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safetypinxtales · 5 months

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Lonely with you | Azriel

summary: it seems like everyone's found their mates, except you. On a sleepless night you turn to your friend, in hopes that being alone, together, will feel slightly less lonely.

words: 1.5k

warnings: fluff, feelings of loneliness, thirsting over our boy az and his thighs, kind of just a drawn out drabble, some angst, generally just softness, Azriel with a book needs a warning in and of itself, very slight jealousy, neutrally described reader/no reader description, no use of y/n, PINING

notes: haven't written in years, and never befor for Azriel, or anyone from acotar, so bare with me. Not sure what I think of this, nor what the future might hold, but I had some time off uni and this idea that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

part 2

You knew what picture was waiting for you in the living room of the House before you even rounded that corner. The distinct sound of pages turning, the hint of whiskey in the air, and him.

That scent that was just so distinctly Azriel it almost made you forget that echoing emptiness in your chest.

The sight that greeted you as you entered the room belonged in a museum, or at the very least at the front of some Day Court scribe’s lecture hall, being studied by the brightest minds in Prythian. You wanted to commission Feyre to paint it from your memories so it could be immortalized, even if just for your eyes. Because by the Gods, it was mesmerizing.

Azriel sat – no, sprawled across one of the couches, those thick, muscled, sweatpant-clad thighs so deliciously, invitingly, teasingly spread apart. The book in his hand was not one you recognized, but then his taste in literature was slightly more… sophisticated than yours. But that just made it all so much more enticing didn’t it? The thought of this gorgeously dark, winged male consuming deep, meaningful art? It would make any sane person fall to their knees.

The hazel of his eyes didn’t show any sign of surprise as his gaze met yours. He knew you were coming, most likely courtesy of the shadows leisurely curling around his shoulders. Cauldron, was he a sight…

… And your friend. Unfortunately.

“Are you just going to stand there all night or will you eventually move?” Right, right. How long had your feet been rooted to the floor? Judging by the humorous tone of his voice and that boyish sparkle in his eyes, probably a tad too long.

Forcing your body to take a step, and another, you tried to think of something – anything to say.

“Sorry, I–... I just didn’t expect you to be here is all,” liar, “I guess you caught me by surprise”. It wasn’t the best excuse in the world, but with the situation at hand it could have been a lot worse. Like, a lot. Besides, it’s not like you could have told him the truth.

Sorry Azriel, it’s just that I have been desperately yearning for you for the last couple of years and seeing you like this, looking all boyfriend-y, has me nearly swallowing my own tongue because of how perfect you look. I am just humiliatingly obsessed with every single little thing you do, as well as horrifyingly lonely to a default. In a non creepy way, of course.

… You would rather free-dive off the dining room balcony before ever admitting that to him.

His brows furrowed as he observed you, like he could see the lie written across your face, before humming lightly, almost as to himself. He reached a hand out to the glass resting on the coffee table and brought it to his lips, taking a sip of the amber liquid inside. Your eyes were trained on his mouth as he lowered the glass. Trained on the candlelight reflected in the alcohol wetting his lips. Those shiny, pouty, full–

His tongue slipped out and delicately swiped across his lower lip, licking off the remnants of the whiskey from the glass in his hand, and it took everything in you to not whimper at the sight.

Cauldron boil you.

Needing something to ground yourself, you made your way over to pour yourself a glass of whatever Azriel was drinking and collapsed beside him on the couch, trying to roll that stubborn stiffness out of your shoulders.

”Can’t sleep either?” He asked you on a slight chuckle.

“No, not with them going at it like bunnies,” you sighed, “how is it even possible for Cassian to… you know? I mean, not only is it day after day, but all night, non-stop? You need– I mean not you specifically, I don’t know anything about your sexual habits, just– just males in general,” oh Gods, “you– you need to rest, at some point – right?”

Azriel took in your flustered state, and pursed his lips as if to keep from laughing. His amusement did not help your case at all, only making the heat crawl further up your neck, your ears positively aflame.

“I guess the mating bond has its perks,” he surmised, and you couldn’t escape the huff that exited your nose.

That damned mating bond. The very one the Mother seemed to be handing out left to right lately, to everyone except you. And Azriel. But unlike you, he was a damn catch and could have anyone he’d like.

“Am I an absolute wench for being jealous of Nesta? And Elain? And Feyre?” You whined as you threw your head back on the couch.

“Not at all,” Azriel’s raspy voice comforted you, easing the tightness in your stomach. You still felt like one though; Nesta was your best friend and you were happy for her, but still–

“It’s just so unfair! They were born like, yesterday! I have been suffering through a mostly miserable existence for over five centuries now and I have never even come close to a connection like they have,” you rolled your neck, “I am over the moon for them, don’t get me wrong, and I hate to make their happiness about me–“

“But being alone around people who… aren’t, can be very lonely,” Azriel finished and your heart clenched as you looked at him. Beautiful, kind, caring Azriel. One of your best friends, and the male you were hopelessly, devastatingly in love with.

Knowing he, too, was hurting was painful in itself, but also slightly comforting. Knowing you weren’t alone in your loneliness.

“You’re in pain,” he mumbled, and you opened your mouth to answer, but you couldn’t. Because it wasn’t really a question was it? “Your shoulders,” he noted, “they’re tense.”

“Oh, it’s fine, really. Nothing to worry about, just a small kink,” you tried to brush it off, but he looked at you with such intensity it made your whole body tingle.

“No it’s not,” it was like he could see right through you, “No, you have been worrying your neck ever since you sat down.” He pondered a moment before he sat up a little straighter beckoning for you to move closer. “Come on, let me help you with that.”

Your mouth fell open.

Was he insinuating he wanted to rub your back? Your half naked, barely-nightgown-clad back. With his hands. Those magical, beautiful hands. Oh Gods.

Your attempt of a protest died in your throat at the slight raise of his eyebrows. He was not to argue with.

He marked the page he was on and placed his book down on the table in front of you, his eyes not straying from you once. Like he was afraid you would bolt if he looked away, even just for a second.

In his defense, you very well might have.

A shaky breath released from your lungs as you put your glass down and readjusted your position on the couch until you were situated between his legs. With your back facing him, you carefully pulled your hair over one shoulder to give him better access, trying to block out the thoughts of how incredibly warm those bite-able thighs of his were.

The warm calluses of his hands on your skin set you ablaze, and as he carefully started to massage out the knots in your upper back you swore you could have melted, then and there.

You couldn’t help leaning in to his skillful touch. You also couldn’t help the breathy groan that escaped you as he started to work on a particularly tense area.

Or how your heart rate picked up as you heard what you swore was Azriel’s breath hitching in response.

You basked in the intimacy of the moment, fully enjoying all of his undivided attention.

The gesture, the moment, it all felt so domestic and comforting that the constant emptiness in your chest started to close over. Even if just for now. Even if it was all borrowed; a lovely, elusive fantasy – you let yourself feel whole.

You barely registered his hands slowing to a stop, or the new found looseness in your shoulders. Barely registered as his hands slid down your arms and slowly tugged you back towards his chest.

Not until you were engulfed in his warmth, his arms wrapped around you did you realize how well you fit together.

Like two pieces of a puzzle.

“Be lonely with me tonight,” his breath tickled your ear, “please.”

You knew it probably wasn’t wise. That tomorrow, when all of this would be gone, the hurt would resurface. The loneliness even heavier than before. But you couldn’t get yourself to care. To tell him no. Tell yourself no.

Instead you burrowed deeper in his embrace, closed your eyes, and even if just for tonight, you let his warmth fill the void in your chest.

Until that void had been replaced by a vibrating, golden, glow.

#acotar #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel fluff #azriel acotar #azriel shadowsinger #a court of thorns and roses #azriel fanfic #azriel imagine #lonely with you

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thelivingsin · 5 months

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deltarune theory

i've always had this theory since the day i learned what we all know about kris so far and when i've heard those theories saying ralsei is the counterpart of their lost headband and a symbolism of asriel and kris' longing for him, and i guess now is the time i tell it.

personally, i think that in any way, ralsei will have to disappear by the end of the game.

of course he and the rest of the darkners will. but hear me out on this one.

think of it as the scene in inside out where bingbong fades away in riley's mind leaving joy to return to the hq alone. this scene highly symbolizes the coming of riley's puberty because it was stated that bingbong was their "imaginary friend."

so i'd like to think that this prompt would happen to ralsei, again, in any way, but still relating to that way. whether ralsei turns to stone or, maybe (as per my weird imagination), we seal the pure fountain, preventing us to enter the dark world ever again, i'd still anticipate this scene happens.

we all know asriel will return in a week, right? so by the seventh and last day in the game, we say goodbye to ralsei and the dark world for good. now that asriel's returning from uni, kris wouldn't feel very lonely anymore, except when asriel has to head back, but eventually, kris will have to embrace this phase of them growing up. it's not like they're completely losing grip on their childhood and childlikeness, just... growing up. because in a few years, kris will enter college like their brother.

the headband. their fantasies. running away from reality. the concept of darkness as a form of escapism. all of these ideas will have to fade away in the end. but the only thing we should not let go of and forget is the friends we made along the way.

even if it's just for a week.

#deltarune theory #i remembered this while doing the dishes #this was indeed highly based on that scene from inside out #i'd be really happy if this happens in the game. /srs #iskdok

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pebblysand · 11 months

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Omggg pebbles! That mia pov fic🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I'm so in love with how you've portrayed her. She's heart broken but she's gonna get better, I hope she does. It's so sad that she was so hurt because of harry especially when harry didn't mean to do so at any point. I wonder if harry actually thinks about her and regrets their relationship for actually hurting her. Also pebbles, how do you think ginny feels about mia at this point? Are ginny and harry sorry that they kissed when harry was in a relationship with mia?

Also at some point do you think harry and miss could ever be in touch? And what about her father? Will that dickhead ever come back to his senses and treat his gem of a daughter the way she deserves? Will they ever be in touch?

Istg i have soooo many questions about mia. Thanks for writing about her, I see so much of myself in her and i can't help but root for her ❤❤❤

aww thanks ❤️. you have a lot of questions about mia? that's good - i have a lot of thoughts, lol 😆 (for reference and for anyone who hasn't read it - Mia fic is here)

it's funny, i recently had a similar discussion with folks on discord about mia getting to her own version of the epilogue. i think people generally want me to say that she's okay in the same way that people want(ed) JKR (obv. pre-JKR becoming awful) to tell them that george was "okay." this sort of comfort of: we know they've been through a lot but they're okay, please-tell-me-they're-okay, you know? and i remember JKR was always a bit like "😬 is he, though?" realistically speaking? i think that's how i feel about mia too.

on discord, about her epilogue, i said:

i think her epilogue in my head is maybe a bit more… bittersweet than other people's epilogues. cause i think (and this is totally my headcanon, you can see it differently), she has a lot of good things coming out of this. she’s able to establish boundaries with her parents in a much healthier way, she learns to trust herself and stops being such a people pleaser, she learns that she doesn’t have to do everything alone, she has an amazing career - all those things made possible by her character evolution while she was with harry. but there’s this bittersweet aspect of: i think to her, he is and will always be the one that got away. and the kind of love story they had, at the age she was (20/21), those are the things that just stick with you, you know? and i don’t think she regrets anything she did/decisions she made, but there’s this aspect of: he’s the one she fell in love with, and he’ll probably always be the one she will compare other people she dates to. and that’s just… it, you know? and i don’t think she’s sad forever, i think she has fun and has a good life and maybe even finds another partner if she wants to, but harry is the one she's always going be talking to her therapist about. again, that’s okay, and i feel for her So Much, but i think it does sort of have this impact on her that never truly goes away.

i think to me, when it came to shaping mia's character, it was very important for her to have her own arc, too. of course, she existed in reaction to harry's storyline, and was going to help him realise some things about himself, but i also wanted her to be a person, and to grow in her own way.

at her core, mia is someone who is very lonely. when we meet her, she's in her last year of uni. she's away from home, in an environment that is not her own, and basically has no one who really cares about her. her mother is having a new family (new husband, new baby) and while she loves her, she's also replacing her. this is a detail in chapter 13 but mia doesn't even have a bed in their new house. her father is an absolute arsehole who tries to control her life after being absent for 17 years, and she doesn't really have friends. harry always says she has a lot of people around her, but they're school friends, acquaintances, going-out friends, not people she'd ever actually confide in. when she's starving herself trying to survive, no one notices. she says so herself in chapter 14:

‘You know no one else [cares], right?’ she says, then. Looks up to cross his gaze and takes his breath away. ‘Not my dad, not my mum, not my friends in school where I’m like,’ she speaks quick, rolling her eyes, ‘the token black girl with the funny accent from up North when their parents all know people - bloody Vivienne Westwood or something,’ she sighs. Her voice breaks. For the first time that morning, he hears tears in her words. ‘And, I don’t even hold it against them. They’ve all got objectively more important things than me to worry about. It’s just so fucking lonely sometimes.’

i think when i was building her character, i kept thinking about how lonely i felt during my first years in uni. mia isn't a self-insert in the way that i think we're very different people (god, i would have dumped his arse so much quicker), but that's definitely something i wanted to address in castles. in popular culture, we tend to romanticise our early twenties and uni years as the "best time of our lives," but the more i think back, and the more i talk to my friends now, as a grown-up, the more i realise that many of us have this very similar experience of deep loneliness and this feeling of being "lost" in the wild world of early adulthood. it's not just about mia's family, or her friends, or her doomed romantic relationship with harry. what makes her relatable, i think, is this general feeling of loneliness and inadequacy that we've all felt at some point in that time period of our lives. you're in uni, you're sitting there stressing about finding a job, a partner, what life is going to be like once you graduate. add to that that this period of your life is often where you get your first real relationships and heartbreaks, and it makes for a very hard time. and, it's terribly lonely because it's so romanticised that you can't even say it's hard, or that you're lonely, because This Is The Best Time of Your Life and #yolo.

and, with mia, you add to that the fact that she's broke af. like: she doesn't have money for food. in an environment where everyone around her has money. so, she doesn't want to admit how broke she is, doesn't want to ask for help because there is literally no one who would help her, but the financial stress is killing her. and, i think it's very important to consider that the money harry gives her isn't much to him, but to her - she later owes him her life and her career. the thing about financial precarity is, you can tell people to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" all you want, the staple of financial precarity is that you're one major expense away from a catastrophe. people are maintained in poverty because what is a small expense to someone with financial security (say: having to fix the lights on your car for instance) can throw someone else in a cycle of debt that they'll never get out of. the money harry gives her is just enough that she's able to get her head above water, and while he always says it's not about the money - to her, that makes a huge difference. because, she's not only one major expense away from a catastrophe, she's also one minor donation away from being able to live the life she dreams of. she - quite literally - owes him paris. she owes her career to him choosing to believe in her in that moment when it mattered. could she have done it without it? maybe. but there is a high chance that if he hadn't given her the money, she'd probably have drowned, given up and gone back to manchester and had a shit job she hated for the rest of her life. that is terribly important. she'll always be grateful to him for helping her out when no one else did.

and, i think the loneliness is also why she and harry connect on such a deep level, because when they meet, he is incredibly lonely too. not in the same relatable, muggle uni ways but: ginny's left, the "buzz" and the elation of the first couple of post-war months have lifted, the press is saying he's gone insane, it's winter, it's dark, wet. he says it himself when they first sleep together in chapter 5:

Mia dances close; Harry mostly watches, but at around three in the morning, they share another taxi home. The fact that they live in the same building could have been a good excuse, Harry thinks, except that by that point, they don’t really need one. He’s already kissed her, trailed his fingers up her thighs in the club (loud music, smoke; he managed to just smile and not think) so it’s not exactly a surprise when he follows her down the stairs to her flat instead of going up to his. He kind of hates himself for the thought but to be honest, it’s been over two months since he’s last had sex and well, she’s offering.

it's kind of tragic but being "there" and "offering" is most of her appeal, at that point in time. and, it's in reaction to those who aren't there and offering. and so, in those months, they bring each other so much. and of course, it grows into something that is much more than loneliness-bonding. again, to mia, harry is the one who shows her her father is an arsehole. he's the one who believes in her when no one else does. he shows her she can trust people. i think the fact that he insists he cares about her, and will always care about her, even when they're not together, means the world to her. she's never had anyone like that in her life. and, in a strange way, by being an - objectively - shitty boyfriend, he teaches her to stand up for herself. because, not only is she terribly lonely, she's also such a people-pleaser that she never pulls anyone up on their shitty behaviour. she doesn't resent her friends (see above), or her dad, or her mum. when harry says this in chapter 15, it really matters:

‘You’re brilliant,’ he just said, instead. His voice cracked and he felt tears clouding his vision, closed his eyes for a moment. ‘You deserve so much better than this.’ She looked down to her lap, then back up to him. ‘Better than him or better than you?’

the question is rhetorical here and they both know it. harry is important to her development as a character because at the end, he allows her to be like: yeah, i fucking deserve better than you people. for her, that's huge.

but then, in a strange way, i do think she's rather nostalgic about it. because i think she really did love him and just wishes things had gone differently. because again, he's the one person who cared about her when no one else did and that's hard to let go of. i think she - again - has very conflicted feelings about it, which do filter through in the paris fic.

that said, to answer your question (I wonder if harry actually thinks about her and regrets their relationship for actually hurting her): yes, he does. i think that's part of his character evolution too. he knows he Fucked Up and it sucks. he feels very guilty about it. that's why he agrees to be the 'bad guy' in the end, when she basically asks him to break up with her because she can't, and then does it in the most godawful way. he takes responsibility for his behaviour, which is also very important to his character arc. it's very hard to navigate your late teens/early twenties without hurting someone without meaning to. what matters is how you react and own up to it. he struggles, acts like a complete douchebag, but in the end, he owns it. he gives her the story she needs to move on and be like: yes, he cared about me, but he was also an arsehole. he gives her that:

She met a boy who slept with her on and off for eight months and broke her heart, dumped her after sex and punched her father in the face. It's not a lie.

in a very strange way, that's an act of love and care too. it might not be enough for her to completely get over him or forget him, but it does allow her to have mixed feelings and hang onto the fact that she deserves better, which is already a lot.

but yeah, of course he feels guilty. he even says so himself in 15 & 16:

(xv) They talk about Mia, that night. Not that he brings it up, but in light of what Gwenog Jones said, he actually asks if she regrets the dating and the going out. There is no judgement in his voice, he’s just curious, and she says: ‘I don’t know, it’s complicated.’ She asks if he regrets Mia and he wants to laugh - same, yeah. He wonders if perhaps, these were the mistakes they needed to make.

(xvi) It’s a fair question, of course. How he feels about Mia. A couple months have passed. Water, bridges and all that. ‘Still a bit guilty, I think,’ he admits. Winces. ‘You?’ ‘Still a bit jealous, I think.’

so, yeah, regarding how ginny feels: of course, she feels a bit jealous. because she knows that he loved mia and cared about her. and, ginny herself slept around, sure, but love wasn't part of the equation. if you remember, she tried to date someone (early on - from october to january of '98) who she did like (but not yet love) and even told harry about, but then that blew up in her face so spectacularly that feelings never really crystallised. (sidenote: i actually think the matt incident probably had even more of an impact on her than sleeping around because this was the first person she ever put her trust in that wasn't harry (post-amycus) and he dumped her in an extraordinarily dickish way (blamed her for the press, which she couldn't control) and that is also what triggered her to be like: fuck this, they say i'm a slut, might as well be one sort of attitude --- but i digress).

it was really important for me that they both have pasts and insecurities about their respective pasts because -- well, that's part of any relationship, isn't it? like, you should never let it eat you up, but it's normal to feel a bit awkward and insecure about your partner's past at the start of the relationship. and, also about yourself. you really want this to work and not fuck it up. so, like: harry feels shitty about treating mia like shit because he didn't mean to. he feels a bit insecure about the fact that ginny's been with a lot of people before him, and doesn't want to admit it. he feels insecure about whether or not she loves him because she's dumped him once before and, well. she feels insecure because everyone thinks she's a slut and she worries he does too. she feels insecure about the fact that he used to love someone else.

but, the important part is: they talk about it. and, that's how they grow and act adult, and that is what matters. the insecurities are obviously there, but they chat and reassure each other and that's what grown-ups do. it even comes up during the sex in 16 and i love how they deal with it:

‘Merlin, that was -’ she laughs. He laughs, too. ‘Much better than last summer,’ she adds. He’s got this stupid, self-satisfied, Cheshire cat smile across his face when she finally turns to look at him, so large it’s probably rather obscene, and a stupid (stupidstupid) thought suddenly hits his brain: I’ve had time to practice. He doesn’t say it, but she must bloody read it in his eyes because suddenly, a flash of recognition washes over and he wants to say something - anything - to take back that cringey, gauche thing he hasn’t even fucking said, and he wants to disappear deep - far - into the ground. He thinks back to their conversation at the restaurant, and: ‘Still a bit jealous, I think,’ - it makes his skin crawl. Now, though, Ginny laughs. At him, mostly. ‘Harry,’ she says. ‘Harry, look at me.’ Reluctantly, he does. ‘It’s fine,’ she whispers. ‘Just kiss me.’

there's acceptance there, and love, and trust, and that's what matters.

to anwer your other question: Are ginny and harry sorry that they kissed when harry was in a relationship with mia?

honestly, no, i don't think so, though. i think the kiss is the least of it. it's not about one kiss. it's about Everything Else, really.

regarding mia herself, she might make a cameo at a later date. not saying more. but i don't think she'll come back regularly. she needs to be away from him. she says so herself but this isn't the kind of break up where they can stay friends. it would kill her.

lastly, regarding her father (And what about her father? Will that dickhead ever come back to his senses and treat his gem of a daughter the way she deserves?): i headcanon she goes no-contact with him. you can of course hc different things but imo, that's one toxic relationship she lets go of. she knows harry was right there, and i think she's thankful to him for showing that to her, too.

so, in sum: i think mia moves on. i think she has a great life. i also think her love story and harry are always somewhere in her mind. like everything in castles, it's complicated.

#castles #asked and answered #this turned into a massive meta about mia i'm sorry lol

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autumnrose11 · 5 months

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Feeling horribly miserable today :(

I've dragged myself through my final year of high school and it's been SO lonely for the past eight months. I haven't been very happy during my last school year, tbh. I feel like I don't fit in because I've got nothing in common with the people in my class. Seriously, I've spent my breaktimes sitting at one side reading/writing fanfiction and reading novels with absolutely no one to talk to. I'm pretty quiet and most of the time during these last few months I've simply felt invisible. Idk, I just want someone to be deep, genuine friends with who's on my wavelength but I haven't found them yet. I'm just feeling sick and tired of all of it.

They don't get me, I don't get them, so there's nothing I can deeply get into with them apart from schoolwork, and there's only so much you can discuss about how your plans for university are going. (Which is part of the reason I love tumblr because you guys have the same interests as me!!) The other girls are into dance and films that aren't really my cup of tea and having boyfriends and going on dates and stuff. Not that that's a bad thing, I know everyone has their interests, but.... The only guy I've been in love with is fictional, and regarding the boys in my year.... the less said the better, because they are crude, vulgar and unhealthily sex obsessed on another level. I don't approve of dating just for the heck of it, just because everyone else is doing it. Generally, the most widely read novels in my peer group are Colleen Hoover, Fifty Shades, etc. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* read that stuff, but... Surely there are other avenues of literature you can and should explore? In my mind sex is done out of love and affection . Body and soul. I don't get why on earth they'd warp it into something so sick and twisted. So the feelings I have are overwhelmingly isolating.

It simply feels like I don't have one single person my own age to speak to who really *gets* me without my having to explain myself. My mum is currently one of my best friends.

The only bright spot on the horizon is that I'm going off to uni in a few months, and I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to find someone soon, but I'm just scared that won't ever happen and I'll have to continue alone like this forever.

(this meltdown will clear up in a bit. Maybe I should go have some coffee. I just needed to get it all out).

#personal

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blindedbythedarkness · 11 months

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The Undeniable Dystopia is Here.

Life is bad. Like shockingly, horrifyingly bad. Growing up really felt like living through a series of unfortunate events- I was certainly repeatedly traumatized. But I never had to fight for my life every single day. That's where we are right now, and yet 95% of people can't or won't acknowledge reality. Hell really is empty and all the devils are here.

We live in a cesspit of plague. That's the state of the entirity of the Western world. I didn't want it at the start because I knew I was more "vulnerable" to its effects. Now I'd avoid it with just as much effort even if I was the healthiest person on Earth. The vaccines didn't stop the death, they just made it slower so people wouldn't notice.

All around me the effects are obvious. Everyone is ill. "The worst colds ever" and "the first year they've ever had hayfever". Quality of life is plummeting. Life expectancy is plummeting. Workers shortages. The internet full of people begging society to change course but incapable of leaving their beds to plead in person. Babies born tiny and starved, the effects on their brains untold. Kids collecting autoimmune diseases like pokemon cards. More Strep. More RSV. Kid after kid with their limbs stripped to the bone to stop the bacteria killing the rest of them. Brain damage termed just "brain fog." Friends of friends dropping dead. Strokes galore.

But you only see it if you're willing to open your eyes.

I can't study safely. I can't sit my exams without risking another hit of the virus that has already left me more disabled. It's not safe to go to the shops. It's not safe to sit in my own garden without a mask. It's not safe to go to the hospital- I know for sure because that's where I caught it last time. Every possible step forward, every possible move, every single day, involves a level of risk I couldn't comprehend 4 years ago.

I don't have PTSD, because we are not 'post'. The trauma is still growing.

At uni, I sit there in full PPE. PPE I spent more money on than I can afford, as someone who lives on less than minimum wage. I look around the room for the seat with the best ventilation, the best chance of air flow. I'm not religious, but I pray. Because I cannot afford to become even more disabled and I cannot afford to disable the person I love most. And then in filter 200 people who no longer care who they hurt with what they spread. Most avoid me- an uncomfortable reminder of the ongoing horror. One decides to sit next to me, coughing, excitedly asking me if I will be joining them for post-exam drinks. Indoors. Unmasked. We live in parallel worlds and yet they cannot even acknowledge that much.

They jet off abroad. Go to clubs. Have a sniffle but visit gran anyway. I pay attention when watching shows set in other dystopias, taking note of how to clean and suture a wound at home if needed. We cannot risk the hospital. I grow vegetables as the online prices rise and we cannot risk a trip to the store. I'm reminding my family what's at stake and begging them to protect themselves because I can't lose anyone else. And I'm praying.

Once again, just like when I was a teen, I find my comfort in misunderstood monsters and outcasts. The lonely characters that the world hates, who break down in tears when shown an ounce of kindness. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a safe space where I can finally let my guard down just for a minute. Where I can finally feel seen and see a bearable future. And when I see their visible scars, I feel them too, and I struggle against the urge to make more of my own.

There's no one coming to help me though and no safety in sight. There is just endurance. Even what remains of the mental health service is useless- why would I explain my pain to someone likely happily spreading the very virus that has created this hell? And I can't ask for support from my uni- they've made their views clear that this is my "anxiety" and I'm merely "overly cautious".

But I caught it, so not cautious enough. And it damaged my already disabled body further, so not anxious enough.

The undeniable dystopia is here and there is no end in sight.

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thesourthernpansy · 5 months

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this is.. a lot of ramble but i hope at least one person reads this and feels marginally better

sitting on tumblr on christmas eve is crazy to me because... i was in this exact place 5 years ago. sitting on tumblr on christmas eve. i was 13, i was lonely, i was confused about my gender identity, sexuality, what i wanted from life. i was dealing with newly-developed ptsd and depression, an abusive household, and all the stresses that come with being a 13 year old girl. and now !! 5 years later !! a lot has changed. i guess this is a sign for me to remember in the future and you guys too that things really do get better even if it doesn't seem that way. and it's not like i waved a magic wand when i turned 18 and everything went away ! i still have ptsd, i will never not have it. i still struggle with depression. but my living situation is so much better. i have real friends whom i care about very much and who care about me. i am going to university next year ! i have 4 offers and they are all russel group (uk ppl this will only make sense to you) (still waiting for an offer from cambridge uni i will update in january!) even tho it once seemed to me that i would never be able to achieve that. i have rediscovered religion and faith and how it can help me. and i am just so excited to enter this new year. not because the last year was so horrible that i crave any change (as previously) but because this year was great and the next year will be even better !!

i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas. and new year. i hope that you are kind and generous and grateful. and i hope that if you get one thing from this silly ramble it's that it does get better. and doesnt that just make it all worth it?

merry christmas

xxxxx jude xxxx

#jude rambles #merry christmas

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brakingpoint · 1 year

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tell us about Ellie!! she's your OC, right? (I know nothing about Braking Point sorry!!!) so tell us about her story, the way you wanted to develop her, how much you hated making her the catalyst for the compulsory third act conflict...

ELLIE.... she IS my OC and she's also my best girl in the world. i have never been attached to an oc the way i am to ellie. i'm putting this under a cut because it's going to be a ginormous rant

ellie was one of the first parts of this fic that really came to life for me - i knew as soon as i came up with the premise of "devon says something homophobic and has to fake date aiden about it" that we were going to have to involve his press person. i was initially very much inspired by some of charlotte sefton's interactions with lando during her stint at mclaren but like, turned up to 11 because devon is... a bit of a nightmare. i immediately had this image of ellie as someone very very direct & no nonsense as a stark contrast to devon's penchant for theatrics and never quite saying what he actually means. i knew that ellie has been working with devon since he started in f1 so she knows him (though, of course, he still finds ways to surprise her) and she's probably only a couple of years older than him, sort of existing as an exasperated big sister figure. working with devon was probably one of her first jobs out of uni, which is definitely a baptism of fire for your PR career.

(a really silly side note is that i used to live near elephant & castle, and therefore the london college of communication, last year, and i just immediately decided that was where ellie went to uni. her surname then came from me thinking about her on the bus while going through e&c and passing two estate agents - chase evans and gordon & co. in my head she's always been ellie gordon-evans because it scans really nicely when you say it out loud but turns out it looks a bit clumsy in print. hence why in the fic she's just ellie gordon.)

as for developing ellie, i also knew immediately that i wanted her and devon to become friends. i think ellie is quite a lonely person. she's a workaholic (she genuinely adores her job even though her client is a walking migraine), she can be abrasive and demanding in how she talks to people, and i sort of struggled from the outset to imagine her having any real friends, in or out of the paddock. i didn't set out to write her as autistic but i had my personal autistic realisation midway through the writing process and around the time i was writing chapter 13, when she comes to see devon after the breakup, i thought ah wait. person who is in control and socially competent professionally but struggles to make and maintain friendships irl and brings people gifts and does things for them because she doesn't know how else to show affection? the call is coming from inside the house. i also think this is where her interest in PR started - having spent her whole life masking she has this carefully honed awareness of saying the right things to the right people (in a professional context, anyway) so as a career path it feels like a natural extension of her own life. i don't think ellie is diagnosed, and she probably won't ever get diagnosed or even feel the need to explore that aspect of herself, but once i realised i'd written an autistic character she made a lot more sense to me.

as for making her the catalyst for the third act conflict... honestly i loved it. firstly i very much wanted to avoid falling too hard into the classic misguided attempt at feminism that often occurs in fanfiction when a competent snarky girlboss exists solely to get the two guys together. that's sort of difficult to avoid in this fic with ellie's professional role so i thought you know what, i want her to mess this up, and i want her to mess it up badly, and then i want to put the ball in devon's court to fix it.

as for how she was going to fuck up, my entire inspiration was alana beck in dear evan hansen. much like ellie, alana is a very accomplished but extraordinarily lonely person who compensates through achievement and making herself useful. when she sees an opportunity to get involved in something and be helpful she leaps in full force even though she can be... a bit much to handle as a personality. and then her desperation to contribute curdles into a full blown obsession with the cause, she does something that takes it way too far in a last gasp rescue effort, and it all blows up in everybody's face. i felt like if ellie was going to mess up there was going to be that same guiding mechanism behind it. so yeah - no regrets about her being the one to accidentally mess things up, if anything i hope it made her more human.

also as a final note. idk exactly how or when it happened but my faceclaim for ellie is maya hawke. so now you know

#repverse

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taegularities · 1 year

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Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

#love love love u 💕#i was gonna say more but it's almost 3am again jdjshdhs but i wanted to answer !!!#notes for rid 🌹#ivi <3 #it's literally like i wrote this ask #long ask

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ladychlo · 2 years

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Realizing your friends are shit, distancing yourself from them and find out you actually don't mind at all spending time by yourself is a devastating but at the same time very comforting journey

Realizing you still live in the same small shit of a city because just a few went away for uni and you also stayed because the uni near said small city is better than the ones further away is just sad lmfao

I wanted to make new friends away from here so bad but I never actually moved away (plus covid the last few years), like, I love my other friends from uni, but I wanted to experience so many different things and we don't actually live near each other so we never hang out.... My only hope is erasmus at this point lol

Also, sorry for the rambling but I wanted to get this out, but not to anyone irl yk

Hi loveee! So so so sorry for posting this so late... But I get you, like personally relate to everything you said, and its not always said but finding friends like proper friends sometimes feels like a labor, a necessary labor.. and rightfully so selfishly so, some just feel like people you know and you keep yearning for that meaningful ones... I had to distance myself from so many and spent alot of time literally friendless but yeah I think and I know along the way you will find them... And some will go again but you'll keep finding these people! Its such a lonely world unless some are meant to see you in it! I hope you can have that one day, sooner. And I hope you'll get to meet your people the ones that will make this life a lil bit lighter and tolerable, sending you lots of love xx

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chososheart · 2 years

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hiii guys. i just wanted to explain for a little why I've been gone and what I plan to do with this blog and my fics.

early this year my main reason for not writing was mainly schoolwork. i love and adore writing but unfortunately, I have an obligation that requires a LOT of time. I'm pretty sure the last work I've updated has been trainwreck, which I did over spring break when I didn't have to worry about school anymore. then May came around and things got hectic. that's when I didn't even have time to think about outlines, future wips, etc. june came and passed by in a flash, and though I had nothing else to do, I still couldn't find it in me to continue my work.

if i'm being honest, i started this blog and writing in general in late august of last year because of the mental state I was in. I'm a person who picks up and drops hobbies too quickly for comfort and I'm afraid that if I push myself too much, writing will eventually become one of the hobbies I leave behind. which frightens me because I love it very much.

Last year i was lonely, living in a new country, I didn't know anybody and hadn't started uni yet. i had lots of free time and above that, I had time to process and work through my feelings of longing for friends, and past lovers I left behind due to moving.

today, im not that person. i have changed in incredible ways and have found the joy in life I was looking for. eventually, my days of spending hours behind a screen became days where I worked on the friendships I had gained, and recently, my days have been consumed with me caring for and looking after my new favorite person.

i wouldn't say i have outgrown writing, but I have lost slight interest in reading fanfics, aot, and my stories in general. I'm not sure when I'll upload again, but I'm not discontinuing any of my works. ever. the plotlines I have prepared for them, in my opinion, are too good to go to waste. so if you're worried about never hearing from me again, don't. i might take months to upload, and it might not be the story you specifically want, but ill do it. i won't leave. I'm never leaving.

i think that's it for now. i'll see you guys eventually :))

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queerticulate · 2 years

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Stranger Things really makes me reflect on my own youth a lot. And with the last season also especially my journey with homosexuality. It’s an interesting one and I am just gonna go blurt this out on here okay?

I lived in a smallish town in Western Europe and went to secondary education (a combo of middle and high school basically) in the late 00s / early 10s. Times were a lot more homophobic than now. Like, it was collectively acknowledged queer people existed and that they shouldnt be hatecrimed, but it was definitely not something kids were encouraged to imagine themselves as. In my school, no one was out as anything LGBT. Not a single person. Homosexuality and certainly transgenderism were not talked about. Kids who were suspected to be gay got bullied a lot. Teen magazines only talked about homosexuality in terms of scandals - rumors this hot dude or that one might be gay, which he who then firmly deny. My parents did always say it was okay for people to be okay, but always theoretically, not expecting me to actually be gay.

I was an alternative kid. Very gothy for most of my teenaged years. Listened to rock/metal/punk stuff. Was into theatre. At some point through those scenes I started meeting lots of alternative people. I remember knowing one guy who was openly gay. Other than that there was a lot of ‘i am into personalities, not body parts’ going on. My personal brand was ‘i am not gay, but if i ever would fall in love with a girl, i’d be okay with that’. Of course, many of these people later came out. Because I didn’t consider homosexuality as a serious option, a lot of my feelings for girls that definitely were there got twisted in awkward ways. I did the crush on your best friend as a teenager. But because I never really could identify and own up to what I was feeling, it tore the friendship apart. Me and my childhood best friend said to each other we would definitely be in love with each other. I was weirdly fixated on and competitive with a smart short-haired girl in class. When I was out with a friend and some kids on the street were pestering us, we joked we were dating and they challenged us to prove it by kissing. I hoped they would push it to the point we would, but we didn’t. I also did compulsory heterosexuality quite intensely, encouraged by my well-intended by very misguided mother. Preferentially I sought out boys with long hair who wore nailpolish and make-up. I told myself it was because they looked like the rockstars I adored. In truth it was most likely because their gender-bending image got me closer to what I actually wanted. I also preferred guys who were queer themselves.

When sex came into the picture, things got bad. I couldn’t do it. I felt so incredibly disgusted and enraged by the whole idea of it. But I was lonely and scared to be abandoned so I tried to go along with it for as much as I could... all the while beating myself up for thinking I must be so broken.

By the time my first serious relationship ended, I was in uni and the idea of maybe being gay was a little less frightening. Through my theatre club I had also befriended someone who at the time was out as a lesbian. At some point I worked up the courage to ask her if she knew where to meet wlw girls. She told me to tell her if I ever found out. I went back into the closet and started another compulsory heterosexual relationship.

At some point during the relationship I heard the word ace, and thought that was probably me. I ignored the gnawing thought that I also didn’t seem to feel romantic feelings for him. Sex continued to be a problem. So much so, that he kept pushing if I didn’t perhaps have a repressed sexual trauma. At some point he had me in a doctor’s office, trying to officially establish there was something wrong with me. Times started changing though, and there were internet communities where you could talk about gay people and there was more and more representation. Somewhere after crying my eyes out over Orange is the New Black ‘because I will never have that [what Piper and Alex had]’ I must have started figuring it out. After about two years the relationship was falling apart for lots of reasons. At this point I had met a gay dude in uni. I remember meeting up with him and really struggling hard to bite back tears as I confessed that I thought I was gay and had no idea what to do about it. Not much later I broke up with my boyfriend. Me and that gay dude became friends. And online we found this little LGBT club loosely affiliated to our uni. It took us months to work up the courage to go there. When we finally did, I can safely say that it was what finally set me on the right path. I ended up volunteering for it and learned a lot. I started to feel safe to accept my homosexual feelings, experiment with girls, and even feel proud of my identity. Still, I clung to the idea of being bi for years even then. I tried to start things with guys so many times still before I finally figured out that no guy ever felt right for me, because the problem was they were a guy. I had a lot of internalized homophobia to unlearn. It was until I spent a lot of time alone, reflecting, during the pandemic that I finally accepted that I am a lesbian. And still, to this day, I struggle with that word. I call myself gay preferably. I am in my late twenties now, and am yet to find myself my first girlfriend. But boy, do I feel overjoyed with the thought that one day I could marry a girl and call her my wife. It feels magical to realize that is a possibility. So yeah, for me, seeing media where it is established that being queer is not easy, and then having queer characters, queer-coded characters, or characters that I can project onto by thinking them ignorant or closeted, and seeing them / imaging them figuring things out... it’s really validating and healing to me.

#LGBT #coming out story #personal #it's okay to reblog though if this resonates with you #stranger things #not sure if that's an appropriate tag but adding it anyway cause it is related to that

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endorstoiii · 2 years

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My wright #1

My last two posts about meeting my online friends & about the loneliness of young adulthood, like... I often think of these stuff.

I've never been the kind to have several friends, go out a lot and stuff. I have a couple of real life friends and I absolutely love them, yes — but, you know, I met them over 10 years ago and since then I haven't had any other real friendship anymore. I've met some people here and there (from uni) but nothing like "hey, we are friends". When it comes to meeting people online, oh wow, I know a lot of them who I deeply wish I knew in real life! We have the same personal interests, opinions and stuff. And like, most of these friends are from another country. I know a girl from my city but we never met up, hah, I don't know exactly why it never happened but yeah we never did.

Anyway, it's always so easy to meet people online. I crave for a real life friendship with someone with the same musical taste as mine, that's all. Is it too much to ask? I have some similar personal interests with my rl friends, but not for music and, to me, this is very important because I love music and I love talking about it. I miss not having it with people I see and talk to personally, instead of just texting those ones with same interests one day or another (or fangirling over coments or hashtags). And also, which is probably the worst to me, is that as I don't have these friends I have no company — I feel so lonely. As I said, I love my rl friends and I love hanging out with them, but basically we just go out sometimes and we always do the same. There are so many other places I want to visit and I still want to make my inner teenager happy by going to a party that plays indie music, you know? But these friends of mine are not into this, and I bet my online friends would say yes to any hang out I suggested them (and, no, I don't mean partying the whole night and drinking til it hurts etc, I mean "hey let's go to this party and listen to cool music out loud, dance and sing at the top of our lungs - let's just be embarrassed for a while?" "hell yes!"). Really, is that too much to ask?

People I meet personally, at uni or this current course I'm taking, are never similar to me in terms of personal interests — we're just the introvert shy nerds who are all alone, so we get together cause losers stand together hah but we don't talk about the same stuff and we don't always think the same. We get well with each other, but not in deeper levels, you know? They're all nice and kind people, but I absolutely don't see myself having deep conversations to them, let alone going out to an indie party lol

The thing is: I feel lonely.

#I love my real life and online friends. I just wish I had a company #maybe a girlfriend????#lol no i dont mean that. i just want someone to hang out with. thats all #someone who listens to the same bands and be a total fangirl just like me #well... i guess thats life #personal #my wright

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rungigirun · 7 months

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Façades of Loneliness

A lot of people say that when you feel chronically lonely, it stems from something missing from your soul. Something like troublesome upbringing or being surrounded by quarreling parents all the time. I sort of agree with that, but once we establish the fact that the adult feeling of loneliness is in fact a result of not being at peace with yourself, what are the remedies for it?

Well, I’m here to tell you that I have no idea. Because I have been experiencing those feelings for a long time now, and even when surrounded by people, and I still have no idea how to cope.

Hence, this essay is not a self-help article to get rid of your winter moodiness or seasonal depression, or to fill your ever-gaping hole in your soul with useless tips to keep yourself busy. It’s just as a personal chronicle and exploration of different types and aspects of loneliness I have felt over the years.

As soon as I moved out and started living in college dorms at 18, moving to a tiny rural Pennsylvania town from the giant metropolis of Istanbul, it took a while getting used to the tiny college community of 2000 people. However, my best friend Karen and I were inseparable, so even though the town was tiny and there wasn’t much to do besides vomit stained frat parties in damp and keg smelling wooden paneled rooms, I did not feel lonely.

The following year, I moved to the UK, and for 2 years straight I was in a long haul of partying at least 3 nights a week. That plus the hangover and classes prevented me from feeling any loneliness. However, with the last year of uni dawning upon us, of which in the UK makes up the most of your graduation grade, we cut down on partying and were studying in solitude more often. That was the first time I started having very bothering feelings of loneliness, even though I was living in a house with 6 other friends. Hours and hours in the room alone studying, and even after I left the room to go to the living room or kitchen downstairs to socialize with my flatmates with whom I had been sharing accommodation the past 3 years with, I did not feel socialized enough. Like, the social interactions I started having with them did not feel so satisfying as they once did.

I started finding them kind of boring and bland for some reason I don’t even know, but anything they did was annoying me- them watching Friends reruns on cable TV, which I did not find funny at all, their everyday conversations about classes or other people. The loneliness I felt surrounded by them really started getting to me.

Then I moved to London, started living with a different set of people, but still, even though I got along better with them I still had that gaping feeling of loneliness with me that I couldn’t shake off no matter what I did.

I was going to classes for my masters degree twice a week, and going out with my friends on the weekend, which was very much the norm for the majority of people, but somehow it wasn’t enough with me.

I missed the closeness I had with my college freshman roomie Karen with whom we did pretty much everything together 24/7, which kept me from feeling lonely. Again, I guess wanting to be with someone 24/7 signals that I am needy and I need to face my inner issues etc, but despite relentless therapy sessions and self-help I’ve read, to this day I have no clue about how to achieve that internally.

I used to think that living abroad in a foreign country caused a lot of my lonely feelings, but having been stuck back in my home country for the past 3 years showed me that it really isn’t. Yes, things are more familiar — however the friend circle I once had is gone.

I guess that is what being from a country in economic turmoil PLUS being a single woman in your 30s does to you — all your friends have emigrated and you’ve settled back at just exactly the wrong time. The wrong time meaning, the friends left in your country are the ones that cannot emigrate easily, the ones who are already married with kids. Which, again, means that you don’t even see them that often so, guess what, you are alone again.

I would have liked to say I am alone not lonely, but unfortunately, that is not the case.

Being back in my home country the past three years and watching close friends emigrate one by one, for a moment makes me think that I was happier and less lonely when I was abroad. Well, that is both right and wrong. I was lonely abroad as well, but at least I was meeting new people and going on dates, which is not even the case here.

Now, a lot of people would tell you to pick up a new hobby, join a new social circle, etc., which make me squirm. I actually squirm and feel so deeply cringe about forcing new social connections in places that I wouldn’t even wholeheartedly want to be in. Like I would dread joining the Rotary or Lions club or taking up sailing just to make new friends, because those things mean nothing to me.

On the other hand, it is painfully hard to meet new people that you actually have the same mindset with and share similar interests with, and rather than forcing it you’d be alone, so we are back to square one of loneliness: you are by yourself again.

Another thing that often happens to me is that during this cycle of loneliness, you get so used to it that often it doesn’t even cross your mind to do something about it. Maybe small things like going on a walk or going for a coffee by yourself would help, but in my mind it all goes back to: ‘what is the point?’.

What also happened quite often especially when I lived abroad was to keep entertaining and seeing people that were using me. When I used to live in Barcelona, a lot of people I know from before used to hit me up saying they wanted to come over and stay with me for a couple of days. I used to cheerily accept them, hosting them in my house and spending money to be with them for a couple of days. The problem is, the majority of these people wouldn’t even call me if I were back in Turkey or just to regularly check up on me to see how things were.

After a while, I understood bitterly that people were using me. However, there was a paradox. Since living abroad meant you naturally had less friends than what you collected in your hometown (which has now eradicated but once was the case anyway), I would still entertain these people and host them for a couple of days just to not feel lonely. It only materialized in my mind a couple of years later that they were, in fact using me for their free holiday means, so I decided to start saying no.

Except there was a problem: saying no meant even less people around me, which in turn increased my loneliness. However, with where things currently stand, I think I’d rather be lonely than entertain that kind of people.

So here we are, with a multitude of façades of loneliness throughout my life at different stages, and each time maybe even making decisions that are making me inherently more lonely in the end. Which leaves me with no option but to keep waiting for people who share my mindset to naturally appear in my life and make me feel more loved. Don’t know if or when that will ever happen, but I seem to think and think about it in circles and I cannot find any other way to relieve myself of these emotions.

#me #loneliness #lonely #alone #alone with my thoughts

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skzhocomments · 8 months

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I can read your smile - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 13 - Strawberry buttons

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 12 | Chapter 14

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Chapter 13 - Strawberry buttons

word count: 2.9k words

~third person POV~

"So, we're all going to the party on Saturday, right?" Jude spoke excitedly and looked insistently at Lydia and Crystal. It was the second day of Uni, and their small group was eating lunch together in the cafeteria.

Crystal lazily took an apple out of her bag and began eating it, not wanting to respond.

"That damn apple again." Lydia rolled her eyes. "I swear to God, if you don't start eating real meals I'm gonna-"

Just as she started speaking, she got interrupted by a bear hug from behind, which startled her.

"Hey." Jinki kissed her cheek, and she became a blushing mess.

They've been dating ever since Taemin's birthday, and even if it was hard for Lydia to get over her past and overcome her trauma regarding men, she gave him a chance, and she's been very happy since.

"Hi." She smiled. "What's up?"

"We figured we'll eat with you." Jinki sat down next to Lydia, and Taemin followed soon after, and sat down in front of Crystal, next to Jude. Key also sat down next to Jude, on her other side. They've been dating since Taemin's birthday as well, albeit not so openly.

Then, a tray with food appeared out of nowhere in front of Crystal, and Minho stood down next to her with his own tray.

"Eat." He instructed her, and she looked at him dumbfounded.

"Thank you, Minho." Lydia smiled satisfied. "We've been trying to force food down her throat for years, and she wouldn't listen."

"Yea, she only listens to you apparently." Jude chuckled.

"Oh, shut up." Crystal rolled her eyes.

"So, why were you so excited?" Key smiled, asking his girlfriend.

"The party on Saturday. I was just asking the girls if we're all going."

"Oh, I really want to go too!" Taemin smiled.

"Jude, we have plans on Saturday though." Key frowned, and then Jude finally remembered and face-palmed herself.

"Oh, that's right! Nevermind, then!" She smiled and watched Key, who was smiling happily.

"I hate parties, so I'm not going." Lydia shrugged.

"Crystal, Jinki, Minho, are you coming with me?" Taemin asked, hopeful.

"I have football practice for our next game both Saturday evening and Sunday morning..." Minho shook his head.

"I have plans with Lydia." Jinki hugged her side, and she raised a brow and mouthed a 'We do?' to which Jinki simply smirked.

"Crystal, you're my last hope." Taemin pleaded.

"I don't know, I've never been to one of these parties before." She shrugged. Parties weren't exactly her cup of tea. She had low alcohol tolerance, not many friends, and she'd rather watch a movie or something instead of going out to dance with strangers.

"So why not come with me? Maybe you'll find yourself a boyfriend or something-" Taemin started, when Jude elbowed his side.

"I'm not really a hook-up kind of girl anymore." Crystal shrugged.

"Anymore?" Key asked, amused.

"Don't tell me you used to sleep around, because I will never ever believe you." Jude gasped.

"This is not the type of conversation to have at lunch, in Uni." Crystal waved her hand around, trying to dismiss this talk.

After she got kicked out of the orphanage, she used to seek any kind of love or validation from others that she could get, and more often than not, that validation would come in the form of sex, so she would offer her body to almost anyone who wanted it. Sex was the only thing that made her feel a little bit less lonely, it was the only time people gave her any attention, and she was thriving on it, until she realised it was self-destructive. Ever since then, she decided she will no longer sleep with just anyone, or offer her body away just for a few minutes of fake love. She wanted to have a deeper connection with someone before having sex with them, so she hasn't had sex in... years.

"True." Lydia nodded, in her 'Just drop it' way, so they all went back to the main topic of discussion: the party on Saturday.

"Anyway, you have to come with me. Pleeaseee?" Taemin asked again, and Crystal sighed.

"Okay. Why not? Should be fun." She finally gave in with a chuckle, after Taemin did his cute little pout. How could she not?

The weekend came by quick enough, and Taemin was hanging out at Minho's place, waiting for Crystal to be ready.

She decided to wear the dress Minho gifted her, with the cute strawberry buttons, and she didn't exaggerate with the make-up. Just a bit of red on her cheeks and lips, and she was ready to go and dance the night away with Taemin and whoever other of his friends decided to come to the party.

"Some ground rules for your first party from your senior." Minho started up before Crystal and Taemin headed out. "Be careful. Don't get drunk. Don't accept drinks from anyone except Taemin. Not even from whatever 'bar' they've improvised. Unless you see the bottle being unsealed right in front of you, you don't take it. You pour everything yourself. Don't exaggerate on drinks. No drugs. What else?" He stopped for a moment and started rubbing his chin, thinking of more tips they needed to know.

"Come on, Minho, we are not kids. We'll be fine." Taemin brushed him off, to which Minho frowned.

"No. I want you two to be safe, and I expect you to watch over Crystal tonight, okay?"

"If you're so worried you should just come yourself." Taemin protested.

"You know I can't. I have practice tomorrow morning at 7:30."

"Minho, thank you for your concern, but we'll be okay." Crystal tried to assure him. "Taemin and I will stick together."

"You better."

2 hours into the party, Crystal was standing with her back against the living room wall, watching amused how Taemin was starting to get drunk during some random drinking game one of his friends forced him to take part in.

He would stumble sometimes, or say something stupid, which made her laugh to no end. She even filmed some of it, so she can have a memory of this moment forever and show Jude and Lydia in Uni on Monday.

"Hey there." A good-looking, tall and muscular guy approached her, and pressed his back against the wall as well. "Are you a first year? I've never seen you before."

"No." Crystal chuckled. "3rd year. What about you?"

"Woah, a bit older than me, I see." He smiled mischievously and handed her his hand. "Name's Jun. I'm a second year."

"Jun. Noted." She chuckled and shook his hand. "I'm Crystal."

"Such a pretty name! You know, that sounds a lot like my next girlfriend's name."

"Oh, is that so?" Crystal raised an eyebrow. She found his pick-up line kinda corny, but she indulged him either way. Maybe it was good to meet other people. Maybe Taemin was right, and she would find the love of her life at this party, and she would forget all about Minho.

"I hope it is." He winked. "Hey, can I get you anything to drink? Your cup's empty." He pointed to the red cup in her hand. Some cheap-tasting beer used to be in it 20 minutes ago, but she sipped on it enough to finish it while watching Taemin do stupid shit.

She found it ironic how Minho asked Taemin to take care of her, but she was the only sober-enough one between them two. Still, Minho did have a few great points tonight, especially not accepting drinks from strangers.

"Oh, no, I'm good, thanks. Gotta not get too drunk." She chuckled.

"You do you. I'm gonna grab some beer, but do stay here. Don't run away." He raised a finger in the air as if to make sure she'll stay put and went quickly in the kitchen.

"Not gonna go anywhere, no worries." She joked back and smiled, and as soon as the guy turned around, she sighed.

Why was she still thinking about Minho?

Jun returned quickly enough and continued the conversation with her eagerly.

"So, 3rd year Crystal, did you come here with your boyfriend?" He pointed to Taemin, who she's been watching closely.

"No. With my kid." She joked. "He needs an adult to take care of him."

Taemin was now held upside down by two guys she couldn't recognise, and was drinking beer that way, which proved her point further.

"I see. I was worried for a second that you're taken."

"What if I were?" She laughed.

"I'd be very disappointed." He placed a hand on his heart and mimicked heartache. "So, he's just a friend from your class who brought you to the party and abandoned you."

"Looks like it."

"I'm the same. My friend also brought me here, and now she's hooking up with that girl in the corner." He pointed to the sofa in the corner of the room, where one of Crystal's classmates that she thought was called Yura was hungrily kissing some other girl she didn't know.

"At least they're having fun."

"Indeed." Jun raised his can before taking a first sip. "This beer's shit. Now I see why you didn't want any."

"I think your friend is in my class. Is her name Yura?" Crystal tried to keep the conversation flowing, even though she was finding it difficult to actually be interested in the guy.

"Yes! So, you're a business major. I see, smart one!"

"What are you studying?"

"That's less important." He waved his hand around. "What's more important, though, is that you're looking at the next football captain, once the current one retires." He hit his chest with his fist two times and boasted proudly.

Once the current one retires.

Right, it's Minho's last year.

Crystal smiled bitterly.

"Are you in the team?"

"Not yet, but I'll be after next week! I just have to pass their tests, should be easy enough!"

"Oh, good luck! I hope you'll get in!" She smiled, but her mind was elsewhere.

"So, would it be bad if I leaned in and kiss you?" He asked, and leaned in, but Crystal moved away, shocked by the guy's boldness.

She was at a frat party of sorts, yes, but still. So randomly?

"Sorry, that took me by surprise." She chuckled nervously, then saw Taemin approach them with a curious look.

"I see you've made a friend while I was gone." He laughed and stumbled on his feet, and looked drunk.

"Taemin, you should definitely stop drinking." Crystal scolded him.

"And miss out on the fun?! No way, bro!"

Jun's friend, Yura, also approached the trio. Crystal never spoke to her, but they both recognised each other.

"Jun! I didn't know you knew Taemin and Crystal!" She spoke happily and greeted them. Even though Crystal never spoke to her before, she seemed friendly. Taemin just nodded absent-mindedly.

"I just met them both. I'm kinda interested in one of them, though." Jun spoke and looked at Crystal, who just smiled politely in return.

He seemed nice enough. Maybe they'd trade numbers and see they get along and she would really get over Minho this time.

God, why am I thinking about him again?

"I'm gonna head back to my place with my date. The girl's been waiting for me for some time. Do y'all want something to drink before I go?"

"You bet I do!" Jun exclaimed, Taemin nodded as well and told her he wants some wine, and Crystal, noting that Yura was a classmate and that Taemin also accepted a drink from her, decided to accept as well.

She came back with three drinks and handed it to them, then left the party with her date.

Kai arrived at the party, definitely invited by Taemin, and after he said hi to Crystal, he stole Taemin away, leaving her alone with Jun once again.

She sipped on the drink, some kind of alcohol with punch which tasted awful, and after two gulps, she felt like she had enough for the night.

Jun kept talking about something, but Crystal found it hard to focus.

Am I already drunk? But I only had one beer and a few sips of this drink.

She couldn't understand what was happening, and Jun's words started to mix up in her head. Her vision was getting blurry, and all the lights coming from the big disco ball in the middle of the room were tiring and were making her more confused, giving her a big headache.

Jun grabbed her hand and started dragging her away from the living room, up the stairs. Although reluctant, Crystal didn't question it at first, because nothing made sense anymore, but she was starting to panic when her legs stopped cooperating, and she fell on the stairs, scraping her knees. Instead of comforting her, or acting like a decent person, Jun grabbed her arm tightly again and forced her to stand up, muttering up some curse words and telling her to hurry the fuck up.

At this point, Crystal started to cry, but Jun didn't seem to show any compassion. He opened one of the rooms upstairs and shoved her inside, throwing her on the bed and jumping on top of her.

She protested and squirmed under him, but he was just too strong, and she couldn't move away.

"Stop it already!" He shouted, and she cried harder. "It's just going to be more difficult for you if you keep this up."

"Please let go!" She tried speaking through her tears, but he didn't care.

He pressed his mouth against her neck and sucked on it, continuing to move his mouth down her body, and she felt disgusting.

Channelling her whole force, she reached the lamp on the nightstand with her right hand and managed to grab it and smack Jun's head with it, taking him by surprise. She shoved him away from her and tried to run away, but he came to his senses too quickly.

"No!" Crystal screamed when Jun grabbed a handful of her hair with one hand, and the hem of her dress with the other, and pulled her back towards him, some of the strawberry buttons flying on the floor.

"Fucking bitch." He muttered, blood running down his face from the cut in his forehead Crystal caused with the lamp and forced her to look at him, before slapping her left cheek as hard as he could.

Crystal fell down from the impact, and he made her lay down on her stomach on the bed, pressing his body against her. He pushed her head against the pillows, his hand moving up her legs and raising the dress enough to expose her ass.

"Let me go!" She tried again, but her screams were muffled between the pillows, and it was so hard to move when her body was intoxicated like this.

She must've been drugged. That was the only logical explanation for how she was feeling.

"Look at you, wearing a thong like a whore." He spoke, looking at the thin panties. He grabbed the hem of them and started dragging them down her legs, exposing her core. He hit her ass hard and grabbed it, and squeezed it, all the while she was pleading with him to let her go and tried to wiggle out of his grasp, with no success.

Then, he started unzipping his pants, continuing to throw more derogatory insults her way, along the lines of 'slut', 'whore', or 'stupid, worthless cunt', telling her how much she wants it since she wore this short dress and thongs, and how she flirted with him the whole night, leading him on, so what was she expecting?

Crystal felt humiliated and stupid, and she wished she listened more to Minho, and didn't accept that damn drink from her classmate. She cried harder and struggled under him, but it was way too easy for him to overpower her.

"Oh, shut up already!" He shouted annoyed. "You've been teasing me the whole night! It's your fault!"

"Please, no..."

"Just wait, it will feel good. I'm sure a whore like you can take it."

After squirming against him for a while with no apparent success, she lost all hope and started thinking of the worst.

She was going to get raped, and she just had to endure it, because there was nothing else she could do. She's going to protect herself and get in the same headspace she used when her foster parents or Mrs. Lewis would hit her. Jun was not doing anything to her, he just used her body, so she would just separate her mind from her body, and she would be okay.

It will be okay.

Everything will be fine.

She told herself over and over, when the door suddenly opened, and Taemin and Kai busted in the room. Kai threw Jun away from her and hit his face two times, before Jun cursed them both and ran out of the room in a hurry, probably trying to evade all the implications of what he was caught doing.

Taemin rushed towards Crystal and helped her sit up on the bed and rearrange her clothes. She slowly pulled her panties back up, and she felt around the fabric of the dress, at her chest, but it was ruined. The buttons have been ripped off, and the dress was hanging on her body awkwardly, showing her cleavage, so Kai took his jacket off and gave it to her to cover up.

Since Taemin was still too wasted, they decided that Kai would be the one to take Crystal home, so he helped her into a taxi, then into the elevator, and knocked on the door.

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Chapter 12 | Chapter 14

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room4creation · 9 months

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Moooorning I’m so fucking jet lagged clearly … well I’m going to attempt sleep now I am actually quite tired .. sad abt things but not rlly all that fussed I think im kinda getting over stuff idk

I’d journal abt this stuff but my journal is at uni and I’m at home so I suppose you can all read me be sad abt the same thing I have for the past few months …

I’m definitely getting over it. At first I was sad because she had left me high and dry like we were rlly best friends for a little while and then I think it was this one Friday night where she completely ditched me for a boy and also her new friend that I was like yeah ok this is the beginning of the end ,.. and then she was treating everyone around us like shit for this new friend and at first I was sad because I still wanted to be her friend and I wanted us all to be friends but now I’m sad that we even had to do this drama … like I just want things to be simple. I’m sad that everything got fucked and now we have to live with the awkwardness of it. I don’t really miss her as a friend anymore and I think we both know it’s not the same anymore. Sometimes I do… the last time I did was when we were at pres before a birthday party and it was like old times but then it quite quickly became like new times and I was like ah. I’m sad that everyone is angry and annoyed I want us all to just not give a shit anymore. I don’t want to to pretend to be close friends anymore. I want us to go back to first year and never have had her involved at all even though she was involved before me lol. But I suppose friendship groups are not stagnant and they change a lot and people come and go. I just want her to leave to be honest. I don’t want to care about her or the situation anymore. I think I want to go back to when we were in lisbon and things were great but I think maybe things never were.. if you know the lore two of my friends thought we were too much or something and I still think they were kinda wack and crazy for saying all that stuff but idk. Things have been weird before I was even friends with them. So I suppose I wish it could have just been normal from the start and good. Friendships are weird. Weird weird weird. She’s a weird person as well so that doesn’t help, I think I just want to skip to the part where it’s all good. I feel bad for her because i think she will be lonely this year… I think that’s what I maybe feel the worst about. Because her new friends are moving away for a year. I feel sad that she will be lonely this year. I feel sad that I lost a best friend. I feel sad that she was a bad friend. I feel sad that our little group is falling apart and I feel sad that it was never very stable. I feel sad that everyone is angry and upset. I feel sad that we were never enough for her and that she probably never really liked us all that much. I think I’m getting over it because I don’t miss her I miss the idea of the group… I think I’m getting over it because I do want her to have fun with her friends and I want her to pick them over us so life will be easier for all of us. I think I’m getting over it because I don’t really resent her anymore. Ugh. Life is weird. Being sad about boys is so much more fun. Lol

#hmmmmm #she’s not been a good friend to anyone for a while #maybe none of us have been good friends to her either idk #there’s a lot going on #I want her to leave us #tbh

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