#just thoughts really
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tbh the Critical Role fandom, along with most fandoms, has a problem with centering easily digestible metaphors for white queer experiences (and even then only those that check all the boxes of the purity list) at the cost of seeing stories through the lens of race, class, mental and physical disabilities and how those can intersect with queer experiences.
for example, putting an unnecessary amount of effort into proving Jester's attraction to Fjord is compulsory heterosexuality while ignoring that Fjord and Jester were both explicitly biracial characters from different class backgrounds and how that class difference intersected with their self image. a general refusal to really interact with Chetney as a character that is heavily coded as mentally ill and uninterested in being "cured." Veth being deemed the token straight Karen despite being a young rural mother of color struggling with addiction and having an arc that was heavily coded as trans, and Ashton, a nonbinary lower class punk with chronic pain, being considered just a man when it comes to ship wars. etc, etc.
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Thinking about masks, specifically Laudna's, and how determined she is to maintain hers around Imogen. With Imogen, Laudna's mask is necessary because Imogen is someone she wants to protect and support, someone Laudna wants to give the life she never had, and she can't do that if she's feeling doubtful and uncertain about herself. So Laudna has to put on that protective, supportive front without voicing many of her darker, more serious thoughts, made evident by her conversation with Ashton in tonight's episode. And, as interesting as it is to draw parallels between Imogen and Laudna and early Caleb and Nott, I think primary difference of their dynamics is because of that mask (or its lack thereof).
Nott and Caleb didn't really have something like that separating them. I think, arguably, Caleb required more babying from Nott in the early days because he was a complete mess in a way that Imogen isn't, which is represented in how Nott treats him and protects him (coddles him, even, sometimes). But they didn't really put up false fronts between each other. They kept secrets, sure. Nott and Caleb excelled at keeping secrets. But they were very emotionally honest with each other despite their secret-keeping. And I can't help but wonder if Imogen and Laudna are actually the direct opposite of that--they don't have any secrets, sure. But have they been or are they capable of being completely emotionally honest with each other? Can Laudna actually let her guard down around Imogen and drop her lightheartedness or is it too difficult for her to face the truth of those serious feelings with Imogen?
#just thoughts really#I feel like there are a lot of imogen/laudna and caleb/nott parallels but those relationships do NOT feel the same to me#maybe this is some of why#cr spoilers#critical role#bells hells#cr3e32#imogen temult#laudna#caleb widogast#nott the brave#veth brenatto#the mighty nein#this might be absolutely nothing (because it's 4:30am and what am I even writing) but it might be something? idk?#this is also the reason I think I don't ship imogen and laudna#I prefer that complete emotional honesty that I'm just not sure they have
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Thinking about the cross overs between love and obsession. Thinking about the wires that have to be crossed in Dean's head to value keeping Sam alive more than keeping Sam happy or honouring his wishes. Thinking about how sick is is and how much I love it.
Dean just wants Sam to stay alive, it doesn't matter what Sam wants, he's willing to sacrifice anything as long as it means still having Sam at his side. It's loving and caring about someone at the expense of the very person you love. I'm fascinated, give me more.
#Just thoughts really#Wincest#Brothers in love#Supernatural#Their love is fucked up and it gets me fucked up#They're twisted I love it
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WBL thoughts
on Pei Shou yi and his affective disorder and relationship with Yu Zhen Xuan.
Late, I know, but maybe someone’s still interested to share some musings... Wrote this in the end notes to their fic moments I am working on to arrange my headcanon, throwing it ou there too, i case someone wants to read or interact <3
Trying to put myself in their headspaces. From my research, I can't really pinpoint Pei Shou Yi's condition or diagnosis, so the headcanon that I operate from for him is something like this:
Affective disorder seems to mean mood disorders, which are depression and bipolar disorder and the variants of them.
What Shou Yi describes as not being able to feel or react emotionally, sounds more like alexithymia, which is defined as a trait that can accompany various personality disorders.
It is not so much not having feelings as it means having trouble identifing feelings or lacking the words to describe them. Maybe, in effect, this might be similar to 'not being able to feel', when your mind can't put a meaning or concept or name to the emotional arousal you might be experiencing, cannot form a link between the rational concepts you've learned and the things happening in your body and mind.
Theres also the term 'disaffected' that was coined for a psychoanalytical approach to alexithymia. Where with the studies on alexithymia, causes are often looked for in brain chemistry and the inablity to process emotions from a biochemical point of view, the term disaffectation indicates that the condition could result from an experienced overload of emotion not congruent with your integrity or identity, so feeling as a whole is eliminated to resolve that conflict, as I understood it.
It would be so interesting to know more about what made Pei Shou Yi the way he is, his history, if he grew up with it, if he has suffered trauma, neglect, if he ever had theraphy or treatment, if he studied psychological topics as a mechanism to cope, and how that career path as a doctor, whatever his exact qualifications are, helped or maybe blocked him from healing, by not allowing himself to be more than a diagnosis that seemed to fit.
In any case, the affective disorder mentioned, it might be a chronic form of depression, where apathy or anhedonia can play a role, like dysthymia, with the added self?-diagnosis of alexithymia. How much of it is 'real' and how much of it might be a protective mechanism is hard to tell, especially since Pei Shoui Yi has armed himself with the knowledge and terminology of psychology, even if it is not clear how much of an authority in those fields he, or the show's writers for that matter, really are. At times, I think his claim to feel nothing is something he exaggerates to push Zhen Xuan away.
Yes, sooo much to explore there.
Especially when he meets that boy full of feral feelings and challenges communicating and processing those as well.
As Yu Zhen Xuan is portrayed as having Autistic Spectrum Disorder, some of their challenges actually might overlap. Alexithymia can occur in people with ASD too, although I think Zhen Xuan might not be a candidate for that. He did struggle not as much with identifying, but maybe with communicating/expressing his feelings, all that pain he didn't know where to turn to, that Pei Shou Yi of all was the first to address.
The irony and sense that makes, right?
To an extent I feel like Pei Shou Yi saw and needed Yu Zhen Xuan as a mirror that completes the parts he can't see in himself, but is similar enough to allow a second look, a sense of solidarity and sameness.
A lot of imagery in the show supports that, the two same cups for example.
I also just read an interesting article, that suggests people on the autism spectrum might struggle with the cognitive part of empathy more, like reading faces and body language and deducting feelings from there, and the affective empathy part might actually be more pronouncedly felt by some, a direct instinctual picking up and feeling along others' emotions, which might be overwhelming in its intensity.
Zhen Xuan seems to brim with raw feelings and empathy when he's with Shou Yi, so they might actually complement each other there, Zhen Xuan might pick up on something from Shou Yi, that Shou Yi himself can't really name and process or completely connect to, and Shou Yi might learn to use the mirror that Zhen Xuan can provide like this, to get more in touch with himself.
It's what Zhen Xun keeps doing for Pei Shou Yi now, that they are not any longer in a dependent student/tutor relationship, with a hierarchial imbalance, that Shou Yi rightfully ended when it threatened to become more than what was needed by Zhen Xuan back then to benefit his growth.
Now that Zhen Xuan has found his footing, has climbed up those steps to an eye level equality in partnership with Shou Yi, more than he could when he was just too young, now may be the time where they can turn their focus on Shou Yi's healing as well.
And I think that after they met again, that is what Zhen Xuan does for Shou Yi, and what gets through to him after all. It's the challenging of that rigid shield of a self-diagnosis he may exaggerate to get his way, the challenging of a way of life that Pei Shou Yi has accepted for himself mostly, but through Zhen Xuan's influence, we do see cracks in that self image.
And I think he does feel things, and it is hinted at in their special ep, and through the profile-musings shown in their episode 7, that he can’t hide his feelings any longer, and that he has to stop lying to himself.
He does feel something, when he’s with Zhen Xuan, not only annoyance, does feel something in that moment when Zhen Xuan kissed him, he just doesn’t feel he deserves to respond to Zhen Xun based on that, because Zhen Xuan deserves better in his eyes, and him pushing Zhen Xuan away is always out of the ulterior motive to protect Zhen Xuan fom him, so everything he told Zhen Xuan about his not being able to feel anything... like Zhen Xuan calles him out on it right at the beginning for lying - i don’t think we can take it all at face value, or an absolute diagosis.
The actors, and their spotify podcast have hinted at similar things, so in conclusion, I believe - and the show made that the conclusion of his arc, too, albeit sometimes very subtly - Pei Shou Yi does feel for Yu Zhen Xuan, has for a long time, it is a deep care and interest in his well being, so much that he takes himself out of the eqaution when he thinks his involvement is not beneficial to Zhen Xuan, or what he deserves, with the limitations of Shou Yi’s condition.
That’s why his actions and words so often contradict himself, which Zhen Xuan picks up on, too, holding on and hoping.
#Pei Shou Yi#We best love#meta ramble#affective disorder#Yu Zhen Xuan#Pei Shou yi x Yu Zhen Xuan#Fighting Mr. 2nd#just thoughts really
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Rowling isn't denying holocaust. She just pointed out that burning of transgender health books is a lie as that form of cosmetic surgery didn't exist. But of course you knew that already, didn't you?
I was thinking I'd probably see one of you! You're wrong :) Let's review the history a bit, shall we?
In this case, what we're talking about is the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, or in English, The Institute of Sexology. This Institute was founded and headed by a gay Jewish sexologist named Magnus Hirschfeld. It was founded in July of 1919 as the first sexology research clinic in the world, and was run as a private, non-profit clinic. Hirschfeld and the researchers who worked there would give out consultations, medical advice, and even treatments for free to their poorer clientele, as well as give thousands of lectures and build a unique library full of books on gender, sexuality, and eroticism. Of course, being a gay man, Hirschfeld focused a lot on the gay community and proving that homosexuality was natural and could not be "cured".
Hirschfeld was unique in his time because he believed that nobody's gender was either one or the other. Rather, he contended that everyone is a mixture of both male and female, with every individual having their own unique mix of traits.
This leads into the Institute's work with transgender patients. Hirschfeld was actually the one to coin the term "transsexual" in 1923, though this word didn't become popular phrasing until 30 years later when Harry Benjamin began expanding his research (I'll just be shortening it to trans for this brief overview.) For the Institute, their revolutionary work with gay men eventually began to attract other members of the LGBTA+, including of course trans people.
Contrary to what Anon says, sex reassignment surgery was first tested in 1912. It'd already being used on humans throughout Europe during the 1920's by the time a doctor at the Institute named Ludwig Levy-Lenz began performing it on patients in 1931. Hirschfeld was at first opposed, but he came around quickly because it lowered the rate of suicide among their trans patients. Not only was reassignment performed at the Institute, but both facial feminization and facial masculization surgery were also done.
The Institute employed some of these patients, gave them therapy to help with other issues, even gave some of the mentioned surgeries for free to this who could not afford it! They spoke out on their behalf to the public, even getting Berlin police to help them create "transvestite passes" to allow people to dress however they wanted without the threat of being arrested. They worked together to fight the law, including trying to strike down Paragraph 175, which made it illegal to be homosexual. The picture below is from their holiday party, Magnus Hirschfeld being the gentleman on the right with the fabulous mustache. Many of the other people in this photo are transgender.
[Image ID: A black and white photo of a group of people. Some are smiling at the camera, others have serious expressions. Either way, they all seem to be happy. On the right side, an older gentleman in glasses- Magnus Hirschfeld- is sitting. He has short hair and a bushy mustache. He is resting one hand on the shoulder of the person in front of him. His other hand is being held by a person to his left. Another person to his right is holding his shoulder.]
There was always push back against the Institute, especially from conservatives who saw all of this as a bad thing. But conservatism can't stop progress without destroying it. They weren't willing to go that far for a good while. It all ended in March of 1933, when a new Chancellor was elected. The Nazis did not like homosexuals for several reasons. Chief among them, we break the boundaries of "normal" society. Shortly after the election, on May 6th, the book burnings began. The Jewish, gay, and obviously liberal Magnus Hirschfeld and his library of boundary-breaking literature was one of the very first targets. Thankfully, Hirschfeld was spared by virtue of being in Paris at the time (he would die in 1935, before the Nazis were able to invade France). His library wasn't so lucky.
This famous picture of the book burnings was taken after the Institute of Sexology had been raided. That's their books. Literature on so much about sexuality, eroticism, and gender, yes including their new work on trans people. This is the trans community's Alexandria. We're incredibly lucky that enough of it survived for Harry Benjamin and everyone who came after him was able to build on the Institute's work.
[Image ID: A black and white photo of the May Nazi book burning of the Institute of Sexology's library. A soldier, back facing the camera, is throwing a stack of books into the fire. In the background of the right side, a crowd is watching.]
As the Holocaust went on, the homosexuals of Germany became a targeted group. This did include transgender people, no matter what you say. To deny this reality is Holocaust denial. JK Rowling and everyone else who tries to pretend like this isn't reality is participating in that evil. You're agreeing with the Nazis.
But of course, you knew that already, didn't you?
Edit: Added image IDs. I apologize to those using screen readers for forgetting them. Please reblog this version instead.
#transgender#trans history#transsexual#transphobia#Magnus Hirschfeld#holocaust#holocaust denial#book burning#j.k. rowling#jk rowling#just in case you missed what i mean by all this: go fuck yourself anon :)#trans people have always existed#and we will always exist#if you really wanna pick a fight with me over well-documented history then you better bring in some sources to back your shit#queer history#queer#lgbt+#lgbta+#lgbt#lgbt history#edit: i finally got around to those damn image IDs. i am so very sorry for totally forgetting that's my bimbo moment of the month#also real quick i thought about adding an image of the actual building but the only one i can find has a Nazi parade in front of it#it was taken the day of the book burning raid and honestly if i were to include it then i'd add it to the first few paragraphs#and i think the story's better told when you uphold the hope Magnus Hirschfeld and all the researchers he worked with had#also keeps being brought up: yes Hirschfeld was a eugenicist. it was a popular belief set that was only discredited after WW2#Hirschfeld died in 1935. he literally didn't live long enough to see science turn against those beliefs and practices#considering how he changed his mind on transitions i like to think he would've changed his mind on eugenics too if he'd lived
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I must not respond to the bad take. Responding to the bad take is the mind-killer. Responding to the bad take is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face the bad take. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the bad take has gone there will be nothing. Only I (and my good takes) will remain.
#my nonsense#surely someone has made this exact post already#I want to clarify that this isn't even really about anything I just thought of the joke and thus was compelled to make it
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Laios Touden Period Cramps moodboard
[image ID: a 3x3 moodboard of alternating Dungeon Meshi manga panels and Delicious in Dungeon anime screenshots of Laios suffering from cramps and stomach pain, arranged in sequential order to show how his pain progresses. Laios is a blond tallman (human) in grey plate armor. In some images, there is a closeup of his face with a pained expression or crying, while the rest show him doubled over on the ground. In two manga panels, Laios says, "My stomach. Urrgh..." Narrative text from the other panels read, "Laios tried to say something... But overwhelming stomach pain and nausea wiped all thoughts from his mind. For an entire night, it felt like his stomach was being carved open from the inside." End ID.]
#I just find the thought that Ryoko Kui probably based his poses/pain responses on like menstrual cramps or smt really funny#Also pls go easy on me for the editing job I did all of this from my phone#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#laios touden#Thanks to Livingmeatloaf for the caption!
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calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.
#nonbinary love#nblnb yearning#nb4nb#nblnb#wholesomeposting#yearning hours#ive been thinking about how some languages dont have a possessive tense#so you dont say “i have a thing” but rather “a thing is by me”#and like im not usually one for psycho linguistics and like critical thoughts etc etc etc#but i really like the framework of responsibility/commitment rather than ownership#i think about this mostly in terms of ecology#and relation to land#but i also love it as it applies to language shared between lovers#like i LOVE calling them mine or for them to call me theirs#but i'm also nonmonog and that was kinda weird to square for a while#and it clicked one time when i was talking about my neighborhood and i was like well#when i say my neighborhood or my city it's understood i'm not taking it away from anybody else#its understood i just mean the city where i live#so why cant we apply the same to lovers?#mine in the way i want to show up for you again and again#ok#done now
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on a r/LetsTalkMusic post asking why rock isnt as popular any more
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seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything
#i personally like to not be doing things constantly at all times. it stresses me out#i know there are ppl who thrive on cosntant activity#but me i like to chill out.#and the problem then becomes that i only ACTIVELY remember to do work and Find More Work To Do when im stressed#at the thought that others might want to see me working#if im ever relaxed i just dont look for stuff to do#catch 22 of modern work culture which permeates even ostensibly noncapitalist structures like public libraries#for instance: will it really kill anybody if the books get shelved by me now after a very busy day?#or shelved tomorrow morning by. well probably me since i'll be the one at the desk#not in the slightest#but it was work that wasnt being immediately done by me. therefore it was incorrect behavior#that i failed to identify because my instinct is to relax when not immediately presented with a Situation#this got me labeled as 'having no initiative' by my dad from a very early age#and even as an adult i still feel like im a child with no initiative
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genuinely this is the funniest joke in the series so far to me
#granted im only 3 eps in. but ive seen no one post this one even tho i thought it was hilarious in a really dumb way#i literally went out of my way to pull up the subbed version just to get the captions to screenshot thats how funny it was. to me.#scott pilgrim
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it is 8 am and my brain will not shut up about how Fjord "nOT uNDerStANdiNg" Jester is the whole damn point of the ship. like yes, he didn't immediately clock that Jester was putting on a sunshine act. of course, he didn't. he has a mechanical -2 to insight and ten layers of his own performative bullshit encasing him like armor and besides, he's likely assuming Jester would just tell him if there was something wrong. they already know so much about each other that the rest of the group doesn't. what's the point of secrets?
so yeah, it has to be pointed out to him, but what does Fjord do when he realizes Jester is not what he initially thought? he asks her about her feelings. he does the work to understand her better, and he fucks up on occasion because he has his own things he needs to work through and he doesn't understand exactly where the lines are, what's going to make her feel protected and what's going to make her feel patronized, but he puts in the effort with Jester because he cares about Jester. and I hate to say it because the idea that someone might just magically see the real you is oh so romantic in fiction, but that's what a real relationship is. that sort of work is what any sort of love is built on. it's not about inherently just getting it. it's about effort and change and devotion and being vulnerable whether that means lowering your shields to confide in someone or just looking like an idiot to make someone happy.
and this ain't even getting into how once he does start asking the right questions and gets to know her on that next level, Fjord does understand Jester because she is almost exactly like him.
#people really will be like ''i want a man who communicates'' and turn around and ignore that fjorester is built on communication#it's a good ship brent#just thoughts really#sea and shore
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He added, after a pause: “Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.”
Les Misérables, Volume I / Book V / Chapter III, trans. Hapgood
#is this anything? idk I've been looking at it too long to tell. anyways I just really liked this passage#^ the text here is a little abridged tbc bc i couldn't draw all the uses of nettles he lists etc#I think I might also color that last panel separately bc I'm really pleased with it tbh#thoughts#my art#les mis#jean valjean
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Jon he's really trying here cut him a break
(tumblr crunched the resolution of this comic a lot rip)
#dracula daily#hello im back from the void with shitty dracula doodles#i actually drew this last year but never posted it#here it is now though#count dracula#jonathan harker#Drac reading the english bradshaw guide is still one of the funniest moments in Dracula to me#i know it is supposed to show how he's planning to infiltrate england and appear local#but it really does just come across like he picked it up in a panic and pretended to be reading it when Jonathan came back into the room#and being the weird guy he is thought reading train schedules was really normal behaviour#bram stoker's dracula is a romcom#re: dracula
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Gumshoe being the only person with enough emotional intelligence to recognize Franziska as a teenager on the verge of a breakdown
#i just thought this was a really nice bit of character writing#dick gumshoe#franziska von karma#ace attorney
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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