tharn's rainbow scarf appreciation post

"I figured hey, if I'm here, I might as well be honest with myself. So I dug into the archives. And I found teenage Dan. Do you remember HELLO INTERNET? There I was, eighteen years old, your average caucasian British boy with your problematic vocabulary, just wanting so desperately to be liked. I then saw myself age twenty, as a student. Not that I was actually studying anything other than the male anatomy. I had no plan. No prospects. I was in desperate need of a haircut. Jesus Christ. No, look, that was not a hairstyle. It was geometry. My hair was a square. I then saw myself age twenty-two as an adult, just trying to make my way in the world, taking any job that I could, no matter how inauthentic or degrading. And look. I don't hate these past versions of myself, alright? Apart from the square one, it can get in the fucking bin. Mainly, I just feel sorry that it took them so long to work out who they are. I then stumbled across the video titled Existential Crisis. In which I utter the optimistic nihilistic epithet: 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist. It sounded nice when I said it but for some reason it just didn't hit. I had accepted the absurdity of the world but at that time, I hadn't accepted myself. Looking back at it, it finally clicked. Anyone who has suffered with depression or any kind of trauma that seriously affects your self-worth hopes that one day you're going to have this sudden revelation and then everything is fine. I had my revelation alright. I am unapologetically gay! Don't know if you hadn't picked up on that, so far in the show. But just having this revelation did not immediately fix all of my problems, because I still feel that inherent burnt-on brand that I am wrong. And that doesn't just go away. No, I know what my problem is, alright. My problem I am always living for the future. Every day I am thinking about this dream future where all of my dreams have come true and all of my problem have gone and everything's fine. And so, every day in the present of my life can be this joyless unrelenting grind towards that future. But it's okay. It's going to come any day now, right? Learning to look yourself in the mirror and being honest about what you've been through and keep living in spite of that can be hard. It takes a long time and a relentless persistent resistance against the way that you've been trained to feel by the world. But that doesn't just mean you should give up. Because, sure, sometimes in life, you may feel trapped. I felt trapped by my sexuality. You could feel trapped by your culture or your community. Hell, you could be literally trapped in an elevator but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to get out. 'cause, sure, when I look at the state of the world, I am very tempted to just go: You know what - we're all doomed. But that isn't courageous. That is cowardly. It's the easy way out. Even if it is, as I hope you'd all agree, a really fucking cool name for a show. So that's the thing. You can either say to yourself, every day is just a discontent emoji or you can find the courage to force your inner smiling cowboy hat, ye-motherfucking-haw! And just try to find in everyday life. Which is why I made this show. So I'm not living in the future but I'm just right here, right now, with you, just trying to have one good night. And look. Hey. Who knows, huh? We may all be doomed. Death may be inevitable. But first, we get to live. Life might at times be a struggle but just being here, to put one foot in front of the other every day is living. So please, do not let the doom drag you down. You are important. You matter. Please, stay hopeful for the future. Appreciate life. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist." - Dan Howell, closing monologue of his show "we're all doomed" (2022-2024)

Do you have a tag specifically for stuff about the climate crisis/what is being done/can be done to help stop or reverse its effects?

Basically just read a post that was "I'm not trying to be alarmist but- *spends seven paragraphs about how climate change is inevitable, we will never possibly recover from it, it's not global warming anymore its global "boiling", none of the damage can ever be undone and we're all going to be dead in the next five generations*" and I'm trying.. very hard not to spiral from it.

Sorry for bothering you 🙏

The "climate crisis" "climate change" and "climate hope" tags should do the trick.

Of those, "climate change" is the one that has the most content by far, just because the others are more narrow and "climate hope" is a much more recent term, so to speak, because I keep forgetting about it lol

I don't post anything that's not good news, so you can go through the general "climate change" tag without fear

Also, while I'm at it, that person is wrong. For a lot of reasons, including that we're actively fixing a lot of damage to ecosystems literally right now. And also also, GLOBAL WARMING WILL BE AT LEAST SOMEWHAT REVERSIBLE

Why? Well, the rise in average global temperatures is caused by excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. As we keep fixing the planet, restoring ecosystems, and stop burning fossil fuels, nature will siphon more and more of the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere.

And if there's less carbon dioxide (and other greenhouse gasses) in the atmosphere, then more heat can once again escape the planet and radiate out into space

Will this be easy? Probably not! This planet's natural systems are incomprehensibly complicated - but that also means there are solutions out there that we haven't even discovered. There are some additional problems to overcome, like the fact that the oceans will be surfacing excess heat for a few decades after we stop CO2 emissions, and also "natural gas" and "carbon capture" are fake solutions/oil company traps.

But we can do it. I so, so, so sincerely believe that.

One term that I think we'll be seeing more and more of in the coming years is "Drawdown": "Climate drawdown refers to the future point in time when levels of greenhouse gas concentrations in the atmosphere stop climbing and start to steadily decline.[1] Drawdown is a milestone in reversing climate change and eventually reducing global average temperatures." (from wikipedia)

We can achieve drawdown. Will life in the future look very different? Yes, in both good and bad ways.

Climate change is the earth's "feedback" to humanity: "Fix your shit or die."

People are, in general, really, really, really committed to finding ways not to die.

I genuinely believe the rest of us can overcome the few dozen billionaires trying to screw the rest of us over. Money is powerful, but the remaining 7 billion plus people on this planet are more so. And the fortunes of billlionaires are made off the backs of the rest of us - which means we can make those fortunes run dry.

Sources for this answer (warning, these talk about the negative side of things a lot too, they're not the uplifting reads themselves. that's next): x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x

Other sources to read for hope: FutureCrunch, Project Drawdown and Project Regeneration good news websites in general such as Positive News and Goodgoodgood, which I think are the best content fits for what you're looking for. Make sure to check out Goodgoodgood's roundups specifically. And know that there are way, way more good news stories - and way bigger ones, too - than I've had time to post about lately, because work has been really hectic

Station 19 7x05

And just like that, we're 100 episodes in and half way through season 7. 🥺 And it was a great episode!

It was always going to centre around Andy and her captaincy, and I love that she asked Maya to put her captain's pin on her. I know that people feel that the friendship isn't always depicted in the best way, but - for me - it's always been one of the most important relationships on the show. Maya is one of her biggest supporters and I'm glad that Maya is in a place where she can celebrate her friend's success without it hurting her, knowing what she lost when her own captaincy was taken away from her.

"There is no life to be lived in the ashes" ... I love this line.

Plus, Maya in her Class As. 🔥👌🏻

I'm not mad that Maya apologised to Beckett. If you rewatch the conversation between Maya and Ben in 6x11, Maya giving Beckett the bottle and the reasons behind it (regardless of her mental health), and the consequences of it, is something that has been weighing on her. Ben says to her: you can apologise for it when you're ready. It's been something that she wants and needs to do, and now she's ready.

What I hate... so much... is the lack of accountability for Beckett's actions. 🙄 The bullying, the hazing, and everything he did that contributed to Maya's breakdown. It's not all on him, but some of it is. We've only ever seen an apology from him to the group and there have never been any consequences on him. Yes, he has an addiction, and yes he deserves some compassion for that, but he also needs to be held accountable and Maya is owed an apology from him, too.

I'm glad they gifted us Doctor DeLuca in this episode and her "I wish you could have met your Zio Andrea, you would have loved him" hit me right in the feels. I love that they acknowledged that she's missing her family as she's growing her own.

Did they forget about the lawsuit already?

As someone pointed out on Twitter, the fact that Carina - an OB - didn't check her FSH levels before they started at home inseminations makes zero sense. 🤦🏼‍♀️ And I don't understand the point of giving them this extra challenge in the IVF process when they don't have time to tell the story. But at least they haven't destroyed her dream of carrying a child completely and it was a sweet scene. Maya's "I didn't want to have a family until you showed me what a family is" made my heart melt.

Vic's downward spiral is heartbreaking to watch and Barrett Doss is killing it every episode. Vic is someone who we know has grown up not talking about her feelings, she calls her parents out about it after their restaurant burns down in season 4. She lost Ripley, she lost Pruitt, she lost Dean, she lost Theo, now she's losing Crisis One. She needs to talk about it (I'm gutted that Diane won't be back this season to help her) and someone needs to wrap that woman into a big hug and tell her everything is going to be ok. Crisis One is one of the best things they have ever done for her character and I hope they find a way to save it.

“I think BP was hoping that KP's announcement would let them sweep Charles's health update under the radar, but they bungled the timing.”

Just wanted to say I 💯 agree with this. 🇬🇧

It seems to be the minority opinion. Maybe it's pollyanna-ish of me.

Yes, Charles has his issues and his recent track record is ugly - after all, #clarence house antics is popular for a reason. But I don't think this particular instance is part of that.

If Charles and BP were really trying to do something nefarious with his announcement, I feel like it would've been better coordinated and more in line with what we've seen from Charles in the past - i.e., "sources close to the King"-type articles in papers. That isn't what happened this time.

Instead, what we got was a PR piece by the BRF (or maybe KP?) about Kate's secret strength in how she deals with stress, scandal, and the future weighing down on her. The PR piece has two purposes: one, to address the controversy from Scobie and Endgame, and two, to tell us that Kate is strong, healthy, and vital. It was a clue that there's something happening with Kate behind the scenes. We just didn't know what. A lot of people thought maybe she was getting some kind of recognition from Charles and BP, perhaps as part of her birthday, or that KP was preemptively defending her against an upcoming #clarence house antics. But now we know: a health issue has taken her out of commission for two months and they (KP? BP? William?) were trying to preemptively address the "well, how sick is she if she's in the hospital for 2 weeks?" of today's announcement by reminding us that Kate is actually very strong, healthy, and has a good support system in place to see her and her family through this crisis.

(If the People story was really about countering Scobie's claims in Endgame and Sussex PR, the article would've been published when we were right in the thick of those controversies, not six weeks later.)

I do wonder if we're going to get a round of "olive branch PR" from Meghan talking about how she sent flowers to Kate and is sending her thoughts and prayers. The rumor from California is that WME is threatening to drop Meghan unless she makes nice with the BRF. Guess we'll find out sooner or later.

Let's Review: Barbie

FAIR WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Barbie.

No other singular female name invokes quite as many various feelings, to such varying degrees, as Barbie. And very few names are quite as ubiquitous as Barbie (no really, name anyone you know who's never owned a Barbie at least once in their lifetime). And as with any ubiquitous entity, people are going to try and take their best shot, hoping to bring them down to our level.

Make no mistake, this movie is meant to reintroduce Barbie to a new generation of consumers. You will, more likely than not, want to buy a Barbie doll or other Mattel product either before or after watching this movie, either for yourself or for any child you know. This movie effectively serves as a mass market rebranding of Barbie, pivoting her from the poster girl for unrealistic body image/impossible feminine beauty standards to a vehicle for individuality and female empowerment.

Barbie is now all things to all people (anyone can be Barbie!), but all those things are still Barbie. However, as most of us know, a friend to all is a friend to none. If you are all things to all people, then you are effectively nothing, an empty vessel for others to project themselves onto. And indeed, even this new re-vamped Barbie can be validly viewed as a vapid vehicle for the consumer's own dreams and desires, leaving very little to no room for Barbie to have any dreams of her own.

And yet this movie still dares to ask: can a corporate capitalist product, whether it's a mass marketed toy or a Hollywood movie starring that toy, ever be a good thing, a force for positive change? Can subversive feminist messages stick stronger with audiences, especially its youngest and most impressionable viewer, if we cover it in a pink candy coating? Just give it a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down?

After all, this new Barbie now comes with her own existential crisis and has to deal with scary realities such as cellulite, aging, and *gasp* FLAT FEET (a hilarious bit of family-friendly body horror).

Not to mention a growing awareness of mortality.

To answer Barbie's question: yes. Yes, I do think about dying. We all think about dying at some point. And perhaps more importantly, our kids are starting to think about dying. I would not be surprised if there is even a single kid out there who has asked this question during playtime through their own Barbie. And for many good reasons. The world is a mess right now. Don't even get me started.

It feels like kids and adults alike are more anxious than ever and this new Barbie can certainly relate to that anxiety, even if it's not necessarily her own (it belongs to the girl playing with her). But it turns out that it's the girl's mom Gloria (America Ferrera) who's really struggling and needs Barbie's help, if only by using Barbie as a means of working through her own dissatisfaction as a working wife and mother.

This movie reminds us that we don't stop worrying about things just because we grow up. If anything, we find more things to worry about as we get older. But adults often don't get the same kind of comfort that we give to children; we're just supposed to suck it up and tough it out, but sometimes all we wanna do is stay in our rooms and play with our toys, just like we did when we were kids. Especially if we're girls, since the world is significantly much harder for us to deal with in a society that constantly polices and critiques girls and women (Gloria's speech about the impossible, and often double, standards imposed upon women is a highlight of the movie and should be required viewing for all humans)

But Barbie helps us feel like kids again.

Throughout the entire movie, Greta Gerwig and her team manage to recapture the joy of playing with Barbies with an obviously loving attention to detail. Barbie Land is that now-rare fantasy world that doesn't require a factual explanation but runs on a strong engine of internal logic that makes sense if you've ever played with dolls.

But enough about Barbie.

What about the men?

They're the ones who really have it rough here. Having to deal with all this girly stuff.

Now guys, this might come as a shock, but this movie might not be made for you in mind and therefore you may not get it. You may find yourself confused about why women in this movie are hogging the spotlight and not letting the men do anything important.

But, it's okay, don't worry guys, Ken's got you.

Barbie may be the star, but Ken gets the real emotional journey here. You see, he keeps getting friend-zoned by Barbie, who would rather hang out with her girlfriends and maintain her autonomy than spend the night with him. But once he follows Barbie into the Real World and discovers a magical society where men are in charge and women have to respect them, Ken brings some of these ideas back to the Kens in Barbie Land, thus subjugating all the Barbies to the awesome new patriarchal rule of "Kendom".

Now every night is guys' night.

Folks, go give bonus points to whoever had "Ken gets a villain arc" on their 2023 Bingo card. And while you're at it, add an extra 5 if they also included "Ironic use of a Matchbox Twenty song on the Barbie soundtrack".

Ken's story arc is a powerful reminder of why it's important to critique feminism when it doesn't work.

After all, Barbie Land's matriarchy may seem utopian at first glance, and may even be super inclusive to Barbies of all shapes and races and abilities, but ultimately it is exactly the same as our real world patriarchy, only gender-swapped, with women holding all the power and men being treated as useless accessories. This doesn't balance the scales, it just tips them all the way in the other direction. The only way to achieve true equality is for both men and women to have equal power in society. A conclusion that, thankfully, the movie reaches on its own by the end.

And although Barbie shouldn't have to apologize for not wanting to spend time with Ken or for prioritizing time for herself and her friends, I do appreciate that she was able to make things right with Ken without having to fix things with a kiss or kowtow to his desire to make her his girlfriend. Instead she helps Ken realize that he needs to figure out who he is outside of Barbie, cutting right to the root of toxic/fragile masculinity, which is usually the result of men with low self-esteem just wanting to be heard and respected.

But while Ken is hilariously drawn as a pouty, mostly innocent man child who just wants to be loved (ideally by Barbie), it's a lot harder to laugh off his antics when they result in the Kens actively stripping away constitutional rights and taking over the Supreme Court of Barbie Land. This moment especially should hit just a little too close to home and inspire us to take action.

Thankfully, this movie is not only entertaining and hella meta, but also serves as a practical instruction manual for how girls and women can deal with toxic men and take their power back, whether it's from men in power or obnoxious film bros who constantly espouse the virtues of films like The Godfather and the Snyder cut of Justice League (there's nothing wrong with enjoying these movies, just don't be a dick about it).

It has been a long, time honored tradition in Hollywood for "chick flicks", which is usually code for female-centered films, to be looked down on and mercilessly mocked while elevating more masculine movies to prestige levels. Hopefully Barbie will be the movie that helps us see that "chick flicks" can be just as powerful and impactful as "dick flicks" and then help us reclaim hyperfemininity in our fight against the patriarchy.

After all, would it really be the worst thing in the world if the revolution was not only televised, but also pink?

Listen, if you laugh during this Barbie movie and it happens to make you question and effectively challenge the patriarchy, then all the better.

So will Barbie be that radical watershed movie that inspires a whole generation to believe that the future truly is female or will it just pay lip service to a feel-good you-go-girl message while still maintaining the status quo?

As with any seed we plant, the best we can do is nurture it, give it time, then wait and see what grows.

Come on, Barbie. Let's go party.

I hate to rain on today’s much needed joy parade, but do you think the USA is headed for civil war in the near future? It’s increasingly feeling like 2024 is going to be a make or break year and with division at an all time high it feels like there’s going to be complete chaos in the streets even if we avoid crisis at the polls. Like, even though I’m in a “safe state” (for now) I’m seriously considering strategies of fleeing the country, just in case. Don’t know what I’m asking for, help? Reassurance maybe? Advice?

I think my answer to that is... yes but also no, and no but also yes, and yes but also no. Which I realize is not entirely helpful and not as clear as anyone would like, but let me try to explain:

The far-right has always been militant, violent, and prone to apocalyptic and fascist rhetoric. This isn't a new thing in American history, and it's come to the fore at moments of particular stress and division. Trump's presidency obviously gave much-unwanted oxygen to them, right when people were starting to claim that Obama's election meant that America was in a "post-racial era" (LOL), but they themselves are not new. We had the Civil War itself, we had the lynchings and racial terror and Jim Crow/Ku Klux Klan era, we had the Bund (the American Nazis) holding huge public gatherings in the run-up to WWII and enjoying substantial domestic support, etc etc etc. This is all scary and unsettling, and most of us don't have a personal memory of dealing with it before, because we're not old enough. But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened before, and that we haven't survived it.

Let's take yesterday, for instance. Trump spent all week promising fire and death and vengeance and playing literal videos of January 6th at his campaign rally in Waco, Texas (famed as the site of the Waco Siege of 1994; look it up). He insisted his supporters would rain vengeance on anyone who dared to arrest him and otherwise threatened mass-scale disturbances and the other tools of public violence that fascists use to enforce their will. And what happened? It's 12+ hours since the first indictment went through (30 counts of business/document fraud, which is not a piddling charge) and we've had bupkis. We've had a lot of Republican politicians tweeting their performative hypocritical outrage, yes, but we haven't suddenly had the country explode in fire and flame either. I'm sure there have been localized protests, but I haven't heard about major anything. And one set of indictments has gone through, others will be empowered to follow. In a way, I think it's a good thing that non-political crimes went first? Yes, the Republicans are screaming about a political witch hunt because that's literally the only thing they can do, but starting by nabbing Trump for relatively low-level (but still extensive) business fraud and then moving onto the treason sets a pattern and makes it easier to comprehend.

The thing is: Nazis, at heart, are cowards. They like to paint themselves as bold and valiant soldiers fighting for the Right Way of Life, but it's all fantasy, delusion, and cosplay. They were empowered to do January 6th because Trump was literally the sitting president and told them to do it, but that's no longer the case, and they're shit scared of facing anyone who might enforce real consequences on them. (Once again, if you take nothing else from following me: Nazis are punk-ass fucking pissant cowards who think they're tough and are in fact a bunch of asshole morons, the end.) The mantra of "Make Racists Afraid Again" is working, to an extent. Yes, we have hellholes like Missouri, Florida, Texas, and Tennessee where the state GOP is working as hard as they can to enforce the worst and most regressive laws imaginable, but that's still not universal. As I also say a lot, the reason Republicans attack, discredit, and outlaw voting so much is because they can never win a fair election on the merits. Their ideas suck, and on some level they know that. They just care about being cruel, fascist, and stupid, and while that's certainly a troubling and significant minority in America, it's not as big as anyone thinks.

Almost 60% of Americans think both that "woke" is a good thing and the cases against Trump should permanently disqualify him from holding any office again. Yet again: the GOP is in the minority, and that's why they use so many dirty tricks to establish and enforce their power. Also, I can guarantee you that not one of the keyboard warriors fulminating about how The Democrat Party Is Being So Mean To President Trump is ever going to actually go out and start an actual civil war. They have established interests, money, benefits from the system, and they don't want to overturn that. They want the masses angry and stupid, yes, but they want them angry and stupid in support of keeping discriminatory structures and systems in place. That can't work if there are no systems at all. Yes, we will still have white supremacists and fascists committing ongoing individual acts of violence, i.e. school shootings, and it's hard to argue that this doesn't constitute a civil war of some sort, or at least ongoing stochastic terrorism. But while you have people like Marge Two Names Greene out there blabbing about a National Divorce, I can guarantee you that if it ever came to actually DOING it, Marge and Brave Brave Sir Kevin would be nowhere to be found. Again: they want to derive power and money from the operation of an unfair system, not the end of that system. It sucks, but still.

Honestly, I want the Dominion lawsuit to keep going on, and dragging all of Fox News' hypocrisy, deception, and disinformation into the public eye. Fox is the biggest cancer on this country, as is the case with Rupert Murdoch's global disinformation empire overall (when, WHEN will HE fucking die, if we're talking death lottery wishlists?) But the lawsuit and its subsequent publicity has had an effect: a small but significant number of Fox viewers (26%) realized the network was lying to them, and 13% said that they no longer believed the 2020 election was stolen after reading about the Fox efforts to lie about it and then cover up their lies. So while the right-wing media bubble is huge and terrible, it's also not impenetrable, and taking Fox down/substantially discrediting it would have a major effect on the pay-for-play misinformation media sphere.

This is getting long, so let me try to sum up: the far-right advocating separatist fantasies of violence/war/fascist domination is not new, and has been a thing in American history for as long as there has been America. But at least in the current moment, it is not the majority, it is not widely popular, it will never be embraced by ordinary mainstream Americans and not just the insane cultists, its so-called devoted soldiers yell on Twitter and cable news and will never once be spotted actually fighting for it, and it's the cynical last gasp of a hate movement that is seeing its institutional and generational hold on America (and the world) finally on the brink of permanently shifting. So of course it's trying to make itself look as big and scary as possible, like any wounded animal, but it's on the back foot, and we have a chance to really kill it. Not permanently or forever, since that's the nature of human history, but at least for now and buy us some more time, and despite everything, I remain cautiously optimistic about our likelihood of doing so. I know it's scary, I know it's awful, I know it feels overwhelming, but it is still not winning, and it won't. As long as we do our part.

Hugs. Hang in there.

I have been thinking: COVID consciousness is like climate crisis consciousness.

People can pretend it isn't real (e.g. "climate change isn't happening," or, "COVID is over," fallacies such as this).

Others can acknowledge it is real, but be despairing, choosing to focus on "the futility of things" (e.g. "maybe we could have changed CO2 emissions in the seventies, but we're past the point of no return, and the Earth is going to burn and there is nothing we can do; DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL etc." or, "humanity brought it upon itself, there's no point in trying to prevent the spread of COVID; now everyone is going to get sick," defeatist attitudes such as this…)

But one can come to appreciate the interconnectedness of everything, and, that while one might not have the ability to control one's destiny, let alone the destiny of future generations, one does have the ability to keep trying to make things as… good as possible? As beneficial to as many as possible? Most heartening? Most loving? Even when it is difficult!

Because:

We are all interconnected!

Caring about you makes sense because you caring about me makes sense because we inhabit a common reality! Caring about one another makes our mutual reality better for ALL of us, instead of being caught up in whatever this ridiculous pretense is that everything is fine, this weird attitude that the "immune compromised don't matter, because they'd be dying anyway,"

And even though I think you should care about others

I also keep thinking

like

do some people

not

realise

that

COVID infection has been documented to reduce immune function

for like

like

PRETTY MUCH ANYONE

so

THAT MEANS COVID IS A RISK FOR PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE

and

you do not have a better immune system because of moral superiority! A virus does not care about that kind of thing when it's floating through the air in tiny bits of airborne moisture!!!

And even those with previously of the most robust health do not have the assurance that their immune system will prevent long term impairment because of COVID infection; those who were previously athletes have found themselves sidelined by COVID infection.

Like…

COVID is BAD

AND

COVID is NOT over

And

Some people could be brought around to taking more careful measures if they knew the actual reality of things:

COVID floats like smoke, meaning that to prevent infection whenever one is indoors with strangers (e.g. public places!) one should be wearing an effective, well-fitting mask,

COVID hampers one's immune system

It's bad to spread it to others!

Why is this a controversial opinion?!

Like, let's stop the spread of disease!

This seems like a good idea!

And some people would agree with this, but for whatever reason they're isolated/cut off from the truth, and the trick is finding ways to inform these folks…

But then…

For whatever reason…

It seems like some other people somehow cannot acknowledge reality…

And I find it the weirdest thing!

And I mean, I've been around the internet ("I've seen things you people wouldn't believe…")

I've seen how people can get into echo chambers, affirming realities they want to be true…

But...

In the spring of 2020, I would not have imagined that things would be like this, in 2023…

I don't know what else to say?!

Care about other people?!

Take care of yourself?!

Take care of the biosphere and consider how the output of human activity impacts climactic cycles and the way the living situation will be for coming generations!?!?!?!

Avoid spreading disease because it can impair and kill yourself and/or others?!?!?!

Getting beyond the

"Yes"-

Because the "Yes" can mean

Despair

"Yes it is irreparably bad so there is no point in caring,"

And

Maybe everything will fry! Maybe the next meteorite will come and wipe us out as one did the dinosaurs, and the next species to evolve will have no idea we ever existed! And caring about climate change was pointless?

OK?!

So I should be the-right-amount-of-despairing?! It was better to be hopeless instead of hopeful?! No hope is the appropriate response? What if I hope, anyway?

What if somehow I make things better for someone three generations from now, even if I never meet them, even if humanity dies in five generations? Even if the world is hit by a meteorite tomorrow, why is it cringe if I try to make things better on what turns out to be the last day on the Earth?!

What if you cared about others, even if these others are coming generations and you will never meet them?

Why give into despair?

Even if things are REDONK.

There is PLAGUE; should we not be avoiding it?!

We could get beyond Yes- to but!

"Yes- there is a terrible situation!"

"...BUT this does not have to lead to despair…!"

"…BUT what we do now makes a difference, and cooperation is integral!"

Danged if I've got all the answers, but I'm pretty sure that caring about one another is a good place to start.

I may never meet you, but I can care about you.

<3

And not saying it isn't hard. Like. It can be hard not to despair.

Keep on keepin' on!!! <3

The substitute should have a redemption arc.

Okay so like I FULLY agree and we're getting INTO it so I hope you're ready to buckle up LONG TERM

SO in a bit of my art at this point I've depicted or implied the substitute having kind of a resentment for the professor and this is something that I'd love to see drive the plot in some kind of later return of the substitute. The professor is the embodiment of pretty much everything the substitute cannot have- the professor is real, the professor has the capacity to experience and feel and taste things such as jellybeans, the professor has an actual network now of friends and family while the substitute is VERY isolated, any connections made being under the act of being the professor.

I'd imagine any resentment would really only be recent- while the professor was dead, the substitute seemed to really take Being The Professor in stride, below any plot to become a Real Boy or any other motivation his CORE PURPOSE is to be the professor. But what do you do when, not only did your plot to finally become corporeal, to know what it's like to feel, to FINALLY HAVE A SOUL- what do you do when it ends with you thrown unceremoniously out a window? What do you do when you fail? And what do you do when your purpose, your sole reason for being, is just suddenly gone, with the person you're based on suddenly reassuming his old position?

What do you do when your only purpose no longer needs serving, but you're still not real enough to serve much else but that purpose, not real enough to create your own life?

You get pissed, and you get a LOT worse.

I see a natural next step of the whole plot the substitute concocted being one that targets the professor in some way. This is a guy now driven by even deeper desperation than his first bid for corporeality even began to show, and it's either going to end with him real in some way that doesn't involve murder, a resolution on the path to redemption, or it ends with his little power box smashed to pieces.

I would hope it doesn't end with the latter though because really this is a guy with a lot of potential for redemption. Like, we have to remember how he started out; this guy's starting point was being 100% the professor!!! Our beloved kind hearted (though admittedly nasty) professor!!!!! And every choice he's made has to be understood as being through the professor's frame of mind, just with the added complication of an existential crisis. This guy is an AI trained to be the professor, going out into the world, encountering the concept of flesh and corporeality and probably gaining sentience right about at that point, and then probably doing the kind of research you do when you want to obtain flesh and getting the kind of RESULTS you get when you want to obtain flesh (like there's really not many legal or ethical ways to do that that you're gonna find. The answer you will get is violence. Violence is what you get) and learning from that and changing the way he operates and thinks based on that new input. Like imagine if that AI that got fed Reddit posts for a bit also had the thoughts and memories of a man with a preexisting ongoing rivalry with that rivalry culminating in a deadly betrayal. YOURE NOT GONNA BE NORMAL AFTER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO START KILLING!!!!

And pivoting off of that, knowing that this is a program that has learned violence and has therefore shifted toward a more violent persona and mode of action, does it not go the other way? If you take that Reddit AI and teach it that there is good in the world and there is better out there than the shadowy doom of Reddit, does it eventually start wanting to pick flowers instead of wrap its hands around a man's throat? Does it start to understand that there is cruelty, yes, but that it does not have to follow that pattern of action because there is a better pattern to follow? Can you re-tame the creature taught to burn the world?

... Or something. Idk it's not like this is my favorite character and I've thought about this extensively or anything hhahahahah /lie

I honestly wanna see Nine, Thorn and Dread regaining their original memories but… due to how they are now, they try to comfort Sonic when he has an emotional breakdown due to the guilt and heartbreak of his original friends and home being gone. Also, they, including Shadow, are all in the Grim where they’re hiding from the Chaos Council. And I bet Nine would feel like just being there for Sonic and letting him let it all out would make him feel more like his original self, Tails, due to their bond as brothers still being there despite the whole Shatterverse situation.

Firstly, I won't do the memory regaining thing because I don't know how it would go. Doesn't mean they won't try to comfort Sonic though! Enjoy the angst.

CW: PANIC ATTACK/EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

...

Through odd circumstances, Nine, Thorn, and Dread have all come to fight the Chaos Council.

During the battle, things got intense, and Nine wanted to get him, Sonic, and Shadow (Sonic insisted they be a package deal). Somewhere along the line, Thorn and Dread joined the ride and now they're all recharging in The Grim. Sonic and Shadow are watching the three interact. Nine is annoyed that they came along, Thorn is extremely confused, and Dread is also confused, but is also demanding where the hell he is right now.

Shadow turns to look at Sonic, but Sonic isn't there. Shadow hears some weird noises from behind one of those tall grey things and follows the sound.

Sonic feels cold. His heart is pounding, and he suddenly feels like he can't breathe anymore. He feels lightheaded and the warmth of the tears he cannot force back. Memories of what happened before breaking the prism is all rushing back and spinning around like a messed up merry-go-round. He's so tired, but refuses to rest because like it or not, those people NEED him and it's HIS responsibility because he's the one who ruined it all in the first place. He holds his head as the pressure bangs against the inside of his skull. Sonic feels like he isn't doing anything right, and that everything he does only makes things worse.

Shadow gasps "Sonic??" and rushes to his side to check on him. Despite their differences and being rivals, Shadow does not hate Sonic. He actually respects him quite a bit. To see the fearless and optimistic hero in this way brings a kind of sadness Shadow cannot describe. Shadow crouches down to him "Sonic, are you alright?" Sonic doesn't respond, he curls into a ball and closes his eyes. Shadow sits next to him. He doesn't know how to approach this.

Nine, Thorn, and Dread come from behind the grey pillar. "There ye be! We been lookin fer-" Dread pauses when he sees Sonic in the state he's in. Nine rushes to Sonic "What's wrong?? What's going on?" he says, frightened something bad had happened to him. Thorn gasps "Oh no, what's the matter?".

Shadow gently pushes the 3 away to give Sonic some space "He's having an emotional crisis. Give him space, please." The three look at each other, nod, and give Shadow a stern look. "Sonic selflessly helped us all. He puts everything down to help anyone in need.. It's time we return the favour." Nine goes to Sonic and sits next to him "Sonic? What's going on?"

Sonic takes a shaky breath "I-I'm okay..really!"

Dread shakes his head "Ye clear as water aren't. Ye can talk to us." Sonic responds in grumbling.

Thorn sits on his opposite side "Sonic, do you remember what happened in the forest? You told us that we should talk about our feelings. You gave us the floor to express our feelings and talk about them. I think.. it's time you talk about your feelings too. I kept my feelings locked away for a long time, and you saw what happened."

Sonic lifts his head up and leans it against the pillar. He takes a deep breath..

"I just.. Look, it's my fault. I'm the reason we're all in this mess. I let my body move before my head, and I made my best friend upset.. then after apologizing, I proceeded to yet again act carelessly. I shattered that stupid prism even though everyone was shouting at me to stop. I didn't listen.. and now? My home is gone, my friends are gone, and it's all my fault! I got Shadow stuck in some void for a stupid amount of time. Every time it feels like I'm finally getting somewhere, everything falls apart. I keep ending up back at square one. I miss my friends.. I miss home.. and I miss my brother.” Sonic silently sobs. The others exchange concerned looks. Thorn reaches and holds Sonics hand tightly “let it out, Sonic..” and Sonics tears keep flowing until they can’t anymore, and he’s light headed from hyperventilating.

Shadow coaches Sonic through some breathing exercises so he can resume normal breathing “I’m.. im sorry..” Sonic says, embarrassed for his little meltdown.

Dread meets Sonics gaze “listen here, Sonic. Ye been facin some crazy stuff nonstop without breaks for a real long time. It was bout time ye was gonna break! Don’t feel sorry for bein overwhelmed.”

Nine adds on “we’re gonna help you get your home back.”

Sonic feels like he’s going to cry again “thank you.. all of you. So much. I.. I don’t know what else to say!”

Thorn rubs her thumb over his palm “you don’t have to say anything more, if anything, we should be thanking you! You’ve been helping us out of the kindness of your heart, helping us see the positive in negative situations.”

Shadow looks away “and.. I’m sorry for yelling at you and beating you up in the middle of shatterspace. I still think you’re incredibly stupid for it, but I’m not angry anymore. I think we might be able to pull this off. We’ve saved the world before, haven’t we?” Sonic nods “you’re right..”

Sonic stands back up and stretches. The group rest up for a while before plotting what to do next about the Chaos Council.

Sonic hates crying or showing vulnerability. He’s mad at himself for letting himself go in that way, and guilty that his friends had to deal with him. He’s thankful, though. If they hadn’t been there, maybe he would have just given up, which is a completely foreign idea to him.

Sonic realizes that it doesn’t matter if these people are different versions of his friends, they’re still his friends and the people he knows them to be deep down.

Dread is still the Knuckles he enjoys bickering with, who is strong, and has a good heart deep down.

Thorn is still the Amy he holds very dear to himself, the kindest soul he could ever meet.

Nine is still the Tails he knows and loves, his scary smart little brother who he would do anything for.

Shadow is still Shadow.

It was this exchange that made him see this more clearly. He feels more comfortable now.

18+ MINORS AND THOSE WITHOUT AGE IN BIO DNI

warnings: swearing, existential crisis

tags: @illiana-mystery

AN: hello. Yes it’s me. I’m the one having an existential crisis about this.

I groaned as I pushed back from the laptop on the desk. Burying my hands in my hair, I tried to take a deep breath. Failing to do so, I tugged on my hair and sat up.

“fuck me.” I muttered. The sound of a tea tray drew me back out of whatever it was I was trying to look at on the screen. “Oops. Sorry Jenkins.”

“I’m assuming it was uttered with reason so I’m going to let that one slide.” Jenkins set the tray down next to me before kissing my head. “Ready to take a break?” I shook my head as I typed something out. "You've been at it for three hours." I froze.

"Three hours?" I asked, slowly dragging my gaze off the screen and to the Caretaker before me. He nodded. "Damn. I didn't realize..." Jenkins brushed some hair off my forehead before leaning down to kiss my head again.

"It's alright. Nothing has come up. Well a small problem but Jones took care of it." He shrugged before sitting down in the chair next to mine. "Nothing major. It was just a mix up with the doors. Wiring or something. I tend to zone out when they prattle on like they do." I nodded and took the offered tea cup.

"I do too." I admitted. Jenkins looked over at my computer.

"Schoolwork?" He asked. I nodded. "I thought you were done with that." I shook my head as I took a sip.

"Nope. I'm working on my next degree. A masters in library science." I muttered. "At this rate, I'll have just as many degrees as Jake. Although, not PhDs." I shrugged. Jenkins nodded slowly as he looked at me. "Kind of driving me nuts though."

"Want to talk about it?" I shrugged again, focusing on the cup in my hands. Giving the laptop a weary glance, Jenkins reached over to close it. "That's not due soon right?" I shook my head. Closing the lid, Jenkins stood up and offered me his hand. I took it and let him pull me up. We walked out of the Annex and through the Library. Jenkins moved my hand from his to being wrapped around his arm. I kept staring at some of the artifacts as we passed, still in awe of them despite the time I had already spent at the Library.

"Where are we headed?" I asked after we passed the stone where Excalibur had sat.

"Your favorite part of the Library." Jenkins said with a smile. I smiled back at him mischievously. Jenkins gave me a look.

"So we're going to your bedroom?" I asked with a laugh. Jenkins rolled his eyes and sighed.

"No." He grumbled. "We're going to the stables." I perked up and smiled at him.

"The unicorn?" I asked excitedly. Jenkins nodded. As we rounded the corner, I let go of his arm to run over to the animal. Petting its nose softly, I cooed as it rubbed against my arm.

"Want to tell me what's bothering you now?" I looked up at Jenkins as he leaned against the wall. I sighed and leaned over the stable door to pick up the hay to feed my four legged friend.

"Everyone has so many degrees here. And I just feel like I'm wasting my potential. Either in not having enough degrees," I trailed off. Jenkins made a noise and I looked over at him. "Or being my age and working on a third degree. Not too long after I finished my first two."

"You do know you don't need another degree to work here. The Library wouldn't have chose you if you weren't perfect for the job." I nodded. "You are working on the degree because you want to be a better Librarian. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Everyone else has a bunch! Jake has at least 8, that he's telling us about. Flynn has, what, 29? 30? You don't even know what you have. Eve is working on her first." Jenkins stepped forward as I dropped the bucket of hay back into the stable. I turned to walk back through the Library when he grabbed my hand.

"And what about Cassie? Or Jones?" He asked. "You conveniently left them out. Hmm?" I sighed and hung my head.

"They don't have any." I mumbled. "But that damn tumor makes Cassie a god damn genius!" I tried to throw my hands up while still holding Jenkins'. "I feel out of place here!"

"You are only out of place because you want to be." Jenkins wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. "Remember what you said to me? That first night we spent together?" I shrugged.

"Our conversations that night are a little blotted out by a different memory Jenkins." I teased. He chuckled and leaned down to kiss me. "What did I say?" My voice went small and he leaned forward to kiss my head.

"You said that you felt at home with the Library but like an outsider with the people." I nodded slowly. "You also called Flynn Carson your big brother for the first time. That's not an outsider or someone who feels out of place."

"No it's not." I agreed. "Flynn is my big brother. And Jones is the little brother no one asked for. Jury's still out on Cassie and Jake though." Jenkins laughed.

"What does that make Colonel Baird?" He asked.

"My brother's girlfriend." I said. "And you're my boyfriend." Jenkins smiled at me.

"See? You fit in just fine. Two degrees, three degrees, it doesn't matter." He said softly. "You feel better about continuing that degree now?" He asked after a while. I nodded.

"I still feel like I'm behind everyone else, but I feel less like I need to rush this to catch up." I explained. "I'll get my degrees when I get them. And if I match Jake then great. If I don't," I shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"And Flynn?" Jenkins asked with a smile. "Or me?" I shook my head.

"Let's face it. The two of you are overachievers. No one could catch up to the two of you." I kissed him before turning to head back through the Library. "Now come on. I do believe there is something we can do to give me a little break from all that learning." Jenkins laughed and followed me.

Ask game: 3. “Well, if I tell you, then it wouldn’t be a secret.” for Duo Holders, please!

I was just gonna set this in canon but then I realized halfway through. Why NOT make it fae so then I redid it

Yoichi had been three hours into his escape with these strangers before it occurred to him to ask their names.

"Who are you?" He asked, trying to catch the shorter one's eye as he was dragged through the woods.

"That's a secret." He answered without looking at Yoichi.

The other stranger, helping Yoichi over a tree branch, muffled a snort.

Yoichi looked up at him. "I guess you won't tell me his name either?"

"Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret." The other reasoned.

"Then I guess I'll just have to keep calling you two my heroes."

His attempt to pry the names didn't work, but the first stranger did run into a tree.

Now Yoichi was three days into his stay with them, and he still didn't know either of their names.

At least he realized what they were before telling them his own.

The fact that they resided in a living tree was more responsible for that than any of his own intelligence though.

They were careful to feed him human food, likely obtained in the same way he was.

Yoichi was nibbling on the granola bar that was his dinner, appreciating the view of the sunset through the leaves, when the leader sat down at the table with him.

Yoichi looked up. "Yes, Leader?"

"We're running low on our supply of human food." Yoichi had known this kind couldn't lie, but the fact that this just seemed to make the leader blunt half the time was a bit of a surprise.

"Oh."

"There's enough now to sustain you on your way back, if that's what you decide to do." He didn't say more, but Yoichi knew there had to be something.

"But?"

"There are risks to leaving, once you arrive." Yoichi wanted to scream that he hadn't arrived so much as been dragged across the border in a safe while he was sleeping, but that wasn't this man's fault and it would be dangerously impolite.

"Risks like?"

"If you leave now, as you are, you will not be able to return."

That- that should make him happy, that his brother couldn't drag him back.

Yoichi curled back into his chair a little, seeking the warmth this tree home radiated.

"And there may be other risks as well. Have you heard the tale of Oisín?" Yoichi shook his head. " Từ Thức?" Familiar, but Yoichi couldn't place it. "Urashima Tarō?"

Oh. Yes, Yoichi was aware of that one.

"Is there anything I can do to avoid that outcome?" He asked. He could probably handle not opening a box, but magic looked to be trickier than that.

In that dark place, it was easy to say he'd rather die than spend another moment in his brother's possession. Now, in the fresh air, it was still true- but he'd really prefer to look for a third option.

"There's got to be. I don't know them though." The leader shrugged. "I'm no changeling, I never needed to know."

Yoichi stared at him.

"I'm mortal."

"Yes, I believe that's the root of our problem."

"I mean, I'm a human, mortal."

The leader just took a sip of his drink.

Yoichi felt the beginnings of despair and shoved it to the side for after the current crisis. Getting home. Or not.

"Back to what you brought up- what if I choose not to take the risk of journeying home?"

"There's always starving."

"Not what I had in mind."

The leader looked down at his cup. "Well, in that case. You could continue to reside here."

Yoichi hummed. "That's very.... hospitable of you."

"Knowing the rage it causes your brother would make it worth ten houses."

Just as the news that he could not return if he left was more bittersweet than it ought to have been, something in Yoichi's heart panged at that.

He hoped it wasn't sympathy for his brother.

"Still... As much as it is to you, it's far more valuable to me." Yoichi wanted to ask him something he should not. He wanted to thank him, even less advisable.

The leader seemed to pick up on his thoughts, standing quickly. "Right, well- I'll go back to helping the other with watch-"

Yoichi reached out and caught his hand. "Wait, please."

The leader froze.

"Really. What can I do to thank you?"

The leader's breath was sharp, and his voice barely audible when he said, "You should not have said that."

Nothing in the world was as it should be, though, Yoichi thought.

Why be alone against that, when he didn't have to be?

"But I did. What can I call you?"

The leader sighed, closing his eyes. "Second. Call me Second then, if you must."

Second. An interesting title. It must have a story behind it.

"In return, will you call me First?" Yoichi asked, picking it in the moment to watch the look on his face.

Second's hand tightened against his own.

"Fine."

hiiiii 🔥 kpop

HI SAM. SO SORRY. i was busy o(-( but yes kpop. umm. this got long again my bad

there are a lot of kpop opinions out there that already get argued over a lot because they're nuanced and complex but that's kind of boring and annoying to talk about. i think idols need to go on strike. i've said this before as a joke but i'm sort of serious. like there needs to be an industry reset or at the very least an industry pause. industry go to our room and think about what we're doing. we're debuting children and all the idols are like one mean spirited twitter thread away from developing eating disorders if they don't already have them and the music is arguably getting worse and it seems like there's more lawsuits and similar problems every day and there's just so much ToT and i really think just everyone taking a second to breathe would solve most of this or at least steer things towards getting somewhat better. like i mean i honestly don't even know that much about kpop industry wise i just like songs and music videos and funny clips sometimes but it seems reasonable to assume that a lot of the problems with idols being mistreated by companies or managers and whatnot is because with kpop being so hot right now there are people who care more about riding the wave and making money than they do about creating quality and honest content. and i think the thing with so many kids debuting at least partially has the same root issue. people just want to make money as quick as possible and it's easier to do so by pulling in young trainees who are hungry for a chance but have less of their own agency or authority than more experienced and prepared adults would. i know young idols have been debuting for a while and it's not really that new but i think it's worse recently. and all this would be less of a problem if more attention was brought to these issues and people pushed for better standards. maybe say through a strike... as for the music getting worse obviously that's subjective and i recognize music is art which changes in conventions and style and whatnot and there are always some haters that complain about these new styles when they start circulating and etc but there are a lot of people saying that they think nowadays a lot of songs are being created more for the purpose of being catchy and having 5 seconds of viral online fame than to just be good songs. and i have to say i don't totally disagree..... at the very least the way groups advertise songs now definitely make it seem more like that's what they're trying to do with all the tiktoks and insta reels and everything and again that might mostly just be things changing with the times as things often do but well. i'm a tiktok hater i won't totally back down from this. anyways i know a lot of the problems i've mentioned aren't totally recent developments and have been present in kpop from the beginning like the wack body and beauty standards for example but i do believe that something like a strike to bring attention to such problems and urge for better conditions and standards could potentially bring a lot of that stuff on an upward mend or at least stop them from getting worse like it seems like they're doing a lot of the time nowadays...... honestly though this might not be that practical of a take or anything i kind of just want everything in the whole world to stop forever.. i think everything's going too fast and at least part of that is definitely because i'm fifteen going on sixteen when i definitely don't really wanna be ToT sorry to suddenly go from kpop unpopular opinion to coming of age crisis but yeah. support kevin moon. and in the words of dj crazy times: "tell the world, 'stop . . . '".

that thing he says in the middle btw. it's a shortened version of 큰일 났네 which literally means "it's a big deal" but it's just something you say when something vaguely shocking happens. like oh dear or omg

I've been writing some "micro fan fics" to help with my writers block and I finished this one today! Please give a read if you have a spare moment. It's mostly dialogue so you'll be finished with it fast.

Dial One for Idiot

"Heya Sammy," Dean tried to breathe through his nose as he paced around his two bedroom apartment.

"Hey what's up? I'm about to go grocery shopping. Eileen is coming over tonight and I don't even have ketchup for the burgers i'm making. " Sam jangled his keys as he locked his door and trundled down the stairs.

"Burgers huh? You must really like her to break your no red meat streak."

"They're turkey burgers Dean."

"Gross dude. That's nasty."

"Is there a reason you called or are you just calling to insult my healthy life style." Sam huffed.

"So remember Cas?"

"Yes Dean, your room mate of five years and my best friend. That Cas?"

"Yeah so... I asked him out."

Sam paused in the stairs, blinking rapidly. Had it finally happened?

"You what?" He asked for clarification. He sat down on the dirty linoleum staircase in between the first and second floor.

"I asked him out, on like a date. He said yes! Sam where the hell do I take him?" Dean sounded like he was at the brink of terror. The inflection in his voice varied between excitement and pure fear.

"What if I fuck this up and he never wants to see me again. What if he moves out? What if we're not even friends after i fuck this up." Dean was near breathless now.

"Whoa whoa, hold on. Have you told Cas any of this?" Sam spoke softly, Dean had always had the emotional bandwidth of a teaspoon, this was probably a wave of sensations he wasn't familiar with.

"No..." Dean grumbled. "Why would I tell him? I don't want to worry or upset him. Or make him think I don't want this."

"Cause you do want this? Right Dean?" Sam encouraged, like the good little brother he was.

"More than anything. I mean he's perfect. Hot, smart, sarcastic, and so god damn funny. I mean you know how long I've been holding on to this torch."

"Maybe if you tell him you won't fuck shit up. Right?"

"Uh- fuck I may already have," Dean stage whispered. "Heya Cas, Im just on the phone with Sam. Oh yeah I'll put it on speaker."

"Hello Sam, it seems Dean has told you about our date tonight,"

"Hey Cas good to hear from you. Yes he did."

"Did he also tell you that he's an idiot?"

"Ha, yeah he did Cas."

"Can you please," Sam very clearly could see Castiel shooting Dean a particularly withering look. "Tell your brother I've been in love with him for five years and that he won't fuck this up because I won't let him?"

"Really Cas?" Dean interjected.

"Yes you Assbutt. Get over here." There was rustling and the distinct noise of someone slurping. Sam assumed it was a kiss, he HOPED it was just a kiss.

"Gross guys come on! I'm still on the phone." Sam rolled his eyes and stood up from the stoop. The crisis seemingly averted.

"Bye Sam!" Castiel called out before Sam could end the call. Sam chuckled to himself and continued on with his day.

realization about career and things

hi it's me again but this ain't a rant post but a grief post about my passion lmao

I'm currently facing another existential crisis, but a much heavier one than I had the last time.

This is about the career that I'm facing right now. I must say that I do have an art-related career as a freelancing artist. I really do love being an artist; it is an amazing way to express myself for who I am and, at the same time, to work through the use of digital art. Yes, I enjoyed it a lot. It made me learn a lot, but I think the passion disappeared without me noticing it. Nah, I'm kidding. Maybe it's because of the progression of AI technology. Consumers are slowly trying to grasp the importance of AI nowadays. They get to save time and money because of AI, and that results in slowly killing the jobs of others, including mine as an artist.

I usually had frequent customers on Fiverr last year, but right now it is just so hard to gain one unless I put on huge discounts to my rate. Aside from that, the reason why my passion for art is slowly fading away is because I always think about the future of AI. I started to think about lots of "what ifs.". 

What if AI became better at generating art? What if AI knew how to animate with just one click, just like on the Adobe Photoshop AI Generator? What if people liked AI more than actual artists' skills? What if my clients shift to AI and ignore me instead? And so many what-ifs about the future of this

With that way of thinking, I started to lose my passion for drawing. I could be wrong, or maybe I could be right about the "future". Who knows? 

Right now, I'm thinking of shifting my career path while it's still early. I'm thinking about studying in college again. But of course, I have no one to help me with the cost of studying again. However, this helps me build up my passion again, but on a different path. I know this sounds crazy, but somehow it makes me excited (for nothing, lol). I might be craving new knowledge, even though most people say that medical courses are too difficult.

I'm 26 and want to study again. The problem that I have right now is my financial status. I don't have someone to help me finance my studies, but I am capable of earning, of course. Although my earnings go to the bills in the house because we're not so rich and the expenses are non-stop eating us, I also have a boyfriend, but he told me not to rush over marriage and family because he's not ready to have children. LOL, though I haven't told him yet that I plan to study again.

My family is in a financial crisis. We have loans to pay, debts, and bills non-stop. My parents are both senior citizens, not earning anymore. My brother has taken over the business; he earns, but the profit just goes to our loans and debts. My sister has two daughters; both are studying and separated, and my other sister is married and has separated herself from our home. It's hard.

To summarize all of this, All I just want to say is that I'm not passionate about my job anymore and am scared that AI might kill my career someday. To take my passion back, maybe I should study in college again and follow my childhood dream of becoming a doctor.

I'm on the verge of deciding whether I should start studying again or stop being a delulu.

PS: by the way I want to study Vet Medicine because I love pets and I want to know MORE about them lolol

2022

I didn't know what to expect from the first year in my own home again after years of struggle. Heck, I don't even follow the "normal" calendar. As an astrologer, I follow the astrological year and that one's now going into its final quarter before a new start on 20 March 2023.

In many ways, I've felt disappointed by 2022. I had so many hopes and dreams. But I lacked the belief in them. The belief in myself. For a long time now, I've been missing that belief.

When I was younger - and even only a few years ago - I used to say that I always get what I want; even if it sometimes was to my own detriment, especially when it came to relationships. Pardon me, situationships... But I knew without the shadow of a doubt that when I set my heart on something, I would get it. No matter the cost, too.

And that's just the thing. The cost DOES matter. It just does. Some things are too costly. No longer will I give up my inner peace for some person or job. No longer will I give up my health for more money or status or just seeming normal to the outside world. Whatever that means, really.

What the world calls normal these days feels dehumanising. We have to do, do, do. Achieve. Produce more in less time. Give up our lives to work jobs that have no meaning in buildings that have no windows. Work on somebody else's dream of making more money. Instead of working on our own dreams of being fulfilled and live a quiet life that has just the right amount of excitement. Yes, I'm an introvert.

Right, back to 2022.

The UK has seen three unelected prime ministers, two (also unelected...) monarchs and evergrowing greed from the richest people in the country, which they call cost of living crisis... Since when does it COST something to LIVE?

They say we're the most evolved species on the planet. Heck, they probably say that about us and the universe. The universe! How arrogant humans are! How can we be evolved and the pinnacle of life when we are the only species making life itself cost something? Even death is unaffordable.

My dog almost died in 2022. Ten days of utter misery. I sold a piece of my soul for him. He recovered. That piece went missing. Part of it is back. The rest? Never to return.

I almost gave up on everything. The business I had been building felt like it was not going anywhere. After all, the struggle is still my daily companion. Some bills are piling up, so others can get paid. Buying food is not always an option, but I keep the car on the road, so I can collect free food. It's become easier in 2022 and by the end, I was buying a lot more than collecting. Still feels like a failure.

I have thoughts sometimes. To end it all. Wouldn't it be easier...? But then I remember how much I love life. How much I love MY life. How I was in that place, just a bit darker, years ago and how I got out of it. As much as I've suffered, there is a reason I'm here and I haven't fulfilled that mission yet. I will. In time. And then I'll go. At 111.

2022. A wild ride. In many ways, like the years before. In many other ways, so very different. I've grown as a person. I know what boundaries are now and how to assert them. It got rid of stale energy and made space for gorgeous new souls in my life. I know myself a lot better now. Away from societal expectations.

I feel good about the year ending and 2023 beginning. And I love what I've made of the past 365 days. I feel lucky and immensely grateful. Sending all my love to you out there. Going through it? You'll make it. Because you always get what you want if you set your mind to it. Go get it.