well-meaning but ultimately misguided colleague when i mention i haven't done any work for my exam next week: but don't you want to be able to tell your supervisor that you did at least some studying? :/

me, unable to explain that i am so close to burn-out that using my free-time to spend 2-3 hours with a past paper will actually make me more likely to fail the actual exam: well, there's still this weekend and i've taken the day off before the exam so

colleague: oh, okay :)

[3 days later]

me: hold the fucking phone. my supervisor literally didn't even know what paper he was turning up for when he took the exam. he couldn't say a fucking thing to me even if he wanted to

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

Breakdown After Breakdown

So interest rates have gone up, making paying our already HUGE mortgage even more difficult. Partner’s wages aren’t exactly rising. And the cost of food is so high the government is now investigating our two big chain supermarkets for adding to the cost of living stress on the populace.

All this is happening at a time when my partner and I are experiencing major burnout, enduring family drama, and I received some truly terrifying health news (my GI tract is very literally melting from off-the-charts inflammation and I am at high risk for colon cancer, among other things).

 We have been saddled with so much bad news and hardship that we feel we’re about to lose our minds, so we go fuck it, we NEED a break, and booked a cheap motel for two nights over Easter near a national park. We had the modest ambition of spending time in nature looking for orchids and birds.

Yeah, we got one day of that before our old second hand car (which we bought for a few thousand dollars from the side of the road last year) decided to break down for the umpteenth time, and we spent 12 hours of the second day of our 2 day vacation just trying to get home (eventually being towed). The SAME DAY my partner got a virus on his ancient laptop and my mobile phone started to fail. We purchased a new, bargain basement phone in town while waiting for the tow truck to arrive, and less than 2 weeks later I dropped it and smashed the camera on it. YAY.

So no break for us. Fine.

But then shit kept hitting the fan. When we got home, MY computer started to sputter out and die. We cannot afford a new computer right now, as we’re paying off a ton of medical expenses for me, so a week later my partner bought parts for it and rebuilt it himself.

And then there’s the car situation.

Since Easter, 3 mechanics have looked at the car, can identify there is a major problem, but cannot FIND it. So it remains broken. My car is also really old and sprung a leak in the boot and got soaked after a storm, so that now it stinks to high heaven from musty mold.  But we cannot afford another car, so OH WELL. I have a severe mold allergy and a sensitive nose but we cannot afford to valet it, and partner has sincerely had no time to clean it.

Then: our vacuum cleaner broke and the very next day the lawn mower broke, too. The mower repair shop would not even repair it because “that brand is such a cheap piece of shit it’ll just break on you in a few more days and I don’t wanna be held liable”. Wow.

And then this morning the towel rail broke after I hit my head onto it for the millionth time, and the wheel came off the laundry trolley for the second time before a huge load of towels finished in the washing machine. I am already disabled and currently have an inflamed nerve in my right foot, so the lack of a trolley is REALLY not helpful.

This is the week I have to spend an ungodly amount of money on three separate medical professionals and order a very expensive medical test to maaaaybe find the pathogen destroying my gut.

I recently watched a TLDR Global news video about the fertility crisis in South Korea and the world at large and it rightly points out house prices and cost of living being a deterrent for people to have babies. Under the video was a comment that I feel sums up what it is like to be alive in this 21st century:

“Long working hours. Low wages. High costs. No chance of ever owning a house. 0 work-life balance without a child, let alone with one. Layoffs left right and center. Hard if not impossible to get a job even with experience. Life is stressful as is already. Low standards of life. Nothing is family friendly - work, life, schools etc. A lot of the institutions still have the same mentality of - man works, woman stays at home, and it just doesn't fit how people want to live now.”

We are childless and partially own our own home (and only with assistance from the Bank of Mum And Dad as the boomers love to call it) and WE are struggling. How the HELL is humanity going to keep going like this? I am so worn down by the grind of everything, and relative to fellow millennials, we’re doing WELL. The only freedom is money, which the vast majority of us do not have in amounts that would actually afford us quality of life.

All I can say in the face of all this, is fuck capitalism.

And also fuck Australia, which appears to be its biggest bitch at the moment:

Source: TLDR News Global

(personal stuff, big content warning for c@ncer and medical/mental health stuff)

So I've been hesitant to post this publically on any of my socials because I guess I don't want to freak people out, and I'm still coming to terms with it myself, but, it's plaguing my mind so much, and I guess I want support, or just a hug or something.

I went to my doctor to get a few things done, pretty normal stuff, flu shot, prescription etc... But I have had this sore on my head that has been bothering me.

I previously saw a different doctor about it and he told me it was pre-cancerous and could be treated with liquid nitrogen treatment, so I got two treatments done, but it wasn't going away and infact getting a bit bigger.

Mum told me that her doctor, who I used to see, is a skin expert, so I got him to take a look at it, as he used to work in a specialist skin cancer centre, and with one look, he said 'thats definitely cancer' and showed me on the screen that was connected to his magnifier, showing me the characteristics of it and explaining that it wasn't a benign growth.

I immediately went into action mode and asked about treatment and the outlook etc... and he told me he can take it out next week, and that in general, the type I have isn't too dangerous, but if I don't get rid of it soon it can keep growing and might grow deeper, even hitting bone.

While I consider myself very lucky that it's not a more dangerous or aggressive type, it still shook my world, and I'm trying to deal with the emotional after effects of the diagnosis and what it means for the future.

There is a high chance of recurrence, especially in younger people like me, and a chance for more dangerous cancers to form, such as melanoma.

I'm going to be having minor surgery to get it removed, but part of my hair will need to be shaved off and I'll have a scar. I've never had any sort of incision surgery before, and of course I'm nervous about it.

But I'm also really scared of the emotional after effects. I've recently had a bad C-PTSD relapse and I have been trying to work through it, but then this drops right in the middle of it.

I just... I don't feel well, it's a constant thing in my mind, even when I distract myself, it's always there, waiting for me to get back to reality. I don't think the entire gravity of it all has hit me yet and I'm bracing for that.

Sorry for such a long and serious post, but, I needed to get it off my chest.

Hi all I know I've not been on here long but I'd like to say with a new year started I'd like to say that hope I can get to make some new friends, had tough time last 2yrs lost brother to cancer October 2021 then 9mth later lost my mum suddenly. Since then I'm youngest of 7 and I'm doing what I can to look after dad but seems the rest don't like it, I was carer for mum also but seems I'm the black sheep I went away for few days August 2023 came home to have dad tell me that one of sisters had been shouting screaming accusing me of all sorts, stealing etc which I havent done she told him to throw me out which he refused. Well few days later I received a 10-page essay which was just nasty. I haven't seen or spoke to her since and I don't want to she's spread all sorts of lies about me even got the other family members against me. So new year and think it's about time I thought about me for once. Anyway sorry for long post but hope I can get to make some new friends.

My doggo has been given his marching orders once again. This time, he really is ready to go. Last year we were told that he had cancer on his liver and that a $12k surgery would give them more of an idea how sick he was. Invasive surgery, with no guarantees and a long, painful recovery. I opted out, and took him home thinking he has days, weeks to live. 8 months later, more bad news. 

On top of all the liver issues, arthritis etc, he has developed diabetes caused by long term use of the Pred which has been keeping him alive. Because his liver and also pancreas are already affected and the fact that getting diabetes under control can be a long process, we’re told it’s better to do it before he gets really sick. He’s still got life in him so this is making it so, so hard.

My little friend has been poorly for a few days leading up to the appointment, but he’s been so strong and I asked him to give me a sign. I desperately wanted him to just keep kicking on forever. He raised his little leg and urinated on the laundry door in front of me. 

I took it as a sign.

This little dog was taken in from a rescue shelter by my mum 12 years ago, to be her companion in retirement. He loved her so. He didn’t like me very much at all. I wasn’t ready for a new dog. My beloved 16yr old Pom has only left me a little over a year ago. He knew that. 

Coop didn’t like strangers in the house either. He would keep a very, very close eye on anyone who came thru the door. If he could bite them, he would. Often accepting a pat, and a treat and then grabbing them on the ankle under the table first chance he got. This proved difficult when mum had medical people over.

When mum got really sick, he was her constant. He kept her company, gave her love and I really believe gave her strength to fight. She didn’t rescue him. He rescued her. He made it difficult for me to care for her, because if I went near her bed he would immediately go into guard dog mode and growl and snarl like I was about to do something to hurt mum.

He was my rock when she passed. I would not have done so well if I didn’t have this little dog. It took a little while for him to fully trust me. He would still go for my ankle if I did anything he didn’t like. The dining room table where mum had sat at when she was recovering from Radiotherapy was out of bounds. I’d often forget and go to put my bag on it. Coop let me know that it was wrong with a little nip on the ankle. 

We made friends slowly over the next few years. Coop even slept in my room next to my bed and gave me affectionate cuddles.

2020 lockdown. I don’t know how long I was confined to my house over the next 2 years, but this little dog saved me from going absolutely batshit crazy. If I didn’t have his company, I honestly have no idea how I would have survived. He gave me reason to get up in the morning and kept me entertained during the day. Having someone to talk to and cry to probably saved my life. We formed a strong bond in those long months and I think he loves me almost as much (not quite) as he loved my mum.

I have never lived alone before. I don’t know how to be completely in my own company. It is going to be a long long time before I will think of getting a new companion.

Coop is asleep on the floor next to me right now. He’s uncomfortable and I’ve been told he will decline quite rapidly in the next few days and that I needed to make the decision to say goodbye. Looking at the way he jumps up to get some treats and obediently runs outside with me and a handful of kibble every hour or so he remembers to wee outside (he forgets he needs to wee more often and has been having accidents in the house) he’s learnt that new routine very quickly.  He wasn’t always motivated by food. But if it gives him reason to fight for a little longer he can have all the treats in the world.

I have to make the decision in the next few days. 

I really, really don’t want to. But I know it’s for the best.

Some real talk on Fi: a submission

 I’ve noticed a Fi-bias on the internet. It tends to glamorise Fi as this lofty, Wonder Woman function that somehow epitomises all that’s principled and good. I just read a PersonalityCafe thread listing the flaws of Fi and Fe. While Fe got blasted as manipulative, mindlessly conformist, and even psychopathic at worst, Fi got an easy pass with stuff like ‘refuses to go along just to keep the peace’ ‘cannot lie’ ‘cannot be persuaded to compromise its ideals’ etc. I laughed because these were clearly flattering ‘cute flaw’ descriptions. Like when a job interviewer asks you, ‘What’s your greatest weakness?’ and you say, ‘I work too hard!’ Cute flaw. Your interviewer will roll their eyes because your words will come off as self-flattery in the guise of critique. Saying that the flaw of Fi is ‘I won’t conform to stupid things! I’m too idealistic and principled!’ is not real talk.

Real talk is actual, hurtful, ugly flaws that make you go ‘Well, shit.’

As an INFP, I know what high Fi is like at its worst. It’s not cute. Let me share a story.

Last summer, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. All my friends were kind. But I felt a great gulf from my fellow high Fi-users because…none of them had gone through bereavement or family illness themselves. They could offer empathy or care on the surface, but I could always sense the gulf when they spoke. It was ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ and ‘I hope she gets better soon’ but - a patently obvious void within, an absence of deeper feeling. Fe users get a lot of crap for being ‘fake’, but have you ever heard a Fi mouth a platitude about something when they cannot relate their own experience or their own selves back to it?

Oh, they were kind, but their high Fi pulled them inextricably into their own inner universe. They were certainly willing to help, but ultimately their inner world was drenched with them (who am I? what am I here for? Me, mine, my). I know that inner radio - I have it myself. It blares away all the darn time! When I talked to them, I always walked away feeling more alone. Oh, of course they were sympathetic, but on a more fundamental level, their world was self-preoccupied (‘my musings, my ideals, my identity’). My grief felt lonely and cold after being in their presence. Some of the more tactless ones couldn’t help but explicate how my words fed their own inner world (‘This makes me think of my relationship with my family’/‘That makes me think of my mortality’).

It hurt like hell.

Told ya this story wasn’t pretty. This isn’t about the ‘cute flaws’ Fi usually basks in on the internet.

Let’s talk Fe. A common internet myth (one which walks hand in hand with Fi’s badass edgelord image) is that Fe’s just a people-pleaser, a PR manager, a nosy teacher, the function-equivalent of a mom elbowing her kids to say hello to the guests. Right?

Nah. Fe can be blazing warmth. Fe can be heartfelt. Fe can be passionate compassion. My isolation only lifted when I met a healthy Fe-user, Margo. Margo cared about my mom because – she just did. She didn’t need to know what it was like to experience her own mom ill. She didn’t need to have met my mom. Margo didn’t need to tie my experience back to who Margo was or what Margo stood for – heck, it wasn’t about Margo at all. She just sat on my bed and asked me questions about the colour of my mom’s eyes and where my mom went to school and gosh-where-did-your-mom-get-her-grit-from and something magical happened:

I felt warm.

I felt warm because I looked into that girl’s eyes and I could feel the care emanating from her. Over the next six months, Margo called me to ask how surgery appointments went; she looked through album photos with me; she texted me memes she said reminded her of my mom. And nah, Margo wasn’t an Enneagram 2. She just cared.

Now, Fi users can do all of these things. But what was different about Margo’s healthy Fe is that on a fundamental level, she had the capacity to care deeply about something and someone that she had never had any personal experience with. And her feelings did not centre herself or her life. It was about my mom.

It was the most comforting thing I could have received.

Now, this is not a Fi vs Fe post (for heaven’s sake, I’m a badge-carrying INFP myself). It is an attempt to go beyond the usual caricatures of independent warrior vs tyrant manipulator when we talk of Fi and Fe. To my fellow high Fi-users: not all our flaws are cute. Sure, we’re allowed to say we’re fierce free spirits; we’re allowed to say we refuse to compromise. Just remember to include stuff that doesn’t make us sound like the Justice League. We have flaws that are not cute and not glamorous and actually pretty unpleasant and hurtful for others. We may make things all about ourselves when someone else is suffering. We may not have room for someone else’s pain. We may project our own experience on someone else rather than making space for them. We may not make someone feel truly seen and heard. We may hurt someone through our self-absorption.

We are amazing, but sometimes….we need to learn to get ourselves out of the way.

hey babes 🧡

i low key try not to get too personal on here bc its supposed to be fun/an escape from the world but i figured it was finally time to cue you all in on some irl stuff and i’m feeling like i’m in a good place to talk about it rn.

so… back in oct my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. she had a mastectomy in the middle of dec. during her recovery i was taking care of her… and ofc we all caught omicron from the hospital 🙃. there was a lot of back and forth on where to go from there/what that meant for me as she was diagnosed so young aka putting me at a higher risk etc.

eventually it was decided that she would undergo a hysterectomy as well because the cancer was fueled by her hormones. she just had the hysterectomy a few weeks ago during which i was taking care of her again. we got the results back from pathology - and she also had the beginnings of endometrial cancer. which is now going to involve more doctors and reassessing future treatments/risk factors as to what she needs to do and what i need to do (my wife and i were planning on starting a family this year 🤷‍♀️).

suffice to say my mental stability over the last 6 months hasn’t been the best - hence the periods of radio silence etc. and i know i don’t owe an explanation but outside of those super close to me no one knows and ngl it’s kinda nice to just get it out there.

i’ve had moments where i feel good and i want to write and then it just fizzles away - lend a hand is literally the first thing i’ve written in like a year lol. anyway yeah life sucks atm but i’m feeling more stable as the days pass and i want to create again. and i also just wanted to say how much i appreciate every single one of you for providing a space where i can just chill and relax and forget how crazy everything is.

i adore my little corner i’ve carved out with all of you and your support throughout all of this has done unspeakable wonders for me. no lie i don’t think i’d have handled it half as well as i have. thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the interaction, the laughs, and smiles 🧡

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

Writing for the First Time and Realizing My Life Sounds Like a Movie

TW: Death, dead animal, hateful feelings toward a person, bad feelings, sex mention (there’s like one), talking about cancer, and cheating on a spouse

It’s been a long year. I’m not super sure how old I am now. Roman and Remus were born 26 years ago, so… I was about twenty four when that happened.. So 50 something, I’ve never been good at math.

Yeah, god, the boys are 26 years old. I was sent into the void when they were about 14, I can’t even imagine dealing with secondary school after losing your mum. I know I couldn't have done it. I missed so much of their lives. I miss when life was simple.

My parents always urged me to get married, even if it wasn’t my soulmate. So one day I did. I married my friend, Jose, he was also gay. I didn’t find out that I was a lesbian until like around the time Agnes passed away. No, but, I really miss him. I knew him from kal, he was the only one who made it bearable. Jose was actually the one who got me into boxing, he was a really good guy. We got married, did the naked tango (neither of us cared for it) because we both wanted kids, I got pregnant with Roman and Remus, and then Jose got cancer.

Well, technically, he had it for a while. He got lung cancer from secondhand smoking, from an Aunt that lived with him. He didn’t know, he just thought that maybe he was just super allergic to something. It was awful. I saw my best friend deteriorate in front of me, he didn’t even get to meet the boys. They were born a week after he passed. Probably the hardest year of my life.

I remember I married Roman, my now ex-husband, on the same day my sons, Roman and Remus were born. He was just a guy friend from the gym, he needed a marriage to satisfy his parents, so ya know.

Life sucked for the next year, as much as I love my little prince and duke, they were a handful as babies. I dug myself out of my grave, I started to do farm work, I picked up Opera once more. Life picked up a little, I made money from my talent, and helped keep up the farm. It was great taking care of the boys. Roman loved the musical arts as much as I did, and Remus loved punching things as much as I did.

I remember that I helped out with one of the cows who were giving birth. I brought Roman in afterwards, he was about 5 or 6 at the time. I introduced him to the calf, she was brown and white I think. Bubs was currently obsessed with the Little Mermaid, and he named her Ariel. I didn’t let my husband kill the heifer when she grew up, Roman really loved that cow. I swear that thing was more dog than cattle, she might still be alive. I know they can live like 22 years.

Remus and I would go hunting for Cane Toads. We both hated the damn things, after all we are Australian. Obviously he was a little older so about 11, 12 when we went, I taught him how to shoot a bow. I know it sounds brutal, but you don’t hesitate to kill a bug, right? And things are like cats, they kill anything they can get their hands on. He was named after my buddies, Remus O’Malley and Johnny Drummond. Remus Jose John Douglas Rowe, I’d say it’s a pretty alright name, of course, a smidge long but we did long names in the Mejia-Cortes-Rowe household. No, but, my little duke was a good shot, and he probably still kills Cane Toads to this day.

Those days were so nice. I miss them so much.

Of course, I loved Agnes and Johnny with all my heart. They were some of my best friends. When it happened, I just shut down, Verrill died not too long after her. Jannie and O’Malley were in one of their spits around that time, so Janus left the group. All I could think of was getting revenge. I fucking hated Abigail. I despised her. I wanted her dead. I wanted to hurt her badly. I know it was unfair, but at the time I did not know.

We never got along. She and I just did not mix. She was cynical and rude, and looked down upon me like gutter trash half the time. She had some kind of superiority complex, I swear, I bit my tongue though. I don’t like to judge people, but it’s human nature to in some ways. She always pushed my buttons, I found it hard to respect her. I knew she was in tangos with a married guy, and it wasn’t an open marriage or anything. It was a poor woman who was being cheated on by this canadian jackass who spoke like the weird French skunk cat harasser.

I think I only got along with her once. She was doing research on everyone’s family trees. Abigail wanted to recognise void ticks, symptoms, patterns, etc. She was smart, I'd give her that. The project interested me, so I didn’t say anything. I kept peace most of the time, because the others seemed to like her. Her daughter and grandson were pretty nice people though, I don’t know how that happened (Well, maybe I do, I think her daughter was raised by an Aunt or something, and the grandson was some other couple).

But now, looking back I don’t know if I don’t regret anything.

I don’t know.

I think my life is still incomplete. I know why. I still haven’t met her. I want to meet her. I’m getting older, and my friends are dying. I kinda wish my grandson, Kenzie, had at least two abuelas. I think most people desire that kind of companionship, I just want what the straight have unfortunately.

I thought writing this down would help. I always meant to go to therapy but time got ahead of me. And now, I have a different job. I gotta watch over some people, and I would like to meet Jannie’s sister, oh, and Beetle too.

Welp, probably gonna sing love songs over and over, and sob into my ukulele. Uh

Peace.

Do you have any headcanons for the og boys? I miss them smh

I miss them too! (assuming you mean the S2 boys, love them so much)

Something special about those dorks, and I’ve written some of my headcanons for them below for you ❤️

Bobby:

Adorably clumsy. This is basically canon, and he’s learned to use it to great effect when it comes to hit on girls. It also means he’s always got some sort of mystery bruise

His accent becomes thicker and he goes back to his punk-persona when drunk, definitely wanting to be in control of the party music and sing along to it (and everything can be a pretend mic if you want it to be)

Did really well in school, but never really worked that hard or cared about it at all, being too invested in his other passions and knowing going to Uni wasn’t for him - probably doesn’t even know his A-level results

Gary:

Big fan of routine, and goes to the pub after work every Friday. Also very much into football (soccer) and rugby

Thinks a Sunday roast is the best meal on earth, and you can’t convince him otherwise

Drinks his tea from a Star Wars mug he’s very proud of and has had for ages. Can generally talk Star Wars for ages, and will get into long discussions with Star Trek fans

Henrik:

Swears in English for fun/out of habit, swears in Swedish when he really means it

Big fan of Eurovision and takes it extremely seriously. Will get annoyed if people talk over the music and thinks costumes should be compulsory at Eurovision parties

Very environmentally conscious, but in such a genuine and sweet way. Careful to recycle and buy from local shops, and very much against consumer culture but doesn’t judge people for not being on “his level”

Ibrahim:

Spent some of the first money he made playing professional golf on a really expensive Violet Man costume, which he cherishes dearly (and will totally wear in bed if his girl is into it)

Ridiculously excited about superhero movies, but will also absolutely tear them apart if they don’t stick to canon at all. Also buys movie prop replicas from Marvel/DC films

Since he spends a lot of time in the US playing golf, he’s also become interested in American sports such as American football and basketball. Also enjoys going to Universal Studios

Lucas:

Enjoys sailing and his family owns a beautiful classic sailing yacht which he’ll take his girl on, he’s a patient sailing instructor as well, and finds it super romantic - calm seas, sunsets and champagne

Although he can, he doesn’t actually spend that much money on useless stuff. He prefers spending a little extra on unique experiences, and creating memories to treasure forever

Does volunteer work and donates to multiple charities, but he’s just not very loud about it - it just feels like the natural thing to do to him

Rocco:

Will make videos like this with his current ‘soulmate’, and think it’s genuinely cool and ~deep~

Anti-vax and thinks herbal tea can cure cancer etc., and also falls for all the conspiracy theories, I mean, he definitely believes in chemtrails

His family’s super sweet, slightly conservative, and supportive, helping him out financially and so on. He somewhat changes how he behaves around them, especially his mum who is very sensible and completely no-nonsense

Rocco isn’t his real name, rather, he chose it as his “spirit” name or something like that

Noah:

Secretly reads those super cheesy romance novels. He started reading them only so he could give the mums at the library some recommendations (they were totally hitting on him, but he had no clue), but now it’s a guilty pleasure

Knows most of his family's recipes by heart after having grown up helping with cooking. Nothing fancy, but so hearty and delicious, and feels like home

Sneaks monster munch into the library to eat behind his desk while reading on slow days

Survey #443

“it’s not a life sentence, but a death dream for you”

When was the last time you were in the hospital? Me personally, uhhh sometime in 2017? Why were you there? I had a cyst removal surgery. Do you like Cheez-Its or Cheese Nips better? Cheez-Its. Have you worn headphones at all today? Yeah, I pretty much always do because YouTube is always open and on a video. When was the last time you had blood drawn? A few months ago or something? I'll be getting some drawn shortly though for genetic testing; due to my mom having some dysfunctional cancer prevention gene, all her children are getting tests to see if we inherited it. The last time you got blood drawn, what was the reason? I want to say I was tested for anemia most recently. What color eyes does/did your father have? Brown. What do you daydream most about? Things I wish I didn't daydream about. What is your relation to the last child you spoke to? They're my niece and nephew. Do you believe the Holocaust happened? No fucking shit? Do you prefer zebra stripes, tiger stripes, or leopard spots? Tiger stripes, ig. When did you last see a dog? At my nephew's b-day party a couple weeks ago. Nicole brought her dog Zeke over. Have you ever been in the mountains when the moon and stars were up? No, but omg I wish!!!!!!!!!! Do you know anyone from Canada? Yep. Has a cat ever licked you? Yeah. Roman especially loves to give kisses. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc. that you haven’t been? The Wizard of Oz park, probs. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that shit's rad. o: Have you ever walked on a frozen lake/river? No, that sketches me out. I'd be afraid of the ice breaking and me falling in. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever met an Alaskan? Met in-person, no. But I do have an online friend who's from Alaska. Or may still live there? Idk. Have you ever mowed the lawn (even a little bit)? No. Have any unpleasant public transit stories to tell? Nah. Do you know any German words? Seeing as I took four semesters of the language in high school, I know a good deal. However, my skill has definitely atrophied with time and lack of application. Do you have a passport? No. Are your teeth straight? I mean, mostly. I had braces for too long, but I didn't wear my retainer, so they've moved back some. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you? Yeah, sure. I've never understood why height is an issue for some people. Can you quote the movie Mean Girls? No. I personally never got the craze. Have you ever swam in the Atlantic Ocean? I have. The Pacific? No. Can you make yourself cry? No. Have you ever held a starfish? Not a live one. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? Faint or vomit. Wail. All three. Are you very close to your siblings? No. :/ Can you do CPR? No. Favorite sport to watch in the summer Olympics? I don't care. Ever flushed a fish? Yes. Ever been paid for sex or a sexual favor? No. I wouldn't agree to that. Last friend you talked to online? Sara. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? No. What is the best ice cream flavor? Vanilla. You have so many topping options. What’s your favorite thing to do outside? Photograph nature, especially wild animals. What would you spend $1,000 on? A big, really pro tattoo. What was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? Hm. I don't know. Who did you last lay in a bed/couch/recliner with? Mom and I sat together on the couch some time ago. Do you keep a planner? No. What are you craving right now? I've got a seriously random craving for shell pasta with a nice, meaty tomato sauce. Do you want kids anytime soon? DEFINITELY not soon, but also never. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. What’s the best feeling in the world? Knowing you're in love and really feeling it. What’s something you really want right now, be honest. There's a lot of things. Who in your family do you act like the most? I don't know, really. Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom, 100%. Do you believe that your first true love can be your only love in life? Of course not. Have you ever kissed under water? Yes. Is there that one guy that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what? Suuuure is. Wish it wasn't like that, but I don't see it ever changing, to be real... Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? 100%? No, I can't say I am entirely. Have your parents ever caught you kissing a guy? "Caught me?" How old is this question meant for? Yes, they've seen me kiss a guy before. If you mean like, seriously kiss-kissing, no. Which one of your exes hates you the most? Probably Jason. Are you named after anyone? No. Well, my middle name has been passed down, but "Brittany" wasn't from anybody else in specific. What reminds you the most of your last relationship? The song "The Only Exception" by Paramore. Have you ever rejected someone but they still wouldn’t give up on you? In elementary school, yes. When growing up, did your family always eat at the dinner table together? Usually, yes, at least when growing up. Sometimes we'd use little tables to eat in the living room though while watching TV. What is the greatest source of happiness in your life? My mom, best friend, and pets. What was the last charity/cause you donated to? I'm unsure, actually. Who was the last person you got a handwritten letter from? Sara! :') Did your parents read bedtime stories to you when you were little? Mom did. Have any of your worst fears ever come true? Yes. The greatest fear I've ever had was losing Jason, and that happened. Is anyone in your family divorced? My parents, for one. My older half-sister has also be divorced because her ex is an absolute piece of manipulative horse shit. Has anyone in your family gotten pregnant as a teenager? I think my mom? No, maybe not... Idk. I ain't doing the math. What’s your greatest talent? If you want a serious answer and not something self-depracating, I suppose writing. Would you ever want to get a master’s degree? It'd be cool, but I've never *actually* wanted to pursue that. Have you ever worn revealing clothing in order to get attention? No. Have you ever been falsely accused of being racist? I've never been accused of being racist, because I'm not. To you, is sex just about physical pleasure, or do you see it as an expression of love and commitment? Absolutely the latter. I could never engage in sex without deep emotional commitment. How many times have you been drunk in the past 6 months? Zero. What’s your favorite French food? I have no idea. What’s the most elaborate recipe you know how to cook? Nothing. Which rooms of your house have doors that lead outside? The living room and kitchen. Best purchase you ever made? My snake. :') Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? I haven't seen him a long time, but boy did I have a thing for James Hetfield in high school. There are defs others, but no one else immediately comes to mind. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No, because I've never tried to. How many Facebooks have you had? Just the one I still use. Have you ever been punched in the face? No. When was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? The beginning of February, 2017. What is the latest you have ever slept in? Past 5. Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? No. Do you text when you drive? Fuck no. You couldn't pay me to. What movie do you really want to see that’s out? I don't even know what movies are out right now. Did America really put a man on the moon? Eventually, yes. Call me crazy, but I do believe the supposed first one was faked, though, to "beat" Russia in the space race. Do some research and it's pretty shocking. Would you like to date someone a lot purer than you? Idc. Do you turn your phone off at night when you go to sleep? No, but I turn the brightness down for if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to check the time. Have you slept in a bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? Yes. Has anyone ever played a prank on you? What happened? I don't believe so. Do you like tattoos and piercings? Helllll yes. :') What are you really into? Animals, art, some weird Korean guy on the Internet... Do your parents like your best friends? Yes. Have you ever taken a nap with a member of the opposite sex? Yeah. Do you have weak upper body strength? Yes. What color was the last cup you drank from? It's just clear glass. How old is your oldest sibling? I actually don't know her exact age. 30-something. What was the last thing you ate that had nuts in it? A Nature Valley cashew bar I had earlier today. How many pieces did the last puzzle you completed have? I have no idea. Who did you last shake hands with? uhhhhhhhh Has anybody asked you out on a date recently? Nah. When was the last time somebody asked you to be their girlfriend? When Girt asked me out a few years ago. Name something you’re picky about: Food. Who did you last ask for help? My mom. Do you like corn? Yeah. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept? Right now I honestly probably would, believe it or not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? My mum. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? Yeah. How do you earn money? The only occasions where I ever and very rarely earn money is if someone (non-family, of course) pays me to take pictures for them. Where were you raised? All you need to know is a crappy town in eastern NC. Are your ears gauged? No, but I want the first holes in my earlobes to be, but only with very small gauges. I just can't figure out how to do it myself, at least with the gauges I have. I think I'm missing something. Explain what triggered your last kiss? We were saying goodbye. Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? I mean I could, but it'd seriously fucking suck. Have you ever made out in a park? No, because I don't do that in public. What are you listening to? "Paint You With My Love" by Marilyn Manson. I wasn't big on the album when it came out, but this is one of the songs that's aight to me. Last thing you said out loud? I gave Venus a little wave and said "hey babe" or something like that like I do sometimes when she's slithering around and looks out towards me. Are you sad? Always at least a little bit. I have been kinda down this evening. Where is your dad? I would hope at home. He's probably watching TV, or maybe in bed.

IBRAHIM JARVIS —

IG info/bio: @/OFFICIALRAHIMJARVIS | 130k followers | pro🏌🏿, & yes i was on that dating show...don’t obsess over other people, obsess over water, stay hydrated friends!

22 (23) years old

From Birmingham, England

Pisces sun? + Virgo moon + Cancer rising

Parents are both Afro-Antiguan and Barbudans + migrated to The UK once they were pregnant with their first child

They’ve been married for over 20 years

He gets his height from both of his parents

His mother keeps her hair buzzed short, cooks the best Antiguan food + loves creole seasoning, she’s 5’11, & works as a bank teller

His father is 6’5, works as a substance a*use counselor & does not believe in tough love as a way of showing you care about your children. He learned that the hard way growing up

Ibrahim is a pro golfer & dislikes tiger woods, “he’s a proper arsehole, typical American yeah?”

Got into the craft thanks to his maternal grandfather who was also into golf along with other sports & taught him all he needed to know. At first Ibrahim didn’t like it, found it rather boring & would rather stick to video gaming but his grandfather wanted to break his grandchildren out of staying in the house all the time

It kept him fit and also relieved any anxiety Ibrahim had in life and he had a good amount

He’s got an incredible swing, thanks to his long arms

He’s 6’3

Has three older brothers: Jesse (27) , Keithroy (25), and Reuben (24)

He loves working out and spotting other people, feels likes it’s a team effort & he’s a team player

Drinks gallons of water on a daily and nothing else, it’s even better if he puts fruit in it

Always eating fruit, for breakfast/with or after his dinner. Rather eat fruits than vegetables...yes he’s an adult but he can’t stand broccoli or radishes

Canon: hates seeing other people test their fruit to see if it’s ripe or not. But it’s fine when he does it himself, he just thinks about all the germs that are on other peoples hands when they’re doing so; it physically makes him sick & irritated if he ends up touching the fruit that’s mushy/lumpy

He’s a big fan of comics. Always has been since he’s a kid and has a huge collection of them, his oldest ones are packed away in a couple of crates (in his loft room that he uses as a extra storage room) since he no longer has space in his room. Yes he has no shame (and shouldn’t) of having them on display even tho his oldest brothers clown him for it

Massive fan of black panther & was hyped when it first came to theaters. Saw it three times in one day

Was heartbroken when Chadwick Boseman p*ssed

He’s awkward at expressing himself & sometimes it makes him feel misunderstood & it’s frustrating

Hates people that come up with these ideas of him instead of allowing him to collect his thoughts and speak them the right way

Yet he can be the type of person that wants to ignore issues and hope they go away

He wishes people had enough patience like he did with others in the world

He seeks advice from his dad, since he’s a counselor & everything yet it’s slightly different?

Can be a sweetie & very romantic in relationships

Will do the most (he won’t see it that way) & drop $ on you if he wants to...buying things, trying & failing to DIY, doing wealthy ppl shit, expensive trips— canon: taking his girl to Spain? Was it? Or Italy? I don’t remember... the whole 9

Had 1 gf before the villa. He broke up with her for being too flashy with his things & found that she wouldn’t have liked him if he didn’t have a bit of money

His parents live with him. “They’re basically my roommates until or if they find a house they like.” He didn’t go overboard once he got his first paycheck, he didn’t need a mansion but he did go big enough, industrial style but homey with some minor modern touches for his dream home—he didn’t want it to feel cold or penthouse-like

Isn’t too flashy on the socials but will post something every now & then if he feels the need to show it

Doesn’t post much of his face, mostly what he’s doing in the moment...lots of golfing pics!

Dresses like a dad but it works for him. Loves a good snug polo & plaid trousers/regular that are cut above the ankle, “those are highwaters innit?!” “No mum, it’s the style.” Rolled up jeans, tall white socks & some patterned, baggy sweaters, fancy hats, picks oxfords over sneakers, etc...

Definitely takes the time to iron/steam/press his underwear & socks

Enjoys getting his hair braided, isn’t tender-headed at all (must be nice)

Only grows his hair out during the fall/winter seasons or cuts/gets a shape up

When he posts about his tournaments or time at the golf course, he can always count on Bobby to comment the usual... @/returnofdamckenzie: do you ever have moments where you Reenact troy bolton on the lovely green grass? @/officialrahimjarvis: Idk whether to block u or have a laugh mate, yes i had to look him up!

Dated Jo for about 5 months after the villa until she broke up with him, finding that their lifestyles were too hectic for them to continue, at least that was her public statement to the fans but they really grew apart & the “love” was no longer there

Ibrahim seemed to be more upset about it than Jo in the beginning resulting in snappy replies for awhile, which again stems from him not knowing how to express himself

She checked up on him A LOT, almost as if they never broke up but Ibrahim felt like he needed his space now. They talked it out the best they could over dinner and got closure but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting. He just didn’t think it was needed to be calling each other everyday to see how they were both holding up. If they were done, then that’s what they should be

Jo didn’t see it that way. She still cared for Ibrahim, that didn’t mean that they had to stop talking in her view. She wanted to know how he was coping, and was known for “sticking her foot in her mouth” so that was also a flaw in their relationship

She would say certain things that touched on how she was feeling but didn’t express them at the right times & then there was Ibrahim who didn’t know HOW to say the things he felt which left jo to assume things

Ibrahim was back to the single life and he hated it. He wanted someone he could come back home to, someone that wanted to be with him for the long run. A part of him feels like Jo wasn’t planning to be with him for the long run in the first place and in a way that was okay? Sometimes you don’t know where you’re going in relationships but there should be some sort of goal? Maybe? At least that’s what he thought. Yeah they had fun but he wanted more someday

He was still young he didn’t need to be hung up about it right? Sike. He didn’t know how to take things lightly. That wasn’t how he was built. And to get comments about his ex relationship and have fans dragging him about his choices in the villa A YEAR later!!! Was disheartening

Shannon seemed to be doing well. He thought they would still be friends, at least that’s what she showed before she left the villa. Before he got her dumped. They talked a couple of times since then, jo personally wasn’t a fan of that—Shannon didn’t care but it was clear there was some tension still there

Until he contacted her just to realize she probably had his number blocked but her IG was public and she had a new man & was traveling about

His dad and Reuben were the only ones rooting for them

He had no choice but to be happy for her. Who was he to come in between that? Not that he wanted to but it’s a natural reaction to wonder after a fresh breakup, “what if?”

Talks to Priya every so often now. He seems to find comfort in her, it’s the same for her on her end

His mother has a feeling Priya is the one her son will end up with. Even if she is older...Keithroy also liked her the best

While Jesse seemed to be the only one who supported his relationship with jo

I honestly thought he would have liked Hannah in the beginning but idk if it was him or Gary that said she was too unrealistic when it came to love? I think they both said something along those lines which is odd since it seems Ibrahim has no problem treating his girl like a princess

Probably only has one special dish that he can cook the best & it’s gumbo. otherwise hes out of the kitchen or having his personal chef cook for the family

Goes live on twitch—when he has time, playing many games with the boys from the villa, which pleases the fans

Talks to them all as much as he can

Noah seems to be the first to always text back since Bobby is the one who’ll start off responding in minutes then forget to text back cause he’s off doing handstands or booping people on the nose or some shit, Gary always ends up busy doing something with his nan or for Lottie—but Noah’s always around

They seem to be the closest outside the villa, they mesh well & hang out the most when they can

he likes having his sound on & LOUD when he texts! There’s something so satisfying about hearing the clicking of texting to him

Watches a lot of sports on the Telly, it doesn’t have to be just golf. Usually watching that sport sends him right to sleep while the others keep him active/vocal...yes he’s a tv yeller

Holds sports parties at his home & invites all of his family & mates, he HATES having to clean up afterwards. If it wasn’t for his mum he would save the cleaning until the next day yet he doesn’t mind cleaning his car twice a week

Continues to make his violet man drink & wouldn’t be opposed to someone giving him a endorsement deal for it

Is the “I love everybody!” Drunk

Enjoys yard work over cleaning the house

Has his own customized golf cart that he keeps in his garage

He likes driving that more than his Buick suv tbh

Wants kids some day, not too many, not too little just right— he’ll probably have two but for rn his Doberman pinscher is his bby

Either ends up with Priya with slight insecurities that she’s too good for him or he falls in love with a tennis player, either way I’m fine with both

Crushes/his type? : Jojo Levesque, SERENA WILLIAMS, China McClain, Brie Larson, Victoria Pedretti, Nathalie Emmanuel, & Keke Palmer

Listens to: Aminé, Big Sean, Frank Ocean, Brent Faiyaz, Pink $weats, B Young, Ali Gatie, Russ, Raveena, Jessie Reyez, Rayana Jay, Cosima, TianaMajor9 etc...

Anthem = Lucky Daye, “Buying Time”

I know my mum is toxic. But most of the time, I’m like : « No, she’s not that terrible. I’m such a bad daughter to think that. It’s also my fault. »

So I decided to write down a list of some toxic things that my mum did to me. Because I need to feel I’m not crazy. Like it’s not just in my head.

- She always told me fatphobic comments. Since I’m 4-5. I wasn’t even fat.

- She told me I was a « fat cow ».

- She told me multiple times that she was going to commit suicide, and I was one of the reasons why.

- I found out she was having an affair with my uncle (her sister’s husband). She doesn’t know I know about this relationship.

- I’m 21 and she still decides for my haircut. I never went to the hairdresser by myself. She was always with me.

- When I was almost 15, we were on holidays in Tunisia. One day, we met another family (of a single dad). My mum flirted with this man. She was still married to my dad. My dad was there as well. That was awkward. In the evening, we watched a show created by the staff. At the end, we left and we lost our mum. We thought she would join us in our bedroom. She came back 2 hours later. My dad became crazy. We all knew she was with the man. I had to force my dad to let my mum get in the room when she came back. This was the worst moment of my entire life. I wished I could die.

- She sends me several messages per day. « What are u doing rn ? Did u already have lunch ? What are u eating ? Did u arrive ? Etc. »

- A few days ago, she was crazy. I told her I was going to my flat student for a few days because I needed to take a break. She screamed at me : « If you leave now, I swear I’m going to kill myself. » So I couldn’t leave my house.

- I usually have to do shopping with her. She doesn’t choose my clothes, but I clearly can’t buy something she doesn’t like.

- She flirts with every man. Not really in a serious way. She just thinks that’s funny. She already flirted with my cousin’s boyfriend (he’s 21). She makes it like that’s a joke. But that’s so awkward. I know that when I will have a boyfriend, she’ll flirt with him.

- I get a student grant (my family has financial problems). She took half of my grant. Without asking. She just told me she needed it, that it was normal because we’re family. Of course I would have given her a part of it. But HALF !? I need money to pay my student flat, to buy food, to pay my bills, to buy stuff for me, etc.

- My mum always hated Halloween. When I was 10, my brother and I celebrated it for the first time, because we really wanted to. A few months later, my grandpa (my mum’s dad) committed suicide. My mum told us that the fact that we celebrated Halloween gave us bad luck. She told us we were mostly responsible for my grandpa’s suicide. I didn’t celebrate Halloween for years after this because I truly believed it.

- When I was 11, I was bullied at school (not that terrible, but still). One day, this was too much for me. I was having lunch with my mum and my brother. I broke and I cried. I explained her what was going on. She didn’t really take it seriously. She thought there were just jokes between children. She never understood I was bullied.

- It happened multiple times that she got crazy, sad and angry and told us : « I have no family ! No family ! I’m alone ! I have no one around me ! » And I was like : « Hey, I’m just there !? »

- I had lived in London for one year (I think you get why I left). One day, at midnight, I was still awake. My mum noticed it because she saw I was online on Facebook. She sent me : « Go to bed ». She was 900km away and still gave me orders.

- I almost never wear makeup. But when I do, my mum usually notices it and makes fun of it. When I was 20, for Christmas, I put some lipstick. My whole family was there. My mum saw my mouth and said in front of everybody : « Hahaha you tried to put lipstick ?! It’s kinda a mess ! » My lipstick was actually ok. But I went to the bathroom, I cried and I took off the lipstick. I just felt so ashamed.

- I have nice curly hair. So did my mum when she was my age. But now, her hair is less curly. Everytime I talk about my hair, about how it looks nice, etc. (it’s the only part of my body that I like), my mum always complains about her own hair and actually kinda makes me feel guilty and bad because I have curly hair and she doesn’t really anymore. So now, I never talk about my hair in front of my mum. Because I know she’s gonna be jealous. And I feel like it’s my fault.

- When I was 10, I had a fight with my mum. And she suddenly told me : « Anyway, you know what ? I actually have cancer and I’m gonna die in a few months. I have cancer because you make me crazy. » I stopped breathing. I started to cry. I asked her : « What ?? ». I couldn’t stop thinking « Omg, she’s gonna die because of me. I’m a monster. » 10 minutes later, she told me this was all fake. She didn’t have cancer. She just told me this lie because she was angry. She. Pretended. She. Had. Cancer. Because. She. Was. Mad. At. Me.

- Last week, she changed my phone operator without asking me. She told me she found a cheaper one. Ok, nice. But she didn’t tell me what I get with this new offer (mobile data, how many SMS, how many calls, etc.). I don’t know about other countries, but in Switzerland, a mobile phone subscription is pretty expensive, even more when you get everything unlimited. Anyway, she changed it without asking me. I’m 21, I pay for my own mobile phone subscription and I can’t even choose it or have the right to give my opinion.

Yeah replying usually takes around the same amount of time for me as well, I just thought of that randomly and then I was like oh that fits so much I can’t wait 😂. (I wish you luck)

Definitely agreed, I feel like maybe her mom knew that she was not well (I know it’s a theory that she died of cancer so her mom could’ve gotten a nicer box and etc. just because she knew that it was going to go to Julie while Reggie’s was just for him and the band)

Yes exactly, you took the words out of my mouth! Wait I didn’t even think of seashells but that is a magnificent idea. The box also holds not only baby pictures of him but the rest of the band as well (Luke is 100% sure that Reggie went to his parents about it)

That theory fits so much because that’s the box where Carlos found the album so maybe that’s like the original draft of Reggie‘s box possibly.

(Can’t remember the episode either however the French dip is definitely Reggies) I mean if he forgot that he made it just due to time and everything maybe that’s why he didn’t react to it and then randomly remembers it. 

Yeah like Julie’s mum wanted her to have something nice to keep all her nice thoughts and happy memories in, as well as something nice to remember her by, Reggie just wanted his things to be kept safe and wasn’t worried about the box itself.

Yes lmao there’s everyone’s baby photos in there, nobody knows how he got them 😂 he went to Luke’s parents and they gladly gave him a whole bunch of copies they had, he found one at Alex’s house while they were all hanging out there and was just like “well it doesn’t look like anyone’s using it” and took it, as for Bobby even Bobby didn’t know he actually had baby photos and it remains a mystery as to how Reggie got them (Alex maintains it’s just some random baby, not even Bobby)

Yeah maybe Reggie had multiple boxes because he filled them up, that was one of his first and he had forgotten everything inside it