#its me im the immigrant
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Oh and I should mention my activity may drop within the next few weeks and here is why;
Shortened version is I need to sell my house and move ASAP.
Tw: homicide
2 nights ago a man was shot 12 times in the chest and died about 50ft directly behind where I spend most my time. If I looked out my window behind me, I would have seen his body. I did look outside in the morning and saw him bagged.
He partially died on my property, his gun and heroin needles were found in my yard. The needles weren't found until the state police left after 10 hours, so this is something my dogs could have found.
There were at least 20 shots fired and I had never heard gunshots before. I was okay, but my mental state is quickly deteriorating. Every sound from outside has me running to see what it is. ADHD normally keeps about 7 active thoughts in my head at once, now I'm at like 15. So my working memory which was already non existent from work stress is now significantly worse.
My house was on the market for 4 months before I bought it, and I'm probably gonna sell it for cheap just to get out.
Queue on this blog isn't very high if it's not apparent by 1 post a day. With playing PSU with my favorite person, this may soon be my only opportunity to make GIFs, and the time I can put into it may be cut.
If queue runs out, I'll just post randomly when I have gifs or see a post, if there's 3 posts queue will post those each once a day and I'll get back to making more when I can.
There is a possibility there could be a long hiatus during the packing and moving process, so I just wanted to share what's going on.
#very personal#not phantasy star related#zelda blog has a huge queue atm so i only need to mention this here fn#any non americans looking to harbor an immagrant???#its me im the immigrant#i can style your dog!!
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I feel like a lot of people in the fandom tend to forget this, so I'm just here to give a kind, thoughtful reminder :]
Ambrosius Goldenloin in the movie is an East Asian man (Korean-coded), his skin is tan, his eyes are monolid and his nose is big
He's voiced by Eugene Lee Yang - a Korean-American actor who also has Chinese and Japanese heritage. Eugene Lee Yang looks like this:
During the production, when Ambrosius was decided to be East Asian, artists looked up queer East Asian-American men, and based Ambrosius off of them. Ambrosius is literally drawn to look like Eugene Lee Yang
Please draw him as such, thank you
#nimona#ambrosius goldenloin#no but its so annoying bro#why do people literally forget hes EAST ASIAN#AND HIS CHARACTER TACKLES THE “MODEL MINORY” MYTH EAST ASIAN IMMIGRANTS WERE MET WITH IN USA#race in nimona is important because as one person said#you cant make a movie about a police state and not touch upon the race subject#HE IS EAST ASIAN#PLEASE IF YOURE DRAWING NIMONA THE MOVIE FANART (in the comic hes white yea) THEN PLEASE LEARN HOW TO DRAW MONOLIDS AND BIG NOSES I BEG#why am i so pressed abt this??#he looks like me bro#his features are my features and im not joking#so when i see ppl erase them#its not well for my self-esteem lets put it this way#please stop erasing his race while drawing#thank you :)#ofc i havent made this post bc of one person who blogged that Golitzine should play Ambrosius what r u talkin abt#Golitzine is a slavic man hes russian#a russian prince#ambrosius is east asian#plus we dont need a nimona live action itd be stupid#a short animated film abt bal's and ambrosius's childhood? sure#thats it#live action remakes SUCK#can you believe i made this post purely out of spite
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where are your boys tonight, ch 11: "if half the people hate you, the other half are going to defend you to the death"
#fall out boy#where are your boys tonight#id in the alt text#*making poasts#im scrolling past so muuuuuch my chem lore i dont care about for the fob pull quotes lol#found a lot of others but this one stuck out to me because a) its saturday#and b) its SATURDAY.#happy saturday saturday. saturday was the reason andy hurley wanted to be in fall out boy. it all comes back to saturday innit.#the stuff abt how poc and immigrants shaped the scene is super fascinating im hoping theres more of that as i go thru this thing
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^^ might be getting a job at a cute little ice cream shop on the beach in my town GRAGGHHH. i have a trial shift tomorrow i hope i dont cock it up
#ok i just need to rant in tags for a second.#i HATE HATE HATE applying for jobs at big companies#fucking no one wants to hire me cuz i don’t have experience cuz i wanted to focus on my schoolwork#but how do i get the experience huh. how am i supposed to. get a job.#if i need experience. but i need a job to get the experience#so i came to this shop and its like a family run thing#which in some ways is better it’s a lot more personal and im not#on the mcdonald’s front lines or something#but the husband of the guy who runs this place#started going on about the “woke generation#IN MY JOB INTERVIEW.#something about how the woke generation won’t do things if it’s not in their job title#????????????????and i looked at his twitter and he’s anti-immigrant as fuck#so now im just stuck between big bad corporation and racist andy#FUUUUCKS SAKE#anyway idgaf about him that much cuz his wife is nice#let’s hope i do well tomorrow#rambles#doodles#delete later
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(random) ngl before i started learning korean i felt like the worst failure of a korean but now i feel like the best failure of a korean (/j) HAHA
like im struggling to speak but least im speaking..!! I feel like I've restored an essential piece of myself that was missing...
#i tweeted this but im prob gonna delete it soon so#puts it here too in case ppl can relate...? lol#since i know its a common immigrant kid experience...#being disconnected from your heritage language i mean#for various reasons...#i thought i was ok w it but its rly a horrible feeling#like i said it felt like smth was missing#and i kinda jokingly self deprecatingly worded it as the best failure of a korean#but thats kind of... accurate fmfbnf like i feel embarrassed that im not fluent and feel like im a baby flailing my arms#but i still feel like even if im imperfect im more... complete#that isnt to say i was incomplete before... or anyone in the same situation is. but its still an exuberant feeling#and helps me get over feeling embarrassed that i suck at kr so bad. like AT LEAST I CAN COMMUNICATE NOW!!!#talk tag#laughing to myself rmbring that me and prob 1000s of other asian americans prob wrote an essay abt being detached from our culture for#our college/scholarship/etc essays#well i didnt know i was lgbt then i had to write abt smth!! and it was eating me up all the time...#i rly hope i can improve my kr more in the coming yrs
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Thinking about Life is Strange 2 and the absolute dust it got paid compared to the other games in the series. It's the ONLY video game I've ever played where someone in the story has Special Magic Powers, but it's not you. It's your little brother. And your father has been killed in a police shootout, and your little brother is just a kid who is so confused and terrified that he levels a whole block with a telekinetic boom. And then you, a teenager just a few years older, have to guide him to safety and try to parent him and help him use his powers for good while also dealing with the same traumas in your own life.
Also, there's a level where you just clip weed buds. Phenomenal game.
#i think about this game constantly actually#i think it mostly got hate because the two romantic options were white people with dread locks#which is a fair thing to hate on#the romance was honestly pretty subpar#but the core of the game? the relationship between the two brothers in conversation with literally earth-shattering trauma?#the other games just arent as emotionally gutting im sorry#and i love the other games too#but god i think about lis2 almost every day#and its been over 3 years since i finished it#i think from what ive read a lot of people found it less accessible than the other games due to the subject matter#but idk i mean im not from an immigrant family and ive never dealt with family death at the hands of police#but this game hooked me emotionally WAY more than the first or third game#its so special to me#life is strange 2#lis2
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fuck i thought about sol bufo too hard again. did anyone tell him he hibernates when its cold or did he have to learn it all by himself. makes me sick to my stomach because i KNOW its not a reading of his character that was intended but T_T growing up alone where theres nobody else like you, or at least nobody who knows more about you than you. you have a history but no one to tell it to you. does he know the bullywugs are a family oriented people with really nice teeth. this is so stupid but im crying forever and ever. this city frog can hold so much cultural displacement and estrangement in him
#i know im straight up crazy for reading his character as. basically.... an asian immigrant ..?#AS IF ITS MY FAULT#caldwell just so happened to create a character that is so relatable in ways he cpuldnt have possibly forseen#hes homesick but he doesnt even know what his home is yaknow#:-( < im so normal about this. i am relentlessly projecting. i am sick in the head and delusional#(altho shld clarify im NOT an asian immigrant. just asian and not in asia.#and its all caldwells fault because he made the frog unable to be cold and it was too relatable for me#ramble tag
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an assortment of musings and scribbles...been listening to a lot of blood girl (the first drawing is based off blood girl lyrics), mormor, and moses sumney. been thinking and thinking and thinking....will be back to posting normie and sane shit soon
(last pic is a baby picture of my twin @fatsmyname and i)
patreon
#muertodraws#digital art#trans art#queer art#introspective art#unless u guys like my introspective art#i feel its a tad different from what i usually do#the last one is me and my twin as babies#ive been going thru a lot to say the least#things have settled now but my brain has a chokehold on me unfortunately#and it will never stop analyzing the hierarchies and dynamics that have been launched at me#the burdens and the baggage of others to carry....#thanks a lot im already a trans faggot raised by mexican immigrants now i have to shoulder how white people have hurt me#and i have to shoulder how their hurt will forever be examined by myself and never by the people who committed that harm#because they would absolutely destroy themselves before taking accountability#sigh#anyway#all of my friends are brown now and thank fuck#if ur interested in my art i have been posting more regularly on my patreon#been talking to more indigenous and brown people and i feel way more safer and understood by them#spending time with my boyfriend as well#im still in therapy....yea...
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also wait
the show is really fucked up for making V call ICE on Svetlana, yes
but also
why did they then, after having them do Yevgeny dirty with that, decide to have V and Kev foster an immigrant kid??
like
the showrunners really didn't see how fucked up that is, huh?
#like its okay if youre an immigrant#until you personally upset me#then im gonna use that against you#red flags!!#shameless#thoughts
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oh yeah okay go ahead kiss a ninE year old what the fuck !!! WHAT THE FUCK !!!
whatever credit i was giving chase before null and void i never said it
#even weorder is that the showrunners even made it a fucking plot point HUH ??? WHAT ARE YALL DOING ???#the writers really want him to be the antagonist FINE you got me hes the worst forever#also i found out the actors actual parents founded a fucking anti immigration party here in aus so thats cool 💀#not that that reflects on HIM as an individual whatever whatever#the point is maybe i hope the shows dont give hima big fuckin redemption and maybe i like how awful house treats him now <3#deserved idiot be better next time#im bapping him over the head with a roll of newspaper every time he speaks like im his cartoon character father#speaking of maybe the writers were right to give him his whole sympathy story BEFORE they nerfed his moral compass#he still has an australian accent in an american show tho so its gonna be hard to shake this familarity bias i have for him 💔#house md#house s2#m#live
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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On the one hand I need to move out or go fully insane, on the other hand my family is like the only social contact I get and maybe the urban loneliness will ultimately kill me faster than putting up with their bullshit
#franposting#anyway. had a metldown. looked at apts for 1 hr. did nothing#sorry work. i promise i will get this done before the due date#also like. is the possibility of saving my brain worth all that money#its not even a guarantee it might tank the brain worse who knows#and maybe ill hate it and be afraid#i dont LOVE the big city i like having things nearby thi#i REALLY hate the urban spraw suburbs#that arent even gentrified bougie burbs#it's poor immigrants like my fam and endless strip malls and inaccessible transit#god. im just. fuck. it rlly is just. not great lately#and im unsure what to do#if i move out. i could get a cat#but devon rex is gonna be a couple k$#bc im apparently too allergic for shelter mutt breeds#but also. a cat would probably make me not want to kms. maybe#ughhhh i still dont even have my nee contract so idek how much money ill be making#so im just assuming rn that my pay doesnt increase at all#even tho depending on the position and given my expertise i could be making 10-15k more#which is like. lets put rent at around 2k/month. which is insane ik but thats the LOW end in the city#and extra 10k is nearly half the yearly rent (not counting taxes)#what i ACTUALLY need is routine and extra curriculars and getting out regularly#which is near impossible where i live w/out a car#and im already spending 2.5hrs+ daily commuting on transit#im not gonna add EXTRA HOURS to commute time#BC it rlly does take nearly an hour to get ANYWHERE on transit from my parents#and thats being CONSERVATIVE. usually its longer
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tfw im more worried abt losing my stuff at an airport than being denied to fly for not passing the immigration interview
#going somewhere this weekend and the immigration is hella strict ._.#im freelance so i have a huge chance of getting fucked even if i have the requirements to prove im not a TNT#TNT means 'tago ng tago' which in english means 'keep hiding'. its a term used for filipinos informally working abroad#anyway#i have my beloved vaguely clown pants in my luggage and excited to wear when i get there but id be more sad if i lose the pants ;_;#ive never seen pants like that around here and its giving me huge doses of euphoria#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Bout to test this public WiFi
#summer camp tag#travel tag#ace is a mess#its giving old hprp ace vibes :/ returning to our roots while sleep deprived#i do apologise for audio quality but also not cus im talking to myself in public so this is as good as it gets#but yeah. gonna go be a health centre assistant at american summer camp cus i wanted medical/child care related work experience#as if i didnt have a panic attack a couple months ago trying out a new supermarket#now gonna pretend i can be trusted to go to another country when i hate flying and trying new things#but told myself i had to try doing more things that scare me so 🤷♀️ here we are i guess#i do apologise if this makes no sense i cannot follow a logic conversation structure at the best of times let alone when my head is so fuzzy#im actually freaking out about this flight and the whole immigration thing though like i have a layover#so do i go through immigration at my first american airport or the second when i reach my destination? whats security like?#ive only ever done internal uk flights and ooh stressed what if they ask me something and i say the wrong thing?#i have snacks in my bag but the thought of eating right now makes me nauseous am i even allowed to keep them in my carryon?
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I just wantned to say recently I looked at Medpoc lore like 3 weeks ago for the first time and then reflected on your art and suddenly, you giving Medpoc mommy issues (homoerotic) by pairing them with characters with maternal traits is actually MORBIDLY canon in a kind of sad and deep way and I don't know where on the coincidental to intentional scale this lies anymore
OH YEAH I AM 100% BEING INTENTIONAL ABOUT THIS THANKS FOR BEING THE FIRST(?) ONE TO NOTICE???
(it started as a coincidence, elaboration in tags)
#i initially just ship medpoc w mommies cuz im a medpoc kinnie with a mommy KINK#i didnt even know their lore at the time LMAO#it started coincidental but then intentional#like rn i am writing/scrapping a fic abt their backstory as a second generation chindo immigrant with mommy issues and religious trauma#it used to be me making shit up with no basis other than personal ideas but now i make shit up with personal projections + canon lore crumb#anyways yeah#mommy issues/kink/both BEAM#fine ill bite#no cuz LMAO it took a WHILE for someone to say this to me#ive discussed w my partner abt medpoc's mommy issues and comfort/angst dynamics with r99's motherly figures a lotta times#shoutout to my partner for bearing with allat#i can project whatever i want to this lil bozo. its fun.
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im so crazy. how did caldwell make a character that truly and utterly captures a very specific relationship with cultural heritage and identity. does he even know how asian coded that frog is
#< im insane tho so this is just me#but it makes me facking crazy#i am projecting but also. ther is immigrant things abt that frog#its so bad tho bcus ndpod is. caucasian#..... SOVTHEY DONT EVEN KNOW. IM CRAZY IN THE HEAD#ramble tag
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