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emilyssky · 8 months

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Chapter 14: This Is Me Trying

PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader

GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)

SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"

"What?"

"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."

Author’s note: I didn't really have any time to edit this but I wanted to post it anyway <3 SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER !!!!!!!

I love Christmas. Ever since I was a kid Christmas meant the world to me and my mom, and under any circumstances, she made sure I had the best time every year. It does feel a little weird that she's not here with me, but looking around the living room, filled with all the people I adore, I feel like I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Everyone is here. Changbin, Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin came late in the afternoon just as we had finished setting everything up. Felix and Emma cooked a variety of different foods and sweets, nothing too fancy but enough for a warm and cozy Christmas get-together between friends, while, Hyunjin, Chan, and I decorated the place by lighting up the fireplace, hanging a bunch of Christmas lights around the house, and doing everything that we could do in order to shower the house with the best Christmas vibe.

We are all hanging in the living room, drinking and enjoying the food while low Christmas music plays in the background. We talked and laughed, and when the games started I found myself laughing like I haven't had in a long time, and it made me realize that if I got lucky in one thing it's meeting these people. Sitting here, spread across the living, on the floor and couches like we have no problems or responsibilities, like our lives are sweet and easy, simply enjoying each other's company, this is more than enough for me.

He came late. He came after we had 4 bottles of wine, after many rounds of games, and after half of the food was gone. He entered the room and I was unable to focus on anything else, cause in my eyes he shined brighter than the Christmas lights around us. He wore a smile that didn't reach his eyes and gave an excuse for being late that I didn't bother listen, my eyes still taking him in. It's impossible not to notice the difference, something was up and I could tell just by looking at him. He greeted everyone, faking laughs and jokes before sitting down next to Jisung. Everyone went back to the previous conversation but my eyes stayed glued to him from my sitting position on the floor, noticing how his face dropped when the attention was taken off of him. His hands reached for the half-empty bottle of whiskey, purring himself a generous amount before leaning back on the couch. Jisung smiles, talking with the rest of them but I caught the way his hand touched Minho's, silently and gently.

The whole time, it felt like he was just watching us not really getting involved in any conversation, not really playing in any of the games, and barely interacting with anyone unless they talked to him first. He doesn't sing or dance when the karaoke battles begin, he just sits there, observing. His eyes are on me almost all of the time, not in any specific way, with no hint of anything behind them, he just looks at me as if he's watching a movie.

I, on the other hand, am having fun. This feeling that comes with the company of these people, resembles the one of having a family, which I never really got to experience, not thoroughly at least. It feels nice and I'm happy. I allow myself for once to not let my thoughts drown me and lead me into a place of guilt and self-hatred, a place I visit quite often during holidays and any time that's considered 'family time'. It hurts to replay the very few memories I have of the time when my family was happily together, when my dad wasn't an alcoholic or abusive, and when my brother was alive. Days like these always hurt a little more but tonight I feel a little lighter. I drink and I dance and I laugh fully aware that he's watching my every move. I don't care though cause all I care about right now is having fun with my friends.

As much as I try not to pay attention, my mind is racing, going through all the possible things that could be going through his head right now and all the possible reasons he looks so out of it. One of the things that's giving away that something is up is the fact that Jisung has been glued to his side the whole night. As he talks and drinks like all of us, his mind is still on Minho, making sure he's staying close to him or touching him in some way. Not that Minho acts any different, clinging to his side as well. If Jisung moves, his moves, if Jisung talks he talks. The amount of whiskey that he's been drinking didn't go unnoticed by me as well, drowning glass after glass, like it's water. I've been holding myself back the whole night, choosing to have fun instead of dedicating yet another night with my friends to chasing Minho around. But, I can't stop myself. Not when he's looking at me like that every chance he gets, his eyes silently begging me, pulling me in.

I lift myself off the ground, as the fighting between Changbin and Hyunjin about who won the last game continues. I feel Felix's hand touching mine, from his seating position.

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"Just getting some water, you want anything from the kitchen?"

"Oh, no, I'm okay." He lets me go.

His eyes are on me again, following me as I circle the couch to go to the kitchen. He's sitting in the corner of the couch, his hand with the glass of whiskey tight between his fingers, resting against the arm of the couch. As I'm walking past him, I let my fingers brush against his arm, in a smooth way, just for a few seconds before walking into the kitchen.

I leaned into the counter, my hands crossed in front of my chest, waiting and anxiously biting the nail of my thumb. Precisely 23 seconds later, he walks into the kitchen. He moves slowly, hands in his pocket and head hanging low. He stops a few feet away from me and lifts his eyes to meet mine.

I lower my hand from my mouth, my heart tightening at the way he looks at me. "What's wrong?" I dare to whisper and it's like my words break something inside him.

His shoulders fall, the muscles in his jaw tightening. "One of your hugs would be good right now."

I open my arms immediately, not thinking about anything, or anyone else. He takes 3 big steps and throws his body on mine, burning his face in my neck and holding my waist like I'm gonna disappear. I close my arms around him, holding him like never before, and I feel my own body relax. This weird comfort that comes along with his touch shocks me every time, the feeling of familiarity and warmth that makes me feel safe is something that I've only ever felt with him. He doesn't say a word, he just breaths hard and we stay like that for some time, holding each other, my body leaning against the counter with his leaning down on me. This feels like a level of intimacy that we hadn't reached yet, much deeper than any kiss of touch we've shared only cause it feels so raw and open, something he rarely is with me.

"Minho... " I say his name with hesitation, and I feel his body twitch.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry about everything." He mumbles, his face still deep into my neck.

"What are you talking about?" I try to pull back a bit, try to see his face.

He looks up, his eyes red and watery. "I'm trying.." He whispers so brokenly that I feel my own emotions building.

"It's okay.." I touch the sides of his face, feeling his jaw clenching and unclenching. I don't know what to say or do, I don't know how to act cause this is the first time I've seen him like this.

"I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to be good. A good friend, a good person, a good brother but I just keep fucking up. I can't control it, it's like I'm made to destroy anything good that comes into my life and for a long time I was okay with that, I was okay with being that version of myself cause all I had was myself." He speaks as if he was desperately holding the words inside for ages. "I have people I care about now," He looks me in the eyes. "People I wanna keep and I keep messing up." He stops, sucking in a breath. "You're important to me, you've been important to me since the night I met you and that's exactly why I didn't want you around me. People like me don't fit with people like you."

I feel my own breath shaking, my eyes searching his. "D-don't say that." My hands slowly drop from his face. It hurts that he thinks so highly of me, cause he shouldn't.

"It's true." He nods several times. "But, baby you're light. My everything is attracted to you in a way I can't explain. "

"So you care?" I let some of the excitement his words awoke inside me show on my face.

"Yes, I care." He rolls his eyes.

"Well, telling your sister that we're just friends when a few minutes before that you had me coming all over your fingers, is a really shitty way to show that you care." I joke even though it still hurts. It's scary to me how fast he switched, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke, it was like he was a different person.

His eyes squint, inhaling sharply through his teeth. "That was not one of my finest moments, I must admit."

"Why did you do it then?" I can't stop myself from asking.

He stares at me, his face for once visibly vulnerable. "Cause I got scared." He says. "Cause suddenly you got too close to the real me and I got scared." It's almost like it hurts him to say the words, the truth.

"You don't have to hide from me Minho," I reply just as honestly. "I want you, all of you. I''ve been trying to get you to let me in since day one but every time it feels like I take one step forward and then three steps back."

"I know," His lips form a tight line. "I know and it's my fault but I can't stay away from you." My heart jumps a little at his words. "I'm fucked up and I don't know how to act around you but I simply can't stay away from you."

Our foreheads lock, his hands cupping my jaw and I don't breathe, I forget how to. "Then don't." My words make his eyes snap. " If you stay, I'll stay and If you try, I'll try but I'm not running after you. If you're not ready, I'll be your friend until you are, cause I'm not giving myself away to someone that's holding back from doing the same. "

The corner of his mouth lifts slightly. "My friend? "

"Obviously you can't handle me as more than that so...." I shrug, as his hands slide down from my face and rest on my hipbones lazily.

"Trust me," His voice drops just like his head. "I can handle you extremely well." And just like that the spark in my stomach lights up. A word of his, a look, a simple touch, and my body begins heating up.

"That's not a very friendly thing to say." I tease ignoring the way his nose brushes against my neck, his lips barely touching my skin.

He chuckles, sending vibrations down my body. "Well, I wanna bend you over the counter and make you scream my name as you come around my dick, in the friendliest way possible."

I seel my lips together suppressing a moan as I stare at him through my lashes, the heat in my belly growing along with his smile.

"Let's go back, we've been gone for a while." I clear my throat, giving him a light push backwards.

His laugh fills the room as he bounces next to me with a cocky smile. "So we're friends?" He says the word like it's a joke.

"Friends." I nod, swallowing hard. And even though I know that it's the right thing to say, the more I look at him the more it feels like a mistake.

He crosses his arms against his chest. "Thank you for listening to me."

"Of course." I nod, offering a sweet smile. I could listen to him talk for hours, almost as many hours as I could sit in absolute silence simply enjoying the sight of him.

He glances at me from head to toe, capturing his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Let's go." I make the first move, pushing myself off the counter and walking towards the exit of the kitchen. I hear him walking behind me and then I feel a short yet sharp slap against my ass, making me halt my steps.

He walks past me, with his hands lifted apologetically and a devilish grin. "Sorry, bestie." And then enters the living room going straight to his previous spot on the couch.

Everyone is still so heavily invested in the game to notice how flushed my face is as I also return to my spot on the floor next to Felix.

. . . .

I wanted to play tough, I really did. 'Let's stay friends' I said and actually regretted it the second the words came out of my mouth, and as time went by I regretted it even more.

Bro, his eyes. His eyes are on me from his seat next to Jisung the whole time along with a small smile, the type of smile that makes my toes curl. I try, so hard, not to look his way not to let his devilish glances get to me but turns out I'm not tough at all, actually, I'm soft as a fucking marshmallow when it comes to Lee Minho. Approximately 47 minutes have passed and I'm boiling, trying to contain myself as the fun continues. Everyone is almost drunk, the food and sweets have been absolutely devoured and we've played every single game in the book. This has to be my favorite Christmas in a long time cause I've always been a sucker for simple things, just me and my friends in a room full of beautiful Christmas decorations having the best time, that's all I need. Well, that and Minho pinning me against the wall and slamming his dick-

Nope. No.

Sefl control. That's what I need. And maybe some holy water.

"I must say this is an excellent way to spend Christmas." Chan looks around with a gentle smile. "I really love having everyone here, together."

"It does feel nice." Jisung agrees. "It feels almost like a family." His tone is slightly sad, his big eyes taking in the sight of us.

"Speaking of that," Chan clears his throat, his body straightening. "I have something to say."

"Oh no." Emma's face drops but Chan's quick to ensure her.

"It's nothing bad, quite the opposite actually."

The way Felix straightens his posture as well, and how his face turns suddenly serious catches my attention.

"I-I'm-" He stutters. "So, our school is planning a music competition in which the winner will be signed to a music label."

"That's perfect!" I squeal, clapping my hands together.

"The thing is that the company that our school is working with this year is JYP Entertainment."

I feel my shoulders slowly dropping, my reaction the complete opposite of the reaction the rest of them have.

"JYP?" Changbin lifts his brows.

"JYP as THE JYP that's one of the top 5 companies in the Kpop industry?" Jisung expression is shocked.

"Yep," He scratches the back of his head.

"Oh, my god. That's huge!" Jeongin can't contain his excitement.

Chan meets my eyes. "It is, besides the fact that JYP and team Wang are besties."

It takes a few seconds for everyone to connect the dots and then a loud group groan fills the room.

"Well, that doesn't necessarily mean that Jackson will get the spot." Emma tries to be positive, as always.

"No," Chan agrees with her. "And that's why in order to compete and win we have to be the best that we can be."

"We are already pretty good." Seungmin says.

"Musicly yeah, but considering that JYP is a Kpop company our stage presence is lacking." He explains. "And that's why I thought it would be a great idea to change things up a bit."

"What do you mean?" Minho's eyes narrow questionably.

Chan's visibly struggling, trying to find the right words, clearly unsure of what he's about to say and if it is even right or needs to be said but he speaks up anyway. "I was thinking,"

"WE were thinking," Changbin speaks up, directing everyone's attention to him.

"Yes, we were thinking of adding a few new members to the group, specifically people that can help us have a better stage presence, uhm dance-wise." He hesitantly says and my mind catches up immediately.

Everyone goes silent, probably starting to catch up as well.

"We think that Hyunjin and Felix would be a great addition to the team." Changbing finally says it, knowing that Chan will go in circles for a few more minutes.

Silence. Hyunjin and Felix are exchanging looks.

"Besides the fact that they're amazing performers, we were playing around one day at the studio, and turns out their vocals are pretty good." Changbin goes on.

"And also Felix's voice is incredibly unique, I think it will be a perfect fit for us." Chan adds.

Still, everyone stays silent, looking around at each other, thinking.

"Well, I like the idea." Surprisingly Minho is the first to speak up. "I feel like Hyunjin, Felix, and I will make a good dancing team."

"And I think that Felix's voice will be great to have in our songs, it will for sure be our signature thing," Jisung adds.

Their words make Chan's shoulder visibly relax, his face lighting up.

"We completely understand if you don't want us to join, It's what you've been working on for so long and we don't wanna invade," Hyunjin says looking at the guys that still haven't said a word.

"No," Jisung says. "We've known you guys for a month and a half and I think we can all agree that we feel like we've known you for ages. If you can contribute to the team and help us win then I'm more than happy to have you along with us in this journey."

It warms my heart to see everyone bonding and growing closer and closer together.

"Same." Jeongin nods. "Besides, every time we recorded something, it always felt like something was missed or that it needed something more."

"Exactly and I trust Chan," Seungmin smiles. "If he says that it's a good idea then we'll give it a shot."

"Great, " Chan's smile is bright as he claps his hands together, happy that everyone is on the same boat. "Well," He laughs awkwardly. "Welcome to the family." He turns to Hyunjin and Felix, who just smile.

"Yay!" I wrap my arms around Felix's shoulders, feeling him giggle.

"Shots to celebrate!" Emma yells and everyone joins in screaming and laughing.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Emma asked several times if I was okay with her spending the night with Seungmin and even though I assured her that I was perfectly fine with it she still looked at me like a mother leaving her 10-year-old daughter home alone for date night. For some reason, all of them treated me that way. Chan asked me over 10 times if I wanted to stay here for the night, Hyunjin and Felix kept offering to go for drinks just the three of us when everybody left and Minho, well Minho couldn't stomach the fact that I didn't want him to drive me home.

My phone vibrated for the second time since I started walking back home.

"You can still change your mind you know." He singsongs in my ear.

"Nope." I stand my ground, happy that he can't see the smile that's forming on my lips at how persistent he is. How I secretly hoped he would be and how I secretly love it.

He groans playfully. "Stop being stubborn."

"Me protecting myself from inevitable heartbreak isn't stubbornness." I fumble with my keys, balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder. I open the door and walk into the elevator.

"You're afraid that I'm gonna break your heart?" I can picture the smirk on his face without even trying. I think that we both know the answer to that question. It's always one that gets hurt, the one that gets completely and utterly heartbroken to the point that being in love ever again seems like torture. And I know that it's gonna be me. I already feel my heart breaking little by little every time something happens and I know that at this point it's inevitable.

"I know you are." I smile at the ground as the elevator doors open reaching the third floor in a few seconds.

A throat-clearing noise makes my eyes snap upwards. My feet freeze.

He smiles, his body leaning against the wall next to my door. He keeps his phone pressed to his ear as he answers. "I think heartbreak is poetic."

Silence, the dangling keys in my hands being the only sound filling the empty hallway.

"Heartbreak is tragic and painful." I hand up and he does the same.

"Yeah but worth it." He looks at me through his lashes, head hanging low with his arms crossed.

He looks soft. Softer than usual. Calm. "Some of them."

His half smile widens. "For me, it will be worth it when you break my heart."

There it is. The knot in my stomach, the tightness in my chest, his words can make me a mess in seconds.

I walk slowly, standing in front of him. "What are you doing here? How-" I chose not to comment on what he said.

"I drove." He offers me a tight smile.

I stare at him, my expression straight and playfully serious.

Instead of answering he digs into his pocket, pulling out the set of keys I've given Chan.

"That's creepy, you know that right?"

He bursts into a deep chuckle, his hand messing with his hair. "It's still Christmas and I don't want you to spend it alone."

I swallow hard.

"Minho," I say unlocking the door. "we argued on some boundaries."

"It's okay, I won't stay long." He pushes past me, entering the house before I do, already taking off his shoes.

I can't do anything other than shake my head at him, warmth creeping in. I close the door behind me, dropping my stuff on the small table next to the door. He takes in the space for a few seconds before settling on the couch and It hits me that this is the first time that he hasn't burst through the door to yell at me. I take my shoes off as well, suddenly nervous, and walk further into the small kitchen.

"I'm fine with being alone," I say, pulling out two glasses. "Water?"

"Wine?" He crosses his legs and leans back on the couch, which suddenly looks smaller than usual.

I hold his gaze only for a few seconds, the tension in the air thick. "Sure." I swallow.

I set a bottle of red wine we had in the fridge and two glasses on the coffee table, before sitting down in the small space he's left for me next to him.

"Minho what are you doing here?" I turn to face him, popping my arm against the back of the couch and resting my head against my palm.

"I was driving home," He reaches for the bottle, opening it effortlessly. "And all I could think about is how beautiful you looked today. How you were genuinely laughing at everything Changbin did or said and how you ran your hands nervously through your hair every time it was your turn to play. I noticed that the only thing you ate was the chocolate-covered strawberries so it got me thinking that it's probably your favorite fruit and then I realized that; I don't know what your favorite book is." He fills my glass with a generous amount of the red liquid, before moving on to his. "Or your favorite movie. I don't know if you like your coffee cold or warm, I don't know if you sleep with a small light on or you like it completely dark. I know nothing about your mom or how you grew up to be this incredible human that you are."

I take the glass between my fingers. "I'm not incredible," I mumble. "Far from it actually."

He looks at me, his face open and relaxed. "You're the most incredible person I know."

My chest sparks with pain, it tightens. "It's because you don't know me well."

"I want to," He leans in, speaking with no hesitation. "I wanna know everything about you."

I can't hold his gaze for more than a few seconds, cause the more I look at him the more I wanna let the words pour out of my mouth and allow him to read me like an open book. Unravel all the damage and darkness that I kept hidden, and lay everything on the table for him to see. I want him to know me, but a part of me is still afraid, still scared to let him this close.

"This picture that you have in your mind, this idea of me is far from who I really am."

His eyes take me in. "And who are you really?"

I take a deep breath, my mind searching for the right words but can't seem to find them, cause there are no right words, there's no right answer to his question, only the truth. "I don't know who I really am," I whisper. "But I know that I'm not incredible. I'm not someone you should think so highly of, I'm not someone who deserves to be so kindly treated and loved by so many. I'm a liar and I'm damaged to the point of no return and even if I try to show the opposite, I know me."

His face darkens and his wine is gone, with lips tight and a low voice he asks, "Who made you think like that about yourself?"

"I did." I answer with a sad smile. "A long time ago."

His hand reaches forward, tugging a piece of my hair behind my ear, his touch so soft and gentle that I bearly felt it. "I wanna know." His eyes, so big and bright, searching mine desperately and making my heart scream, scream in protest, going against my head, begging to be heard, to be seen and understood. "There's not one thing that you can say to me that will make you look less than the angel you are in my eyes."

I scoff laughingly at his ignorant words. "We'll need more wine then." I drown my glass in a second before holding it in front of me.

He pours me some more. "How's your mom like?"

I love this question, so much that I could answer it a million times.

"My mom is the most amazing person I know," I smile. "She's warm and sensitive. She has this bright smile," I move my hand over my mouth. "that can literally light up the whole fucking room. That's my first memory actually; her smile. Everything about her is soft; her touch, her hair, the way she speaks and treats others, It's fascinating to see someone like her exist and go through life but at the same time it makes me sad to think how someone like her got treated so poorly by everyone around her, how hard everything was for her, and how broken she actually is."

His face softens, his smile small. "You seem to love her a lot."

"I adore her. She means the world to me." I wet my lips with some wine. "And even though I know that the feeling is mutual, if I was her I wouldn't love me."

His perfect eyebrows come together. "Why?"

I move the wine around the glass, memories, and flashbacks clouding my mind.

"My father was the complete opposite of my mother. He was cold and distant, always giving us the bare minimum when it came to fatherly love. He was always working or doing stuff alone. Jogging, reading, cooking, he always preferred to be alone." I pause, suddenly aware that I have his full attention, and take a few more sips. "It was after his mom's passing that everything changed. He began drinking and experimenting with drugs."

The change in his expression is visible, his sharp inhale barely audible.

"I think you know how that goes, so I will not get into the details." I force a low laugh.

"Yeah, please don't." His eyes dark, sad almost. He takes my hand in his, examining my fingers as if it's his first time seeing them, and then starts to play around with them.

"I never liked my father, " I continue, my focus still on how he plays around with our hands. "And as I grew older and things kept getting worse and worse, I started to hate my mom for it," I admit for the first time out loud. "I couldn't understand why she wouldn't leave him, why she wouldn't choose us over him."

"Us?" He questions, his voice careful and quiet.

My chest feels like a hundred pounds yet warm at the same time as I say the words. "I had a brother."

I noticed the way his gaze faltered, and his hand stopped moving over mine.

"His name was Jax," I try to appear lighter than I feel. "You would have liked him. He was a year younger than me and we were quite inseparable. He was everything I wasn't and I was everything he wasn't, in a way that we made the perfect pair. He was strong and incredibly smart, always there to do the right thing or say the right thing. He was full of energy, super active and athletic and I was well, the opposite." I laugh.

"Let me guess," He mused with a light smirk on his full lips. "You were a troublemaker, quick to break any rule, extremely fun and hyperactive yet most people would refer to you as closed off and quiet. You were the type of girl that was seeking adrenaline through the pages of books or the scenes and dialogues of old movies, chasing that rush that real life couldn't offer you, the type of rush that made your heart beat faster and your mind travel far away. You were ambitious but always thought that you were not smart enough to follow your dreams that seemed bigger than those of the people surrounding you yet deep down you always knew that you were meant for more."

My mouth hangs open, his words leaving me speechless. My heart full, my mind a mess. "You're by far the most annoying person I've ever met you know that?"

He looks rather amused. "Is that why you're blushing?"

I turn my head to the side, burying my mouth into the small glass. "I'm not, shut up."

"You are but I'll let it slide, please continue." He motions with his hand.

The atmosphere is lighter yet the air inside my lungs is still tight. "It was Christmas actually, We came back from a family dinner at my aunts' house that was of course a disaster. My dad was completely wasted per usual, and I remember them fighting so hard in the car that Jax had to put his headphones over my ears because I almost started crying, I was 14 and he was 13. My dad had this weird thing about driving, he loved driving, and despite how much he would drink or what drugs he would take he would always go on those late-night drives. It helped him clear his head in a way. At times he would ask us to come with and back then we would take anything that we could get from him, any type of love and affection. But things had gotten a lot worse, my father was abusive always drunk and high to the point that both of us were so afraid of him."

This is the first time I'm telling this story out loud, the first time I'm being completely honest about what happened. Even Chan doesn't know the whole truth. I pause, and Minho is quick to notice my discomfort. I curl into a ball, my knees close to my chest as if that would make me feel any less exposed.

"It's okay." His hand touches my knee. He feels so different tonight like something changed between us, something about him is softer.

"My mom was upstairs, locked in her room. I was screaming, begging him to let me go, telling him that I didn't want to go with him, that I was scared." I feel my throat get tight. "He wouldn't listen, he was pulling me, his hands digging into my skin. He had never hurt me that much before. " I feel shivers down my back, the memory still an open wound. "Something about that night felt different. The way he was acting, I'd never seen him like that and it scared me. I knew that something was wrong."

"He said-" I stop, the lump in my throat growing. "He said that if I didn't go with him, he would take Jax instead and he wouldn't come back." The words rip out of my throat. "My screams must have been way too loud 'cause Jax came running down the stairs, my mom still nowhere to be seen. Jax was always so protective of me, always ready to take the punches for me and this time was no different. It took one look, he saw my face and he stepped forward immediately, insisting on taking him instead. My father looked at me, but I was frozen, completely consumed by fear, my body still hurting and all I wanted to do was disappear." I met his eyes for the first time since I started talking. "I didn't say anything. I let the fear speak instead and I let him take him." My tears stared silently making their way down my cheeks.

His hand found the side of my face, his thumb brushing the wetness of my skin. "Baby-"

"The call came early in the morning," I sniff. "They found the car crashed against a tree a few minutes away from the house, both of them dead."

I break down, his hands are around me in a second. "I let him take him, I gave him away even though I knew." I sob silently, my hands gripping his shirt. "I was supposed to protect him, it was my fault-"

"Hey," He pulls back, holding my face between his hands. His eyes, narrowing, roaming all over my face. "Don't say shit like that." I try to pull away, shame showering me. "Look at me," His tone demanding, low and sharp yet his face soft and gentle. "You were a child. You were both children with parents who failed to protect you, there's no way you could have possibly known what would happen. Please baby don't- don't do that to yourself."

"The look on my mother's face," I shake my head. " I can never get that out of my head. I was crying for days, begging her for forgiveness and she would whisper that it wasn't my fault, that it was hers but I could never escape the guilt."

He leans back taking me with him, my head against his chest and his hands playing with my hair. I let the sound of his heart calm me down, burying myself deeper into his arms, and as the seconds go by I find myself thinking that I could get used to this. This feeling of safety, the warmth of his body, the way his breath tickles the side of my head, and the way his fingers toy with my hair, brushing my skin occasionally. It feels addictive and powerful, yet peaceful and softer than anything I've ever felt.

After a few minutes, I find the strength to continue. "I couldn't face her. I became such a difficult kid, I shut her out and turned to things like partying and drinking to cope. We rarely spoke about it, every time she would try to talk to me I would turn her down. I was selfish and such a brat, all I cared about was myself and my own grief, my own guilt, and my own mistakes. My mother was strong enough, she went through her grief by herself and came out stronger. She started working again and she fell in love again. She moved on, and that was something I couldn't do, I still can't."

I pull myself away from his arms, sitting up straight. "I was going down the wrong path, I was losing myself day by day and my mother didn't know what to do. " A small smile creeps into my lips. "And then I met Chan. First day of college, he was the first person that spoke to me and somehow he forced himself into my life without me even realizing it. We became one, we were inseparable to the point that he went everywhere with me. He became close to my mom and the rest of my family in no time. Since his parents were not supportive at all of his dreams he knew that the minute he decided to give up law school for music he would be on his own and I tried everything I could to convince him to do it. When he did, both my mom and I felt this sort of responsibility or you could say protectiveness over him." My smile grows. "My mom says he reminds her a lot of Jax and it's true, he is a lot like him. Chan saved me, in every way. I wouldn't be here without him. He might say the opposite but it's not true, and I hope he knows that."

He sighs, looking at me with the softest smile I've ever seen him wear. "People save people."

"I hate always being the one getting saved." I whisper.

His eyes stare into mine. "You're not, you're saving a lot of people without realizing."

I doubt that.

Silence falls between us, a few moments that our eyes speak words our mouths can't and we stay like that looking at each other. I take everything in, everything about him, everything that he has become to me in such a short period of time and I know that despite everything he's done, none has made me feel the way he does. I'm attracted to him in every possible way and no matter how hard I fight it, it keeps pulling me back in. The way he looks at me with those eyes, the way he touches me, the way he speaks, his existence as a whole brings me to my knees.

"Well," I sigh. "There it is." I break the silence. "And also I like my coffee hot and black with no sugar and it needs to be completely dark for me to be able to sleep."

His eyes light up, his whole face switching. "You're fucking incredible." He beams, leaning closer to me. He takes my jaw between his two fingers. "Please, don't put yourself down, what happened wasn't your fault and please trust me when I say that; you deserve the entire world."

I look deep into his eyes, his face inches away from mine, his breath my breath and I can't help but whisper. "I don't want the entire world."

He smirks, his hand finding the back of my neck making my stomach fill with excitement and then he kisses me.

#lee know x reader #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #kpop #skz smut #lee know smut #stray kids x reader #lee know fanfic #lee know series #lee minho #kpopfanfic #leeknowskz #skzimagines #stray kids #skz imagines #skz x reader #stray kids lee know

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monbons · 21 days

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an ask game for writers to procrastinate working on your WIP(s)

thanks for tagging me @bookish-bogwitch, @thewholelemon, @cutestkilla, and @noblecorgi!

1. 🦈Tell us the name of your/ one of your WIP(s): Currently, living, breathing, and eating my one and only WIP: The Eternal Life of Baz Pitch. Also, I am probably retiring after this fic because I do not think I can top it!

2. 🍄Describe your WIP/one of your WIP(s) in the format of “___ + ___ =___” Addie LaRue + SnowBaz = so much pain and angst

3. 🌍What tags or warnings will one of your WIP(s) need if you intend to share it? Period-typical homophobia, Implied/referenced DV, Blood and Injury, Death... I mean truly the works. This is SnowBaz in the darkest possible timeline.

4. 🧭An alternative title to one of your WIP(s)? At one point, I joked with @thewholelemon about naming it "Baz Pitch's 300 Year Long Grope-Fest" but for obvious reasons that title would really do a disservice to this fic (although it is sort of true).

5. ⚠️Which WIP you're most likely to finish or update next? Now that I've created a posting schedule for The Eternal Life of Baz Pitch, I want to stick to it. While I'm "done" drafting, I am still making a few big revisions to the last six chapters. I've also been re-reading the first chapters for continuity issues that may have cropped up now that I know how this ends. Either way, I can see the finish line.

6. 💾What is your document of your WIP/ a WIP called? (not the stories actual title but what you’ve saved it as) It started out as "Addie LaRue Working Draft." Once the one doc got unwieldy and long, it spun out into multiple docs titled all sorts of things - mostly chapter numbers, but I do have one not as fun as it sounds doc called "Sex Playground." (ha!)

7. 🖍Post Any sentence(s) from your WIP. “Are you so naive as to think I cannot watch you whenever it pleases me, even if you cannot see me?”

8. ♻️A scrapped idea for your current WIP. I actually have SEVERAL scenes I scrapped...like pages and pages! Largely this is because I have a whole document titled "Voice," which served as a sandbox of sorts where I could play with every possible combination of POV, tone, and style before committing to the final version you see in the story now. There's even a scene in there told first-person Niall! (Bonkers.)

I also have a whole ACTUAL scene I'd love to include as an answer to this question because it was well-written, but I cut it because it made the plot unnecessarily complicated, was frankly too close to the original plot of Addie, and would have made my ending impossible. It is also--sadly--too big a spoiler to include here, so let me give you a few sentences from "Sex Playground" that will not be making the cut:

“Stay.” Baz pushes his hand into the center of Simon’s chest, pressing him back into the mattress. “I want to look at you.” Simon gives Baz a filthy smile. He can look all he wants.

9. 🤔What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet? I really want to write a canon divergence where Simon successfully but somewhat accidentally reveals Baz is a vampire fifth year, so Baz and the whole Pitch family have to flee from the Mage. I already have the "everybody finds out" scene written and the scene where the Mage realizes the Pitch family is gone, so I guess I have started it. But, I also have no idea where it's going or what it's about, so I haven't really accomplished anything. If anyone has ideas or wants to be a partner-in-crime on this, give me a little shout!

10. 🤡How many WIPS are you actively working on? Literally just this one. Again, I am retiring after this fic! (Or at least taking a very well-deserved break.)

11. 🛠Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now? Absolutely 100% it is writing the smut. Having never written any on-page sex means I'm figuring it out as I go. Lots of frustrated growls from me (not nearly as frustrated from Simon).

12. ❤️Not a question, just a second Kudos to send. I know many of you have already posted, but tagging anyway since you've commented/liked past WIPsdays and such, in case you're interested in the behind the scenes!

@valeffelees, @roomwithanopenfire, @noblecorgi, @cutestkilla, @iamamythologicalcreature, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @youarenevertooold, @drowninginships, @emeryhall, @hushed-chorus, @rimeswithpurple, @aristocratic-otter, @larkral, @artsyunderstudy, @brilla-brilla-estrellita

#tag game #writers asks #the eternal life of baz pitch #carry on #i really wish i could share all the things but part of the joy of this story is the slow reveal #feel free to ask me again once it's all done!

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hellhound5925 · 1 month

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Cyare Verd

*OC Raven x Hunter

Previous: Chapter Two - Spoils of War

Chapter Three: Ruins of War

It's safe to say at this point, this is not how I saw this going. I shouldn't be surprised though because when did Cid's missions EVER go well. The answer is never. They never go well. I will say, these guys live up to expectations.

The free-falling feeling is starting to get old. My stomach - I swear on my ancestors - is in my skull.

"We are descending at a rate of speech that is most concerning" Tech voices his opinion - or fact. Same difference.

"If the reentry thrusters don’t engage soon—" Echo starts before I finish for him "We're all dead!".

There is a clang sound and all the cargo - including us - crashes to the ground. My whole body aches. The others stand, collecting themselves; however, I continue to lay on the floor for a moment longer wondering what I did to make the galaxy hate me so much. A string of curses pass my lips.

"Other than not being able to steer or control where we land, I would say this is going well" Tech says looking around.

I scoff getting to my feet, "Your definition of well and mine. Very different".

Hunter's voice comes through the comms, "Did you reach the escape pods yet?"

An involuntary scoff from me, "Not exactly”.

“We are using an alternate mode of transport. My calculations have us crashing towards the upper forest region of the planet" Tech explains.

I lean over to Echo, "Is he always like this?".

A laugh. "Yeah, Always".

Tech seemed to have finished his conversation with Hunter. "Well then, now we just wait until we hit the ground".

That thought hits me like a stone hitting water. It's supposed to be good news but my gut still says it's not over.

Shortly after that, the container hits the ground. Hard. I’m left wondering how much more of this my body can handle in one day.

"That was smoother than some of Wreckers attempted landings" Tech jokes.

"I think I'd like to never find out what those are like" I say, bending over with hands on my knees. My body aches and bile rises in my throat. For a second, I wonder how fast my body will react if I need to get my helmet off. Puking with a helmet is not something I’d like to add to my list of experiences today.

"Tech Report" Hunter comms us again.

"We are alive. But where we are, I am not fully certain.”

"The Empire is gonna come looking for their containers, and likely for us" I say to all of them. Having regained my composure.

Hunter grunts his agreement, "Get out of sight and lay low. Once we get to the Marauder we'll come for you."

"Sir, yes sir" I sneer over a chorus of "Roger that.”

Tech turns to me and glances at Echo, "What you did back there, for us-",”-Cid would probably find a way to make my after life miserable if we all died" I brush it off, waving a hand.

The whole container shifts as if it still hasn’t fully settled. "We haven't fully landed yet" Echo barely finished before the container begins to tip.

Without hesitation, the three of us run towards the top. Dodging the cargo on our way as it crashes to the bottom. We don't quite make it before the whole container is dropping completely upright. The three of us fall briefly only to have our bodies slammed onto the cargo at the bottom. With a quick glance to my left, I see Echo but there’s no sign of Tech.

Neither of us have a chance to look for him, when the sound of metal groaning comes from overhead. A large container breaks free of the cargo net and barrels past the two of us. It crash lands with a loud band and a pained grunt.

Scrambling to the edge of the containers we landed on, Echo and I both look over. Tech is pinned.

"Tech! Tech! Are you alright?" I yell down to him. He doesn’t respond, trying to pry the container off his leg.

”Hang on we’re coming down.” Echo added, sliding himself off his container down to Techs level. I follow suit. The two of us carefully lift the container off him.

Tech snaps, "My left femur has been fractured by approximately 150 kilograms of pressure...so...no.”

"Hang tight. I'll go up top and scope things out" Echo says.

I reach for his bicep to stop him, "Be careful, we are down one of you. I can’t drag you both out of here". His helmeted head dips slightly before making his way to the top.

I take off my backpack and dig through it to find something to brace Tech's leg with. As if he knew exactly what I was thinking he speaks, "Good idea, probably should brace my leg".

Unfortunately, a bandage is the only thing I have. At least it provides some form of support. A quick glance at him with the wrap in my hand and a shrug of permission, I get to work. Once I’ve got it started, I wrap it nice and tight. He grunts.

"Ni ceta (sorry). Almost done" I try to comfort him.

He comms Echo, "What do you see up there?"

"We still haven't landed."

"We need to get out of here" I add my input.

Echo makes a plan, "Alright, we can use a rope to climb up to the ledge. Tech, we can pull you up once we get up there.”

"Copy that" I say, gathering up our things and grabbing Tech's bag.

Echo throws down the rope and I help Tech over to it. "Are you going to be alright for a few minutes?"

"Yes, I'll be fine" he huffs a sigh. With a nod, I begin my climb.

Once I’ve reached the top, I haul myself up over the cliff's edge. Echo and I exchange a quick glance. He’s got one end of the rope tied to a tree, while he himself steadies it. I grab on.

”I’m up. Tech you ready?”

“Ready.”

”Alright. On you Echo.”

“Pull.”

The two of us work in unison pulling Tech to the tip. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead. The only sound over our open channel is a combination of grunts.

"Well this mission has been eventful" Tech says once he reaches the top.

"You don't say.”

Echo ignores our banter "We have to get out of sight.” His visor scanning the tree line.

“So much for the war chest. Cid’s going to be pissed.” I think out loud.

The 3 of us head toward the trees. Echo helps Tech while I keep watch. For some time, we walk in silence. Every so often making sure to glance back at Echo and Tech. With a reassuring nod from the former, my visor turns back ahead of me. I haven’t seen signs of a threat which for once is a nice relief. However, the further we go it seems to be getting foggy.

My comm crackles as if someone is joining our channel, dragging me from my thoughts.

"Havoc-2. The Fourth sun is setting. Plan double zero" Hunter’s voice.

"Copy that" Tech replies.

"What's ‘plan double zero’?" I stop and spin around to face him, cocking my head.

"It means 'go radio silent'. Comm channels are being monitored" Tech explains. Dread spreads through my gut.

My HUD indications start lighting, picking up on something moving ahead of us in the trees, "Osik (shit)...We're being followed" I practically whisper yell.

Drawing a blaster, I throw up a hand signal for them to stop. Tip toeing on bent knees, I quietly continue forward into the brush.

I don’t get too far when I finally find our tail. An older human man cowers below me with my blaster in his face. Echo and Tech are ragged breaths behind me.

"He could be working with the Empire" Echo cautioned.

"Me?" Asks the old man. They debate with the man for a moment but I stop listening because it's pointless.

"Alright look” I snap. “We don't have time for this. I say we tie him up and leave him here. By the time we’re gone he can free himself."

Two visors snap my direction. I shrug. Tech turns back to the man.

”Where is the nearest place to find shelter?”

The man gestures towards my blaster. "Well it's a little hard to think with her pointing a blaster at me."

“I really don’t know what you thought was going to happen when you were tailing us.” I nudge closer and he scrambles back in response. Seeing his eyes widen in fear is enough that he likely won’t try anything. Slowly I lower my blaster but don’t holster it.

The man smiles, "Much appreciated, but sorry to say there's no shelter around these parts.”

Tech does something on his datapad. I scan for more heat signatures. There could be more people waiting for us.

"I'm registering a heat source 200 meters west of here. I suspect it is your domicile." "How did you-" the man starts, his facial expression is priceless.

"Take us there" Echo commands. The man who reluctantly complies.

----

Once we make it to the old man - who told us his name is Romar - place, we relax. A little.

"So, the Mandalorian I get-” Romar starts. I shake my head in offense. “-but what you're telling me is that your rogue clones running from the Empire. Who used to be the Republic?" Romar asks.

I sigh, becoming more annoyed by the second. I've been listening to them explain our situation the whole way here. Leaving him tied up still seems like it would have been the better option.

"Correct. You finally got it right" Tech says taking a seat and removing his helmet, exhaustion plasters his face.

Strolling around Romar’s home its clear he’s not much of a threat. Various personal items are scattered all over. My curiosity gets the best of me I explore, drowning out their conversation. Family heirlooms? I’m not really sure but there’s a series a photos that makes my chest feel unbearably tight. This man must have lost his family. Considering how there's not evidence of anyone else living here.

I pull myself away from the photos, forcing myself to tune back in.

"We?" Asked Echo.

"The other survivors who fled the destruction." Romar says matter of factly.

A glance at Echo and Tech. Trouble. They could be a problem for us if they find out about us. Time for a subject change.

“So what's the deal with the war chests?”

"You think Dooku funded his war effort by only stealing from outside worlds?" He raises his voice. "No. He took from us, his own people. His quest for power is why our city is now buried in rubble."

“I’m shocked you and the others haven’t decided to take it back.”

Romar shakes his head, "I want none of it. Let the Empire take it. The sooner they're gone, the better. And the same goes for you. No offense". Romar glances at me with the last part as if I’m the biggest trouble. "Now if you'll excuse me, some of us have work to do."

As he starts to walk away from Tech and Echo, I sit in front of him. ”Not so fast. How do I know you won’t alert someone we’re here?”

“I don’t want any more trouble than is already here” He replied with a sidelong look.

Seeing the truth in his eyes, I step out of his way and watch as he opens a hatch in the floor. With a quick glance it seems like some kind of food cellar. He looks back at me to see if I’ll make a move. Nodding that I trust him, he turns and disappears down the ladder.

Once he's out of earshot I turn to the others. "We can still scout the site to see if it's clear.” I slide my helmet off and take a seat next to Tech.

"I really don't think it's a good idea.” Echo sighs.

"So, what's the plan then?"

Tech - as if he is finishing a thought out loud - says "The war chest wasn't ours in the first place".

Echo stiffens. "Well, we would have made better use of it.”

"I am simply stating that without the funds from the war chest, We are no worse off than we were before.”

Pinching the bridge of my nose I curse to myself in mando’a. "For the love of all things. Not this again." They both ignore me.

Echo starts pacing with his helmet under one arm. "That's now how I see it. The Empire's growing stronger, and we're still doing nothing about it?" He waves his socket in the air, irritation radiating off him.

Before they can argue more, I step in "Wait, am I missing something?"

Echo scowls at me, "I just feel like we should be doing more to hurt the Empire".

I stand up and grab my helmet, "Then what are we waiting for." Moving for the door, Echo falls behind me.

"Where are you going?" Tech asks.

Echo without even looking back says "To check for patrols".

The two of us exit in silence before I decide to break it, "You think they'll be alright?"

"They'll be fine" he snaps back.

Sighing I slide on my helmet, "look if you don't want to talk about it, I get it but, we kind of need to be on the same page to survive this.” Listening to myself say those words is almost hilarious because I’ve already shut a number of them down for asking questions.

Echo stops and sighs, "Rex is out there trying to save our brothers from the Empire...and we're here. Running odd jobs for Cid.” There’s a deep pain in his voice. “My twin. Fives was his name. He died trying to save us and I’m here. Not doing anything to help the cause.”

”My family was on Mandalore during the bombardment. All of them. Kal’Buir, Ordo, Mereel, Prudii, Jaing, Kom’rk, and A’den. Along with all the others we go out. I have no family left.” I clamp my jaw shut trying to take it all back. The muscles in my jaw start to ache.

A moment of silence passes over the two of us. His body language seems more relaxed, yet I’m hating myself for letting that slip. Aspen is the only other person I’ve ever confided in.

Composing myself I continue. ”Timing is everything. The other clones made their choice and the Empire is planning to replace them with trained civilians anyway. Is it worth risking the family you still have?"

Echo sucks in a deep breath, taking in everything I just said. He smiles and looks down at me, "You know, you fit right in with us.”

His words hit me hard. I’ve known him for what? Not even two standard rotations and there's a shred of me that feels like I can call him a friend.

I laugh nervously, still trying to process. "A Mandalorian, and the 'Bad Batch' rogue clones? Cantinas all around the galaxy will hear the punchline to that joke."

Echo lets out a deep laugh, "Yeah, you got that right."

We patrol the area closer to Romar's home, in comfortable conversation. He even tells me more about Fives. I still can’t bring myself to talk about my family but he doesn’t ask. There aren’t even words for how good it feels to finally have a normal conversation. These guys aren't so bad. They’re just trying to find where they fit in this new galaxy. Kind of like me.

When we make it back to our temporary shelter, Tech and Romar are in conversation. I have no problem interrupting.

"All clear."

Our comms crackle like the channel is back open. “We're in position. Tech, send your coordinates." It's Hunter - We might actually get out of this.

"Transmitting."

"Coordinates received. We're heading your way."

"Go, I will catch up" Tech says to us.

I shake my helmeted head “Mm-mm, Nope. We go together.” My stance is naturally wide and for a split second I find myself reverting back to my days on Kamino. Giving instruction to all those Clone Troopers.

Echo gives a respectful solute and the two of us glance at Tech. His brows rise at my command but he nods. “Very well.”

“Time to bang out.” With a gloved hand in the air, index finger outstretched making a circular motion - the gesture a universal ‘rally’ symbol - a sense of pride washes over me. Kal’Buir would be proud. “Oya!”

————

Reaching the site of our crash landing, the container appears to be undisturbed and there’s no sign of the Empire.

”That’s odd, no? It’s been hours.” The second it came out of my mouth I knew I shouldn’t have opened it.

"Speeders on approach" Echo says whipping around.

“Slana’pir! (Piss off!)”

At the rate Tech is moving this won’t be good. They’re closing in too fast. “Take cover!”

The three of us scatter for cover. I find the nearest tree wide enough to conceal me and put it between me and the enemy. This is bad. This is bad. The sound of the speeders growing louder with their approach. Pressing my back into the trunk I try to calm my racing heart.

The speeders slow and come to a stop not terribly far from me. With a quick peak around the tree the troopers seem to be distracted by something. Tech I now realize is just off to my left and they haven’t seen him. Bending over Tech, grabs something before launching it at the troopers. They share a look before hopping off the speeders and making their way towards him.

With a quick prayer to whatever powers at be, I sneak out from cover to get myself into position behind the troopers. I still have no idea where Echo is and I can’t rely on the fact he knows what's going on. He very well might not.

The trooper further ahead disappears behind some brush. A loud crack follows. “Tech. Come in. Everything alright?” I murmur, hoping he got the upper hand.

Deciding to take on the second one, I draw a knife from behind my back and flip it a few times, eyeballing the shot. With the blade between my index finger and thumb, one quick flick of the wrist and a flash of silver, it buries itself into the trooper's back. He doubles over with a grunt.

"I'm doing well actually. Just making some friends" Tech sasses but sounds as though he’s struggling.

As I approach the trooper – now lying face down on the ground with my knife still in his back – Tech emerges from the brush, limping more heavily. I quickly retrieve the knife, wipe it clean, and return it to its sheath.

“Tech. Raven. Come in. You guys alright?” Echo comms us.

I glance at Tech. He nods and leans his weight against a tree. “Yeah fine. Where are you?”

“Troopers were assembling an eweb. I dealt with it.”

Offering Tech my help, he throws an arm over my shoulders and the two of us meet up with Echo. Who’s casually posed by the massive gun.

"Uh guys..." I say pointing to the gun ship in the distance.

Echo grabs the eweb, taking shots at the ship. Just then the sound of more speeders approaching.

“Can’t we catch a break!?”

With Echo focused on the gun ship, that leaves me and Tech to deal with the speeders.

"You have proved to be quite capable.” He glances over at the rope we left tied to the tree earlier. “Help me get the rope."

"Roger that.”

With the other end of the rope in hand, I tie it to the back of the speeder as Tech hops on. His grunt in frustration draws my attention. He’s on a speeder trying to pull the rope taught but its knot is coming undone on the other end.

"Hang on!" I yell, running for the tree and further securing it.

Once the speeders come into view it's too late. For them. “Go! Go! Go!” Tech hits the throttle pulling the rope as tight as it will go. Just when I think it's about to snap, the two troopers are sent from their speeders through the air. Once they’ve skidded to a haul, neither of them moves.

A smirk tugs at the corner of my lips. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every bit of watching that.

I was too caught up in what we had just done to notice the ship coming into view. The Marauder. Wrecker is waving at us from the top of the ramp.

"That...would be our ride" Tech says very matter of factly.

Next Chapter

Wattpad link here.

Taglist: (If you want to be added just let me know!) @cloneloverrrrr @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @idoubleswearimawriter @techs-goggles9902 @clonethirstingisreal

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eepyuii · 3 months

Text

frostbite — pt. 8

pairing ; childe x gender neutral! reader

content ; childhood friends to “rivals” to lovers, slowburn-ish

cw ; none

notes ; listen guys. i can explain. rly tho, i’ve been horribly busy with school stuff and for a long time i wasn’t rly inspired to write but i got SOME free time now and managed to finish this bad boy up!

sadly, kind of a boring chapter imo, just a LOT of continuing childe’s story quest. i’ve mentioned a bunch of times before how i hate writing by the quest dialogue and how tedious it is and i believe that’s partially why i couldn’t continue writing for a bit. anyway, i promise i’ll try to get the next chapter out sooner as next chapter WILL have some things i’m looking forward to writing LOL

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the bright high noon sun shines against the blades of grass in the hills of qingxu pool, making the greenery seem like shards of vibrant emerald. the very same sun, unfortunately, nearly causes you to melt right then and there- with impossible steep peaks to cross and a whole child in your arms to carry. teucer had fallen asleep in your arms somewhere along the trip and he still snores soundly as you round up to the location childe had referred to earlier and where you immediately spot him, as well as some other men.

“found him! there’s childe!” paimon exclaims as she floats on ahead, effectively waking up teucer at the mention. he tries to move around and gather in his surroundings within your hold, sleepy eyes adjusting to the light once more.

as you get closer to the group, you find that the men childe is speaking to are… treasure hoarders. and it certainly didn’t look like the friendliest of exchanges, some kind debt collecting that lunatic does. you hear half of a taunt coming from childe when you approach earshot.

“…i suppose i should forgive you country bumpkins for your ignorance, for i am-“

“brother!” teucer yells excitedly and the harbinger freezes in his tracks the next second.

“you’re selling them toys, aren’t you, brother? that’s so cool, i’ve always wanted to watch you work!”

childe stammers. “w-why yes, of course! for i am, uh…

…the greatest toy salesman in snezhnaya!”

oh, for the tsaritsa’s sake. this time, you truly cannot fight the involuntary reaction within your muscles to facepalm at his half-assed save, if you can even call it that. though, what makes it worse is when he raises his fists triumphantly, clapping as if there was nothing wrong with what he said.

“so cool!”

“…huh?” says one of the treasure hoarders.

“you playin’ games, pretty boy?” goes another and you snort at the nickname.

“so, will you buy, or not? the toys that snezhnaya produced three months ago will run you.. yes, six hundred thousand mora- to be paid in full.”

another treasure hoarder chokes on his breath. “t-toys..? a-and how much mora…?”

“wow, is that what it’s gonna cost to fix that head of yours?”

the three hoarders bark out in mocking laughter. childe doesn’t seem to be dissuaded in the slightest, in fact his eyes drop into a lethally serious glare.

“i’ll say it again- toys from snezhnaya. three months prior. six hundred thousand mora. paid in full.”

“yeah… no, sorry, salesboy. the same joke isn’t funny twice. or were you always cruisin’ for a bruisin’?”

the harbinger sighs. “alright then, i’ll make things a little easier for you- i’ll join the treasure hoarders. perhaps you’ll be more willing to pay when we’re brothers-in-arms?”

you frown, slightly skeptical of childe’s methods of negotiation. however, you know better than anyone that childe, for all that he seems, is not an idiot. he’s just as aware of the means as he is of the ends and he wouldn’t be making statements like those with such certainty for nothing.

“hah- would you listen t’yourself?! you think we just let any old person into the treasure hoarders? i’m not so sure you could hack it…”

“heh, well then, why don’t you put me to the test, dear seniors? i like to think of myself as quite talented in the field of treasure hunting.”

“hmm.. looks like you’re not gonna pack it up until someone packs you in. alright then, show us what you got.”

the leading treasure hoarder proceeds with the proposition of a challenge where childe would have to collect some loot on a nearby hill within a time limit set by them. while you could see the hill from where you were, it was impossibly far to reach on foot in such a short amount of time. a tinge of worry creeps into the back of your neck and you shoot childe a concerned look, which he receives like he’s perfectly understood your silent doubts.

in return, he only cheekily winks to you and takes off.

he expertly uses the powerful gusts of wind shooting nearby to cut the path toward the hill in short and before you can even think of keeping track of his movements, he’s back with a small chest in hand- nonchalantly brushing dust off his uniform.

“well, i have the goods, here you go. so how’d i do? pretty well, i’d say.” childe smirks.

one of the other treasure hoarders starts sweating and whispers worryingly over to his fellow bandit. the leader turns back to childe, somewhat containing his shock.

“please… hold on a moment, sir. we need to discuss something amongst ourselves.”

the three turn to a small circle, where they mutter back and forth to each other, unintelligibly to you. periodically, one of the hoarders throws childe a quick, fearful look to ensure that he’s not becoming impatient- lest something freakier than his show of inhuman speed happens. finally, the leader turns back.

“so, mister.. salesman. my apologies but we can’t have you joining us.”

“oh? i didn’t pass? i must say i never imagined that the treasure hoarders would have such strict entry requirements…” childe replies unimpressed.

“no, i-it’s not that- ..what we mean is you’re too big a fish for our little pond. but we fully understand the situation with the uh… toys, sir. we’ll fetch that six hundred thousand mora for you right away.”

you scoff, shaking your head incredulously at how… somehow childe managed to get his way with such a ridiculous front to impress his brother. teucer, on the other hand, could not be happier with the outcome.

“that’s my brother for you! toy sellers are so cool!”

some rustling of grass from behind you grabs your attention and you instinctively tense your shoulders, hand ready and reaching out towards teucer if you had to protect him from an unexpected ambush by the sour treasure hoarders. fortunately, the arriving individual turns out to be a familiar fatui employee, felix. he recognizes your presence with a curt bow-like gesture before directing himself towards the harbinger.

“ah, master childe, you’re here. a new batch of fresh recruits have just-“

“hey now, keep your voice down. can’t you see i’m entertaining some clients over here?”

“clients? well uh… the motherland has dispatched a new batch of recruits to liyue. they’ve just arrived and i’m afraid we must ask you to speak to them.”

“ugh, do i have to? now is hardly the best time…”

you decide to interject with a suggestion. “couldn’t signora give them the initiation? she’s also an acting superior here in liyue.”

felix shakes his head. “i’m afraid the fair lady has already returned to the palace to attend to other affairs.”

dammit, you really couldn’t keep track of that woman. both you and childe seem to simultaneously deflate slightly at the news, as if you’d both imagined at the same time how hard it’d be to keep teucer satisfied and ignorant towards the truth with so many predicaments.

“i truly must apologize for troubling you, master childe, but they are already waiting for you south of lingju pass. every new batch of recruits must be baptized by the tsaritsa’s will through the words of her harbingers. this has always been our rule.”

childe groans and rolls his eyes petulantly.

“well, alright then, i’ll go. just give me a moment to catch up with my brother and i’ll be right with you.”

“do you have to keep working?” teucer finally speaks up, with his saddened tone from earlier returning.

“yes teucer, we have a group of new toy sellers fresh from the motherland and i need to go teach them the ropes.”

“that’s great! when i grow up, i wanna be a toy seller too. can i go listen?”

you stammer to answer quickly. “ah- maybe not now, teuce’. you’re still a little too young for that, bud.”

childe nods in agreement. “besides, most of it is rather boring. why don’t you go play with y/n and the traveler instead? sound good?”

teucer shoots out the most impossibly heart wrenching combo of big eyes and a pout towards his brother. “b-but.. but…”

“i really do have to go, teucer. a lot of people are waiting to see me. i’ll see you around, alright?”

the boy sighs melancholically and for a moment you do understand his side of the situation, but again you’re reminded of the harsh reality of the fatui and how hard it must be, no- how hard it has been to keep such a young, adventurous kid oblivious to all of it. it truly has not been easy for childe for his little brother to show up so absurdly unannounced.

the traveler and paimon are a few feet away, whispering to each other while teucer still sulks, and you catch a bit of their conversation.

“to think he’d go this far just to prevent his family from seeing his… dark side.”

“i wonder how much longer he can hide it from teucer…” the traveler responds.

“paimon wonders too. but hey, let’s at least help him

out while we’re out in liyue…

wait- where’s teucer?”

panic shoots up your spine chillingly and you turn around to where he just was, to find nothing. the few seconds you’d kept your eye off him he disappears. you scan the grasslands for teucer almost involuntarily, but no sign of him at all.

“ugh.. we were too busy chatting! where’d he go?”

you sigh frustratedly and stomp down the hill, eyes still vigilant. “dammit, i shouldn’t have taken my eyes off of him while he was still upset. not even for one second… of course he’s going after childe.”

—

“…from this day forward, you will honor the oaths you have made to her majesty the tsaritsa and you will stop at nothing to bring snezhnaya victory.”

you can still taste the very same oath you swore years ago on your tongue. you still remember how tense your shoulders stayed and shaky the fist held to your heart was, how harsh and vile the words of the fatui initiation sounded coming out of dottore’s mouth. and now, they sound just as sharp coming from childe- you find that it gives you an unpleasant feeling in your chest.

teucer and childe, and consequently the new recruits, were not at all hard to find. you approach the gathering to see teucer propped up on a nearby rock, head held in his hands as he attentively watched the ceremony. you truly wish you’d kept your eye on teucer before and stopped him from coming here. it’s hard to be reminded of childe’s cold and devoted demeanor when it came to the tsaritsa- though, cold and devoted is what you could call any of her followers.

for some reason, the occasion causes you to pause and watch a bit of the procedure yourself, but you don’t focus on how intense the harbinger’s words are, nor on how the recruits react to it. no, instead you focus on childe’s scars.

they’re so evenly distributed throughout his body, or at least what you can see of it, that it almost seems intentional. at any other time, you would’ve thought them to be artistic and beautif- but err, uhm… but now they only look like glaring reminders of childe’s nature as the tsaritsa’s weapon of war. you’ve always thought that was a baffling title to have.

you notice teucer stand up to wave to his brother in the distance.

“…for the trials that we face are harsh, and the enemies are like- ..ehm,”

childe also looks over to where you were at that very second, catching onto teucer’s excited movements. his eyes asses your group, then they trail over to you and the seconds where your eyes meet seems to last longer than it should- there’s a shocked shift in his gaze and it’s then that you realize you’d been frowning this whole time. the harbinger then regards his brother’s presence and he stutters on his sentence.

“a-ahem, like… kites a-and rattle drums.. who shall become redoubtable foes of mr. cyclops in the marketplaces of liyue..!”

you hear teucer approve of his message right next to you, although the recruits don’t seem entirely sold.

“this is, of course, an analogy. as they say, ‘the marketplace, too, is a battlefield.’”

nobody says that.

“so, as your… sales manager here in liyue, i demand that you obey my every order! a refusal shall be considered a betrayal, and the price for betrayal is to be dishonorably discharged from.. a-ahem, the institute of toy research.”

this time, he can’t stupidly get away with this, as both teucer and the recruits seem queasy about the statement- much to childe’s dismay. he looks down for a moment as if to consider his options and shoots up again.

“eh.. uh… forget it! perhaps a round of hands-on training will suit us better!”

just how in teyvat is this guy your superior?

as if everything could not become any more absurd, childe’s proposal seemed to utterly please the new recruits- they whisper and rave to each other about the huge honor that it would be to fight with the eleventh harbinger. you could see the duels’ ends before they even began, with all of these poor newbies licking the dirt as they’re kicked into ground by childe with minimal effort.

just as expected, it’s over rather quickly- though the recruits do hold up their own for longer than you anticipated against someone like childe.

“well then, do you all understand what i said earlier?” childe interrogates with nonchalant confidence, as if he wasn’t slipping up and stumbling on his own words earlier.

“yes, sir!” the recruits heave out exhaustedly.

“excellent, and you all almost managed to get me limbered up. in other words, you’ve done well- for new recruits.”

“thank you, lord harbinger!”

childe gives the recruits some more encouragement before dismissing them as soon as possible. once they take off, teucer takes the opportunity to run up and tell his brother how amazing he was just then.

“teucer- what in the world are you doing here? there i was thinking that these three had taken you to play at wangshu inn, aha!” childe says, the latter sentence is pointed, much like his subtle glare up at the three of you.

“you really did get stronger.” the traveler admits with dignity and childe’s ego, as if it hadn’t been inflated enough by the drooling recruits just now, seems to swell.

“hah, i told you, didn’t it? i never pass on an opportunity to improve my strength. i’m not the

man i was when we first met.”

“you didn’t go all out, though.” she teases.

“by that, i assume you mean i didn’t use foul legacy transformation, yes?”

“it puts a great strain on my body, so it’s best saved for crucial moments.”

your eyes lower into a warning glare, thought playful one. “as if i’d ever let you use it in a situation like this.”

childe laughs with his full chest, amused at your quip.

“ahaha! yes, that much is true. if it hadn’t been for y/n’s medical prowess, i’d still be ways in recovery from the injuries i sustained back at the golden house. and they wouldn’t be a very good medic if they just let me slow down my own healing process, now, would they?”

you two share a knowing look and you give him an approving nod- and as everyone follows suit to look over to you, you fold your arms and pose out proudly, fully drinking up the praise towards your skill.

“anyway, i’m no signora. i don’t use lethal force against recruits, come on now…”

teucer scratches his chin in confusion. “the foul legacy transformation? does it make you stronger than mr. cyclops?”

“ahah… you could say that.” paimon laughs awkwardly.

“i wanna learn how to fight too! i wanna be cool like you!”

“now teucer, fighting isn’t about looking cool. you can only continue to get stronger if you know the reason why you’re fighting.” childe gestures to his younger brother in a lecturing manner.

“i can teach you. but think carefully first- why do you want to fight?”

“i…”

“hm?”

“..i want to protect sister tonia.”

the breath is taken from your chest for a moment. you don’t know what exactly you were expecting teucer’s answer to be but it was certainly not that. it’s so noble and honest and so… ajax, in a sense. you can’t describe what it is, but it sends you back to the times where you and ajax would have late-night deep talks inside pillow forts, whenever he slept over at your house. you’d deliberate about your lives and ambitions and you’d hear ajax express how much he aspired to become like the heroes in his father’s tales. courageous and selfless, so he could brace his fears and protect his loved ones. it’s uncertain if childe recalls the same memory as you, but he’s just as visibly pleased with teucer’s answer.

he pats the younger boy on the top of his head tenderly. “that’s a good answer teucer. when i return to snezhnaya, i will start teaching you fighting techniques.

then, you’ll have to protect tonia for me- how does that sound?”

“hehe, leave it to me!”

“you’ve had a nice long time here in liyue, haven’t you? isn’t it about time you took the boat back home?”

teucer pouts. “but, but… but you’ve been so busy, and we didn’t get any time to play together yet..”

“teucer, you know i’m very busy at work.. and hasn’t it been fun traveling all over the place with y/n and two proper travelers?”

you can tell childe feels like he hasn’t spent enough time with his brother either, but his worry about keeping up the toy seller appearance to protect teucer overcomes him. today has been nothing but close calls for him.

“w-well, how ‘bout this? if you just do one little thing for me, i’ll be a good boy and go back home!”

“oh dear, who taught this little devil to bargain.. alright, what’ll it be?” childe chuckles.

“take me to visit the institute of toy research!”

what? surely he doesn’t mean the research lab… once again, childe seems to have the same thought as you and you take the opportunity to throw him an incredulous, threatening look- as if to tell him ‘this might be your most gods awful idea yet if you take him there..’, but seemingly to no avail.

“done deal. after all, you’ve come all this way for me, teucer…”

childe persuades the traveler and paimon into taking teucer back to the facility at lingju pass and they take off soon after. you decide to stay behind and hopefully steer the harbinger away from the idea and he only faces you in waiting, like he already expects you to reprimand him. you cross your arms disappointedly and sigh.

“you know what i’m about to say to you, right?”

“hm, i might have an idea or two but just-“

“childe, that’s not just some abandoned facility for tourists to frolic inside- it’s dottore’s research lab and it’s active! if the machines inside that place don’t crush us all the second we walk inside, then surely my boss will do worse to us if we put anything out of place. i mean, this whole ordeal started because i had to go regulate the lab, then we found teucer and had to take him elsewhere so nothing bad would happen, who in their right mind-“

two strong, gloved hands come up to hold either side of your face.

the touch is somehow firm enough to effectively shut you up and hold up your head as to fully face childe, but still gentle enough as to not hurt or startle you. the committer of the act stares you right in the eyes, a doting look is apparent on his own azure gaze.

“y/n. answer this simply, do you trust me?”

there’s a pause as you process the development of the literal last 3 seconds and think of an answer- though the distracting, fluttering sensation in your chest also factors in the time you take to actually speak.

“w-well, it’s- it’s not about trusting you or-“

“do. you. trust. me?”

another pause. you look into his eyes as deep as you can and search for anything that says that maybe there’s an off-chance you shouldn’t trust him, but there’s nothing. he’s shown himself more than capable of steering situations back in his control today and it doesn’t need to be spoken how serious he is about protecting his family, even a scratch on teucer’s cheek would be a last case scenario to him. you sigh.

“i trust you, ajax.”

taglist ; @kentply @osaemu @rain-and-a-nice-nap @koichirana

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dayedreamm · 3 months

Text

Unexpected Crushes Chapter 2

blk fem OC x paige bueckers

warnings: swearing (i think)

Chapters: 1 | 2 |

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“Wait uconn” imani says kind of shock “thats far from where you are” she says sadly. Although talia continues “yeah it is but… Ipromise we will talk and we could even possibly meet up one day Ipromise “ she says to reassure you.

flashback ends

I believed her… we were friends at the time…I mean who wouldnt believe their true best friend right?

Well I shouldn't have.

4 months later

Welp im here now at uconn. Friendless. Betrayed. Alone.

“Cheer up kid you'll make new friends here, i never really liked talia anyway” my mother says to reassure me. I gave her a so-so nod as if agreeing with her statement i was tired, the drive down here was no joke and now I wanted to sleep. Sadly I still had to unpack in my dorm.. Maybe my roommate wont be here and i wont have any human interaction. Wrong. We walked in my mother helping with my bags, and im am greeted with a smiling girl with her dreads in a ponytail. ‘Great … just how i wanted to start off the day’ I thought to myself “hi nice to meet you my name is kamora but everyone calls me KK” she says cheerfully. I tried not to be a bitch my roomate sounded nice and I should reciprocate that same feeling. “Hey my name is Imani” i said trying to sound as cheerful. I could feel my mothers stares behind me telling me to fix my face but i tried the best i could. Getting stabbed in the back by your best friend didnt exactly put a smile on your face. Although, it was months later and i should be getting better. So i guess ill try now with this new roomate.

1 week later

(here are some inspos of what i was thinking)

—

Once i finished i headed off to the game with one of my friends from my business class. We walked to the pavilion and grabbed some seates a bit early so we could see the game better. As we took our seats they were nearing the end of their warmups as KK waves to me with a little smile on her face, i smile and wave back, but not before a curious blonde sees this interaction and questions it.

Paige POV

I see my teammate and one of my besfriends KK smile and wave toward the audience, and when i turn my eyes i am met with a beautiful woman. I mean she stole my whole attention for a good 5 seconds before kk had to grab my shoulder. “Yo you good” KK says to me. “Yea im fine, whos that girl you were waving to” i said a bit dazed. “Oh thats my roommate, who is also my friend shes really cool you should meet her.. I think she might also be your type” KK says excitedly wiggling her eyebrows. I punch her arm teasingly, i cant even say shes lying this girl is very attractive and certainly has my attention. “Whats her n-” but before i could even ask the question our coach geno calls us over for a team huddle. I jog my way over but not before looking at her and winking in her direction.

Imani POV

I look back at the courts to see a blonde staring at me and sending a wink over my way, she was very attractive and had me blushing in my seat, which i think she knew because she smirked and turned away. “Oooh someones got a crush” one of my friends says in my ear. I jump back at her words “who? Who are you talking about” i say defensively. “Obviously the blondie who was giving you googlie eyes down there” the same friend says to me. “You think shes hot atleast” my other friend asks me. “I obviously dont know her yet but if she is into girls i think shes pretty attractive, whats her name anyway” i ask out of curiosity

“Paige bueckers”

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ok bae was finally introduceddddd, also did yall see that chegg comercial she looked so good, but anyways thanks for reading

leave some suggestions of any imagines you may want

Dayedreammm outtie💖

#paige bueckers #paige #wbb #uconn wbb #uconn huskies

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babymetaldoll · 1 year

Text

Baby, I'm yours: - Chapter six: "Never forget I'm your man"

Summary: Spencer has been preparing a surprise for his cherie. The team gets a 5 am call that puts everybody on edge.

Warning: Extreme fluff, smut (p in v), cursing, and that's it.

Word count: 10.1K

A/N: Honestly, this was self-indulging to write, and I hope you all enjoy it. Likes, comments and reblogs are always welcome!

Btw, if you want the whole trip to Hawaii story, you can read the one shot here

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

(Y/N)'s point of view

After a few weeks, I must say living with Spencer felt like it wasn't anything new. And don't get me wrong, it's not that it wasn't exciting, 'cos it was! What I mean is that it felt right, like what I had always been supposed to do. Yes, sometimes it felt like we needed more room, but we didn't care. His apartment was perfect for the two of us. We would spend the weekends cuddled on the couch, reading or watching old movies. Or kissing. Sometimes all three. It was our own paradise, our little piece of heaven we didn't want to tell anyone from work about. Between those walls, there were no cases, no sorrows, and no pain. Just us, in love, enjoying our company.

Yet still, we could feel the emptiness and sorrow of Emily's loss, and we discovered that sharing time with JJ and Will helped us. Taking Henry out to the park, or just having brunch together on Sunday. We knew she missed her as much as we did, and she became a big support for us during that period.

Morgan was going through his grieving alone though. He was mad at the world for taking Emily, and I completely understood his struggle. Penelope was always there for him, and I was glad those two could count on each other. It felt somehow similar to what Spencer and I had, though they weren't a couple: no matter what, they were always there for each other.

Except for that minute, when Spencer was nowhere to be found. It was Thursday night, and after he finished work, he rushed out of the bullpen telling me he had to attend yet another seminar. He had three seminars and a congress in the last three weeks and thought he promised he would be back home for dinner, it was already nine, and Spencer Walter Reid was nowhere to be seen. I texted him, but he didn't even read the message.

I stared at the kitchen and sighed. The primavera stuffed chicken was ready. I was turning into a Pinterest housewife who loved trying new recipes at least twice a week, or when work allowed me to. Spencer often joked his vest was going to start getting too tight if I continued cooking like that. That wasn't going to stop me, by the way.

- "Pumpkin! I'm home!"- Spencer announced as soon as he opened the front door.

- "Hey honey bunny! How was the seminar?"

- "Boring!"- my boyfriend walked to me as I set the table, and wrapped his arms around me- "I just wanted to come home and be with you."

- "Really? But you just sat next to me the entire day at work"- I felt his lips assaulting my neck as he chuckled and soon reached my mouth, holding my face with both hands, trapping me. As if I planned to move away from him.

- "The work time is not enough. Besides, I couldn't even kiss you. That's unfair"- and so, Spencer kissed me even deeper, and with more passion. As if he hadn't actually seen me three hours earlier.

- "Ready for dinner?"- I whispered as I parted from him slowly. If we didn't stop that kiss there, we were never going to eat.

- "Starving."

- "Go wash your hands while I finish here."

- "Yes ma'am"- Spencer pecked my lips and smiled before walking to the bathroom. I stared at him for a second and sighed. I never thought I could be so happy.

- "Hello?"- I picked up the phone as I reheated the mashed potatoes.

- "Hey nugget! What's up!"

- "Paco! I haven't heard from you in over two weeks, what happened? Were you mad? Abducted? New girlfriend?"- I heard my friend laughing at the other side of the line as I opened the oven and took out the chicken.

- "Neither, just lots of work. But I have great news, we are playing this Saturday in the Black Cat at eight, and you and the doc are officially invited to join us."

- "Sounds good! I haven't seen you play live in what feels like ages!"

- "I know, Mikey said he doesn't even remember your face."

- "How is my baby?"

- "I saw him earlier at rehearsal. He is ok, still dating the girl you didn't like, so please be nice and ignore her Saturday if she shows up."

- "Damn! Can't she get sick or something?"- Frank giggled. I knew he didn't like Mikey's girlfriend either, but I would always be the cruel one. He used to say a was a very jealous friend, but I wasn't usually wrong when I didn't like one of their dates.

- "I dunno, cross your fingers she doesn't want to go. Why do you hate her by the way?"

- "She looks like a gold digger to me."

- "It's not like Mikey is loaded."- Paco chuckled at his words and I simply sighed as I checked on dinner.

- "Yeah, but he is making good money and she seems to be very high maintenance. The last time I talked to Mikey, he told me he had bought her a new iPhone."

- "And little shit made me pay for pizza earlier!"- I laughed and grabbed a few dishes.

- "Well, if we don't have to catch any psycho killer, I promise we'll be there, front row, clapping and cheering you, as always."

- "Thank you nugget. I knew I could count on you. And how's doc?"

- "Good, he just got home and we are about to have dinner."

- "Give him my regards. I will leave you to enjoy your evening with your man. Love you!"

- "Love you, Paco. See you soon!"

Lucky for Frank, that weekend we didn't have to leave town, and after Spending most of the morning in bed, reading, drinking coffee, and making love, Spencer finally let me out of the sheets and into the shower.

- "I thought we could have some dinner before going to see the band"- he said as he drove through town.

- "Sounds good, I'm starving. Where do you wanna go?"

- "I dunno... let's see what we can find."- my boyfriend gave me a mysterious grin and held my hand.

- "Where are you taking me, Spencer?"

- "You'll see."

After less than half an hour, he parked outside the 24/7 dinner I used to frequent a lot when I was at the academy, 'cos it kept me sugar-loaded and caffeine high.

- "Hey, I remember this place."- I said as soon as we walked in.

- "Do you, really?"- Spencer's lips curved in a tiny smirk as he stared at me.

- "Yes, we came here after that party in Garcia's when I first joined the team."

- "Yes, we did"- Spencer grinned and pointed to an empty booth- "And I will forever consider that night as our first date."

- "Really?"- I sat and looked at him, raising an eyebrow- "You were aware back then I was dating someone else, right honey?"

- "I do. But I also know you never loved Paul"- I blushed and nodded. Though I knew it was true, it was very different when Spencer pointed it out. And even weirder when he remarked it with a cocky smile on his lips.

- "Are you implying I already loved you back in those days?"

- "Did you?"

- "I don't remember..."- I teased and he chuckled.

- "Well, I already knew you were the most special woman I had ever met."

- "I had been on the team just for four weeks or so."

- "And?"

- "You are full of shit, Spencer!"- I chuckled and he laughed- "Are you trying to tell me you've always loved me?"

- "You know I have, from day one."- he held my hand and kissed it- "It's true. I'm not telling you this 'cause I think you need to hear it. I wanted you to know 'cos that's how we all feel."

- "Can I take your order?"- a waitress interrupted us and forced us to pay attention to the menu instead. Spencer asked for a cheese sandwich and I ordered a burger, plus two cupcakes and two cups of coffee. Yes, we were hungry, but in our defense, we had spent most of the day in bed, naked.

- "That day you told me something I never forgot."- I whisper and keep staring at my hands as we wait for our food.

- "I remember I told you you had been an incredible addition to the team, and that your linguistic knowledge was a great tool to crack cases."- he said and rested his hands on mine, making me see one more time, how tiny my hands were compared to his.

- "No, you thanked me for being nice to you, even though you were a barely tolerable person. And I remember thinking how could you say that if you were the only person in the whole FBI I wanted to hang out and be friends with since day one."

- "See? You did always love me."- Spencer smiled and I shook my head.

- "I also remember thinking you had the most beautiful smile ever, but I didn't tell you 'cos I didn't want to make you nervous."

- "You made me nervous anyway, chipmunk"- Spencer chuckled and added- "You told me you liked my random facts, so from that day on I've tried to give you at least one fact every day. And you always seemed sincerely interested in what I was saying. I never really had a chance, chipmunk, I know I've fallen in love with you every day since the first time we talked."

I stared into his eyes and bit my lips, thinking no one had ever said to me anything nearly as romantic and sincere as Spencer had said. He smiled and so did I, fighting the tears in my eyes.

- "You are very romantic tonight, honey bunny."

- "Yes, I am, ma cherie. Let's say tonight I am happy I have you with me, and I just want to make you happy."

- "If I had known that was your plan, I would have never left that bed."- my boyfriend chuckled and blushed, funny how he could be so bold at times, and still, be the shy man I had fallen in love with over five years before.

We ate our dinner remembering the first year we worked together. All the midnight cupcakes we shared all over the country when we were out of the city for a case, and neither of us could sleep. And for the first time ever since we were a couple, we analyzed our trip to Hawaii and how much we both suffered for being fools in love. We had a very nice evening, it was so amusing to finally share what was going on in each other's heads during the time, I was really enjoying my time.

Spencer's point of view

That night I was freaking out. Three weeks in the making were about to pay off, and I was terrified anything could go wrong. And the worst part was having to lie to (Y/N). I had to use all my profiler's tactics to keep her in the dark about what was going on. The escapades after work, pretending I had to attend a congress or seminars, sneaking to work on a secret project I had for her, everything was going to come out to the light that night, and I needed everything to be perfect.

- "Do you wanna know what was infuriating all the years we were just friends?"- (Y/N) asked and took a spoon of her brownie and ice cream.

- "Do tell, ma cherie."

- "The fact you were oblivious to all the girls flirting with you! And I was always so mad and jealous!"

- "No one ever flirted with me! Ever!"- I excused myself, shocked.

- "You made out with Lila Archer in a pool!"

- "Ok! That was the only time!"

- "You got that waitress's phone number 'cos you did that magic trick for her!"

- "I was working!"

- "Sure thing! How long did you keep the card with the kiss she sent you? It was on your desk, on display!"- I laughed and shook my head, denying any interest in that woman.

- "I forgot about it!"

- "Of course, Mr eidetic memory!"- I chuckled and watched her smiling at me, looking honestly happy.

- "I don't know why you are whining so much, during our trip to Hawaii I had to keep the guys away from you! If I remember clearly, I had to pretend I was your husband many times during those days"- (Y/N) blushed immediately and shook her head.

- "I only said that to that first guy 'cos I really wanted it to be our honeymoon"- I hear her confess after all those years- "I tried to get your attention the entire time, and you didn't even look at me."

- "Didn't look at you? I couldn't keep my eyes from you!"- my voice was so loud I nearly shrieked, as my ears and face turned blood red immediately- "I was so in love with you, and there you were, walking around almost naked! Every day you wore a smaller outfit than the previous, you were driving me insane!"

- "What?"- She widened her eyes, absolutely surprised by my confession. I couldn't believe she had never noticed.

- "I had to take cold showers at least twice a day!"

- "I was sure you hated being there with me!"

- "I hated not being able to touch you!"- I held her hand, chuckling as I let my fingers linger from hers to her arm, caressing her soft skin- "Maybe that is why now is so hard for me to keep my hands from you."- (Y/N) smiled and sighed, staring into my eyes. I tried to look confident and calm, though I was neither of those things that night.

- "I was so in love with you back then"- my girlfriend whispered- "So in love in fact, it hurt."

- "I felt exactly the same"- I kiss her fingers softly and smiled- "We were really fools in love, ma cherie."

- "Fools, blind, stubborn... you name it. I'm glad those days are over."

- "Me too."- I stared at her in silence, gathering the courage to say the following words- "Ready to go to the show?"- she smiled and nodded, and I quickly raised my arm to get the check. It was almost time. And I still wasn't sure how I was going to pull the strength to do what I had planned for the last few weeks.

The bar was crowded, which worked perfectly for the plan, but it made me feel sick in the stomach. There were a lot of people, and if things didn't go well, I was going to be embarrassed in front of them all. I looked around as we walked in, making sure everything was perfect.

- "Is it just me or does this place seems cleaner than usual?"- (Y/N) asked, staring at the hundred fairy lights around us.

- "Maybe there is new management"- I suggested, and she seemed to find my answer logical 'cos she just nodded, holding my hand tight to not lose me in the crowd. Again, there were so many people there that night! Why?

- "Wanna get a drink?"- I asked her, sort of yelling to make sure she heard me in the crowd and pointed at the bar. She just nodded with a smile and walked there with me.

We stood in front of the stage, each one of us holding a drink. I looked at the instruments and felt the air leaving my lungs. But I couldn't chicken out of it.

- "Did you see the sign that said "Absolutely no crowd surfing or stage diving"?"- (Y/N) asked, giggling- "I am pretty sure they put that after the last time the guys played here!"

I heard her laughing, but I keep staring around me, trying to convince myself this is going to go well.

- "Hey, I was thinking tomorrow we could have brunch with JJ and Will. I miss her."- she added suddenly- "Unless you have some other plans for us."- I shook my head, licking my lips, still looking around me.

- "Sounds good."

- "Are you ok, honey?"- (Y/N) asked and touched my arm- "You look pale."

- "Me? Really? No, I'm ok."

I smiled, making my best to look natural. But I bet she was right, I must be pale. When you're scared, blood flow increases to your vital organs as part of the fight or flight response, while the blood vessels constrict in other areas, like the surface of your skin. And when your skin gets less blood flow, your complexion turns pale. I thought I could explain to her what was going on, but that was a very bad idea. I couldn't tell her why I was so nervous.

- "Sure?"- she asked and looked at me, concerned.

- "Yeah, I'm perfect. Don't worry, chipmunk."

And just as I said those words, the band walked onto the stage, and everybody started clapping, (Y/N) included. She actually started shouting in support. Mikey looked at her right away and chuckled, waving before grabbing his bass.

- "Hi, I'm Frank. These are my friends."- Frank announced on the mic, and avoided looking at the crowd.

- "Go Paco!!"- and he turned and looked at my girlfriend, smiling.

It's hard to believe both Frank and Mikey still got nervous before a show, considering they did it at least three times a month. Well, and if they still got nervous before performing, what else could I expect from myself that night?

The first three songs passed way too fast. (Y/N) sang along and jumped the entire time. At least she was enjoying the show. I looked around and noticed everybody was there too. Penelope and Morgan were with JJ at the back of the place. Hotch and Rossi stood at the end of the bar. And Lu was on one side of the stage, taking pictures of the band. I jumped a little, just to make sure I still could move.

None of them knew what was gonna happen, and I wondered what Rossi had thought when he stepped into the bar. It was clearly not the type of places he frequented, the same as Hotch, JJ, Garcia, and Morgan. Honestly, the only person who took me to these bars was (Y/N), to enjoy local bands, which I actually liked a lot after all those years. The first couple of times she took me to bars with live rock shows I thought she was trying to prank me. Then I realized people were nice, and no one was gonna beat me, and I finally got to relax, and enjoy the shows.

- "What are we doing here, pretty boy?"- Morgan texted me and I chuckled.

- "Please don't tell me we've got a case"- (Y/N) asked as soon as she noticed I had my phone in my hand.

- "No, Morgan wanted to talk to me. I'm gonna give him a call outside, I'll be right back, ok? Wait right here!"- she nodded and continued watching the show. I walked to a side of the stage and made my way to the back without being seen by my girlfriend, who luckily was really into the show to notice me.

Mikey walked all over the stage as Frankie sang and played guitar. The fact he wasn't the best lead singer, but still everybody enjoyed watching him perform was encouraging. It almost gave me hope.

- "Ok kids, this is the last song!"- Frank announced on the mic and I started jumping on my spot. This was it, I was doing this, it was real.

- "And we are gonna do something kinda different for once. First, I wanna invite my dear friend Shawn to come to the stage with us and join us on the keyboards."- the crowd clapped and cheered, at least they were all being nice.

- "And also, we've got a very special guest tonight. He is my brother, one of my best friends, and the nicest guy I've ever met! Come here before I start sucking your dick, Doctor Spencer Reid!"

I don't know how I managed to move and walked up to the stage. The lights blinded me as soon as I stood in front of everybody, and Frank tapped on my back, helping me to move until I reached the mic, the one he quickly started adjusting to my height. I looked at the crowd and tried to find my girlfriend, who waved and stared at me in shock. I smiled at her and took a deep breath.

- "Hi, my name is Spencer Reid"- I said into the mic and my voice started shaking- "And tonight I wanna dedicate a song to the love of my life, my girlfriend (Y/N)."

I could see her face blushing as she kept looking at me in shock. I was shocked I was going that as well, so we definitely shared the feeling. Shawn started playing the keyboard, I looked at Frank and Mikey and the two of them smiled at me, so I just grabbed the mic and started singing.

Don't wish it away

Don't look at it like it's forever

Between you and me, I could honestly say

That things can only get better

I know I was way out of tune, my voice was shaking, as well as my knees, and I can't hold a note for the life of me. But I looked at my girlfriend, who was still shocked to see me on stage and noticed her big, beautiful smile. And that's all I needed to continue singing with all my heart.

And while I'm away

Dust out the demons inside

And it won't be long before you and me run

To the place in our hearts where we hide

Surprisingly, and despite how awful of a singer I am, the crow started cheering. I could see Hotch and Rossi clapping, along with Morgan from the bar, as Penelope kept recording everything. I chuckled as I heard them cheering and focused my entire attention on (Y/N)'s eyes. I was scared she would freak out and run out of the bar. And that wasn't even the most stressful part of my plan. What did I get into? I didn't care at that moment, because I knew she was totally worth any sacrifice.

(Y/N)'s point of view

What on earth was Spencer doing on that stage? Why was he doing that?! How the fuck did Frank and Mikey get on board with this?! I didn't know what to think or what to do. I just stood there, in front of my boyfriend, who kept singing with all his heart and was absolutely out of tune, one of my favorite songs ever.

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Time on my hands could be time spent with you

Laughing like children, livin' like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

He reached one of my hands at the end of the chorus and helped me walk onto the stage. He kissed my hand as I stood by his side and looked at the audience for a second. Everybody here is cheering. Did they know this was going to happen?!

Just stare into space

Picture my face in your hands

Live for each second without hesitation

And never forget I'm your man

I chuckled nervously as Spencer pronounced those words in front of our friends. He actually wrapped an arm around my waist and swung with me, dancing on our spot. I was glad Morgan didn't hear him saying that. Well, Frank and Mikey did and they were gonna tease him just as much as Derek would. If not more.

Wait on me, girl

Cry in the night if it helps

But more than ever, I simply love you

More than I love life itself

Spencer kept holding my hand and spun me a few times as he sang. He was nailing it, he was owning that stage. I knew he was scared, but he was committed to his performance. I couldn't help but giggle the entire time, I was so nervous everybody was staring at us, and cheering at Spencer. But at the same time, I was so moved he had prepared this in secret just for me, to show me how much he loves me. It was the most romantic thing on earth, and I didn't know how I was going to top that.

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Time on my hands could be time spent with you

Laughing like children, livin' like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Spencer finished singing and the bar blew up. Everybody was cheering and he just looked at me laughing, neither of us really processing what was going on. He bowed and waved at the crowd, but instead of walking out of the stage, as I thought we would, he turned to me and started talking on the mic.

- "Chipmunk, I know I am not the best singer on earth by far, but you are always singing the most beautiful songs to me and that always melts my heart. So I thought I needed to reciprocate you in the most painfully romantic way possible."

I chuckled as he spoke and looked around. Frank and Mikey were with Lu standing at one side of the stage, and "Baby, I'm yours" by the Arctic Monkeys started playing at the back. The whole place was filled with fairy lights and the main lights were dimmed, so it looked pretty romantic for a rock bar.

- "You have made me the happiest man alive ever since the day I met you. Just getting to live my life next to you was enough for me to die happy. But now that I've got you, that you are mine the way I am yours, I just... can't"- Spencer's voice broke and I held his hand tighter.

- "I love you"- I said as tears started falling from my eyes. He smiled and nodded, kissing my hand.

- "I love you too, ma chèrie. And I know this might be too soon for some people, but you and I wasted too much time hiding our feelings from each other. That's why tonight I need to ask you the only thing that could make me complete."

I froze as I stared at Spencer searching for something in his pocket and coming down on one knee in front of me. The crowd gasped as I widened my eyes, not even able to breathe. It was happening. It was actually happening.

- "(Y/N) (Y/L/N) would you marry me?"

I covered my mouth with both hands as I stared at my sweet prince charming, offering an incredibly beautiful ring to me. I looked into his eyes and started giggling, absolutely nervous and giddy with excitement, at the time I nodded and he smiled.

- "Of course I'd marry you, honey!"- in a second, he jumped from the floor and wrapped his arms around me. The entire place started cheering as Spencer hugged me and kissed me.

- "Really?"- he asked, shaking and I nodded, kissing him again.

- "Yes, really. I love you so much!"

- "I love you more!"- we kissed again and Spencer placed the ring on my finger. I stared at it and laughed, still in shock at what had just happened.

- "Congratulations!"- Frank, Lu, and Mikey screamed at the same time as they hugged us.

- "I can't believe this is happening"- I said as I chuckled- "And how did you guys get into this?"

- "Come on, let's get off the stage and we'll tell you everything"- Frank said and started walking. But neither Spencer nor I could move, 'cos someone grabbed my arm and pulled me.

- "Munchkin!! Boy genius!! Oh my god!! You're getting married!!"

- "Penelope?! What are you doing here?!"- I was confused, and it didn't get better when I realized Rossi, Hotch, JJ, Will, and Morgan were there as well.

- "Reid told us we had to come today for a surprise. And now we are all in shock"- Rossi said and tapped Spence's cheek- "Congratulations, kid."

- "Thank you for coming"- my boyfriend said as everybody hugged us.

- "We have so much planning to do!"- and of course, Garcia was ecstatic.

- "Lover boy!!"- Derek teased Spencer- "I can't believe you are getting married!"

- "Guys! We have to clean the stage for the next band, come on!"- Frank announced and clapped his hands- "We can keep celebrating back home!"

- "What?"- I asked and widened my eyes, still in shock.

- "I organized a little get-together at our apartment for tonight"- Spencer confessed, blushing even more- "I hoped you'd say yes and I thought maybe we could have a glass of champagne at our apartment afterward."

- "What? What do you mean with our apartment boy wonder?"- Garcia asked in shock. I opened my mouth to explain, but her expression left me speechless.

- "We... actually started living together a few weeks ago"- Spencer confessed, blushing, maybe a little embarrassed. Sure, he was cool performing in front of a whole bar, but he was nervous to tell our friends we were in fact living together.

- "And you didn't tell us?!"

- "We wanted to keep it a secret for a while until things were more settled and..."- Spencer tried to explain and I nodded. And all I managed to say was:

- "Surprise!!"- and felt Spencer's arms around me again. I stared at him, tears filling my eyes as I held his hand tight and simply smiled.

- "I love you so much, honey bunny."

- "I love you more, ma cherie."

- "Come on! Knock it off!"- Mikey argued, but Lu laughed at him.

- "They are about to get way worse, so get used to it."

- "Shit, and we have to work with them"- Rossi added, making us laugh as we walked out of the bar.

While we were out of our apartment, Lu managed to get everything ready for us. Spencer had gotten drinks and food in advantage and hidden it all at Lu's. I was shocked. I honestly never saw any of that coming. As soon as I opened the front door I read the "Congratulations Reids" sign hanging on the wall and nearly started crying again. There were balloons and decorations, it was a party! And I was completely in the dark about everything.

- "Spencer Walter Reid, you lied to me"- I argued as I stared around us. The team and our friends were getting settled and I still couldn't believe I was engaged to my best friend.

- "Yes, for three weeks I kept lying to you every day"- he confessed with a massive grin- "I was a little worried your profiling skills were not working at all this entire time."

- "Hey! I trusted you! Now I know I can't!"

- "No, you can't stop trusting me now, how am I going to surprise you for our anniversaries to come?"- Spencer held me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissed my lips sweetly.

- "I am never going to get used to seeing you acting like a couple"- JJ said and shook her head. I hugged Spencer and hid my face against his chest.

- "You kinda get used to it after you bump into them sucking faces every day for a month"- Morgan said (more like complaining) but still kept a silly grin on his face.

- "Yes, Strauss even forced us to go through an entire PDA seminar because of those two"- Rossi added, chuckling.

- "That wasn't just our fault!"- I argued right away- "I don't call my coworker chocolate thunder."

- "No, but it's a known fact that your coworker tells you during his lunch break that he wants to read to you while you are naked in bed"- Penelope's words made me blush in less than a second, and what made it all worse was knowing Mikey and Frank heard her.

- "Read her naked? That's nothing, once I walked into them having phone sex"- Frank said right away and I nearly yelled.

- "We were not having phone sex!!"

- "Situation said otherwise"- my friend added nonchalantly and I smacked his arm right away.

- "I swear, if you keep telling that story, you are not going to the wedding"- I threatened Frank and he fakely gasped, pretending to be insulted.

- "Ok guys, enough."- Spencer chuckled - "How about we make a toast?"

Everyone grabbed a glass and champagne bottles appeared out of the blue. I held my glass and Spencer's hand as I watched him thank our friends.

- "Honestly, this wouldn't have been possible without Frank, Mikey, and Lu. Thank you so much, guys, for all your help. Frank, I know you struggled hearing me sing during rehearsals"- Paco chuckled right away and raised his glass.

- "I never heard anyone who sang worst than me, you really gave me hope, doc."

- "I'm glad I inspired you"- Spencer laughed and continued- "Thank you guys for helping me propose to my lovely lady, I will always be grateful for all your support and encouragement during the last couple of days."

- "It was a pleasure, doc"- Mikey said raising his glass- "We all knew this was going to happen eventually anyway."

- "Yeah, it was shocking, but none of us is actually in shock right now"- Garcia added as everybody nodded- "Except for the fact you never told us you were living together."

- "I'm glad to hear that, 'cos I was a little scared you were all going to say it's too soon"- Spencer confessed and looked at our friends.

- "Kid, after how long it took you to tell her how you felt, I am glad you proposed within two months"- Rossi's words made me chuckle. Spencer raised his glass and simply said.

- "Thank you for sharing this amazing moment with us."

- "Cheers"-everybody replied and sipped their drinks.

- "Also, I hope you know this is not your engagement party. I am throwing you one in a few weeks in my mansion"- David announced and everyone cheered.

- "Thank you, papa pasta"- I reached out and held his hand for a moment, he squeezed it and cut me a big grin- "And thank you all for coming. I am sure you were all shocked when you heard the band."

- "The band was great, but when boy wonder stepped on the stage I was like "Wow! I never saw this coming in a million years'"- Penelope said- "And then he proposed and it all made sense! I kinda suspected this could happen tonight, but I refused to have hopes. After all the years you made us wait to get together, I really thought this was gonna take another five years in the making."

Spencer's point of view

I stared at (Y/N) standing on the other side of the room, piling dishes and glasses in the sink. Everybody was gone after sharing a happy moment with us. Finally. Don't get me wrong, I love our friends, but that night I realized that the ring on (Y/N)'s finger might be the biggest turn-on I had ever had.

I stood by the kitchen door and stared at her in silence. She looked gorgeous even doing daily chores. I still couldn't believe she wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. I was just a man and she was a goddess, how could she long for a lifetime with me? It made no sense. I had never been so lucky before. I had never been lucky at all, in fact. So if that goddess had fallen in love with me, the only thing left to do was to worship her as she deserved. And that I knew I could do until the day I died.

- "What is my lovely fiancée doing?"- I asked as I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her middle, standing right behind her.

- "Cleaning a little, so we don't have a messy kitchen in the morning"- she replied and rested her head against my chest- "I loved the way you just called me fiancée, by the way."

- "Did you know back in the mid-19th century, English borrowed that word from variants of the French verb fiancer, which means "to betroth"?

- "I love it when you talk facts, my sweet fiancé. Tell me more"- she whispered as she turned and faced me with a big grin.

- "The masculine form of the word is fiancé, with just an e at the end; while the feminine form is fiancée, with a double e, though the pronunciation of both is identical."- she smiled and kissed me, playing with her sweet lips against mine and running her tongue between them for a very brief instant. Way too brief for my liking.

- "Who would have imagined?"- she replied and smiled.

- "I'm guessing you, 'cos I just remembered you are a master in linguistics"- (Y/N) chuckled and nodded.

- "It's ok, it sounds cooler when you say it."

- "That's not ok. Let me make it up for that lousy fact, ma cherie."

- "How are you planning to do that, honey bunny?"- I just smiled and scooped her in my arms to start walking to our room- "What are you doing?"

- "Showing you how much I love being your fiancé, with just one e"- she laughed as I laid her on the bed and hovered over her, kissing her immediately. My hands cupped her face as I held her in place, positioning my body right upon hers. Her fingers played with my hair, and I moaned against her lips at the sensation. I loved it when she did that. I could live in that kiss and die happy any second.

- "You have been extremely romantic today, honey"- she whispered and giggled- "Maybe I should reward you."

- "No chipmunk. Tonight you are mine."

- "I'm yours"- she whispered and smiled as if the sentence had just hit her- "I've always been yours and now I'm gonna be yours until the end of time."

Her words melted my heart and I had to fight the tears, because of all the sweet things she had said to me over the years, those words were the prettiest and most meaningful. I caressed her cheeks and kissed her again, tasting her in my mouth. The warmth of her body underneath me was captivating, and it felt like a magnet, keeping me in place, unable to move.

- "I wanna feel you in me"- she whispered against my lips- "Please."

To hear her begging made my cock get even harder underneath my clothes. And that was a problem: there was too much clothing on us at the moment.

My hands quickly, but carefully peeled off her clothes from her body, as she tried to do the same with me, getting rid of my sweater and shirt in no time. She was now naked underneath me and I stood for a second to get out of my pants and boxers, as I stared at her in adoration.

- "Did you know that ring makes you look very sexy?"- I confessed as she blushed more, if possible.

- "No, I had no idea."

- "Yes, I can't imagine what your wedding ring will make you look like. I'm gonna have trouble keeping my hands off you after we get married"- (Y/N) laughed and I finally got rid of all my clothes and quickly returned to my place, between her legs. I kissed her with hunger as my hands moved up and down her body, as my hard cock rubbed against her clit.

- "Why would you try to keep your hands off me? I'm gonna be your wife, you'll have to fuck me hard every day. That'll be your duty"- she murmured between kisses, and I groaned at the thought of her being my wife- "And you wanna fulfill your conjugal chores, don't you?"

- "Yes"- I managed to give her a breathy answer as I focused on leaving sloppy kisses on her neck, as one of my hands pinched her nipple, toying with it between my fingers. I felt one of her hands moving slowly to my dick, and she slowly guided it to her entrance.

- "Eager, aren't we?"- I whispered and she giggled.

- "You have no idea how much I want you right now, daddy"

- "Tell me"- I begged right away, as her fingers played with my dick, stroking it and teasing me.

- "I want you so much I nearly dragged you to the bathroom earlier when the guys were still here. I've been wet since we were at the diner, and I just wanted to come back home and feel you filling every inch of me. I need you to feel your cum dripping from me."

- "Fuck"- I mumbled and focused on her breast again, licking them as she kept stroking me. Until this time, I begged her- "Please, let me fuck you. I need to feel you wrapped around my cock."- but she didn't reply. Instead, she guided me right to her entrance and my dick moved in slowly.

- "Oh god"- she mumbled against my shoulder- "You feel so good, Spencer. Please, fuck me."

And she didn't need to ask me twice. I slowly started moving inside her, as my lips focused on her neck, exposed to my will.

- "Is this what you were longing for, ma cherie?"- I asked her and she nodded, biting her lips, as soft moans erupted from her. That was music to my ears. I moved faster, feeling her nails scratching my back. I held her close to me the entire time as if she might disappear from one minute to the other. Which, I had always been afraid of.

- "I love you so much"- I heard her whispering- "Yes, daddy, just like that"

- "Oh, ma cherie, you are so tight and so warm, I really could just live inside you."

- "I won't object"- she answered and giggled- "I just wanna be yours"

- "And I, yours"- I rested my forehead on hers and stared at her beauty for a minute, trying to soak it all in.

- "Please, marry me"- I literally pleaded and she smiled.

- "You already asked and I already said yes, honey"- I nodded and sped up my peace, feeling her wrapped around my cock, all warm and wet, just like heaven.

- "And can we have a lot of babies?"- the question slipped my lips without me actually thinking of it, and when I heard it, I realized I had fucked it up. That wasn't the moment, I knew it, but I couldn't help it.

- "All the babies you want"- she gasped and looked at me. I smiled and so did she. Our lips were inches apart, and her moans kept encouraging me to fuck her a little harder, a little faster.

- "That's a dangerous answer, ma cherie."- I whispered and bit her lower lips, earring a soft whimper from her.

- "I'll take my chances."- she smiled and kissed me. I moved one of my hands between her legs and slowly started rubbing her clit, feeling her tremble underneath me.

- "Please don't stop, honey."

- "As you wish"

I could feel her walls pulsating around me as her moans became louder. She hid her face on the crock of my neck and bit me as her climax approached faster. I could feel my own release getting closer as well.

- "Please Spencer"- she whimpered.

- "What do you need, ma cherie?"

- "Make me cum, I wanna cum with you and feel you spilling inside me"

- "Fuck!"-

I rested my forehead against her and kissed her slowly. My hips kept crashing against her body as waves of pleasure rocked us. I kept up with my pace and felt her rise her hips a little, helping me reach that exact point inside her that made her come undone.

Her body twisted in pleasure as my fingers kept playing with her clit and I watched her cum underneath me as an opera. I could watch her unravel in pleasure forever.

- "I love you"- she whispered, panting, and kissed my lips before I let myself go into the pleasure and came inside her with a loud groan. She wrapped her arms around me as tight as possible while I came, and kissed my neck, marking me.

- "I love you too"- I managed to say a few minutes later, feeling the sweat on my forehead and her fingers playing with my hair again.

- "Sir, you are too good to me"- she whispered and smiled- "You make me so happy sometimes I feel it's not fair."- I chuckled and kissed the top of her nose, as I stayed still inside of her for a few more minutes, enjoying her warmth.

- "I know exactly how you feel, chipmunk."

(Y/N) was asleep next to me later that night, but I wasn't able to close my eyes. Her head rested on my chest as my arms still held her close to my body. I sighed and tried to chase away every sad and depressing thought from my head. I was too happy to be real, and that scared me. I had never been that happy and a voice inside me kept reminding me I didn't really deserve it.

- "Please, never leave me"- I whispered and kissed the top of her head.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The news of our engagement made mom and dad very happy. They were so excited they actually planned a family dinner with my brother (who was now single again) and no one fought. No one. It was magic. I had never seen mom so excited before in my life. She hugged Spencer over ten times during the night. And each time I reminded her he didn't like touching, but he dismissed my words with a smile and a simple shake of his head.

- "It's ok, chipmunk. I like feeling welcome."

- "Oh god! You are so welcome in this family, Spencer!"- and so, mom hugged him again, making dad laugh.

- "I had never seen her so happy before."- I pointed out as I poured more wine.

- "That's 'cos she was sure you were never going to get married"- Phoenix explained and lifted his glass to me, waiting to serve him some more as well- "Because of your work, not because you couldn't"- he added with a smile.

- "Sure..."

Diana was excited as well. Spencer sent her a letter telling her how the proposal went, and I added a polaroid picture of us from that night's celebration. When Spencer told me it was his mother who gave him the ring, I wrote her a whole letter myself, in gratitude not only for the gesture but also for her support. She replied in a few days, with a lovely letter calling me officially her daughter, and notifying me she would call me only that so from now on. Her letter also included a quote from Plato, which seemed so fitting for the moment it watered up my eyes when I read it: "Every heart sings a song, incomplete until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet."

I was in heaven.

Until we got a five am call to go to the BAU on a Wednesday morning. That wasn't normal. And there was not enough coffee in the entire FBI to keep me awake that morning. I sat at the table in the meeting room and looked around at my friend's sleepy faces. Derek was serious, staring at his notebook, Rossi and Seaver were talking about something, and Spencer was playing with my hand on the table. García walked in, looking scared, and stared at us, counting.

- "Where's Hotch?"

- "Any minute."- Rossi replied, not taking his eyes from his iPad screen

- "I didn't get a file sent to me. Did a case go directly to him?"- she asked as she sat down at the other side of the table.

- "Don't know."

- "When's the last time he called a meeting this early?"- Seaver asked and I was scared of that answer, 'cos it was the thought I had ever since the phone rang and I didn't even want to bring it up to not scare Spencer. Though it was obvious he knew it too.

- "Three years, eight months ago."- he answered and I squeezed his hand.

- "And what happened?"- Seaver seemed confused.

- "Gideon left."- I whispered and Spencer nodded. That freaked García right away.

- "Who's leaving?!"

- "Nobody's leaving, babygirl"- Derek sentenced right away, but he looked at us and I could read the nervousness on his face. He wasn't sure of what was happening, none of us were. And after Emily's death, I was afraid to lose another teammate. And sometimes I felt my life with Spencer was so perfect, something very bad was bound to happen.

- "I appreciate everyone coming in early."- Hotch said suddenly, walking in a hurry.

- "What's going on?"- Rossi questioned right away and my heart skipped a beat in fear of very bad news.

- "The Director called a meeting last night to discuss budgets."

- "They skipped over Strauss?"- Rossi seemed shocked.

- "She's away."- Aaron dismissed the question and continued- "The Bureau is facing a lot of changes and this unit is no exception. Over the next few weeks, each of you is going to be asked if you'd like to stay with the unit.

- "What?"- the question just left my lips and never went through my brain.

- "Why wouldn't we?"- Spencer asked, confused and I immediately held his hand again, going against all the PDA rules.

- "There are other options for you out there. And while I want the unit to stay together, I understand completely if you want to see what the alternatives are."

Hotch looked at us with something that could be described as crestfallen, but he kept trying to hide it behind his hardest face. I looked at Spencer and he turned to me. Neither of us liked the idea of leaving the BAU, and less the thought of losing another teammate. This was really bad timing.

- "Morgan, there's renewed interest in you from the New York office."- Hotch added and we all turned to Derek right away.

- "Nobody's called me."

- "They will."

- "That doesn't mean I'm gonna go."

- "Oh, I know."

- "Are you staying here?"- Seaver asked and I focused all my attention on reading Hotch's face as the thought his answer and finally said:

- "It's my intention."- it was clear it wasn't his decision to make. Someone wanted to shake our team. But why?- "All I ask is if you are contacted by another division that you let me know."

Hotch's speech was cut by his cell phone. I was still shocked and scared as I heard him saying to whoever had called that we were going to be there in 20 minutes. None of us moved our eyes from him during the time that phone call lasted.

- "Virginia State police believe they've uncovered a serial killer. They need us at Zacha Road and Route 7 as soon as possible. Morgan, you and Dave get out there."

- "What about this?"- I asked him and Penelope nodded.

- "Yes, we need to talk about this, Hotch."

- "We can talk about it later."- he simply replied and stood up. I looked at my teammates, all of us still trying to process what had just happened. But there was no time, we had to catch a serial killer. Again.

- "Relax, you know I'm not going anywhere"- I said to my boyfriend as soon as I reached his desk.

- "I know. Me neither."- he assured me and we both nodded as if we had just made a silent vow- "Well, I guess this is gonna be a long day."

- "I'll make a nice dinner to compensate."- my words made him smile and his eyes shone with happiness. We had each other, and that was all that mattered at that moment.

Spencer's point of view

(Y/N) made coffee and we started working on the geographic profile of the case with Ashley. Hotch locked himself in his office and none of us mentioned what had happened during the morning. Instead, we just worked. So far, all we knew was that a potential serial killer was killing and moving victims between states.

- "The only reason we have this case is because of an accident."- I mumbled, staring at the map.

- "You know the odds of that?"- Ashley asked and I heard my girlfriend chuckling.

- "Is that rhetorical? 'Cos you know he does"- Ashley smiled at (Y/N)'s comment as I just continued staring at the map on the board.

- "You think the unsub is working alone?"- Ashley asked us, but instead, (Y/N) asked her.

- "What do you think?"

- "Unlikely. It's high-risk to move one body out of state, but two?"- Seaver answered, and my girlfriend nodded.

- "Let's check the facts. Paige was abducted months after having Jake in captivity, and he traveled with both, which means he's criminally sophisticated."- (Y/N) pointed out as I nodded

- "Yes, it seems more like an organized operation as opposed to an individual offender."- I added, as she continued speaking.

- "Then he's probably done this before."

- "You think there are more victims out there?"- Ashley asked and I shook my head.

- "Impossible to say until we figure out how those two were targeted."

García walked in and held (Y/N)'s arm. She seemed excited or nervous. Probably both.

- "She is here!"

- "Who?"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and looked outside to the bullpen.

- "SSA Andi Swan! She's the head of the Domestic Trafficking Task Force and I love her work, she is a genius!"

- "Why is she here? Do you think Hotch is interviewing her as Emily's replacement?"- (Y/N)'s words froze me. I never thought of anyone replacing Emily, and getting a new teammate didn't feel right just yet.

- "Apparently she is collaborating with the case. Anyway, I have to run open cases for the last two years without any parameters to narrow it down, so I'll leave you, kids, for a while"- Garcia waved and walked out of the conference room.

- "Considering they are traveling with their victims, we need agent Swan's help"- I sipped my coffee and (Y/N) turned to me, nodding.

- "Yeah, and we need all the help we can get to finish this case quickly."

- "How are the wedding plans by the way?"- Seaver asked out of the blue. The fact she was the only one on the team I didn't invite to the proposal wasn't really a shock to anyone, 'cos they all knew she and (Y/N) had a very rocky relationship until Prentiss' death, and I didn't want to push it. She congratulated us as soon as she heard the news, though. And so far, she has acted very nice about it.

- "Slow"- (Y/N) sighed, staring at a bunch of papers- "We have been trying to find a place for the reception, but we haven't had much time to visit any because we have been way too busy with cases."

- "Rossi said you could use his mansion"- Ashley suggested- "That's a nice venue"

- "Yeah, we know, but we don't want to take advantage of his generosity."- I say and smile- "Besides, we still got time"

- "Yeah, we are not in a hurry."- (Y/N) added the second Hotch walked in with agent Swan, and they started filling us in with everything the Domestic Traffic task force knew about the case.

The wedding plans had been stressful, but fun. It was something I never pictured myself doing, but it was fulfilling in a way. (Y/N) and I were working on our budget and our guesses list. I was glad we didn't know many people. She asked if I wanted to invite my dad, but I didn't want to, it didn't feel right. We still hadn't set a date, but we weren't in a rush. We just wanted everything to be perfect.

- "Here are the missing coeds since 2009."- García's voice took me from my thoughts as she walked into the office and left a considerable pile of files on the table.

- "Wow."- Seaver's reaction was funny, both (Y/N) and I smiled as we saw her shocked face.

- "Thank you sweety"- my girlfriend thanked our friend- "Let's look at the last-known locations on these files. Maybe there's an overlap, so we can start narrowing this down"

- "They're from all over the place."- Penelope whispered the bad news and (Y/N) frowned.

- "Fuck, ok so then let's think. These guys hunt in target-rich environments, right? Let's start looking for clubs, malls, that kind of thing."- (Y/N) turned to Seaver and the two of them started going through the files at once.

- "What are Morgan and Rossi finding?"- I asked García

- "Uh, a lot of mud on the car and the victims."

- "Mud? Did it rain here?"- I frowned confused. That didn't make much sense.

- "No, not here. South. Morgan has a theory that based on the gas mileage, they must have filled up within 70 miles of the accident."- García explained as I nodded

- "Gotcha. How many gas stations do you find?"

- "Forty-two".

- "How'd you narrow that down?"- I asked and she stared at me perplex

- "I didn't."

- "Why not?"

- "I didn't have any more parameters."

- "Never stopped you before."- she looked at me and sighed, turning around and heading back to her office, shouting "I'll be right back!" on her way out. I looked at (Y/N) and she sighed.

- "You are doing the dishes tonight"

- "What? Why?"

- "Thanks, Reid."- Seaver added and I just stared at them, confused.

But I didn't have to do the dishes, 'cos we weren't home for dinner. We were stuck with the case and with an SSA missing, probably taken by the group. Meanwhile, we were all still thinking about that morning's meeting and the future of our team. Was this our last case together? Who was going to leave? I just wanted to solve the case as fast as possible.

As the team left to catch the unsubs, (Y/N) and I were left in the BAU with García in her office, following the whole mission.

- "I schedule two visits for this weekend if we are in town"- (Y/N) announced suddenly- "The Art Club of Washington and The Red Fox inn Tavern."

- "Jesus! That place is amazing!"- Penelope nearly jumped from her chair as she heard (Y/N)'s words- "How into the planning are you?"

- "Not really too advanced"- my fiancée sighed- "We've got time to settle on the guest list and a budget. That's it."

- "Honey, that's more than you had two months ago."- I smiled at Pen's words and wrap an arm around (Y/N)'s shoulders as she kept staring at her hands on her lap.

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and she took a few seconds to answer. And when she did, she cuts me a short smile and nods.

- "I really hated Hotch's talk this morning"- she mumbles- "I don't want anything to change. I can't deal with change again."

- "Nothing will change between us, I can promise you that."- I replied and kissed her temple. She sighed and nodded, trying to smile at me. Somehow, I felt as if I was lying to her. I didn't want anything to change, but I couldn't promise that either.

And I had no idea that in less than four months, everything I knew would fall to pieces.

You can read the whole trip to Hawaii story here

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Harley D. Dixon 5

An amazing edit inspired by this story! (Cred to Cora_Line99) Harley D. Dixon's Pinterest Board! Harley D. Dixon's Playlist!

📖Chapter List.

Author's Note. This is our CDC chapter, so TW for mention of suicide in this one. It's a little graphic.

And it might be better to go in blind, but if you'd like the second TW, please check the first tag on this post.

Other than that, please enjoy reading!

Glenn exhales, "Would you look at that?"

The sun is rising.

Last night I was a dying dog and today I am Harley Dixon.

Me, Dad and Glenn are on the roof of the parked RV, watching the sky give birth to the sun, knowing that I got hundreds more sunrises waiting for me; that the worst is over, like Rick said. The morning is as fresh as peeled summer fruit, and it's all ours. I'm reminded of special breakfasts on our old porch, where my Uncle Merle and my Dad would be scooping burnt scrambled eggs into their mouths, and I'd be in Dad's lap, sipping on a box of orange juice. We had them whenever I won an award at school. I feel like I've won every award in the world.

Glenn is the one sitting next to us, now, in this new version of day-break. He fills the outline of where a ghost of a brother and an Uncle used to be. We're sharing a secret bag of old freeze-dried cherries, while everyone else sleeps. They're a small luxury, like the sun. We can make happiness out of anything.

It all feels right.

"One hundred percent mold free, this time. I swear," Glenn says, ripping the bag open and pouring me the first cherries.

"They better be," Dad jokes. "First time was free."

"Next time, you'll beat my ass?" Glenn guesses.

He looks like he's realizing his legacy is always gonna be the guy who can't make jerky.

"Damn straight."

We knock our plastic bowls together, smiling.

"To Harley."

"To me!"

"What a mess this whole thing was." Glenn shakes his head, chewing. "I know I already said it, but... I'm really sorry."

"Ain't your fault you can't cook." I giggle.

"Gee, thanks." He laughs. "I guess I deserve that."

"Just learn to salt the damn meat, China." Dad says. "Then we can talk."

"Okay, okay, okay." Glenn puts his hands up, but he's still grinning. "I suck at cooking. I get it. Are Dixons always this mean?"

Me and my Daddy answer, yes, at the same time.

"Good to know." Mumbles Glenn.

"The night I got scratched," I muse, my fingers painted with crayon-red cherry juice. "You was the first person after my Dad to reach the tent."

I remember people saying that Glenn could outrun a cheetah if there were enough supplies behind the finish line. The thought makes me laugh again. When you ain't big, you gotta find other ways to elbow your way through danger. Sometimes a good brain and better legs are all you need. Sometimes people like me and Glenn get to win, too.

"I guess so." Glenn's smiling shyly. "But only because Rick was too busy reloading. And Shane was up the back. And, well, I guess— When we first got back to camp, people were saying that you were gone. That you were missing, or dead, or— We didn't know. Your Dad, he just took off into the woods. Just, vroom, y'know? Like, gone. I thought if I was gonna be like anyone, it should be him. So, I went running, too."

Dad leans over and grips Glenn's shoulder; shakes it. A gesture that says, Man to man, I respect you. Maybe even, Brother to brother.

It takes a lot to earn my Dad's respect, if you ain't his blood.

"You all looked like you was boutta faint." I snicker, 'cause it's funny now.

"W-we all thought it was too late." Glenn tries to laugh. It's been hard, I guess, bottling up that night until now. "When we first saw the tent."

I see flashes of wet eyes, and teeth, and spiders.

"I did too," I confess.

My Dad turns me around in his lap, then, and bounces his knee a little. "But I woulda never let that happen, chicken, y'hear? And I ain't never gonna let that happen. I'd have to be dead, 'fore a walker laid his hands on you." He frowns, looking me dead in the eye.

"I hear." I nod. "It was just really scary."

"C'mere, babe."

He pulls me down to his chest — his heart — and I curl up there, where I know nothin' will ever get me.

"For the record, I was about to faint." Glenn mutters.

I throw a cherry at him and he dodges it, grinning.

"I knew it!"

We all sit like this for a long while, with the sun and the rustling wheat as our friends, snacking on our sour fruit. Then they start talking again, a notch deeper, a notch outta my league. Adult to adult. I realize they must think I'm asleep — It is the ass-crack of dawn, after all — so I don't interrupt.

"I didn't mean it like that, you know." Glenn tells my Dad. "You can protect your own. I get that."

"Don't tell me what I already know, kid."

"I just..." Glenn starts, but then there's nothing.

In this long moment, I think Glenn is going to leave down the ladder, 'cause it's what anyone else would do.

People like me and my Dad — People who hoard supermarket coupons, and talk real nasty, and get called hillbillies — don't mix well with people like Glenn. People pretend there isn't, but there's an invisible cut-off on who deserves what in life, and it ends right after people who only gotta work one job. Glenn's smart, and he prolly ain't never had to go hungry to pay his water bills, not once in his life. He prolly ain't never been to jail, or snapped a squirrel's neck, or re-used the same bottle of hand soap forty times over. He's like the rest of 'em. Rick and Lori. Shane. The kids in my old classes. Their parents on parent-night. We can work well together but anything else is askin' too much.

But we're family now, right? I think Glenn might leave, but—

"Well, for what it's worth, I couldn't do it." Is all Glenn says.

He doesn't leave. In fact, I hear him settling further into his chair. It's what Uncle Merle would have done.

My Dad pauses. "Do what?"

"Look over my shoulder all the time. Worry about someone else every time I hear a gunshot. Walk around knowing I have that much to lose." Glenn sounds lost in thought, but then he surfaces. He ends his list with a simple, "Be a parent."

My Dad sighs, debating whether or not to go along with this.

"That ain't all there is to it." He eventually says.

"No?"

"Nah. It ain't some curse." Dad says. "I hear a gunshot? Sure, first thing I'm thinkin' 'bout is Harley. But that's the way it's meant to be."

"I just don't think I'd be able to handle it." I imagine Glenn gazing out at the sky. "These past few days have been stressful enough."

"Yeah, well that's why I got a kid 'n you don't." Dad's being a bit of a smart-ass. Then, he answers seriously. "You got a kid? You gotta be ready to die for 'em. But it ain't just sittin' around, waitin' to do it. It's the opposite. Every day I wake up, and I do it for her. I do everythin' I do for her. After that baby's born, who you were, what you liked doin', any plans you had — That's over. Suddenly, yer life ain't the most important thing you got, no more."

I've never heard my Dad talk like this. I wish our lives were worth the same, but I guess it don't work that way.

"And who were you?" Glenn asks, knocking back a cherry. "Before Harley?"

"A nobody. Drunk bastard with drunk-bastard friends." Dad scoffs.

"Well... That's good, then?" Glenn's guessing. "Sounds like she changed you for the better, man."

I can't imagine my Dad being anybody other than my Dad. The day I came into the world, so did he. There's nothin' before that.

"It's hard." Dad admits, prolly for the first time ever, to Glenn. "I love 'er, but it's hard as shit. Some days I wanna pull my damn hair out."

"You must have been going crazy during... everything."

"Oh, you think?" Dad jokes. "You ain't seen me fuck up that walkie?"

Glenn bursts out laughing. "It hit the RV when you threw it out the window. Scared the shit out of Dale."

I have to try really hard not to laugh. I'm meant to be pretend-asleep!

"You got any nieces, or anythin'?" Dad asks.

"No." Glenn answers. "My sisters were either too interested in their careers to have kids, or... Too young."

Glenn's sisters aren't here. Blood does everything it can to stay together. Dad taught me that. That means his sisters are both young and dead.

"That's gotta be tough, man." Dad sighs.

"No, it's alright. Sometimes I can pretend they're out there, together. Happy." He pauses. "What about you? Nieces? Nephews?"

Dad actually laughs a little. "Fuck no. Not from my side, at least. Guy like my brother ain't meant to spread his seed around. Ain't right."

Glenn starts laughing, too. "I guess not."

"Nah, Harley's my only girl." My Dad says. I feel him start playing with the end of my ponytail.

"You know, when you first showed up in camp, I thought she was Merle's." Glenn says, then quickly, "No offence."

"No shit?" Dad scoffs.

"No shit. I thought you looked too young to have a kid."

An unspoken joke makes them both laugh all over again.

"Yeah, well, I was real busy in my teen years."

I got no idea what that means, but it must be funny. Their conversation tapers from chuckling into a warm silence, and then it's just us and the sun again. It clips over a candy-colored cloud, and I can hear car doors opening and shutting, and loud yawns from down below. We're gonna be on the road again soon. I might not need a cure anymore, but we still need water, food, and walls, and the CDC's got it all. I hear someone shouting, alright, people, time to start heading out, and then a whole bunch of shuffling. The day isn't just ours, anymore.

My Dad stretches, groaning, and I pretend to be woken up by it.

He pinches my cheek. "Look who's here."

"Hey, Harley." Glenn smiles, packing up. "You enjoy the cherries?"

"Uh-huh," I smile back. "Thank you."

"No problem." He says. "There's actually some left over, if you want it."

He holds out the bag while I dig my hand into it.

I think it's funny how me, the man who made me, and the man who almost killed me are all friends, now. I learnt in science class that the more pressure you put on a rock, the more compact the molecules get. I think we're the molecules. It's bittersweet.

"Not too many." Dad warns. "You're still sick, remember? Don't want you messin' up my truck again."

"I remember," I promise, shoving a handful of cherries into my mouth. I also remember him sayin' he don't give a damn 'bout the truck.

Someone shouts out the radio channel again.

"Time to see this thing through, then." Rallies Glenn, but he looks nervous.

We say goodbye to the sunrise.

"Dad, is that—?"

"That's the CDC, alright."

We reach it by early morning. It's a monster of a building. It's like a big, white buoy in the middle of the ocean, saying, Come here, I'll keep you afloat. We ease to a stop and then we just look at it, 'cause it's all we can do. The CDC, right before our eyes. It's really there.

"It's bigger than I thought." I think aloud.

Dad just grunts, wary. "Stay close to me."

Our new walkie chimes, and Rick speaks to everyone when he says, "This is it, people. Leave your things. We're gonna walk up."

Why does the air feel so cold?

My Dad pulls both me and his crossbow out the truck, and then the whole group — one tired, beaten, hopeful force — are slowly making our way to the building. We walk through a silent field. I wish it could speak to us; tell us what it's been through.

We pass torn bags of sand and littered bullet shells. I think there's something here that we're not seeing, not yet, like a sleeping beast at the back of a cave, and when we find it, we're gonna be sorry we ever looked. We weave through big, black piles of clothes. The clothes are full, I realize. Full of hands, and legs; all white, all dead. They're bodies. They still have their human faces; they're still them, just dead, and they're studded with the bullets that the shells came from. The story tells itself, on behalf of the ghosts. They give their blood back to mother nature, dripping into the grass. I gasp. From head to toe, I go cold. My Dad shields my face, but I've already seen 'em. They're already nightmares.

Rick leads us. He leads us past trucks and barriers and blockades. Every sign the universe gives him to turn back, he ploughs through, chin up.

Maybe he's brave. Maybe he's stupid. Maybe he was designed to be both. Maybe we're walking to our deaths.

Nobody speaks. If they do, the bodies might wake up, and the graveyard we're intruding on will realize it doesn't want us here.

A crow squawks from its post on a dead soldier's helmet. If I spoke bird, I'd hear, Turn back.

We have to do this. It's what everyone's thinking, as they manage one foot in front of the other. Just one more step, and after that, just one more step. I take in the group, 'cause they ain't dead, and it's a little less awful to look at.

Morales, rifle up. Eliza, Louis and Sophia, three baby ducklings under their Mommas' shaking wings. Dale and Shane, polar opposites but in this moment, exactly the same; with their steely gaze and steady hands. Jacqui and Andrea, holding hands; two girls in women's bodies, walking through a world that wants to eat them. I catch Carl's eye. He catches mine, over the violence spread out before us. I watch him send me a thumbs up, which does nothing but turn me colder — colder than ice, colder than I've ever been — before my view is blocked for a second time, by Glenn. I'm sandwiched in; hidden, protected. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope I'll get to open them again. My Dad leads me by the shirt over the grass. I trust him.

My shoes hit something tougher, louder — Cement. Rock? Our footsteps echo, now. Are we really in a cave?

It goes double-dark, through my eyelids. Please don't leave us, I beg the sun nicely, We need you.

I squeeze my Dad's hand. He squeezes back.

Then I hear a rumble, like thunder, and I peek out from behind my Dad. It's Rick, banging on roller shutters. We all clench closer together, a fist ready to fight. Nobody does it on purpose, but me and all the other kids are pushed toward the middle. Rumble, rumble, rumble. Rick goes from one door to another to another, until he's shook down the entire row.

Guns are raised. We step back, together.

It's like knockin' on doors on Halloween. We don't know what creature's gonna answer. Maybe nobody.

"Anybody home?" Glenn mutters.

We stretch our silence for as long as we can stand it. There is no answer.

Newly determined, or maybe offended, or scared, or maybe all three, Rick beats down all the doors again like he hates 'em.

"Hey!" He calls out. "Whoever's in there, open up!"

"Nobody's here, man!" T-Dog shakes his head, but he ain't got no proof.

"Then tell me why you think all the damn shutters are down?" Rick snarls, and it's like we're in the parking lot again, and I'm scared.

And I should be.

"Walkers incoming!" Shane shouts.

Suddenly, my Dad and Glenn are whirling the other way, facing our new enemy. I grab onto the back of Dad's belt, and when I peer out between their elbows, I see one, two, six, twelve dead bodies lumbering to their feet, all dressed in military green, and dented helmets, and layers and layers of crusty black blood and loose skin. The other kids start to cry, but not me. I can't cry, 'cause I can't breathe. I hear a slicing fwip, and then one of the dead soldiers drop to the ground like the only thing holding him up were strings. An arrow marks his second deathbed.

"We can't fuckin' stay here, Rick!" My Dad's yelling. "You led us into a death-trap!"

I'm grabbing onto the back of Glenn's shirt, now, 'cause my Dad's stomping off to confront Rick and Shane. I hide my nose in my knuckles. Death-trap, I'm panicking, Death-trap. A week ago, I'd be standing here alone, but I got Glenn now. I don't know how I know that, but I do. I got Glenn.

"Glenn, I'm scared." I whine to him, and there it is, I'm crying. I think of happier things, like cherries and the sun.

"I— I know." Glenn puffs, 'cause he's scared, too. "I know."

He lets me grab his hand. It's what Uncle Merle would have done.

"Death trap or not, we're here for a reason!" Dale's arguing. "Rick made a call! We all did!"

"You want us to phase through the fuckin' doors, old man?" Dad spits. "We're stuck out here! My daughter's stuck out here!"

"Running out of time here, guys!" Jacqui's worrying.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Are those gunshots, now? Bullets are last resorts. Last resorts are only for when you're gonna die. Are we gonna—?

"Are we gonna die, Glenn?"

"No." He hurries to answer, gripping me tighter. "N—No."

"We need to leave!" A woman — Carol? — cries.

"She's right." Lori. That's Lori. "This close to the city? It's too dangerous!"

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"Fort Benning." Shane looks like he's 'bout ready to bolt, bouncin' from foot to foot. A trapped animal. "We can do it. It's still an option, Rick."

"Is it?" Glenn's shouting. "It's a hundred twenty-five miles away!"

"No fuel? Two sick kids?" Morales is shakin' his head, no, no, no. "It's impossible!"

What do we do? No, no, no. We can't leave, but no, no, no, we can't stay, neither.

"What do you wanna do, then?" Shane argues back. "What you wanna do?"

"That's it! We're done here!"

My Dad shuts the whole thing down with one angry shout, locking his hand around my wrist. He tugs me away, and for a moment, the group is tugging itself along behind us, back to the street and the cars. We're a unit again — in the wind, goin' anywhere; scared, flimsy. We take one step, and then two, and we make it all the way back to the grass, before—

"Wait!"

It's Rick.

He ain't budged. Brave or stupid? Is he nuts?

"The camera." He tells us, breathless. "It moved."

All three.

"You imagined it." Dale decides, 'cause he'll say anything to get Rick to move. "How could it have moved?"

It's a lost cause — a last-ditch attempt.

The arguing re-ignites. I hide myself again, 'cause I'd rather be anywhere else.

Rick's shouting that he saw it, he saw the camera move, and his voice hits the concrete and closes in on us, just like the field. Fwip. Bang. Bang. Bang. Each burst of noise is a ticking hand on a dyin' clock. The bodies are picking themselves up faster than we're dropping 'em. Glenn's got a knife out, now, and Shane's pleading with Rick, who's gone nuts, Man, listen, the place is gone, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone. Rumble, rumble, rumble. Fwip. Bang. Crying; shrieking, from me, from the other kids, from Lori, and Jacqui, and the air as it's cut in half by bullet after bullet after bullet. Please, we have two sick kids out here, someone's begging.

"You're killing us!" Rick tells the camera. "You're killing us!"

My Dad fists the back of my shirt and he's pullin' me away, stronger than before. I think he's saying, Fuck it, we can make it on our own; leave the bastard. This must really be rock bottom. We were on our own for weeks. He must be thinking that we can do it again. I can see Glenn struggling to decide whether he should stay with the group or follow his feet, which are already trying to run after me and my Dad. I see Jacqui doin' it, too, and then Andrea, and then Carol.

A body topples over in our path, arrow up its nose. This is chaos.

Cherries and sunlight. Cherries and sunlight.

Then—

Behind us.

A gentle rumble, rumble.

We all whip around.

The doors — They're opening. They really are.

Even Rick looks like he can't believe it. We watch them open, mouths agape, like a bunch of idiots — A portal, to another world.

At first, we think there's a catch. Nothing comes without a catch. Do we go in?

But then there's another bang, and we're reminded that we're as good as dead if we stay out here any longer. We're on the move again, but this time, we're walking into the big, white mouth of the big, white monster, praying, Please don't be worse than it is out here, please don't make us regret this. We stay close together as the doors roll back down, sealing us in. We can breathe again, but only slightly. Would I rather take my chances with the dead soldiers, or with the unknown? I'm not sure. Now it's really happening, I don't think any of us are.

"Electricity." Jacqui whispers in cautious wonder. Electricity is like a myth.

Rick nods toward an archway. "Let's keep moving."

We trickle into the belly of the beast — Down a hallway, and into a lobby with the tallest damn ceiling I ever saw. Papers are thrown all over the floor and the computers at the reception desk are all upturned, but it's pin-drop silent. It's like being in a museum for an old extinction event.

"Hello?" Rick calls out, and if there's a scary creature in here, I sure hope it eats him first. "Who's in here? Who opened the doors?"

The silence answers.

"I did."

I jump outta my skin. Dad gets himself in front of me, but I peek around his waist. There's a man at the top of the stairs. He looks like he's been here for a long, long time. Like those lonely boys in Lord of the Flies, where they'd been on an island for so long that they started going a little crazy. He's wearing a regular t-shirt. I wonder where his lab coat is, if he's a scientist. This is a building for scientists.

"What did you mean by 'sick'?" The lonely-crazy-man calls down to us. "You said you had two sick kids. Is anybody infected?"

The whole group hardens at this question. They all glance back at me. I can see our journey in their eyes.

Rick's smiling, and this time, it looks right.

"You don't know the half of it." He turns back around, chin up, like always. "No. Nobody's infected. Thank God."

Dad puts a hand my shoulder.

The scientist doesn't share the same enthusiasm.

"I'm not sure He's around, anymore." He muses, vaguely sad. Then, "Why are you here? What do you want?"

I've never been good at words, but Rick is, 'cause he comes up with the perfect answer. One he knows we'd all agree on.

"A chance."

And maybe some water. After all we been through, that can't be too much to ask. We must look like a pathetic, begging mess, 'cause that's what we are. I know I am. My hair's made outta knots and grease, just like Lori and Andrea's. We're covered in beatings from the road, like bruises from Jim's fists and eyebags from sleepless nights. We left our quarry for this. We left our fish, and our tyre swing, and we left Jim. This can't be for nothing.

The man, who stands high above us, a judging eye, takes us in. "That's asking an awful lot, these days."

All Rick can say is, "I know," and pray it works.

I think of wet eyes, teeth, and spiders while we wait for his decision.

"You'll submit to a blood test." The scientist tells us. "That's the price of admission."

A breath leaves us all.

"We can—" Rick's nodding. "We can manage that."

That's it? A blood test?

I find myself grinning, and I tug on my Dad's hand. We look at each other. He's smiling, too, just a little. We all are. The scientist doesn't know it, but he's just saved our lives. We're tired and we're dirty and we've been through Hell these past couple days, but a blood test — We can manage that. We can manage anything.

"I left one door open. If you have stuff to bring in, do it now." He says, from his perch. "Once these doors shut, they don't open."

We tell him we understand.

This place is like a magical castle.

After we give up our blood, the scientist takes us on a tour.

Jacqui was right. We got electricity. But apparently, we also got hot water.

If electricity's a myth, then hot water is a damn hoax. I can't wait to have a shower tonight. I used to hate showers, but that's just one of them things now that I can't believe I ever hated, like spinach. I been so hungry before that I'd dream about spinach. Glenn and Lori groan like they've bitten into a big, juicy steak when they hear 'bout the showers, and we all laugh. When I ask him, the scientist says that he isn't wearing his lab coat because he only wears it to make himself look cool. He says that now that we're here, he'll have to put it back on. It makes me giggle.

I run ahead with the other kids, and we all reach a long line of doors, where the scientist says we'll be staying.

The tour is complete!

We all pick rooms to stay in and then we unpack, like we're in a hotel, and it's exciting. None of us have been to a hotel in years.

"Hey, Harley!" Sophia pops her head out the next room over, holding a bar of soap. "Look! Soap!"

I hold out mine. "I got one, too!"

Behind Sophia, Carl pops his head out. "Me too!"

And behind him, like two little owls, Eliza and Louis appear. "Us, too!"

We dash back into our rooms. Me and my Dad's room got two double beds, and I ain't never had a double bed before, so I climb on it, and I jump up and down to test it out. It don't even squeak or nothin'. Dad watches me from where he's emptying one of our back packs.

As I try touch the ceiling, I tell him, "This place is awesome!"

"Harley, come down from there 'fore you crack yer head open." He orders, like a party-pooper.

I do what he says, 'cause I don't wanna ruin the day by getting spanked. "I'm gonna have a real-life shower."

"That's right." He shakes out the yellow shirt with the dinosaurs on it. He chucks it at my head, smirking. "Get ready, then."

I grab the brush that Sophia's letting me use first and a pair of purple pyjama pants from my Dad. I take myself into the bathroom. At first, the water's like straight lava on my skin, and I yelp. Dad asks if I'm alright, and then he comes in to fix the water for me. The lava settles back down, and I scrub and wash and sud myself up until I'm almost as red as a lobster. It's the best shower I've ever had. I was getting so sick of using baby wipes and river water to wash myself. When I step out of the real-life shower, the whole room is steamed up. I draw a smiley face into the mirror just 'cause I can, and then I brush out all my hair. I smell like strawberries. I dress in my cozy pyjamas and socks.

When I come out, my Dad re-does my buttons, 'cause apparently I did 'em all wrong. I stand between his knees while he re-orders 'em.

"He said there's a games room here." I smile.

"Maybe you can scope it out after dinner." Dad says. "You gotta be hungry by now, right?"

"Oh, I forgot 'bout dinner!" There's just too many wonders to keep track of in this place! "We gotta hurry!"

My Dad loops the last button.

"Come on, come on, come on!" I nag, pulling him off the bed and out the door.

"Damn." He chuckles. "People are gonna start thinkin' I ain't feedin' you."

"I bet there's gonna be steak!"

This is the best day ever.

We reach the CDC's little cafeteria, which is in total darkness to save energy, except for a spotlight above the biggest table. Makes it feel even more special. I hear clinking forks and plates, and I think these are the two happiest days I've ever had. Me and Dad take seats next to Carol and Sophia. As potato salad — Yes, potato salad. That's almost as good as soap — and greens and meat get passed around, I'm reminded of our fish fry. My Dad is here with me to enjoy it this time, and there are walls to protect us, instead of trees. We're clean. We're safe. We're alive.

"Just tell me when." Carol tells T-Dog as she pours him some wine, while everyone is getting settled in at the table.

Carol pours for a long time and T-Dog does not say when.

People start laughing.

T-Dog gives in and goes, "Okay, when, when, when."

"Thought I was gonna be there all night." Carol scoff-chuckles, sitting back down.

When I look around, I see one big family having dinner together, and I see people I'd almost forgotten about under all that dirt.

"Hey, after the past few days we've had, I think we deserve it." Rick's smiling, holding up his hands.

"I'll say." Lori snickers.

Dale suddenly stands, glass in hand. "How about we dedicate this meal to Harley?"

Rick puts down his napkin. "I think that's a perfect idea."

I giggle under all the attention as everyone rushes to agree, finding their glasses. I hide my face behind my Dad's arm. He peels himself away, smirking, and everyone's got something to say about my red face when I'm no longer hidden. I smack Carl when he tells me I look like a tomato, and everyone's doubled over with laughter, again. It's my favorite sound ever, I decide.

Before we can toast, my Dad butts in.

"Hang on. Old man, how's about that watch you carry around?" He asks. "It got a date on it?"

"I wish," Dale smiles, "But the battery died yesterday. Why? Is there something I'm missing?"

"I reckon it's almost July, right?" Dad looks around.

Is he gonna say what I think he's gonna say?

I start grinning.

Rick nods, "I reckon so. It's probably been about a month since everything went down."

"Harley was born in July. Twenty-second. Eight years ago. Ain't that right?" Dad ruffles my hair, and I giggle, 'cause I'm just so full of happiness that I feel like I'll never be anything else again. He raises his glass; wraps a hand around my shoulders. "Close enough, am I right?"

"Absolutely, that's close enough!" Lori shouts, clapping her hands; rushing for her glass. "My God, this is perfect!"

"We got ourselves a birthday dinner, here, people!" T-Dog whoops, raising his, too.

Rick lifts his glass above his head, and it's official. "To the birthday girl!"

"To the birthday girl!"

Clink, clink, clink.

More cheering. Two toasts in one day. I must be the luckiest girl in the whole, wide world. I bump my glass of water into Dad's glass on my right, and Sophia's on my left. After the scare with the scratches, this celebration means ten times more than a regular birthday would. There's no cake here, or number-candles, but I don't need any of that to make this moment special. I got Glenn singing an off-key Happy Birthday, and I got Jacqui giggling, God, shut that boy up, and I got Sophia hugging me, and I got another year and a whole lotta more days I get to live, with everyone at this table; with my Dad. And when Rick leans over the table, I even let him give me a high-five!

"Eight." Rick raises his eyebrows at me while he sits back down, pointing at me. "Almost double digits."

"You're almost my age!" Grins Carl.

"Good luck." Lori dramatically whispers to my Dad.

He gives me a look. "Listen to me, you ain't allowed to grow any more after this, okay?"

I can't help if I grow!

"Okay, Dad." I laugh. "I promise to be eight forever."

"Good girl." He says, gulping down more wine.

"Hold up." T-Dog sticks his palm out. "This is a birthday party. You know what that means, right? We need to hear at least one embarrassing story."

"Good idea." Jacqui gasps.

Dad makes a big show of scoffing. "Damn, which one you want? I got thousands."

What a traitor!

"I mean, we have all night, here." Shane shrugs, grinning like a little smart-ass. "I'm up for a story-time. How 'bout y'all?"

"Let's hear it," Morales gestures at my Dad.

"Alright." Dad sits back in his chair, crossing his arms. I try leaning over to cover his mouth, but he bats me away, and everyone is already laughing and the story ain't even started yet. "How 'bout— Okay. Okay. Damn, this is a good one. 'Bout when she was five, we bought Harley this skateboard—" Everybody's going, Oh God, 'cause they see where this is going. "Uh-huh. We took 'er down to the skatepark near our house, and there was a bunch of other lil' kids there — 'bout her age — and I'on know how she did it, but these kids were all convinced she was this master skater who was gonna show 'em how it's done. She was coachin' 'em, I think. Showin' off her new board. End of the day, she finally goes to show 'em a trick — 'Member, first day at this damn park — and everyone's watching and—" He claps his hands, smack. "Falls flat on 'er fuckin' face, in front of all of 'em."

Ugh, why'd he have to go and tell that story?

Rick covers his mouth 'cause he's trying not to laugh, 'cause I guess he values whatever dignity I got left but Shane, he's clappin' and trying not to spit his food out, 'cause he's actually a big smart-ass. I'm laughing behind my hands, like Sophia. Glenn's resting his forehead on the table, and he's shakin', so I guess he's laughing, too. When he sits upright, he's crying, and Jacqui's gotta beat his back 'cause he's choking a little bit.

"I'm alri—" He coughs. Then he keeps laughin', which makes it worse. "I'm alright."

"Hey, I ain't even fall that bad!" I defend myself.

He chugs Jacqui's water to save himself.

"Wait—" Lori's chuckling. "Five years old?"

"Yep," Dad goes back to eating. He's satisfied with the damage he's done.

"Pretty brave for that age." Lori tells me, putting on an I'm impressed face.

"Damn, that's pretty bad." T-Dog's shaking his head. "Sorry, girl, but I'm glad I asked, 'cause shit!"

"Leave the poor girl alone." Carol giggles, quietly.

Shane looks off into the darkness, pretending there's a crowd. "Anybody got a skateboard?"

"Oh, shut up." Andrea smiles. "Settle down, or Lori's gonna have to pull that photo out."

"May I ask a question?"

We're all so isolated in this pocket of happiness, celebrating the end of our troubles, that when the scientist speaks, I think we're all a little spooked. Smiles freeze and fade. Glasses lower. Heads turn. We're not the only people in the world, we're all realizing. We'd forgotten all about the reason we came here. That's what potato salad does to people, I guess.

The conversation dies off like a guillotine sliced it in half.

"What were you going to toast to?" The scientist asks, and his voice is like a soft, chilly breeze in a forest. I'm not even sure he was sitting there the whole time. Maybe he's supernatural, and he teleported. That makes me scared. "Before you figured out it was her birthday?"

And just like that, the dinner turns awkward.

Rick clears his throat. "Well, if I'm being completely honest, here, Harley is the reason we came out to the city in the first place. I know I told you that nobody here was infected, but there were a couple days where... we weren't sure. Harley got scratched. We left looking for a cure."

The scientist's eyes roam over to my face, but then they don't leave.

"Now we're on the subject," Shane decides to break the silence, frowning, "How about you tell us what exactly happened here, doc?"

Rick mutters, "We don't have to do this right now, Shane."

"Wait a second." Shane sighs. "You said it yourself, just now. This is why we came all the way out here, right? Figure out what happened? Put all our eggs in one basket, and uh—" He laughs a laugh that tells me nothing is funny here. "Instead we found him. We found one man, talking in riddles. Why is that, you think?"

The scientist tanks the insult. "When things got bad, people just... left, to be with their families. The rest bolted."

I remember just how shocked I was at the size of this building when I first saw it creeping up the windows. It's way too much space for one man. There must have been hundreds of scientists working in here, and now it's just a shell. A cave for a lonely monster.

"Every last one?" Shane whispers, squinting; disbelieving.

The scientist falters, for just a moment, and I can see old pains on his face. "No. Some couldn't face leaving. They... opted out."

The tables goes from quiet to silent. Opted out. I know what that means. It's another one of them things adults say to butter up the truth, and it means killing yourself. I squeak, then, like I've been kicked in the ribs. I hide behind my Dad, who cradles the back of my damp hair, but you can't hide from words once they're in your head. Suicide. Dead, but not an accident — On purpose, with pills, or a gun, or a— a— a bridge. Something snotty gets caught in my throat like a fish-hook, and I'm crying now, at my own birthday dinner. Somebody drops their fork in defeat.

"There was a rash of suicides." Mutters the scientist, immune to his own story; numb. "In a matter of days, I was alone."

"Why didn't you leave?" Asks Andrea.

Carl is crying too, now. I wish I could make him feel better, just for a moment, but I can't.

"I just kept working." Smiles the scientist, but it's not right— It's just muscles, pulling his droopy face upward. "I just wanted to do some good."

Good.

The word reaches up into the ceiling, and leaves us at the bottom, sitting in its echo.

"There is no cure here." The scientist says.

The dinner is over.

Everything comes crashing down as fast as it went flying up.

We were on top of the world just a few hours ago. We were invincible. We had the news that I wasn't going to die in our veins, and then we had hot water and soap and potato salad, and each other. We had hotel rooms and a birthday dinner. But now we just have a dead end and a long list of regrets. There is nothing here for us besides showers, lights, and ghosts. I feel like a trapped animal. I'm a hamster in a maze, going around and around and around, and I can't get out. A rash of suicides. That thing I thought was hiding somewhere, it's this, and it's out, and I'm sorry we ever looked. Please don't let it be worse than it is out here, I remember, Please don't make us regret this.

After what feels like hours, the hallways I'm running down end. I see the game room.

I run inside and corner myself under the table. A cloth hides me from the world outside, and if I pretend hard enough, I can take myself right out of here and into a nice, safe pillow fort, instead. Like the ones I used to make back home. I can be someone else. If I'm in my head, I'm not here.

But then I hear the door open, and it's just a wooden table again, and I'm in the CDC.

"Harley?" It's my Dad, 'cause of course it is. I moan into my hands, crying so hard I'm not getting enough air. "You in here?"

I don't want to be found. I want to be lost.

The cloth lifts.

"Baby, what's wrong?" My Dad asks, but I know he already knows. How could he not know?

There are lots of words that remind me of my Momma, like sunshine, and cigarettes, and the worst — Suicide.

"Get out." I tell him, using my feet to push him away. "Get out."

I should've learnt my lesson back at the quarry, on that night I hit my Dad, but I don't care. I just wanna hurt something. I'm hurting. A rash of suicides. I can't stop hearing it, and I can't stop seeing it — Over and over again, the night on the bridge. Opted out. Suicide. Killing yourself.

Pills, guns, ropes.

Bridges.

"Baby, I know." Dad's saying, grabbing my kicking feet. "I know. Come out. I don't want you thinkin' 'bout this, so come on out."

"I can't help it!" I sob, 'cause I really can't. Something that is too big for my body is happening to me, and I can't stop it.

"H— I know. Just come out." He's begging, and now he's not just holding my feet, he's pulling 'em; pulling me, out from underneath my hidey hole and into the world, even though I want to stay in here forever. He's trying so hard to bury something that's still alive; something that has teeth and jaws, and is eating me from the inside out. He don't wanna see it, and he don't wanna hear it, and he don't wanna deal with it. I wish he'd curl up in my make-believe pillow fort, and hide from the world with me. I wish he'd understand. "You don't gotta be under there. Come out, right now."

Some days I wanna pull my damn hair out.

He's getting angry again. He's holding himself back from something very nasty that lives inside him.

"No," I'm begging him back; begging him to just listen. "No, I don't wanna come out. I don't wanna—!"

I anchor myself to the table leg. We're an unstoppable force and an immovable object, colliding head on for the first time, ever, and it's a disaster. That night at the quarry was nothing.

Furious, my Dad rips the cloth off the table and boxes of puzzles go toppling over onto the floor, breaking into a million little pieces that used to be happily fused. Newly exposed, he easily ducks under and locks his hand around my wrist. I scream, and I close my eyes so I don't have to see my Daddy like this, 'cause it ain't him anymore. He pries my little fingers off the table, one by one by one, and ow, ow, ow, it really hurts. I'm yanked away, and then he's dragging me out by the ankles, shouting—

"Stop actin' like this. You ain't a baby." I hook myself onto a second leg, and he's wrestling with me all over again. "Stop! Mind yer damn father, girl!"

I'm not a baby, but I wish I was, 'cause we were happy back then.

"Stop!" I sob, kicking at him. "J— Leav— Just leave me alone!"

"I ain't leavin' you alone — You know why?" He's seething down to me. "'Cause you need a damn spanking. That's why."

I think back to an hour ago, when I thought I'd only ever be happy for the rest of my life. What a stupid thing to think.

Don't make it any worse, his voice is warning me, from all the times he's done this before.

But it can't get any worse.

In one big pull of strength, I'm forced out from underneath the table once and for all, where I felt safe and small and alone, into the light of the game room where I feel naked, again, for all to see. My face is raw and wet and hurt, and I think one of my buttons got torn off by my Daddy when he was grabbing for me, even though he was the one to fix them before dinner, and on that night in the RV, to show me he loves me. He yanks me to my feet by the armpits, 'cause I can't stand on my own no more, and he crouches to get in my face.

"This is your last fuckin' chance, and then I'm gonna have to take my belt off." He warns me.

"I miss Momma." I whimper.

His face softens, but it's gone so quick I'm sure I imagined it. "Harley," He grinds out, "Stop this."

"You killed her!" I cry, scared, but braver than I ever been at the same time. "You made Momma kill 'erself! You made 'er jump off that bridge!"

I tried so hard to be like my Daddy, but I can't. I can't hide things like he can.

I don't care if he belts me after. I just want him to know. I want him to know that I know, and that I ain't never gonna forgive him. I'd take a thousand beatings just so I could scream the same thing up at him, until my throat bleeds, until I'm nothin' but a voice, until my Momma comes back. People who kill themselves don't wanna come back, but maybe this time, if I was a good enough girl, she might want to. I'd get on my knees, and I'd beg her, and I'd say, Please Momma, I need you. Please Momma, please. Me and Daddy can't do it on our own. She didn't love my Daddy, and my Daddy hated my Momma. He never said it, but I always knew he did. I saw it when he dropped me off at her house; how he didn't wanna leave me with her. I heard people say my Momma was sick in the brain, and that she was a bad Mom, but I loved her.

My parents might be forever separated, but on my face, they are still together. I got my Daddy's flat mouth and my Momma's green eyes. I am proof that hate can create love. I don't feel so loved right now, though. I feel like I'm nothing. I feel like when my Daddy said he loved me, he was lying.

And there it is, my Daddy's hand going for his belt, 'cause I chose to say the worst thing I could think of.

I don't wanna get beat, but sometimes it don't matter what little girls want.

"I want you to think about the way you're speakin' to me." My Dad, the same one that was crying in my baby photo, shouts in my face. "I don't know why you gotta be like this, Harley. I don't know why you gotta make me do this. You were havin' such a good day."

"I'm sorry—" I'm sayin' now. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"You shoulda thought about that before you started bringing this shit back up again. After this, never again, okay?"

He pulls me down into his chest, yanking the back of my shirt up to the base of my neck. I wait for the whip, and the burning sting afterwards.

I can take it. I'll just close my eyes and wait for it to be over.

But before it can come—

"Woah! Hey!" A man's shout. "Hey, hey! Stop!"

The whip doesn't come. I can catch my breath.

Under my Dad's arm, the one that's in the air, poised to beat me, I see a man in the doorway. I almost can't make him out, but there he is — It's officer Shane. The room seems to slap him in the face, like he can't believe what he's just walked into. He's scared to step inside, in case the moment breaks and my Dad chooses to beat me, anyway. Shane's a bastard cop, and it's his job to save people. I never thought I'd be needing saved from my Dad. I still don't think I need saving. I brought this on myself. I wish he'd go away, so it could be over with.

My Dad stands up, his whole body clenched with muscle ready to punch.

"I'm gonna ask you put that down, man." This is the first time I'm hearing Shane's police-man voice. "And to step away from her, okay?"

I feel embarrassed.

I'm kneeling on the floor, grabbing onto the side of the sofa, tryna hide myself again. I don't belong here. I don't want Shane to see me like this. I wanna be the little girl he caught frogs with, not a ball of hurt and tears. Suddenly, this isn't a games room anymore. It's a wolf's den, and I got two of 'em right in front of me, circling each other, ready to bite. I scuttle further into the corner, like if I shrink myself enough, I can just disappear into the floor.

"You ain't askin' me shit, officer." Dad whispers, real nasty. "Ain't no rules, no more. Not so tough, now."

"I'm not gonna ask you again, man." Officer Shane warns, stepping very slowly into room.

He moves toward us, inch by inch, like a man inside a lion enclosure.

"You don't gotta." Dad spits. "Door's right there."

"You're hittin' on little girls, now, Daryl." Shane huffs that mean laugh again. "Sorry, buddy, but that's my business. Come on. Step away."

If Shane had his gun in his holster, his hand would be on it. But we left all our weapons in the bedrooms before dinner. He stretches his fingers; tilts his head. I realize he don't need a gun. He's gonna fist-fight my Dad if he don't do what he says. My Dad, sensing this, chucks his belt on top of the broken puzzles, and stretches out his fingers, too. They're one wrong word away from beating each other to a pulp.

I wanna beg 'em to stop, but my voice is burrowed somewhere deep inside my body, and I can't reach it.

"We don't have to do this, Daryl." Shane's half-way into the room, now. When did he get that close?

"Sure we don't." Dad snarls. "You gonna hit me? Go ahead."

Shane shakes his head. "That's not somethin' I wanna do, man. But you know I will. Step away."

A hiccup I didn't give permission to leave my mouth cuts through the room. Shane glances at me. I don't know who I'm supposed to root for.

"'Step away', huh? Step away from my own daughter?" My Dad scoffs.

Shane glances from me to my Dad, and I can see him start to realize that this angle won't work on my Dad. He holds out his hand. Something about the way he's looking at me is saying, You don't have to be afraid, but I am, and I don't wanna move. I feel like this is my fault. I watch as he flicks his fingers a little, brows raised. "How 'boutchu come over here, Harley, huh?"

Dad blocks me with his body before I can even think about it. "Hey, don't you fuckin' speak to her."

His eyes are back on my Dad. "Just tryna do what's best for everybody, here, Daryl."

My Dad cracks one of his knuckles. "Nah. Nah, I don't think you are. You got it all twisted."

"Don't think I do."

"Yeah?" Dad goads, and every second, I wait for one of them to swing. I can't stand it. "What is it you think you walked in on, then, huh?"

I think my Dad's waiting for the swing, too, 'cause he's so confident that he'll win that he wants officer Shane to try him. He wants to punish him. He wants to show him what happens when you insult a Dixon, 'cause protecting the name is more important than protecting his own body. I think about the way my Dad busted Rick's cheek; How Ronnie's Momma ain't recognise him when my Daddy was done with him.

Shane must be thinkin' the exact same thing, 'cause he starts goading my Dad right back.

"I think I walked in on you beatin' the shit outta your own kid, first of all." Shane shrugs, like it ain't his fault it's fact, and he keeps going when he notices my Dad's breathing get heavy. He's enjoying this. A smile splits his face. "I think we been worrying 'bout Jim this whole time, we been worrying 'bout the wrong man. How 'bout that? You wanted us to be so focused on him, we forget about the real monster."

"That right?" Dad side-steps Shane when he reaches the edge of the coffee-table.

"Sounds right to me, man." Shane says. "Lemme ask you this, Daryl. What is it you think I walked in on?"

I wonder where everyone else is. I wonder if at any second, one of them is gonna walk in.

"It don't matter what I think." Dad shouts, suddenly, and I shriek like I've been struck by the belt. "It's my damn business. It's my damn daughter."

"Yeah, I betchu wish it was." Shane huffs out a chuckle. "Don't want your secret gettin' out, right?"

Shane's like a wriggly little worm, needling my Dad where he don't wanna be needled.

My Dad's patience finally runs out.

He rears back to swing at Shane's head, and his fist is caught and twisted, and I hear Shane grunt in pain, and this is it, so I close my eyes—

Wait.

My eyes are open. That don't make no sense. Why is it so dark? Why can't I see?

I realize that the fight has stopped, and I feel like we've all forgotten about it and are waiting for something to happen.

There's a single murmur throughout the room.

"Was that the power?"

Author's Note.

Cliff-hanger! Mwahahha.

So, obviously, the last scene in this chapter is pretty brutal. I'd like to share why I made the decision to have Daryl act this way, because it could be a shock for some.

For starters, I think it's plausible for a number of reasons. Merle being a bad influence on Daryl, his unhealed childhood trauma and how that affects how he parents his child, and his unhealthy habit of bottling up his emotions, etc.

It's not pretty, I know, and I kind of hated writing that scene, but that brings up my second point. For the sake of the themes and arcs I want to give this story, it was necessary. This story just couldn't exist if it didn't have this scene. I've got, like, three different key subplots linked to it. Maybe you can even guess what they are, because two of them have been hinted at/set up already. They're only going to get more prominent from here on out.

So that's the explanation for anybody who wanted or needed it. You'll see all this play out in the coming chapters, anyway, but I just wanted to provide this in the mean time. :)

Rant over! Phew. Everybody take a sigh of relief.

On a more positive note, everything else in this chapter was a total joy to write! These poor guys deserve some happiness 😌

Hope you enjoyed reading, and as always, please consider sharing your thoughts! Sending love :)

#child abuse #the walking dead #twd fanfiction #twd #daryl dixon twd #daryl dixon daughter #daryl dixon fanfiction #daddy issues #daryl dixon #daryl dixon x reader #parent daryl dixon #rick grimes #fanfic #ao3 fanfic

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amiserableseriesofevents · 10 days

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Clegan theatre AU (actor!Bucky x usher!Buck)

(disclaimer: I am a former theatre kid and I will make it everyone's problem)

Buck is working as a teacher (probably math) but he doesn't have a full contract, just a few substitutions here and there so he needs at least another job (maybe two, I can see him working in a bookshop too).

He's been working as an usher at his local theatre for a few years, Marge and Ken work with him. It doesn't pay much but he's always loved the theatre, so he doesn't complain.

He actually used to act when he was in high school, like with the drama club or something, and he was quite good at it but his father made him stop because “all that makeup and dressing up will make him gay"

The joke's on him because Buck is gay anyway, and no longer in contact with his father, but he never took up acting again because he decided he needed "a more serious career"

A young theatre company, the Bloody 100th, takes up residency in the theatre Buck's working at

Bucky is, of course, one of the actors in the company. Curt, Brady, Benny, and Ham are the other members. Benny is probably also the director. They're all pretty young and they've invested a lot of money (all of it in Bucky's case) in this venture so they really need it to work out

The two Bucks, of course, hit it off right away. They hang out a lot in the theatre, getting to know each other, and the chemistry between them is undeniable.

But Buck's a bit weary about actors for a past bad experience, and he also sees that Bucky is very friendly and touchy with basically everyone and he doesn't want to get hurt again so when things™️ start happening between them he keeps a clear "just friends with benefit, no kissing outside of it, no dates" boundary, not even going all the way because intimacy is really important for him

Bucky of course is absolutely smitten by Buck and would probably marry him on the spot if he asked but he respects his boundaries. He wants more, but most of all he wants Buck so if that's all he can get, he'll take it, no questions asked

Cue to a lot of mutual pining, late nights going over Bucky's lines, both of them wanting more but no one taking the first step because they're both scared of rejection

Marge knows about Buck's conundrums and she tells him he's an idiot, multiple times, but of course he never listens

While going over Bucky's lines, he realizes that Buck is very good at acting, he has a good memory and reads things with the right tone, so he proposes him to audition for the company's next play (that he doesn't even know if they'll be able to produce, because if this play fails they'll lose their money and abort the whole thing)

But acting is still a sore spot for Buck because of his father, so he lashes out and asks Bucky if that's something he does with all his conquests

This sparks a fight, with Buck telling Bucky that he doesn't want to be just another pretty boy in Bucky's collection before he moves onto the next shiny thing, and Bucky getting rightfully pissed because he actually cares a lot about Buck and he doesn't like to be treated like a manwhore just because he likes physical touch

They stop talking for a while, but on opening night something happens that may bring them back together, or keep them apart from good...

Thoughts? Prayers?

I have everything already plotted in my mind (I don't know what the opposite of the writer's block is but that's what's happening to me recently) so I'll probably start working on it as soon as I finish the last chapter in Love at second sight.

These rotten soldiers will be the death of me!

#masters of the air fanfiction #mota #mota fanfic #masters of the air #fanfic ideas #clegan theatre au #buck x bucky #john egan #gale cleven #buckbucky #buck cleven #bucky egan

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ronearoundblindly · 1 year

Note

Bite-size food got me thinking...

I'm picturing Ari pinching a small piece of food between his fingers and asking Reader to have a taste.

(Long story short, his fingers touched her lips and the sexual tension is off the charts🤭🤭)

OOPS. IT GOT SPICY AGAIN... (I am aware that I have forgotten what tense I'm trying to write this in but I'm not going back through to edit, surray.)

Saucy, a Bedrock and Blueprints drabble (see previous)

This started at that 'chick bar' Ari used to hate, the one he always teases you about, but it's because they serve sampler platters.

He thought it was *soooo* stupid, ordered himself a "real, man-sized meal," and then proceeded to ask you what everything on your plate was and if it was good.

So you put some on a fork and tried to move it to his plate for him to taste which was a huge hassle and practically a tiny cutlery duel to get it transferred over. The next time you simply picked it up in your fingers and brought it to his mouth.

This is after Ari's epiphany that he likes you, so what would have probably gone without a second thought is haunting him now. His lips were on your fingers. He could faintly smell the soap from your hand, and he curled his tongue up between your fingers around the bite so he could lick your skin. He claimed it was for the sauce.

Joke is on Ari because if he thought him doing that would have an effect on you, he was very wrong. Not only did that contact torture him all night and quite a few days after, he now has the image of you immediately licking the remaining sauce off your own fingers and has regularly masturbated to the idea.

Then Ari gets bolder and takes a chance on handing you bites. This is also a blessing and a curse. Sure, the first time you were very delicate, no contact with his skin, just plucking the food away with your teeth, but that's not what Ari wanted. He tries again.

He's hoping for your lips and tongue, but he got worse.

In the middle of trying to snag the bite from his fingers, the band changes songs, and it just so happens to be a cover of that one song you've taught him to like--and that weirdly taught him he likes you.

You pause with your whole mouth wrapped around his fingers, huge doe eyes lifting to meet his before you smile. Your hand raises to grab his wrist and push his hand away while you basically slurp the food back. It's milliseconds probably, in reality, in real-time that is not what Ari is experiencing it as.

Because now he has an image and a feeling. He's seen and felt your fingers around the girth of his wrist--and yes, it's just his fucking wrist but he pops a boner right there like a damn teenager, thanking the heavens that the bar is still dark like normal and there's a table in the way--and the feel of suction from your mouth.

And then you grin, and you laugh, and you wipe the corner of your fucking mouth like it's nothing.

It takes the whole song for him to recover, but he's only recovered enough to get you home before he honestly can't even drive back to his own apartment without jacking off with a very detailed instant replay running through his head.

He's lucky he makes it to the house repairs before he snaps. He was bound to break hard when he did though.

[Next Part]

This poor guy. Hope I can finish up the chapter where he gets laid soon 🤣 but it's currently at 4.5k and I'm not done....in fact, I don't think he even has a condom on yet! OMG yikes, this is gonna be long.

#ari levinson fanfiction #ari levison x reader #ari levinson x you #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson fluff #ari levinson smut #ro answers #bedrock and blueprints #series

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sparklyslug · 8 months

Text

I HAVE FINISHED CHAPTER THREE, CRACKED 40K, ANNOUNCED THE POST DATE and according to my serial killer progress spreadsheet, am 68% to my new projected word count (original was 35k lol oh baby look as us now)

To celebrate all of that, here is a sneak peek of some assholes behaving extremely badly:

……

Steve is moodily drawing shapes into the spilled bit of sugar next to his cappuccino (ordered, depressingly, with the hope that he might need his energy for a long night of getting to know the love of his fucking life or whatever) when the chair across from him is finally pulled back.

He startles, with a white-hot flash of near euphoric surprise, until all the light drains out of him a mere second later.

“Of all the gin joints in all the world,” Eddie Munson jokes, the absolute last person Steve wants to see right now.

He wonders if he’s dreaming for a second, less because of how totally unexpected it is to see Eddie here and right now, and more because of how unlike himself Eddie looks. Unlike the Eddie Steve has become used to, anyway: gone is the black suit, black shirt, black tie. Instead, Eddie appears to be wearing jeans (dark blue wash, but still), and a richly-saturated blue turtleneck. Steve’s used to him looking hard, and sharp, but the sweater is all softness, looks as luxurious to the eye as it doubtless feels to the touch. His hair looks a little different too– like he’s put a little pomade in it, or something, the curls pushed back from his face. That, and how Eddie has actually shaved the bit of scruffy stubble Steve had been just getting used to as a part of 1990s Eddie, kind of make his mouth goes dry. It takes a few years off him, it’s closer to the Eddie Steve had known more than ten years ago, but even more alarming than that is how there’s nothing hiding how the line of his jaw is firm. How his chin is stubbornly rounded and strong, and how impossible it is not to notice his full lips. Which are currently twisted up into a smile. Not a particularly genuine one, either.

“No, no, no,” Steve hisses, once the horror dislodges itself from his throat enough for him to form actual words. “You can’t be here right now.”

“Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one,” Eddie remarks. “Granted, usually with a little more that-extradimensional-portal-wasn’t-here-a-second-ago dread to it, but–”

“I mean it, Eddie,” Steve says. “You can’t be here.”

Eddie considers him for a second.

“And yet,” he says. “Here I am. What’s the big deal, Steve? Expecting someone?”

“I am, actually,” Steve says with a sneer. It’s not a lie, and Eddie certainly doesn’t need to know that PK is a depressing forty minutes late.

“Wow, get a load of that blush. That, and the whole delectable, reach-out-and-touch-me ensemble, sure does make a guy wonder some things,” Eddie leans back in his seat, looking unfortunately like he has zero intention of clearing out. “Would this happen to be a date, Steve? Wait a minute– of course it is, you’ve even brought flowers. Well– flower. Singular. So maybe it’s not a hot date, but a date nonetheless.”

To Steve’s mounting horror, he picks up the sunflower laid across the cover of The Wizard of Oz. Waggles its drooping head towards Steve’s with a grin.

“Would you believe me if I told you that this happens to be my favorite flower?” Eddie says, before slipping the stem between his teeth. Wiggles his eyebrows suggestively like he’s about to do a tango, or something.

“I would not,” Steve says through gritted teeth, making a half-hearted gesture to try and get the flower out of Eddie’s mouth while also not drawing any attention to the two of them (it’s really impossible to accomplish both things, so he quickly gives up). “It would just be more bullshit, as usual.”

Eddie fortunately takes the flower out of his mouth, rubbing a thumb over the clear marks of where his teeth were pressed around the stem, as though he could smooth away the indentations they’d left behind. The sight of it makes Steve almost want to cry.

“I don’t bullshit you, Steve,” Eddie says, and Steve would almost think it was serious from the look in his eyes, if it wasn’t for the way he’s still grinning at Steve’s discomfort. “And it’s true– one of many things you might find out, if you got to know me.”

#a very iconic scene from Youve Got Mail that I have rewatched MANY MANY TIMES #steddie bang #my fic #spoilers if you care about that????#this is close to the end of chapter 3 so there’s lotta fic left after this spoiler might be a strong word but anyway

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shmaptainwrites · 11 months

Text

[CH.9] New Doctor on the Block

Chapter 9: Second Chance

Pairings: Hawkeye Pierce x fem!Reader

Characters: Hawkeye Pierce, B.J. Hunnicutt, Father Mulcahy

Summary: B.J. encourages Reader to talk to Hawkeye about how she really feels

Warnings: mentions of death, insecurity

Note: And that's it! The last chapter of the first installment! I hope you guys enjoyed this and stay tuned for book 2!

Series Masterlist - NDotB Masterlist - Two's Company Masterlist

“What happened to you?” B.J. asked, walking into the mess tent the next day for breakfast. “You look terrible.”

“I didn’t sleep last night,” you stared solemnly at your uneaten breakfast and coffee.

“That’s funny,” he said sitting down. “Neither did Hawkeye.”

“B.J. I’m not in the mood right now for any teasing,” you rubbed your temples and closed your eyes.

“Not teasing,” he said. “I’m serious, what’s going on with you two?”

“Maybe ask me later,” you mumbled, “Here take my food I’m not hungry,” you slid the plate over to him and got up to leave the tent when the door opened and Hawkeye stood in front of you.

You both stared at each other for a moment before you gathered your senses and stepped aside so he could pass. He did without much of a glance in your direction and you quickly scuttled out of the tent.

When Hawkeye came to sit at the table with B.J. and Father Mulcahy, who had since joined him, B.J. didn’t waste a second in interrogating his friend.

“What was that?” he asked.

“What was what?” Hawkeye picked at his powdered eggs and looked up tiredly at his friend and the priest who shared their table.

“I believe B.J. is referring to your interaction with Captain Tomasson,” Father Mulcahy interjected.

Good thing I’m not the only one concerned about this . B.J. thought to himself.

“It’s nothing,” Hawkeye said, placing a forkful of eggs in his mouth. “Just a very simple case of my actions coming back to haunt me. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he ate a couple more spoonfuls of breakfast before standing up. “I’m due in post-op.”

B.J. shook his head and sighed when Hawkeye left the table and turned to Father Mulcahy.

“Any ideas on what to do, Father?”

“None at the moment,” he shook his head. “Perhaps they both need some time and prayers. I know Hawkeye will come to talk to you about it.”

B.J. asked about you.

“That one you might have to corner, but give her some breathing room,” he suggested. “She should share when she’s ready.”

“What if she’s never ready?”

“That’s the million dollar question,” the Father sighed and B.J. ran a hand across his face, he had a feeling the next few days were about to suck more than they usually did.

—

As per B.J.’s assumption, the next few days were nothing short of hell. It was as if to you, Hawkeye had fallen off the face of the planet and Hawkeye was doing a pretty good job himself pretending you weren’t there when he wasn’t distracting himself with games, practical jokes, and booze.

The whole team could feel the shift, It had almost gotten to the point of affecting their work.

“Hey, what are you doing? You need to clamp that first,” B.J. remarked while he assisted you with a surgery.

“Oh, right, sorry,” you shook your head. “My head’s just not here.”

“Your head hasn’t been here for a while now,” he commented. “After our shift, we’ll take a walk. Just you and me and that’s not a suggestion.”

“Sure I can’t take a rain check?”

“You’ve been rain-checking me for over a week.”

“Alright,” you sighed. “Clamp, please.”

“Yes, doctor,” the nurse passed you the instructed tool and you managed to finish that patient with only a few minor hiccups.

There were still a few more wounded that needed to be tended to so you prepared to be an anesthesiologist for a bit while B.J. took the reins. You took one of the last patients and then washed up side by side with B.J. dreading your walk.

“You look like you’d rather be slicing open another soldier than out here with me right now,” he chuckled. “Am I really that bad?”

“No,” you shook your head, “but your questions are.”

“And what do you think I’m going to ask you?” he shoved his hands in his pockets as you trudged along the compound.

“About Ben,” you chewed your lip.

“Bingo,” he nodded and looked down at you. “What happened that night? I’ve tried asking but Hawkeye won’t talk to me either. You guys are my friends and this place is already lousy enough without you two not talking to each other.”

You stayed silent.

“So? Come on, spit it out.”

“He kissed me and I freaked out, okay?”

B.J. nodded his head. “Ah, I see.”

“What? That’s it? Just ‘ I see ’?” you asked.

“Well, why did you freak out?”

“I-I…It’s hard to explain,” you looked down at your feet.

“Try me,” he shrugged.

You thought about it for a minute, trying to see what words you could use for it to make sense.

“A terrible thought, but let’s say Peg passed away,” you started. “You have to take care of Erin, she’s your top priority and providing for her is the most important thing.”

B.J. nodded, following your train of thought.

“You’re heartbroken that Peg is gone, obviously, but over time your heart aches a little less, then a little less, then a little less, until finally, you think you start to feel something other than ache. But you can see right in front of you is that same situation that took Peg away from you in the first place. Would you risk it? Just because your heart felt something other than pain for a little while? Just because maybe, just maybe you thought she’d make you happy again?”

B.J. was thoughtful a moment before responding.

“I think I would risk it. And I’m not just saying that,” he assured you.

“Why?” you asked.

“Well, why don’t I put it this way,” he said, taking a turn in your seat. “If you could go back and change life so you wouldn’t have met your husband and wouldn’t have to go through losing him, would you do it?”

“No,” you didn’t hesitate to answer. “I wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for anything in the world.”

“So what you’re saying is if you love someone, or even think you could love someone, maybe the hurt is worth it because you’d still have whatever little time you were able to have together?”

You let out a shaky breath and chewed on your lip before admitting, “B.J. it scared the crap out of me. How the hell am I supposed to make up for that? He probably hates me now.”

“Why don’t you talk to him first and find out,” B.J. suggested. “Hawkeye Pierce is a stubborn man, set in his ways, but I don’t think I’ve seen someone more successful in getting him to change his mind. Unintentionally at that.”

You nodded your head slowly.

“Why don’t you go over to the swamp now? He should be there alone, Frank has post-op and I’ll stay out of your way for a while.”

“You sure Beej?” you asked. “We just pulled a long shift, you're probably exhausted.”

“I’m not as exhausted as I am hoping all this gets resolved. I’ll sit in the mess tent for a while and drink some coffee. Don’t worry about me too much.”

You nodded your head again and turned to go towards the swamp before turning around and tapping B.J. on the shoulder, causing him to look back and allow you to give him a hug.

“Thank you, B.J. You’re a good friend and I’m sorry I’ve been a bad one.”

“Don’t mention it, and you haven’t been a bad friend, just subpar,” he teased and you let out an airy chuckle.

He wished you luck before you turned off to go quickly get changed and head over to the swamp. It was late so you wore a pyjama shirt and pants and pulled a housecoat over yourself to keep warm from the slight breeze outside.

When you came to the door of the swamp you knocked three times on the door.

“Just a minute,” you heard Hawkeye inside. “Alright, come in.”

You opened the door and saw his back was turned to you, taking some laundry off a clothesline.

“Ben, can we talk?” you asked, stepping inside.

“Talk,” he nodded slowly. “We haven’t done that in a while.”

“No we haven’t,” you agreed. “C-Can I sit?” you asked, pointing to the stool.

“Please,” he nodded and sat across from you in his cot. “So what was so urgent you had to come and disturb my laundering?”

“I wanted to apologize,” you said simply. “For how cold I’ve been this past week, for…for the way I reacted that night.”

“Wasn’t exactly the standing ovation I was hoping for.”

You chuckled a little, nervously, and scratched the back of your neck.

“You were right, m-my worries and concerns didn’t have to do with my lack of faith in you. I think I was too caught up in my past to see what my future could look like.”

He raised a brow and you continued.

“And I think I like the look of it with you in it. I-If that’s still something you’d want,” you added quickly.

“What about all this fear of uncertainty? Unless I missed something we still can’t control everything that happens in this war otherwise I’d be in Maine and you’d be in New Hampshire.”

“A good friend made me realize that the time we have with someone, however short it might be, is still worth the hurt we might feel if it ends.”

“B.J.?” Hawkeye asked and you both laughed and nodded. “Yeah, that sounds like something B.J. would say.”

“Maybe we can start things out normally?” you suggested. “Set the scene, anywhere in the world.”

He thought about it for a moment before settling on, “Dover, New Hampshire. A bar off the corner of a street, near the hospital.”

You smiled and stood up to go and sit next to him.

“Hi, I saw you from across the bar.” You offered him your hand. “I’m a single mother of two, I work as a trauma surgeon in the ER at the hospital down the road. My husband died in the Korean War and I’ve been wondering if I’d ever get a second chance at what I had with him. I think you’re my second chance.”

Hawkeye smiled and took your hand. “Hi, I’m Ben Pierce,” he said, “and I’d love to be your second chance.”

“You sure? I’ve got a lot of baggage?” you joked.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of trunk space,” he assured you and you both laughed. “I’ll take you to the movies tomorrow and prove it.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” you agreed and shook on it.

You both stood up and Hawkeye walked you to the door, but before you left he asked you a question.

“Can I give you a kiss goodnight?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh no reason, just once a girl gave me a cup of tea and in return, I gave her a kiss and she freaked out on me. Just wanted to make sure,” he teased.

“I’m never gonna live that one down am I?”

“I dunno, let’s see how well you do with this one, then we can talk,” he took your face in his hands and you looked up at him with the first sparkle of hope in your eyes that you’d had since your husband died.

He leaned down and closed the space between you, your arms pressed against his chest.

When you pulled apart he looked at you with a cheeky smile on his lips,

“Now I’m really not going to be able to say no to lunch with your family when we get back.”

“Ben, you always know what to say, don’t you?”

“It’s a gift,” he shrugged.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you stepped up on your toes and pecked his lips. “Your tip.”

He gave you a small peck back, “Your change. Goodnight.”

“Yeah, goodnight,” you smiled and stepped back, giving him a small wave before leaving the swamp and going to let B.J. know his tent was now danger free, but you were sure the lovesick smile on your face did more than your words ever could.

Tags: @montyfandomlove @robin-the-enby

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