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artificialqueens · 3 years

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A Series Of Mutual Feelings, 1/3 (Scarjah) - Pazinae

chapter 1: i hate u (and the feelings mutual)

Chapter Summary: Ra'jah is determined to have a fresh start and be a better person, now enrolled as a first year fashion school student- but Scarlet has a way of always making her newfound plans falter. With a rocky high school history, the (not so) fortuitous pair endure some mutual hatred

A/N: enemies 2 luvers scarjah everyone xoxo meant to be a oneshot, but got a little carried away n my doc for this is currently 19 pages long ahaha so to be more palatable it will be a 4 chapter story (its says 3, but you'll see). this one is mainly the intro for the story to understand where they're at emotionally in the present, and is mostly ra'jah centric on her growth + kylie friendship fluff bc theyre the cutest, and a bit of scarlet pov. feedback super super welcome, enjoy !!!

***

Scarlet strode down the hall with a sway in her hips, her heels clacking on the laminate floor. What kind of tacky ass bitch wears heels to school anyways? Ra'jah scoffed internally, watched the girl saunter like she's on a tightrope, each tantalizing step brought her foot exactly in front of the other. Her body fell into a rhythm, stomping the fucking campus like a lion stalking the jungle for the sheer fun of watching it’s prey scamper. Scarlet's bouncing skirt, her signature grin and luscious ginger curls sprouting out her scalp made her gag. And not in the stunning way. Just as quickly as she came she was gone, and, to be fair, she was just another girl sandwiched in the masses just getting to where she’s going. But she could pluck that arrogant little redhead bitch out of any crowd. Not a conscious choice of course, hell, being reminded of her sheer presence causes a battle of trying not to roll her eyes behind her skull. She can't help that she sees her. Not when Scarlet's lips are painted the same shade of bold crimson as the tight, sleeveless top she's wearing, like a fresh drop of blood in a sea of grey clad bodies swimming around in their hoodies.

This isn't high school anymore Ra'jah. A repetitive reminder that needs to be said evermore until it's understood at her core. Because It's different now, she knows that- it has to be. No fucking way are her dreams going to get caught up in everything again, they're too big to be put at stake. She can't live just to be like that again, and this time she's too grown to waste her time on useless people. High school was a bubble, a 4 year trance that she's left and is more than ready to forget about.

"Hey, Ra'jah!" That southern, velvety voice could only belong to one stunning woman. She turned around to spot her speed walking to catch up.

"Aye! Kylie!" Ra'jah stopped and gave a little wave as Kylie approached, her highlight shining even in the shitty indoor light. The two moved over to the side of the hall, and leaned against the wall. "If it isn't Miss Kylie Sonique Love," With such a pleasing name, Ra'jah doesn't think she will, or, really can ever get tired of saying the other girl's name. "What's up?"

"Nothin', just tired as fuck," It's kinda cute, the way her accent gets stronger when she's grumpy. "I'mma pass out at some point, I did not get enough sleep." Even as a grumble her voice is so soft and angelic, Ra'jah could probably fall asleep to the blonde reading true crime murder stories.

"Goddamn, it sure as hell doesn't show!" Which is true, Kylie was as effervescent as always, any visible messy hair from under her beanie looked intentional. Even in her oversized t-shirt and shorts, there was an undeniable, captivating charm about her that made it impossible for her to look bad "You look gorgeous girl"

"Awh, thanks honey," She smiles a soft, hazy smile. "You don't look too bad yourself." She hums, eyeing her up with a grin. Before she could even argue a response, the country girl quickly perks up and slaps her hand on Ra'jah's shoulder in excitement. "Oh also! I want your opinion- I'm thinking about dying my hair pink." She can see the visible sparkle in the pair of eyes looking at hers. "Thoughts?" She asks, voice becoming giddy "Oooh bitch! You better, that'd be so fierce!" The (mostly) purple haired girl exclaimed, delight evident in her voice "For real, you'd look so good. And you know, ba-BY" she claps her hands together just for added emphasis, "I support ALL the impulsive hair decisions".

"Yess, obviously I want input only from bad bitches with the best hair"

"I told you I did these myself right?" she asked, running her shoulder length hair through her twirling fingers. "I've been really into doing hair recently"

"Wait, really? It looks so pretty, the fade to purple is so good"

"What'd you mean 'wait really' hoe, what you implying 'bout my hair skills?"

"Just that a talented woman like you should share your expertise!" Even when she was loud her voice was just as comforting, the tone reminiscent of a silk blanket on her skin

"All it took for me was bleach, a bottle of violet Arctic Fox dye, and the holy spirit of Brad Mondo"

"First of all I'm not trusting no mans named Brad," Ra'jah cackled a little because, yeah that's fair. "And secondly, if you're free, come an' help a girl out then!

"You're inviting me over? Wow we're moving kinda fast Kylie"

"Oh shut up bitch" but the undying twinkle in her eye confirmed the unsaid agreement that Ra'jah would be doing Kylie's hair, at some point.

"I'm free on Thursday, can I visit then?"

"Yea that works" She smiled, and the closeness between the two wasn't something the taller girl ever planned, or really felt before. But she had it now, a friend she really cares about, and she never wanted to lose it.

"Shit what time is it?" Even in her Shitty Human era she was still a timely gal, her mother didn't raise no late hoe. "Don't stress it Raj, we have like 15 minutes. Introduction to drafting and sewing, right?"

"Yes ma'am. Wanna start going?" "Sure thing" This year is for a new start, making new friends, and getting a chance to create new first impressions. Rebrand herself y'know, and the hindrance that is Scarlet's existence, wrapped in all the ancient things she'd rather not think about, won't stop her.

The walk to class was a pleasant blur. With Kylie yawning and walking essentially shoulder to shoulder with Ra'jah had they been the same height, they slipped into both comfortable conversation, and silence. With all the noise around them, their presence brought an ease without any awkwardness.

A trek opted through the outdoor route that was albeit a tad longer, provided some well needed greenery and fresh air.

"You excited for class?" Ra'jah asked, only half aware of where she was walking to. Her body was on autopilot, and Kylie knows the way, probably.

"You're amazing if you can get excited by class"

"It's fun!"

"Only 'cause you're good at it"

"You're good at it"

"You know what I mean. Isn't this one your favorite?"

"It's not my favorite"

"Uh huh"

"I just like it a lot. Maybee essentially jus' cause I don't hafta try" It was a mandatory course, but Ra'jah's not complaining. Perhaps it's a little vain to enjoy something just to remind everyone you can do it, but it was an easy break from the rest of the courses. And a nice little egoboost.

"So I'm right!"

"C'mon it's October and we're still on basic techniques"

"It's called introductory," She remarked. "Do you even pay attention half the time?"

"No but bitch neither do you"

"True" Kylie grinned in agreement.

"The way you're coming for me but it's easy for you too!" She hasn't been sewing as long as Ra'jah, but she has great taste so it really balanced out. "And let it be known that I use that class time to think about incredibly productive things"

"Oh that's her name?"

"What?" She didn't mean for her tone to drop. Didn't mean for her legs to stop walking, planting themselves into the cement. Didn't mean for the smile on her face to plummet at the implication. Her visceral reaction was louder than the cluelessness she gave off.

"Calm down" She giggled, as if Ra'jah's reaction woke her up from her grogginess, her breathlessness equivalent to a shot of espresso for Kylie. "You just seem really occupied sometimes is what I meant"

"Me? No I'm not" She couldn't convince herself.

"Okay babe. The models of your fashion sketches just look a little reminiscent"

"You know Scarlet isn't the only person with ginger hair right?" Ra'jah bites back, the condescending tone not her intention, but not exactly unwanted in the moment. Scarlet is insufferable, she doesn't want her own name slandered is all, being associated with the arrogant shit.

"Baby, I ain't mention Scarlet. That's all you.'' She had a shit eating smirk and maybe Ra'jah takes everything back about how nice friends are. IF there was inspiration, Scarlet is objectively nice looking so it's not a big deal there might be similarities if you squint.

"She was implied"

"If you want her to be"

They get inside and take a seat at one of the large tables, divided into stations with a sewing machine and some material at each one. Ra'jah takes a spot at the edge, with Kylie seated to her right.

On paper, it's all been planned out for Ra'jah; during her strolls between classes she'll take in all her surroundings and actively look for inspiration, pondering all the natural shapes and patterns of the world in a way she can manipulate into clothing. On paper, she'll make the most out of the introductory class, sketching designs between the minimal notes and sewing practices. On paper, she'll finish the mornings class with ease and have extra time to practice some new things.

In reality? Paper is flimsy, especially when its accountability is held by a fleeting mind. It's hard to bask in the world when unwanted questions plague her head. Mostly revolving around a certain redhead. God, fuck her. Fuck her pretty eyes and fuck her sculpted face and fuck her euphonious voice. Does everyone who sees Ra'jah see her patheticness? How she allowed some cunt to infiltrate her mind, set up home in her head and take up all the space? Let her infect every cell in the brain like a parasite until her skull is nothing but an infiltrated shell for an infestation caught up with infatuation?

"Ra'jah, you good?" The girl sat across from her, Trinity, piped up, and Ra'jah had to bite back a smile. The icy, timid girl she met just a few weeks ago was starting the conversation.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"You just looked a little spaced out"

"Nah, it's just that this class is a breeze an' I'm just thinking about a project for another class"

"Mmm"

"Plus it's hard to just think of designs when there's no inspiration"

"I mean, we're supposed to practice gathering and making ruffles right now"

"Oh shit! We are?"

"Yeah girl!" Ra'jah, shaking her head at herself, finally picked up some of the fabric around her and got to work. "You'll be alright?"

"Oh don't worry about me! I'm all good"

"Okayyy if you need anything just yell" Ra'jah replied with a hum and a nod. Watching the girl running the fabric under the machine, memories of the first time they'd talked flashed, days of the nearly silent girl feeling so distant.

"I really like your earrings" The girl raised her head, looking left and right a little as if making sure it was directed at her.

"Thanks." She mumbled, vaguely looking at Ra'jah's direction.

"If you don't mind, where'd you get them?"

"Uh, I thrifted it."

"Oh, cool" Ra'jah smiled, before quickly adding "Thanks". The raven haired girl didn't reply. The start of the intriguing game of 'does she hate me, is she shy, or both?'

After all the awkward attempts made for the quiet girl to be comfortable and maybe make a friend, a sense of pride rang through her. She met Kylie and Trinity here a mere month ago, and yeah, maybe she could be nice. She could walk the fineline of warm socialization without being annoying. The new Ra'jah doesn't do unnecessary mean quips just for the sake of a little power rush. She can be authentically her while being polite. New Ra'jah makes friends- not enemies.

"Oh by the way" Ra'jah snapped her head up at Trinity's voice

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I know it's a little random but do you know what you're gonna be for Halloween?"

"Huh. Well, I haven't really thought about it" Ra'jah remarked, "I just don't care for Halloween and all that"

"Really? Girl, you're not gonna do anything, dress up, go out, nothing?"

"Baby all that work and money for some costume I'll wear once? No ma'am- and the fuck will I do, I barely have ideas for school!"

"Hey, you could wear anything and it's a costume. Wear a black dress, you're a cat"

"You think I'm that basic?"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck you" She snorted, and Trinity had a goofy smile, looking at Ra'jah with a sense of familiar fondness. "And thanks, really, but I don't care for all that spooky shit anyways"

"Damn, alright!" Teeth out and all, she laughed. The blonde on the right leaned in a little, a pleasant opposition of Trinity's hesitation is Kylie's eagerness

"Jesus Ra'jah, what did Halloween do to you?" The southern girl butts in. "You could dress as the grinch of Halloween, steal children's candy"

"You know what, yeah, I'll be a sluttified grinch"

"You're kinda built the same already" Trinity joins with a grin

"Hey!"

"Sluttified? Are you implying the grinch isn't sexy enough?" Ra'jah choked a little at that, found herself smiling with some dopey content, at what exactly she's not sure.

"Do ya'll think being the grinch would count as like, being a furry?" Trinity asked, voice dripping in an odd amount of seriousness.

"What? Baby no" Kylie jumped in. "Yes! absolutely, how would it NOT?" Trinity argues, and maybe it's the easiness of everything. Of how nice it is to just fall into banter when you let people in. Bouncing off the two girls, she doesn't need to think of how to be funny, how to one up herself, remind everyone of why she's worthy. She can just, be. And that warrants a smile.

With Ra'jah's elbow propped on the table, she rested her cheek against her palm to face forward, before turning a little to face Trinity

"But why do ya ask Trin? About Halloween"

"Oh, kinda last minute but I just want some ideas to figure mine out" She shrugs, and Kylie leans over once more. It's a little heartwarming, how physically close she always instinctively wants to be.

"Oh! Are you going to the Halloween party this weekend?"

"Nah parties aren't really my thing"

"Awh, but it'll be fun!"

"Yeah standing in a mass of people I won't talk to will be so fun"

"Fine- Ra'jah, are you goin'?" Rajah turns her head to follow the voices like a cat keeping up with a beam of light.

"Uh..."

"RIGHT, forgot, Halloween's not your thing". A party where she can have a disguise, let loose and have fun. It feels almost embarrassing to admit to her newfound friends that she's never been to a party, and the thought of a Halloween party didn't even cross her mind. Maybe Halloween isn't not her thing, it's just not something she'd indulge in. For reasons. Like, schoolwork.

"Welllllll…" Ra'jah hummed, dragging on with a small grin

"OH the prospect of partying changes things huh?"

"You know, me an' Halloween, we complicated okay!" They laugh, but Ra'jah's left thinking. New or old Ra'jah both, spends a little too much time in the internal realm of the brain.

The class falls silent except the murmurs of the buzzing machines, and the three chatter in whispers. Although usually it's mostly her and Kylie with occasional injections of confirmation from Trinity

"You're insane if you think spaghettini is better than fettuccine" Kylie protested "Spaghettini is literally the objective worst"

"Says who?!" Ra'jah paused sewing to look up at Kylie in defiance

"Me!"

"Trinity which is better"

"Huh? Ya'll It's too early for this." Trinity complained.

"Oh, says the bitch who asked if the grinch was a furry" Ra'jah retorted, but Trinity brushed her off to look at Kylie "Oh wait! Also, Kylie, what're you gonna be for Halloween?" She gave a little snicker before answering

"Don't come for me but honestly? Was thinking about being a cat"

"AAAAAH!" Ra'jah and Trinity erupted laughing.

"But like, a hot one okay!" Ra'jah quickly tried to redeem herself.

"You'll be the hottest ass cat around" Plus, worse comes to worst, Ra'jah will be a witch or something, and they can be hot and basic together.

When the class ended, they packed their things, and exchanged their goodbyes

"I'll see y'all around!"

"See you! Good luck on your textile project Trin"

"Thanks!" She waved, yelling a final "Bye!"

"Bye!" The three part, and Ra'jah makes her way to her second class. History of costume and design was next, and quickly weighing it out, she decided to take a quicker path through the halls. Suddenly, the weight of a body knocked at her side, the two stumbling around for a few seconds. A gust of papers had fallen from both parties' arms, and landed on the floor.

"Oh shit! I'm so-" Scarlet cuts herself off when she looks up at whom she's bumped into.

"Maybe watch where you're going" Ra'jah snorts out of sheer instinct, squatting down to gather her papers where Scarlet follows suit, just a little too close. The vague, sweet scent of strawberries she gives off is suffocating.

"Maybe if you weren't such a stuck up cunt taking up half the hallway I wouldn't hit you" The attention sends a masochistic jolt down her spine

"Uh oh someone's in a bad mood. Stuck up cunt that's a new one! Love the creativity. You should drop out of this school and be a writer" As much as she screamed internally to just shut the fuck up and get your things, it was so easy to slip back to this.

"Thanks but I'm good! When you fail out this year you can give it a try"

"Baby, me? Fail out?" Please don't imply that. Please don't make me doubt that I can and deserve to be here. I don't want to seek approval from others, but I can't help but be hurt at disapproval. Of course, her thoughts don't verbalize as the words that come out of her mouth. "That's a lot of talk for a girl who probably spends more hours getting fucked than studying" Before she can think it through, process the flash of hurt on her face and the way her fingers tense around the last piece of paper, before Ra'jah can really understand the weight of her own words she continues. "But I guess that's how you get yo' A's right?"

Their exchanges were in aggressive whispers, hushed to anyone above them. To most people, they'd find a sight of two girls muttering to one another while they pick up some things they've dropped.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet" Scarlet huffed, standing up in one swift motion. Those words aren't a compliment. Like, at all. So why does Ra'jah's dumb, twisted heart stop for a second? The implied connection of herself and 'pretty' slows her body and slurs her mind until she's pushing herself up off the ground in slow motion. It's been so many months of mundanity, the small interaction felt all so familiar and foreign and exciting at the same time.But the haziness of her words and their little games makes her forget for a second of what the fuck just happened, and a wave of patheticness washed over her as she started to walk, eyes focused at the cream walls. For all her hemming and hawing, Ra'jah hasn't. Fucking. Changed.

A rush of everything dives into her guts, a sick adrenaline coated in dread, self loathing and the slight urge to cry, nestling in her stomach like a bird claiming a branch as it's home. Her skin was electric, and she hated to admit she loved it, the thrill of interacting with her, cattiness and all. Imagine feeling this much from fucking bumping into someone? Fingers clenched, nails digging in her own palms at how much she hates her. Intense emotions are a high of their own, and Ra'jah can't help but indulge. The piercing sting of her flesh being pressed in with her nails is intensified as she listens for the faint voice of that lanky girl always accompanying Scarlet.

"You good Scarlet?"

"Yeah, thanks" She can't look back, but she can't help but wonder- are they hugging? Holding hands? It doesn't- it shouldn't matter to her. The fun amusement pales in comparison to the misery settling in. The realization that she's fighting with Scarlet like they're 16 at the back of English class.

Of all the schools, why'd that girl have to come here? Of all the things to pursue, why the same as herself? Of all the people, why'd it have to be her? Ra'jah didn't have the audacity to explore the last question. What she means, she's not too sure. The only thing in the world she's sure of is that she can't be both New Ra'jah™ and Old Ra'jah™ to different people. The line between the two existences isn't so bold anymore, and painting over the bumps isn't as effective as she'd hoped.

***

Truth be told, watching herself move around in skirts was one of her favorite things- just about tied with watching others watch her. Maybe that's why she joined cheer in highschool. Especially with the support from (or, lack of thereof) a certain grimacing purple haired girl, a runaway model from a fashion show who wound up wandering this school. She never needed to turn and look, didn't need sight to know there's a burn at her back, nor who it's radiating from. Scarlet always walked with just a bit of a straighter back, just a bit more purpose, and just a bit more stride in her step when her favorite pair of wandering eyes were around. A small part of her always wants to turn around, catch her gaze and watch her frantically look away and pretend she's talking to someone. Or maybe she'll hold it, stare back with just as much intensity. But her wistful attention is enough of an ego boost. The scowl ridden bitch, smile washed away just for her, and yet that's where her attention lied. It made her bite back a smile.

Scarlet is a pretty thing, and she didn't need constant confirmation to remind her that she's beautiful. She's hot, she knows it, Ra'jah knows it, and Scarlet knows that's all she is to her. A pretty thing. Whatever. She's not important.

In fear of her brain melting, and/or being fried to a crisp, Scarlet doesn't bother having two classes back to back. Her mental capacity is full, and a nice salad will probably help with that. She's on her way to meet with Yvie for lunch, thinking about their weekend plans, when she takes a misstep and stumbles, all her weight focused in her shoulder which slams against someone else's side.

"Oh shit! I'm so-" the universe is an asshole. May the odds never be in my favor.

"Maybe watch where you're going" Her sneer is venomous, and the universe has suddenly become just the second biggest asshole.

"Maybe if you weren't such a stuck up cunt taking up half the hallway I wouldn't hit you" Ra'jah didn't do anything, a rational voice lectures, but she ignores it the way she's ignoring the taller girls face. Scarlet's grabbing at her papers, avoiding eye contact because that selfish pile of shit on her right takes up enough space as is, and if she looks into her eyes, sees that stupid fucking face this close she might do something bad. Like, in the sense of, punching her. Yeah, she can't look at her or she'll beat her up. Because that's a fight she'd win.

"Uh oh someone's in a bad mood. Stuck up cunt that's a new one! Love the creativity. You should drop out of this school and be a writer" Ra'jah snides, and she needs to drop out before Scarlet gets grey hair from her.

"Thanks but I'm good! When you fail out this year you can give it a try" Her words are about as empty as her own stomach, because she hasn't eaten since last night, and Ra'jah will quit fashion school and become a science engineer before she fails out.

"Baby, me? Fail out?" Yeah, with the flawless outfit you're wearing that you sure as hell made just because you were bored one night. Your pants could literally be sold as a luxury brand. The girl who started sewing when she a embryo in the womb, you'll fucking fail out. "That's a lot of talk for a girl who probably spends more hours getting fucked than studying- But I guess that's how you get yo' A's right?" Scarlet looks up, not at Ra'jah but away from the ground, and the urge to yell, hit her, and cry come up at the same time. She wants to scream, get everyone in hearing range to know that Ra'jah is a loser who will amount to nothing. She wants to reach out and choke her. But articulating her anger into words is too much, and she ends up just whispering whatever words are willing to come out as she gets up, not caring if she left any papers behind.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet" And that's the closest thing to honest Scarlet's said all day.

In the distance, she sees Yvie walking towards her, so she waits until the freshly dyed green haired girl is caught up beside her.

"You good Scarlet?"

"Yeah, thanks" The two walk together, side by side, and Scarlet loops her arm through Yvie's, linking the pair.

"You know, Scarlie, you should stop wearing heels before you break your ankles"

"Hey!" She giggled, slapping the taller girl's arm in response. "I never fall, people just get in my way" Yvie scoffs, unable to stop the corners of her lips turning up and giving her away, forever endeared by the shorter girl. Scarlet's affection makes her forget that they've only known each other for a month. They reach a set of blue doors, and Yvie opens it, holding it for Scarlet to come through. Her face seems puzzled

"Are you down to go to Mika's Cafe? I want to get some coffee"

"Sure, they have nice breakfast sandwiches and omelettes, I'm down" It's only a few minutes away from campus

"What's on your mind"

"Just like, school stuff. I have to make a dress for creative fashion design, and I'm just thinking about it, and what I wanna do" Would it be tmi to blurt that Ra'jah is insufferable?

"Cool," Yvie hummed, and spiteful words cycled through Scarlet's head, deciding on what exactly to say, before Yvie beats her to it, whipping her head in some seeming urgency

"OH by the way, I know you're busy with your project and you're determined on getting in the top 5 and all,"

"Uh huh"

"Buuuuut, there's a Halloween party this weekend, and I was gonna go with Brooke and her friends but they're not going anymore," Scarlet knows how Yvie feels about Brooke, and to be fair she's only met her a few times in passing, but how someone like Yvie could fall for someone as uptight as the boring blonde is beyond her. She doesn't dare bring up another possibility of why her dorm mate would be avoiding the stoic girl, a possibility involving a particularly hot headed latina glued to the Canadians side. "They decided clubbing downtown would be more fun or whatever," They're outside on the pavement now, and the afternoon breeze graces their skin. It's a welcome environment, and Scarlet slows down her pace to enjoy the air, with Yvie quickly matching her pace.

"Wouldn't you rather go clubbing though? Like not with Brooke and them but with others," Scarlet is friendly and all, but she swears Yvie is somehow friends with half the school. She sure as hell can find a group to go with.

"I guess, but I want to go to the party," she quiets a little as she continues, "There are some people I want to see there, for fun and stuff"

"Mmmm!" Scarlet widens her eyes, looking at the taller girl with a knowing glare, sprinkled with a teeny bit of judgement.

"It's kinda lame to go there alone!"

"No it's not!"

"Scarls, yeah it is"

"Why do you even care? Wanna impress some girls?" In response, Yvie rolled her eyes so hard Scarlet could practically feel it.

"'Cause you want me to go to a fun Halloween party by myself?

"Yes! You could walk up to anyone and there's like an 80% chance you already know them, and a 100% chance you'll become friends anyways" The quirky girl's charm is undeniable, she'll be fine without Scarlet. Yvie gives a defeated sigh

"Seems kinda homophobic"

"Ugh you know what's actually homophobic? The fact that more people aren't madly in love with me. I'm LITERALLY perfect" The prospect of love feels like it's been dangled infront of her, her whole life. Imagine looking like Scarlet, and never dated before?

"You're right girl, you are" Yvie laughed her deep, hearty cackle and Scarlet wanted to melt a little.

"Thank you, finally someone with taste" Looking at her outfit, she remembers that the tall girl's taste is kind of debatable, and Scarlet almost wants to say she takes it back

"You think Ra'jah has good taste then?"

"What?"

"Also a party seems like the best way to meet more people y'know?" She brushes over her last question, and it's much better that way.

"You know what, whatever 'll go with you" Scarlet agrees so she'll shut up. If she hears her roommate bring up she-who-shall-not-be-named-because-shes-a-stick-in-the-ass anymore she might lose her mind. And, she really doesn't have any other plans for the night so might as well.

***

AN: going to be a while for the next chapter bc im busy so here's a lil thing lol xo

***

They weren't supposed to meet here. Weren't supposed to see each other. At least, that's what Scarlet tries to tell herself.

"You are such a fucking pain, oh my god" Scarlet seethed because everything is hazy except the impassive girl standing before her and she can't think straight. Her cold eyes are apathetic and Scarlet wants to implode, like a glass thermostat engulfed in a burning heat where it's not a question of if, but an inevitable when? "Maybe I am arrogant" Her voice was coated in a sickly sweet frustration. She pushed further into Ra'jah's space, the taller girl stiffening at the ever decreasing space between the two. How can she be so still, so unreactive? This is all so amusing to her? Is she having fun, so fucking detached from everything and watching Scarlet crumble? Pretending like she cares about Scarlet past her pretty face? Enjoying her sadistic game? Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her.

"Maybe I am narcissistic" Their faces were inches apart, and Ra'jah could feel the angry womans hot breathe on her cheek, the pungent smell of alcohol intruding her nose.

"But I'd rather be a confident, arrogant narcissist than whatever kind of sad fuck you are"

Scarlet growled, and she wanted to breathe fire, burn Ra'jah's existence out of her mind and scream at everything she felt because of her. Except that she sees her, and wants her, wants to hurt her and touch her and without thinking her hands are digging around Ra'jah's waist.

"You are such-" Scarlet was interrupted as the other girl leaned in, framed the shorter girl's face with both her hands, and pressed her lips against Scarlets. Any thoughts or mental functionality she had were put to an abrupt stop. This wasn't supposed to happen. It's been so long, but no time has passed since they were last like this. The plug to her brain was pulled, and it's all static and her bodys done a full 180. Ra'jah's piercing lips are numbing, and her overheated body feels like it's been dunked in ice where all her nerves are all in shock. They weren't supposed to do this anymore, it's the only thing they've ever been able to agree on. She was frozen, unable to move, or think, far too busy being hyper focused on the familiar sugary lips on hers, sending waves of nostalgia through her body. Time has only heighted the intoxication. She gains some composure and surges forward, but Ra'jah's pulling away, opening her mouth to finally say something.

"You're so much prettier when you're quiet"

#rpdr fanfiction #as6 #ra'jah o'hara #scarlet envy #trinity k bonet #kylie sonique love #yvie oddly #ra'jah x scarlet #enemies to lovers #lesbian au #fashion school au #a series of mutual feelings #pazinae #concrit welcome

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whirlybotart · 3 years

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Ratchet and/or Jazz

Think I’ll do both since I think I’ll have some pretty simple thoughts on them both! Starting with Ratchet!

first impression

I actually thought he was like,, really weird, esp that first episode where he’s just like “Yeah I can program out feelings n shit” but I became soft for his backstory... Used to also not like his entire thing for Arcee...

my overall feelings were mixed I didn’t hate him but he was like,,, pretty low on my fave characters list for a while.

Impression now

Soft old Bisexual Man!! <3

I love him to absolute bits! he’s so interesting!! esp since he seems to be one of the few main characters to actually kinda realize Cybertron is really bad and corrupt? That thing where they ordered him to not help an injured con and he does anyways? I fucking love that shit.I wish we’d have gotten more of him trashing Sentinel for his awful ruling of Cybertron..

I’d say now bc he’s a huge comfort character for me he’s ranking high on my favorites!

Favorite moment

EVERY. CUTE. MOMENT. HE. HAS. WITH. SARI

they are so so fucking adorable and their interactions are perfection. From Sari being her confident sassy but not shit-taking self to Ratchet being grumpy but soft in heart I cry like a bitch for these two having those interactions and shit...

Idea for a story

Hmmm on a Ratchet centered story I’m not entirely sure but it would probably revolve around his relationship with Bee and stuff bc of my headcanons for the two....

Unpopular opinion

I kinda hated him in the Wreck-Gar episode lmao, I love the idea of him being a father to Wreck-Gar and such but man what on earth happened to him?? Ratchet is a medic at heart which shows in his most gentle and kind moments!! To see his grumpiness and semi-rudeness ramped up out of nowhere just kinda made me sad =[. Also i don’t think he’s hot like at all but maybe that’s bc I’ve never gotten the appeal of crushing on elderly characters...

Favorite relationship

Him and Sari or him and Optimus but I cannot choose...

I really really love how him and Optimus have a playful relationship and when they jab at each other they both don’t take much offense. It’s also really nice to see they can talk to each other about their trauma and pasts and is something they both clearly need. I think they’ve had rocky moments in their friendship but overall their relationship is delightful to see! And I already talked about Sari n him =].

Favorite headcanon

I ask for nothing more than more content of Ratchet adopting Bee and being his dad. I Love these two as father and son. Ratchet and him had such potential to be just the perfect ‘grumpy but also soft’ father and ‘obnoxious but caring’ son dynamic. We were robbed!!! Anyways I love Ratchet listening to Bee infodump for 6 hours about fnaf and minecraft lore while he’s trying to fix him up and Optimus eventually being like “aww Ratchet I’m so glad you’ve taken Bee under your wing =] that’s really sweet” And Ratchet dies instantly bc he never realized he did that... no matter how many times Bee has called him dad...

Bee also gets really pissy when Ratchet doesnt take care of himself bc damn it old man you can’t be doing that!! Stop drinking coffee and go to bed if Bee loses a dad over how ‘important your work is’ than he’ll never forgive u he swears. Sometimes when Ratchet or Bee have nightmares they just sleep together,,, I just.... I care them so much I have a mighty need for more content of these two....

Okay Now Jazz!!!

First impression

I thought he was mega adorable, he was so great and dorky and I just wanted to kiss him cute lips... Love how he loved earth so much!! It was mega adorable

Impression now

He is forever mega adorable Earth nerd to me,,,, This man is just too fucking cute!!! Also bless him for being so cool and putting up with Sentinel’s aft.... His interactions with the Jettwins in the comics and manga are really wholesome too,,, he really gained two younger brothers on that day huh?

I absolutely love this man he is a fave for sure.

Favorite moment

Every moment he spent talking about how cool earth is makes me sob like a big baby full of Love... The scene in the rain and the traffic light joke... Some of my favorite moments, I want to make a compilation Of Nothing but Jazz talking about earth and I’d have that shit on repeat like it was my new album. They are legit some of my favorite moments in the show and his interactions with Prowl,,, kinda homo and really cute...

Seeing Prowl low-key tryna flirt with and impress Jazz in show is so cute? That little allspark moment in end game? Filled with homosexual tension. Love the way they banter.

Idea for a story

Holoform Jazz and Prowl date “Hanging out” and they just walked around earth, holding hands,going to shops and eventually a restaurant and Jazz is absolutely gushing about how cool everything is... I feel like Jazz would have a coolass outfit with a scarf and shit...

Unpopular opinion

Hm Jazz should murder Lockdown and carry Prowl away from his dead corpse while they kiss.... Also Jazz would make a fursona unironically and secretly wishes Prowl was a werewolf it’s his biggest romantic fantasy to have big fluffy organic husband.

Favorite relationship

Chants loudly, Him and Prowl him and Prowl him and Prowl him and-

They are just too cute... The way they banter and impress each other while being kinda playful to each other.... It really shows off a new side of Prowl and the way he smiles when talking to Jazz and confides in him so much,,,, I just... I love them...

Favorite headcanon

Jazz is a furry. he has a fursona and Werewolf!Prowl aus are his fucking dream.... Bee is horrified to find out he’s the true furry out of him and Prowl...

#tfa jazz #tfa ratchet #tfa #Transformers animated #maccadam #transformers #whirly speaks #jazzprowl #tfa jazzprowl #my thoughts

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ariclz · 3 years

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hey y’all ! my name’s tay & i have brought to you my child , ariel that’s a lot a bit of a mess. i am obsessed with true crime & makeup. anyways , i wrote some points below about her. it got a little long , so forgive that lmao. if you would like to plot , please click that little heart lol. if you prefer discord , pls let me know & we can slide that way. anyways , her intro is below & i cannot wait to rp with y’all.

✎ 「 have you seen ARIEL JUNG yet this school year ?? maybe in POWER SQUAD, DEBATE & FASHION CLUB ?? i heard some wild rumors about the SEVENTEEN year old last semester, but now that they’re a JUNIOR it might be a different story. according to their friends they’re pretty ORGANIZED, but sometimes SHE can be MALICIOUS. who knows, this might just be HER year ! 」[ JENNIE KIM ]

𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔 !

NAME : ariel jung. GENDER : cisfemale. PRONOUNS : she & her. AGE : seventeen ( 17 ). BIRTHDAY : 27th november. ZODIAC : sagittarrius. ETHNICITY : korean. ORIENTATION : bisexual.

𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 !

FAMILY : born in the affluent city of newport beach , california to the jung family. her father is the creative director of a soju company while her mother is the ceo of a popular korean cosmetics company. so , she was groomed from birth to be somebody in life. they moved to canada right before ariel started grade school on a whim as an effort to expand their business ventures.

image was everything to the jung family , so they made sure that ariel lived up to their name. from the schools she went to , the grades she got ( bc they def’ made generous donations to the schools she went to in order to keep her at the top of her class in middle school ) , the friends she kept & the way she presented herself to the public. everything had to be perfect & if it wasn’t , faking it like it was was always the first option. her life was set up for her to succeed & ariel & her parents were willing to do anything to make that happen.

on the outside their family was all put together , but on the inside ariel was literally battling with her mother. her mother is extremely controlling , and ariel feels like she is being suffocated. everything she does isn’t good enough in her mother’s eyes-- especially when it comes to the pageant world. ngl , her mother is kinda verbally abusive & enjoys putting her down bc she believes it will toughen her up. so , ariel kinda always has an awful attitude because of it. she’s truly a fucking c*nt at times.

also , at a young age , ariel was put into multiple different activities to find her niche. the one thing she ultimately gravitated towards was beauty pageants. her mom thought it would be a good idea to capitalize on her beauty at a young age & ariel loved it. she loved the spotlight & everything that came with it.

because of the way her mother treats her & her dad barely being around to back her up , ariel resents her parents to the fullest.

SCHOOL : ariel is a pretty good student bc things come naturally to her. she as kind of conditioned at a young age to always be the best at whatever she decides to do. so , although she doesn’t alays show it , she takes her school work very serious. especially since she has to go to college to become a doctor. even though she secretly wants to go to nyc for fashion school.

𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 !

QUICK-TEMPERED : although she has tried to work on her temper , it has been a very rocky journey. a lot of things irritate her & she reacts without thinking things all the way through. any little thing can set her off & she usually starts with words to hurt people because she knows they can cut deep.

HONEST : ariel just does not know how to not be honest. if you ask her for her opinion on something , she will say exactly what’s on her mind. she sugar coats nothing & spares no feelings in the process.

FEISTY : ariel has a very sharp tongue. she is aware that some things she says can come off out of pocket , but doesn’t really care.

PRETENTIOUS : because of her mother , ariel has this air around her that she is better than most people. she will let it be known that she feels that way too. she def’ uses her looks , money & status to fuel this belief.

MALICIOUS : she spares no feelings & will do things on purpose out of spite.

COMPETITIVE : she is extremely competitive in all aspects of her life & will always do whatever she needs to get her way. she doesn’t care about who she has to step on to do so.

in general , i would say that ariel is just blunt , outspoken , can come off very rude , but can also be a good friend when she wants. in most cases she is looking out for herself. if she feels as though she will not benefit from a relationship / friendship / situationship she will either lose interest or not even waste her time. if people can deal with her personality she is def’ your ride or die. if not , she’s like a fucking bat out of hell tbh.

𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 !

RIVALS : can be in different aspects tbh. power squad , school , outside of school. whatever !

TRIO : just two other people to make a trio of bad bitches tbh. they would def be the people that ariel trusts with her life & would never betray. think the powerpuff girls lmao or azula , mai , and ty lee.

EXES : we can plot the nature of their relationship in depth ofc.

FWB : self explanatory.

literally down for any kind of plot ngl.

#hqdintro #this is horrid but have it omg

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #388

“i wanna stay inside all day / i want the world to go away / i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake / i wanna be a real fake”

Name three people who you'll never forget: I doubt I'd forget Jason even if, God forbid, I had dementia. That's trauma for ya. I HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY doubt I could EVER forget my mom, either. In many different ways, she's literally kept me alive and has done so, so much for me. Then there's also Sara, whose friendship with me matches no one else I've been friends with. Have you ever been told you are fake? No. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy, my dog. Do you like pineapple? I do. When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? I know this sounds seriously depressing, but that's... pretty much every day. My life is just currently such a drag that being awake bores me senseless. But it's funny, because then some nights I stay up late for like... no reason. My existence alone is confusing. Is there any specific number that has any significance to you? No. Do you remember much from high school? I remember a lot from high school. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Isn't there a black sand beach in Iceland or something? Take me there, man. I'd also love to go to the Bahamas, but ew humidity and also I'm afraid of the Bermuda Triangle lmfao. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The big piece I want to get on my left upper arm; it's called "Denialism" by NukeRooster on deviantART. I got her permission forever ago to get it tattooed. Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? Not currently. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? Ham pieces and cheese. Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit aren't getting my business. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes. Most notably a video game I LOOOOVED as a kid. I was mad salty and still am lmao. Do you vent a lot on social media? God no, not anymore after embarrassing the everliving FUCK out of myself with a suicide note. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I don't pay any bills bc unemployed. .-. Do you watch ASMR videos? No. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? The Trevor Project. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. A psychiatrist I had in middle school thought I had ADHD, which was ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Most recently, my long-time bipolar 2 diagnosis has been questioned, but I do think I have it. I think. Does it bother you when others don’t share the same religious beliefs as you? No? Freedom of religion is a thing. What was your last argument about? Ummmm... I don't remember. Probably something with Mom. Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No. Somehow. You'd think all the stress would have me pure gray by now, lol. What are the names of all the pets you’ve had? Dude, I've had WAY too many for this. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a cosmetic or skincare product? *shrug* Who was the last person that invited you to go somewhere? Did you accept? Mom invited me to come with her to Nicole's to get out of the house because at the time our A/C was still out. I didn't want to go, even though damn did I suffer, haha. What was the last food item that you toasted, other than bread? That's... a great question. I don't know if I toast anything other than bread. Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? I remember I had a cat named Taz when I was younger. What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? My TMS doctor is like SUPER friendly and makes the treatment go by so fast (it's exactly 22 minutes and 30 seconds; don't ask why), and recently she was fangirling to Mom and me about the show Once Upon a Time, haha. I saw very little of it with Jason, but Mom did check it out. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have zero idea. When was the last time you ate a bowl of ice-cream? What flavour? Oh wow, it's been a long time. It was probably vanilla with chocolate syrup? If you menstruate, has your cycle ever synced with anyone close to you? Yes. Tell me something positive about the town or city that you live in. ... You said "positive," right? Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Yes. They were pretty serious about going to college when my sisters and I were younger, but they opened up to the concept that maybe it wasn't for all of us (coughmecough). Are you a polite person? I genuinely think I am. I definitely try to be. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything with your partner felt natural and effortless? Sigh. Yeah. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything was difficult and rocky? No. That's not the kind I'd stay in very long at all. I mean yes, there are always bumps, but there comes a point where you gotta say fuck nah and find something better. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Other than keeping age gaps in mind, no. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? My childhood home was suburban, but leaned towards rural. We were on the very edge of the town. Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? After seeing my mother suffer from borderline stage 4 ovarian cancer, I've gotta say cancer. My mother is the strongest person I know and yet she cried so frequently from chemotherapy. It broke my fucking heart. The person I copied the survey from mentioned especially childhood cancers, and I have to agree. Like just... why. "Everything happens for a reason." Bull. Fucking. Shit. Just TRY and convince me why a young child has to deal with CANCER. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I still don't have my license, as I've said in many a survey before. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your biological sex? Female. Do you use online dating? Or do you use another method for finding dates? Nah. I'm at the point in my life where I wanna let love just find me and not actively search for it. What is the oldest gaming console you own? We MIGHT still have our old Atari? If not, it'd be a GameBoy Advance. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? Just British. Do you think you'll ever manage to do everything you want to? No. But then again, I think that sounds pretty realistic? I doubt most people check off everything on their bucket list. What do you fear most? Probably becoming truly homeless, living on the streets. Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Are you a good driver? If you can't drive yet, do you think you'll be good? I mean, I'm not the worst in the world. My mom's always pointed out though that I ride on the brakes (which I do out of fear) and I tend to speed up and slow down quite a bit. I also stop kinda abruptly sometimes. What is/was your favorite thing about school? Seeing friends. What are you most likely to spend money on? My own personal money, tattoos, lol. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? @_@ Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicize them? I feel bad for them, more than anything. You breathe wrong and suddenly it's news-worthy. It's like your every inconsequential action is under heavy surveillance and judgment, and it seems so unfair. Have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? That was Jason for me. I never thought he was ugly, but regardless, he became THE most attractive man in the world to me. Have you ever worked in retail? Yes. -_- Are you even a little bit racist? Nah man, it's 2021, baby. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? I was all about the swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? I don't know or care, honestly. A gamma ray or whatever they're called could incinerate us all tomorrow. A black hole could swallow the earth in an hour. We don't know. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Is your Christmas tree faux or real? If faux, what color? We use a fake green one. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yes; it's the first part I eat. Which body type would you say you had? Did you know whales can survive on land? :^) Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! I used to LOVE doing that with Dad as a kid when the field across our house wasn't in use (tobacco was grown there). What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I just like grape. What kind of animal did you last pet? My cat! Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: I massively admire Jeffree Star's work ethic. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I used to wax my eyebrows, but now I just don't care. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Uh, no. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Your favourite pasta dish: Just your normal spaghetti with meatballs. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? Probably what I'm assuming was a star (but it was green???) flickering and then fizzling out of the sky kind of like some sort of backwards firework. I'd been watching it literally grow over a few nights, so when this happened, it was a big "?????? the fuck??????". It honestly scared me for some reason so I went inside after that. Aliens? I say aliens. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I don't think so. Who is the last person you ignored? uhhhhhhh Would you wear feathers in your hair? So actually, for my first prom, I wanted to wear a blue jay feather I had in my hair, reason being Jason's nickname from his parents was always "J Bird." It ended up not working out because we couldn't make it look natural with what we had. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Hm. Favourite member of your favourite band: Ozzy, obviously, haha. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''teen idle'' by marina

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survivor-mesopotamia · 4 years

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Ep. #1 - “hail santa that is all.” (Chrissa)

Nothing much really so far. We got into tribes so far everyone seems cool ans all so can't wait to see what happens from here.

Opening thoughts: I'm very much downplaying my knowledge, making it seem like I care most about challenges, know nothing about how online Survivor works (I played and hosted one) and not a massive amount about the actual show either, asking a lot of questions. Trying to find people with the most similar personalities and let others propose any alliances.

boy am i overwhelmed

Day 1; So I'm sitting here, eating dinner, a salad with garlic bread and a mike's hard pineapple strawberry lemonade, and I decide to do a confessional! Lets talk about my tribe, first and foremost. We're the "Second Chances" tribe. Fitting, we're all FLOPS. Imma do this in the order we were REVEALED to the world. Because that's cute, right? We're basically the beauty tribe bc everyone is lowkey real scrumptious lookin. Eric; Before this game, Eric and I bonded in the Ahkmim VL about how we never get cast for tumblr survivor, and how we're waiting for redemption, and I'd feel bad leaving him as the first boot. So hopefully he'd also feel bad, and wanna talk to me. I don't think the two of us have much in common yet, he's into anime, and reading, which is like, two things I'm not really down for, but I'm definitely gonna give Spirited Away a try sometime soon so I can talk to him about it. I kinda wanna ask if the red in his hair is naturally like.. blood red. But maybe that's the lighting in the room, or maybe he died it even MORE ginger, because I often hear to him referred to as GINGER Eric, but also i don't wanna have an awkward "No, this is just like.. normal ginger" conversation. Megan; Ohhhh Megan.. my girl Megan. We've had a rocky road in our friendship, and I wish I was just talking about ice cream. Something about her though just makes me have infinite patience for the things the two of us deal with, I can't help but just want to be with her all the time. I scouted her out from FaceBook to play my Whodunnit, and we've been extremely close ever since, our game relationship has been rocky enough for me to worry slightly about her, but all I can do is trust her, and build good enough relationships with other people that if she tried to fuck me over, I would know, and strike first. Its still unclear to this day whether she had a hand in my elimination in a Big Brother game we played, 1984. What is crystal clear, is that we cried together while she cast her vote to evict me. I love her, won't never stop lovin her. I'm hoping this can be OUR season to dominate, because I feel like we're almost evenly matched when it comes to a jury vote. Will; "Whoop-de-do" iconic king of not getting his haircut. Uhh.. idk what all to say, because before the game, I knew nothing of this man. However, Monty said something about him being alive and on Skype, and my mind immediately goes to "Is he hot?" and I check his profile, and publicly announce that he's hot. Which isn't FALSE, but then we both get revealed for the game, and put on the same tribe. So now we're vibing, and relating on the fact that tumblr players hate us, and we've deemed each other, "Heather". He's currently petitioning to call our tribe "The Heathers" instead of Enlil. We get on really well, and he's pretty damn cute. Also, he goes to bed SO early, I hope we get enough time to talk and get close on this tribe. Julian; Well. This is a lot to unpack, but I found out he was playing about 3 days before the game, and since that point. He's gotten unnecessarily aggressive with me, and a couple others over non-tumblr related matters. Julian and I have a rocky history, between me being recruited, and auto-casted for his ORG, Trinity Survivor, his ex-co-host/current-best friend berating me, and deleting messages to make me look bad. To Julian throwing passive aggressive low-blows about my social ineptitude in my face if I'm angry about something, to us making final 3 together in minis. Overall, I'm constantly at odds about how I perceive our relationship, I want to be able to assume the best of him, and say that I'm good in his book, no matter what happens. I think a lot of the time, our friend group isn't the most mature, and it is really difficult to have an adult conversation with someone from within that friend group, without someone else having an opinion to share on it, so I've heard things that he's said about me, that I'm not necessarily sure if its true or not, but I try my best to hold a strong, level head and smile whenever I see him, but sometimes its difficult wanting to approach a conversation with someone head on, but knowing that you can't do that with him is definitely a struggle of mine. We have very different communication styles, and its difficult to see past it sometimes. For now, I'm going to be working with him, but I'm not sure how long that can last, as he admits it himself, he can only handle my personality for short periods of time. Jack; Well, Jack hasn't said a single word for the last three hours, since the game has begun. I don't WANT to have to stay up till 5-6 in the morning to try to have a conversation with him, but if that's what I gotta do, then that's what I gotta do. Chrissa; Chrissa, Todd. My LOVE. Chrissa is someone that I owe something to, she's amazing, beautiful, talented, show stopping, never before seen, etc. Our game relationship is not great, because I organized her first boot in Ascendance Season 4; Back to the Future. However, it was because she was attached to someone that kept accusing me of having powers behind my back. So, hopefully Chrissa forgives me, and gives me another chance, because I'd love to work with her. I feel like Chrissa is someone who is extremely intelligent, and loyal, and that's someone I want on my side. I love my tribe, lets win every challenge until the merge!!

Well... I’m back again... not going inactive this time! Let’s just do a quick roundup for now: JJ seems to think we’re in a showmance already which is either great or bad for my game, Megan’s a sweetheart and I could see us aligning, Eric is definitely a gamer and I have a feeling he’ll be a loyal, jack and Julian are both pretty straightforward and seem on the quieter side, and Chrissa straight up vanished already so we’ll see how that goes! Basically somebody thinks I’m their husband but I don’t know if I ever signed the prenup, but if it means JJ is gonna spill on how he feels about everyone then that’s some good insight. Nobody really wants to talk game yet but that’ll change soon!! Kk bye for now

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Night 1/Morning 2: Everyone on my tribe seems extremely cool and I'm loving the way the tribes are divided. The only name I recognized on the cast was Monty's and he's on my tribe! I don't know him personally but I think he first played around when I was hosting a season. I have hit it off with Johnny the best so far I think, and definitely Isabelle as well. I seem to have a lot in common with both of them on a personal level. Strategically, I haven't locked anything down yet. I don't want to come right out and blurt "ALLIANCE?" with anyone; for right now I'm just trying to play it cool, get to know people as well as I can, and be a likeable presence in the tribe so people just wanna have me around.

I just asked Collin to talk to Adam about forming a four person alliance, which Collin will "bring" me into while Adam suggests someone. This might secure me in a four person alliance which would be ideal, but if it backfires, it will backfire on Collin, not on me. I'm trying to get myself into a majority while insulating myself from being seen as the strategic threat

First confessional before first IC

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I was thrust on a good tribe we have JJ and Eric and hopefully this group of people won't make us last in competitions atleast lol maybe if we lose though hopefully i can argue why jack needs to go with his timezone but hopefully i don't have too.

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im ngl idk why i decided to play tumblr survivor again and the instant paranoia of just caring about my PLACEMENT is going to keep me up at night *shivers*

It's been a day in and so far I really like our tribe! I'm vibing with a few of them and it looks like there's been alliance formed between myself, Julian and JJ. JJ has said that he owes it to Chrissa not to vote her out if we lose, and I think he has something with Megan on the side based off what Julian has told me. That leaves Will and Jack, and I've talked with Will a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and see if he wants to work with me too because I feel like to win this season, you will need to keep all your options open.

Day 2: I got to talk to Jack last night, he was talkin about how he did some funky fresh survivor statistics on how tribe swaps affect tribe line loyalties, which I found super interesting. Then I decided to share a statistics thingy I did on how the Final 3 format doesn't produce an even ratio of male / female winners, but the Final 2 format does, and how potentially something about the final 3 format in survivor could be a factor in why we haven't had enough female winners in the last few generations of survivor. But he didn't even believe there was a female bias in survivor.. which kinda threw me off. Oh well, we ended the conversation on a good note before I went to bed. Well, the tribe seems to be getting along well, I tried to get a tribe call going, but it ended up just being me and Megan helping Chrissa with strategies to get higher scores in the challenge. She can't seem to break 100, and I feel really bad for her, I hope the rest of us can carry this competition, because I would feel like the worst human being in the world if I gave someone first boot twice in a row. Not to mention I'd consider Chrissa a friend of mine. Maybe I'm playing this game a bit too emotionally, before we even have our first tribal. What a concept.. Will and I are only getting closer and closer, we continuously refer to each other, affectionately, as "Heather". But he really lied to me today, pretty hard core. He said he was gonna order his weight in mexican food when he got off work... but he ate Thai instead...? How dare he ??? Rude. Anyways, if he's lying about that, what else could he lie to me about? Smh. Fuckboys amirite? I think that if we lose this challenge, Jack would be an easy vote off. He's in a different timezone, and his age unfortunately would make it really difficult to have a decent social game. If we lose more than once, there's one of two things that could happen.. 1.) There's a standoff between Julian, Megan and I, trying to maneuver this tribe to remove each other. Which is exactly why a friendship / showmance / whatever with Will is so important. Will would likely be the swing vote they try to get, I don't see Chrissa voting me out if I prove my loyalty at the first tribal our tribe faces. 2.) The three of us dominate the premerge portion of the game, and it becomes an impossible to maneuver situation for me at the merge, because all the connections I have outside of my own tribe, both Julian or Megan also have a hand in, with the exception of Jay, who I don't find myself falling that closely to. I feel like I might be thinking too much, too fast. I guess I just can't show the rest of my tribe that. I'm hoping my reads on the tribe are at least somewhat correct this time around. :/

Collin never ended up messaging Adam, and I was worried about falling behind the 8-ball, so I took alliance building measures into my own hands. I messaged Zach about joining up by stating that Collin had told me he also had a good conversation with Zach, and I made sure Zach didn't just feel "brought in" by asking him which person he would want to be 4 in our alliance. He suggested Cameron, which is fine by me. He hasn't officially reached out to Cameron yet, but our plan is to bring Cameron in if we end up losing, and I will probably want to vote Kyle or Grace in that scenario. Hope we don't lose though!

I don't really (or at least usually) stress about challenges and definitely not this early in the game, but some of these people are so stressed and panicky. Will (who I talked to about aligning earlier today like I had said I would in my last confessional) is stressed about not being able to beat his current high score of 199 and feels like he's on the lower end and might be eliminated. I was telling him though that this isn't necessarily about your score, but your ranking. You can get 209 or 189 and still get the same ranking. Chrissa on the other hand is totally panicking. She has an admittedly low score of 89 which she forgot to screenshot which is really rough. She same flash games aren't her thing (and I believe her) but when I tried to calm her down and say there's lots of time to improve and that we can win this, she continued to panic. There's not much I can do for her. I'm not aligned with her right now and she's just really scared to get first boot, which I don't even think will happen. JJ feels obliged not to make her first boot should the scenario present itself, and I'm aligned with him and Julian. If anyone's going home right now, it's probably Jack unless he has connections I am unaware of. I would really like to win though because I love our beauty tribe xoxo

I managed to find the idol clue, and in telling my formed trio of Collin and Zach, Zach accidentally revealed that he had found it too. I don't think he intended to tell me, so now I am not sure if I fully trust him. I'll work with him for now, but he is going to be a big move player and I'll have to watch out for that

Forgive me father for i have sinned it's been a day since my last confession I've made some progress me and grace knowing each other well pregame means i have an instant ally coming in to help not be first.....or second out and me and Collin seem to be kinda working together I guess?? I hope not fully sure but I feel confident I'm not going if we go to tribal.

youtube

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

FUCK entanglement! FUCK IT IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL hail santa that is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBoZlL8ZWzY

Zach is playing super hard out in the open. That is good for me, he can make connections to help our alliance, and if there is ever a moment where our alliance gets exposed, he will probably be out in the forefront as a target. The flip side of that is that I might not be able to go to the end with him if he could be perceived as the leader of my alliance, so I'll need to see how the game develops

We came in second in the immunity challenge by ONE POINT. Thank the lord because our group seems very cohesive at the moment, and going to tribal would have put everyone into scramble mode. I've been bonding the closest over the first 4 days with Isabelle, and I am hoping it can lead to a strong game relationship. Right now, we seem to be very social with one another and we have gone as far as to say we wouldn't vote for one another, but I'm still sort of waiting for that defining confirmation (as much as you can get that in Survivor). After that, I'd say I've been pretty chatty with Johnny and Monty equally (but I think I have a slightly tighter personal bond so far with Johnny). Abrielle I talked to more so over the first couple of days but I would say between her, Jay and Madison those are the ones I've made the least connection with. They all seem like good people, just haven't had as much traction chatting with them. I don't want us to go to tribal for as long as we can help it, because for me the best case scenario heading into a swap would be if our tribe had the numbers advantage and some sort of tribe-wide unity going into it. I feel like that way I could be in a good spot but also not in the forefront of the tribe alliance (I'd hope that would sort of fall on Monty or Johnny maybe because of their Tumblr Survivor experience). For now though, just continuing to get to know everyone as best I can and try and make sure people want me around, and have me in their plans moving forward.

https://youtu.be/2ix-llpzUOQ

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https://youtu.be/bwCjV8my_Zc ok my mom walked in so i didn't get to finish my thought, but i guess the full thought is just: what the fuck? like i'm really gonna be watching this vid on repeat while y'all are just trolling us. this will end up in my nightmares. know that. also my paranoia is once again setting in. as i mentioned in previous confessional, i feel like ben and i have bonded the most, and we've both pointed it out to each other, but now i feel like he's pointing it out... almost too much? he's basically comparing our convos to his with the rest of the tribe and that they're much better (which i lowkey agree), but something feels fishy because again IM PARANOID. AM I BEING PLAYED?? like literally the scenario in my mind is that everyone's aligned except me and ben has been chosen as the bug to make me feel comfortable. okay yes im crazy. and it's only day 2 whew! im going to bed goodnight.

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ok now ive found a video about spectograms the channel has liked. this hunt is getting me anxious bc slowly but surely the amount of views on the immunity idol vid is increasing. AHHHH

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ok i found the spectogram and it literally spells out "SINK." (also this shit is scary so again, my nightmare comment holds.) so there are 5 other followers, which makes me know for sure that at least 5 other ppl have found this vid. also i have no idea what to do with the word. i assume that it'll come in handy eventually (maybe a password? send in a chat? comment on the vid? something?) and i really really hope im the only person to find this. i know that's unlikely tho.

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oh my god. oh my fucking god. the clue is at survivor-mesopotamia.tumblr.com/sink . im screaming. proud of myself. BUT of course it says... "clue Though you have found it, No clue has emerged. UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Come back when you’ve merged." i- i have to wait until i've merged. HA. we'll see if bitches get that far. and im bitches. anyways sorry for the spam, now back to your regularly scheduled programming

Day 3: I almost forgot to do this confessional. But here I am, in bed, watching Avatar, and drinking butterscotch milk with Irish cream, which is surprisingly good? Anyways, here we go! First, you’re telling me that we LOST the challenge.. what the hell :( I thought I did so well having 188, but apparently even 256 wasn’t going to cut it. The fact that if Jack could improve his score by 30 points, means we’d be safe from tribal, it annoys me that it felt like he didn’t try as hard as Chrissa in the flash game? Julian, he says we can beast through this game and make final three. This is something I’d really love to be able to trust that he has in mind, but I just am unsure at this moment. He gave me information towards the idol search that I appreciate, and probably wouldn’t have figured it out myself. That felt good, but I feel like he wasn��t giving me everything he knew, just enough to make me feel comfortable. I’ll have to continue to keep my eye on him.. Next, Heather, or Will, my potential showmance. We’ve finally got the opportunity to call each other, we talked about the idol search, and our potential moves in the future. He told me he likes the idea of not playing with Julian, but right after he told me this, Julian asked if we were good? Which was kinda sketch. But I’ll do my best to trust Will, and call it a weird coincidence. Megan hasn’t talked to me much today, but she was a room moderator for sequester, and was visiting a friend today, so I can’t blame her. Chrissa is hopefully safe, I can’t give her first boot in back to back games together, I refuse to be that heartless. She’s so good I can’t do it. Eric hasn’t talked to me much either. For someone who should probably know that his name is on the block, I’m surprised Jack isn’t talking too much to me? Maybe it’s because I’m on the chopping block and I don’t know it. I’d be really heartbroken if I were the first boot.

So we lost the challenge by ONE FREAKING POINT, which sucks ass. But not me doing the best in my tribe on the challenge. We stan improvement. Anyway, it looks like the discussion for the vote is between Jack and Chrissa, namely Jack. Though Chrissa performed worse in the challenge, she's done a better job connecting with the rest of us than Jack has. As of now, that's what the general concensus is. I talked to Julian and he agreed, and we are aligned with JJ. Chrissa would vote our way to make sure it isn't her. Another thing that's happening is the idol search. The video made literally no freaking sense, but when the channel liked this video about spectograms, Julian put the video into it and it spelled sink. It turned out that by putting the word sink into the blog link, it says a clue will be there but at the merge. I guess this means for now there will be no idols, so as long as the people im with are truthful, the person who is planned to go home at tribal will go home without a shadow of a doubt.

https://youtu.be/ury1fLaZQec

Right now everyone on the tribe is at peace and getting along, but we all know that’s gonna change when we go to tribal council.

I'm sad we lost the first challenge. I came back to do better than i did the first time, so the idea of being the first boot would suck. I'm not that close with Chrissa so 100% she's my vote. She has played more seasons than all of us & the second chancers deserve their time. Also, Chrissa did the worst out of us in the challenge so it makes it easier to convince everyone to vote for her, but i also dont want to be the one who targets her first because that could come back round to me, and i would hate that as i've waited over a year for a 2nd shot at this. At the moment i'm closest with JJ & Will F, they are 100% my final 3 right now. I like Megan & Eric as well. I've only had 1 comversation with Julian and we did get on well but we havent talked about anything since then. I've tried to talk to Chrissa but she's never really tried to talk to me.

Hi!! Megan for my first confessional!! Yall are gonna have to remind me throughout my time in this game to do these because I'm SO bad at remembering to do confessionals lmaooo. So this first round there's been a lot going on. There are three tribes- newbies, flops, and a tribe of vets who have played well. Clearly I am on the flop tribe, because I was a SAD pre-merge boot in Svalbard. I was feeling really excited about my tribe and definitely thought we could do well and at least not lose the first challenge - we don't want to be flops again!! But alas, after a long day of doing that stupid entanglement flash game, we have proven our labels and FLOPPED yet again, getting last. SO. now we have to go to tribal council tonight. I am out of town this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to many people but I hope I can make it through this first vote. All I've heard so far is that people want to keep the tribe strong so we don't lose another challenge, and based on the first challenge scores, the two bottom challenge players would be Chrissa and Jack. So far I have heard that people want to do Jack instead of Chrissa, which I am fine with. I haven't talked to him that much and I think the time zone difference unfortunately puts him at a disadvantage, so honestly, we should probably vote him out first. I am nervous of course though because people have been fairly quiet and that's never a good thing, but I am hoping and praying that nothing crazy happens and Jack is the first boot and all is good and fine with that. Okay now I'll talk a little about the players on the tribe and how I feel about them- Okay so obviously I know JJ and Julian fairly well from previous games & also being in various group chats together. So far we are planning on working together as a trio and I am GOOD with that so far. Chrissa I have played with once before but she's not very social or talkative, and tbh, I haven't had a DM with her in this game yet, but she seems sweet. Eric I like a lot, he is funny and outgoing and a little chaotic and I love that in him. I think I know him from something previously but quite honestly I don't remember him, but he remembers me LOL. I hope they're good memories. Jack, again, I haven't talked to him much because of the time difference I think. Also isn't he like a minor? Oof that's weird. Anyway onto the final member of my tribe - the king, the legend, the literal love of my life - WILL!!!! I had never met Will before this game but we vibed IMMEDIATELY. We get along so well and we have a lot of things in common and we like the same kinda things. We've had a lot of really good conversations already and I feel the closest to him in this game by far, even though I have known other people on my tribe longer. I adore Will and I will do everything in my power to make sure we both get as far in this game as we can. Okay I think that's enough for a first confessional, bye!!!

Things have been pleasant and slow so far. Everyone on the tribe seems nice and at this point I’m still just hoping that we’ll all get as far in the game as possible at the expense of the more experienced players. I’m a little concerned because I haven’t really been party to any strategy talk yet; I think that’s just because no one has thought it necessary while we don’t have to go to tribal, but I’m still worried I might just be on the outs and not know it.

I’m SCARED I’ve been out of the loop for TOO LONG.

from what I've heard i am safe i won't be comfortable until i heard the votes not being all me.

https://youtu.be/oX4-_QPoqNk

https://youtu.be/YviOufmjmps

My brand is having 4 minute confessionals

from episode 1 https://youtu.be/VqDkCGLTARU

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from episode 1 also https://youtu.be/mklfEHtGp04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9UqNr3fbiE

Jack voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

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dxscxndxnts · 5 years

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Ok I’m HERE for the Buma brotp I definitely feel like Uma would give Ben tips on how to be more assertive when people undermine him. Ben would help Uma get better at diplomacy when things are rocky between the AKs and the VKs. Uma, Ben, and Evie would work together to get ALL of the kids off the isle 👏🏻 Also I feel like Ben and Uma’s friendship would force Mal to at least try to make amends with Uma. Pleeease feel free to add more hc!!

YASS TO PARTNERS IN POLITICS ANON!

Uma is kinda like the current champion of the villain kids because they all looked up to Mal at first, but then she didn’t give them a second thought for sixth months (except for that one time she went back during Return, saw them, and then…did nothing?) Then Uma fights for their freedom by force, and something actually comes out of it, so Uma is the fav among most of the VKs when they come over.

Ben doesn’t immediately catch onto this. At first, he uses figureheads like Mal and Evie to try and inspire VKs into being good, but it’s not working how he planned. He goes to Uma, remembering how she’s a natural born leader who also cares about the Isle, and at first she’s adamant against helping Ben (because it would be like helping Mal), but Ben plays the “don’t do it for me then. do it for the other kids who deserve a better life.” and that gets Uma on board.

It’s hard at first, and Uma’s first order of business is having Ben kick Mal off the initiative. Ben says he can’t and that the vks love Mal, but Uma stops the every vks she sees on their way to his office and asks them their opinion of Mal. Words like “traitor” “poser” “hypocrite” and plenty more colorful words were among the responses. Ben concedes and gently let’s Mal off the vks initiative (only for the time being).

Uma looks at all of their plans and is a cross between pissed and amused. Putting high school aged vks in high school classes? She knows better than anyone that most of the vks are probably not up to par with Auradon’s curriculum (her best friends are Mr. Can’t Read and Mr. Can’t Count). They’d be setting them up to fail! She demands classes be opened up for villain kid remedial courses, and that they are given any resources necessary to succeed. Ben is instantly astonished by Uma solving such a big problem that he didn’t even notice. It makes the scheduling business harder, especially with finding teachers willing to teach vks, but Uma reminds him that no one said it would be easy, so he’s willing to put in the effort.

In their little working Trio, Evie’s the brains, Ben’s the spirit, and Uma’s the perspective. Under their watch, the VKs get along just fine. Evie helps tutor the kids and even offers to teach some of the younger kids basic skills as well as get other honors students like Doug and Jane and Carlos in on it. Ben does his cute little Ben thing and checks in on all the vks regularly to make sure they’re all doing great (he’s like the super happy principal that always gives kids high fives). If any teacher has a problem with a vk, he oversees the problem (with assistance from Uma of course). Uma is kinda like the reluctant parent of all the vks. She has so many responsibilities: reviewing disciplinary cases on vks, keeping an open door policy so vks can talk to her about their problems, approving all of Ben’s ideas for the vks, doing her own damn school work–yet she cares about them all and does it all anyway.

Of course, doing all of this while Mal and Uma hate each other is tricky. Mal is trying to convince Ben that Uma is evil and that she has been since they were kids, and Ben does something Mal never thought he’d do: ask Uma’s side of the story. He brings them both into his office and has them both state their side of the story with no interruptions. It goes from childhood drama to teen angst to the whole ‘Picked for Auradon’ situation, and it all eventually ends with a reluctant truce, and Ben just has to accept that as the best he’ll get for now.

I’m gonna dip into my hc that Uma and Audrey are bffs for a sec. In exchange for making her be nice to Mal, Uma makes Ben properly apologize to Audrey for dropping her (despite being spelled) and never going back and saying anything about it. Yay! Friendship rebuilt!

I should probably mention that Harry HATES how much attention Uma gives Ben now that they’re all buddy-buddy on the council. He’s always had that little bit of jealousy since Cotillion (even though Ben was spelled) and he just can’t stand Ben bc he’s a King, he’s successful, AND he’s now Uma’s “friend.” Harry starts doing dumb shit to get in trouble so Uma will have to see him more (she represents the villain kids, of course) and it just makes drama WHICH WE LOVE!

Okay that’s all I got for now :)

#descendants #descendants 2 #descendants 3 #disney descendants #uma descendants #uma daughter of ursula #ben descendants #ben son of belle and beast #ben x uma #uma x ben #buma

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6ad6ro · 5 years

Text

um so… i woke up thinking of this old friend. she was like best friends w my bad ex? like i used to hang out w her like crazy. she was rly nice? mostly? tho she def had this issue where she didn’t rly know what she wanted in life. and let other ppls warped judgements of “how ppl should act” rub off on her.

like i remember times she would more or less call me a lazy piece of shit to my face. like it was somehow “understood”? but then i’d be like “why are u calling me that?” and she wouldn’t know. bc it wasn’t her actual opinion. she liked who i was. idk she was just rly confused. i think her brother was a cop. her dad was emotionally neglecting and like conservative or militant? i remember her always wanting to smoke pot but also saying “drugs are bad™”. she was someone who u could tell always wanted to be free but was held back by the opinions of the people around her.

especially her on again off again bf? i… didn’t like him. he wanted to grow up to be a politician. he only listened to classic rock. he looked and acted like a conservative wanabee eric foreman from that 70s show, but somehow even worse. he had her convinced that her dream was to be “a loving housewife”… it made me sick. i remember how he tried to convince her to stop hanging out w her best friend and me JUST bc she smoked pot. bc “she was an evil hippie and bad”. i mean tbh she SHOULD have stopped hanging out w my bad ex, but for completely dif reasons. like he was def that kinda guy. a selfish, immature, stubborn, self-righteous idiot. but he was the first guy to ever rly like her. and she had… self esteem issues. i remember how she would… was always waiting for him to decide to wanna go out w her. she seemed so lonely.

her and i were kinda friends separately from my bad ex (lets call her “A”). so one time i remember she ended up coming over to hang w me n watch rocky horror in my room? it was rly fun tbh!! we were having a great time! it was totally innocent! but i remember at one point she like… got weird. got up. and was like “im sorry i think i’m being a bad person i gotta go”. and left? i didn’t get it at the time? or rather… i think i denied it. she clearly liked me, wanted something to happen that night, and felt like a bad friend for having those thoughts. i never asked her about it but looking back it was p obvious. also A was a control freak n just a bad person… so i wouldn’t be surprised if she told L to stay away from me. even tho A was constantly cheating on me n using everyone around her etc. idk it was complicated.

i also remember another time before her and that guy that became her bf (lets call her “l” and him “m”)… i remember there was some small party at my house and for some horribly embarrassing reason my bad ex (we were still together then) convinced me to mess around w her under a blanket in same room as our other friends? we were all v v drunk. i guess it made others in room feel v lonely n so L and this other girl started like… both making out w the one other guy in the room? it was bizarre. that kind of stuff is fine in some circumstances? but this was rly unhealthy. i remember the guy felt bad and told the other girl he had to stop bc he had always rly liked L and wanted to see where things would go w her? other girl said she was fine w it (and knowing her persona it easily was?) and he ended up napping on floor w L. next day i think she woke up, completely regretted what happened, and ran back to M. it kinda sucked for guy bc he rly cared about her but she never even was willing to talk about what had happened. to her it was just a drunken mistake (i knew she kinda liked him back but obv she was scared).

even w all that stuff, L was a constant member of our hangout group for like… 7 or 8 years straight? idk! it was always rly fun w her! even if, looking back, A constantly was ruining all our fun w her insane bullshit. i have fond memories of 3am park hangouts n just roaming around talking n going on adventures… i’d never cheat on a partner. never have, never will. but i think i did have like… feelings for L that i always ignored? that part of her that… wanted freedom? from those weird family’s/bf’s/society’s ideals that she let chain her down? it was attractive. she was a nice person just doin her best.

anyways i remember around when A and i finally broke up for good (only a month after my dad died, if u wanna know how awful of a person A was). and she ended up taking me aside n warning me that A had been cheating on w me w another guy, but it’d gotten serious w him. and A of course was lying and stringing me along so she could get money n sex from me etc. A using me was p common. but L had had enough and “betrayed A” (did a v nice thing) and told me. i think that was… really what set in motion A and i being done for good. that helped wake me up about what a horrible person A was. and had always been. i’ll always be grateful to L for that. that must’ve been hard for her. and i think her and A’s like 10 year friendship died over that. which rly was a good thing like A was a terrible person.

anyways fast forward like 2? 3?? 4 years? L had gone off to a college out of state w her boyfriend M. she… followed him around. no judgement, but it prob wasn’t good for her. i was in an apartment in another city and me and A had been DONE™ for years. i was still def hurt from the 8+ years of abuse, but i was def over her at least. seeing other ppl regularly. it was def a weird time for me but… that’s another story.

L and i hadn’t rly talked in years. i just didn’t rly associate w ppl A still hung around. i never knew her and L had stopped being friends or i prob woulda kept up w L. i don’t think L and i cut off contact on purpose, but it was just one if those “things”. but L hit me up outta the blue. was like “ back in town do u wanna hang?” and we did! it was rly nice seeing her! we went out and about. idk. we started hanging for a bit. but she… idk she clearly rly enjoyed my company? but also… had those weird judgements. idk.

one time we were hanging and she was at my place and saw all the alcohol i had layin around and was like “hey uhhh can i have some?” and i was like “hehe okay i guess we can drink” and ordered a pizza and we just hung out.

idk but before we got drunk she finally told me why she was back. M, the guy she had followed to college, had done the gross, stereotypical dude thing of breaking up w her right after they both graduated. i got a vibe he had been cheating on her all throughout too. he rly was the type. and as we drank we talked about it. i felt so bad for her. she vented all night. and idk all i remember was we were both v drunk and i think i was… idk why my head was in her lap? but she was playing w my hair. and idk. we kissed. things happened. she seemed so happy w it! i was too. i even stupidly cracked a joke “i bet A would be rly pissed if she saw us rn” and we both laughed. i always regretted sayin it tho bc its not like i was doin it to get back at A.

but i remember we were in my bed making out bc i had accidentally gotten aggressive w her n slammed her into a wall n started kissing her? so hard her nose started bleeding? i felt awful but she LOOOVED it and idk we somehow wound up in bed. idk i kinda regret this. bc… i was having a hard time around then and… just sleeping w all my friends? it just became… clockwork. i would do what i thought my friends wanted me to do regardless of how i felt. i had become kinda a slut.

so i remember like… making out but then i started to escalate things? and i think fir a split second she sobered up and was like “wait lets cool this down a little”. and i was like “okay no prob” and we both tried to go for a walk n find a park? we walked hand in hand and she kept telling me how happy she was? like how… this was the kinda stuff M would never do with her? she was just smiling a lot. it was cute. but i was so drunk n still fairly new to area, so i took her in wrong direction from the park. we ended up giving up n just walking back.

we got back in and thats i think when she sobered up mostly but i wad still out of it? and she realised her dog hadn’t been fed. it was def a partial excuse but she rly loved that dog so i could tell it was REAL guilt. i felt bad bc i tried to take her hand n go back into my room bc i wanted her to stay n cuddle? i was just drunk. i wasn’t forceful, but i shoulda been like “oh that’s fine!” but tbh i was also a touch worried she was too drunk to drive. well anyways… she left.

later we did have a looong talk about it. like… she ended up going to try and get back with M again (i still will never know what she saw in him like he rly used her n treated her bad like even going so far as to ask her advice on dating other girls after they broke up). but idk i thought she was smart enough to end things w him, and could tell her and i had feelings, so i tried to stay a lil closer than friends? idk what i told her but it was along the lines of “we can stay friends but if things happen sometimes it’s okay w me”. i look back on it w embarrassment but i guess it wasn’t that bad a thing to say?

but rly it was mostly a drunken mistake. and she was scared. and wanted to cut it off. she couldn’t end things w M like she was still torally in love w him even tho he had abandoned her. tbh i know what that’s like. well anyways i remember a few hangouts later she just… bailed on me? in a rly mean way? i had gone to pick her up from her house (idk 30 min drive each way) and she just… totally stood me up. i was parked at her house like texting her wondering where she was? and she sent me a text like “sorry something came up”. and wouldn’t tell me what happened and i got annoyed and drove home.

i have a feeling now that like M had… shown back up in her life and she sorta… threw me away to run back to him? i mean i can’t take it too personally bc she woulda done that to ANYONE. i don’t remember what happened after that but we just stopped talking again. i saw later on fb that her and M had gotten engaged or married?? idek? idk if her and i are still fb friends or if one of us blocked the other or what? i don’t remember.

but idk. i hope she’s well. i hope M got WAYYY better. or she left him. or idk. i wouldn’t even know how to contact her. i’m almost afraid to. like bc i… could see her giving up on her dreams and just being that housewife to him. even if she was mildly content doing that, i know she’d never be happy. and it’s so unlikely that he’d have grown to be good to her. i just… hope she’s doing well and is okay and happy. idk why i woke up worrying about her. it’s been so long… i’m such a dif person now. idk. time is weird.

#long

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shultzing · 6 years

Text

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good.

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible?

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort?

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic.

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart.

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that.

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?”

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet.

#personal

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tempestuous-cosplay · 4 years

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Flower Asks

Alisons: Sexuality?

Demi-romantic poly-pansexual.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

They Them non-binary

Amaryllis: Birthday?

July 20!!!!! Gunna be 25

Anemone: Favorite flower?

Can’t choose. But its something blue, purple, or red. I really like Hydrangeas and Narcissus flowers.

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

Brooklyn 99, Avatar the Last Airbender, MeatEater

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Depends on whats needed.

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

ah, man, i don’t fuckin know. Probably the line “Change IS nature, dad, the part we can influence. And it all starts when we decide.” from ratatouille

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Water, milk, then sprite. Unless we talkin booze, tequilla.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ABSOLUTELY

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yup. Would love to have that again one day, but not now.

Baneberries: Favorite song?

Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost at the moment, but consistantly its Pierre by Rynn Weaver.

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Better than some but has its issues.

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I have 5 closest friends whom i LOVE and talk to with any regularity.

Begonia: Favorite color?

PURPLE

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

DRAGON

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

I like being awake in the morning bc then it feels like i have so much time to do stuff, but my sleep schedule always shifts to being a night owl.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

a Kite or a hawk for all that fancy flying.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A veterinarian, a puppeteer, or the next david attenborough.

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

I eventually want ONE, just one, of my own when I’m living with a community who will help me raise them. But really, i think too many people are having children who just should not be parents.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Being in love again bc the last times its happened I got traumatized.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I always used to say i would never get tattoos and now i have one and plans for more. Ain’t gunna stop till im covered.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

I would travel up to my friend @b-oredzoi and spent the day with her. She ain’t got a choice.

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single but with some FWB situations goin on.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

anywhere outside continental US. Im not picky. Top choices Kyoto Japan, the french countryside, p much anywhere in africa.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when im tripping on acid or when my friends are hugging me real tight.

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

YEAH, got one on my thigh.

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

YUP, lobes and one cartilage

California Poppy: Height?

5′4 and hating every second of it. Wish i was taller.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

100%

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

skill boxers stolen from an ex-friend and a shirt that im not 100% sure is mine??? but I’ve had it for a year and wear it all the time soooooooooooo. Mine now

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I used to sleep with the closet light on until i was, like..... 14? 15?

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?

myyyyy mom prolly.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my pal Eli

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

something swoopy and pretty. Or the one thats just emojis.

Columbine: Are you tired?

always

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

getting top surgery and corona being over.

Coneflower: Dream job?

philanthropist actor/ director.

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

ambivert.

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

We did this with balsom fir. anyway, yes i have been!!

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

depending on who they are, as far as they needed me to. I don’t THINK i would kill anyone, but there are a few people i would willingly die for.

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

A green and purple dragon named Puff, who i still have. He’s always either in my bed or on a shelf in my room.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Cancer

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Didn’t die. Helped stop my grans house from burning down.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

so far its getting my associates degree. Either that or dragging myself out of a horrible depressive, self destructive spiral in 2018-2019, getting the help i needed, and doing better for myself and those around me.

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?

figure out why and wither resolve it or dump the partner.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

my dad prolly.

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Crafty stuff. and animal trivia.

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

organizing anything, remembering dates, statistics.

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Got okayed for top surgery

got surprise money!

Got a sentimental piece of art from my grandparents (at long last.)

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

p solid. Helped my dad with some yard stuff, made a yummy dinner, saw most of the supplies i need for a new project shipped.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

mmmmmmm not really, but im getting there.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Graduate, move out, get a good, fulfilling job. Travel some more.

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

The friends who stuck around

my plushie collection

my tarot collection

my print collections from cons

finally having a queen sized bed

books

my pets (wow, almost forgot about them)

my fursuit making skills

my hair

my gently rising self esteem

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

petting soft things, reading, watching Ghibli movies.

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

all them love languages bro. Every single one. I tailor my affection to the individual and what love language they receive most. Mostly, I cook for people.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

We’ve done this one too!

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Its a nice balmy 72 degrees with a nice breeze. The sun is shinning with some clouds here and there. I go to the zoo with some friends/ a friend and we just share random facts about our favorite animals. we get some cute plushies at the gift shop and then go to a wonderful meal, either greek or korean bbq or Pho and we go back to someones house to watch movies and vibe, sleepy, warm, and content.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

read, craft, organize my room, draw, garden, swim.

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I dont have a singular “Best friend”. I do have my Inner circle tho!

Laura- we met my freshman year of collage, first day and we click INSTANTLY. She’s my soulmate and I would go to hell and back for her (RIP to Orphius, but im different)

Bly- we met, like, back in 2014/2015 at house parties but didn’t really start getting SUPER close like we are now until, like, 2017/18/19 ish. Really the only person I actively talk to every single day, my mood twin. We share a braincell.

Syd- we met at, like, Momocon 2014? 2015?? something like that???? bc we roomed together. We started getting close in 2016 by bonding over fursuit stuff. My go to roadtrip partner. I kinda owe my current joy for life to her bc she helped me through my hell time in 2018 but kicking my ass and teaching me how to make fursuits.

Eli- we met at Dragon-Con through a mutual friend in 2014, but didn’t really get close until may of 2019. Now we’re p much partners in everything but title bc we just don’t have romantic feelings for eachother. We share a therapist and hang out at least 3 times a month.

Shane: We’ve been friends since, like, 2010 but started getting close in 2017 when they helped me get a job. Then we just,,, stuck around. They kick my ass to get out of the house and do stuff, or did before corona

Sammi : Friends since 2010 when we were in highschool together. Our friendship was super rocky until we were in different schools and smoothed out as we aged and matured. They are the reason i got into conventions and cosplay as a whole, so they have only themselves to blame for how I am now.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Eli and laura.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

my inner circle is, like, 6 people, but friends as a whole like.... idk.... 20?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

“Your gender vibe, is, like, primordial. Its a perfect blend of masculine, feminin and things that are just indescribable.”

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I hate myself, to be perfectly honest. But Im trying my best to be a good person and a good friend, so I don’t have to like me, as long as the people who matter do.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my hair. Also how much better at communication i’ve gotten.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

my adhd and the social symptoms of that.

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked swinging and listening to the sounds of shoes on carpet. Good stim time.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

I never really had a best friend for more than 2 years. They would always move away, So i don’t really have a solid “best friend as a kid.” Why yes, I do have abandonment issues.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

How my last relationship ended. I pulled some STUUUUUUUPID shit and never got to own up to it or hold the other person accountable for the harm they did to me. It was just overall horrible and never got any type of closure. Likely never will. But it be that way sometimes.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

My grandfather died last week and i feel........ almost nothing bc I honestly really did not like the man. He was horrible to me growing up and horrible to my mother while my grandmother was sick and dying. But he did a number of good things too. But I feel guilty for not mourning him more.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I chose Sawyer bc when I was younger, I was very good at wriggling my way out of work and my mom and aunts would call me “Tom Sawyer”. I also just like Mark Twain and the name Sawyer in general. Feels good

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

In the suberbs of atlanta in a nice house on the Chattahoochee river. I’m actually still living there while I finish school.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Rosey wall paper and gross maroon carpet until 7th grade, when we painted it all blue and put in blue carpet. It was, and is, very VERY blue. Im gunna be painting 2 walls different colors soon.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

Miserable, tbh. A lot of shit happened when i was 16 that left me with a lot of trauma and issues that I didn’t really have the maturity or energy to deal with while in highschool on top of being queer and dealing with that. So it was a lot of fighting with parents, self loathing, and struggling in school. It had its beautiful wonderful moments that I love with all my heart, but for the most part it was just kinda rough.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Georgia born and raised. She tries her best and is a wonderful mother, but we clashed a lot growing up bc she’s fairly neurotic and likes everything to be precise and orderly and perfect and im... ADHD so sometimes close enough is all you’re going to get. Growing up, i couldn’t communicate what was going on with me or happening in my head very well at all, and it caused a lot of tension.

Onions: Tell about your dad.

Hes from Bogota colombia and im almost a carbon copy of him. That means our issues with ADHD have a happen of blowing up at eachother. He’s horrible and constructive communication, but overall is sweet and funny and very very clever. My relationships with both of them are p okay nowadays with a few spats here and there that I will deal with when I don’t live with them anymore.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

I never met my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandfather died when I was 6 and i hardly remember him.

My maternal step grandfather was.... not a good man but he was interesting and incredibly smart and fairly liberal. So there was that at least. But, to be honest, I hated the guy.

My maternal grandmother was one of my favorite humans in the world. She spent her whole life a highschool science teacher. She was funny, witty, elegant, a fairly talented cook who always encouraged me in everything I tried. Im still dealing with some emotional stuff regarding her passing, but Im just always so glad i got to spend as much time with her as I did.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

haha shit. Maybe my 21? A bunch of friends and i went and hung out at a park then got hammered at my house after.

Peony: What was your first job?

Working at the summer camp i went to as a kid. Debating going back if I ever can.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I want my future partner to be a friend where things just, grew and blossomed.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Emotional? I try to be constructive and communicative about who or what caused it and doing something productive to help deal with it.

Physical, i just ignore it until it goes away.

Pink: Where is home?

Wherever Im going to sleep that night.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

When my ex broke up with me, I would have cut all ties all together instead of try the whole “we can stay friends” bullshit. I would have just “I don’t hate you, but If we aren’t going to be together, I can’t be friends with you until I’ve had some time to heal.”

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

nope

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’ve made my fortune and when I say things people listen, but I can also run away to my beautiful little homestead with my queer friends and wife and all our animals and children living together in a wonder queer commune. I get to travel twice a year and i never have to worry about money.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

hmmmm. No idea.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

can’t pick one person.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

wind chimes probably.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oh man, too many to choose. I’ve lived a wonderful life so far.

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Too many to choose. THe night I got dumped, my grandmothers funeral, my friends funeral, some others that I don’t wanna talk about due to triggers. bleah

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

I want..... soup dumplings.

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Depends. really intense or personal feelings involving my depression or emotions is almost impossible to talk about. But my feeligns about films and stuff i have 0 issues talking about.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Laura

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

idk, like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

School

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

im.... technically self employed/ unemployed. I want a job tho.

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My killstar hoodie.

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.

Disaster gay.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

A tarot deck

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Corona virus. and money.

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

The entire Heros Of Olymus series The lightning thief and Sea of monsters The trials of Apollo The last unicorn.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

ideally living with friends and one year away from graduation.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

*sweats* yea

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

im a witch

#Just felt like it #long post #all about me

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survivorelara · 6 years

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Episode #7: “Bon Appetite Bitch” - Dani

Merge time baby, this is where the game starts. My first job is to figure out who flipped in that last tribal, I'm betting on Loris, but if it's John I'd probably understand as well. Regardless it's disappointing because as far as "OG Tribe Lines" it's now 5v5v2, which sucks.

I think I've likely got an ok position at the moment, the real move is trying to make sure I've got an in with a lot of people, and to make sure I find myself in the majority.

Here's hoping my first tribal council doesn't turn out to be my last due to social misplays.

We merged woo, my streak of never dying premerge continues :D. However, it does feel like an early merge. There's still 12 people left, I have a strong feeling someone ain't gonna make the jury... 👀

I just noticed im the only Aquarius left woot woot. Game wise, hello, it's merge. I'm finally messaging people, introducing myself and what not. I'll check in later to list all of the people that don't like me, but for now let's go into this hoping that I'm charismatic

Ok sooooo...... tribal did NOT go as planned but it still was good because I could’ve gone easily but drew t saved my ass because I saved his last week. we love good karma. Roxy literally forgived me without asking her to and we have merged so I don’t feel that at risk anymore. :) I just gotta keep talking to everyone so my name doesn’t get raised.

oh lord. You know idk what I’m gonna do yet Because I don’t want to work with pre friends but i don’t necessarily like my tribe either So that leaves me with loris Idk I’ll figure it out

For now, I'll do a hot or not and comments Roxy- NOT. I have to talk to her almost continuously or else she'll think we aren't allies and vote me out. (not that we are allies rn but still) Ci'ere- DECENT. He's nice but replies are sporadic and idk if he wants to work with me. Loris- HOT AS FUCK. my #1 right now, he's p cool <3 John - STEAMING? He is so nice and so cute but he seems close to purple drew. Purple Drew - LUKE WARM. Love the dude, but I am semi trying to avoid pre game friendships. Little Mix Drew- STRAIGHT FIRE. only bc of LM. in reality, more SEMI WARM. it may turn out that each side has a little mix supporter? Drachus - WHO TF KNOWS. I cannot tell if this man is playing me or not. He tells me he can't vote him out, but is that true? We havent been to tribal and he seems to be lying to me about how much he knows. If he really doesnt know all that... he seems like someone I can maybe work with. We've been loyal to the end for each other before. Just keep in mind- I'm not playing for 8th. Emma- queen? She's inactive but a great number for me. We tell each other stuff and she's just precious. Kori- challenge threat, and someone who I want to be my shield. Dani- shes so inactive bruh like what even Dylan- also inactive.

so its 5 revati, 4 auva, 3 zosma. Zosma and Auva have 2 a piece of people who I loved pregame and would consider working with. So who knows? I have a double majority, so lets not be surprised when I'm first out.

Well, I THINK I'm in an ok-ish spot. I've talked with a LOT of people, IDEALLY the next one gone is Sam just so that I can get Dani more on my side and make it clear that I wanna work with her.

I'm a little salty Altager didn't beat the basic tribe name of Orion... but I'll get over it... eventually...

In other news, I ate a burger today... it was adequate.

MERGE BABIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm elated to make the merge AND get to name the tribe! Like that's fucking sickening! I'm excited to see what the merge holds for me because that was a rocky pre-merge phase. Like obviously I wasted my idol, blah blah. And like I was an emotional mess like the entire way through. It sucks being the one that has to blindside people and like break hearts- but in the end, that's the way it is. I just love that I'm getting to play IN THE MERGE. Like I rarely ever do that because I am too much of a physical threat (in most ORGs) to be allowed into the merge. So I'm super glad that I get to play in the merge and I just have to put myself in a mindset where I can be carefree and not let the stress of the pre-merge weigh me down!

Well, The challenge went pretty well I think, not sure if I won or not though, we'll see.

I'm getting frustrated with Ci'ere though. Everytime we talk they take hours to respond, even when they initiate the conversation, and I respond within 4 minutes. My patience is definitely getting tested.

Well, I didn't win the challenge, I was closeish, got all the right constellations. I just kinda, didn't math correctly in calculating my Tiebreaker number... not sure what I even did to reach that number anymore.

Regardless, I just gotta keep the target off of me, get a feel for what others are thinking, and go from there. Ideally Sam or Ci'ere since Dylan who I'm still not a fan of won.

Ci'ere has been making a bit more effort with me, which has me a bit suspicious, so Sam is ideal just to make it clear to Dani that I DO wanna work with her.

What do people do when they merge? Like this concept is so foreign to me that this laziness is actually nice. Its peaceful and serene. Like my god. If this is the case, why the fuck do I not try to make the merge more often? Honestly, this revelation is so beautiful, I may ugly cry just thinking about it!

ok no offense but the conflict between dani and ci'ere seems literally so beyond fake i can't even comprehend it. maybe im wrong but like it feels so planned, like dan's funeral or smth.

also ci'ere just like formally asked to work with me which was really sweet so hi. they also spilled some tea about roxy/drew/drew2.0 and how theyve been working together without me so. yoinks. glad i won immunity because i wouldve been so lost

Man i'm finna make that bitch dani leave, im working my ass off to save ciere and get her outta here since she's HELLBENT on getting us out. No no, you don't do that. Hope you enjoy merge boot and hopefully just missing out on jury :)

So yeah, the main name floating around has been ci'ere. But the thing is, I've been talking with people and dani seems disposable to a lot of people. So i'm tryna convince the people i'm close with to vote her out instead of ci'ere. Because here's the thing, if dani survives until next vote and ci'ere leaves, she's going to be after me. What i'm saying to my crew is that if ci'ere survives, he'll be with us while dani isn't close with like anyone, she just talks to throw names out cuz she sucks at this game. so like, if people really want ci'ere out, it'd be so much easier to simply blindside him next vote if we wanted, because he'd feel so safe. Esp since im 95% sure one of those 2 have an idol, so i'm gonna try my best to either flush it from ci'ere, or blindside the fuck outta dani sending her home packing with it

suprise bitches after a boring pre merge i am actually playing the game i just need to see which side everyone is on i may use my idol to have my side be on control i could probably be first merge boot before i play yikes! also me and loris are powerful... he has the legacy advantage his mind omg

I hate this cast. Yell at me for a short confessional if ya gotta.

Deadass probably setting myself up for failure this vote with going after dani so hard but fuck it idc, didn't have a chance to get rid of her after louise had left and she told toby to get the fuck outta here, and now I do and she's going and hopefully joins him in the vl :) toby this one's for you homie, miss ya lots <3

W e l l, things have went left here at the Orion camp 😄 I woke up to Andrea & Loris letting me know that Auva 2.0 was after me & that I should play an idol if I had one. Apparently the Auvacados are getting bad vibes from me? However, Dani was the one that made a move against y’all so why am I getting getting ya knickers in a bunch? I previously started laying down the groundwork to have people turn on Miss Dani, but I decided to toss that plan out the window. Last night, Loris told me that John Coffey was the Revati that flipped last round and it’s because he’s friends with Drew H. I’m certain that the Drews, Roxy, & John have an alliance that finalized right before the merge. So that needs to be broken up right away. I went to Dylan, an OG Auva, to let him know that his old tribemates said he was on the outs and they made an alliance with Louise, Dani, & I. He seems to be interested in voting with me, and if he isn’t, then he’s a flop.

Sam called me “babe” earlier & I really cannot with this flirting strategy, but I’m not opposed to it! I guess I would consider him my final 2, but I’d say he’s playing well so I might need to cut him before that hehe.

I don’t like this back and forth running around nonsense, so I’m laying it all out on the table. I exposed the Auvacado 2.0 alliance. I hinted that I have an idol that I really don’t want to use, but I probably will just in case they think I’m bluffing & people don’t target me in the future for it. Apparently this caused people to start scrambling which I’ll have you know is my favorite type of egg. Deviled eggs are good af too 😈

Sam says that we shouldn’t go for Roxy because he has an in with Drew T. & that we should keep Dani the target because she threw out our name. Dani says that John & Kori threw out my name to her. Do I believe her? Not exactly. In the tribe chat when I asked Dani to vote for Roxy, she says that she likes her & would rather do someone else. This is a mess. So right now it’s looking like myself, Sam, Andrea, Loris, Emma, Dylan & Drew T.?

Why is everyone always going after me what the shit. Its drew t and h fault im like their fuckin scategost I jk I love them but im so annoyed why is the fall out if the shit theyfor do, gets blamed on ne when I havent dine anything loll fuck off

I love u drews tho

I knew going into the merge that I wanted Ciere out sooner rather than later; and when an alliance with Dani and kori was formed I thought I’d be able to get him out right away. Dylan won immunity which is awesome because he’s easily my favorite right now. Idk what it is about him but we just vibe really well right now. I’m not sure where I stand with old revati other than kori who asked me to be his final 2 the other day. I’m a wannabe puppet master and nobody was taking my bait to vote ciere. Well it seemed like they were until little rat decides to announce that I had an alliance with the Drew’s and Roxy. I went telling everyone the chat is barely even active and we voted together once. As of now the majority is seeming to want Dani and Kori isn’t answering aoooo idk who I’m voting for I kinda still want to do ciere cause I swore to Dani I wouldn’t vote for her, but I also don’t like her attitude all that much tonight. Same old Dani from unifinished business, but I actually was going to have her back. I’m a mess!!!!!!!!111

WELL BITCH I MIGHT BE GOING. These motherfuckers REALLY want me gone huh? WELL IM NOT GOING OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT. Roxy will rue this day. ROXY WILL RUE IT. She just fucked over her whole damn alliance.

Dani is voted out 9-2-1.

#episode #flyinghigh

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weedeyedhoney · 6 years

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a post about my crush. i need to let my feelings out somewhere.

i hung out with my crush two nights ago and not to sound like a 2010 taylor swift song, but it was a fairytale. but like, my kind of fairytale. i can’t even explain to you how relaxed i felt the whole time i was with him. when i like someone, just being around them makes me feel at ease. there’s no awkward silences, or uncomfortable body language. that’s how i usually determine who i want to be around, and who i’d rather stay away from. he doesn’t make me feel weird around him, and i don’t overthink. i’m literally..... just..... living in the moment. there. is. no. other. place. i’d. rather. be. i love that feeling. i love carrying alone with a clear mind and carefree attitude. i love not worrying about the next move, and enjoying what’s right in front of me. that’s how he makes me feel!!!!! two days later, and i still don’t want the night to end. i can’t wait until i see him again.

he’s so funny. his humor is cute. and dorky. and i kid you not, i was probably wearing this goofy ass smile the whole time. i remember being so nervous about meeting up with him. i mean, i went alone. i didn’t want him to think “wow this bitxh really has no friends.” i was worried that i’d get there and he’d already be gone. it was supposed to be a casual meet up, i mean WE’RE FRIENDS, but the virgo in me always has to overthink the worst case scenario. but i arrived at the bar, with the big upstairs room that looks over the horrendous view of dirty 6th. it’s funny how we lose our minds in such a dreadful place. it’s even funnier how that doesn’t bother me at all as long as he’s around. the bar wasn’t as crowded as a saturday night. the room was kinda empty, and the floor seemed like it stretched for miles. i walked starting at the ground, and glanced up every few seconds trying to spot him. in the midst of getting caught up in my own thoughts, i notice two feet planted right in front of me. i look up and see him...... my crush!!! it was like a movie. deadass. it was like we were the only two people in the room. he gives me a hug, and looks happy to see me. every negative thought in my mind vanishes. “hey there you are” he says. “we’re actually about to leave, but come on, you can hang with us.” bet. i’m up for it, i’m up for anything. we find his friend, his best friend, and we head out. we go to his bar across the street. his friend, who is a dj, finds interest in the dj playing that night and goes up to talk to him, leaving my crush and i alone. just like any other modern day romance, he buys me a beer and we stare at each other awkwardly (but like, cute awkward) and small talk until we get bored of the place and leave. the three of us continue to bar hop around. the whole time my crush was being the life of the party (cancer nodded). we people watched from the upstairs at this one club, and started throwing straws at people becuase we’re immature, but geez. i was laughing the whole time. everything felt lighthearted. he’s so..... cool.

then shit started to get rocky. we arrived at what would be the last bar of the night. as soon as we arrived, his friend decides to leave. i panic. this would mean my crush and i would be alone!!!!!!! fuck. his friend leaves and we sit there on this picnic table until i break the silence by saying “we should take a shot! your birthday shot!” he agrees, but also, a little distracted. “i think i’m going to talk to her.” i turn around and see this white girl sititng at the end of the table. “oh....” i start, “uhhh well okay” i stand there, a little awkward. i’m really sure what to do. i’m not about to get a shot for someone who is just going to leave me there alone. he turns around to smile at the girl, and she gives him this awkward smile back. i see her make eye contact to this guy in line buying drinks. ah ha! this girl’s already taken. do i tell my crush? well, i try, but he chooses to be a guy and not listen. hm. “i think i’m gonna go to the bathroom first.” i tell him. then i leave and let him realize on his own.

while in the bathroom, i begin to reevaluate this whole situation. 1. i know that i like him. 2. but he thinks we’re just here as friends. 3. jealously in an ugly look on me. 4. if what i think is true then that girl is out there with that other guy and he’s sititng alone by himself. i pull up my boss ass bitxh pants (even tho i was wearing a dress), and go back out there. listen. im a virgo. a mutuable sign. whatever fate decided for me, i was just going to have to deal with it. i walk back out and sure enough, he standing alone that THAT GIRL IS WITH THAT GUY!!! i let out a sigh. i knew it. i either had two options. 1. to walk back to him and act petty, distant, and uninterested bc what the fuck. or 2. pretend nothing happened and i wasn’t bothered, and be his friend. i chose the latter. i went up to the bar, made sure he didn’t see me, and asked the bartender to order me two of the sweetest shots. i knew my crush wasn’t a big fan of straight shots, which is why it would be a good idea to give him something sweet, that would drown out the taste. i got the shots, paid, and literally danced my way back to him. nelly’s “hot in here” was blasting on the speakers. he turned around to see me, and fuck, got this big smile on his face. “here you go!!! i got the two most sweetest shots!! they should be good.” i don’t know what came over me, but after that incident, i started being more talkative and open and less shy. it was a great idea on my part. earlier in the night he mentioned how he wanted to get high, so i asked him, “how long do you want to stay here?” and he responded, “i’m ready to leave when you are.” and i said “let’s go get high!!” and we ran off. from then on the vibe was different. i have it separated into two parts: before the white girl, and after the white girl. it was as if the beginning of the night was the opening act, not really sure how the night would go so we were both playing it safe. but after we left the last bar, everything felt more personal. we were actually having real conversations and joking like we hung out everyday. it reminded me of the first night we met. everything was so fast paced, but time was still going slow enough for us to wallow in every second. there was this rush!!! this burning energy that wasn’t going out anytime soon. there was literally not a dull moment. out energies bounced off each other, quick. and there was passion. i swear.

we arrived to his car that was parked at his best friend’s place. we got in his car and he quickly realized that the weed was left in his friends place. we waited for his friend to get home and went inside to get the highest of highs!!!!! “this is my friend _____’s place. as you can see..... i don’t bring just any random girl up here. consider yourself lucky ;)” asjsljsl!!!! i want to pull all my hair out. we sit down and this bitxh pulls out the weed and off we go. i notice that he has a cancer lighter..... ummmm my kink??? he points over to his friend’s dj set and his friend begins free styling while my crush and i start falling in love *ahem* i mean, talking in the background. i feel like this was one of the most crucial nights of the night. i’m kind of glad we weren’t alone because being around him and his friend, in a setting where he’s probably very comfortable, caused me to get to know a side of him i hadn’t seen before. he’s very talkative, very smart, and very opinionated, but not in a rude way (cancer nodded, again). i think what attracts me the most to him is that he seems pretty normal, like, real. he doesn’t try to be anybody that he’s not. what you see is really what you get and i like what i see. we started talking about school. he asked me what my major was, 4 months after knowing me. how hot is that?? my worst question ever is “what is your major?” i told him i didn’t know. instead of saying “well what do you like to do?” (which is my second worst question), or making me feel like a dumbfuck for not knowing, he said “hmm. well you’re really good at reading people. i can tell. and you also seem like you’re really good at talking to people too. maybe a therapist? i don’t know. i’m not telling you that that’s what you should be, but it’s always an option. i nod in agreement , and he continues, “but you’re smart, and i know you’ll figure it out.” what a perfect answer. what a perfect response. i proceed to ask him about his school life, and he gets a little stiff. kind of the way i do when people ask me. “uhhh well, i was supposed to graduate next semester, but i don’t think that’s going to happen. i have a lot of stuff going on, and i might have to be a part time student.” but that’s okay. you finished when you finish. i reassure him and then he reassures the both of us, and the next topic of the conversations appears.

i don’t know. i like him because he’s not put together, and i see a lot of that in myself. i love whenever i see my own reflection in somebody else because it’s easier to resonate and empathize and it always makes me feel more comfortable. it’s an indicator that i’m about to let my walls down, no control. we went to mcdonald’s after we got high as a kite. he drove. his friend sat in the back seat. i sat in the passenger. the windows were rolled down. i felt so chill, and i cannot reiterate how comfortable i felt the whole entire time. he started asking me questions about my best friend, noting that our friendship was “so cute.” he continues to make dumb jokes. ugh god, he’s so funny. he pays for everybody’s meal (ugh cancer nodded, once again) and then drops me off. by that time it was 4 am.

im not worried or stressed about this crush anymore. i think tuesday gave me a lot more confidence than before. i think my next move is to continue hanging out with him and being friendly. i don’t want to rush something that i really want.

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