s/o 2 my cousin for actually having my.back and lying to my.mom abt if im on anything. Real actual mvp thanks for that ily keep it up

Dear Lara Jean,

HI. so i watched TATBILB: A&F a few weeks ago, and I have some words. Before I begin, i'd like to preface that i'm literally 17 and have no film experience, and that I've read this book once maybe 4 years ago but here it is.

ps. if you haven't gotten it already: there will be spoilers. Heavy spoilers.

first of all, i'm sorry but i really didn't like the little edit things. Maybe I've reached that point in my life where I don't f with that anymore. Like when theres a drawn house and it slowly fades so it's real life?? no thanks

the music choice... I honestly didn't have that big of a problem with it, but my korean friend kept going "wtf is this music choice" so i'm quoting her on that.

the filming and editing. well maybe it's just me but I didn't really like it. yk when you're watching a youtuber and they do those zoom in things and it's sort of fast and funny? I think there were a few times the movie did that and i didn't like it.

literally, lara jean looking directly into the camera?? it feels like it's breaking the 4th wall and maybe they're doing it to be edgy but no thanks i didn't like that either.

WHY???? Her breaking the 4th wall added NOTHING to the movie. It just took me out of the experience. I especially didn’t like it when they did it in PS I still love you when they temporarily broke up.

THEY SET THE MOVIE IN OREGON. WHAT WAS THE REASON. THE BOOK WAS SET IN VA, AND I LIVE IN VA SO I FELT A CONNECTION TO THE BOOK. AND THEN THEY GO AND SET IT IN OREGON. WHAT. WAS. THE. REASON

OREGON DIDN’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THE COLLEGES. THEY’RE STILL PRETTY FAR AWAY FROM STANFORD. IN THE BOOK, UVA WAS CLOSE BY SO LJ WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE TOO FAR AWAY FROM HOME. NO OFFENSE TO THE STATE BUT WHY OREGON. THEY COULD OF PUT THEM IN CALI AT LEAST

ONE OF THE REASONS WHY LJ WANTED TO GO TO UVA IS BECAUSE HER FAMILY WOULD BE CLOSE BY. BY PUTTING THEM IN OREGON, YOU TAKE AWAY THAT REASON. i just want to 👊 whoever’s idea this was

FURTHERMORE: THEY CHANGED UVA AND UNC TO STANFORD AND NYU. I AM INFURIATED. THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT THEY WANTED TO GO TO UVA BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE 10 MINS FROM WHERE THEY LIVED AND IT'S A STATE SCHOOL. LARA JEAN FELT LIKE THE WAS GAURANTEED TO GO TO UVA AND WHEN SHE DOESNT, IT ACTUALLY HURTS THE READERS.

in the book, LJ was waitlisted from UNC, rejected from UVA, and accepted to W&M. I’m sure you can find like 40 people at our school who can relate to this situation. I doubt 40 people in our school can relate to being rejected from Stanford BUT accepted to NYU. dear writers, please give teens across the nation (your target audience) realistic expectations for college admissions.

YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT PETER AND LARA JEAN WERE ACTUALLY QUALFIED ENOUGH FOR STANFORD. LEMME JUST SAY, I'VE APPLIED FOR COLLEGES THIS YEAR AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD GRASP ON WHAT IT TAKES TO GET INTO CERTAIN COLLEGES. YOU'RE TELLING ME THE TWO OF THEM. REALLY. GOT. INTO. THOSE. SCHOOLS. pls.

DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE KISSING BOOTH. ELLE AND NOAH ARE POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST CHARACTERS I HAVE EVER WATCHED. I DON’T SEE THEM DO A PAGE OF HOMEWORK AND I DON’T EVEN THINK THEY ATTEND CLASS. LIKE MAKING A KISSING BOOTH FOR ONE FUNDRAISER FOR A CLUB THAT CONSISTS OF 2 PEOPLE DOES NOT COUNT AS ENOUGH TO GET INTO HARVARD. but that’s a different movie...

this is literally the idea that television and movies have in making it super easy to get into ivy leauges. as if some in state college isn't up to society's standards of where or where not it's ok to go to college. it's when gabriella montez goes to stanford, troy goes to berkely, ryan evan goes to julliard, teddy duncan goes to yale, cody martin is accepted to princeton, HANNAH MONTANA does to stanford.

and lara jean wants to study english lit. she never says “i want to go to stanford because of their great english lit program”. it’s only “i want to go to stanford because my boyfriend is going and i have no other life outside of him

fine. make your characters seem awesome by making them go to awesome colleges. but still. this is upseting.

you know how awesome it is to hear UVA, the college I've always wanted to go to, in a published book? and for them to just rip it away- espeically when UVA is so attainable?? Yea yea movie directors, i get it, UVA isn't good enough for you. whatever.

They had AT LEAST 5 MONTAGES. 5. FIVE. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY MONTAGES. To quote my friend "the movie is all montage and 30 mins of plot" AND I CAN'T FIND IT IN MYSELF TO DISAGREE WITH HER.

AND THE DANCES. I REALLY DIDN’T NEED TO SEE NOAH CENTINEO DO WHATEVER HE CALLS “DANCING” IN 2 MONTAGES. I know everyone fell in love with noah in the first movie, but i’m pretty sure everyone fell out of love with him in this one.

again, i know nothing about movies, but 5 montages?? it seems like you're just filling space and trying to make everything seem ✨awesome✨ and ✨amazing✨. SURE. everything might be awesome and amazing, but this movie was 1 HR AND 55 MINS. and you decided to add 1 HR of montages? WHy. AND. one of them was in slowmo. i can't

THEY HAD VOICE OVERS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE. sure. 1 at the begin and 1 at the end, I think that's cute. BUT THE WHOLE MOVIE?? WHY. like bruh- have a focus.

literally did anyone read the freaking book? Remember how- in the book right? Margot was actually really not ok with Trina bc she's sort of replacing their mom? and Margot is rlly not ok with it but gets over it?? see how that was summarized in like 5 seconds in the movie? Oh i'm sorry you used all your time for the movie making STUPID MONTAGES but can we get some actually emotionally beats next time?? thanks.

ok this is a big problem i have with the movie. in the 3rd book, peter tries to have a relationship with his dad who ran away from him years ago. He struggles with that relationship the whole book. This is good stuff. people can relate to this. the scene in the diner where peter “confronts” his dad was CRINGEY. It could be noah’s acting but i couldn’t take him seriously. AND HE FORGIVES HIS DAD AFTER 30 SECONDS. the movie tries to include these smaller storylines but can’t because of the time limit. i’m no screenwriter, but i’m sure there could have been a way to subtly move that plot line during the entire movie rather than that one conversation in the diner

and in the book, peter has to train for lacrosse so he has to eat healthy which stresses him out. i specifically remember him getting mad at someone (maybe it was john ambrose, i don’t remember fully) for EATING HIS CARROTS. this just shows that peter has a life too. he has to worry about lacrosse along with losing lj. but no, the movie makes him look like the perfect boyfriend who has no other worries in life except for the girl in front of him

remember how- in the book (right?? bc they had a book to go off of???) Stormy was a part of the 3rd book? like a BIG part?? They LITEALLY just used her as John Ambrose's grandmother (WHICH IM PRETTY SURE THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO IN THE MOVIES). literally, stormy and john ambrose were throw away characters in the second movie and i am infurriated. BUT ALSO I LOVE JOHN AMBROSE HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM??

and remember, how in the book, how the dog's name is "Jamie Fox-Pickle" and they changed it to HENRY??? where is the flavor. what was the reason. SERIOUSLY.

BUT ALSO. CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG BUT THERE WAS A POINT IN THE PLOT WHERE PETER'S MOM TOLD LARA JEAN TO BREAK UP WITH PETER. DOES NO ONE ELSE REMEBER THAT?? AND THEY CUT IT ALL OUT OF THE SCRIPT?? LIKE WHY. WHAT WAS THE REASON.

ok those are my biggest book grievances I think. but lemme just say, they NEVER went to NEW YORK. They literally wrote that in for the purposes of NYU. in the book, Chris and Lara Jean DRIVE to UNC because that's ATTAINABLE. BC THEY'RE STATE UNIVERSITIES. ANYWAYS

LJ’s and Chris’s spontaneous trip to unc showed their friendship in a good way. I never really liked chris as a friend to lj but during the trip, they are besties and it shows. the movie tries to do that in ny but peter is also in ny for some reason. she should have fell in love with ny WITHOUT peter at her side nagging her to sneak out and go on a date. she should have spent more time with chris rather than thinking about peter while she was watching the band.

the scene where Lara Jean is in New York and at the party and she sees the band? To all the boys I've loved before: Always and forever?? more like To all the boys I've loved before: gay awakening time.

when they moved the pink couch to the subway? WHy? They wanted snazzy pics.

when Lara Jean and Peter were making up and it was a really cute sequence AND THEN THEY MADE HER LOSE HER V CARD. FINE. I GET HOW THAT'S REALISTIC BUT IT WAS A CUTE SCENE. MY FRIEND ALMOST STARTED CRYING AND THEN LJ LOST HER V CARD AND WE COULDN'T STOP SCREAMING.

this is different from what was in the book (for the 100th time). In the book, they don’t do it and it shows that you can be in a high school relationship without being physical. I strongly appreciate that message. This darn movie had to have her lose her v card. WHY. IT ADDED NOTHING TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP. THE YEARBOOK SIGNING WAS SYMBOLIC ENOUGH

the montage where it's a montage of all of lara jean's and peter's cute moments?? ok fine. that was cute. but they literally just took scenes from past movies. imagine the impact if we like hidden moments from their relationships. maybe they're laughing in the car together. maybe they're watching they sunset. maybe peter is looking at her lovingly while she sleeps. WHAT IF. it WASN'T a montage of all the "bigger" moments of their relationship, and we got to see them just exist.

UGH. THE VOICE OVER AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IS SO CRINGEY I CAN'T

"WE AREN'T LIKE OTHER COUPLES. NOT US, LARA JEAN AND PETER KAVINSKY. BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING BETWEEN US. WRITING LOVE LETTERS" please. b freaking s

Some redeemable qualities

while i didn't like most of the songs, "like me better" by lauv will always be loved. especially since it's a call back from the first movie?? I can ftw

WHY WASN’T “LIKE ME BETTER” THEIR SONG???? I really thought it was a good song to be their song and they referenced it in the beginning. No offense to the “beginning middle and end” people, but i felt no attachment to that song.

they customized her phone. it looked like it was a 7 (idk rlly, i don't know crap abt iphones) but they customized it. Granted, I KNOW lara jean would be the one with the aesthetic background with color coded folder, but still- they did give her relevant apps. some to note include; tiktok, spotify, instagram, netflix, notes, messages, facetime, maps, whatsapp and the STANFORD APP?? whatever- i'm chill.

they did make lara jean make choices so that was good.

the prom ask?? That was cute. with the pancakes??

at the end when Peter played the song even though earlier he didn't like it?? I liked that. i liked that a lot. ok fine i more than liked that a lot. There are multiple texts where my friends are screaming at each other. In fact, 26 separate messages.

chris in general. granted, she was more present in the books, but i'll take what i can get.

some notable quotes by her, the queen

"I'm dead inside"

not wanting to do a gigantic walk down from the stairs and asking the boys not to turn around

peter said he liked lara jean's forehead kisses and that reminded me of emma chamberlain so that's a positive only bc of emma

I remembered that they were the class of 2021, and I'M class of 2021 and it just hit for a second.

my friend cried over their graduation but i felt nothing bc we're literally living in a pandemic and chances of me getting a real graduation?? we'll see

again, these are all just my opinion. my friend doesn't like the movie bc she says she's sad and bitter and seeing these cute couples makes her feel lonely but i'm just diappointed. the books were GOOD. they were gold.

there was so much they could’ve done with the movies, and i just feel like they didn’t deliver on anything. Jenny Han, i’m sorry. The movie overall, ik someone who cried about it and someone else who gave it 7/10. props for them but jeez i just wish for more.

ok but that’s the show folk. i mean, obviously everything i said was opinion and literally don’t listen to anything i’ve said. BUT. feel free to add what you hated or loved abt the movie too. thanks. i love you guys. “always and forever” :,)

p.s- omg not them ripping off taylor swift. jk jk. ok bye

so this morning, while scrolling through my fb feed, i came across an nyt opinion/advice piece from a 27yo (ie basically me lmao) who is obviously lucky, in a sense, to finally land their “dream job using my (their) skills” etc. like obvs i can’t read it bc of the stupid “you get one free article a month if you either don’t have an account or subscription” (my one free article was used up reading an article about adult adhd like last week)….. thing that nyt does.

but anyway. back on topic lol. the crux of the article in both the headline and the quote snippet was that the advice asker was really dissatisfied with the 40 hour work week that came with her “dream job”. with how having this 40hr workweek gave her no time to do her busy chores like house cleaning or laundry or didn’t even give her time to let her have her hobbies/creative pursuits (whatever they were/are).

however, in the comments on the article (and apparently from those who read the article on the comments, the advice/opinion column writer) a good bunch of like gen Xer’s and baby boomers (im assuming) were ganging up on the asker like “suck it up princess, it’s what life is!!! i work 70+ hours a week and LOVE IT and have just resigned myself to the fact that i have NO time left over to do my “chores”! learn to O U T S O U R C E these life admin tasks to someone else!!! everyone MUST LEARN this in america!!! it makes life so much easier ☺️” and such.

of course, there were plenty of the same bs comments that you see on anything about careers or home ownership towards millennials/gen Z’ers about “learn to go WITHOUT and save save save and squander your time so that you NEVER live and HAVE FUN or TIME FOR HOBBIES! my bet is that your parents did that and they survived just fine while also raising your ungrateful spiteful ass (not including any type of health issues they might have picked up from such long hours/shitty working conditions) so why can’t you just L E A R N to do the same you precious spoilt brat!!! because the reality of Real Life™️ is that you can’t have it both ways!!! then you’ll have early retirement guaranteed, hopefully!!! and know that hobbies really are time wasters most of the time ☺️ or at least they were for me!!! and your precious so-called “creative pursuits” most definitely are time wasters. no one needs THOSE.” and so on so forth.

they also had jibes for her bc the asker wanted to start a family at some point apparently… and apparently it’s “much worse” once you have kids. like. thanks geraldine and henry. you’ve just told us how much you’ve resented having your kids/family in one fell swoop. your opinion which you’ve framed as unhelpful, condescending advice is now voided.

like. i don’t know how rhonda or paul or deandra or philip could miss the point so fucking entirely. why the fuck should anyone- nay everyone (bc that’s what they make it sound like)- learn to outsource their busy chores like laundry/house cleaning/grocery shopping or god knows what else- to someone else???? why is that apparently a standard expected to be learnt in the US???

like why the fuck are you so desperate for people not to have free time to do these things (unless of course they live in some of those shitty nyc or other big city apartment blocks that don’t come with individual private laundries in the self-contained flats or a communal laundry on like the bottom floor or w/e for example) frank????

deidre why the hell are you so bitterly hankering about “be grateful that you have it easier than most and learn that hobbies mean jackshit and just sell your soul and time to your boss!!! when will the generation stopping being “me me me!!!” and “work life balance!” and think about the company’s bottom line!! learn that “work life balance” is never important! work like a slave for 50 years and see if your valuable experience is needed then! that’s when you’ll learn that those hours where you were never being lazy, instead of just expecting life to be handed to you, will have paid off!” or whatever other ridiculously toxic capitalist bullshit they were spitting out.

obviously there were FAR MORE people actually supporting the question asker and echoing the idea that the 40hr workweek is now redundant. they were also putting down the opinion/advice piece writer’s advice to the asker….. that was apparently similar to the all the bitter people on the comments saying that the 27yo was just “asking for too much” and had to “learn to suck it up instead of being a petulant and overly selfish dick!!” etc etc etc. we all know the spiel as thoroughly as the macarena now.

because whats so fucking wrong with wanting time to yourself and wanting time to do your busy chores??? why the fuck should i be outsourcing these to other people (unless of course you’re still living at home and your parents are still like “hey what clothes do you need washed i’m doing a load rn” or you have a partner that works from home or has some type of parental leave etc)???? i want to do my own laundry. i want to do my own gardening (ok lawn mowing or tree lopping (if needed) i’d actually outsource bc i can’t lift or push lawn mowers bc they’re heavy af for me or and i obvs can’t use a chainsaw)… but i want to do my own grocery shopping. i want to do my own cooking (although i would consider the meal kit services once i had job that allowed me to afford like $50 a month for one of those meal kits sub services) i want to do my own cleaning.

why, if i lived in the US and not australia, am i just expected to learn to outsource all of these tasks even if i don’t have the money for it??? like why the actual fuck are so many of you so fucking weirdly proud of being absolutely worked into the fucking ground for your “great country” (although this is actually bleeding through to australia too and i hate it); working like literally close to 100 hours a week???

because i wasn’t aware you had to be whatever the fuck his name is from 127 hours and cut your fucking limbs off just to fucking survive a job in either corporate america or just let alone any goddamned job in america….. all so they can supposedly “learn to like working for free and devaluing your worth even more to your employer through overworking yourself and always being available!!! mental health is for those who aren’t built for the Real Adult World™️!!! this person is a prime example of the younger generations being weak and dissatisfied with life so often because of their “oh poor little me!!! care for me!!” act. NO ONE CARES FOR YOU today. stop being so over-expectant/demanding and juvenile!!! only YOU care yourself and you should NEVER expect someone else to pick you up from YOUR bootstraps!!! you’re fucking whiny and conceited babies. the lot of you!!!”

because i honestly don’t know who the fuck would enjoy working 70+ hours week with no time to themselves to do what they enjoy doing…. or enjoy having zilch time to catch up on errands and life admin duties or just general house chores; especially if you’ve moved cities or an entire fucking state/s away from your family and support network. let alone doing the same thing on 40 hours a week.

and on top of everything, let’s not even get started on the time spent commuting to and from work or even commuting for life errands/tasks etc etc- especially if you’re like me and you’re nowhere near the capital city’s centre (ie sydney australia for me) for there to be reliable enough public transport and longer commute times to certain places in those cities (that i’ve bitched about plenty before on other posts on here about work/jobs).

get your head out of your asses warren and viola et al and realise that work life balance is literally NOT ASKING FOR MUCH and is asking employers to just have basic respect for their employees time if they work fulltime. it’s literally detrimental to ones health if they have to sacrifice what feels like (or what is literally like) their entire fucking existence to their employer just for meagre pay and just to fucking survive.

because i read a heart-breaking article last night from huffpost (posted by buzzfeed on fb) about a woman in the US who literally hid her having a second baby from her employer for an entire fucking year (literally the entire pregnancy and birth of the baby and the first 6 months post pushing the baby out) during the pandemic all because she was scared she would get demoted or lose her leading of a project and lose her bs “temp” job which had really turned into full time work although the employer never said anything about it being actually full time hours or whatever…. and plus the lady herself was apparently to scared to ask to be put on the books fulltime too for some weird reason.

like honestly. fuck capitalism. fuck thinking that “work life balance is just too hard for employers to add and regulate. it’s an excuse and ploy for workers to be unprofessional, unproductive and lazy!” or whatever the fuck. everyone deserves time to themselves to pursue their interests/hobbies and busy chores/life admin. no one deserves to waste their entire life working 70+ work weeks for those employers who literally have no respect for their employees personal lives and time.

and particularly during the time that is the pandemic as we’ve seen so many companies having to learn to wholeheartedly embrace working from home and more flexible schedules for their workers. worklife balance is absolutely fucking beneficial for everyone involved.

america fix your bullshit work ethic right now lmao.

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

s9 filming spoilers and speculations..... TWD RANTS

Timejump-capital /twd parade pics and Caryl-the skybound thing, & other-richonne. (this post is meh and confusing) 

*twd spoilers, comic spoilers, anti C/E

k so writing this long weird speculation and thoughts-post. I wanna like move on from the show. Like as usual it’s on hiatus ykno? But the s8 finale messed me up so much. And I wonder a lot about Carol and the ships. Unanswered questions. I guess I’m saying I’m gonna rant a lot...or I go big in this post. 

Now we’re getting filming spoilers. bits and pieces but s9 premiere is a big deal like because of the time jump. The time jump changes the story a lot right? So... just from spoilery things, I realized, it’s hitting me a lot that it’s so 50/50 on me for if I still like the show or not (with timejump, ships, different showrunner/writings, and who knows how TWD ends). 

I really don’t like how 50/50 that is. So shock value way? Anyways, this hiatus I guess is gonna be a really big roller coaster ride. :\ I feel more doubtful than hopeful about s9. ....I just want Carol to be in character (the way i see it) and I want Carol (anyone) to interact with team family more. Idk if I can trust the writers during the hiatus with some bits of spoilers because some arcs start off frustrating and end well. It’s like I also have to wait till they film the finale to know if I wanna watch s9. or it’s like I wait till s10 for an arc to end. Idk I’m bummed that it’s at that point for me to decide to quit or not. sigh stories.

Yeah so this reminds me of s8, where the biggest change to the show happened with Carl’s death for me and the fandom. So I(and like most people too apparently...show is still going) keep watching TWD because Carl’s death doesn’t bother me that much, I feel the writing is still fine, and I see it as Rick’s show. So ..idk what im saying. I just think if they screw up Carol’s character and her interactions, then I feel it’s pointless to keep watching the show. I want charactery bonds, interesting arcs, and parallels. I know TWD can still be fine, but s8′s bad finale ep made me doubtful on the writing (or editing...there were good deleted scenes in s8 finale). 

Time jump

Wow those pics of the cast at the capital and on horses. “twd parade” The pics also tells a lot or so what 9x01 will be like/time jump. It’s overwhelming. It got me excited and then I worry the show will suck and mess up my faves.

The time jump in 9x01 looked like not like Carl’s dream/5 years(?) where Rick had a cane, white hair, 6 yo Judy, and Negan gardening with TF. This time jump in s9 so far looked like one year went by. Also looked like the characters got one thing changed on them. Rick-short hair, Carol-hat, Jesus-manbun, etc.so it’s like it’s not that much of a time jump.

Oh man, I can’t help it but I want to compare TWD and The 100. (They’re different ofc, one’s pace is fast and more violent/survival-like. It’s also like it’s ok to watch more than one show even tho one is better or whatever. It’s frustrating tho T100 have way more interactions/girl power.) Both current survival-shows. Right now, The 100 just had a six year time jump(I think) and TWD in s9 there will be a time jump too. So The 100′s current season, I really liked how they did set up the time jump and informing us how the characters are doing and see the changes in them and their looks. Even their previous season, there was a good understanding foreshadowing to the time jump plot. ...TWD didn’t, I mean Idk why, it’s like easy writing they should’ve done..to keep fans interested to what’s next on the show. I noticed in The 100, is that there were flashbacks and bottled/centered episodes. It’s also quick but partly because The 100 have a short season too and the writers want to focus on the upcoming different plot.

Anyways, so now that I think it’s been like a year later in TWD story. My theories are like everywhere and changed. I’m also like being an annoying comic fan..wants to be exact way but it’s a show and they can remix stuff. Whatever, we all want good stories! It’s kinda following the comics like usual. ok. Time jump and whisperers are coming. Idk why, I’m really excited for ‘old man Rick’ hair cut and horses, when I’m like wtf Rick’s curls tho. lol  Also just..9 seasons...and do I still like the show and will I like what’s next based on comics? (I actually figured AOW in s7-8 would be boring or come off different in the show. It’s all battle scenes and comics goes quicker..Idk I figured it would be boring but I think the war story on show and comics did alright. It wasn’t like a boring action movie that I see most of the time with action movies :P So I think this arc in s9 people will like this. More charactery stuff, well based from the comics. But we don’t have Carl and Maggie(for certain)?... Yeah usual tv flaws.)

So, I think it’s just one year later and that’s it. Also, I don’t mind seeing flashbacks and bottle episodes, as long it’s done well and entertaining. I think in s9 bottle episodes are needed.

kids

So since I think it’s one year later, then we probably get the same Judith girl in s8, as 3 yo?, Hershel Jr as -months old, and I don’t think there will be a Richonne-baby...unless Michonne got pregnant right after the war and Hershel Jr and Richonne-baby are about the same age. 

Skybound mailbag/Caryl/ E&Z

I read some speculations and from C/E shippers, just to get more info on Carol. (I gotta stop that. I’ll know about Carol when I do and they’re really anti-Caryl. It’s annoying. ugh ship wars.) I realized from the spoilery pics and speculations, I just don’t want Carol with anyone or C/E in s9/s9A. I just want to know what’s up with Carol again. Unless Carol being with E is a very minor thing. Like in The 100 show where two times fans suddenly learn Bellamy has a gf. There was a time jump and the relationship’s build up and being canon was all offscreen. The relationship didn’t last or some other thing important was gonna happen. I just want to know what’s Carol’s thinking and feeling. Idk I just feel if C/E happens,I just feel like Idk Carol anymore. :\ Idk what Caryl is anymore. They’re best friends (crushes) right...and still is? I really don’t like in s8 finale where Carol didn’t talk to any TF member/Daryl about why she wants to stay at Kingdom. Just any moment to see TF knows too. Also, Idk if Daryl is staying at ASZ or Hilltop and does Rick knows Daryl doesn’t agree with his decision on Negan.

(lil post on twdzone. carol/and show stuff)

‘If C/E happens like a - a surprise ship in s9. I find it bad writing because they didn't set it up in s8 or should add more romantic tone in it and obviously put a C/E moment in the finale. But they didn't. So..bad writing. Or just idk maybe it's for plot reasons (E’s death). Maybe there will be a love triangle? It makes Carol out of character or strange for me. Who/What does Carol care about and why? Idk.

 It’s also something that TWD has to do too...from s8 finale and time jump/season premiere it means s9 premier ep gotta be a very well written episode to explain to everything and well reasons. But man...the s8 finale was so wacky and frustrating. It made me lose hope on the writers. I did like s8B but wow finale wtf. And finale is important ep of the seasons..and also it was before the big time jump. sigh. //It reminds me something, it’s kind of TWD’s style or Gimple’s, that premieres are more important than finales. So I hope s9 premiere is good. So yeah if Caryl is just gonna be friends and also just gonna like nod at each other like they don't have that special (continuity) bond anymore. Then that show is over for me. It's also not Caryl’s connections too, I miss Carol’s connections with Team family so much! OMG just looking at Carol and Rick edits, I just sigh.. I know some don't like their relationship. But I like theirs and they got that history, interesting dynamic. I don't wanna see Carol and Rick like they're just acquaintances now. (um like remember their history and trying to save Sophia. etc.) I want Carol or anyone to interact and be team family. The show gotta focus on their main characters and interact them. Too many side characters...too many separations.’

Other

Once I thought about this idea, I’m like gaaah I really hope TWD does this. I really want and hope Rick have these moments to remember Carl by and to do it every season. I really like this idea I have where Rick could write a letter to Carl or talk to Carl’s grave in every season premier/finale. It’s something that merge the old TWD and the new TWD story...even though it’s Rick’s show, it’s still a father and son show.

Richonne!

I have some speculations and thoughts. I just wanna say that I hope Richonne in s9 is more interesting than comic R&A in the comics in the point of the story. Just be like on the show, power couple and all. I really like how in s8 finale, they were like co-leaders. Together. Idk I’m curious how Richonne will go in s9 and on. It’s seems real different than in the comics/R&A are doing. 

So, in the comics, Andrea was like focusing on protecting Carl and co-leading etc. and then she dies at the end of Whisperer war. I find her death and end of her journey boring and disappointing. So Idk, I hope Michonne’s journey is interesting and I have no clue how this comic-Michonne and/or Andrea remix thing works out since Carol is using comic-Michonne’s too. %) Anyways, so I don’t think Michonne will die like comic-Andrea because tv-Carl got the death. After the Andrea’s death, Rick bonded and grieved with Mikey (Carl’s friend) while Carl is at Hilltop adulting. From the comics, I felt like Kirkman wished he had Rick and Andrea to have a child together but he didn’t so he got Mikey more into the story and w/Rick. So I’m like maybe we will get a Richonne-baby? But, then I also thought maybe Judith is like comic-Mikey. Grimes 2.0 grieving and missing Carl. So yeah.. I’m suspecting Richonne won’t have child together or at least in s9. From the twd parade pics, Idk, I don’t think there will be a baby. I really hope they do someday though.

 Another thing is, I really want Judith to call Michonne “Mom” and Rick to point out to people that Michonne is his wife.  

So yeah, roller coaster.

{BTS x Forest Fairy!AU} Namjoon

Keeper of Moonlight Kim Namjoon | Find the Other Keepers {here} 

although he essentially lives in the forest like the other keepers, his job is a little more grandiose considering he literally can communicate with the moon

unlike normal people or other keepers he can actually feel the gravitational pull of the moon and it’s really cool he can always sense when the tides are going to rise and how much of the moon we’ll be able to see tonight

which for keeper jin is super important because he presides over wolves which are nocturnal hunters and for keeper jungkook who presides over animals that need to be wary of the night so the two of them are always bugging namjoon about when the moon will rise and namjoon is like “i can give you an answer but will it make you two be better friends”

and jin is like,,,,that’s not the point and jungkook is like i just don’t want his wolves eating my bunnies and jin is like ,,,,,jungkook it’s called the food chain and jungkook is like uhuh sure and namjoon is like oh my god,,,,

he makes peace between all the keepers (as hard as that may be because yoongi barely ever wants to come out of the water while hoseok keeps trying to get jimin to show him around his cool treehouse and everyone is soooo different but namjoon is like the glue that keeps them together,,,,you know,,,,,because the forest is still home to all of them)

has really cool white ink tattoos on his collarbone that look like the phases of the moon

and when it’s the darkest time of night and namjoon is trying to read the moon’s gravitational spin the tattoos seem to glow brighter and the pupils of his eyes turn translucent 

owls really like him and even though he isn’t there keeper some of them will perch next to him when he’s reading the moon and it’s nice,,,

slightly awkward with other aspects of nature though,,,,,he’s always tripping over roots,,,accidentally falling into spiky bushes,,,,scaring off woodland creatures by accidentally being too clumsy,,,,,like he has the best intentions but the others joke that he’s like a bad camper in the woods LOL

lunar eclipses weaken his abilities a lot and when they happen he can actually pass out for some time because the shadow of the earth blocks the moon and it makes his connection to moonlight incredibly meek

usually sleeps on high branches or at the tops of peaks, during the daylight he avoids sun by staying in caves or under large foliage 

taehyung calls him “moonjoon”

you’re,,,,,,,,,actually incredibly scared of the dark. your family thinks it’s something about repressed childhood memories but,,,,,,it just irks you

sunlight and the morning have been your favorite since forever and if you have to go into the forest you never EVER go past 7 o’clock

and even during the day you always bring the family dog or a friend because,,,,,there’s parts of it that really REALLY  creep you out

which is why on a sunny afternoon, you let the dog off the leash to prance around and have fun

while you try to pick four leaf clovers your friends back in the village,,,,,and time passes and you forget that for the most part

the dog leads the way back home,,,,you’ve never much paid attention to the paths because you always let him drag you back

but when you look up,,,,you can’t find your fluffy buddy anywhere

horrified,,,you start calling out his name,,,whistling,,,,peeking through bushes and looking for dog prints but nowhere,,,,,they’re nowhere to be found

it gets darker as you search and you feel that fear pull at your heart,,,,,you know you should leave soon

but,,,,,,,,,you can’t,,,,you can’t leave the dog out here all by itself you’re just not that kind of person

so even as the sun fades you run from open field to winding dirt paths,,,,,,,and you’re sure he has to be SOMEWHERE

but as you notice the hue of red in the sky you look up and see,,,,,,the moon but,,,,,,,it’s not,,,,,,,,,,,it’s not a glowing white

instead it’s slowly but surely being covered in red and you’re like oh god a lunar eclipse??? im stuck in the forest on a lUNAR ECLIPSE??

and as you’re walking, looking up you feel your toe hit something and you wobble falling right over what you assume is a stick or something

until you rub your head and get up and see,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a boy,,,,,,?????????

and you’re like WHAT IS HE DEAD OH MY GOD

FIRST I LOSE MY DOG

NOW IM STUCK IN THE WOODS WITH A DEAD BODY

AHHHHHHH

but then you notice something,,,,,the tattoos across his collarbone,,,,they’re ??? flickering 

and the rise of his chest means he’s not dead and ok wait he isn’t wearing,,,,,village clothing,,,,,,and his face,,,,,is so distinctly handsome and perfect like it was cut from stone

and you don’t notice how you’re leaning over him,,,,studying the pretty slope of his lips when suddenly you hear a small,,,,,,weak

“don’t- m-move” 

and you’re like ?????????? who said that???????? was it the boy and/or celestial being laying in front of you???

so you shift slightly but you’re like “why shouldnt i move???”

after a slight pause you see his eyes flutter open,,,,and you’re,,,,,breathless because he’s gorgeous

but his hand,,,he can barely lift it and whispering he goes “block the moon,,,,,till,,,,,,the shadow moves,,,,”

you’re pretty sure if you were in a cartoon there’d be multiple question marks swirling around your head,,,,but you just sit there and look at him,,,,staring up to the sky

and then,,,,,,his eyes,,,,,,,,fading in and out of dark brown to this almost glass like silver

which is why you’re convinced now: he isn’t human

so you think: should you stay put like he told you,,,,because if not he might use some kind of magic and kill you,,,,,,,,

but also he seems,,,,,,,,,,really weak?? is it the lunar eclipse???

something in your heart tells you that it’d be cruel to leave him,,,it’d be like leaving a wounded deer by itself and anyway,,,,,don’t lunar eclipses only last a couple minutes-

(you’re wrong, they last a couple of hours which is why you end up dozing off,,,,,,,at some point falling asleep beside the unworldly boy in the grass)

and waking up you’re,,,,insanely dizzy and rubbing at your eyes and you realize that the grass beneath you isn’t grass anymore,,,,,,,,but ,,,, bark?

and you sit up but then,,,,,you look down which is a mistake because,,,,,,

why the hell is the ground,,,,,,,,,like 4094832 feet away

oh my god you’re on a branch

clinging to the tree trunk you look around and see that at the end of the branch is the boy from last night

sitting calmly at the edge, playing with a wooden flute and peeking through the leaves every now and then

“um,,,,,,,,,,,,hi” you manage,,,your voice shaking from fear

the boy turns and smiles,,,the tattoos that had been flickering before are now duller but still visible on his pretty skin 

his eyes are brown,,,not silver but there is still,,,,,,something about him so obviously /unreal/

“you fell asleep, but thankfully you were in just the right spot to block the eclipse till it was over. thank you.”

and you’re like uhhhh you’re welcome??? but also,,,,,,who are you where am i what is going on 

he motions to the trees “the forest, i took you up high because i like it up here.” 

you look back and forth and go “,,,,,,why it’s dark because of the leaves - aren’t open meadows with sun more fun?”

he shrugs, turning back to look down and you think maybe he’s not a sunlight person????

“oh,,,,,,um how do i get down?”

this get his attention again and he kind of blushes and goes “im bad at getting down too,,,but since you’re human i should help right?”

and you’re like ,,,,,,,,,,,, please do heights aren’t Fun

he gets up,,,,moving across the branch to you,,,,

at some point you’re scared he might slip because he looks wobbly but once he gets to you he takes your hand and gently shows you the branches to get your footing on

soon enough, you’re doing well climbing down that you don’t need his support and when you land to the dirt with a small thud you wait and then hear someone hit the ground beside you. hard

and you look down,,,,,,,the boy face planted there beside you and you’re like,,,,,,,,

“aren’t,,,,aren’t you a forest god???? moon god??? shouldnt this be easy??”

getting up and dusting off his lanky figure he shrugs and laughs a bit “ive always been accident prone. that doesn’t go away when the moon grants you power,,,,,,unfortunately.”

you giggle and you don’t notice the way namjoon kind of perks up at the sound of your laughter,,,,,,,

you want to ask something about the whole moon powers~~ thing but then you remember,,,,,,,,,,YOUR DOG

frequently you look around and namjoon asks if something is wrong and you’re like “putting aside the whole you’re a being of the forest or w/e does that mean you’re good at,,,,,,,,,,finding lost animals?”

namjoon looks like he doesn’t understand what you’re saying so you explain that before you tripped over him and became his “guardian from the lunar eclipse” for the night you’d lost the family dog

and namjoon is like “ah,,,,,,ive got no control over animals but im sure the other guardians can help?”

you take a step back and you’re like woah. there’s more of you

namjoon laughs into his palm and nods, he explains that there are six other keepers that live amongst the forest and you’re like WOAH COOL

so you follow him until you happen on two other men, one with wolf fur over his shoulder and the other accompanied by two deer

“jungkook, jin have you seen a dog around here?”

the two of them turn around and exclaim that no they didn’t, and they’re busy

namjoon leans over to you and whispers “they’re always at each others necks, lets go ask jimin.”

jimin turns out to be a sweet boy, living up in a treehouse with dirt on his fingers but a smile on his face. taehyung is much more excited about hearing of your dog and insists he’ll send out some birds to search for him

yoongi, who refuses to come out from the waterfall just says no

and hoseok,,,,hoseok spends more time asking you about village life and whatnot then he does looking for your dog

the whole time,,,,,,,you notice how familiar and comfortable namjoon is with addressing all the keepers

and how something about him,,,,makes him seem like the solid middle - a leader maybe

(plus you admit, he’s the keeper of freaking MOONLIGHT like ,,, that’s the best hands down)

but as you two search the night begins to dawn again and you can feel anxiety coming back

namjoon senses it too,,,,especially since he sees how fond you are of the sun,,,, much like hoseok you love being out in the open under the blue sky

“if you want,,,,” namjoon starts and you stop still looking up at the darkening sky

“if you want i can take you back to the village and keep searching through the night.”

you look at him and bite your lip,,,,,,,,for a moment you’re tempted to agree but then you remember namjoon’s weakened state from the night and you’re like

“i can’t ,,, i can’t leave you???? won’t you get weak because of the-”

namjoon shakes his head “the lunar eclipse is when im weak, on most other nights im fine because the entire moon is facing me without being blocked. ill be fine.”

you hesitate,,,,,but decide you might as well take him up on his offer

namjoon walks you,,,,until you can see the outskirts of the opening out of the forest and you turn to him,,,,,

looking over his handsome face once more and seeing that the tattoos are beginning to become brighter and the pupils of his eyes are sparking like diamonds,,,,,,,,

“come back here in the morning, ill find him for you.”

you nod,,,,,,,reaching out and touching namjoon’s hand

he feels the heat rise to his face but lets you off with a nod

five minutes walking away,,,,,the moon rising in the sky,,,,,,,,you decide that you can’t,,,,,,,you can’t make him search all alone

and so you rush back into the forest,,,,,,,forgetting once again that your sense of direction isn’t strong but whatever - how hard is it to find the boy with glowing eyes in the woods?????

turns out it’s very hard

and after an hour of walking you realize again that not only did you lose your dog - but you’ve lost yourself now too

the moon is out,,,,,,and you notice how it’s almost full

and you wonder that if anything can’t you follow it to namjoon???

it seems silly but you start walking in whatever direction you think it’s pointing in and through clearings, shrubs, bushes, you finally hear something

a,,,,,,,,,,a bark????

you push past a bush,,,,the darkness of the forest seems to light up as you see a figure standing on the otherside,,,,,,

the light emitting around them like a halo and in their hands,,,,,,,,is your dog

jumping from the persons hold the dog comes barreling toward you, pawing at your leg as you bend down to pick them up and receive a whole face full of licks

happily, you hug the dog to your chest when you look up the figure of the person is still there

“namjoon?” 

you call out and he makes his way over,,,,,,eyes completely translucent like what you would think jellyfish look like up close

and he smiles,,,, “you came back? you weren’t scared of the dark?”

you press your lips together and try to explain that you didn’t want to leave him alone to search,,,,,,,,that,,,,,,,,,,and 

the light around him,,,,it’s beautiful,,,,,and seeing it now you weren’t all that scared of the dark anymore

namjoon lifts a hand to scratch his neck,,,an owl flies by and you watch it in wonder as it disappears into the dark forest behind you and namjoon reaches out

and when he touches you,,,,,the light spreads and it feels cool,,,,against your skin

you two face each other and for a moment you think,,,,,,how nice it would be to not only feel his light but taste it too

and namjoon tilts his head,,,,bending slightly to brush his lips against yours

it’s a kiss you’d never thought you’d wanted,,,you’d always fantasized about kisses in the sunlight,,,,,,the glaring brightness

but the moonlight,,,,,is just as romantic,,,,,,,,maybe even just a bit more,,,,,? 

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.