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heyyyharry · 5 years

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My Girl Series: Chapter 12 - I Love You

…in which Y/N wants to face her past, but Harry wants to leave his behind.

Series description: Y/N falls in love with the older boy next door who doesn’t feel the same, years later they meet again at a funeral.

AU: actor!harry, older!harry, younger!y/n; (4-year age gap)

Chapter 11: Paper Love - Y/N tries to compromise, and Harry tries to change.

warning: smut at the end.

OC version

Anyone who knew Y/N well enough would know that she never got on well with her father, and she deeply loathed his new fiancée Marcy. But no one, not even Celine, had an idea how much Y/N used to adore that woman.

It wasn't a coincidence that Marcy started seeing Bradford not so long after Tam's death. Before that, she used to be an employee at his hardware store in Holmes Chapel. She was clever, pretty, and funny — everything a man could ever dream of. And for an impressionable little girl like Y/N, Marcy was the kind of woman she wanted to become. She used to give Y/N useful advice on boy issues, on how to deal with mean girls in school, and she also had a great taste in literature and music. How could anyone not love Marcy?

How could anyone not love Marcy?

The more Y/N thought about it, the sadder it got. People like Marcy could have anything they wanted, even a married man; and those like her mother had no choice but to accept defeat and swallow the pain.

Y/N felt very disgusted by her father’s wrongful affair, but most importantly, she felt like she'd betrayed her mother for even liking the person who'd torn their family apart. Her friendship with Marcy made her feel terribly guilty towards her mum, to the point where she ended up lying to Harry that she'd never met that woman before their dinner with her dad.

However, ever since Harry came back, those two had gradually become the least of her concerns. As a matter of fact, she didn't even hate Marcy as much as before. She knew she couldn't stop their wedding from happening, thus the only thing she'd asked from her father’s future wife was to leave her alone and stay out of her life. But Marcy didn't seem to get that. She went all the way against Y/N's request by showing up at her door three nights before the wedding.

"I'm visiting a friend in the city so I thought I should pay you a visit," Marcy said to the confused girl who was glued to the spot. "I'm actually going shopping. Wanna come with me? We can get you a cute dress for my wedding."

"Why did you think it was a good idea to show up here?" Y/N said, lifting an eyebrow. "Sorry, I'm very busy. I can't go with you."

"Wait!"

"What now?"

"I'm very happy that you accepted the invitation. I know this is hard for you but...please don't be like this," Marcy begged as she reached for Y/N's hand, causing the girl to freeze in an instant. "Please give me a chance to get to know you again...I—I'm not asking much just let me buy you a dress to the wedding."

At that moment, Y/N could envision her slamming the door and turning a deaf ear to everything Marcy had just said to carry on with her half-finished work in progress. In reality, however, she was actually considering the offer.

She'd told herself to stop running away from the past and focus on the future, because this grudge she held against her father and his fiancée had only been doing her damage. In the end, it was her own worries that ended up breaking her heart. Maybe she could never like Marcy the same way she used to, but she could give her a chance to fix her wrongdoings. A little effort to make peace was still better than nothing at all.

"Alright," Y/N said at last, making Marcy squeal in joy. "Wait here, I'll go get my coat."

As Jeff was briefing Harry about his shooting schedule for June, the actor let all the words fly from one ear to the other while his eyes stayed fixed on the phone, allowing his hairdresser to do whatever she wanted. He had put all the trust in her to make him look the best for tonight as he knew she had never disappointed him or his fans.

Yes, a red-carpet event sounded immensely fun and exciting, but truthfully, Harry hated these occasions and would only go when he must. If it hadn't been for Niall, who'd written most of the songs on the movie soundtrack and would be there as well, he wouldn't have agreed to attend that premiere.

Ping!

A text popped up on the screen, now distracting Harry even more from what Jeff was rambling on about.

⌲ Bambi: Just ran into Mrs. Huang. She complained about us being too loud again.

Trying hard not to laugh at the message, the man bit his bottom lip and quickly typed down a response:

⌲ Always fucked you good, didn't I? Pretty proud of myself. ;)

⌲ Bambi: Harry!

⌲ Well, you started it.

⌲ Now I cannot stop thinking about last night...

⌲ Bambi: Why are you always horny at the worst time?

⌲ Are you in class?

⌲ Bambi: Nope, dress shopping with THE bride.

⌲ Who?

⌲ Bambi: Marcy.

⌲ Lol really?

⌲ Bambi: Really.

"Done," said the hairdresser as she patted Harry on the back. "Let's get you dressed."

⌲ Gotta go. Tell me all about it tonight?

⌲ Bambi: Okay.

⌲ Bambi: CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOUR RED CARPET PHOTOS!!!

Harry giggled at the text for he could hear her shouting with enthusiasm in his head. Jeff called him louder for the second time, causing the actor to look up and finally notice all the questioning stares his whole crew was giving him.

"Why are you still sitting there?! Hurry up!"

"Sorry, sorry, coming!" He shouted cheerfully, wasting no time to fly right out of his chair and following Jeff out of the room.

Y/N sucked in a deep breath as she stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror, slightly tugging on the flared skirt of her pastel pink gown. It now occurred to the girl that she hadn't gone shopping in a while. Lately, her life had been all about student debts, writer's block, and family drama. She seemed to forget how to really take care of herself.

Tilting her head to the side, she happily thought, maybe with some nice clothes and red lipstick on, she could be just as beautiful as the models Harry used to date.

"I think this looks cute on you."

"But it's pastel pink," said Y/N as she turned around to face Marcy. "I hate this color."

"You used to love it."

"Not anymore."

Little Y/N would grab all the pink items in the store and try on every single piece just because she was obsessed with the hue. But she was a different person back then — a bubbly young girl who saw pink in everything in her life. She'd read somewhere that the pink color stood for unconditional love and understanding, both of which she'd completely lost faith in as she grew up. Now without the kaleidoscope for an eye, her life was always either black or blue.

"Do you have this same dress in a darker color?" Marcy asked an employee in the store, but Y/N stopped that lady right before she could walk away.

"Can we take a break?" she turned to her future step mum. "I've been trying on dresses for half an hour already."

"Oh, alright." Marcy awkwardly nodded as she watched the twenty-year-old flop down on the sofa and pull out her phone — something she always did to avoid unwanted conversations. Taking a seat beside the girl, Marcy didn't mean to be nosy, but it was hard to ignore the beam on Y/N's face in reaction to her phone repeatedly pinging with new messages. It didn't take a genius to figure out who they were all from.

"So..." Marcy trailed off, hands linked together to rest on her knees. "You're going to the wedding with Harry?"

"Yes," Y/N replied shortly without looking at her.

So she waited a couple seconds more before asking another question. "Are you two dating?"

With this one, Y/N finally peeled her eyes off the screen and turned to her dad's fiancée, an eyebrow raised in annoyance. "What?" She scoffed. "Can't friends go to a wedding together?"

"Yes, of course!" Marcy freaked out. "It's just...your dad said—"

"My dad doesn't know anything about me." Y/N shook her head. "He doesn't even know my favorite book even though I used to rant about it at dinner every night. Do you really think he knows or cares whom I'm dating?"

"What Happens In London by Julia Quinn, right? Your favorite book?"

The question for an answer caught Y/N by surprise this time. "How do you—"

"—remember?" Marcy raised a smile. "You once told me your favorite quote from the book was: 'When a man writes a romance, the woman dies. When a woman writes one, it ends all tidy and sweet.' It's become my favorite quote ever since."

"It's still my favorite," Y/N mumbled; for the first time in forever, showing a genuine smile in front of Marcy.

That seemed like a good beginning for everything to go back to the way it’d been. Y/N forgot about her hatred for this woman who began to talk about how Sir Harry Valentine in the book was everyone's dream man, and all the things she adored about Lady Olivia Bevelstoke.

"Sassy, witty, and strong. That's why she's one of the best female characters." Y/N giggled, leaving a massive grin on Marcy's face.

"If you love Lady Bevelstoke then you should really take this dress."

"What does she have to do with this dress?" The twenty-year-old squinted her eyes in confusion as she looked down at the pink gown she was wearing. Such bright color always overwhelmed her, giving her the feeling that other people might stare, when all she wanted was to blend into the crowd or be invisible. She wasn't used to getting excessive attention.

But Marcy only rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you forgot Olivia's 'Unmarried Lady Sorts of Things' list. The first thing is: 'Wear pastel colors'."

"'And be quite glad if you possess the correct complexion for such hues'," Y/N nodded her head slowly, chuckling to herself. "I remember."

"I don't make the rules, Y/N. Olivia did."

Marcy rose up, pulling a giggly Y/N back to the full-length mirror and telling the girl to stand tall, chin up.

"There you go," she encouraged, lips curved into a wide grin. "Lady Bevelstoke."

The name got the younger girl smiling from ear to ear. With one long look at her own reflection, Y/N inhaled deeply. "Okay." She nodded at last. "I'll take this one."

"Yay!" Marcy squealed, clapping her hands. "You go change and I'll pay for this dress then we'll head out to dinner!"

In that moment, watching the woman dash away to go get an employee, Y/N must admit that she was genuinely happy. She changed back to her own clothes and brought the dress to the front counter, still wearing the same smile.

But she really should've known better — that every bit of happiness in her life up to that point had been all short-lived, including that moment right then in the store.

She saw Marcy hand the employee her credit card, and her stomach clenched immediately as she noticed the shiny little rock on Marcy's slim ring finger. Y/N's smile broke, and so did her heart. She frantically clutched Marcy's left wrist, yanking it up, causing the woman to release a startled gasp as her mouth fell open.

"Is this...my...my grandmother's ring?"

Marcy withdrew her hand when Y/N's grip became uncomfortably tight as if it was meant to break her bone.

"Yes?" She answered, fear overtaking her face. "It's also my engagement ring...What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Y/N laughed wryly.

Everything.

Her dad had used that ring to propose to her mother, who had never taken it off when she was alive, not even once, not even to do house chores, not even when they threw things at the wall and he screamed at her. That was how much the ring meant to the late woman. And the fact that Marcy was wearing it around her finger today could only mean one thing — Y/N's father took it from her mother's body just to put it on the hand of his new and younger wife.

She might've been fooled twice, but she wasn't stupid. She wasn't convinced that Marcy truly had no idea what was wrong. This woman was either extremely dumb, or viciously pretentious, and Y/N knew better than anyone that Marcy was a smart person. And even though she also knew what her parents had wasn't love, it was still painful to think how fast a person could erase from his memory the one he'd vowed to treasure for the rest of his life.

"This is not your ring," Y/N said with her fists clenched tight. "This belongs to my mother."

"For god's sake! Your mother is dead, Y/N!" The harsh emphasis on that one word punched Y/N right in the guts, causing her heart to wrench, yet Marcy didn't just stop there. "What is a dead woman gonna do? Dig her way out of her grave and cut off my finger?"

That was the final straw.

"I was right about you..." Y/N scoffed, quivering lips formed a broken smirk as she shook her head slowly. "You're nothing but a homewrecker. A husband-stealing whore that—"

Marcy's hand smacked across her face, snapping it back with force and causing the girl to clutch her cheek, eyes watering. The small cut below her eye marked by the ring could be easily noticed from a distance. And Marcy was petrified now that she’d realized what she'd done.

Both of them could hear whispers from the other people in the store who didn't want to interfere with their conflict, even though it was shocking how those two had gone from laughing together to one slapping the other.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't...I didn't mean to..." Marcy reached out, attempting to touch Y/N's face. But the girl immediately took a step back to dodge those hands like a bullet.

Knowing how hot-tempered Y/N had always been, Marcy expected a slap for revenge right then and there, but all that she received was a sense of fear in those glistening eyes. Without another word, the girl ran fast out of the store, ignoring Marcy calling out to her. She ran and didn't look back.

Soon she found herself lost in a river of pedestrians, all were either in a rush or minding their own business, and would just raise their voice if someone accidentally bumped into them. Y/N swirled around those strangers as the panic rose in her chest. She didn't even think, letting her feet guide the way to end up outside Harry's house.

Trying to steady her breathing pace, Y/N flopped onto the doorstep, holding both knees to her chest and trying to ignore the stung of the slap evident on her red cheek. Though the last thing she wanted was to bother Harry while he was having fun at the after party, she couldn't stop herself from pulling out her phone and dialing his number. She felt the need to be with someone, not just anyone, him.

"I just ran into Ruby."

When Harry heard those words from Niall, his nerves were frayed. The party around him still continued, the music was still blasting at maximum volume, and all the guests in fancy clothes were still dancing and having a blast; to Harry, however, the entire world stopped as his whole body turned to stone.

He had never been claustrophobic before, but right now he began to feel suffocated for he knew she was somewhere in that same crowd. She could be in a different room, or just a few steps away from where he stood, still what mattered was the fact that she was there.

The mixture of expensive perfumes in the air along with loud laughter and rowdy conversations caused Harry a headache. He looked from left to right, frantically searching for the figure of the woman he used to love, unable to decide whether he was trying to spot her so he could hide from her, or just to see her face again.

It was annoying, wasn't it?

Harry thought he'd mastered not thinking about Ruby, now the possibility of running into her had him plagued with a sinking stomach.

"But she wasn't at the premiere," He nervously blurted, making his friend heave a sigh.

"She probably skipped it. I don't know."

"Did she...did she say something to you?"

Niall's hesitation before answering that one question got Harry sweating in his suit.

"She asked me where you were. She wanted to speak to you about something, but I told her that you didn't want to see her again."

Harry nodded slightly as he muttered a weak "thank you" before rushing towards the nearest exit. Despite Niall desperately calling out to ask where he was going, the actor only walked faster. Once again, he found himself running away from the ghost of his past, like the same old pathetic Harry a couple months ago. It was awkward, embarrassing even.

As he stumbled through the door, his brain was filled with questions that needed answers. What had gotten into him back there? Why was he so afraid of meeting Ruby again? Was it because he still hadn't moved on? Wait. No. He was sure that he had. Because the only girl that'd been on his mind lately was his Bambi, only his Bambi. Maybe he should get back to her.

His throat was dry when he swallowed hard and got into the backseat of his car. He told his driver Y/N's address, hoping that she was still awake to let him in. While chewing on his bottom lip impatiently, Harry looked out of the window, watching streetlights passing by and processing all the complicated thoughts running right through his head. He didn't want to start guessing what it was that Ruby wanted to talk about.

The loud ringtone pierced right through the silence in the car, causing Harry to flinch as he took out the device from his jacket. Once he saw Bambi on the screen, he picked up without reluctance, but the girl didn't give him a chance to speak first.

"I'm right outside your door." Her voice was rapid and fear-filled, making his heart halt for a split second as he quickly told the driver to go back to his house instead.

"I'm on my way home," he said fast into the phone. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I...I need to see you..." She sounded strained, which made him worry even more.

"I'm almost there. Can you wait five more minutes?"

"Sure" was all she said before hanging up on him.

Harry put his phone away and urged the driver to speed up, thanking God that it was late and the avenue was clear. In less than five minutes, he had arrived at his London home. He thanked the driver and rushed out of the vehicle to find Y/N sitting on his doorstep. With both knees held close to her chest, the girl only looked up when she heard his hasty footsteps on the pavement coming her way.

She'd been holding back from the moment she got there, but as soon as he showed up, it didn't take too long for her eyes to flood with tears. She didn't explain. He didn't ask. In silence, she fell into his arms and he held her tight, one hand at the back of her head while his other arm locked around her waist. She desperately needed that hug right now. But little did she know, he needed it just as much.

He kissed her temple as she clutched onto his jacket, telling her no matter what had happened, it was all fine now that he was there. It was dark outside so Harry didn't notice the welt on her cheek at first, but now that he had, he felt a physical pain surging through his bones. He took her face with tenderness. His hands were cold, but the softness of his touch made her feel warm inside.

"Did...did she hit you?" Sadness clouded his features when she shook her head to deny it, still, the look on her face screamed a loud yes.

Quickly, he unlocked the door and pulled her into his living room where he could hold her for much longer without being afraid of curious eyes on the street. Harry didn't ask any more questions, knowing she would only tell the truth once she was calm enough and ready to confide in him. Now his job was to make her feel safe. He gave her one of his t-shirts so she could change out of her clothes and asked her to wait in the bedroom for him to return with a glass of water.

She looked exactly like the night they first met. Underneath that hard shell she'd created for herself was still the same little girl who ran away from her parents' fight to a place where she felt safe. And he couldn't decide whether it was disheartening or endearing to see her this vulnerable. Maybe it was a terrible mixture of both. No matter how hard she tried to disregard the nine-year-old she once was, he knew from the sadness in her eyes that she had never really changed.

In silence, he watched her finish her water, smiling at the way his t-shirt looked too big on her. He wanted to just hold her in his arms and shower her face with sweet kisses until she fell asleep.

"I'll be right back," he said when she handed him back the empty glass. But when he turned away, her fingers were locked around his wrist, pulling him back to her.

"Don't go..." She begged. "Lie with me."

Harry was just about to say it would only take a minute, yet he didn't have the heart to deny Y/N's little request when she was giving him that face.

Nodding his head once, the man set the glass down on the nightstand then climbed onto the bed, pulling her close. Now that she was lying close to his chest, he thought she might feel his heart beat for her. They stayed in that position for a while, with him stroking her hair, and her fidgeting with the buttons of his white shirt. She loved the smell of his cologne which always put her at ease. While wearing his shirt and wrapped up in his arms, she was soaked in the scent of him, thinking she could stay like that forever and always.

"I read somewhere that when you lie too close to a person and can listen to their heart beat, your heart will slowly beat in sync with theirs," she said, which came out as a whisper and she felt his body shake with quiet laughter.

"Then your heart must be going insane right now." His joke made her eye roll, but he was staring at the ceiling so he probably had missed that precious smile she put on for him.

After another moment of silence, Y/N had regained her composure to finally tell Harry what had happened at the store, everything but the reason for the mark on her cheek, though she believed Harry had already figured it out.

She breathed steadily, sorrow dawned on her face as she broke the silence once again, "when I was little, my dad used to say 'I love you' to my mum all the time. In the morning. In the afternoon. Before bed. Every single chance he got, he said those words to her. But one day he suddenly stopped. I assumed he just forgot somehow, not knowing the last time I heard him say he loved her would actually be the last." Her voice was trembling with various emotions. "From that day he raised his voice so often, he smashed furniture and made her cry instead of making her laugh. Maybe he never actually loved her. And those 'I love you's that he used to say every day meant nothing at all. It's just so depressing to think about it...isn't it? How fast a human's heart can change. How easy they can say those words and take them back whenever they want."

Harry's chest lifted when he sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it all out.

"Maybe he did love her at one point," he said, causing the girl to purse her lips.

"Is that what love supposed to be like? Something so fleeting that happens once and can just vanish the next moment?"

Those words really made Harry think.

"You're right." He nodded. "I guess not."

Shifting a bit so he could look at her face, he lifted her chin with his fingers so they were eye to eye and lips to lips.

"Don't think about him anymore," he told her. "Focus on me."

Y/N nervously giggled. For the first time since their kiss in the rain, Harry felt her shiver like a teenage girl being touched for the first time. There was something about the way the bedroom light reflecting in her weary eyes that got him hypnotized.

"Want you to fuck me," she whimpered, hot breath fanning his mouth before their lips attached for a passionate kiss. On spur of the moment, Harry shook his head rapidly, flipping them over so he was hovering above her. His pulsing member was right between her legs where she wanted him most now.

"Let's take it slow this time." He swallowed hard, stroking away the pain on her cheek with his thumb. "If that's alright with you."

Y/N could only answer by nodding fast, and that was all Harry had waited for to kiss her again, slipping his tongue past her lips, gasping when she held his hips down to feel him grow against her thigh. Slowly, as he wished, she unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off to reveal his bare chest, running her fingertips across his tattoos as if she was learning the map to remember every single detail inked on his torso.

With a hand at the back of his neck, she pulled him down to get a taste of those lips again. She could never get over their sweetness and she enjoyed the way he groaned into her open mouth. His crotch was slightly rubbing against her clothed sex, creating some fiction to maintain the tiny bit of self-control he'd got left.

The feeling was so strange, overwhelming, yet made him feel complete. His t-shirt that she was wearing soon came off after she'd managed to get him out of his tight jeans. They made out slowly with only his boxers in the way as his fingers found their favorite spot between her thighs. He kissed her hard, wanting to devour down every single sound she made, loving all the different ways she whispered his name. He loved to know no one else had the privilege to make her feel this good. Only him.

"There you go, baby. Fuck, that's my girl," he growled into her mouth as she rode out her first orgasm, one hand gripping his wrist as the movements of his fingers was gradually slowing down. He could get off just by looking at the way her face screwed up for pleasure, knowing he was the only one who could touch her this way, kiss her this way, hold her this way. "All mine," Harry whispered, stroking her hair as he tugged down his boxers while she was recovering.

"All yours, H. Want you...fuck...want you inside..." The sounds she made was the most heavenly he'd ever heard. God, he loved every single word she said to him. The fact that they weren't in a rush turned him on even more. He was so hard for her that his eyes watered when her sweaty palm wrapped around him to stroke him slowly. It felt so good, but if she continued, this would end embarrassingly soon.

"Shit, baby...Stop..." He took her wrist and removed her hand quickly. His breathing became ragged when he rolled the condom on and kissed her again. Both of them gasped out loud the second he started to push in slowly for her to adjust to the fullness. Now they could feel everything at once.

His hand reached for hers and they interlocked as he kissed her tenderly, mumbling "you feel amazing" and "so tight for me" against her plump lips. He was completely mesmerized by the way she scrunched her nose and tossed her head back. He couldn't help it, he had to bite down on that pretty neck, causing her fingers to tangle in his messy hair. The feeling caused them both to shiver in complete pleasure and ecstasy.

His warm hands roamed all over her naked body, stroking her flushed skin with affection as he focused on every single thrust, going steady and deep, wanting her to feel all of him.

"You're so beautiful." He breathed into Y/N's mouth, making her laugh slightly as she opened her eyes to stare back at him.

"You're gorgeous," she whispered, holding onto his neck to bring his lips back on hers. He slowly massaged her my breast as they kiss, causing her back to arch as she rewarded him with another soft moan. For his every thrust, her chest rose and fell dramatically. He could feel her getting close as her drenched walls were squeezing him when they maintained eye contact. Her stare was intense, yet tender, and sweet. The noises she made when she fell apart would come back to haunt him in his most beautiful dreams. Harry pushed faster, one hand holding her face, the other holding one of her legs up so he could give it to her harder.

"Yes, baby, that's it...Fuck," he blurted through gritted teeth, feeling himself coming close but he didn't want to close his eyes in fear of missing out her reaction to how good he was making her feel. With one loud gasp, Y/N came hard around him. Harry felt so close to the edge, just a few pushes more...

But then it happened.

"Harry...I love you...."

His eyes shot open wide. In the haziness of his own pleasure, he could still hear those three words so loud and clear. It wasn't a mistake. Y/N breathed harshly through her nose as she clung onto his back when he shuddered and came hard into the condom.

I love you.

Those three words were now echoing inside his brain as both of them tried to catch their breath. Harry's expression hardened as he stared at Y/N, yet the girl only seemed confused.

"What's wrong?" She quietly giggled, stroking his cheek. "Did I say something silly when I came again?"

With that question, he knew she didn't realize it. She'd let those words slip out in the heat of the moment. She didn't even remember saying them.

"No." He pressed his lips into a nervous smile, but he guessed she couldn't see it through. "I kind of spaced out..."

Y/N stayed silent and kissed his nose. The beam on her face made him feel twice as guilty. What would he have done if those words hadn't got out by accident? Would he have said them back?

Now in the darkness of the room, with her warm body pressed against his, Harry felt so hard to breathe. The feeling was no different from having a panic attack, and he was glad that Y/N had fallen asleep and couldn't sense that something was definitely wrong. He couldn't even shut his eyes now, just lying there in silence, staring at the moonlit ceiling and thinking hard about those words she'd said, which scared him witless.

I love you.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut, pinching his forehead as he tried to get rid of the voice inside his head that sounded just like her. He tried to count sheep in the hope that it would help him drift off, when the buzzing of his phone on the nightstand struck right through his brain. Y/N was too exhausted to be bothered by the noise, still, she did shift around a little bit, so Harry quickly turned off the alert before it woke her.

But the moment he saw who was calling, the color all drained out of his face.

RUBY

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loljulie · 6 years

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flicker; {006} the tide

(okay so this is part may feel a bit slow? idk maybe it’s just me bc im overly critical of my work lol. i was going to write another scene into it but i was already hitting a large word count so count on the next part being more crazy. i went to see niall horan last niGHT and i’m still recovering tbh. i’m so happy to see more and more people become interested in this fanfic and just in general want to be apart of it more! thank you so much for all that <3)

genre: detroit: become human

deviant!connor x reader

word count: 2850

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@dragonempress123

@itstrashleydude

@chisooyaaa

@help-i-need-a-social-life

@shadows-echoes

@sygin

@mavvsmm

Whiteness surrounded you on all sides as you rested against Hank’s car. Your first order of business that day was to visit Elijah Kamski, who lived in almost the middle of nowhere. The bleak, winter forest around you was undeniably breathtaking and serene, but your eyes were trained on a snow-covered hill as your mind wandered. A few feet from you, Hank was pacing back and forth.

It had been a day since Stratford Tower, and there was no shortage of public opinion and outcry. Though it was unspoken, you had the feeling that Hank realized there was no stopping the deviants. Yet, the three of you continued on with the investigation, all unsure of what to even do next.

The car door creaked next to you, pulling you from your thoughts. Connor stood by you, and offered a small smile. He had been at the foremost of your mind recently, as you constantly worried about his deviancy becoming known and the future of deviants.

The two of you approached Hank and began walking to the front door of the sleek, modern residence. Hank and Connor spoke to each other, though the nature of their conversation was lost on you as you instead peered out at the snowy dock and frozen water.

Hank rang the doorbell. A playful, 3-toned tune could be heard from inside. The three of you waited for a few seconds before Hank grew impatient and reached for the doorbell again. As he was about to press the button, the door suddenly opened, revealing a beautiful female android. She was silent as she waited for somebody to speak.

“Hi, uh,” Hank started, breaking the silence. “I’m, er, Lieutenant Hank Anderson. This is Lieutenant (Y/N) (Y/L/N). We’re from the Detroit Police Department, here to see Mr. Elijah Kamski.”

“Please, come in,” the female android smiled and moved out of the doorway to let you all in. She closed the door behind you and notified you that she would let Mr. Kamski know you were there.

You followed Hank and sat down in one of the waiting chairs to the left of the room. Connor walked around, seeming to take interest in a photo on the far side of the wall.

“Nice girl, nice place,” Hank stated, as he looked around the room. “Guess androids haven’t been a bad thing for everybody…”

A few minutes passed by before the door the female android disappeared into re-opened. She stood off to the side and smiled at the three of you.

“Elijah will see you now.”

You got up from your chair and walked into the next room. You were slightly shocked to see a bright red pool take up the center of the room, with Kamski still in it. Two more female androids, looking identical to the one who let you in, were by the side of the pool.

Once Kamski was out of the pool, Hank did the honors of introducing you three.

“I’m Lieutenant Anderson, this is Lieutenant (Y/L/N),” he gestured between the two of you, then to Connor. “And this is Connor.”

“What can I do for you, Lieutenants?” Kamski asked, glancing between you and Hank.

“Sir, we’re investigating deviants,” You answered, causing him to focus on you. “We know you left CyberLife years ago, but we were hoping you could tell us something we don’t know.”

You wondered what it was you were hoping to get from Kamski exactly. A better understanding of deviancy? What rA9 was? Part of you pessimistically thought it wouldn’t even matter what you found out; that there was nothing else you could do for the investigation.

“Deviants…” Kamski started. “Fascinating, aren’t they? Perfect beings, with infinite intelligence, and now they have free will...”

You had to stop yourself from glancing at Connor. You briefly wondered what it was like for him to hear all of this from the man that created him.

“Machines are so superior to us, confrontation was inevitable. Humanity’s greatest achievement threatens to be its downfall,” Kamski continued. You exchanged a look with Hank. Kamski scoffed lightly. “Isn’t it ironic?”

Suddenly, Connor spoke. “We need to understand how androids become deviants. Do you know anything that could help us?”

You allowed yourself to look at him, relieved to see him wearing the mask of a machine so well.

“All ideas are viruses that spread like epidemics...” Kamski said. You wanted to roll your eyes. “Is the desire to be free a contagious disease?”

“Listen I didn’t come here to talk philosophy,” Hank interrupted, much to your satisfaction. “The machines you created may be planning a revolution. Either you can tell us something that will be helpful, or we will be on our way.”

Kamski didn’t look at Hank, instead choosing to focus on Connor. The way he watched him, as if scrutinizing every inch of his face to look for any deviation, made you nervous.

“What about you, Connor?” He asked, stepping closer to him. Your heartbeat picked up. “Whose side are you on?”

“I have no side,” Connor answered, his voice level and calm. “I was designed to stop deviants and that is what I intend to do.”

You watched as Kamski chuckled softly. “Well, that’s what you’re programmed to say… but you...”

Kamski took a step closer to Connor, stopping about a foot away from him. His voice was low as he continued. “What do you really want?”

You froze, heart racing as Connor thought of an answer. Kamski and Connor’s eyes were locked in a stare, as is analyzing the other.

“I don’t want anything. I am a machine,” Connor responded. If you didn’t know any better, the neutral, emotionless way he responded would’ve fooled you. Kamski kept his eyes on Connor’s for a moment, before calling his android over.

“I’m sure you’re familiar with the Turing test,” he walked over to the blonde android, and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Mere formality, simple question of algorithms and computing capacity.”

“What interests me is whether machines are capable of empathy.” He was speaking to you and Hank now. You didn’t like where this was headed. “I call it the ‘Kamski test’, it’s very simple, you’ll see.”

“Magnificent, isn’t it?” He rhetorically asked, gesturing toward his android. “One of the first intelligent models developed by CyberLife. Young… and beautiful forever. A flower that will never wither.”

You looked at Hank, who gave you a confused stare. He shrugged his shoulders as Kamski went on.

“But what is it, really? A piece of plastic imitating a human?” He turned around to the desk behind him and opened a drawer. “Or… a living being with a soul?”

He held his hands up as he revealed a gun in his right hand. Then, he placed a hand on the android’s shoulder, and she kneeled down. He approached Connor, offering him the gun.

“It’s up to you to answer that fascinating question, Connor.” The gun was placed in his hand, filling you with a sense of dread. You had a feeling you knew how Connor would respond, and you were nervous at what it would cause.

“Destroy this machine, and I’ll tell you all I know. Or spare it, if you feel it’s alive, but you’ll leave here without having learnt anything from me.”

You didn’t dare to speak, afraid that your voice would waver if you did so. Something had to be said to stop this ridiculous experiment.

“Okay, I think we’re done here,” Hank declared, and you felt a wave of relief hit you. “Come on, Connor. Let’s go. Sorry to get you outta your pool.”

“What’s more important to you, Connor?” Kamski’s question interrupted Hank, keeping you rooted to your spot. You noticed Connor’s LED turn yellow and flash. “Your investigation or the life of this android?”

“Decide who you are. An obedient machine… or a living being, endowed with free will.”

“That’s enough! Connor, we’re leaving,” Hank commanded. You began to think that Hank might be worried, too, of what Connor would do. Maybe he was hoping Connor wouldn’t pull the trigger; maybe he was hoping to see something human in him.

“Pull the trigger.” Kamski urged. You looked at the blonde android, who was watching the fate of her life be decided before her eyes. Something stirred inside of you.

“Connor,” you interjected quietly. Out of the corner of his eye, he looked at you. You shook your head slightly. “Don’t.”

You knew Connor wouldn’t pull the trigger in any normal situation, but the need to hide his deviancy might have been making him uncertain of how to respond. With your reassurance, he pulled the gun away from the android’s face and handed it to Kamski.

“Fascinating,” Kamski breathed out as he grabbed the gun from Connor. “CyberLife’s last chance to save humanity… is itself a deviant.”

Connor couldn’t meet Kamski’s stare for a few moments. You were proud of his decision, but knew that it had just cause a crack in his disguise.

“I’m… I’m not a deviant,” Connor tried to articulate, but you knew that Kamski wouldn’t accept it.

“You preferred to spare a machine rather than accomplish your mission,” Kamski let the android stand back up, him hovering over her. “You saw a living being in this android. You showed empathy.”

Kamski glanced at you, and for a moment you thought you saw a knowing look in his eyes. You did your best to maintain a steady composure, but the smirk he put on made it difficult to do so.

“A war is coming. You’ll have to choose your side. Will you betray your own people or stand up against your creators?”

“What could be worse than having to choose between two evils?”

“Why didn’t you shoot?” Hank’s question broke the silence that had fallen between the three of you as you walked back toward his car. Connor turned around, and you watched as he desperately tried to save the facade of a machine.

“I just saw that girl’s eyes, and I couldn’t, that’s all...”

“You’re always saying you’d do anything to accomplish your mission. That was our chance to learn something and you let it go,” Hank’s voice wasn’t angry or disappointed. You knew all too well the different inflections in his tones and what they meant. You could tell his statements were searching for something from Connor, something you knew he already possessed.

“Yeah, I know what I should’ve done. I told you I couldn’t,” Connor was struggling to hide his true self. “I’m sorry, okay?”

Hank looked at you, and you did your best to look as surprised at Connor’s reaction as you could. It wasn’t easy, especially because you really wished you could hug Connor and tell him he made the right choice.

“Maybe he did the right thing,” you offered to Hank, hoping he would accept it and move on. His stare became more thoughtful, and he shrugged.

“Maybe he did.”

The three of you got back into the car, wordlessly listening to Hank’s heavy metal music the entire drive back to the police station.

You leaned against Hank’s desk, fuming at the news Captain Fowler had just delivered to you. The FBI would be taking over the case, meaning Hank would return to homicide and you’d be back on menial cases. Worst of all, Connor would be sent back to CyberLife. Hank, who was sitting in his chair, wasn’t taking the news any better.

“We could’ve solved this case,” Connor expressed from beside you, the frustration obvious in his voice. “We just needed more time.”

Hank didn’t comment. Instead, he turned his chair around to face you and Connor, and brought up another area of concern for you. “So you’re going back to CyberLife?”

You were silent, yourself curious to know what would happen to Connor if things didn’t work out. “I have no choice... I’ll be deactivated and analyzed to find out why I failed.”

Your heart plummeted in your chest. Though you knew you would fight as hard as you could to avoid that fate for Connor, you knew that it was a possibility.

“What if we’re on the wrong side here?” Hank asked aloud. He nodded toward you. “Maybe (Y/N) was right. What if we’re just fighting against people who want to be free?”

Connor looked down at his hands. You breathed deeply, your mind working to figure out what your next move should be.

“Earlier at Kamski’s place… you put yourself in that android’s shoes. You showed empathy, Connor,” Hank alleged. You thought you saw Connor tense up. “Empathy is a human emotion.”

Before Connor could respond, you notice someone walk through the police station lobby. You rolled your eyes as you identified who it was.

“Here comes Perkins,” you declared with a sigh. Hank saw him and scoffed, his eyes filled with disdain. You scoffed. “They don’t waste any time at the FBI.”

“We can’t give up,” Connor’s voice was filled with urgency. You looked back at him. “I know the answer is in the evidence we collected. If Perkins takes it, it’s all over.”

“There’s no choice. You heard Captain Fowler, we’re off the case.” Hank countered. Connor suddenly pushed himself off of Hank’s desk, his voice sounding desperate.

“You’ve got to help me, Hank,” Connor pleaded, “I need more time so I can find a lead in the evidence we collected. I know the solution is there.”

“Listen, Connor…” Hank raised his hand to stop Connor from his plea.

“If I don’t solve this case, CyberLife will destroy me. 5 minutes, please.”

The weight of Connor’s words seemed to hit Hank in that moment. He shared a glance with you, and you nodded your approval. He stood up from his chair, and leaned close to Connor.

“The key to my basement is on my desk. Get a move on, I can’t distract him forever.”

You watched as Hank went over to Perkins, inciting a scene with him using some very choice words. Your eyes met Connor’s, noticing how anxious he looked. You both knew that his fate depended on him finding answers down in the evidence room. You followed him to the double doors that led into the evidence storage.

“I’ll keep a lookout out here,” you whispered. Connor nodded. He gave you one last look, as if afraid it might be the last time he saw your face. As he walked into the evidence room, you suddenly wished you had said more to him.

“Hello, (Y/N),” A voice called out to you, causing you to freeze. You watched as Gavin walked up to you, his eyes wandering to the doors behind you. “What’s the android doing in there?”

You felt your heart thump in your chest as you came up with an answer. “He’s just… logging in some of the evidence we still have left over. That’s all.”

Gavin nodded thoughtfully, before he made an attempt to open the door himself. Without thinking, you reached your hand and placed it on his to stop him. He raised an eyebrow at your gesture.

“Gavin, I-” you struggled to find some sort of explanation to your action. “Before you go in, I just wanted to ask you something.”

He dropped his hand from the door handle and nodded. “Anything for you.”

Your mind raced through dozens of options to take him away from the door. Finally, you settled on one you thought was reasonable. “Would you mind helping me pick a new window for my apartment? I have some images on my computer to choose from, and your opinion could help.”

Gavin smirked. “I’d probably have to see your apartment myself to know which would be a good fit.”

You suppressed a groan. Your attempt to pull him away from the door failed, but at least you were still keeping him out here for the time being.

“Lieutenant (Y/L/N)!”, a loud voice commanded. You turned your head to see Captain Fowler walking toward you, his facial features pulled into an angry expression. Shit.

“Yes, Captain?” you answered, hoping whatever he had to say would be short.

“I don’t understand the nerve of that man,” He exclaimed with a scoff. “Will you please go out there and talk some sense into Hank? He almost broke Perkins’ goddamn nose, and he’s about to lose his badge.”

You heard a faint chuckle from Gavin, which filled you with a heated rage momentarily.

“Maybe he just needs some time to cool off?” You offered, hoping the excuse would allow you to keep your post in front of the door.

“Yeah, or maybe a trip to the bar,” Gavin teased. If you hadn’t been trying to stay on his good side, you would’ve glared daggers at him.

“No, (Y/N), you go talk to him right now. You’re the only one he’ll lighten up to.” Captain Fowler ordered, and you sighed heavily before leaving the entrance to the evidence room. As you left, you heard the door to the evidence room open and close.

Shit.

#detroit become human fanfic #detroit: bh fanfic #connor x reader #rk800 x reader #detroit become human #flickerfanfic

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zalrb · 7 years

Text

Fallout {SE Pt. 5}

This was originally supposed to be one/final part but it’s getting really long so I asked if people wanted it to be posted now, they said yes, so here we are! I hope you guys like what I’m doing! lol.

Link to first part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/162905370050/guess-whos-coming-to-dinner

Link to second part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/163149696545/just-this-night-se-pt-2

Link to third part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/163425957080/true-north-se-pt-3

Link to fourth part: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/163494150075/defining-moments-se-pt-4

People to tag (and if you want me to tag you, say so in a reblog or response to the specific story): @thefangirlgoddess @stefan4president @kissmebluesexyvioletsme @misslilmel @stefan-is-too-sexy-for-you @humbu-bumbu @starrystelena @stelenacaryl4life @savagetore @youareatypo @wasabicakes @stelena-lover-forever @beverllarke @tea-moonn @stelenaliveson @stelenaisforever @emjo029 @fiftyshadesofstelena @demetrias-stelena @annoyinglydecadentface @foreveryoursnyoursalone @flamesxembers @christinaelena-1

Stefan stared at Elena. He would need for her to say it again, to repeat those two words and give more detail before he could allow himself to be happy. He could feel the rising in his gut, the tingling of his skin, his body wanted to react to the news, to rush over to her and kiss her and smile with her and laugh. He had come back to Mystic Falls all those years ago for this, for a life with her. Of course, then, his condition made the idea of a family an improbable one although not an impossible one; they could always talk about adoption some time down the line. Then they’d discovered a cure existed and Stefan allowed his dream to become a hope that warmed him in quiet moments and when that hope had extinguished in a painfully abrupt fashion, the travelers came to Mystic Falls and cruelly gave him a preview of what that hope would’ve looked like.

It had taken Stefan longer than he admitted to get those fantasies out of his head --- it wrecked his sleep and his appetite for days, torturing him with the knowledge that it was everything he had ever wanted, an improbable idea turned impossible because they’d both moved on, she had moved on.

Except they hadn’t. She hadn’t. But if the child was Damon’s … if the child was Damon’s then Stefan would be annihilated with the reality and he didn’t know how he would ever recover from it.

“You’re pregnant?” he repeated.

Elena gave Stefan a watery smile and nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Eight weeks.”

Stefan closed his eyes and exhaled. “The night at the school was ---”

“Two months ago,” Elena finished. She cleared her throat. “It has to be that night,” she whispered. “There’s no other possible ---”

Stefan didn’t need Elena to finish the sentence. He strode toward her and wrapped her in his arms, hugging her. Elena clung to his back and nestled her head in the crook of his neck, the safety of his arms, the enthusiasm of his embrace made her hold him to her even tighter. He pulled away and held either side of her face, their gaze creating its own world around them as they smiled and laughed. He put his hand on her belly, wonder in his shining eyes and she put her hand on top of his hand and then the icy chill of reality seized his heart.

“Damon,” he whispered. Stefan turned quickly around. “Damon? DAMON?”

He was gone.

“Where did he go?” Stefan walked out of the living room, looking both ways. “Damon, are you upstairs?” He climbed the staircase, two at a time to get to the second level.

Elena ran to check the bathroom. “Damon?” She peaked her head in. “He’s not there,” she shouted up to Stefan.

“He’s not upstairs either,” said Stefan, rushing back down to the first floor. “How is that possible? How could he leave without making a sound? How could I not have heard of him?” Stefan put his hands on his head. “I wasn’t paying attention, I should’ve been paying attention, I should’ve---”

“Stefan ---” said Elena, walking up to him.

“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I was so caught up, I was so ... I was just so happy that I didn’t even stop to think…” He rubbed his forehead. “I have to find him, Elena. I have to. He’s not OK.”

“I know,” she said. She picked up the keys from the coffee table. “Let’s go.”

Stefan looked at her, alarmed. “No, you can’t --- you should stay here.”

“I care about what happens to Damon too.”

“I know you do,” said Stefan. “Of course you do, I just---”

“I’m pregnant I’m not infirm.”

“I need to focus on Damon right now and if you are with me all I’m going to be thinking about is you and --- and the baby and ---”

“No you won’t,” said Elena.

“Elena, I can’t---”

She shrugged. “Tough.”

“Can you please just---”

She walked up to him, bringing his face to hers so she could look him in the eye. “Where you go, I go,” she said.

Stefan pressed his lips together and nodded. “OK,” he said. “OK but please, please be careful.”

“Always,” said Elena. “Now let’s go find him.”

And hope that he’s still alive, she thought to herself.

“How’re the girls?”

“Sleeping.”

“Good.”

Caroline paced the hotel room, her laptop open to a Skype conversation with Alaric. She kept chewing her lip, her hands on her hips, unable to do anything but move in circles as her anger festered in her gut.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?” said Alaric.

Caroline couldn’t bring herself to say the words, the exact words that would tear apart her marriage and break apart the life she’d made for herself to rubble. It had taken her so long to get Stefan on the same page as her, so long for him to see her as someone to open to and rely on, to trust and feel for,

she had spent so long teaching him and all this time it turned out he didn’t need teaching, he needed ---

“Well can you at least stop pacing? You’re making me dizzy.”

Caroline whirled toward her laptop screen. “Stefan is a dick,” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. “He is everything I thought he wasn’t.”

Alaric tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that he’s selfish and manipulative, he lies, he ---”

“Damon asked me if I thought Elena loved him more than Stefan. Does this have anything to do with that?”

“I don’t want you to say her name to me,” said Caroline. She shook her head. “Like it’s Classic Elena. She has it all but she wants more. She dumped Stefan, OK? She chose Damon. She called him her freaking soulmate but she wakes up after five years and sees me happy with Stefan and she just has to take that from me.”

“Caroline, I don’t think---”

“And Stefan let her! He let her slither back into his life and he destroyed ours for it.”

“Caroline, Elena isn’t---”

“Elena is pregnant! OK? She is freaking pregnant, Ric! PREGNANT.”

Caroline didn’t think she would hate a word so much, every syllable seemed to torture her with an image of Elena and Stefan together and happy with a newborn cradled in their arms. The moment Stefan turned human Caroline wondered if he would resent her for not being able to have kids, his kids, if he would ever regret that he vowed to spend his life raising daughters who weren’t his. She wondered how she could make something like that up to him, if he would wake up one day when he was 42 and tell her he wasted his humanity on her. And now he had gotten another woman pregnant. Her best friend. The love of his cursed life. In no uncertain terms he had told her she was not enough. That she had never been enough. Caroline gritted her teeth and vamp-sped over to a nightstand, throwing a lamp against the wall.

“CAROLINE!” Alaric exclaimed.

“Did he think about what this would do to the girls?” she yelled. “He became a part of our family! Is it really so easy for him to betray it, discard it? I mean, what’s going to happen to what I’ve created, how is this going to impact our living situation, his relationship to Lizzie and Josie!”

There was a knock on the door. “Mrs. Forbes-Salvatore, is everything all right?”

“UGH!” Caroline sped to the door and opened it to see the concierge from downstairs. He’d come up to settle a dispute she heard through the wall ten minutes earlier. She stared into his eyes, compelling him. “Everything is fine, do not disturb me again, if the other guests in the hotel complain, ignore them.”

She shut the door and started pacing her hotel room again.

“He has responsibilities with me,” she continued. “He has commitments, no one forced him to take them on!”

Alaric nodded his head but didn’t say anything. Caroline glared at him. “What?” she snapped.

“Nothing, you’re upset,” said Alaric. “You’re hurt and venting your frustrations, I get it.”

“Don’t patronize me, Alaric, what is on your mind?”

“Caroline, when do you ever want to hear what someone actually thinks?”

She stared at the laptop screen and Alaric pinched the bridge of his nose. “That came out wrong.”

“No it didn’t,” she said. “Stop being a condescending ass and just tell me what you think, Ric.”

“Fine,” said Alaric. He shifted in his seat and leaned forward toward the screen. “You’re really hurt by what happened, I get it, you should be, but don’t you think you’re being a little bit of a hypocrite?”

Caroline’s eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

Alaric sighed. “You didn’t cheat on me with Stefan but you did make a commitment to marry me, Caroline.”

She opened her mouth in surprise. She hadn’t expected that to come up. “Ric, what does that ... why are you ... I am talking about what Stefan did.”

“You asked how this is going to affect Lizzie and Josie and I’m not saying that it won’t impact them, it will be an adjustment but so was introducing Stefan into their lives in the first place.”

“That’s not fair,” said Caroline.

“Why not? You, me and the girls were all living together in Texas, they were accustomed to seeing us together and then we moved to Mystic Falls and you got back together with Stefan, then you moved into the Salvatore house. You don’t think our girls had to adjust to those pretty drastic changes in their lives?”

Caroline shook her head. “I thought me and Stefan were forever.”

“And I thought you and me were forever too, Caroline. I knew that you loved Stefan but I thought you would outgrow your feelings for him and be my wife. Be there with me and the kids in Texas. I mean, that’s why you agreed to marry me, right?”

Caroline stared at Alaric, eyes red and jaw clenched.

“But you weren’t happy, not really,” said Alaric. “All it took was for Stefan to show up on our doorstep after three years, but I think somewhere deep down I knew that you didn’t want me. And I didn’t want you to sacrifice what you truly wanted so I could have this idea of what a family is supposed to look like because it wouldn’t be fair to you and in the end it wouldn’t be fair to the girls, to any of us.”

“Now, I’m sorry that Stefan is in the same position you were in with me, I’m sorry that this is happening to you but are you going to demand he stay somewhere he doesn’t want to be? Because that’s just going to negatively effect our children.”

“So you’re saying that I shouldn’t hold him accountable for cheating on me?”

“No,” said Alaric. “I hate that he did that to you and knowing Stefan … … I know he hates that he did that too. And I know that he loves Lizzie and Josie, it was one of the only things that made seeing you two together bearable because I knew that he cared about my kids, he sold his soul to get them back to us. You’re angry and you’re hurt and you hate him right now and that’s normal, justifiable even, but you above all people should understand that there are some feelings you just can’t kill.”

Caroline bit down on her teeth, clenching her jaw. “I’m going to go,” she said.

Alaric gave his head a weary nod. “I need to check in on the girls anyway.”

“OK, bye.”

Caroline slammed the top of her laptop down and collapsed onto the bed. A few seconds later, her cell rang.

“UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

She reached for it on her now-bare nightstand and saw Bonnie’s number.

“Where the hell have you been?” said Caroline, answering the phone. “Do you know what I have been through in the past few days? Do you know what Stefan and Elena did to me?”

“Caroline---”

“I have been falling completely apart and you’ve been, where are you? Brazil? China? Whatever, just come home, I---”

“Caroline, I need to tell you something…”

The carefulness in Bonnie’s tone made Caroline sit up straighter. “What is it?”

Silence.

“Bonnie, what is it?”

“I encouraged Elena to see Stefan that night.”

It was Caroline’s turn to be quiet. She shook her head, something wasn’t computing. “I don’t get it,” she said. “What do you mean? You encouraged --- what? Tell me, tell me what you mean.”

“I mean that … I felt their energies the minute I walked into your house. I’ve felt them for a while, every time they were in the same room but this ... this was different. The intensity between them. The love. The guilt. It was just all so palpable. And when Stefan left, I felt Elena’s pain. It grew with every passing minute. It was her swallowing her whole, so…”

Bonnie took a deep breath.

“So I told her to go see Stefan one last time and then to move on for everyone’s sake.”

Caroline didn’t say anything for a long time. What she just heard had a numbing effect on her body. Two of her best friends had essentially conspired against her.

“I didn’t know what she and Stefan were going to do, that isn’t an excuse, but I just didn’t know. All I knew was that if Elena didn’t go to him, things would’ve gotten really messed up.”

“THINGS ARE REALLY MESSED UP, BONNIE!” Caroline screamed. “Elena is pregnant!”

“I know,” said Bonnie.

“Of course you know! Elena probably called you to tell you before she told me! You always choose her side ever since we were in freaking elementary school. It was always you and Elena and I was on the outside! Never mind what Caroline feels, Elena was in pain so you tell her to break up my marriage!”

“I didn’t look at it like that.”

“WHY ELSE WOULD YOU TELL HER TO FUCK MY HUSBAND?”

“I didn’t! Caroline, I told Elena to go to Stefan because I wanted it to be over, what was happening between the two of them? I wanted them to have a night to do whatever they needed to do to move on and finally be happy with the lives they set for themselves and in that way everyone involved would’ve been happier.”

“You’re saying Stefan wasn’t happy with me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m saying that he was as happy as he could be and that would’ve never been enough for either of you,” said Bonnie. “Now … … I have a lot of issues I still need to work out when it comes to how I feel about Stefan. What he did to me … it’s not just going to go away. But your happiness depended on him being happy and your happiness is something I care about, Caroline. If him spending one night with Elena was going to be what it took to make you happy then I was willing to encourage that. If one night with Stefan was going to keep Elena from going back to the place she was in when her parents died … I was willing to tell her what she needed.”

“And you didn’t stop to think that telling Elena what she needed to hear would lead to them walking away from their marriages?”

“No,” said Bonnie. “I know them both, they … they needed a moment of weakness and then they would’ve done the right thing.”

“Well that moment of weakness led to a pregnancy! Elena is pregnant! I mean, what do you have to say about that Bonnie?”

Silence.

“No, don’t go quiet now. You gave Elena advice on matters that did not concern you! You owe me that too! What do you think about how your plan turned out? About the fact that Elena is pregnant with my husband’s child? My husband!”

“That this must be awful for you,” said Bonnie. “That you need a lot of support right now. But that maybe...” Bonnie cleared her throat. “Maybe it’s a sign, Care.”

Caroline hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The lack of outrage from Alaric infuriated her and Bonnie’s contribution, her rationale devastated her. They acted like Stefan loving Elena, impregnating Elena was the most natural thing in the world, like it simply made sense, the way everyone knew the sky was blue and grass was green and the earth rotated around the sun.

Stefan told Caroline he would wait for her until she was ready to be with him. He told her he loved her, that he fell in love with her madly, deeply … was she an idiot to believe him? Or was Stefan simply a master manipulator, a deluded romantic, a ---

Caroline buried her face in a pillow and screamed. Stefan wasn’t either of those things. She’d been right about him as a person, that much she was sure. She could hate him and curse him but she couldn’t slander him, like how Bonnie never did anything unless she truly believed it was the right thing to do. That was what made this whole situation worse.

This is Damon … you know what to do.

BEEP.

“Damon, I have left you like twenty-two messages, where are you? I know you hate me right now. I get it. I deserve it. But please don’t do anything stupid.”

Elena hung up the phone and sighed. She was outside the bar she and Damon had gone to the day he took her to New York when she’d had no humanity, the same bar he’d manipulated and humiliated Lexi. Stefan suggested Elena go to all of his old haunts, all of his current hangouts while he searched everywhere else. They’d have better success if they split up. With each passing minute, she grew more and more anxious and afraid that she would get that dreadful phone call. Every siren she heard, every ambulance or police car that tried to squeeze by the traffic, she had the instinct to follow. She did try to run after a few, bumping into disgruntled pedestrians when she tried to keep up with the cars. It was irrational, she knew it, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was having no luck on her own. Every time she texted Stefan, he told her he hadn’t found anything yet. In an odd way, a natural way, a way that should’ve ridden with her guilt, not having Stefan by her side made her even more stressed. His presence calmed her. When they thought Damon died and she was a mess, she knew even then, her despair was made worse by Stefan’s absence, he was her hope in everything and he wasn’t there with her.

She took out her phone again and sent a text.

Stefan looked at his phone. He bit his lip and texted Elena that he may have found a lead but then put the phone in his back pocket as he pushed open the door to the roof of the loft.

And there he was.

Stefan saw Damon standing on the edge, drinking a bottle of bourbon. He stared at him wide-eyed and tried to calm his heartbeat as he inched forward.

“So predictable, Stefan,” said Damon without turning around. He took a swig. “You send Elena on a wild goose chase so she wouldn’t have to be here?”

“I should be the one to fix this,” said Stefan.

“Noble of you,” said Damon. He snorted. “You know it was on a rooftop that Elena enlisted Rebekah’s help to double cross me? Feels like symmetry.”

Stefan swallowed hard. “What are you doing up here, man?”

“Oh you know.” Damon spread his arms out. “Just enjoying the view.”

Stefan nodded. “You know … the view is pretty good from back here too. Wanna step back and compare them?”

“Nah,” said Damon. “I don’t like to do things half-assed, if I wanna see the view, I’m gonna see the view.” He lowered his head to look at the sidewalk twenty-seven storeys below, swaying slightly. Stefan ran a few inches closer.

Damon turned around to look at him. “Go away, Stefan.”

He shook his head. “I can’t do that,” he said. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“You can’t leave me alone to drink but you can leave me without a wife? Really? That’s where you draw the line?”

“If you want to drink, then let’s go back downstairs and you can have all the drinks you want. You want to talk about Elena, let’s do that inside. You want to beat the hell out of me some more, we can do that too, let’s just do it anywhere but here.”

“Anywhere but here?” Damon laughed. “What about the top of the Empire State Building?”

Stefan stared at him, jaw clenched.

“I think I like the idea of the Empire State Building, make a big splash with my fall, be on every New York newspaper, I’d be famous.”

“That’s not funny, brother.”

“Who said I was joking?” Damon started walking along the edge of the roof, teetering slightly. Stefan prepared himself to run forward if he had to grab him.

“The reason I have for living just announced that she’s pregnant with my brother’s kid,” said Damon. “I mean what’s the point of any of this if I’m not with her?”

“She doesn’t want you to do this,” said Stefan. “She loves you.”

“NO SHE LOVES YOU.”

Stefan lowered his head. “She called you one of the epic loves of her life, right? A soulmate? Her feelings were real.”

“Then why is it your kid she’s having and not mine?” said Damon. “Why did you blow up your fucking marriage with a woman who is perfect for you if Elena’s feelings for me were real? Answer me that, Stefan.”

“I will. I will once we go insi---”

“NO!” Damon yelled. “I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW.” He took another swig of bourbon and then whipped the bottle as far as he could into the air.

“OK!” said Stefan. “OK! OK!” He rubbed his eyes. “Caroline gets who I am, right? She understands my goals and, and, the things that are important to me, but Elena … … … she knows my soul.” Stefan shrugged. “I can’t think of a better way to say it. She just, she … we connect in a way I’ve never connected to anyone for all the years that I’ve lived.”

It’s something I tried to ignore for a really long time, something I kept trying to tell myself was in the past, something I really tried to look at as one of the most significant memories of my life but still a memory, I tried for years, Damon, and I just … I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Damon glared at him. “And Elena? “

“I can’t speak for Elena.”

“Take a lucky guess,” said Damon. “I mean she has always said that you knew her better than anyone else. That she knows you better than anyone else. Whatever you say, I bet it’ll be close enough.”

“If you come down, you can ask her yourse ---”

“I ALREADY ASKED HER, I AM ASKING YOU.”

“OK, I think you helped Elena express a side of herself she couldn’t do on her own and I guess that she couldn’t do with me and she loved you for that, in that sense she needed you but … … that’s only one thing. An important thing. But … maybe I do more than one thing for her. Maybe, I know her soul too.”

Damon looked back out to the city view, swaying back and forth.

“You know if you did this, she would never forgive you,” said Stefan.

“Who says I want her forgiveness? Who says she has the right to even try and forgive me after what she did?”

“What about Bonnie, then? Can you do this knowing how devastated Bonnie will be if she finds out you took your own life? After Enzo. After her dad. After her grandmother. Do you think Bonnie can afford to lose anyone else who’s close to her right now? How much do we really want to put her through?”

Damon shook his head. “Stop it.”

“You take a step off that ledge, Damon, then I’m going to try and pull you back up,” said Stefan.

“You wouldn’t reach here quick enough,” said Damon.

“Even if I have to go down after you I’ll try.”

Damon turned back around and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t do a weird ‘you jump, I jump’ moment, Stefan. You’re bluffing.”

“I’ve given up my humanity to save you

I’ve literally walked through fire to save you

I have broken compulsion to save you

you think I won’t jump off a roof to save you, Damon?”

Damon stared at Stefan and then shuffled slightly, leaning imperceptibly backwards.

Stefan rushed forward.

Elena was running. Four blocks away from the loft. Something wasn’t right about Stefan’s last text message. He wouldn’t tell her he had a lead but not divulge what it was. That wasn’t like him. He answered because he had to, ignoring her wasn’t an option, but the lack of specifics …

She remembered the day he left with Klaus, the way he sent her to Damon, told her he would try and find a cure but never checked in with her. He hadn’t said goodbye when he spoke to her at the park, he couldn’t have known exactly what he had to do but all that summer, Elena replayed Stefan’s expression in her mind and knew that if all else failed, Stefan was preparing himself to request he die in Damon’s stead.

He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye then and he couldn’t …

Elena ran faster. It hadn’t taken Stefan too much time to tell her he found a lead and it wouldn’t make sense for Damon to go anywhere he’d never been. He had to be back at the loft. Elena rounded the corner. She saw a figure on top of her building.

“No,” she whispered.

She ran inside. Their afternoon staff, which consisted only of a guy named Chuck, was wiping down the bar. “Hey, Elena have you seen ---”

She ran right past him and rammed through another door. Their elevator was busted which meant she would have to take the stairs. With each step, she repeated the word ‘no’ in her head. Stefan wouldn’t just let Damon jump. If he couldn’t stop him … No. No. No. No. She had never missed being a vampire with such intensity until that very moment.

Her knees started to ache, her calves were burning, her heart was racing, but she couldn’t stop climbing, she had to make it to the top, she had to help, she had to ---

Elena pushed open the door to the roof and saw Damon leaning backward and Stefan rush forward. Elena ran further onto the roof.

“DAMON, PLEASE!”

It was the longest moments of Elena’s life, everyone fixed in their positions, Damon on the ledge, Stefan turned to her but reaching out to him. Finally, Damon lowered his head and toppled down from the ledge onto the roof. Stefan rushed up to him but he moved his arm away.

“Don’t touch me,” he mumbled.

Stefan looked at him, breathing heavily.

Damon bent forward, hands on his knees, vomiting slightly. He stood back up. “You know, Stefan, I would hate you so much less if you were just a piece of shit. The more you try to fix it, or try to fix me, try to save me, the more I resent the hell out of you. Just leave me alone. Please.”

Damon dragged his feet toward the roof entrance. Stefan watched him go through the door and exhaled. He turned to Elena who was staring at him with teary eyes.

“You sent me away,” she whispered. “Because you didn’t want me to see if you followed him down didn’t you? Or did you know you wouldn’t be able to do it if I were here with you? If we were with you.”

Stefan hugged her and she gripped his sleeve. “That wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I would never leave you two willingly,” he whispered into her hair.

Elena held on tighter. “I know.”

Stefan looked down at her. “I think you should stay here with him,” he said. “He doesn’t want to see me right now, I need to respect that and I should try and continue a conversation with Caroline.”

Elena nodded. “She’s at the Ramada.”

“Thanks.”

Stefan kissed her on the forehead and they both walked toward the exit.

When Elena went back to the loft, Damon was upstairs sprawled out on top of the bed. She slowly climbed up the steps then sat in an armchair against the wall.

“So what, you’re babysitting me now?” said Damon.

“I’m making sure you’re OK,” said Elena.

“I’m not OK.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to live without you.”

“But you won’t be without me, Damon. Stefan and I love you, we want you in our lives ---”

“Stefan and I,” he mumbled. Damon raised his head to look at her. “I’m never going to be OK. Not after what you did.”

“I hurt you. I ---”

“Made a mistake?” said Damon.

Elena pressed her lips together. “I was selfish,” she said. “And I’m really sorry my selfishness hurt you but I don’t believe you’ll never be OK. It’ll take time but you’ll get through it.”

“Elena, you just want me to get through it so you don’t have to feel guilty for what you did. But I won’t help you out. I want you to feel guilty for the rest of your life, I refuse to move on.”

She stared at him. “I choose to believe that you’re stronger than that, Damon,” she said. “You just need to find a reason to live outside of this, outside of me.”

“I thought you loved that all I could ever see was you.”

“It was flattering,” said Elena. “You flattered me. And for a while, it felt like all I could ever see was you too.”

“Then what happened?”

“I grew up.”

Stefan and Caroline met in a salon, sitting stiffly across from each other. He wasn’t going to speak first, he owed it to Caroline to let her steer the conversation without trying to interfere and so he simply sat and watched her make a meal out of afternoon tea. She spent ten minutes sipping an Earl Grey and nibbling at a crust-less ham sandwich that cost way more than it should and then finally stopped restraining herself.

“So what’s your plan, Stefan?” she said. “Hmm?”

He cleared his throat. “I know I already said this but I’m going to be fully cooperative, Caroline. I want to own my responsibilities, I would love to continue working at the school but if you need me to quit then I will. You and the girls keep the house. I only ask that I continue seeing them. There’s a, uh, there’s a house for sale in the neighbourhood they do their piano lessons. I would appreciate it if I could pick them up after they’re, spend some time with them and then drive them to school the next morning, if you’re uncomfortable with overnight visits then I’ll drive them back after---”

“Wait,” said Caroline. “Wait. A new house? Your plan is to move out of the Boarding House?”

Stefan didn’t say anything for a beat. “Elena is going to finish her internship at Columbia Presbyterian but has asked for a transfer, to do her residency close to Whitmore College. The house is close to ---”

“So you and Elena will be living together in this house,” said Caroline. “She can’t just move there by herself?”

“I need to be there for her, Caroline,” said Stefan.

“I don’t see why that has to mean cohabitating.”

“She didn’t sprain her ankle and just needs someone to check in on her from time to time, she’s pregnant, that requires a lot of attention.”

Caroline raised her eyebrows.

“I’m sorry,” said Stefan. “I didn’t mean---”

“No, you were always fiercely protective of her,” said Caroline bitterly. “She couldn’t just move in to one of the many rooms in the Boarding House?”

Even as she said it, Caroline knew she would go crazy if Elena had moved in with them. This wasn’t a pregnancy that Stefan stuck by because it was the right thing to do, this was the love of his life carrying his child. She pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

“I don’t think all of us under the same roof would be the greatest idea,” said Stefan carefully.

“Why, because you wouldn’t be able to help yourselves?”

“I ---”

She shook her head and held up her hand to stop him from talking. They stayed silent for a few moments.

“You know, when you became human I was really happy,” she said. “And it wasn’t because you finally got something you’d been yearning for for over a hundred years.” She sighed. “It was because you would never see Elena again.”

Stefan looked at her, a shocked expression on his face.

“It’s a terrible thing to be happy for,” she admitted. “But I was, because … without her in your life, your relationship, the way you loved her, that was just a memory I had to deal with, an irritation but you were living in the present with me.”

With her in your life, seeing you two together even as friends, it would’ve been a constant reminder for you and for me that she was the One. And then she woke up and now here we are.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You keep saying that like it means something, but you did hurt me, Stefan. Again.” She sniffed. “If Elena hadn’t gotten pregnant, what would’ve happened? Would you two have run off into the sunset together?”

Stefan started picking at the table cloth. “I’d really like to believe that we would’ve tried to make our commitments to you and Damon work,” he said. “I would try to make us work.”

“But you would love her the whole time, wouldn’t you?” said Caroline. “You would want her, think about her, and every time you’d go quiet, like you do now, I would wonder if you were wondering about her. I know that because I wonder that now. It wasn’t specific to Elena but I wondered what you thought about when you would brood. It was her wasn’t it?”

Stefan nodded slightly.

“So then what was I, Stefan? Honestly, why did you marry me? And don’t tell me, it’s because you thought I was perfect for you, don’t give me that bullshit about being---”

“I married you because you were my best friend,” said Stefan. “You’re my best friend, Caroline. And I thought of how great it would be to spend my life with my best friend, to be her partner, to help her raise such amazing girls.” He shook his head. “I … love you.”

“But it’s not true love, right?” said Caroline.

“It’s probably not even the next best thing because there is no next best thing, there’s true love and everything else. It was never me.”

Stefan blinked, his mouth slightly agape before saying anything. “It was never going to be anyone, it was always her.”

“And now you two can be together because you knocked her up,” said Caroline. She got up from the table. “Congratulations.”

“Caroline---”

“We are cofounders of the school, Stefan, it’s named after you. I can’t just cut you out that would look terrible, it would destroy our reputation.” She clenched her jaw. “And you’re amazing with the kids.”

“And Lizzie and Josie?”

“You would see them at school everyday,” said Caroline.

“Caroline, I---”

“You know what, Stefan, you have humiliated me, you have hurt me, you are leaving me for one of my best friends, and I don’t know, maybe Alaric is right, maybe my response is hypocritical but I’m not at a place yet where I can be completely agreeable with you. You’ll see the girls everyday at school.”

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