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#my anxiety is so bad around it

blaseballbrainrot · 4 months

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Blaseball genuinely changed my life. It's so frustrating that something that had that effect on so many people and that we all loved so much could still end so abruptly and unceremoniously. I don’t know where I'd be creatively and emotionally without blaseball, it inspired me to create in ways I never could have imagined but that didn't stop it from just. Ending. Just like that

I dunno what this is about, posts about blaseball ending seem to come in waves so it got me thinking. I miss blaseball and what it means to all of us, I miss Parker's tweets, I miss maincord and building lore. It all went by so fast

#another thing blaseball helped me with. my anxiety #not directly but holy HECK did it help me realise just how bad it was #there were so many things i would have said or shared had anxiety let me #it was Bad! anxiety sucks and is the worst #but then right around the time blaseball ended i started antidepressants #i feel way better now but. dang i wish i felt this free before maincord closed #anyway #blaseball

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metal-mouse · 1 year

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Not the One to Worship, Not the One to Blame

pairing: Sebastian Sallow x gn!Slytherin MC (no y/n used)

themes: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: swearing, trauma, panic attacks, depression, self-isolating

summary: 1.4k word vomit. The battle against Ranrok is over. You are in your sixth year, and now have to deal with the aftermath that is emotion and nightmarish memories. Despite having kept Sebastian Sallow's secret, you have no interest in his friendship. However, he certainly makes a good scapegoat for all of your pain.

note: This is the first piece of writing I have posted publicly in over 10 years. It is going to be rough, as I am very out of practice. I never expected to write anything to post ever again, but I've had such a massive streak of inspiration I figured I'd put myself out there. Be gentle with me because I'm a big baby but be honest - I'm getting better at receiving feedback. I also don’t edit anything ever, so there’s probably plenty of bad grammar/confusing sentence structure/spelling errors.

You stood alone at the top of the astronomy tower alone, hugging yourself tightly against the chilled air as you watched the sun set. The silence was welcome compared to the chaos of the Great Hall over supper. With hundreds of students meeting together at the same time, the sound of countless conversations overwhelmed you far too easily. You had eaten quickly and excused yourself from the company of Ominis, ignoring the concerned look on his face. You knew he worried, but he also knew enough to respect when you needed your space. It was one of your favourite things about him.

The world around you was washed in a gentle golden glow that you desperately wanted to enjoy. The colours of the sky were beautiful, but no emotions stirred inside of you. You remained numb and empty. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d smiled. You wished you could feel something other than this awful cycle of misery, anger, fear, and hollowness. You wished that people would leave the past in the past. Every time a classmate brought up Ranrok’s defeat at your hands you felt like you were going to be sick. Your chest would tighten, and a clammy feeling would cling to the back of your neck as the rest of your body felt smothered by flames and smoke. You had been furious with Professor Black for being the one to share your involvement in the battle and causing this endless stream of praise and questions. All you wanted was to forget.

Even worse than thinking about Ranrok was seeing Sebastian in the halls, in your classes, in your common room. You may have spared him from expulsion and imprisonment, but you still hadn’t found it in yourself to forgive him. Perhaps the blame you placed on him was unfair, perhaps he was an easy scapegoat for your pain. He had, afterall, caused a great amount of that pain. Yet, you weren’t any better than he was. Every night you dreamed of flashes of green and how the light left Victor Rookwood’s blue eyes… Dozens of men and countless goblins lay dead at your hand, and people actually celebrated you for this. In the beginning, you had been intrigued by the power you held. You had been eager to learn it and grow it. You had liked having a unique power that put you above others. Now, you wanted nothing more than to turn back time. You wished you’d never found out about this magic. You wished that none of this had ever happened.

You were deep enough in your spiraling thoughts that you hadn’t noticed your unwelcome company until a warm cloak was placed over your shoulders. You flinched, immediately in attack mode as you looked at your intruder. Sebastian Sallow didn’t look at you. Instead, he put his hands on the railing and leaned out to see the world below.

“I’ll go away if you want me to.” He said, breaking the tense silence. You watched him apprehensively, without saying a word. Sebastian took that as permission to remain in your presence.

“What do you want?” You asked.

“I may not be your favourite person right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. You’re not alright.” Sebastian looked over at you. You scowled at the way he jumped straight to the point. The empty feeling inside of you was slowly replaced with anger. Not alright? What fucking gave it away? Why the hell was Sebastian the first person to bring it up besides Ominis - who had been there when you started to truly fall apart?

“I’m fine.” You said.

“I haven’t seen you smile since the year started - it’s now February. Not at Ominis. Not when you’re brushing Puffskeins with Poppy. You don’t even smile when Weasley makes his stupid jokes.” Sebastian stood and took a step towards you. It felt like his eyes were burning into your face. All you wanted was for him to look at anything but you. How dare he talk to you about this. Talk to you about your happiness - which he fucking stole from you. Why was he even paying attention in the first place? You adjusted his cloak around you, hating how warm it was and how it smelled like Sebastian.

“If I haven’t smiled, it’s your fault.” A low blow. Sebastian’s nostrils flared and hurt filled his eyes, but he tilted his head as if to encourage you to carry on. You didn’t.

“The last time I checked, you were the one acting so miserable. It’s you who doesn’t bother to even try anymore.”

“I don’t have to try anymore. I’m a hero, Sebastian, everyone will love me all the same. Who cares if I’m miserable?” you spat out, “Can’t you see it? I don’t get to have emotions! Only people have feelings. I’m merely a tool to be used - a weapon if you will - whenever someone needs to use me. It makes it so much easier for everyone to forget what happens under the surface of battle. To forget the atrocities I’ve committed. The horrors I’ve seen. You wouldn’t understand it.” Sebastian’s eyes were wide as he stared at you.

“Is that truly what you think? That I don’t understand? You’re not the only one who went through hell last year. I was right there the entire time. I helped you fight trolls, goblins, spiders, poachers, must I go on?

I saw the look on your face when you came back from killing Victor Rookwood, and I knew before anyone else did what had happened. Want to know how? Because I know how it feels to fucking take someone’s life.” Sebastian bellowed, making you take a step backwards. You glanced towards the stairwell, hoping nobody was nearby to eavesdrop.

He had been there. Sebastian had known from the beginning what you were going through, and he had helped - even if it put his life in danger. His true motives may have ultimately lain elsewhere, but you knew he didn’t want to see any more people harmed at Ranrok’s hands. Guilt pushed its way through your unjustified anger. He was certainly making it difficult to blame him for more than what he deserved.

“Just leave me alone, Sebastian.” You whispered. He shook his head, his lips pressed in a firm line. His brown eyes were unusually glassy, almost as if he was trying to hold back tears.

“Whether you like it or not, I understand.” He was still shaking his head, stray tears indeed spilling from his eyes. Sebastian’s lips fell into a frown and quivered a little. It was an ugly face, he was not a pretty crier. Something in this insignificant flaw of his made you pause. Seeing him feel so strongly about how you felt… To show these emotions to you, this clearly meant a lot to him. You meant a lot to him. You approached him carefully, reaching up tentatively and wiped away an errant tear.

“I know, Sebastian. I… I don’t blame you for this. None of it.” You looked down at your feet, your hand still on his cheek.

“And I think you’re far more than a weapon. You don’t have to be the hero with me, you can be just you. I just want to see you smile.” Sebastian very carefully took your hand in his. You looked back up to his face, and you knew he meant it.

“Can we try again?” You asked. He exhaled deeply, you could see the thoughts racing in his mind.

“I think something could be arranged.” Ominis Gaunt’s voice made both of you jump. He stood at the top of the stairs, fidgeting with his wand. Sebastian’s hand squeezed yours tightly. Ominis walked towards where you stood, his cheeks flushed and an uncertain look on his face. Ominis held out his hand for Sebastian, who dropped yours instantly and grasped it. They shook hands firmly, and then Sebastian pulled Ominis in for a hug.

“Boundaries! Sebastian! I will be placing firm boundaries!” Ominis protested, but his arms wrapped around his friend all the same. You let out a weak laugh that was more of a huff full of emotion. You didn’t know fully what this meant, or how anything would play out, but you knew that this would be easier with Sebastian and Ominis on your team. On each other’s team. Life was either going to get better from here, or worse, but you supposed it could be bearable if you lived it with people you cared about. You felt awful for targeting Sebastian like that. He hadn’t deserved all your hatred. Some anger and resentment, sure, but not all of it. As Ominis complained about the cold and coaxed you both back inside, you silently resolved to make it up to Sebastian. You could support him, just as he supported you.

#sebastian sallow x reader #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow angst #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy one shot #ominis is mentioned too btw #posting this now so i dont panic and delete everything #this is my first public post since 2013 #isnt that crazy?#i'm not letting myself say bad things about this #I know it's wobbly and rough around the edges - i'm out of practice - its fine #not edited btw #nobody even look at me for at least an hour or I'm going to combust into anxiety thank u #reni writes

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tswwwit · 2 years

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Bill being forced to say the truth is such a fun concept though. I imagine Ford's the most likely candidate to hit Bill with a truth spell. Now he can expose Bill's nature once and for all! And find out what secret evil plans the demon has involving his nephew. 😠

Only it completely backfires because Bill acts the exact same as he usually does? After all, Bill usually doesn't have a reason to lie to the Pines family. Will he omit the truth? Totally! But rarely does he outright lie.

(But anyway, the plan backfires and Stan and Mabel are not convinced. "Yeah Bill's a jerk but he's not actually harmful", they say, with no knowledge of the countless atrocities he's committed.)

So Bill continues to act like his usual asshole self, completely unaware that he's under the influence of a truth spell. Until he sees his husband do something smart/cute/whatever. Before Bill even realizes, he's saying the sappiest, most gooey sedimental shit any demon has ever heard. Like "You're perfect, I love you so much". Completely unfiltered thoughts. The stuff he even lies to himself about. "You make me so happy. I'm so glad I met you".

The best part is that the situation is even worse (for Bill) the angrier he gets. "I hate you" comes out as "I love you". "You're the worst thing that ever happened to me" comes out as "The best thing". At one point, he accidentally says you're lucky I love you when he meant to be threatening. Everything is terrible. Dippers trying to figure out a cure and Bill can't help because he's to busy throwing up his organs. All the sedimental bullshit is making him sick.

#This much sincerity is terrible for a demon like Bill #It's like he's got a terrible cold as well as throwing up all the time as his organs rebel against the honesty #Bonus: Ford DID learn Bill's horrible plan for his nephew. Eventually #Except what Bill ended up saying was something like #'I'm going to keep him until the stars burn out of the sky and this entire galaxy crumbles into dust AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME'#He hissed it out while hugging Dipper to his chest so tight that he almost squashed the guy #Trust Ford to focus on the 'can't stop him' part and not the rest of that statement #Dipper absolutely caught the rest of the implication though #Dipper already knew he was in love himself but hearing all of this is just. So Much.#It's so so nice. Really nice! But also waaaaay overwhelming for him #Anxiety and overthinking go hand in hand. Stress from Ford being around and trying to fix Bill exacerbate it #He knows it's honest but it leaves him confused #What the hell did Dipper do to cause this? (deserve this)#Is there way to fix Bill?? (is he ever gonna change his mind)#He's happy and he's worried. Again he's overthinking #He's flustered and he fumbles and wow he *really* should cure this before they both die of embarrassment somehow #I bet these two assholes still find a way to miscommunicate during a bout of magically-induced honesty #But THIS time it's all on Dipper #SMH my guy he's your husband and he loves you #Too bad overthinking gets in the way of enjoyment.#Also Bill puking a lot. That puts a huge impediment in the way when Dipper can't find an outlet for his feelings #His FIRST impulse was to kiss Bill senseless but since he couldn't do that his brain got stuck in a loop of unexpressed emotion #What a shame; he probably wants to do it so very very much #answers #Once Bill is cured he's grumpy. Turns out he loves Dipper even *more* because his human doesn't want him to suffer just to hear ily #How Dare He love Bill back so purely. He's never going to escape for that sentiment

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brittlebutch · 7 months

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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with