#ive had a really bad day
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Warning(?) I'm complaining about my grades because I feel like I'm DYING and they're really not bad but oh my god
As of today I have a C in my history class I hope something terrible happens so I don't have to think about that
#im kidding sort of#mostly not#im going to try not to spend my whole winter break beating myself up about this#but ik i will anyways#it's not my fault i had like a mental health crisis last month but it really feels like it is#i should have kept up anyways i cant live with this#I'm doing remediation its going to be ok#or will it#i dont know if it will be ok#i feel like i woke up out of a haze and now im aware and i want to do well again#like if i was about to run a race but right before we start someone comes up and breaks my leg so i have no chance of winning from the star#im not technically failing anything i have all As and Bs minus like two classes BUT those two classes are super high level#amd im so fucked if i cant compete in those classes#i cant get dropped idk whst ill do#bawl my eyes out probably#ive had a really bad day#i have ONE. DAY. to get the remediation for these two classes it and that is IT#tomorrow is all i have and its a short day so i have even less time#the world is against me and my academic success#blood sweat and tears#lots and lots of tears
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in light of tedtrent becoming so real, im also jumping on the tedtrent epilogue 馃槉
there's just no way ted wouldn't keep in touch with the others (and have weekly zoom meetings just like in the christmas special) and I just love the thought of the whole team having reunions once in a while.
and going back to trent's arc in s3, the sunflowers conversation, "And your daughter?" "She's never been happier." I think it could go the same for ted.. we've never really properly saw how henry felt about his dad being in london, it's always other people that told ted his son misses him, who's to say henry would rather see his dad happy because that in turn would make him happy too? he was there to win the whole thing, right? I just know ted鈥檚 story isn鈥檛 done yet when he still hasn鈥檛 learned to let others take care of him in return and who else to pair him with than the man who blew up his career because a man was nice to him (and also because they were so. so cruel for the fakeout tedbecca scenes for that finale) 馃ズ
I'm no writer so just pretend these are snapshots of a slow burn fic where ted visits london for their team reunion and slowly realizes that trent has a crush on him and they kiss about it 馃挍
#ted lasso#trent crimm#tedependent#ted lasso fanart#tedtrent#ted x trent#I HAVE SOOOOOO MUCH MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS BTW its just that its 4am rn and i cannot type down my thoughts for the life of me </3#im just so not over that ending and how weird it felt for ted to end his story like that.. not like he can turn back to michelle since#dr. jacob is right there.. i want this man to feel loved and cared for and actually have a place he knows he can call home and that was#richmond for me.. to the family we were born with. and to the family we make along the way etc etc etc#ted lasso spoilers#<- FORGOT ABOUT THAT.#i can finally say i loved the ending for all the callbacks and stuff but I NEED THIS MAN TO BE HELDDDD!!!!! *everything explodes around me*#he even went back there WITHOUT BEARD :( his bestfriend for sooo long who was there for all their ups and downs. i dont like beard and jane#being together but the fact ted didnt even go to their wedding too like ...??! what is going onnnn#also graying lasso is just something so indulgent for me . hush#pn.art#JUST YKNOW!!! I HOPE YALL UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING ITS REALLY REALLY LATE I PROBABLY SHOULDVE WAITED TILL LATER TO POST THIS BUT JAHJVAKDG#my memory is really bad too so i could also be misremembering scenes and im too eepy to check the scenes i had in mind so u_u#ALSO apologies that its taking me sooo long to draw things i recently joined a mc server and ive been playing it all day and night HFSJGFSH#im sooo scared of making these type of posts because i dont have the balls to make the wrong choices in other people's eyes but GRAAH!!!!!#<- i love tedtrent bUT WHAT IF PEOPLE THINK IM CRINGGGEEEE!!!!!#THATS ALL.... i have more drawings in mind that ill get around to later.. for now goodnight <3
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ponytober day 23: favorite episode
#princess celestia#princess luna#mlp#mlp fim#My Little Pony#my little pony friendship is magic#my art#fanart#literally drew this in 30 minutes dont look at me#i was so busy all day#and also ive got a bad case of uhhhh. Depression#so i really had to crank this one out#but im just happy to have something to post#ok 30 mins is hyperbole. it was more like 45 mins
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literally nobody asked for it, but here's my list of saltburn essays that i've slowly been drafting over the course of the last week which WILL be required reading for anybody trying to engage with me about this movie. my very personal saltburn 101 syllabus just dropped
A Wolf in Deer's Clothing: Saltburn's Attempt at Innocence
an examination of party costumes and our character's last attempts to masquerade as something they're not: felix鈥攁n angel, all-forgiving and all-knowing, something to be worshiped; and oliver鈥攁 prey animal, prey to class-divide, prey to saltburn, prey to felix.
thoughts about oliver specifically are loosely organized in my #bambi tag
A Midsummer Night's Mare: Farleigh Start as the Ultimate Victim of Saltburn
a farleigh character study, about the ways he was mistreated and manipulated at saltburn, about fighting to stay alive and the scars left behind by knowing when to give in
alternatively titled "QuickStart", may be adapted into a conclusive essay specifically focusing on oliver and farleigh's relationship
The Eye of the Beholder: On Saltburn's Voyeurism & Violence [working title]
how wealth and class pushes the catton's toward the volatile reality of being able to look, but not touch. on desire and the lack thereof, and portraying yourself as an object to be desired
may end up as two separate essays on wealth and aestheticism but i'm pushing toward a conclusive essay about the intersection of the two, which i feel is at the heart of saltburn
alternatively titled "Poor Man's Pudding: A Melvillian Approach to Saltburn's Class", again, may be adapted into it's own essay
Gender-Fluid: A Study in Sexuality and Saltburn's Desire to be Dry
a deep dive into the bodily fluids of saltburn and how oliver upsets the standard of men who are just so lovely and dry. on the creative choice to lean into the messy wetness of sex and desire and the audience's instinct toward repulsion
a celebration of the grotesque and an examination of why we would label it as such
least developed of the four, heavily inspired by @charnelpit's lovely post about the fluids in saltburn
if anybody is actually interested in any of these, i can work toward something closer to a finished piece instead of just bullet points and quotes in a google doc, but mostly this is so i can share my very brief takes on a multitude of themes in saltburn that have been haunting me
edit for people seeing this in the future: all posts about my essays are being organized into my #saltburn 101 tag if you鈥檙e interested in following these through to development!
#saltburn#saltburn posting#really desperately need someone to pay me to write saltburn essays all day#or else these will never be more than a smattering of bullet points#and these are only the most developed of the millions of the thoughts that i've had rolling around in my brain this last week#idk if lengthy meta-essays are interesting to literally anyone other than me#but if any of these speak to u and u have thoughts abt them#of course u are welcome to send them my way#i think all of these were born out of either seeing bad fandom takes (ie. everything ive seen about farleigh and oliver)#or rly good fandom takes that haven't been talked about enough like the fluids thing#anyway#oh also if u want any interview clips that back up any of these ideas i have a list thats like a million miles long#and would be happy to dig for any specific things im talking about here#bambi#also also im sorry i kno the colon in academic essay titles is so overused i just love a subtitle sm#i love love love a clever little essay title. titling my essays was literally my favorite part of the essay process in college#saltburn 101
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Lockscreens 馃惏馃┓馃棟
#realized i can have like 15 on this phone lmao#ive had the lee know one for months and one time i really did think someone messaged me have a bad day and was like#um. fuck you. lmaoooooo#skzedit#stray kids#skz#skz lockscreens
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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day 38
it was 3 hours. i had to lay down immediately.
#day 38#year 5#it me#and look it was not the fault of ANY of the actors. they all did phenomenally well.#it was a bad script. it wanted to be a comedy so bad....#the lines were all delivered with the cadence and attitude of something that SHOULD have been a joke but just. was Not.#there was also no plot it was just A Series Of Things Happening#in the interest of not being a shitty little hater i will not name it but suffice it to say it was kind of niche anyway#AND IT WAS THREE HOURS. I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE THREE HOURS OR IF THE ACTORS WERE JUST TALKING SLOW.#they took so many long breaks for laughter that simply was not there.... i felt so bad.#i wanted to leave at intermission but the crowd and venue was so small it would have been incredibly fucking obvious#i couldnt do it to those poor actors#WHO AGAIN WERE ALL DOING REALLY WELL THEY HAD INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE VOCALS FOR BEING IN THE WORST COMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION IVE EVER SEE
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oh the dread, oh the worry! you love your sister so much and you need to know shes okay. you trust her but you cant trust the world, and more than anything else you cant trust yourself
#jrwi riptide#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide spoilers#jrwi show#gillion tidestrider#edyn tidestrider#RAHHH IVE HAD THIS ROTTIN IN DRAFTS FOR A BIT but im finally here n ready to POST!!!!#SO THE LIL GILLION AND EDYN ARC HUH??#gillion as a character makes me so emotional. he means so well yet sucks so bad in every way he wish he didnt#HE CARES SOO MUCH ABOUT HIS SISTER. MAN HAS NEVER CRIED EXCEPT FOR THE DAY HE SAW HER AGAIN#HE WAS SOOO HAPPY TO SEE HER AND FIND OUT SHES OKAY. I ALSO REMEMBER SCREAAAAMIN WHEN SHE FIRST APPEARED#I HAD BEEN THINKIN ABOUT EDYN FOR SO LONG... ohhh older sisters where u at... u understand... only us older sisters get it#andNOW WHERE IS SHE..? WHERE IS SHE NOW.... working with the navy to 'undo' what the undersea has done to her precious baby brother#OKAY ENOUGH EMOTIONS TIME FOR ME TO TALK ABT MY ART#REAAALLY THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST DOODLE PAGES SO FAR. IM SO PROUDA THE COLORS N THE SCENES AND THE EMOTIONS#the lil scene with edyn comforting gillion after 'a day of alot of failure. that was the first we ever saw of edyn right? i love my colors#A MIRROR! edyn painted in red when shes often blue. framed by rock and coral and memory sharing bracelets and fire.#A MEMORY! a recent event! finding her at the bar and meeting her at a tavern. its cathartic to hear your older sister tell you its okay#even more cathartic to have her remind you that you are not your tragedies. you were just a kid. you didnt deserve what happened.#you really missed having her here#OH BUT THE NEXT. A NOTE LEFT BEHIND. NOTHING ELSE. i love you a million gillion#BUT THATS NOT A REASSURANCE IS IT? its a trust fall. emphasis on the fall. emphasis on the needle in your chest as wind rushes past#you anticipate the ground but you wish you could anticipate her arms. you wish you could trust. you need to trust. so why cant you?#instead you lash out. again. just like last time. just like always. you were never good at controlling your emotions#all you do in the end is break stuff. none of them can trust you. thats why she cant tell you. thats why he didnt tell you. noone trusts yo#chips got way too many damn belts btw. put some o those back boy u do NOT need all that mess jingling around ur gay hips. you FRUIT!!!!!!!!#I liked the scene with jay n chip dragging gillion around. its a comical scene ofc and i LOVE that balance here. but that sadness remains.#they care about gillion so much..... auuwuuuu.....#OKAY FINAL THOUGHTS. I RLY LIKE DRAWING DIFFERENT TEARS FOR DIFFERENT TYPES OF CRYING#when the tears well up so big from uncontainable joy that you cant even see
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i wish i could just play the sims in a carefree way and make little legacy posts but alas, i am a chronic perfectionist and if every bit of what i make or post isnt perfect i get upset and rage-delete it lmao
#ren ramblings#its such a bad habit but like.#i cant have something published that im not happy with#and it seems im never happy unless something is perfect which it never is#which is why u probably have noticed ive never really had luck when posting gameplay lol#ive had some technical issues along the way but mainly i just ragequit and delete everything#sigh maybe one day i will be less difficult in that regard#but i dont see that happening ANY time soon
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Hey, do you remember that really homoerotic scene from Skyfall? No? That's okay, here's a Vettonso version of it :)
- explanation & w/o text:
Hi hello, finally my weird psychosexual relationship with Casino Royale has come to fruition. Yeah this is directly based off a scene from Skyfall, but I def envision the vibe as being more like Casino Royale hehe. I can't believe I made that inspo board for this AU almost 4 weeks ago, and then ended up drawing a four panel "comic" about it. Ahhhh proud of myself, a bit, a tad. I think this took 20+ hours across the span of a week? God. Anyways I digress! The AU!!
First of all, their Bond song would be "My Way of Life" by Frank Sinatra. It's so toxic, codependent and obsessive, I'm in love with it. And it really suits Fernando and his motivations and outlook in this AU. Basically, MI6(in the context of James Bond) in this AU is an analog for Ferrari. It picks theses guys up, tells them that they're Ferrari MI6's most special boy, chews them up, and then spits them out when they're finished extracting all their talent and skill and life force.
Much like with Ferrari, Seb in this AU replaces Fernando after Fernando loses favor and becomes undesirable. Now Seb is the new golden boy, and Fernando has turned to a life of crime! Fernando resents Seb for this of course, but also becomes obsessed with him and the idea of him , and how they are connected. It's weird to watch someone else basically go down your exact same path and unknowingly make all the same mistakes(buying into the mysticism of it all too much, being overly cocky, having naive beliefs and goals, etc.) He is caught between wanting to doom Seb even more but also wanting to "save" him, by corrupting him and convincing him to work together.
Basically: He's both a Bond girl and Bond villain.
Fernando is in such a weird place in this AU. I think he's just very dramatic. Seb is just casually living his best 007(005?) life, and Nando is watching him with binoculars, whispering to himself: "DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE NARRATIVE FOILS!?" Yeah he hates Seb, but like the song lyrics say, their lives and dreams are inherently tied up together. He would feel lost without Seb, because Seb basically, unknowingly, destroyed and then took over his life. Maybe he'll feel satisifed if he manipulates Seb into going down the exact same path a bit better.
About the drawings themselves. Still can't believe this scene is a real thing that actually happened, insane to me. But in this AU, after the events of these drawings, Fernando definitely kicked all his henchman out of the room, and fucked Seb in the chair. And then against the wall. And then on the floor. Hey man, Seb is already looking mighty delicious with his unbuttoned attire and being tied up.
I think the general plot would be that Fernando keeps trying to seduce him to the dark side, and Seb keeps making him think it worked, only to escape at the end of the encounter. Leading Fernando to just come up with increasingly more violent and kinky traps. Seb goes along with it(read: enjoys it), leaving Fernando satisifed, only to somehow escape and wink and make kissy faces at Fernando in the process. (Fernando smoking cigarette in bed: "How do I make him stay. Sigh.")
I like to think though that Fernando does win in the end, by realizing, ah wait shit I do need to actually explain my motivations to Seb. And Seb is so worn down by his job, not Fernando, and how he's being treated, that he listens, really actually listens, and realizes Fernando does really have valid reasons. And then they become evil crime husbands yayyyy. Wow you thought this was a espionage AU? Well it is, but just not the outcome you'd expect.
#ah well this was certainly a project....#rn i feel like im devolving into illness so im glad i could finish this up before it possibly gets worse#this is my magnum opus as of rn. just bcs ive not really drawn such a longform thing for them!! happy w it :)#i think i def like the first one the best#it made me suffer so bad but i think i soften on my own art after a few days#like i finish it and know its 'good' but cant help but critique every little thing#but ive had that one done for almost a week so now i look at it and really love it#i was originally just going to draw that one only but then realized i really like the full dialog so. might as well.#generally i liked this though bcs even if it ws difficult. it was nice to have really direct and clear reference#like ah ik where im going w this rather than it being an image in my head that i cant represent the way that I want#ah anyways all my vettonso aus tend to be just wanting to explore specific dynamics of theirs#and this one is basically how i feel about their mutual relationship to the institution of ferrari and how it affects their dynamic#basically: THEY'RE MIRRORS!!!#there's always something to be said abt nando being resentful abt seb bcs of 2010/2012/etc and then seb taking his seat at ferrari#but then witnessing seb basically go thru the same trials and tribulations and failures at ferrari#and realizing huh wait maybe he's not who i was villianizing him as. maybe hes at my level too. maybe he's not infallible. maybe hes like m#a very bitter nando who has to fight btwn his impulse to ruin seb further or to relate to him and start to like him#so yeah that's ^ basically what i want to portray in this au(just like all AUs tbh)#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#catie.rambling.txt#catie.art.#vettonso#bond au
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#i am not doing well in this battle of the sinuses#yalls is the pollen as bad up north as it is down here#pollen#pollen allergy#why is it like this#ive never really had this bad of a pollen reaction before#i have been sneezing ALL FRICKEN DAY
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in conclusion the most poignant thing about ruina is its running theme of Imperfection. imperfection, focused not on its flaws, but on the miracle of it existing to begin with. imperfection not as a failing, but as a triumph. its cracked, broken, deeply in need of repair-- but it's real and its ours and it exists. despite everything it exists and that enough is a relief beyond words, beyond expression. to present a toppled structure not as a conclusion, but an opportunity.
its the choice-- and the joy-- of looking forward, unflinchingly, and facing it. one step at a time.
#piktalk#projmoon#didnt want to . make a bigger tagwall than i already made . ae if ur reading this uhhhhhh sorry <33 hai KSJNFD#anyway one of these days i might get th voice to really truly put down everything and what it means in regards to . [motions w hands]#but this ones just on my mind right now. something abt the presentation of ruina just fucking Kills and this is the big reason why#ilike. had to take a good couple hours after th finale to just simmer with it. because well..#again. its imperfection. every other story has such stark; lined up beats and paths and Messages Youre Supposed To Take#which ive spoken on before-- and it isnt a bad thing necessarily! but it does really speak something; quietly;#for those whose development Isnt That Neat. that Isnt That Kind. to themself or to others. im no expert; but it really does mean something#that ruina is written in such a way where there is no 'this is wrong and heres how they fix it to be forgiven'#or 'this is right and what everyone should do to be a Good Person'#angela simply Is. roland simply Is. they all simply Are. they make choices; have hopes; dreams; things they care about--#and theres no overarching echo of What Should Be. simply what people do; and what people hope for.#um. anyway. tag wall again; in conclusion: Why Dont You Go Listen To Poems Of A Machine And Maybe Then Youll Calm Down
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my second return to Earthbound but this time it took 8 months after i got hit with rhe ao3 writer effect I have healed... I am here to feed you again馃┓
#fanart#my art#earthbound#mother 2#ness earthbound#paula earthbound#paula jones#jeff andonuts#poo earthbound#it has come to my attention that ness was implied to be fat this whole time and i just missed it cuz im dumb#formally give my apologies i am sorry for drawing him as a stick before 馃挃#anyway#I KNOW IT TOOK LIKE. ALMOST 8 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST DRAWING OF EARTHBOUND IM SORRY馃拃馃拃#i got new lore then im sorry my lore got crazier that day so i had begun associating Earthbound with it and could not look at it馃拃馃拃#BUT I AM HEALED.... it would have been very bad if i hadnt by this point honestly wdym it has been 8 months#ypu have no idea what i have in my drafts rhay ive been cookin now that im back im hellbent on finishing it up.#im sorry for the huge amount of slang there im really tryna walk around it馃拃
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the thing about art is. sometimes you will whine and cry and refuse to do a thing that art advice people keep telling u will make drawing better/easier. until for an unrelated reason you end up having to try it. and then it will actually. infuriatingly. disgustingly. be fun and/or help your art somewhat.
#sillytalking#ive had really bad eyestrain problems these past few days#so among other things . to draw ive had to work onto a coloured background instead of just the default pure white cuz it would hurt too muc#and can you believe it. all the people who said working onto a pre-coloured background would help with ur colour picking. were right.#it does help. im start biting
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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eeeekk hi again everyoneee!!! i'm gonna allow myself today to post one art because i miss sharing my stuff on my blog :]]
red sprites: (x)
#~ art#鈾ワ笍 appleshipping#ueeee theyre here <3...#speaking of red. bad news tho. my soulsilver gameplay got corrupted. all my games got corrupted...#so uh....... vs red battle has to... be postponed again. this game hates me so much fr /lh i have ... to restart ...#i even had a misdreavus named xyla and i love her so much!!! she was hard to catch!!!#im just gonna jump back to emerald from square one since i felt like doing a reset too (didnt like my team that much lmao)#umm!! anyways. stuff is okay lately. pokemas is cheering me as usual and being away from tumblr with little visiting helped a lot#been hanging with my besties and we did something fun together all that fun stuff ehhee#but im still going to stay close to my promise that ill redownload tumblr after hiatus haha#umm on a lighthearted note... ive been really interested in legends arceus lately! ive been cooking jaide's ancestor design#and both jaides have an official surname now <3 (it's evergreen!) the oc is professor evergreen :33#i think i just used this artpost to talk about how ive been doing lately LMAOOOO#i actyally have a lot of things i wanna talk about here like not even lore related ahdsjfdkafsa#like... how everyone's been speculating about pokemon day 2024 and how everyones thinking we might get bw remakes....
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