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cataboliac · 2 years

Text

Memories

WJSN’s Cheng Xiao

8.4k words

Warning: pretty angsty

Rainy days were always a hit or miss for you. If caught outside without an umbrella, hiding from the unforgiving freezing droplets would always be a nightmare for you. If it were a cold, indoor day, the rain made the day more peaceful; its cold embrace soothed you to a well-earned nap. Either way, you have heard a saying from mom that rain was considered good luck. It symbolized positive things such as change, renewal, and life.

Maybe it was mom's way of making you feel better—for whatever reason—because today was not the case.

The day started out beautiful; the sky was like a dome of plasma blue. The clouds were fluffy marshmallows drifting under the gleaming disc of the sun. Suddenly, the beautiful blue shade began to darken into gravel-gray, and the gloomy rain clouds blotted out the sky and the tangerine sunlight. Then the rain started to fall from the heavens.

There wasn’t a day you weren’t drenched during your whole stay in China—it rained cats and dogs. You were lucky that you were already in the conference room when it started pouring.

As you watch a droplet that slides down the window, you wonder why the higher-ups decided to send you out of all people to facilitate this important meeting. There are better people suited for this. Maybe the years you spent with the group as their manager made you the perfect candidate; you know this group inside-out, but you feel too attached to make objective decisions.

Either way, it might have been fate that brought you here—for better or for worse. The weather seemed to reflect the inner state of mind, a storm of feelings brewing inside you. You are thankful, at least, that Starship sent an actual lawyer on this trip and someone you are at least familiar with.

“Tsk. It’s only been crappy weather since we got here,” Jaesung says as he fiddles with his necktie. “And they’re late, again!”

“Yeah, to be honest, I just want to get this over with,” you reply as you tap on the window anxiously.

The rain droplet you were following slides further down the window and out of sight. With nothing else to do, you sit down next to Jaesung.

Jaesung slides the open folder that was in front of him towards you. “You think they’d finally show up?” he asks.

“I don’t know, but I want to see them.”

Looking down at the bundle of papers, the words “End of Contract” are written in huge font. Your heart always sinks when you read the names under it—Cheng Xiao, Meng Mei Qi, and Wu Xuan Yi.

It was inevitable, but it still broke your heart when the higher-ups broke the news to you. Ever since that contract fiasco with Tencent, and their booming individual careers in China, they didn’t need an incentive to return to Korea. It was only a matter of time till Yuehua called in and decided to pull the plug—a year before their contract renewal with Starship.

Memories of the three Chinese girls flood your brain as your finger traces their names on the paper

Xuan Yi. You never met anyone as pleasant or as happy-go-lucky as her. Despite her aloofness on camera, she is the most sensitive and observant of everyone's feelings. You think it was because she grew up in hardship. She always made everyone else happy, even at the cost of her happiness.

Meng Mei Qi. You hope the stories were false, but perhaps you never truly knew her. The Mei Qi you recall was insightful, compassionate, and one of the more mature members of the group. You prefer to remember her like this. She usually kept to herself, but she always knew what to say; Mei Qi was the best at expressing herself.

Cheng Xiao. No amount of words can even begin to describe her. Out of the three Chinese girls, she was the closest to you. Xiao was just perfect in every way possible. She was not just beautiful; everything she did was just as flawless as her. Xiao affects others by bringing the best out of them. She was a flower that made others bloom; that made you blossom.

The "Chinity"—as they were fondly named—completed the 13-member girl group you were lucky to take in as a family. You watched them grow together, lead each other through hardships, and celebrate the best moments of their lives. Staying up for 18 hours at a time was worth it to see those 13 starry smiles. WJSN was your youth; they have changed you in so many ways.

Even the happiest of stories have to end someday. You remember the day you brought the three to the airport—and little did you know it was the last time you saw them. In this line of business, people will come and go out of your life, but that day you lost an enormous part of yourself.

Jaesung taps your shoulder, taking you out of your reverie. “How are you holding up?” he asks.

“I’m good. A bit nervous, to be honest. Just wondering whether or not the girls will show up," you reply. Taking in a deep breath, you take a moment to calm yourself down.

“They mean a lot to you. It's okay to be a bit tense.”

He pulls the folder towards him. “Don’t worry, this will be a quick meeting. Just some negotiations and the signatures. Then if they don’t show up, we can leave, rest up, and catch a flight tomorrow.”

As soon as Jaesung finishes his sentence, the door to the conference room opens. The two of you stand up to acknowledge the presence of the Yuehua executive officer.

The executive officer enters first, and he holds the door open. You weren't expecting anyone else for this meeting.

The clacking of heels echoes from outside the room. Your instincts kick in; something is up. You assume from the pattern of sounds that it was more than one person. Taking deep breaths, you anxiously await their entrance. The anticipation is killing you inside; it feels like waiting for the curtain to come down on the surprise main attraction.

And three ghosts of the past enter the room.

The past always catches up to you, one way or another. Xiao leads Xuan Yi and Mei Qi in a single file line as they enter the room. The years have been kind to them—despite their busy independent schedules, you are thankful they look healthy.

The three look surprised to see you—eyes slightly wide and mouth agape—but they quickly regain composure as they approach the table. Xiao takes slower steps as she nears her seat in front of you, eyeing you up and down.

“We apologize for being late. We had to coordinate the girls’ schedules so they could all be here today,” the executive officer says as he closes the door. He then takes his place in between the girls.

“It’s no problem. We can begin the meeting then,” Jaesung says. He nudges your shin with his foot, taking you out of your initial shock.

This is going to be a long meeting.

_______________________________________________________________________

An hour passes by, and all the details are reasonably sorted out. It was arduous, but you’ve finally made it to the signatures. Jaesung gives you the paper for everyone to sign.

You tap the table multiple times with your pen. Taking in a deep breath, you sign right above your name. Every stroke felt like you were losing a part of yourself. With the final inking done, you take one last look at your signature—ink lines permanently closing the doors to The Chinity. With the deed done, you pass the paper first to Xuan Yi.

Xuan Yi looks at you for the first time since she entered the room. She gives you her signature smile, but the eyes never hide what you truly feel. You can tell through those glassy eyes that Xuan Yi hesitates to sign. It is touching to see she has not changed; she still has difficulty saying no so that she does not hurt anyone.

You nod at Xuan Yi, returning a smile. “It’s okay,” you mouth to her.

Xuan Yi's smile falters for a split second. She nods back, and after a couple of seconds, she quickly signs on the paper and passes it to Mei Qi. She turns in her swivel chair to face away from you and the table.

Mei Qi takes her time reading the contents. She specifically rereads one particular sentence, tapping it with her finger repeatedly. Leaning in for a closer look, you realize it’s the sentence with her name as “WJSN” Mei Qi. You hear an audible sigh from her, and then she signs the paper. She finally faces you, and her lips slightly quiver.

Maybe she does care.

Lastly, it was Xiao’s turn.

The sight of Cheng Xiao entering the room was like getting struck by a freight train; fast and messy, it reopened feelings you had not felt for a long time. Xiao always captivated you in more ways than one—wide brown chocolate eyes, heavenly beaming smile, dangerous womanly curves.

Today could not be a better example. Xiao has not changed over the years—she still had those lively eyes, plump red lips, and a simple yet killer attire that outlined her heavenly body. She was dressed in a long-sleeved black shirt and high-rise jeans that make her curves shine, but you notice she's slimmer compared to her days in Korea.

After all these years, Xiao still makes you feel these emotions you thought you’d forgotten.

She looks dangerously calm despite the situation; you wonder what is going through her mind.

Xiao takes one look at the contract. Then in one fluid motion, she signs the paper. Xiao doesn’t even look up to you, turning to face the window when she passes the contract back to you; not even a single ounce of emotion on her face.

What she does shocks you; no emotion whatsoever on her face. Xiao never wears her feelings on her sleeve and rarely does she talk about them, but now you can't seem to get a read on her. Sometimes, on a good day, you can predict her—you have known her for so long that you know she lets her actions do the talking. It feels like she placed a gigantic wall between you two.

Has it been that long, Xiao, that I barely know you now?

You set aside any other negative thoughts for now and focus right back on the topic on hand. After a quick inspection, you pass the paper to Jaesung, who does his reading.

“Everything seems to be in order,” Jaesung says, standing up and offering his hand to the Yuehua executive.

“Thank you for your utmost cooperation,” the man says, accepting Jaesung’s gesture by shaking his hand, then offers the same to you.

You quickly stand up, shake his hand, and swiftly let go. Even though endings like these are a part of everyday life, you still wish you had more time with these girls.

“Mr. Lee, I believe we can discuss some of the smaller details of the contract. The girls would want to have some final words with their former manager.”

You try not to show any shock on your face, but you can’t help but raise an eyebrow. A wave of hope washes over you.

Your final words with the girls.

Jaesung pats you on the back before following the Yuehua executive outside and closing the door.

And now you’re left with The Chinity.

Xiao still refuses to look at you. She stands up and approaches the window. You at least understand that she needs some space, and let her be for now.

Xuan Yi quickly rounds the table and tackles you into a hug. You absorb the impact, catching her light body and cushioning her with your chest. Her arms tightly wrap around your torso. She shudders in your arms, and you feel part of your shirt suddenly get moist.

"There, there. I'm here, Mèimei,” you tell her as you lightly pat her back. You have always called her your little sister, even if she was a few months older than you.

This might be the last time you could call her that.

Mei Qi treads carefully behind Xuan Yi. She stops a few feet before you, shuffling between moving forward and staying in place.

This doesn't go over your head. You gesture to her with your free hand to come closer, giving her your most reassuring smile. Mei Qi blinks, and tears suddenly start to roll down her face. With her walls broken down, she joins the hug.

This is the Mei Qi you remember, and you pray she finds her footing again.

“I’m so, so proud of you two. You’ve both grown so well.” Xuan Yi bawls even more from what you say while Mei Qi tightens her embrace around you.

“I can’t believe you’re even here,” Mei Qi says.

“Me neither. This is all unexpected,” you reply as you settle into the group hug.

“How long are you staying here?”

“I’m only here till tomorrow afternoon. Then it’s back to Korea.”

Mei Qi clicks her tongue to that. “What terrible timing. I have a schedule in a while, and I’ll be busy the whole day tomorrow. At least we were able to see you, Oppa.”

Xuan Yi finally calms down in your arms. She looks up to you. “It’s the same for me, Gēgē. I wish we had more time together.”

“It’s okay. At least we have this moment,” you say. You have to breathe deeply to prevent yourself from crying.

“What about Xiao? Will she be okay?” you whisper to the girls.

Xuan Yi frowns at your question. It takes a while before she whispers back. “Oppa, I think you need to ask her yourself. We’ll give you some privacy.”

“We have to go now. It was great seeing you, Oppa,” Mei Qi says after.

Mei Qi is the one who breaks the hug first. She gives you a big smile, then blows a kiss to you.

Xuan Yi gets on her tip-toes, kisses you on your cheek, then finally lets you go. Her face is slightly messy from all her crying; you’re not letting her out like that.

You reach your pocket for your unused handkerchief and hand it to her. “Here, keep it. Something to remember me by.”

Xuan Yi beams from your impromptu gift. She uses it immediately, cleaning her eyes, patting out some of the smudged makeup on her face, and blowing her nose with it. You chuckle at her; she’s still the same untidy Xuan Yi, and you’re still picking up after her.

Mei Qi and Xuan Yi approach the door before turning to you, possibly for the last time.

“Goodbye, Oppa!” they say at the same time.

“Stay safe, girls.”

Xuan Yi opens the door, and the two girls exit the room to continue their lives. It takes most of your willpower not to tear. It feels like a part of you was taken away with them.

You hope they return with it one day.

_______________________________________________________________________

Now, it's you and Xiao left in the room.

Xiao still has her back on you. She has not moved a muscle since Jaesung left. It makes you uneasy; you are not sure how to approach her.

Seconds pass, and neither of you budges from your positions. The silence is deafening, the air thick with tension that you can slice through with a butter knife. There is so much to say in so little time; where would you start?

"Why haven’t you left yet?"

It was faint—almost a whisper—but you heard her. Hearing Xiao’s voice gives you the courage to approach her. You find yourself walking towards her.

“Xiao?” You stop just when you’re within arm’s reach.

“It doesn’t have to be this hard, Oppa.” She shakes her head. Xiao’s voice is jittery, as if she’s terrified to talk to you.

You reach out your hand to her. “I don’t understand—”

“Stop.”

You withdraw your hand instantly. You had your arguments with Xiao before, but she has never used such a livid tone with you before. It's shocking, so much so that you're too stunned to move.

“Do you know how hard it is to leave people you love behind so unexpectedly?” Xiao’s shoulders start to shake. Her hand moves to her face, and you hear her start to sniffle.

“I—I thought today was going to be easy. I was going to sign that stupid paper and try to move on with my life in Korea as a happy memory.”

“But why are you here?! Why, out of all times, do you have to show up when I’m about to move on?!”

Every word she said was like a dagger to your heart, reopening wounds you thought you had recovered from.

“I wanted to stay! I was okay with the back-to-back flights and never-ending schedules because I had a family to fall back to.”

She turns around, and your heart breaks into a million pieces. Tears were streaming down her face. With Xiao’s mask finally falling off, her brown eyes carry a mixture of shock, hurt, and barely contained anger. You hate seeing Xiao like this.

“Most importantly, I h-had—I had you. I had someone to talk to about my worries, someone to hold me when I cry, someone to tell me everything was okay.”

That was the last straw for you. Xiao's outpouring of emotions opens your floodgates, and tears trickle from your eyes. Xiao has always been strong, but you hate seeing her now so miserable—she did not deserve this.

You reach out your hand to her again. It carefully inches towards her face this time, and Xiao doesn't show any signs of rejecting you again. Your fingers finally graze her silky skin, remembering how soft and smooth it is. Xiao doesn't flinch, closing her eyes to the feeling of your hand. You gently wipe away the tears that stain her flawless face with your thumb and step closer to her.

A wave of nostalgia hits you as your arms circle around her. You remember this feeling blossoming in your heart—something only Cheng Xiao can evoke from you.

She opens her eyes, and they gaze back at you with a sense of longing. Xiao's eyes start to water, and more tears threaten to come out. Her arms shoot out for your waist, pulling you into her comforting embrace. Your body recognizes the familiar touch of her body as your arm wraps around her in a protective hug. Xiao releases all of her anguish onto your chest, crying and reinforcing her hold around you.

The years of separation have taken a toll on the two of you. It was four long years of rolling on through life, looking for the missing piece that made you grow.

And finally, you are complete for now; here she is, in your arms, reunited at last.

______________________________________________________________________

“How did the hotpot taste for you?” Xiao asks after taking quick sips of her beer.

Hotpot is your favorite way to have a meal—it is the easiest way to feed a big group of people, there is so much variety in the ingredients, and it is a great way to bond over food. It's one of the things you shared with Xiao.

Xiao was the only one free to have dinner with you tonight. After calming down from the outburst of emotions, she led the two of you to her favorite hotpot restaurant just down the street from the Yuehua building. It has been hours, and the two of you chatted up a storm about the recent updates about each other’s lives.

You cherished every moment you brought the girls to any hotpot restaurant. Taking care of 13 girls in a hotpot restaurant is always a chaotic task, but these were some of the best memories you have.

You gulp the last of your Highball. Its sweet, snappy flavor washes out the meaty aftertaste left on your tongue. “Pretty delicious, but I still don’t know how you can eat so much.”

She pouts at you for taking a jab at her unladylike appetite. “Please, you know I’m not even the heaviest eater among the girls!”

“I don’t usually eat like this. It has been a while since I’ve had a proper hotpot with someone. It’s a bit lonely to eat hotpot alone.” Xiao looks into her beer glass, then downs the last of her drink.

She sighs. “I’m sorry, I’m bringing down the mood, aren’t I?”

“Hey. No, you’re not. Hotpot is always made for sharing.”

“Are you feeling better?” you ask her, deciding to change the subject.

Xiao flashes you a smile. “I am. I never imagined seeing you again, Oppa. I missed you so much.” Xiao's tender smile warms you up faster than the hotpot can. It is always the comfort to be in her radiant presence.

“I missed you too, Xiao.” You reach out for her hand and gently squeeze it. It could be the alcohol, the hotpot, or the skinship with Xiao, but it suddenly feels hotter in the restaurant.

Xiao squeezes back, then she looks away—unmistakable that she's trying to hide the blush on her face.

Xiao flags down a server to get the bill. While waiting for it, the ringing from your phone grabs your attention. It’s a message from Jaesung.

*How are you and Xiao? We have a flight tomorrow. Just remember to come back safe and sound.*

You always appreciate Jaesung’s thoughtfulness. A couple quick taps on your phone, and you send a quick message to him, reassuring Jaesung that the two of you are having fun.

After the two of you pay up, you both exit the restaurant, entering the cold rainy night. You open the umbrella to immediately shield you and Xiao from the rain. It’s comfortably chilly compared to the warm restaurant you were in, the drops of rain splashing on the umbrella adding to the cozy atmosphere.

“Are you still free tonight?” she asks.

“Still got some time left. What’s up?”

Xiao hesitates for a moment before hooking her arms around your free arm.

“Can you take me home? Please?”

Her request tugs on your emotions. The full moon floats in the middle of the night sky—a reminder that you only have limited time with her. You feel this is the only chance you will get to spend more time with her.

“Of course, I can.”

Xiao leads the way through the empty streets. It feels like a calm, solemn walk—it's only you two in the area, with street lights lighting up the path. It's so silent that you hear the pitter-patter of the rain around you. You catch a whiff of petrichor, noticing how different it smells in another country. A sudden gush of wind blows in your direction, making you tighten onto the umbrella handle. You pull Xiao closer in to keep her more secure under your arm.

The two of you enter a park. As you walk along the path, you’re reminded of the one you frequented back in Korea when the girls needed fresh air—or some time alone. You would wait at one of the park benches—reading a book or listening to music—then one of the girls would call you to bring them home.

“This feels quite different, doesn’t it?” Xiao suddenly says out loud.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m still technically an idol. And we look like a couple, walking in a park. If we were in Korea… the reporters would have a field day.”

Back in Korea, parks are used by some celebrity couples for their secret rendezvous. Some reporters would wait late at night just for a quick scoop. The gossip of an idol dating would be scandalous, to say the least. Strangely, she brought up such a situation.

“I’m glad none of that is here,” she says.

Before you can say anything, Xiao’s hand slides down your arm, intertwining her fingers in yours. Her hand is soft—feathery even—and it fits well like a well-slotted puzzle piece. On closer inspection, some parts of her palm are slightly calloused, a testament to the hard work she has endured over the years.

You are taken so much by surprise that you stop in your tracks. It’s not like you haven’t held Xiao’s hand a couple of times—especially like a while ago—but not so openly in public and definitely not as intimately as this, her fingers laced around yours.

“Xiao—”

“Can you allow me this? Just for this moment, let me pretend we had a happy ending together.”

Happiness. Simple as a glass of chocolate or tortuous as the heart. Bitter. Sweet. Xiao’s melancholic voice is the icing on this bittersweet revelation. The timing of all of this is anything but fair. Often these things happen for no reason, and though we wish for an explanation, there just isn’t one.

“How long have you had feelings for me?” you manage to ask. You feel your own voice tremble at the weight of her words.

Xiao looks longingly into you, her eyes piercing the core of your person.

“For so painfully long.”

Lightning strikes in the distance. Xiao's confession turns you inside out, and there is no going back from it. Once a thunderbolt hits, your life can be irrevocably changed. You've fantasized about this moment for so long, but life had to be so cruel to have other plans for the two of you.

“I’m not exactly sure when it happened. Or even when it started. All I knew for sure was that I was falling so hard for you, and I prayed every night that you might feel the same way.”

“You’re very charming and kind. I've never known anyone so caring for anyone else. And you make me smile. That accounts for a lot," she added, choking up a bit.

You looked into her eyes and saw tears, and your eyes started welling too. Every fiber in your being wanted to wrap your arms around her. You wanted—no needed to tell her that tonight everything was going to be okay, for once she got that happy ending. No words can comfort an already bleeding heart.

So you did what you know best; let your actions do the talking.

You pull Xiao towards you, wrapping your free arm around her waist, making sure the umbrella still covers the two of you. Her chest presses against yours, and Xiao lets go of her hand to wrap her arms around your neck. Her wide eyes can’t settle between looking at your eyes or your lips.

“Oppa?”

“I’ve always wanted to hear those words from you, Xiao.”

“Then you mean…”

And then silence. The only sounds you could hear were the splashing raindrops and the distant thunder in the background. Once you cross this line, your relationship with Xiao will change forever. So you waited—until the crashing of booming thunder echoed the emotions cascading from your soul as you pressed against her lips.

Wise men say only fools rush in, but you can't help it when it comes to Xiao.

Your eyes flutter shut as you feel her soft lips draw every breath from yours, her fingers carding through your hair, feeling the thud of your combined heartbeat sync up to each other. Her insistent mouth parts your lips, Xiao flicking her tongue against yours, mewling into your mouth from the contact. Years of unbridled, pent-up emotion trickled into this kiss.

The two of you are forced to break the kiss to catch some air, leaning onto each other’s foreheads. You were so enthralled that you dropped the umbrella onto the ground—the two of you getting soaked in the rain—but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Xiao was in your arms, your true feelings known to her.

Before you can pull back a bit more, Xiao pulls you in for another mind-blowing kiss. This kiss will forever be in your memory as it trickles down your entire being, engraving the feeling of Xiao’s lips into your memory.

It was just the two of you in the pouring rain, and nothing else mattered.

_______________________________________________________________________

The front door creaks open as Xiao inputs the correct code to the door. As you enter her apartment, you're amazed to see how spacious and chic the living room is; a far cry from the cramped dorm where they lived as 13 girls. It might actually be possible that she could fit at least 13 people just within the space of her living room.

Xiao leads you to the kitchen island on the side of the room. She grabs two glasses from a drawer, fills them up with the water dispenser, and passes one to you. The warm water heats you up as you gulp it down, immediately feeling a warm buzz spreading all over your body. It slightly helps stave off the wet, cold feeling from your coat. Thankfully that was the only thing drenched from the rain, apart from your hair.

"Let me grab some towels. I'm freezing from the rain. I'll be back!"

Xiao disappears into the hallway. With nothing else to do, you decide to explore the living room. Her place feels homey, filled with the typical furniture—a couch in the middle, a side table right next to it, and a fluffy carpet to match. On the far end of the room is a cat castle, and you could barely make out an outline of Xiao's cat Susu fast asleep on the highest perch.

Picture frames fill up the table with photos of her family and friends. As you peruse them, two images grab your attention.

The first is a photo of 13 very familiar girls. Upon closer inspection, you realize it was the picture of their debut many years ago in that big gaming tournament. The innocent smiles remind you of simpler times, the start of humble beginnings for 13 young girls. Your heart swells with pride looking back on how far they've come, no matter how the meeting ended today.

The second photo surprises you; it’s a picture of the two of you dancing in formal wear. The smiles on your faces stretch out to the edges. The two of you hold on to each other so lovingly that anyone else would mistake you as a couple.

A towel suddenly lands over your head, obscuring your vision. Before you can turn around to see the culprit, her arms wrap around your waist. “That was one of my favorite memories.”

“How did you even get that photo?” you ask as you remove the towel obstructing your vision, using it to dry your hair.

“Exy took the picture. Believe it or not, she knew about my feelings for you. They all did.”

“No wonder they kept pushing you that night to me, especially to dance with you.”

"I’m glad we had that one dance," she says, and you barely catch a hint of sadness in her voice. Xiao lets go of you and takes the picture frame from the table. She traces it longingly.

“We can always do it again, someday,” you say with some melancholy in your words. You know it’s only comfort in your words, with little truth and confidence in them. If only you had the guts to even ask Xiao out on a date before, despite the circumstances.

Her eyes suddenly go wide, and she places the picture down. Xiao takes out her phone, and with a couple of taps, a familiar song plays around the room.

“Take my hand?”

As Xiao offers her hand, the piano's slow and haunting melody echoes around the room, taking you back to that moment with Xiao. Every note plays on your heartstrings, making the hair on your skin rise. You offer your hand in return. Like before, her soft hands carefully slide into yours as she guides you to the middle of the room.

Take my hand

Dejavu strikes you, overriding your senses, and sends your brain into autopilot. Your arms instinctively wrap around her curvy waist as her arms wrap around your neck securely. The two of you start to slowly sway to the music. You smell the sweet, rosy perfume that Xiao really loves to use. It hits you like a drug, your lungs taking it in as if it was oxygen to live on. You pull her closer, trying to engrave the feeling of her smooth and porcelain skin into your own.

Take my whole life too

You are Icarus—drawn to the sun's fiery light, running out of time, chasing the impossible. You would prefer this, however, then never find out Xiao returned these feelings for all these years. If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where the story stops.

For now, it has ended here, but your love for Xiao will always be immortalized in this memory.

For I can't help falling in love with you

You looked down to see Xiao looking back at you; her mouth was already waiting like a question. Her focus darts between your eyes and lips as she pulls you in slowly towards her face. She stops inches before your lips touch, feeling her breath brush against your mouth. All you can hear is the clock ticking down, the beating of your heart, and Xiao’s soft breathing.

"Please. Stay the night."

It was all the permission you needed. You waste no time and press your mouth against Xiao's plump lips. She did more than just not stop you; she kissed you back with such ferocity. It was earth-shattering—her soft lips against the bite of the liquor and sugary coke still on your tongue. Xiao fervently kisses you with such force that it feels like she's taking your breath away with every smack.

This is an entirely different situation; it screams of want, of need to commit this fleeting moment into a memory, for all the lost time to cascade into one final momentous passionate instant.

Your calves hit the couch behind you. You pull Xiao down as you sit down on it, making her straddle you and adding more to the passionate embrace. She breaks the kiss, leaning back to tie her hair into a ponytail. Not to leave you hanging, Xiao starts to rock her hips back and forth. It’s your turn to moan; you didn’t realize how hard you were until every grinding movement from Xiao sent shockwaves of pleasure up your spine.

Both of your hands move from her bottom to enter her shirt, exploring up and down her body. Her icy porcelain skin shivers on contact, Xiao purring to the warmth of your hands. Xiao grabs your hands and guides them to the back of her bra, allowing you to undress her. You hear her hum as the bra slackens around her, watching it loosen under her shirt. She pulls her shirt off with her bra—an unforgettable sight to behold. Xiao’s magnificent ample breasts bounced in the air, free from their constraints. Her light brown nipples were already taut from anticipation.

Your hand cups her breast, and Xiao groans as she closes her eyes. Going down from her lips, you kiss down her neck, hearing Xiao sigh when you inch closer to her chest. You kiss between her cleavage before diving and sucking lightly on a nub.

Xiao whimpers, hearing her voice reverberate through your eardrums. She leans back, giving you more access to her succulent bosom. Your tongue swirls around her tit while your fingers slightly twist and pull on the other, alternating from one bud to another. Xiao is putty in your hands and shakes from your ministrations. She tries to muffle herself with her hand, but her sweet, needy voice cracks through.

“Wait, wait! Slow down!” Her hands grasp your head, and you groan as you stop playing with her voluptuous globes. Xiao takes a couple breaths before speaking. “Let’s take this to my bed.”

She gets off you, pulls you up, and drags you into the adjacent hallway. Xiao giggles while pulling you along for the ride, and eventually, you reach her room. It has a spacious queen-sized bed, definitely enough for the two of you. Xiao guides you onto the bed—the two of you settling by the headboard—and continues where you left off by straddling you again and taking the lead this time.

Off goes your shirt, taken away by Xiao and thrown haphazardly somewhere in the room. She caresses your chest, admiring your fitness, before diving into your neck. A nibble from her teeth causes you to shiver, making you catch your breath as she marks your neck as hers. You keep your hands to your sides, enjoying how Xiao takes charge.

With a quick peck, she kisses down your chest, and you watch as Xiao crawls downwards to your groin. Positioning herself between your legs, she palms your bulge, and a groan escapes from your throat as she lightly squeezes. She looks up to you before pulling on the hem of your pants. You nod back, helping her unbuckle the fastener and Xiao tears off your pants and underwear.

Your rod is released from its confines. Xiao’s mouth goes agape at your size, her eyes running up and down its length. She grasps it with one hand, slowly pumping you. Xiao is delicate with you, a warm hand going up and down your shaft, the other hand gently cupping and massaging your balls.

“Fuck—go a bit faster, Xiao.”

She doesn't follow. Instead, you watch as her tongue joins in the fray, first licking your head, her tongue circling and lapping up your pre-cum. Xiao looks up to you with those doe-like eyes that send even more shockwaves up your spine. She kisses the top of your head before sucking down on it hard. Your breath hitches at the sensation, your stomach flexing from her actions. Time is agonizingly slow as you watch Xiao in between your legs, erotically pleasure you for the first time.

Xiao abruptly stops her ministrations, letting go of you. You’re about to protest before she wags her finger at you, a mischievous glint in her eyes. Xiao then lines your cock between her breasts and squeezes, enveloping your shaft with her tits. She then slowly slides them up and down; thanks to her previous work, you easily slide in and out of her cleavage. She never breaks eye contact with you, catching the tip of your head with her mouth and giving it a couple of flicks with her tongue.

This new sensation is mind-numbing. Tit-fucking does not feel as close to actual fucking, but it is just crazier to see Xiao in such an erotic position. You cannot help but thrust as you feel your abdomen gets tighter with every passing moment.

Your arms shoot to Xiao’s shoulders, keeping her in place. You did not want to blow your load too early; the night was very well young. Xiao understands and releases your cock from her pillowy confides, placing a quick peck on your tip. She slowly pumps you; the sheen of saliva coating your shaft makes it easier for her hand to slide up and down.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

You chuckle at her silly question. “I’m definitely more than okay. Now it’s your turn.”

Xiao crawls up beside you. Taking the lead, you surprise her by kissing her as she lies on the bed. It takes effort to be as delicate as possible, careful not to put pressure on her with your weight. You line kisses down her chest—making sure to give her delectable pair a good squeeze as you pass them—down to her toned abs and finally settle between her thighs.

You unbutton her jeans, and Xiao lifts her legs to help you remove her pants. She slowly opens her legs for you, revealing a damp spot in the middle of her white lace panties. Planting kisses first on her feet, you line more kisses up her legs, eventually ending up by her inner thighs. She tenses up as you inch closer to her core. Your curious fingers push on the fabric, and she whimpers; Xiao’s dripping wet.

A foot nudges you on your side. “Stop teasing, Oppa,” she says, her voice laced with impatience. Xiao bites her finger in anticipation, waiting for your next move.

You oblige her request, and without delay, you help take off the last of her clothing. You posture up first to take in the hair-raising sight before you; Xiao is now fully bare in front of you, and no words can describe how ethereal she is in her most vulnerable form. This is a moment that will be etched forever in your memory. Not wanting to prolong the suspense, you dive right in and lick up her folds.

Xiao gasps loudly to the initial touch of your tongue, raising her hips up. Your arms quickly pin her down as you lap her up. She’s intoxicatingly sweet, getting you high faster than the highball you’ve consumed earlier. She squirms under your touch, her hand gripping the bed sheets, threatening to rip them to shreds. You shock her by inserting two fingers, Xiao’s tight cavern surrendering to your digits. You watch as her glassy eyes roll slightly up before closing, her face contorting with pleasure. The moans of absolute bliss are music to your ears.

“Fuck, that’s so good.”

Xiao is never vulgar with you, which absolutely turns you on. Your tongue moves up and down faster, never giving Xiao a moment of respite. She reaches out for your hand to help distract her from the overwhelming pleasure coursing through her, but it’s not enough to stop the inevitable, as she moans louder and her walls get increasingly tight around your fingers.

“A-ah—fuck! I-I’m close!”

With one last flick on her clit, Xiao explodes in waves of pleasure as she cums on you. You do your best to catch every drop, feeling some of her juices overflow onto parts of your jaw. Her thighs grip you like a vise while her nails bore into your hand. It’s a pain that hurts too good.

As her hold on you loosens up, you kiss up her body. Still overly stimulated from her peak, she shakes from every contact with your lips. You pass her abdomen, her chest, finally reaching her lips with a kiss.

“I don’t want to ever forget this day,” Xiao says, her voice soft and delicate.

“Let’s make it memorable then.”

You line up your head to the entrance of her slit. You look into her eyes one more time. “Are you ready?”

Xiao nods and gives you a chaste kiss. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

You slowly insert yourself. As soon as your head penetrates her, the immense tightness of her walls almost overwhelms you. Both of you are speechless; Xiao's mouth is also agape. You try to moan or grunt, but you are just swamped with pleasure. Xiao arches her back. She tries to muffle her moans against your neck, Xiao pulling you closer and simultaneously pulling you deeper into her.

“Oppa—you’re so big,” she moans, groaning louder as you sink further and stretch her out more. You gather Xiao in your arms while her legs wrap around your butt, deepening your connection. You pause when your length is fully embedded in her. The two of you take deep breaths; it takes a couple of moments for you to get accustomed to the sensation of her, savoring the warm, encompassing feeling.

“Try moving Oppa, but go slow, please.”

Now that you are used to the feeling, you pull halfway out of Xiao and gently thrust back in. The two of you groan as you fill her up to the hilt. Thrust after thrust, you develop a slow yet comfortable rhythm. Her breasts heave with every deep thrust. Xiao whimpers with each stroke. You look down at her, and she is as beautiful as ever—glassy eyes that focus on you, lips partly parted from panting, cheeks flushed from pleasure.

She pulls you down and kisses you. You taste your shared breaths and feel the combined thud of your heartbeats as your bodies synchronize, moving as one in your fiery embrace. You suddenly feel a sharp pleasurable sensation nipping onto the side of your neck, causing you to gasp. Xiao’s teeth sink into flesh as she sucks and nibbles on your pulse point.

You return the favor by increasing the tempo of your thrusts. Your cock pistons in and out sustainedly, hitting Xiao's sensitive spots deep and hard. Xiao breaks the kiss and squeals loudly, grasping onto you tightly. Her nails scrape across your back, making you hiss and add to the mixture of pain and pleasure.

Xiao starts to shake suddenly—her walls rapidly contract around you as she reaches her limits first, succumbing to her second orgasm of the night. Xiao brushes her fingers through your hair, clinging helplessly around you, trying to pull you over to the peak with her. You stay still, feeling her contract around you, watching her squirm and mewl from her climax. To help calm Xiao down from her high, you pepper kisses around her face, holding her tenderly in your arms.

It takes a couple moments before Xiao relaxes around you. She kisses your cheek. “I wanna be on top,” she whispers. With you still embedded inside of her, you roll over, your back on the bed and deeper in Xiao in this position.

Xiao plants her hands on your chest, slightly raking you. "F-fuck, even deeper!"

She moans at your size, groaning louder as she sinks further onto you. You pull her in to fervently capture her lips as the two of you try to get used to the indescribable tighter feeling. You taste your shared breaths as her voice hums around your face. Xiao then starts grinding, moving, and gyrating those thick hips on hers.

All you can do is nod as she starts to rock her hips, your mind blanks and is only filled with Xiao. You moan from her movements, your toes curling into the mattress. Her bed creaks steadily in the background, matching the sounds of your slapping flesh. Your hands move to her butt, kneading her cheeks to guide her motions. You watch as Xiao’s glassy eyes roll slightly up before refocusing back to you. “Fuck, you’re so deep in me.”

Getting a gather of her rhythm, you start to move your hips, grinding back into her. You knead, squish, and fondle her breasts, watching them heave with your every thrust. Xiao’s moans and screams reverberate throughout the room. Her walls gradually tighten around you, and you feel her impending climax. You hasten it by looking for her clit and rubbing it, pushing her to the limit.

“Ah—I’m—!” Xiao lets out a scream of delight. Her body starts to tremble, and she falls forward onto your chest. You feel her pussy clench as Xiao enters her third orgasm of the night. She quivers in your hold, clinging tightly onto you while still trying to ride you to your orgasm. Xiao is leaking, absolutely lost in her ecstasy as you wildly thrust into her. Your body starts to shake as you try to hold out a bit longer. Her walls contract around you long enough for her to finally pull you over to the edge.

“Xiao, I’m about to—”

“In me, in me, please!”

A warmth surrounds you as you fill and spread your white seed along Xiao’s walls as she threatens to milk every ounce of you. She hums at the feeling of your semen filling her to the brim. Xiao peppers you with kisses around your face, trying to bring you down from your high. Your breathing returns to normal. The pulsations finally stop, but you decide to stay in her, savoring the moment.

It feels like an eternity passes while the two of you recover, only hearing the sounds of each other's breathing fills the room. The sheets were ruffled, the pillows scattered around the bed, your bodies entangled in the embrace and covered in sweat and other bodily fluids. Xiao rolls off to the side, and the results of your affair slightly drip onto your legs. The two of you are too tired to clean the mess, drawing the blanket over your bodies.

“I wish we could just run away and live like this forever, just the two of us,” Xiao says, not hiding the sadness in her voice. Xiao embraces you and settles her head on the crook of your neck.

Your arm pulls her in. You give her a kiss on her forehead. “A nice beach house by the sea, just the two of us.” Your eyes start to get heavy. You try to fight the sleep off but to no avail, and close your eyes.

Xiao yawns, hugging you tighter in her embrace.

“I don’t want this to end.”

It was barely a whisper, but you heard it. If only this were like the movies—the credits roll, the audience cheers, and the guy gets the girl. Sadly, these were the cards that were dealt.

“I wish we had more time,” you whisper back.

Xiao places one more kiss on your lips, and sleep finally takes you.

The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye; the story of love is hello and goodbye until you can ever meet again.

———————————————————————————————————

The first thing you notice as you gain awareness from your sleep is that it is cold. The upper half of your body wasn’t covered by your blanket, only relying on the shared body heat from last night.

The second thing you notice is that the bed feels emptier; you feel around for him, but you frown when you realize he left earlier than expected. You open your eyes, hoping to see him come out of the shower, but after a few minutes, it highly seems that won't be likely.

The third thing you finally realize is that your body is sore. The two of you made love last night—all the years of pent-up and unbridled emotion were finally laid out. You stretch yourself out on the bed; it still feels like last night was all just a dream.

After taking a quick shower, you enter the living room to be greeted by Susu. As a part of her every morning routine, Susu leads you to the kitchen to be fed.

Entering the kitchen, you approach the fridge and notice a sheet of paper pinned on by a magnet. Your heart skips a beat; recognize the handwriting.

You take the letter off the fridge and start to read it.

My dearest Xiao,

I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, but I had to leave early to catch a flight back to Korea.

He was always thoughtful, no matter what the situation. He didn't need to write a letter, but it meant the world he did.

There's so much to say. I want to start from the beginning because it's what you deserve. I want to tell you everything from the bottom of my heart. But where do I even begin?

Your vision gets blurry, and it's suddenly getting harder to breathe.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. You’ve changed me forever. And I’ll never forget you.

Tears drop onto the paper, and you cover your mouth to stifle the sobs. In another life, you had your happiness together.

I love you Xiao

AN: Well... it’s been a minute! I actually meant to post this way last month around June. I... actually was away for a while. I don’t want to go into details in this post, but I had to shut myself away and go into hiatus from a lot of things because I developed an anxiety disorder.

I got back to writing last week, and I’m still trying to catch up to all my fellow writer’s works! I really missed writing, but I’m still technically on “hiatus” because I need to build myself up first again. I only finished this because I didn’t want to waste this idea.

This piece was super fun to make, especially because Xiao doesn’t have enough fics, and it was my first time writing angst! I tried to my utmost ability to edit myself and do other things myself because I want this fic to show everyone this could be the start after a hiatus. And the dynamic between the Chinese girls and WJSN was such a fun concept to explore. And if you guys didn’t get it in the end, it was Xiao’s POV. A writing technique I’ve always wanted to try!

Lastly, it was her birthday recently! So belated Xiao xiao!

Anyways, I’m glad to have posted. Till next time everyone!

#cheng xiao #smut #wjsn #kpop smut #male reader #wjsn smut

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hunxi-after-hours · 1 year

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hunxi’s danmei awards 2.0! (aka 2022 edition)

Featuring the return of some categories such as:

Best Worldbuilding

Best Interrogation of Themes (aka the “Rent-Free Award”)

Best Moment That Wrecked Me (aka the Knifiest Award)

Best Beleaguered Side Character Award

Best Unreliable Narrator

As well as never-before-seen categories like:

Best Himbo

Most Brilliant Moment of Backstabbery

Most Ambitious Scope

Most Heartwrenching Line Delivery in an Audiodrama

…and more!

This year’s candidates in the running:

《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu by 一十四洲 Yi Shi Si Zhou

《不小心救了江湖公敌》 Bu Xiao Xin Jiule Jianghu Gong Di by 六木乔 Liu Muqiao (有声漫画 audiomanhua season 1)

《无双》 Wu Shuang by 梦溪石 Meng Xishi

《问鹿三千》 Wen Lu San Qian by 光合积木 Voicegem, 吼浪文化 Houlang Studio, and 斗木獬编剧工作室 Doumuxie Screenwriting Studio

《师弟还不杀我灭口》 Shidi Hai Bu Sha Wo Mie Kou by 子鹿 Zi Lu

《默读》 Mo Du by priest

《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su

《海中爵》 Hai Zhong Jue by 七药 Qi Yao

《哏儿》 Gen’er by 南北逐风 Nan Bei Zhu Feng

《杀破狼》 Sha Po Lang by priest

《金牌助理之弯弯没想到》 Jin Pai Zhu Li zhi Wan Wan Mei Xiang Dao by (nominally) 非天夜翔 Fei Tian Ye Xiang and (mostly) 传奇火箭队 The Legendary Rocket Team

(unmarked spoilers, including but not limited to these titles, under the cut. for introductions of these titles, click here. for last year’s danmei awards, click here)

Best Worldbuilding

Winner: 《杀破狼》 Sha Po Lang by priest

This award goes to 《杀破狼》 Sha Po Lang for the effortless ease with which p大 manages to merge the genres of imperial intrigue, steampunk mecha, alternate history, and wuxia elements. Over the course of the novel, priest explores how the development of 紫流金-based technology leads the fictional Liang Dynasty into industrial revolution, and doesn’t hesitate to include all the negative consequences of early industrialization. So you’ve rolled out mechanical alternatives for farming? Have fun dealing with the uprisings of unemployed farmers while fending off international threats on your borders. So you want to roll out paper currency/government bonds to stimulate your war-torn economy? Good luck even getting people to trust the validity of paper the way they trust the hardness of coin. In a way, 《杀破狼》 Sha Po Lang carries on the tradition set down in priest’s earlier novel 《七爷》 Qi Ye of protagonists using decidedly underhanded methods to effect the change they wish to see in the world, and the morality thereof remains just as thorny in 《杀破狼》. what would you do in the name of peace? how much of yourself can you give away before you are no longer the same person?

oh and I have to give a shout-out to the trains in this book, I’d give this award to 《杀破狼》 Sha Po Lang for its (re-)invention of trains alone

Best Interrogation of Themes (aka the “Rent-Free Award”)

Winner: 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu by 一十四洲 Yi Shi Si Zhou

I listened to 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu via audiodrama before I read the novel, and every time I finished an episode I would have to just sit for a few hours, processing. Despite its seemingly lighthearted premise, 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu shows us an apocalypse in all its cruel magnificence. The oppressive atmosphere of unending martial law, the seductive proximity of despair, the omnipresence and unpredictability of death, the utter lack of justice or closure or meaning in a world slowly grinding to a halt, the vast, inhuman lengths civilization will go to in the name of survival... to this day, 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu haunts the solemnity of my early mornings with questions like what would you condone to survive? and wherein lies the locus of meaning when everything it means to be human has been stripped away? and like. I haven’t been the same since my mushroom phase, okay

Best Beleaguered Side Character Award

Winner: Ji Bolan from 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu by 一十四洲 Yi Shi Si Zhou

This poor man had to deal with his childhood friend growing up to be a governmentally-licensed and universally-reviled mass murderer, the complete breakdown of the laws of physics, and witnessing Lu Feng and An Zhe flirt in front of his salad soup, all during the apocalypse that he is frantically trying to solve. Frankly, he’s allowed to roast Lu Feng as much as he wants, and the fact that he’s voiced by the same person who did AD!Jiang Cheng and AD!Xiao Zheng (winner of last year’s Best Beleaguered Side Character Award) is 1) extremely funny, 2) very on-brand, and 3) further proof that being in voice actor fandom 其乐无穷

Best Moment That Wrecked Me (aka the Knifiest Award)

Winner: 《默读》 Mo Du by priest

The character of Fei Du in priest’s 《默读》 is easily the character who had me clawing at the walls the most for the better part of this year (I’m still clawing at the walls, if we’re being honest). I am in love with everything about the way priest wrote him; from his introduction as the flamboyantly aggravating playboy chasing after Tao Ran (brilliant character work there as well as brilliant comedy, 感谢陶然不弯之恩 etc etc) to the slow, methodical reveal of his backstory and how deeply, deeply traumatized he is, Fei Du is one of the most complex and intelligent and nuanced and terribly lovable meow meows characters I’ve had the good fortune to run into

To pick a single Fei Du moment? A single one? Well if I have to choose, unfortunately it’s going to have to be chapter 180 朗诵（五） for the simple reason that it hurts me:

他恨不能撕裂时空，大步闯入七年前，一把抱起那个沉默的孩子，双手捧起他从不流露的伤痕，对他说一句“对不起，我来晚了”。

[Luo Wenzhou] wished he could tear apart time, to barge back into that moment seven years ago and pick up that silent child, to cradle those hidden wounds and say to him, “I’m sorry I was late.”

“我来晚了……”

“I was late...”

直到上了救护车，费渡才好像是有了点意识，难以聚焦的目光在骆闻舟脸上停留了许久，大概是认出了他，竟露出了一个微笑。

Fei Du only seemed to recover a semblance of consciousness when they loaded him into the ambulance. His eyes, unfocused, stopped on Luo Wenzhou’s face for a while before smiling slightly.

骆闻舟艰难地看懂了他无声的唇语。

Luo Wenzhou read his words in the soundless shape of his lips with difficulty.

他说：“没有了……怪物都清理干净了，我是最后一个，你可不可以把我关在你家？”

He said, “They’re all gone... All the monsters are taken care of, I’m the last one. Can you lock me up in your house?”

I’m just. if you need me I’ll be screaming about sunflowers in the abyss

Best Unreliable Narrator

Winner: Yan Zhuoqing and the Deer God of 《问鹿三千》 Wen Lu San Qian by 光合积木 Voicegem, 吼浪文化 Houlang Studio, and 斗木獬编剧工作室 Doumuxie Screenwriting Studio

surprising shortage of unreliable narrators in this year’s contenders, but 《问鹿三千》 makes up for it by having not one, but TWO unreliable narrators involved. can you believe that BOTH of these semi-immortal dumbasses have amnesia? smh Deer God you’re literally the god of time and memory, how you’ve even gotten this far I’ve got no idea

honorable mention: Fei Du from 《默读》 by priest. this man had the audacity to say the words “我没有创伤” / “I’m not traumatized” after asking for Luo Wenzhou’s assistance in recovering some of his repressed memories that he’d blocked out because of the — you guessed it — trauma

Best Himbo

Winner: Situ Jin from 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su

I think it’s safe to say that Situ Jin is a Very Good Egg With No Braincells Whatsoever. None. This man had to be bullied into a hurt/comfort scenario by his future wife, and when she came to him for comfort, grieving her father’s death, he responded to her “now I’m all alone” with “don’t cry: you’re one, I’m one, together we’re two.” proud of u for basic math, bro, but is now really the time. his other highlights include: thinking dreamily about his wife while in prison, defending innocent bystanders regardless the personal cost, and continually failing to seek medical attention while bleeding out

Side Character I’m Still Mad About (aka the Gongyi Xiao Award)

Winner: Fu Luo from 《海中爵》 Hai Zhong Jue by 七药 Qi Yao

so it turns out that I am Weak for this very specific kind of character, the one who is a Good Kid, the one who tries their best to be responsible and reasonable, the one who could honestly be a protagonist in another novel. double points if you can trust them with a spreadsheet (Bian Yanmei), triple points if they’re delightfully lowkey devoted to the actual protagonist (can I get a wahoo for the Jiangzuo Alliance in here??)

and you know what the author does? murders them with prejudice

tl;dr I’m still not over Fu Luo, because like oh man that scene was well done but also ouch

"most memeworthy/meme-able"

(this one’s for you, @presumenothing)

Winner: 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su

I mean I literally—

this book is a Very Serious and Somewhat Grimdark book, but I have to say the sheer amount of misunderstandings that occur are comical in their quantity. have you ever met two people more in love with each other and less capable of uttering a single sentence about it, it is only by the grace of the author that these two didn’t murder each other before their happy ending at the many given opportunities throughout the book

"most deserving of a shenshen OST"

(this one’s also for you, @presumenothing, ty for all the brilliant category recs)

Winner: ........?

this is such an interesting award category to consider, because it’s like asking “which one of these texts would you like to hand a steak knife to gut you with,” but it also begs the question of what a shenshen OST would bring to the text that the existing music/adaptation doesn’t. it also raises the question of what kind of narrative (grand, sweeping, vast in scale or minute, gentle, heartbreaking?) would be most compatible with a shenshen OST?

my first thought was 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu, since it has both the monumental scope and the fragile, breakable heart that shenshen OST’s are so suited for (他只是一个小蘑菇 goodbYE—), but the music of the 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu AD is already so perfect I don’t actually want to add anything to it. my next thought would be 《问鹿三千》 Wen Lu San Qian — again, for that blend of scale and sorrow, wistfulness at what can never be and gratitude for what we have. but 《问鹿》 also has five songs already, and while a shenshen OST would be nice, it most certainly isn’t necessary

so I think I’m going to cheat and give this award to a title that isn’t even on the list of candidates this year, one that already has a shenshen OST: 《天宝伏妖录》 Tian Bao Fu Yao Lu by 非天夜翔 Fei Tian Ye Xiang, which has the great fortune to have Zhou Shen’s 《天地为念》 for its ongoing donghua title song. what a beautiful, meditative song; what an ethereal, gently sorrowful melody. extra brownie points because I maintain that Zhou Shen and 锦鲤 Jin Li (the voice of Kong Hongjun) are counterparts of each other in their respective industries, and also because I’m ride or die for both of them

"most untranslatable ever"

(category shout-out to — you guessed it — @presumenothing)

Winner: oh ABSOLUTELY 《金牌助理之弯弯没想到》 Jin Pai Zhu Li zhi Wan Wan Mei Xiang Dao by 非天夜翔 Fei Tian Ye Xiang and 传奇火箭队 The Legendary Rocket Team

I consider myself fairly proficient in audiodramas on 猫耳FM as a medium/genre now; I’m familiar with the ways script adaptation dovetails with post-production, the roles the voice directors and producers and casts play, the different twists that can happen with 报幕, what names to keep an eye out for while checking out the production team... so when I say that this audiodrama knocked me flat on the ass when I first listened to it, I really do mean that I was in no way prepared for the chaos that was to come. where do I even begin to describe it? the speed? the unhinged energy? the unending 吐槽 / roasts? the brilliant comedic pacing? the extremely 洗脑片尾曲？whatever the hell this is?

this audiodrama is not only the most untranslatable ever due to the high concentration of internet and culture-specific slang, but also apparently the most impossible to explain ever. idk. listen to this AD and lose your mind

Most Brilliant Moment of Backstabbery

Winner: ch. 116 of 《无双》 Wu Shuang by 梦溪石 Meng Xishi

I described 《无双》 Wu Shuang as “a book about roasting your rival first, saving your dynasty second,” but perhaps didn’t do justice to the sheer lengths these two will go to one-up each other. I’d like to take this moment to recognize a certain flamboyant demonic sect leader (that is somehow not Yan Wushi) for not just habitually backstabbing (gently, for funsies) his love interest but also getting some frontstabbery (once, with great intention) in as well. truly, no one out here is doing it like Feng Xiao

honorable mention: 《不小心救了江湖公敌》 Bu Xiao Xin Jiule Jianghu Gong Di by 六木乔 Liu Muqiao, for the sheer quantity of backstabbing that occurs. maybe this is simply what happens when all of your characters are professional evildoers at fluctuating levels of retirement

Best Comfort Media

Winner: 《哏儿》 Gen’er by 南北逐风 Nan Bei Zhu Feng

earlier this year, I went around asking various people: what makes a book, movie, or other text comfort media for you? listening to the answers, it occurred to me that I don’t really have texts that I turn to on a semi-regular basis to re-read or re-watch. especially because my favorite books tend to be the ones that rip my heart out through my throat, the idea of choosing a “comfort read” from among them seems somewhat, er, misguided

and then I ran into 《哏儿》 Gen’er, which is the only text I’ve chosen to carry over from last year’s danmei awards because the second season of the AD aired this year. this webnovel/AD is also, genre-wise, the outlier in this year’s awards — no magic, no speculative elements, not a single sword in sight, just slice-of-life, daily trials and tribulations, characters balancing budgets and bantering backstage and discussing art over hotpot. the cast and characters of 《哏儿》 feel real and lived-in in a way that is so deeply precious to me; at times throughout the year, I would simply cue up the beginning of S2E2 to listen to the first fifteen minutes or so to quiet down. the ongoing discussions threaded throughout the narrative about the roles of traditional culture and art in modern society, how to adapt traditional forms to contemporary values and preferences, and the ever-relevant question of how to get other people to care about things you love... 《哏儿》 hits different, hits real close to home, asks thought-provoking questions in a gentle, lighthearted manner in a way that is totally unique among the danmei works I’ve read, so here I am, conferring this new, foreign honor upon it. it’s a first for both of us!

Most Ambitious Scope

Winner: 《问鹿三千》 Wen Lu San Qian by 光合积木 Voicegem, 吼浪文化 Houlang Studio, and 斗木獬编剧工作室 Doumuxie Screenwriting Studio

I know, I know — very bold of me to give this award to an audiodrama that’s still airing, that we don’t know if it’ll ever be completed, but I still have to take a moment to yell about this completely original episodic gufeng AD, because like... wow. there is no answer key; there is no original work; there is no blueprint to work off of, no pre-existing fanbase of readers to appeal to. this entire project with its xuanhuan scope will succeed or fail based on its merits alone, and what scope it has, too — from the five voice actor songs (I guess everyone in 光合积木 can sing too??? sure that’s fine I guess) to penning scripts that play specifically to the voice actors’ strengths, to engaging with thorny dynamics of family and relationship and devotion and misalignment, I think it’s real gutsy of the 《问鹿》 creative team to embark on such a vast and ambitious project, and carry it off as well as they did. now it’s just 乖巧坐等更新.jpeg hours, fingers crossed they come back for a season 2

Best Work I Was Songbaited Into

Winner: 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu by 一十四洲 Yi Shi Si Zhou

Definitely the first thing that even put 《小蘑菇》 Xiao Mo Gu on my radar was 奇然’s 《风过荒野》 appearing in my YouTube algorithm. The song’s arrangement is haunting, lyrical, and so unlike any other AD song I’ve ever heard. The second season’s 《极光入夜》 is also transcendent in lyrics, composition, and the fact that both of the main voice actors can sing 哎呦还让人活吗—and don’t even get me started on the beautiful piano and string covers they work into the soundtrack! 声罗万象请受我一拜！

let’s put it this way: I actually went out of my way to translate the 《小蘑菇》 songs (here and here) for how hard they go. one day I’ll get over the lines “玫瑰静默凋谢” and “审判是我于你的吻别” but today will not be that day

honorable mention: 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su, for having the opposite energy of the 《默读》 AD asdlfskdfjs no less than FIVE original songs composed for a THREE season AD. I was on the fence about listening to this AD until I heard 远皓ZIL’s 《燃灯》, which immediately joined my playlist before I’d even read the book. Again, the lyricism, the arrangement, the melancholy, deeply thoughtful atmosphere of the song got me interested in exactly what kind of maddeningly angsty plot could result in these lyrics:

我愿抚拂前尘燃着灯做你归途的引 / I would brush away the dust of our past and light a lamp, and be what guides you back

只求你破迷津渡极乐回首看我在等 / I only pray that you break free from the labyrinth and deliver paradise, to look back and see me waiting

我匍匐入尘埃叩长阶奉上所有虔诚 / I crawl through the dirt, pressing my forehead to the stone steps of the long stairway, offering up all of my piety

只为听你亲将相思说那纸情书太薄 / just to hear you say, yearning for me, that this love letter is too thin

不载残生颠簸无你我苦不可脱 / it cannot carry what’s left of our tumultuous lives — without you or me, life would be bitter with no escape

Audiodrama Adaptation with the Strongest First Episode

Winner: 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su

Adaptation is a delicate and tricky practice; how do you accommodate for the limits of production, the requirements of medium, when it comes to translating a work across dimensions? And particularly when it comes to AD’s, how can you capture a listener’s attention within the first few episodes, to bait them into the story and make them willing to pay money to unlock what happens next?

this award has to go to 珞玉 Luo Yu and 子穆木 Zi Mumu for their adaptation of 杨溯 Yang Su’s novel 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing. The book itself runs chronologically, from the two main characters first meeting each other as children, the months they spend together, their sudden (and deeply traumatic) parting, and then resumes the narrative the next time they meet each other seven years down the line, attempting to kill each other (in their defense, it was dark, and neither of them were sure if the other survived the massacre that separated them in the first place). Episode 1 “故人来” of the AD begins with that reunion as Shen Jue, disposing of a body, finds an injured assassin just outside the palace walls. They grapple in the dark until they recognize each other, and the way post-production editing fills in their backstory through a quick, tantalizing flashback and brings the listener back out of it by overlapping young!Xiahou Lian and present!Xiahou Lian saying the same lines (“shaoye, remember: don’t look back, don’t say anything—”)... well done, well played, I sure paid money to listen to the rest of this AD

Audiodrama Adaptation with the Strongest First Ten Minutes

Winner: 《海中爵》 Hai Zhong Jue by 七药 Qi Yao

haha I think I’m hilarious, but while 《督主》 has the strongest first episode I would also like to shout out how good the first ten minutes of 《海中爵》 Hai Zhong Jue are. seamless transition from baby Hailian to adult Hailian, from quiet lullaby to sea battle, and establishing Hailian’s sass, competence, kindness, and swashbuckling swagger as well as introducing Fang Tinglan (and his shamelessness asldfksj). credit has to go to the director 齐杰, the scriptwriter 虾仁猪心@一梦还江月, and the post-production editor 时柒@丶为之奈何 for pacing the opening scene so well, and an extra special shout-out to 梅梅 (韬韬你是最棒的) for the funniest little “bye~~~” as he throws someone off a boat

Most Heartwrenching Line Delivery in an Audiodrama (aka the Knifiest Award, audio edition)

Winner: S1E7 of the 《默读》Mo Du audiodrama

I can yell for years about how talented voice actors are, but there are specific moments while listening where I have to pause for a second or ten and silently mouth “damn”

杨天翔 Yang Tianxiang’s performance as Fei Du in season 1, episode 7 of the 《默读》 Mo Du audiodrama knocks it out of the goddamn solar system with the plaza broadcast scene — this was a scene that I was pretty eh on in the novel, but after listening to it in the AD... 当! 场! 封! 神! with Yang Tianxiang’s measured delivery, the slow excavation of the depth of Fei Du’s anguish, the forced steadiness of his voice when he says “你们如果都这么狠心，为什么以前还要表现出好像很在乎我们的样子?” / “If all of you were always this cruel, why did you pretend to care about us so much in the beginning?” underlaid by the devastatingly quiet, melancholy piano backing of 《以沫》 that then kicks into the sequence that culminates in 何忠义 He Zhongyi’s “等我回来!” / “Wait for me to come home!”... (silently screams into a paper bag) I’m not okay and I haven’t been okay for months

Honorable Mentions:

S2E2 “也恨相逢” of 《督主有病》 Du Zhu You Bing by 杨溯 Yang Su: specifically for 梅梅’s line “少爷，这是我的命” / “shaoye, this is my fate.” for a scene that didn’t even exist in the original novel... hot damn wow

E12 “绝不复寡“ of 《师弟还不杀我灭口》 Shidi Hai Bu Sha Wo Mie Kou by 子鹿 Zi Lu: 锦鲤 has the range and this AD proves it! While he spends most of the AD being generally the comedic, satirical commentary, Zhong Yan/Qin Mingxi absolutely begging, tears in his voice, for Gu Xuanyan to leave him to die in this scene? look I’m not immune to this trope either

S1E13·上 of 《问鹿三千》 Wen Lu San Qian by 光合积木 Voicegem, 吼浪文化 Houlang Studio, and 斗木獬编剧工作室 Doumuxie Screenwriting Studio: (cups hands around mouth, yells) 马! 老! 师! it’s hard to explain the heartbreaking context of the line I have in mind without giving away the entire story, but 马正阳’s throat-scraping scream of “我要你爱我” / “I want you to love me!” is wince-inducing from the sheer force of the raw anguish in it

wooooo and that’s a wrap! thanks for tuning into the 2022 danmei awards :)

looking forward at my reading list, I’m not sure I’ll be doing a 2023 round since my reading is taking me in different directions and I simply might not have enough candidates to fill out a whole awards post next year (and I suspect I’ll have gone so far off the map that people won’t even have the faintest idea what I’m talking about anymore asldkfajsd)

it’s been fun!!! catch you all in the new year!!

#came for the mushroom stayed for the mushroom #saving your kingdom while burnt out: the imperial intrigue steampunk wuxia light mecha alternate historical novel #voice(bear) appreciation hours #《督主有病》#《无双》 backlog #guess who walked into and out of the abyss while y'all weren't looking #新年快乐送你们一篇博君一笑

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