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saytrrose · 3 months

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Do you feel comfortable telling us what happened at your parents' house?

Sure! But be prepared for a long ramble.

My stepmom is a really conservative transphobic narcissist.

My housing plan this year is a tiny room freshman dorm and had a bed, closet and desk. I share it with my bestfriend, Kayla.

My housing plan NEXT year has been decided, I am going to move into a 4 room apartment style dorm, where we all have our own rooms, 2 people each share a bathroom, and we even have a living/kitchen area. I’m very excited!!!

I broke the news to my parents, and said that Kayla and I would share a bathroom on one half of the dorm, and our friends Micheal and Brayden would share the other side.

She expressed concern over two “girls” being with two “guys” and I told her it would be fine because both Brayden and Micheal are gay men, and are engaged to eachother too. To which when she heard this she was “oh okay.”

But then she brought up the possibility of the housing office not allowing us to be co-ed, girls and boys sharing a apartment style dorm together and I had Micheal’s permission to tell my mother that he was a transman, meaning he is afab, to ease her nerves. I explained that the housing office obviously did not care as long as we all knew eachother and agreed on it.

She then proceeded to rant on how gender is so confusing, and for 2 days straight refused to use Micheal’s name, instead referring to him as “the girl who wants to be a boy.”

I told her that it’s not complicated at all, and she asked me “So are they gay or straight?” And I told them they are gay men, which I had already told you prior. She then asked me “well has the wannabe boy had any surgeries?” And that’s when I started to genuinely get pissed off.

I said “First, that’s an inappropriate question to ask. What would you do if a random person kept inquiring on your genitals? It’d be an issue wouldn’t it?” To which she then interrupted me, saying “Oh so they don’t. Yeah I thought so. So they are straight until they get surgery.”

I told her that we are in COLLEGE and that’s a lot of money, time and healing to take into account and Micheal is infact on hormones and looks his gender, acts his gender, sounds like his gender, and so on. I then decided to de-stress, and promptly left the whole house to go on a walk which apparently to her, was very inconsiderate and rude.

On top of all that, she consistently helicopters over me, anytime I touch my phone she’s “what are you doing.” “Who are you texting.” “What are you texting them.” “Why are you doing that on your phone.”

One time I went to my room for a singular hour to go through some of the things I packed and got at the thrift store, just deciding what to leave home and take with me you know, nothing big. I walked out once dinner was done, and she loves to use a bitchy voice and say “look who came out of their room.” “Look who’s alive and decided to join us.” And when I try to say I was literally gone for a fucking hour she accuses me of being too “antisocial.”

Also, we have 5 dogs at our house. Almost all are abused. They live in kennels constantly unless they are ushered outside to potty. There is Jax, poor old man is 14 and has prostate cancer. He has severe arthritis as well and struggles to walk. There is Shepherd, he has one big tumor on his spine and about 5 itty bitty ones around it too- but all non-cancerous. Past his hip bones he is hairless due to skin irritation and scratching/biting. Then there is Mac, the golden lovely child of the house who is the only one not in a kennel ever, roams the house, only one allowed on furniture and more. There is Charlotte, a hurricane Harvey rescue who is a gorgeous and pretty cocker spaniel/poodle. She’s pure black for the exception of white paws and a white heart on her chest. She’s super sweet but gets screamed at everyday for whining in the kennel but good news!! My friend Kayla is in the process of adopting her to help get her out of the house and into a better home. Then there is Pickles, my poor baby that my stepmom hates the most. Just yesterday she was scolded for curling up next to me which was apparently “possessive behavior” so she took her shoe off and beat her in in face 4 times until she was whining and barking- and then got yelled at for getting defensive and snapping once at her.

It’s horrible.

Did I mention all of this is in the span of 24 hours?

More that happened, my stepmom asking me to constantly check the mail to see if my VA check has come in. It comes the first week of each month- sure, but calm down I don’t need to check 3 times a day. Also she only cares so much because my stepmom is blind, is jealous everyone else is putting an effort into their lives and is desperate for some ounce of control and wants us to give her money for her smoking addiction.

Also my check didn’t come in LOL but that’s alright, my awesome sister said she’ll swing but next weekend and snatch it up for me.

It’s just exhausting. Thats just ONE day there- I can’t imagine what summer is going to be like. My sister gave me the idea to get a job like my stepmom wants, but get it here in my college town so I don’t have to be home. Which is genius!! Pickles stays with me, safe and not getting abused. (She’s so scared of everything when she’s home, and it’s so hard to try to help her heal from ptsd when it’s recurring- ik if I do this it will be best for her.) AND I don’t have to be there which fucks with my own mental health.

Also, stepmom isn’t trying to get my money. That’s nice too.

Sorry guys this is more so a vent now, but hey if you read this far than thanks for listening 😭

#vent #ramble #rambles

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whiskeyandwolfsbane · 2 years

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7/30 - 8:23PM - Conflicting Thoughts

Content warning: if you're sensitive when it comes to the subject of weight loss/desired weight loss/poor body image, either stop reading now or continue with much caution.

~*~

I'm doing well all things considered: the most discomfort and pain I'm feeling physically are from my damn drains, but there isn't much coming through them so if that keeps up and the amount of fluid remains low, I might be able to go in early to get them taken out so that's good.

Mentally, I'm all over the place when I'm not asleep or totally distracted, lol.

For the most part: I'm happy I finally got the surgery. I really am. I've been waiting six years or more for this and to finally have it happen, it's really great.

But I also am still almost... afraid to look at my results? It's part of why I haven't taken the compression binder off yet - that and I'm just plain afraid to because the paperwork said I have to keep it on as much as humanly possible lol.

I've seen so many different result photos for the different types of chest surgery, and like... the results I like best are always the ones from different types than the one I had. Obviously there is nothing I can do about that but it's still stressing me out more than it should. It probably doesn't help that I've been trying to look up photos of what my scars might look like but since it's hard to filter for specific types of surgery style, I keep seeing pictures of guys who are much smaller than me/have the body type I want/were able to get surgeries that wouldn't have much scarring and I'll just be upfront, it makes me really jealous and then I get pissed off that I'm jealous, and then I feel bad about the whole thing, and it's a mess lol. It sucks.

Part of me is excited to be able to wander around shirtless as soon as I've recovered for the most part, but I also know that I won't actually be excited when it comes down to it, or at least I won't be able to get over my insecurity enough to do so when it comes down to it because of my weight.

And the cruelly ironic thing about my chest being flatter now is that it's made me even more hyperaware of everything else I hate about my body even now, and I haven't even taken the compression binder off yet. Granted, I know some of it is probably just bloating and general Bleh from all the medications and the healing and such but still.

So there's that, but it also makes me worry I won't be happy with my results once the bandages and everything come off. I know there's gonna be scars and I'm gonna try my hardest with scar care to make sure it all heals as invisibly as possible but I also hear so many horror stories - dog ears, nipples that are too low or too odd looking, puckered scarring, etc. - and I worry that I'll end up with some or more of that stuff.

A lot of worry I can't do anything about right now though and I need to try and let go. I'm working on it.

The insecurity stuff though... I dunno. I'm already down fifty pounds luckily from like... middle of last year I wanna say. But of course, the stomach is the last place fat leaves, so while I've managed to start fitting into smaller jeans, there's been no real change in the place I'm really hoping to see change and it's frustrating, and it's going to be even moreso now I think because now that I have a flat chest, the protrusion of my stomach is going to be even more noticeable.

I'm well aware that this isn't anything I should care about, and fully aware of the internalised fatphobia that probably contributes to this, but at the same time, it's also a bunch of emotions that I'm incapable of changing at the moment. In addition to that, I have other reasons for wanting to shed weight - having juvenile arthritis, extra weight is extremely painful for my joints and my bad knees to deal with, and I want to be able to actually do more than walk up a few flights of stairs before I get out of breath. I wanna get into shape.

My mom said I might be more likely to get into a proper workout routine once I heal up and she's probably right - my insecurities before surgery were a huge reason I didn't work out, because I was too terrified of anyone seeing me, so I didn't go out or to the gym, and I didn't want to be seen even by my family really.

I dunno. It's harder than I thought it would be. I knew that this in and of itself wouldn't solve all my problems, that's absurd, but I figured I ought to at least... I don't know. Get the feelings out.

The photo I shared out of surgery (on my social media; I didn't post it here since I had posted the video already), I never would have shared if I hadn't been hopped up on pain meds and the remnants of anaesthesia and I cracked a joke about that on Snapchat and Facebook.

Objectively there is nothing wrong with that photo. Except for my face which I have problems with lol. But also - my stomach. I never, ever, show my stomach in photos if I can help it and had a moment of outright panic where I almost deleted it - but I would have lost all the kind words folks commented if I had, so I didn't, but leaving it up still puts a bad taste in my mouth.

It sucks but here's hoping things stabilise or even out, I guess, emotion-wise. I dunno. About the actual surgery, there's no (perceived) regrets really, which is good. My biggest thing is worrying that sensation/feeling won't come back. And because I'm bigger and couldn't get one of the less invasive surgeries like smaller folks can get, the fact of the matter is, it's very unlikely I'll get the feeling back according to most people I've talked to. Ultimately, I'll take the trade off but it's still a bit of a bummer.

Other than that though, no negative thoughts about the surgery itself, just the things about me that it's made me aware of. That and the general anger and bitterness I have toward my... lot in life if that makes sense? That I've been feeling a lot lately.

I'm well aware that I am so very lucky to have gotten this surgery. I know that. But for the last few months, I've been so angry all the time about how I - and everyone else in my situation - have to fight so much harder just to grasp at things that other people just get simply by being born. So even though I know I'm lucky to have this surgery, I'm somehow also just... really pissed off I had to get it at all, if that makes sense?

I don't know, most of this is disjointed and probably doesn't make sense lol. I figured, if I'm gonna do this whole journal thing, I should be open and as vulnerable as I'm able to be in case other people come across it because I know one thing I wished I had had at my disposal while planning this surgery was full-view knowledge of it. Not just the basics, but the shit people dealt with in the days after, how they were feeling, what conflict they inevitably faced, because this is a big thing, there is almost always going to be shit like that but it's rare for people to talk about it.

But yeah. I think I pretty much got out most of what I'm stressing about in as concise a manner as I'm able. The rest would just be ranting now, I think.

I don't have a good way to end this. Um.

If you haven't watched Strvnger Th1ngs, you should. This season was insane. Yeah.

#journal entries #also to the few folks i have sent this blog link to who don't actually know what the surgery i had was... yeah that's in part because of #all the insecurities; i avoid telling anyone this shit anymore these days because of it #but i'm sure the pieces are easy to put together #it's not that i don't trust yall it's more that i just don't want to acknowledge it at all ; to myself or anyone else #it's tricky

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zambie-trashart · 4 years

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Chameleon: Rewritten Series

masterlist

Summary: The bitch is back. Adrien, Marinette, and Damian have to figure out a way to prove that Lila is lying about everything without exposing themselves to each other or letting Jon in on the fact that Lila likes him as more than a friend. It doesn’t go as planned.

...............................

Jon walked into the class early that morning and saw Alya waiting for him. “So Jon, can you do me a huge favor and sit in Adrien’s seat, we’re trying to make a new arrangement so she can have someplace where she can hear,” Alya said and Nino nodded.

“So where’s Adrien going to sit, or Marinette for that matter?” Jon asked looking as Alya sat in her friend’s seat and Nino sat next to her.

“With Adrien of course, have you seen the way that they’ve been looking at each other recently, they’ve got to like each other!” Alya said and students started flooding into the classroom.

Adrien looked at Jon who was sitting in his seat and winked at him. “Hey Jon, what’s going on?” Adrien asked.

“Seating got switched around, you know how it is, apparently you’re sitting in the back row with Marinette and the new girl is sitting in the front with me,” Jon said giving Adrien the look that meant he had no idea who this new girl was but he was sure something awful was about to bust through that door. Miss. Bustier walked through the door saying hello to her class.

Marinette walked to the back and to her seat but Adrien lingered for a bit longer to see Lila walk through the door. “Hello everyone, my family and I just got back from our trip. I see you saved me a seat in the front row like I asked because of my hearing problem. Thank you, I love you all,” Lila gushed blowing kisses to everyone in the room before sitting down practically on top of Jon. “Since you’re such a great student I think you’ll be a great tutor for me don’t you Jon?” Lila asked batting her eyelashes at him.

“You have a hearing problem?” Adrien asked.

“Yes, ever since I saved Jagged Stone’s poor kitten on an airport runway I’ve had a constant ringing in my left ear,” Lila said holding a hand up to her ear and Jon looked at her in sympathy. Adrien almost growled but Jon looked up at him giving him his look of innocence and grace asking him to sit in the back just for today so they could figure all of it out and Adrien gave in.

“How are you feeling lover boy?” Marinette asked staring at the two as class started.

“Pissed.”

In Hawkmoth’s lair, he could feel that majestic negative emotion forming. “Ah, high school the arena of teenage angst [no joke a line from the show, you got it right Hawkmoth] where emotions are so intense. A perfect stadium for my akumas.”

The butterfly flew off to the school and sat near Adrien waiting for him to get angrier but one look to the back of the class from Jon and he felt better and started working.

At lunch, people rushed to get Lila food and Adrien pulled Marinette, Nino, and Alya to their table. “Lila’s a liar, I don’t know how to prove it but something just doesn’t seem right and now she’s going to pull Jon into her web of lies,” Adrien said and he looked at Lila who was telling some sob story at a different table.

“How can you say that she’s lying if you don’t have any proof dude?” Nino asked and Adrien looked up to see Damian standing behind Nino.

“Do you mind if I sit with you, it’s about that liar from the library again right?” Damian asked and Marinette was lost in his eyes not talking so Adrien decided to speak up for her.

“Yeah, she’s sitting next to him in class and keeps giving him eyes,” Adrien said and Damian sighed almost banging his head against the table.

“Let me tell you a little story that takes place back when Jon was in middle school. He had a friend named Kathy, they were great friends but one day Kathy said she wanted to be more than friends, Jon didn’t know what to say so he did what Jon does best in awkward situations: he ran. The next day he came into school and told Kathy he was sorry and he didn’t feel that way about he cause he thought he was gay, spoiler alert, he is. Ever since that moment, girls have been asking him out trying to be the one to crack him, he doesn’t know how to deal with a girl who likes him like that, he will literally break him if we tell him,” Damian said concerned for Jon who had just walked in the room.

“We won’t tell him but I can’t promise that she won’t try anything,” Adrien said still speaking for Marinette and himself. Lila ran up to Jon and pulled him to her table holding his arm. Adrien got up and stormed out of the room pissed. Lila smirked and got up to follow him.

“Leave me alone Lila go pick on someone else,” Adrien said glaring at her.

“It’s cute that you have a crush on Jon but you’re forgetting one thing, Jon should be with a girl not someone like you,” Lila said flipping her hair and walking away back to the lunch room but Jon was coming down the hallway. “Jon! I was just wondering if we could meet up this afternoon so we could catch up on work, I’ll have to leave at like three though, I have an appointment with my doctor for my arthritis,” Lila said batting her eyelashes at Jon.

“Yeah, but Lila can you promise me that you won’t lie to me anymore like last time with Chat Noir?” Jon asked looking down the hallway seeing his boyfriend glaring down the hall at them.

“Are you going to be some hero lecturing me like he did? I thought we were closer than that Jon!” Lila said walking out of the hall and running into a floating black butterfly and grabbing it putting it in her earring.

Jon ran over to Adrien who looked like he was about to burst into tears.

“What’s wrong Adrien?” Jon asked looking slightly up at him.

“Lila’s right, you deserve better than me, people will bully us if they know we’re a couple,” Adrien said and Jon hugged him.

“Why would you say something like that? Why would she say something like that?” Jon asked trying to look in Adrien’s eyes.

“I don’t know,” Adrien said trying to keep the truth from him.

“Adrien, I know that you know why and now I wanna know if that makes any sense,” Jon said pouting slightly making Adrien feel guilty.

“Fine, Lila has a crush on you and she thinks I’m competition so she’s trying to take me out of the race. Damian told me not to tell you cause of what happened with that other girl but I think that you deserve to know,” Adrien said and he looked at Jon after finishing and Jon was just standing there mouth open and face red.

“Sh-sh-sh-she l-li-likes m-m-me?” Jon asked eyes widening before running down the hallway to use the bathroom. Damian walked over with Marinette, Alya, and Nino.

“I told you not to tell him, idiot,” Damian said walking after his friend. Jon was predictable so he knew that he would go somewhere that he could be alone to think. Damian walked into the locker room and saw Jon passed out on the floor and when he looked at his phone to text Clark he saw a news alert that said Jon Kent was threatening to jump off the Eiffel Tower if Ladybug and Chat Noir didn’t come save him at that moment. “Lila’s behind this,” Damian said picking his friend up and carrying him to the nurse.

“You’re saying you found him like this?” the nurse asked confused.

“Yeah, he was just laying there, I’ve seen this happen a few times when he doesn’t eat at lunch, he’s got a fast metabolism, could you just look after him until I get back. I need to call his dad who lives in America to see what to do. I always forget, silly me,” Damian said faking a positive attitude before bolting out of the room. There was no way he was going to miss this fight.

Chat and Ladybug were fighting a little boy who must have been taken over by Lila.

“Ladybug look out!” Robin shouted diving in front of her and being kissed instead of Robin.

“Robin!” Ladybug shouted but he was out cold. “We have to move,” Ladybug said and the two went up to the Eiffel Tower she tired kissing Ladybug and Chat but missed and he cataclysmed the floor beneath them and they landed on a seafood place. Ladybug used her lucky charm and got shirt. She looked around and saw an oyster. She knew that the akuma had to be gotten out through the oyster. When Chameleon went to kiss her, she shoved the oyster in her face and Chameleon kissed that instead. The waitress cracked it open and Ladybug squished the pearl.

Lila appeared and questioned the heroes. “Lila, you shouldn’t lie, people will like you for who you are not for who you want them to think you are,” Chat said and Lila smiled.

“You’re right Chat Noir, I’ll never tell another lie again,” Lila said and she was taken back to school where she immediately started spitting lies about her and Chat being best friends. “He was so thoughtful and even brought me an earplug for my right ear.”

Adrien was watching from the side with Marinette and Damian. “Did she just say right ear, this morning she said it was her left ear,” Adrien said going to talk to the class but a cough disrupted the three members of the Jon Protection Squad.

“Are you going to tell everyone?” Jon asked tilting his head like a lost puppy, Damian looked away, Marinette cringed feeling bad for some reason, and Adrien ran up to Jon hugging him. “If we know the truth and can expose her with more evidence at some point does it really matter if we tell now or later?” Jon asked nervously.

“Jon, she’s not Kathy, she’s actually dangerous in a way that you don’t know yet,” Damian said holding his friend’s shoulders.

“Yeah, I know Damian but when has hurting the bad guy ever made them a good guy. I have an idea,” Jon said walking off with Damian.

“We better get back to class,” Marinette said dragging Adrien off with her.

They walked up to the back of the class. Jon looked up at the back and walked up to Adrien smiling at Marinette who got the hint. When Lila saw Adrien and Jon sitting in the back laughing together before class she was fuming.

“Miss. Bustier, I can’t believe it, I can hear again it must be Ladybug’s doing! I can sit in the back now,” Lila said cheering. Jon and Adrien still looked at each other smiling.

“That’s great Lila, we’ll just move to the front then,” Jon said grabbing Adrien’s hand and dragging him down the the front seat. Nathaniel moved back to his old seat and others were doing the same. Nino and Alya sat in the back, Marinette sat next to Nathaniel behind Adrien and Jon, and everyone else was back to their old seats and Lila was sitting in the back alone.

Lila confronted Adrien after school. “You had your chance to leave him alone, but now I will turn everyone against you and that pesky Marinette, your friends and Jon will soon be mine,” Lila said.

“I’d like to see you try to turn my boyfriend straight, many have tried,” Adrien said before walking over to his car watching Jon and Marinette exit the school arms linked waving at him. Damian stood on top of the school watching the cousins and the idiot all interact with each other as Lila walked away with steam practically flowing out of her ears.

“This is gonna be good,” Damian said leaning back ready for a show. That was when he felt a presence behind him and looked around to see a familiar face.

“Was ist los ficker.”

.............................................

JPS: @loveswifi @ash-amg @moonspiritwolf1 @thatonecroc @ive-tumbled-down-a-rabbit-hole @wannajointhecrabcult @mochinek0 @mochegato @liquid-luck-00 @toodaloo-kangaroo

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mwolf0epsilon · 3 years

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PUT THE HEADCANONS IN THE BAG! Tell me everyone's height, build, and how/what they'd do in a fight.

Joey Drew - 5'11", slim build with a weakness in the right knee (carries a cane and later on is wheelchair bound). Pre-Ink, he's pretty much defenseless, you're basically bullying a crippled old man. Post-Ink, I wouldn't recommend fighting him because he knows how to control his abilities (including shapeshifting) and his cane is actually a cane sword. He will mess you up.

Henry Stein - 5'6", short and stout with very bad arthritis and back issues. Pre-Ink, you're a monster for bullying poor soft grandpa. Post-Ink, if you piss him off you're going to get beaten up. He'll let you go when he feels like you learned your lesson tho.

Linda Stein - 6'12", built like an amazon and skilled in both fencing and kickboxing. She will demolish you.

Sammy Lawrence - 6 feet exactly, human form was pretty slim but Prophet form bulked up considerably. Pre-Ink you could take him on, but he made up for lack of muscle with pure ferocity and wasn't opposed to fighting dirty (biting and scratching). Post-Ink he can easily lift a person off the ground one-handed, and he has no qualms cutting people down. Fight at your own peril.

Jack Fain - 5'4" as a human, quite chubby in build. Diminished to 3'5" as a Swollen Searcher. Pre-Ink, why would you hit Jack?! Post-Ink, what is wrong with you?! Congratulations, no matter what form you fight him in you're a monster!

Susie Campbell - 5'2" and chubby build, can pack a punch if she needs to. Grew to 6'2" and slightly slimmer build as Twisted Alice, and is a lot stronger than she looks. Pre-Ink, sure fight her but expect a broken nose, you jerk. Post-Ink, leave that to Allison maybe... Susie isn't a damsel in distress.

Norman Polk - 6'12" and build like an absolute beast, despite his age he could annihilate anyone in the studio if he felt like it. Grew up to 7'2" and bulked up even more as the Projectionist. Pre-Ink, he'll kick your ass and scold you afterwards, the shame burns worse than the bruises. Post-Ink, oh my god please be my guest and fight him! Fight him so you can fail miserably for my entertainment!

Allison Pendle - 5'9" and petit feminine build, very agile and energetic. 6'2" as Allison Angel, and somewhat more feisty. Pre-Ink, she'd talk you out of fighting her. Post-Ink, you better be good at sword fighting! She'll skewer you like a hecking kebab.

Thomas Connor - 6'2" stocky build and used to both hard labour and defending himself in a scrap. Diminished to 6 feet as Tom Boris, but has considerably enhanced strength. Pre-Ink, oh boy get ready for a walloping! Post-Ink, do you not see the gosh dang metal arm?! He'll demolish you faster than a vault door...

Wally Franks - 5'3" and stout build, a compact little unit! He's a typical lad from Brooklyn with a lot of questionable family members, and he will wrestle you to the ground if he doesn't trust you. You can take him on, but you'll not leave unscathed.

Shawn Flynn - 5'7" and slim built, but this man has the ire of the Irish on his side. As the Boss Searcher he's 6'8" at crawling height, do not test his patience! Pre-Ink, get ready for a brawl, expect it to be quite the show! Post-Ink, please leave him alone, he's just trying to defend his workshop. You can take him on but expect his fellow Searchers to be upset!

Grant Cohen - 5'11", used to be a little overweight before losing a tremendous amount of weight out of stress. He's diminished to 3'5" as a Searcher and somehow looks bony. Pre-Ink, what is WRONG with you?! Post-Ink, what is WRONG with you?! God you're just a monster, aren't you?

Buddy Lewek - 5'5" and slim, very bony build. Got up to 6 feet as a Boris and his strength has been enhanced as well. Pre-Ink, why the hell are you bullying this poor kid? Post-Ink, he'll break your hand and run for it. Just leave poor Buddy alone, he's suffered enough.

Dot - 5'6" pretty average build in general, slightly chubby. She dropped a projector on someone's head, and attacked a demon. If it means surviving she will fight dirty and maim you.

Abby Lambert - 5'9" and average build. Grew up to 6'7" as a Lost One, and is still as agile as she used to be. Pre-Ink, she can throw a good punch and she knows where to hit. Post-Ink, wow you definitely want to be a kebab! There's also the horrifying possessive monster following her around like her personal demon. For your own safety, do not fight Abby.

Doc Hackenbush - 6'3" very stocky and chubby build. Not much of a fighter though. Remained the same height as a Lost One, but appears a little chubbier. Pre-Ink, sedative time! Post-Ink, sedative time! He's a doctor, genius...

Bertrum Piedmont - 6'2" and an absolute unit of a man. God only knows how massive he is as the octopus ride. Pre-Ink, you can take him on mostly due to age advantage. Post-Ink, have fun! 50-50 with this guy!

Lacie Benton - 6'3" with an average build, strong arms and legs tho. Diminished to 6 feet as the Bendy Animatronic, but then again she's made of frigging metal. Pre-Ink, you can take her sure, her ulcer makes it a little easier on you. Post-Ink, if she's fully assembled, I'd run. She's made of metal dang it.

Emma LaMonte - 5'11" and built like a professional ballerina. Her legs are POWERFUL. As the Giant Bendy Hand she's absolutely massive. Pre-Ink, get ready for a mule kick from hell. Post-Ink, you might need a bigger boat and a bigger gun than a tommy gun. She's gonna drag you down into the inky depths.

#bendy and the ink machine #batim #headcanons #height #fight

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andromeda612 · 4 years

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The writer vs the liar

So, remember the prompt from a few days ago? You can chek it here

Well, I made a draft for what would be the whole fic, I'm gonna start it soon and will post it in Ao3, I would make a post when is ready and with every update, if you are interested make me know, so I can tag you.

I apologize for any mistake, english is not my first language, I hope you like it!

After Mari is expelled Nathaniel and Alix are worried and confused, because there is no way Marinette did those things (Alix defended Marinette in Reverser and I like to think that Nathaniel learned his lesson, so they are less likely to believe that Marinette would do anything of what Lila said) but all the mess is confusing. They talk but can't get a good answer. They decide to relax a little in the art club, they can't.

Marc noticing their mood ask what's wrong. So they tell him, and Marc is fast to point out all the wrong things with the whole situation. The "evidence" is circumstancial, superficial and easily planted, Damocles should have called Lila's parents too, no just Marinette's, Lila should had at least some bruises but there is no one, the protocole says that they needed to make an investigation, Mari has the right to prove her innocence, but Damocles just expelled her then and there. So yeah, the school messed up, because that failure in protocole and lack of professionalism can be addressed as neglect.

Thinking a little more they come to the conclusion that Marinette had been framed, but by who and why? If you think about it the only suspect is Lila, after all she was in the middle of the fire, but why would she did that? Marc asks for more background about this girl, because he only knows her because he had seen her sometimes in school and because Rose mentioned her once or twice, Nathaniel nor Alix have ever talked about her, Marinette either (and that interview on the Ladyblog is not that famous, so he missed it)

Alix explains the drama between those two, the seats thing (Marc tells them that it was wrong to move Mari to the back without asking her, maybe Nathaniel never had problem with being alone but he is not Marinette, they admit it was thoughtless from them and make a note to apologize later) and Marinette claming that Lila is a liar.

That catches Marc's atention, he knows Marinette, for him she is like a sister in everything but blood, after all she was the first person who was nice to him in school and despite not knowing in the time being that he has social anxiety she always was patient and kind with him until he was comfortable enough talking to her. Misunderstanding aside, she was the one who introduced him to Nathaniel and the rest of her friends from the art club, and they introduced him with the rest of their friends. Now he has two best friends (Mari and Alix) is dating his other bff (Nathaniel) has other good friends and is working in what he loves with his partner, all thanks to Marinette, so is no wonder that the two of them grew closer.

He knows that Mari hates liars, so if she thinks that this girl is a liar she must has a very good reason. Then Alix says that it just her being jealous because of Adrien. And yes, that may be true, Marinette tends to get jealous of any rival for the boy's affection, and can do crazy and, honestly, pretty bad stuff for him but again, he knows her and knows that at the end Marinette always admits her wrongdoings, apologizes and does better. He also knows that jealousy for itself is not a strong motive for dislike someone that much, because Chloe? is a brat, Kagami? He knows that Marinette actually helped Adrien in a date with her and now both girls are very good friends despite her knowing that Adrien actually is interested in Kagami, so if this Lila is really that good of a person then why Marinette seems to dislike her and think that is a liar? She has to has a reason.

When he says this Alix and Nathaniel have the decency of look ashamed, Marc is right, they (Alix and the girls the most) should have asked for her reasons instead of brush it off as simply jealousy, Marinette is better than that.

With his point clear, Marc asks for more details, maybe they can discover why Marinette thinks Lila is a liar. Again is Alix who talks (Nathaniel never had been one of Lila's admirers and he pays not much attention to the drama) and tells every story Lila told them (I'm not including the napkin incident because either Nathaniel nor Alix were there, Nathaniel was alone in another table and Alix wasn't in the cafeteria at all) and once she is done Marc is fast to point every single hole, contradiction and nonsense in Lila's claims.

Being a writer and a very active reader makes this kind of thing easy for him, it also helps that some of Lila's claims can be debunked with a little knowledge (arthritis doesn't work like that for example) and him has plenty of that, he likes to read about different topics, not just stories and comics, also is the fact that he makes lots of researching for his stories (the comic is not the only thing he writes for) even if they are about fantasy he likes them to be coherent and solid, so if he is going to use some topic he research to support his writing, so yeah he knows a little of many things. He also points out all the times Lila manipulated them so they did things for her, and how.

Now they know the truth, Lila IS a liar and a manipulative one.

HOLY SHIT MARINETTE WAS RIGHT! First they feel bad, they should have listened to her! They are also ashamed because now that they think about it most of the lies are dumb! They are idiots!

Marc is fast to comfort them, after all some of her lies are believable at least from their point of view, their class is not a normal one they have some famous people like Adrien a famous model, Chloe the mayor's daughter, Nathaniel is the ilustrator of one of the most popular comics in Paris, Marinette is Jagged Stone's favorite designer and has been prized by Gabriel Agreste and Audrey Bourgois, Max is a genius with his own AI, there is Kitty Section and the list goes. So, one more student with conections and awesome claims is not that difficult to believe. Also, they are being manipulated, Lila use pity to make herself look vulnerable and fragil, so they would not question her or her claims, she also takes advantage of their kindness. Being fooled and manipulated is not a crime, they are victims too.

That make them feel better, but now they are pissed, because THEY ARE BEING FOOLED, MANIPULATED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF! AND MARINETTE IS EXPELLED AND ALL IS THAT WITCH FAULT!

Marc is pissed too, being the patient and quiet person he is there are just a few things that makes him trully angry, but messing with his loved ones is the top of that list, and that little bitch is messing with all of his friends and his boyfriend! She is not just liying, manipulating and using them, she also gives them false hope with all the false promises she made, they are gonna be hurt once she fails in fulfil them. And MARINETTE IS EXPELLED so yeah, that brat crossed many lines.

For now they decide to talk to Marinette, Alix and Nathaniel need to apologize, and to make her know that the three of them know the truth and are by her side.

Later they discover that Marinette's expulsion is revoked, aparently all was a huge misunderstanding and Lila herself clarified the mess. Yeah, something is off here and they are not going to let their guard down, but at least Mari's name is clean.

The next day they are in the bakery with Marinette's favorite ice cream and two draws made by Alix and Nath, a -forgive-us-for-not-listened-you-and-for-being-bad-friends- gift. Marinette is relieved and actually cries of joy for having her friends by her side and free from Lila's claws, and of course she forgive them, after all they admitted their errors and apologized, also despite the evidence against her they gave her the benefit of the doubt, and for that she is grateful.

They talk and Marinette tells them how she found out the truth the same she told Alya and Nino (Marc tells her that it was not ok to follow Adrien and Lila but unlike them he still listened to her side of the story) she also point out that she ACTUALLY KNOWS Jagged Stone.

But hey! That doesn't mean that Adrien also knows the truth?

Yeah, she also tells them that Adrien is aware of Lila's true nature and also talks about the 'high road' advice. "HE TOLD YOU WHAT?"

But before any of them could get angry with Adrien she explains that he really thought her lies were harmless, also he believed that expose her would be bad because he called her out in a friendly way and still she was akumatized, but now that she was expelled he recognized that his advice was a bad one and that her lies can hurt people, he already apologized to her, and explained that he made a deal with Lila, he will be her friend and she will be a model and in return she will bring Mari back to school. He also admited that the best is to expose her, becasue netiher of them actually believe that Lila is going to let Marinette alone.

That makes them calm down, and forgive Adrien, he apologized to Marinette too and admited his error, also they think that a deal with the devil is punishment enough, and if they think about it, probably the poor boy didn't knew better, but he does now, so it's ok.

Then they learn about the threat in the bathroom and her almost akumatization. And they are even more pissed HOW DARE SHE? They apologize again for making her believe that she couldn't trust them with that. She says is ok, that she didn't take her too seriously, and she has faith in them, and so far they proved her right. Though, Marc wish that she could have talked to him at least, maybe they would have prevented all of this, but it doesn't matter.

Well, now they have one thing clear: they need to take that bitch down. But how? Lila could lie her way out, or twist the situation in her favor, they are trying to come up with a plan, but Marc is quiet, his mind working and then he has an idea.

With a calm and cool tone he says them "Just help me with some research, I'll take care of the rest" and replacing his usual sweet and shy demeanor there is a smirk and a cold determination and confidence in his face that surprise them (Nath actually finds it kind of hot)

They don't know what is he thinking, but they have seen him angry before (and thank god they have never been the cause of it, because Marc is a cinnamon roll but is very scary when is angry) and they know what his wrath is capable of. Whatever his plan is, they know is gonna work and dammit if it doesn't. They almost feel bad for Lila. Almost.

The next days they spend time together doing the investigation (they have some fun time and an awesome sleepover too), and finally they get solid proof to expose Lila, thanks to Marinette they get a video interview with Jagged Stone where the singer claims that he never had met Lila, and thanks to Marc's general knowledge in health and some help from Nathaniel's parents who both are doctors, they also get proof to debunk Lila's claims of illnes or other disabilities (specially the lying disease bullshit) and since Marc is a good researcher they manage to find some interesting stuff, like Mrs. Rossi contact information, is all in the embassy page.

With the investigation done, all what they need to do is wait for the perfect moment to expose the liar, and the oportunity comes two weeks later in the form of a picnic that Bustier's class organize just to hang out together, naturally Marc is invited and helps to organize said picnic, almost all of the class consider him a friend and one of them despite him being in Mendeleiev's class. Mari, Alix and Nathaniel still don't know what is his plan exactly, but they trust him. Adrien is aware of his plan but he doesn't know what exactly is either.

So here they are, in the park, in a cute blanket, with some delicious food and with great company (that doesn't include certain people, aka Chloe and the liar) and of course Lila is charming their friends with other of her lies, it takes all of their willpower to not roll their eyes. And then, listening carefully Marc takes the perfect moment to interrumpt the tale, social anxiety or not, that witch is hurting his beloved ones and he is not going to tolerate it, so even if he never has talked to her, fuck his shyness, that girl is gonna face the consequences for her actions. (It also helps that he is already friends with the rest of his boyfriend's class)

So, to everyone suprise he interrumpts Lila in middle sentence to point out the holes in what she is saying.

Alix, Nathaniel, Marinette and Adrien froze in panic, what is he thinking?! A direct confrontation was a bad idea, wasn't it? Marc locked eyes with the four of them and give a look thay says 'I get this' so they let him be, but now they are really uneasy.

What they didn't know is that the last days until now Marc has been doing more than just research, he was studying his enemy. Marc is a good listener, and being someone who likes to go unnoticed he became a very good observant too, he can notice little details and patterns, also he is a sensible and sympathetic boy so is easy for him to put himself in other's shoes, that combined makes him very good at reading and analysing people. He also made extra research in psychology and behaivor. So now, he knows how Lila works, he knows what to expect and how to answer. It also helps that he is very good with words, not just the ones he writes for his stories, but the ones he says and also he is very good with other's people words, he knows how to use them. That is his plan, he is going to use all his skills and knowledge to trap Lila, she thinks that she is smart and can control the situation, but Marc is going to prove that she can and will lose in her own game. Her lies are gonna be her downfall.

Lila of course tries to make an excuse or another lie to save face, but Marc refutes her again and again, and the rest of the class? Some are confused and others seems thoughtful shit! She is losing control! She tries but this black haired boy seems to be smart, he gets her cornered until the point that she can't lie her way out, and her classmates are starting to look suspicious. She tries to change tactics, the tears worked against Marinette, they will work now. She hides her face in her hands and starts to sob.

"I just was trying to share some of my wonderful experiencies with my friends, so I could give them some advice to help them in the future. Why are you being so mean? I haven't done anything to you! " That make people like Rose or Mylene to softened and go to comfort her, and between her hands she can see Alya ready to confront the boy, but Marc is ready for this kind of tactic, is his turn to make a move.

"I'm sorry but, How does this make me mean? I just pointed some facts because honestly, I'm a bit confused. At first I thought that you just made a little mistake, but then you just said another nonsense! Why would YOU do that?"

And then she is losing the little control she manage to regain. Because no matter how much they want to comfort her, Marc has a point and what he said so far actually makes sense, at least more sense than what she said. The others start to look torn between comfort or question her.

"Well... how would you know that what I said is wrong? Where is your proof?" Lila crosses her arms and look to other side, just to hide the smirk in her face, that would be enough and that annoying nobody will learn to not get in her way.

But, much to her surprise Marc actually has a good answer to that.

"Uh... comon sense? I mean, If I'm being a little honest if you think about it, some of the things you said have no... logic. Also I like to read a lot and about different things, including what you were saying so I know for a fact that some of the things you said are wrong. And my proof? Well a quick search in google is enough to prove me right"

Lila pales, she was not expecting that answer, and to her utter horror she can see some of her classmates typing in their phones, probably fact checking for once, she need to fix this now! She looks around trying to find some sympathy or something that would help, but she only see her classmates reading something in their phones and some of them are starting to frown, then she looks to Marinette and has an idea, this would break her little deal with Adrien but is ok, she wasn't planning to leave the brat alone anyway and her model career is in his father's hands, and she already has him tied around her finger.

So, before anyone could say something she sobs more louder and points a finger to Marinette.

"This is because of Marinette, isn't it? She put you into this! I-" but she couldn't finish because Marc interrumpts her, he also is ready for Lila trying to blame Marinette and he is not having it!

"And what does she has to do with this? Is not her fault that you have your facts wrong" and now the others are starting to narrow their eyes towards her, Damn it! Well she made the baker a threat, is time to fulfil it.

Lila makes the best she can to look pityful and scared. "Well... I didn't want to say this because I thought that nobody would believe me but... Marinette threatened me in the bathroom the day I came back from Achu!" She cries to everybody's shock.

"WHAT?!" Everybody screamed that. Marinette and her we-know-the-truth squad are frozen and can't believed it, THE NERVE OF THIS GIRL!

The rest to their friends are equally stunned, because they just can't believe what Lila said.

Lila using the shock continues with her sob story.

"She cornered me in the bathroom and told me that she would turn all of you against me! And all because she is jealous! And now she is using this boy to make you think that I'm a liar, just like she said!" Lila hug herself in an attempt to look small and is crying full force now.

Marc has to use all his willpower to not scream and call her a hypocrite, but he has a perfect answer for that too.

"Marinette would NEVER do that!" And to Lila's surprise and Marinette's glee is not Marc who says that, is Alya.

"Marinette is the sweetest girl, and she is not a bully!" That was Rose, who walked away from Lila like she burned her. And the rest of the class make their agreement known.

Lila really did NOT expect THAT reaction! They are supose to be comforting her and screaming to Marinette, not defending her! It's ok she can fix it.

"See? Is this why I didn't want to say anything! You don't believe me!"

Marc takes the word again "We know Marinette, we know she has flaws but she is one of the best people we know" again everybody agrees with that.

Lila is getting desperate, this is not what is supose to happen! And where is an akuma when you need it?! But Lila refuses to lose!

"Look I know you all thougth that you knew her and that she was your friend, but the truth is that Marinette is not what she seems to be, she is a manipulative liar and is just using you!"

Again, is not Marc who talks, this time is Kim

"No, you look Lila, I have known Marinette since diapers, and I know she has flaws but she is NOT a bad person"

"Yeah, and using us? She is the one who goes out of her way just to help us! She is a caring friend! Heck! We actually had to convince her that it's ok to pay to her everytime we comission something from her!" That was Nino

"And still, she gives us discounts everytime she can, but jus for the record, we have no problem in paying the whole price, Marinette, your job is awesome and you deserve to be fairly rewarded" that was Ivan, and Marinette gives him a very grateful smile, the rest of her friends agree with him and she smiles to them too.

"But-but" Lila is in trouble, she tries to think fast, but then Max just dig her hole deeper.

"Also, what Marc just said about your story is also true, all the wrong facts and holes, I asked Markov to fact check and the evidence supports Marc, the only conclusion is that you were lying to us!"

Nonononononono NO!

"And since you told us this lie like you did with any other of your stories I wondered What else was a lie? I also asked Markov to confirm every thing that you had said to us, and nearly the 86.65% was a lie"

Marc smiles, the game is going exactly according to his plan, even some of his moves were made by others, he is happy that Marinette has friends with such a faith in her, ready to stand up for her just like she does for them. But he knows that the game is still on, Lila still has some pieces, but Marc already steal her big ones, she just has some pawns to defend her King and Marc has his army intact.

Well fuck, she is doomed, the rest of the class looks ready to attack her... and then she remember her last card, it's a wild card, her lies will not work the same way anymore but she could save face, she will, eventually, come up with something to regain her control.

Well it seems that there is a limit, so I make a part 2

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choicesenthusiast · 4 years

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Queen B, Ch. 5 AKA Sheep Snatching

What happened this week:

More of rescuing recruiting people from feeling like Poppy’s sheep and asking them to be our sheep instead. This time it’s Taylor, the poor assistant, who probably got arthritis from carrying Poppy’s dry cleaning.

Infiltrate the sorority on a super secret spy mission, which doesn’t really work that well anyways because Poppy can smell anything that’s not designer perfume within a 100 mile radius. Too bad she tells everyone to go away before we can kill her with our 10/10 roast battle skills. She also scares Taylor away to do more dry cleaning.

So let me get this clear. Kingsley can read erotica out loud with you, be openly kinky in a bookstore, spank your ass in a “private part” of the bookstore (first of all, pun intended. Second, bookstores do not have private areas. Some introverted reader will always find a private area before you do, rendering it non-private anymore. I know; I’m one of them.), but also 180os that shit in an instant, claiming to be “unprofessional”. Make it make sense, PB! Make it make McFuckin’ sense.

Recruit Taylor to your posse by convincing her that napkins are not something you tear like tight pants. Oh, and also that she’s unhappy being Poppy’s assistant. That too. I am Collecting. A pixelated sheep army.

“Accidentally” forget to deliver Poppy’s diarrhea meds (irl I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody, no matter how much I hate them, but this shit was funny af to my middle-schooler sense of humour). Or don’t do that.

Poppy is so pissed off that she accidentally breaks the fourth wall, enters into the TNA universe, and steals a character name from there, giving us more free ammunition to aid in usurping her.

Thoughts:

I know that this is such a pisspoor excuse for a bullet point and I’m just nitpicking, but MC fuckin’ litters? I think this was the second time she’s done it. Lol we do not condone littering here on Choices Tumblr.

Someone at PB clearly cares too much about Chrissy Teigen, cause this is the second time in a few weeks that she’s been mentioned. She’s great and all that, but there are so many more celebrities in this world. Unless I woke up this morning and every celebrity doesn’t exist anymore, except for Chrissy? Someone pls confirm.

I see that The Elementalists reference. I see what you’re trying to do, PB. Garner sympathy and pander to those who will never see another Elementalists book again.

So people totally took pictures of us with Taylor in the froyo shop but didn’t see us with the Professor? Hmmmm, seems especially convenient for this unnecessary romance plot.

THE IMAGE OF THE MEDS WAS JUST A BLANK BACKGROUND I CACKLED SO HARD AT THIS IT’S TOO FUNNY

I don’t really care that y’all are into Poppy but I will only ditch my general “I don’t really care about you” demeanor once she starts showing redeeming qualities besides looking good? We keep recruiting people to get dirt on her, yet we still know nothing about her besides what she’s already given us.

#this week on choices #playchoices #choices stories you play #queen b

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savage-rhi · 4 years

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Ok I brought it up in my comment and you’ve already told me ask and you shall receive! I have my special request! As a follow up can I get a drabble of Troy Baker getting plopped into the death stranding universe, knowing everything he knows about Higgs and the story? What would he say and do when he eventually meets The god particle pizza slut that shares his face but next to none of his sweet nature? Thank you kindly! You’re an angel friend and such a talent! 💜

@faegrifted again, I have a strict policy about not writing IRL actors and such, but this is one of them rare exceptions cause like the Norman Reedus meeting Sam Bridges drabble I did, this is hella fun to explore :D! Hope you like it!

There were many experiences in life Troy had been wanting to undertake. Being trapped within a video game, captured by the villain he played wasn’t one of them. Nonetheless, things hadn’t been too bad. For several hours now, he was tied up to a pole in the Homo Demens camp. He didn’t recall this being a part of the game, but accuracy be damned at this moment. He had spent a good majority of his captivity trying to plot an escape. Troy had some sort of idea and was committed but getting home was going to be the difficult part. He snapped out of his thoughts, seeing a familiar face come into view. Higgs sat down beside him, letting out a sigh as he pulled his golden mask off and removed his hood. There was a heaviness in Higgs’s gaze as he side-eyed Troy.

“How’s my doppelganger doin’?” Higgs teased to which Troy let out a breath and shook his head.

“I would be better if I wasn’t tied up.”

“Just cause’ you got my pretty face don’t mean we’re friends.” Higgs said as a matter of fact, his bluntness making Troy smirk a little. It sounded like something he would have said years ago when he was a youth. Nonetheless, Troy kept his mouth shut. Just because he was in a video game, it didn’t mean he was safe. He still had no clue if he could die here permanently and didn’t want to take a huge risk pissing off the wrong guy.

“I had time to think on what you ranted about earlier. How in some other world, I’m a fictional person and you’re the poor sap that had to play me.” Higgs said, snapping Troy out of his thoughts as Higgs let out a chuckle. For Troy, it was like seeing a clone of himself but with a much sour personality, staring right back at him as Higgs turned his attention in full.

“Well, let’s just say I’m feeling--humbled enough to believe you. So you’re not gonna die today.” Higgs said, his tone far from reassuring but there was an affection in his voice that had Troy squinting his eyes in suspicion at his counterpart.

“I take it I’m not out of the hot seat though,” Troy said to which Higgs nodded and grinned.

“Bingo. But first, let us make the most of our time, hmm? I got somethin’ I’ve been wanting to ask.” Higgs said as Troy let out a sigh, feeling the rope biting more into his wrists as he adjusted.

“It’s not like I can go anywhere, so shoot.” Troy said.

Higgs chuckled.

“In your world, people seem to like ya. What kind of life do ya got?”

Out of all the things he could have asked, Higgs took Troy aback. There was a moment of silence between the two as Troy debated with himself if he should share any details about his life. Sure, he was open to a degree. Being a voice actor among other talents, he had to put himself out to the public but there was still an aspect of control he had back home versus the situation he was in now. In the end, Troy decided it was best to give a summary and not get too far into the details. Besides, if Higgs was anything like how he performed, they both shared this commonality.

“I get to travel. See new people, bring my family along. It’s a fun time. I have a lot of opportunities. ” Troy said with an affirmative nod. Higgs didn’t seem impressed.

“That it?” Higgs scoffed.

“What do you mean?” Troy asked.

“C’mon, you’re literally my other half and you’re just gonna leave me hangin’? That ain’t very kind.”

Troy was about to say something further but then had an idea. He furrowed his brows, thinking it was a long shot but the risk could have tempted Higgs.

“I know what happens at the end of this game. If you keep me alive long enough, I can help you win. I can also share more about my life.”

“You sly dog.” Higgs mused, giving a shake with his head. Troy for a moment thought he might’ve screwed up, but could see the wheels were turning in Higgs’s head. A deep contemplation transpired in his eyes before he growled some and got to his feet, Troy looking up as Higgs looked down upon him.

“Tell you what, I’ll take you up on that. However,” Higgs crouched down, getting eye level with Troy as a seriousness graced his eyes. “if you think for one second about fucking with me, this little coexistence of ours is over.”

Troy nodded, giving a faint smile. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Higgs snorted, then adjusted and began to unbind Troy from the pole.

“Maybe you’re startin’ to grow on me a little bit.”

**A link to my ko-fi account. If you enjoy my content and want to support me getting my monthly medication for fibromyalgia and arthritis, I would be eternally grateful. It is NOT a requirement however! All my work is free to read!**

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david-watts · 3 years

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not to be invasive and you don’t have to answer this! but how are you able not to work? I only ask because I’ve been looking into disability stuff and was curious if it had anything to do with that

gonna put this under a cut because it is highkey oversharing and goes into weird stuff that’s kinda not relevant but Is lmao (I also rewrote this because I was complaining a lot and I’m trying my damned hardest to be a little bit more positive but FUCK)

firstly where I live is like. going through an economic downturn. it has been for a while, probably before the gfc thinking about it. like for example we used to have four bookstores in town, one of which was a local icon if shops can be icons idk, and five if you include the uni one which wasn’t exactly in town but y’know, now we have one. and like I have a lot of Opinions on the fact that where I live is turning into a tourist trap which I can go into if you want? but anyway.

secondly I can’t drive for various reasons involving getting laughed at for even suggesting the topic and now it’s all ‘why can’t you drive’, and public transport here is piss poor which is HILARIOUS considering the council is either selling the carparks here for luxury hotels we don’t need or for the uni relocation which is another rant for another day but WE DON’T NEED THE UNI IN THE CENTRE OF TOWN, CITIES WITH GOOD UNIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM DON’T HAVE GOOD UNIS FOR THAT REASON THEY ACTUALLY PAY FOR GOOD STAFF AND FUND THEIR COURSES INSTEAD OF CUTTING THEM!!! and also the council is trying to get rid of one of the carparks where most people with a retail job park for uh. what is essentially a scam tertiary college who got kicked out of their old premises for not paying rent so that’s a GREAT idea of course. so like the city is expecting people to use the unreliable infrequent public transport that recently had routes and operating hours cut, but I’m going offtopic there it’s just annoying as shit y’know? so I can’t even get reliable transport which would be important for working and I haven’t even mentioned the things that are wrong with me as a person

the actual problems with me are my piss poor working memory (had it tested. it’s Bad) since I invested all my memory points into longterm like I can remember being a fortnight old but I had a list of jobs I needed to do today and here I am eating chips! I can’t remember any of them! also I have a lot of back problems which are both hereditary and like. given. thanks to my m*ther insisting on keeping going which was all fine for her. but anyway. I also have arthritis and asthma which makes things hard for me, and I have coordination issues. don’t let my art fool you I can’t use my hands for shit AND I have no depth perception apparently which is even worse with already shit coordination (I can fake both to an extent but I do not like to) so yeah I have can’t stand can’t remember and can’t grab something four feet in front of me because I think it’s closer than it is disorder lmao.

I actually think that despite the fact I am disordered as Fuck in the brain they’d not actually impact my ability to work that much, it’s mainly just my physical problems that often get denied because I’m like. nineteen. that are my downfall. though if I had on-record dxes of those I WOULD NOT be able to get a job lmao

anyway like??? I dunno if this is what you’re looking for but there’s just a lot of factors going into this and it’s just a perfect storm in a way. I’m hoping if I can get off my ass and figure out how to do commissions or something it’ll be all ok so like a traditional job is out of the question at the moment but then again my m*ther IS insisting I should sell my art at the local record store. so yeah

#if working a 'traditional' job is anything like classes at school in hs and college I'd be getting SO many ideas for the stories I'm working #those take forever because I have victor hugo disorder

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

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honestly class consciousness is one hell of a ride bc i didnt think abt it much until more recent years. i told my friend as a kid we were poor nd my mom got so pissed at that, nd i mean shes right that we rly werent as bad off as it could be, the family is just working class. but when you suddenly realize youre not on equal footing w middle class ppl, or ppl like my uncle who is one of the very rare few who started working class and not highly educated nd ended up becoming a millionaire in the US (im still coming for his wallet istg), its suddenly all... oh wait there are ppl whose reality is not this full of hurt and few opportunities.

like, being in a university in one of the most diverse cities in the country nd still having so few poc on it and most poc u meet are international students, and having heard some posh classmates talk abt studying "just like our parents" like it's the most evident thing in the world (while im the only person in the family that did college level, nvm university, and family was super proud, it's not a given to us that you do this!), hearing classmates claim that poverty and class are not really relevant for the netherlands anymore bc you now have the nouveau riche and art is less elitist now, so apparently class is less of a thing?? nd university is just such a wakeup call or a slap in the face bc my primary school was called ghetto, my high school was called ghetto, but then my art college prided itself on being very "diverse" while i had never seen this many white students in one place, and it's even worse for my university.

shit like my brother being in prison all the time when i was younger, my best friend when i was 4 having to move away bc her mom ODed on drugs, living next to a house that had 5 weed plantations in it over the years nd our greek neighbours even got pulled into that mess bc they needed money, living across a 'coffee house' tht stored rifles in it, someone across the street setting his house (and thus half the street bc dutch homes are often connected as one row) on fire, my dad working 50 hours a week as a parcel deliverer bc w less hours he doesnt earn enough, even if the fucking job means carrying 80 kilo boxes up stairs and other bullshit, his stress leading to two TIAs (strokes), my mom being super disabled by many physical impairments nd illness nd still not being granted help in the household bc she had a 'healthy daughter and boyfriend' nd also her being left w/o an income for 2 years, practically every high school friend's mom being disabled in some way, then at my mail delivery job where my coworkers complain abt another deliverer bc it took her 3 months to get back to work again nd they called her ‘lazy‘ for not working immediately despite having multiple illnesses and disabilities bc, and i quote, my colleague said “i’m in my sixties and have arthritis and i’m working too“ dude :// hes literally the person my other colleagues say has had it hard and needs a break, and then those coworkers too need a break nd have disabilities nd are nearing pension age and still doing this work while trying to do household work and all that stuff at the same time. my mom said my cousin’s job (in construction; scaffolder) pays “really good“ (i wonder if its really that much bc it’s apparently around €1700-2700 on average) but that he already gets bad physical complaints from it while hes young nd formerly rly fit and might need to quit soon and then figure something out like studying for something else if possible.

the neighbourhood i used to live in as a baby was ‘too criminal‘ according to my parents so then they moved out to the town next to it into a neighbourhood that was eventually labelled among the top ranked ‘criminal‘ neighbourhoods of the country nd now i live in rotterdam south which is basically seen in the same way bc again, more poverty, more families with migration backgrounds etc. it’s like, you can never escape this negative image unless the whole bunch is gentrified or smth stupid and the poor are pushed to live elsewhere again. and just the whole thing of being at home, being at school, being at work, it’s such a trip bc university is so fucking different to me nd u see all these people there who are quite confident in getting good jobs nd u have business students with rich parents who are already some stupid fucking greenwashing entrepreneur aiming to become a CEO, nd even though ppl at my study w all these artsy ppl, they are generally not upper class, most still seem to be so used to the safety of being middle class and make these huge statements about poverty not really being a thing here.

nd then the whole stress nd anxiety tht my parents passed onto me, partially bc of their trauma nd them being fed up w my ‘laziness’ (executive dysfunction nd burnout lol), partially bc they believe strongly in this workers’ ethic thats strongly in line with capitalism (even if my mom used to be part of a socialist party nd still adheres to many of those ideas) but also with this calvinistic and Rotterdam ( / Rijnmond area) ideology that you need to work hard for the entirety of your life in order to be a decent person, so not so much for an economic payoff or ‘success‘; you just have to work hard. my parents always told me ‘you can rest when you’re dead‘ every single time i mentioned or even implied i was a bit tired and it was frustrating to hear. this mentality is what lead to my dad practically getting two strokes, and to my mom overworking herself nd being taken away by an ambulance on my birthday party, it’s the whole fucking reason i do not like the prospect of work bc it is just so associated w something awful you need to get done and that you need to exhaust yourself on it until you hopefully get pension money, if the govt hopefully doesnt raise the pension age even further than 67. and then you see ppl in uni talk abt fun future “careers” like what the fuck are you talking about? how are you gonna get a job in the arts and culture field in this pandemic? im already happy if im able to find a job and dont have to quit due to disability or a chronic illness that runs in both sides of my family. im sorry im being so negative but im stressed about jobs and i think i went on a tangent today all bc i saw one post abt being scared of PE classes nd my mind went to bad places. this is ok to rb or reply to btw, as long as youre a mutual

#i rly dont mean to whine or anything but its just wild how normalized this shit is #i hate capitalism i rly hate it dude #rambles

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wildpokemon · 5 years

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ML Season 3 Rewatch: Chameleon

Alright, episode 1 of my rewatch!! I’ve seen pretty much all the episodes at least two or three times, but I wanted to do it again all in order (to be determined if production order really is the order) And I was originally planning to do this before the finale, with ALL the episodes. But that’s not really how things were able to go down. So, hopefully, by the time I get to when Chat Blanc and Felix are supposed to be, they will have aired and I can continue making these posts in the right order lol. I guess we’ll see.

Anyway, first up is Chameleon! I watched this episode immediately after I finished watching season 2, back in March? I think? And back then the episodes were really starting to blur together for me because I was marathoning through them so fast, so I’m excited to watch it again now!!

Play by play thoughts under the cut! And a gifset of the episode to follow shortly!!

lmao the running with the croissant

is this episode the origin of the never to be named hamster???

swapping the seats around so marinette could be next to adrien is something alya (the ultimate best friend) WOULD do. just not this time marinette, sorry lol

why Achoo. why is that what they decided to call the fictional country i just

fUCK LILA

okay so she comes in late and everyone has already swapped seats and she thanks them for remembering?? but like, did they actually remember, or did miss bustier just tell them and that’s why they switched?

first episode: hawkmoth tries to akumatize marinette. last episode before finale (Ladybug) hawkmoth almost really DOES akumatize marinette!! BOTH times because Lila’s been lying.

Lila petting adrien’s shoulder 🤢

their school cafeteria is so nice??? the plants everywhere?? and the big windows??

nothing pisses me off like lila and her fake disability bullshit lol (i mean its love to hate, shes great as a character, but MAN listening to her makes me angry lol)

“eye gouged out by the corner of a napkin” 🙄🙄

lila talking to adrien about her ““arthritis”” and she’s already grabbing the wrong wrist. girl if you gonna make your whole career about lying you should at least be GOOD at it

SO many parallels/references between this episode and the Ladybug episode

everyone was so mad at Adrien in this episode for “not helping” marinette, but honestlyyy, i personally would have handled things similarly. He calls her out, just not publicly, makes it clear to Lila that even though he’s friendly with her, he’s not on her side, and that if she crosses the line, he won’t even be that. Which we end up seeing in Ladybug. And I honestly really like that we get to see the different ways both Marinette and Adrien handle this whole issue, shows a difference in thinking patterns/thought processes while still emphasizing that their hearts are in the right place.

lila’s just like “this day isn’t going how i planned. guess i’ll just grab this akuma, tell hawkmoth who i am and be a supervillain instead - sounds fun” lol

everyone who wears a hat in this show, should just never take them off. too weird seeing their hair lol

adrien’s VA doing a lila-esque adrien voice is actually so good

i actually really like when they skip the transformation sequence and we see the glow from like behind a door lol. its a nice change of pace and can help things flow a little better too

“Quentin!! Quentin!!”

lmao five minutes later and adrien’s been hit by lila’s evil kiss again. poor guy can’t catch a break

i’ll never get over how ridiculous the lucky charm is in this episode lol. “oh no, how will ladybug get out of this one?? Ah yes, of course!! she’ll just turn the villian into a clam!!!” lmaooo i live for this kind of silliness

alya supporting nino when he’s all self conscious about not having his hat on <33

FUCK LILAA

“as long as you and i both know the truth, does it really matter?” OKAy i feel like this line gets shit on a lot, but tbhhhhh it got me in the feels first time i watched it. cause like, he knows theyre on the same side. and knowing they’re in it together is enough for him!! and thats so nice??

THE SOFT EYES!!! i will NEVER get over this. i remember watching it the first time, before i was really involved in this fandom and i was FREAKING OUT, like this is IT, this is the beginning!!! it’s happening!! he cares for her and admires her and i dont give a flying fuck if its only as a friend for now, he thinks she’s awesome and that is a great thing!!!

alsooo, just the action of choosing to sit next to her after everything IS showing support for marinette, even if its only the two of them that understand the significance. and it’s a subtle fuck you to lila too, who earlier this episode said she’d turn adrien against her. that worked out well didn’t it lie-la

“sorry lila, he’s my best friend. also, i hate you.”

Whew, man, what a way to start of the season. Drama already, a great setting of the stage for whats to come with the Lila&Hawkmoth/Gabriel storyline, aaaand what looks to be the beginnings of Adrien’s deepening feelings for Marinette. Definitely not a mistake that these things are being showcased in the very first episode imo.

In terms of production order vs real order, this is the first one, pretty sure theres no arguing on this episode. Lila comes back from Achoo, and she’s generally around the whole season, so it’s gotta be first, even if it hadn’t been essentially confirmed that it was.

#have a feeling i'll always be pretty long and rambly in these under the cut sections #also i'll try and detail out things that could help determine watch order when it's relevent too #next up is animaestro!!#probably be a few days before i get around to being able to really watch it #ml #ml chameleon #mls3 rewatch #ml season 3 #chameleon #x

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searchingwardrobes · 5 years

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Stop Fat-Shaming Sick People

I woke up this morning to see the same old, tired headline again: “Obesity linked to [insert illness here].” I’m not saying that healthy eating and exercise aren’t important to preventing illness, but headlines like these are misleading and potentially harmful. So sit back and listen because this is important:

First, a brief lesson on reading news media using basic logic. Many medical studies are sound, but the problem lies with news publishers who are going for an alarming headline (this is nothing new - it’s how they hook readers). Many articles you find on medical studies will employ anecdotal evidence. This is obvious at times, such as an anti-vaxxer saying “Little Sally came home from getting her Gardasil shot, when she suddenly was struck with a high fever. Before her parents knew it, she was having a seizure.” So a reader thinks, “oh no, poor Sally! I don’t want that happening to my kid, Gardasil must be dangerous!” When for all we know, Sally had come down with the flu. It’s the old illogical argument that just because B followed A, A must have caused B. It would be like blaming a kid’s death on vaccines because they were in a car accident on the way home.

But it isn’t just sketchy sources that can use anecdotal evidence. It can be more subtle. Which brings me back to the whole obesity causality thing. Usually, these articles will state that “two-thirds of Americans with this disease are obese.” Note who was in the study, though: Americans. Heard of something called the American obesity crisis? You take ANY segment of Americans, and two thirds of them will be obese. Again, it doesn’t mean that A caused B.

So why am I pissed when I see these headlines? Well, for me, it’s personal. I have psoriasis and recently I read a misleading article that didn’t even take the time to explain what psoriasis even IS. Most people just think it’s a skin disease where you have an ugly rash. Nope, it’s an auto-immune disease. Your body thinks it’s being attacked, so it rushes extra cells to repair damage that isn’t even there. These cells build up, causing scaly patches to appear on the skin. Extra cells can also be sent to the joints, causing psoriatic arthritis, or to organs causing them to thicken. One such organ being the heart, which can lead to a heart attack. But instead, this article made it sound like this happens because people are fat. I was a 75 pound seventh grader when I first started showing symptoms, I’ll have you know.

I can go into more depth about psoriasis, but that would be a separate post. My focus here is fat shaming people who are ill. The danger is the misconception that people are to blame for the pain they are suffering. It also ignores the fact that weight gain is sometimes a symptom of certain illnesses. My sister has polycystic ovarian syndrome. It’s why she can’t conceive a child. One of the symptoms of pcos is weight gain and difficulty losing weight. My sister eats healthier than I do, to be honest, yet she weighs more. No matter how healthy she eats or how much she exercises, the BMI chart still says she’s obese. She has to focus on her health, not the scale.

Many medications to manage illnesses can also cause weight gain. My anti-anxiety medicine causes weight gain, and believe me, it has. Some diseases and medications can also cause bloating or swelling, giving the appearance of weight gain. In other words, sometimes B actually causes A, not the other way around.

The other danger is making thin people complacent with their health. Some people are thin not because they live at the gym or eat like a bird, but simply because of genetics. My husband’s stepmom is tiny, and our culture would look at her and say, wow, how healthy! But during tax season once (she’s an accountant), she overworked herself to the bone, getting barely an sleep, and lived off fast food. One day, she passed out at work and was taken to the emergency room. She was deficient in several vitamins and was dehydrated. Thin doesn’t equal healthy and we need to stop assuming it does.

We also have this idea that ill people should be wasting away and “look” sick. But sick could also look like a person with pcos who can’t lose weight. It could look like a person with psoriasis who is so ashamed of their disease and the weird looks they get, that they are too embarrassed to go to the gym or swim at the pool with their kids or jog around the neighborhood, so they put on weight. And while we need to know what causes diseases so we can prevent them, we need to be careful not to blame people for being sick. That’s when we stop having compassion. It could also make us stop looking for a cure.

#personal rant #but this is important #stop fat shaming #especially ill people #thin doesn't always mean healthy

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lyraeon · 7 years

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Hi! Sorry for intruding, and you definitely don't have to answer if this too personnal or invasive, but I've been wondering if my depression might be a bipolar one for a while now, only I don't always see myself in the way people talk about mania/hypomania, only sometimes I do? And the way you described mania being /straightforwardly frustrating/ sort of spoke to me, so I was wondering if you could explain what you meant by that? (or direct me to posts where you have?) Huge thanks!

Hello friend!

I’m sure I have other posts about it somewhere, but short of digging through my whole relevant tag, I wouldn’t know where to look for them. But I don’t mind explaining overall.

First of all, if your depression seems to come and go, but not necessarily be replaced by hypomania or mania, it may be something else. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the most common alternative, but Cyclothymia is also a thing, and should especially be looked up if your depression also never hits a bottomless pit level. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “well, it’s not THAT bad, so I guess I’m ONLY cyclothymic and I shouldn’t worry about it” or whatever though!! That’s just the depression talking and trying to keep you down. Ignore it.

I don’t know if I get manic or hypomanic, doctors have consistently disagreed about it. But, I know I have two main modes of mania, though they can bleed into each other.

There winds up being talk about hallucinations, self-harm, and graphic nightmares in this, so if that’s gonna bug anyone reading this, J on past it

Hyperactive mania:

What is sleep? This is not me procrastinating sleep or being distracted by other things, this is me flat out not needing more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and having trouble getting to sleep to begin with, not in an insomnia “I’m so tired but can’t settle down” way but in a “I don’t feel tired unless I drink or take sleeping pills or otherwise really wear myself out” way.

Zero focus - I have little to no attention span most of the time to begin with (I suspect I have ADHD but most doctors will be reluctant to diagnose that in addition to bipolar, since mania has a lot of overlap). This typically gets worse during mania; I will repeatedly get up out of my chair to walk laps around my house, often gesturing wildly and definitely talking out loud to myself if no one’s home. I’ll sometimes try to play music to get the energy out to that, but rarely get through a single verse before skipping to the next.

Hyperfocus - and when I do manage to focus on something, (which has to either be something I’m REALLY ENJOYING or something social) I will get dragged into it for 14 hours and only snap out of it if I need a bathroom break or something. The Sims is a common one, not just for me but for a lot of people from what I hear. I always know something was a hyperfocus and not a thing I really wanted to do in general because after 3 days - 2 weeks of the thing I won’t touch it again for months or years. My last manic fit involved playing a sim city phone game for 6-7 hours a day and binge watching multiple people’s entire hermitcraft 4 season. The one before that had me playing rollercoaster tycoon constantly.

sex drive - suddenly characters and celebrities I had not previously regarded as hot are hot. Suddenly I have 15 AO3 tabs open. I feel like people who know me well can notice my mania just by how often and what gets reblogged to my NSFW blog.

poor decision making - I’m far more likely to buy ice cream or alcohol or other things I don’t need to be spending my money on. I’m far more likely to give in to the whole not sleeping thing, or to take sleeping meds despite cutting it way too close to when I have to be up the next day. I lose my verbal filter. I still don’t know if the fact I don’t do anything life-ruiningly stupid is evidence I’m only hypomanic, not manic, or just my anxiety keeping me in check.

Intense emotions - I cried at a University of Phoenix ad yesterday y’all. I also in general am not one to cheer or yell at something happening on TV/in a video, but get more invested when manic and react on a level closer to when I’m actively playing a game or something.

But there’s also the frustrating side (not that the above isn’t often frustrating, just that the above are more associated with positive emotions or at least not a pervasive Stressed Out feeling)

Easily frustrated - I am not one to get mad, normally. I actually get criticized for just letting things slide that obviously upset me/”you keep saying it’s okay right after saying it’s not okay”. I don’t know how to handle getting mad due to gaslighting issues growing up that I won’t get into right now so when I do start getting mad, it tends to build up until I find myself tense and literally stomping mad and sitting in the car screaming in frustration (because if I scream in the house someone might hear me). I also snap at people far, far more often when manic, losing any patience I would typically have and sometimes going for passive aggressive gouges if what they’re annoying me with has built up over a couple days as opposed to instantly. For example, yelling at people who are in my raid group.

nightmares - dear god the nightmares. I will do things in them that I find barely or completely unquestionable in them, then wake up freaked the fuck out because I just - well, we’ll go with today’s example, which is that I fuckin shot my dog in my dream, and for no apparent reason! Death is a pervasive thing in these, including me getting jolted awake by my own death in them, but unstoppable torrents of water are also common as is things just not making any sense - an object I’m holding turning into something else the moment I try to give it to someone else is also something that happens a lot

tense - dear god do my shoulders and back hurt, and not my normal everyday chronic arthritis pain, because that’s in the joints. This is every muscle pulled as tight as it will go and locked, and often carries a sensation of “the only way to fix this is to literally claw them off the bones”. Upper back is the most common but my forearms come next (especially near my elbows) and every major muscle can feel that way if I’m far enough gone. This used to lead to self-harm in the form of me scraping at those areas trying to make the sensation stop (and has lead to weird masochism stuff), but it’s something I consciously avoid now. I’ll usually try to rub at them or stretch to relieve the tightness, but often sleeping it off is my only real recourse.

really, really, REALLY unable to focus - I can’t get through two minutes of a video without pausing it. I skip every song 4 seconds in and instead of just feeling like they don’t fit quite right, each song feels like it’s personally offending me by not being the right one and I eventually give up and take off my headphones in a huff. I’ll forget I was loading the dishwasher halfway through. I’ll keep doing one more little task and one more little task for hours to procrastinate simple things like eating or walking the dog. I always in general have trouble finishing my sentences sometimes, because I’ll lose words or I’ll wind up reading/hearing something mid-sentence, but it becomes every third sentence.

Itchy - everything feels wrong. My hair has to be pinned up as thoroughly as possible so it can’t touch my skin, my glasses have to be perfectly clean because the smudges will piss me off, my clothes have to be just right so they don’t touch my skin in ways that will make me jump/itch like if my hair touches me, any rough edge of my nails or cuticles has to immediately be chewed off, if there’s a weird hair or a zit or a scab anywhere on me I will be picking at it instantly, whatever I’m sitting or laying on is too lumpy, etc. My scalp itches regardless of when I last washed my hair, but washing my hair sounds dreadful because the sensation of wet hair weighing me down is even worse (vs it normally being a soothing sensation to me). My ears itch!! it’s maddening and distracting.

noise and light sensetivity - everything is too bright and too loud! I’ll have as many lights off as possible (sitting in the dark, showering in the dark, screens all as dim as they will go; I’ll often close my eyes or blindfold myself if I really need to concentrate on something I’m typing or listening to). I try to get white noise because background sounds like the dog walking around will drive me batty, but white noise will give the same “wrong one” sensation as music, and if I notice ANY repetition in the white noise (obvious bird loops for example) unless I have deliberately chosen a repetitive melody because it feels right, I will snap and have to turn it off and probably just cover my ears for a while.

The sensation that shit would suck less if I was drunk right now, because that would either “at least give me something to do” or “make all of this funny instead of annoying” (but alcohol only intensifies what I’m feeling, so if I’m “good” manic it makes me super happy and if I’m frustrated manic I just get angrier)

just an overall sense that everything is wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it and unlike when I’m depressed, wherein I feel like it’s all my fault and I probably deserve to die because of it, it all just pisses me off more and makes me need to get up and wander around. in the less extreme of these moments, I end up trying to figure out lists of what needs to be done, but getting frustrated trying to think that hard. In the worse ones, things will be blown out of scale and I’ll be plagued not just by the problems in my own life but by how fucking frustrating it is not to be able to fix, oh, our broken government, or how frustrating it is that I don’t have the money to just buy us a house right this second, etc.

hallucinations - this is top floor mania for me. The only thing above it is the roof that I will sometimes lay on at 2 in the morning, limbs spread as wide as possible for minimal skin contact, laughing uncontrollably on the inside while feeling paralyzed. My hallucinations are “mild” ones - I’ve only had one or two visual flashes in my life, everything else has been sounds, and it’s rarely been even words, let alone more. it’s usually alarms and sometimes music. I’ll hear my boyfriend’s alarm going off, or the fire alarm going off, or my own alarm going off, or my family’s burglar alarm going off, etc. This is one that meds have been royally good at keeping under control and I’ve only had breakthroughs of it when I’m also sleep deprived.

-basically, mania is fUCKING FRUSTRATING AS ALL GET OUT because you have all this energy but nothing FEELS RIGHT so nothing gets DONE, 99.94% of the time.

The additional problem for me with breakthrough mania - that is, symptoms that happen despite my medication keeping me mostly “normal” - is that it rarely brings any of the positive aspects that make being manic at least fun in the moment, if not sometimes genuinely worth it. I can get a LOT done when manic if I can take advantage of it before the bad symptoms set in, and I suspect a lot of my current writer’s block issues are because I’m not getting the same kind of hyperfocus days that I used to. But boy do I still itch sometimes, boy are my shoulders craving for me to go rub on a tree like a bear, boy is my stomach cranky because I’m so hungry but eating food sounds like a horrifying chore because what if it doesn’t taste right, etc.

I don’t really know how to explain exactly what I mean by the emotions feeling stunted, but it’s sort of like trying your hardest to find the can opener because you know it’s got to be somewhere, but it’s not anywhere you’re looking, except the can opener is your ability to be excited about this thing you wanted to do, or is your ability to be mad about something you know for a fact you’re pissed about, but you get stuck sitting there just dully frustrated instead because you can only read the label of the can, not actually experience the contents? Or maybe like opening it and finding store brand, “no sugar added” peaches instead of the really good del monte overly sweet stuff; your emotions themselves just feel lackluster compared to what you know they can be.

If a lot of this sounds familiar - if you’re like, yeah I get really annoyed easily and get sensory issues etc but I thought I didn’t get mania because I’ve never been pulled over in vegas going 110 in a 45 and all the media presents of mania is that and crazy chicks putting themselves $12,000 in debt overnight and waking up with no recollection of it - then you probably have hypomanic bipolar. If little bits sound familiar but they always are accompanied by existential dread and/or the pervasive sense you’ve gotta keep moving Or Else, it could be some sort of anxiety disorder. Parts of this list also overlap with autism, or with ADHD, or with BPD, just depending on which symptoms you have.

By my understanding, the one cornerstone of any form of mania is that you feel like you have more energy than normal; not more energy than depressed you, but an actual excess. That energy can fade fast/turn out to be just a sensation and not actual energy, but the sensation is still there, and usually fucks with your sleep.

Hopefully that helped. If it didn’t, or if it did but there’s something else you want to know, feel free to shoot me another anon or a message. I might be slow to respond because my sleep schedule is currently fucked to three more hells than normal, but I will definitely do what I can to help.

#bipolar disorder #mania #bipolar #mental health #lyra's gone full on spazzbucket #tw self harm #tw hallucinations

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theoddcatlady · 7 years

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The Legion Studies, Part Three

tw: racial slurs

November 15, 198X

The victim was ‘Randy’. I never got the full names of the B-2 group, perhaps to keep it anonymous for the subjects. Randy was a drug addict that had been arrested multiple times for dealing. I’d not liked working with him, but I hadn’t disliked him. I mostly hated his breath, his teeth were rotted out and made me nauseated.

The incident happened sometime between five and six AM. The power had gone out, likely due to the windstorms we’d been getting, and when it came back on one of the doctors stumbled across his body. I heard him shriek and ran to the source, stumbling across the gruesome scene.

Randy’s head had been bashed in, likely someone had grabbed him by the hair and repeatedly slammed him against the wall, judging by the blood smear.

However, what had shaken me up was that Randy’s hands were clutched around his middle, holding his stomach. I came closer and carefully moved his arm to see why he had died holding himself like that. His intestines bulged from a gaping wound before spilling free, like bloody bags.

I screamed.

The rest of the B-2 group was rounded up and put in separate interview rooms. I spoke to Ollie and Ernie.

Ollie’s interview… went as expected.

“Do I have to speak to you?” The man grunted, scratching his large stomach. The image of Randy’s innards flashed back through my mind and I swallowed the acid in my mouth.

I kept my face straight. “No, but if you refuse to speak to me, I’ll have you marked as uncooperative. And if I’m reading here correctly, you are the one with murder on their record. Things aren’t looking good for you.”

Ollie sneered, his beady eyes narrowed. “Fine, play it like that. No wonder you’re not married.” He gave a meaningful look at my left hand. “Didn’t murder Randy. Damn crackhead pissed me off, kept asking for drugs. The only drugs I have is pain meds for my arthritis. And I ain’t sharing with an addict. But I didn’t kill him. I was asleep.”

I glanced down at my list of questions I was asked to cover. “… Did Randy seem to have anyone who was actually that ‘pissed’ at him? Maybe Rex? They got in a fight a few days ago, I’ve heard.”

“The younger nigger?”

My stomach turned harshly and my fists clenched. “Ollie, I’m going to request you watch your language or this interview is over.”

Ollie raised his hands. “Hey, only saying the truth. And I didn’t pay attention to most of it. Think Randy caught Rex stealing his stuff and it all boiled over after that. Ended when someone put a fist through a wall, dunno who, I wasn’t paying attention. Bet Rex killed him though.”

“We’re not going to discuss that.” I glanced at the next question and my fingernails dug into my palms. “… Do you believe this could have been caused by someone under the influence of… demonic… forces?” I was stunned that they were already going over this. A man died and the project had still taken priority.

Ollie cocked his head to the side before he smiled and nodded. “You don’t believe in this bull either?” He guessed.

I cleared my throat. “I’m not going to talk about my personal beliefs with you,” I said.

“’t’s okay, means you got some sense.” Ollie shook his head. “Nope. It was just human nature, Barbara. Just human nature.”

I was thankful when I went to interview Ernie. He was far more tolerable.

“You doin’ all right?”

I allowed a faint smile reached my lips. “I’m fine. A little shaken, like I imagine we all are. Did you overhear anything, were you asleep?” I asked.

Ernie ran a hand through his thick hair. “Hmmm. Around that time, I was doin’ my Bible reading. I keep feelin’ dark forces in my room. It’s hard to sleep with all that.” He shivered.

“I know. Did you hear anything though? A struggle, Randy getting out of bed?” I questioned, pressing past the ‘dark forces’.

Ernie thought for a moment. “I think I heard someone talking to Randy, maybe asking him something… but that was it. The whole thing took place too far away for me to hear.” He shook his head. “Poor kid.”

Like I said. Ernie was far more tolerable than Ollie.

“Are you gonna ask me about the fight between Randy and Rex?”

I nodded. “I have to. Do you know what took place?”

Ernie sighed. “Randy was on something, I dunno how, but he wasn’t minding Rex’s space. Kept badgering him. Rex tolerated it until Randy said he could see something in Rex’s head. Something cold, lurking, waiting. Rex didn’t like that. Belted Randy across the face. Randy was the one who put his fist through the wall. It wasn’t Rex though. Wasn’t Rex who killed Randy.”

“What makes you sure of that?” I asked.

“Easy.” Ernie jerked his head to the side. “I heard Rex talking with someone about that time. His room’s next to mine. A doctor named Emmet?”

I felt my spine grow cold. “I’m… not aware of a doctor by that name. Are you sure that was Rex said Emmet?”

Ernie nodded. “Heard it as clear as your name, Dr. Moore. Rex was talking with Emmet about the Legion Studies. Emmet has this high pitched voice? Maybe that’ll make you remember him. Anyway, they were talking about the studies, how they were going. Rex sounded nervous. I think he’s not so sure about signing up. He is pretty young, this is heavy stuff. Is that all?”

“One more question… actually two, and the second is rather personal.” I paused. “Do you believe Randy’s death had a supernatural element to it?”

I was not surprised by Ernie’s response. “Yes. Someone killed the man in cold blood. Brutal and evil. What’s your second question, doctor?”

“Why haven’t you asked Father Carter to keep you company? To scare off the… ‘dark forces’.”

Ernie recoiled like he’d been slapped. He shook his head wildly no. “I did that once and it was a mistake. Father Carter just made it feel heavier. It was like someone was pressing their hands into my shoulders. I almost fell over. I end up telling him to leave. I’ll keep myself safe. With my Bible in hand.”

I walked out of the room to run into Hugo.

Hugo looked grave. “Emmet’s here?” He asked.

“Ernie said it was one of the doctors. There’s a lot of staff here, I don’t know all their names-“

Hugo raised his hand before he pulled off one of his many necklaces. Without a word, he fastened it around my neck. He stepped back and nodded.

“There. Just… don’t take it off. That’s one of my blessed pieces.” He looked me dead in the eye, and I felt that chill from the interview room return. “Don’t take it off. Please?”

I gripped the silver cross. “Okay. I won’t,” I said.

Hugo sighed with relief.

“Thank you.”

#horror stories #scary stories #sixpenceee stories #demonic possession #creative writing #my stories #the legion studies

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