#not sure abt the last one but kinda?
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Hey sorry for talking about thing I like I’m very nervous but-
Ok so in episode 79 of riptide at the end of the episode where we see Gillions “trial” the elders of the undersea are like finally introduced and grizzly says while describing the water genassi one (celest) that she looks kind of familiar, and she’s described as having almost elven features and white hair. You know who else was described similarly?
CASPIAN
white hair, water genassi, SIMILAR FEATURES, ALMOST A TRIBAL LOOK (I don’t remember which episode he brought it up but while someone was talking to Caspian he said that he and his people were almost nomads and that he (like Gillian) had some sort of importance, which ALSO ties into what I’m saying, because his fuvking MOM could be a fucking ELDER aka RULER of the whole goddamn UNDERSEA???)
I’m literally only saying this even though it’s so not what I usually use my blog for because I haven’t seen ANYONE mention it even on YouTube comments
#I’m currently rewatching it for the third time and oh my god I’m so nervous for the last three episodes#uhh fandom tag time woo#jrwi riptide#jrwi spoilers#not sure abt the last one but kinda?#jrwi
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DISTRACTIONS
sometimes its the drive to help and save our friends that pushes us to learn and to succeed. unfortunately its normally ''unethical'' to replicate that in a classroom setting.
I ONLY JUST FINISHED THE LAST PAGE HERE, THE FIRST TWO WERE LITERALLY FROM LAST YEAR, N A FEW MONTHS APART. LOOOOK AT MY EVOLUTION. im very proud of this and bled REALLY HARD FOR THE LAST PAGE. PLEASE ABSORB THIS.
#gillion tidestrider#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#the last page honestly just took super long bc i dropped it for a long while. only recently wiped the dust off o it.#IM RLY PROUD OF ALOT O THINGS ABT THAT LAST PAGE#LIKE THE PERSPECTIVE N THE WIDE SHOTS OR WHATEVER#IT WASNT EASY BUT I MADE IT LOOK GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY WITH IT#I ALSO just really love drawing gillion as soooo small#just a little guy with the weight of the world bolted to his tiny tiny shoulders#n yknow what while im here ill talk abt the first two comics aswell. i like taking inspo from JTHM for this kinda stuff#more specifically SQUEE n the way his dad was just sooo honest and cruel to him. 'yeah its your fault my life sucks' n all that. i imagine#that gillion prolly dealt with alot o that too. i know weve already seen the elders#but i did initially imagine them to be very much like the Tallests from invader zim. they just hate this little guy. hes so small n lame#hes prolly had teachers like that im sure. i like thinkin about gills experience in school!!#i fell in love with him the moment he said that he wasnt good at being a student like girl ME TOOOO WAAAAAA#HE SUCKS In school and everyone is just sooo tired of him but they gotta put up with him bc hes the Chosen One#but GOD they wish they had someone more competent i bet. it was prolly a relief when they banished him#could u imagine being that? someone so insufferable that people sigh in relief when youre gone. poor poor gillion#ANYWAY THATS ALL MY THOUGHTS#TALK ABT UR THOUGHTS IN THE TAGS TOO DIPSHIIITT CMAAAHHNN
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Happy 5/14!!!!
Aaaaahh not sure if this is my best work 😭 I just really wanted to draw smth for vettonso day but my brain hasn't really been functioning well LOL so I kept dreading working on this, especially bcs its so important to me, y'know? I hope it's good????? I'm happy with the concept, but I was just so unsure on so many of the angles and it was killing me. I did the color thing bcs I thought it'd add something interesting to it :) since I didn't paint it as I usually would
Anyways! Process!
Now I will explain all of them:
Boy king au is where it all starts of course. I think their relationship is the most developed in this compared to the others, but at the same point, they just start from such a different point, especially affection-wise. All of these kinda have a power dynamic, except the last one, and this is the most imbalanced. Fernando is being subservient, the only part of Seb he may kiss(in public lol) is his hand.
Matador au next. They hurt themselves when they try to be affectionate, because they live in the culture of a sport of violence and death. The sword separates them, their love for the sport keeps them apart, in fear that they hurt each other. Seb, yet again, looks down upon Fernando. Seb haunts Fernando's whole career, the constant overhanging presence. Also aside from that, shame that you can't see his three musketeers look bcs of the black background 😔
2012 core!!! I think this one is pretty easy to understand. Both of them often kiss their trophies, more so than any driver. So they're both trying to claim the wdc trophy by kissing it. Maybe you guys should just get rid of the trophy altogether and claim each other! But yes, just like the sword in the matador au one, the trophy and their ambitions divides, keeps them from ever bridging the vast gap between them, at least at that point in time.
The conclusion! Aka what I wish we will get at Imola 2024- kidding kidding. But it is 2024. Finally there is no conflict between them, there's no big thing keeping them in conflict, they can finally come together. Finally they can touch, there is no gap to bridge, they can appreciate each other, and appreciate what they failed to in years past.
The thesis is basically that they always have their aspirations between them, and their aspirations happen to be basically the same thing. Until those are resolved, the gap between them is too vast for them to recognize and/or find any commonality. How do you get along with someone when you're both fighting for the same thing? How do you get along when it feels like one of you is winning more? How do you get along when there's such a vast gap?
In boy king au, it's going to take a while before they both feel settled about the issue of the throne. That's what makes that au interesting, they're trapped in this state of non-closure and they have to actually solve their issues without the matter of one of them simply removing themselves from the equation. They have to find a way to get over themselves and their aspirations, because like it or not they're stuck with each other. I think with the hand kissing, it represents how Fernando, at that point, is only willing to play along with the game if it's tradition, and he often won't budge in other ways. Yes, I will show subservience, but only in this detached, formal way that I don't connect personally to. He's still holding his own bitterness over meaningfully appreciating Seb. Though it's not like Seb isn't at fault. It takes a while for him to not hold things over Fernando, and constantly humiliate him. One day they will meaningfully show affection, and it won't be some sort of power play.
I think matador au is pretty similar to real life, and the 2010s era(it's basically just their actual plot line but in the context of bullfighting.) They're forever going to have this big elephant in the room, and it only really gets resolved when one of them leaves the sport. Once they're not fighting directly against each other, they realize what they've been missing out on and what they were not appreciating for so many years beforehand. They finally come together because they can't just rely anymore on the sport keeping them together. They actually have to make that step to be in each other's lives, rather than just taking their presence for granted.
Also the text on the comic. "We keep missing, and missing, and missing, and finally kissing." It's basically: we keep missing the point of it all, we keep failing to appreciate each other presence in our lives and in our own individual grand stories. But when we're not forced together anymore, we have to make the choice to come together again ourselves. We keep missing what we actually need to do. Missing each other in favor of our aspirations. Etc etc. One day we will finally embrace and there will be nothing keeping us apart.
#hahaha im more proud of what i wrote under the cut so make sure to read that!#im happy w the concept but the art hurt my brain so its not my best work i dont think#i also never draw kissing#so please take my token of actual shippy affection for once#VETTONSO DAY!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHH#man im glad i realized that last wk bcs i think i wouldve never recovered if i didnt draw smth for it#tho thsts why i think i kinda dont like this drawing 😭#the process was rly stressful to me bcs im like I HAVE TO FINISH THIS#its my national holiday and i must pay my dues 🤧🤧#but im happy abt the plotline of this all :)#sigh. when will vettonso truly stop missing and actually start kissing#i rly hope 005's art and mine works as some sort of sacrifice so we get pics of them together from imola#like PLEASE guys if theres literally one thing you could do for me. it would make my year. genuinely#i just need that shock again of japan 23. just the completely unexpected pictures#cmon lets have a meetup of aston failboys as they look upon the amr24 and commiserate#^ see exactly the point of this art. they have this bridging them together.#conflict that keeps them together and that they can relate to rather than dividing them#conflict is not man vs man anymore. it's man vs car 😔#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#catie.art.#catie.rambling.txt
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wah i looove their designs and animation...
#sketched last night looped ''hot air balloon'' track last night rewatched elemental last night you know just how it is....i love it all augh#elemental#elemental 2023#pixar elemental#elemental fanart#ember lumen#wade ripple#it's so fun how just going w/the flow waviness drawing a wade is Correct. some flamey shiveriness / jaggedness in ember's lines is Correct#and it's all the more fun how it's like oh ofc not quite hitting the mark of how great their designs really are....so so good#and of course the expressive elasticity not only with their faces but the way their bodies ft. respective elements can be expressive#in addition to just usual [assume you have a usual literal human body] expressiveness options in posture / movement etc lol#also was thinking about how like we know everything we Need to know re: wade & his dad but also have so [zero details there]#which is interesting to wonder about. kinda assumed like oh a parent got sick & died but now considering how it could've been an accident..#the tiny layer of A Reaction he has when ember's talking abt parents giving up everything for you: could be nothing much; or Anything#also noting i Didn't note the first instances that they hear each other's names or introduce themselves thusly lol#or at least i sure can't recall it. just start knowing the other's name partway through which Isn't A Problem but it's like#ooh just more to consider & reexamine. i love to pick up More Details & that's helped by my difficulty in catching them in the first place#one thing about me i don't Catch things i don't Notice shit i don't Get stuff. and also of course: i do though lol#always a trip when it's like oh i love this movie i'm seeing it probably the two dozenth time#and then i notice something for the very first time that was clearly straightup meant to be Gotten upon the immediate viewing#even to the extent that smthing later seems to be kinda happening out of nowhere if you didn't. & i'd just rolled with it#like ok i'm autistic ofc that's something i gotta do all the time. & the adhd means i might keep getting distracted around the same pts.
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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kinda crazy but…
im gay for you
:o no way i’m also gay for u <3
#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot#i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama#because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions#and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time#one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly#and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh#but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher#anyway#i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!!#but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there#so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice#and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs#for robotics if we qualify#which my hopes are vaguely high this year#but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do ://///#and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute#it’s really bad#anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown#idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was
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#have been attempting to make a self-tape for this audition for DAYS#after a whole helluva lotta bullshit having to do with hunting down a time+space+camera to film with i Finally managed to get some takes#then some weird bullshit with the camera's sd card happened where i wasnt able to pull the files off onto my laptop#FINALLY able to copy the files to my laptop. FINALLY able to access playback (the video camera i borrowed wouldnt let me access its gallery#FINALLY watching them... they all kinda suck so far but thats Fine at least i Have Them yk#get to take 7 and its actually not nearly as terrible as the previous 6!! feelin pretty good abt this one!! dont get hopes too high ofc but#i mean hey this ones acceptable if the last few arent any good either & just in case i cant go thru with my plans for tmrw to do a reshoot#so yk i start to rename the file so i can tell which clip it is!#Whole Laptop Crashes#WAHOO#typed this up to avoid freakin out while carefully rebooting her. bbg dont do this to me#luckily i already saved multiple contingency copies just in case (bc ive already had so many issues i was feelin Extra Cautious)#so i at least dont have to worry about dealing with the sd card bullshit Again. ugh#EDITING TO SAY: SHE LIVES!! laptop is fine after powering back up & files are unscathed!! was able to retitle & keep on truckin no problem#god i hate dealing with video as a medium#*this* is why im a stage performer not a screen actor lmao#fuck this shit. juust gimme a floor and an audience and ill make it worrk#cameras are fickle creatures on-par with printer machines#im rly excitednervous abt this audition tho; only submitted my resume+headshot on a whim & didnt rly think anything would come of it#but they contacted me and asked for a tape!! so im like !!!!! okayy sure id love to send that !!! i just have to face The Horrors first#if i dont get it then thats not the end of the world or anyth; but itd be SO FUCKING COOL if my v first submission landed me my first gig!!#so uhh. pls put out a good thought to the universe for my self-tape landing me the chance to perform in this queer play festival !!#bee speaks#🤞🤞🤞
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me rn having the biggest hots for leon kennedy and astarion sorry LMFAOOO <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#^___^ me smiling innocently#bg3 is on the MIND !!! i dearly want it so badly. turns out my dad played 1/2 (not sure which) a looong time ago#but he never got too far i think bcs he's busy... :P but hey i love him. wow. it's really cool he knows it too (ofc he does lmfao)#me and him (handshake emoji) also never getting far in da origins yet bcs we have it on xbox bcs of him getting it a long time ago#but there's that bug in the mage tower... :( funny we both went thru it LMFAO <//3 anyway i got it on steam so i've been playing#again but not recently anymore since 1. ffxiv took over my life last days of summer again 2. summer is over back school so rip#anyway can u tell i love fantasy :)) da and bg babeyyy !!! my type is going to make you guys cry i'm so obvious#zevran... fenris... astarion... i have a thing for ppl w blond/white hair :P idk my fav in inquisition yet and idk anything abt bg1&2 yet#but Yeah. GHBSHJGBSHJG..... da origins is kinda funny (lack of better word) to me btw bcs i like all four main romance options#but it's hard to explain (i have a story behind stuff i want to share but it's tiring and annoying of me /hj !!!!!)#anyway i like blond elves if it wasn't obvious. yes i also like link and zelda from loz. yes i like legolas. yes i like#...anyway! so where does re fit in this? uh. u see i'm a coward actually i'm too scared to play re LMFAOOO#BTU I ADORE THE LORE and the characters and the game franchise and shit ^_^ just. i shld really watch it sometime#instead of reading wikis all the time and just soaking up all the knowledge but i'm. a Coward. okay#i can't even play bloodborne despite how nerdy i am over it... it's so scary to poor little me... i'm a coward (it's the harsh truth).....#anwyay i'll conquer my fears one day but that day is NOT SOON !!! i wna get into re properly tho aside from just being a nerd#so i'm too scared to play but i'll watch playthroughs sometime (and admire leon) <3 yeah. another blond. i know. shut up.#is this my life rn am i just infatuated w blonds and white haired guys. it's gna be hell if i continue nier replicant rn too huh#uh. goodnight!
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honestly. on one hand. i really really really like the version of peter pan from once upon a time, in the way that the actor does a phenomenal job, the character has great dialogue and is just overall really really enjoyable to watch imo. but then i remember how he kept wendy in a cage for like 300 years and like
i stan him but that is so. AGSJDHJDHDJ. like i feel SO BAD for wendy there. this poor girl honestlyyy. like. that’s so disturbing honestly. like i can’t imagine much things that would mess with someone’s psyche more than that. like if he had just kept her on the island then fine, but constantly in that tiny hanging cage??? big OOF.
like i’m sure she’d need like permanent therapy afterwards and even then how would you even begin to unpack that in therapy???? like??????
#like pan ily but was that necessary?????#the worst part abt liking villains is when they do stuff like that ahdkndkfnfkf#(that part is a joke. just to be clear)#like idk he’s so cool but that makes me side eye him anyway. also cuz like? what was that like?? like was she just kinda there or did he/the#lost boys actually interact with her? on a regular basis i mean. other than giving her like food and whatever. and like if yes. then how did#they interact? was it taunting her? more civil? maybe with some of the lost boys even friendly? or just plain threatening??#like there are things that are way more outright and obviously cruel but this is like probably the worst thing he’s done bc its so prolonged#like abandoning rumple was bad already. but he couldn’t have known that that pain would last for hundreds of years instead of a few decades#and the thing with killian’s brother liam was also not great (i don’t remember the details of that scene so idk rn if he told them about how#the water works exactly or not so idk if he was being a total bitch or if they just didn’t listen) but either way liam’s pain was also not#that long yk? like he died and that was that. sure- killian’s grief was v v long but idk if i’m counting that bc he’s not the one that was#directly hurt yk? anyway yeah. AND THEN THE THING W WENDY. like taking her as a hostage is one thing but doing that for iirc THREE fucking#centuries in such a tiny ass uncomfortable looking cage???????? that’s ridiculous#like i can’t even fathom how much her psyche would be messed up by that irl#moi#fandoms#ouat peter pan#ouat wendy darling#peter pan ouat#wendy darling ouat#once upon a time#ouat#hajshdifjjdjd#sorry for the rant but it was fun and will happen again <3
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ok fr last one but there's actually a bootleg of my school's anastasia and i'm linking it bc you all NEED to understand that my infatuation with this one girl's voice which started when i was in the 6th grade and still hasn't really worn off isn't based on nothing
#brielle's the one in the n95 mask (the video is too grainy to actually make out any of the ensemble's faces but she stands out)#and i'm the in my 'teenage tboy's diy first short haircut' era in every scene she's in#apart from everything abt the girl who plays anya. the tea on everyone else is that our director liked the boy who played gleb's voice so#much that she actually lowered some if not all of his parts to be in his range. the guy who played vlad was a total diva and uhm. the phras#'peaked in high school' has been tossed around at him a lot. and the fact that he came back to sub the year after he graduated isn't helpin#his case. also he pressured the girl who played anya's grandmother into wearing old age makeup + spray her hair grey bc he decided he was#going to wear it and since she's supposed to be older than him she had to too and used to waltz into the girls' changing room whenever he#wanted. everyone was like super shocked during auditions though bc we all thought he was a shoe-in for dimitry esp since seniors get#priority casting bc it's their last chance. but at callbacks (we had singing auditions via video and dance auditions in person and callback#were tacked on to the dance auditions) he kinda flubbed his song and then this freshman. who was with us via google meet bc he literally ha#covid at the time absolutely blew him out of the water and i remember walking away w brielle like 'holy shit [first name] [last name] just#lost a part to a freshman' (he's the kind of person you just have to full name otherwise it sounds wrong). that said i do think he made a#much better vlad then he would've made a dimitry and while he is. a lot. he's always been nice to me and i did briefly idolize him and his#stage presence way i did anya's singing voice but that faded when i got into hs and started actually observing his prima donna ways#(the one production we were in together before in middle school we didn't have any scenes together). the girl who played the grandma#actually shouted me out in cast circle and that's the only time that's ever happened to me. also i'm p sure her dad is/was dating someone m#dad and by extension myself work with so that's. Oh My God. like she (the one who works for my dad) brought him w her to a comedy show as i#think her bf but i'm not 100% sure and when he found out what school i went to he mentioned his daughter went there and despite the fact#that i basically have a script for when people ask me that question bc i do NOT pay attention to most of my fellow students and don't know#anyone i was like 'holy shit' bc i actually did. hm what else. the guy who played the tsar and i used to shittalk bad period dramas#backstage during the first part of act 2. also during the press conference scene i need you to picture all the bolshevik soldiers and#romanov royals doing the macarena behind the curtain bc that was absolutely what we were doing back there. speaking of the press conference#the really high singing w/o a clear source was actually anya standing behind the curtain on the other side of the stage bc she's the only#one who physically could sing the part. also in regards to the bolshevik soldiers. we were originally supposed to have wooden rifles but fo#some reason our director took them out so we had to just walk menacingly towards the romanovs. you can't rlly see me that well in that scen#but that jacket would NOT stay closed and for 2/3 performances i had to awkwardly hold it closed the entire time. luckily the one that was#filmed was the one where i was smart enough to bring safety pins and also saved like all of the ballerinas bc their costumes all started#falling apart at once backstage.#romeo.txt#theatreposting
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i loveeee making playlists this is a little known fact about me. my playlists r like my babies
#unfortunately i never finish them bc i csn never be fully satisfied w how the vibes and lyrics and everything match up#i do have a couple on my profile rn (LINK IN PINNED. LOL) but i have like a billionthst r like forever wips#i have twooo that r BASICALLY DONE i just need to do srt for the covers. and these are my ice emperor redo#and a jaya playlist … 🤨 but miserable version.#jaya DIVORCE playlist#that ones complex.#i struggle w making them understnadable for others lolol#my last ie one i wrote like a full google docs thing explaining each song choice in detail#but im hoping the new version is better. more understnadable#its abt my like complex interpretation of zane and vexs relationship.#the original went from like#them meeting to the intense codependency to the slow fallout and then like. zane After it all#the new one is kinda the same but shuffled round a bit. and condensed w different songs in parts#it has a LITTLE bit post vex. but doesnt dwell quite so much#immm not sure abt my jaya playlist it might need more refining.#but its like the idea of them almost feeling obligated to be together at first#and then slowly realising it wont work but its already hurt them both#but it has a good ending i think.#im kinda not sure on it but ill have to relisten. its kind of a rlly conplex thing in my mind so hard to wrap up in a playlist#other ones im working on rn are a birdrickkkk playlist. lol. and also maybe skybound??#im also hoping to be able to make more general playlists for each of the ninja that i can keep updating#my lloyd one is coming along nicely and the jay one. Has Songs in it. but the rest r like 1-2 songs each 😭 wtf#im gonna do some research. (listening to other ppls playlists and picking out the stuff i like)#im like superrrr fussy w my playlists thi LOL#liteeally i am that guy listening to playlists liek ‘he would not fucking be represented bu that’#BTW THIS IS KINDA FUNNY. is theres sooo many rick playlists w the desc liek ‘ugh i made a REAL rick playlist bc he wld NOT listen to mitski’#and like. true. but this isnt for him. ITS FOR ME#for the record. rick would listen to breakcore. thats my wisdom.#my rick playlist wld PISS those ppl off. lololllllll watever#IM OUT OF TAGS LOL ok thats my thiughts. byeeeee
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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eddie bracken as orville wingait in summer stock (1950)
#don't get it wrong abigail whacking orville upside the head is during their comedy backstage 5 sec to Resolution ending rush#literal last minute conclusion crunch in unsurprising formatting lol; i chose a more peaceful gif to end on. note the prior one's [feet Up]#i hope this illustrates There Is Much Material. more clips than this & truly as good or better a role as any others to choose from here#summer stock#conveniently it's apparently wingait in the movie but via that casting news this (2023) role is wingate#tcm fancam life...we've all been there. akd talking abt meet me in st. louis like maybe i should rewatch lol. have to muddle through someho#anyways there's for sure room to like grab a little thread of plot and enhance it in this story. e.g. orville & abigail could talk Thrice#their B-plot / more idiosyncratic romance there is still >>>>>> the main JUDY & GENE one unsurprisingly even w/o a third convo lol#whoops the main guy is an asshole. judy/jane learns she loves show business so just kinda may as well be in love w/the show guy ig#like girl you don't have to be...but ofc already although her & orville's dynamic is pleasant enough she seems somewhat disinterested#while fascinatingly for our purposes though orville is framed a bit like [this NERD] he can't be too dunked on b/c [romantic B-plot]#meanwhile abigail's Undeserving Of Gene/Joe (she is but she's too good for him) qualities being just that she's been too Indulged so like#in her lack of protestant ethic farm work she's so conceited & sensitive that she wants to rest & not be yelled at???#smash cut to for real judy/jane on Opening Night like asking tentatively like oh romantic interest you're Not gonna yell at me..??#but she's been Hard Working so she will tolerate the physical AND emotional demands. but she's also more Talented than abigail#so joe need not be mean to her Anyways like. okay wild maybe we could rework that but congrats abigail for NOT ending up w/him fr#meanwhile orville's arc (joe has none to speak of save realizing he wants to make out w/this other woman now) is as clear as anyone's#extricate himself from otherwise only getting to be an extension of his father who is generally interfering / directing / demeaning him als#another ''well i don't know about that'' element in that when orville Does tell him to cut that out his dad actually just rolls with that#and becomes more amicable lol like well that does work out & it's unsurprisingly like cmon orv you can't LET him treat you like that...#and if you didn't? he'd just be like ''oh haha okay''...like is abigail supposed to be ''right'' abt uhh romance there but yet she's just#too sensitive to handle Tell Don't Ask / No Apologies? maybe; but they both end up getting to Not Stand For It lol. i think that that would#ofc still be fun to develop. whereas w/joe it's like uh maybe make him Not a huge asshole in the end / judy p much in love w/Showbiz....#abigail & orville out here decidedly Not About Nonsense....but still a bit zany ig such that after the [imagine the foley] hit: it's good#like i'm sure it's ''orville's still enough of a NERD to be chill w/that'' & ''abigail's still DIFFICULT enough to put her foot down''#['50 gender politics] we all know that couple whose flaws & idiosyncrasies allow them to Apologize & Ask & use their inside voices#and be all upset if someone's trying to demean them. unlike True Romance of the man who won't bully his wife if she earns it :')#joe could instead uhh be a harried director who's actually Wrong for being a dick to his gf (if we even include that) w/the various sources#of pressure to make a show Work but there's all this req'd spontaneity / flexibility anyways & he learns that even if he's clenching throug#it he can Not take it out on other people / Make it succeed by Making ppl do anything. & also jane reminds him of Passion for this.
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nap time. hoping for nice dreams
#last dream has jonathan b in it idk if it was some characters but wasn't mike for sure#and the one before that had mike but it was kinda devastating i don't wanna talk abt it#j is still upset abt it#anyway seeya#snoooorkmimimimi
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whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
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