it’s not relevant to ages here, so i’ll revisit it later. it’s set several months after aftershock, but seeing as no other students are recruited to pad out the three left in the alpha stream and that aftershock was only set in the first month or so of the school year, i think it’s safe to assume that everyone is still in fifth year at this point, so either seventeen or eighteen. my gut feeling is that shelby, franz, and wing are all eighteen, and that’s because they’re allowed on the mission to break into the glasshouse; obviously we see them get into danger/be involved in plans before this point, but this is the first time we see nero actively sign off on them being allowed into a tactical situation with a known risk to life (and i’ve made a shitpost on this, but raven does say that nero would “have her shot” if she brought thirteen year old otto into a tactical situation back in the overlord protocol, so i think the only way nero would’ve allowed this to happen was if the remaining alpha students were all legal adults). the exception to this is otto, who would still be seventeen, but seeing as he isn’t an enrolled h.i.v.e student at the time of the mission, i don’t think nero’s no-student policy applies to him.

book nine:

obviously none of us know what’s going to happen, but i think it’s safe to say book nine will probably be set in otto’s final year, when he’s eighteen.

part two: adult ages

really, i should just be transparent and call this what it is, which is just blatant nero age speculation. while it’s implied that nero is immortal in book one, this is also literally never mentioned again, and the only physical indicator we know is that he has a streak of grey in his hair. however, i do have a bunch of info that can give some clues at how old nero really is.

1. nero taught diabolus, and is implied to have been headmaster of h.i.v.e at this time. we’re not really sure how old diabolus is, either, but seeing as he has a teenaged son and was old enough to have had a considerable career and be made head of g.l.o.v.e, he can’t be any younger than his late thirties by the time he pops up in escape velocity, and i’m guessing he’s inching towards fifty purely because he isn’t described as being particularly young when we see him in hong kong with nero 15 years before the events of deadlock. (i am, however, aware that this means nothing, because walden sucks at describing people). that means nero’s been teaching some forty years, which lines up with him co-founding h.i.v.e with his father in the 60s, and seeing as h.i.v.e is nero’s great passion project, i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 25 when h.i.v.e opened in the original icelandic facility. basically, this tells us what we already know: nero is old as shit, and doesn’t look it.

2. the duncan cavendish thing interests me a lot more, because we see that nero actively switched cavendish from polfi to alpha. again, it was already implied that nero was headmaster from the beginning, but this shows that nero was always running the show and wasn’t just initially his father’s apprentice as deadlock almost seems to hint at.

3. nero has a doctorate. “well duh”. but again, if nero had that doctorate when he founded h.i.v.e, he has to be nearing seventy. he could’ve gotten it earlier, sure, because nero is a very intelligent man, but he’s not otto-levels of academic genius. i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 15/16 when he got his phd.

i did say that this would be an ‘adult ages’ section, so i’ll do a bit of background on raven, the only adult with timestamps. her being thirty one in deadlock makes her twenty seven in book one (if we follow the logic of otto being seventeen in deadlock), and because i personally believe the h.i.v.e timeline starts with book 1’s publication in 2006, this means raven was born around 1979 (which, if you subscribe to the theory that raven is elena and nero’s kid, makes her born after h.i.v.e was founded, which has some interesting implications about the origins of the glasshouse).

i know we’re all in mutual agreement about the soviet training being a bullshit throwaway line that walden wrote in before deciding to make raven a major player, but i’ll do the work of disproving it anyway: if raven was born in ‘79 and she came to the glasshouse at 11, that means she started her training in 1990. the soviet union officially fell in 1991, but the berlin wall fell in 1989, and the cold war was pretty much over by the time raven came to the glasshouse thanks to gorbachev’s new policies and military cuts. there is absolutely no way that the furans were soviet-funded, or that raven was trained by the soviet government. in fact, the only feasible way raven could’ve been trained by the soviet union in, quote from book 1 here, “their cold war prime”, would be for her to have been born almost a full 20 years earlier in the early 1960s, which would’ve made her middle aged in book 1. but, like, you tried walden.

part three: overlord

the overlord incident - the one that led to the destruction of the chinese facility and inadvertantly led to wing’s birth thanks to wu zhang and xiu mei shacking up together - is probably the most crucial part of the h.i.v.e timeline. without it, number one never would’ve been corrupted, otto wouldn’t have been born/manufactured, the seed code for h.i.v.emind wouldn’t have existed, cypher never would’ve launched his assault on h.i.v.e and nero (or felt the need to come into existence at all), and, of course, overlord himself wouldn’t have been the world’s most annoying LED lightshow for five books (because book one hardly counts). but even though raven had nothing to do with the original overlord incident, she’s still strongly linked to it. i’ll explain.

the overlord incident had to have happened before raven met nero. i can’t stress that enough, and this is the conflicting detail that i mentioned in deadlock. the nero’s internal monologue in the fifteen years before flashback appears to indicate that the overlord incident hasn’t happened yet - but that can’t be true, otherwise wing wouldn’t exist.

like i’ve laid out, wing is thirteen in late august 2006, and most likely eighteen (but at least seventeen) in 2010/11, aka deadlock. this gives him an approximate birth year of 1992/3, and all roads lead back to raven, who would’ve been fourteen when wing was born. already, that makes her too young to have met nero pre-overlord incident. but even more importantly, wu zhang and xiu mei only ended up together because of the overlord incident. like i said, if it weren’t for overlord, wing would not exist. we don’t know when wu zhang and xiu mei‘s friendship turned to romance, but if xiu mei got pregnant in 1992 (which fits with either of wing’s birth years - either he’s late ‘92 or early ‘93), i’d wager they got together in 1991 at the latest. raven would’ve been twelve.

i’m putting the overlord incident at a tentative year 1990, which would’ve allowed plenty of time for xiu mei and wu zhang to escape china together and fall in love before wing’s birth, and also gives overlord a handful of years to start corrupting number one to convince him into cloning himself to make otto (who was dropped off at the orphange in august ‘93). raven came to the glasshouse in 1990. there is absolutely no way she could’ve met nero while he was still making arrangements for overlord, unless wing was born after 1995 when raven tried to kill nero, in which case wing wouldn’t have been at h.i.v.e at the same time as shelby and laura (and nor would otto, come to think of it).

anyway, i’ll do a tl;dr with the final timeline below.

TL;DR (final timeline)

1960s: h.i.v.e is founded.

1979: raven is born.

1980s: both duncan cavendish and diabolus darkdoom presumably attend h.i.v.e during this period. the zero hour contingency plan is drawn up.

1990: overlord is created in a lab in northern china, and is destroyed by number one. it then takes up host in his body. there are three named survivors: nero, wu zhang, and xiu mei. raven is sent to the glasshouse.

1991: wu zhang and xiu mei move to japan and rename themselves as the fanchus. they fall in love around this point. this is also the year where raven tries to escape from the glasshouse and claws out pietor’s eye.

1992: overlord/number one starts work on cloning himself. xiu mei falls pregnant, and possibly gives birth.

1993: otto, shelby, wing, nigel, franz, laura and lucy are all born at varying points throughout the year. this is most likely also the year where dimitri is shot by anastasia furan, and raven is forced to murder tolya.

1994: presumably the year when h.i.v.e’s original location is compromised, and plans start being made to relocate from the icelandic facility.

1995: nero meets with the architect/his father to discuss his plans for the new h.i.v.e facility. raven tries to kill him. the first glasshouse burns.

1996-2005: construction on h.i.v.e 2.0 is completed. overlord slowly takes over more and more of number one’s body. survivors of the overlord incident start disappearing. xiu mei dies of unknown causes. nero receives his half of the amulet. lucy’s parents die of natural causes and she is sent to italy. gregori leonov’s son, yuri, attends h.i.v.e and graduates. cypher pops into existence around this time. diabolus darkdooms fakes his death.

2006: otto, wing, laura, shelby, franz, and nigel start attending h.i.v.e (cue the events of book one). duncan cavendish becomes prime minister.

2007: cypher launches his assult on nero after successfully convincing the contessa to join his cause. after cypher is captured and his identity is revealed, nero keeps him alive unbeknownst to number one. by august, everyone is fourteen.

2008: cue the events of escape velocity. number one and the contessa die. diabolus darkdoom is elected leader of g.l.o.v.e. cue the events of interception point. otto turns fifteen. lucy joins h.i.v.e at the beginning of september and the events of dreadnought take place. otto does not return to h.i.v.e.

2009: events of rogue. cypher and pietor furan die. otto turns sixteen at the end of august. laura’s baby brother, douglas, is conceived.

2010: douglas is born. the events of zero hour occur. lucy dies. overlord is destroyed. nero becomes leader of g.l.o.v.e and fires the ruling council. duncan cavendish steps down. construction of the new glasshouse is completed. otto turns seventeen. penny and tom join h.i.v.e. the events of aftershock occur, and otto is expelled.

2011: the events of deadlock occur. raven turns thirty one. tom dies. the new glasshouse is destroyed. the countdown for the disciples’ new batch of clones begins at 99 days. the artemis project discover the existence of h.i.v.e. at the end of year, otto is eighteen.

2012 onwards: otto turns nineteen and hopefully graduates h.i.v.e.

in an ideal fic, what ships would there be and how would they interact? gm ☀️☀️

goodmorning! well, it’s 3pm now, but i love the sunshine emojis 🌞

obligatory disclaimer that i have mixed feelings about fanfiction as a medium. i much prefer reading paradise lost to the bible, but pride & prejudice & zombies does nothing for me. i think it’s similar to how when staging a play that’s been done a million times before, changing the setting must reframe the text on a thematic level for that staging to be necessary, and thus, good. 

a lot of fanfiction, to me, whether published or lost to the archives of the internet, attempts to reframe the text without actually understanding the text. i realize that not all fanfiction exists to explore the text in the first place. sometimes it just works as good shorthand to explore one’s (often sexual) fantasies. you already know these characters––oh, and now they’re fucking. 

so in that regard, i can’t exactly fault these authors for not understanding the text. i can fault them for other things, certainly, but thematic relevance was clearly not a goal in the first place. it’s the difference between a ship existing in a work of fanfiction to further the themes, and a fanfiction written for the sole purpose of exploring a ship. 

with all that in mind, here’s a bullet-pointed list of fanfictions i would read should they exist and be well-written, but definitely do not exist and are not well-written because i have the appropriate amount of faith in the fanfic community (and that is... very little)...

a really long story from mai’s pov elapsing from her childhood to at least a year into zuko’s reign. the climax of the story is the turning point at the boiling rock wherein ty lee betrays azula. the first act is the buildup to all of that, and the second act is the fallout. the main ship being mai/ty lee, obviously. oh and at one point towards the end, mai and sokka play pai sho together. that is of the utmost importance. 

a story told almost like an epic poem (perhaps with the structure of one, but still in prose) about suki’s adventures throughout the show’s chronology and then spanning afterwards as well. we learn about her backstory, what she got up to in the months in between seeing sokka. it’s usually quite bleak, as she is mostly helping refugees before getting kidnapped by azula, tortured for information, and then thrown into a horrific maximum security prison! but it’s not all bad. and seeing as suki is the protagonist, it would never make for a bad read, either. the main ships are sokka/suki and suki/ty lee. because duh. 

azula, in the years spanning the depths of her recovery, going on hikes with toph. basically each segment is just the next hike with toph, in chronological order, and it tracks her development just through how much she is willing to divulge, and what toph would say in response. she grows a lot. unsurprisingly, toph makes for a great therapist. no romantic shipping of any sort, but azula & toph would share a really fascinating bond. 

sokka and iroh playing pai sho. sokka and asami playing pai sho. (AU?? or are they in the spirit world?? idk lol) i suppose korra/asami would be present because korra’s all “kick his ass babe” and sokka/zuko would be as well because wherever sokka and iroh are together, zuko must be too. and of course, he is very invested in the outcome of this game, even if he does fall asleep at one point. i guess you’d have to make up the rules of pai sho, at least vaguely, seeing as there are no official rules, but isn’t it a lovely idea? 

chell’s AU wherein azula and zuko run away together as children and join the gaang. just gonna link to it here. (read it if you know what’s good for you.) i don’t think there are really any ships, other than azula’s one-sided crush on suki, because azula does not have time to care about other people’s love lives (and it’s from her pov) but sokka/zuko is alluded to, if i remember correctly. 

my AU that simply exists as an excuse to have sokka be a lightningbender. here. 

a whole fucking novel of an AU wherein instead of being tasked to capture the avatar, zuko was simply left to die in the southern water tribe. he expects to either freeze to death or be eaten by wolves or, if he’s lucky, be killed instantly by the people there, but instead, sokka and katara take him in and he grows up in the swt, and goes with them when they find aang three years later. then of course shit goes down once azula shows up, and it’s all a whole thing! since it’s from zuko’s pov, the primary ship is sokka/zuko, obviously. 

epistolary between firelord zuko and chief katara of the southern water tribe. none of their letters are remotely diplomatic, and mainly serve as gossip with only the occasional reminder that they are, in fact, world leaders. no ships. 

sokka’s life postwar that kind of just details all the cool shit he did. shrug. 

idk whether this counts as atla or lok, but i would read a chronicle of kya/izumi dyke drama in a heartbeat and am not ashamed to admit that. 

ty lee and azula’s very complicated dynamic from alternating povs. i just think their respective feelings towards each other are super interesting. especially the night at the beach and the turning point at the boiling rock, though all the moments leading up to that are just as important. the ‘ship, though, would be mai/ty lee. (y’all know theyre my favs, right) 

the katara cinematic universe is its whole own post, so i’m not even gonna discuss that here. 

and then of course, our somehow very in-depth highschool AU (i don’t know how we got here, either) that could be its own series of young adult novels if written by someone with that kind of patience and focus (so to be clear, not me). hopefully, it would be imbursed with that painfully authentic sensibility american vandal (rip legend) had, while also being a bit too earnest, the way all coming of age stories are––but charmingly so. it might even be a series of vignettes, short stories from various povs that all come together in a painfully hilarious tapestry. azula begins studying for the SATs freshman year. mai sarcastically quips at anyone who deigns to speak to her. also she’s dating zuko, so that’s great comedy fodder of course. katara runs for student body president against azula. sokka and zuko land themselves in detention and they find a way to escape. toph joins the science club just because sokka runs the science club; things explode. stuff like that. 

i used to say i’d want a kyoshi backstory, but now we have one, and i simply have yet to read it. oops. 

oh and this is lok, but i’ve always wanted more on mako & lin’s dynamic. i just think they’re really cute together. (to be clear, not romantically. ew) 

i think the avatar universe is also just rife with fascinating lore, though, and you could pretty much write anything, set in any time period, that complies with canon and– hopefully– enhances it. for example, i would love to read a story that incorporates the physics of their universe into its thematic framework. i really liked the stuff with the lionturtles, for example. 

oh, and of course, a sokka/zuko vignette that’s just them going to see a production of king lear and then discussing it afterwards. that fanfiction exists for an audience of one, but you did ask me, so... 

Identity

My masterlist is at the end of my bio. Please check it out or message me if you have questions or would like to be tagged in anything!

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three) Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OC Rinda Parks Word Count: 1,281 Rating: M for Language Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh. Thank you @asherella-is-a-dork-3 for always being my sounding board! Thank you @cora-nova @silviasutton1989 @bobasheebaby​ @riseandshinelittleblossom​ for still being a part of the journey! Drabble Summary: Even though Rinda is happy in her relationship with Bastien and doesn’t miss wearing her wedding ring because of Jameson, she occasionally misses the protection that comes with wearing a wedding ring. There are still some things she wants to figure out for herself as an unmarried woman.

Identity

“Sweetheart, what happened today?” Rinda blushed, realizing she was flicking her bare ring finger. It was a habit she developed when she wore Jameson’s ring, a talisman to protect her from unwanted attention. Even while wearing it she sometimes felt exposed and that’s when she flicked . . . but now nothing was there to protect her. She gave a non-committal shrug. “It wasn’t that something happened. I think I was being too friendly.” She paused and shook her head. Rape Culture. That wasn’t what she meant, but Bastien knew it too and he patiently waited as she collected her thoughts. “I sometimes forget that I’m not wearing a wedding ring. It shouldn’t matter, but it does. When I’m being me and people know me, they know it’s my silliness and inappropriate sense of humor. At most, innocent flirtation. But when they don’t know me yet, and their eyes look for a ring and it isn’t there, I panic and think that I’m sending the wrong message. But when I think that happens, how do I blurt out that I need to clarify that I’m in a relationship—without sounding paranoid or arrogant, like I assume everyone wants me just because I made them laugh?” She sighed. “I still haven’t figured out how to be myself without the protection of a wedding ring.” It was true. Rinda was able to transition from being a widow to being a girlfriend. She was in a committed relationship with Bastien—it never crossed her mind to be with anyone else. But in her mind that made silly joking even more acceptable, because obviously it didn’t mean anything because she was so in love with him. Except there wasn’t a ring, a physical sign to others that her heart already belonged to someone. And being in a relationship with Bastien made Rinda . . . well, bloom. She didn’t realize it, but others did. She was more confident. Happier. Secure. Yes, that was partly because of her career and community in Cordonia. But there was something else. A sexuality. A sense of womanhood that re-emerged for Rinda now that she was loved again in that emotional and physical way. And people noticed it more than Rinda even realized. They had this conversation before, and sometimes Bastien teased Rinda that if she just wore lower-cut shirts she could tattoo “Bastien’s Val” and “Bastien’s Kenna” on her breasts. It was no secret that sometimes people’s eyes would linger there, appreciating how her professional clothing with the modest necklines still enhanced one of her best physical assets. But as long as Rinda didn’t mind, Bastien didn’t either. He couldn’t say that he blamed them. Bastien also joked he would just have to put a ring on it. And he would. But then Rinda rambled about how she needed to figure out how to be a girlfriend again. Not that she wasn’t a good girlfriend. She meant that she needed to figure out how to function without the authority of being a wife. It shouldn’t matter, but it did. Being a girlfriend didn’t have the weight of being a wife. It didn’t have the weight of the ring on her finger. Now that she took off Jameson’s ring, now that she wasn’t protected by that shroud of widowhood or a symbolic piece of jewelry, she felt vulnerable. And she didn’t like being called Bastien’s girlfriend, and she didn’t like calling Bastien her boyfriend. It felt too immature to her. Not after ten years of being a wife and then a horrific year-and-a-half of being a widow. Not with how deeply she loved Bastien and how deeply he loved her. She wasn’t Bastien’s girlfriend. She was his Tria. Everyone who knew them knew that she was his Tria—the name that only he could call her. And even though there were many at the palace who would never openly admit it to Bastien, everyone knew that he was Rinda’s Tiger. The pet name that only she could use—not just because it was her own special endearment for him. But how do you tell that to a complete stranger? “Is he your boyfriend?” “No, he’s my SchatziTiger. And I’m his Tria.” Bastien knew that he needed to give Tria time to figure that out. Officially she was still Mrs. Parks, and she was fine with that. Even with being “Mrs.” Instead of “Ms.” Being Jameson’s wife influenced who she was today, and she wasn’t going to change back to her maiden name. That wasn’t her anymore, and the children knew her as “Mrs.” Parks. When she was at the university she was “Dr.” Parks. She liked that identity. She missed that part of her life and was happy to have it back. When she first got married, Rinda gladly changed her name to Lorinda Rose Parks. Rinda Parks. Her personal preference was that she didn’t want to hyphenate her last name because she now identified part of herself as Jameson’s wife. She was happy to have the societal label of being Jameson’s wife instead of being Rinda Desrosiers, her father’s child. But professionally she went by Dr. Rinda Desrosiers-Parks. The hyphen was just to ensure other that professionals still recognized her, her work. She was still the same person, even if her last name legally changed. Then as the years went by, the hyphen was gradually dropped because it wasn’t necessary anymore. Everyone knew her professional identity. Knew her work. She continued to establish herself after her marriage, so she could relax into Dr. Parks. Even though Rinda was still comfortable being Rinda Parks, when she and Bastien married she was wanted to legally become Mrs. Lykel. No hyphen. She wouldn’t be Mrs. Parks anymore. However, she did tease Bastien that it would be especially important that people called her Rinda after they married. Rinda Lykel? Yes. Lorinda Lykel? Yuck. That sounded stupid. But she would hyphenate her professional name, at least for awhile. Dr. Rinda Parks-Lykel. She was already establishing herself as Dr. Parks, so she would hyphenate until everyone knew Dr. Parks and Dr. Lykel were the same woman. Well, they wouldn’t really be the same woman. Rinda changed so much since she met Bastien. But professionally, she was the same person. But that was getting too far ahead of herself. She had to first figure out how to have a conversation with someone without feeling guilty that she gave the wrong impression. Fuck. She still wasn’t saying it right. But Bastien helped her deflect as he led her to the bathroom mirror and teasingly told her to work on her RBF. Resting Bitch Face. She laughed and hugged him as he held up his phone, the Urban Dictionary app open to help him find the right phrase. God, she loved how he could make her laugh and make everything okay. And he playfully booped her nose and scolded her that a resting bitch face does not include luminous green eyes or a deep belly laugh. He loved her so much, and even though he wanted to fix everything for her, he knew she needed to figure this one out on her own. And she would. He just had to be patient, even though Bastien’s patience had limitations. For some reason his Tria wasn’t taking her silly Tiger’s advice about the RBF seriously. In fact, Rinda was quite sure RBF had another meaning. Rinda’s Bastien Forever? Routinely Being Fucked? He finally admitted defeat and gave up on helping Rinda with her Resting Bitch Face. He also happily resigned himself to being his Tria’s Really Big Fucking Bastien when her playful kisses turned into deeper, passionate kisses.

reflections on 2020 cause I’m not gonna let one god awful year destroy my time-honored tradition (as usual this is for my own record keeping, feel free to ignore)

so this year sucked! lol obviously. but here are my specific reasons beyond ~general pandemic awfulness~

-had to be apart from ingrid for the majority of the year when it was only supposed to be 3 months

-had to stay at my job that I hate when I was gonna try to get a new one (obligatory disclaimer that I know I’m lucky to have a job at all and shouldn’t whine) (also that being said working from home was very Nothing but it saved me from literally murdering my boss)

-my roommates had to leave the country so I lived alone for half the year which I hate and fosters all my worst habits 

-my apartment building was going through construction which was not only annoying and intrusive and possibly gave me bed bugs but also it blocked off my windows and a bunch of my plants died (rip giraffe and te fiti most of all... neither of their deaths were directly caused by the construction but those were my oldest surviving babies) (te fiti might’ve died in 2019. either way)

-I kinda became a shitty friend? like that’s a little bit of an exaggeration but in being sad and mopey (and then in finding projects to distract from sadness and moping) I really didn’t talk to my friends all that much

anyway 2020 was bad but some good things happened also:

-in january we met rainbow for the second time and she called ingrid and me “lesbian icons” (we were dressed like ebb and pizza girl from landline) and I told a room full of people that they’re wrong to not like agatha and we got rainbow to go visit shannen at work

-ingrid and I finished writing a full draft of our movie that we started in like 2018

-I went to london in march and got to meet ingrid’s family in person and see all her Places even if it was freeeezing cold and also we probably could’ve gotten covid (it was right before everything shut down and we didn’t know things yet)

-a few people who have kind of existed as like “people I kinda know on tumblr” I consider more like friends now

-even if it was for sucky reasons I’m happy that kayleigh and I talk more again now

-I got very into MUNA

-my birthday was very fun and nice, s&s came to the beach and we just had a relaxing nice time and watched avatar (oh hey I should put ~the avatar renaissance~ on here I guess)

-speaking of avatar, I have fallen deep into cartoons. watched owl house, kipo, am now on steven universe. SHE RA FINAL SEASON WAS SO PERFECT and I obsessed over every noelle interview for like 2 weeks afterwards

-I started doing yoga with adriene! I finally have a form of exercise that I enjoy and actually keep up with! and sarah does it too which is fun

-sarah and I went on our road trip and saw fall! as baby floridians this was very thrilling for us! there were mountains! (for context this was the week of the election/destiel stuff lmao so it was just all around an Experience)

-TWO taylor albums lmao she's a lot

-EDIT bc I cannot BELIEF I forgot to mention marbles! god bless u jelle and greg you saved my year truly

-saved the best for last: made a show! I hadn’t made a webseries since dear natalie 3 years ago and it was such a chill and good experience. and it gave me something positive to focus on, and something for ingrid and I to talk about that was happy, and a reason to reconnect w a bunch of those friends/actors. and also I love all our babies very much

-ok ACTUAL best for last: ingrid finally came home in december and now she’s just gonna be here! this nightmare is finally over for me huzzah (both long distance relationship and Living Alone)

anyway 2021 is already looking wild, just in the world, but I personally am ready to have a much better year! if you're reading this, peace on your house, I wish you happiness and the vaccine

The Thing that Happened TO Me (3 of 7)

Sturm und Drang The Thing that Happened TO Me (3 of 7)

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three) Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OFC Rinda Parks Word Count: 2,476 Rating: R for Language and Discussion of Rape ******TRIGGERS discussion and description of rape Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh. This series takes place in week three of the school year, and Bastien and Rinda are about to go through their first major friendship challenges. Summary: Bastien finds information about an incident in Rinda’s past and he tries to comfort her.

It was Friday evening and Henry was at a friend’s house for a sleepover. Bastien found the information Rinda was talking about, and he casually asked if it would be a good night for him to stop over. Rinda knew exactly what he meant, and she nodded. Rinda left a little earlier so she could get supper started, and Bastien came a half hour later. Rinda was already in her banana pajama bottoms and a T-shirt when Bastien got there. He smirked. “Pickles, you didn’t have to dress up for me!” Rinda laughed and gave him a playful poke. “Pickles? That’s awesomely silly. But yeah, getting into snug clothes at the end of a long day is sacred, Bastien. You aren’t going to ruin this for me.” They talked during dinner, Rinda getting a few more details about Ms. Trakas and how she was always cornering Bastien when he was trying to work. He did use the code word, and now the teachers were proactive about helping him when she was around. “Do you feel better about the situation, Bastien?” “Yes, but it’s hard to know what to do. I mean, I don’t want to be rude, but I have a job to do. And she’s actually not even divorced yet. That’s . . . complicated.” Rinda laughed and agreed. “I know they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, but I personally don’t think that’s always a good idea.” Rinda stopped, suddenly embarrassed that she made such a judgmental comment about Ms. Traskas’ choices. That was none of her business. “Wow, I’m obviously not the one to be giving advice about moving on. That was really bitchy of me and I’m so sorry.” Bastien nodded. He understood what Rinda meant. “Yes, I thought about that too. It would be awkward when . . .  if feelings change or she’d regret doing something so quickly. I’d still have to see her while I’m at the school.” After dinner Bastien started the dishes but Rinda tried to stop him. “Hey, you’re my guest. You don’t have to do that.” He grinned. “If I remember correctly, the rules are that the person who cooked doesn’t do the dishes.” Rinda laughed. “Okay, but since I cooked, I have the right to bend the rules a bit. I’d like to help.”

They worked quietly for awhile when Rinda asked. “Did you find it?” Bastien nodded. “Yes.” “There, um, were a couple different versions floating around. What did you see?” Bastien finished rinsing a dish and reached for a towel, slowly drying his hands. “I’d rather we sat down. Do you feel more comfortable at the table?” Rinda sighed. “Let’s sit on the couch.” They walked over and Bastien got out the file. “Just so you know, I have read all of this. I’m sorry, Rinda. I’m sure you must feel violated . . .” She smiled. “Yes, but not by you. Thank you for that, though. I appreciate that you said it. So, can you just tell me the highlights before I start reading? I trust you enough that I actually would prefer to hear it from you than get the shock of reading it.” Bastien looked at Rinda. “You were right. There are at least two versions of events that I found. I’m used to dealing with cover ups—even being part of them, I’m afraid to say—so I knew what to look for. Rinda, what happened?” Rinda gave a half smile. “That’s the problem, Bastien. I DON’T know. I was roofied. That’s why I was hoping you knew. One minute I’m telling this jerk that I want to call it a night, but against my better judgement I agree to finish my drink before I leave. The next thing I know I’m in the hospital. And there was a toxicology report and rape kit . . . at one point. And there were witnesses at the restaurant and . . . the ones who found me who were going to testify. But suddenly they remembered events differently. And from what I know a few students got amazing college scholarships, money was donated for a new building on campus, and there was a generous donation to the hospital to help the NICU. So that’s pretty great stuff. Silver lining, right?” Rinda leaned forward, locking eyes with Bastien. “What do you know? I’m serious. I was so out of it, and by the time I was able to process everything, everything was just gone. The only thing left was that I was a sloppy drunk who was helped out of the restaurant by that great guy, and . . . well . . . I must have fallen and been knocked unconscious on my way home. I was so lucky because it could have been so much worse.” “Rinda, once you know, you can’t un-know. Just think about that.” “Bastien, I’ve had years to think about that. But it did happen, and it feels like so many people know the truth . . . except me. It happened TO ME. And things were swept under the rug, so that was another way I was violated and had no control, once again. I deserve to know what happened to me. To my body. To . . . the justice system. Just because I told a spoiled rich boy ‘no’ and he didn’t like my answer. And then his family couldn’t buy my silence. So they bought off everyone who had any record of that night. Sometimes I swear I’m crazy Bastien. That it didn’t even happen and I made it up. But it’s in the file, right? So I’m not crazy?”

“Rinda, you’re not crazy.” Rinda grabbed the file and began reading. Bastien’s research was thorough. He even had access to the original toxicology report and rape kit. Copies of the original reports. Not the reports that were released to campus police. How the hell is he even able to find this stuff? “Bastien, so was it the hospital or campus police who hid this? How were you even able to find the original reports? I thought they would have been destroyed?” “I think both, Rinda. It would have happened at the administrative level. A university regent or chancellor speaks to the chief of campus police, and something goes missing. A hospital board member talks to the right person and medical records go missing or get altered. When people have money and power, really, anything is possible. As far as finding this stuff, people usually keep a copy for leverage.” Rinda nodded. That made sense. “Thank you. I figured it would be easy to bribe the waiter at the restaurant and the people who found me, but the medical records were the ones that really threw me.” Bastien spoke quietly and slowly, unsure if he should even ask. “Rinda, you remember waking up in the hospital. Do you remember . . . anything?” She shook her head. “No. I guess that’s a blessing, although there was enough evidence for me to piece things together. And I remember some of the things I was told before the cover up began.” She got up. “I’m getting a drink. Want anything?” “No. No thank you, Rinda.” He heard her voice from the other room. She was talking as she was pouring herself a drink. Then she sat at the table, away from Bastien. “Bastien? I know that . . . I know that I was found in a dumpster. I know that I was literally thrown away when he was done with me.” Rinda couldn’t make eye contact with Bastien. It was too humiliating. “I also know that I was in pretty rough shape. Even though the ‘official’ reports came back as negative, I had the after effects of being drugged. I had . . . I had the physical indicators that I was attacked and brutalized. And that the injuries went beyond . . . I guess you could say a ‘standard rape,’ whatever the fuck that even means.” She sighed. “But I also know that I’m lucky. I didn’t get HIV or any STIs. I didn’t get pregnant that night. I was able to heal enough that I was able to have Henry. And Jameson. He dealt with so much baggage, Bastien. But I know I didn’t truly heal until I was able to trust him and be with him. And all that crap made me appreciate him even more and love him even more, as lame as that sounds.” Frustrated with herself, Rinda pushed her glass across the table. It almost slid off the edge and it almost shattered on the floor. But it didn’t. “Rinda?” “Hmm.” “May I please sit at the table near you? I won’t sit right next to you or touch you. Is that okay?” Rinda nodded. She was still sitting, but now her feet were on the chair, her arms wrapped around her knees. Bastien grabbed a blanket off the couch. “Would you like a blanket?” She nodded again, not looking up. “Okay, Rinda. I’m going walk over with the blanket. And I’m going to stand behind you and place the blanket on your shoulders. I won’t touch you, okay? And I’ll keep talking so you know where I am.” He kept talking as he walked toward her. “Rinda, you did nothing wrong. You survived. You did everything right. And you’re safe. You’re in your home and you’re safe. Okay, I’m going to walk behind you now. You’re safe. I’m just setting the blanket on your shoulders. You’re safe. I’m moving away and you’re safe.” Rinda clutched the blanket, covering the top of her head and pulling it around her, trying to hide herself and protect herself. “Bastien?” “Yes, Rinda? I’m right here.” “Bastien, why do you put up with my shit? Why did Jameson put up with my shit? Why does anyone put up with my shit? I have way too much fucking baggage for anyone to want to put up with my shit.” “Because you’re amazing, Rinda. Because you’re worth it. I put up with your shit because you are fierce. When I saw you stand up to Kakos during training again and again, I knew Queen Riley picked the right person. I knew right away how amazing you are. When you prepared to meet with that parent, you knew what you were getting into and you prepared for it. You stood up to him. I put up with your shit because you can dish it out and you can take it. Hell, you’re surviving working with me. You put up with my shit. “Rinda, actually, it’s not even about putting up with your shit. Or putting up with you. You really are amazing. You’re so intelligent and you remain calm in so many situations. I still can’t believe that you figured out how to exit the school so quickly during that lockdown training drill. Or how you made those maps from your own research and figured out that whole library passageway thing. Or the look in your eyes when we did those practice self-defense moves. When you broke that man’s elbow. I saw it in your eyes, Rinda. You’re a survivor. You will do whatever it takes to protect yourself and the ones you care about. I see you with Henry. I see you with your neighbors. With the students and teachers. You are the perfect mixture of compassion, generosity, and strength. I was absolutely amazed by you that first week and I get even more amazed with every day we’re together.” Bastien shook his head, frustrated with himself. “God, that sounds so cheesy.” Rinda looked up, shocked by the sudden tone in his voice. But she looked back down again when he continued speaking. “You make people laugh, Rinda. You even get me to laugh. You drive me crazy when you make inappropriate jokes, but it works. It’s this confusing, frustrating thing. On one hand people are so relaxed around you. But you also keep them on their toes with your sarcasm and one-liners. You always have the last word, but it’s funny. There’s times when I’m by myself and I just start laughing because I think of some goofy thing you said during the day. And Rinda, when you walk into a room . . . I can’t even explain it without sounding ridiculous. But you really do light up the room. And it’s more than that. It’s when you leave . . . when you leave the room you leave something behind. People are happier. But you’re still gone and it’s not the same. It’s like the clouds covered the sun when you leave. And there’s a big emptiness that I feel when you’re not around.” Bastien started to reach across the table to Rinda, but he quickly stopped himself. “Rinda, you’re everything. Don’t ever, ever forget that. Do you hear me?” Rinda’s eyes were wide as she silently nodded. Then she retreated back into her blanket cocoon, not saying anything. But he sat next to her, comforting Rinda with his presence. So she told him. She told him her feelings about what it was like to be a woman. How being with Jameson made her feel so protected and she missed that. How afraid she was last week with the man. Even though he and Julian were there, that she was also worried about the repercussions of his anger and her career. And Bastien just let her talk as she tried to find words for her feelings. He was still learning how the Rinda Rambles worked. How to pick out what was important, how to clarify those connections that Rinda wasn’t able to, and to gently ask questions to learn what she wasn’t saying.

. . . . .

Bastien couldn’t sleep that night. He thought about everything Rinda had gone through. The night she was attacked, losing Jameson. It would make sense if she’d never open up to anyone else ever again. Especially if she knew what he did to Riley. But he had to tell her. . . . . . Bastien went to Rinda’s house the next day. She knew he had something important to say, but she didn’t know what. She only knew that Henry couldn’t be around, so Mr. Ariti promised to keep Henry busy with some chores that he needed help with. So Bastien came into her home and told her the truth about his role in Queen Riley’s public humiliation. How he purposely chose the naivest of Liam’s suitors to do the dirty work. How he made sure there wasn’t a lock on Riley’s door. How he helped escort her to the airport when the pictures went viral. He came into Rinda’s home and he destroyed her.