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timeofjuly · 8 months

Note

Hello! Ive recently started reading your work and its soooo good! Falling back into my undertale fixation since elementary lmaooo. I was wondering if you have any hcs based on the 3rd chapter when Quinn asked mc if they were in a relationship but what if they were 😳 like for a month now or just seeing someone. What would be the game changer or will she let it go? Im just rlly interested and loveee a jealous moment tbh 🤧 (quinn always number one in my heart though)

Thank you so much, I’m so happy that you’re enjoying! I also have randomly found myself back in the fandom after years, but it’s been really fun!

I can do you one better than headcanons – I love this idea and I love pining, jealous Quinn (I am also procrastinating finishing an assignment but shhhhh), so here’s a little ficlet 😊

truths that bleed through the universes

“What about you? Are you seeing anyone?” Quinn asks. She’s afraid to ask the question; a preexisting partner would be the ultimate complication.

At the question, your face brightens, a smile rising to your lips. It’s not the sad expression of before, all downcast eyes and a furrow between your brows. This smile is her favourite, one that she’d once seen daily, a smile that makes you seem as though you’re almost taken aback by your own delight. Quinn wants to make a home in the warm depths of it, burrow so deep into the happiness that you’ll both lose track of where she ends and you begin.

“Well,” you say, and that sunshine is in your voice, too, each word tinged with gold. “I was single for ages, but I actually met someone just over a month ago, and we’ve been seeing each other since.”

“Oh, nice!’ she says and god, she hopes she doesn’t sound as crushed as she feels. Her mind scrabbles for purchase against the jagged edges of the dismay that fossilises in her chest. “What’s their name?”

“Seraphine. Hang on, I’ll show you a picture,” you say, reaching into your tote bag. “You’d really like her. She lives in the apartment below mine. We met because Steven’s a fucking Houdini and managed to escape from my balcony down onto hers, it’s a really cute story. She reckons that Steven’s our cat-cupid. Oh, here you go-.”

Quinn accepts your phone. On the screen – it’s your fucking lock screen, shit -there’s a photo of you and a monster woman, grinning into the camera. It’s a selfie-style picture and the woman’s cheek, a vivid royal purple covered in fine, downy fluff, is pressed to yours, smooshing your smile into an adorable, fishy pout.

“Cute,” she says weakly. “A month, huh?’

“Yep. We’re taking it slow, but I’m not seeing anyone else, and I don’t think she is either. I’ve even deleted Tinder off of my phone.” The words are said with raised eyebrows and enough seriousness for her to realise that that’s apparently a big deal.

Something ugly sits on her tongue and she’s self-aware enough to name it jealousy. The irrationality and unfairness of it – she has no leg to stand on, since she’s in a relationship with eight other people – doesn’t make the feeling any less potent. It writhes in her, a living creature, filthy and starved and pacing the length of its cage, gnawing at the bars.

Does she make you feel as good as I can? Does she know you like I know you? There’s nobody who can love you like I can love you. I know you agree. You agree, right? I know you’ve been chasing my shadow for five years, just like I used to chase yours. We’re both a little wrong without the other.

Quinn takes a deep breath and fixes a smile to her face, cooing appropriately when you begin telling her the story of Steven’s jaunt to the downstairs balcony. This is a setback, yes, but all isn’t lost. She really does think that you’re at your happiest when you’re with her, and you’ve always agreed. Reminding you of that might be tricky, but it won’t be impossible, and once you remember? This girlfriend will just be another notch in your bedpost. Countless people have made their mark on your past, a blur of friends and enemies and lovers, and she’s fine with that, because all of that lived experience is what makes you you.

But your present? Your future? That’s all hers, just like hers is yours, if you want it. She’ll give it time, show you how good it feels to with her datemates and remind you how well you fit with her, and let you make up your own mind. Let you choose.

If there’s one thing that all of the dimension fuckery she’s been exposed to has taught her, it’s that some things are universal truths. Every Sans has a Papyrus. The humans trapped monsters Underground. The sky is blue. The grass is green. These are principles that permeate everything, bleeding through whatever separates each universe.

This is another one of those truths. There is no universe where Quinn Lawson isn’t in love with her version of you, or a universe where you aren’t in love with your Quinn Lawson. You always choose each other, in the end.

Quinn’s already made her choice. She just has to wait for you to make yours.

#RTC asks #quinn/reader #quinn lawson #the electrician #resisting the current #thank you so much for this ask! I had so much fun writing this #parallel circuits

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xomoosexo · 3 months

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I’m gonna be honest I don’t think I’m even as excited as most of the fandom is by really any dream content, like I like him and all but I’ve found that what I really enjoy is the community here on tumblr and y’all’s silly posts and random discussions and memes and art. I rlly like stuff such as mcc and squidcraft and hunt and run, but otherwise I get bored like right away, and I don’t very often finish dteam YouTube videos (tho I’ve watched all the manhunts). It’s strange bc I do like them but idk, I’ve lost the fixation I had on their content maybe. Though I don’t feel sad abt it at all bc you guys are still there :)

I think that's normal!! I like the community a lot too and I don't think I would be invested in dteam if it wasn't for the fandom here either! and on the youtube video front I'm not even that big of a fan of them either in comparison to streams which is how I got into them. buuuut I loooooove participating in watching them together with y'all and all posting about them cause it's fun!!! I'm glad you aren't afraid to lose your fixation! and that we can bring a little joy:))

#askies

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ichorai · 3 years

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mint and minecraft ; c.s

requested by @gyukult (7 + soulmates au) for my milestone celebration !!

pairing ; soulmate!san x reader (gender-neutral) ft. neighbor!seonghwa

summary ; in which your soulmate moves in with the neighbor you have a crush on.

themes ; angst, slight fluff, soulmates au, neighbors au

words ; 3.6k

warnings / includes ; cursing, implications of losing a loved one, general sadness, happy ending :D, reader is a lonely hermit, san is a loser but he's a cute loser, seonghwa is the best friend everyone needs, mint chocolate ice cream debacles

a/n ; gah i'm sorry i took so long with this and ,, it's not my best work but </3 at least we get dorky san !!! i hope you like it gyu cries sorry i couldn't make oc more like you WKJKDJF i rlly tried ;-;

masterlist.

There was nary a moment in your life that you ever recalled wishing ill to your soulmate. Sure, the crude words imprinted across the inside of your wrist were less than savory to read, but you would never go so far as to hope they’d step on a lego or anything just as malicious. Although, taping your wrist to obstruct the offending phrase from the rest of society’s view admittedly grew to be an annoyance. I’m going to shove a stick so far up your ass your eyes fall out was what it read. You could only hope that it wasn't directed towards you.

Today, however, your clean track of ill wishes was no longer the squeaky crystal slate it once was. You were thinking anything but positive thoughts for your soulmate, mentally cursing them to oblivion.

“Oh… you have a soulmate? Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Seonghwa, your cute neighbor that you’ve very much been harboring not-so-subtle feelings for, tilted his head to the side upon seeing the dark marks etched in your skin. Up until now, you were sure he reciprocated your interest, but he made it abundantly clear he wouldn’t want to be involved with anybody with a soulmate brand. Messing with the sticky webs of fate wasn’t a part of his life agenda, it seemed.

Curse destiny. You didn’t even really want a soulmate.

Heat flourished over the apples of your cheeks, a blazing inferno crawling through your skin. You quickly moved your wrist behind you so that he wouldn’t be able to read what it said. The situation was already embarrassing enough as it is.

“Never came up,” you answered lamely, knowing that was a pathetic attempt to lie because you and Seonghwa have broached the topic of soulmates several times. Waving your other hand in a limp, dejected fashion, you offered him a meek slant of your lips. “Sorry.” There goes the one chance of romance you’ve had in longer than a year.

Before your neighbor could respond, the sudden loud clamoring and shouts emitting from his house’s direction had both of your heads swivelling to the white picket fence separating your lawns.

An unfamiliar handsome man stood on Seonghwa’s side, cropped-short raven hair glistening with sweat, as was his very shirtless chest. Anger splayed across his sharp features as he glared at your neighbor with the intensity of a dozen suns, and you couldn’t help but skeptically wonder just what Seonghwa did to him. You directed a questioning glance towards your ex-crush, who heaved out a sigh and pinched the space between his brows.

“I’m going to shove a stick so far up your ass your eyes fall out!” he shrieked in a particularly high register, flailing a clenched fist about in the air.

Your heart dropped to the floor.

What did he just say?

Incredulous, your pupils flickered down to the words on your wrist. The same words stared back at you, bold and unchanging. You blinked once, then twice. A third time for good measure.

Oh, shit.

“Did you throw away all my fucking mint chocolate chip ice cream? You asshole!” The mystery man continued to wildly babble on, carding a hand through his short tresses. He hadn’t even noticed you were there, an angry gaze fixated on your sheepish neighbor.

Your soulmate liked mint chocolate chip ice cream. What were you to do with this information?

“It was expired,” Seonghwa replied in a haughtily defensive tone.

“I bought it yesterday?!”

With an amused chortle, the man beside you turned back to fix you with a pointed gaze, momentarily glimpsing back down to your wrist, but his irises were quick to return back to your face. “I guess I have to head back before San’s head explodes. I can’t stand mint choco ice cream.”

Your soulmate’s name is San. An uneasy lump formed in the back of your throat.

Before Seonghwa could step down from your porch, you blurted out, breathless, “Who is he?” Was that the thunder of your pulse roaring in your ears or was it about to rain?

Those pretty lips of his puckered to the side as he replied, “A friend of mine. Also known as my new roommate. Might not be for much longer, though. I can’t seem to peacefully listen to ASMR when he’s just in the other room, screaming at Yunho in minecraft.”

Your soulmate plays minecraft. You would’ve found the thought amusing if it weren’t for such a heavy revelation prowling rampant in your cavernous thoughts.

A fake smile crept across your lips as you waved Seonghwa farewell. It wasn’t hard to notice the way San’s blistering stare bore into you as you dawdled on your porch. He lifted a hand to wave at you, questionably enlivened for someone who had just been yelling obscenities two seconds ago. You didn’t wave back.

Your soulmate was living next door to you with your ex crush. With a disdained sniff, you shoved your hands into the pockets of your frayed jeans; whether it was because the wind was whispering chills into your bones or because you didn’t want to risk catching sight of the foul words embedded into your skin, you couldn’t tell. The door slammed none too gently behind you.

It was a gloomy Sunday when Seonghwa invited you over for dinner.

As reluctant as you were to go, you eventually caved in at the prospect of free food. The door swung open as he greeted you with a neighborly grin, stepping to the side to allow you into his home.

Your eyes swept over the living room, warm tones of amber and beige accentuating his otherwise pale living room. If not for the candles casting an earthly glow throughout the room, the dark skies would’ve made for quite the macabre atmosphere. Seonghwa, ever the gentleman, offered to hang your coat up for you, and you had to shove away the incessant fluttering feeling within your abdomen, pointedly avoiding his gaze.

“Hope you don’t mind. I ordered pasta for dinner.”

“That’s fine with me,” came your off-hand reply. Your line of sight traced the pictures hung up on the wall, most of them bearing Seonghwa in various stages of his life. It felt as if someone had stuck a lighter beneath your heart when your eyes landed on an unfamiliar picture, looking exactly like a mini version of San.

Your soulmate.

You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t lost sleep mulling over that man. Someone you barely even knew, embedded his words into your skin and inked your wretched fate into a system that you didn’t even trust. It was safe to say that your mind had swiftly tricked you into disliking a man before he’s even uttered a word towards you.

“San!” Seonghwa leaned against the staircase’s bannister, as he hollered out, “Come have dinner!”

Several thuds thundered from above, which you presumed to be his none-too-delicate footsteps. It felt as if a boot had landed against your ribs, knocking all the air from your lungs once he came bounding down, a loose beam twisting his lips. He was quite the striking man, even that you couldn’t deny. A fitted long-sleeved shirt hung off his broad shoulders, and short strands of his hair were styled in an upwards sweep.

“Hi! I’m San. You must be Y/N, right? Sorry for what you saw the other night. I got a little…” With a bashful flush, he gestured to his head whilst whistling a high-pitched arc in an indication of his slip in temperament that fateful evening. You merely arched an eyebrow in response, nodding stoically in acknowledgement.

He seemed taken aback with your reaction, or lack thereof, smile fading into a ghostly purse. Finding even the thinnest shrapnel of guilt within you proved to be a difficult feat. You, quite frankly, wanted nothing to do with this man. Fate had no right telling you who you belonged with.

The heavy atmosphere lingered and festered until Seonghwa clapped his hand once, pointing to the dining room and ushering the both of you to take your seats.

Silence was merely the noise of the unheard, you came to realize when you took your seat. So many voices, yet so quiet the room. It was painfully obvious how Seonghwa eyed you warily, as if he wanted to ask you about your soulmate. Who is he? What does your tattoo say? Why didn’t you tell me?

Instead, your neighbor conjured an elaborate anecdote involving an empty wine bottle and burnt pancakes and irritated firefighters. You huffed out a wisp of a laugh, but said nothing in reply, merely twirling your fork and downing the free dinner in a wolvish manner. The quicker you ate, the quicker you’d be out of here.

The mere prospect of speaking in front of your soulmate left a bitter taste in the back of your throat. Perhaps if you just never spoke, the topic would never be broached.

San was also uncharacteristically mute, pathetically staring into his spaghetti to avoid your gaze. If you hadn’t known any better, it seemed your soulmate was scared of you. Your thoughts only confirmed themselves when you reached over the table for salt, and he flinched away, so much so that his fork stumbled from his grip and clattered to the floor, crimson spidering through his face as he flushed deeply.

The softest mumble fell past his barely-opened lips, “Sorry.”

“Don’t use the same fork, that one’s dirty,” Seonghwa gently scolded while plucking the utensil out of his roommate’s hand. “I’ll get you a new one, hang on.”

As he disappeared behind the kitchen, you turned to San. The blush was still there, stark and prominent. You didn’t even realize you were grinning like a lunatic until the man across from you leaned his elbows onto the table and queried in a reticent tone, “Why are you smiling? Is there something on my face?”

“I like that you’re afraid of me,” you said before thinking twice. Now was quite possibly the least appropriate time to joke around. You knew better than to play a game of cat and mouse with your soulmate you really wanted nothing to do with.

The ambience suddenly turned icy, and time frosted still. San was visibly shocked, nose twitching as his mouth fell agape. He struggled for words, lips trembling.

So much for having a civil dinner. Just what have you done?

“What did you say?”

Was it just the dim lighting, or were his eyes suddenly glassy?

“I…” You paused to study the intricate furrow of his brows, the firm setting of his jaw. “Nothing.”

San drew himself backwards at this, exasperation lacing his visage. “No, it’s not nothing.” The chair scraped loudly against the floor as he stood abruptly, hurriedly bunching his left shirt sleeve up to his elbow and thrusting the appendage towards you. Recoiling, you made the mistake of reading the words depicted across his inner wrist. You knew it to be true, but seeing it physically made it far too real, too close, too sudden. “Those are the first words I’ve heard you say. Are you my soulmate?”

You wanted to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the brazen question.

The door swung open and Seonghwa sauntered back in, merry with obliviousness, a handful of glinting forks in his palm. “Sorry I took so long, I wanted to polish these off before anybody used them. Usually I would’ve done it beforehand, but—” The words caught in his throat as he looked away from the now-shiny cutlery to the strange situation at hand. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” you said abruptly, standing up as well.

“You’re not saying no,” San bristled. “What does your tattoo say? It’s something I’ve said, isn’t it?”

From the corner of your eye, you could see Seonghwa’s gaze flit back and forth between the two of you in both befuddlement and mild annoyance. All he really wanted was a simple dinner with his neighbor.

“That’s none of your business,” you uttered hotly, pressing your wrist close to your chest protectively. “I don’t know you.”

Regret flashed in your soulmate’s eyes. He retracted his arm and it fell limply by his side. “Wouldn’t you like to?”

It was as if you could pinpoint the exact moment you broke his heart when you whispered out with the pain of swallowing glass shards, “No.”

The slightest flower of understanding blossomed across Seonghwa’s visage, the revelation leaving him stunned speechless.

“I’m sorry,” you said, backing away from the table, away from San. “Thanks for the dinner Seonghwa.”

The two men remained as silent as skeletons when you ambled towards the door and hurried back home.

Lounging about in sweatpants and buckets of saccharine ice cream condensating on your lap was supposed to be a fun activity. The little blue tub you were clutching onto seemed to now be your only source of comfort.

Take it upon your ex-crush to ruin that for you.

The doorbell ringing jolted you out of your mindless haze, and you nimbly placed the ice cream on the coffee table, hurrying to answer the door. You probably looked like the embodiment of hell, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

Seonghwa’s almost shy smile made you reluctant to be angry at him. How could you, when he was so sweet to you? A part of you wondered if the two of you would’ve been together in another universe where you didn’t have the damned soulmate mark.

“Are you okay?” were the first words he asked you, eyes shiny and round. If he noticed your haggard semblance, he didn’t comment on it.

“I don’t know.” You shrugged. “Okay would be stretching it.”

It surprised you when he spread his arms out, beckoning to you with a tilt of his head.

“I don’t need a hug.”

“Then I’ll drop my arms and walk away. Your call.”

With a horridly exaggerated roll of your eyes, you planted yourself forward and wrapped your arms around Seonghwa’s midriff. He smelled nice, like comfort and home with the faintest hint of vanilla. The two of you stayed like that for just a minute, before he craned his head downwards to peer at you. “Thank you,” you susurrated into the soft fabric of his white hoodie. Seonghwa merely hummed in reply.

“It’s not fair, you know,” it scared you just how raw your voice sounded, laced with fatigue and bone-weariness, “some people don’t even get one soulmate. Like you. But I already had one. Before… before San. And… and when they disappeared… my tattoo disappeared along with them. Then one morning, out of the blue, I woke up to a new soulmate mark. I thought it was impossible. Felt like fate was taking pity on me. I don’t want some cheap rebound destiny thrusted into my arms.”

One thing you admired so much about Seonghwa was his ability to glue back even the most shattered. It occurred to you that perhaps you never really had true feelings for him, but you just wanted to feel whole again, however selfish that was.

His touch was soft as he flattened his palms over your shoulders. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I heard losing a soulmate is like losing a part of yourself.”

You nodded.

“I think you should talk to San.” The exasperated glare you cast his way had him grimacing. “Not now, of course. When you’re ready.”

A huff of a sigh slipped out of your lungs, and you hunched over slightly, screwing your eyes shut. Would you ever be ready?

“He’s a big romantic, you know. Been dreaming about meeting his soulmate his whole life. Said he was so lucky to have one. I’m not saying you should… you know… be his soulmate, per se, but that brand on your wrist shouldn’t stop you from being friends.” Seonghwa regarded you with a wary look, speaking carefully, worried that he’s overstepped any boundaries.

You, being friends with San? A part of you internally scoffed, but the other part craved for bridging the gap that you’ve so desperately tried to create.

“Okay.”

A magnificent smile graced Seonghwa’s lips. “Yeah?”

The faintest of grins touched yours as well. Your neighbor always had a way of making you feel better. “Yeah.”

It took you around a week and far too many tubs of ice cream to muster the courage to speak to your soulmate. The wood felt cool beneath your knuckles as you rapped three times on his door, in tandem with the quick thumping of your heart.

“Y/N?” San’s voice sounded groggy, as if you had just jostled him out of slumber. Along with his rumpled thin shirt and slackened grey sweats, his hair stuck up every which way, and you found it kinda cute how he hid a yawn behind a fist and blinked at you blearily. “What’re you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk.”

“Sounds serious,” he commented behind sleepy yawn. “You wanna come in?”

The door parted enough for you to slide through. You avoided his gaze, instead peering around the cluttered room. There were plushies strewn everywhere, posters of several marvel movies plastered along the walls, a bookshelf of thriller novels set off to the side, and a large gaming console set up in the corner of the room. It was all so San that you couldn’t help but laugh slightly at his stiff figure in the doorway.

Your soulmate was a nerd.

“If I knew you were coming, I would’ve cleaned up more,” he said off-handedly while picking up the soft plushies on the floor.

“No, it’s nice.” You waved your hands in dismissal. “I like Iron Man too.”

San smiled just slightly at that, but it was quick to fade. “So, uhm, what did you want to talk about?”

Your eyes finally met with his and you exhaled a deep breath. “I… I wanted to apologize. I really shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. It was rude and inconsiderate and… I’m so sorry. This probably wasn’t how you envisioned meeting your soulmate, huh?”

A loose chuckle left San and he shook his head, “Thought there’d be a lot more screams of joy instead of angry yelling. I’m also sorry for being so forward.”

You winced at that, but dipped your head in acknowledgement of his apology.

After a gentle beat of silence, you moved to roll your sleeve up just enough to show him your tattoo. You thought he deserved to see.

“I’m going to shove a stick so far… Oh my fucking God, I’m so sorry,” San cupped his hands over his mouth in horror, ogling at you with an air of trepidation. “I can’t believe that’s been on your wrist for this long, I’m so sorry.”

His panic made you snort in laughter. “It’s not that bad, really. Way funnier than my last brand.”

The atmosphere froze over once more, and San rounded on you with a curious look. “You had another soulmate?”

“I did.” You shrugged. “They’re gone now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

Gulping, San scratched the back of his neck before uttering, “Well, for what it’s worth, I accept your apology. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’m happy just being your neighbor.”

“And how about friends?” The question surprised the both of you.

The beam that your soulmate directed towards you had a strange feeling you unmistakably knew as fondness blossoming within your ribcage.

“I’d like that,” San replied, the corners of his eyes creasing with how widely he was smiling. Then, he gestured to his laptop with an air of excitement. “If you aren’t busy or anything, you wanna play a video game? Maybe watch a movie?”

Too forward, you thought, slightly bemused. Jesus, being friends with him is going to be exhausting.

“Sure,” you found yourself saying. “What’re we playing?”

The rest of the afternoon consisted of playful quips and jovial teasing (because you absolutely destroyed San’s ego), the lively music of the video game he picked blaring through his speakers. At one point, Seonghwa even came in telling the two of you to keep it down, though neither of you took him seriously because he was grinning quite fondly at the both of you.

Soft pattering of rain hitting the rooftop a little after didn’t go unnoticed by you, and your pupils flitted from the luminescent screen to his window, observing the dark clouds weeping in the sky.

“Here, wear this if it gets too cold.” San twisted in his chair to blindly grab a dark hoodie hanging off his bed, refusing to tear his eyes away from the screen. “Don’t want you catching a cold in this weather.”

What a loser. He’s way too nice, you thought, but gratefully took the thick fabric nonetheless. To distract yourself, you slipped the warm cotton over your head, burying your nose in its collar. It smelled just like him, a concoction of sweet mint and something warm and raw, purely San. A part of you was alarmed at just how much you relished the scent.

The heartbreakingly handsome smile he shot your way had your heart stuttering out obscenities. It was quickly followed by a shout of protest when you picked up the console and proceeded to shoot at his character with a challenging cackle.

Healing was a slow, tedious process. Healing took time, far too much time. You knew that firsthand. Healing was an internal war that you fought with yourself every day, a battle of bones and hearts and pain, so much pain. Healing meant ripping yourself apart before glue was even in the picture. And despite all this, you were happy that you now had San to hold your pieces together while your tears dried.

Perhaps having another soulmate wasn’t so bad.

#ficscafe #kdiner #destinyversenet #ateez x reader #san x reader #ateez soulmate #ateez soulmate au #ateez san x reader #choi san x reader #ateez fanfiction #ateez fanfic #san fanfiction #san fanfic #ateez x you #san x you #ateez drabbles #ateez scenarios #san drabbles #san scenarios

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kizoojin · 3 years

Text

what i really like about daiya is the consistency, like a repetitive sequence but so subtle you have to like squint to make sense of it

like say, there's the three new first years that made to first string

the ever small yui, wolf-boy okumura, and then there's yuuki

the similarity to last year's first years are so obvious it's hilarious

yuuki is a genius batter like haruichi, yui and okumura are both catchers while sawamura and furuya are both pitchers, like come on now there's no way that ain't on purpose

yui is literally sawamura's counterpart, funny right?

both have high expectations of themselves

always wanting to improve, forever growing

while sawamura lacks experience, yui lacks physical

sawamura absorbs everything like sponge, while yui proves height is not the only thing you need in baseball w his skills

sawamura's fixated on miyuki's approval, yui's fixated on furuya's approval

theyre literally sunshine children

both work so hard, but very little recognize it

it took almost a year for sawamura's teammates to acknowledge him, yui tries so hard to play the position he wants to play but he's been tossed around everywhere without being able to really prove himself]

then there's okumura that basically is furuya

both had bad experience w their past baseball team

furuya came to seidou for miyuki, okumura came for sawamura (and maybe furuya too?)

they're both so competitive lolol

both also have trouble eating

they both had shoujo moment with the ppl they chasing LMAO, like come on when miyuki caught furuya's for the first time then there's okumura who warmed up sawamura for the first time

precious children

i fr think they meant for okumura to not make it to first string as fast like furuya did, but made yui make the first string just as quick like eijun didn't its wild, the consistency to these characters are so mindboggling

and then last is yuuki w haruichi

both have really deep respect for their older brothers

came to seidou to see what their brothers seen

obviously both "better" than their brothers

yuuki knows he can surpass tetsu, ryousuke knows haruichi can surpass him

ive not rlly seen much of yuuki, honestly and its sad bc his character is so comical lmaoo. very similar to his brother who so adamant on being so bad at shogi and not knowing it

daiya is such a slow build anime, it takes HELLA patience to like it. i honestly dropped the anime so many times and only went back to it recently bc i want more of miyuki, but then fall and daiya ii happened and gawd, im just mindblown bc the characters start to build up on you

i freaking love mei LOL, i legitimately hated him in the first season but this boy is so hard to resist

you dont understand how much i screamed when he said "I AM KING" like YES MY BABY LMAOOO yakushi makes me smile and i luv raichi and sanada, but man their participation in koushien despite losing to seidou made me eh for a bit bc kinda wild

seidou and inashiro been fighting to go to nationals tooth and nail for the last six or so years and then there's yakushi. i get why tho, but doesnt mean i like it

i also didnt like eijun much, but my baby grew so much you just cant help but love him. even his annoying shouting spree became so endearing, i look forward to it every time he's in the bullpen. that pitching he did during spring against Ichidai is so fucking precious like OMG i understood what the coach and miyuki were trying to do, but they were basically babying furuya knowing he was anything but that, furuya is stronger than that as miyuki put it and ik they have a lot of expectations on aces but god that scene made me so sad bc furuya's alone in his thoughts as it is then they left him even more alone even w eijun there to help him, help them. it's not just furuya that's fighting something, bc eijun is too, everyday and it hurt that they made eijun cry and made him feel like he's not even good enough to be prioritized when he can be so much more. even furuya acknowledges it and it makes me sad bc i really ship miyusawa, but at that moment, i just didn't

anywho i love daiya LMAO, im waiting for the moment the chapters are at least updated bc i cant take cliff hangers rn lolol

ALSO OMG LOL I FUCKING LUV HIS EYES HERE

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favoniuscodex · 3 years

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zhongli madoka au....hhh🤲

I really love homura as a character and adding zhongli into the mix is,, chef's kiss. the idea of having zhongli mentally tear himself apart w the moral dilemma of either a.) making sure s/o is equally happy and safe or b.) making sure that they are 100% happy no matter what even if the are upset. it reminds me of those "I dont care if youre upset, I'll do whatever it takes for you to live as long as possible because if I lose you then I lose myself too" kind of Yandere AUs if you get what I mean ? I'd like to think of the other magical girls being the adepti or his archon friends, people who he knew and loved for his whole life but had to watch die in the end,, so when he meets s/o who is just a normal human and learns that they've always wanted to fight as an adepti or archon he has to do everything he can to crush their dreams for their safety,,, he says and thinks it truly is for their safety but doesn't realize until the end that it's all for his own selfishness of wanting someone to have because fate wouldn't allow him to have his friends

I gotta watch rebellion again hhh :y

since i know dark content bothers some of my followers and it’s never rlly been brought up on this blog, i’d like to begin this with: i do not write yandere bc i am a sfw blog. :)

ah i wasn’t thinking of it in a yandere sense, but i guess in a way homura is a yandere if u really squint ??? but i believe that’s detrimental to her character to lump her in with characters like yuno gasai and such? cuz ultimately i don’t think she wants to do any of that. i don’t think she wants to isolate madoka or make her sad in the series, but she has to in rebellion out of this... innate compulsion thats arrived after literally about 100 times of repeating the same month over and over in order to save this girl. like yes, madoka broke the cycle, but homura doesn’t get her wish, which was to have madoka just... be a normal girl. idk. i think abt this series too much. it’s my favorite of all time. imho homura isn’t a yandere. i would do what she did if i repeated the same month almost 100 times trying to save a girl, only for the girl to “technically” be saved yet you’re the only person on the planet that remembers who she is and the only proof you have that she existed are some ribbons lol.

anyways. zhongli madoka au. the one i have planned out isnt a yandere fic at all. zhongli’s fixated solely on upholding his contract. if there’s romantic feelings involved, whatever, but at the end of the day, what matters is that he upholds the promise he made to the reader. adepti will be the other magical girls and the reader themselves will be an adepti. zhongli’s already massively fucking up his life by initiating the time loops — i can’t possibly see him doing this for a mortal. the gods view mortals as frailer and weaker (especially in xiao’s voicelines). but if it’s an adepti that helped form morax into zhongli..? i could see him throwing everything away into helping the reader.

#see in my head there’s an element of horror that comes with yandere characters that i just don’t get from homura #she’s just utterly broken and literally goes insane. idk if i would classify her as a yandere. if she is one #then she is an anomaly compared to the usual sadistic ones u see in media?#also hehe i don’t write yandere so zhongli au will not be one for that reason #nor did i ever plan or think of it as one ??? yeah i hope that makes sense hehe #//mail #tw yandere mention #kind of? just character discussion

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chattegeorgiana · 3 years

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It's 2021 & tbh I'm happy to see you still serving the truth. So many ppl hate Sakura it's rlly sad. I see hate for her from NH & SNS mostly about her "forcing" her feelings on others like she herself didnt realize that & was stuck trying the alleviate that be growing stronger as her main plot point. Her loss of development is 99% SP NH agenda. & honestly I still wish Sasuke got w/ NO ONE, not even Naruto. He wasnt good to anyone, even if he respected them. [1]

& in general I hate the idea that Sasuke HAD to end up w/ someone romantically to try find happiness & that person should have been Naruto/Sakura/etc. bc he COULD had a happy, content, redemption arc w/o a romantic partner. Not everything great in this world is driven by romantic companionship & Sasuke is honestly not cut out for it. I wish he had platonic healing & mending arcs, not this focus on finding the "right one" to bed with.

I will go down in my grave wishing Sasuke could be aromantic/asexual representation in a positive redemption arc of him making amends & fixing bonds w/o needing the "oh so powerful & miraculous" powers of romantic fixation.

__________________________________________________________

Well my parents taught me that a lie has short legs and it won’t last for long. And all you do is deceive yourself with lying so I took that lesson to the very heart through my upbringing and tried to stay as real as I can be.

I’m the type of person who prefers a hard truth over a sweet lie any day. I have ruined relationships with people because of this way of being. Because I met people in my life that preferred to be sweet talked than told the cold truth.

I am not like that, so yeah.

Now, as for the Sakura hate... well, idk but I’ve also noticed a change in fandom support. Yes, she is still hated but the support for her grew over the years. I’m telling you, it’s one of the things I noticed from the very beginning as I came back to the fandom.

But as I said in a thread on Twitter of mine, while I loved seeing that support, there are two factors that sadden me.

1. The love is directed at Sakura Uchiha, not Sakura Haruno and

2. The fandom as a whole has become a lot similar to the other side of the fandom that used to bully us Sakura fans back in the day.

Of course, I am talking general aspects, I am sure that there are some particularities here and there. But sadly that's the truth. Which made me think about the following things. Are people really liking Sakura Haruno or Sakura Uchiha?

Because it makes me wonder... where was this love back when Sakura was getting her heroine status ripped? Where was it? Are you loving Sakura now just because she's married into the Uchiha clan? Because if so, that's just sad. And shallow. Like ppl used to call her.

And I know it might ruffle some jimmies, but it's the truth. It's an honest and pure observation, after being gone from the fandom for so long. Don't get me wrong, I love that she's loved and supported now, but I can't help but feel that she is because of the wrong reasons.

As for Sasuke, the problem is that the show rewards him with something that Naruto worked for.

We’re never really shown how he is sorry about all the misery he put everyone through.

People say that ohhh, he was a victim. But wait. So was Naruto. He didn’t turn into that?

Not saying that what he did didn’t have an impact on him, but at the end of the day it boils down to CHOICE. Which Sasuke’s plot even is about. He CHOSE to go to Orochimaru. He CHOSE to kill Itachi. He CHOSE to destroy Konoha. HE CHOSE TO WANT TO KILL THE GOKAGE at the end!

And problem is that the plot doesn’t hold him accountable for that. And I will never shut up about how in other media authors don’t excuse the antagonist for his actions.

See FMA’s Scar. It’s the EXACT same thing. He had his clan murdered. Same thing. Genocide.

But do you see FMA’s plot excusing him for his actions like Naruto does? No, it doesn’t.

And I think that’s the core problem.

Like I always said: I have a love-hate relationship with Sasuke. I love the fact that he challenges the status quo, but I hate how he goes about it and how the story gives him a free pass.

Because it all feels hollow. Not to mention is a dangerous morale to leave behind. Especially to the newer generation of young adults who are shaping their character.

It’s sends a message that if you suffered, you get a free pass to do whatever shit you want cuz at the end of the day you get a free pass without having to work hard to get your atonement.

That’s why I love the fight in Jujutsu Kaisen between Panda and Mechamaru. Mechamaru tries to victimize himself and find excuses for his actions, but Panda tells it like it is.

Just because you have suffered, it doesn’t give you the right to be an ass, basically.

As for Sakura and her development, yeah. Everyone acts like an ostrich and hide their heads in the ground pretending that it wasn’t because of SP’s favoritism and mischaracterization that Sakura wasn’t hated.

Well it was that exact same thing that made people hate her. Like I know at some point back in the day, SP had to excuse themselves that noo, they don’t hate Sakura.

Yeah right... Cuz that’s why they made an omake where she was jealous of Hinata and how Hinata was stealing the heroine status from her.

They were slowly inoculating this idea into the fandom’s perception.

And I remember how I used to tell people about it back in the day. SSers as well.

Guys Sakura is gonna be sidelined because of this. She isn’t gonna be the heroine anymore. But did someone listen? Noo, they didn’t.

Because all they saw was the fact that I was a NaruSaku fan and to hell with me. Out of the fear of NaruSaku might potentially win, they preferred to just shut up.

And then guess what? TL came and they called Hinata the heroine of Naruto’s story.

And I was like lol, I goddamn told you so. But for you it was more important for NaruSaku to lose than Sakura keeping her status, right?

As for who Sasuke should’ve ended-up with? Well that is hard to tell. Ofc, personally due to my preference for symbolism and seeing the power balance, it would’ve been nice to see him paired-up with Karin.

Cuz I feel Karin had what it took to shake him up, cuz she didn’t take his BS. But that’s just me and I would’ve totally been okay with an arc like you proposed.

However, yeah, I don’t see him with Sakura at all , I’m sorry. As much as I would’ve liked to.

Hell, I should’ve been happy as a former SS. Yet I wasn’t.

But I guess this boils down to each person’s principles. And I know where mine lie. :)

#how do i even tag this?#it's so complicated #anti-sasuke uchiha #though it's not quite anti #it just is...#cuz this is a more complex thing

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todomitoukei · 3 years

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Since it was Dabi’s Bday recently I’d like to share some thoughts/ideas/headcanons about him. I hope you don’t mind, I rlly love your blog.

The flowers Rei thought she received from Enji were actually from Touya, because despite everything, this boy still loves his mom. He cannot resent her for what happened because he knows they were more or less in the same boat and she did try to protect him, which is also why I like to think that at the end of Dabi’s reveal video, when he’s done talking, he stands up to turn off the camera and just before the video cuts out you can hear a whispered “I’m sorry, mom” and the screen goes black. The volume needs to be on max to hear it, which is why most ppl missed it.

I saw this theory that Dabi actually does have 2 quirks, which is how he survived the accident and got his scars. (I didn’t quite get the logistics and I don’t believe it but it’s an interesting concept imo.) The theory is that he got his scars because his body cracked, the way a frozen mug would crack if u filled it with hot liquid. (Skin seems too stretchy to just crack like that tho so idk.) This would explain why his scars are so clean-cut and still need to be stapled. Also, his scars look more like frostbites rather than burn marks but idk. He totally has some form of chronic pain from his scars, or at least from the staples pulling on his skin.

He acts cold towards the LOV members, although he enjoys their company after a long time of being on his own, because he’s scared of getting close to ppl and starting to care cuz he knows how it feels to lose everything he cares about. He doesn’t want to feel what he felt when he had to leave his family ever again.

I rlly think Touya and Keigo knew each other as kids; not necessarily as friends but they’ve talked enough to exchange names at least once. I imagine this happening a bit before Enji caught Hawks’ dad, Keigo finding a patched-up kid near a park, asking him what happened, exchanging names and talking a bit, maybe playing in the park for the afternoon, and not seeing each other again. Just enough interaction for Hawks to later wonder “what happened to that battered kid?”. Dabi recognized him when they met years later during the manga time, he didn’t trust Hawks because his general rule is to not trust anybody, but deep down he hoped. (sry this is my DBHWK addiction talking, ignore this)

After the accident, he had to live on the streets and fend for himself for years, so he’s seen a lot of shit after that, which earned him 1) more trauma, 2) critical and cynical thinking, 3) limited amount of empathy and trust issues, 4) the admirable ability to call out BS like the drama queen he is.

And one thing that bothers me logistically is that we know Touya’s body was not made for a fire quirk as strong as his, but, that could’ve easily been solved with support gear? Like a protective costume to cool his body and limit the fire output to only his hands?? Why tf didn’t Enji bother to provide his oldest kid (who showed much promise to become a hero, mind u) with the proper resources he obv needed? I’m kinda salty abt this ngl.

Anyway, I’m done here. I hope you don’t mind me venting out these ideas. I rlly like ur blog and I felt like you and the lil community u’ve gathered here could appreciate most of these. <3

Thank you so much<3 I’m really happy about all these messages and all the interaction from you guys, it’s much appreciated!

I really love those theories, too! The theory of the flowers actually being from Dabi is one of my favorites. Also the “I’m sorry, mom” hello??? Yeah, I didn’t need a heart anyway, thank you....... :(

The frozen mug, though... a funnier mental image than it should be.

Totally agree with the LOV thing. I really think that part of him is just too fixated on his goals to destroy Endeavor that he can’t really care/think about anyone else, but I also do think that a part of him actively tries to avoid people and the risk of starting to care about them. If you think about how he most likely is aware that an attempt at killing Shouto or Endeavor would also probably result in his own death, he might not want to get attached to anyone because what if he gets second thoughts then? Or what if he dies and they then get sad about it? And he just knows that his faked death hurt his family (that whole “thought so hard about it I went crazy”), so him dying would now also hurt the LOV, therefore he tries not to get close so their pain won’t be as bad as it could be?

Endeavor definitely could’ve helped him, but we’re talking about the guy who gave up on trying to reach his goals after like two years LMAO. Just cannot take this man seriously. They definitely could’ve figured out a way. I mean, Dabi did more or less figure out a way on his own. He uses larger attacks right away and then gets into people’s heads as his secret weapon and as a way to take a little break from overheating. Imagine how proper support items could help him.

Heroes (and U.A.) focus far too much on their quirks and too little on all the other important skills needed for the job - just look at Uraraka who learned some basic self-defense at her internship, which then saved her life against Toga in the summer camp arc. Meanwhile, U.A. only lets them have some weird P.E. class where all they do is just use their quirks instead of being taught more basic fighting/survival skills? Heroes are just weird, and their education is a joke.

#thanks for sharing those theories♥#dabi #ask #Anonymous

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neo-shitty · 3 years

Note

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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hugispuso-archive · 3 years

Note

HI okay usually i feel embarrassed abt gushing directly in ppl’s inboxes but omg. episode 3 loki spoilers for anyone readin this but HOLY MOLY DUDE WE STAY WINNING. loki came out as bi in this episode (doubled with him being listed as “sex: fluid” on his tva mugshot) and i am SO HAPPY ABT IT‼️‼️‼️ also;;; there was a scene where he was singing in asgardian (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ ur so pretty king pls sing to me aha,,, also he came up with a rlly sad metaphor that “love is a dagger” and none of his previous relationships have felt Real and i just. ur so pretty king i will be ur real lover,,,,

ANYWAYS june 23rd/24th one day closer to your anniversary how you feelin my guy 👀👀‼️ what are the jose thoughts fo today??? if you don’t have any in particular, what are your pride headcanons for him? either way, he loves you sm!!!! — @recordplayershipping

oh no please, i actually encourage gushing! i absolutely love hearing other ppl's thoughts! but then again i'm not one who tells you what to do, just know that you are not bothering me or wasting my time at all! :]

AND YO!! that is so great omfg?! a canonical genderfluid bisexual man. nothing else can top this, everybody go home /j congrats to him! i'm super duper happy for you both. ^-^

he'll definitely sing to you, i know it >:3 if it's something that makes you happy, then there is no reason for him to hesitate. and he's sure of it bc you ARE his real partner, he's so grateful that you've come to his life and just your mere existence brings him relief that something is going the way he wanted it to be. uwu he's also very happy that you admire him that much, would he be the kind of person to tease you for it? 🤔👀

and oh um!! jose hehe. 👉👈 i am... really excited for our anniversary!! last year i wasn't able to do anything bc i was fixated on a different f/o, but i'm not exactly sure if i can also make something this year as well bc the thing in my head is practically difficult for me to do and i lose motivation when i think of doing it ;-; but it's okay, maybe i'll do something else. dunno what tho, so i'll think over it for now. as for pride hcs, i hc him as a cis bi! very simple i know. >_> but it's been embedded in my brain so there's nothing to change my mind jabsjsjdk

#┊ mailbox ┊#friendos ; scout !! ✰#aaa wow i didn't mean to ramble that much KSHSKDKDK #but!! i hope you're doing well! 💞#romantic f/o ; jose ✰#since he was mentioned (´▽`ʃƪ)♡#long post

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txicgf · 3 years

Text

holynshit I'm so sad wtf why am i so sad all the time i wish i wasn't so sad :(((

i feel so bad for little me who was so sad :((( im nfine with current me being sad but my heart just breaks for like.... 6-12 yr old me :( before i got to this she was so full of sunshine and smart and all she cared about was everyone :( i hate thinking bout little kid me but she was just so lonely and so so so sad. probably sadder than i am now but didn't even know :(( she didn't know any better she was just little and she taught herself everything and and just wanted to learn about the world and never had anyone :(

it's rlly rlly rlly hard for me to realize I'm the same person as her . bc of the just . 4 yr chunk of time missing i only go off of what i was fixated on at the time bc that's the only thing i remember but :(( i remember rlly little me and i remember me now . rlly little me was years smarter than her age and would have existential talks with dad in the car and asked questions about everything and rlly rlly loved everything with her whole heart :/ i know i was a little kid and just untouched by the world then but i miss it so much. i miss her. i miss gram. i wish i didn't have to grow up at 7, i wish gram never died and i wish things didn't have to hurt as much as they do like they do all the time. i want to act like I'm getting better now but the only time I'm there enough to know im not doing good is when im fucked up beyond belief and the biggest reason i developed such a random intense fear of death i think is bc of how fucking close i was to ending it right before, and all i think about it getting skinnier and it's the only thing that makes me happy but at the same time i know it will probably kill me but i really wanna let it so at least i don't have to blame myself for my own death. i want to give up the control the idea of suicide has always given me because im just so tired of everything. of fighting the brain bullshit, if trying to make myself like me, all of it. im so tired of it all and every day i wish some world ending event could happen so i dont have to be responsible for it. there's nothing left of me that seems to not be poisoned by my own self destructiveness and the only things keeping me here are my rabbits (whom i think i should not have at all this point because i don't deserve them and someone else could take much better care of them even if they're the one thing in my life that means the most to me over everything in the whole world) and dippers and losing weight. the only reasons I'm staying is because i HAVE to see myself skinny and i HAVE to be with my loves until they pass. i can never be away from them even if i wanted to, it's just not something that's possible.

i am so fucking drunk rn lmao idk how im making so much sense. idk. i just feek

i feel very missing being small and happy and i miss gram. i miss her so much it physically ails me it feels like. i hate that im never going to see her again and i need there to be an afterlife because i have to see her again somehow. she has to be happy somewhere. i have to know that wherever she is she's happy. she's with rocky, or fighting bears or she's with me, idk, i just need to know where she is. i hardly remember her anymore but she's still my ultimate comfort and the person that I know even if shes literally fucking dead, she still loves me somehow. i miss her so much all the time, I've gone through all my life now with this gaping hole within me that it's just a part of who i am. i know what the emptiness is now and it's missing her. the last time i felt truly safe and loved was before she died, and i haven't known a day of true peace since, which sucks balls because it's been 10 years now . there's no one in my life i love more or am ever going to love more and she was gone before i could even really know her. all I've got are sugar coated memories and pictures. i wish i knew her. i wish she were here. i want ghosts to be real just so i could talk to her again. i just miss grammy so much :((

the reason i feel so bad about little me is just bc she went through that alone i think. i really wish someone had been there. i wish everything would have been different. im so tired of who I've become, i hate myself with every ounce of me. i hate that im the kind of person that wastes her time on wishing things were different too hhh .

jm sad and drunk I'm gonna stop now b4 i get really actually suicidal

#vent #drunken ramblings

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