#my thoughts on the matter are very trans
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IS THIS YOUR FACE
#my thoughts on the matter are very trans#but aren’t mirrors inherently body horror#flipped image (both perfect and imperfect) shows you exactly what you are except it doesn’t#but also. a mirror shows you the shape of the only part of the world you have control over#but ALSO. is recognition or judgement the most important part of seeing your reflection#man#alan wake 2#alan wake#alan wake fanart
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so as a former employee of RMS Titanic Inc, I have some thoughts I need to get out about this whole current situation, or I will literally explode.
for context, I worked for RMST Inc. for a year and a half as a tour guide and artifact specialist. The company owns the salvage rights to the wreck site, and partners with Oceangate and other companies to retrieve artifacts. the artifacts are used for educational purposes only, in the museum that I worked at, although they weren’t above selling little bits of coal from the Titanic in stupid little tchotchkes like snowglobes and hourglasses.
i dedicated so much of my life and passion to that company and that museum and was treated like absolute dirt lol. and I didn’t even get the worst of it, I had friends and coworkers whose safety and wellbeing was consistently disregarded for the sake of profit, fighting desperately for corporate to stop pretending to care about the legacy of Titanic when all they really cared about was making money
so despite my initial shock at reading about what was going on with the missing submersible, I can’t say I’m surprised. This is what fucking happens when you cut corners and put profit over everything else. If only there was some big historical event that we could look to that would show us just exactly how dangerous that can be... oh wait.
Jack Thayer, who was 17 when he survived Titanic, said that “the world woke up on April 15, 1912″, which pretty much sums up how SURE people were in 1912 that they would never make those same mistakes again. They realized had gotten complacent and swore things would be different. They enacted safety laws, pointed fingers at survivors, created conspiracy theories to try to explain what happened, all out of fear of it happening again. And yet, history always repeats itself
and now people are fucking OBSESSED with the Titanic, they find it fascinating, they won’t fucking leave it alone, and the company I worked for, and Oceangate, and others, capitalize on that because they’re greedy and want to make money off of it. all they care about is how to profit off of it. they PRETEND to care about Titanic but they don’t. They never did.
I also actually have a personal connection to one of the five members of the team in the submersible. I met P.H. Nargeolet at the event our museum did commemorating the 110th anniversary of the sinking, I spoke to him and heard firsthand some of his accounts of dives to the wreck site, I even took a picture with him. He cared, he cared so much about Titanic and its legacy, and so do I and so did so many of my friends I worked with. The company we worked for took advantage of our caring, it took advantage of how passionate we were about it in order to line its executives’ fucking pocket
I’m horrified, I’m devastated, I’m vindicated.
on the one hand, I hope this ruins them. i want to watch the company die. there’s a satisfaction in that. but the shitty thing is how much suffering has to happen for things to change. i just wish good people didn’t have to die to make change happen. I wish people cared first, before tragedy strikes. I wish our world wasn’t so fucked up and shit like this didn’t happen. But it did. And it does. And money won’t save any of those people any more than it saved John Jacob Astor or Benjamin Guggenheim, or any of the other rich greedy assholes who died on Titanic. I’m not celebrating their deaths. But I won’t ever forget who suffers the most. The coal trimmers and the stewards and the minimum wage guest service associates at the museum I worked at.
I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. But some of my best friends still do. And I don’t want them to suffer more because of this. All I can hope is that it enacts meaningful change that actually lasts. But I know that’s just wishful thinking.
#win rambles#this is very convoluted and not really... idk how much sense it makes i just had to get thoughts out#i don' thave a witty conclusion or a message or anything like that#i just want people to know how shitty our company was and i want you to know how much i loved that job and how much i cared#and how much people in the titanic community do care#i'm just tired of seeing posts and memes about it from poeple who don't know what they're talking about#the titanic community is full of shitty bigoted white men and people who fucked me over bc i'm trans#and fucked over my queer nonwhite neurodivergent disabled friends#but me and my friends are in the community too whether they like it or not and we care and WE matter#titanic#rms titanic
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Hi, it's lesbian week of visibility, and since i am gonna make myself visible and say what i think, men are awesome, they rock, no matter if trans, cis, gay, straight, queer. I love all men and they're awesome. And they don't get enough credit for how cool they are.
#i saw a post about this and i felt like i want to say this here too#i am a trans woman so i thought about this more than average person#but dont ever let anyone define your masculinity for you#youre perfect the way you are and you dont need to prove yourself to anyone#it doesnt matter youre not the strict definition of a man that has been very popular lately#youre still a man#ps i edited this post like 5 times to fix my English in it
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I am immune to vote blue no matter who propaganda i have like at least 8 intersecting marginalized identities and was introduced to how fucked up this country is through Trayvon Martin who is - was - the same age as me. I do not think evil people should win but I Have seen it's the ONLY time you actually see real, widespread solidarity and social progress in resistance to said evil people in power.
All of that immediately evaporates and everyone's left to fend for themselves again when Democrats get elected; I think white ppl in general should have a reason to be fearful again to gain a sense of solidarity that actually persists beyond election cycles. If that solidarity never takes root there's no hope for this country.
You have to love other people more than you want to win - meaning that if you're only fighting for or helping someone because you lost and not because you genuinely care about them, you're going to stop as soon as you win (i.e all the back to brunch liberals).
Then have the fucking gall to tell people you've shown absolute disregard towards (or even contempt for daring to have critiques or publicly articulating dissatisfaction with what dems actually (don't) DO with their power) to fall in line Every Single Election. The country's perceived safety is really only your safety, when you lose that safety it's really just like hey welcome to the circumstances Everyone else has to live with, are you going to help change that? Because we need help; electoral politics and voting for liberals are not going to save us.
#sorry just needed to get that off my chest#biden dick riders annoy me so much lol#but also just some thoughts on growing up coming to terms w how evil our institutions are then living thru a trump presidency and now this#╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭ communities will always have ur back so to a point i do feel like we'll be ok no matter what bc we have Each Other#but there is a very very large portion of the country that consist of very self centered yt ppl or yt-centric communities that don't show#enough solidarity w others. u have to care about black ppl you have to care about disabled ppl you have to care about trans ppl#you have to love others more than you want to win. you have to show up for ppl u want to show up for u. you gotta do more than only vote.
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Fucking hate that I can't even talk about a guy that I think is cool without somebody thinking I have a crush on that guy :|
#like i was out at our local bookstore with my friend and there's this guy who works there who is definetly some kind of queer (i'm pretty#sure he's trans)#and he's so cool!!!#like i once asked him if they had any neil gaiman books and he was really happy to show me and was like 'have you read good omens already?'#and then he showed me all the books they had and i just really like him because he's cool#and after my friend and i were out of the bookstore again i told her about that guy just because i wanted to but then she was like making#suggestive comments and idk i just don't like it#and then i have to defend myself but that just makes it sound even more like i have a crush when i Don't#hhhhhhh#like also when talking about male celebrities that i think are pretty or cool#i always try to tone it don't because i'm afraid people think i have a crush#and like not everyone knows that i'm a lesbian#but also why is that always the first thing people assume??#can't i just say this man is cool??#it's the amatonormativity#anyways#idk where i'm going with this post all i'm saying is#if i ever call a man on here pretty or say things similar to that then i am saying that from the comfort of my own room and i would never#ever want to be in a relationship with him#same goes for famous people in general#like no matter the gender#like i don't get that that's apparently a real thing#that people actually want to be with a celebrity or kiss them or have sex with them#like noooo please no#looking at them very cool very nice yes i love doing that#but ever actually doing anything in the romantic direction with a person you literally do not know?#why would you do that?#like yes i say that i'm in love with charlize theron but only as an actress#never in real life#lea's random thoughts
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bitching abt homophobia n shit at my job in the tags o7 happy pride
#so i voluenteer at a library n work there through a 3rd party job center over the summer. ive volunteered there for like 5 yrs so i know --#--the staff there p well#anyway yeah so like last year our pride display got taken down bc someone complained. our director didnt really contest this.#our pride display got taken down again. this time with the board threatening to cut funding if we put it back up.#no contesting yet again#its literally just the corner of a 3 sided display podium with some gay books or whatever#some guy comes in and tears up our lgbt author rec list. the director removes those as well#there r 2 bi clerks and one genderqueer clerk and me! the fag gopher and she still doesnt feel it pertinent 2 stick up for the ppl who--#work there#or maybe she does right? like i want to believe she does bc ive known her for 5 maybe 6 actually years. ive gone to christmas--#parties at her house. shes been someone i can count on before and yet here she is letting us all down#bc its not just me or the gay ppl who work there right its for the ppl in my shitty fucking southern town who have basic common decency#shes someone i thought was some kind of ally HAHAH...like that term feels lame but#.....yeah yknow?#she even said shed be moving picture books with gay parents and shit into a quote quote adult matters section into the juvenile section#i assume on request of the board bc obvs being trans or gay or whatever is of course an adult matter that will taint our beautiful little#tow headed bastards#we even had the guy who requested the pride display be taken down come in today and CHECK to make sure no faggy books were out#ive been very angry about it and i just need to ...spit it up somewhere. maybe a transformers blog isnt the best place for it but whatever.#sorry about my language lol.#shes my boss and its going to be a real issue for me bc she laughed saying id have to start cleaning bathrooms this year and i legitimately#--nearly had to leave the room. like haha really funny. glad you can laugh about shit. did you know im a fucking queer.
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Boots :)
Another Started As A Test Subject and now they're literally the only thing I ever fucking wear. Idk how well it shows in the pics but they are badly cracked and have been worn into the ground but like. Shoe comfy :(
Also the wings are a new addition! The inner ones slap against each other. Doesn't really bother me personally though so I'm keeping them as is 😅 Oh, and the laces are paracord!
#funnily enough these are also something i got at the beginning of my transition thinking 'oh yeah this is masc. surely.'#final tangent but this is why insane fucking terfs/transphobes who are like#'noooo don't transition what about our butches what about our tomboy gfs :(((('#i was literally never either of those things.#they are all so stupid 🥲 (for. a lot of very obvious reasons LMFAOO but specifically for that as well.)#but yeah i literally used fashion and artsy self expression as a way to cope LMFAOOO#and as a way to draw attention away from myself. despite. drawing SO much attention to myself.#seems counter intuitive and i won't argue w you there LMAOO it was to sort of just. be like.#look at my cute outfit :) don't. don't even think about the guy underneath them.#AND it was ALSO the only way i could somehow feel some semblance of self. cause i did truly love what i'd wear#and then i'd wonder why i'd break down crying at the thought of what i am without those clothes.#just? a girl? the idea gutted me and made me want to tear my skin off with my nails and teeth#but like. i'm sure this has zero implications about me. who i am. ect. and has nothing to do w trans thoughts i had in middle school.#time to pick a perfect outfit and get a good grade in Girl™ 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊#nowadays i just wake up put on a band tee and i'm just some guy. forever and always. it's so fucking cool#literally does not matter if it's a pants day or a shorts and tights day i'm just some guy. it's so fucking awesome 😎👍#for real even though i do still struggle w dysphoria some days worse than others i am so at peace.#i just wish everyone saw me the way i do. i literally cannot comprehend how anyone looks at me and goes#'ah....... a woman.' like. dude. for real? what are you seeing that i don't.#like bro!!! way not cool!!!! lame ass motherfucker!!!!#<- GSJSGSJ WAIT WHEN DID I USE THIS TAG BEFORE LMFAOO?? IT'S. SO FITTING HERE HAHAHAHA#anyways i was gonna say idk if i saw a motherfucker who's clearly striving for some androgyny#and a sick ass mullet no matter what immediately registers in my mind that i may have to correct later#i'm just. going to assume. they are some type of queer. and i am avoiding pronouns/gendered language#til they tell me 'oh yeah i'm :) and my pronouns are :)' and i'd adjust accordingly.#like idk that's so normal to me. what's not clicking for literally everyone else.#UGH ANYWAY i've been ranting and infodumping way too long i wanna get ready for bed now LMFAO#also if at any point you've looked at these pics and thought 'damn bitch you live like this'#yes. i know. i'm aware. i do live like this LMFAO 🫡😔#my projects
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saw art of pre-op trans masc viktor and jayce and immediately just started crying oh my god. not rbing it bc i lost the post through my tears and also bc it’s too much for me to look back on but holy shit, i love arcane artists.
#im pretty sure it was by hexhomos if anyone else wants to go check#danbles#arcane#i cant believe i never thought to draw it myself i need to get on that#if i can gather the strength to do it…#JAYCE IN A BINDER im sorry i cant im gonna start crying again#i dont even hc him as trans he’s so chronically cis to me but it doesn’t matter bc. jayce in a binder 😭😭😭#no im not done actually i’ll type this through my newly formed tears#pre-op shirtless viktor is just so good bc i literally cant imagine him as cis#so whenever i see shirtless art of him without top scars i just assume he had a rly good doctor#(the doctor was probably him)#BUT SEEING ONE WITHOUT SCARS BUT ALSO NOT CIS#opened my eyes blew my mind#it’s just so awesome bc he’s very skinny and would be pretty flat-chested already#so it rly shouldn’t matter#but just the tiniest detail it’s like. yeah.#real as shit.#in conclusion um. love in my heart and peace in the world ✌️
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i have the most insane fucking news
#fafsa got reprocessed they gave me a pell grant and my college saw that and gave me 20 fucking thousand dollars of grants#i’m in a special club now too with a special name for Scholars with Exceptional Financial Need#i fucking THOUGHT so. was terrifying when they gave me zero dollars and i am so glad it was a mistake#anyway i told my teacher this and he says it’s cause i manifested it….#i would say that my anxiety around the matter was not the kind of energy that brings in good things. but maybe i was secretly being positive#idk shdhdf it did arrive like five seconds after i decided i should commit anyway and figure out how to make it work#so then the universe said oh you’re actually gonna do it?? maybe i’ll save you from the hundred thousand dollars of debt actually#maybe college can be actually a possibility for you without ruining your life forever#so anyway everything is freaking incredible now and everything is okay#and i needed this. cause things have been getting worse and worse at home so like. positive news from an outside source is very much needed#i fucking knew i qualified for a pell grant and financial assistance i felt like i was being gaslit#they literally just miscalculated my family contribution. thought my dad must be funneling his income into something illegal cause we do not#have the money that the fafsa told me we did. but it was literally just fucking wrong and everything is okay#and my dad came into my room crying a couple days ago saying he wants to do everything he can to help me with my loans as soon as he’s done#with paying off his own or once they get forgave in a couple years. so arthur supportive father arc i guess. SHDHDHDF#that graph benji made about my dad getting less transphobic over time it’s coming true. guy put prefer not to answer in the gender section#of a form and he HOVERED OVER THE TRANS BUTTON. that’s insane coming from having screamed at each other about trans issues since before i#even knew that i was trans my dad and i had gotten in screaming debates about queerness and now he keeps saying weird stuff about how he#wants my life to be good. which is fucking baseline father behavior that’s what you’re supposed to get out of a dad but like. i have always#felt like i’m either drenched in expectations or that he just can’t wait for me to leave. so this is really good progress. and with the#financial aid that means that he’s actually going to be able to help. do you understand what this means my dad can help pay off my couple#thousand dollars of loans that are gonna be left over (cause now that they noticed i need aid it’s so fucking cheap) and do you fucking know#do you know what this means. i’m sorry for swearing i don’t know why i am. but what this means is. i won’t be in thousands of dollars of#debt when i graduate or i will be but the monthly payment will be so low and. i can get fucking top surgery is what this means. and go on t#i thought i was gonna be in so much debt that i couldn’t. but its gonna be like. a couple thousand dollars a year something insane like that#so foreseeably i could be getting top surgery by the time i’m 24. that’s insane i can’t even imagine#so anyway. just. everything is going to be okay and there’s actually hope in the world and i’m going insane#obviously saying this can very easily jinx me to literally never ever be happy. but i’m gonna take the manifesting route actually shdhdhf#my life will be So Good Forever. i Believe This Wholeheartedly. Good Things Will Come To Me#anyway i’m gonna run out of tags in a couple seconds but i really needed this you have no idea. i hope everybody is doing well
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got another person into granblue fantasy, an old friend B)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#from SCHOOL !! we were just acquaintances before the pandemic but then uhmm#like last year...? suddenly started dming. fun! anyways super nice#oh i realize they are gay and trans too (as umbrella terms) im not as alone as i thought i was irl. nice <3#yeah ... silly we haven't interacted irl yet we forgor how each other looks but also i found out today my friend in class from last year#remembers me as a friend and all uhm bcs my friend and her were talking about final fantasy... sniffs..... people remember me. wow#so yeah. and then uhm. yeah#THEY DID get into it sometime back but only now super properly i think... i won't be surprised if they don't get too into it though bcs time#and all lol! anyway right my dad uhhh..... oops.......... i forgor me and lune often have speeches relating to the lgbtq community#like the sogie bill should be passed or lgbtq struggles or stuff like that. same-sex marriage?#and they hear us very clearly. the walls are not very soundproof aha and once they were right inside. how fun#YEAH anyway my dad is hinting i think he'll support me and lune no matter what since we are family and idk he's cool i think#mom i'm worried about still but. yeah. i think i'll try to find the chance to come out to my aunt and maybe to her gay friend as well
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#aweks.txt#hate saying this bc it’s exactly what the hate anons from last night were aiming for but I do wanna die a lot rn FJSJFNSN#I always say if smth is justified fair enough and. no matter how ppl wanna keep saying that it wasn’t baseless. it really was#just because you can’t read doesn’t mean the rest of us relate to that too#i thought I was pretty clear but I’m not gna sit there and write out points about everything they said abt me while trying to give my#personal opinion on what I thought abt what they initially said#in their very first message they accused me of hating trans ppl and said ‘fuck you and her’ while going hard w the hate#then accused me of not being trans#then proceeded to weaponise their own identity bc I wasn’t playing into what they wanted me to act like#and I’ve been thinking abt it all night and I reached out to mutuals more educated than me to talk it out and such#people who are ACTUALLY from the communities the anons were claiming to be in#who said that it really was a huge witch hunt just for no reason#i get life is hard for everybody and it sucks but I can’t imagine hating myself so much that I go on anon to tell someone to fuck off and#then say that I’m glad I ruined their day#like that’s just. fucked up esp since you don’t know me#not to mention all the lies they told including that apparently they interact w me all the time which just isn’t true 😭 lol#anyways#all this to vent one final time and say that I’m gonna have anon off indefinitely#and just quietly work on my requests and my interactions with my mutuals :)#and just honestly to remind people that no matter how much you hate someone (in this instance me)#it doesn’t justify making things up about them or putting words in their mouths or generally making it your life mission to make their day#awful and then say you’re proud of it 😵💫 like I pity you. sincerely. i hope you find what you’re looking for in life and take a break from#the Internet bc you truly need it#everyone who was nice to me and dmed me I want to say thank you again and I really appreciate all your words
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hmmn. is it bad that i do not like genderbends in the slightest. like the ones that don't change too much about the character or oversexualize them is definitely an improvement from the usual. and i get that those who draw it don't intend it this way but also as a trans person who can't afford top surgery (and likely never will) i do not love seeing "girl version of [character]" where the only difference is giving them tits
#meeple.txt#again i do not pin the blame for feeling like this on the artists#but i dunno#i dont normally have dysphoric thoughts about my body particularly but stuff like that Sure Does Make Me Think Things About Myself#and also theres that lil worry in the back of my head#that my trans headcanoning amd drawing characters like loboto or sasha with no top surgery or anything#as a way of coping with the fact that ill likely never get top surgery ever in my life bc im poor as fuck#i worry sometimes that itll be mistaken for genderbend stuff . like its very unlikely but the worry is still there#and if it did happen itd be like 10 punches to the gut and make me twice as dysphoric#idk if any of this is coherent at all and i domt think it matters either#im rambling its kind of dumb#for blacklist:#vent#dysphoria
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So, I'm trans. And several years ago, I was at my great grandfather's funeral. 17, newly on T, barely out to anyone other than my close friends and family. And I'm standing there at the refreshment's table, surrounded by strangers and members of my family's church, when George walks up to me.
This man is ancient, bent like a finger and frail. Tufts of white hair surround his wrinkled face. Like always, he's wearing thick glasses, massive hearing aids, and his veteran's hat. George was my first introduction to the concept of war, when he told me as a child why he was missing two fingers on his hand. He's been a fixture at church since I can remember. I've only ever seen him at there or in uniform at parades, the rest of his time spent in a nursing home somewhere. He picks up a deviled egg and says, in his quiet voice,
"You know, before your grandfather died, he told me that now he had 3 grandsons."
I'm frozen in place. I don't know what to say to that, if I should say anything at all. This is not a conversation I expected to have, especially not with this man. But he continues.
"I didn't know what he meant! So he explained it to me."
And I can imagine it. My great grandfather, uninformed and opinionated but supportive, explaining to his friend the news he barely understood himself over after-service coffee and cookies. His eldest grandchild was now a boy.
"And, you know, I didn't know what to think."
Here, George looks me up and down. This 90-something year old war veteran, who knew me mostly as the little girl playing in the church kitchen with his wife, processing what my great grandfather had really meant. It feels like a long pause, even thought it probably passed in a second.
"But you look good. So, eh!"
And then he smiled, shrugged, and walked away without another word. If I was fine, if I was happier, then that's all that mattered.
George passed away this week, at the age of 99. This memory has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but I wasn't sure if or how I should share it. It was a conversation that meant very little, but also meant the world. It was scary, and funny, and the moment when I realized that sometimes the people you least expect will accept you. Sometimes, even if they don't fully understand, even if they barely know you, someone will choose to support you. And that will always matter.
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I'm watching a video essay about a game ive been interested in playing. The creator of the video, who has crossdressed multiple times, makes a "women arent funny" joke, and i suddenly realize ive never witnessed him acknowledge a woman in an uplifting way before.
I'm on a dating app for lgbt+ people. I've stated multiple times on my profile that i would rather lose an arm than recieve nudes without consent. I will be sent five dick pics for every 2 people i talk to that night.
I'm talking with my dad, who informs me he's been trying his best to learn about trans issues. He says the same things steven crowder brings up when trying to ridicule trans people. I gently but firmly correct my father and get told that ive been fed propaganda.
I'm on instagram, under the comments of a post ridiculing someone for being a misogynyst. Someone's left a comment saying "it must be hard being a woman on the internet" and i respond "it is." I will have every aspect of my appearance scrutinized as a reminder that no matter how well i pass, it will never be enough for someone with bad intentions.
I'm back on that dating app for lgbt+ people. I'm messaged by an attractive looking person, but i can see their partner prominently displayed in all but their main photo, oftentimes striking what im sure they thought was a very intimidating pose. Their bio says "looking for a third for our anniversary." I know that even if I did feel up to it, the gruff partner wouldnt approve of me because i don't pass.
I'm at a job interview for a clothing store. I tell the gracefully-dressed woman interviewing me that ever since i began my transition, i've discovered an interest in fashion, and that this job would allow me to dip my toes into the industry in a safe way. I'm told that i've reduced womanhood to a stereotype, and i can tell by her tone that i lost any chance at the job the minute she realized i was trans.
I'm at the same hospital i got facial feminization surgery in, trying to figure out what's wrong with my bowels. When the person behind the desk gives me a wristband with my patient info on it, i notice a single, lonely, letter M. I ask a nurse in private why it would say that despite me having changed it nearly a year prior. They say they have no clue, and bring in paperwork for me to fill out and have it re-changed again.
I'm living with my mom at the time. I'm new to transitioning, and decide to try my hand at voice training. It feels a bit off, but otherwise im feeling neutral toward the whole thing. I try speaking in this new voice to my mom and she laughs. Now, when people ask if i intend to voice train, i find speaking at all difficult for minutes after.
I didnt have some sort of grand message to convey by this. I just had a thought and then that thought spiralled into whatever the hell this became. Some, okay most, might call it complaining; they are right to do so.
#trans woman#trans pride#trans#lgbt#lgbtq#addies high thoughts#transgender#pre op mtf#post op mtf#mtf trans#mtf girl#mtf hrt#trans hrt#hrt#trans rights#transmysogyny
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I feel like kind of a bad person for this but a lot of the time I really feel like I would heavily prefer dating a cis man to dating a trans man
#pond.txt#like i feel like such a traitor lmao and obviously t4t is wonderful#I'd never like turn down someone i liked for being a trans guy; my last two meaningful relationships were w trans masc people#i'd very happily do that again but. But......#idk i just. i Like cis guys in a way that feels more charged and more... idk i miss cis men. sure they can't understand my gender#but neither can i lmfao i don't know how much that matters to me these days so long as i felt safe and wanted w my partner#i literally always picture myself w a cis man as my partner and i think i feel safer w one sexually idk#i have a definite preference for dick and i've got a condition that makes my uhhhh hole entrance hypersensitive#in a painful way. and with cis men i can grin and bear some rly painful sex until the nerves get desensitized and it's easier#but with my ex i like Panicked w the strap and broke down crying bc it hurt and i didn't feel safe at all bc they couldn't like#feel what they were doing and respond to my comfort or lack thereof by touch-sense#it's hard to say 'just a little bit at a time' to somewhere wearing a strap unless they're actually watching them enter you#and that's so like. clinical to me in that moment bc *i'm* not turned on enough to see it as like. sexy that they're watching#i'm just thinking about being viewed while in pain and it feels so vulnerable in a Wretched way. not hot and nothing to distract me#meanwhile i've trusted multiple complete and total strangers w the same thing and been able to get through to a point where#i can relax and enjoy sex after they've initially gone in. but i Loved my ex boyfriend and i couldn't bear to even let him try#idk. and i sort of love the relationship cis men have to gender (aside from the more toxic elements)#like i love the ease of knowing they're men. the comparative lack of thought. in a sense that's More like my gender than what most trans#guys i know experience. i've had Very little dysphoria compared to most. i just am like a guy idk. i don't think about it or care to#i just always picture myself w a cis guy:( i wanna cis boyfriend
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i have copied this comment without name because i think it is very kind and respectful and i do not want buckaroos interpreting it the wrong way. PLEASE UNDERSTAND this buckaroo is very sincere and has important points and please respect their way. i am going to answer in a way that is counter to their point and i do not want buds to go after them IN ANY WAY. THEY ARE PROVING LOVE AND THEY HAVE GOOD POINTS
okay here is what i have to say:
i have not transitioned and in this lifetime i do not expect to. i think you have a good point of 'how can you know?' and honestly i cannot know that is just how timelines and reality and perception work
HOWEVER i must caution against this train of thought slightly because what works for one buckaroos MAY NOT WORK for another. every time i talk about my non-dysphoric way there are plenty of well meaning buds, particularly fellow trans buds, who show up with posts in the tone of 'its only matter of time.' like i just do not understand yet.
this reminds me of bisexual buckaroos who are told 'you just do not know you are gay yet'. as difficult as it is to step out of our own dang minds, i implore buckaroos to accept that there VERY JOYFUL AND FULFILLED NON-DYSPHORIC TRANS BUCKAROOS who do not need to transition and never will and are healthy and happy without that. just like there are bisexual buckaroos who are not just on their way to being gay
a good way to look at it is like this: I LOVE MY MALE BODY. i think i am a very handsome buckaroo. i have masculine features in my muscle and height and frame. as far as how fate could have placed me on this timeline I WON MY OWN PERSONAL FOOTRACE. i am up on the podium and i am standing here with a medal around my neck. GOOD JOB CHUCK
HOWEVER when i look down i see that medal is silver. i am not going to lie and say it is gold. it is silver.
YES my gold medal is a female body. that is an objective truth to my trot. i believe my gender way is that of a women, but there is no part of me that is upset about where i have placed.
I GOT SILVER. i am not upset. there is no tragedy. in fact i am OVERWHLEMED WITH JOY not just to be on the podium but to be in this race in the first place. HECK YEAH I DID IT AND I GOT A MEDAL
of course this is not to dismiss the difficult journey of others. many do not feel the way i do and their trot is VALID. a dysphoric way matters and is important and these voices are important. they should be elevated and supported. i understand some do not share this podium imagery, and they feel PAINED by trappings of their body.
i feel so much for this. i understand and care for my dysphoric buds, but the simple truth is that is not my story. i cant just lie and say that it is.
it will never be my story. i cannot say this enough: i love my body. however i STILL believe my truest way is that of a ladybuck. if it was a simple button push to change me, then i would push it without hesitation.
but it is not a simple button push.
talk to almost any buckaroo who has transitioned and they will say 'transitioning is hard'. it takes time and work and money and emotional support. i am in awe of the bravery of buckaroos who trot this path, but all of that is not worth it for something that i already feel good about. SCRATCH THAT, i feel GREAT ABOUT. i feel overwhelmed with joy every day over just existing in this male body that i have been blessed with. YES buckaroo, i feel joy existing in a male body that i know is ladybuck on the inside. it feels interesting a cool and exciting.
but my truest way is STILL a ladybuck trot
i guess i am just trying to say that i love second place. im happy to celebrate it. i think my male body is really dang cool. it is not a 'perfect me' but it is really dang awesome, and i never really bothered with trying to be perfect
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