Pay it no mind
Part XIX
In which reader confesses their feelings to Gojo, but it seems these are not returned (maybe?).
Warnings: reader is on the receiving end of rejection (kinda), and the fact that I'm obsessed with unrequited love is a warning itself.
Previous: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part IV, Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII, Part XVIII
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“So that’s what the old man wanted,” Satoru said as he took the lollipop out of his mouth and held it before his eyes. “Did you accept?”
Gojo had been hanging out with you in the teacher’s room when you were called for a meeting with principal Yaga and principal Gakuganji, who had come to visit the Tokyo school.
You shook your head in silence.
“He said I should think about it and give him my response before he leaves in two days.” You leaned against the wall just as Satoru was doing.
He had an amused smile on his face. “What is it now? He gets bored he goes talent hunting for Kyoto?”
You and Satoru had both been teaching at the Tokyo school for little over a year, and during that time, Yaga had told you once or twice that you could teach at Kyoto if you wanted to, they were sort of understaffed there as of lately and it would be a good opportunity, and you had always refused him, but when the offer came from Gakuganji himself, why had you not said anything immediately?
“So, are you going to think about it?" Satoru’s voice interrupted your thoughts, just as the image of him would always interrupt them whenever you had thought of leaving, of taking a different path.
In your early twenties, there were still many paths you could take, but you knew the same did not hold true for Satoru. You could be offered a position in Kyoto or assigned anywhere else, but Satoru could never leave Tokyo for the long-term, he was needed there more than anywhere.
“Do you think I should?” you asked him.
As much as Satoru wanted to say he would support any decision you made, he did not really like the idea of you moving to a different city. Even if Kyoto was not awfully far away, it would still probably mean that he would not see you as much, so what he said instead was:
“If you feel like you can’t handle the curses nor the students here, yeah, sure, think about it.”
He was smirking mockingly, and you knew he was just joking, but the side gaze he was giving you seemed to indicate he did not want you to think about it.
“It’s you the one I can’t handle here. Good luck to the one who has to keep you in check when I leave.” You nudged him.
“If it worries you that much, you should stay,” Satoru said and put the lollipop back in his mouth. His tone was as playful as before, and his words sounded lighthearted.
You two bantered a little more before both of you had to go to back to your students, but before you parted, he said:
“You love this city, and the students love you, and I... " For a second, you thought he was going to say he loved you too, but what he said was "I think you should stay here too.”
And so you did.
Had Satoru ever felt bad about telling you to stay? He had sometimes doubted he should have done it.
Had he been happy when you had stayed by his side while you bid farewell to Gakuganji two days later? Very.
***
When you opened your eyes, it took you a second to remember why the bed felt different. It was not your bed but Satoru’s, and the form next to you was the owner of the bed himself.
After coming back in, you had gone to sleep. Satoru believed that, since his bed was big enough to fit both of you with some room in between, you could just share it, but there had been two factors you had not considered : 1) Satoru was a clingy sleeper, and even if he had laid down on the other side of the bed, it would not take him long to roll into your side and put an arm around you, and 2) how flustered you would be when he did it.
It was a habit, and you had never considered it more than that before. Even when you were younger, Satoru would just lay down next to you, usually leaving some room between the two as to not purposefully touch you, but when he was asleep, he always ended up pressed to you.
Maybe he unconsciously searches for warmth when he sleeps.
Some time ago, the last time you had slept in Satoru’s room because he had been intoxicated and ended in a similar situation, you had been trying to get over him. Now you could not help but wonder if this could be what life would be like for you two if you were together. Would you spend more time at his place or at yours? Would you sleep together every night? Would he kiss you goodnight and snuggle next to you instead of awkwardly getting under the sheets on the opposite side of the bed as he had done today?
Would we be happy together?
You turned on your side to take a better look of Satoru with the little light that filtered from outside, but the movement seemed to awake him.
“What is it?” his voice was soft and if he noticed the way his arm was wrapped around you, he did not show any intention of removing it. “Can’t sleep?”
You shook your head. “I was just wondering if we would be happy.”
He smiled lazily and blinked slowly as if his eyes wanted to go back to sleep. “We have been happy, haven’t we?”
We have, you thought. And didn’t someone said once that if something works, you should not try to fix it?
You looked at him, his eyes that held the skies in them, his sharp features that could look so soft when he was relaxed like this, his lips that had touched yours a few times and had felt as soft as they looked.
“I know, but don’t you think things will change if we…?” you stopped talking realizing Satoru had closed his eyes again, likely giving up against the need for sleep.
But when you moved lightly under his arm, you heard him murmur “We will be happier, I know it.”
And maybe it was the way he was holding onto you or how comfortable it felt, but you believed him.
***
“Are you alone?” Shoko’s voice came soundly and clearly from Satoru’s phone, and he directed a quick glance at you to see if you had heard it.
Why would she ask him that?
You appeared to understand his look as a cue to leave him alone in his living room and Shoko took his silence as an indication that he was indeed not alone, so she continued.
“Are you with [name]?”
Satoru finally spoke. “They just left the room. Were you trying to reach them?”
Shoko seemed to hesitate for a second. “No… I just wanted to check if they were taking missions tonight. If they are with you, it should be fine.”
“What do you mean?” Satoru thought it odd that Shoko called for that. Why had she not called you instead?
“Gojo, I think there is something you need to know about.”
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Note: Huh... Realizing now that I'm not consistent when it comes to parts' length. Anyways...
Thank you for reading!
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ACOSF Bonus Chapter Breakdown Part V - Azriel and Gwyn
Part I - Azriel and Elain
Part II - Azriel and Elain
Part III - Azriel and Rhys
Part IV - Azriel and Rhys
**This is just me, analyzing the life out of the bonus chapter and all the possibilities. My thoughts and no one else's. If you agree, great. If you disagree, love it. If you want to share why you disagree, love it even more. If you are disrespectful while disagreeing, I kindly request that you move along and if you insist you will be left to argue with yourself**
Back to control
"If you don't feel you don't hurt."
"If you don't feel you don't suffer."
"If you don't feel they can't break you."
Or know how close to breaking you got.
Azriel seems to be someone who feels too much and too deeply without a healthy outlet.
"tonight had proved he'd been right to do so."
This glimpse into his mind suggests that Az knew, consciously and subconsciously, his feelings were misplaced. He had known all along he ought to heed reason and not entertain or act upon those desires. If it were right, there'd be no regret.
Azriel arrived at the training pit with intense emotions that were overwhelming him and threatening to override reason.
The shadows also had not warned Azriel of Elain's presence earlier in the chapter, yet the author chose to only note it here.
Possibilties for the lack of warning:
The shadows didn't sense the person that was at the training pit
The shadows wanted Azriel to run into whoever was at the training pit and did not want to give him the chance to change course
The shadows were curious about the person who was at the training pit and they wanted to engage with the person.
Azriel wanted to be alone in this moment but didn't want to give the wrong impression that he is avoiding whoever was there. Azriel is a considerate character.
Chill, ice: ice and the cold are words often used to describe Azriel's moods, attitude or reactions.
It's late into the night of Winter Solstice and Gwyn is training alone.
Something is making her restless and in need of working it off
She has found something to give her focus and an outlet for her competitive streak
Gwyn wants to make sure she'll never again be vulnerable
The mask is back on and whole, containing everything he feels deeply within.
The shadows peered over his wing at her.:
The shadows are being highlighted in this section of the bonus chapter, as though their behavior is important to note.
They are curious about Gwyn, something rarely seen throughout the series.
Azriel's shadows are often met with fear, awe and outrigh disgust, so it is refreshing to see someone react to them in a positive manner, considering Azriel has noted his shadows are his companions, who would always be with him, making them essentially a part of his very existence. And not only react positively but treat them as their own entity, sentient beings worthy of recognition and attention.
Azriel again noticed his shadows are curious about Gwyn, something not seen before in the books.
"hooked her coppery-brown hair behind an arched ear":
Here are a few potential meanings behind this simple movement
Sign of attraction - a non-verbal way of exposing a persona's facial features, making them seem more open to the other person
A comforting or self-soothing gesture - a way to manage one's emotions in an uncormfortable situation or intense conversation. It serves as a small distraction, allowing the person a moment to collect themselves
A display of confidence - exposing one's face can signal they're not afraid to assert their presence and take up space
A flirting signal - hair tucking is a "preening" behavior in the animal kingdom, actions designed to improve one's appearance or attract a mate. It can signal their interest to the other person
Expression of nervousness - self touch providing a calming effect on the nervous system
Simply a habit developed over the years for any or no reason
Possibilities
Azriel being considerate of Gwyn's comfort level being in the cold
2. He is trying to subtly coax her to go inside so he can be alone in the training pit
3. This is an attempt at making polite conversation before excusing himself
4. Az is as curious about Gwyn as his shadows
Gwyn answers in stride.
After Azriel saved Gwyn in Sangravah, Mor brought Gwyn to the library where she's lived since then. Azriel remembers her, though he had not seen her since, until he began to help Cassian train the priestesses.
There is a hint of awkwardness in this moment.
It is great to note the difference in Gwyn through Azriel's perspective, since he is the one who found her at her worst moment. He's able to witness her growth and healing.
Based on ACOSF's depiction of her, the Gwyn standing before Az is determined, caring, stubborn, competitive and rises to the challenge. She is strong mentally and physically, which she already was before, but Azriel had not yet seen it.
SJM retconned the attack on Sangravah so Azriel would not only be present but would be the first to get there (emphasis mine):
From ACOMAF:
But Azriel confirmed that they’d raided the memorial in Sangravah three days ago. They’re looking for something—or found it.” Azriel nodded in confirmation, even as Mor cast a surprised look in his direction. Azriel gave her an apologetic shrug back.
From ACOSF:
“The first had just unbuckled his belt when Azriel arrived.” Silent, unending tears streamed down Gwyn’s face. “Azriel slaughtered all of them within moments. He didn’t hesitate. But I could barely move, and when I tried to get up … He gave me his cloak and wrapped me in it. Morrigan arrived a few minutes later, and then Rhysand appeared, and it became clear some of the soldiers had gotten away with the piece of the Cauldron, so Azriel headed after them.
Once the moment passes, Gwyn gives Azriel an opening to leave.
Az had originally gone to the training pit to be alone, and he could've taken this opportunity to leave and find solitude somewhere else. Instead he chooses to stay in Gwyn's company.
Their interaction is very direct in a comfortable way. There’s a sense of familiarity.
This shows Gwyn is perceptive and capable of reading others well. Azriel certainly wouldn't have volunteered this information.
"Her mouth quirked to the side":
She realized she has figured out why Azriel went to the training pit late at night on a holiday and is amused to know he's not as hard to read as he likes to think.
Azriel tries to slip back the mask on with a lie
Gwyn challenges the lie
This moment provides another example of how caring Az is.
Az decides to indulge Gwyn and accept the invitation to banter with her. In this moment he is lighter, compared to before arriving at the training pit.
To be continued...
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“Hey Clay?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you don’t really like to talk about your older bro-...”
“Did he call again? Ignore it, he’ll stop. Honestly, he should know better by now,” Clay grumbled, not looking up from his project. Last week, Bruce had called him, out of the blue. It had been a weird phone call, acting as if the last several years didn’t happen. As if Bruce didn’t just pick up and move across the country the moment he could, leaving the rest of them to their mother.
He knew he was holding a ridiculous grudge. It had been years. And Clay might have gotten over it eventually, if Bruce hadn’t replaced them with his perfect family. He barely stayed in contact - even with the brothers who weren’t as mad at him. Branch had been young when Bruce left, barely six years old. Clay wasn’t a whole ton better but at least Branch knew him to an extent. Branch at least knew his favorite color. Clay doubted Branch knew the first thing about Bruce.
“He… he’s here.”
Bruce wouldn’t leave his resort and his wife and well, now his kids. It was like he expected everyone to pick up and go visit him just because he lived on an exotic island or whatever. As if Clay didn’t have responsibilities or Floyd wasn’t constantly traveling. As if it was so easy for Grandma to leave the house and fly across the country. Bruce barely called and he never, ever visited - much less out of the blue like this.
Clay stopped and looked up, his head swiveling around to look back at his best friend. Her curly blonde hair was wrapped up in a messy ponytail, which was fairly normal, but the uncertain and awkward expression on her face was definitely not the norm for her. “What?” he asked, shocked.
She nodded. “Yeah. There is a guy down in the courtyard. He said he’s your older brother.”
Clay shook his head. Bruce would never leave his precious wife and resort to visit him, especially when he knew how much Clay was upset with him. Had been for years. Honestly, aside from one phone call a week or two ago, Clay hadn’t really heard from him in years. Clay could have chalked it up to Bruce just knowing that he was angry with him for abandoning him - them - with their mother the first moment he could, but he barely kept in contact with Floyd and Branch as well. And they didn’t hold the hard feelings that Clay did. Not that Clay was much better; he didn’t talk to any of his brothers much either.
“There is no way,” he protested with a huff, rolling his eyes. She must be mistaken, there was no other option. “He’s never made a trip out here. He would never leave his resort. What is he doing out here?” Viva hesitated, glancing away, which was very strange for her. She was very straightforward and easily excitable. Clay felt his brow furrow a little. “Viva…”
“He’s not… like how you said.”
He just sighed and took a deep breath. Bruce definitely had a way with people; he always had. Granted, Clay probably painted him in mostly a crappy light, due to the fact that whenever the subject did come up - which was extremely rare - it was not often positive. Clay had a lot of anger and probably a lot of resentment. It was a work in progress. “Look, Viv. I know he’s easy to believe. He seems soooooo friendly and charming that you want to just swoon or whatever. He’s got that effect on people but…”
“No.”
“No?” Clay asked, confused. She said it so strong, so flat, so sure and Clay wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“Clay… he’s not like that at all. He was actually really quiet and awkward and super uncertain but held him with some kind of…rigidness? At least as much as he could,” Viva looked uncomfortable, like she had seen something she really didn’t like. He wasn’t sure what that was about. At the moment, he was more hung up on the description which did not sound like Bruce at all.
He scoffed. “Bruce?”
“He didn’t say that was his name,” Viva continued, still uncertain, glancing towards the window. “But you only have one older brother right?”
Clay blinked and his whole world came to a standstill. “I….”
“Clay?”
Older brothers.
There was no way, though. He hadn’t heard anything from him since their parent’s divorce and when he was practically dragged away almost kicking and screaming. Clay barely remembered it; he tried not to. Everyone had been crying but Branch’s screaming, going along with everyone else's tears kind of drowned everything out. It hadn’t been a pretty memory and Clay avoided thinking about it. Coupling that with his mother’s systematic way of erasing anything that evoked him or their father from their house and their lives, it only took a few years for everyone to stop considering them entirely.
His eyes widened. There was no way. There was no way it was possible.
Clay didn’t even think. He bolted out the door, not even bothering to strip off his lab coat. There was no way. It had been at least fifteen years. What were the chances? After fifteen years? There was no way.
He had to be sure.
Making his way down to the courtyard, with Viva shouting after him, he scanned the area upon slamming the doors open. It had been a decade and a half. He had no idea what to look for anymore. They had all changed.
“He’s by the fountain, sitting on the stone wall,” Viva supplied.
That helped. He made his way over, still looking over the area until he spotted a more middle aged guy with short hair and bandages on his arm. When he looked, Viva nudged him, giving him the sign that who she had talked to was him. Definitely not Bruce.
He looked over at Clay and recognized him, suddenly nervous. Clay just stared. That was all he could really muster up to do. “Uh… hi, Clay. I know you might not really remember me but…”
Clay didn’t say a word at first, just launching himself at his big brother, knocking him into the grass behind in a hug. He clearly wasn’t expecting it but he took to the action pretty quickly, wrapping his arms around Clay’s back for support and to keep him from being tossed around.
“John Dory.”
Clay couldn’t remember the last time he thought of him, much less said his name out loud. He hated that. His eyes were squeezed shut, just soaking up the firm grasp his oldest - his oldest - brother had on him. He had so much to say and so many questions but only one happened to come out. It had been fifteen years and now John Dory just showed up out of the blue.
“How did…how did you find me?”
It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say. There was a lot he wanted to say and do but his mouth had run off with him, questioning so much that he really didn’t actually care the answers to. Because he was here. After fifteen years.
“Bruce told me.”
Clay shifted slightly. “B-Bruce?” He supposed it might have been easier to find a resort owner before some crazy older college student. Although Clay felt like he had his name out there more than his other older brother, as he had written papers and had been featured in several journals. Although it might not have been in things John might have looked through. They could be pretty niche.
“I…” John tensed a little and hesitated. “He found me. The hospital found him, I guess? They found him and called him. I’ve been staying with him for my recovery.”
Clay’s heart dropped as he pulled away, trying to assess. He scrambled off his brother, stepping back. “Your what?”
John grimaced.
Viva nudged his shoulder and spoke quietly. “Clay.”
Clay’s eyes were drawn downward. Sure, there were bandages on his arm but John’s grip didn’t seem to be very weak so he doubted that would be so debilitating and honestly, his legs seemed fi-… where was his leg?
“W-Where is your leg?”
“Sudan… I think?”
Clay just stared.
“Right, sorry. Kinda dark humor there,” John muttered, sitting up a little more. “I was… I have been, I guess, in the military for a while. Over ten years I guess, uhm… it’s a long story. But some stuff happened, my arm got kinda burned up but it’ll be okay. Head got banged around a bit but that should be fine too. The biggest thing was my leg which… well, that ended my military career pretttyyyy quick. The hospital found Bruce and yeah, I’ve been staying with him but…. I wanted to see you. Needed to see you.”
There was a pause.
“Sorry, that was… that was a lot of words.”
“When Bruce called…” Clay drifted off in realization. Bruce had called to tell Clay about John.
“He didn’t want to freak you out.”
“But I hung up.”
John nodded. “Bruce didn’t really tell me anything about what happened with you guys or anything but I just… I bought a plane ticket and well, here I am.”
Here he was.
“Does Bruce even know you’re here?” Clay asked, uncertainly. With John’s state, it probably meant that Bruce was kind of taking care of him, which meant he was in charge of his welfare and health. John was still on leg crutches and probably couldn’t get around super well. It couldn’t have been that long since it happened.
John snorted. “I am a grown man.”
“Missing a leg!”
“So?” John asked, his nose wrinkling. Clay almost felt like he had been slapped. Floyd and Branch did the same thing. “I knew a guy who lost both and guess what? He lives alone. Does just fine.”
“He’s probably freaking out.”
“Bruce? Probably.”
“Then why are you here?”
John tried not to look hurt. He would have done a great job too, if he hadn’t looked away. It was a telltale sign and Clay noticed. He didn’t even realize what he had said and how it came out until it was too late. He cursed himself; he didn’t want John to think he didn’t want him here. “I haven’t seen you in fifteen years, Clay. No matter how much time passes or what happens, I love you.”
Shit.
“Clay… he’s so cute,” Viva sniffled. “You never told me-”
“That I existed?” John guessed, making Clay cringe. “That seems to be an ongoing theme.”
“JD, I just…” he didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t have any excuse, really. He could blame a lot on his mother but that felt wrong to say to him. There wasn’t any real excuse that would make anyone feel better.
“It’s alright,” John replied, although Clay could tell there was some struggle. Which made sense. No one wanted to feel forgotten by loved ones. Especially not the ones still alive. “Bruce didn’t tell his kids I existed either. I’m getting over it.”
He shouldn’t have to get over it, Clay thought. He shouldn’t have had to do any of it. He should have spent the last fifteen years with them. He should have been there for birthdays, for their graduations, for their important moments. He should have been there when Bruce got married. For Floyd’s first show. For Clay’s best college awards. Bruce’s kids should have known their uncle their entire life, not just now and so forth.
“She’s dead, our mother,” Clay said, blandly. He blamed her a lot, for pretty much everything. Not the divorce itself; that was both of them, but for cutting them off from his brother. For forcing his name to never be spoken. For erasing his memory. It was one thing to keep them away from their father, although Clay didn’t like that either, but to keep them away from their older brother was unforgivable for him.
“So is dad. Over ten years.”
Ten years. Over even. John lost his family, became an adult and lost his father. No wonder he joined the military.
“Six.”
“I tried looking for you,” John promised, like it was something he had to convince Clay of. Like he didn’t want Clay to think that he didn’t try. It wasn’t meant to make Clay feel worse and Clay knew it but it did anyway. Because Clay hadn’t. He hadn’t looked. He hadn’t even considered it. “Before joining the military. After too, a little, I suppose. I’m no detective I guess.”
Clay just stared at him. Did he think…?
“I know…” John frowned again. “I know you’re mad at Bruce but I can’t… I… Clay, I want to be…to have… to be in some part of your life and I just…”
“I’m not mad at you.”
Clay hated the almost hopeful look that John stared at him with. It was a expression that screamed he wasn’t expecting this reaction. “You… aren’t?”
“No. Of course not. Our parents were petty and bitter and it is all their fault. JD, you never… you didn’t abandon anyone. Dad took you away and mom decided to try and erase that part of her life. Have you blamed yourself this whole time? For years?”
“No, no, I just… I don’t want you to think I stayed away or something.”
“I believe you,” Clay promised. “And I’m so glad you’re here.”
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