#maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like
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Im obsessed with the fact that at literally the faintest hint that things are now ok between thrm, Jamie from then on is just draped over Sam at every opportunity, and Sam just goes with it
yes! that’s part of why i think samjamie works a lot better than royjamie! unlike roy, who takes around 6 months to process and accept jamie’s friendship, sam is immediately aware of and accepting of the fact that jamie just decided they’re besties. they both just mutually decided to protect and love each other one day and have no regrets about it! i also can’t really picture them getting into any “fights” as a couple, maybe just a few disagreements here and there about certain things like what color pillowcases they should buy, which movies they should watch (jamie is getting tired of watching ratatouille every single time), etc. but they’re so willing to put up with each others quirks that i don’t think there would be fights about one of them being too clingy or stuff like that. i think the most that they would really argue about would probably be if they thought that the other was putting themselves in a dangerous situation or something like that (sam worried about jamie getting in touch with his father). there’s also a much healthier power and age dynamic with them!
while i do believe that if roy put in the work to even out the power between him and jamie, we haven’t really seen that happen in canon. in fact, roy tends to do the opposite whether he realizes it or not (again the ‘ugly boy’ thing, and some other stuff). whereas sam and jamie don’t have that big of an age gap and are both at a pretty much equal power balance. i also think that it would be beneficial for both of them to be in a relationship where the power balance was equal, because of their respective histories (sam with rebecca, jamie’s whole entire backstory). even jamie’s relationship with keeley was bit unbalanced considering she was responsible for his pr and was about 10 years older than him, and she had a very well established career at that point. again, while i don’t really think these characters are malicious towards jamie, they still do have power over him that they in some ways abuse, even unintentionally. i love keeley but i think that she was also a bit toxic in behavior towards jamie, since she doesn’t really communicate her boundaries and gets mad when he understand them, and she’s been shown to be very petty about certain things throughout the show. when roy asks her for help during mom city, she ends up making jamie feel worse which shows that she doesn’t really understand him or how to comfort him at all, which is a bit worrying considering they were probably in a relationship for a good while.
sam gives jamie space but still supports him when he needs to and i don’t think he’d have any trouble communicating how he feels. he’s probably one of the most emotionally mature/developed characters on the show despite being one of the youngest, and while he does mess up he tries to rectify those mistakes any way he can. he also has no problems standing up for other people’s privacy/boundaries as we see in 3x09 when he says they shouldn’t speculate on isaac’s sexuality and just be there for him. whereas roy and keeley both have issues with respecting boundaries and privacy (roy asking keeley who her leaked video was for, both roy and keeley stalking jamie in mom city). while they both may have good intentions, it’s probably better to let jamie come to them with his problems instead of feeling cornered into telling them. overall, whether it be platonic or romantic, i think sam and jamie have one of the healthiest and most beautiful relationships in the show!
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frank goes to maine jokes are funny and all but hear me out: hawkeye goes to indiana.
picture this. it's only been like six or eight months since the war ended and hawk's doing rock-bottom awful. he can't form new attachments and the war haunts his every moment, so he's grown rlly dependent on keeping in contact with everyone, bc they're the only ones who get it. he's already been down to boston to see trapper and to bother charles, he's even impulsively made his way to iowa and missouri to see radar and potter (and showed up on their doorsteps out of nowhere). he tried to visit henry's widow and kids on his way back through illinois, but he couldn't bring himself to. he calls margaret & bj routinely, and he maintains correspondence with mulcahy & klinger over in korea (im ignoring aftermash. or maybe it's just too soon, neither is back in the US yet). he's even managed to remember the names of a few stand-out patients he had and done his best to reach out to them.
at some point, he fixates on the fact that he's managed to keep up with everyone important but frank. nobody knows what happened to him. margaret hasn't heard from him, and she won't contact him. he could be dead for all they know. something about it rubs him wrong, about the gap, the missing piece - the lack of control. it's been really bothering him that he patched up a thousand soldiers in korea and he'll never see any of them again, and in his head it makes sense if he can at least hold on to fifteen or twenty of the people he met over there, that might be enough. and he knows frank's name and where he's from and that he has a practice, which means he can find him. another person he can hold onto, because the idea of letting go and moving on is terrifying, and feels completely unattainable
so what does hawkeye do. he makes his way to fort wayne. he finds a phone book. he asks around.
what does he find? the only thing i know for sure is that frank and louise definitely divorced, and he lost most of his assets. is he living in a depressing Divorced Guy apartment? is his clinic gone? did he actually get promoted to lieutenant colonel or was he lying? did he get put on meds? did they transfer him from a korean army hospital to a civilian hospital in indiana (as a patient)? is he still there, or did they release him? how well is he functioning? did he bounce back or is he still a wreck? is he healthier or worse? did he mature, grow, and gain insight at all? is he a little more self aware? if he's doing better, does he know what to do with himself or is he at a crossroads in his life?
either way, hawkeye realizes frank's the only one doing just as bad as he is / who's just as unsure where to go next as he is. and he's certainly the only one who's as alone as he feels.
maybe it's platonic. maybe he decides if he helps frank get his shit together, it'll help him figure out how to deal with things and move on too. and frank's the only one he can latch onto like that. everyone else, he can't just inject himself into their life while he sorts through his own shit. he can't burden any of them when they're busy with their families and careers. but frank - he has nothing. and he's doing worse than hawkeye, so hawk figures it's nicer that way, that it's not just about him, that they can help each other. and maybe, maybe frank finally gets a little redemption. finally gets the chance to grow a little.
maybe it's romantic. maybe one of the things frank's coming to terms with post-divorce is his attraction to men. maybe hawkeye's the first person he really talks about it candidly with, and for the first time, hawk's exhausted enough and feels bad enough that he doesn't answer with jokes when frank opens up. he takes him seriously. they reach that level, where frank's doing too bad to be a miserable snotty wretch and hawkeye's too fucked up to be a smart-mouth and to mock him, and that mutual exhaustion accidentally allows for trust and a sense of camaraderie.
either way... what if they helped each other to heal again? frank's always been fucked up, but much too deluded to admit it or try to grow. but i think his experiences in korea broke him, and i think there's an opportunity, there, for him to be remade into a better and healthier person. and hawkeye was ok before, but the war broke him, and he just needs to find a way to get back to himself. maybe they could help each other do that.
and if you're thinking, well, frank's a bigot, he doesn't deserve redemption or happiness - frank just absorbs whatever makes him feel safe and secure. his attitudes are things he was conditioned to believe, and he's stuck by them because they give him guidelines and a sense of order in a senseless, confusing, and frightening world. and you know what else? he believes those things because he thinks he's supposed to. frank latches onto authorities or individuals that he can base his life around, and in that way he's very moldable. this is why frank & margaret's relationship was far from a traditional conservative heterosexual one, like they both claim to believe in the sanctity of. the amusing hypocrisy out of them crops up partially because frank seems to be capable of disregarding an authority (like, say, the bible, particularly the seventh commandment) and his belief in "what should be" in favor of a person he's emotionally invested in. and, ofc, if it serves his own needs.
this is to say, within the context of the circumstances im describing, i think hawkeye could rlly help frank 180. it'd take a minute, but i believe if he began to value making sure hawkeye approved of him, a lot of his problematic beliefs would no longer get callously spouted, and he might even get better about thinking them in the first place. and hawkeye would love trying to educate someone who's not stupidly arguing nonsense points in favor of fascism, who's instead listening intently because why should he continue to follow the beliefs passed onto him by a family that spent his early years hurting and hating him? isn't it better to listen to the man speaking to him patiently and kindly, if a little irritatedly (bc everything hes saying should be common knowledge) - the first person who's ever really made an effort to care for him?
maybe one could argue that wouldn't be genuine, but im not sure how capable frank is of genuineness. i think he can grow in a lot of other ways, but his propensity to manipulate will take a while to unlearn, bc it's a survival tactic and he's never had a healthy relationship where he didnt feel a need to do that to ensure his security. of course, who knows if this post-war, shared-trauma-bonded relationship would be any semblance of healthy? but i think it sure would be fascinating
it's in the way frank's not even fully a person. he's a bunch of books on how to be a successful all-american man in a trenchcoat, just emulation and regurgitation, and yet he's genuinely incapable of actually embodying it. he's always failed at that. he just doesnt have it in him. and i think hawkeye, who's always rejected all the things frank's aspired to be, who failed on purpose and created himself in his own image.. would be capable of and would love the challenge of helping frank become his own person. and you know what else? hawkeye's not capable of the ol picket fence marriage. idk if hes capable of day in day out domesticity. with a man or a woman. i think surrendering into smth thats soft and loving would drive him a little crazy. but i think whatever the hell bizarre disaster relationship he developed with frank .. i think it might be enough for him
#mine#txt#hawnk#frank burns#hawkeye pierce#AM I PUTTING MY FRANK BULLSHIT IN THE MAIN TAGS? YES I AM#frank#hawkeye#meta#lil bit
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I went out with Alex today and it was really nice we went up a hill to see a good look of the whole town and talked for hours but before that we basically spent the day on a roadtrip and ate some korean bbq which he had for the first time. We talked so much stuff and I actually had a good time, its not like when I'm with Eric i feel uncomfortable as fuck he makes me fucking uncomfortable with all these fucking bizarre and clingy behavior. He even literally waited for me outside work last night thats some fucking stalker vibe shit right there but whatever i'll deal with him later.
Anyways, since I was talking about relationships with Alex i wanted to be honest that as an adult (i didnt want to consider my dating when i was under 21) I haven't really felt like genuinely caring for another person and feeling this special connection with people except for Donovan who was a different case and i wasnt even sure if i was just being delusional about the whole thing but talking about him made me realized maybe I still haven't really moved on, which is sad because it's almost a year and I just wish I didn't have to feel so sad about it. I dated around after Donovan but i just couldn't share with other people the same connection I had with him. i don't know if he's a psychopath or it some manipulative shit but whenever I was feeling upset he just had a way with his words that made me feel better its like he could read my mind and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. Its that or maybe we share the same brain cell lol.. Well past is past and to be completely honest, I dont want to and I am not dwelling on why it didnt work out, but the reason i can't forget about him is prob because I talked to him about a lot of stuff that were important to me so I'd sometimes get reminded of some particular topic that we talked about and I would try to remember what I said so i would go reread them and it just pains me everytime because I never get to have those kinds of conversations with people anymore. I wished I didn't save all our conversations so I wouldn't have memories of them, but I just couldn't delete them. I mean I deleted his contact information but I just couldn't delete our conversations because they were really special to me. Not gonna lie I wish we'd talk again someday just as friends who could relate with each other and have interesting conversations with. Yes it didn't really work out between us but I don't hate him, I never did. He was a good influence in my life and I will always speak good about him regardless of how it ended. I know it sounds selfish because at this point im more focused on my own perspective than considering his perspective, but his point of view is just outside my sphere, i don't have access to it and its something i think i shouldnt be assuming or judging. Actually i had legitimate reasons why I felt the way I was, cause any woman would just feel insecure if they were in my position and its just up to them how they would deal with it. I guess i didn't deal with it in a healthy and mature manner and i had no excuse for that, but whatever the truth was, i dont know, but what matters to me now is that I did actually felt cared for and appreciated at that time, he was a good friend and a good influence so thats what im choosing to remember. I'm grateful because I've learned so much from my experience with him and after him. I've learned about myself a lot and i actually start putting an effort to be a better me and become a healthier person mentally, have a good routine and all that. Not for him mainly but for myself. Fuck, i've been actually crying while im typing cause its just makes me sad.
Honestly I don't think I would ever feel the same for another person again and I don't want to because I distanced myself from people emotionally ever since that happened. Also its just rare for me to meet people in general who are kinda like me, like there are just something different about them besides introversion its more about sharing the same core values and the nerdiest hobbies its really important to me, i like people who has their own brain but isnt like a know it all, people who think the way i do and hes just that kind of person, atleast thats how i thought of him and liked about him. Its really rare for me to meet someone like that. All the physical stuff like sex and looks would eventually fade away when you grow old and weak but good quality conversations dont, if i wouldnt be able to resonate with my partner then i knew i wouldnt feel the connection im looking for which is important to me. Its either I liked talking about myself or I enjoy listening to them more than me talking, but its different when i enjoy both and that really doesnt happen a lot. The only other people besides Donovan would probably Patrick, Paul and my bestfriend but honestly i slept on my bestfriend all the time lmaoo. Sometimes im too apathetic and neutral to care about other people's lives 'cause they just don't seem to picque my interest enough so i honestly dont really care that much. BUT YEAA I'll stop talking now cause i dont want this turn into a huge narcissism galore
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Maybe I'm biased bc I'm deeply & chronically mentally ill with plenty of violent relapses that I work to mitigate and live with & that i'll never be fully free of, but like
Idk. Trying to make him into some defanged Nice Boy after he goes through (extensive) therapy just kinda feels bad for me. Gimme that therapy goro who's still a bitch & who still has to deal with so much mental illness bs, but who will have the ability to take a step back and Deal With It, bc there is no magic fix to mental illness, progress is just learning to live with it in ways that are less and less harmful/detrimental to you and the people around you
#speculation nation#i have many goro feelings tonight#no im not going to share what im reading jfkshfkd it feels mean#IM JUST bitching privately to my own personal audience#not that the writing is bad!!!! i mean theres a reason im still reading it even if the characterizations bother me lol#idk sometimes reading fic is just an activity of picking apart what i do and do not like about what ppl have done with characters#i just so happen to love my bitch of a son goro akechi and i will keep him as a bitch even after he's grown to be a healthier person#and MAYBE it's the self projection lmao#i love him being a bitch with hair-trigger anger issues bc thats what i feel in my heart#i used to be a massively passive aggressive person aka potentially viewable As A Bitch#im a nicer person overall than goro tho lmfao but STILL#the anger!!!!!!! the anger is real!!!!!!!!!#im much better overall than i used to be but im still mentally ill & it's just been part of my Journey to accept that#approaching therapy with the mindset of 'how do i fix me' hurt me overall & made the therapy ineffective#expecting the therapist to just Fix me when thats genuinely not possible#the past has happened no matter what i do now. and my brain will be as my brain is.#but i dont default to punching walls as a coping mechanism anymore SO im doing pretty alright i think#and thats what i want for goro. him growing and maturing and learning to live with having a Hell Brain in a way thats not hurtful#to him or the people around him. & thats what im going to do for him ❤
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||How I See The Pastas||
© @frozensriracha, for some help with visuals!!
This was originally supposed to be how they looked but I decided to go for mental aspect and explain why as well PLEASE like, reblog and share your thoughts on this in the comments or inbox
Below the desciptions are images i’ve compiled and some art (if you know the creator please tell me so i can credit them) for a visual
dont forget to like reblog and share your thoughts with me, I spent a few days on this so i’d appreciate this
Jeff the Killer
So lets start with the obvious- jeffs pasty white toothpaste lookin skin
But realistically he wouldn’t be completely covered in scars
It would be blotchy, with pink fleshy patches among the burns
He most likely has contracture scars, third degree burns that turn the skin a pale white and tighten the skin
This explains his gaunt features and skin color
Now we have to take into account the vodka that was splashed on him, he’d probably have worse burns there with exposed flesh and damaged nerves
This would result in gnarly exposed skin, a damaged scalp and maybe damage to his teeth and eyes
Realistically, Jeff wouldnt have burned off his eyelids that alone would have resulted in blindness and death
Than his smile, his signatuure mark would probably be more of a gangly bloody scar mess
Pastas heal faster and aren’t really human, he’d have to recut his smile pretty frequently making it pretty jacket up because ltes be honest hes far from clean
ANd than his hait being chard black is very unlikely because as nasty as he is he s h o w e r s
not very frequnetly given his living situation and untreated burns but people can figure out how to wash hait and not much else
also i think its funny he’d shower with a plastic bag on his face to avoid getting soap in his nasty infected scars-
His hair would probably be dry and cut unevenly, more of a dark brown color with blonde undertones
Not to mention his burned scalp, hair probably wouldn’t grow there so he’d have a cool unintentional side shave
Jeff would also be a tall individual, he cant really eat, snacking on things from his victims homes giving him a more skeletal build
His personality and mindest is about as pretty as his face- but he most likely has a very screwed up headspace
Lacking in self care, maturity and sanity its fair to say he’d be a brash and violent person
Fun Fact: While researching this I learned that some versions of the joker had facial scars in the shape of a smile
Ticci Toby
So tobys age, unlike a lot of pastas, is pretty well agreed on, 19
So unlike when he was first a proxy toby most likely has stronger facial features and facial hair
Because shaving and hygiene isn’t first priority for pastas (gross-)
He stands around 5′7 and has grayish skin
Toby i feel is picky about foods, not only is it hard for him to eat its hard for him to keep food down
He’s malnourished explaining his thin figure and grayish skin
His hait is dark brown and a curlish mess, unkempt but short so it doesn’t get in his way
I’ve always seen him with a small gap in his teeth, because I can
And since toby can’t feel shit I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to eat rocks simply because he fuckin could
So some chipped teeth that are a bit uneven
Along with his CIPA and not eating enough Toby would bruise easily and have lots of scars, from things like cutting his finger on accident or getting mauled by a racoon
I wouldn’t be surpised if some of his joints were a bit screwed up, because whenever theyd beak or fracture he wouldn’t notice, this would probably happen a lot causing them to not heal correctly
One of tobys habits is nailbiting but he cant te;; when too far is too far
His fingers may be abit odd looking, knobby and discolored nails because of how exetreme his habit is
Would most likely have bandages around his fingers frequently to prevent the habit
So theres a lot of debate about tobys cheek was it the CIPA or the car accident, I beileve the accident because his other cheek is completely fine, theres damage from the OUTSIDE to inside and considering his sister died in the accident its unlikely he survived unscathed
Fun Fact: only a small handful of people have ever been diagnosed with CIPA, less than 500 (documented) cases around the world
Bloody Painter
So Helen is often seen as quiet emo painter boy
but uh no <3
Personaly i beileve he suffers from narcisistic personality disorder, exetreme importance and that he is always victorious and gets what he wants
This sporuts from the constant heavy invalidation from classmates, toxic friends and neglect from his parents
He doesn’t hang out with people because he doesn’’t lie them its because they never let him in the past and he beileves he’s better than them
But this also links to deep rooted insecurity and social anxiety/being inept completely
Him being nice is basically so you like him, he wants validation amd admiration not love
Unlike the other pastas he’d be a more clean well kept one a helthy figure and some tattoos bevause he can
I beileve he lives in socity, finding hus victims in girls and men alike who fall for his charm
he uses hhis skill and ordinary appearance to blend in on the streets
From his behavior helen most likely keeps his hair a bit shorter and clean
He always looks his best
Has chapped, and picked at lips because of his anxieties
Aswell as his breakdowns- his identity is completely in his head, he is very unsure of who he is and takes the delusions in his mind as reality
Unrelated but paino fingers-
And finally in order for his art to be as perfect and amazing as him, he has to be apart of it
Thus using his own blood in his pieces and the body parts of those he admires
Covers his scars with clean bandgaes
But his paintings turn brown and dry out, he’s always in need of a new medium
Is most likely anemic from all the blood he looses and has a paler skintone
Clockwork
ahh yes finally someone who knows what self care is-
helen, i love you buddy but you need to stop
But anyway natalie has a stronger, athletic build
She often chases her victims and gets in altercations, relying on strength most of the time
on that same note, this would defintelty cause many scars on natalie
Wether it was a bite mark or scars from a kitchen knife, shes got lots of scars
A few even on her face
Now, for the clock in her eye that thing is like holding her skull together at this point, realistically
She is probably delicate and cares for it becaise 1) it hurts 2) if it gets screwed up that could cause a lot of problems
natalie would be a smart person, I wouldn’t be surprused if she had a few other stray stitches or bandgaes wrapped around a fresh wound
For more visual-ish things uh m u l l e t (credit: @cum-looking-sock-mf in a chat like 4 months ago)
She has one, fight me on it
but also thick and curlish hair so I also riase you
Undershave
just y e s
I can also see her getting tattoos over certain scars on her arm, just to make them look not so ugly
I feel like clockwork wishes things worked out better
Wishes for another chance but knows she’ll never get one
Thus her taking goof care of herself
Natalie throws herseld into her “work”, keeping her body in shape and killing people
Its a way to avoid her life and that it is- a huge, sad mess
Shes an outgoing impulsive individual, confident but questions her actions
She’s also unstable- protective and loyal but explosive and strong
Jane the Killer
Jane is the final one, im sorry I couldn’t do more theres a photo limit and I wanna bash my head into the wall
Now a main different between her and jeff is she had surgery and lie treatment
Janes skin is still greatly scarred but it is greatly healed
She takes care of it and had skin grafts
Her face is disfigured, a scarred smile and burns around
But unlike Jeff she doesn’t recarve the cut so its a cleaner line and a lot healthier
Janes hair took a rather long time to grow back, but it did!
She has a slightly long pixie cut a bit choppy but she doesn’t mind
Her wife definetely cuts it for her and you can fight me over that
I can see Jane having a lot of facial trauma, scars around her nose and cheeks
She was young when she started killing and went for the over the person, pin them down kill which didn’t work out
She switched to a silenced pistol after awhile, you know like a smart person
Janes arms and legs are in alright condition where most of the burn trauma is on her back
She has a leaner but healthy figure but like boobs-
Like clockwork and Helen she takes care of herself
She doesn’t kill as frequently, going after a few of jeffs victims before him and is of course, actively hunting him down
Her eyes are a pale green and she wears makeip to fill in her eyebrows because those bitches take a long time to grow back
fun fact: jeff has no eyebrows, fight me
#jeff the Killer#creepypasta#creepypasta headcanons#slenderverse#slenderverse headcanons#jeff the killer head canons#ticci toby headcanons#ticci toby#bloodypainter#bloodypainter headcanons#clockwork headcanons#clockwork#jane the everlasting head canons#jane the everlasting#jane the killer#jane the killer headcanons
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Brown liquor will DO!
It's been one of those weeks where shy me won the fight with inner bad bitch me. I spent the week with my hair just NOT looking right, not having the time to wash out the gel and twist it out either. The compounded interest of being an adult finally caught up with me. Unlike Wesley I’m going to deal with all these taxes before I’m emotionally spent. I don’t want to have another fit like the day I turned my room upside down and I was home alone. This feels like unraveling, I’ve unraveled before. My life isn’t falling apart though, I haven’t let myself go so much that I hardly fit into my clothes and I actually have my finances in check. I’m just fucking over EVERYTHING!!!!!
My crush is acting stupid, flirting with other girls in the office and I'm sure if I spoke to him it would make all the difference but he looks incredibly VAPID. I don't poop where I eat so I'll just continue to look at him and imagine what our babies would look like. To add insult to injury that other dude I went on a date with 6 months ago, who was not trying to be serious with me got engaged and shared his engagement on ALL SOCIAL MEDIA platforms. I didn’t think about him for a second since I last saw him in November, still, when I saw the picture my heart sank, I exhaled deeply and decided to rid myself of him because who wants to see an old flame doing good?
Initially the week started with me having an incredible self-talk moment on Sunday as I put all the gel in my hair to slick it down into a bun. However! On Monday morning when I had to now wake up, work out and actually start doing the things I said I would, I got tired. That’s when it all fell apart! It all fell apart and continued to do so for the rest of the week till the end of the week.
Friday! The girls at the liquor store eyeing me doesn’t phase me anymore. They don't know my name but they see me often and I can't tell if they can tell I'm unraveling but boy am I ever. I was walking the isles like I didn’t know what I want. I passed the wine, vodka, gin, schnapps, ciders because we need brown liquor....we need rum...rum will do and the coke cannot be left behind.
I got home and take off all the things I put on for the world; bra, shoes, wig, pants ALL OF IT! Id walk around in my underwear but that wouldn’t be fair to my roommate. I don’t think I have even seen his shoulder. Imagine if he saw me in my “I’m close to giving up on life” outfit which consists of cotton briefs and a free 3XL t-shirt from a marathon I didn’t run. That would be weird and room number one of rooming is DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD
An hour into the rum and coke I’m singing to myself and have decided that a slick bun isn’t for all of us. My nappy hair is just too nappy. I’ve been on a video call to Tanzania, got seven chuckles from Montreal and Hlotse. I’m starting to feel better. Bad Bitch me has finally woken up and I’m starting to get back to me. I know I’m not alone but I really feel alone. I want to blame someone for the whirlwind I’m completely enveloped in that is my life but I am responsible for me. What a mind blowing, life changing wonderful thing would it be if I just accepted myself the way I am?
I’m a lover and a giver in a world that has swallowed me whole and spat me back out so many times. It doesn’t stop. Ideally this is where I interject and say ‘yeah but you shouldn’t stop either’…Naaaaah. Mature Amo is out of the office. Somewhere between mixing the rum and coke and self-deprecating I had a thought. That maybe, just MAYBE I should be nice to me and things wouldn’t hurt me so bad. Maybe if I made it my priority to make sure I had a chance to succeed then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. The bun didn’t work out…SO WHAT?? The office crush doesn’t notice me…IM STILL PRETTY!!! A dude with a bad offer is getting married…ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! I have got to love on me a lot harder!!!!
I am my worst critique and since I act like asking for help and being kind to myself delays the progress I hurt myself. I want to make the progress but I also want to be happy when I get there. What’s the point of having things and accomplishing all my goals if I still hate myself for it?
PAUSE…that’s some wisdom!!!
So from now, this very moment onward I’m going to treat myself like the wounded gazelle I am. I’ll start with fixing the kinks in my armor and giving myself a chance, a REAL chance of being great. Instead of trying to squeeze fitness goals into two weeks I’m going to find a healthy way of progressively and permanently being healthier. Rather than trying to get the cash, car and crib all at once I’m going to look at my finances with someone who knows more to help me understand my options. Rather than listening to my biological clock ticking and feeling like my ovaries are shrinking and I should make a baby, I’m going to fall deeper in love with myself and get ready to receive the love that would help me be emotionally capable of making a baby and loving that person with my whole heart.
Charity really starts at home. Be kind to yourself and then you can be kind to the world. Take it slow, you will get there. Focus, be patient and keep going forward because your path is your path and you can’t change it but you can definitely enjoy the ride.
I’m a woman in her 30s going through it all, I’m just here to let you know you aren’t alone.
Bisou…bisou
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A long rambling essay about Teacher!au Ernesto & Hector’s friendship and where they go from here.
Essay inspired by the day’s discussions regarding the latest chapter of @im-fairly-whitty and @slusheeduck ‘s teacher!au and the crossroads we find ourselves at.
Long, rambling essay found below the cut
Hector and Ernesto have come to a crossroads in their friendship which can either deteriorate or get stronger & healthier depending on how maturely they handle the transition into Miguel’s adoption. In this essay I will…
Actually write an essay! Let’s begin by laying the facts out on the table.
· Hector is adopting Miguel.
· Miguel is a recently-orphaned 8 year old.
· This decision came suddenly with the previous plan being that Miguel was going to go back to Santa Cecilia after the holidays.
· Everyone was operating under the assumption Miguel would go back to Santa Cecilia.
· When Hector made this decision, he neglected to tell Ernesto until the last minute.
· Ernesto’s only 2 pieces of information on the subject include a text which told him nothing except that there was a change of plans, and a phone call 24 hours later which lasted less than a minute.
Hector & Ernesto both have faults in this situation, but I’ll start with Hector’s since it is honestly smaller and more concrete than Ernesto’s. Hector is making a life-altering decision which will not only affect his life, but Miguel’s life, Imelda’s life, and Ernesto’s life. As previously stated, Ernesto only has a text and an exceptionally brief phone call. It is fair to say that Hector had a lot going on and it’s only natural that some things fall by the wayside. It is also fair to say that Ernesto does not have enough information to go off of to process this sudden massive change to his living situation. (And being the thing left by the wayside never feels good).
To be clear, it is still Hector’s decision to make, but he and Ernesto do have to have a long talk about this because there are a lot of questions that need to be addressed. What, exactly, is Ernesto’s role in all this? How much is he expected to parent Miguel? Are there new rules as to what Ernesto can & can’t do in the apartment now? (For example, bringing a random girl home for the night. Probably can’t do that anymore.) How does this affect their music? Or their touring? What if Hector is planning on moving out all together? Now, assuming they are going to behave like mature adults, these questions will be addressed in the future, but at present, Ernesto’s been left with flailing in the wind. He has nothing to indicate if there is an answer to any of these questions or if Hector has even considered any of this.
So, Hector’s mistake is that he handled telling Ernesto all wrong, and he’d probably be the first one to admit it once it’s brought to his attention. However, Hector’s mistake can be resolved with a future conversation in which they come up with a game plan. Ernesto’s problems are going to take some more work.
To be fair, Ernesto does have legitimate concerns about what’s about to happen, one of which would actually factor into the decision about whether or not Hector should adopt Miguel: can Hector handle it? Ernesto has been friends with Hector for most of his life, which means he’s also been there for all the stupid times. He was there for the chorizo incident, and I’m sure there are plenty more like it. He also knows Hector is prone to flights of fancy and raising a kid is a way bigger commitment than, say, getting a starry-eyed crush on the girl at the bookstore. However, if he’d been paying attention for the last 6 months, he’d have seen how much Hector has matured and how well he’s taken care of Miguel. Sure, there’s a big difference between taking care of a kid for a few months and actually raising one into adulthood, but Hector has proven himself capable.
(As a personal anecdote, I used to be a lifeguard at waterpark, and if you don’t need a lifeguard to tell you that you can’t leave your infant unattended in a pool, you’re already doing better than some people I’ve come across.)
Ernesto’s other previously mentioned concerns do need to be addressed, but none of them change whether or not Miguel is adopted. Assuming something doesn’t go wrong with the adoption process, this is happening. Hector is adopting Miguel. They are going to need all the support they can get. Now, the question is, will Ernesto be supportive?
Ernesto has (reasonable) choices: either find a way to deal, or find his own place. No matter what, there’s going to be change. Ideally, they’ll talk it out, figure out a routine for the new normal, and if that doesn’t work, they get separate apartments when the lease is up. This second one doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It doesn’t have to mean the end of their friendship. It doesn’t even mean they can’t still play together. (Hector obviously can’t go on tour all summer, but he could still play local shows and be Ernesto’s stay-at-home songwriter). It just means this particular era is over. It’d be sad, of course, and they’d have to grieve and adjust, but it’s 100% doable.
Somehow, I doubt that’s how it’s going to be handled.
I don’t think it’s controversial to say Ernesto has tendency to think about himself first. He expects other people to make sacrifices to suit his needs, but he’s not used to making sacrifices himself. (Still low-key salty that he tried to get in the way of Hector’s education and then acted like he did Hector a big favor by stopping his freeze-out over it). Well, he’s going to have to start. Hector is taking on a very important responsibility. Miguel comes first, no matter what. This means accepting that Hector has a life separate from him. This means relinquishing control.
Ernesto relinquishing control: this is completely uncharted territory for him, especially when it comes to Hector. He’s always been able to control Hector before, and Hector’s rarely pushed back before. The only other big time they’ve fought was when Hector went away to college, but that was temporary, just like watching Miguel was supposed to be temporary. But now that Miguel is staying for good, he has to give up some of his control. He has to respect the rules Hector sets (like not filming Miguel without permission. Seriously, Ernesto, you are a 30-something man filming a small child without permission and posting it on the internet. What part of this is not creepy to you?). He has to trust Hector’s judgement and defer to Hector. And he’ll have to face the facts that this was all stuff he should have been doing in the first place.
I’d be interested in what sort of childhood & family life Wit & Slush have in mind for teacher!au Ernesto. I’d like to see where his need for control comes from.
I’ve gone in depth about what I think of Cannon Hector & Ernesto’s dynamic before, but I think some aspects still apply, such as Ernesto conceptualizing Hector as an extension of himself. Now Hector is operating in a way that is independent from Ernesto. They’ve been fighting more than ever, and not even about dumb stuff like who’s turn it is to do the dishes. From Ernesto’s perspective, this kid’s come between them and making it permanent is only going to make things worse. So the kid must be the problem, right?
Well, Ernesto, let’s look at the pattern. Whenever the big fights with Hector have happened, they follow a common thread. Hector tries to do his own thing or put his foot down, Ernesto gets mad because it messes up his plans, If Hector doesn’t fold immediately, Ernesto shuts Hector out, Hector waits until Ernesto’s ready to come back. If Ernesto concedes to Hector, he makes it a point to make sure Hector feels bad for trying to assert himself in the first place. Seems to me that the problem isn’t the kid, or even Hector.
The problem is that Ernesto fears growth to the point where he keeps those around him from growing. Why is this? Again, I’d like to know more about teacher!au’s childhood & home life. But, I do think he needs so much attention all the time because he’s afraid of spending too much time with himself and not liking what he finds when he really has to spend time with that person. On some level, I think he’s aware that he’s aware that he’s in the wrong, but truly admitting his faults would be too damaging to his ego, so he’ll shift blame to Hector, or Imelda, or even a child.
And is there maybe an aspect of self-doubt in there? Maybe he’s seeing his best friend make big steps forward in his life, while Ernesto is still stuck in the same place he was before. Might he feel insecure in his own ability to succeed? So insecure he’s willing to drag down those around him so he’s not left behind?
But still, it’s not fair right? It’s not fair that Ernesto’s life should change so dramatically for this kid he barely even knows. It’s not fair that he has to make sacrifices over something Hector decided, over something he has absolutely no input in. It’s not fair, right?
Right, it’s not fair. Just like it’s not fair that Miguel lost his parents at such a young age. It’s not fair that Enrique & Louisa don’t get to watch their son grow up except for 1 day a year. It’s not fair that Hector had to dive into the responsibility of taking care of a child without getting the chance to grieve for his own cousin. Nothing about this situation is fair.
But that’s the way it is. So what are we gonna do about it?
As I said at the beginning, we’re at a crossroads. What Ernesto choses to do now can either make or break his relationship with Hector. He can either make drastic moves to try to maintain the status quo, or adapt and change with everyone else.
Let’s see what might happen if Ernesto tries to force his will on this situation. It really depends on how low Ernesto’s willing to go. Is he going to try his usual freeze out? Will he try manipulating Hector into changing his mind? Might he try sabotaging the adoption progress? Would he try something even worse? His other incarnations tried to enforce their control over their Hectors with a glass of poison. Is this Ernesto willing to sink down to their level?
Whatever he tries, Hector’s starting to get his priorities in order. He’s not going to fold this time. He might not be good at standing up for himself, but he’d kick a tiger in the face for Miguel. Hector is growing into his own person, and he’s not going to put up with anything that could jeopardize Miguel’s chances for a happy, stable home. If he realizes Ernesto is actively working against this, their friendship will be done for good, and Hector will be the one to end it.
But, it doesn’t have to end like that. This could be a growing opportunity for Ernesto, a coming-of-age story for a 30-something year old man. And it starts with accepting that he is in the wrong and that he’s been treating Hector horribly. He needs to recognize what he’s doing, when he’s being unreasonable & self-centered, and learn how to stop himself.
It’s not going to be easy. No one wants to look too hard at the ugly parts of yourself too long, let alone acknowledge that they’re there. I think he’d definitely benefit from some CBT. If he’s not too proud, he could do with some counseling (everyone could, really). I’d focus on increasing empathy and recognizing irrational thoughts which prevent him from recognizing the needs of others. I’d also work on healthy ways to cope with change.
Just doing this work on himself could make a world of difference, not just with his relationship with Hector, but with his whole life. When you come right down to it, Ernesto is scared. He’s scared of change. He’s scared of loss. He’s scared of being left behind.
He likes what he has right now. He likes having Hector constantly by his side. He likes having adoring fans watch his channel. He likes performing for said fans and basking in their praise. But if something changes, he could lose everything. He might not, but why take the risk? Better to keep everything the same.
So what needs to happen now? He and Hector need to have a talk, a real talk. No accusing, no gas lighting, no giving in just because you’re uncomfortable and you just want it to end. Gonna need a lot of “I” statements and being open about their emotions. It’s not going to be an easy talk. A lot of hurt feelings are going to come to the surface. Old wounds will be open. But they really need to sit down and hash out what’s been going wrong with their relationship. Hector needs to acknowledge that he gives in too easily and doesn’t enforce boundaries. Ernesto needs to acknowledge that he takes advantage of Hector and tries to control too much.
After that, they need to come up with a new life plan, one that takes Miguel’s welfare into account. They need to talk about where compromises can be made and where they can’t. It may end with them coming up with a new routine at the apartment or they may come to the conclusion that it’s better for everyone if they don’t live together anymore. That second option might hurt. It’ll be different and they’re not going to be spending as much time together as they’re used to, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means they’re growing up.
In conclusion, I believe Hector & Ernesto’s relationship is still salvageable at this point, but there needs to be change and it needs to start with Ernesto. Hector is taking on a lot of new responsibilities and is already taking steps to better himself. Ernesto has a lot of work to do on himself and his relationships, but he needs to take that first step and acknowledge his faults. For their friendship to survive, he needs to relinquish control and give Hector unconditional support. He needs to decide what is more important to him, his best friend or his ego.
#teacher!au#the way you keep me guessing#long post#character analysis#ernesto de la cruz#hector rivera
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GENTLE AND RESPONSIVE LOVER HILARY "I APPRECIATE THE LOOK OF OBJECT HORROR ON YOUR FACE THANKS FOR THAT" WHAT SAYETH YOU BC IM STUCK ON THIS AND SAYING THAT HE KNOWS WHAT SHES GOING THROUGH GENIUSES H I L A R Y
Look.
We’ve all noticed that Lucy is confused and mortified, but not horrified, and even looks a little disappointed after he tells her nothing happened. And he is comfortable enough with her to tease her about her being a gentle lover??! And then immediately giggle and be like no Lucy I’m just a troll have some coffee. And remain flirty and glowing and delighted with her and comfort her and tell her he likes her company and that he knows what she’s going through and she’s a genius and…
THERE WAS SO MUCH VALIDATION AND POSITIVE EGO BOOSTING AND TOTAL NON-PRESSURING OF HER AND CARETAKING AND SHE RELAXES AFTER SHE SEES HE HAS NO INTENTION OF MAKING IT WEIRD OR POSSESSIVE OVER HER AND OPENS UP AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE FEELS THE MOST COMFORTABLE WITH HIM OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE BUNKER? AFTER LIKE.. MAYBE 24 HOURS AGO TELLING HIM THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW HER, ETC, IN 1936??? SHE LET HIM IN AND NOW SHE ALREADY FEELS THAT HE IS THE EASIEST TO TALK TO? OVER ALL HER OTHER FRIENDS WHO SHE HAS KNOWN AND TRUSTED LONGER/WAS FIGHTING AGAINST HIM WITH???
Which is why she says “it’s kind of insane that out of everyone here you’re the easiest to talk to.” She doesn’t understand it either, but she already feels the beginning of the same connection that he’s held onto for almost four years at this point. He is super hardcore in love with her, but she’s not there yet; she’s just learning to open up and to know him and to believe he won’t hurt her and if she’s justified in doing that. And he’s showing her that she is.
I cannot say how much I love it being reinforced that after we’ve seen Wyatt being jealous, controlling, and possessive over Lucy, and thinking he has some right to continue to police her behavior (emotional or sexual) with other men, Flynn… nopes right out of doing that. He is nothing less than absolutely delighted that she chose to spend the night with him, asleep in his bed, and that all he did was sit and watch her sleep and make her coffee. It is zero threat to him whatsoever that they didn’t drunkenly bang; in fact, he’s taken CARE not to exploit her in her drunken and emotionally vulnerable state. He is more interested in NOT damaging that bond in any way and continuing to prove himself (as confirmed by Goran on twitter – he’s there just to take care of her and not ruin it by going too fast too soon – as happened with W/L). It is again just… so much healthier for Lucy? And represents so much more maturity and generosity on the part of her partner?
Like. You can see her tense up a little in fear that Flynn might be jealous or act weird now, or try to push her about her being “horrified,” or whatever else. But he doesn’t do that, and makes it clear she is utterly welcome to exist in his space however she likes, in his bed, while he sits up fully dressed in an uncomfortable chair, because it’s more important to him that she’s happy and her boundaries are respected. Lucy herself absolutely does not want to rush in and have casual sex with another teammate and have it once more blow up in her face, and she’s worried she might have put herself in a position to have that happen, but again… Flynn NEVER PRESSURES HER about that. He makes a joke, apologizes for it and grins and laughs and hands her the coffee, and she responds to that and opens up in kind and just.
She’s so comfortable and safe with him, and he never does anything to jeopardize that now that she is, and I’m dead.
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Today I got to hang w a new buddy but idk how close were gonna get. They're too young for me and we have no music taste in common and they really like anime. I'm sure they're cool, im just so picky with who I extend my energy to. Maybe we will hang again some time and just be casual friends. I'm not too pressed if we don't tho tbh. They have a bf too who I'm not rlly excited to meet. Why don't I like most people? It sounds conceited to say something like they just all vibrate lower than me but I feel like that might be the case. Where are my spiritually enlightened mature folk? I literally have an album of pics saved to send to Niko when we start talking again bc they're the only person on the same wave length as me 💀 Idk if it's weird to save things this long just to send them but ion even gaf, I wanted to share them with her and no amount of time will stop me from doing it 😤 I'm just ready to have my bff back y'all the jokes damn over. I rlly hope we can be good friends when this is over, I've never felt more connected to another human soul. I've still not checked any of her shit for the day which I think will stay that way for the foreseeable future since I made it over the hump of the first two days of not checking on her but it sure has made me write about her here a lot. I gotta have some sort of outlet for these feelings and this seems healthier than silently stalking what little shreds I could grab of how they're doing. I hope they are healing and learning to love life on their own, they deserve it.
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So I got a job fairly recently (in September) and it’s my first full time job with health benefits (which I needed) and highest pay yet. I work with toddlers all day. 8-5. And it is so exhausting. And even though I am being underpaid, definitely taken advantage of, and not getting enough support, I kind of like it. I love most my kids on most the days. I mean that in the nicest way possible, I love all my kids but not every day and not everyday I love all the kids. Each kid varies. Each loved, on different days. They’re handfuls. But I’m very proud of them when they are being cute and showing their talking skills. Anyways.. the job brings me some structure, I wake up everyday super early, I’ve started a routine, slowly taking care of myself more. I’m making healthier choices but they’re probably being dragged by the amount/constant state of stress that I’m in all day every day. Who knows. But I really liked not just thinking about myself all the time. Myself and all past problems and people and places and problems and problems. I have less time to think about problems. I feel like I’m finally maturing and growing, willing but also unwillingly. Work sucks most the time in general. It’s just something that has to get done. Don’t know if that’s all too great though. I’ve looked back at some of my pictures and I can’t recognize myself, I look at just yesterday pictures and I also can’t recognize me ? I just don’t look how I feel or feel how I look. I feel like I’m dissociating. Maybe that’s good, maybe that’s how actual adults live life.? I truly don’t know. I think I should start reflecting more often, perhaps I need to connect with my thoughts more than my looks ? Im not so sure what’s going on
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A L L
hoooo boi this is gonna be a lot of self reflection and remembering what happened this year (which i remember from like july to now…yikes…) but here we go!
(bc it’s all of them, putting a read more thingy)
reflect: what are 3 things you have accomplished this year that you are proud of? -putting myself out there more, starting to move on from past shit, and slowly learning to love myself
aspire: what are 3 things you want to achieve next year? -get a job, get a gf, be healthier
inspire: who is someone who made this past year better? -hm.. i think @holtzmann-af ye
flourish: in what ways have you grown as a better person this year? -i’ve learned more about myself and pinpointed some things about myself that i can change and started to change them
envision: the day i am most looking forward to next year is some day next year because i have nothing specific planned for next year and good things can happen at anytime (plus surprised events are much more fun than planned ones!! (sometimes))
presume: what is something you expected to happen this year, but didn’t? -getting a paid job
connect: who is someone new you met this year that you wouldn’t be the same without? -shit idk i met a lot of new people but didn’t affect me to that extreme..there’s like a person i have in mind but i don’t think it goes with the question really so im not gonna tag them
alter: name 3 ways your life is going to positively change next year. -i’ll get some kind of job, be in a relationship (maybe) and be a little bit happier
heal: name 5 ways you are going to make next year better. -exercise a bit more, be less self deprecating, continue to put myself out there, finish the goals i made for this school year and make new ones for next school year and find a balance of working and treating myself
memorize: describe in detail the happiest day you’ve had this year. -….i honestly cannot think of a day where i was the happiest… they all blend together and i just cant remember much that happened….
forecast: in 3 months i will be in school, trying to fix my procrastination issue (we’ll see how that goes…)
foresee: in 6 months i will be working at some place during the summer
foreshadow: in 9 months i will be still in school doin something
foretell: this time next year i will be freaking out that i will have one more semester until my senior year, but overall feel better about everything
rejuvenate: name something you have learned to recover from or move past this year. -finally get over past relationship fuckery from like 5 years ago
discover: what are 5 things you’ve learned about yourself or life as a whole this year? -my theory about the numbers 3-6-9 still holds true (wait it better not still hold true into next year oh no), the stars and planets don’t lie (astrology), shit happens sometimes and there isn’t much you can do but grow from it, the type of women i like is changing and i have a questionable taste in men, life can be fucked up sometimes which can bring out the best and worst out of people
venture: name 3 new things you tried this year. -tried being a part of a club at school, tried using tinder (that was an experience),
perspective: what’s something you’ve changed your opinion on since the beginning of this year? -idk really know
devote: describe a way in which you made a positive impact on someone else’s year. -when a friend was going through a rough patch, i was just there for her to talk to without judgement
emerge: describe an experience this year that caused you to mature. -talking about my past relationship with someone who validated that what happened was really bad, things will get better and that there are other people out there that are much much better
positive vibes: you’ve made it through another year! i’m so proud of you and my year wouldn’t have been the same without you
okay doing this, i realized i cant remember anything before me turning 19.. this is fine
i feel like these answers have a negative undertone to them even when i’m trying to be positive..idk but it’s hard to remember all that happened in a year when you cant remember more than half of it but i tried
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1, 8, 11, 14, 15, 17, 24, 32, 33, 37, 28, 39, 40
OMG IM SO SORRY FOR NOT ANSWERING THIS ASK UNTIL NOW AJSDKHAD
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
omg idek which movie i would consider my favorite movie... but i think i have this reoccurring feeling of “OMG that was the best movie ever!” whenever i have a new fav movie hahahaha
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
hmm i guess i’d say my fashion sense? i’ve worked quite hard for a long time to get where i am now (i think my style is pretty good now) and tbh it’s one of my fav compliments to receive! i’m still working on expanding my wardrobe and building on it; there’s always room for improvement~
11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.
i think i would have to say the one where i met my ultimate fav celebrity/singer, kyuhyun cho from super junior! in my dream he even touched me and i remember even feeling the warmth of his touch... it was such a vivid dream LOL i still remember it even tho its been so long?
14: Talk about a vacation.
the vacation that lasts the most in my mind is probs the most recent one. i went to greece during spring break with a friend this year! tbh it wasn’t as fun as it could have been bc the weather was cold and bc it was easter, everything was closed for several days and at night it was really scary bc there were all these men hanging around outside, smoking and staring us down. but it was also really fun bc i got to see the beautiful ocean. the best part was going horse-back riding for the first time!! omg it was such a great experience bc i’ve loved horses ever since i was young but i had never been able to ride one (besides this one time when i was like 5 at a petting zoo or something). shoutout to kayli for making that happen omggg
oh man, now i want to talk about my trip to paris with a different friend and met a couple of my internet friends, but i guess that’s a different story hehe (if you wanna hear about it, hmu tho!)
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
oh shit LOL have i Ever been fully content in my life ahaha... i honestly can’t really remember? probably when i was younger...? or perhaps now??? idk man.
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
tbh lately, i’ve been feeling kinda antisocial... i don’t really have a desire to make new friends or get closer to some friends/acquaintances bc i feel so drained? i feel this way especially towards internet friends tbh bc i feel like we’re never going to meet anyway so why put in so much effort. ugh, i know thats horrible and i don’t want to feel this way but :’) alas. maybe its bc i’ve been feeling kinda insecure lately too? LOL idk. but i do want to befriend my crush tho... bc if i befriend him, maybe it’ll develop into something more~
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
oh wow, hmm. i’ve been told that i’m stylish and have a good sense of humor, which are some of my fav compliments hehe. like when someone actually thinks/says that i’m funny, i’m really happy! i can’t really remember anything else atm but haha i’m sure there were some other things?
28: Talk about your fetishes.
LMAOO OMG AJDKAHSDASD i ummm... idek what qualifies as a fetish, like is it just a kink? are those the same things?? do i even have those????? i guess i’m kinda into bondage tho, probs light hahaha
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
i grew up in indiana and i had really fond memories of it. i moved to nyc in the middle of 3rd grade and it was really hard adjusting at first. but now i’m a new yorker so LOL. i remember indiana being almost this enchanted place bc i felt so free there. i could ride my bike with my friends until the sun went down (that was like 8pm in the summer) and i barely got any hw which was lit. (stranger things makes me feel really nostalgic bc its supposed to be set in indiana and i used to bike around with my friends all the time too hehe)
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
hmm, this is a very good question bc i honestly hardly know what to do with myself when i’m sad and i just feel like i wanna die a lot of the time tbh HAHA. but i’ve been trying to find healthier coping mechanisms to do when i’m sad... like i usually try to distract myself by listening/watching shows or movies or whatever. or try to hang out with my friends. or sometimes i just go to bed early by getting myself very very sad by listening to sad songs and thinking of things to upset myself further and then cry myself to sleep. that actually works quite well bc i wake up and feel refreshed most of the time? haha
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
huh. was i ever really truly in love tho LMAO... i suppose the closest thing to that was with my latest ex. our relationship was so short-lived and hes lowkey kinda psycho so um Yikes. i’m glad i didn’t get back with him bc hes obviously not good for me. there were some red flags but i just ignored them OTL. but well, he was sweet and it was nice while it lasted but hmm, Yikesss.
39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.
omggg ok i wish i knew sooner that you need to play an active role in your life or else you’re going to be very unhappy and feel really hopeless. listen, you are in charge of a good portion of your life; your decisions and efforts are important. if you want something, go get it!! you can’t cry and complain about things yet never try to do something about it. but on the other hand, there are some things in life that you can’t change. somethings just happen and the best you can do is deal with them to the utmost of your abilities. there’s this delicate balance of determinism and free-will. but its always better to try and fail than never try and regret it.
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.
the end of high school was really nice i think. i was really excited for freshman year of uni in london bc i had never been out of the country before and i’ve been interested in britain since i was really young! i was hopeful for the new people i’d meet and the cool new things i’d experience. it was kinda disappointing but it was still a great experience i think haha. i definitely grew and matured as a person, which i’m really happy about.
thank you to the anon who sent me this ask!! i’m sorry again about the late reply ;;;
if you’d like to send me more, here is the post!
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heya! this isnt particularly witch related, but ive been struggling recently with my weight. back in freshman year of hs i weighed about 100 lbs at 5'1" and i was anorexic, and i recovered from that but didnt realize until a couple days ago as i started as a senior that i weighed up to 144 lbs at the same height and its been bothering me so much because i want to loose the pounds really badly, and im sure a lot of it comes from my binge eating disorder. any ways or witch tips to loose weight?
Hello dear!
This was a difficult ask to answer, for a few reasons. The biggest one is that any weight management in someone with a history of disordered eating should be addressed under the supervision of a medical professional - whether your regular physician and/or a psychologist. This is to ensure that the weight loss happens in a healthy and sustainable way, and that your mental and emotional state is as protected as possible.
I (EstFortis) also just don’t do weight loss magick because weight loss spells are just like crash diets - they’re a quick fix to a bigger issue. We here at Witch Mums have two guiding principles: 1. Don’t use magic when a mundane solution will do. Mundane solutions are much simpler and more direct and predictable than magical ones, and so are typically less susceptible to unwanted repercussions. 2. Don’t cut corners. Do your research, put the work in, and don’t take shortcuts. If there is anything worth having, it is worth working for. This applies to both our mundane and our magical lives, but often means delayed gratification and a boring, mundane solution to the problem.
If you want to lose weight because you want to be healthier, then a lifestyle shift is the answer, not a magical band-aid. Eating more fruits and veggies and moving your body are some obvious places to start. I also encourage you to look into the Health at Every Size movement, which shows the ways that weight is less correlated with health than we tend to think, and is instead more closely linked to healthy habits.
If you want to lose weight because you don’t like the way you look, then it sounds like a self-love question, and I’ll refer you to a self-love spell that Mme. HW shared recently, here. We are bombarded with ideas of what we ‘should’ look like and the size we ‘should’ fit into, every day. It’s hard, but so important, to remember that this ideal only serves to keep us unhappy and dissatisfied, since the ideal is unattainable for 99% of the population. Did you know that the average size in the U.S. is actually a size 14?
Finally, I want to say that the ideas I listed above may not work well for you on their own, given that eating disorders are not simple problems with simple solutions. I highly encourage you to seek support, if you haven’t already, in the form of a mental health care provider - anything from professional therapy to even just a school counselor. You are at an age where your body is growing and changing, maybe not as much as it was when you were a freshman, but it’s still not 100% mature yet. Holding yourself to the standards you had at 15 is unrealistic, but I also know that it’s not just a matter of “oh ok, I’ll just get over it cause some lady on the internet said so.” So please, find support if you don’t already have it, because acceptance of and even love for the body you have will only strengthen your magic. So much of the energy we use for our practice comes from the bodies we live in, so the better you can love and care for your body, the stronger a witch you will be.
I wish you all the best, and please feel free to check in again and let us know how you’re doing.
Much love, Your Witch Mums.
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im not in the slightest defending this chick, her behavior makes me extremely upset and uncomfortable. even if im not going batshit crazy like everyone else and sending her death threats because apparently thats okay now even though we’ve actually had artists in the past take it seriously and attempt to take their own lives it doesn’t mean i’m defending her. i’m defending the idea that we shouldn’t show our asses to someone who already doesn’t seem to respect us and instead educate them on why it’s not okay. the more we all act like this, LGBT+ and POC, the less respect we’re going to get.
when you go to a singular artist who in no way shape or form can affect your day to day life in a direct or physical way literally just has morals and views that are actually pretty disgusting and you harass and threaten them, thats not going to want to make them think “huh well maybe i am doing something bad and i should change that!!” like everyone seems to think it does. it’s just going to put us in a bad light, it’s going to put the games and the developers(who are remaining neutral) in a bad light.
it’s easier, healthier, and more mature to ignore the thing that bothers you and will definitely be forgotten about in a week. the more attention you give this artist, the more people who were simply curious will show up and become supporters. thats not what i want, that’s not what you want. so just drop it and ignore the cuck.
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a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis.
i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--
i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression.
OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.
so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.
something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.
so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies.
cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women.
he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.
he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds.
so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see.
he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day.
ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--
okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i
i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.
and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.
you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!
and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!!
leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.
because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others.
which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!
i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes.
when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”
#long post tag#LIKE. this is simply one example#i still generally go ''nah hes a Dick'' but ive been. more and more. just bein like#''but...................... b- but........ tht poor guy :(''#and im so lost. i feel like im in a wind tunnel of confusion#maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like#getting more comfortable w/ saying im trans and acknowledging im A Dude#so idk. but. still. life is weird and bad and i dont understand#maybe im loosing the Female Perspective. maybe in a month i'll be an incel complaining about Femoids#(im joking)
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things i want to do in the coming decade
1 January 2020
1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years
2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here
3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em
4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write
5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help
6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music
7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way
8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so
9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried
10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic.
11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances
12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)
13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis
14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno
15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)
16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling
17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed
18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche
19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two
learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)
20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself
extra:
21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-
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