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holographicang3l · 3 years

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My hot take on the Evangelion 3.0+1.0 movie

-40 mins of shinji crying, trying to get over the trauma seeing Kaworus head explode and splatter across the window is relatable.

- Mari confused the fuck out of me. Her existence didn't make much sense but ok. Too much boob shots, too much fan service.

- Asukas story was good. Liked that she's also a Type series like Rei. Too much fanserves. They put a shit ton of detail on her naked body. I hated it.

- the Angel concept of Asuka was cool though it was predictable.

- So little of Ritsuko and Misato. Little to no personality.

- Kaji probably controlled Mark 6 to cut off Liliths head to stop the impact. (theory / headcanon / could have been kaworu as well but damn)

- hated that everyone was blaming shinji even tho he saved everyone at the same time. Ungreatful people, trying to blame a kid for ALLL the mess is pretty messed up.

- Kaworu and Asukas soul piloting Eva 13 lmao (I assume at least that's the case)

- I was laughing so ugly about the animation fo 3d Rei. Didn't give me the creeps, I was just making fun of it.

- some scenes are quiet awkwardly cut.

-I HATED the 3d fight between Eva 13 and Eva 1. It felt unfinished and unpolished.

- I did like the trueman show style of backdrop in the fight, where Eva 01 slammed through the scene wall.

- funny headless mannequin flying hand in hand 3d style. Looked ugly af but I can see the artistics in it.

- Weird but, the voice of Fuyutsuki sounded off, as if it was wrongly recorded. Maybe it was just me.

- "The key of Nebukadnezar ITS FULL CYCLE BOYS" urgh.

- Shinji putting the fucking dss choker on like the Chad he is.

- finally got in the fucking robot. What a huge Chad.

-crying kaworu was nice. Made him more human.

- didn't see it as if Shinji thinks Kaworu as his father figure, Idk how people can interpret that shit. They just come off as similar. Just because I see someone similar to a family member doesn't mean that I see them as a father or mother figure yall just interpret what you want to.

- Timeloop theory confirmed, we did it boys, depression is no more.

- it felt like a shit ton of things got cut off due to the awkward pacing, dialouge and some scenes.

- Ryo-chan I can't fucking-

- Commander Nagisa ✨ It was all an elaborate plan. Kaworu probably developed the Anti L- barrier thing or at least helped. (headcanon)

- Kaji was like father to me (probably kaworu somehow)

- melon farmer Kaworu confirmed

- Adult shinji, bantering with Mari.

-don't like the boob thing tho.

- hated the fan service. Loaded like a baked potato.

-Rei was fucking cute

- I would die for her.

- Fuck gendou

-I will not sympathies with a fucking egomaniac.

- dude fucked humanity bcs he couldn't accept the death of his wife.

- super obsessed.

-what a moron. I swear.

- Gendo hugging Shinji was cute tho.

- can't accept his apology tho, still asshole, can go rot in hell.

- All parents are assholes in Eva except Touji and Hikari.

-Tsubume and Rei fucking cute I swear.

- Kensuke is the ultimate winner, he looks handsome. Would fuck

- Rei and the farmer woman were cute, I want more content.

- End scene was stupid.

- the ending in general was good tho.

- felt bitter sweet but also satisfying.

- One LAST kiss slaps

- What if?: orchestra, piano slapped my soul into the Anti universe and now I'm sitting on the Golgatha object, ready to find Kaworu.

- I wanted them to be all happy.

-hopefully they are.

- Mari and Shinji probably endgame

- probably just friends tho, I mean come on.

-kawoshinners are crying.

- Kaworu going to super hell (predicted, it's all full cycle kids, go home)

MORE STUFF!!

- Maria Iskariot?! I mean what (yeah I know what the innuation is here but still)

- Asuka is a clone, guess Langley was the Original but died and the Shikinami series was deployed Idk, I'm not anno.

- Fucking technoblabble and pseudo-philosophy

- my brain melted trying to understand half of the bs that was spoken about

- I like Ryoji Kaji Jr. He's cute. I want 500 fanfics of him being a cute gardener and being best friends with kaworu (please im in pain help me)

- Parallels between Gendou and Ritsuko shooting at each other *chefs kiss*

- the detail in the scenery was just amazing.

- I'm a headless wandering Eva (no thoughts head empty)

- I missed the mass production Eva's (way cooler though I really liked the skull Eva's as well)

- give me a 14 years before prequel or give me death (probably gonna die before it comes out)

- I swear I was so sad when doppelganger Rei busted into Fanta, best development of Rei ngl

- I can not stop my anger with Gendou I swear.

-I don't care how he's written Gendo/ Gendou/Gendoh, all versions are assholes

- That L barrier thing in Asukas eye was the most painful thing to watch. Body gore Asuka as always.

- NEON GENESIS

- "I'll come and get you Shinji" SHUT UP

- The self insert story was funny tho ngl

- That hair flip was fabulous

- KaWoRu AnD rEi aRe StAnDinG in ClOsE pRoXiMiTy ThEy mUsT bE tOgEtHeR (what the fuck, can't people have normal friends from the other gender? )

- ShInJi aNd MaRi hElD hAnDs ThEy mUsT bE tOgEThEr (what the fuck, can't friends of the other gender hold hands? Does that mean I'm dating my best friend for holding his hand?! MAKE SENSE PEOPLE)

- UwU Asushin is Canon UwU (In the past maybe, was a huge cockblock from anno here, go cry in a corner and read your top rated evageek hentai manga of Asuka x Shinji Jesus christ (don't slaughter me) )

- God is dead after the stunt Gendou pulled and Kawoshin is (no) more (lmao no but yes but no, don't slaughter me)

- UNIT8 be like: "you're talking mad shit for someone being in consuming range" and proceeds to eat all the units (vore is strong in this one)

- Eva 13 and Eva 1 hugging (and penetrating) best shit I've seen

- Maris scream for Asuka was painful. It ripped my heart in pieces.

- Angel Unit2 was too short. I want more of that.

-That tiny Kaworu in the background while Angel Asuka absorbs Shikinami (I don't know fam, the movie is confusing)

- I read somewhere that Headless kaworu corpse playing the piano in the entry plug was cut off from the script and Im not sure if that is true but I would have LOVED TO SEE IT

- Eva 3.0+1.0 was annos huge middle finger to all of Evangelion and I love it.

- tells us to grow up and stop hyperfocusing at the characters proceeds to make them as sexual as possible lmfaooo

- That Lance of WILLE thing looks like something out of Darling in the FRANXX series and I laughed so hard.

- YUI Yui YUI YUI Yui Yui YUI

- there you are YUI?!

- Mom was in me (I want to die)

- Gonna use plot device shit to make a Lance out of a spine (damn shinji obtained a backbone to defeat his deadbeat father, I would have never seen this coming *irony*)

- Gotta defeat your dad with the power of friendship TALKING (like any human being does)

- Anno says byebye (proceeds to think of 14 years past prequel, it makes money so I guess)

- Anno says grow up, proceeds to slap the fans in the face that you should stop using escapism as a coping mechanism in a world that makes you feel miserable and being in constant pressure to uphold a stupid image and start to live even though you're forced to work as much as possible with makes living hard af (I dotn know if you understand what I was trying to tell with this but if you do *Finger guns*)

- Give me the uncut version in a year or I riot

Thanks.

#evangelion #Spoilers #evangelion 3.0+1.0 #SPOILERS

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inactivefandomblog · 3 years

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Things I noticed when I re watched Birds of prey last night

Hi all, I watched BOP for the second time last night and I wanted to write down some of the things I noticed as I had seen @wordsoflittlewisdom , Idea credit goes to them on this one. I’m aware that some of these things are not exactly new discoveries and were blatantly obvious to others, but I have ADHD and a processing delay meaning that I don't always take in all the information the first time I watch a film. For example, I had no idea Renee was gay for ages, even though they tell us she had an ex girlfriend (I think I was too busy fan Girling that Ali Wong was in the film then though to hear that bit). I have to focus more on the overall plot when I watch things the first time, but the second time I was able to scan for little details and take in more things. Without further ado, here’s what I noticed.

“Do you know what a harlequin is? A harlequin's role is to serve. It's nothing without a master. No one gives two shits who we are, beyond that.”

-When Harley is talking about Harlequinns serving their master, she is not just talking about her relationship with the Joker, but about Canary letting Roman be her master. She is saying that she felt like she was nothing without the Joker. She is also implying that Dinah feels the same about Roman, and that she shouldn't because he doesn’t actually care about her like the Joker didn’t care about her.

-THATS WHY SHE ONLY HAS ONE SHOE IN THE CHASE SCENE!!!!! SHE USED IT TO PIN DOWN THE ACCELERATOR IN THE TRUCKKKKKK!!! MYSETERY SOLVED!! ... though.. she didn’t change her shoes to a full set between then and the police chase the next day/ later on the same day. Meaning she didn't go home after that...so did she just like wander around Gotham after committing a huge crime obviously tide to her XD of course she did, she’s Harley Fucking Quinn! Either that or she passed out somewhere from being very very drunk, hopefully her apartment and not just a street or something.

-BONUS: fanfic idea: DRUNK HARLEY HAS A FUNERAL FOR HER SHOE THAT GOT BLOWN UP IN THE ACE CHEMICALS EXPLSION, WITH BRUCE AND THE BEAVER. after she leaves the crime scene. That just seems like a thing drunk Harley would do, as I imagine she loved those shoes as they were awesome..so were her sequin socks.

-The first time I watched it I didn't realise that the fireworks weren’t actually there - because that was all in Harley's head and the film is from her pov - even though we are showed that when the police arrive there are none and it's just a regular explosion. Not until I was told this was the case and realised we were literally shown this later on.

-She goes from being a Harlequinn to Harley Quinn as she becomes emancipated.

-Roman just lets Zsas grab his arms and restrain him when he’s mad, switch energy much.....also they are defo gay for each other. Zsas was acting like a jealous boyfriend when he gave Dinah even an ounce of attention. He legit told her to come back later when he just started massaging Roman’s shoulders. Roman let's Zsas rub his shoulders and comfort him, Zsas wants to protect Roman...need I go on.

- Cass’ parents are yelling about how they don't want her if you listen to what they are saying, so they’re not just fighting, they’re fighting because they wish they never adopted her. She can hear them saying all this too. This made me feel even more sad for Cass than when I thought her parents were toxic to each other in my first watch through.

- (Trigger warning: mention of domestic abuse and child abuse)

Cass’ parents didn't want her and seemed to be very hostile, its not mentioned how Cass got her cast...but I realised that it could suggest that her parents broke her arm. Which would go on to suggest that they were abusing her physically as well as emotionally. Hence why she didn’t trust people, and was so hurt when Harley betrayed her. Because when she says that she though Harley was different, she meant that she thought she could trust Harley and that Harley wouldn’t hurt her.

-Margot’s real accent comes through when she tells Canary ‘I haven't told that to anyone’ when telling her she Broke up with Joker, as well as a few other times throughout the film.

-Cassandra is quiet and not talkative in her first scene because her throat was hurting because of the diamond. That's why she coughed to try and clear it . At that point in the film we hadn’t been shown that part but it was set after it happened so it makes sense when you re watch it.

-Cassandra’s jacket has a little middle finger logo on it, which I thought really suited her character.

- Cass has ‘asshole’ written on her cast, a drawing of a gun the word ‘fuck’, the word ‘magic’ - which is probably a reference at how she does some stuff that is similar to closeup magic and uses the same magicians technique of the art of misdirection - she also has what appears to be two playing cards, one with hearts and one with diamonds. Which is most probably a reference to Harley Quinn’s whole hearts and diamonds thing she has going. Didn’t comic book Harley also have a link to those specific playing cards too? or something like that?

EDIT: THEY ARE PLAYING CARDS!! I GOT A BETTER LOOK AT THE CAST IN THE COSTUMES VIDEO.

- TW: mentions of abuse and child abuse and trauma

The whole diamonds are a girls best friend is Harley going somewhere else mentally to cope with the trauma of being abused - we see her being spanked by a nun when was younger suggesting she was abused then too, and I think it is a part of her comic book story that she was but I don't know for sure - when it flashes and Guns appear that's reality trying to seep in. She's trying to focus on the diamond and block everything else out

-I spotted what looks like a mini mallet on the wall in her kitchen that could potentially be a meat tenderiser, and if that is the case then that is a fantabulous little Easter egg type thingy. The handle looks too long to be a pot, it has a diamond pattern on it and it is next to another tool for preparing meat...so now I'm just waiting on Margot Robbie,Cathy Yan or Ella Jay Basco to Reply to my tweet and confirm it.

-Helena speaking Chinese makes me laugh for some reason, I think its her facial expression.

- Kid Helena’s crayons when she's drawing the revenge pic are all perfectly spaced and placed like her stuff in her bathroom scene. Further evidence of her perfectionism/ her liking things a specific way.

- The towel in Helena’s hotel room on the bed (seen in mirror reflection) is in the shape of a little person.

- Canary sheds a tear when Roman harasses the lady on the table, I didn't notice that before because I looked away as the scene made me really uneasy.

- Harley screws the cap on the nail polish before putting it down even though there's someone at the door after them. This made me laugh because she thinks the police is after her but still takes time to do this, which is such a Harley thing. Like when she bent down to pick up the penny when that guy was gonna kill her.

- Roman has a shirt with his face printed on it.They did a good job of using the costumes and sets to show his egomaniacal trait.

- The look of acceptance of Harley's face when she realises that no one cares about, after the last person she thought cared about her (Doc) betrayed her, is heart-breaking.

-How was Renee not injured from getting launched out the window? Even if she didn't fall all the way to the ground and landed on the top of the entrance bit, she’d still be injured.

-WHERE DOES HUNTRESSS STORE ALLL THOSE ARROWWWSSSSS????? SHE FIRED SO MMAANNNNYYY! I DIDN’T SEE A QUIIIIVVVER OR ANYTHING. I guess she just stores them in sub space along with her hammer¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-Also I think I figured out what the chain is for, at first I thought it was for the crossbow to attach to. Then I though not as she leaves the crossbow on the floor by itself in the funhouse fight scene, but then I think I saw it attached to it..so I think she can just disconnect it when need be. Plus it just looks cool.

-Alllssoo, she toooottallly checked out Dinah! HELENA IS DEFO GAYYYY! she has big useless lesbian vibes. They really knew who their target audience was when they made Helena look so stunning and badass. The producers really said ‘hello LGBTQ+ community’ (hopefully y’all know that tiktok audio or that wont make much sense) Also, if you don't believe me, I have a gif of her doing it on my blog. So there’s no denying it.

-Why were the lights on in the funhouse if it was abandoned?? Maybe its just more Harley vision? but the carousel was rotating too...

Anyway that's everything I noticed, thanks for reading if you made it this far, and even if you didn’t...you wont see this then but still. Thank y’all .

#harley quinn #birds of prey and the fantabulous emancipation of one harley quinn #birds of gay #birds of prey #dc #movie #dinah lance #huntress #black canary #renee montoya #dinah x helena #cassandra cain #victor zsaz #roman sionis

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americankimchi · 4 years

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ok and I GET the concept of attachments leading to vulnerability and therefore weakness but to impose that on a CHILD who so desperately needs a family, someone he could bond with, its honestly tragic. and since qui gon isnt there to do it anymore it falls on obi wan, whos basically a kid himself, whos dealt with rejection his whole life, and how can you expect him to provide anything, much less mentor a padawan?? idk i just have so many FEELINGS abt this and can’t put it into proper words lol

okay you know what i think that’s on qui gon because why!!! would you make the decision to rip a child away from his home like that so quickly!!! i get that they were making a movie and thus needed to speed things along for pacing reasons but COME ONNNNN

i feel like if it wasn’t restricted for movie reasons it would have gone down very differently. difference being: hey, maybe we don’t rip anakin away from his mom and leave not only his mom still in slavery but also punt a tiny child directly into a warzone.

hear me out

so assuming qui gon decides not to take anakin with him (at that moment in time because anakin is still going to be heading to the order just in a more meticulous fashion) right after meeting the skywalkers on tattooine, he still needs to get off planet. so he does the whole race thing yadda yadda he gets the engine and they take off

so here’s where it diverges: anakin stays on tattooine and never goes to naboo.

(bro this got so long i had to put it under a cut omfg)

but cindy!! you might say, leaving anakin on tattoine??? stuck in slavery??? how could you!!!

YES, but this is a temporary thing, just stay with me for a second

padme disagrees but relents because qui gon says he’ll come back for the boy when he’s not, you know, neck deep in the middle of tense wartime negotiations that could trigger a full scale onslaught at any moment. that’s no place to bring a small child into no matter how powerful in the force he is.

qui gon heads back to the council, gives his report, and then mentions anakin. mentions his fuckin. midichlorian count. which is still so ridiculous to me oh my god the midichlorian is the powerhouse of the force i GUESS

anyways

the council still disapproves, but qui gon makes the case that even if they don’t believe him about the chosen one thing it’s still dangerous to leave such a powerful force user out there untrained and vulnerable to the stresses and traumas of slavery. what if he turns to the dark side??? he’ll have ample reasons to if he’s stuck there, and the amount of destruction he could unleash by being untrained and powerful is unspeakable!! qui gon, being the master diplomat he is, even if he is constantly butting heads with the council, could probably convince them of the importance of at least meeting the child. hell, it’s not as if they haven’t broken people free from slavery before it’s honestly jedi basic training at this point

so the council agrees on the condition that qui gon is not allowed to personally mentor the boy because as it stands now he’s too close to the situation, too eager which honestly??? might have been a good chunk of the reason why the council was so against it in the first place. qui gon pushed for it too hard and for no real solid reason. and for fuck’s sake qui gon your padawan is right there

obi wan, awkwardly shuffling on his feet like..... yeah i’m here too master

SPEAKING OF OBI WAN

imagine how gutting it must be to hear that your master wants to get rid of you for the newer, younger model. like at this point obi wan is so used to this shit. abandonment? by qui gon??? it’s more likely than you think,

and obi wan’s ALLL ready to be like “yeah okay. i’ll just. go over here then i guess. fuck me for thinking that you respected me as a person or anything lmao right”

and qui gon’s just “ah fuck. i can’t believe i’ve done this”

anyways hand waves qui gon explaining his reasoning to obi wan and saying that he just wants to ensure that the boy gets the training he needs and obi wan understanding but asking if he really thinks he’s ready to be a knight genuinely or if he’s just saying that to get him out of the way and wow that thought actually hurt a bit lol!!! no problem though qui gon whatever you want haha i’ll just... be in pain. over here. ((:

and qui gon being like, “honestly obi wan the only reason you’re not actually knighted is because i cherish your companionship and i don’t want to let you go” because ANAKIN ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH ATTACHMENT ISSUES CASE IN POINT: MY MANS JINN

let’s be honest obi wan could’ve been knighted ages ago. the only reason he hasn’t been is because the master dictates when that step should be taken and qui gon wasn’t ready to let his surrogate son go.

anyways RECONCILIATION WHOO kicks that insecurity off of obi wan’s already weary shoulders because that gnarly bit of tension could’ve been avoided so easily with just a simple conversation!! wow!!! communication can do wondrous things who! would! have! known!!!!!

anyways

they get to naboo. how do they beat the trade federation without anakin? the force works in mysterious ways alright it happens they win boom.

now, onto qui gon. in this au qui gon lives because of that healthy bit of communication up there that went down. see that conversation? where they affirm how important they (qui gon and obi wan) are to each other? and how that bond was repaired and confirmed between their leaving coruscant and fighting maul on naboo and thus their harmonious fighting wasn’t impaired by that underlying resentment and betrayal and tension??? TELLING YOUR KIDS THAT YOU LOVE AND RESPECT THEM CAN DO AMAZING THINGS WITH YOUR ABILITY TO COORDINATE WITH THEM IN THE FIELD IMAGINE THAT

coughs

so they fight maul and maul gets turned into maul 1 and maul 2 and qui gon almost gets got but is saved just in time by his padawan who is!! right there with him!!! because qui gon WAITS 5 SECONDS FOR HIM TO CATCH UP so they can F I G H T T O G E T H E R. qui gon has a permanent limp and an ache in his spine that never really goes away but he’s ALIVE TO SEE THE NEXT SUNRISE BABEY

celebrations happen. and the most important bit of all here: palpatine never meets anakin on naboo.

why would he? anakin’s not fuckin there mate!!! maul wouldn’t even know anything about anakin because qui gon never bothered to take him with them to coruscant and maul was chasing the delegation from naboo, not going hunting for babies in the tatooinian sands

/kicks the palpatine was anakin’s experimental force daddy theory to the curb because. i don’t like it that’s why. suck it dickpatine.

ANAKIN NEVER MEETS PALPATINE!! ripples in the fucking pond babey

qui gon and obi wan ask a boon of padme, that boon being “hey can you give us truly disgusting amounts of money so we can go free those delightful people we had to leave behind on tatooine due to the fact that we were on a time crunch and also ripping people away from a familiar environment without a stable plan of action to provide them a better quality of life is actually called, as the professionals say, a dick move.”

and padme’s like “um fuck yeah here’s some cash let me know how this goes and give anakin and shmi my love”

SO OFF THEY GO TO TATOOINE TO FREE THE SKYWALKERS. shmi tags along to the temple because why wouldn’t she. she wants to see where her son is going to be going. she also pesters qui gon and obi wan constantly about the order and its philosophies and etc. etc. and subsequently gets a crash course in jedi doctrine that anakin also gets to sit in on and you know, educate himself on.

“we want you to know that being a jedi is a choice. being a jedi is a religion unto itself.” they say

“but it’s a set of philosophies that are meant to at its core help others live happy and free lives?” anakin (and shmi) ask

“that’s a very very very large generalization but i guess for the purposes of this conversation that could be seen as true. from a certain point of view,” they respond. qui gon then lets obi wan loose on his musings about the code because the code is simple, and complex in its simplicity, and how the beliefs of the jedi should be taken very seriously because it reflects their connection to the force and by extension the world around them etc. etc.

anakin makes it to the temple. anakin knows (at least a little) what it means to be a jedi. it’s not all light sabers and noble battles and fighting the good fight. it’s about sacrifice and humility and nobility and above all kindness and empathy and loving all things, great and small, and not letting your personal hatreds cloud your judgement even if it takes all your strength to do so

and most importantly to anakin: no attachments.

and that’s what anakin struggles with the most. that never changes. but this time shmi is there to explain it to him, and coming from shmi, the most important person in the world, makes it stick

“it doesn’t mean you love me less,” shmi explains. “it just means you don’t love everyone else less because you love me. it means not loving me to the exclusion of all else. it means love, but for everyone. for everything.”

and then the two jedi reaffirm that it’s a choice. it’s always about choice. you can’t be a jedi without choosing to be one, it’s not something that can be forced. either you believe in the lifestyle, or you don’t. simple as that.

“can i leave if i want to” anakin asks.

“yes. of course you can, any time.” qui gon responds.

“not sure why you would want to though, being a jedi is kind of super cool” obi wan adds, with a wink.

but anakin isn’t a jedi yet. he’s not even an initiate. he doesn’t want to leave his mom, not until he knows she’s safe. he wants to be a jedi he burns with the need to be a jedi, but he’s not sure if he can be a jedi. not the way that was explained to him anyways. but that’s okay because he has the time to decide!!! there are no sith lords breathing down his neck!!! he has two (2) in the flesh examples of what jedi can do, what jedi are, what they can accomplish in the world!!! most of all he has his mother there, supporting him either way!!!

maybe he does go into the order. maybe he does ultimately choose that life for himself. maybe he does manage to untangle himself from the snarls of attachment and apply himself wholeheartedly to the ways of the jedi. he might even succeed this time since palpatine has no fucking CLUE anakin’s even there!!! he’s not nine years old and freshly braided and attached at the hip to a mourning brand new knight, he’s nine years old and trying to figure out how the fuck you levitate off the ground with your legs crossed under you while his crechemates balance things onto his nose!!!

and you know what!! maybe he chooses to leave the order because it’s not for him, but this time he’s got enough stability in his life, in the way that he manages and examines his feelings, that he’s not a threat to himself and those he loves. maybe he becomes a mechanic and lives a nice, simple life with his aging mother and becomes penpals with a pretty girl from naboo. WHO KNOWWWSSS

and that’s important for anakin: knowing that it’s always a choice always his choice and that he never has to have anyone tell him who he can and cannot be because he is his own master now he has full autonomy and the jedi cannot and will not take that away from him

this got so long oh my god i just have so many THOUGHTS

qui gon taking anakin like that in tpm was such a rushed decision my man can you CHILL AND THINK

anyways,,,,, that’s all thank u for coming with me on this journey,,,,,,,

#YELLS ABOUT TPM INTO MY HANDSSSS #this is super long i'm so sorry ghfjkdghfj #star wars #anakin skywalker #qui gon jinn #shmi skywalker #obi wan kenobi #anon #ask #meta

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critfail · 4 years

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BIG INTRO POST!!

HEY HERE’S A BIG ASS INTRODUCTION TO ALLL MY DND CHARACTERS (not the other ttrpg characters those are for later)

NAME: CRUNCH

RUNDOWN: an orc barbarian raised by human parents who later ran away from home because her school is racist and now she’s a performative trauma-ridden bounty hunter that doesn’t actually understand anything about orcs. edgelord supremo. also my first real pc ;v;

NAME: Orville Orvis Orwelle

RUNDOWN: a kalashtar sorcerer currently trying to pass as human. comes from a very rich family, but was kept a secret from the world because his mother had an affair with a kalashtar warrior and that’s where Orville came from. doesn’t really understand his powers, but his kalashtar spirit keeps giving him the urge to do good, an urge he also doesn’t understand.

NAME: Vasilisa ‘Vas’ Frosthorn

RUNDOWN: a dwarven warlock who thinks she’s a paladin. made a pact with a frost demon after he saved her life. she has slowly fallen in love with him, even though he pretty much only sees her as a tool. possessive and stubborn, needs some genuine affection in her life.

NAME: Jethro

RUNDOWN: a drow rogue who has some identity problems. raised in the Underdark, escaped after being caught stealing from the temple of Lolth they used to be a cleric at. escaping kind of gave them a breakdown, and now they despise anything relating to drows, including themselves.

NAME: Pumpernickel Palimpsest

RUNDOWN: a halfling bard who goes with the flow. plays a guitar, a banjo, and a fiddle all at the same time under the name “Pumpernickel Palimpsest and the Mage Hand Band”. likeable, but often willing to go with whatever. currently trying to find out more about her family, as she has a sneaking suspicion that her father isn’t telling her everything there is about her history.

NAME: Florizel Fagin

RUNDOWN: a firbolg druid who was adopted and raised by an elven woman. he was a member of the same druidic sect his mother was a part of, but they distrusted him because he was a firbolg. the leader of the sect attempted to curse florizel, but missed and his florizel’s mother instead. she never recovered, and now spends his time taking care of her, and trying to find some way to repair her mind.

NAME: Wayward Prentiss

RUNDOWN: a winged tiefling cleric/bard who has a hard time deciding what to do with her time. the daughter of a very famous activist/hero in her community, she tries her best to find causes to fight for, but either gets distracted or leaves because she feels she will disappoint both them and the shadow of her father. very bad at making decisions.

CHARACTERS INTENDED FOR ONE SHOTS:

NAME: Bobbleknocket Knacklenot, goes by Bobble

RUNDOWN: a 10-year old gnome rogue, Bobble is a pickpocket who pretty much just wants money. although she’s young, she still has debts to clear with some pretty sketchy folks.

NAME: Arabesque Bellefleure

RUNDOWN: a high elf bard (college of swords) who is a criminal-turned-knife juggler. incredibly skilled, and holds no ill will toward her former employers. kind of a thrillseeker, and will do anything for a buzz.

NAME: Vindice

RUNDOWN: a hobgoblin fighter who was once the prince of a hobgoblin nation. betrayed by the man he thought of as his brother and exiled from his homeland. a very kind and good humored man, who believes honor is paramount. although he will extend his hand to any who may need it, his greatest desire is to build an army and return to his homeland in order to redeem his honor.

NAME: Ginwhistle Tavernacle

RUNDOWN: a tiefling monk (path of the drunkard) who used to be a huge playboy before his parents cut off his allowance and forced him to become a monk to try and teach him humility. he has not learned his lesson, and manages to mooch off his friends to get what booze he can get his hands on. basically every one of your fuck-up friends who “reeeeally needs your help just this ONCE, girl, like, i just need a coupla gold pieces so i can get a buzz going its FINNNEEEEEEE girl its FINEEEEEE”

I WILL ADD MORE CHARACTERS AS I MAKE NEW ONES

#long post #crunch #orville #vas #jethro #pumpernickel #florizel #wayward #bobble #arabesque #vindice #ginwhistle #woof

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the-darklings · 6 years

Text

earth is warmer when you laugh [3];

pairing: connor x reader

chapter summary: “Precious?” “Yeah, precious. It’s something so dear to you, you don’t want to live without it.”

word count: 2.9 k+

a/n: My mind is blown. Your support has been absolutely breathtaking and I will never stop thanking every single one of you for taking the time to read this story (Part 1 BROKE 900 NOTES!!!). I love you all so much. And as always, your feedback, likes, reblogs and comments feed the hungry muse. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

FIRST | SECOND | AO3 | FOURTH

— — —

The rest of the week passed in a horrendous blur of late nights at the station, takeaway food and a never-ending pile of case files.

Each day you and Connor worked through a pile, only for more reports to come in the next morning. It truly felt like fighting an uphill battle. But no matter how much you searched for some sort of link, a common denominator, there was nothing. Seemingly random chance but you knew that it couldn't be that simple. Deviancy was spreading at an astronomical rate throughout the city, the severity of the cases getting progressively more serious as well.

With that troubling thought in mind, you loaded another clip into your newly assigned gun, taking aim at the paper target in front of you. Holding your breath, you pulled the trigger, feeling the slight recoil of the gun as the clip emptied. Pulling down the noise cancelling headphones around your neck, you glanced at Connor who observed you silently.

“You’re a good shot,” he acknowledged with a nod before adding, “for a human.”

“Smartass.”

You couldn't help but chuckle, lazily twisting out a kink in your shoulder. He was quiet today, a troubled sort of air around him that made you invite him to target practice in the first place. It wasn’t easy to read Connor; there was a sliver of ice in his every interaction, but he had gotten better over the course of the week. Less cold and detached. Or so you thought.

Apparently, androids could have bad days too.

��What is it?” you asked gently, casting a long, searching look his way.

For a long moment, he was silent, eyes coldly focused on the bullet-ridden target. “I am frustrated with Lieutenant Anderson for not taking this investigation seriously.”

You looked away, soundlessly taking out the empty clip from the gun. “He’s not a bad man,” you pointed out carefully.

And he wasn't. It was easy to see that something haunted Hank; something was suffocating him from inside out, a deadly weight of heaviness in his every step. Whatever it was that he was going through was killing him slowly and meticulously. You could recognise that anywhere. Yes, he was harsh, and his apparent hatred for all androids was frankly ridiculous, but you didn't think he was a bad person.

Just lost. Like so many were.

“No, he is not,” Connor agreed his voice still a little tenser than you were used to, “But I do not believe that personal trauma should be allowed to impact this investigation or my mission.”

Putting the safety back on, you placed the gun back on the bench with a little more force than necessary. “Connor,” you began tightly. “Humans—we, it can be hard sometimes. We’re complicated and messy. We feel a thousand and two things at once. Sometimes we just need time and patience to find ourselves, okay? Lieutenant may still surprise you.”

You saw his jaw tick as he finally turned to look at you. It still made the nerves at the back of your neck tingle to be looked at that way; a burning, unnerving sort of focus that felt more like a physical touch. Like he was trying to touch you through a look alone. It had gotten easier to ignore, or so you told yourself shifting from one foot to another.

“I apologise,” he started a little softer, “My programming dictates that I must always try and achieve optimum success on my missions. I had not anticipated this sort of...setback.”

“We’re doing the best we can right now,” you explained simply. “Besides we haven’t actually been called in yet. Hank will have no choice but to be there if we do. Your mission is fine.”

Connor nodded thoughtfully, still processing your words as you picked up your gun once more. “Come on, you promised that you’ll turn me into a master marksman.”

Tension seemed to vanish from the sharp edges of his shoulders at your light tone. He took a measured step towards you, his fingers gripping the elbow of your shooting arm. “You should hold your arm at a slight angle, like this,” he elucidated bluntly, moving your arm accordingly. “Relax your grip until the gun fires. Statistically speaking you should be able to hit 9/10 shots this way if not under duress.”

“I don’t know many situations where you would want to fire a gun when not under duress,” you told him jokingly.

“How about now?” he questioned mildly, his eyebrows raised.

Choking down a laugh that was threatening to spill out, you elbowed him with a wry grin.

“Smartass,” you repeated with more emphasis.

The remainder of tension melted from his face at your teasing words, and just for a moment, you could have sworn you saw him smile.

—x—x—

You returned to your desk twenty minutes later, Connor diligently by your side, as you ignored the looks and the whispers that followed you both. You could still remember how others had looked at Connor on your first day here. Now those looks were directed at you both. Your involvement with him and Bob from the reception had spread through the station.

Like the fact that you didn’t treat androids like subhumans made you a social pariah to be avoided and shunned.

Frankly, you couldn't care less about narrow-minded and shallow people who didn’t bother to look beyond their own prejudices.

If that meant the closest thing you had to a friend at work—this entire city, in fact—was an android, that was fine with you. Connor was fascinating to talk to anyway, even if he still lacked social grace at times.

“Would you like me to get you a glass of water?”

Turning to look at the android in question you frowned, “You don’t have to Connor.”

The last thing you wanted was for him to feel like he had to serve you in some way. Connor tilted his head to one side in that familiar pensive manner. “Lieutenant seems to appreciate you leaving him painkillers at his desk, and taking into consideration what we discussed earlier I would like to help.”

It was true. You’ve gotten into a habit of leaving Hank aspirin for his hangovers. A glass of water was just an added touch for your own sake, watching Hank swallow those tablets dry still made you cringe inwardly. The first time he found painkillers on his desk he had turned to stare at you with a deep, troubled sort of look before grunting a forceful ‘thanks’ and taking them without another word.

You hummed under your breath, lips twitching upwards. “Only if you want to,” you told him slowly.

There was a brief but sudden flare of yellow against his temple before Connor turned away from you, heading towards the coffee area.

Staring at your computer for a long moment, you finally got to work, ignoring of other officers and detectives around you. When another five minutes passed without Connor returning, you paused, glancing towards the coffee area again. The room was barely visible from your desk but you could still see Connor inside the room, a vaguely familiar man in front of him. Even from the distance, you could read the aggressive way the man held himself, speaking something harshly. When you saw him push Connor’s shoulder hard, you nearly flew out of your chair, immediately hurrying towards the room.

Practically ripping the door open, you ignored everyone else in the room, your attention on the android, “Connor,” you called swiftly, his attention immediately turning to you. “Are you coming?”

“Well, well,” spoke a somewhat familiar voice. “Came to pick up your pet?”

You walked into the room, the door closing behind you as you turned your attention towards the person who spoke.

Of course, you thought with annoyance.

Of course, it just had to the redhead from the reception. Clearly, she had nothing better to do than to harass people and androids alike. Dismissing the scornful woman without so much as an acknowledgement, you turned your gaze towards your partner, meeting his silent look with a nod towards the door.

“Come on Connor, we’re leaving.”

The android took a step towards you but the man intervened, looking down at you with contempt.

“So you’re the one I’ve heard so much about,” the man spoke mockingly. “A friend to alll androids. I wonder what kind of human prefers the company of fucking machines to their own people. So what is it then? Do you like to fuck plastic, is that it?”

Giving the man a blank look, you purposely looked towards Connor again. “Let’s go.”

This time the android pushed past the man without a pause. A cold, terrifying sort of calm seemed to have settled on Connor’s face as he came to a stop by your side.

“What an obedient pet,” the redhead crooned and you paused, turning to look at her. She shot you a glare. “What? Am I wrong? It’s nothing.”

You could practically hear your teeth grinding painfully but you forced yourself to look away.

“Don’t turn away from me,” she snapped, taking a step forward. “I asked you a question! It’s nothing more than a machine; plastic and metal, nothing more. It’s not even alive and it never will be.”

“I don’t see why I should answer to someone who can’t even tell an animal and a person apart,” you gritted out, moving towards Connor who began opening the door.

“Person? It’ll be torn apart when its use runs out,” the man snapped in disbelief. “Maybe you’ll go cry over it when it does.”

You snubbed him again, taking a step out of the room.

“I’m not done with you.”

You felt a tight jerk on your arm, pulling you back, and that’s all it took.

Twisting around, you slammed an open palm against the man’s neck making him choke and stumble back. Your leg mercilessly crashed against his knee, bringing him down as you twisted his arm behind his back in one swift and harsh motion, slamming him against the nearest desk. You pushed his twisted arm higher, listening to his sharp exhale of pain and rage. Your other hand rested tightly against the back of his neck, your body weight holding him down.

For a moment nothing in the room stirred before the other two women moved towards you. They managed a step before you felt Connor beside you. You had no idea what they saw on his face, but they stopped immediately before taking a few stumbling steps back.

“Don’t ever mistake my kindness for weakness,” you snarled coldly. “And if you ever lay another hand on me, or Connor for that matter, I will break them.”

You twisted his hand higher and he yelped in pain, “You—I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” you countered, leaning closer to see his flushed face. “Go cry to the Captain about how someone supposedly weaker than you put you on your stomach in ten seconds after you bullied them and physically engaged first?”

The man didn’t reply, trying to wiggle out of your hold before you twisted his arm again, making him stop with a groan.

“No, I don’t think you will,” you stated more calmly. “See, I know men like you, and something tells me that your fragile little ego wouldn't survive it.”

Giving him another shove, you stood up, almost bumping into Connor who was right behind you. His gaze was focused on the man still breathing heavily against the desk. There was nothing forgiving about the expression on his face, an almost foreign coldness shifting his muscles into something remorseless.

Ignoring everyone else in the room, you grabbed Connor’s elbow, sharply turning him toward the door. You slammed the door open, hurriedly dragging the android outside. He easily kept pace with you as you pulled him aimlessly with you. The silence between you was strained and it was only when you managed to find an empty corridor that you let go of him.

Clenching your fingers, you ignored his intense stare, pacing back and forth for a few moments.

“You’re angry,” he proclaimed suddenly with something like surprise in his voice, freezing you in your tracks.

You ran a hand through your hair; an agitated sort of gesture that made your anger spark anew.

“Yeah, yeah that’s a good observation,” you breathed harshly. “I wish I decked them all before I left. Assholes.”

“I have never observed you angry,” he supplied by the way of explanation. “You’re a highly expressive person (Name), and I have learned much from you. But anger is...unusual.”

Pure embarrassment crashed over you so quickly you almost forgot your anger. “W-What? Please tell me you’re joking.”

He gave you something that almost resembled a teasing look, “Why would I be joking? Do you suggest I rather take tips from the Lieutenant on emotional functions instead?”

Ignoring his attempt to change the subject, you leaned against the nearby wall, staring at him for a moment, “Are you okay?”

Connor turned to face you patiently, and you were momentarily caught off guard by that rebellious strand of hair on his forehead that never stayed still.

“I am an android (Name),” he began warily. “I do not feel pain. He could do no damage to me.”

“That’s not the point,” was your tight retort. “No one has the right to touch you unless you want them to. No one, not ever. Or to say those things about you regardless what you’re made of.”

Indicator flickering different colours yet again, he stared at you for a long moment before finally blinking a few times. “I see. Nevertheless, detective Reed is likely to hold a grudge from now on.”

You snorted derisively. “And I could care less. He’s nothing more than a bully.”

Together you stood in silence for a few more minutes, not saying anything but not moving either. Thankfully the silence was no longer so dense, and you felt yourself slowly beginning to relax. Exhaling quietly through the mouth, you closed your eyes, trying to force out the anger still lingering beneath your skin.

After a few moments, you finally opened your eyes, meeting Connor’s mute stare and nodded your head towards the busy station. “Coming?”

He walked up to you in silence.

“Yes,” was his mild reply. “I’m coming with you.”

—x—x—

“Okay, show me again,” you said with a laugh. “But slower. Much slower.”

Connor’s hands were graceful and fluid as he slowly twisted the coin between his fingers. You stared intently, your own coin in hand, waiting to copy his moves. Watching raptly, you balanced the coin on your fingertip before it clumsily began its journey down your hand. But just like the last few times, it got stuck between your middle and ring finger before plopping noisily on the desk.

You groaned, smothering your face in your hands. “I give up! It’s hopeless. My fingers are too dumb.”

“It’s not that,” he argued patiently. “You just need practice.”

You peeked at him through your fingers, noting the gentle crinkle around his eyes as he fiddled with his coin.

Something had changed since yesterday. If Connor had been frustrated before—how little of it he did show—today he seemed tenser. The entire morning was spent with him looking up sharply at every sudden noise or shifting whenever someone walked past your desk. You hoped that asking him to show you some of his coin tricks would distract him at least momentarily.

Lowering your hands from your face, you took a moment to really look at him.

Even though it was lunchtime at the station and there was plenty of commotion all around you, there was a sense of detachment from Connor. Like he was the one thing in this space that didn’t quite belong. It was an odd feeling considering he was hardly the only android around.

“It’s precious to you,” you spoke without realising, watching the familiar, amiable way he handled the coin.

“Precious?” he repeated slowly.

Nodding your head, you smiled faintly at him. “Yeah, precious. It’s something so dear to you, you don’t want to live without it. It invokes this feeling of, um, attachment. Like it’s really, really important to you.”

You suddenly weren’t sure what to make of his expression. There was a strange mix of pensive sort of grimness on his face. Since he was sitting on your right you couldn't see his indicator either. His fingers closed around the metal piece in his hand tightly, and you almost jumped when his attention snapped to you far too quickly to come off as human.

“Connor?” you whispered in alarm, suddenly terrified that maybe he was damaged yesterday after all.

“Hope you two are nice and rested,” a voice abruptly spoke behind you. “We just got called in.”

Turning in your seat, you blinked at Hank who was walking up to you, a case file in hand.

“That’s impossible Lieutenant,” Connor responded briskly. “I would have gotten an alert if a new case came in.”

You glanced at him from the corner of your eye, shifting uneasily at the once again neutral and calm expression on his face.

Hank shot him an irritated look. “It just came in, genius,” he grunted stiffly. “It hasn’t been added to the database yet.”

“I see.”

Hank closed his eyes as if asking God for strength.

“Well good because it’s time to see what you two are made of.”

— — —

an: anyone else really want to know what’s the deal with Connor’s coin? I need a backstory on that asap. Part of me wants to give it a backstory myself and another part of me is like “nope, what if they do a dlc and show it??” *sigh* I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Next up we’ll have an original case (i’m nervous lol) before we start the canon stuff (and yes the timeline is wonky). Your love is, as always, greatly appreciated! <3

LOVELY PEOPLE I ❤️:

@katherineschild @dpslover4life-blog @ceylon-morphe286 @in-a-cupboard-under-some-stairs @ayamecrevan @snooper1 @emmygreen817 @kats2art @fandompotato24-7 @flyingfiremelon @dej-okay @saiiven @kdmpthenerd @arcana-eskallion @unknown-jpg @anseo11 @allheart36 @nomorepumpkin @melissalovesmusicyay @prancing-through-the-rain @tyraneya @tea-with-loki @londonlovinglinguist (please be aware that my fic will include spoilers if you haven’t played the game! but thank you very much!) @meanwhilesmiley @marss-anonymous @significant-annoyancee @shipping-land-hlp @lunar-r-bryce @zarekii-chan @zeddlocket @bookworrm1999 @anxiousklutz @wonders-of-the-multiverse @paradox-brody-chase @fandoms4everyone @trustmeimawhalebiologist @deviantconnorarmy @sweetdayme4427

#connor x reader #connor imagine #connor rk800 x reader #connor rk800 imagine #dbh x reader #dbh imagine #dbh connor #detroit become human #detroit become human x reader #fic: eiwwyl #LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAD TO TAG I CRYYYY #THANK YOU

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hecalledmekrystal-blog · 5 years

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Lolita

Good evening to anyone and anyone who happened to stumble across my blog. If you don’t enjoy reading about fucked up stories of persona trauma, maybe you should move to the next blog. However, if you find reading about someones personal hurdles, their road to recovery, and learning self love helpful to your own journey, then maybe this place is for you. I welcome you with open arms.

It’s currently 3:19am. the last time I was on tumblr, was probably close to 4 years ago to go on and check out my old page with some friends. tumblr was one of my top social media sites as a teenager, however, I slowly grew out of it. But, as I just sat in bed, closing my laptop after completing the movie “Lolita” in bed, I needed to write. I am not sure if i want to type about my own Lolita experience, of if i just want to ramble on to the infinite void that the internet has to offer me. I guess me and you are both in for a surprise.

If you’re not familiar with the movie, let me give you a quick summary. This dude is, idk , say in his 30s? And the movie opens up with this dude narrating about the time he was 14 years old, met a female 14 year old, and they fell in young sweet love. sounds lovely right? meh . not so much. sooooo, then buddy goes on to explain how this girl died, which froze something in his brain, making him still emotionally and sexually attracted to that of a 14 year old. yup. soooo, jump to present day where i think its based on somewhere in the 30′s? dude meets this chick, hes renting a room out of her house while trying to write this textbook he has been working on ( he is a professor) , he then spots eyes on 13 year old Delores. He is immediately memorized by this innocent young girl, so full of youth lounging in the sprinkler, chewing her gum, flipping a magazine, all before flashing dude with her kiddish smile that hold a retainer. At this moment, dude names her, his Lolita. So dude man pretends to be in love with Delores's mother, so that he can stay close to Delores.Delores clings to the love and attention she gets from this man, running into the house to jump on him and give him a long, deep, romantic kiss on the lips before her mother ships her off to summer camp. Mother then dies, he goes to pick Delores up from summer camp, hides the fact that Lolita’s mother is dead. Delores is over joyed to see him, and begins to straddle him in the pulled over vehicle kissing him deeply. in case you forgot, yes she is 14 and dude man is in his 30s or some shit. soooo long story short, this movie follows the “love story” of a perverted, ill man, who falls in love and manipulates a young child.

wow, talk about a run on paragraph, my gr.12 English teacher would NOT appreciate that paragraph...or the amount of sentences starting with a lower case letter. Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, is that I don’t have a point, at least not one that is very sharp and polished yet.

ENTER me. little 12 year old Krystal. were going to go with Krystal for now, and you will understand later on. At 12 years old, I met a girl, who we will call...Katelyn. I met Katelyn at a youth center in our small town. Im unsure of how many times we had hungout/played together before I met her father. Stal. Katelyn invited me over to her house, i believe via MSN (those were the days eh ). I still remember the first time I saw him, branded into my memory forever. I knocked on the front door of their small townhouse behind the highschool. “COME IN!” I hear yelled, I open the door. Katelyn is laying on the couch, stomach down, as her father sitting on her back jumping up and down, play wrestling. A couple of other kids were running around unkept house as a lady sat at the kitchen table with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, while staring at the aged laptop on the kitchen table. I later come to find out, the lasy was Stal’s fiance/girlfriend, and the children running around were their kids and their kids friends.

back to the moment i saw him first tho, as i opened the doors, his eyes locked into mine, with a big smile on his face. “HELLO!”, yelled this man, with the energy of a 13 year old who had just spent all of their allowance at the corner store on penny candies. This man was very slim build, but not overly tall, maybe 5′7 -5′8. Long scraggy brown hair, wore tan cargo styled shorts, a black tank top, wore a brace on his right arm, a old beat up spalding baseball cap, and tattoos on most limbs. I will come to find out later in life, that this is the look that he sports 70% of the time, the rest of the time, the only article of clothing usually swapped, would be for a dark fitted pair of jeans (or the odd maybe 2 pairs of light washed) with black steal toed boots. on occasion he would wear that purple football jersey (i never followed football, but i knew it was his favourite team) , vikings maybe? who knows, who cares. But one thing, in the moment that our eyes locked, that i didn’t know. was that this moment was one of the biggest moments of my life. this moment dictated almost every decision, downfall, mistake, trauma, bittersweet memory, thought, opinion, for the rest of my life. at least until now. if i knew then, what I knew now, I would have turned my back to that man, and walked right out of that door. it would’t have even been a memory.

sorry if i’m loosing you, and i haven't gotten to the real juicy stuff yet. however, you need to understand, that in everyone's story, but may be important to them, may sound like annoying details that could have been blown over.

IF i jumped right in and started this off with “so when I was 13, my friends dad who was in his 30s started fucking me, convinced and manipulated me that we were in love, all the while psychologically abusing me, alll the while doing this to another girl, same age, same time” .... THAT probably would have caught your attention a whole lot more, but, unfortunately for you, my patient reader, my story is more than just one run on sentence, it is 4 years of my life that I will never get back, it was four years of me truly believing that I was in love. if was four years of me lying to my friends and family, dissociating myself from friends, losing out on a preteen/teenage years, loosing my self confidence, losing my autonomy. it was 4 years that, I thought would ruin my entire life. however, it has been 7 years since this has all ended. I have recently started pressing charges against the man i once thought I would marry, i have an amazing career, an unreal support system within my friends and family. and I can say, that I fucking made it, in spite of him.

don’t get me wrong, I have some really bad days, I do therapy, im on anti depressants, I have struggled with an eating disorder and with self mutilation. it has NOT been an easy road, and I know its still going to continue to be a rough road. but it is a road that I am slowly paving over, you can still feel some of the cracks in the foundation, but your car runs a little bit smoother on it. I understand that my story is a little bit different, and i wish i had heard a simular one at the time to realized that what was going on, was actually abuse, and not love.

So, if i have kept you reading until here, perfect ! I am unsure of how often i will be posting, but i do have a slight idea of what it may look like. you may be rambled on posts like these, either explaining a memory i have with him, or continuing the story of Krystal and Stal, or it may be a large poem, it may only be a few sentences of of poem. it will essentially just be, whatever the fuck is going on in my head, with the hopes that maybe somehow, someone out there can relate, and help you through a tough time as well. I know it is therapeutic to me, i can only hope it is to you as well.

#abuse #sexualassault #metoo #self healing #selfharm #assault #trauma #recovery #yourenotalone #inthistogether #predator #victim #survivor

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insecuritiesandtroubledthoughts · 7 years

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Losing Myself

I came back from Asia extremely mature. In Asia, I was constantly put into a position that I was not completely comfortable in and had no choice but to make friends without overwhelming them like I usually do. I adapted to the worldwide cultural social dynamics.

The whole time I was in Asia, I was thinking about one girl who lead me to believe she would be as excited to see me as I was to see her. She was perfect. Bubbly, social, ambitious, funny, and she made me so happy being in her company. However, while I was thinking about her, she wasnt thinking about me. I come back and things are different completely. She plays it off as being tired but really our energy levels do not match anymore. I come back from one of the most amazing trips in my life and she has other things on her mind that is wieghing heavy on her consience. So after doing everything right and putting so much thought and effort into the only girl I have ever seen as truly perfect fit in my life; someone that could make me a better person and keep my grounded on my morals and values I grew up, she instead distanced herself away from me. This girl proved that no matter how perfect you are with someone else and how much effort and thought you put into them, they can still discard you. It hurts when someone you care about doesn’t care about you the same way to show you enough respect to make clear boundaries of the relationship you have with them. Instead its all games and frontin. To be honest with myself, she was sort of like a drug. She was so perfect and central to who I wanted to have around in my life that once I got a dose of her I needed her in my life forever or else I could slip and lose myself to become someone I am not. My morals and values I grew up with and wanted to keep resided on people like her. However she was the only one I ever met like that; with that much innocence and personality as well to keep it real. She became a drug that once I realized I couldn’t have her I completely lost it. I realize I dont even see her as a person I want to date anymore, I saw her as someone that could fix me. Like the missing puzzle piece. Its unhealthy for me because unlike other people, the missing pieces inside me are all insecurities and trauma. Life lesson: stop holding on to people for your own insecurities and treat them as people that have their own feelings towards you. That way someone might actually stick around this time. Its weird tho cuz I thought thats what love was. Someone that made you feel better and you wanted to be around all the time cuz their that special. Relationships now adays seem like their S.O. is just kinda their for support here and there and just another body to lay next to. Dating rn is tough cuz Im talking to pretty faces but their personalities do nothing for me at all. I will never be happy and satisfied with someone who i dont even get excited to see. These other girls are just their to fill the void and keep me distracted from my depression and obsession.

Another life lesson: Leave and let alone. I had a friend who ruined his own life and tried to drag everyone else around him with him, including me. He cheats on his girl who he lives with in her own home. The disrespect is unreal. I warn him like a good friend should do instead of this male bullshit where they always encourage getting pussy no matter the loss in morals. And I was also there for him whenever the relationship turned bad and they took breaks. Finally, when they completely ended it for good after she discovered all the bullshit he put her thru, he calls me up and I was there for him then also. I was there for him when his own friends sided with her and tried to get on with his ex, one even waking up next to her. I was there for him that same day. Then the tables turn and he turns on me. I do nothing wrong. I was there for him every single time he needed me cuz even though he caused this whole situation, i understand emotions are heavy when you live with someone for years, even if you are the one that fucked it up. Nigga turns on me and calls me fake and says im like the rest of them. Not appreciating how much i was there for him when I shouldnt have sided with someone with such low morals as to fuck over and hurt someone who housed him and cared for him so much. Not an ounce of courage to actually tell her in a mature manner that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Proving once again, no matter how close you are to people, they can still fuck you over. So in the end, I will always keep myself in mind from now on. Another girl, Im honest with and she ignores everything. So I should lie from now on. Don’t matter if people get hurt. I get what I wanted right? However, I dont care about pussy that much. Im going to lie to people I care about cuz honesty with people you care about is gonna make them run away. A girl I liked before the summer started. I showed alot of interest and tried to show my best side. SHe didn’t like it and became distant. People like the chase. In the end, everyones a masochist. If you show them everything from the beginning, they know what they’re dealing with, the mysterious, the unknown is more fun now. Doesn’t matter if you vibed with them really hard. THey saw alll of you. there is nothing left to be discovered. Now Im talking to a new girl who is a complete sweetheart. Too innocent to break her heart. She is sweet and adorable and thoughtful and has great morals and values. However, I don’t fit with her personality at all. Im being someone im not just to keep her. She has become my test run. And now im doing the same thing other people did with me. Play the role of someone that cares for them but in reality im just dating to see how fucking dating works so when I meet someone I really like, i don’t fuck it up again. The people who always end up with someone they love at the end are the ones with a lot of experience dating in the beginning. They can fuck as many people as they want over but they’ll know how to handle the one that they actually like.

So now Im forced to change into somone i don’t want to be to get what i want at the end. The drug can’t be someone else this time. This time, im going to fix the missing pieces myself by learning. And the girls i meet are my pawns. My test bunnies. Im now using people by completely going into their brain and dissecting their emotions just for my own gains. At the end, its the only way to get the next girl that becomes my drug.

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