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imnotyourbrah · 1 year

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love is dead

So, fellas. I have no clue why am I here, like my teenage self, writing down the same shit, like me teenage self. But here I am, and so are you, so let me make sure we all end up on a very soulful journey and may my words shine brighter than the morning star (coming from someone who wanted to completely give up on writing)

And like the hopeless romantics we all are, today's story is about my experiments with online love, because I am too fragile for real love.

I will gladly skip the first two guys, because they really didn't change me or my view on love. The second one sure tried, but it was only after the third guy that I started to comprehend what the second guy was trying to tell me.

anyway, moving on...

you see that photo up there, it's one of those rare moments in a film where time stops and so does your heart. where you feel chills run down your back. this moment is cherished by one and all. and this moment can only exist in films and books, that is all.

coming back to my experiments with love. I never loved the third guy, or so I thought. It was only when he left, that I began to understand what love is, love isn't passion or hot steamy sex or holding hands or any physical stuff. love also isn't going on dates, buying loads of stuff for each other (writing this one for the materialistic bitches out there).

Then what is love? or what is louuuuuuuuuu...

Love or Luv or Louuu is tolerance. I want to write compromise and I want to write acceptance, but I have though about it and I might actually be fine with the word tolerance. If you can tolerate a person, tolerate their stupidity, ignorance, bad habits, good habits, affection, distance, etc, that is what love is to me.

Because why would I be awake and listening to a guy rant at 2 AM when I have office in 3 hours. I don't see me doing that for anyone. When I rant, I'm whiney, but when you rant, I let you let it all out. See classic example of one sided love. I am sort of a master of it.

This dude changed my whole outlook on love. Not only do I not believe in it now, I also feel repulsed by the thought that my past self believed in it. Or I let myself believe in it. I should've been smarter.

Anywayyyyy, back to the topic. A friend of mine, a really close friend of mine, experienced something strange when she was living with her cousin. She saw her cousin's flatmate have an affair with a woman with a husband and two kids, now the whole family would meet up, husband included and here she is losing her mind thinking about how do such people exist and why, when she narrated me the entire incident, all I could hear was death in her tone. Like someone killed her will to live, and at that moment, I knew this was messed up. From the husband's point of view and specially from the kids point of view. But that was the harsh reality of life, love is dead, families are dead, loyalty is dead, we are dead.

Today, a couple of hours ago, this colleague of mine rings my doorbell. We live in the same building, not that close friends, he says his grandmother just passed away and that he needs to leave for his hometown ASAP. I get sad for him, then I see a girl next to him. He tells that girl to give me the keys, says she's his friend. I say, "okay, take care".

As soon as I close the door. It strikes me, the apartment is pretty small for two. And didn't he have a girlfriend that he was supposed to marry? My heart starts sinking. Him TOO??? I really can't respect him or even look at him anymore, I have another guy I hate in my ocean of men I hate.

So I guess, every fucking body is either a coward and cheating, or shameless and openly in a casual relationship, because honestly, why should we tolerate anyone, we are perfect, why change for anyone, why love anyone, let's be assholes for the rest of our lives. pfffft

Or not.

I don't want to be any of that. In fact I don't want love now. I am happy alone. Don't want attention, or tolerance or anything, because I already know what's in store. It is all a shit load of gutter and defiance and selfishness.

I would rather have kids with a rich man than kids with someone who will love me or at least pretend to love me for like max 8 months. I hope that makes sense. but love is dead, and we can all move on and look for a sad lonely life, although there is a way to not be sad, but that topic is for another article I suppose.

#blog #love is dead

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aqvarius · 4 years

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[WALKTHROUGH + REVIEW] Masquerade Kiss: Yuzuru Shiba Season 2

Expectations:

I just want to start off by saying that the prologue is absolutely outrageous. There are probably so many targets that hang around the EAC headquarters, especially since HQ is presumably 3 miles within the UN Headquarters and let’s not pretend that there isn’t at least one target going to work there everyday. I actually spent 30 mins on google maps street view trying to find exactly where this location is supposed to be modelled after so I could find all the companies and buildings that have potential targets and then just gave up lol. BUT either way, I refuse to believe that a top international intelligence agency would just go WARNING WARNING and go into emergency lockdown because a target entered a 3 mile radius of HQ. Ridiculous. Also, the letter from the EAC even in the Yuzuru prologue also calls her Arisa Mifune which is her Kazuomi alias lol.

EDIT: I found the location of that background which implies that EAC HQ is modelled after 2 Hammarskjold Plaza or somewhere near (which is right next to the British Consulate btw, how did MC not see that on her way to the building. Also conveniently near something called Japan Society.). Note the octagonal-roofed thing on the bottom left, the general shape of the building, the covered part of the building lobby, the blue sign (afaik street signs in NYC are green) and the position and shape of the building down the road. And I know I’m taking this whole thing way too seriously, but Jeffrey Epstein had a mansion about 2 miles away from here so this whole 3 mile emergency alert thing is just ridiculous. Sure, Epstein probably never existed in the world of Masquerade Kiss but come on, it is highly unlikely that not a single target lives, works or passes by for a kebab within a 3 mile radius of the EAC HQ.

With that out of the way, let’s talk Yuzuru. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to even play Masquerade Kiss ever again. I like most things about the game but Love Choice is honestly just a turn off and the only LC game that I am genuinely drawn to is actually Destind. But then I had 287 unused hearts because I bought a bunch of hearts with the intent of playing Kyogoku’s route in Romance MD (and then I didn’t because I actually just don’t like that game) so I decided to give it a shot. I actually (surprisingly?) prefer Kazuomi to Yuzuru as a character, but I like Yuzuru’s MC more than Kazuomi’s MC and I was intrigued that Voltage would push this whole love quadrangle thing. We’ve seen hyper-jealous Yuzuru before in a substory so I think I went into this route more interested in the plot aspect and to see how they would develop the kind of strange relationship between Yuzuru and his MC. I genuinely enjoyed Yuzuru’s S1 MS a lot and wanted to see how he and his MC would grow as a couple. Also I wanted to play it in order to write a review to bring some traffic back to my semi-hiatus stagnant blog lol. Please give this a like/reblog please I’m begging you please :’(

Keep reading to the walkthrough and review. I’ve calculated a way for you to get to EE with all CGs (50 hearts saved), SHE with CGs (83 hearts saved), or a cheapest overall option to SHE (107 hearts saved).

Stop scrolling after the walkthrough and guide if you haven’t yet played and don’t want the route to be spoiled.

Walkthrough:

Story 1:

Yes, we should keep an eye on him.

No, it’s not necessary

Story 2:

“You came to be with me.” (Love Meter +1) (6 hearts)

I can’t say.

Story 3:

I sign without hesitating.

I hesitate for a moment.

Story 4:

Text Yuzuru.

Don’t text him.

Story 5:

I’ll sign it. (Love Meter +1, CG) (13 hearts)

I’m not going to sign a New York contract.

Story 6:

Casually intervene. (Love Meter +2) (11 hearts)

Pretend not to notice.

Story 7:

See him out without asking what’s wrong.

Ask what’s going on.

Story 8:

It’s payback time. (Love Meter +1, CG) (16 hearts)

Don’t do anything.

Story 9:

Start touching him. (Love Meter +2) (12 hearts)

I can’t interrupt.

Story 10:

Seduce the info out of him. (Love Meter +1) (8 hearts)

Try to force it out of him.

Story 11: (second chance)

Gently ask about it. (Love Meter +3) (18 hearts)

Now is not the time.

Story 12:

“I’m thinking about you.” (Love Meter +3) (13 hearts)

“Nothin’.”

Story 13:

“It was fun.”

“It was relaxing.”

Story 14:

Apologize and keep talking. (Love Meter +1) (7 hearts)

Ouch. I have nothing to say for myself…

Story 15:

Play dumb: “What are you talking about?”

Ask: “What if I am?”

Story 16:

Find out if he’s jealous. (Love Meter +2) (18 hearts)

Don’t ask any questions.

Story 17:

“I’ll stay ten more minutes.” (Love Meter +2) (14 hearts)

I have nothing to say.

Story 18:

Ask about his Texas accent.

Don’t ask about it now.

Story 19:

Call out to Yuzuru.

Let him go.

Story 20:

Put up a strong front: “I’m okay.”

Tell the truth: “I’m not okay.”

Story 21: (second chance)

Ask Yuzuru why he did it. (Love Meter +3, CG) (25 hearts)

Don’t ask any questions.

Story 22:

“Not as stubborn as you.”

“You already knew that.”

Story 23 (useless):

Trust Yuzuru and don’t go. (Love Meter +1) (13 hearts)

Right now, I have to go to Jeremy.

Story 24: (second chance but she saves him either way)

Rush over to protect Yuzuru. (Love Meter +3) (19 hearts)

I can’t get there quickly enough.

Guides:

I calculated the cheapest ways to get to Eden End and Super Happy End with CGs and without CGs. Just opt for the heart scenes that I’ve highlighted in each guide below.

Click the read more below for my review. Stop here if you haven’t yet read the route because there are spoilers galore.

Review:

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this route. As I read through, I thought the pacing was excellent and I was really drawn in by everything about it, especially the relationship between Yuzuru and his MC. It has definitely been a while since a LC route really captured my full attention. However, upon rereading my notes and writing this review, I do have quite a few issues with it, particularly the plot. I’ll go through the things I enjoyed about the route first and then discuss what I find to be its limitations.

So Yuzuru is great in this route. We get a far more expressive and soft Yuzuru. We get to see the most charming side of Yuzuru again, his childlike passion for engineering and innovation. This, in my opinion, is Yuzuru at his softest and most appealing, when he is genuinely passionate and not just doing the hyper-organised scheduling thing (although naturally most of this is hidden behind a heart scene). Sometimes it’s nice to remember that Yuzuru is human.

He’s definitely more playful with his MC in this route, even going as far as to blur the lines between work and personal life a little bit in a way that I found quite unexpected. There’s a lot of flirty banter between them, as well as just little suggestions of flirtations here and there in their body language – in front of people too! Scandalous. It almost reminds me a bit of Kazuomi and his MC, which is definitely a pleasant surprise. A lot of these scenes are hidden behind heart scenes, which I’ll get into later, but I will say that these cute and suggestive moments between the two are probably some of the best moments of the route, and part of the reason why it was so easy to keep reading.

I’ve mentioned this before but Yuzuru’s MC is my favourite version of the Masquerade Kiss MC. She’s great in this route too – cool, calm, great at her job. I also love that she likes Night at the Museum? Lmao me too girl. She has such trashy taste in movies and it’s a cute quirk that definitely makes her more relatable within the sensational premise of the game. Personality-wise, I think they did a good job at bridging the professional and personal aspects of her personality too, making her read like someone who has different personas that are different aspects of the same person. You definitely get a sense of the conflict within the MC when she has to extract information by using her sExUaLiTy when her boyfriend is watching on lol, even when they kind of make it out like a game. It is interesting and quite novel to see a Voltage MC successfully pull off a honey trap on a guy who kind of repulses her. We get snippets of it in other games such as Her Love in the Force but HLITF MC is always careful to keep boundaries so we never get to explore the full potential of the jealousy that can crop up in such situations. MK MC goes above and beyond to give us (and Yuzuru) a show. With that being said, I do feel like they kind of drew back from it a little by having Jeremy be super forward with his affection so the MC just has to respond, keep him on the hook and pull back every now and again, rather than actively needing to pursue someone to obtain information.

I also really enjoyed that moment when Yuzuru tells her to shower before going to his bed to wash off “Mia.” It solidifies that he’s really in love with her and not her charismatic, flirtatious hostess alias. Throughout the route, the blurring of the personal and the professional is definitely a theme that we see cropping up in the lives of both the MC and Yuzuru. It’s something that I find particularly interesting and I’m glad they picked this developmental direction since both Yuzuru and his MC are notoriously bad at mixing those two worlds, with both of them consistently and repeatedly picking work over love. We also get to see Yuruzu and his MC almost working together at times, which I adored. At times, they feel like a team. As always, they have tons of sexual and physical chemistry but they are slowly building up on the emotional chemistry and communication issues which is so crucial for character and relationship development.

The SHE and EE in particular has some incredibly cute moments. Yuzu’s MC describing them as part of a machine is *chefs kiss* incredible. Their sex scenes are intimate, loving and incredibly romantic. Yuzu preparing his NYC home for MC? Adorable. And, most importantly, him not only tolerating but welcoming his MC’s “bugs” in their relationship? That’s character growth babey.

With super long LC routes, I always get tired about 7 chapters in and give up and then have to come back and finish it later. However, this route sped along. The pacing of this route is pretty quick and snappy – in fact, I wouldn’t have minded if it was actually longer? Developments tend to happen pretty quickly, there are plenty of moments between Yuzuru and the MC that keep the story moving, and there’s basically very little, if any, ‘downtime’ in this route. Because they are constantly in the club or at Yuzuru’s place lol.

The writing/language quality is great. I felt genuinely tense every time Yuzuru and the MC almost got caught in the club and even more so when the MC went to Jeremy’s home. I couldn’t spot any significant typos or coding errors. The readability of this route is definitely top quality.

Moving onto my gripes with this route, I would say that they have to do mostly with flimsy plot, characters being reduced to plot devices, and lack of relationship conflict.

Firstly, something that I always find a bit off about the premise of EAC is how public their relationships sometimes are and how the MC’s private life even works. Yuzuru literally gets swarmed with people in the prologue asking for autographs and photos and yet later in the route can somehow go on a public date to busy tourist spots in central NYC with a spy? (That being said, I refuse to take that prologue as canon because of how sensationally ridiculous it is.) Let’s not pretend the EAC isn’t watching them lol (they even imply multiple times that this is the case). Is she not worried that Jeremy or Grace or any SHIBA or Space Crystal employees or any of the numerous powerful and dangerous people who frequent Freja will spot them together? There is no way she looks significantly different as Mia than as herself unless she’s wearing prosthetics or can turn off her star aura like Britney Spears can. Also, is the MC supposed to be mixed? No one has any questions about how a native Japanese woman can get away with being called Mia Knightley?

They also set up this tension of something happening to the MC without Yuzuru ever knowing which never really plays out. There’s a brief callback to it but it’s more about the MC finding an excuse to see Yuzu. I thought the drama would have more to do with the MC having to keep secrets from Yuzu and disappearing but that never happens and so the repeated mentions of this particular source of anxiety don’t really amount to anything. I also wish they made better use of the stun bracelet! I think it would have been cool if that was what took Jeremy out. Symbolically, it could have worked as a physical manifestation of Yuzu’s trust and support of his MC and her job helping to protect her against the Big Bad.

Okay so my main issue is about the villains and the flimsy plot. Jeremy and Grace were such wasted villains!! If this guy went crazy and murdered 3 people… how did he manage to not only reinvent himself but in fact become a very high profile tech executive with more or less the same name? Imagine if Elon Musk was actually a crazy murderer who used to be called Elon Avrevic… there’s no way that he would be able to bury this, especially if he came from nothing and had no connections during the time in his life when he committed these murders. If there are actual criminal reports about his crimes that can be accessed by the EAC and SHIBA, how did he not get taken in for life after murdering 3 people? Why is he even free in the world? It’s such a big plot hole to me… doesn’t have the same fingerprints? Did he get such extensive plastic surgery that he’s not recognisable and also burn off his fingerprints? Evidently not, since the MC can recognise both him and Grace from childhood photos!

I also didn’t think his motivations were really that convincing. We get a throwaway line about his alcoholic father killing his mother because she tried to leave him, but in general they set Jeremy up with so much potential as this psychopath who hunts a very specific type of woman but then they just kind of throw it away with him just going crazy and shooting people because he just wants “girls and money”. Nooo Jeremy they did you so dirty!!!

I just think they built him up as this incredibly dangerous and manipulative predator but then just made him a standard alcoholic incel. He could have been such a good villain. He could have maybe drawn the MC in with sob stories about his mother and actually made her doubt her instincts with his charisma and vulnerability, with it turning out that the whole time he was just luring her in, instead of just relentlessly hitting on her and then getting carelessly drunk and going crazy. He spends so much of the route attempting to play and get with the MC and then just throws it all away by getting pissed and letting her basically have free reign of his apartment? I just don’t buy that a co-founder of Space Crystal would get to the top without being more clever, suspicious and manipulative – especially since he murdered 3 women and still is somehow a free man, ‘disguised’ as a very successful CEO? Also, if he really just wanted girls and money, there were a thousand other ways of doing it. He could have been so clever and instead they just made him have occasional psychotic breaks with no discernible trigger. Disappointing.

(On a side note, they made his house look weirdly similar to Epstein’s manor. Or maybe all Upper East Side homes look like this, I have no idea. I did look around on Google Maps and I guess a lot of the homes in this area are kind of similar.)

Grace is also a wasted character. She kind of feels like a MacGuffin just to have this love quadrangle in order to play out the jealousy plot but ultimately plays no significant role. Actually, both Grace and Jeremy basically just act as jealousy plot devices, only the jealousy plot isn’t strong enough to actually threaten Yuzu and his MC’s relationship (except for one moment which to be honest doesn’t even play out like that because of jealousy and rather because Yuzu is trying to protect his girl).

Speaking of that moment, I thought that Yuzuru’s “push the MC away plan” could have been stronger. I feel like it’s not like him to do make such a basic attempt at fooling his MC. It might have worked in a different game but all of the MK guys usually know that they can’t trick their MC with cheap Harry and the Hendersons plots and they tend to not disrespect her enough to try. I know that as readers, we enjoy not knowing what the love interest is up to because it ups the tension and drama but I feel like there was a way of having that insecurity and conflict play out while keeping everything a mystery and making better use of the characters. Like maybe it could seem like Yuzuru is running into Grace’s arms after finding his MC in a compromising position with Jeremy when he’s actually doing his own covert investigations and making plans to foil their ultimate plans. Or maybe even working with Grace to take Jeremy’s wild country-bombing plans out. That way, we would prolong the jealousy/love quadrangle plot with the MC stressing about Yuzuru and Grace’s relationship, especially when she already doesn’t trust Grace. It would also make better use of Grace as a character and her position as both someone with a ginormous crush on Yuzuru and as Jeremy’s ‘partner’. If Grace also ended up betraying Jeremy to help Yuzuru and the MC, we could also have had some extra heartbreak about Grace having to betray the one person she has always had in her life (and maybe some extra backstory about Jeremy going nuts as part of having to protect himself and Grace from their parents and the world). #voltagehireme lol. I also find it highly unlikely that Jeremy managed to set up this whole missile-launching phone app business under Grace’s nose, especially when Yuzuru knew about it. Also, the idea of an American attempting to launch a missile to destroy the whole of Japan is a bit… on the nose lol.

The season isn’t really driven by relationship conflict even though they were pushing the whole jealousy line in the marketing. In the end, I don’t think the route is as much about jealousy as it is about trust – but then again, Yuzuru has always placed ultimate trust in his MC even in S1. I can see this being an issue for people who went into this route wanting genuine conflict in their relationship so that they can overcome and work through it to develop. There’s only a little bit of conflict towards the end when the MC goes to Jeremy’s home, and then that kind of gets discarded pretty quickly anyway. They just happen to be better at communication this season, and a lot of that is because of Yuzuru going out of his way to keep tabs on his MC. This is probably what makes the route so easy to read, because Yuzu is more open. However, because of this, while it is great that their communication as a couple improves, it may not necessarily feel that earned? With that said, credit to the writers for making Yuzu more open without making it feel jarring or like he’s had a sudden personality change.

And on another note entirely, I wish there was a bit more detail about the three “S”es and more involvement from Kazu and Kei, who basically just make gratuitous appearances in this route. Learning about them making Takoyaki together at Oxford is such a cute detail and also such an international student in the UK thing to do. Find me one Asian student studying abroad in the UK who hasn’t collectively cooked home food in halls with friends from their country (it’s always hotpot for me lol). I wish there were more moment with them actively involved in helping the MC.

Finally, I have my usual issues about the Love Choice system. If you play the route for free, you get very few cute scenes between Yuzu and his MC, miss out on some major character development moments (esp that planetarium scene) and you get a fade to black ending in the Normal End. Personally, I started playing Voltage in the early 2010s so I don’t mind fade to black endings, but I think the mature/sex scenes are what a lot of MK readers are here for, so it’s a shame that there isn’t even a kiss scene in the NE.

Overall, I would say that the chemistry between Yuzuru and his MC is what keeps this route going and flowing. I would recommend it if you just adore Yuzuru, want to maximise time with him and don’t really care much about plot. Otherwise, while their relationship is brought to new levels, it does not happen because of the plot as much as Yuzu’s response to events we don’t necessarily see, and it does not necessarily feel that earned because the plot doesn’t really put their relationship in that much jeopardy.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually really enjoyed reading this route – I found it super easy to keep reading, and Yuzu kept me hooked. I also love Yuzu more than ever. I think it’s a similar situation to Takane’s route, where the route made me love the love interest more, but has an average/flimsy plot. I imagine that his PoV will reveal more about those events that make him go out of his way to keep an eye on his MC, but as a standalone route, I wish there was more actual relationship conflict leading to more development.

#yuzuru shiba #masquerade kiss #mk #walkthrough #review #voltage #voltage inc #voltage otome #otome game #otome blog #otome romance #love 365 #love 365 find your story

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aliceslantern · 4 years

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Beyond this Existence: Atonement, chapter 4

Ansem always had a penchant for strays, so it's not at all surprising when he takes in the orphaned child Ienzo. The boy's presence changes everything, far more than Even is willing to admit. Ienzo's brilliance seems promising, but the arrival of a young Xehanort pushes the apprentices onto a dark, cruel, inhumane path which will affect the future of the World. And even once it's all over with--once Xehanort is dead--they still must pick up the pieces, forgive one another, find a way to atone for their atrocities, and struggle to accept the humanity which has been thrust upon them.

Or: Even's journey from BBS through post-KH3

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

He wakes slowly.

He’s in a bed, a bed not his own, in a strange, blank, barren room. He sits up.

“Ah, friend, you’re awake,” says the voice.

He turns towards the source of it. Xehanort is dressed in all black, but it’s different than the lab coats they’ve worn; it’s got beading, zippers instead of a catch.

He blinks, once. His mind is curiously clear. He reaches up to his jugular to take his pulse, noting first that there is one, then that it’s almost unnervingly slow and steady. “I suppose it worked?” he asks, his voice flat. "We've no hearts?"

“Quite--we are Nobodies." He tilts his head slightly. "We’ve been worried about you. You’re the last one to wake. I thought you may not have made it.”

He stares down at his hands; they look the same, and so does the long blonde hair on his shoulder, freed of its usual restraint. “I see.”

“How do you feel?”

“Very much alert,” he admits. Less physically tired than he can remember.

“Emotionally?”

It’s an odd word to hear out loud. He realizes he is numb, but not a human numbness; moreso an emptiness, but a very bearable one. A comfortable one. “My head is clear,” he says instead. It’s true; unfettered by emotion, he processes this all easily, without stress.

Xehanort smiles, but there’s nothing in it. “Excellent. Seems this experiment was a success. While you were resting, we’ve chosen a sign of brotherhood, new names to usher us into this new life. I’ve chosen one for you--should you want it.”

“And what is that?”

“Vexen,” he says slowly. “The Recusant’s Sigil is said to be good luck. I’ve added it to all our names--anagrammed them.”

“How creative of you.” There’s no sarcasm behind it; nothing at all. “Very well. I suppose that is who I’ll be.” He sits up, bringing his legs over the side of the bed. “Where is Ien--the little one?”

“He goes by Zexion now,” Xehanort says. “He was the first to wake, after myself, of course. The boy seems to have taken to this new life easier than I ever could have guessed. It suits him. He has no more fear, no more sensory overload. He’s purely himself.”

Hearing this, Vexen feels nothing for the boy; no concern. It’s liberating, he realizes. “That is good news indeed. Your name already contains an X. Though I don’t suppose only that will do.”

He shakes his head slowly. “They call me Xemnas.”

There’s much to do, and it’s all so much easier than it used to be.

They’re somewhere else now, a place still taking shape. What starts as a two-story building morphs into something far larger than Radiant Garden’s castle ever was. As soon as he craves a resource, it seems to appear, seemingly out of nowhere; soon he’s able to identify this morphing substance as the same that the lesser Nobodies were made of. They study their new bodies for weeks, months; they discover their immense capabilities for magic. Zexion, in a very short amount of time, becomes a rather skilled mage; necessary, as the Heartless target him mercilessly, despite Lexeaus’s best efforts to protect him. While he and Vexen continue to spend time together, for studies, they’re beginning to drift, but Vexen doesn’t care much. There’s nothing behind the boy’s eyes aside from a cold calculation.

They find that they have weapons, extensions of their wills, each personalized to its user; more exciting yet, they have their own magics, in alignment with their personalities, a sort of expression of the deepest essences of the self. Vexen’s newfound command over ice is infinitely useful in his experiments, though it is disappointing that it is just ice, not water.

It seems every time they come to a momentous discovery--of worlds, of hearts, of matter--Xemnas always dangles something out of reach. For this Organization, Kingdom Hearts will be the key to all knowledge. Vexen works towards this goal with pleasure. In the chaotic, entropic nothingness--something entirely different than darkness or light--his experiments thrive, and after years, the replicas begin to take shape, form. They incubate.

Six years have passed in a blink; for the first time Xemnas speaks on his desire to gather more members. He needs a Keyblade wielder, so he says, to reap hearts. So they all, in their own ways, go searching across the worlds. And they do find someone, a humanoid Nobody, a seventeen-year-old boy they call Demyx. But the disappointments come hard and fast with this one. Initially, Vexen is hopeful; the boy’s power over water seems to be something nearly prodigal. But he is not very academically bright. He’s lazy, he would rather fool around with his weapon, an instrument called a sitar. They all can barely tolerate him, though inexplicably, Xigbar strikes up a rapport with the boy. Very well. If someone of high rank can keep him in line, all the better.

Because they have ranked themselves. Of course, Xemnas is the leader; as the youngest, it’s only natural for Zexion to be the sixth of the six original apprentices; Saïx, Axel, and Demyx follow when the latter arrives; but internally there’s some squabbling over the rest of the numbers. Vexen is beyond disappointed with his own designation of only fourth, but no matter, he works alone the majority of the time anyway.

In quick succession, they’re joined by three more--Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene. Not one is a Keyblade wielder, and aside from the passing intrigue of studying the first humanoid Nobody that is a biological woman, they are nothing but a thorn in Vexen’s side. Xemnas’s frustration is obvious, and Vexen feels mostly the same.

All of a sudden Zexion is no longer a little boy, but a young man. He had, more or less, what seemed to be a normal puberty. He never expresses interest in sex or sexuality, unlike some of the other members; but then again, Zexion was never a people person, and while Vexen knows that the scientist in him should want to investigate this potential quirk of Nobody biology, the part of him that once raised Ienzo is repulsed at questioning the young man farther about these matters.

One of these days, when Zexion’s about fifteen, he arrives in Vexen’s lab. “Six,” he says. “It’s a pleasure to see you. Do you require assistance?”

Zexion smiles politely. “I hope to have a word, if that’s alright. I do hope I’m not interrupting anything.” It’s easy now for him to speak, to compose himself; as Xemnas said, purely himself. If anything, the boy is too talkative.

“I can spare a few moments.”

“Very well. Then I’ll be brief. I’m aware our tutoring sessions take up a good deal of our time, time both of us could use more efficiently. I feel I’m far enough in my education to pursue it on my own. Though I must thank you for your years of working with me.” He bows a little. The sight of this old custom unnerves Vexen.

He says it so quickly, so simply. For some reason, Vexen is surprised--though shouldn’t he have seen this coming?

(And is he crazy, or is he feeling hurt? No--mustn’t. Nobodies cannot feel, though the neophytes love to pretend, especially Demyx. The miscreant must be rubbing off on him more than he thought. He curses the fact that they are both part of the reconnaissance team.)

Vexen smiles. “It was my pleasure. You know you’re very intelligent. I have the utmost faith in you. My door is always open for you, Zexion, should you have questions.”

“Thank you, Vexen. Good day.”

The years pass--they cannot find their Keyblade wielder, no matter how hard they try. The others are frustrated too, especially the neophytes, as they’re sent on the most search missions. At least there is some progress--Heartless made, worlds brought under control of darkness, his replicas becoming more stable yet. Vexen hopes he may be able to get one to wield a Keyblade.

Zexion turns eighteen. Vexen’s initial prediction was right; the young man is relatively small, slight, and probably always will be. While his face still is a bit soft, he’ll lose the babyishness in time. As the first person to truly come of age as a Nobody, he allows Vexen to prod him, somewhat indulgently. “I suppose it is interesting, though it would be more interesting if I knew the difference,” he admits, in a moment of unusual candor.

Vexen looks up at him on the table. He gently pulls free the needle that was taking his blood, and heals the tiny wound. Magic has made his doctoring less barbaric, simpler. “Would you rather have been human?” he asks.

He thinks about it. “I’ve been a Nobody ten years--longer than I was ever a human.”

“Yet, not a direct answer to my question.”

He rolls down the sleeve of his cloak. “I don’t believe so,” he says. “What I remember from that time is mostly negative--the panic attacks, the constant inundation of stimuli interpreted as pain, the nightmares, the untreated PTSD. But now… now I am stable, and in control of myself. I do not feel I’ve missed anything--though the neophytes insist the opposite.” He rolls his eyes. “As if I would ever find any of those shenanigans of interest.”

Vexen nods. “As long as you are fulfilled.”

“I am.” He pauses, smiles a bit. “I’m not the one who told you this, but the superior might soon have a mission for us. One elsewhere.”

His interest is piqued; but at the same time, he feels another wave of frustration that number six is more privy to this information than he. “Elsewhere?”

Zexion shakes his head. “That’s all he said. Though who knows--he’s become more and more enigmatic over the years. It is… trying.”

Vexen chuckles. “Well, I doubt I’ll find anything different about these samples, but should there be anything of note, I’ll contact you.”

“Keep it for posterity,” he says, with a wave of his hand. “Who knows, I could be the first of many, to live this way.”

“Child, you have a strange sense of humor.”

---

Two things happen in quick succession--they find their Keyblade wielder, and Castle Oblivion is established as a second base. Roxas is an amnesiac, utterly zombified, more than just Nobody numbness. But considering the stories they’ve heard of Sora from Xemnas, that they were able to capture his Nobody is a feat in and of itself.

He’s forced to release his first successful replica to Xemnas. It really is a puppet--it will walk, talk, perform bodily functions--but it has no sense of self, not yet. He knows it’s too soon to let No. i into the field--it needs more extensive testing. Xemnas insists. They need insurance in case something were to happen to Roxas, mostly because Sora’s allies are searching for him. Not when they are so close to finally making progress on Kingdom Hearts. With it, knowledge and, perhaps for those interested, humanity again.

Vexen isn’t sure of his own opinion on the matter. To be a Nobody is a sort of freedom; he can research, experiment without guilt, without the need for social interaction. But as Nobodies they do not technically exist, literally speaking; doesn’t that in itself negate everything that’s been discovered?

So with what is almost anxiety, No. i is christened Xion, and welcomed into their ranks. But Vexen is not allowed to stay and observe it; he, and another replica, are needed in Castle Oblivion. He, Zexion, and Lexeaus are given dominion over the lower floors; Larxene, Axel, and Marluxia the upper. Most galling yet, Marluxia, number eleven for god’s sake, is made their tentative leader. While Marluxia has proven himself time and again in the field and at the table, why does this man deserve such a rank?

But Zexion and Lexeaus do not want to hear him complain about it. “Everyone’s work is important here,” Zexion says softly, huddled over his lexicon, poetically called “Book of Retribution”--Vexen does not pretend to understand that boy’s mind. “Yours especially. Focus on the task at hand.”

It’s a big task for the boy (the man, Vexen reminds himself, he’s nineteen); they would be using Zexion’s extensive illusions on Sora, as Naminé leaches his memories. They cannot afford a heart that special to remain out in the wide world; not when he actually has the power to put an end to them. Vexen knows Zexion’s powerful, knows of his stamina; but maintaining so many complex illusions for so long was a lot to ask of him. Castle Oblivion seems to like the boy's magic, to hold its shape. Even so. But they discover more is afoot; namely, that the neophytes have insane ideas to overthrow Xemnas, using Sora. Quickly, Zexion, Lexeaus, and Vexen devise a plan. While Sora has arrived, Riku soon follows, lured there by a carefully placed clue in the realm of darkness. They’d use Riku--or some semblance of him--to stop Marluxia from using the boy. It takes a bit of cleverness. They have to make Marluxia think they’re on his side, so the replica again changes hands.

But something goes wrong. The replica isn’t acting under their control, it’s developed its own will (what did they expect, forcing him into this so quickly). Marluxia, oh so casually, says that, unless Vexen can pacify the boy himself, he’ll report him and his failure, which can only go one way. Vexen's long had a feeling that he'd be eliminated once he outgrew his usefulness.

Very well.

So he fights the boy, and it’s much more difficult than he would have thought. The boy truly is something prodigal, something nearly godlike. He’s defeated, but is still alive. He already knows what’s coming, and something gives way. He tells the boy how to get his memories back, how to discover Roxas, giving him the key to a Twilight Town. When they meet again, the boy’s almost worked it out, what they are.

And then, to be crass, it hits the shit.

But he doesn’t expect Axel to be the one to execute him.

#beyond this existence: atonement #vexen #even (kingdom hearts)#zexion #xemnas #ienzo #beyond this existence #can you tell it's been a while since i played chain of memories #sorry in advance if i forgot something

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bdfanfic · 5 years

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Oak in Grey Hollow - 4

Oak in Grey Hollow - 4 - Customer Service

After reporting back to Hollow, the two ate a quick bite before MIra dressed for the evening. Hollow handed her a long blonde wig with a tiara, the center jewel being a soul gem. He then explained that when activated with a touch, the enchanted wig would appear to all eyes as her own hair. However, already she had begun to notice that all of Hollow’s enchantments carried a balancing aspect, and she asked him about this one.

“Ah! You learn quickly, as I expected! In this case, the enchantment joins the hair on the wig to your own head. It acts something like a magnet to the hairs within the tiara. The balance however, is that while your scalp becomes attractive to this hair, the rest of your body from the neck down repulses hair. I’ve become quite adept at hair magic, being a very common complaint of older male customers of the haired-races! This is just an adaptation of what I’ve learned.”

Mira looked at the wig dubiously. “So… when I activate it…”

Hollow nodded with an enthusiastic smile, “Yes indeed! All your body hair will instantly fall from you, leaving you as smooth-skinned as a babe! Why, I have had women who ask for only the side effect! But… you should probably put it on in the stream first.”

“I don’t know,” she said worriedly.

“Totally harmless, I assure you!” he said, handing her the dress she’d so admired before.

“And you’ll be such a beauty in this gown then!” he continued as she took the dress. It was a gorgeous dress, after all.

She accepted the gown and headed to the stream, out of sight of the enchanter who was busy in the tent, arranging his wares on the table for display within. She then set the dress down, stripped, and stepped into the stream before putting the wig on. She swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and pressed the gem on the tiara.

A strange feeling swept across her, and she felt the wig tighten - but not uncomfortably - on her head. Meanwhile the temperature of the air seemed to drop perceptibly. Fortunately it was still warm, but when she opened her eyes she saw something drifting away on the stream’s surface, a small, soft pile of hair. She looked down at herself and suddenly felt more naked than she’d ever been. She hurried out of the stream and donned the gown as quickly as possible!

Happily, the itching that she’d been warned about didn’t happen. Instead, she felt… beautiful. She’d never worn anything so magnificent in her life. It was like wearing the gentlest linen. She fairly skipped back to the camp, dying to see herself in a mirror.

“Oh!” Hollow said when she entered the tent. “My, but you do look nice! Now, when you want to activate the Glamour, just touch the soul gem on the belt. Though, I must say, you may not need it. I’m no judge of female human beauty of course.”

“Do you have a mirror? I’ve got to see myself!”

Hollow smiled and lifted a jewel-encrusted hand mirror from the table, handing it to her and adding, “Don’t touch the bottom jewel though. You don’t need the enchantment on this.”

She looked at herself. What she saw was just herself, in a wig, wearing a gown that she had no right to possess. To say she was disappointed was an understatement.

Hollow caught the look in her eyes. “Is something wrong Mira? Don’t you like it?”

“It’s not that. It’s just. Well, it’s just me. I was hoping… I don’t know.”

“You are no judge of human beauty either, it seems. But activate the Glamour.”

She did so. Immediately she felt a tingle wherever the dress touched her, like a mild itch. However, true to his word, it wasn’t too much to ignore. But that wasn’t all that had changed. The dress had squeezed her in places, and fell away in others. It felt as if her body itself had morphed underneath it’s folds. She looked into the mirror again.

“OH!” she exclaimed, shocked. “Oh my! Yes! Wow! Look at my… WOW! Hollow! I’m… beautiful! I’m really beautiful!”

Hollow sighed, taking the mirror from her hands. “Of course you are, MIra. I’m no charlatan! You are now officially enchanted. And enchanting… well, at least to those who are affected by such things. But we have no customers yet. You should only engage it when customers are around. No need for it otherwise.”

Mira looked at the mirror longingly. She half reached for it as Hollow set it on the table, but then pulled her hand back. She recalled how she had despised other girls when she was younger for their good looks, which as often as not came with a similarly ugly disposition. She pondered Hollow’s penchant for ‘balance’ and wondered if maybe a different kind of balance was at work in the wider world. Well, she would rather tolerate a bit of itch than to become one of those kinds of people!

Outside, they heard Anabelle snort, and Hollow became excited. “We have a customer Mira! Please, give them a nice greeting and send them in!”

Mira stepped out of the tent and saw a middle aged man coming towards the cart dubiously. She beckoned him to approach.

“Are you the Enchanter?” he said, wringing his hands nervously. As he came close, she noticed he was younger than he’d first appeared. But his skin was sun-parched, obviously spending long hours outdoors that had prematurely aged his appearance.

“Oh no - that’s Oak in Grey Hollow. He’s in the tent there. Please, come on in, and don’t be nervous. We’re here to help!”

“Well, thank you Miss. I’m not sure if he can help, but…” he stammered, but she shushed him.

“No, you’ll want to tell Hollow everything. Step this way!”

With that she ushered him within the tent, that now was lit with an unusual bluish glow that she saw emanating from a staff that Hollow had activated and planted into the ground.

“Ah, welcome good Sir!” said Hollow enthusiastically. “I am Oak in Grey Hollow, Traveling Enchanter, Alchemist and Advisor!”

“Oh, you’re an Argonian? I’m not sure if you can help me, but…”

“Well, have a seat here and tell me all about it. No charge if I can’t help, of course. But please, tell me your name and your problem.”

“Name’s Grath - Jon Grath. I’m just a farmer a bit down the way. Saw your horse go by into town earlier and then I heard about the posters.”

“Ah, a farmer! A noble yet sadly thankless career. Why, it’s men like you that allow for civilization to flourish, you know! I applaud your service, truly I do. Why, were I able to do so, I assure you I would offer my services Pro Bono - free that is - yet, this cruel world. You see how it is? But your type are the foundations upon which we all rely! Truly salt of the earth. Please, tell me what brings you out of your homestead to my humble tent?”

At first, Mira was concerned that Hollow was laying it on a little thick, but she just stood to the side, trying to look beautiful. Yet as he went on buttering up the guy, she saw he had struck some chord as the scowling farmer’s weathered face began to relax.

Mr. Grath looked at Mira sidelong and whispered to Hollow. “I’m afraid it’s a bit… personal. Do you think maybe…” he trailed off.

“Oh I’m sorry, but please, I need Mira’s help - especially in personal matters! She is, as you may have noticed, not only a human but a female of your species. That makes her invaluable to me in these situations you see. She has the intuition of her sex that I just cannot fathom - yet, of course, the discretion of a cleric. I assure you, nothing you tell us will leave this space. But, to make things easier for you, take a look at this…”

Hollow produced a large book, and flipped it to a page of hand-written notes. Mira peered over the farmer’s shoulder to see them as well, smiling when she saw the five entries.

“These, my good man, are typical ‘personal’ issues I have solutions pre-made for. Perhaps your situation matches one of these? If so, then you’re in luck! Since I don’t need to customize the enchantments or potions needed, I can offer you a solution at a greatly discounted rate!”

The farmer scanned the words on the page carefully. “I’m not much of a reader, Mr. Hollow… what does ‘performance’ mean here?”

Hollow turned to glance at the page.

“Performance Enhancement? Ah, that is for men who are unable to achieve - shall we say - mutually satisfactory lovemaking activities with your intimate partner. Is this, perhaps, your issue?”

The farmer glanced sidelong towards Mira, but nodded.

“Ah! No problem then! But this particular issue typically comes in one of a few slightly different varieties - yet no fear! I have a solution for all of them - at least so long as they derive from a physical issue and not… well… to be blunt, Farmer Grath, I cannot dabble in matters of the heart directly. Trust me, I have tried.”

“Oh, no. That’s okay - the wife and I, we’re still in love. I just… I don’t last long enough for her. We make do, of course, but.”

“Say no more Mr. Grath! Wait here a moment, I’ll be right back. Tonight you will be the stallion of your wife’s dreams, I assure you!” Hollow responded excitedly. “Oh it does make me happy to have such a perfect solution readily at hand! Mira, keep Mr. Grath entertained while I go get something!”

And with that Hollow was gone. Mira considered just what sort of ‘entertainment’ Hollow might expect her to do in this case! Dancing? Singing? But instead, she just sat in Hollow’s chair and took the man’s hands in her own.

“Please, don’t be embarrassed, Sir. In our line of work, we get the most peculiar complaints. Your’s is quite normal, really. Your wife doesn’t know you’re here, does she?”

“Oh no, Miss,” the farmer stammered, not able to make eye contact with her.

“You are a wonderful husband, Sir. You come to us for her sake, and that shows the depth of your love for her! You are a good man, Mr. Grath. I’m so glad Hollow is able to help someone so loving as to seek help from us. I hope she appreciates you!”

The sun-dried face turned up to face her now, smiling. “You think so?” he asked. “She’s been so wonderful. I just want to…”

“Make her as happy as she makes you?” Mira offered, smiling - and she could see her smile reflected in his face.

“Yes! Exactly!”

At that, Hollow returned, carrying something, and Mira returned to her station behind their customer. Hollow handed Mr. Grath a small band of cloth with the smallest soul gem she’d ever seen embroidered into it.

“Now, this is what I call the Band of Grey Solidity. I doubt I need to explain how to use it much. Just put it where it needs to go, and when you’re ready, touch the gem. From that point you will remain in your current state until it is deactivated… Once deactivated, things will proceed naturally. I expect this will solve your problem perfectly!”

“Er… Mr. Hollow. I don’t know much about Argonians but, it’s a little… little.”

“Oh, no! No problem. It’s stretchy, see?” Hollow explained, demonstrating an quite impressive range of expansion, and the farmer took the little device as if holding the most precious thing in the world.

“How much?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the band, but those eyes were sparkling with anticipation.

Hollow eyed Mira surreptitiously, his eyebrows waggling.

“Only 109,” he said.

Suddenly the farmer’s face turned dark. “109 gold? Are you kidding Mr. Hollow? For this little thing?”

Yet Mira noticed he didn’t set it back on the table.

“I’m so very sorry, sir. But, you see, I have such overhead. We sell little as we travel Tamriel, and costs seem to increase every day. Surely you have experienced the same. Why, the cost of flour alone seems to have doubled since last year. What do you farm, Mr. Grath? Wheat?” Hollow said, seemingly very sincere in his apology, and reaching to accept the device back. However, the farmer’s hand didn’t release it.

“Well now, Mr. Hollow. You’re right about that, heaven knows! Perhaps, though, a bit of discount?”

“I’m so very sorry Mr. Grath. I simply cannot,” Hollow said, practically tearing up. Then he leaned in close and whispered - yet not so low that Mira couldn’t hear every word.

“My girl here, she’s a bit expensive too. Has to have the best of everything, I’m afraid.”

The farmer glanced back to Mira, who was absentmindedly looking away at the moment, then back to the Argonian. “You… and her?” he whispered?

Hollow shrugged, smiling a somewhat mischievous Argonian smile.

The farmer laughed. “My! You must be a good Enchanter after all! Yes, I can understand your situation, Mr. Hollow. But about the Band… Any side effects? Any guarantee?”

“Sir, you have my personal word as guarantee! Plus, I did not set up shop here to leave the next day! Should it not perform as warranted, you may return it for a full refund. minus a small restocking fee of course. As for side effects, you are a wise man to ask. Yet this particular device is unique among most of my wares, for the positive benefit to your wife is offset perfectly with the delayed pleasure to yourself! It is naturally in balance and the soul gem that powers it is of the most minor of souls, yet should last a lifetime!”

The farmer stood up and drew out a money pouch, counting out the entire amount. While he did so, Mira took the device and wrapped it in a small box that Hollow produced, and handed it to him when the counting was done with a flourish.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Grath. And I’m sure you’ll be very happy with your purchase! But if not, just bring it back tomorrow.”

“Well, it was more than I wanted to spend, but if it does as promised…”

“She is worth it, don’t you think?” Mira asked, smiling back.

The farmer drew in a deep breath and smiled back. “Yes. Yes she is. Thank you Miss, and Mr. Hollow. I’ll let you know how things go.”

Hollow and Mira left the tent just behind the farmer and they watched him trudge over the hill and down the nearby road until he was out of sight, hand patting his pocket intermittently the whole time.

“Will it really work?” Mira asked as they watched the fading figure of a happy man.

“Well, it will do exactly what I said it will do. Whether that alone will suffice for Mrs. Grath, I can’t say. Maybe yes, maybe no. Time will tell. Women are weird. But here, take this. You did well, Mira.”

Hollow handed her 9 gold, and she looked at it glistening in her hand as the sun set. She looked up at the Argonian, eyes burning.

“Oh please,” he said, seeing her grateful response. “It’s just 9 gold. Not like I just gave you the riches of the east! And turn off that damn Glamour. It’s annoying.”

She touched the gem on her belt and the itching stopped.

It was a good hour until the next customers came. Only a few stopped in that first night, but as word of mouth got back to the village, more came the following day. However, the village was small, and by the fifth day it was clear their business was dwindling. Hollow declared they would be moving on the next day, as they closed up the tent and retired to their beds in the cart.

#argonian #fanfiction #prequel adventure #oak in grey hollow

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chocolate-failure · 7 years

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aight.. so I went on a trip to panama city beach. It’s a yearly thing for my friends group. I guess they can now be called that. I mean, I know their names now.. most of them. This is my second year back and I always enjoy it cuz I FUCKIN LOVE the beach. Like idgaf what else is going on as long as I can go to the beach everyday, I’ll tolerate just about anything for it.Unfortunately, one of the days there was a really bad storm and sharks spotted so I couldn’t go everyday but that was a really nice chill in bed all fuckin day long day which is my specialty. I was naked for much of that it which is my most comfortable state that, for obvious reasons, I cannot perpetually live in. I am at peace outside of my cotton/polyester blend prison. I am free.

So I went with Niq’s friends and Squishy. I gotta stop calling them that but I legit don’t fucking know them outside of getting drunk and partying. But yeah, Squishy was good. She’s rarely bad. Usually neither. But this go ‘round I enjoyed my time with her. I don’t know if I’m just growing more tolerant (which makes sense since I’ve been making a point to immerse myself in interacting with others) or that she’s changed somehow (which is also entirely possible). It’s probably somewhere between both possibilities where the last trip ended poorly and she was self conscious and I’ve gotten better and managing my mental energy. Probably closer to the latter than the former though I do think she was on good behavior. She’s very self conscious about how others see her. She’s like someone with borderline where she thinks everyone dislikes and tolerates her. I don’t do either. I don’t entirely care. Don’t misunderstand, I do care-- minimally.

I was weirdly clingy this time around. Like... REALLY clingy... Not all the time but when we were in bed, which isn’t like me at all. One morning she said I got cuddly in my sleep, I thought... who said I was asleep, but I smiled and cooed in fake af bemusement. I don’t sleep well. It’s a major problem since sleeping is my favorite thing to do. idk.. I just like her warmth and softness. Like she’’s sooooo fucking soft. I didn’t know non-puppy creatures were made that soft. Maybe I’m just not used to touching other people... or maybe feeling them. Yeah feeling them. But I felt her and she is so gatdamn fucking... squishy. She doesn’t like it. I could understand why. I wouldn’t want to be soft like she is but I enjoy her softness very much. Or maybe I enjoy her? fuuuuuck that, but I mean maybe I do though. Like I enjoy Diglett outside of his overall grossness. Or despite?... fuckin christ. I’m not used to being allowed to enjoy things without being picked at and discouraged from liking them.

I’m conflicted because I also don’t care. The whole thing is transient anyways like It’s been over a year since we last made out... I get weirded out and repulsed by the idea most of the time. And I don’t make out with Diglett at all... it’s just entirely unpleasant. But with Squishy this time I was just really gay? Like gayer than I’ve been in a while. I’m still cringing at the thought... it gives me a headache. But I slid my hand down the front of her shorts and she shook her head. We’re both weird about that kind of thing so I didn’t feel any type of way about it but the fact that I did it fucks me up cuz like I don’t even like touching people’s genitals and I really don’t like people touching mine. It just never occurred to me in the past that saying no was an option. Like I’m so used to yielding to other people to avoid confrontation that I’d let things go farther than I’d want them to to avoid, what?... Making the moment awkward? I also assumed that the discomfort with sex was natural something that kind of fades over time, and it kind of does. Like making yourself throw up, it becomes commonplace, a ritual, but there’s still this part of it that’s hurting you, that’s unnatural about it even though the act itself isn’t particularly mentally damaging. It’s the why, it’s the reasons you’re putting yourself through that bullshit that eats you up from the inside out. Idk I think I just don’t have a lot of respect for my well being, I’ve always been taught to put everything above my well being... doing well in school, doing well at sports, being attractive, being the best at everything, being a girl, being straight, being normal... I’ve been taught to fake my comfort over actually pursuing it which is fucked up because I very much enjoy comfort and not it’s facsimile, but maybe I don’t even know how to discern the two.

But like I’m making out with this squishy soft person who hates herself perhaps more than I hate myself and I go for her bits like some fuckin hornball. I do this thing that I don’t even want to do cuz I know that’s what’s normal. I’m still fucked up. I’m not as woke and introspective and self-accepting as I claim to be and it’s so fucking clear in how I casually choose to lowkey traumatize myself. Like I’m shook over just the thought of that shadow of a gesture, imagine how fucked up I’d be if she let me.. Christ, of course I’d just stash it away and ignore it. I like to think ignoring and never processing my trauma is my special talent. I’ve been doing it expertly since I was little. Y’know what... I really don’t like being conditioned to feel ashamed for liking shit. It’s not even about the nature of the interaction... I could have been dancing with her or showing her kpop shit (cuz I fucking love kpop) I don’t like sharing the things I enjoy with others because I enjoy so few things and I’m used those things being a source negative attention from the people around me, namely my family. I hate.

But I had this weird thought in my head that Squishy gaining weight would make her less sensually appealing to me. Like I’d never want to kiss her or grope her stupid squishy body because I’m fucking shallow. I mean, I still think I’m shallow but again... I also don’t care. God I was soooo gay aaaaaaaa6 u7rrrrrrryj ygufuuy6uhjgjyu6y... I have to compartmentalize my relationships and what I get from other people as far as interactions. A lot of people feel the need to become fully immersed in a relationship with a person, the thought of that makes me entirely uncomfortable not to mention no one person could possibly be a one-stop-shop for all erm... bodily/mental urges. Like I NEED to laugh, Diglett makes me laugh, so that’s what I use him for. I get these quiet cravings for sensual contact with another person like every 2 years or so and Squishy does it for me. Both are okay people to bounce ideas off of... I honestly think I could find a better person for it but that’d require investing in cultivating a relatively deep connection with someone and I don’t fuckin feel like doing that. Sometimes I need a break to scream about how fucking disgusting Diglett’s family is and while I vent to Squishy every blue moon I do it most with my parents. Idk sometimes there’s a thought that I need to get out of me so the reality can become easier to cope with... I suppose coming here also helps with that to a degree. So congrats on being a part of my intricate web of obligation and compartmentalization. lol... I’m tired.

#journal #squishy #Diglett Esquire #asexual #here go dat bullshit

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femslashrevolution · 7 years

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I Am Femslash by SETI-fan

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

I was very surprised and touched to find out I’d been suggested as a femslash writer by readers to contribute something for this celebration, especially since I came out so late in the game, relatively. So, I decided that might be a topic worth discussing in itself: the role of femslash in my long journey to discovering who I was.

I read and see so many stories about lgbt+ individuals coming out in their teens or early twenties and knowing early on they were “different”. My situation wasn’t nearly so straightforward. I didn’t figure out how I identified until I was nearly thirty, and even then it still took some self-analysis to piece out what I wanted. This process was made a lot more complex than it should have been thanks to one particular speed bump:

My physical sex drive didn’t kick in until I was about twenty-eight. Nothing is medically wrong with me as far as I can tell, I just always was a late-bloomer, physically, socially, and apparently in this respect too. Don’t get me wrong, I had crushes in high school, but they were of a very PG-13 variety. I thought kissing could be fun and longed to hold hands and have sweet dates like I saw in the movies and TV shows, but when it came to the idea of sex? Ugh. I actually remember crying as a pre-teen when my mom gave me The Talk and explained that’s what happened. I had never had anything bad happen, it’s just like some part of me already noped out of that from day one.

(In retrospect, I’m very grateful I didn’t end up with any of the guys I crushed on in high school. Younger me…didn’t have the best taste and liked the idea of rehabilitating a “bad” guy with a good heart. Yes. I was that cliché. Thank you, life, for saving me from myself.)

Anyway, so in high school I wasn’t ready and in undergrad I was so preoccupied with school, work, and family drama at home that relationships weren’t a priority I thought much about. By grad school, I finally started feeling ready to give dating a bit more priority, but the old road block was still there.

Sex still didn’t sound remotely appealing. In fact, in many ways, it sounded repulsive.

I started thinking that I just hadn’t found the right person. I figured if the emotional side was there, then the physical side probably follow. If I really loved the guy, maybe that made the rest happen more naturally, or at the very least maybe I could at the very least tolerate sex if I didn’t end up enjoying it particularly. After all, I definitely found some guys handsome and had great emotional connections and blushing feelings with some. Maybe that could develop into more. The few unsatisfying dates and unrequited crushes I had didn’t get me any closer to wanting to explore that option, though.

Now, as this internal debate had been going on, my mom came out as a lesbian and I started acknowledging that option as being out there. I knew I had aesthetic appreciation for both men and women, I knew I tended to pay more attention to female characters in fandom than male ones and didn’t tend to go crazy over the actors everybody else did, but without the physical desire to reinforce things, I couldn’t tell where the line was drawn between just interest and attraction. But I quietly opened my mind to the possibility maybe I was a little bit bi, or at least okay with the idea that whoever I fell in love with could be in any gender’s body. I started getting flirted with by girls at conventions, and was flattered and intrigued, but nowhere near ready to take that step and actually make a non-straight move.

So how does all of this tie in with femslash? Because it was ultimately fandom that led me to a better understanding of what I wanted.

While I had kind of jokingly enjoyed a few slash ships in the past, the first one I actually seriously shipped was Princess Bubblegum and Marceline on Adventure Time. It started the same way I had with past non-canon slash pairings, “man you can find interpretations of scenes to make any pairing work with a bit of creativity”, but then the show actually was going there and it worked for these characters and I was in. The fandom was gifted with talented writers and artists who took the little hints and allusions the show slipped past network regulations and built gorgeous backstories and complex relationships for these two.

Unlike many people in fandom, I avoided smutfic in general. (See again my feelings of revulsion about sex.) But when writers I knew and enjoyed included scenes like that in their Bubbline fics, I stopped skimming past them and decided to go with it because their storytelling overall was so good. And then I started reading purely smut stories by writers I liked. And a little voice in my mind started saying, “So that’s what everyone’s been talking about all this time.” Suddenly, instead of thinking “don’t want to do that, ugh, maybe could tolerate that”, I was thinking “I’d try that, that sounds cool, ooh I want to try that…”

I’d never wanted to try anything before.

Around twenty-eight years old, the physical side of attraction finally kicked in, likely helped along by the coaxing in these stories, and to my great surprise, it only kicked in for girls (and a range of nonbinary situations that are more case-by-case since I dig androgyny too, but I’m going to oversimplify a bit here before this becomes an even bigger essay since the focus is femslash). I’ve tried reading straight erotica and felt the same lack of appeal. I can still find guys handsome and imagine kissing or cuddling with them and enjoying emotional relationships, but when it comes to going any farther than that, I recoil.

But suddenly it was like I was given permission to let in the feelings that, when I think back over my younger life, were honestly there all along, just muted and unrecognized. Heteronormativity, yes, but made harder by the lack of a sex drive too. The signs were there, I just didn’t have the libido to reinforce what I was thinking and give it that full meaning. Femslash let me tentatively explore that world before I was ready to take the first steps toward actually asking out or accepting an invitation from a woman in real life. Baby steps into allowing myself to feel those things.

And then the new Ghostbusters and Holtzmann hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ve pretty much just leapt off the cliff at this point, cheering all the way down. (Huge appreciation and apology to my best friend who’s had to put up with me turning into a teenager at thirty-one and tolerated my fangirling patiently. I’m leveling out some, I promise.)

Femslash opened that door in a way no other erotic fics or content ever had before. It’s stories about female sexuality written by women, for women. It was a perspective I hadn’t encountered before (especially since I wasn’t going to talk with my mom about her own personal experiences that way and the only other gay people I knew were men). It included women my own age talking about coming out later and discovering yourself and negotiating female-female relationships. And there are so many writers using it as a way to expose young and/or inexperienced readers to important concepts on healthy relationships, like navigating when mental illnesses affect one or both partners. Or how to communicate through emotional times and express your needs without shutting down and distancing from each other. Or even just the safe ways to explore kinks and how to provide aftercare and discuss boundaries and consent. God, the inclusion in some of these stories of how communication and consent don’t take a thing away from the passion and sensuality of the moment is incredible and should be part of every young person’s education on how to be a good sexual partner. I know not every fic is written to be realistic and healthy, nor should they be, but it’s so nice to see people using the medium to provide healthy role models as well, not just pornographic fantasy.

So yeah, I’m still at the beginning of my journey into embracing this new development and find someone to have a real-world relationship with, but the door is open now and I’m finally comfortable exploring those interests and I feel like I’m not going into this world completely blind and naïve. And I finally want to pursue a relationship like that instead of vaguely dreading it and hoping things work out okay. I don’t have to settle. I know I can find happiness and experience a physical relationship to its fullest. Femslash did that for me. I’m sure it’s done that for a lot of other young women. Hopefully most didn’t have to wait as long as I did to find that peace with who they were and what they wanted in life.

About the author:

I’m a biology teacher, writer, and artist who first experienced fandom as a 12-year-old obsessed with Star Wars and joined the internet fandom at 15, back at the turn of the millennium. I’ve been writing fics (under this same screenname) ever since and think I’m finally starting to get decent at it.

http://seti-fan.tumblr.com http://archiveofourown.org/users/SETI_fan/ https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2430050/SETI-fan

#seti fan #I Am Femslash #Femslash February #Femslash February 2017 #Type: Meta #submission

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smelltheroses426 · 7 years

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So this is a thing that just happened. There’s this guy working as a photographer at my archaeology field school the past two weeks and we’ve been talking, it’s been nice. I just went through a really painful breakup recently, I think this guy is kinda cute, and it seemed like he was expressing interest so I got my hopes up a little. A few days ago we friended each other on facebook to share music, both our own and recommendations, then he asked if I wanted to hang out sometime so we planned to go see a movie tomorrow night.

Then tonight, this conversation happens (the screenshots are only portions of it). It starts out pretty light then he asks me what I’m wearing and like, I was uncomfortable with that but also kind of happy that he was being somewhat straightforward and because it’s really rare that people I didn’t meet on tinder/okcupid express interest in me. So I was straightforward right back and told him I’m interested but I’m asexual, and explained what that meant for me. And just like that his interest was gone, and with that last comment, so was respect. I’m really used to this happening on tinder when I have no emotional investment but like, this was disappointing. I was looking forward to something happening, with someone I actually liked and didn’t meet online and is not my ex, but I guess it’s too much to hope for a cishet guy to be interested in me for something other than sex.

Gonna get personal here because it’s 1am and I’m having emotions

I have a lot of insecurities, something that has been coming to light more and more since I had my heart broken by one of the few people I let myself be vulnerable with. One of the biggest ones is that no one actually likes me, people just tolerate me and pretend to like me but actually think I’m really annoying, selfish, desperate etc. I’m a really romantic person (panromantic) and I develop crushes very easily, but save one, maybe two, the only people that have ever expressed interest in me are people I talk to on dating sites who know pretty much nothing about me except what’s in my profile and what I look like. When I was a freshman just starting college and thinking I wanted sex, that kind of interest was fine. I slept with a lot of people, and most of it was kinda shitty, but I kept trying, waiting to finally feel something. When I figured out I’m asexual (thanks to my now ex pointing it out to me) and became slightly sex repulsed over the course of the next year due to various reasons, I stopped trying to make myself feel sexual things and became a lot happier. However, dating new people got a lot more difficult (I’m polyamorous). For the most part, it seems like no one’s interested in me when I’m not willing to sleep with them, so you can imagine how that picks at my insecurities. It’s like, the second I say I’m asexual, if they even know what it means, they either immediately lose interest or I become like a project to them, or an enigma. I’d go through and screenshot tinder messages from people asking me if I masturbate or trying to find a loophole, or telling me basically that they know my body better than I do, or calling me all sorts of insulting and objectifying terms, but that’s a project for another night. Not to say that everyone’s like this, but for the large majority of people that have expressed interest in me, that’s the case. It’s really demoralizing and honestly exhausting. Sometimes I wonder why I subject myself to this by continuing to be on tinder, then I remember I’m a hopeless romantic and I’ll never stop hoping that I’ll meet someone(s) amazing on it, so I deal with the bullshit.

This particular interaction hurt me for some reason. Maybe it’s because this is a person I met in the real world and not online, or maybe because I thought he would be different, but I feel like I should be immune to this kind of thing by now. My walls should be rock solid and yet I’m so quick to let them crumble. Usually when this kind of thing happens I can just end the conversation and never see/talk to a person again but this guy is on site with us tomorrow morning and all of next week, idk how I’m gonna handle this. I feel like I fucked up, like I shouldn’t have said anything and put myself out there when I barely know this guy and now I feel like he sees me as desperate. I also feel like maybe I’m being unreasonable and desperate for feeling like this just because I was rejected and maybe I am but that’s just how I feel. I need to get better at keeping my heart off my sleeve. Or maybe just stay away from cishet guys altogether. This may be the first time (irl), but it probably won’t be the last.

TLDR: cishet guys suck, I’m an insecure hopeless romantic ace and I’m having emotions

#night blogging #im having emotions #cishet guys suck #insecurities #rejection #asexuality #ace things #why are people like this #i just wanted to kiss someone thats not my ex #is that too much to ask

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shinra-makonoid · 4 years

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1. That's what I don't get. Sexuality is about sex characteristics (sure not just but just assume it's just about that). If lesbians and straight men only like female sex characteristics and a trans man removes all of them and gets reconstruction surgery (which of course is not the same but seeing as there are WW2 soldiers who got them as well as that's where the method of phalloplasty came from - I don't see the difference between those men and trans men except the chromosomes maybe.

2. (and maybe some things "only males" are socialized to do. But there is such a wide exception range and cultural differences that it's not that much of an impact. If a lesbian likes reconstructed genitalia of a man aka phalloplasty or even a metoidioplasty as that can even pass as a micro penis she's is not a lesbian and lying to herself. None of these "lesbians" who crush on my online would ever want to get with me in real life.

3. That's not a matter of them going "oh well he had vagina so even now that he doesn't have one I still like his very enlarged not at all phallic clitoris." *insert look from the office* . Bitch, please who are you trying to kidding. Seriously do you understand this behavior? I don't think this is a matter of them "tolerating" how far I am in transition. They're just trying to justify their attraction to me so they can still call themselves lesbians. Sorry for this rant but what do you think?

The difference is our sex characteristics aren't natural and those from cis people are. (sorry this small part didn't fit in the last message)

I discussed with a detrans woman who made me understood something, though I’m not sure I agree at all.

Basically what she thinks (and idk if that’s what Eltigrelibre or @a-real-lesbian-speaks thinks) is that monosexuals, so let’s take for example, a straight woman, can’t be really attracted to a FtM, in the sense that, she won’t be attracted to his genitals. That person considered that all attractions besides the genital attraction, was superficial. After all, you can see some gay men being attracted to butches before learning their sex, for example, but that doesn’t mean they’re attracted to females. Which makes sense.

That said it hurts a bit to hear that people will always be only superficially attracted to you because of your genitals bit, that will either remain hidden or get surgically changed. But life is a bitch right.

A few lesbians do date trans men though. The detrans woman said that it made sense because they knew they were biological female, and passing as male, didn’t change that fact. Those radfem who say they crush on you online, do it only because they know you’re a female. If they crossed path with you IRL and didn’t know you were trans, they wouldn’t, because they’d assume you’re male. Yes, I find that weird that the fact that knowing you’re female would suddenly sparks up an attraction to you, idk what to make of that yet, I don’t get it.

It’s also possible, knowing radfems, that they are indeed polilez and think that being attracted to trans men with phalloplasty aka females make them lesbians.

Anyway, what I think is that, they believe that the essence of being female (or rather, chromosomes? Genitals at birth? Something like that) is enough for them to be lesbians if they’re attracted to females.

It’s a fuzzy line. I don’t think I have an answer because I can understand a bit both parts and I have my own biases. It does make sense, in a way, to say you’re attracted to people based on their birth genitals.

I wondered myself if I wouldn’t be open to date a trans woman, as long as she didn’t get the vag, but I don’t think I would, because I’m very sensitive to body odors, softness of the skin, boobs, fat repartition... I’m repulsed by all of this if it’s female too. I still like a man to look and feel like a man, you know? No matter how much make-up and dresses or panties a feminine guy would wear, I’d still have a man underneath, and that’s what I like. So, surely no trans woman for me. Dating trans men would probably be easier, as long as they were post-op. Dating a trans woman pre-HRT would probably be hard, because she would most likely not to use her penis to do things, but I technically could (until I don’t, because HRT).

Maybe some people have another view of that, and don’t take secondary sex characteristics into account for it (especially females, it seems). A female can be bearded, muscled, feel, talk and smell like a man, but lesbians would still attracted on the basis that they’re females. I don’t know.

I don’t know any well adjusted passing trans women who happen to date gay men, or any adjusted passing trans men who happen to date lesbians, for my part. So I’m just suspicious. But I also suppose no well adjusted passing trans person want to hang out with people who wouldn’t otherwise be in their dating pool. So there’s this to take into account.

Our sex is merely perceived everyday, based on the group that we’re in. It should not be that surprising that people who hang out with different groups, have different views. Were I was hanging out with the lesbian community (straight men don’t have a community so to speak, otherwise I would have taken gay men/straight men), I would probably be seen as female, before being a man, and therefore, would attract people. Wereas if I was hanging out with straight women, I would be seen as a man, before being seen as a female, and therefore, attract people (”superficially”, would say the detrans woman).

I personally don’t get straight men being interested by me. I should try one day for lesbians, like, on Tinder for example, to see how much I could actually match with, now.

#anon #ask #long post #I apologize for the wait #I had to think #and get more ideas to understand #I think I got carried away a bit #but it's an interesting subject #It's so biased everywhere depending on the group where you are #also depends on what kind of trans person you are #it's very difficult

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