#just kind of existing as a fat person always has me worried about this but I’m probably overthinking idk
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QUARTER-FINALS MATCH 3
Claude propaganda:
"To say Claude has trust issues is an understatement—you have to spend half the game earning his. (Claude isn't even his real name!) Once you have it, though, he's absolutely ride or die for you until the stars go out. He is so full of heart and ambition: He wants both sides of his heritage to get along, he wants to open borders and eliminate xenophobia and promote equality between commonfolk, and deep down, I think he craves a partner to stand with him at that new dawn, or an equal who sees his vision for the future and will fight for it just as hard. Nobody believed in him when he was a kid, but if you put your faith in him, he'll return it tenfold. Some people don't like that he's calculating, or has to leave the player character at the end of the game to go back to his homeland, but both are necessary elements for his goals to change things. He will always come back, and everyone who bets against him and his love for his companions is wrong with a big fat W. #KhalidForMostDatablePrez"
"Claude is a fun little onion of facades. He calls himself the embodiment of distrust, he acts like he's carefree and without worries, an unscrupulous schemer--and so many in universe buy into that hook line and sinker. He's used to others viewing him with suspicion and uses it as armor to obscure his not-so-dark truth: that he cares immensely, that he values minimizing the loss of life, and that above all he has so much hope that people will fundamentally choose to do better given the choice.
His front guards a center that his conflict filled world would be happy to tear apart. As the child of people from two nations in constant conflict--one of which is explicitly isolationist and dehumanizes those outside its church's reach--he hasn't really had a place where he can be without his facade. As a child he thought he could run, but when confronted with the fact that this hatred existed no matter where he ran, he chose to instead try to create a more just and kind world.
His inability to let others in beyond his facade at first may lead to a sense of distance, but isn't it then all the more satisfying when you're allowed in? All he wants is a little trust, a little faith, and--like what he wants to give everyone--a chance to be better.
And like that you got a charming young lad with a fun personality that your grandma would be thrilled to have stay forever."
Milo propaganda:
“they were in the last contest sure but i feel like they could get farther. like they're literally a nonbinary grim reaper that's also an influencer and sure sometimes the influencer stuff can get kinda overwhelming i feel like it's very clear that they care about you and want to be around you. you guys go on a reaping date. their eyes and nail colour change based on their mood too and i think it's a really cute detail!! also SLIGHT SPOILERS but they even reference rocky horror in their special ending. they are perfect to me and i love them and i believe they deserve a second chance <3”
"Vote for Milo because they deserve it
They're literally so attractive
- They are a social media influencer
- They are obsessed with an adorable little kitty and will do everything in their power to make this cat the most beloved creature in existence
- They love makeovers and helping their friends rebrand (this includes working with Damien and the PC to help Jerry the Murderer rebrand so that they really has a brand identity)
- They are a grim reaper and even help the PC plan the PC's own funeral (special ending) and they give a great speech and it's super sweet
- They will sometimes take the PC on reaping jobs with them and shenanigans ensues
So in summation, vote for Milo because, as I repeat, they deserve it"
#claude von riegan#fire emblem#fire emblem: three houses#FE:3H#milo belladonna#Monster Prom#Monster Camp#Quarter-Finals#MDDC 2
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Filming people without their consent is a massive issue of not only privacy but ableism that's been going on for many years.
It started out with filming more visibly disabled people, like high support needs autistic people having meltdowns in public and (especially fat) disabled people literally just using mobility aids, but once that was deemed less acceptable it moved to other things. Filming people acting "weird" in public. Eating weird foods. Falling asleep in weird places. Wearing weird things. Stimming. You get the idea. It's no longer safe to be visibly weird in public and that's an issue for a lot of disabled people. I recently had to lay down on the floor of a department store because I had an ME crash while out shopping. Not only did I have to worry about the normal things like people coming up to ask me if I'm ok, I also had to worry about some video of me at my lowest point, when I'm suffering immensely, being shared around as "haha look at this weird bitch on the floor". It's upsetting. It's scary.
And then there's fakeclaiming. A fun trend where people will film us in public to "prove" there's some kind of huge epidemic of people faking disability. Spoiler alert: there is not. Most of the time the people they film are real disabled people who don't fit into the expected mold for disability, usually service dog teams or people who use mobility aids who don't "look sick". And you would think this trend would be some kind of abled nonsense, but it's not. It's often other disabled people doing the fakeclaiming. Yes, there are some times when it's obvious a service dog isn't trained properly, but other than that, it's damn near impossible to tell if someone is faking a disability, and you're much more likely to target a disabled person than a faker. I'd love to say this trend was new, but it's been going on since the days of "the people of walmart" where many of the people posted were fat mobility aid users, always with the assumption that they used it because they were too fat or lazy to move on their own. In fact, the image of a fat person in a mobility cart has become almost synonymous with "lazy". It's one of the things that drove me to get my own expensive power wheelchair, to avoid the judgmental stares in the grocery store when I was just trying to exist, to avoid the fear of public shame. Even now when I stand up from my chair to walk to the bathroom stall or reach something on a high shelf, I watch the corners of my vision for that telltale phone in the air. I feel like I'm never safe from the judgemental eye of the internet, even when I'm logged off, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way.
Tik Tok, YouTube, Instagram, these places are all great for disabled people, especially those of us without access to the outside world. But it's also become a source of great anxiety for anyone who's uncontrollably "weird", mostly disabled people. Leave us alone, I'm begging you, we just want to go to the fucking grocery store in peace and safety.
Tl;dr
Stop filming people for "acting weird" or "faking a disability" in public. It's ableist, it's invasive, it's creepy, and it's humiliating. People don't exist in public for your amusement and especially not disabled people. You don't know who is disabled and who isn't no matter how many disabled people you've known or how sure you are that the person is faking.
#actually disabled#madpunk#cripplepunk#spoonie#chronically ill#ableism tw#been meaning to write this up and the last post I rbed reminded me
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Make you feel my love.
Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Plus-Size! Oc (Spencer)
Warnings: the protagonist has serious problems with food. Eating disorders are not explicitly mentioned, but one could interpret that she has one.
Summary: Spencer is having some problems with the food. Charles realizes it and he asks about it, worrying about his girlfriend.
Tags: comfort, fluff, kissing, established relationship.
Notes: English is not my first language, I’m sorry if there are any mistakes, I tried my best. This fic is honestly more to comfort myself, but I wanted to publish it anyways in case it comforted anyone else. I hope you like it.
Words: 1.2k
Eating has never been something easy for her for the past few years. If she had other thing that it wasn’t a salad or something healthy, dark thoughts would fulfil her mind for the whole day, making the hate for herself grow more and more. And as it went like this, it came to the point in which she never thought that somebody would ever love her.
She hated her body. Being fat in our society was one of the worst things that had ever happened to her. And she was trying so hard to change this, but it felt as if she was just stuck with her weight. Regardless of how much she trained or how healthy she ate, nothing seemed to work.
That’s one of the few reasons why eating was difficult.
And she refused to tell her boyfriend this.
Charles Leclerc was the first person capable of making her feel loved. When she met him in one of the Ferrari’s meetings (she was one of the engineers), the girl never though that the Ferrari’s Golden Boy was going to fell in love with her. Not even in her best dreams that happened.
But here they were, with one year of relationship already and Spencer could say that it had been the happiest year of her life. Charles was one of the kindest souls that ever existed in the world, always such a gentleman. She couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.
It was not just the fact that he made her feel loved, but as well as all the details he had with her. Waking up and telling her that she looked beautiful, reassuring her that she was gorgeous when she felt awful, helping her to overcome her eating problems and her low stem. And even if she had to overcome all of that in her own, he was without any doubt, a great help.
However, in these moments in which she just wanted to stop eating and to go to the bathroom to repeat to herself how ugly she was and that she didn’t deserve that food at all, the girl had always been afraid of telling the boy that there was something wrong. Feeling a burden for her whole life, it was not an easy feeling to get rid of.
Nevertheless, she didn’t have to say anything. Charles could already feel that something was not quite right. His girl had not touched her food in the whole five minutes that they were eating, and she was just playing with her food, spacing out. He hated seeing her like this, knowing the kind of thoughts that were going through her mind.
“Everything okay, my love?” he decided to ask when he couldn’t hold anymore, the sight in front of him slowly breaking his heart. Spencer slightly flinched, her eyes widened a little, finally getting out of her own head. She was confused and lost at first, but when she saw the look of worry in her love’s eyes, she smiled.
“Yes, yes, everything okay Char.” she answered, and Charles frowned. He got up, walking in her direction. Grabbing one of the other chairs, he put it at the side of Spencer’s, sitting down. As soft as he could, as if she was a piece of glass that could broke at any moment, he cupped her cheeks with his hands slowly caressing them with his thumbs and angled her face to look at him.
“You know you don’t have to lie to me.” he mumbled softly. Spencer’s eyes became teary. What did she do to deserve him? Nothing. God, she loved this man.
“Just me and my little problems, love. Nothing to worry about.” Of course, that it was something to worry about, yet she didn’t want to admit it out-loud. The boy sighed and decided to take her by her hips and put the girl quickly in his lap, staring to stroke her thigh. She grunted in surprise, but didn’t complain, curling up in his chest.
“Your little problems are something to worry about, Spencer. Don’t say otherwise, stop making your problems seem less just because they are yours. Now tell me what’s wrong, please.” the girl hesitated a few seconds more until she finally broke down.
“Sometimes eating is something so difficult for me, Charles. I can’t even explain it, but it makes me feel so foolish. I can’t eat and if I do, I end up staying awake the whole night, thinking about how I didn’t deserve that food and how I shouldn’t even eat at all. It’s so exhausting sometimes, to not being able to do something so basic because of my own thoughts.” now, Charles was the one with tears in his eyes. Seeing the woman of his life like this, hating herself because of some stupid stereotypes that the grew up with, it broke him.
It wasn’t the first time that she talked about this, but every time she did, it took a part of the boy’s heart. He wanted to her to feel beautiful, to understand that food was not something that she needed to win, to help her to eat and reach the point in which she didn’t have to cry every time she ate something out of her diet.
“Sweetheart,” he mumbled, his voice wavering. She glanced at him, tears now running through her red cheeks and Charles immediately brought her to his chest, hugging her as strong as he could. There, she sobbed, letting her exhaustion and sadness out. “You don’t know how much it breaks me to see you like this. You don’t deserve it, my love, you are so beautiful, and I know that my words are not going to change much, but you are, chérie. I’ve never seen a prettier woman than you and I hate the fact that you can realize of your own beauty.” the girl seemed to be crying even harder after his words. Charles decided to tear them slowly apart, putting their foreheads together and kissing her cheeks, trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Food is not something you need to earn, Spencer. Food is something that you need to survive, food helps your body to function and there is nothing wrong with it. I know that it might see as if you ate a piece of chocolate, you might gain weight, but is not like that. Your body needs the food, amour, it doesn’t matter how your body is or if you didn’t go to the gym today or if you are not going tomorrow, you need to eat, love. I would never be capable of understanding you, yet I promise that I will do my best to help you with this. And stop thinking that you don’t deserve me, you deserve the world and I´m going to do my best to help you realize of that.”
Usually, words of comfort never really worked for Spencer. However, her boyfriend´s world made her feel calmer and better, knowing that he was right about everything he had said, even if she was having a hard time understanding this.
“Thank you, love. Seriously. I love you so much.” She whispered, giving him a soft kiss and Charles hummed, giving her a smile that showed his dimples when they separated. He softly moved a stray of her hair from her face, rubbing slowly with his thumb one of her cheeks.
“I love you too, Spencer and I forever will.” Even if he couldn’t know the future, he had known from the moment he met her that she was going to be the love of his life and he was planning on staying besides her until death tore them apart.
"I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love"
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ryan ross iceberg (tier 5)
tier 1, tier 2, tier 3, tier 4, tier 6, tier 7, tier 8
near end of the iceberg:
r.r. confessions twt account:
there used to be a ryan confessions account on twitter under this name, but it was deleted. however, people said the most unhinged shit on there and there was so much drama. i wish i could list specific examples, but i don’t have any unfortunately.
there is a new ryan ross confessions account here, but i think it was created after the last one ceased to exist [i]. this one also has some unhinged stuff on it, such as someone saying they used ryden theory for their gender studies class, and someone else claiming that ryan has a child on the way (they confirmed they were joking). also the person who claimed their friend hooked up with ryan in a bathroom or something like that.
there is just nothing going on in the ryan sphere so the stans are bored.
dank eyes:
this is the nickname for dan keyes because, when you look at his instagram handle dankeyes, it looks like dank eyes. in 2015/2016, this is how most of us referred to him. honestly, i still call him this most of the time out of habit.
light brown:
this is a…uh song? that shane morris (we’ll talk about him next) posted on his soundcloud in 2012 featuring ryan and danny fujikawa.
you can listen to it here for the lore:
shane morris:
buckle up for this one.
this is ryan’s former manager from about 2012-2016, and he was just an absolutely horrible person. the masterpost about all of his wrongdoings (which i will link of course) starts out with “tw: rape, self harm, abuse, pedophilia, body-shaming, sexism, swearing, talk of drug use, suicide, nazism, classism, generally dicky things,” if that doesn’t tell you how things are gonna go [ii].
there is so, so much that this could be an entire post itself, so i will give a tldr but link some posts for further reading. there’s a couple of things related to him that will also appear as their own entries, so i will save in depth discussion of those for later.
shane has a pretty extensive history of posting disgusting things on the internet: rape jokes, fat shaming, making fun of people who self harm, eating disorders, slurs, basically anything that is problematic. the post i’m going to link shows specific tweets and tumblr posts about this. he also has a history of bullying ryan’s fans, and the picture below is one of many examples of it.
so he was generally an abhorrent human being, but let me elaborate on some of the stuff specific to ryan. shane would often promise fans new music from ryan but never follow through with it, likely because ryan didn’t know he was doing this. he actually ended up leaking some of ryan’s songs, but we’ll touch on that again later, along with him impersonating ryan on both twitter and facebook. once he and ryan cut ties, shane also deleted ryan’s soundcloud, i guess in an attempt to “get back” at him and the fans by robbing us of music that was backed up anyway. he spread rumors that ryan is a drug addict and transphobic as well [iii].
the context that ryan is not really active on social media is so important here because he had no idea of a) the kind of person shane was and what terrible things he said on the internet, and b) the way he was attempting to sabotage ryan’s career.
don’t worry, shane is still at it with managing musicians and creating drama. he was travis scott’s former manager, and in 2021, he claimed that he helped travis fake all of his streams to launch his career [iv]. this could be true, but it’s shane so i always take everything he says with a grain of salt anyway. he posted the tiktok about it during the astroworld events, so it reads to me as an attempt to insert himself into the situation (which is so tone deaf for such an insane tragedy like) (and of course, i’m not a travis scott apologist either). i take it that he is still the same as he was 10 years ago.
like i said, there is so much more to cover about shane, but we still have more entries to go over in this tier. therefore, i will leave you with this link to the aforementioned masterpost:
and another link with some more information:
its for lovers or just friends:
i mentioned this in tier 4, but this is a quote from ryan’s last ever livejournal post from june 25, 2006:
“You don’t have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia.it's for lovers (orjustfriends)”
brie larson disneyland:
this refers to this picture of ryan at disney with brie larson.
i think it was from around 2017? they were hanging out because brie and alex greenwald used to date, and they were engaged before breaking up. there’s more pictures of them from this day in this twitter thread [v].
chelsey:
okay put your seatbelts back on cause this one is another entry that is a lot.
chelsey lynn is also known as the panic! stalker, and for good reason. she is a pretty terrible person and a lot of the reason that ryan and brendon don’t speak anymore. as discussed in an earlier tier, ryan and brendon did run into each other at a hooters and hang out, but around that same time, they tweeted each other occasionally, although they weren’t necessarily friends; however, the chelsey saga ultimately led to the complete ending of their friendship (which, granted, is not the worst thing in the world since brendon is also a pretty abhorrent person).
in 2012, chelsey started to catfish ryan pretending to brendon. she did this by hacking shane valdez’s (panic!’s former photographer and brendon’s former roommate) facebook account and messaging ryan under the guise of brendon. she told him she wanted to rekindle their friendship and was able to get ryan’s number, though she claims she got it from one of his friends, which is still weird. she catfished him for nine (9) months. she was able to coax all sorts of private and vulnerable information from ryan, such as the split, his relationship with z, his childhood, and more [vi].
once a fellow panic! fan and tumblr user got chelsey to confess, she went to shane morris about it, who thankfully actually took it seriously (even though shane has his own history of impersonating ryan, but we’ll talk about that later). due to the general public finding out about chelsey’s wrongdoings, she released an apology, but no fans really accepted it [vi].
chelsey did leak screenshots of her texts with ryan, which i won’t post here because i don’t think it’s appropriate, but you can find them if you feel so inclined. she also messaged someone on facebook stating that she has pictures of ryan she could leak, but she’s “nicer than that” [vii].
as i’m sure you can imagine, once ryan found out the truth, he was pretty upset. he made some instagram posts right after that were fairly sad.
the thing is, chelsey didn’t even like ryan that much; she was just obsessed with brendon and sarah. she stalked their families as well, and even had a spreadsheet of all of their information. she hacked several of their accounts too. she took photos from their private accounts and posted them on her tumblr, posing them as “rare” photos of brendon and sarah [vi].
the worst part of all of this? CHELSEY REMAINED ACTIVE IN THE FANDOM. she had a popular instagram account, called brendonurievines, and sarah followed it.
sarah ended up leaving a comment on instagram about it, in which she says there is nothing but love between them when they see each other…okay then. she also says she doesn’t follow her which is just a lie [viii].
chelsey has met brendon and zack hall multiple times, even as recently as when brendon was in kinky boots. she has deleted her instagram, but her youtube channel is still up. she hasn’t posted in 2 years, but even in 2020, she was posting videos of brendon and sarah.
lastly, she posted a statement on her instagram stories about it in 2018, taking no accountability.
so in conclusion, chelsey is a terrible person and one of the darkest sagas in ryan’s life. the way she catfished him during an already rough time in his life and gave him false hope that he could rekindle one of his oldest friendships was insanely gross. she shouldn’t be forgiven for this, and although she isn’t active anymore, we still shouldn’t forget what she’s done and continue to hold her accountable. here’s a post you can read to get more details than i put here:
gremlin:
a far more lighthearted entry than the last couple.
in 2015, ryan dressed as a gremlin for halloween. we’ll come back to this halloween party in the next tier.
zooey deschanel:
in around 2011, ryan and zooey were friends. they appeared on each other’s instagrams and tweeted back and forth some. the pics of them together are from vicky t’s christmas party in 2011.
the tragic love life of ryan ross:
this a series of tumblr posts by @pathetic-at-the-disco that chronicle ryan’s relationships. it starts from his high school girlfriend (who most of fever was written about), and it was originally supposed to end with helena, but they left off before moving on to z berg 5 years ago. it also discusses jac, keltie, katie, and his fling in cape town [ix].
they are fairly long posts because they contain a lot of detail, but i definitely recommend reading them because they’re really informative. definitely very well done and impressive. in fact, i sourced them a lot when talking about jac and keltie.
if you remember, in tier 2 i said i would link more info about his relationships with jac and keltie later in the iceberg. so here we are:
this is another post for further reading that corrects some things that were incorrect in the original post:
hung out with freshmen:
i cannot find the source for this anywhere, but in an interview, ryan said that when he was in his junior/senior year of high school, he hung out with freshmen.
tweets that aren’t his:
back to shane morris i fear.
in 2014, he hacked ryan’s twitter. i’ll talk about the specific tweets he made in the next tier. ryan did find out about the hacking and tweeted this.
all of the tweets are still up, and his twitter bio still says, “Nope. It wasn’t me.”
this is my coming out party:
in 2009, someone hacked ryan’s twitter and tweeted this, and it was absolutely iconic. i actually quote this frequently lmao
ryan ross struggles:
this is a twitter account, ryanrosstruggle (shoutout kiki), who posts struggles from ryan ross stans. struggle accounts basically just post unhinged or cringey tweets (or other posts) from people within the fandom. there are other kinds of posts they repost, but it’s really hard to describe, so you should just go to kiki’s twitter to see some of the things she tweets [x]. here’s a couple examples:
up next, we finish the actual iceberg before diving into the deeper waters.
tier 6
references:
[i] https://twitter.com/ryanrossconf?lang=en
[ii] https://astroe.tumblr.com/post/42733669382/shane-morris-and-why-everybody-hates-him
[iii] https://pathetic-at-the-disco.tumblr.com/post/172418363736/hey-can-you-elaborate-on-the-whole-shane-thing-i
[iv] https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/travis-scott-shane-morris/
[v] https://twitter.com/crossboydreamie/status/1569466922042802178?lang=en
[vi] https://pathetic-at-the-disco.tumblr.com/post/172832450316/the-time-that-ryan-ross-was-catfished-by-a-fan
[vii] https://dallonsmiles.tumblr.com/post/42837896821/here-are-a-few-screenshots-from-a-conversation
[viii] https://pathetic-at-the-disco.tumblr.com/post/172147291981/last-year-i-remeber-in-a-comment-sarah-left-on
[ix] https://pathetic-at-the-disco.tumblr.com/post/171140808026/the-tragic-love-life-of-ryan-ross-all-links
[x] https://twitter.com/ryanrosstruggle
#ryan ross#ryan patd#panic! at the disco#panic at the disco#patd#jon walker#brendon urie#spencer smith#the young veins#ryan ross iceberg
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@brbnightmares
it's especially bad with fiction and YA. It echoes the whiny complaints of how any depiction of a fat person is "glorifying obesity." I have definitely seen some anti-soc stuff represented in a way I don't like, but depicting it in a narrative is not an endorsement. I am not an anti content warning person at all, but people who call out for actual handholding in the narrative is ridiculous. very disappointing to see so many readers like this especially.
I'm gonna stop torturing people by reblogging my own post now, but I do want to liberate this stuff from the comments, so: Yes, you're absolutely right. Like considering the whole political history of gatekeeping around education and printed matter and everything, reading has become almost synonymous with personal liberation--I always think about John Waters saying, "If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck'em!" And yet we still get young people who seem to love to read and write, but they crave to be regulated and censored; is it some kind of submission kink? That might be the nicest thing I can think about it.
Tangentially: When I was a kid my intellectual hippie parents were EXTREMELY anxious about my horror obsession. They were concerned about the grimy content of what I was interested in, and they were also concerned about the brain-rotting powers of screen entertainment. But, they would let me read anything I wanted, I think because they understood that reading is a good thing pretty much no matter what, and probably they also couldn't stand to imagine themselves censoring the written word. The funny thing is that since the word is free from the expense and complication of building special effects and getting past the MPAA, I read WAY more fucked up shit in pulp paperbacks than I could ever have encountered in 99% of all movies. But of course, it didn't turn me against my own moral sense vis-a-vis the real world, nobody's pets started disappearing in our neighborhood after I began spending hours at the library. What I remember about the experience is feeling things, not to be so corny; like fear, loathing, existential dread, and ambivalence may not be desirable real-world experiences, but books that challenge you emotionally make you grow. They literally change your mind for the better, even the bad ones can. And now it feels like there's this thing going on where people don't want to be challenged, they see adversity and unease as something contaminating and unfair, like we're all entitled to a frictionless, idealized existence even in the nonsense world of social media. Which I think wouldn't even be good for you.
It feels like we've gone from the dubious thing of people coveting the valor that is supposedly conveyed by victimhood and oppression, to people literally just wanting to be babies, and to be treated like babies. And I don't know, not to like waaaaay over-hyperbolize everything, but people need to remember that the reason fascism takes root so quickly and easily is that being told what to do, what to read, what to think, and to have every possibility of your life dogmatically restricted--to have all of your personal responsibility taken away from you and placed in someone else's hands--can be incredibly comforting.
PS I worry about trigger warnings re: *gestures vaguely* all of this. I will tag for types of real-life trauma and violence that I don't think are fair to spontaneously foist on unsuspecting followers, BUT: I often think of a time when this popular true crime blogger answered an ask where the person was asking her to tag her posts for needles. And like, I'm pretty sure the context was that she had posted the famous x-ray of sadomasochistic child murderer Albert Fish's colon with like twenty pins jammed up it. So the blogger very judiciously responded with something like, you know, "I'm sorry to have bothered you, but I'm not going to tag images of pins and needles. My blog is de facto full of disturbing and violent content, and the items you are describing are things that you might encounter in ordinary, benign situations in real life. If your aversion to them is so powerful that you can't even look at them, then frankly, that's something you're going to have to deal with privately, and you might want to avoid this blog in general." I loved her for that.
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Personal Entry #2
I met with Artemis today, and it was great. The first thing is she asked me to meet her! Usually I’m the one randomly dropping in on her hunts for some quality twin bonding time, so this was quite the change of pace. Plus, we met up in the Daintree Rainforest, and that place is absolutely gorgeous. So already, we’re off to a great start.
Then, Artemis actually asked me to recite some poetry! I never thought I'd see the day. I haven’t written anything in a while (sue me, I’m detoxing after the trials) so I just stuck to my haikus from my time as a mortal. I don’t think she really appreciated the poems, but she sat through my retellings, which is more than I ever usually get from her, or anyone else in the family for that matter.
And then, and then, she asks me how the music industry is doing. At this point, she’s becoming a bit suspicious. I don’t think Artemis has shown this much interest in my arts since we were very small children. But never let it be said that I am not always willing to gossip about the newest songwriter scandal. There’s a reason the Muses and I can spend hours speaking in the Olympian gardens. So I got going about the newest hit single that totally wasn’t about the singer’s last ex, and didn’t even realize I was falling into my sister’s sneaky trap. You’d think after 4,000 years of having a twin I would recognize the scheming, but I guess my time away as a mortal has dulled my perception.
So about fifteen minutes into my tirade (I know, I know, I talk a lot, but I get carried away with music drama alright! The stories are so interesting!) Artemis interrupts and starts to steer the conversation somewhere else. Did all of this happen while you were mortal? She wonders. You would’ve been in Camp Jupiter around then, right? She mentions. Are you adjusting well back in Olympus? She straight up asks, apparently sick of me dodging and weaving around her attempts at subtlety.
And listen, I know my sister. I know she doesn’t like to just ask people what’s wrong, and I know she knows I would never answer that question anyways. Artemis and I differ in many ways, but we both have a strong aversion to that kind of vulnerability. So I know when she asks “Are you adjusting well” she means I’m worried about you. And I appreciate that, I really do! But I can’t deal with someone worrying about me right now.
My sister’s worry feels like someone peeking over my shoulder while I'm trying to complete a brain surgery (I’ve done this before, BAD IDEA) . She means well, but it’s just extra pressure. It makes part of me want to flee like a startled deer. And that’s what I ended up doing. I blurted out some lame response about being perfectly fine in Olympus and OMG I actually forgot I have a meeting with the Muses I need to get to so sorry about that bye! It was honestly embarrassing, and I know Artemis knows that I was being a big fat liar. I can never fool Artemis, she’s known me for far too long. The people who talk about the mortifying ordeal of being known all definitely have twins.
It was a mess. I’m a mess, and I hate the idea of my sister seeing that. She deserves better than my melodrama.
You know what, I’ll deal with it later. I need to talk to the Muses so that I’ll have at least a semi-believable alibi for Artemis. And maybe I can set up something to keep her away for a bit longer.
I know what you’re thinking, non-existent readers: Apollo how could you! She’s your twin! And I know, I know okay! But I just need some time to get myself together. Hopefully next time we speak, I can tell Artemis everything’s fine on Olympus and actually mean it.
#trials of apollo#toa apollo#lester papadopoulos#sunny speaks#dark!apollo au#au#personal entries#tbh this is probably the happiest entry we're gonna get#whoops#also they're getting longer!!! I have more inspiration as things are picking up in my brain#i'm excited :D
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Fix me - Part One
Summary: You reach out to the local "freak"/drug dealer for some kind of escape after your mom dies. Turns out he's the escape you needed.
Caution: tw death. Tiny bit of horror..
Notes: I used to write when I was in school, mostly horror. But watching ST and seeing Joseph Quinn got the writing juices flowing again. Please don't hate on my first post. Thanks! Hope you enjoy!
..... .....
"MOM!" I wake up, sweating, screaming for my mother. "Fuck! Another nightmare!", I tell myself as I barely awake. Suddenly, I'm startled by my older brother, Steve, as he bursts through my door. "Y/n, are you ok?" He says with a look of fear and some sadness in his eyes, "I heard you screaming for mom, again." He lowered his head as he comes and sits by you on your bed. "Yes, I'm ok." I lied. "It's just another one of those stupid, fucking nightmares." I lied more. "This has to stop y/n, you need to talk to someone about these nightmares." He tells me with a deepened sadness in his voice. "I'm worried about you." Instantly, I can feel a fire start to burn up inside me when I hear him. I hate when anyone tells me to "talk to someone". No one knows what I've been through. No one. "GOD! Steve," you scoff at him, "you know what, I am fine!" My voice makes my brother tear up. He really does care about me, and just wants me to get better; but who am I supposed to talk to? Who would understand? "I'm sorry, sis," he says, trying to fight back tears. "You're just...not you anymore."
Its been 6 months since mom died. Cancer. Its like we never saw it coming. She went in for her normally yearly OBGYN visit, and came out with fucking cancer. She was fine. She was the healthiest person I knew. She was...my best friend. I told her everything. She told me everything. I trusted mom with everything.
....................................
Ever since she passed. I would have this reoccurring nightmare of her laying in her hospital bed with me sitting by her. She looked healthy. Her skin was pink and warm. Cheeks were full, eyes sparkled, and her smiled beamed at me. We were laughing. Then, the room grows dark, and I look up to the lights on the ceiling dimming in and out. When I look back at mom, she's crying, coughing, and laying as if in pain. I watch as the fat and muscle seemingly suck from her body, exposing her rib cage, collarbones, and her cheek bones look sharp now. "Mom!" I exclaim. "Mom! Whats wrong?" She won't answer me. "Mommy! ANSWER ME!" screaming from the top of my lungs. I run out of the room for a nurse, or doctor, or anyone. No one is there. The walls are not the same walls. Where once bright white clean walls stood, are now molded walls with paint chipping, like this hospital has been abandoned for years. I run back into mom's room. "Mom, there isn't anyone here! Whats going on! Mom!" As I look at her, she wasn't there anymore. Just a blank stare in a sunken, dead face. Once warm, pink skin was now grey and ice cold. Her mouth lay open and dry. I reach in closer to her to feel her heart, because there's absolutely no way she could be dead. As I touch her chest, she starts cracking and turning to ashes in the bed. "MOM!" Then, I always wake up. Never further than that. Never less. I always make it to that part, and it scares me awake every time. Every. Single. Time.
I was practically a ghost since mom died. I barely ate, sleeping was a hit or miss, and my once large friend group, almost non-existent. Not because of them, they would reach out and I would just blow them off. Eventually, I was out of their reach. They still smile at me and say "Hi" in the halls at school but, I wouldn't respond. The only one still adamant on staying my friend was Robin. I think because I won't interrupt her insistent rambling about band, or the girl she's currently crushing, or work. Honestly, I tune her out most of the time. Teachers gave up on me, too. I hardly show up for class anymore, and when I do, I find something to focus on and tune them out. If I could pop my headphones on and listen to anything other than my teacher without getting into trouble, I would. I... am a ghost now.
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tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long
ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school
also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.
i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.
ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.
(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)
as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)
ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.
which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought.
like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.
i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.
idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.
so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.
Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.
#i went out of my way to figure out how to disable reblogs for this post instead of just trying to make it look unappealing to reblog#so that should tell you something#txt
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2/14/24 Recap Part One
Good morning, my beautiful, wonderful chickadees, I’m back! We’re all back! We’ve missed some things, haven’t we? Unfortunately all my old recaps are gone, but don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson and now am writing all of them in Google Docs, which means that Paige can delete the entire sub, she can delete videos I’m writing about, but I will always, always have receipts, and I will continue to pop up, like a very persistent little fungus.
Anyway, I refuse to recap Paige being incoherent in the Bahamas as a birthday gift to her, and as soon as I finished this of course Paige posted another vlog, but let’s start with last week’s vlog and work our way into this week’s, shall we?
A “florida for the winter” vlog
I don’t know “why” this title “needed” “quotations”
Nine seconds in, and 1.75 fonts. It’s all one font technically, but she changes the color and if it’s italic or not three times.
Paige is hosting dinner. Paige is wearing all black in Florida because she’s “a cold person”. I think what she means is that she’s always freezing due to a lack of body fat, but I would accept that she’s also kind of cold emotionally speaking. That seems like an accurate statement as well.
Paige complains about getting a blowout because she “never feels like herself” when she gets her hair done like that, which begs the question why she pays money to get her hair done like that. Also I find it funny that as Paige says, “when my hair looks good it just doesn’t feel right”
We’ve seen your $20 Amazon extensions, Paige, we know.
Paige makes sure to let us all know she’s sending PR slippers from Rao’s tomato sauce, because heaven forbid we don’t know she gets free things in the mail as a very important influencer.
Paige makes dinner for Tommy’s - sorry, their friends. (You can tell it’s actually Tommy’s friends because it’s all guys, they refuse to acknowledge Paige or her camera, and several of them aren’t white.) Dinner is the world’s most basic cheese board, spicy rigatoni, grilled meats, and a salad, because our girl is a one trick pony. Oh, and her single dessert (banana pudding) afterwards.
The dressing recipe takes us up to 2.75 fonts and it’s just multiple types of mustard and multiple types of vinegar.
We also get to see a new DB glassware sample and it looks so weird? It’s shaped like an upside down coke bottle, but it has mason jar threading? This makes no sense
Look, okay, hi. I’ve looked into Paige’s demographic and I know that she could release a literal dog turd but put a white hydrangea next to it and her 2,000 die-hard sorority girl fan squad would buy it and they don’t care. I understand that none of these girls whose frontal lobes have not fully developed grew up watching Antiques Roadshow with their mom. But I did and I am bothered because glassware is made into certain shapes for REASONS, design elements like threading for a lid exist for REASONS, also I can tell just by the weight and clarity of it that glass is probably mostly plastic and it would feel wrong if you clicked your nails against it. Again, I understand, I’m not the target demographic. I know no one else cares, this is a nitpick, blah blah blah. But between you and me, as someone who gets very into nerdy minutiae about material design and history, I’m bothered. Had to just throw that out there.
IT HAS LIKE A RUBBERIZED LID WITH A PLASTIC STRAW IN IT BUT THEN WHY DOES IT HAVE THE THREADING THAT LOOKS SO WEIRD AAAAAAAAAAAAH
If you’re also weird about this stuff you can DM me and we can read Bill Bryson’s At Home together and discuss this in further neurodivergent niche interest detail
After dinner is over and everyone’s gone Paige and Tommy pretend that they’re cute and into each other but as always just come across as middle schoolers trying to prove that they’re very cool and like the opposite gender now
Okay I’m calling it, it’s the same font but now it’s in yet ANOTHER color and italicized so we’re officially up to 3 fonts now. 2.99 fonts? 3 fonts.
The next day, Paige “works” (puts on her AirPod Maxes and does Woman Laughing At Salad at her screen on what we’re led to believe are business calls) and then blathers on about all her brand deals. Two things about this. One: her face is so disconcertingly shiny. Like she looks like an overly waxed cafeteria apple, or like if you touched her face it would make the new sneakers on a gym floor squeak. Why is she so shiny? Second of all, maybe because I don’t follow influencers, but I have never found an influencer who talks so much and so inorganically about their brand deals. Paige never misses an opportunity to be like, hello, I have a BRAND DEAL, did I mention there’s an upcoming BRAND DEAL, soon I’m going to have a BRAND DEAL and yet somehow never legally discloses ads in a very Mikayla Nogueira fashion. The result is both technically illegal and yet deeply inauthentic feeling so it’s like not even worth the FEC violation. My memory is faulty because I simply do not care, but considering how bad Paige is at doing the one thing she’s supposed to do, it doesn’t exactly surprise me that I think the only people Paige has worked with repeatedly over a long span of time are brands that will work with literally anyone (Mejuri, Intermissi, Revolve), Revlon makeup, Frankie’s bikinis, PJ Place, and maaaaaaybe Butcher Box and Thrive Market? Speaking of -
Not legally disclosed Thrive Market sponsorship! Paige eats three entire chips with salsa to prove she’s a girl’s girl who totally eats normal amounts. Paige claims she needs to subscribe to this company to get her Poppi fix in the boonies of “not being outside a major city” in Florida but Poppi had an ad during the Super Bowl and is in my local Shaw’s (that’s New England’s big basic regional grocery store chain, like equivalent to a Roche Brothers or Market Basket or Kroegers or whatever) AND Whole Foods, so that doesn’t strike me as… correct.
Tommy decides he wants stir fry so they go to Whole Foods and Paige makes “Asian-inspired peanut sauce stir fry”, I assume to bait me into screaming at her. [NOTE: there used to be now-deleted rant about Asian cooking that I have edited out in post production because Tumblr says it makes this text block too long and lol who cares] I don’t like being this person because the idea of “authentic” cuisine is bullshit and gatekeeping, and so if you, a normal-ass person, like your Americanized Paige style stir-fry, you can keep your Americanized Paige style stir-fry. But if you’re cosplaying as a food influencer and great chef and claiming to make the food of another culture, it’s just basic respect to actually try and understand what the fuck you’re doing and make clear to your audience where you’re adding your own twists.
Love to play my favorite game, Guess Why Paige’s Followers Are 99.99% White Sorority Girls/Former Sorority Girls Challenge
Paige doesn’t vlog for a fascinating day of filming ads and watching Tommy fish (oh no!!!) and then lays out in the sun and philosophizes on how zen and calm she is in Florida because of the weather and because Tommy’s a “super grounding person”. As she says this Tommy screams and hits her with the hose and she adds in font number four “So grounding <3”. Before Paige and Tommy go to the beach for him to surf and her to film people without consent on her drone, she rhapsodizes about citrus season and how oranges are better than candy.
“It’s eighty degrees at the beach and I’m wearing a sweatshirt. I’m probably the only girl in Florida to do this. I don’t know if you can relate to this but if there’s a slight breeze, the hoodie’s going on” - Yeah weird it’s almost like what happens when you don’t eat enough or have a proper amount of fat on your body????? You’re cold??? Even when you shouldn’t be??? Like that’s not a cute little girly thing it’s a symptom you need to be eating more???? ANYWAY.
Paige pretends to care about manatees and them getting hurt by boats but I would also bet she and Tommy go on the exact type of boats that hurt manatees all the time.
Paige body checks herself in a Free People Movement outfit (undisclosed PR from Australia!) and then they play tennis and eat… Mashed potatoes and gravy? Sure.
New font in the end credits (yellow on a puke-y olive background) which brings this video’s font count up to five.
[EDITOR'S NOTE - the second vlog I recapped is in part two, there's a character limit.]
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hi bub 🎀 how are u? sorry i'm kinda late on replying, i suck at that at times.
i'm glad to hear u had a nice dinner ! was the food pretty good? strawberry milkshakes are always the best 😌♡ but ahhh ! u got wootteo 🥺 i know he's just going to be the cutest in person, happy it worked out (sometimes impulsive buys are the best buys yk 🤷🏽)
oh wow ! i didn't know u were bilingual, that's so cool ! but aw i'm sure u did just fine darling 💓💓 u did ur best n that's okay (and i'm sure waitress didn't even notice or remember even after a second) *hugs* .. tho i do understand ur feelings completely. it can be nerve racking on speaking an entire different language (no matter which way). plus i'm sure the pressure of getting it grammatically correct or the right pronunciation is pretty sucky :/
aw honey i think ur putting too much pressure on urself :( i know it's hard to accept thais in an author's prospective .. but ur human and u can't be 100% all the time yk? i think we all have a "burn out" every blue moon .. and i think that's when we all subconsciously know we're in need of a break or change ur scenery. it' okay 💕 ur pace is ur pace and that's okay. take all the time u need. and you'd never let us or anyone down by setting boundaries or simply saying "no". i promise. ur feelings matter always and deserved to be respected. no worries love :)
aw ur too sweet, ty 💕 i'll keep that in mind and of course vice versa always, jus lmk 💕💕😌 but honestly.. i don't even know what's going on? it's kind of hard to explain but basically i'm on my healing journey rn and learning to embrace having "peace" and i've been doing so well but idk.. these past few weeks .. it's been getting a little hard these past few weeks to embrace it. idk why but it's just .. i've been feeling so sad and lonely and bored ig? and it's like.. i've made so so much progress with my mindset, mental health, confidence, and overall .. and let's just say i was in a veeeeeery dark place lol .. i just don't want to relapse back into who was u know? but at the same time i feel like i'm in a "toxic positivity" state rn and it's just sigh* idk.. it's a lot lmao (as always sorry for the overshare omg 😭 )
- 🎀
i’m good!! you’re okay my love <3 i’m really bad at replying to text messages from people in real life
the food was really good, i don’t think i’ve ever had macaroni bites before but i tried them and it was pretty good. i agree!! strawberry milkshake is the best, i think they made it with ice cream as well
ahh wootteo slept on my pillow above me last night, his head is really fat but he’s a cutie so it’s okay 🧍♀️
oo another secret fact about me has been revealed, idk if i’d personally count it as bilingual just because i’m far from fluent but i’ve been learning for a while so i guess i know enough to get around 🥲 i think chinese grammar is easier than korean somehow but maybe that’s because i’ve been learning chinese longer?? idk languages make me wanna pull my hair out 🧍♀️and my teacher was.. firm in school so maybe that’s where my language anxiety stems from 🧍♀️
i think so too 🥲 i think since taking my gap year, i don’t wanna feel like i’m just wasting my life away when this time was meant to be time i took out for myself because the last couple of years of school killed me. now that i know i’ve gotten into university, i really have nothing else to do. like i’ve done my portfolio, done the application, signed up for everything i need for now, so i’m simply existing trying not to feel like i’m doing nothing with my life before i become a slave to the education system again
ahh i still feel bad, but i guess not much can be done about it, and i can only be grateful that so many people are this understanding!! i think for now i’m probably just gonna start the rewritten version of dtik, since it’s an easy project and takes minimal brain power and then i’ll get back to whatever i have in my inbox when i feel like it
i get that!! i was going so well after graduating considering where i was during the last couple of years and then slowly it all just went downhill 😭 and there was times a night where i just felt so lonely?? and so so so out of it, like i didn’t wanna be awake but i didn’t want to sleep it was a really funky feeling?
anyways, i’m always here if you ever wanna chat 🫶 and just know that i’m really proud of you! and you’re doing so well, and remember you’re super cool and take care of yourself 🫡
(shhh dw about it 💕)
MWAH 💕🫂
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I might try a breast reduction again first before committing to top surgery. I'm scared about not knowing what I want and having spent the last 20 years with boobs I'm afraid of change, including what living without dysphoria would feel like apparently. I don't think I feel this kind of dysphoria when they're small though. I feel like the risks and process of surgery are a lot to go through potentially two more times instead of just once more but I have the opportunity to get a breast reduction this summer and up to 50% can be removed and there's a small chance that will make me feel good. There's a bigger chance I won't be satisfied but top surgery will still be an option. My previous reduction was minorly invasive, the worst part was the drains but once they came out recovery was easy. My kid had a much harder time with his top surgery and I feel like it's bc they're not touching my *body* really, they're just sucking out some fat hanging off me. I'm probably going into this too nonchalantly and I will arrange to stay with my parents for the recovery anyway just in case probably, but especially in light of another recent event where I am sure I am not a mentally sound adult who should not be making big decisions, I feel like top surgery falls under a big decision and I need to wait this out and talk to people whereas a breast reduction is a surgery sure and there's risks involved, but it's not irreversible or life changing. I'll still have boobs. And they'll def grow back next time I gain weight. I hate my chest but I like when other people like my chest and so idk... idk. Since I'm gonna sell my house I'll have money for both so why not give another reduction a try. I am honestly terrified of potentially making a huge medical decision during an episode where I've been in crisis for a very long time and I'm so sick of coming out of dissociative episodes being like what the fuck have I done
I'll do the reduction cuz there's no way future me wil be upset about that, unless I have massive complications idk. I'm somewhat worried about my nipples but if they get fucked up I can yeet them in top surgery and get tattoos. There's a real possibility if I got top surgery this year and then it turns out I've been dissociating or this suicidal crisis has compromised my faculties which I know they are already, that I will absolutely lose it and probably sign away my legal and medical autonomy because I can't deal with the things I do whenever I get some money and I've been upset. I probably shouldn't even give myself access to the money I get from selling my house. I have really damaged my own trust in myself because I have such severe dissociation and I wish so hard I could tolerate psychiatrists because I want to see if I have a diagnosable dissociative disorder, outside of the dissociation associated with bpd and ptsd. But no psychiatrist I've tried to meet with will give me the time to tell my story or share my concerns. They only see my existing diagnoses in the referral and tell me that's why I dissociate and shut down the conversation. But I have so much info from my early childhood, from before the ptsd, from before my personality had formed, that I really truly think I've had a dissociative disorder my whole life and my trauma therapist in my 20s thought so too, and he was a gd specialist in trauma and psychosis. But. I'm not willing to put myself in the way of further gaslighting and humiliation so that's not something I'm willing to pursue and I'll always just be like, why is my brain so fucked up? I've never heard of anyone else with ptsd or bpd having episodes like the ones I have. But I guess I'll never find out for sure, so.
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i hate, HATE, the eating disorder paradigm that has been created. “skinny cindy doesnt eat a bite of food, shes full of water, black coffee and the occasional bite of celery. she breezes past everyones worried looks”;kindly fuck off. because thats just not what an eating disorder is to me. i present to you my case. i binged and binged and gained myself about twenty five kilograms. then i starved and starved and lost myself forty kgs. then i binged and binged and gained myself about thirty kilograms. and since ive been on opposite ends of the spectrum, heres how it goes: a fat person that has an eating disorder is just a fat person trying to lose weight-no one gives it the time of day. and a skinny person with an eating disorder is someone with a complex and who is trying to maintain their figure. no one cares until youre skin and bones. because thats what eating disorders are (or weird complexes regarding food to people that think eds do not exist) to most people and its fucking infuriating. eating too much isnt right, and eating too little isnt right, but either way well always be shamed for both. and as someone with a weird wire in my brain that tells me to either starve for a couple of years or eat the whole fridge for another year with no in between, it kind of messes with your head. because to have such extreme weight fluctuations where youre losing and gaining half your body weight every once in a while,, youre getting daily comments about your shape. its either “oh youre so tiny” comments that egg you on, or “youre disgusting” comments that also egg you on. just keep your comments to yourself, our bodies are already bending back and forth a million times a day in an attempt to accommodate our sick minds. it hurts to look in the mirror so just shut the fuck up.
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Iam wanting to write a story about a girl who has asthma, a learning disability and is considered by society to be less than average. She is also a little over weight. When she has been given immortality other immortals shun her and want her dead. To escape from this she goes to a martial arts temple in China. She is also an American. I was wondering how I could incorporate both cultures in my story?
Overweight Chinese American girl with asthma & learning disability, martial arts, & China
Disclaimer: I’ve written this response assuming that the main character herself is Chinese or Chinese-American.
Some stuff I’d like to discuss point-by-point:
Being an Asthmatic
Asthmatics don’t exactly have the best representation in media, so I’m worried about a non-Asthmatic writing a story where the main conflict is centered around the MC’s method of coping with ableism.
Especially considering how we’re portrayed as stereotypical nerds/geeks for not being absolute athletes (haha maybe because pushing ourselves that far will literally result in an asthma attack-)
I have a feeling that in addition to the point where Chinese people are already stereotyped as nerds, having her be asthmatic as well does mean you’ll have to be more careful in how you present her. We already have the whole “model minority, East Asian = nerd” thing going for us.
Being “overweight”
America’s definition of “overweight” looks different for all kinds of people!
Someone who’s statistically considered “overweight” by American standards might pass as being “average” (in American standards once again) and vice-versa! The existence of the word actually insinuates the existence of an ideal weight-- pretty fatphobic.
If you mean to say that she’s fat, chubby, and/or plump, then do so. Don’t dance around the term just because it’s deemed ‘undesirable’ by our Eurocentric beauty standards.
(Additionally, being chubby is associated with the nerd trope as well. More to watch out when developing her character.)
Mod Rune mentions the specific way you’ve phrased how as a result of her being overweight and asthmatic, she’s “considered by society to be less than average” and she’s shunned/wanted dead specifically for these two reasons.
Being disabled =/= incompetency or being less than an abled person. Once again, an OwnVoices situation would make sense; However I would still worry about infantilizing Asthmatic/chubby people this way.
The plot… oof.
I’m worried that your method of combating the already-delicate conflict (that she’s looking for a way to cope with her feelings of inadequacy induced by ableism/fatphobia), is pretty insulting. You specifically word her trip to China as an “escape” which I feel could have a much better reason-- your excuse as is sounds to lead into a story of “refinding myself at the home of my birth culture” or something like that- especially with the fact that she’ll be doing this at a martial arts temple. A very cultural aspect of China.
Martial Arts?
That being said; Even though a Chinese martial artist does feel rather stereotypical, it does help with asthma (source: me and Taekwondo)
Specifically, according to this study from NCBI on the correlation between asthmatic children and Taichichuan, results have shown that “12 weeks of Tai-Chi-Chuan could improve the pulmonary function, decrease airway inflammation, and improve quality of life in children with mild asthma”.
However Northern Shaolin, Hung Ga, Wing Chun, and other Chinese forms of martial arts could work as well! Please do research on the specific techniques and differentiate between them. Appropriating Chinese martial arts on top of the fact that it’s already rather tropey- very bad.
A different plot?
Perhaps don’t send her off to China to quote, "escape from how other [immortals shun her and want her dead]".
I think a better motivation for this change in landscape would be “She wanted to train to get stronger and improve her health with how it was negatively impacted because of her asthma.”
The thing with a lot of disabled people is that-- we don’t want to have to “keep up” with abled people. We don’t want to need to take all these extra measures just to be able to function ‘normally’ (or at least the one defined by society). I feel that the motives in your original plot panders to that idea that she must get stronger or else she’ll never be accepted by the other immortals. A Chinese-American asthmatic myself, I’d much rather see her self-worth measured through her own growth as an individual than how well she ‘fits in’ with non-asthmatics.
Marika mentions that people also often do martial arts for culturally-relevant exercise-- so this could also be a way for her to reconnect with her birth culture.
Sophia also mentions that being overweight has little on one’s skills as a martial artist; So it shouldn’t be used as an argument as to why someone shouldn’t be taking on a certain expertise. (Seconded, as someone who did kendo: some of the better kendoka were overweight and had more precision than I did --Jess)
Incorporating TCK Culture:
Look for stuff written by actual Chinese-American third-culture kids!
Every little part of life- from the stories parents tell their kids before bed to the kind of food we eat daily- is 100% influenced by both our caregivers and the community we live in. For me personally, we’d have hotpot dinners with other Asian families during the Lunar New Year and I’d typically be sent to Chinese school on Sundays as well.
Mods Jess and Lesya touch up on some TCK elements in this ask as well! (Wanting to Learn More About Culture Because of Chinese Name) However your MC celebrates her cultures will also depend on how assimilated into America her family is.
Like I said earlier: look for materials that Chinese-American TCKs and immigrants have written! There’s no better way to learn about certain customs than getting them from the actual source.
My ending thoughts!
These are honestly traits that I’d love to see more, as an asthmatic Chinese-American myself who has done martial arts in the past, haha.
Be extra careful when a ton of your character’s traits are found in East Asian (Chinese) caricatures! Be sure to flesh her out as a three-dimensional character as this description that you’ve given us (regarding her conflict) makes me go >.>-- I don’t like it as is.
Give her motivations for herself that aren’t purely to conform to others (per the submissive Asian girl trope). Having a bullied Asian girl does feel like it plays into this, so please don’t have her measure her worth as an individual based off of the standards set by abled people!
Do tons of research on Chinese martial arts! Marika mentions huge points below that I want you to consider when giving her a specific speciality-- just saying “a martial arts temple” doesn’t cut it.
(As always, any reader feedback/additions would be appreciated!)
~ Mod Emme
These are my thoughts as someone who has practiced various styles of Chinese martial arts.
While the quality of the instructor and the student’s efforts are crucial, I think you need to be clear on the following:
The style of martial arts your character will be doing
Their physical limitations
The type of learning disability they have.
Different fighting styles suit the limitations of different body types in different ways
A person who is overweight may find styles with explosive movements that put weight on vulnerable joints like the knees to be painful. Styles that favor stable stances may be more feasible than those that emphasize movements with lots of air time, crouching and jumping.
A person who is inflexible will need a style that encourages them to keep limber to avoid getting hurt.
A person with diminished lung capacity will need a style that safely challenges their endurance.
Different learning disabilities might make certain styles more or less difficult to learn
ADHD may favor fast fighting styles with complex move sets and a wide variety of weapons.
Issues associated with memory retention may make styles that emphasize sparring easier than those that focus on memorizing forms
Make no mistake, the culture of a style will be as much of a consideration for your character as the Chinese and American cultural influences. Do your research, and inquire with practitioners as to what styles would work well for your characters.
The tumblr blog How to Fight Write would likely be a good resource on the physical logistics of different styles.
- Marika
#midnightreigns21#China#Chinese#Martial arts#Chinese women#Asthmatic#asthma#fat#TCK#Chinese culture#Chinese martial arts#learning disability#ableism#third culture#third culture kid#Chinese stereotypes#Culture#resources#martial artist#identity#identity issues#asks
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FFA MUSINGS
I was 17 when I learned the terms "feeder" "feedee" and "feederism" from stumbling across one of those trash documentaries about the kink. Apparently, my sexuality revolved around extremes and predators: creepy straight men coercing naive women into transforming their bodies and their lives - the women didn't particularly seem to be getting off on it or even have much agency in the whole thing. The men were awful. (Sometimes, these days, I look back and wonder how much all the negatives of what I saw were exaggerated by the editing…)
That was my lightbulb moment, where I discovered the label for something very personal and private that I'd had all my life but always felt confused and ashamed about. I now also had the pleasure of feeling extra disgusting and very alone, having been shown what horrible company I was in, and that I now knew I was a feeder, but apparently all feeders were men.
Any furtive investigations online (in the reasonably early days of the internet) seem to confirm this suspicion: female feeders were not A Thing, there might possibly be one or two others out there at best. Male gainers only seemed to exist in their own niche in gay subculture, and although I was happy they were out there somewhere living their best lives, they were obviously Not For Me.
I was 34 when after years of pushing it all to the back of my mind, I finally gave in. I've been with the same (non-feedist) partner since my early 20s, so I just assumed that I'd never be able to explore it irl anyway, and that was that. I can't remember what happened or why I decided that I had to try to find some others to connect with, even just to chat with, but in the end (with my partner's blessing) I found and joined Feabie (of which I have many opinions but I'll leave those for another time…) and interacted with other feedists online for the first time in my life.
Guess what: straight male feedees exist. They exist, and there's fucking loads of them!! Tons of the buggers in my inbox all day every day for weeks. Pretty heady experience going from outcast freak to Much Sought After Item - apparently female feeders really are quite rare, or we don't have much of an online presence (or most of us are lurking in a secret lair somewhere that the others haven't invited me to, rude….) or they're also out there somewhere thinking they're the only one.
The unbridled glee of feeling popular and desirable for being something I'd always felt ashamed of did wear off a teensy bit after the endless onslaught of "hey" "hi" "how u" "ayy babygurl" "I'm looking for a feeder please accommodate all my kinks even though I'm a total stranger and I clearly don't give a shit about you as a human being" "You're a woman on the internet I'm entitled to your attention don't be difficult what's your problem" and my current favourite, the bizarrely ominous "Can I ask ur opinion?" (The answer is no my friend, if I wanted to be spammed with anonymous torso pics that I'm meant to manufacture comments about that you can get off to I'd have asked YOU.)
But. I'm still completely overjoyed that male feedees exist, that I've spoken to so many cool and interesting and lovely guys, that I've had experiences I'd always assumed I wouldn't, that I FINALLY MET OTHER FFAs and they are awesome and now I'm close friends with one and it's freaking GREAT. All of this has also lead my partner and I to discover polyamory and now I'm in love with two people who love me back NOBODY EVER SAID YOU WERE ALLOWED TO DO THAT WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME
There are so many nuances and preferences I'd never considered. I knew what I liked and that's what I sought out in terms of porn and that was that. Actually talking to feedees and learning about the whole spectrum of things they each did or didn't enjoy or want to participate in was a revelation, and also helped me clarify my own preferences myself.
There are still things I've yet to come to terms with or decide how to feel about. The main things I'd always felt guilty or ashamed of were less to do with fat or fat guys, it was the feeding itself.
Where being an FFA is concerned - I like to think that if I'd ever been lucky enough to have a fat boyfriend when I was younger, I wouldn't have been shallow enough to care what anyone else thought. It's possible I'm giving my younger self too much credit; I know for certain that some people in my life would have made nasty comments, I was also hugely insecure myself, and I have no idea what it really would have been like. I have no doubt that living all my life in a fatphobic society has affected me in more ways than I'm even aware of (same as everyone else in some way, I'm guessing....). I think any uneasiness I felt there was less worrying about shallow friends or family members, and more how to find potential fat partners without offending them. I have always been conscious of the fact that the majority of fat people would very likely be horrified to be thought of and objectified through the lens of this fetish. You never know what someone's relationship to their own body is, but it's safe to bet that it's a more complex one than it seems, and also, unless you're expressly invited into that relationship by that person, it's none of your fucking business.
But anyway, the main reason I never had many hangups about it was that I don't think I even *was* attracted to fat people when I was young - sometimes I'm not sure I was even attracted to anyone. I had crushes on boys all the time, but I never thought of anyone sexually. My teenage fantasies were pure belly kink: stuffing, chugging, bloating, inflation, any kind of ridiculous fantasy belly expansion - the actual fattening aspect of feeding was less a part of it, and fancying fat dudes was never connected to it. By the time I'd begun to join the dots and wonder if I liked fat boys, I'd started to happen across media that portrays the worst of Feedism, and since I liked sadistic fucked up stuff and already felt ashamed of it, all of that just confirmed to me that I was right to hate myself. Even now, when I'm exposed to much more conversation about this kink than I ever used to be, I notice a lot of love for soft feedism, wholesome fatness appreciation, body positivity, romance (all of which I absolutely love, don't get me wrong) and I still sometimes feel Iike I'm being left out of the party. Keeping my fingers crossed for more consensual femdom-feedism love (and content, ugh…)
But… what would have happened if I hadn't gotten the fuck over myself and put myself out there, tried to find others? How many other young people see themselves portrayed horribly in the media and hide parts of themselves FROM THEMSELVES forever? What happens next? I've apparently found the one person who likes all the same twisted things I do, but actually getting to see him irl ever or do any of the things we want to do seems impossible, and not just because of Covid.
This fetish is lonely for most of us I think, in some way or another. There aren't many feedists, there don't seem to be as many female feeders or male feedees, there probably aren't many people who will share the same preferences within the fetish that you do, and frankly when you filter out the people who aren't crazy or creepy or don't know how to hold a conversation, the pool shrinks even further. I've seen plenty of posts bemoaning how hard it is to find someone, but seriously, having spent most of my life in a vacuum where this stuff is concerned, I'm still buzzing from having engaged with the small handful of people I've engaged with, even just to chat to.
What I want to say to my younger self is: you're a good person. You're just a kinky bitch, that's all.
I feel like this description probably applies to all the best people, I can live with that.
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