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cinnamontoastcroonch · 3 months

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angst for the people:

do you think laurance ever noticed dante’s slight resemblance of gene despite not knowing their relation?

did he ever find himself with his breath stolen from him as he saw gene in his peripheral, only to realize it was actually dante?

did he ever wake from a nightmare, decide to take a breather, and nearly draw his sword when he bumps into dante? (he apologized profusely, how could he have ever made that mistake)

#laurance zvahl #aphblr #mcd #laurance angst #laurance mcd #dante mcd #minecraft diaries

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xerith-42 · 5 months

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Laurance Minecraft Diaries Headcanons that are canon because I say so

-Laurance doesn't like mirrors. His appearance has changed so much and so drastically over such a short period of time that he doesn't like looking at his own reflection because it just reminds him that he can't go back to the person he used to be, no matter how badly he wants to.

-There's a spot near the center of his back where he carries most of his stress. If anyone puts pressure on that point Laurance collapses because it's so tense all the time there and he just never wants to let anyone worry about him so he tries to never be around others with his armor off.

-This slips into Garroth headcanons but Garroth has a similar spot on his back due to a deviated septum and the two of them noticed these things about one another the first time they had downtime together. Both resolved to try and help ease the stress of one another.

-Laurance's favorite color is green.

-He really loves other people's eyes. There's so much people think they hide but they give away everything with their eyes. Garroth has a frown line between his eyebrows when he makes his serious guard face TM, Katelyn says a lot from just a flick of her eyes in combat, Travis' eyes give away how much of his time is spent admiring others. Nobody realizes Laurance notices these things about them but he does.

-After the whole fiasco on the cat island, cats naturally start to be comfortable around Laurance. Strays walk around his legs and start purring before he even pets them. Even after the curse is reversed, he still faintly smells like a cat, and other cats recognize him as a really really big cat.

-Laurance really loves carrying people. Nobody ever lets him do it enough but he loves picking up his friends, or the kids when they want to climb on him, or any of Aphmau's dogs who will let him, Laurance thinks that the strength to hold someone's entire weight and proudly doing so is a beautiful display of love.

-When they were kids Laurance picked up woodcarving so he could make little dolls that Cadenza could then practice her dress making on. He stopped making them as he got older and more busy with guard work, but there's still a chest hiding in a house in Old Meteli that has a handful of small wooden figures with beautiful dresses and colorful hair.

-Laurance isn't sure if he believes in soulmates anymore. He used to, but then it started to feel like a curse. Now he questions if it's even a concept worth considering as a possibility.

#minecraft diaries #laurance zvahl #aphmau #mcd laurance #text post #minecraft diaries laurance #garroth ro'meave #my headcanons #mcd headcanons #minecraft roleplay #light angst #travis valkrum #katelyn the firefist #cadenza zvahl

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merantidote-deact · 7 months

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DAY SEVEN: IN ANOTHER LIFE

or the world in which laurance succumbs

#have always loved angst more than fluff sorry #im also a laurance lover. so #ignore the anatomy in this one #i think im losing steam #artists on tumblr #sketch #aphtober #aphmau fanart #mcd fanart #minecraft diaries #aphblr #aphmau #mcd laurance #mcd aphmau #aphtober day 7 #I JUST REALISED I FORGOT HER FRECKLES NO #my art

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propertyofrjl · 4 months

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As someone who is currently rewatching all of Aphmau's series and has major brain rot over the Aphverse, i am desperate to find a fic where some of the mystreet people get somehow transported to the MCD universe. BECAUSE IMAGINE THE ANGST POTENTIAL IF MYSTREET!ZANE WAS IN THIS GROUP OMG.

MCD!Garroth having to see what he could have had with his own brother if things were different is breaking my heart.

OH OH OH BUT ALSO

Right imagine this little mystreet group is also when they're teenagers, smol little Zane being transported to a world where pretty much everyone despises him because MCD!Zane is the embodiment of evil.

Like, maybe little Aphmau and Zane get separated from the others and end up in Phoenix drop, they manage to make it to the town square where Molly is coming back from praying to Irene, and she sees Zane, the man who hurt her precious baby and used dark magic on their town. Molly then runs to alert whichever guard she can find (it just so happens that Laurence, Garroth and Dante are all leaving the guard tower for their respective patrols at that moment)

These men run to the town square, fearing the place they are sworn to protect is under attack by one of the most dangerous tyrants of their time, and they come to find not only Zane (who's looking around with a sour look on his face, and albeit a little smaller than Garroth remembers) but also the woman they spend their lives protecting (and two of said party are definitely, totally, not in love with her...)

And when i say they're teenagers, i mean the first season of PDH vibes, so Zane and Aphmau with these squeaky voices and no social skills, and Aphmau has spent most of her time looking around in awe up until that point because OH MY IRENE ZANE IT'S JUST LIKE MY GAME!!!

Laurence moves first, rushing over he knocks Zane to the ground harshly before yanking Aphmau away, to which she screams because this tall, scar covered, very scary looking version of her friend (or maybe crush depending on when in PHD this happens) has picked her up far too easily for her liking and she's worried about Zane.

Then Garroth and Dante move in, and suddenly Zane is being looked down upon by his big brother with such a look of disgust and hatred that has never happened before. Garroth loves Zane. Sure they disagree and fight every now and then, they're brothers, but Zane knows Garroth loves him and would keep him safe, and even though he wouldn't admit it, Zane loves his brother too. But the scary and hate filled man standing above him does not make Zane feel safe, and a flush of fear runs through him, followed by watery eyes and embarrassment because why is he feeling so weak and despised by one of the only men in his life who's provided a steady stream of love (unlike his dad)

And when Zane pulls his shaking hands up in surrender, with this wounded animal look upon his face, MCD!Garroth almost has to double take, because not even as children has he ever seen Zane look at him with such fear, the only man who'd ever brought fear upon Zane's face was their father, and maybe that gives Garroth his own little internal crisis because he's tried so hard to be nothing like dear old dad.

BUT ALSO, LETS PICTURE THIS

The rest of the group (let's say...Laurence, KC and Garroth) show up, and they try to find a way home without the help of the villagers of Phoenix drop, only to be attacked and have Zane kidnapped by people MCD!Zane has royally pissed off. The little group run back to Phoenix drop for help, and all the MCD lot just can't seem to understand why these little versions of themselves/their friends want to help Zane of all people so badly. It takes the Garroths having a full on row over it and Mystreet!Aph breaking down in tears to get people to help (because how can Laurence and Garroth watch a small version of the woman they love sob and not do something to try and help?) and obvi Lord Aphmau was on board the moment they asked and was going to do it alone before her Guards through out their protests and Little Garroth decided to cuss out MCD!Garroth for "abandoning his baby brother" (which is where the fight started)

...

Maybe I should write this myself...

Anyway, that's where my brain has gotten me today.

#aphmau #aphmau minecraft diaries #aphmau mcd #aphmau fandom #aphmau mystreet #garroth ro'meave #laurance zvahl #zane ro'meave #ro'meave brothers angst #mcd x mystreet #i cant with this brainrot

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lggy · 7 months

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please just die and come to the nether with me

#zenix #garroth ro'meave #this was vent art but i need to rally up the 1 maybe 2 other people obsessed w zenix garroth angst #zenixs final monologue that singular mention of garroth on his last point i hang onto with my life #i rewatch the first 35 episodes of mcd with the made up idea in my head that zen tried killing gar to turn him into a SK and join him #im so sickly and weak and paethtic #and that zenixs ticket to immortality was killing garroth- not his lord. idk im insane. jess was COOKING. im cooking. but then he didnt die #garroth being torn over losing zenix for the next like 55 episodes im so sad./ then laurance tells him to stfu #my art #fanart

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iridiss · 10 months

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(Edited vers, cause this is actually a wonderful opportunity to share my thoughts on laurmau pet names) Based on the headcanon that, once Aphmau unlocks her Irene powers, Laurance starts to call her “dove,” after her white wings. It’s a much more personal and private nickname than “my Lady,” which is technically a formal, literal official term of respect from a soldier to a female Lord, like calling her “ma’am” or “sir.” It’s still very sweet and affectionate, and technically the military respect inherent in the title only makes the pet name more reverent, honoring, and respectful, but Aphmau is literally his Lady. It’s like a bow of the head to your General or Baroness, and as her hired right-hand-guard, it’s stating how he literally belongs to her (something that means a little more than usual given that he originally belonged solely to Meteli and their army). It means a lot because Aphmau knows that Laurance means a lot when he says it, he’s not saying “ma’am” to be socially correct in his formalities, he’s saying it because he MEANS it. All of the emotional subtext within the title is emphasized tenfold, which contrasts other characters of high status being referenced more stoically. Like Zane is called “Your Grace,” “Your Holiness,” “Your Eminence,” “Your Excellency,” list goes on, by his soldiers and followers because he’s feared. If you don’t refer to him with the highest (solely) formal respect, he may actually kill you. Laurance says it with his heart, not his head

So therefore, “my dove” is a much more intimate alternative that he uses in more private, vulnerable moments, since it cuts straight past any sort of formalities, disregarding their business, work, or titles, and addresses her purely affectionately as someone very dear to him. It’s like “My Lady” says “I revere you” but “my dove” is reserved for “I’m speaking purely as your friend and closest, dearest ally (and probably lover) when I say this/you mean a lot to me PERSONALLY/etc” etc. etc. it goes straight to the heart, from the heart. I don’t think anyone else but Garroth, Aaron, or Cadenza would even know about it, it’s that intimate and rare

(He also calls Void Paradox Aphmau “Blackbird” exclusively, to help distinguish between the two of them)

Anyway, this comic would take place in the au after Garroth traps himself in the Irene Dimension, but before they get him back. Both of them were hit very hard by losing him, and are desperate to get him back. Sometimes to the point of insomnia.

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lucindasthighs · 1 year

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hmmgh thinking about laurance but his shadow knight powers connect him to the environment. And he HATES it.

He wants to pretend that he's not changed, that he can go back to a normal life- But he can hear the tremble of the earth as the memories of old gods vibrate through it; he can sense the withering of plants, the decay of corpses in his vicinity.

The feeling he hates the most is the burning, vicious hatred in the back of his consciousness. It's not his - it's old and faded, like the imprints of letters in a worn book. Sometimes, he can't even tell it's there. But he's quickly reminded when he gazes at Irene Aphmau, and it flares with intensity, like an old wound that never healed.

It's not his...right?

#used old twice in the same paragraph raaghgh #anyway AHGGHG SK LAURANCE ANGST BRAINROTTT #i want him to be doomed by narrative.#i want him to be terrified of losing more than he already has. i wanthim to be backed into a corner in his own mind #and when he leaves to the nether i want him to be defeated #not angry or bitter or anything. just tired. tired of fighting against himself #ALSO i think itd be epic if shad tried to get laurance as his vessel at first #like hes always with aphmau the woman he thinks he wants revenge against.#maybe he wouldnt know shit in s1 but after she gets the relic from the irene dimension theres no way he doesnt sense her #“wrote a whole other post in the tags bye 😭”#aphmau #aphblr #aphverse #minecraft diaries #laurance zvahl #mcd laurance #mcd aphmau #shad the destroyer #irene the matron

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somnas-writes · 1 year

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Garroth couldn’t express how he felt properly so the only way he could was through poetry.

Nobody knew about it, except Dale.

After Garroth goes missing, Dale holds onto the poetry. He tucks it away and keeps it safe.

Aphmau (and Laurance) never read the poems written about them. The verses describing the light in their eyes, the twinkle in their voice, the flutter he feels look at them.

It’s all hidden

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laurancezvahlslefteyebrow · 20 days

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I wrote that fic about Garroth being captured in the Nether, needing to be saved by Laurance.

If you even care.

@cinnamontoastcroonch took a lil inspo from you ;)

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nottoofondofgaypeople · 2 months

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xerith u know ima take advantage of the scene rewrite offer. hit me with that s2 ep52 scene where laurance cuts off aphmau in her (very demeaning and dismissive) spiel to basically let her know that he can’t ignore the idea of the portal nearby

Went back and rewatched the episode. Realized Laurance doesn't even know the portal is fully opened. Got mad about it. Bone appetit.

I'm gonna start off the rewrite of this scene with some dialogue from the original that'll lead into the better version of the scene.

Bit of context, at this point Irena and Laurance are still together, but their relationship has become increasingly strained due to a mixture of the calling, Garroth being gone, the general horrors of MCD storytelling, and Laurance killing all those people at that wedding.

"I can't stand seeing people be forced to do something," Laurance expressed, running an uneasy hand through his hair. It was starting to get long again... "It reminds me too much of what happened in the Nether." His heart ached. "A-And it wasn't just me. Vylad, Zenix... Maybe even Vincent..."

"Laurance," Irena started carefully, hesitating before she put a hand on his shoulder. "I understand what you're trying to do. And my answer is yes, you may turn into a Shadow Knight in order to learn how to control it. But please... Please..." Her voice broke slightly on the second please. "Don't let your emotions control your actions."

"I-I'm sorry. I think I'm just... Off." His eyes drifted to the cave entrance. He could feel the energy present pulling him in. Calling him. It was stronger than it had ever been. He couldn't tell if it was because of himself or the portal.

"It's okay. Just let me handle it." She pulled her hand away, the warmth present from it evaporating in an instant. It left Laurance feeling cold.

"What, the portal? I-I've been to the Nether, I feel like I'm the best to assess it."

"Laurance, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because who knows if it's active or not--"

"You know." Irena froze. "You know because you activated it."

"Vylad told you?"

"He wanted to make sure I knew before I approached it." Laurance looked back to her, basically forcing eye contact despite the lack of need for it.

"I was trying to seal it..."

"You should know you can't do that."

"It worked before, didn't it?! I saw the wolves do it!"

"The wolves were trained to do it, Irena. Their elder was an expert in realm magic, that's why he looked after the portal. Don't you realize you put yourself in danger with a stunt like that? What if it had rebounded onto you and hurt you?" Irena looked away, even taking a step towards the portal.

"Still, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go to it."

"Don't avoid the conversation." Despite being blind, he reached perfectly for her shoulder, forcing her to stay even if she couldn't look at him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I--"

"And don't tell me that you didn't think it was important." Irena went silent. "How long were you planning on lying to me?"

"...I wasn't lying to you."

"You just weren't going to tell me the truth."

"Laurance, I-I didn't want you to worry about it. I figured we'd come up with some solution eventually to close it--"

"And you thought I wouldn't want to help with that?!"

"We don't know what'll happen if you go near it!"

"Vylad said he was fine standing next to it!"

"But Vylad has 15 years of controlling this! I didn't want to risk you losing control if you got too close."

"If that's the case, why didn't you tell me you tried to seal it in the first place? Why didn't you tell me it got worse? What if I had gone in there and it started working on me before you could catch me?"

"But that wouldn't happen--"

"Because you'd keep me on a short enough leash."

"N-No, it's not like that--"

"Then what is it like, Irena?! What was your plan here?!" She finally looked at him. Sage green eyes stared back at her. Not a hint of red in them. This wasn't the calling or the portal pulling on his anger. This was just Laurance. Knowing that, she turned away, putting her hand on his.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." She removed his hand from her shoulder. "I won't stop you from going to the portal if you want to, but please, try to maintain control." Laurance took a shaky breath. He was tired of her running, but she wasn't going to stop. Not while they weren't home. He'd have to confront her later.

"How bad is it?"

"Vylad already told you everything, didn't he?"

"I'm not asking Vylad. I'm asking you."

"It's... Bad. Worse than any portal I've seen. The magic may not have rebounded onto me, but it did rebound. It's a portal large enough... for an army." Laurance sighed, stepping ahead of her, but stopping short.

"Next time... Please don't lie to me." She didn't respond. It made Laurance angrier. "Irena--"

"What?! What do you want from me? To lie again by saying I won't lie to you?!" He turned around in a fury. Still his eyes remained the same.

"I want you to feel like you don't have to lie to me! I-I want to have a conversation with the love of my life where I don't second guess what she tells me! How can I trust anything you say when you can't even pretend like you won't lie to me again?!"

Laurance's words echoed in the valley nearby. They echoed in his mind as they always did, as they always had since her first thought of them. Since he first found out from Vylad she didn't tell him. At first he gave her the benefit of the doubt, there was a lot going on at the time. Her focus was on the safety of her sons. But then... She still didn't tell him. And then she tried to keep him from it. How much was she going to "forget" to tell him before it was intentional? How much was he willing to tolerate?

The inability to answer those questions, the inability of both of them to answer Laurance's questions, it made him turn away. It made him walk away from her, even if he faintly heard a sniffle from her. It brought him just to the edge of the cave. He could feel the pull of the portal, like another person grabbing his arm and leading him to it. The hands even felt familiar. They felt like Gene.

Instead he turned away again. Took his stance outside the portal room with crossed arms and a furrowed brow. And even though he knew it wasn't necessary, even though he knew that he couldn't see her like this, he still narrowed his eyes at Irena as she walked into the portal room. He still glared at her when she left. He hated being angry with her, but it's all he could feel. It's all she let him feel when she tried to brush him off like that.

Irena's tendency to try and ignore unfavorable subjects was something Laurance was intimately familiar with. She did it all the time with Shadow Knight and Nether related stuff. She tried to focus on the positive and only address the negative when it was literally banging down her door demanding action. He remembered arguing with her over the chances of going to war with O'Khasis, how dismissive she was of the idea because she didn't want to believe O'Khasis would truly do that. He remembered the conversations they and Garroth had about this very issue.

The hope was that she would get better, that she would talk to them about serious issues, that she would address them properly with them. But ever since Lilian meddled in things, turned Garroth against her over a single instance, she seemingly regressed. Refused to talk to anyone about these issues unless they forced her hand. Laurance hated forcing her to do anything. He'd rather she feel comfortable just... telling him things.

That was the day Laurance started coming to terms with the inevitable fallout. Whether he wanted to or not, he knew that things were only going to get worse from here. He wasn't going to be able to be nice about this for long, and Irena always reacted badly when someone pointed out her shortcomings. What had once been a fun quirk of their banter was going to snowball into something capable of ending their relationship. He couldn't stand the thought.

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dantes-gf · 8 months

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jesson making garroth's and laurance's worst fear be aphmau kissing another man is such wasted potential.

both garroth and laurance have such deep character plots by the time they get to malachi's castle, and that's what she chose to be the thing they fear the most.

#can you imagine the angst that couldve been #laurance completing his transformation #garroth's wouldve been something like #letting everyone in the village down #which couldve been foreshadowing for the finale #def gonna write that now #missed opportunity #aphmau #minecraft diaries #aphmau minecraft diaries #aphmau mcd #aphmau garroth #aphmau laurance #aphmau malachi

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cinnamontoastcroonch · 5 months

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he’s pissed & needs to be kissed.

once i saw somebody on a diff platform say that the sk’s hair floats slightly when transformed & i really liked that idea so i tried to emulate it

whoever is on the other end of his lil dagger is in for it

#laurance zvahl #shadow knight laurance #laurance mcd #mcd #aphblr #the zvahler #aphmau laurance #aphmau #mcd laurance #my art #cinnamontoastcroonch art #laurence zvahl #laurence mcd #laurance angst #minecraft diaries

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xerith-42 · 9 days

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Hey guyyyys!! I'm baaack with a fresh batch of Laurance angst brought to you by "I really like this random design detail and will try my damnedest to make it make sense." The design detail in question is heterochromia!

Today's programming involves discussion of torture and probably some body horror

So, I'm a big believer in heterochromatic Laurance. It's just real to me. Because honestly both of his very distinct looks are serving cunt in very distinct Laurance Zvahl ways. I have a preference for his original appearance because I have a few bones to pick with Jessica's design decisions, but the pale blue and even blind eyes fit Laurance really well.

In a separate iteration of Laurance I made him lose one of his eyes before the rebirth process, so his heterochromia was unrelated to the whole pseudo-zombie thing. But in MCD... Well... Everything comes back to Shadow Knights.

Little Larry has beautiful emerald green eyes that then get utterly destroyed by the cruelness of the hell he willingly threw himself into to save those he loves. And uhhh, Laurance in canon says he was tortured down there. So let's get into that, shall we? Now, a thing about torture methods is that there's a lot of them, they're really easy to come up with if you have even a slightly sadistic mindset, and they are often focused. Most people who frequently engage in torture chose one field of the body to focus on.

Now let's look at Gene. Obviously for his magical and psychological torture, his focus is on the mind. But what about his physical methods? Obviously Gene gets his kicks out of people in pain, yet I think his real focus is when it gets personal. When someone isn't just in pain, but they are crying, shaking, writhing in agony while staring up at him cursing his bloodline. The eyes are the window into the mind and they say so much that the mouth can't when words fail or are restricted.

Gene focuses on eyes. He remembers them. They haunt him. When he's learning how to break people, he learns how to use their very sense of sight against them. It's already what he knows how to do with his magic and extreme gaslighting tactics. If he has a focus, if he has a piece of information he needs, and he has a target, then he'll focus on the eyes. If he, for example, thinks that Laurance has more information on either realm barriers or Aphmau, who is quickly becoming a point of interest for the Shadow King, then he'll have a reason.

But he can't possibly permanently ruin both of Laurance's eyes. He still needs another for at least semi-proper comprehension of how fucked he is. Gene doesn't need more than one eye. And I like to characterize Gene as a bit of a mad scientist, testing out his magic and Shadow Knight powers in extreme and unhinged ways.

Who knows what he did to Laurance's eye, what happened when he destroyed it and regenerative powers brought it back over and over. What effects traversing between realms had on whatever the fuck Gene did to make it so bad it didn't even resemble his original eye color.

Irene's blessing is able to mitigate the damage on his other eye, the one that was only blinded by realm travel, and bring it almost back to its original state. A pale sage color that has partial but still restricted vision. Laurance is grateful for what little eyesight he has. His other eye, the one Gene targeted... It doesn't come back. After the realm barrier blinded it, there was no undoing the damage anymore. It remains a cloudy pale blue, scars running across the skin around it and through his retinas.

I want to make it clear that Laurance isn't ashamed of this. He doesn't try to hide his eye, but he is cagey to answer questions about it. Most people are smart enough not to question, and he'll open up to the people he cares about (ie Garroth and Aphmau) when he's ready. I have a whole arc related to his blindness that's a whole side blog post I'm working on, but Laurance doesn't forsake the sight he has and he also doesn't lament what he's lost.

"Cad[endza] and Aphmau keep saying they want to bring my sight back. [I] know they mean well but... I can't tell them what happened. I don't think either one of them could take it. Garroth might be able to, but I don't think either of us trust each other enough for that conversation yet. I don't need my eyesight back, and I don't need anyone to fix my left eye. If they knew what that monster did, they would be grateful I have an eye to be blinded.

He doesn't encourage anyone to try and bring it back, and he might even get upset if they're too insistent about it. He's not exactly eager for another magic user to get their hands too close to an already severely damaged eye. He might not say it out loud to someone, but... [blinks my gay little eyes] There's a page in his journal that reads--

Text ID:

#aphblr #minecraft diaries #text post #laurance zvahl #aphverse #angst #its always angst #aphmau #mcd #mcd aphmau #mcd garroth #mcd cadenza #mcd gene

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reptilliancrocs · 9 months

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More angst for you LaurMau shippers

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alastair-1205 · 10 months

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Ugggghhhhh I can't for the life of me remember where I first saw this, but something something, every time Laurence looked at Aphmau this old hatred that wasn't his would flare up because of there connection to gods that wanted each other dead, something something Laurence loving Aphmau was just another way he was hating himself because of it something something loving what you can't have and loving that which actively hurt and burns you.

I'm normal I promise.

#If I have some of the details wrong no I dont. its been a while #minecraft diaries #aphmau #mcd laurance #laurence zvhal #mcd aphmau #shadow knights #stg the shadow kights were one of the most disapointing plot points to me #I wanted that angst so badly bro but noooooo #it had to be about a shitty romance #/lh i promise lmao

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iridiss · 11 months

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So I really like the concept of MCD Aaron & Laurance being friends. If you moved some stuff around in the timeline, like delaying Laurance’s shadow knight transformation to WELL after they meet Aaron, and match things up in time for Laurance to travel to the VP timeline, die to the Alter at the very end of season 1 a la Garroth’s sacrifice in the Irene Dimension style, and become a shadow knight either before or during the time Aaron becomes Shad’s vessel, I think it could bring about some juicy character dynamics and scenarios

(character and story analysis/ideas/headcanons below, content warning for ptsd and in-depth discussions of trauma)

I like the concept of them meeting in life, before either of them have died, when Aaron has closed himself off from the world and become hardened by the pain, fear, grief, and vengeful fury that came from watching his wife, son, and entire village die. When they meet, he’s stoic, he’s living off of vengeance alone, he’s miserable. The feared and infamous Werewolf Killer gets picked up by Aphmau, Garroth, Laurance, and Dante and brought into the Phoenix Drop Alliance, likely because he’d have much better chances at finding and killing High Priest Zane with them than just by wandering the icy wastes on his own. But the boys take him in as one of their own, they become friends, and Laurance is an especially big help to Aaron’s progress. Laurance is the comedian, he’s the playful clown, he’s the competitive spirit getting others fired up and shining their brightest, he’s the hype-man, he’s the one who cracks the jokes that keep you going in the midst of the horrific terrors of war. He’s like a dog, he brings infectious laughter wherever he goes, laughter Aaron is in dire need of. Laurance teaches Aaron the value of being light-hearted and genuine. He teaches him how to unwind, how to relax, how to have fun, how to play again. Through him, Aaron learns how to recognize when he’s safe, when he doesn’t have to fight. He can put his sword down and kick back for a while, join in on the games. He can forget about the pain for a little while. He’s the one who teaches him safety—which makes it all the more impactful when that’s the very thing that later gets torn from them.

I like the concept of Laurance being a Shadow Knight at the same time his old friend has been warped into his Shadow Lord. Aaron fights Shad and tries to heaven and back to protect his old friend from all the torture and the beatings and the brutalization designed to crush, but there’s only so much he’s capable of saving. You can have one version of their dynamic that’s much less angsty, where he does actually manage to protect Laurance from Shad’s wrath and control, preventing him from spiraling from the trauma and Shad’s influence later, and Laurance gets to keep his old, bright self through his escape and rebellion—but you can also make some delectable angst from the two of them, and I think I like that concept a little better ;>

I like to imagine that though there is a magical aspect to the Shadow Lord’s control over his knights, and he is able to possess and “puppeteer” them and send them into a blindly violent state that can be signaled by the Knight’s strong emotions, most of what makes a Shadow Knight a Shadow Knight is purely psychological. Every one of them is a person that went through a literal and emotional hell so viscerally traumatizing that they’re just…broken. They have to follow his every order, they can’t speak for themselves, they can’t do or think anything else, because God only knows what would happen to them if they did, and that gets programmed into their bones so deeply that the terrified little animal in their brains isn’t capable of even thinking of anything else—because he’s in their thoughts too. He’s in their minds, he can read their thoughts, he knows how they’re feeling, he’s in their bodies, he’s in their veins and their guts and their bones, like a terrible leech. And what thing is more horrific than losing your own autonomy and self-agency, what thing is more traumatic than having someone else, a writhing parasite of an untouchable, unstoppable man, taking your body as his property and using you, breaking you, controlling you, making you do everything you never wanted to do, like a million cockroaches inside your innards, that you can never, ever, ever get rid of, no matter how much you fight—until it’s just not worth fighting anymore. What’s the point? He’ll always be there. He’ll always find you. And that’s what happens to every Shadow Knight, that’s the fear and trauma in each that drives them to do everything they do. Laurance, Gene, Zenix, Sasha, Vylad, Zane (especially Zane since he happened to piss off Aaron too), they all have it. It’s horrifying.

But when Shad is defeated and his soul moves on to become the Judgement we see in When Angels Fall, all of his prior magical control over his Knights is lost. Laurance and Aaron are freed, all their enemies are gone, they get their happy ending, and the war is finally won. But the two are still left with the grievous scars, physical and psychological, and the question of “What the hell are we supposed to do now?” They can finally be normal now, if “normal” was ever salvageable.

Aaron remembers his old friend. He still held on fiercely to everything he learned when he was with Aphmau and the boys, he held on to his gentleness, to his care, his heart, his yearning for the joy of times long past. He feels terrible for everything Laurance went through under The Shadow Lord’s command, and he wants his friend back, he wants to make it up to him and fix it somehow, even if it may be impossible to ever fix something like that, he still cares enough to try.

Laurance remembers too. To the very end, he held onto his heart and everyone in it with a shaking hand. He also understands pretty well what it’s like to be forced to hurt the people you love and do terrible things against your consent, he knows what it’s like to have someone horrible control you. So he holds an empathy for his old friend, he doesn’t blame him for any of his hurt. He knows it was all Shad, he knows logically that Aaron would never hurt him, he knows that Shad is dead and the threat is gone. But that kind of fear and pain doesn’t go away very easily, and certainly not by the scorn of “reason and logic.” A part of him has been killed, and it’s going to take a very long time to get it back, if he ever does.

He still cares for Aaron, he certainly doesn’t want to fight him or hurt him, and there’s a significant part of him that wants to keep him close. But there’s also a lot of him that’s still pretty fucked up, that still sees his Lord when he looks at Aaron. And that brings up…a lot of things. Self-destructive things, violently defiant things, furious things, crying things, hopeless things, hopeful things, comfort things.

Aaron tries his best to be gentle and reassuring and comforting, he tries his best not to spook him, but they have good days and bad days anyway. It’s all very messy, very angsty, very sopping-drenched in pain, and very much a struggle. They’re working towards getting through it.

I like that concept.

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