#its eating so much of my time i dont even have time for my other gacha games >< | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cheesus-doodles · 14 days

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askjdnaklsdnasjkdnas goddamnnnn you can’t do this to me

and its not even coming to global yet argghhhh i want them so bad

look at my boys!! and they have a special action together!!

I WILL GIVE YOU MONEY GAME JUST GIB

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saeshiraw · 8 months

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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

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myriadsystem · 11 days

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#personal #i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed #but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much #theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is #if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical #which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path #to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but #ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that #i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope #hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up #with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot #please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please #im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation #but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated #i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮‍💨#and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today #then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after #i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much #help me im drowning

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urostakako · 1 month

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im a little sad today

#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or #bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything #i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately #that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time #and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make #a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks #i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they #dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic #doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so #attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is #something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless #but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this.#somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time #which is so stupid. idk.#delete later #hanancouldyounot

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sux2be · 17 days

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taking my heart out and stomping into the ground dont you dare get another friend crush. dont fucking do it.

#ITS SO FRUSTRATING !!!!!#i think someone is cool and then they pay an attention to me and i am lost #i am drawing them pics and making them little gifts and thinking about all the fun things we can do together #i spend my free time thinking of reasons to talk to them #u might be like hmm this sounds like a romantic crush #but i can assure it is not #it CAN turn into one over many years #i kno bc one did and i suffer even more for it #its Very Obvious bc when its a non-platonic crush i will get suuuuuper possesive and jealous #but UGH friend crushes suck especially bc i dont have the bandwidth to rly pursue them AND #i always feel like i come at it too intensely so in order to escape rejection i run #its fine i am fine i can be Normal about things #its okay i will hide from this one like ive done all the others #its this person named Toad and they are so cool they do like climate activisim and they support local punk bands #its also reminding me of Dev. i am so sorry dev.#he was this super cool ass dude that i worked with for 4 years and he was So Neat and interesting to talk to #he knew soooooo much about cooking and he was really well read #and his humor was great. super dry and sarcastic i was always laughing lol #i wanted to be friends with him SO BAADDD #and he has no social media or even like. texting #so before i left i demanded his email address #and I emailed him One time and he replied and i ghosted him #bc here is another issue: i cant fucking communicate #how keep friends if u dont talk to them????#anyways the brain worms are eating good tonight

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haemosexuality · 4 months

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one thing that always made me doubt my autism self diagnosis is special interests. my life has always been dictated by my very strong hyperfixations (since i was a baby!), but those are different from SI and i felt like nothing that i had matched the description of special interests. but i just fucking realized. that my special interest is English

#im still a bit confused on what a special interest is exactly #but from my understanding its ''kind of like a hyperfixation but way more long term and not as obsessive''#like hyperfixations are something that youre extremely obsessed and focused on for a period of time (from my experience ranging from a few #weeks to a couple of years) and during that period your entire life revolves around the thing youre hyperfixated on #its all you can think about all you can talk about all you can do it literally like possesses you and takes you over. you forget to eat and #drink and sleep and go to the bathroom because You Cant Stop Doing The Thing #eventually tho they fizzle out and tou move on #special interests however Dont fizzle out. theyre forever or at least for a really really long time. and theyre something you love and enjoy #learning all about but its not an overwhelming obsession like a hyperfixation is #my longest ever hyperfixations lasted from a year to almost two years #ive been consistently interested/in love/extremely excited about learning and speaking english since i was at least Six. couldve been #even younger i dont remember #ive Always enjoyed and seeked out learning english and ive always been advanced compared to other ppl my age because of how much #i like it #its shaped my whole life i mean i just wrote this whole ass thing in english #i love speaking in english and reading in english etc etc. always have. this is so eye opening for me #cool!!!!!

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thekingofchungus · 1 year

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bro i want triple scoop gelato for my birthday but also its 8 euros and i want money ( and space in my gut ) for other things. i hate inflation

#chatbox #LISTEN TO MEE its so good i didnt get my triple scoop last time i didnt have the guts and its my favorite gelato place its my comfort place #its always so pretty and smells so good and their bubblegum ice cream is lovely i have to get it every time they have amazing flavours #but its so expensive #im gonna be eating a buncha other things what if i cant finish it. what then #what if i dont have money for arcade games or pretty gender things to wear #but i want it SO BAD #can i just. use my chores money #look i want it so bad dude #but i also want money for Fun #and i dont even know how much birthday money im going to get so ahsgghsa #i could always get a medium cone thats a compromise!#snackscapades

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toastsnaffler · 5 months

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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent

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nerdie-faerie · 1 year

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The audacity of my mum to ask if I've tried a new meal yet as if I would ever try a new meal for anything less than the pain of death

#+Extra #i hate trying new foods even if the main components are the same or is made up of things i like that doesnt mean im gonna enjoy the combo #im a very fussy eater and have a lot of texture issues with foods that i dont see why id risk a good thing on something new and #unpredictable also the stress of trying to figure out other options? id rather die no. not doing that imma keep eating the same safe foods #until im sick of the very thought of them i have the same usual order for all of the places we order from and then only changes when they #change that option. devastating every time it happens what the hell am i supposed to eat now? should i starve!? tf man so rude #also its blatantly false that just because you like the components of something you should like them combined like no those flavours and #textures should not go together hate that logic. i need so much reassurance before trying some new food/drink and if its not good?#ultimate betrayal why would you make me sacrifice something i enjoy for something thats no good? do you hate me?#anyway i work in food services so i get a free meal on my breaks so thats why she was asking if i had risked my free meal on #trying something new which obviously i havent. we dont just complusively try new things that arent hobbies in this house

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velocitic · 2 years

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sorry to be vulnerable on main. but i am thinking about how i used to buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too small for me (bc of the Problems) and then when i got older i would always buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too big on me (bc of the Problems in a different direction) and anyway. i have recently made the effort to buy clothes that are my size and fit me as i am and as they are intended to fit a person. and i'm hot now thank you and good night

#because for a long time (bc of the problems) i saw clothes as #a milestone marker or a challenge or a goal or a reward. you must lose X amount of weight to ride this ride #(the ride being. self acceptance etc.) so i would buy clothes too small w the caveat that i would simply change to fit them.#and Then when i was older and went through treatment. i started buying clothes way too big on me #bc of the problems but mostly bc i wanted to hide from the problems #& myself & other people & i felt i had somehow failed my years task of fitting smaller sizes #im almost 3x as heavy as i was when i thought i took up too much space to be loved #i still struggle with taking up space #but i buy clothes that are my size and i dont cringe away from it #or dwell on clothes i buy that i find out are too small #bc i still cannot deal w changing rooms. at all. and i simply do not buy things that make me feel bad anymore. and its as if suddenly #and without any warning. im actually very happy w my look. the issue was never with me #eating is still. hard a lot of the time. for a lot of reasons. but my clothes fit. and thats good. thats ok. they should do that #anyway i got a body harness with batwings on it and i got a lot of compliments on them and i had fun going out and i didnt #think not even once about how i looked the whole time i was around other people #i just existed! how lovely!#[you have mail!]#tbd #ed//

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wings-of-angels · 9 months

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I think me being sick all the time might be because of my potential food allergy :((

#i cant give up pasta and bread thats the only food i like #i mean i like other food sure but not enough to replace pasta ???#thats my safe food i have it several times a week #this sucks so much #because i dont want to be sick all the time #and im worried about the long term effects of consuming food im allergic too #but i dont even know what exactly is causing it #i get all congested and start coughing and wheezing when i have pasta. pizza. bread #its not a gluten problem cos im tried gluten free pasta #so ????#i know i already talked about this yesterday #but i hate this #i dont know how to transition into not eating that specific food when its such a big part of my diet #tw vent #tw food mention

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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years

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#once again im abt to eat glass #literally there has basically not been a day since i started school again in spring that i havent had a overwhelming urge to kill myself !#and a prepetual feeling that i just. can't do. any of this. any of it. not the fucking classes and not what comes after either.#like fuck what does it even matter exactly if i get this degree or not? if i manage to barely drag myself through this? what does it matter #degree or not i dont have what it takes to remotely make it through life #its not even that im stupid lmao i just. i cant do this. too tired too many fucking health issues too much trauma too insane and. too.#fucking. exhausted. considering i dont even have much a fear of death and have lost that basic survival instinct. what exactly? ought to #keep me going? because on the other side. for the most part i just. dont. want. life. either. everything is such a fucking #struggle and i dont see any point in it?? not anymore. its not even that i think life is miserable or whatever i just #ive had enough of it. good bad great horrible ive just had enough. lmaoo i feel way too old for any of it god damn. i just wanna rest. its #all been too much. its all been enough. i just want to rest.#........ the school is just a added stress that drives me insane but the main god damn issue is that. i just.... i dont want things anymore #i dont want anything anymore. i dont care. most of the things i used to be passionate abt or care about i... . i dont even fucking manage #to do those when i have the time. or want to do them when i have the time #........ so what. exactly. is the point of staying alive.#......#nothing drives me anymore. i have no drive. perhaps anger at times. i guess thst comes from care. but mostly im just fucking exhausted #... and im just?? useless in this state. useless to myself useless to my family useless to society. i dont even have it in me to do things #out of fear or dread of my parents anymore.#.and. frankly. the biggest issue here is that since ive been like? what? 17? ive been unable to idk rise up to the occasion? its too #fucking much. but frankly.. ;; im not even sure it is. like okay rationally this is a lot to deal with for a human being but also. this is #all. this is all. just because im weak. mentally i dont have it in me. i think the last bit of my energy went into #fucking recovering alone from 2 eating disorders from hell & pretty fucking bad bpd. i feel like that was the last big effort i was able to #make for myselr #idk i just feel like im making fucking excuses all the time. i should Not Be Letting It Define My Life and Rising Above It or whatever but #im too much of a whiny fucking bitch with a victim complex who just fucking complains about things all the time but cant manage to actually #do. anything.#.

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staryarn · 2 years

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#vent tw #vent #i hate this #i hate how strong i have ti be for my health #how much longer do i have to got through this pain #every day is an actual hell to go through #it hurts it hurts so much #i have to just hold on until my next appointment #but its taking so much out of me just to go one with my day #im so tired of dealing with myself of dealing with people #it hurts my body my brain it all hurts so much #im so scared all the time because of my health and i have to pretend like im not to move on with my day #i dont bring my health up with others because i dont want to be negative and i just power through to meet their expectations #but god im starting to reach ny limits of crashing and burning bc of my health its bad #not hospital bad but disable my daily life so i cant do anything at all but barely exist in bed bad #its hard to even focus on a game or social media with how my health is #but i have to power through and just stay strong until my next appointment. I made it this far i can make it to the 28th #im trying to get as much done as i can becaus I hate feeling useless and I KNOW its bad but whats worse is my guilt if i dont do it #its so hard to eat w/o getting sick immediately its so hard to think without my brain hurting its literal hell for me rn #but i really try not to talk abt it bc i hate being a fucking downer or being the center of attention despite the fact that its important

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