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pug-bitch · 5 years

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That’s not why I’m going (30)

Raspberry is refined

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: about 4,500 (let me know if the ‘keep reading’ cutoff isn’t working well!)

Notes: This picks up almost where we left off, during the first day in Portavira, starting with Drake’s POV. A little heads-up: since we’re getting closer to the Decision Ball and the equivalent of the end of Book 1, I plan to end this part of the series soon, possibly in a few chapters. BUT -- I will continue with a sequel that corresponds to my rendering of Book 2!

*****

Drake is grateful for Max. They spent the rest of the afternoon together, in Drake’s room drinking whiskey that they smuggled in from the cabin, and talking. They talked about everything: Amara, Liam, Sav, but also their own late-blooming friendship, which had been budding for years but was only allowed to thrive thanks to Amara.

Maxwell glances at his watch; it’s already 6pm. Almost time for dinner. ‘Maybe we should get back out and get some coffee,’ he suggests.

Drake shrugs. ‘I don’t know. I think maybe I’m gonna stay put tonight. Skip dinner.’

Max shakes his head. ‘That’s not a solution. I know you’re stressed, and so am I, but disappearing might look even weirder. Come to dinner, we’ll stick together, you, me, and Bertrand.’ Max takes a sip of his whiskey and smirks. ‘Daddy and the two fun uncles.’

Drake pretends to gag. ‘If you refer to your own brother as ‘Daddy’ again, I’ll jump out the window.’

‘Hahaha I know, it’s gross. I’m just saying, we’ll avoid suspicious interactions with Amara, she and Hana will do their own thing, and it will be good.’

Drake nods. Knowing that Amara and Hana are together makes him feel better. ‘You’re right. But after dinner, I’m coming back here and I’m not coming out until tomorrow’s fishing activity.’

‘Fine!’ Max throws his hands up. ‘If you want company, I’ll come back up with you and we’ll watch a movie. Deal?’

‘Right. But I’ll pick the movie.’

‘Ugh, Drake. I’m not in the mood to watch a cowboy movie.’ Max’s eyes light up. ‘Unless… unless it’s Brokeback Mountain!’

Drake chuckles. ‘Alright, alright, Brokeback Mountain it is.’

*****

‘Lady Amara, you look ravishing today. House colors, too, how thoughtful.’

Madeleine’s hypocritical tone had sent chills down Amara’s spine, and not the good kind. That bitch was up to something.

Still, Amara keeps her poker face and responds, ‘Thank you, Lady Madeleine, so do you. I love the silver piping on your dress, it’s gorgeous.’

Madeleine raises her champagne flute and flashes an extremely fake smile as she walks away to join Kiara and Penelope.

As soon as she turns her back to them, Hana’s and Amara’s smiles falter. ‘Ugh,’ Amara says, ‘that was painful. We both agree that she’s smug about something, right?’

‘Oh, absolutely,’ Hana replies softly. ‘We’re gonna need to stay on our toes.’

‘Agreed.’

Amara feels her clutch vibrate, and she promptly opens it to find her phone ringing. Just her former boss, probably trying to see if she’s gonna come back and bartend again. She sends him to voicemail. At least Michael has stopped calling and texting ‘Please pick up’ fifteen times a day, so that’s new.

‘Everything ok?’ Hana inquires.

‘Yeah. Just sending my old boss to voicemail, that’s all.’ She closes her clutch and takes a sip of her champagne. ‘So, any idea what Liam has in store for Liv?’

‘No, he just talked about a grand gesture but I have no clue what he’s preparing.’

Amara hesitates to fill Hana in on the Rashad story, but stops herself. Liv would kill her. ‘Should we give her a heads up?’

Hana shrugs, ‘What would we even say? Liam was so vague. I’m thinking maybe he’s thinking of choosing her, after all. But… if I’m wrong…’

Amara nods, ‘It could give her false hope. You’re right. Let’s zip it for now.’

‘But Amara,’ she continues, ‘Liam is really lost. He feels rejected by Drake.’

Amara feels a knot in her throat. She knows that already, of course she knows. But being told this, by the gentlest soul ever, feels like a reminder that she and Drake are essentially alienating Liam. She swallows hard. ‘Do you think I should tell Drake?’

Hana gives her a benevolent smile. ‘Maybe. I think Liam needs him right now, and although I’m sure Drake is aware of it, it couldn’t hurt.’ She pauses. ‘But it might not be a good idea for you to talk to him privately while we’re in Portavira. So, I can find him at some point today or tomorrow and talk to him about it.’

Amara squeezes her friend’s hand. ‘You’re a gem, Hana. I don’t know what I would do without you.’

Hana chuckles, ‘Babe, what would we all do without each other? We’re a team.’

‘But you’re our rock. You’re amazingly strong and I’m so proud of being your friend, Hana.’

Hana blows her a kiss and walks towards the apéritif buffet to fill a small plate.

*****

Olivia can’t help but look behind her at all times. She snuck out right after dinner was over, and went to change into an outfit that would be more...burger-friendly than her red gown. As she walks fast through the long driveway to the garages, she hopes that Rashad will be there. After all, they coordinated nothing, beyond what he said to her at the welcome party: he’d be leaving after dinner to go to town, and she’s welcome to join. That’s it.

Maybe he’s already gone? It took her a while to get out of her gown and to choose an appropriate outfit, she even debated raiding Suarez’s closet for something understated. Maybe Rashad lost his patience and left?

Maybe he even changed his mind and retreated to his room? Maybe she’d read too much into this invitation, maybe he didn’t want a burger after the lush fish dinner they’d had. Liv had barely eaten, saving her appetite for their sneaky second dinner.

What an idiot, she thinks. She should have texted him to coordinate something, but now her phone makes her paranoid. She’s kept it off all day, and now it’s sitting in her purse, useless. She won’t turn it on, though. Too risky.

She hesitantly walks in one of the garages. Empty, except for Liam’s towncar, and Bastien’s.

As she walks into a second one, a warm voice greets her from inside a sports car, all windows down.

‘Hop in, Nevrakis.’

She has to fight back a smile. She darts towards the passenger door, a little too eagerly maybe, but who cares. They have to leave fast, before anyone notices.

‘I thought you’d left already,’ she says, not even realizing that she’s sharing her fear with him.

Rashad chuckles as he puts the car in first gear. ‘I wouldn’t leave without you. Ready for the burger of a lifetime?’

*****

His father had pushed Liam to have a one-on-one with Madeleine, even when they were at Penelope’s estate and he should be spending more time with the lady of the house. Liam didn’t have the energy to refuse, both his father and Madeleine were starting to wear him down. So, he offered her a brandy and a stroll by the water after dinner, thinking that it was the safest way to go, since people were around.

He wasn’t wrong; her attitude was more demure today, and she had obviously given up on jumping his bones for now.

Liam was trying his best to be charming and pleasant; the last thing he wants is piss her off, which would inevitably piss off the King.

His phone is burning a hole in his pocket. He has to fight the urge to look at it, to see if anyone has replied to him regarding his plans for later tonight. Has Bastien confirmed that all is in place safety-wise? Has Bernadette come back with the item he requested? And, most importantly, has Olivia seen his message and replied?

He’ll find out soon enough. But after his talk with Hana, he feels more confident. This is what he needs to do, even if it wasn’t his original plan.

*****

Maxwell looks at his phone and smiles.

‘It’s Amara! She wishes us a nice guys’ night, she’s spending the evening with Hana, having wine and watching TV.’

Drake’s heart flutters. He’s happy to know she’s with Hana, and that she’s having a good time. They agreed not to text while in Portavira; they don’t know who could be spying on them in a house they don’t know well. But still, the fact that it’s Max relaying her message hurts a little.

He shakes his head. No, that’s stupid. They’re lucky enough to have a strong support system, people who love and support them despite the mess they bring to the table. Drake needs to be thankful. He is thankful. He just had forgotten how to let people in, that’s all. Once in a blue moon, his old instincts kick in.

‘Are they watching Queer Eye?’ he asks Maxwell, who immediately types.

‘Yes! Spot on!’ he laughs as he reads the new message from Amara.

‘Heh. I know them well.’

Drake types up the title of the movie on Netflix and it pops up.

‘Ready for Brokeback Mountain, Max?’

Maxwell claps his hands together, ‘YES. I love me some gay cowboys.’

‘Actually, not to be pedantic about it, but they’re shepherds. And they probably qualify more as bi.’

Maxwell erupts in a boisterous laugh, ‘As I live and breathe, here comes Woke Walker! I love it. And you’re right, I was putting them in an erroneous box. I also had no idea they were shepherds, in my defense, but it doesn’t make them any less hot. Any chance we could get a whiskey up in this bitch? The girls are getting tipsy, why not us?’

Drake gets up to find his stash. ‘Of course. Let’s get lit.’

As he pours the amber liquid in two tumblers, he notices that Maxwell’s face darkens a bit.

‘Everything ok, Maxxie?’ he inquires.

Max shakes his head. ‘Oh, yeah. I was just…’ He lets out a long sigh. ‘Grateful. For this.’

Drake hands him his drink, and they clink glasses. ‘To this, then. To good friends.’

Max smiles. ‘To you, Drake. I’m so thankful you forgave me. You know, for hiding the truth about Sav.’

Drake’s heart breaks a little at the mention of his sister. ‘Of course I forgave you, I had no reason not to. If anything, I’m having some trouble forgiving myself. For not being easier to talk to. For her, for you, for everyone around me.’

Maxwell takes a big sip. ‘You had walls up. Only normal, after everything your family went through. For the record, Sav didn’t leave to get away from you. She loves you and thinks the world of you.’

He smiles, ‘Thanks, Max. I appreciate that.’

‘And believe me, she’ll be happy and shocked to find out that you found love with an amazing woman such as our Amara.’

Drake laughs heartily, ‘Thanks Max… I know I’m supposed to be offended, I mean, you said she’d be shocked that someone like me could end up with Amara, but… it’s accurate.’

Max almost chokes on his whiskey. ‘Noooo it’s not what I meant! I meant like...she’ll be shocked that you put down your walls and let someone in!’

‘Hey, I get it. I’m surprised too, but… you know Amara. She sneaks up on you. Makes you open your doors, and the windows, too. I tried so hard to avoid falling for her, but I think it was too late, right away. As soon as we talked on that beach in New York, I was fucked. In the best of ways.’

Maxwell puts a comforting hand on Drake’s shoulder. ‘I love that for you. And you know, you’re good for her too. More than you realize. Look at the strides she’s made with her grief. Ever since you told her to talk about Sergio in a positive way, she does it all the time, with both of us and with Hana, and she seems so much better. YOU did this, Drake.’

Drake blushes. He starts to feel some sneaky tears making their way to his eyes, but he won’t let them fall. Instead, he clicks on the movie and turns off the light. ‘Let’s get this party started.’

*****

‘Oh, and I’ll have the strawberry milkshake, and also a beer, any Belgian one you have.’

Liv raises an eyebrow and chuckles.

As soon as the server is gone, Rashad smiles and asks, ‘What’s so funny about my order?’

She shrugs, ‘Strawberry milkshake? Are you eight years old? And a little girl?’

‘Drinks don’t have genders, Nevrakis,’ he responds playfully.

‘This one does!’

‘Oh, and tell me, since you’re so wise, what’s the difference between my apparently immature strawberry milkshake, and your clearly superior order?’

Olivia clears her throat. ‘Strawberry is childish. Raspberry, on the other hand, is refined.’

Rashad bursts out laughing. ‘If you say so, my lady.’

Ever since they got to the restaurant, Liv has been feeling something she hasn’t felt in years. Relaxed. She’s wearing pants, a regular blouse, and her hair is in a simple ponytail instead of her usual elaborate updo. She noticed that Rashad, too, has changed, although very slightly. He’s wearing jeans instead of his dress pants, but kept his button-down shirt. Liv catches herself looking at his arms. He rolled up his sleeves, which allows her to see his tan and muscular forearms.

She needs to stop staring.

He smiles at her playfully. Did he notice? ‘So,’ he says, ‘what’s your favorite place to go, besides Lythikos?’

‘Hmm, I guess I really like Switzerland, and Germany. It’s similar to my home, but also different enough to be interesting.’

He nods. ‘Good choice. I love Munich myself. Awesome city. I do business there about once a month.’

‘And that’s your favorite place to be?’ she asks, surprised by how much she cares about the answer.

‘It’s up there,’ he says. ‘But I honestly love the States. For me it’s a tie between New York and Austin.’

‘Here are your drinks, guys,’ the waitress announces, putting down the milkshakes, and the two beers.

‘Thank you,’ Rashad says politely.

God, he’s handsome. Why is she so attracted to him all of a sudden, when she barely noticed him for years? Was it his genuine concern over her state of mind after the leak? Was it because of the time they spent together? Was it the wake of Liam’s rejection and infatuation with Suarez?

Maybe it was all of it. Maybe it was none of it. All she knows is that she’s truly enjoying the conversation. They can’t stop chatting away and they barely notice that time is passing by. Liv hasn’t exactly let her guard down, she still can’t help but be sarcastic or even abrasive at times, but he’s not trying to confront her, or to smooth her over. He simply laughs with her, and challenges her just enough to keep her on her toes.

‘How do you like the burger?’ he asks.

‘It’s not bad at all. I had a good homemade one yesterday at Walker’s cabin --don’t tell him that I said it was good-- so obviously this one isn’t as tasty, but it’s pretty good.’

‘Right? It’s not bad. I’m jealous about the homemade food. I only eat court food when I’m in Cordonia, and airplane/hotel food when I’m away on business. I would sell a kidney for a homemade meal, even the simplest one.’

‘Well, Walker’s burger was good, but not kidney-good. Let’s not kid ourselves.’

Rashad laughs heartily. ‘Well I definitely won’t tell him you said that.’

They eat in silence for a couple of minutes, and then Rashad puts down his French fry and clears his throat.

‘I wanted to reiterate,’ he says, ‘I’m sorry for being pushy with the text this weekend. Not my intention to be annoying.’

She waves her hand, ‘Hey, don’t worry. I’m weird about communication, to be honest. Don’t mind me, I’m just not fit for society.’

‘For what it’s worth,’ he says, making eye contact, ‘I think you’re great.’ He pauses, takes a sip of his beer, and continues, ‘But you know that. You’re Olivia Fucking Nevrakis.’

She gives him a faint smile. ‘Believe me, with everything that’s been happening, it’s nice to get a little reminder from time to time.’

*****

‘Oh my God Amara you were so precious!’

Hana and Amara, one bottle of wine in, were knee-deep in old pictures on Amara’s computer. They were going through a folder that had baby pictures of her, and Hana was squealing at the cuteness. This one was Baby Amara on Little Sergio’s lap, both wearing adorable pajamas with animals on them.

‘We were pretty fucking adorable, huh?’ she slurs.

‘OMG and little Sergio, look at this face!’

Amara nods. ‘He was so cute. And he kept the same face for his adult life, too.’ She pulls up a picture on her phone, of Sergio, Michael, and Baby Callie at the hospital after their surrogate had given birth.

‘Good Lord, what a beautiful family.’ She stops herself. ‘I’m so sorry, Amara, I didn’t mean--’

Amara smiles sadly. ‘Hey, it’s ok. It’s nice to talk about him. It’s good for me.’

Hana takes her hand. ‘Callie is adorable. If you don’t mind me asking, is she biologically Sergio’s or Michael’s?’

‘Sergio’s. It’s pretty obvious in more recent pics, look.’

‘OMG, I can’t take the cuteness, Amara.’

She puts the pictures away. It is good for her to talk about them, but it’s enough for one day. ‘I wanna see pics of Baby Hana, now! Tell me you have some!’

‘I don’t think I have any on my phone, but I have pics from when I was at uni.’

‘So...any chance I can see more photos of the famous Caroline?’ she asks.

Hana smiles and nods. ‘I think I can make that happen, yes.’

She pulls up a bunch of pictures from their time at Oxford. Hana hasn’t aged a day, her hair is just longer now, she used to have a long bob instead of the long locks she has now. ‘You guys are beautiful together, Han. Caroline looks lovely.’

‘She does, doesn’t she?’ Hana says wistfully. ‘She’s the one who got away, Amara.’

‘What’s her last name?’

‘What?’

Amara grabs her computer and gets on Google. ‘What’s her last name, Han?’

‘Um, it’s Stewart, but--’

Amara types furiously. ‘Stop me now if you don’t want this, but I’m on a roll.’

*****

‘Drake, can you imagine? He can’t quit him,’ Maxwell slurs through tears and whiskey. ‘He wishes he knew how to quit him, but he can’t!’

‘I know, buddy, I know. They’re star-crossed lovers.’

‘Fuck,’ Max says as he wipes away his tears, ‘it really all went downhill after the tent scene, huh?’

*****

‘Hold on, you’re telling me that you’ve NEVER seen Breaking Bad?’

Olivia shakes her head. ‘Never.’

Rashad makes an explosion motion over his head. ‘You would love it. It has murders, you know.’

Liv cracks a smile. ‘So I’ve heard. But drugs aren’t my scene.’

‘Oh, come on, they’re not my scene either, you’re just trying to make me sound like Pablo Escobar. I just think it’s a brilliant show, that’s all.’

Liv throws her hands in the air. ‘Alright, I trust your judgment. We seem to have the same taste in entertainment, at least mostly, so maybe I’ll check it out.’

They left the burger joint a while ago, and now they’re just walking around the streets of Portavira, a second beer in hand. Liv knows it’s almost midnight, they should be going back soon, but she really, really doesn’t want to. She doesn’t even want to think about the stupid fishing activity they’ll have to go through tomorrow. She’d rather poke the hook through her own eye.

‘Hey Liv?’ he asks.

‘Hm?’

‘Thanks for coming out with me. I appreciate it.’

‘Well, thanks for inviting me. And for footing the bill. I could have paid for myself, you know.’

‘Oh, I know. But I wanted to treat you, as a thank you for hanging out. I’ve been enjoying it.’

She nods. ‘Still, I want to repay you. Care for a nightcap? Here’s a bar, we could finish the beer we have and get one last drink before going back.’

‘Deal.’

*****

Liam’s stomach churns. He can’t take the stress. Almost midnight, hopefully she’ll be here anytime soon. He checks the jewelry box for the hundredth time. A ruby necklace, lined with diamonds, which he had Bernadette pick up earlier today. The champagne is chilling in a bucket, stabilized between two rocks. There is a torch lighting up the part of the beach he is on, just enough to see, but not enough to attract bugs and other creatures. The tide is mid-low, going up, so the waves are getting closer and closer, making this time the ultimate moment for a magical late-night rendezvous.

Now he’s just waiting for her.

She’s gonna come, right?

*****

‘I just think I’ve been wasting a lot of time waiting around like an idiot.’

Rashad takes another sip of the martini he ordered. ‘Not like an idiot, Nevrakis. Like a hopeful person. There’s a difference.’

She hates herself for talking about her pathetic love life, tonight of all nights, but he’s still trooping. He’s listening to her, offering advice, and he doesn’t even seem turned off by the whole package. Parts of her want to push it further, to see what exactly it would take for him to run for the hills.

But most of her wants him to stay right here.

‘No, Rashad, it’s pathetic. People see me as a confident person. How many times have I been told that the sexiest thing about me is my confidence--’

‘I’m gonna stop you right there,’ he says in an assertive tone that gives her chills. ‘That’s not what makes you sexy. Of course you have confidence: you’re a badass and an awesome person. You’d be crazy if you weren’t confident. No, what makes you sexy is everything else. Your laugh, your smile, your glimpses of vulnerability.’ He takes another sip. ‘And of course, your determined demeanor, and everything else about you.’

She stays silent for a minute, and takes a sip of liquid courage. She swallows and nods.

Before she knows it, their lips crash together in a mutual urgency that she has never known before. They kiss deeply, their eyes closed, forgetting the world around them.

When they finally come back to Earth, Rashad takes a deep breath, and simply says, ‘Wow…’

Liv lets out a short laugh. ‘Yeah…’ she says.

He rubs the bridge of his nose. ‘That was...something, Nevrakis. Although, I didn’t really foresee our first kiss being in a dark corner of a bar.’

‘I’m a simple bitch,’ she jokes. ‘I don’t need a fairytale setting.’

He smiles and nods, before cupping her face in his hand and pulling her closer for another kiss.

*****

Hana and Amara had been searching any type of info possible about Caroline, and they finally found a few leads. But then, Amara rightfully realized that she was too drunk to be a good detective, so she promised Hana she would get back to it soon, but in the meantime, they can watch another Queer Eye episode.

As they laugh together and comment on the makeover, Amara finds herself feeling wistful. Besides Mia, she hasn’t had such a good female friend for years. Being in the NYPD had not helped. Of course, there were female detectives, and some women among the higher-ups, but they were still a minority. Plus, in order to pass her detective test, Amara had needed to put in a lot of hours and had very little time for friendship. Mia was the one who had stuck with her since college. They had been roommates since Day 1 and had never looked back.

So, being here, with Hana, doing their nails together and watching Queer Eye, felt comfortable, like coming home after a long, difficult trip.

She misses spending time with Drake, she really does. Several times in the past few hours, she almost turned around to joke around with him and tease him about what Tan France would say about his denim shirt. But she’s grateful she’s here with Hana. She and Drake will reunite after Portavira, before the last weekend of the competition, and she can be patient.

‘What do you think the boys are doing?’ Hana asks, as if reading her mind.

‘Max said they watched Brokeback Mountain and now they’re binging episodes of Chopped.’

‘Awww, how cute! I love Brokeback Mountain! And Chopped, I guess Drake really has the cooking bug, huh?’

Amara smiles, ‘Yeah, I guess he does. What did you think of his hosting skills?’

Hana sits up and takes a sip of her water. ‘Honestly? He impressed me. He seems to really love it, and the whole mushroom-leek burger idea was genius. Simple yet refined.’

Amara nods, beaming with pride towards her man. ‘I know right! That’s what I said! And you should have seen the fish he cooked for me on Saturday. Although we almost burned it…’ She stops herself from oversharing.

‘Uh oh,’ Hana jokes, ‘too busy doin’ it?’

Amara lets out a deep laugh. She’d never heard Hana talk like that; she really is a lightweight. ‘You could say that. But even with the timing issue, it was delicious, he really has a talent.’

‘I hope he explores it,’ Hana says seriously. ‘I see a lot of change in him since we all met. You made him open up, Amara, and I’m excited to see where life takes you guys!’

*****

All hope is lost now. He opened the bottle of champagne at 12:30, now completely sure that Liv wouldn’t show. The torch burned out, and Liam didn’t bother lighting it again. Now he’s just going to mope here, until he finishes the bottle. And then, maybe he’ll see what Drake is up to, he could use a shoulder to cry on.

High beams in the distance. Maybe she came after all? No, she doesn’t have a car here, she came with Maxwell. Who is it, then? Liam can’t risk anyone seeing him look this pathetic. He grabs the champagne bucket, the jewelry box, and crouches behind a rock.

Slammed car doors. Laughter. Voices in the distance, getting closer.

‘Ugh, I don’t wanna go back yet.’

Liam’s heart shatters. It’s Liv’s voice, but she’s not alone.

‘Hey, we can stay here as long as you want. The only thing I won’t do is sleep on the beach. Too many bugs.’

Liam recognizes the man’s voice instantly. Rashad. Oh, so Liv probably didn’t see his message and came here for a stroll with Rashad. Right?

Right?

Well, it’s almost 1 AM. So the casual stroll theory is, at best, very naive.

Liam hears them laugh together, as they whisper things to each other and walk farther away from where he’s standing. On the one hand, he’s relieved. No one will spot him. On the other hand...he can’t hear what they’re saying anymore.

He can see them, though.

They’re now sitting on a big rock, suspiciously close together.

His heart drops when he sees Rashad take her hand, and pull her closer.

It shatters when he sees them kiss.

*****

Taglist:

@drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @jovialyouthmusic @andy-loves-corgis @mariahschoices @drakesensworld @thequeenofcronuts @notoriouscs @drakewalkerisreal @nikkis1983 @simsvetements @alesana45 @iplaydrake @emceesynonymroll @lily1999love @drakewalkerwhipped @drakxwalker @drakewalkerrosenberg @drakeswalkers @drakelover78 @silviasutton1989 @dcbbw @carabeth @furiousherringoperatortoad @hollygirl1269 @sirbeepsalot @ladyangel70

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#dramara #that's not why i'm going #drake x amara #drake walker x amara suarez #drake x mc #drake walker trr #drake walker #drake trr #trr drake #drake walker x mc #drake walker's denim shirt #choices trr #trr fanfic #the royal romance fanfic #choices fanfiction #fanfic #what would tan france do

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mimzy-writing-online · 5 years

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A Witch’s Memory: Character Aesthetics

Making mood boards, for me, can be a difficult task. Part of it is that I don’t always understand the character’s aesthetic until I’ve been writing them for a long time, and while I love visuals and mood boards, they can get time consuming for me.

So when I started writing A Witch’s Memory, before I made mood boards I just wrote down my ideas for their aesthetics. And because I haven’t talked much about my WIP lately, I thought I’d share them. These are from my notes in One Note from ages ago

[Note, for anyone who hasn’t heard of A Witch’s Memory: It’s my YA contemporary fantasy novel. Ulric is a werewolf who doesn’t know the truth about how he went blind. Anna and Felix are two witches with partial amnesia who don’t know how many memories they lost to a curse. They meet when Anna and Felix move from the U.K. to Pennsylvania and attend Silverstone Academy, a boarding school that Ulric is returning to after a semester away recovering from going blind. Link to my A Witch’s Memory masterpost ]

Onto the Aesthetics:

Anna St. Claire: tea, books (used, new, and borrowed) purple and dark blue, late nights, sarcasm and kindness. Copper hair that looks like fire (or just much more red) when the sun catches it just right. Love for all things fall and spooky. Black dresses and stockings and oversized sweaters. Loves platonic cuddles, soft and delicate hugs. Tumblr with fandoms and pretty pictures. Sits strangely a lot. Really strong from years of archery

Felix Robbins: Good tea in fancy tea cups, thick journals, scarves and hats and nice coats. Graphic tees and worn but not ripped jeans. One comfort hoodie. Laptop, early mornings and sunrise. Sci-fi and fantasy books. Old Victorian Lit too. Green and red, together and mixing. Curly black hair. Freckles. Studious. British literature. History. Listens to lo-fi and piano melodies and covers. Classical music but also older rock (Beatles and anything popular in England before 2000) getting crushes on cute boys who love english and writing. Likes sitting strangely too.

(Anna thinks Felix is very, very smart academically, but he's a little clueless/oblivious to the world around him and reading people)

Ulric Matthews: laptop, music and headphones, hoodies and beanies and black shirts, rectangular black glasses and a white cane, warm sunny days, open soccer fields, soccer practice, running as fast as you can, running during full moons. Blue with bits of gold. Brown eyes, messy brown hair. Black coffee. Fancy café coffee as a treat. Forests and hikes on four paws. Loving dogs. Loving ALL animals, cats and snakes and rats and anything alive. Loving friends and family. Secretly very cuddly but won't admit it. Loves head scratches. Tumblr and random posts with memes/bad humor. He's secretly a writer

Mason Shepherd: soccer, sunny days, energy and energy just lots of energy. Playing piano and guitar and loving all kinds of music but really understanding classical. Big smiles. Protective of friends. Blue in all shades. Fluffy blond hair, blue eyes, childish face.

Lucy Wilder: flowers, plants, and all things nature. Spring. White and pastels of all colors, but also vibrant colors. Long blonde hair, messy buns and perfect ballet buns. Dresses, cardigans, flats, skirts and cute tops. So many halter tops. Can embroider and crochet. Ballet and every type of dance. Color guard. Walking like you're dancing. Greenhouses, big open windows, rain and sunshine. Little hoarder of all things pretty and shiny.

Eli Griffith: late nights on his computer, shy but reaches out to people he knows need it, kind, good listener. Big sweaters and hoodies, ripped jeans. Stacks of sketch books full of art of all types, loves color and painting but draws in pencil a lot. Netflix. Cool autumn afternoons, cold winter nights. No sleep, just passing the quiet night time hours.

Hayden Watson: Messy red-brown hair that looks amazing in the right light, hazel eyes, loves green, appreciates Felix's puns. Human, but takes Greek for fun, loves writing, likes reading poetry and might have a cool quote or two to bust out. Introverted but seems kind of cool sometimes, but also very dorky sometimes. Adopted brother to Luca.

��Travis Blair: gay pride, pride flag, dance, science and space nerd. Loves singing and theatre. Dark skin and short but beautifully curly brown hair. Short and light on his feet from all the dance. Color guard. Best friend of Luca, younger brother to Ivy.

Luca Watson: gentle smiles, non-binary with they/them pronouns, oversized sweaters, art, loves coffee, shy smiles, best friend of Travis, round glasses and mousy brown hair, slight even compared to Travis. Gets easily excited for interests like favorite shows and youtubers. Color Guard. Adopted sibling to Hayden.

Ivy Blair: books stores and quirky coffee shops where she only orders tea. Sarcasm and attitude. Cute pastries, nice tea but also lattes and Starbucks too. Insta addict. Long fluffy curls and medium brown skin. Round brown eyes with thick lashes. When she smiles it's sly but sometimes its soft too. Loves vintage and goth fashion, super short and wears heals a lot. Feminism, intersectional feminism, loves her trans girlfriend. Color guard captain.

Veronica St. Claire: Aunt to Felix and Anna. Mother to Emily. Messy dark curls in messy buns, green eyes, pale hands that are stained from potions. House witch. Quiet and loving. Great mum honestly. Home business selling potions.

Elmsley St. Claire: Academic witch. Total professor aesthetic with sweaters, vests, ties, tweed jackets. Glasses, brown hair, brown eyes. Beard. Uncle to Felix and Anna, father to Emily, loves his wife Veronica with all his heart. Gentle soul. Has a mobility disability involving nerve damage in his left leg, walks with a support cane.

There you have it :)

Follow this blog for: updates on A Witch’s Memory (in editing stage), writing advice guides (including my popular- How to Write a Blind/Visually Impaired Character guides), writing memes and humor, and images with image descriptions.

#writeblr #writing community #wip #my wip #nanowrimo #a witch's memory #character crafting #character aesthetics

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feralhogs · 4 years

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ALL THE COLOURS

HERE WE GO BOYS

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

I’m feeling tired because I’m supposed to be in bed. But happy because I did the work and I can get away with sleeping in and things are just chill right now. I have devised a way of sneaking waste food at work. If you put it in these little metal containers and hide them under the fridge, nobody notices them and throws them away. This eve I dined on garlic bread and prawns.

cadmium yellow; when you think of the word “happy” what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Walking with coffee and tunes. I’m trying to appreciate things in my life I will feel nostalgic about later in the moment, so I don’t regret anything. This is one of those things. Although I might not have the tunes part for long because I fucking broke my headphones and they may or may not start playing my music out loud for all the world to hear. I hope people like disco!

lemon; what’s your comfort food?

Food from my old workplace. I have trouble finishing food usually but not this stuff. I will probably scream while eating it. You know this and you love me

hansa yellow; what’s your guilty pleasure song?

“I Will Survive”. People were singing it in the Office and I guess it’s so famous and ironic and cringey now or something. But then I remember that one fucker

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

Herbie Hancock. I don’t know if I’ll listen to every single thing from him but I was just listening to some funk as you do and his like solos? I was vibing. We were having brain to brain communication. It was an experience. It was so so good. It was good fucking music. Listen to this shit. Herbie Hancock - I Thought It Was You This stuff makes me want to wiggle on public transit.

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

Bonsais and my quiet neat fucking room. Or not giving a fuck in other people’s mess.

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

YOU HO

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

We reblog asks and send each other all the asks. ADHD disaster energy finding balance. The worst posts I’ve ever seen followed by revenge. Two gay best friends who are best friends. No seriously I am so grateful for your unconditional love and your warmth

golden deep; what’s your favorite season?

Autumn. When the leaves were falling and the sun was shining all bittersweetly I was running around taking so many pictures because there’s like this golden time and then it’s gone.

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

I like to buy too many plants and pretty rocks that are just vibing. I just like to wander around with coffee without a schedule. Listening to funk and disco. Seriously I’m the coolest person ever

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

U HO. And some online mutuals of course :) I feel like I don’t turn to people when it’s real sad hours though. I just give my ocs more PTSD.

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

Relaxed evenings. Fuck mornings. All my mornings are slow buddy.

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

No, because I had to go and cancel my Netflix as all my favourite things got more episodes.

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

Oh right brained bitch.

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

No, paintings are stressful. It’s always like “Holy shit, that must have been so much work! I don’t enjoy painting myself! This person is better at painting than me!” I have much love in the heart for Van Gogh.

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work. I could say a cat, because I want to lie down in a patch of sun, knock things over, and complain loudly. I would say a dog because I think people are way better than they really are, am tenaciously loyal to them, and get excited about going for a walk.

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent?

Whatever this one hot guy at work has.

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

FOR FUCKS SAKE okay I’m going to google what my type is

You got: Mr./ Mrs Perfect

You like someone that truly has is all. You need someone who is well rounded in all aspects of life. When it comes to looks and personality, only perfection receives your affection.

Wow, what does that mean at all

scarlet; describe your current crush/es.

Ok, one of them gave me cheesecake, one of them offered me pizza, another one is the guy whose Facebook you stalked for me and we still couldn’t find his birthday but I laugh about one adorable photo still (the car one), and one of them I spent half an hour trying to find where I put the birth chart of and we’re actually really compatible. I’m sorry, if you want more information I’ll have to ramble about it in your messages.

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like?

OH I JUST WANT TO WALK DOWN A STREET HOLDING HANDS AND GO TO A RESTAURANT WEVE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE AND TRY SOME FOOD AND LAUGH A LOT, AND THEN MAYBE GO ENJOY THE VIEW OF THE OCEAN AT NIGHT. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? IS IT?

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

I don’t know, fuck it let’s go to the aquarium!

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

I dunno man. I feel like I wouldn’t if it wasn’t socially acceptable but I’m also wild and crazy.

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

I REALLY ACTUALLY LIKE MY WORKPLACE. And my living situation is pretty okay. It’s not great I guess but I’ve been coming a long way.

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

Literally what are these colours. Okay, I’m looking forward to putting wires around crystals to make them into jewellery. Then, I want to give the jewellery to my friends.

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

An old as fuck, old fashioned as fuck haunted-looking mansion I can give some love.

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

I need the outdoors bro. I need those trees. I gotta live in the countryside again someday.

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

Write some books! Run rampant in the city…

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I think it would have to be the hills where I grew up. It was bursting with biodiversity, there was a rustic sheep farm, everyone shut the fuck up, there would be frogs, the smell of the fresh air in any season, some days would just be heart-stoppingly beautiful and I ache for it sometimes. Birdsong? I heard some birdsong today and I wanted to cry. I remember our hedges would be deafening with the birds in it.

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

Today, it finding something I maybe could sit around and read and then finding it in me to actually get out of bed lol.

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

The one I just had. A lot of it is blurry, which is frustrating because I got some strong almost-memories of it throughout the day, but it sticks out to me because I was bawling my eyes out a lot in the dream, and I also hurt myself the way I used to and I had to check that I hadn’t done it in my sleep. But I think it was a very expressive dream and those are my natural emotions.

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets?

I like the idea of a husband and some dogs, cats and chickens. Kids maybe.

how many of each?

A lot of chickens, but not too many please.

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name, and I did give myself a different name. Even if I knew how annoying everyone would be about pop culture Gordons, and I did. I still would choose this name.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

I’m running out of things to say as my favourite scent. OK, Nomad from Old Spice. I don’t know why, I think it must suit me or something. Maybe it’s the citrus… stuff going on there.

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

Red Rose, my mom made it for me as a kid and she drank it all the time while teaching me piano or reading books.

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

Flowers, to show off to everyone, and then I don’t know, maybe some fucking pumpkins and easy things like corn and peas.

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

I think I’d be happier to have one if I knew no one was watching my antics LMAO

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

Best of both worlds

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

I’m still thinking of where I grew up. I see the sun through the branches of very old maple trees, and hear the wind in the long grass.

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

Yes, but I could make it better by moving in with cleaner roommates and getting a cat. And maybe work at something I’m actually interested in, or go to school or something.

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

I don’t have plans, but I’d like to visit Mexico, France, or Japan.

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

Kinda French. I want to learn Spanish… now Portuguese because everyone at work speaks it… literally, any very popular language. I want to learn so many languages

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

BRO WHAT IS A BOOK

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far?

Yeah, I’m reading a personal account of a Satanic cult. I had to stop reading it because I wasn’t ready for the graphic details.

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

Megamind/Thor Ragnarok

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

Wow I feel really called out right now. I was going to eat some chicken because I’m hungry. Because that’s what I should be doing at 3AM.

umber; have you drank enough water today?

Yes, but probably not. I’ve been trying really hard today though.

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

Probably you again, welcome to the salt mines!

sepia; name five things that always make you happy.

Buying a plant, rolling around on my fuzzy blanket, videos of cats being idiots, little unexpected thoughtful gifts, people sharing food.

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received?

A Treasured Mutual once spontaneously said I was a really good person because I was chill and they felt free to be themselves, to be vague.

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

Looking around my room, it would seem to be whatever those studying people organizing notes with the window open on a sunny day have. I don’t know if this is me, but my room looks… vaguely feminine and organized in that way.

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful!

I’m in my PYJAMA CLOTHES. I only want to take a selfie with GOOD NATURAL LIGHTING and the DAYTIME DARK CIRCLES around my eyes not the NIGHTTIME DARK CIRCLES. Maybe I have one hanging around

#chatty tag #zee5tarbug #ho #asks

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schroedingersk8 · 5 years

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11.The_Revelations

“Excuse me, WHAT?” -- I hear you say after finishing my previous entry. -- “Wait a minute, how come you being a PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX did not cause an issue?”

Well, there is a very simple explanation to it. See, it is no longer the 1950es outside. And believe me, I was as shocked about this revelation as you are right now! People have evolved and became a bit more open-minded since. And I do not live in a small village in the US Bible Belt, which is still holding on to the ways of the 1950es with all its might, nor do I know all that many narrow-minded people.

On top of that, I deal with men. And I am a woman, and I am very hot. Men -- men are a really special bunch. Simpler than a doorknob when it comes to choosing a woman, more complicated than a Swiss watch when it comes to choosing a breakfast cereal. I exaggerate for effect, of course...but you get my drift!

When men meet me, online or in real life, they see an intelligent, funny, beautiful sophisticated Lady. Capital L. Seeing that Lady pictured in a shiny latex catsuit has never had a negative effect. A lot of times, when I tell them of my chosen profession, they do not believe me! I have to prove it!!! Usually by showing my Instagram, or my website, K8Morgan.com, both containing yet more delightful images of leather and latex, and shiny things, ooooohhh.....red latex bikini........strict secretary...........stockings....................

By which time the man in question has completely forgotten of the time-space continuum and is fancying himself a broody Batman and breaking into a goofy smile while imagining me in shoes that are best described as stilts. And that is regardless of whether or not the man in question is even kinky!!! That is just from the visual over-stimulation.

And then, most have heard of professional Dominatrices these days, and the associated rules of strict sexual non-engagement, so usually, after a quick question of whether or not I have any intentions to make them suffer extreme pain at all times (some even put themselves forward for ‘occasional’ suffering!) the “dating a professional sex worker” question is done and dusted, with the biggest implication being “we shall call you a media entrepreneur to my parents.”

It does happen, though, men do walk away from me because of my work, but since I am very up-front about it, when it happens it is usually before we even meet in person, or day 0 if we met by accident somewhere. But truth be told, I turn far more of them down because of their age, political views, shoelace colour, lack of feline appreciation, bad mood, bad weather, weather being too good and whatever else might cross my mind...So it is only fair.

What have been the biggest “dating pool decimators” is not my work. It is actually, me, myself and I. And my choices:

The biggest, by far and large, has been my un-desire to have children. It has been the reason behind my two divorces (the second ex decided a few years down the line that he does, in fact, want us to have children), and the reason why I got myself surgically “neutered” some seven years ago. It is also something that a lot of men do not think of when looking at me in a latex catsuit. But it is something they do think about a few months down the line. This has driven away ten times more guys than my job did. And it is an absolute deal-breaker for me, and for them! However, I hear that the opposite is also true. That more men would rather date a single sex worker without bad habits than a single mother with a young kid. It may be sad, but it is what it is.

My second biggest decimator is, ironically, the mere fact that I have two delightful little ex-husbands. A guy sees that you have divorced once, and a red flag goes up, but, you know, things happen, no one is perfect. A guy sees you have been divorced more than once -- and it is like a Labour Day Parade in the People’s Republic of China! The reasons why it happened, the thing that at least two guys have been most willing to marry me, or what my relationships with them were and are, are considered irrelevant. And sometimes that negative judgement is being passed by married men who were trying to cheat on their wives with me, and lying to us all... I wouldn’t trade in my “chosen family of ex-husbands” for the world. They are fantastic guys, the ones who, in the time of need, keep my standards up and my head above water. They are the ones who make me step back, look, and see that “I have divorced better people than that!” (The first one is proofreading this blog for me, btw! So if you see that text has changed slightly from one day to another, you now know why, haha! And, Snumbs, thank you!)

The third biggest problem I face is my location, which is Spain, and my current unwillingness to move elsewhere or date local talent. It makes most potential relationships long-distance by default. A setting that I am very happy with, as it allows the necessary freedom, but not everybody thinks like that. And yes, it does make dating costly and complicated. But Spain is nice, has incredibly high quality of life, and I am not planning to leave any time soon, especially in the light of Brexit!

So, as you can see, the main dating problems I face, as a Professional Dominatrix, are the very same I’d face as a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, or a nurse... As someone kinky, someone vanilla, someone dominant, someone submissive, someone gay or someone straight would have. Because when we date, and when we decide to form relationships, of any kind, if we are honest with ourselves and the people around -- we date WHO they are, and not WHAT they are. Every profession has its difficulties: doctors being on call, firemen or policemen being on duty or in danger, military personnel being deployed or moved to another base, banker boys being so stressed they cannot sleep at night, news presenters and bakers having to be at work at 4 am, teachers having to correct homework until late night daily, etc etc etc. Mine is no exception. And yes, it is a deal breaker for some. But not for the many...

Our chosen professions do influence us, and our dating preferences, but often not in the way we imagine, or realise. But I shall write about it in my next post...

No one, under the penalty of the EU copyright laws, is allowed to use or reproduce my blog or individual posts, or even passages, in any way, shape or form, be it for Netflix series, Amazon books, or anything of the kind, regardless of the credit given. K8Morgan.com.

#dating #dating advice

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sabrielandacesam · 5 years

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“Let’s watch stupid Christmas movies and get wasted.” Sabriel for the Winter Writing thingy!

This was supposed to be short instead it turned out to be 1,670 words… Oops? AO3 LINK

_____________________________________________

Sam sighed. It was his first Christmas alone from his family. John and Dean never really celebrated but Sam loved the principle of it. He often tried to force Dean and John to stay with him the latter usually brushed them off in favor of a bar. Dean would stay with him up until Sam reached about 16 years old, then Dean would often also drop him. So for the entire two-week winter vacation, the students were allowed all of his friends are gone visiting their own family.

They were three days in and to be honest Sam was feeling pretty depressed. He had nobody to talk to. Sam had given his friends a day to try and give them some space, but after reading three separate books, the boredom was killing him. He tried texting Jess a couple of times but she was busy, Brady was being Brady, and Gabe hasn’t been responding.

Sam hopes Gabe is alright. At first, he and Gabriel didn’t get along at all. Gabriel was loud, and over the top, the man didn’t seem to have a care in the world. He was also incredibly smart. The man passed every test without studying for it. At first, Sam thought he had been cheating but then when Sam needed help on something Gabriel was the first to show him how to do it. After that Sam has let himself become closer to Gabriel.

Now they were best friends. Sam had even talked a bit about his childhood with him. Not enough to raise alarm bells but enough to give Gabriel some background on who he was. And it turns out Sam and Gabe had similar backstories. Both of them had pretty absentee fathers, they were raised by their older brothers, and both of them left home to do something better with their lives. Much to the disappointment of said father and brothers. Needless to say, Sam had grown a small crush on Gabriel.

Sam’s phone dinged, and he threw down the book and grabbed it immediately. His shoulders shrugged in disappointment when he saw it was just a school-wide email reminding them to unplug everything if they were leaving for the Holidays. He threw down the phone again.

God, Sam you are acting like this is your first crush.

Sam stands up and decides to get something to drink. He looks through his cabinet and debates whether to order a pizza or to actually cook something. His phone makes the notification sound again, and he struggles to not run to see what it is. His curiosity wins out, and he runs into the other room.

Gabe: Come to your window

Sam is confused, but he listens to the instructions. Opening his blinds, he looks toward the parking lot. There’s Gabriel, standing and holding up what appears to be alcohol. His phone vibrates again in his hand.

Gabe: I’m coming up there!

Sam gives Gabriel a thumbs up signaling he is ok with the man coming up to his apartment. Gabriel in return gives him a thumbs up and runs for the lobby.

Sam spins around and throws his hands up in victory. His heart is happy and has a flutter in it. He races quickly to his room to throw on his pair of PJ pants that don’t look like they are falling apart. Sam paces around the living room waiting for the knock on the door or the text asking him to let Gabe in.

Just as Sam was starting to think that Gabriel had abandoned him when there was a was the knock. Sam tries to refrain himself from racing to the door. Upon opening the door, he gets alcohol shoved in his face.

“Let’s watch stupid Christmas movies and get wasted!“Gabriel says with a stupid dopey smile on his face.

"Hell yeah!” Sam smiles. Feeling happy for the first time in a while.

“Get some glasses kiddo so we can drink this crap and kill our livers!”

“Alrighty then.” Sam walks to the kitchen and grabs two glasses. And walks out to the living room where Gabriel was setting up Netflix.

“What do you want to watch?” Gabriel asks. “I was thinking Die Hard.” Gabe smiles cheekily.

“No,” Sam responds. “We can watch that later.”

“Ugh but Samsquatch. That’s a great movie!”

“It’s a mediocre movie at best.” Sam rolls his eyes setting the glasses down on a fold up table.

“Ok fine. What about Rudolph.”

“What?” Sam is confused. He has heard of the Rudolph song but not a movie.

“Wait you don’t know about Rudolph?” Gabriel asks astounded. “What kind of childhood did you have?”

“Umm a pretty crappy one,” Sam admits. “We never really did the Christmas thing. My brother and dad were always doing something else.”

“What about your mom?” Gabriel asked softly.

“She died,” Sam says trailing off a bit.

“Oh! I’m sorry for asking.”

“Its ok I was 6 months when she died, so I don’t her everything has been told to me by my family.”

“Well, alcohol saves everything! And since now I know no that you haven’t watched Rudolph that is the first thing on the list to watch!”

Sam chuckles a bit. “Ok, I guess.”

Gabriel throws himself onto the couch and grabs the remote. He puts it up on the TV while Sam gets drinks ready.

_______________________________________

So they watched Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman. The two of them taking a drink every time there was something to critique. Which happened a lot. Both of them were entertained by the senseless critiquing the two of them would do. From saying there was no way that Rudolph’s nose would actually glow red to how quickly Frosty melted.

Gabriel was going to start another one when he noticed Sam staring right at him. The human’s head was cocked to the side, and his eyes were unfocused.

“You ok Sam?” Gabriel notices that Sam is now staring right at the ground.

“Yeah?” Sam slurs. “It’s been a while since I have gotten drunk. And I am a pretty lightweight drinker.”

Gabriel chuckles lightly. “Of course, you are. Come on let’s get you to bed.” Gabriel stands up and reaches to grab Sam.

“No no no!” Sam yelps backing away from Gabriel. “You really don’t need to do that. I’m fine.”

Gabriel recoils shocked by his friend’s reaction “Sam? Come on dude you’re barely able to talk. Let alone walk.”

“No, really I’m fine.” Sam sounds a little scared. “I can do it by myself.”

“Ok,” Gabriel is confused by Sam’s sudden change of pace, but he needs to know what triggered it. “We can just sit here.”

Sam nods his eyes going unfocused again. Both men fall silent the only sound is the long forgotten Christmas movie in the background.

It’s silent for a few more minutes before Sam turns to him again. “You’re pretty.”

“Thanks?” Gabriel is still confused by Sam’s rapid mood changes. “You are too.”

Sam smiles. “You are also so smart. Which pissed me off for a while but now its ok.” Sam chuckles a bit. “You are also super funny and I really really really like you.”

“Umm,” Gabriel isn’t sure how to respond.

“I like like you,” Sam says. Then quickly changes the topic. “Can I tell you a secret?” Sam pauses and looks at Gabriel waiting for approval.

“Of course,” Gabriel responds.

“I was born with a girl’s body, but I’m a guy. My brother and uncle seem to agree with me, but my dad tries to tell me otherwise. It’s called being transgender.”

“Oh,” Gabriel once again doesn’t know how to respond. He always had suspected Sam was trans, but he never brought it up because he didn’t want to seem rude.

“Is that ok?” Sam sounds a bit scared as if he’s waiting for a rejection of some kind.

“Yeah, it’s fine with me,” Gabriel responds sincerely.

“Oh thank God!” Sam throws his hands up and lets them fall again. “I’m glad you aren’t like my father. He wasn’t nice about it at all. He would hurt me when my brother wasn’t around. He would say he was beating the tranny out of me.”

Gabriel feels his heart drop a bit. His family might have not gotten along well, but at least his father just left and didn’t hurt any of them physically.

“He also umm.” Sam stumbles off. “Nevermind it’s not important.”

“Sam what did he do?” Gabriel wants to pull it out of Sam. “It’s ok you can tell me.”

“Nope. I’m not going to tell you.”

Gabriel knows how stubborn the human is. If Gabriel really wanted to, he can read Sam’s mind, but he doesn’t want to.

“Come on Sam,” Gabriel prompts.

“Gabriel I love you, but I am not going to tell you.”

“Wait you love me?”

“Well duh. I have for a while. I’m just a useless gay who can’t flirt to save my fucking life.”

Gabriel’s heart rises again. Sam loves him.

“I love you too.”

“Really? No lies or tricks?”

“Yes, Sam no tricks.”

“Or lies?” Sam repeats himself.

“No lies,” Gabriel promises.

Suddenly there is a Sam in his face and is kissing him. Gabriel kisses him back before remembering that Sam is drunk.

Gabriel breaks off the kiss. “Sam please not right now. You’re drunk.”

Sam nods slowly. “Makes sense.”

“We can kiss again when you get sober, ok?”

Sam nods. “Okay.”

“Do you want me to grab you a blanket? I’m going to go back to my apartment.”

“If you want to.”

“I will.” Gabriel gets up and heads towards Sam’s bedroom. And grabs a blanket off the bed. It’s a very light blanket, and Gabriel makes a mental note to get him a heavier one. When he returns to the living room Sam is passed out.

Gabriel smiles fondly at the human. “Night kiddo.” He places the blanket on Sam and leaves the apartment quietly. Using his angel grace to lock the door behind him.

#jotne #prompts #sorry this took me like forever to write #i was writing it then sort of forgot about it #long post #my fic #trans!sam

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neioo · 5 years

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Fanfic Rec! ( • ω • )

Rules I’m constraining myself to: I’ve either had to read the fic more than three times and/or have thought about it years in the future. (This means I’ll have to leave out some other fics I really enjoyed reading and thought were well written)

A bunch of different fandoms will be under the cut! (as I expose what I ship across the board too lol)

We’ll Meet Again by George deValier (usuk) (complete)

This is the first fic of george’s that I read, and I’ve read it multiple times, and it’s been integral in my shaping of characterizations within my own hetalia fics. I could include all of his works, but this one stands out the most. I also listen to the vera verse songs and get extremely nostalgic, so there’s that

WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred’s charms… just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war.

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue… by anonymous (pruaus) (unfinished)

This fic is odd in the sense that I found it while suddenly getting on a pruaus kick, during which I followed a bunch of pruaus people on tumblr. Eventually, I would find out years later that I was going to the same college as one of these people and become friends with them. So not only does this fic have a nostalgic tie to it, I find the story brilliantly written with wonderful characterization, though it is in a weird format.

Inspired by the film 500 Days of Summer, I’d really like to see a couple meet and fall in love, but eventually one (or both) ends the relationship because they realise it’s not working/they can’t imagine spending their whole life with this person/what have you. I’d really love to see how the relationship develops, with the happy times and the eventual bad times as it falls apart, and then the hope of finding love elsewhere.

Redeemer by CocoaCoveredGods (L x Light, Mello x Matt, Mello x Light) (complete)

I can’t tell you how happy I am that I found this fic after 6 or so years. I can’t tell you how nostalgic is makes me for my death note phase, remember when I would read this in my mom’s office, minimizing the fic on a laptop I hope she never checked. The writing is phenomenal. The format on this site is wonky, but doable to read. (I’m even reformatting it myself right now). It’s mostly everything I could have wanted in a death note fic; it even inspired my own very complex death note AU back in the day. In some alternate reality, I wrote that instead of AWH. I plan to maybe make a personal paper copy for myself of this fic I love it so much. It is on the level of George’s stuff on how much it means to me.

The story takes place *after* Death Note ends, although the main characters have not died. Here the Yellowbox Warehouse is essentially the pinnacle of L's 6-year long offensive against Kira, who believes L to be dead, when he really isn't. L faked his death, and proceeded with the case behind the cover of his three top heirs, Mello, Matt and Near. Kira himself doesn't succumb to his defeat, but is instead rescued at the last moment by his nemesis lover who decides that a more apropos end to the God of the New World is not death--but redemption, in the form of a new case and a 5th so-called Kira, that L and Light must bring down together... or risk losing everything. Yes, there is actually a plot LOL Buuuut, this puppy has yaoi and pairing's aplenty. LxLight and MelloxMatt are technically the mains, but when you cut straight down to it, this is a story about Light and Mello and how they go from hate to need, from enemies to lovers, and maybe even something more...

and indeed there will be time --orginally by lawlietismyfavorite, but they have since deleted their account :’( (the fic is still on AO3, though!) (L x Light) (unfinished)

I love death note, okay? After the beautiful live action series came out (the recent japanese one not that fucking netflix shit), I felt the need to read some fanfic of the series again, and I found this. HOLY SHIT. It’s a soulmate AU that goes through the plot line of the manga/show and fuck. Light is Ace?? The writing is so good??

L is the greatest detective of not only this century, but of six centuries. And then there’s Light.

Between the Lines by Klitch (Fushimi Saruhiko/Yata Misaki) (complete)

I’ve read this fic about 5 times and have accepted it as canon for this stupid show

The first time Yata saw him the kid was sitting in the corner of the cafeteria all alone with his bought lunch spread out before him, painstakingly picking out the vegetables and stacking them according to color and size.

Picking up the Pieces by SilverThunder (Fushimi Saruhiko/Yata Misaki) (complete)

I really like K. It’s a weird show, and it has copious faults. Maybe I just really like that the characters have so much potential, and this fic (as well as the one above) truly expands on that potential. This fic is an excellent exploration of these two character’s relationships, there’s just the right amount of angst. I’ve read it multiple times.

A whole year, gone from his head just like that - and how many memories could you fit in that time, anyway? It wasn’t a question Yata thought he’d ever have to ask, but with so many things changed between Saruhiko and himself, he wasn’t about to leave it alone.

It just sucked that the new world they’d built was still so easy to break.

to be first, to be best by kittebasu (chanyeol) (iwaoi) (complete)

haikyuu!! is odd for me because I don’t care about it anymore, but I really like this fic, and I’ve read it about 5 times. The characterization is on point, and the story is extremely well written.

Hajime is apparently something of a masochist, and as he stares down at the tie-dyed AREA51 T-shirt in his hands, he thinks“I’m totally in love with this asshole, aren’t I?”

Cat's Cradle by evocates (Fujioka Haruhi/Ootori Kyouya/Suoh Tamaki) (complete)

every new years eve, since 2011, my brother and I have watched Ouran High School Host Club. for the past 4 years, I have read and re-read this fic without fail in the days after

Kyouya had been able to see the red threads between people’s fingers since the day he was born. A song of fate, and the breaking of. Tamaki was a man who could never be predictable. Vague spoilers up to Chapter 63.

"Relationship Stuff" by arokitty, Ponderess (shinara) (complete)

This fic helped me realize I was asexual. It’s beautifully written.

"Relationship stuff" — that's what Yasutomo kept calling it on the occasions we discussed how things were going between us. He never failed to say it dismissively, as if it was an annoying plague he was forced to put up with. But even when I told him that he could opt out of it at any time, he did not pull back.

[lithromantic asexual Shinkai, aromantic asexual Arakita, quasiplatonic Shinara]

You Really Ought To Know by isengard (midotaka) (complete)

I really like this ship, and out of all the fics I’ve read of it, this is the one I adore the most (obviously enough to read it three times)

The Fates have an important message for Takao Kazunari.

A Gradual Fall by grassandcitrus (originshipping) (complete)

This maybe isn’t the best written fic, but it has a lot of heart, and for a ship that there is little content for, this fic served me well. It’s hard to write a realistic pokemon AU, but this feels grounded. For whatever reason, this ship still means a lot to me, so when I get in the mood for it, I’ll re-read this fic.

Meeting Wallace turned out to be a life changing event for Steven. He realizes that pretty early on. Other things, however, come with time.

The Punchline and the Resulting Silence by youremyqueen (thiefshipping) (complete)

from the author: “so i went ahead and wrote ygotas fic because, hell, if LK can record videos in which he vocally flirts with himself while playing video games, and then write gay porn about it, I sure as hell can write gay porn about it too.” yeah.

In which Marik destroys many household appliances, Bakura naps doggedly, and they sometimes pretend - with very little success - not to be in love. (YGOTAS, thiefshipping. ridiculousness meets poeticism meets more ridiculousness.)

Six Days As Boyfriends by sitabethel (thiefshipping) (complete)

I just really like this ship and I have since I was a 14 don’t @me

In order to avoid talks of arranged marriage, Marik convinces Bakura to trick Ishizu into thinking that they're in love.

The Longest Job & The Smallest Favor by emanthony (hisoillu) (complete)

everyone in like march-ish of 2018: omg in the new update of hxh illumi says that he and hisoka are engaged!

me having watched 10 episodes of hxh 4 years ago and having a faint idea of the series: who?

me: *looks up fanfics of them*

me: *finds these two*

me: *proceeds to read them 15 times and gets obsessed with the ship*

Illumi is forced out of the Zoldyck estate and seeks a living arrangement with an associate. He's not altogether pleased with it.

Hisoka is a floor master at Heaven's Arena and has the unexpected pleasure of spending time with one of his oldest acquaintances. He doesn't share Illumi's frustrations.

///

A sequel to the Longest Job, another HisoIllu fanfiction.

Hisoka and Illumi have been living together for six months now without much trouble. But when Illumi's youngest brother goes missing, Hisoka manages to make the situation just a bit too complicated and much more fun.

Lessons in Etiquette by KnockKnockBadminton (promtis) (complete)

I knew nothing about this video game but for whatever reason decided to look up fanfic for it after seeing some fanart, and then because this one was so well written, I, again knowing absolutely knowing about this video game or the series it’s a part of, binged the entire 164k fic in like two days. I’ve also re-read it and convinced my brother to buy the video game as a result. He refers to them as the “leather boy band” and sends me updates about his play through lmao

Begins in high school. From Prompto's desire to befriend the sullen, bullied prince blooms a relationship even the Astrals themselves could not have foreseen. Basically fills in the gaps from Brotherhood to the fall of Insomnia. Some liberties taken.

say it like you mean it by spaceburgers (takuleo) (complete)

Ever since playing the video game, I loved the dynamic between these two characters, and this fic is a wonderfully crafted and fun to read AU staring both of them.

Wherein Leo is a transfer student, Takumi is overly competitive, and they're doing Romeo and Juliet (but not as the titular roles).

#the hour i spent doing this was fun c:#miscellaneous #the fandoms are uh..#hetalia. death note. k. pokemon. yowyapeda. fe fates. hxh. final fantasy.#ouran high school host club which i know that's spelled wrong #haikyuu.. kurko no basket. and yugioh.#lmao that's a mixed bag #anyway \o/ feel free to check them out but i also made this for my own reference haha

4 notes · View notes

rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

Foundation You don’t like to show off your flaws. You skin color is an ivory of some sort. You hate acne/zits. You like wearing masks for Halloween/costume parties. You have a red undertone. Total: 2

Mascara You hate using black mascara; You’d much rather use brown. You have really long eyelashes. You’re very long & lean. You don’t open your mouth when you put on mascara. One of your favorite features about yourself are your eyes. Total: 1

Hairbrush/Mirror Combo Your favorite color is teal. You look in the mirror often. You brush your hair often. People have told you that you are handy. One of your favorite features about yourself is either your hair or face. Total: 3

Blush Your favorite color is light pink. You like using sparkles. Your favorite makeup maker is MAC. Blush is a part of your makeup ritual. You’re pretty girly. Total: 1

Eyeliner You actually hate eyeliner. If you use eyeliner, it’s black. One of your favorite features about yourself are your eyes. People compliment on your eyes a whole lot. You borrowed something from a friend & still haven’t returned it. Total: 2

I am: hairbrush/mirror combo

Section One - Dating Dated someone you didn’t have feelings for? Hooked up with someone to make someone else jealous? Cheated on someone? Dated or hooked up with a friend’s ex? Regretted hooking up with someone? Had a rumor spread that you hooked up with someone, but actually didn’t? Kissed someone who was a really bad kisser? Been told that you were a bad kisser? Slept in your boyfriend’s clothing? Slept in your boyfriend’s bed? Lied about dating or hooking up with someone? Got in trouble for public displays of affection? Hooked up with two people in the same day? Had a friend with benefits?

Section Two - Partying Have you ever been drunk or high? If not, have you ever been offered drugs or alcohol? If so, do you drink and smoke regularly? Do you remember the first time you were drunk? What about the first time you got high? Have you ever been to a party that was busted by the cops? Do you or have you ever smoked cigarettes? Have you ever taken Adderall, Ritalin, or some other kind of drug to get high? Do you get bad hangovers? Do you have a friend who ALWAYS throws the best parties? Have you ever thrown a party? Have you ever passed out or thrown up from being so drunk? Do you ever wake-n-bake?

Section Three - School Have you ever cheated on a quiz/test? Has your phone ever gone off in class? Have you ever done anything illegal on school grounds? Can you B.S. your way out of getting in trouble at school? Have you ever skipped? Did you write a fake note or have someone call in and pretend to be your mom/dad? Have you ever gotten caught skipping? Do you think one of your teachers is creepy? Have there ever been rumors at your school about a teacher and a student hooking up? Do you ever stick gum under your desk? Have you ever used a proxy to access facebook/myspace/xanga at school? Have you ever stolen something from school property? Do you secretly enjoy school? Has something embarrassing ever happened to you at school? Have you ever been to summer school?

Section Four - Internet Have you ever taken a picture of yourself specifically for Facebook? Have you ever said that someone took a picture of you, but you actually set it on self-timer? Is there someone who you always Facebook stalk? Do you ever wonder who Facebook stalks you? Do you know the password to any of your friends’ profiles? Have you ever logged on without his/her permission? Have you ever sent a friend request to someone just because you thought he/she was hot? Have you ever sent a friend request to someone who you thought was someone different? Do you/have you ever watched porn? Do you know someone who has ever made a fake profile to pretend to be someone else? Do you think you spend way too much time on the internet? Have you ever chatted with someone on webcam? Do you think internet stalking is fun?

Misc. Have you ever snuck out/snuck people into your house? Have you ever thought a sibling’s boyfriend/friend was hot? Would you hook up with the last person you texted? Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever lied to your parents about where you were? Do you/have you ever had a friend that you secretly hated? Do you have any regrets? Do you ever go commando? Do you like the size of your boobs? Are you comfortable with the way you look?

1 point Your phone has less than 20% battery You have a pink case for your phone Facebook app You have at least one picture of your pet I’ve got : 1 point out of 4

2 points You have a text about a store coupon You have more than 100 pictures Your ringtone is an actual song You have at least 1 reminder saved I’ve got: 5 points out of 12

3 points You have a passcode You used Facebook today You have an alarm set You’re using your headphone right now

I’ve got: 8 points out of 24

5 points Snapchat app You made a call today before 7 am Your recent text was to your mom The most recent text you have is from someone else I’ve got: 13 points out of 44

10 points You have 0 unread text messages You have a picture with your best friend You missed a call today Your screenlock picture has black in it I’ve got: 33 points out of 84

15 points You don’t have a smart phone You don’t have a note-taking app You have full battery You have less than 10 photos

I’ve got 33 points out of 144

0 notes

9087miles · 3 years

Text

A Tale of Two Cities (well, one city and a town) - A Cambridge mini break: Part 1 of 2

It is a rite of passage for every self-respecting gay man to read Tales of the City series by Armistead Maupin, or so I was told by a number of friends and lovers when I first came out and moved to the big city to find myself. I picked it up once and read the blurb. For some reason in my mind I kept confusing it with A Tale of Two Cities, the Dickens novel set in Paris and London in the lead up to the French Revolution. For that reason, and the fact that it looked like a pretty serious commitment (I’d seen the omnibus version at over 800 pages), I just didn’t bother.

It wasn’t until I met Tom, and we watched the DVD box set of the 90s TV adaptation, that I sat up and took notice. The story of Michael “Mouse” Tolliver and his journey from a dusty country town to 1970s San Francisco to find himself, love and acceptance; what’s not to love?! I bought the first three books from Planet Books in Mount Lawley (which felt appropriate) and burned through them in a couple of weeks. I was hooked and discovered that Maupin carried on writing the Tales story. The next three books were just as good and the folllowing three even better. The most recent one, The Days of Anna Madrigal, was released in 2014 - coinciding with our move to the UK.

Five years later, for my birthday in 2019, Tom got me the ultimate fan girl gift - a evening with Armistead Maupin, touring his autobiography “Logical Family”, at the Cambridge Corn Exchange in October. That is where this particular story starts.

Tom normally does the driving when we head out on a road trip but, because of where we live, Cambridge adds about an hour to the journey. We agreed to split the driving and stopped in Bicester and took the A40 through Oxfordshire. The midpoint was around Bicester services, where we stopped for a loo break and a mooch around. Services in the UK are not just a petrol station, but surrounded by a small takeaway food court and sometimes a retail complex. Bicester was a substantial size with even a couple of interesting shops. We wandered around a clothes shop and got chatting with the guy behind the counter. He was “fresh off the boat” from rural Australia and ended up living with a guy nearby. We gave him a few pointers on adjusting to the cultural differences. I admired his dismissive cockiness at some of the imparted advice. I recognised his hopeful goals based on preconceived notions of the country he had moved to, because it was exactly the demeanour I arrived here with. Not wanting to shatter his plans, we said goodby and got back on the road.

I did the second half of the drive, which was uneventful until we arrived in Cambridge. It just so happened that the weekend we chose to visit was a week before university started, so the streets were littered with the expensive cars of parents dropping their kids off to check in to their colleges and halls of residence. After missing the turnoff, I got frustrated that we had to drive about a mile before the traffic tailed off and I could find somewhere to make a park safely. We were stuck in a traffic jam and looped around, over the same picturesque little bridge twice. I gave up and turned down a deserted street, which got us a little deeper into the town. I would come to regret that decision, because I received a fine in the mail - the street was so quite because the whole stretch was a bus lane only.

We finally made it to the hotel to be greeted by a valet. This is not a normal part of the trip, but Tom had chosen the Hilton Cambridge City Centre because it was one of the only hotels he could find with parking, and I was glad to hand the keys over to somebody else to park the car. We unpacked our overnight bags and a suit bag (I like to travel with them even if I’m not wearing a suit, because it adds a touch of class) and checked in at the front desk. After we dropped our bags down, we headed out to explore a little bit.

Aside from the university, Cambridge is famed for punting (guiding a boat along a shallow waterway using a big pole) on the River Cam. It was October - chilly with a light drizzle - so we opted to mooch around the shops and even found a little artisan market. We bought a little earthenware milk jug and some other small bits and carried on to discover a beautiful stretch of shops old and new.

One of the shops was Laird Hatters and I was itching to go in and have a look. It was a men’s hat shop and contained floor to ceiling hats in all manner of colours and sizes. I zeroed in on the flat caps and baker boys and found and exquisite tweed baker boy with flecks of every colour in the rainbow. I tried it on for size and it was perfect. I took it to the counter and realised after the shop girl rang it up that we hadn’t seen any price tag. “That will be eighty pounds,” she said matter-of-factly. I gulped and looked towards Tom. He relented, saying that we were technically on holiday and reminding me that he had recently won £100 on a scratch card. The girl wrapped the cap in a manner befitting such an expensive hat and we made a hasty exit. Back on the street Tom scoffed at the price and we carried on down the street. Further along, I picked up an Aleppo shaving soap and then we stumbled on Tom’s wekaness - Penhaligons. One of the UK’s oldest finest fine fragrance makers, I didn’t even realise that they had other shops outside of London. Realising how hypocritical it would be if I didn’t let him enjoy a frivolous purchase, I followed Tom in to be hit by a waft of Halfeti, one of the new range or Penhaligons’ offering... described by them accordingly;

So this is love. An intoxicating, mysterious fragrance: vigorous grapefruit, Levantine spice and rose tangle in the moonlight. But what’s that upon the riverbank? Could it be the fabled black rose?

Tom sniffed what felt like a thousand testing strips and settled on Marleybone Wood, which contained a heady mix of woody spice. Caught up in the olfactory revelry, I perused their sale shelves and picked out a Bluebell Wood bath oil to use when we got back to the hotel. Since we moved into our new place (which only has the room for a shower) I relish every opportunity for a bath. It has become a stipulation when we book any accommodation.

Back at the hotel we relaxed in the room before we had to get ready. I ran a lingering bath and put in a tiny drop of the bath oil. I left the bath to fill and went out to get a towel and my phone to play a bit of mood music. When I returned the room was full of the delicate scent of the bluebell wood. I was transfixed and transported as I slipped into the bath.

By the time I had emerged from the bathroom, there was barely enough time for Tom to have a shower before we had to leave for dinner and the reason we were visiting - the talk with Armistead! Tom tried to book ahead, but there were no bookings in time before the show. We decided to risk it and see what we could find out on the street. I slipped the tickets and a card I’d written (I’ll get to that later) and we left the hotel.

There were stack of places, but we spent so much time choosing, the window for eating was very small. We agreed to have a beer, go to the show and get something afterwards. We stopped in at a little pub with just enough time for a pint and a chat before we rushed around the corner to the venue.

Inside was exactly the crowd you’d expect at the queer literary event. As I looked around the room I felt underdressed, even in my garish red velvet top and collarless jacket. We ordered a beer from the bar, bought a copy of the book and perched for a bit of people watching. Not long after, the bell rang and Tom rushed to the bar to grab another couple of beers for the show.

The interview was enthralling. Although based around Maupin’s memoir, the event was also peppered with questions (both from the interviewer and the audience) about the characters, Maupin’s recent move to London to escape Donald Trump and his take on Silicon Valley ruining the charm of San Francisco. There was reference to an upcoming Netflix series and a lot of talk about Barbary Lane, the big old house that the characters lived in and where a lot of the action of the first three books takes place. Barbary Lane was the place Mouse found his “logical family” (as opposed to his biological one), which was also the name of the memoir. Armistead read a chapter from the book; a racy story about his first sexual experience with a navy man.

It was announced that there was a signing afterwards, which meant we politely jostled our way out of the theatre, books in hand, to find a long line snaking through the lobby. By the time we got to the front of the line I was feeling giddy, partly because we’d downed three beers in quick succession on an empty stomach, but mostly because I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I meet an idol. I thin it comes from the fear of looking like an idiot in front of somebody I respect and look up to - like the time I lost my words in front of Nigella Lawson (Tom still takes the mickey out of me for it!) This was part of the reason for penning the aforementioned card ahead of time, which gave me the ability to get my point across. Inside it said something like, “Thank you for your writing - it changed my life and shaped me as a gay man”. Or something like that. In front of Armistead I felt a bit sheepish. He was sat there politely smiling, having just been grilled for a couple of hours by the interviewer, plus about another hour subjected to gushing fans previous to me. I thrust the card at him and apologised for its content. Although I meant it, I realised that it is probably the same sentiment everybody expresses. I did mention that the artwork on the card was one of my felt pieces, which seemed to impress him. He signed our books and we posed for a photo, one of us either side.

Thanking him again, we went out into the cold night air. Realising that Cambridge had shut up earlier than expected, we wandered around trying to find something before retiring to our room and ordering room service.

To be continued...

#stories #Cambridge #armistead maupin #ricky #tom

0 notes

transbcyfriend · 6 years

Note

Every Question >:3

well Shit ig now bc i’m Required By Law to answer these i gotta

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

yes – and god am i grateful.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

i mean i’m 18 so uhhhhhhhhh yeah

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

…yesterday? the day before?

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do it all the time at work so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i wouldn’t say mad.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

too many to count!

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

a legend of zelda hoodie and a wild patterned set of lounge pants from pink republic. i haven’t changed in several days i’m uh Sick

8. How often do you listen to music?

if i don’t do it every single day it’s scientifically proven i’ll shrivel up and die

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans. jeans definitely.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

it did at the time, and not for the better. fuck that shit

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

mmMMMMMmMMM depends on the situation?? if i’m like clocked in at work, if i’m somewhere i actively enjoy, or on The Web™, i’m social, but otherwise i don’t rlly interact with ppl hnfngnf

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

not yet.

13. What about ‘R’?

nope!

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

can i get a FUCK NO

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

depends on the person. someone i’m close to and like? yes. someone who i’m not close to and dislike? nah.

16. Are you going out of town soon?

nope.

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmMMMMMM a few days ago? few days ago.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yes.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

HMMMM y’know i don’t think i would, mine are like ?? hazel and ppl make comments abt them being diff colors n shit in certain lights sometimes and i Like That so

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

in fact, yes! i would uh Die For Him

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

i’m sick and can’t breathe

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

YOU KNOW I BE ON THAT GAY SHIT !!!!!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

nope

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a wooden chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

yep!

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

oh yeah. god yeah.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

@lazybones25

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no, not rlly. last time i got sick was … sophmore year of hs? junior year? i don’t remember.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

it was a gift from my buddy bri

30. Does anyone hate you?

there’s at least one i can think of off the top of my head, soooooo yeah

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

noooo, me? drink? me, a consumer of alcohol. ur pullin’ my leg, i don’t drink

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

i’m just Meh on it bc most movies nowadays are so played out and predictable that they’re just not scary to me

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

kinda, yeah. it’s an on/off want, still deciding.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

just one? fuck. any of the years between being 13-16.

35. Did you have a dream last night?

actually i did! i had a dream i lost my job bc one of my managers was in a bad mood and was basically like “well u should’ve thought more abt your career than ur education, ur fired since u wanna go 2 college, can’t change ur hours”

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

few hours ago.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

mmmm … unlikely.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

yep.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

i’d hope so! don’t gotta be, but it’d be cute and i’d Like That

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

it was ok – i spiraled into being sick, but it was ok

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

yeah

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

unlikely.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yep.

44. What’s the best part about school?

mmm mM MM prolly just making friends w/ ppl in ur classes. that, and just how chill the professors are.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

fun fact – i don’t have a facebook.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

fuck yeah my guy

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

way too often

48. Were you single over the last summer?

nope.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

absolutely not and god i’m rlly happy abt that

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

looking when college classes start again but i Don’t Wanna

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

i’d be lying to ur face if i said yes

52. Are you nice to everyone?

i try to be – some ppl tho, i just. can’t. there’s reasonable salt.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yep!

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

i’ve done it before, i don’t see why not.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

when the situation calls for it, i’d like to think so

56. Do you think you like someone?

mhmm

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ��J’?

…… y’know i don’t think i have! that’s surprising i’ve kissed a lotta ppl

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

tbh p much the only ppl i tend to never rlly make friends with are cis guys. there’s rare exceptions, but the vast majority of my buddies are either cis girls or trans/nonbinary/etc.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yep – a few of them. not many, but a few.

60. Do you hate anyone?

i wouldn’t say hate, but there’s a couple of ppl i severely dislike.

61. How’s your heart?

atm? better. better than usual, i’m rlly glad abt that

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

anytime from being 12-17

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

yeah.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

i ain’t gonna say names buuuuuuut Someone I Know

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they’re painted a dark wine red actually, i uh got bored

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

best decision of my life, if anything

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

from my own Personal Experience, kinda? i mean every person i’ve been w/ kinda likes it bc it’s like, i’m letting my walls down and letting them in, so i mean ig

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

thankfully no!

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

@lazybones25

70. How do you look right now?

surprisingly decent for feeling icky

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

just two – but i’m content w/ that.

72. Can you commit to one person?

under the right circumstances, ya – otherwise i gotta dip

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

my roommate @stasiroowho

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

can i get a Hell Yeah and It Hurts

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, i just woke up wanting attention and feeling Blah

76. Are you a jealous person?

hhMHMhmMMHMHM depends ?? ? ? if we’re talking from a relationship perspective, like i don’t give a shit if the other person wants to like, make a shitton of buddies and like actually Have A Life, that’s good, but when it comes to like, romance specifically? then i’m just. m i n e

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

very rarely, but some are and god is it so fucking satisfying in every aspect

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

can i get a HOOYAHHHH

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to the apartment and uh Feed Cats

81. Last person you cried in front of?

do i rlly gotta @ my homeboi ash a 3rd time

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

in a good way or a bad way?

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

yeee – in a good way tho

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

probably either just chillin’ watching netflix and eating chips/popcorn, or gettin’ heated while also shotgunning that good good

85. Are you over your past?

CAN I GET A FUCK NO

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

just two! and two’s a good number, i’m happy w/ that.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

i’d immediately murder him on the spot. i’d still take the gifts off his corpse tho bc hey Free Shit

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

ya – i do trust that one, he made me breakfast one time so i wouldn’t burn my own house down, he a tru homie

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

uuuhhhhhhh-huh

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

highly likely

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

i used to! he was the Popular Kid™ back in high school, who fuckin’ knows where he’s at now

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

when i was like 4, yeah, we were each other’s childhood crush so uh shrugs

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope! things were getting heavy, but no relationship yet.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

absolutely.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

hmmmmmmmmaybe

97. Who do you have texts from?

in general? my mom, ash, 3 coworkers, one of my managers, my one tru buddy from the womb @infinitelycastiel, and my buddy lynette.

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

i mean ?? i’d b upset, i’d b depressed, i’d b a lil torn up abt it, but i ain’t gonna stop whatever happens from happening. not my choice to

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

ya – not too much older, but ya

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

AAAAAAAALL BY MY, SEEEEEEEEEE-EEEE-EEEEEEEEELF

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

fun fact: no

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yEP

#GOD I FUCKING LOVE ASK MEMSE BLESS U . .. .#tapirz #sanswers;;#i don't remember my ask replies tag hnnfgnf

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my-insanity-is-irrelevant · 7 years

Note

The same to you - all of them 🎃

200: My crush’s name is: Ryan, Eli, Claire, several others I cant name for complicated reasons

199: I was born in: 1997/a hospital

198: I am really: Intense weather in my calmness or excitement

197: My cellphone company is: T-Mobile

196: My eye color is: Light green

195: My shoe size is: 9 1/2 wide (i usually have to do like a 11 for high heals)

194: My ring size is: ??????? probably big I have chubby fingers

193: My height is: 5′ 6″

192: I am allergic to: nothing unless you count idiocy

191: My 1st car was: A blue 2007 Ford Focus and I LOVED her

190: My 1st job was: A server for Cheddar’s Casual Cafe

189: Last book you read: How to Ruin Everything by George Watsky 10/10

188: My bed is: A king with lots o’ pillows and blankets and is very comfy

187: My pet: 2 cats, 5 kittens, 6 dogs, 2 snakes, 1 bearded dragon, 1 leopard gecko, 4 turtles, 1 bullfrog tadpole, and bunches of fish

186: My best friend: is a boy i met a month ago because i have intimacy issues

185: My favorite shampoo is: Dead Sea’s Argon oil shampoo is so good to my poor dry curls

184: Xbox or ps3: I use an Xbox to watch Netflix but I don’t play video games

183: Piggy banks are: Cute decorations but go unused

182: In my pockets: $2, some lint, a rubber band, and something weird i took out of my dog’s mouth earlier

181: On my calendar: I have nothing written in it but it has cool pictures of bears

180: Marriage is: Cool because of the financial benefits but other than that unnecessary to prove one’s love. I want a wedding though because I want a pretty dress

179: Spongebob can: Make me hate my life a 3am

178: My mom: Died of breast cancer and smoked a lot of pot

177: The last three songs I bought were? I can’t remember ever paying for music but the last three i listened to are: Cherry Wine by Hozier, Strong As An Oak by Watsky, and San Cristobal by Mal Blum

176: Last YouTube video watched: A slam poem by Neil Hilborn called Liminality

175: How many cousins do you have? I have no clue? At least 10 on each side, but i’m sure there’s way more than that

174: Do you have any siblings? 2 older brothers, 2 older sisters, ans one younger sister

173: Are your parents divorced? They were never married

172: Are you taller than your mom? Nope! She was like 5′10′

171: Do you play an instrument? I can play hot cross buns on the recorder and thats the best i can do

170: What did you do yesterday? I slept and ate beef jerky[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: No, but i do believe in lust and infatuation at first site. I think love takes time to grow.

168: Luck: Yes like, as in karma

167: Fate: Catch me in the right mood and i do

166: Yourself: NOOOOOPE

165: Aliens: Yes

164: Heaven: No

163: Hell: Yes, it’s called Texas

162: God: Naaaaah

161: Horoscopes: I think they’re accurate generalizations

160: Soul mates: Yeah but not like the traditional; kind of way, i think we have lots of people we’re meant to be with in various ways

159: Ghosts: Yes and No i go back and forth

158: Gay Marriage: 100%

157: War:0%

156: Orbs: Idk what this is talking about but sure, ill root for them

155: Magic: No, Im a science gal[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153: Drunk or High: High, drinking gives me a tummy ache

152: Phone or Online: Online

151: Red heads or Black haired: Red heads

150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149: Hot or cold: Cold

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Apples

143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly

142: McDonalds or Burger King: Mcdonald’s

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate is the key to my heart

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heels: HIgh heels even though i cant walk in them

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and poor

137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Burried or cremated: Cremated, the idea of rotting creeps me out

134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing but im bad at both

133: Coach or Chanel: Idgaf

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: ??????

131: Small town or Big city: Big city

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Wal-Mart

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I hate Adam Sandler

128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure

127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas all the waaaaaay

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers, preferably potted

124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney i’m scared of roller coasters

123: Yankees or Red Sox: I dont sports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Its stupid and bad and i hate violence

121: George W. Bush: Okay, looook, i dig his paintings, okay???

120: Gay Marriage: gimme that shit i want that shit

119: The presidential election: I could be down for violence against trump

118: Abortion: everyone should have safe access to abortions, they save lives

117: MySpace: I never had one? Does it still exist? I may make one for fun?

116: Reality TV: i dont ever watch it, i avoid it like the plauge

115: Parents: Mine were grade A shit

114: Back stabbers: What goes around comes around

113: Ebay: I use Amazon

112: Facebook: Its filled with my racist family, i avoid it

111: Work: I watch my niece and nephew (twins) and i love it

110: My Neighbors: I don’t interact with them ever

109: Gas Prices: why so expensive pls give me break

108: Designer Clothes: catch me in wal-mart clothes i bough 4 years ago

107: College: I want but cant afford halp

106: Sports: no

105: My family: I love them but they fkn annoy the shit out of me with their political views

104: The future: stop.[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: My niece yesterday

102: Last time you ate: I am eating a bowl of mac n’ cheese right now

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: I saw my sister’s in-laws last week and i loooooove them! I made slime with the kids

100: Cried in front of someone: When i found out my ex was cheating on me like two months ago

99: Went to a movie theater: Went on a date with a cute boi like a month ago and w saw Baby Driver it was so good

98: Took a vacation: The only vacation ive ever took in my life was with my ex and his family to Florida last summer

97: Swam in a pool: Less than a week ago

96: Changed a diaper: Yesterday, i change them for a living

95: Got my nails done:last summer

94: Went to a wedding: My oldest sister got married last week!

93: Broke a bone: when i was like 3????

92: Got a peircing: two weeks ago i got my nipples done

91: Broke the law: this morning when i got high

90: Texted: Im texting cute bbs right now[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: My boi Ryan who is a fkn idiot i love him

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: I already left home and only miss having someone else cook and clean because my roomates are hopeless

87: The last movie I saw: The Last Five Years

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: When i can move far north and start a loving and respectful communist sex cult

85: The thing im not looking forward to: Getting up for work at 5 in the morning

84: People call me: lame

83: The most difficult thing to do is: exist

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: i sure haven’t i’m Safe

81: My zodiac sign is: Libra

80: The first person i talked to today was: Ryan

79: First time you had a crush: i liked a boy named Antonio in second grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: no one?

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Ryan last night when we said a stupid Ricks and Morty quote at the same time

76: Right now I am talking to: my cat Beatrice

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: probably cry a lot

74: I have/will get a job: working with kids!

73: Tomorrow: I will be very tired

72: Today: I am very tired

71: Next Summer: I will be very hot

70: Next Weekend: Im going to tie ppl up with rope

69: I have these pets: see 187

68: The worst sound in the world: A baby crying because they’re hurt or sad

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex inbox me for his url so you can tell him hes a meanie

66: People that make you happy: My nieces and nephews and also my bff

65: Last time I cried: last night because the damn dog was so cute

64: My friends are: amazing and deserve the world

63: My computer is: slow and bad but i still love her

62: My School: was down the road from a prison, which my mom was in years ago

61: My Car: is old and smells like my mom’s cigarettes

60: I lose all respect for people who: are racist, homophobic, sexist, trans-phobic, Islamophobic, anti-semetic, ect.

59: The movie I cried at was: the beginning of Guardians of the Galaxy

58: Your hair color is: Auburn

57: TV shows you watch: Game of Thrones, Criminal Minds, Sense 8

56: Favorite web site: tumblr.com

55: Your dream vacation: stargazing in Alaska

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when i fucked up my siatic nerve in a car wreck in January

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium-well

52: My room is: cold and messy and covered in kittens

51: My favorite celebrity is: Harry Styles

50: Where would you like to be: on a beach in Iceland with a person playing a ukulele

49: Do you want children: Only if i have more than one long term partner living with me

48: Ever been in love: Yes

47: Who’s your best friend: see 186 its Ryan

46: More guy friends or girl friends: no

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when my cat comes to me and just lays where shes barely touching me

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My best friend from high school who committed suicide

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no

41: Have you pre-named your children: I want to name my kid Coraline but id also like to do something not defined by a single gender?

40: Last person I got mad at: My sister because she left the dogs inside all day while i was at work even though shes a stay at home mom and so the poor things had accidents and no one was happy

39: I would like to move to: Canada

38: I wish I was a professional: mom[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: white chocolate truffles

36: Vehicle: vintage beatles

35: President: Alexander Hamilton

34: State visited: Florida

33: Cellphone provider: ?????

32: Athlete: ?????

31: Actor: Nat Wolf

30: Actress: Maise willams

29: Singer: Radical Face/Hozier

28: Band: Bad Books

27: Clothing store: Wal-mart

26: Grocery store: Joe-V’s Smart Shop

25: TV show: Game of Thrones

24: Movie: Swiss Army Man

23: Website: see 56

22: Animal: Monitors

21: Theme park: i dont do theme parks

20: Holiday: Halloween

19: Sport to watch: does Yuri on Ice count?

18: Sport to play: no

17: Magazine: i don’t read magazines but i heard Teen Vogue is doing wonders

16: Book: The Kite Runner

15: Day of the week: Wednesday’s Child is Full of Woe

14: Beach: wherever i was in Florida

13: Concert attended: Warped Tour 2015 there was a band called Onwards ect. it was so good

12: Thing to cook: homemade flour tortillas

11: Food: Cheese enchiladas

10: Restaurant: This cute little place named Marianne’s thats down the road from my house she makes the best tamales

9: Radio station: 94.5 The Buzz

8: Yankee candle scent: Clean Linen

7: Perfume: i dont

6: Flower: Lilies

5: Color: pink

4: Talk show host: Steve Harvey

3: Comedian: John Mulaney

2: Dog breed: Pit Bulls

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? 100%

#ask #nydcreep

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clemency-for-the-heathen · 7 years

Text

‘To know and not to act is not to know.’ - Wang Yangmin

I’ll try not to repeat myself. I forced myself asleep as soon as I sat down on the plane to China Wednesday night, to banish the pulsing headache that was making me retch, and when I woke up we were about to land and it was 3 p.m. the next day. I was meant to be going to Tianjin, but that’s not where we landed. It turned out I had to transfer. It wasn’t specified during the booking process, it didn’t say on the ticket, the scarlet-nailed thick-as-a-pig-shit fake-tan bitch who checked me in at Gatwick didn’t tell me, and the stewardesses didn’t know whether I had to collect my luggage and re-check-in. It was then that I met a 21 year-old Chinese girl who’d been in London for a month and whose name I couldn’t pronounce, also bound for Tianjin, and she sorted out everything. Before our next flight she spent 3 hours teaching me Chinese. Explaining the 3 characters that comprise ‘airport terminal’ took about twenty minutes in itself. Why was I learning about arable farming in school instead of this? Out on the runway, the dusk was rose and dust, the land flat past the mind’s eye. When I got to Tianjin it was 9 p.m. and I had a sleepless 11 hour wait in the deserted airport without food. I read and thought and watched the night disappear hour by hour. China is a scary place and no one ever talks about it. Three times I had to stand around and wait whilst they called the airline to check I was really traveling on to Korea. Mate, why would I be trying to sneak into your shithole country? When I landed at Incheon, it was approaching midday on Friday and the sky was powder blue.

One of those big luxury purple buses took me back to Bundang - Jeongja specifically, right on the river, an affluent area I’d rarely frequented in the past. Sarah was waiting at the bus stop, a merry and porky South Carolinian in her early thirties who’d been responsible for hiring me. She took me to our nearby apartment complex. My room was on the 10th and top floor, freezing from vacancy but decent - wouldn’t have mattered much anyway, for the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. She let me stay in her cramped place all day sucking up wifi, watching Netflix and eating junk until showing up again at 8 with her 10 month-old baby and her husband, Tom, who was from Taunton. They’d actually both been to Portishead last year to get fingerprints done for visa applications at the Police HQ. Tom spent an hour telling me about his trip to North Korea a few years back and I spent an hour asking him questions relating to it. That’s my next destination, without a doubt, one hundred percent (to visit, not to live). Sarah stuffed an air-mattress, blankets, and a a plastic basket full of cutlery, detergent, and household cleaning products into my arms, and I went up to bed.

The next day I had burgers with them and Anthony, a giant body-building black guy (coworker, just like Tom and Sarah) who’d thrown his back out deadlifting stupidly heavy weights and could barely walk. If anyone had any beef with him, then was the time to strike. All three of them spoke less Korean than Chris, who’s been here three times for an aggregate total of about a month, which disgusted me, but they were all so funny and friendly and interesting and I was thinking, Don’t give me more grey areas, life, please. Their baby was eating macaroni cheese; the sight was revolting and cut down the half of my appetite that the jetlag hadn’t.

After lunch, in a fugue state from that very same horrendous jetlag, I walked down the river to Seohyeon, where the language exchange centre I first learned Korean at is, for one of my six goals this year is to sort my Korean out by studying with a man. The centre was beset by gloom what with all its East-facing windows, and empty but for one Korean man in his twenties sat studying alone. He introduced himself as Tony, and said that he was also looking for a language exchange partner. Oh serendipity, you little cunt, only showing up when you’re not prayed for, like football miracles and cool funny women with eyes so pretty I could kill myself. Just one thing: Don’t fuck me, Tony; don’t you ever try to fuck me, I successfully resisted the urge to say.

I don’t remember how I spent the Sunday, but all of last week I had training, which meant sitting in on Sarah’s classes and teaching parts of them. All you have to do is follow the syllabus, standing beside the interactive screen, having the children perform videos in front of a separate green screen at the culmination of each chapter (weekly or fortnightly). The marking is time consuming but effortless. I met the boss, Minnie, a scrawny women presumably named after her round protruding ears, who had that strange empty affability that suits labour camp leaders just as well as it does businessmen. I ended up going to immigration three times in five days, a nauseating Eastern Blocesque abomination 90 minutes away on the subway staffed by utter utter cunts (I know I say cunt too much, but if there ever were a bunch of cunts, it’s at Omogkyo immigration) thanks to her fuck ups, first not booking an appointment, and secondly booking the wrong one. It became apparent that Sarah was the actual boss, had hired me, was training me, had worked in other academies connected to this in China, Japan, and Malaysia, spoke to Minnie with the freedom of a Shakespearean Fool. For instance, Minnie came into the room and asked Sarah to finish some reports by the end of the day. Sarah replied, ‘Nah I don’t think I’ll be doing that.’ Minnie’s face went blank with seething consternation for a good two seconds before she clocked that Sarah was joking, at which point Sarah broke into her Southern cackle.

A man came with a bed and constructed it for me; a man came with wifi and installed it for me. I’m borrowing a bike off of Anthony for six weeks until the girl he’s already sold it to comes back to Korea. I bought a TV in order to use my Mac from an American girl for thirty dollars thanks to a Facebook group called Bundang Buy and Sell, which I’d never been able to use before, as I’ve never technically lived in Bundang. She’d told me to meet her at Seohyeon station, and that she might be a bit late. She was an hour late. Her apartment was 800 or so yards from the station. The TV was huge and weighed about five kilos, the transformer I needed in order to use it that she hadn’t mentioned weighed about ten. Encumbered to an infuriating degree, I waddled back to the station like a gullible cunt, sweating through my jacket and swearing through my teeth a serpentine hiss of fuck, fuck . . for fuck’s sake … for the love of fucking Christ. Why? Why? What did I expect for thirty dollars. However, her apartment was small and filthy, and I felt staggeringly fortunate by comparison, and not only because the attractive woman in the apartment across from me walks around naked every morning with the shades drawn up. I noticed by chance, but what am I supposed to do now that I’ve noticed, not look? Come now. She must know what she’s doing. She must know.

Got shouted to halt by a policeman who caught me jaywalking. I was so annoyed at Korea having adopted the stupidest of American offences that when he came up to me I belligerently said, ‘What?’ He pointed to the traffic light and said, ‘What colour is that?’ like a patronising school teacher with a hard-on for authority. ‘Red.’ ‘So don’t cross.’ ‘But I’m late.’ ‘Don’t be late.’ Yes sir, sorry sir. Next time I’ll make sure you’re not looking, sir.

I met Tony last weekend for our first language exchange session - an hour of Korean, an hour of English. His English is already fluent so there isn’t a lot I can do except help him to sound more natural. He’s been going to the language exchange centre for 4 years and somehow we’d never met, though as it happens my friend Brian who’s back in America right now knows him. He’d helped Brian get a suit fitted last year. I told Tony that Brian had described him as a ‘playa’, at which point he held up his left hand to show me an engagement ring. I asked him why he’d stopped ‘playing’ and he told me that it was because he’d met a girl who likes to get up early and exercise every day. I thought, Jesus Christ, yeh, that’ll do it. So he’s two days older than me, already engaged, has some lucrative job to do with clinical trials in Gangnam, and dresses immaculately as a gay - in short, puts me to shame, even though that’s not the life for me. He confessed that actually he thought I might be gay, seeing as when I first met him I’d specified I wanted to study with a man. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. I said, ‘But even if I were, why would I have presumed that you were gay too?’ He said, ‘Good point.’ With regard to my Korean ability, he thought it was really ok, better by a mile than most foreigners he’d met, but said that lots of bad habits have been allowed to get engrained from studying by myself for so long. As a consequence, we spend most of the time working on my pronunciation and the cadence of my speech, which is a horribly humbling process but only because its happening three years later than it should have.

My confidence is being boosted, on the other hand, by all the things I have to do alone, not having a girlfriend to thoroughly administrate my life anymore. I had to go into the phone shop and explain my situation and get my phone reconnected; I had to instruct the moron wifi installation guy on where to install it in the room and why; I had to go back to my old climbing gym today and rejoin as a member. They remembered me and asked where my girlfriend was. I explained that we’d broken up before traveling. They recognised me as a man no longer suffering GBH of the ear’ole and it seemed like we could have a fresh start, having never really been in the mood to make friends with them before. On top of all this, my ego was tested at the hagwon when I was advised by Sarah to pretend not to speak any Korean, because if Minnie cottoned on to me being even halfway decent, she’d try to make me do phone conferences with the mums.

Korean tutor - found; climbing gym - rejoined; hapkido - impossible, at least for the time being, since Master Kim no longer teaches past 9 p.m.; football - found and joined a team of ex-pats and Koreans that trains 25 minutes south of me on the Bundang subway line. My stint in Korea was put in perspective when I found out the ginger guy from Sheffield who’s captain and his Irish best mate have lived here for 9 years and one of them’s got a car. Considering I’ve not played with anything close to regularity since my teens, and laden with clunky running shoes, training went alright. Out of the twelve there, I’d say I was probably the fourth best overall. Twenty people showed up to the first game this weekend, though the captain told me that’ll fast shrink down to the low teens. Half the starting lineup are Korean, and none of them were at training in the week, nor apparently ever come. I think it showed, but the other team were so shit we won 5-0 anyway. I was quite abysmal for the duration of my 30 minute runout in borrowed boots at left wing forward, but I think I’ll soon shake the rustiness off. I also think there’s a place up for grabs in the midfield trio alongside the reliable captain and this short fat Korean guy who no one forces to lose weight or stop smoking cigarettes at half time because he’s got the first touch, vision, and intelligence of Zinedine Zidane.

Working on my novel and a sub 1 hour 20 half marathon - these pursuits are reserved for the mornings, my droogies. I’m getting up as early as I can and staring at the naked Korean woman for as short a time as possible, and then I get cracking. With all my stress and resentment channeled into my job, which really isn’t bad (one class was a nightmare, conducted by four wild rude arrogant boys, but Anthony came to my rescue, having suffered at their hands during his first month a few months back. I was to stare at the rudest one for as long as it took for him to stop grinning and mouthing off and eventually cry, and that would break all four of them. ‘You’ve gotta nip this in the bud now, man, or you’ll be suffering for a year,’ Anthony said. God was he right. From this day forward, I will be someone who nips things in the bud.), the hopelessness, depression, regret, and lack of appetite that have marked my last twelve months or so is really starting to drain. The sky is frequently blue and the food is oh so tasty, but that can’t be presumed to be enough. To keep them away, I’ve written five rules on five post-it notes and stuck them to my fridge:

1: Do not concern yourself with that which you cannot change and/or does not matter.

2: Exercise every day.

3: Write for at least two hours every day; read for at least one.

4: Do not dwell on regret. If you learned from it, then that’s enough.

5: Do your best to make that which is not enjoyable as enjoyable as possible.

I look at them every morning. This might be considered a pretty cliched thing to do, but then again one of the important points David Foster Wallace was making with his titanic Infinite Jest is that Postmodernism has a lot of orphans to answer for, that its irony and chaos and catatonic realism are redundant, that saying, ‘Oh how banal,’ to anything remotely sentimental or ‘cliched’ in an emotional sense no longer gets us anywhere and perhaps never it. That’s why I eventually decided to also affix on post-it notes to the wall by my bed the story of the two wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. ‘A fight is going on inside me,’ he said to the boy. ‘It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.’ He continued, ‘The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

If you’re wondering why this blog is called Clemency for the Heathen, it comes from one of my favourite speeches in all literature, delivered by the Judge to the kid in Blood Meridian: ‘There’s a flawed place in the fabric of your heart. Do you think I could not know? You alone were mutinous. You alone reserved in your soul some corner of clemency for the heathen.’ The more I think about this book, the higher the regard I hold it in. It’s up there with the best of the best of the best, sir, with honours. The heathen in question are threefold, as far as I can surmise, but what’s most amazing is that to my mind the line could be levelled at any human being (you have to read Blood Meridian, have to have to fucking have to). Anyway, Clemency for the Heathen has been the title of the novel I’m completely rewriting ever since luscious Nicaragua.

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