I'm bored and my head is full of One Piece stuff. So I decided to join the old N$FW alphabet trend, with my beloved, Eustass Kid. English is not my first language, so sorry for the mistakes.

WC : 3869

A: Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

If you’re just a one night stand, Kid’s aftercare is nonexistent. He will just tell if your session was nice or shitty (with his usual brutal honesty, so sorry not sorry if it hurts your feelings), he’ll maybe make a comment about how good your ass was and then, he’ll bark you to leave his room, or if he’s at your place, he’ll leave without any more word. Do not expect any form of kindness from him, this man is rough by nature after all.

However, if you too are engaged into a relationship, he’ll need some time to cool and calm down, so don’t talk to him or try to cuddle with him during this time, it’ll only annoys him. After that, he’ll get up and bring you a glass of water and something to clean you up. He knows he’s rough during sex and wants to make sure you’re doing okay, so feel free to ask him anything else. Once you’re comfortable and all your needs are fulfilled, he’ll lay next to you and give you his honest opinion regarding your session. He’ll let you rest your head on his chest, while he runs his fingers through your hair. Kid is not good with pillow talk (and with any talk in general), I think he’s more the type of guy to quickly fall asleep (and snore loudly). If you’re in a talkative mood, he’ll try to keep his eyes open but end up falling asleep quickly anyway. 

B: Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)  

On himself, bro is a fan of his own dick, I think everyone in the fandom agree with this fact. He knows it huge and he’s proud of it. I mean, he makes women cum all around it or gag on, of course he’s proud. Actually, you know how to boost his ego? When he undresses in front of you for the first time, ask him if his cock will fit into you with a worried face. He will be so fucking proud.

Another objective fact, this man is a fan of his torso. I mean, the shirts he’s wearing are useless as fuck, bro just wants to flex with his muscles. 

With his partner, Kid is in love with their ass. The whole Eustass Kid agenda agrees with this headcanon. He wants to see your booty all the time : spank it,  grab it, makes it jiggle, even bites on those juicy cheeks. Damn, his hand(s) is/are always glued to your glute. 

C: Cum (Anything to do with cum)  

Well, regarding his cum itself, it’s on the thicker side and there’s quite a lot of it. Definitely not really tasty, but overall, it’s not the worst taste. 

Kid loves to see his partner covered in his cum, its fuel his ego immensely. His favorite spot are your ass, your stomach and your face. If he cum during a blowjob, he asks you to pull your tongue out and will cum on It before making sure you swallow every drop. 

With a one night stand, Kid will NEVER cum inside. He’s already a Kid lol, having another one kiddo is not in his plans. Actually, if you ask him to cum inside, he’ll get mad at you and starts to think you want to have a child with him, so the mood is totally ruined.

If you’re his lover, he’ll maybe cum inside you, depending to your menstruation cycle. He just loves seeing his seed slowly flowing out of your pussy and stuffed his fingers to put every drop right back inside of you. 

D:Dirty Secret

Well it’s not a dirty secret but considering how cocky and arrogant he always acts, it is for him. The fact is, sometime, Kid likes when you take all the initiatives and do all the work. Yeah, I know, at the first look it doesn’t match his energy, but sometimes, Kid can get pretty tired, especially since he lost his arm. He rarely use his metal arm in bed because he’s afraid of hurting you. And doing everything with one arm can be exhausting from time to time. So please, offer him some relieve, be a good girl and ride him. 

Plus, of course, Kid loves anal sex. Fucking, fingering or licking that ass is a major turn on for him. Maybe some people find anal sex dirty, but not him. He LOVES how naughty it is, how tight an asshole is and how flustered his partner is when he spreads their ass cheek to lick their hole. 

And, since Kid is a punk, you CAN’T convince me this man have a single heterosexual bone in his body. Kid is not straight, I can smell it. I think he’s bisexual.So he often has fantasies regarding a threesome with a man. If you’re a one night stand, he doesn’t mind sharing because he just doesn’t care about you. If you’re his lover, he’ll maybe try if you insist on a lot, but will fix a lot of rules, like the other man can’t kiss you or put their dick inside your pussy. Your pussy is his and only his.

E: Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Considering how much Kid cares about his reputation, he knows what he’s into doing in bed. Sure, during his first times, it was a bit messy, but he’s a fast learner and good at following his instincts.

He also has no shame to ask you to touch yourself, so he knows what you like and how to make you cum as many times at possible. 

Overall, Kid doesn’t have a lot of experience, I mean, he didn’t fuck with hundred of guys/women. But he’s not a virgin. He’s just really focused on his goal of becoming the PK and one night stand only happens from time to time. Considering how asocial he’s, I think he needs to feel a kind of connexion to have sex with someone, even if it’s just for one night. 

F: Favorite Position

Literally, any variation of doggy style. Kid is an ass man, so he wants and needs to see the ass he’s fucking. Plus, he’s a rough guy, with wild instincts and seeing someone all helpless, on all four awake his carnal desires.

The more helpless you are in front of him, the more he’s turned on. He likes to see your pussy and asshole clenching desperately, waiting to be filled. While he thrusts into you, he just loves seeing your ass giggled and leave some hand prints when he spank you. If he can tie your wrists or pull on your hair, then, it’s even better. Seeing you, your chest against the mattress and your ass up in the sky is his favorite view. Plus, he can see his cock thrusting inside of you, coat of your juice. What a delight. 

With his lover, he also likes matting press. Just because you always cry out, complaining about how big he’s and how deep he’s fucking you in this position. He’ll never stop looking at you and your flustered expression. 

As I said in the dirty secret, Kid also likes to leave all the work for you sometime. In this case, he’ll go with reverse cowgirl. He can see your ass, hold your hips with one hand, or just lay back and watch you bounce up and down desperately on his cock. Seeing his dick buried deep inside of you will make him growl of satisfaction. 

G: Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)  

Not goofy at all. Sex isn’t supposed to be funny for Kid. I think he can laugh, like while he’s teasing you, he’ll make fun of you, like "look at you, crying for my cock, you’re such a crybaby" but that’s all. Never, lord, never, you’ll hear Kid joking during sex.

If someone laughs at him during sex, then, he’s pissed off. With a night one stand, the mood is just ruined and he’ll leave. With his lover, he’ll get mad too, and also kinda hurt in his pride. He wants to make you feel good and cum at least once, so if you laugh at him, he'll think he’s not doing a good work. It will take a lot of time to reassure him after laughing at him.

H: Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Lol, I don’t think someone will live after asking him such a question.

But the carpet matches the drapes. 

Honestly, I don’t see Kid as a very hairy guy. 

And it’s maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think Kid takes care of himself. I mean, his manicure and make-up are always nailed. So when it’s starting to be hairy down there, he’ll trim it and cursed during the whole process, but that’s just Kid, always cursing. 

I: Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

With a one night stand ? Zero intimacy. Just rough sex and two people trying to reach ecstasy. 

With his lover, Kid is still not a romantic. For him, sex is not a way to express his love, it’s just a way to make the both of you feels good. He doesn’t understand the making love, lovey lovey dovey, crappy stuff. Having sex with his s/o means something to him, but the romantic side of it just fly over his head. 

J: Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)  

Considering his huge sex drive, Kid masturbate a lot. 

If you’re around and in the mood, then, he’d rather fuck with you than jack off. But if you’re not there, or not willing to have sex, he’ll just use his hand.

Everytime he sneaks around alone, you can be sure he’s jacking off and his crew already walk in while he was giving himself a little self-care time. 

K: Kinks (One or more of their kinks)

Humiliation/Praises : Calling his partner a whore, a slut and feeling them tightening around his cock. He likes to see how flustered he can makes you with his words. But if you’re not into degrading stuff, he doesn’t mind using praises, like "look at you, taking all of my cock so well,  that’s my girl", "that’s it, just take it all", "you feel so good around my cock" , "your pussy tighten around my cock, it won’t let me go, you like my dick that much?", "be a good girl and stay still" Etc

And he expects you to praise him as well. Tell him how good he’s fucking you, how good his cock feels inside you. And call him Captain in bed and you will have a lot of orgasms. He’ll make sure of it.

Anal sex : As I said in his dirty secret, Kid likes how tight anal sex feels. It always makes you flustered and he needs a s/o willingly to do anal sex from time to time. 

Pain : Well, Kid likes rough sex, everyone will agree with this fact. He likes to slap your cheeks, your ass, biting your neck, choking you lightly, pulling your hair. And he also loves when you scratch his back, pull on his hair and even bite him. It will make his cock throbbing inside you. 

Public sex : Kid likes to fuck you in a public place, the risk of being caught is a turn on for him. It’s just so naughty and sexy in his mind. But let’s be honest, if someone caught the two of you fucking, he wouldn’t give two flying fucks and just continues to thrust inside you. Feeling you tightening your walls around his cock because of the embarrassment will even make him growl and pound harder.  

L: Location (Favorite places to do the do)

As long as he can fuck you, the place doesn’t matter. Most of the time, he’ll fuck you in the bedroom or in his workshop, with you bending over his desk. 

He also likes fucking you on the deck, it matches his public sex kink. He’ll bend you over the railing, so hey, it’s quite romantic, to watch the sunset and the ocean while he’s plowing into you like the wild animal he’s.

But let’s be honest, Kid will fuck you anywhere, anytime. This boy isn’t picky. As long as you give him your consent, the place doesn’t matter. 

M: Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

The rush of adrenaline after a hard battle. He’s just so horny after a fight 

Whenever he needs to release some anger or frustration 

If you tease him, especially around of people

If he watches you fight. It’s hot, to watch his lover fighting and it always makes blood rush down to his cock. 

If you wear his red coat. It flustered him, but also makes him horny. Same if you’re wearing one of his shirts. 

If you want to have the ride of your night, just wait for him in the bedroom, wearing nothing but one of his shirts wide open on your bare chest. Or wait, naked, with his coat on your shoulders. Damn, it will drive him crazy.

Seeing his lipsticks smeared on your face or neck. 

N: No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything involving piss or shit. 

Sharing is caring, but if he ever accept to have a threesome, the guy will never have the right to fuck you. Your pussy belongs to him, and only him.

Being tied up. Kid hates feeling inferior or weak. If you’re his lover, he’ll only accept to be tied with something in metal, so he can take it off whenever he wants and take back the lead. 

Anything involving waters. He feels weak in it, even in the shower. He needs to feel powerful. 

Pegging is not a total no, but it will only happen with his lover and when the relationship is stable and long enough. He knows where his G point is, and please, he’s a punk, he LOVES non-conformism. But being vulnerable, laying on his back with his legs spreads or on all fours, his muscular ass up, chest against the mattress while you’re pegging him ? He really needs to trust his partner, because he’s afraid to ruin his reputation. Probably a bit overwhelmed and embarrassed at the end of the experience, but it was good. Please, reassure him than having that kind of experience has nothing to do with virility and that he’s still the dangerous and well-known Eustass Captain Kid. 

Roleplay : it’s so ridiculous and humiliating for him, he can’t. 

O: Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)  

A receiver, not a giver. Watching someone kneeling before him, sucking his cock, even gagging on it, damn, it’s just feel so good.

He bucks his hips, fucking your mouth. If you drool all over his cock, it’s even better. 

If you can deep throating him, it will make him cum really fast. His cock is big, not everyone is able to take his full length and girth. Just imagine this man losing his mind, cursing and throwing his head back while you deep throat him.

He, unfortunately, doesn’t go down on you often. But have you seen how this guy likes to show his tongue and lick his lips ? He knows how to use it, I can smell it. If you’re a one night stand, you’ll have to ask for having you pussy ate. 

If you’re in a relationship, especially if it’s the first time you two are fucking together, he’ll go down on you, lick your pussy and drink your juice, making sure you’re wet and ready for him. Go ahead, grab his head, pull on his hair, he likes it. Considering how stubborn he’s, he will keep going and only stop after you cum at least once against his lips. 

P: Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?)

Fast and rough. This man is a beast. 

He always needs to release some anger or stress, so he’s always rough while fucking you. Even more with a one night stand. 

He doesn’t want to hurt you, still. But his pace will never be gentle and sensual. But he’ll adapt to whatever you’re able to take it. 

He likes hearing skin slapping against skin, sounds of your wet pussy, leaving bites on your body. For him, sex is messy and rough. 

I can only see two ways to force Kid to have slow sex : 

If you’re a virgin and a one night stand : he’s pissed off. He wants to have fun, not to be anyone first time and all the craps it involves. So just take your clothes and get out of here. Yeah, he’s mean.

However, if you two are in a relationship, he doesn’t want to hurt you and knows his pace is not adapted for a virgin. He will do his best to take you slowly, in missionary, holding back himself. He wants to make you feel good and as you continue to fuck together, progressively, your sessions will be more and more rough and messy. His strokes would be really long and deep, hitting all the right spots. Imagine him, with his jaw clenched, sweats dripping from his forehead, growling huskily, the muscles of his arms all tensed as he’s trying his best to not slam roughly inside your tight pussy. Damn. 

If you challenge him, like, betting he’s not able to fuck you slowly, this man will have the slowest pace ever, just to prove you’re wrong. At the end, he won the game and you’ll be frustrated by how slow and torturing his thrusts are. 

Q: Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)  

He likes quickie, but not that much. Let’s be honest, if you ask him a quickie, the answer will always be yes. 

But he prefers proper sex, because he’s always 100% implicating in what he’s doing, so he wants to fuck your properly. 

During quickie, Kid will bend you over something or carry you against a wall, skip any foreplay and just slams himself into you, his lips against yours to muffle your screams. 

R: Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Kid likes to experiment, but only with his lover. With a one night stand, he wants to be in control and proves how good he’s. If you ask him to do something he has never done, then, he’s not willingly trying.

If you’re in a relationship, he can try some stuff and fantasies, but don’t you dare laugh at him if he’s not doing great the first times you two tries something new. It will really hurt is pride, he gets pissed off and less inclined to try new stuff.

Concerning the risk of being caught, well, Kid doesn’t give two flying fuck. 

S: Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

His stamina is perfect, he can last for a while. Good luck. 

Even with his rough pace, he can last easily 20 minutes of intense pounding. 

You’ll be tired before him. He’s quite observant with you and will notice when you really can’t take much more. 

His sessions are intense and you always end up breathing harshly and sweating, with your legs shaking. 

Kid knows how to hold back, but you can make him cum quickly with anal sex or deep-throating. 

T: Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He hates toys. Are you saying he’s doing the job so poorly, you need a toy to cum ? Okay, he’s pissed off. 

If you want to have a toy during your solo masturbation session, then, feel free, he will gladly create any toy you want with his DF. But when you two are fucking, no toy. 

It hurts his pride.

The poor baby has a lot of pride.

Maybe he can have some fantasies, like a handmade vibrator. He’ll ask you to keep it inside you during the day and from time to time, he’ll use his DF and watch you trying to keep a cold face in front of others while the toy tease your G point. 

U: Unfair (How much they like to tease)

He likes to tease you, especially with dirty talk. Just because it always makes you tighten around his cock. 

He will also tease you a bit during foreplay. He loves when you beg for his cock.

But due to his lack of patience, Kid is not the kind of guy to tease during hours. 

In public, if he can’t fuck you, he gets frustrated and tease you as a way to release some frustration.

If you want to tease him, feel free, but he’ll show you absolutely no mercy later, pounding into you like a fucking beast and growling about how naughty you were earlier. And if you try to squirm, he’ll hold your hips and growls to stay still. You earned this, so shut up and take it. (But of course he’s not a total dick, if you need him to slow down or even stop, he’ll listen.) 

V: Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

This man can’t do anything in silence. Of course he’s loud.

He grunts a lot, talk dirty, spank your ass, all of the time. 

He doesn’t scream. Just grunt and curse a lot. Just imagine him, with his low, husky voice, grunting close to your ear. 

He likes to hear you scream or moan for him. So please, do it. The louder, the better. 

Tell him how good he's fucking you, how huge his cock is stretching your walls and Kid will be more than happy. He's a simple man, overall.

W: Wild Card (Random headcanon)

After sex, if you’re in a relationship, he falls asleep really fast… and even if he’ll never admit it, he likes to be the little spoon. Just hold him firmly and tenderly from behind and let him be the little spoon, please. 

X: X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)  

Pale dick, pink sensitive head. A few veins along the shaft, but not that much.

Kid is a big and large guy, and considering how bold and cocky he acts, his cock is long and thick af, he needs the right back-up lol. He knows he’s big and he’s hella proud of his own cock.

Length around 17/20cm (7/8 inch). And the girth is scary. Good luck if it’s your first time. 

A shower, not a grower. 

His balls are proportioned to his cock size and heavy.

When he takes off his pants down for the first time in front of you, he’ll probably grins while watching your scared or excited face. 

Y: Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

High. Really high.

Kid is kinda always angry at something and he needs to release his frustration with sex. 

He can fuck you multiple times in the same day and still be ready for more. And his refractory period is really short, too. So good luck.

In a relationship, Kid needs someone with a huge sex drive too.

Z: ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Will snore 5 minutes after collapsing on top of you. 

After fucking you like a beast, he feels relaxed, his anger is gone (at least for now), same for his stress or frustration, so he’s sleepy. He’ll just clean himself quickly, or not, and fall asleep.

He doesn’t like pillow talk, but if you’re in a relationship, he’ll try to make an effort. 

If it’s a one night stand and not at home, he’ll leave and fall asleep once he’s back to his ship. 

Freedom (Johnny) - final

pairing: Demon!Johnny x Dancer!You (female character)

word count: around 6k

synopsis: After dancing at NCT’s party and having a private session with Johnny, you find yourself in a different situation. 

Inspired by Freedom - Kris Wu ft Jhené Aiko.

(Part 1 here)

[a/n]: i actually had a side-blog once and posted it there but i got author’s block and deleted everything. anyway, i’m rather proud of this scenario so i decided to post it again lol

You say you want some freedom You ain't got a leash on, you ain't coming home But where you wanna go You already know We can blow a creeper on the low I’ll be on my throne Tryna take it slow Guess you can control, let's play

 On rainy days, Y/N would rant about having to go to college in such a weather, then she would eat a schwarma and watch a good “Vines Compilation” until her mood was slightly better. Chances were that, if the “Bewitched boy vine” or the Mexican kid screaming "Alguien se comió mi torta” were in them, she’d smile.

However, since Johnny Seo happened, Y/N didn’t do any of that.

And that was three months ago.

“You’re really refusing a ride for college in this shitty weather?!” Yuta rolled his eyes.

“I’m refusing dying for a second time, Yuta.” Y/N chuckled.

“I won’t pick you up if the storm gets stronger, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” She opened the door of her apartment. “Before you leave, turn  the lights off.”

“Why don’t you move back to our house?”

“Because I can’t stand Youngho.” Y/N quipped. “Don’t forget the lights, dear!”

“I’ll pick you up at 9PM, college’s main door. One minute late and you’ll go back home all alone and in the rain.” Yuta yelled while she was leaving.

“Thank you.” She grinned, knowing he would always play hard to get.

  Later that night…

When Johnny heard a loud – excited – scream coming from Lucas, he knew she was there. It took her almost two months to come back... But who was counting, huh?

He pushed the girl out of his lap and barely looked at her while he dressed back.

“You gotta leave.”

“What?” The blonde beauty glared at him, shocked.

“You gotta leave. I need to address to an important matter right now.”

“B-but you said you didn’t have any business today!”

“Turns out I do.” He sighed. “Hurry up, I’ll escort you to the door.”

The girl pouted, but it didn’t make him change his mind. His attention drifted to the new female demon that had entered his property, the one that made his blood boil. He checked himself in the big mirror, feeling extremely hypnotising and sensual. Obviously, Y/N would pretend not to feel a thing, but he wanted her to be a bit shaken by his appearance. They didn’t part in good terms, so Johnny decided to give her a sample of the life she lost by gently telling him “to fuck off” and storming out of the room like a crazy ex-girlfriend. While closing his door, he made sure the sound was loud. When he walked to the stairs, he could hear Taeyong and Yuta saying something about ‘kitchen’ and there was a small silence. Perfect for his dramatic entrance.

Y/N looked up to the foyer at the sound of steps, her insides tightening at the sight of Seo Youngho. Then, right behind him, there was a tall, golden-haired lady that looked like a model.

“Cassiopeia is leaving.” Johnny announced in that hypnotic voice of his.

“I thought she had just arrived?!” Lucas frowned.

“Turns out she has some stuff to do.”

The girl looked so offended by his remark but didn’t object to any of it.

“Oh, ok then.” Lucas shrugged. “Y/N, Doyoung and I are going up to play some games, she’ll sleep over. Yuta and Tae are cooking dinner. Wanna join us?”

“Yes.” He shook his head. “Bye, Cassiopeia.”

And without a word, he left her alone in the staircase. She made an ‘I’m offended’ sound and came to the main floor, looking at Y/N and Lucas in pure annoyance.

“Johnny said he didn’t have anything to do, but then he kicks me out… What is happening, Lucas?” She inquired, trying to pout cutely.

“How would I know that, dear?” Lucas ventured, dismissing her with a soft grin. “C’mon Y/N, I’ve bought the French deck so you can teach me that truco game.”

Truco is a card game for two, four or six players, who shout a lot and make signs to tell their partner what cards they had. It’s a popular game in Latin American countries, with some regional differences, but funny either way. She was used to play that with her friends, Inez being the one that taught them how to. Since she couldn’t see the girls ever so often, Y/N decided that she would teach the boys, so whenever she felt like playing, she’d have company.

When Lucas opened his bedroom door, Johnny was there – his silky black hair parted in the middle and the white button-up shirt with the three first ones unbuttoned. Y/N felt as if she was punched in the stomach, his beauty too much for her own good.

“What are we playing?” Johnny asked.

“Nothing.” She replied. “Actually, I’ll go to the kitchen to help Yuta and Taeyong.”

“Are you really going to run away every time we meet?” Johnny pouted. “I didn’t take you as a coward, mei fortuna.”

“And I didn’t take you as a joke, Youngho, but look at where we are now?!” She spat.

“Ok, I’m gonna get Doyoung and when I come back, I want everyone behaving politely and pretending to be friends, huh?!” Lucas spoke slowly, as if he was talking to small, naughty children.

He left the room, closing the door with a dry sound. Y/N sighed, throwing herself on his bed and facing the ceiling in a stupid attempt to ignore the male demon.

“So, how’s life?” Johnny tried going for a small talk.

“Pretty good.” Y/N muttered. She intended to sound rude.

“Did Yuta tell you about the party this weekend?”

“He did, yes.”

“You coming?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe.” She looked at her nails, pretending to be uninterested.

“You can’t possible think about living only with your friends’ sins, Y/N. What if they notice you’re always the reason they start gossiping?”

“I don’t live off of only gossips. People commit sins every hour, duh.”

“You manipulate them to commit small sins, then?” Johnny laughed. “That isn’t enough.”

“Well, you should’ve thought better before ruining my life and turning me into a demon. I prefer doing things this way, it’s easier and doesn’t make my conscience ashamed.”

“Are you kidding me? You make your friends sin! What type of conscience is that?”

“And what about you? Do you even have one? You, I quote again, ruined my fucking life!”

“Aw, don’t be petty. At least I did it for myself and never pretended to have done with for something or someone else.” The corner of his mouth quirked up and she rolled her eyes. 

What was she expecting, to begin with? That he killed her to save his friends?! To save the world?! Ha, ha.

“See? And I’m doing this for myself too.”

“You won’t be powerful enough if you keep doing it.”

“I don’t intend to be powerful enough.”

“Are you sure?” Youngho tilted his head to the side, only the tiniest bit, but it drove her crazy.  That horrible man was so sarcastic and so arrogant… Ugh! She wanted to choke him!

Doyoung walked in with Lucas, automatically putting an end to their discussion.

“Let the games begin!” He shouted happily.

Y/N really tried not to get affected by Johnny’s presence, but it was impossible. She couldn’t stop remembering everything. Every fucking thing.

The tension when they met, how she was so hypnotised by him at first glance. Her dance and his eyes on her all the time. When they flirted. When she rejected him. The lap dance. When they kissed. When they fucked and how amazing, ethereal, unique that was… Then she died because of him. Fuck, it was so hard to accept the truth! Only being able to live because she took advantage of others and made them sin… She even brought her loved ones into the mess! What kind of disgusting creature would even do that?

But demons were like that and the faster she learned to deal with it, the better.

Also, there was one more thing bothering her: if she hadn’t arrived, Johnny would’ve slept with that Cassiopeia girl… Right? She said he kicked her out when they arrived.

Y/N felt the need to vomit.

“You seem a bit off, dear.” She was surprised by Doyoung’s soothing voice and the petname. Normally, Lucas was the one to be affectionate (and caring).

“I’m tired from college, so I can’t get into my competitive mode and make the game funnier.”

“How many months until it ends?”

“Two, thank God.” She chuckled, earning three smirks in response.

“You’re really a believer now.” Johnny teased her, knowing she would get annoyed.

“I actually had no other option.” Y/N’s tone was dry and she refused to look at him.

“Well, I’m sure the supper is almost ready, so what about we stop the game for now and go to the kitchen? If you eat you’ll get a boost of energy.” Doyoung held her hand, shocking her even more. 

Did the boys actually feel sorry for her having to put up with Johnny?!

“Agreed.” Lucas shook his head. “Let’s go, princess.”

Youngho was frowning due to Doyoung’s odd behaviour, but it got unbearable thanks to Lucas’ boldness. What the fuck was wrong with his friends? Did Y/N need to be pampered and treated as the most delicate flower now?

If he was going to be honest with himself – which he was not –, he'd admit that he was a bit jealous. Y/N didn’t need sugar-coated treatment; she liked things rough, she was tough and cold when she needed to be, and knew how to put people in their place. A woman like her should be treated as a goddess, not as a fragile lady. And, well, Johnny knew how to treat her right. He knew exactly what to do to make her squirm, to capture all of her attention, to crawl under her skin. Unfortunately, since they were connected by her transformation, he was sure Y/N knew what to do to him as well…

Even though she never seemed interested in using it to her favour.

That was the saddest thing about turning people into demons: you created a bond with them; so you could feel when they are struggling, when they’re excited, when they’re mad or happy... That’s why less and less demons offered or agreed to do so; it was too much trouble. When Y/N woke after “dying” and they talked, Johnny went out to find more experienced demons who could help him figure out what really had happened, but there wasn’t much information about what happened when someone becomes demon without selling their soul and requesting to come back as one of them. Then, he wasn’t able to answer all of her questions and Y/N freaked out, deciding she had enough and was wasting her time... So she left him.

Him.

She didn’t leave Yuta, Taeyong, Lucas or Doyoung.

She left just him.

Moreover, it was a hard punch on his ego. No one ever left him, he left them.

When they sat down for dinner, Y/N was between Yuta and Lucas, looking more relaxed than before. She loved Taeyong’s food because it was always homemade and he usually cooked dishes she could use as “comfort food”; besides, that’s what eating meant to her: comfort. He had prepared dough soup (sujibae), mushrooms, courgettes and garlic bread as sides, and for dessert chocolate lava cake. 

Yuta poured her some soup while she devoured in one bite the bread.

“Do you live in hunger?” He joked.

“Only when the weather is shitty.” Y/N stated. “Oh God, Tae, I love your food!”

“I’m glad I can help.” The leader smiled lovingly. “Did you have fun playing cards?”

“No, dear, not at all.” She shook her head. “Would you ever be so kind to pass me the mushrooms, Dodo?” The adorable smile she gave Doyoung (and that hideous petname) made Johnny scow. 

What the fuck was happening there?

“Should we start with the British accent as well?! Maybe some Regency outfits and a full decoration?” Doyoung joked, handling her the mushroom bowl.

“Capital! That would be precious.” Y/N leaned forward, a hand on her heart and eyes twinkling. “I’d like to be called ‘Your Grace’ or ‘milady’.”

“Holy fuck!” Lucas tried to muffled a laugh. “Suits you perfectly, tho. However, since I’ve always been calling you ‘princess’ I might have to stick with ‘Your Highness’, huh?”

“The higher the better.” She winked.

“Damn, you’re still here but I’m already missing you so much!” Yuta bawled. “Please, come back home! You’ll be safer and happier here, I swear.”

“Agreed.” Lucas and Doyoung said at the same time.

She felt her heart warm up with that. It was awesome living together with them – unfortunately, she didn’t want to put up with all the trouble Johnny brought her, and he sure would. Also, what would she do if he showed up with girls night after night? She couldn’t spend the whole day in the bedroom and the boys would think she was sick or going officially crazy… Yes, of course she could talk about Johnny with any of them, but she didn’t want to. Talking about him would make things more real… And she preferred to ignore it.

“You know I can’t, Yuta.” She was about to change subjects when she earned the puppiest ‘puppy eyes’ look of all them: Taeyong. “Stop, Tae! Don’t look at me like that! It’s not good for the baby.”

“Which baby?” He paled.

“Me.” Her mouth twitched.

Lucas chuckle soon turned into a laugh and soon everyone started laughing too… Everyone but Johnny. His eyes were bored into her, trying to tore her skin and uncover all truth she had hidden – sincerely, with the intensity of that gaze, she wouldn’t be surprised if she was naked.

  Johnny left her mouth, his strong body hovering over her and his hand kept its work. Y/N felt her heart beating loudly thanks to the pleasure.

It had to be the pleasure.

‘We’re not doing things your way.’ She moaned.

‘Are you sure?’ There he was again, being the stupidly arrogant man he was.

‘We’re not.’ Y/N tried to assure her own head.

‘Aw, I think we will.’ His long digit eased its way inside her, making Y/N’s eyes shut automatically. The hideous man! ‘What do you say?’

‘Stop, Youngho, that’s what I say. Stop.’

He paused as instructed but his finger was still in her.

Y/N abruptly shifted on the bed, the wet dream still painfully alive on her memory. She looked to the side – Lucas, as the heavy sleeper he was, didn’t even flinch at her agony. Leaving the mattress, she grabbed her night-robe and decided that the kitchen was the best place to deal with frustrations… Or whatever “wet dreams” should be classified.

  She was in the middle of preparing hot chocolate when she heard steps.

“Oh, you’re here.” Johnny’s voice sent shivers down her spine.

“Youngho.” Y/N breathed in.

“Y/N.”

“Why are you here?”

“Am I not allowed to enter my own kitchen?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m here because I was hungry and smelled chocolate, so I thought Tae was having a midnight-crisis and wanted to bake something to chill out.” He shrugged. “Anyway, mei fortuna, what about you? What made you wake up so early? A wet dream?” He smiled innocently at her, doing his best to look uninterested.

“How the fuck did you know?”

“I’m connected to you, I told you already.”

“Yeah, in a really dumb and weak way.” She sneered. “Stop reading my mind, then.”

“I’m not reading it; what the fuck do you take us for?! We’re not in Twilight!” Johnny crinkled his nose. “You died in lust and greed, that’s why these are more intense in your life now. And, not to be nosy, you need to fuck often.”

“Oh my fucking God.” She rolled her eyes, turning off the stove.

“You’ve been calling Him a lot.”

“Yeah, I found out He’s the only one listening to my complaints, currently.”

“Aren’t your soldiers working hard to grant each one of your wishes?”

“My soldiers?”

“Lucas, Yuta, Taeyong and Doyoung. I’ve never seen them this devoted.”

“They aren’t my soldiers, but I won’t apologize for the way they treat me.” She smiled coyly. “If it bothers you, I suggest you mind your own business, then.”

“It is quite hard to mind my own business when they’ve been all petnames and sugar-coated actions on you.” Johnny stated matter-of-factly. “You don’t need this.”

“What are you trying to suggest? That I don’t deserve to be pampered?!”

“Precisely.” He agreed. “You don’t like that.”

“Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?” She scoffed, offended.

“Mei fortuna, you like roughness and choking, you like playing the femme fatale and you like the idea of being in control even when you know that it ain’t true.” Johnny raised a brow. “Or am I wrong? Do you really enjoy those ‘princesses’ and ‘dears’ and ‘sweethearts’?”

“Judging by this I suppose you call me a whore when you go on with your ‘Mei fortuna’ thing, right?!”

Johnny’s eyes lighted up in surprise. He thought she would know by now, but that wasn’t the case.

“Actually it’s a Latin expression that means ‘My luck’… Since you’re my lucky charm.”

She didn’t mean to be touched by it. She didn’t even like what it represented… But she, somehow, felt her heart getting warm and small.

Oh, for fuck sakes, the man was hideous!

“Hmpf. Well.” She stuck her nose in the air, dismissing him. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Without your hot chocolate?”

“You can have it.”

“Are you coming to the party this Saturday?”

“Perhaps I will.” Y/N disappeared into the hall, leaving Johnny with a smug smile.

It was flattering that she had a wet dream with him and felt bothered by it. He couldn’t wait to put his hands on her again… And he would make sure to do it on Saturday.

  ●●●

Yuta had showed Y/N all the possible souls she could buy or feed off. He knew how to handle her and how to make it all seem less horrible – which she preferred.

“You have to feed yourself, love. Properly.” He had told her, compassion shining on his dark eyes.

Yuta was right, as expected. After corrupting two souls, her body felt stronger, alive. And the feeling was addictive; she wanted to keep doing that for ages.

Congrats Y/N, you’re a hideous being. – her conscience screamed.

A tall man walked past the group she was talking to, the dark blue suit so beautiful and shiny that it caught her attention. Her eyes went straight up to the man’s face… Just to find out he wasn’t a stranger at all. Of course Seo Youngho would be walking around as if he was God himself. They exchanged glances and Y/N felt another type of hunger.

Damn, she would give everything to get dicked down by him (again).

With a handshake, she dismissed her targets and approached Devil.

“Youngho.”

“Y/N. You came.”

“Not really.” She couldn’t help but rejoice in his grin.

“That can be arranged.”

“Oh, I’m afraid it can.” She shook her head positively. “These guys are really easy to convince. In fact, Yuta showed me some of them, and the rest happened almost automatically.”

“So no more gossips? Are you eating properly?”

“Wanna check out?”

“No, no. I might get jealous.” He gave her a half smile. “But I’m glad you’re finally doing it right.” His eyes turned slowly into the devilish cognac colour, shining with wickedness and proudness, and Y/N felt her throat burn with desire.

That man was impossible.

“Isn’t Cassandra around?” Right after asking, Y/N felt stupid and childish.

“Cassiopeia?” Johnny looked at her with humour. “I don’t think she will come. She’s mad at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with humans.”

“But are you in the mood for demons?”

“It depends. Are they female?”

“Maybe…”

“Interesting. What else?”

“It’s just a possibility, though.” Y/N started cautiously. “I mean, you’re really arrogant and I’m still fed up with all that happened months ago – but maybe, and I stress it, maybe, I want us to fuck.” She blushed. “The wet dream and all…”

Johnny smirked.

“Wanna discuss it somewhere private?”

“Please.” She agreed.

  They got inside Johnny’s chamber and Y/N remembered the day she went there for the first time. Apparently, even though she didn’t sleep with him that night, it was bound to happen. And now, luckily, she would lay on that wicked bed and do wicked things with Mr. Wicked.

“Why are you still mad?”

“I’m having a hard time concealing my demon shit with my previous life. Now that I’m eating properly, it downed on me it’s real, you know?!”

“Yeah, it is tricky in the beginning.” He chuckled. “But I don’t see why you should stay mad at that, nor at me.”

“Oh, of course you only turned me into this, but where’s the problem, huh?!”

“Are we having this conversation again?”

“Well, I apologize for not fully adapting into a life I didn’t ask for!” Her tone was sarcastic, but the way her brows knotted together made her just cute.

He could feel her anger and her lust… Oh, she was so adorable! He couldn’t help himself.

“Y/N, look, I know you didn’t ask for it and I know you’re annoyed by what happened but there’s no way to reverse it. So, instead of being bitter and petty forever, why don’t you enjoy what was given to you? You have powers, you can manipulate lives and destinies… And you have me.”

“What?” Her jaw dropped.

“Well, I’m here to fuck you senseless, aren’t I?”

“I-I kinda hope so… I guess.”

“Then let’s close the topic. After I'll fuck your brains out, I think you’ll be able to see things clearer, alright?” Johnny locked the door. “Now be a good girl and strip for me. This skirt is driving me nuts.” He gestured to her leather skirt.

Her hands went to the clothing piece, but she stopped mid-way.

“What?” Johnny inquired.

“I was thinking… I’ve stripped for you once and did a lap dance.” She tilted her head to the side. “Would it be too greedy of me if I ask you to take them off yourself?”

He hesitated for a brief second, then smirked.

“It would be a pleasure.”

Y/N felt her heart beating fast while he approached her – those long fingers going straight to her cropped top. Her boobs fell down, free from the fabric, and Johnny’s mouth watered at the sight. He played with one nipple, feather touches, just to tease. Y/N was too focused on his alcoholic yellow eyes to try to make him stop with the teasing.

“You make me so thirsty, Youngho.”

Something in the way she said his name – as if it was a prayer – ignited him inside.

“For what?” One of his hands travelled up to her chin, cupping it.

“For cognac.” She closed her eyes and breathed in. “For kisses.” And then when she looked at him again, her irises were also yellow. “For you.”

He kissed her urgently, passionately, violently. It had been months since he felt something like that… Something so right. It couldn’t be just because he transformed her; he had that feeling long before. However, Johnny didn’t want to analyse anything but her body… Well, not yet. He tugged on her skirt, pulling it down slowly. Stopping the kiss to look at her in her burgundy lace set, he sighed contently. Oh, he would devour her.

“What?” Y/N questioned.

“Nothing. It’s just that you are too pretty for your own good.”

“And you’re too dressed for my own good.” She giggled.

“Well, do you want me to strip?” His voice was pure mockery, but his eyes were predatory.

“If you’d ever be so kind, sir.”

“Oh.” He smiled, his body beginning to withdraw from hers. “Then if you allow me to be greedy too, I have a request.”

“I thought you were the boss here.”

“Normally, yes. But once in a lifetime I can let someone else play the role… That being said, can you call me ‘Youngho’ or ‘Johnny’ as for tonight? Nothing about ‘sir’ or ‘Devil’.”

“That’s an odd request coming from you, sir, but I can comply.”

“Alright. Now that we’re settled, maybe you should sit down… I won’t be able to catch you if you faint while I strip.” He blinked in fake innocence, which made Y/N grin.

She didn’t want to argue with him right now. They were teasing each other and it felt good, not resentful like it has been for the past months. Even though calling him by his name would make things way more intimate, she couldn’t bring herself to care. Also, she needed a proper fuck. She needed someone like Johnny; and she didn’t want to ruin everything before she had an orgasm. 

When Y/N sat down on his bed and it was as if she was embraced by pure lust. She touched the black satin sheets and smiled to herself… She had a set that looked like that, and it was her favourite one. Then she looked up and forgot how to breathe. Handsome boys undressing from their suits should be elected as the first of the Seven Wonders of the World. After taking out his jacket, Johnny started unbuttoning his shirt, loving the way Y/N followed his fingers as if she was under hypnosis. He threw it aside, hands now on his belt, and Y/N licked her lips.

“Holy fuck, let me do it.” She reached out for him, but he slapped her hand.

“No, no. This is my time to shine, mei fortuna. You asked for a strip and you’ll get one.”

“You’re taking too long!”

“You took two months and a whole ass song! I’m not even gonna take four minutes.”

“My tongue is impatient.” She nagged. “Please, Youngho.”

“What does your tongue have to do with it?”

“I want to lick every inch of you, that’s the problem!”

He chuckled, finding her eagerness so adorable that he gave up. “Oh, ok then. Guess you can control now.”

Y/N wanted to take her time with his body, so she started from his neck. Getting up, she let her hands touch his shoulders while her mouth went to his chin and collarbones. Oh, he was delicious and addictive! What a horrible, hideous man! Johnny’s chest rose, breathing in, closing his eyes to enjoy the caress properly. Her tongue left small licks all over his torso, getting lazier with every step further down, next to his belt. One warm hand got rid of his trousers in a quick move, leaving him with his underwear. Y/N smiled to herself, undressing him from his last piece of clothes. Without warning, she swirled her tongue over his shaft, receiving a raspy grunt in response. She looked up, repeating the movement, slower. Youngho sighed, feeling shivers run through his body. He watched, mesmerised, Y/N start to suck him off, swallowing him as far as she could handle. He tightened the grip on her head, but not moving at all, because it was her time to dictate the rhythm. Her large nails clawed at his thighs and the shivers intensified. He let out a loud groan as Y/N squeezed her testicles lightly, testing them. Johnny leaned against the wall, succumbing to the pleasure, but his attention remained on her, unable to take his eyes off the wonderful scene that Y/N was sucking his dick.

She guided his wrist to her hair, not really needing to “be in control” to make him cum. Johnny accepted it as if he needed to be tugging on her hair tightly for his life. He kept her head still and started to fuck her mouth. Y/N looked up again, and her eyes were so lustful that it was more than he could bear; Youngho was never prepared to see her as beautiful and disposed as she was in sex. He really wanted her to be in Louvre, the most precious paint to ever be shown.

“Can I cum in your mouth, mei fortuna?” He asked, wiping a small tear from her eye, his thumb caressing her cheekbone while he kept thrusting inside.

She shook her head positively the best she could, due to their position. It didn’t take much to make Johnny cum – he got out slightly, so he could see his seed filling her mouth. It was all too erotic, too lustful, so right. He watched Y/N eagerly lick her mouth, giggling. Without giving him more time to take enjoy of the scene, Y/N stood up.

“I think you should lay down, Youngho.”

“Anything you want, love.” Johnny mocked her, doing as she suggested. “What are you going to ride tonight?”

Y/N tried to pretend she wasn’t surprised he guessed what was going to happen. “Your face, and then your cock... If you behave.”

Johnny chuckled. “The only noise you’re going to listen from me is my mouth devouring you, I promise.”

It took her a deep breath to start moving. Her heart was beating so fast and she was so anxious to have his mouth on hers that she, for a moment, thought she wouldn’t handle it. Y/N passed one leg on either side of his face, slowly going down before sitting on that pretty mouth. His tongue began to move, the friction and speed so wonderful that it made her moan loudly. That was so much better than what she had imagined. Holding on the headboard, Y/N tried to focus entirely on the sensations. Youngho licked her like a lazy cat, sucking ever so often on her clit and letting one hand rest on her thigh. When she felt fully enchanted, her hips started moving slightly, riding his face as she had warned before. Johnny growled, his tongue speeding up.

“If you suffocate, please just throw me aside.”

He pushed his face further on her pussy, as a response. Y/N’s eyes flew shut, the orgasm building quickly. Oh, the hideous man he was! Her body just couldn’t get enough of him! She gasped, tipping her head back, enjoying the tight grip on her stomach. Somehow, he smacked her butt and it was everything she needed to fall into the pool of pleasure.

Johnny didn’t wait for Y/N to calm down. He gently pushed her to the side and sat down, bringing her to his lap, kissing her hungrily. In a matter of second, she was already aligning herself in his member. His eyes brightened in anticipation. It was incredible how anything made by her became an intense erotic act. Her breasts arched forward while she sunk on his dick, and he took them in his hands, squeezed them, sucking her nipples and leaving little bites that made Y/N moan loudly. He stared at the spot where they met, feeling pure bliss. The first thrust was so precise that she ran out of air. Only Johnny could touch her in the right way, make her feel right. At that moment, while the two were together, Y/N did not think about her problems or their complicated relationship; she concentrated only on Youngho and all the wonderful things that made her feel. How desperate she had been for him, and it seemed to get worse over time. Staring into his alcoholic eyes, Y/N began rock against him, increasing their pleasure. She was still sensitive from the past orgasm and that was enough to make her hungry for another. Johnny grabbed her hip, the noise of thrusts being louder than the grunts and gasps they let loose. She ran her hands down his tanned backs then wrapped them around his neck, still grinding, but she lost some speed as he lowered his face and sucked one of her nipples. It was hard to focus on only one place in her burning body. She began to quiver, her nails digging into his shoulder and indicating her orgasm.

“Here.” Youngho took her hands on his, intertwining their fingers. “To keep you steady, love.”

The petname was too much.

He should come back with ‘Mei fortuna’ or anything that remembered her of who they truly was… But ‘Love’ was too much. ‘Love’ made her heart feel warm and melt. ‘Love’ made her think she could never stay a day without looking at those yellow eyes.

Y/N gave in to the spasms and searched for air as she reached her high – she was far away, plunged into absolute delight. No more than a minute later, she felt Johnny's arms hold her down, laying her on her back while he climbed up and shoved into her again. Y/N let out a little shriek from the surprise thrust. The strength in which he held her would leave marks, but Youngho was too eager for release to care. When he came, he moaned loud his hips slowing down only a bit. He grinned, sticking his forehead to hers and opened his eyes.

“One time I heard Lucifer is the prettiest being alive.” She murmured, hypnotised. “Are you sure your name is Youngho?”

“I am, Y/N.”

“Damn, if he is prettier than you than I hope to never meet him.”

Johnny couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s good when you don’t die after we fuck.”

“It only happened once.” She groaned. “Are you really going to ruin the mood?”

“It keeps me from doing something crazy.”

“Such as?”

“Asking you to move back home… Asking you to stay.” He shrugged, getting out of her.

Y/N sat down, shocked. “What to do you mean?”

“I thought fucking you would make you come to your senses, but turns out it backfired.”

“Youngho, I don’t have time for metaphors.”

“Maybe demons do fall in love, Y/N, and maybe I’ve fallen for you.”

She choked, too surprised to answer or pretend to be fine with what he said.

“And maybe that’s why you didn’t officially die when I corrupted you.” Youngho ruffled his hair, wiping a bit of the sweat off. “I don’t know, honestly. Nothing like this happened to my friends that corrupted beings of light, but none of them felt this drawn into their victims.” He approached her, holding her chin up and looking into her now yellow eyes. “When we met… When you left two months ago… It was you from the beginning, Just Y/N, not your light.”

Oh, the hideous, horrible man!

And just like that, he had her heart wrapped around his finger.

How do the other survivors react to cheryl? uwu

we love cheryl <3

Cheryl & other survivors headcanons

Dwight is used to getting so many incredulous comments along the lines of “You’re the leader?”, so when Cheryl just shrugs when Ace introduces him as such, he instantly decides to try to befriend her. The two bond a lot over having been outcasts and without many friends during their time before the fog.

Meg and Cheryl get off on the wrong foot. Meg reminds Cheryl of the popular girls who used to give her the cold shoulder in school, and she brings out the snark, to which Meg’s hot temper is quick to respond to. They eventually bond after Cheryl opens up to the camp about the murder of her father.

Claudette is a little bit intimidated by Cheryl. She’s impulsive and not afraid to speak her mind and Claudette is a lot more reserved. However, Cheryl starts seeking her out, making an effort to get to know her. “I’m sorry if I seem rude, I just never really knew how to make friends,” Cheryl awkwardly explains. Claudette almost wants to cry, relating wholeheartedly and the two become good friends despite their contrasting personalities.

Jake is pretty rude to new survivors in general. He likes listening in on Cheryl talk to the others about her past, and ends up respecting her a lot despite never having talked to her. Once, he saves her during endgame. “I thought you hated me,” a surprised Cheryl says. “I don’t hate you, I just can’t stand people,” he explains. Instead of calling him out on his rudeness, Cheryl just says “Mood” and they bond over being edgy little shits.

Nea vibes with Cheryl’s chaotic, rebellious energy. She brings out a playful side of the normally serious girl and eggs her on to to dumb shit in trials, to the annoyance of the other survivors.

Laurie has sen that same look in her own eyes and knows Cheryl has been through some shit. They share a quiet solidarity, more often than not sensing each other’s auras in trials. Sometimes they wordlessly exchange shivs by the campfire and put the others on edge.

Ace finds Cheryl to have a dry and dark sense of humor that he loves. Cheryl is quick to adopt father figures in her life and kind of latches on to Ace at the start, since his lighthearted banter and shitty jokes make her feel welcomed to the group.

Bill’s initial reaction is pretty much “Just another kid to protect”. He ends up eating his words when Cheryl shows just how capable she is despite her young age. He even gives her honest to God compliments for teaching him how to tank a hit after recovering off the ground.

Feng is thinking strategically right off the bat, skipping any greetings and demanding “So, what can you do?” and trying to figure out how the other’s skills will benefit her the team. Feng takes a shine to Cheryl because she’s kind of a tryhard in trials and they almost always end up escaping if they’re together. And there’s nothing Feng likes more than winning.

David is irritated at the injustice of another survivor, and a kid at that, getting trapped in the realm. He ends up taking it out on Cheryl, blunt and rude in their interactions, until a pissed off Cheryl confronts him with a “Dude, what the hell is your problem!?” and David realizes he could stand to be a little more friendly.

Quentin and Cheryl? Near-instant besties. They’re the same age, have a similar vibe and share similar hellish nightmare trauma. Even though the others have also sen Some Shit ™, Quentin feels like Cheryl is the only one who understands having a fucked up childhood and constant nightmares. They have a whole bunch of inside jokes and most are extremely morbid.

Tapp reminds Cheryl of Douglas and she tells him as much. When Tapp is, unsurprisingly, concerned about the whole cult thing she lets slip, she ends up opening up to him more than any of the others about the events of Silent Hill. Tapp never speaks a word of it to anyone and makes it his mission to get between Cheryl and Pyramid Head every opportunity he can, as Cheryl says the killer reminds her of the monsters she faced.

Kate immediately jumps into a big sister role and Cheryl is a little taken aback by the sudden, hearty affection. Kate doesn’t let up and Cheryl begrudgingly accepts the hugs and Kate becomes the nice, if a little overbearing, aunt figure.

Adam, at first glance, resigns himself to the fact that he has nothing in common with the rebellious teen. Cheryl surprises him by being hungry for knowledge, listening intently to whatever tidbit Adam shares. He actually blushes when Cheryl says he’s a great teacher and if the ones in her schools had been like him she probably never would have flunked.

Jeff swoops in to save Cheryl every time the others are being a little too insistent asking about her past or requesting to be taught her perks. Jeff distracts her from life in the fog, asking about what kind of music and movies she’s into and what she used to do in the real world.

Jane can tell Cheryl is troubled by her past and tries to get her to talk about the events of Silent Hill, but Cheryl pulls away and only wants to share with someone she’s comfortable with. Jane pushes a little too hard and Cheryl starts avoiding her, having some unresolved issues involving female authority figures that she needs to work through.

Ash makes bad dad jokes and is secretly pleased when Cheryl shows an interest in the mechanics of his prosthetic. There’s a certain kind of ego boost that only comes from a teenager genuinely saying that his arm is “cool”.

Nancy’s first impression is that Cheryl was that weird kid in school who everyone avoided for no reason. So, like with Barb and Jonathan before her, Nancy makes a conscious effort to get to know Cheryl and ends up appreciating her weird little quirks. Cheryl, in turn, often calls Nancy a nerd, but it’s affectionate and their friendship is a wholesome one.

Steve tries to befriend Cheryl a little too eagerly because something about her reminds him of Robin. They have an awkward confrontation where Cheryl says she’s not interested, and Steve is confused for a whole minute before panicking. “Shit, I wasn’t trying to hit on you! I just wanted to be friends because you seem cool af!” In the end they laugh it off and become friends after an awkward start.

Yui loves how independent and badass Cheryl is. She develops a small crush and is always uncharacteristically quiet and flustered whenever Cheryl compliments her skills in trials.

Zarina is skeptical of Cheryl because of her young age. She ends up appreciating how resourceful the girl is, but sticks to admiring from afar as she doesn’t feel like she can relate to her struggles.

The Deli Diaries [9]

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11 [Finale]

➜ Words: 3k

➜ Genres: Fluff & Cuteness, That good ol’ slow burn, Slice of Life

➜ Summary: Working at a grocery store deli is absolutely unbearable (and you’re also perfectly aware of how dramatic you are). But it seems like something, or rather, someone might make the job a bit more manageable.

➜ Warnings: Mundane-ness that might make you bored to death

➜ Notes: ladies and gentlemen, we are slowly but surely moving away from slowburn from this point forward.

You didn’t think it was possible to hate your job outside of work.   For the most part, you like to grumble and complain during the working process. Once you’ve made it home, you’re pretty damn happy and don’t bother wasting your energy to continue whining about it. Out of sight, out of mind.   Except now, you were outside of the deli, outside of the grocery store, and surrounded in everything that had to do with it — colleagues, snotty upper management, the company name plastered on every single wall, advertisements on every napkin and piece of paper.   The presenters on stage were reading off of their cookie cutter scripts and it was so entirely cringe-worthy, every second you were dying a little bit more inside. Still, you came because you got to skip work and there’s free food.   You’ll do anything for free food.   “Did you join the raffle?” Yuna asks, shuffling down the buffet line with you.   “No. I’m not paying a cent to them.”   Your favourite coworker laughs, her festive green dress twirling as she spins to grab a fudge brownie. “But it’s a chance to win a hundred dollar gift card.”   “Yeah, for the grocery store.” Your voice drops into a quieter volume and your eyes flicker in all directions before you lean closer. “I’d rather shop at Walmart.”   The young girl laughs and it becomes drowned out in the fancy hall. The company rented out the spacious venue for a few weeks so that every store could celebrate the holidays together. It was the only party in the entire year and where a few dollars of your docked paycheck went to.   It’s a Christmas party, but management is adamant about calling it a holiday party, even though it’s pretty obvious with the decorated Christmas tree in every corner, the santa hats and fake santa sitting on his throne with a lineup of kids in front of him. The icing on the cookies were of gingerbread men or snowmen and most of the older folks said ‘Merry Christmas’ to each other as they passed by.   It really isn’t that bad of a celebration. You wouldn’t go as far as to call it generous since you’re sure this is all a tactic to boost morale and make the workers change their minds about the shitty year. But the dinner is fairly good, the music is pleasant, and there was an open bar where people are happily getting drunk on alcoholic eggnog.   You also had a sip of some alcoholic hot chocolate before realizing that it was pretty disgusting and you gave it away.   “I’m going to go sit with my family.”   “Oh yeah, sure. Did you need me to take that family photo for you?”   Yuna shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. My boyfriend can take it.”   “Right.” You smile, trying not to feel bitter and it wasn’t that difficult considering the festive mood was infectious and making you feel more chipper. “Lucky you.”   “Speaking of which…” Your coworker lingers with two plates in her hand, still not returning to her family yet when there’s a more important question on the tip of her tongue. “Where’s that produce boy?”   Instantly, you know who she’s talking about. But you don’t want to give in to what she’s implying, so you give the most confused expression you can muster. “Who?”   “You know...the cute guy that always stares at you. The one you always have lunch with…? You walk home together?!” Yuna is frustrated from your blank expression and detects that you’re just playing dumb to antagonize her. “Ugh! You know who I’m talking about!”   “Hey, if he’s so cute, maybe you should date him,” you say with brows raised before taking a bite of a muffin.   “I-...I have a boyfriend, thank you very much.”   Your cheek is stuffed and you stop chewing for a long second. “And how is that stopping you?”   She opens her mouth and then shuts it, inhaling a deep breath. “We are not doing this again.”   You laugh, having too much fun teasing the poor girl. “Merry Christmas!” You bid her a goodbye and a good holiday in case you don’t see her again in the sea of people.   “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”   For the next little while, you hang around by yourself. You eat some more, stroll around to observe the activities made for the children, colour a stocking before giving it to a four-year old who had been staring the entire time, all while hiding from your manager.   Earlier, she forced everyone who worked in the deli to gather and take a picture together. It was cute and all until every single person wanted their own copy and seven phones were passed around. You were forced to awkwardly stand there and pretend these people were your best friends in the whole world while your picture was taken twenty times and your smile grew more and more stiff.   More importantly, the plate of food you set down was stolen.   And now you were hiding, not only from having to repeat that monstrosity, but there were rumours that the store manager wanted every department to go up on stage and sing a carol together — and you are not about that life.   “What are you doing?” There’s a cute and smooth voice that tickles your ears as you’re sticking your back to a white pillar.   You turn slightly, smile appearing at the person you see. “Hiding.”   Jimin grins and doesn’t even ask. “Of course.”   “Oh shit.” You point to the red and white stick he’s holding. “Where did you get the candy cane?”   “In a basket over there.” He motions to the other side of the hall and blinks at you. “Want some?”   “Uh, yes.” You put your hand out and he cracks it, fiddling with the wrapper for a second before dropping it in your hand. You throw it into your mouth all at once, forming a strategic plan to march across the venue without being noticed and grabbing a handful of the peppermint candy to bring home.   At your prolonged silence, he moves until he’s in your line of sight again. “What are you thinking?”   “Nothing.”   “You’re going to steal a bunch, right?” Jimin’s eyes crinkle and he giggles cutely at you.   “It’s not stealing if it’s free,” you argue, chewing and letting your teeth crunch on the hard candy. Your breath is getting fresher by the second, even if the flavour is strong.   “I like your sweater,” he points out. “It’s cute.”   “Eight bucks online,” you gloat while pinching the fuzzy red fabric with the cubby cartoon reindeer on it. Your leg lifts and you point to your black pants. “Leggings were a hand-me-down.”   “I like your hat.” The produce boy lifts his hand and plays with the white pom-pom at the end of your santa hat.   “Dollar store,” you tell him and he laughs again, having expected nothing less from you. “I like your button down shirt. Super fancy. And you got this whole hair thing going on.” You make wild gestures towards your own hair, looking at the way his dark locks curl slightly, exposing part of his forehead, a clean yet cute look. “Looks good, Park.”   “My mom made me do all this,” he grumbles shyly, made timid and embarrassed from your compliment. “I should’ve just worn a sweater like you did.”   “No, no. You look nice,” you reassure him and you’re not even saying that to make him feel better. It’s all too genuine and if anything, your compliment is an understatement to how you really feel. “I was lazy and I look like trash no matter what I do—”   “That’s not true,” he intercepts. “You look nice too….like really good...cozy, I mean. It’s festive...yeah.”   “Thanks.” You’re trying not to smile so hard and you’re probably failing. “Did your parents come?”   “No, they’re at my grandma’s. My younger brother came though.”   “Oh yeah, I think I saw him earlier. Shouldn’t you get back to him?”   Jimin shakes his head. “No. He brought a friend along and he thought I was embarrassing him, so now I’m hanging out with you.”   “Wow.” You put your hands on your hips, sassing the boy. “Am I your backup or something?”   A grin spreads across his face, the apples of his cheeks puffing out. “You’re my first choice. I was looking for you.”   You’re caught off guard, but you catch yourself fairly quick. “Well...damn straight.”   “Did any of your family come?”   “And make them suffer through this?”   “Fair enough.” He smiles, humming while watching the surroundings of the bustling hall, how groups and cliques of middle aged workers are chatting with each other, how children are running along with one another and making a ruckus. Jimin hesitates a long moment before he asks, “you wanna go somewhere quieter?”   “What do you mean?”   “Somewhere without so many people.” He eyes you, mischief glimmering in his warm brown irises. “And where you don’t have to hide.”   “Okay.” You allow the cute boy to lead you to the left, down a corridor, past the washrooms and into the dark. Your steps begin to slow. “You’re not going to kill me, right? Steal my kidneys or my organs or something?”   “I don’t think the black market would even want your organs with your eating habits.”   You’re appalled, giving out the most dramatic and theatrical of gasps. “Calling me out like that when it’s supposed to be the happiest season of the year?” Jimin giggles and then he pushes the emergency exit door at the end of the hallway. A gust of winter wind comes to slap you across the face.   “Wait. We’re going outside? Nah.”   “Come on.” He waves you over, patience running thin, and you start backing away, arms holding your body, shaking from the chills that have already swept up your spine. “It’s not that bad.”   “It’s freezing, Jimin!”   “Come on.” He takes two large strides and grabs your arm, touch sliding down before he grabs your hand, tugging you. “It’s not bad.”   “Jimin!” You allow him to drag you out of the warmth of the building and the frigid temperature hits you at once. It’s like the freezer at the deli, except a lot worse with the wind and how it’s lightly snowing, crystals dusting from the sky and landing on the top of your skull.   “Trust me.” His hand is still holding yours and he pulls you behind the venue towards the garden area that they’ve turned into a festive display area. There are luminous strings of fairy lights wrapped around fences and bushes, hues of red and green, blue and pink. It’s a mosaic of colours, twinkling like stars, turned into decorations and also wrapping around the gazebo in the center. There are only two kids playing outside in the snow with their parents and no one else around…...probably because it’s freezing outside. “Isn’t it pretty?”   “Yeah. It is,” you admit breathlessly, getting closer to him. His chubby cheeks have become rosy and his nose reddened from the temperature. You’re sniffling, eyes watering, and Jimin laughs softly at your features. “If we freeze to death though, it won’t be so pretty anymore.”   “We won’t.” He pats his chest where his heart is. “I’ll keep you warm.”   “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.” It feels a lot better under the gazebo where you’re at least shielded away from the powder twirling from the dark sky and the frigid breeze. The lights wrap around the roof of the gazebo and around the poles, the kind of thing that the camera can’t do justice for.   Jimin sits down, side by side with you, and he stares out at the gorgeous scenery, musing, “I can’t believe the year is ending already.”   “I can’t believe I’ve worked at the deli for so long. Should’ve quit months ago.”   A small giggle bubbles from his lips and he bumps his shoulder with yours. “But then who would I share my breaks with?”   “Exactly.” Unfortunately, Jimin doesn’t know that you’re all too serious. He’s one of the primary reasons why you haven’t left the job. “We’d still see each other in school though. Next semester, we’re sharing that econ class together.”   He hums, a bright smile gracing his visage. “Save me a seat.”   “We’ll see,” you quip. There’s sweet Christmas tunes that leak from inside the building, faint singing voices that envelop you and help to create an even warmer atmosphere. Past the music, there’s white noise of cars in the distance driving past and the peaceful quiet of snow sweeping down from the air.   “Do you have any new year’s resolutions?”   “Get good grades, stay on top of school, travel if I can….maybe quit this job.” You try to think and nothing specific comes to mind. “Nothing special. How about you?”   Jimin downcasts his head, swinging his legs back and forth. “I have one or two resolutions.”   “And?”   He steals a cheeky glance. “And it’s a secret.”   You scoff. “What kind of secret?”   “A secret,” he replies simply and shrugs. His eyes pierce yours, locking his gaze and the stare becomes too intense, his proximity too close. You would shift back and get more distance between the both of you, but you’d be too cold without his body heat pressing on your side. “Do you have anything memorable from the past year?”   “Are we really doing this?” You smile, remembering the presenters on stage talking about what a memorable year this was, recalling all the wonderful sales and ordinary stories that could bore someone to death. They also took twenty minutes to praise individual people on the team...people you didn’t know at all.   “What?” The corner of his mouth tugs and his eyes crinkle. “It’s just a question.”   “My life is literally so mundane and boring. Nothing ever exciting happens to me.” You don’t know how to answer and you’re still racking your brain to see if there was anything memorable. “I guess getting this job and getting into university. You?”   “Something memorable?” A wistful sigh leaves through his parted lips and he glances up at the oak beams of the gazebo for a second. “No. Nothing.”   “Really?” There’s an incredulous expression on your face. “You look like you have something to say.”   “It’s…” He pauses suspiciously. “....embarrassing though.”   “Tell me,” you egg him on, unable to resist teasing the poor produce boy.   “Promise you won’t laugh or find me weird?” He searches your visage, sincerity and worry dripping off each of his syllables.   “Promise.” You nod, giving your word. “What is it?”   “Well…” Jimin scratches the back of his neck and then runs a hand through his hair, messing up his neat hairstyle and making it ruffled. The tip of his tongue peaks out as he licks his lips and he steals a peek at you before looking away in the opposite direction. You’re on the edge of your seat, anticipating, and not sure what to expect. “I kind of….might of….had a...crush on you.”   “Really?” Your brows raise and even if your cheeks are frozen and stiff, you’re sure that a wide smile is spreading into them. “When?”   “Like months ago. Remember when I came up to buy that pepperoni?”   “Oh yeah.” You’re gradually recalling it. “I got creeped out by you.”   “What?” His brows furrow, concerned at once. “Why?”   “You were just standing there. Wait.” It comes back as you’re retracting your memories and you snap your fingers as a light bulb goes off. “I wasn’t creeped out by you. I was annoyed! I remember now! There were twenty minutes left till closing and you were just standing there in silence waiting for me to serve you and I had already cleaned the slicer too. Oh my god. That was so annoying.”   “Sorry.” He’s genuinely apologetic and it only makes you smile harder. “I didn’t know.”   “It’s fine. It was cute….sort of.”   “I didn’t know anything about deli meat. Nothing about hams or salamis, so, I got pepperoni cause that’s the only thing I recognized,” he explains.   You laugh, finding his story too endearing. “But how did you even have a crush on me? We didn’t talk back then.”   “We didn’t talk, but I heard you talk all the time.”   “How?”   Jimin stares at you, becoming sheepish. “You’re kind of really loud when you’re yelling half-across the deli gossiping about other managers or when you’re humming or singing by yourself during closing.”   Now you’ve become the embarrassed one, burning underneath his gaze. “I didn’t know my voice projected that much…”   “It made my shifts a lot more interesting when you were around,” he says it in full appreciation.   Your mouth feels dry and you glance at him, trying to approach your question at a more casual angle since you weren’t good at this sort of thing. “You….still got a crush on me now, produce boy?”   Jimin’s mouth puckers together like he’s thinking about it and he quirks his head to the side, inhaling a sharp breath, appearing all too mischievous when he whispers— “It’s a secret.”   You turn fully towards him, blinking hard in disbelief. “What’s that supposed to mean?”   He shrugs. “It means exactly what it means.” Park Jimin leans closer to you, murmuring underneath his breath, “It’s a secret.”   It’s strange. You’re outside in the middle of a snowfall. The wind chill isn’t absent tonight. You should be freezing your ass off.   Yet, your entire body feels like a furnace and your face is on fire. You’re sure someone could roast marshmallows off of your skin at the moment, and all you can do in the presence of this wolf in sheep’s clothing is divert your eyes. “Unbelievable.”   And he even has the audacity to giggle at your mutter and glare. Part of you feels ripped off. This isn’t what you bargained for. He’s not a timid produce boy at all. The guy knows exactly what he’s doing, using his charms so you’re dancing right in the palm of your hand.   The sad part is that you don’t even mind.   “Well, I have a confession to make too.”   “What?”   “My toes are going to fall off,” you deadpan with an impassive expression. “Can we go inside now?”   Jimin laughs, complying without missing a beat and pulling you up onto your feet. You don’t miss the way he holds your hand the entire way back and you don’t mind in the least bit either.

my keto experience

Intro/TL:DR

As a preface I can report that I lost 17lbs in 30 days while strictly adhering to a keto diet.  I'm a 34 year old canadian woman who works from home as an artist and a huge helping factor for me was the freedom to stay home on the bad days and the ability to purchase fresh meats and vegetables on a weekly basis. This is a really tough diet but if you put the right pieces in place, it might work for you too.  Additionally, I am NOT a dietitian/nutritionist in any way, shape, or form.  Everything posted here is from my own experience and a modicum of research on the net.  Please double-check my facts before you begin this diet for yourself.

Is keto for you?

The first and hardest question to ask yourself about a ketosis diet is, Can I Endure this? And you should not feel any guilt if the answer to that question is no, because this is a very invasive and aggressive diet that will cause you physical pain even if just for a brief amount of time. Similar to vegetarianism, or is extreme cousin, veganism, a keto diet involves cutting out large swaths of the food pyramid to facilitate this diet. This does not mean going hungry, the foods that are removed will be replaced with other foods, only without any (or minimal) artificial or natural sugars. Sugar is just a chemical, which doesn't sound like a huge sacrifice, right? Most adults don't bother adding sugar to anything other than tea or coffee, but sugar is much more deeply rooted in our lives than you may realize.

Carbohydrates can be found in virtually every type of ready-to-serve foods: breads, wraps, pastas, fried snacks, hors d'oeuvre (these are examples of things I ate before this diet). All of these delicious and very satisfying foods have a fiber content and sugar content. You're still allowed to consume these, and I encourage you do so, but make sure to monitor the grams of total carbohydrates you consume that day. During this diet you will only be allowed to consume 20 grams (to 50 grams, depending on your body and personal needs) a day. remember this. Those 20 grams of carbs maybe the difference between you having a normal day and one of the worst days of your life.

Before I chose to begin a keto diet, I had been exercising casually (as before I was sedentary, more details on this later) and consuming about half as many carbohydrates as I had normally done in my life before. During the two years I was living this way, I was able to lose approximately 20lbs (from about 230 to 210).  If you're starting your diet or lifestyle change from scratch, maybe try starting here first.  Its significantly slower (10lbs in nearly a year), but it will not cause any pain or significant inconvenience.

What’s the big deal?/What to eat?

Sugar is a chemical, and more than that, its a drug that your body has been dependent on since you were a wee baby in your mama’s belly.  Sugar makes your brain work and when you mess with your brain’s intake of the all-important-life-sauce it goes into panic mode. In the first 2-3 days (up to 6 if your me!) you will literally, physically go into a state of depression.  Many had described it to me as ‘keto flu’ but as a survivor of 2009s Swine flu, I can most assuredly tell you that keto is much, MUCH worse.

First, my appetite became very finicky (and i'm already a very picky eater).  I had no desire to eat the genuinely tasty keto meals that my boyfriend had lovingly prepared.  I didn't want to draw, and I wasn't even in the mood to play easy video games.  All I felt like doing was crying or sleeping (which I did, for 9 hours in the middle of my 3rd day).  This is why, whenever I speak to someone who’s even moderately interested in this diet to BOOK TIME OFF YOUR JOB!!! It’s inconceivable to me to be forced to face other human beings in this state of physical distress.  You need to pamper yourself while in this state in order to endure it and ensure your success.

There was one more bump in the road around the one-week point but i'm fairly certain it came down to a combination of dehydration and moodiness (period) so perhaps that was an outlier.  Either way, water is the key when you start feeling shitty.  Get yourself a nice BPA-free water bottle that you're comfortable carrying around and keeping full of fresh water.  Once your body is in ketosis (you can check using those little paper sticks you pee on from the drug store, wash your hands!) you will get tired and moody the very instant you become hungry at mealtimes.  Sometimes you don't even feel the familiar hunger pangs from your previous diet and mistake it for just a general bad mood. Always have a sip of water, babes; that’s your brain telling you to hydrate.

Alternatively, after eating a keto meal you still may feel hungry or unsatisfied, even sad (longing for your favourite dessert).  This is where those 20g of carbs come in pretty clutch.  Finding your perfect portion of reward may be impossibly difficult, I can only tell you what made me feel better when I got the cravings.  Blueberries are quite sweet, they have a lot of natural sugar, but a handful of them sufficed as an incredibly sweet treat (some keto dieters have proclaimed that ‘regular things taste much sweeter than before’, I didn't experience this). Minigo/iogo yoghurt cups are fatty and sweet and work as a decent replacement to ice cream (count the carbs!).  On extra tough mornings (in addition to bacon and eggs! Totally keto!) we would split a cavendish oven-fried hashbrown (about 15g; 7.5g split between my partner and I).

There are a surprising amount of natural foods that are not keto, but in careful proportions, can be incorporated into a daily keto diet.  Most every fruit (that I checked) is very sugary but can make for a nice dessert.  Certain vegetables like carrots or potato have too many carbs to be anything more than a boost when you feel shitty. Red onions have a very small amount of carbs (sugar and fibre work together to your benefit!) and server to replace pasta as a side to a nice steak dinner.

On that note, you need fibre to make your BMs move.  Cutting carbs from your life means your number 2’s go bunny mode…. Take a sugar-free metamucil on any day where you have more meat during a meal than other types of food, or the toilet will be a nightmare.

Meals:

Cutting away pastas, breads, and other sides seems like an insane task but with some discipline and creativity, it's quite manageable.  Breakfast didn't change much: eggs any way (sunny side for me, cheddar omelette for my BF) with bacon or sausage. Lunch was some combination of chicken breast and various salads (so many salad dressings are low or no carb! Read the back!). On steak night, we replace noodles with sauteed red onions fried and seasoning.  Snacktime was usually pre-sliced cheddar cheese (go NUTS that shit is A-OK!), unsalted peanuts (other nuts have marginally more carbs, almonds and sunflower are moderate, check what works for you), or small amounts of beef jerky.  Accompany those snacks with a big drink of water, or if you've had enough of that, certain drinks are acceptable like tea or coffee (with sweetner and high fat milk, skim milk is too sugary), diet sodas, sugarfree drink mix (migo, nestea).  Just remember water, water, water.

Is it worth it? Pros/Cons

Cons:

-HURTS LIEK DRUG WITHDRAWL (you're literally coming down from the lifelong chemical addiction of sugar.  It hurts like Trainspotting)

-MEAT (you will be consuming a lot of animal product)

-POOP (even when you have your metamucil, the toilet can take some time)

-SWEETS (the cravings for your favourite yumyums will almost never stop, it takes monk-like discipline)

-BORING (you can't go out and enjoy meals/drinks with friends and family without them or the restaurant making odd or even crappy exceptions.  Keto menu options are slowly becoming popular though)

-TIRED (the first week or two will be very tedious and you won’t have any energy, even your favourite hobbies may seen unfulfilling for a time)

-ALCOHOL (basically none, unless you like vodka and sugarfree mix, you'll get drunk a lot quicker and end up feeling shittier without carbs in your body to process the liquor)

Pros:

-INSTANT RESULTS (in my first week i lost nearly 10lbs, and then two for every subsequent week. note that, just like any diet, there will be bounce-back)

-APPETITE LOSS (once you get into the swing of this, after the 2 week mark, you’ll find you no longer are pained when your hungry and the bigger cravings subside)

-BUDGET (this is a bit of an odd one and may not necessarily reflect your cost benefits.  Before engaging in this diet, my BF and I discovered we were spending too much money on restaurants and leaving the food in the fridge to waste.  This was primarily because we were too lazy to cook.  Getting off our asses and cooking 6 days of the week made an immediate impact on this for us.  If you already do that, this won't apply.  Concurrently, we spent more money at the grocery store ensuring we always had fresh meat and vegetables; this did net us positive)

-REWARDING MEALS (having to stop and think about what it takes to make a tasty and satisfying meal has forced us to look at things in a different way.  Making yourself and your partner a healthy, supremely tasty meal gets those endorphins peaking)

-EXERCISE (Unnecessary! Your choice! Just note that building muscle increases your weight as muscle weights more than fat)

My fave meals:

-Coffee (reluctantly replacing 1tsp of sugar with a fairy-dust sprinkling of sweetner cos i HATE sweetner, its 20-30x stronger than sugar so you only need 1/20th as much)

-Eggs and bacon!!! (sausage sometimes too)

-Garlic grilled chicken with spinach salad (onions, sliced almonds, feta, dressing)

-Steak and red onions (meat rare and onions grilled with seasoning)

-Spicy ground pork tacos (replace the taco/burrito with large boston lettuce leaves, shredded cheddar, green onions, diced tomato, dab of ranch sauce)

-Baked chicken breast stuffed with ricotta and spinach, topped with parmesan

-Slow-cooked pulled pork slathered with sharp cheddar (just eat with a fork!)

-Baked shrimp with garlic butter and parmesan

-Jalapenos stuffed with ricotta, cream cheese and cheddar, then wrapped in a strip of bacon (great late-night snack)

-Even changing the texture of a cheese can change the taste of the meal.  Shredded cheddar adds a salty bite to a lettuce wrap, grated parmesan can trick a baked chicken breast into thinking its breaded.  creamy cheeses can replace other baking sauces entirely.

-Diet pops (make sure its 0 sugar!), and tea/coffees with sweetner are fine, they do contain a lot of sodium though, make sure to drink 1-for-1 with water (meaning: every diet coke or tea you have, accompany it with the same amount of plain water so your body can process it and pee it out).

Variations/Control:

Vitamins: It should be noted that I take a daily multivitamin (C3+D) as I generally don't get enough sun or fruits.  I highly recommend you take these just in general. They help keep skin soft and blemish free (I initially began taking these because of acne on upper arms and it cleared within days).

Activity: As briefly mentioned earlier, I began shifting from sedentary (not moving much, sitting for hours a day) to a more active lifestyle about 2-3 years ago. This entailed a personal regimen of making an attempt at physical activity approximately half the days of the month (period week was generally excluded).  Every other day I would attempt one of the following: walking at least 2km, 15-20m of floor exercises (‘lady push-ups’, sit-ups), 15-20m of time on the indoor bike, or an hour of house related chores (lifting, laundry, cleaning, anything that involves getting sweaty).  In addition to these, yoga is peppered into my lifestyle as frequently as possibly, particularly in the morning before breakfast. On days where i'm unable to exercise, I at least attempt the basic yoga poses to stave off my (no-longer chronic) back pain.

#personal

The mood indoors lately is a lot more calming than it was maybe a year ago.  A lot of that has to do with me growing through all of this.  I’ve been left to myself for the most part which I think is for the best.  I haven’t really had anyone to brag about the positives to other than writing here.  I’ve been working on setting up the apartment to be a little more energy efficient.  This sometimes has adverse reactions like when I fuck up and shut off processor game boost on my computer and try to do a stream.  I’m pretty sure the BIOS reset itself.  If there’s one thing I’ve become more conscious of the last year it’s how much I use of everything.  Last summer I dived head into a catastrophic situation by ruthlessly creating normality for myself.  I made a monthly budget.  I kept myself cash forward and away from credit.  I analyzed what I spent and why.  I navigated an unprecedented situation almost effortlessly according to some people.  But I can assure you with great confidence a lot of people in real life weren’t actually there.  Which is why I’m extremely skeptical when people from your past magically show up at your doorstep.  Whatever the reason.  However believable or wishful thinking it is in these times that we can just pick up where we left off.  I have the unfortunate habit of keeping tabs on everything.  It’s what got me through a year of total uncertainty.  And one thing for me is certain.  Serendipity and synchronicity may exist in my life still.  But for the most part I’ve seen the same old tricks evolve slowly over time.  Last Saturday I went out to check the mail.  Coincidence or not, someone I knew from years ago was fixing my neighbor’s bike.  Within the first seconds of saying hi, the person was already hurling stuff at me that they shouldn’t have known about.  How I lost my job at the school he attended a year ago.  A job he kept mentioning I applied for at a video game company where his friend works last November.  How he’s been buddy buddy with the neighbor who just moved in.  How serendipitous for this all to happen in America after a year of what I’ve been through?  It’s been more than a year if you want my post mortem on a dead issue.  I projected as best as I could.  That I had applied for the company but was focusing on other opportunities outside the city.  I had an envelope in my hand the entire time I had been waiting for.  Information about my health insurance from my old employer.  I went in and set it on the table and remembered a book on the shelf I had on loan from the very same person out front.  I grabbed it instinctively as if to settle all debt and contact.  Went back out front and returned it to him with out much commentary.  The next day I blocked that person following me on twitch.  Insane I know.  I only have two or three followers.  Most bots.  It’s like I’m shooting myself in the foot in the face of opportunity.  I also reported it.  Which makes me the asshole for shutting people out of my life who were never invited back into it in the first place.  I know how all this works by now and I will be gaslighted into the stage of history.  I think our confidence gets tricked often when we refuse to accept a sinking status quo.  We’re made to feel guilty through isolation.  Why am I so mean?  I brought this all on myself.  The last year.  I reached out to an entire network of those people I worked with and serviced on LinkedIn a year ago.  That network of people fell silent apparently scared to go on record talking to me on a digitally monitored platform.  Why now?  The shitty irony of the situation was the mail in my hand.  I opened the envelope after I returned the book I never read.  Something about ayahuasca and a cosmic serpent.  The envelope was more revealing.  My health insurance was officially covered for the next three months due to a subsidy.  There were also three months from April to June I had been paying where I owed nothing.  So it’s pretty much covered through the end of the year.  That is if I don’t find a job immediately like the video game company everybody from the past I keep holding at bay just happens to be friends with.  The same token I post an article about led wireless light security on a professional website and people from Shenzhen I don't even know visit my profile.  Which do I really want to connect to at this point?  The past or the future.  

That past largely has gotten it all wrong.  If it got it right I would not be sitting here bathed in crimson light at my kitchen table listening to 0pn at six thirty in the morning.  It wouldn’t show up to my doorstep unannounced leaving me to question the motives after a year of exile.  I get that it is the summer.  This city can be a blessing or a curse.  It’s an easy city to disappear in.  Affordable at times but often extremely bitter towards people who go their own way.  It judges everything around it based on a meat and potatoes Midwestern mentality.  Sophistication and creativity is stifled unless it’s part of a broader narrative that the city and the rich people who own it can leverage.  There really isn’t a place for you unless someone has their say and can roast you.  The negging is tribal and it punishes people who don’t offer up their entire life story for public record.  When you do offer up your side of events, it’s buried.  Like a zombie I rise from the grave to remind people weekly that I have no power in changing any of this.  I’m stuck in between the worst of everything and the best right around the corner.  I’ve been around the world and yet nobody wants to hear about it unless they can explain it for you.  People take words out of your mouth and insert themselves back into your life without any thought.  It’s like the city, state and communal shit pile of neighbors and acquaintances owns your future.  If you try to do it alone, they’ll let you know.  Societal pressure is on all sides.  If they can’t corral you in with politics, they’ll isolate you until you break down and plead for help.  A year later, the only real help I focus on is monetary.  I shudder to think staying another year here alone and yet it seems completely hopeless and futile to hope for anything else.  A large reason I want to put the past behind me is how utterly fucking irresponsible and worthless it is.  People think they know who you are because they spoke to you when you were drunk.  And since you don’t drink or get invited to anything social, people feel the need to engineer entrapment on your doorstep when you are beholden to the importance of the mail.  It’s not like my mail ever comes on time.  I’m looking at the fourth package in a few month that needs to be redelivered because it never made it to my doorstep.  I have not just given up on things getting better here.  I have taken evasive action and shut down pretty much everyone and everything that savored the opportunity to ghost me.  There is no excuse.  Not even a pandemic.  No real alibi to leave someone to rot after twenty years of service.  They forgot.  I don’t forget.  I’m constantly reminded that I’m lucky to even have a resume that points to how overqualified I am for everything.  Apparently getting a job isn’t about skill or experience.  It’s about who you know.  And I’m supposed to throw my arms open to the universe and thank the heavens that some pseudo commie spy has an in for me at the video game company for less than I’m worth.  That’s the real story.  I’m worth more than that.  You don’t just spend a year ignoring me and suddenly create a situation where my confidence is pressured into letting these people back in.  That is the very definition of entrapment to me.  So much so that it hurts to think about how close to home I feel unsafe.  I literally walk out my door and I cannot avoid people trying to crowbar their way back into my good graces.  That’s not normal.  None of this has been normal.  And so I react the way I do.  I block people.  I say no.  I isolate what’s working and what isn’t.  And it sucks.  The feelings of guilt that were orchestrated for the very purpose of sowing doubt in yourself and your decisions.  Men mostly trying to assert their authority and their freedom to dictate and pick apart your life.  It’s fucking foul what happened on Saturday.  And the foulest part of it is that I would be gaslighted for even questioning the timing.

So I don’t.  That’s the biggest trap of all this.  Me reacting.  Me getting even outside of writing.  I don’t really want to connect to my past at all.  I know how much baggage it is.  I know how much of my life got thrown away because I didn’t turn out as weak as people thought I’d be.  I know that moving forward is painful because letting go is hard.  And yet I don’t really have much information that would lead me to trust the people who have been absent from my life.  It’s bullshit.  And it’s harder still to realize that I have to feel awkward because I feel unsafe.  I’m the one who has had to tiptoe around all of this.  I do it well.  Obviously there’s things in my life that are welcome.  Things that inspire me without being overbearing.  Friends that keep in touch without any sinister connections or agendas.  People who keep tabs on me without acting like the secret police.  It’s such a tumultuous and unprecedented time!  Let’s celebrate it by reconnecting to the same old bullshit.  Let’s all make the same fucking mistakes.  Let’s pretend it never happened.  I’m fine with that.  Just leave me alone.  There is nothing worth reconnecting at this point that isn’t already strapped in for the ride.  There is nothing really for me to become other than gainfully employed in a job that I like.  At current that is working for myself.  I wish it were more lucrative and sustainable.  But folding back into the fray after being left alone for so long is a dead end.  I’ve pushed myself further than I ever would have in the past.  I’ve become another person entirely.  I know when I’m off putting.  I know when I have no reason to smile it away.  And I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with this much vitriol for a city that just wants to pretend it’s my own problem.  You get burnt by these slime for years and people don’t want to believe it’s true.  It couldn’t happen here.  It couldn’t be that bad.  That guy is just blowing it all out of proportion.  Forget the fact he’s travelled half the world alone.  Forget all the things we ignore that he’s done while we weren’t watching.  We know him best.  We’ve watched him his entire life.  If that were really true, what has anyone really learned?  I’m in pain?  Yes.  I hurt so deeply from all of this that I’d rather just forget it and move on.  But there is nowhere to go.  Everyone has their say or I stay invisible.  And what is there to offer?  In this city apparently nothing.  I can’t find a job unless I go get drunk with the bros at the bar or the noise show?  I’m supposed to take a pay cut when I already worked for a non profit.  If you ask me I want none of this.  I want better things for myself.  And I’m not going to sell myself short because I’m scared it will pass me by.  Look at the last year.  How much shit just pretended I was dead to the world?  That was apparently my fault.  Every time I’m faced with that accusation by the peanut gallery on the street causes me emotional pain.  The real truth is that it was never worth my time.  And I learned that a long time ago.  A year ago to be exact.  I was meant for better things.  And unfortunately the way things are, you have to take charge.  Of your life and your destiny.  Sometimes you have to say no.  Sometimes saying nothing at all is the biggest fuck you.  I know how it feels.  Nobody said anything substantial to me for about a year now.  Maybe that’s why a simple like in my dash means far more to me than a fake setup and an offer I can’t refuse.  This isn’t The Godfather.  This is the departed.  And I’m already far removed from what this city thought it could trick me back into.  That’s the baggage that doesn’t deserve to be brought into the future.  So don’t worry about me holding up the flight.  All I have is my carry on and a clean slate.  We can fly anywhere.  If I stay around here alone they’re going to clip my wings for good eventually.   It’ll be made to look like an accident.  Just like the entire last year.  And they’ll keep doing it because nobody calls them out for being wrong.  <3 Tim