I love this song so much!! It's a really nice tribute to Syd and Rick's own feelings towards him and the loss of him are much more obvious here than they are in the Wish You Were Here album, which was also about Syd, but rather from Roger's perspective – the emotions in this song are just so pure. I also like how the flute kinda reminds of The Piper At The Gates Of Dawn (idk if that was intentional, but it does sound like that to me). Well, the whole album is beautiful and worth listening to.

Songs I listen to when writing specific characters, Part 1/x

Dirty Harry by Gorillaz for Reem Malak: This isn't the kind of music she makes, and I know it's an anti-war song, so there's really no parallels to be drawn from the content. But somehow, this is just her vibe. I see her grinning when I listen to this.

The Sensual World by Kate Bush for Anita Merrick: Peak dreaminess with this one. I listen to this when I think up flirtycrush!MC or shycrush!MC scenarios with Anita. It's such a tender, tentative song. It'd totally reflect Anita's approach to attraction/romance.

Let's Dance by David Bowie for Basil Laurier: This is the song Basil listens to if the MC chooses to ride in his van at the start of Chapter 3. The MC can choose to sing along to it with him (if that sounds any good will depend on whether the MC has a musician background hehe).

Words by F. R. David for Flo Malak: Gives me soft feelings about a romanced Flo, also in a platonic way for Reem bc he loves his sister infinitely. Towards a romanced MC, this would reflect his "confession" pretty well. Honest, raw, very very vulnerable.

These are just random songs (four out of hundreds) that I listen to as backdrop while writing or as inspiration. I might make more posts like this, if y'all are into it. And yes, there are also more modern ones!! I realize all of these are kinda dated. But that doesn't make them less awesome imo

BEAUTY+ Magazine May 2021 issue featuring JAY B: The Second Act

Translated by defdaily

Among the past, present, and future, which do you think about the most?

The present. I believe that the present is the most important. The future makes you worry constantly, and the past makes you regret constantly so I try not to think about them. Now, I try to make decisions I won’t regret.

Do you think about your current state and things you want to do?

I contemplate a lot about the state of my emotions or what to do in my current situation. Ever since I was young I thought it’d be good to live like the flowing water, tranquilly. You know how water changes its state based on its surroundings. I want to be someone in the free water-like flow.

Has your life until now been like free-flowing water?

My life itself may seem spectacular, but I think the flow of my life itself has been. There was a lot I was lacking in since debuting with GOT7 but I tried my best to show a colour suitable for GOT7. I changed myself according to the container I was in, and instead of being stagnant in one place, I think I flowed here well.

You seem to be careful with choosing an agency. What factors are you contemplating about?

I think about whether I will suit the company. It might be tiring for others to see because I’m so meticulous, and I may seem selfish but I think that I should be selfish right now. My future depends on it as well as the future of the company I will be going to. I think I will have to be selfish for both sides to produce good results.

The members showed their natural sides in the Encore music video. Looking back to 7 years of GOT7’s activities, what is the most memorable moment?

Since we’re performing artists, I remember a lot of moments on stage. 2-3 years ago in Thailand we performed our solo tracks for 7 days and then performed OUT all together as a group. I think a lot about how we were all so excited to perform. I think of those times we were together as seven.

What kind of team was GOT7? Judging as a leader?

The direction of GOT7 I thought of was a fun and free-spirited team. Since Look came out, I’ve been telling the company that we “shouldn’t try too hard to set the mood or look cool. Songs with a style like Look will be our strength.” I don’t think things turned out the way I thought they would. But as you can see from our last album’s song ‘Breath,’ it feels like we went in circles and came back to our original spot. There is some regret about how it would've been good to go more in that direction, then we could’ve shown a more solidified colour. But as a result, it’s a fact that we became a team capable of pulling off various colors.

Did you make those suggestions thinking about the members, because you thought it was what set you guys apart from other groups?

I talked a lot with my members. It seemed like they had the most fun with bright, fun, and chill performances. With performances like that, we think about harmony rather than how each of us can look cool. It leaves a greater impression on the fans when we are visibly having fun.

It seems like the public has also watched over the growth of JAY B. Starting as a bboy to a main vocalist, and writing many remarkable K-pop songs. You also played a huge role in establishing GOT7’s colour. What led you to grow and develop in that way?

I thought that if I felt like I wasn’t growing, then I should quit music.

Does liking it not serve as a reason?

Because it’s my job. Being able to do what you like as a job is something to be grateful for. But if my skills don’t meet the standards and if there is no growth despite my efforts, it’s only right to do it as a hobby. I didn’t think that there was no growth when listening to my music. I thought it could work if I tried a bit more.

What was a song you feel like you reached a new level?

‘Teenager’ and ‘PAGE.’ I think the team’s color was completed with those songs. It helped me realize that I had the potential to write such songs. At first, I was persistent with sticking to my musical color. Later, I changed my thoughts and decided I should write songs suitable for GOT7. It’s something I should obviously do as a member of the team. I think that’s where ‘Teenager’ and ‘PAGE’ lined up very well.

The album 7 for 7 containing ‘Teenager’ was a turning point for GOT7. Through that album, we got the feeling that you guys found your color and most importantly, the quality of the songs written by the members was great. What happened during that time?

I think that’s when our potential exploded (laughs). GOT7 had three turning points. The first was ‘Stop Stop It.’ We heard the song and thought “Wow, this is it.” But the outfits were a bit regretful. The music and the visuals didn’t really match. We wore overalls (laughs). The second turning point was when the Flight Log trilogy was released, and the third was ‘Teenager’ of 7 for 7. That song later led to ‘Look’ and we got to sing ‘PAGE’ and ‘THURSDAY.’ Then we suddenly tried to change our direction to ‘ECLIPSE’ and ‘You Calling My Name’ but eventually ended up back to ‘Breath.’

When you listen to ‘Look’ or ‘PAGE’, do you feel like GOT7’s musical colour reflects your own preference and style? And you’ve made many GOT7 songs with ØFFSHORE crew.

It’s hard to say it wasn’t reflected. But according to my standards, they are songs I wanted to write for the team. I talked a lot with the crew about what (kind of song) should GOT7 do and what would suit GOT7. ‘Look’ was a song that was released because the mood suited GOT7 well. After that it was ‘PAGE’ and ‘THURSDAY’. Our colour was included naturally.

The 8 members of ØFFSHORE are consistently releasing albums. How is that taking place?

We talk about what we feel and decide on a theme whenever we want to release an album. When we decide on a theme, each person would write songs relating to the theme, we select songs and release an album. The themes usually come up as we are talking casually about life. For example <Scene 1> contains the process of leaving on a trip until coming back. Rather than the lyrics, the moods of the songs are like that. When you start the trip you listen to fun songs then (we) get a little calmer as the trip comes to an end. I organised the order of the songs for <Scene 2>. When talking with friends, you usually start by talking about work then you talk about life, the future and then you end up talking about love and relationships. I organised it as that kind of story. There is no specific goal. We spend the revenue from albums on production for the next album. Because everyone in the group are people who make music, there are things that were settled music-wise through these promotions.

You must have been influenced by your friends a lot not only musically, right?

Yes, of course. Regarding life too. I listen to what my older brothers/friends and my parents have to say. I think about the stories of the people who experienced it first once again. One older friend said “We are not doing this for a huge goal, don’t get stressed and let’s just make music.” When I was pondering about how to do better, I heard that and it hit me. Should I say, those words painted my life with colour. I felt like working with energy and strength didn't suit me at the time.

Is it true that you have made 3 albums? Do you only work on songs every day?

Yes. I usually stay in the studio when I can't do my hobby. And since the people I meet are friends who do music too. I don’t know if I can release an album but I’m preparing and working on it.

What kind of albums are they?

In the past, I made powerful “performance-type” songs, but for this album the mood is calmer and the sound is minimal. There is an acoustic feel too. There is a soft tender album, a sad album and a melancholic album too.

Where did the desperation come from?

The desperation of life. I can’t talk about it in detail but there was a topic I really wanted to talk about when I made the album. It could become an album that people frown upon. But, for the music I do alone, I thought I should include honest stories that match my situation.

Did you write about the pain and difficulties you’ve felt all this time? On the surface, you seem to be a recognised leader of a successful idol group, but you must have faced difficulties.

Yes. It’s one part of my life too. Looking back, the difficulties were caused by my own tendencies rather than external factors.

Is it because of the perfectionism you push onto yourself? It seems like the uncertainty and fear contributed to creating your current self.

Yes, I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist but people around me often tell me so. They must have a reason for saying that so I ended up acknowledging it myself. I was really ambitious with GOT7 too so I felt a lot of disappointment and stress. I work hard because I know if I don’t, it’ll come back to me as regret. It’s okay to look back to times when I didn’t know well enough and think, “I should’ve done this, I was naive.” What I hate is doing just enough because of reasons like lack of stamina despite knowing what I need to do and knowing that I’m not yet satisfied.

Until now, you’ve made music with the name Def. and through the JUS2 comeback, you also let us hear dreamlike songs from a baritone. Escaping from the category of idol, you now need to create a new identity – is there a kind of music you would like to do fresh?

It’s hard to say it rashly now but, whatever I do, I want to do it properly and solidly. I do prefer a relaxed and easygoing mood, but when it comes to music genres, R&B, hip hop, urban and pop will definitely be the groundwork. However, I do hope that my image will not be fixed to one (genre). It’s no fun to keep doing the same kind of music. And I’m sure there are times when I’ll have to become a little wilder. It’d be great if (I had) a free image. I also hope it’s an image that I won’t be embarrassed of. After coming to a new company and releasing an album, if it doesn’t do well, I think it would be right for me to leave.

Aren’t you fearing failure too much? How would it be possible to achieve what you wish in one go?

Of course, I’m scared. I’m very afraid of failure. Naturally, it won’t be possible to succeed in one shot, but I do have the standard of my Maginot line*. That is what I am referring to. I am usually the type that thinks of the negative things first. It’s not good to be unprepared for the worst-case scenario.

*Maginot line – taken from the fortifications that created the French line of defence, now coming to mean “a defensive barrier or strategy that inspires a false sense of security”

You’ve said that GOT7 has not disbanded, however since all the members are under new companies, coming back together as GOT7 will not be an easy thing to achieve. What kind of method are you thinking of?

I’ve talked a lot with the members. It’s our goal to write one song each month for GOT7. If it’s 1 year, then that’s 12 songs. All our members write songs, so if each one of us does that, then we can accumulate a lot of songs. Everyone is in different companies which will have their own situations, so I can’t make promises for certain, but our goal is to release one album every year. It would be great for that to happen, and I personally think that it should happen. Because that is the minimum courtesy we should show to our fans. It would be even better if we could have a stage.

It would be a new concept.

We heard that the release of our song ‘Encore’ was in an unprecedented manner, and this made my sense of duty and responsibility bigger. Because the steps we take in the future could influence the direction that others may take in the future too. I thought it was the end, but it’s only just the beginning,

Amongst your many hobbies, is there anything you would like to recommend?

Camping. Activities such as setting up tents and cooking really make you think. Even just sitting down in a chair surrounded by nature is really great. Waking up to the sounds of birds singing is amazing; the sound of water running too. Recently, I bought a folding furnace and create my own little fire space. It could be seen as something embarrassing but while having the fire there, if negative thoughts come up, I write it down and then burn it in the fire. If you think that camping may be tiring, glamping would be good too.

Since the name of the magazine is Beauty+, I wanted to ask, is there something that you thought was beautiful recently?

People passed by me laughing and making some noise, and as I saw that, I thought that laughter was something really beautiful. I realised why smiling and laughing is a beautiful thing. It’s not just laughing or smiling, but the emotions that encompass that are really so beautiful. Everything natural is beautiful.

Translated by defdaily.

Manic Review - From “Least-Best” to Best

Halsey released her third studio album on 1/17/2020, and it is easily her best. I’ve wanted to talk about it, but first, I need to figure out how I feel about each track in relation to the others. So this is mostly for me, but I’d love to hear how other people are feeling too!

I love all of these songs, I feel so blessed with this album, which is why this goes from “least-best” to “best”, not “worst.” 

(I know that’s kind of splitting semantic hairs, but I refuse to disrespect this album, lmao.)

So, without further ado, here are my favorite songs on Manic, starting with the one I like the least:

16 - “Alanis’s Interlude”

This is THE bisexual anthem we’ve all been waiting for from Halsey. It’s cool, sexy, and features some stellar vocals from both Alanis and Halsey. It ranks so low for me only because I’m not a huge fan of the chorus, the machine drums, or the melody, despite loving the message. But the verses are fire, and so are the vocals.

15 - “Still Learning”

I think this track will be a slow-grower for me, the way “Devil in Me” was. Maybe it’s just because it comes on the heels of the deeply, deeply impactful “More” - but I found this didn’t strike the chord I thought it would. It’s a beautiful song, though, and very meaningful to Halsey’s personal journey. I think seeing it live might change my mind about it.

14 - “Finally // beautiful stranger” 

This might be the sweetest side of Halsey that we’ve ever seen, especially when it comes to romantic love. The fact that it was inspired by Yungblud makes my heart ache a bit. I really love the duality of the different versions of Ashley in the video. That being said, the genre/style of song isn’t my personal favorite. Her vocals are amazing, though, and some of the lyrics are really poetic. I know this will be an especially tender one live, in front of a Halsey crowd. I can just picture everyone swaying and singing along.

13 - “SUGA’s Interlude” 

This interlude is such a soft, sad moment on the album, and it fits really well before “More.” SUGA’s Interlude is all about the way fame has changed both artists, and about how they’ll know when it’s time to step away from the spotlight - and how that might change them. SUGA has excellent flow, and Halsey’s delicate, pining vocals on the chorus is a perfect complement to his introspective rapping. It’s a really sweet song, and part of why it works so well on the album is because it creates such a heartfelt prelude to “More”. The song all about leaving fame behind, followed by the song about loving her unborn child, and how she badly wants to be a mother...gives me chills, man, literal chills. I think I’d like it more if I spoke Korean, but honestly, Korean Halsey fans deserve somethin’ special, so I’m okay with it.

12 - “You should be sad”

I still don’t know if I quite “buy” Y’allsey, but I can’t deny that this is a really fun song. Singing along to the lyrics is so satisfying, and the music video provided us with some serious Looks. The guitar riff between the chorus and the verses makes me feel things, and so does the line: “I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you,” especially after hearing “More”. I like this song a lot, but compared to the rest of the album, it’s not in my top ten. I think it’ll be a really, really fun one live, though.

11 - “Without Me”

This song and I share a birthday! It’s also where Manic really began, although we had no idea that was the case, at the time. This was the first time Halsey wrote from such a specific and personal place, knowing we would all immediately recognize who the song targeted and why. She’s used this song brilliantly since then, coming up with a dozen different interpretations and set pieces, performing it while chained to a post, while revealing the messages of her cheating ex, while dancing with a beautiful girl, and even more. (It helps a lot that she performed this song with Jade Chynoweth, one of my all-time favorite dancers, and responded to the backlash of that performance by doing it again, but even gayer, just a few weeks later.) We owe a lot to this song. And, as it turns out, it really fits in with the story of Manic, and with the tone, from both a sonic and thematic perspective. I’m still a little tired of it, though, which is why it ranks so low. But - credit where it’s due!

10 - “Dominic’s Interlude” 

This one surprised me, although I went in with zero expectations, not knowing who Dominic Fike was. I wish Halsey was actually in this song, but other than that, I think it’s a great interlude. Not to mention: “If you’re looking for signs then you should know, there’s power in the words that you’re thinking.” That’s an incredible line, hit me hard. 

9 - “Ashley”

I both love and hate what this song means, because it scares the crap out of me. The way she described it as “a cautious goodbye” in an interview... It’s absolutely a letter to her fans, about Halsey, about who Halsey is, and who Ashley is, and how that balancing act both breaks her and makes her thrive. She can’t keep doing this forever. She knows how much she means to us, and this song is all about how heavy and scary that burden is, but that she’s committed to it, for now. Ending with that line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was perfect. We’re the ones who shouldn’t assign her our peace of mind, y’know? Her vocals are stunning, though, and I think it’s the strongest opener from any of her albums. This song reminds me of a much less depressing version of “Batter Up” by Brand New, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it influenced her a bit.

8 - “Graveyard”

This song really feels like the older sister of “Without Me”. I love the racing speed of the melody and the rhythm, the way everything is layered so manically and frantically over the verses. It’s actually really easy to get lost in the musicality of this one, even though the lyrics are incredible. I think the music video is my all-time favorite of Halsey’s, because I love all the symbolism in it, and it was really trippy to see her without tattoos. I’ll consider this one a bop for a long, long time.

7 - “clementine” 

We’ve had this song for a little while, and it’s been one of my favorites. I was pretty sure it was going to stay that way, even after the album came out, but Halsey surprised me. That being said, I still love the way this song manages to be both playful and petulant, spirited and sad. It has some really beautiful images, and the music video is so pretty. 

6 - “I HATE EVERYBODY” 

We love a song full of contradictions! This song takes the humor/self-deprecation that started in “Clementine” and “Forever... (is a long time)” and turns it anthemic. The transition from “Dominic’s Interlude” to this song is so perfect, it’s hard not to listen to them one after the other. Halsey once again proves her lyrical prowess and ability to write a relatable bop, which is really what we love her for in the end, right? I love the way the song starts out pretty simply, than swells up into something epic.

5 - “3am”

I love this genre, so much, and I think Halsey completely nails it. This song wouldn’t make anyone bat an eye if you played it in 2007. Most other Halsey songs can’t claim that, and since I’m a sucker for the aughties, this one lives high on my list. It reminds me of P!nk, Avril Lavigne, and Paramore. The lyrics are super relatable, and I love the chorus and the bridge. It’s not the best lyrically, but that bridge honestly makes up for what the rest of the song lacks. Can’t wait to scream that one live! I do wish John Mayer wasn’t rambling on the end, but I also love how that leads into “Without Me”. 

4 - “929″ 

This might sound strange, but I love how this song starts with just Ashley talking; she’s speaking through laughter, challenging her friend playfully. This song feels so real. I love the stream-of-consciousness style of lyrics and the way the melody plays into that. Her voice reminds me so much of early, early Halsey - songs like “Tilt You Back” and “For Ruby”. I can relate so much to some of the things she says, and I love the way it ends. It’s such an interesting contrast to the way her previous albums concluded, too - “Young God” and “Hopeless” are both such epic, sweeping tracks. Ending her most personal album yet with such a tender ode to self-acceptance, and self-discovery, is such a beautiful way to show how much she’s grown, as a person, a songwriter, and a singer. This song makes me nostalgic, proud, happy, just a little sad, and feel so at peace.

3 - “More”

I almost don’t really have words for this song. Knowing Halsey’s story, her very honest and public experiences with infertility and endometriosis, made this song hit me a lot harder than I ever expected. I still can’t quite get through it without crying. It’s an incredibly beautiful song. Painfully, painfully honest, about a topic that’s so rarely openly discussed in pop culture. I don’t even want kids, but the yearning she shows, the hope she still has, the way she says that she’s loved her future child more than anything, and has always loved them; the reference to having already bought baby clothes; the sound of the sonogram machine, and the way it sounds like she’s singing to her baby from outside the womb at the end; it guts me. And again, I don’t want kids. I never expected this kind of honesty or tenderness from her. It’s such a special song, truly. (For the record, I listened to it again to write this and am fully weeping once more.)

2 - “Forever... (is a long time)” 

What a surprise this song was! I think it perfectly captures a certain kind of self-destructive behavior that so many of us end up falling into when it comes to relationships. The way the song goes from happy and plucky to this burgeoning feeling of dread, of spiraling down into those dark thoughts that trip all of us up from time to time. It goes from a love song to a break-up song in a matter of seconds, and the transition is spine-tinglingly perfect. The storm building in the background, starting with thunder and dissipating into rain. The way her voice comes back in with the same melody, but minor instead of major. The way the song sort of disintegrates into chaos, and into the realization: “talk to your man...tell him he’s got bad news comin’.” (This is definitely about the Yungblud breakup, right? Nevermind, my heart can’t take that. Gonna pretend I didn’t just realize that.)

1 - “killing boys” 

Jennifer’s Body is one of my absolute favorite movies, unironically. I love that Halsey loves it too, enough to include lines from it in the most badass boss bitch song she’s written since “Nightmare”. Her vocals are incredible (those high notes!) - the lyrics are the perfect blend of regretful and rageful - the beat, melodies, and overall composition just fills me up with this impossibly strong sense of “fuck yeah, fuck you.” I don’t have the words to describe how this song makes me feel. I had high hopes, based on the title, and it did not disappoint. This song has some of the cleverest lines on the entire record, and it makes me feel a way that no other song does. That’s what seals it at #1, for me (for now.)

Feel free to reply with yours, or tag me in your own review!! I’m really excited to see some of the more detailed opinions people have, now that the initial “IT’S HERE” hype has started to subside.

stream MANIC by HALSEY today

Hopeless Romance ~ Mary-Beth Gaskill (RDR2)

Requested By: --

A/N: more than fucking 6000 words yall

im dead

never thought ill get to write 6000 words just for one fucking one shot

i thought itll only be until 4000 or 5000 words but NOPE! THE GREMLINS IN MY MIND IS LIKE 6000 BITCHES

but anyway, i love her so much help asdfghjklworijcjjxjdb

─────────────────

Mary-beth let out a fond sigh as she took her eyes off the book she was holding and looked dreamily at the view of the lake. The young woman had finished her chores earlier and Miss Grimshaw finally let her off the hook and Mary-beth immediately took her chance to read a book she had been reading for awhile now. The young woman sat comfortably on the grassy ground as her eyes looked at the blue waters of the lake. It was a breathtaking view, Mary-beth had to say. The waters seemed to have some sparkling glow as the rays of the sun hit it just perfectly. The calm breeze passing by and making the leaves of the trees dance with it.

Mary-beth closed her eyes and deeply inhaled the scent of the fresh open air of the land, then sighing in content. A soft cheerful hum leaving her lips as she softly smiled. This was a nice day. It was not sunny-- rather that it was a bit cloudy which seemed to be a perfect weather to spend near the lake that was close to the camp and read her book. The calmness of the area was rather enjoyable. There were no loud noises, not like in the camp. As much as Mary-beth loved everyone in the gang, finding them as a family and such, the young woman liked to have some peace and quiet now and then.

Mary-beth opened her eyes, the smile still on her lips as she looked back to her book. The printed text on the pages of the book made Mary-beth smile dreamily as she thought of what if she had her own journey like the woman in the story. Now, it was a common knowledge that Mary-beth Gaskill was an absolute hopeless romantic. She loved the thought of those romantic moments she had read and adored when she get to see those romantic endeavors in real life.

The young woman always felt her heart leap when she get to see those romantic gestures and courtship. She can't explain it but Mary-beth just loved those. It was like a light in her own dark world. Something to look forward to despite her life being dangerous. After all, an outlaw life isn't the most well loved one.

The young woman let out a hum as she imagined herself as the woman in the story she was reading. The story was at first boring if Mary-beth had to be honest, but it was because the plot of the story seemed to be close to the same of some of her other books. Yet, it still captivated her. Especially how the love interest of the woman was introduced. The leading man as Mary-beth imagined to be handsome, very handsome with the way the woman in her book described. With how the man's eyes filled with determination and passion and how he acted to the woman in the story with such soft and tenderness despite him being someone of higher status than the woman who was merely a maidservant.

Mary-beth had to be honest, the man in the story reminded her of someone in camp. Someone who was dangerous and rather terrifying at times, yet he was also kind and had that tenderness she sees when he would talk to... her. That someone was named [Name] [Last name].

Mary-beth fancied him if the young woman had to be true to herself. He was a bit rough around the edges as he was an outlaw like herself, but he was more dangerous than her. Mary-beth merely pickpocket and lie. He on the other hand, had killed and slaughtered people. Of course they were either the law that were chasing them or O'Driscolls and other gang but he was still a man who can not be crossed with. But then again, Mary-beth saw more than what other's had missed. The young woman saw how [Name] adored animals, especially his horse who he always looked after and he enjoyed to play a harmonica and would play in occasions if he was requested to.

Mary-beth remembered the time when she first heard him play the harmonica. The moon was shining bright along the twinkling stars in the night sky. The young woman was off to go back to her shared tent with the other ladies since she had to walk away a bit to do her business when she had heard the soft sound of the harmonica as she passed by the campfire where the fire was still burning bright. Looking around, Mary-beth was surprised to see the new member of two months sitting underneath the stars on a stump of a tree. His back turned to her as the sound of the harmonica came from his direction. If Mary-beth remembered correctly, the tune he was playing was a song called "Oh My Darling, Clementine".

[Name] played well. He seemed to know the tune of the song and Mary-beth stood there with a soft smile on her lips as she saw him tap one of his feet on the ground along the tune he played. It was that night that Mary-beth saw the quiet and reserved outlaw express himself through the tune of the harmonica.

As the young woman softly hummed and got lost to her thoughts, Mary-beth failed to hear the sound of something approaching her until it was too late.

Something had grabbed Mary-beth's shoulder from behind. The young woman was surprised with a hint of fear swirled inside her as a loud shriek left her lips. Mary-beth felt the thing taking off whatever was on her shoulder as Mary-beth hastily stood up and turned around to face who had touched her. Her book getting thrown on the ground yet she did not care for she was afraid on who or what had grabbed her. Mary-beth was readying herself to confront who, only to see a very familiar man. Specifically, the man who she had unconsciously thought off.

"M... Mr. [Last name]!" Mary-beth had said in surprise. Her freckled cheek flushed with embarrassment as she saw the outlaw nodded his head at her. "You surprised me," she had said as her hand was placed on her chest, where her heart is as she felt her heart beat fast from the fright she just had. She was surprised, no doubt about it and [Name] noticed it.

"Ma'am," [Name] had said as he tipped his hat to her direction as a sign of politeness and greeting. "Apologies 'bout that but I have been callin your name for awhile now," he had said. Mary-beth felt her cheeks heat up with his words. Has she been in her head that long?

[Name] raised a brow when he saw Mary-beth looked away from him. "Really sorry again," he had apologized again. The outlaw look around and let out a quiet hum. The place he found Mary-beth was pleasant. [Name] look at Mary-beth again and saw something on the ground. Eyebrows furrowed as he realized what it is.

"Ah," [Name] had exhaled as he approached near the young woman and picked up  the book she had unintentionally dropped on the ground when she had gotten scared. Raising to his height as he looked at Mary-beth in the eye.

"Sorry but you seem to dropped this," he said as he offered the book which Mary-beth let out a gasp and hurriedly took it from his hands. [Name] watched amused as he watched the young woman inspected the book closely, making sure it wasn't damage or so from being thrown to the ground. When Mary-beth had made sure the book had no damage whatsoever, she sent the man a look. Silently telling she did not appreciate the scare that cause her book to be thron on the ground.

"You seriously need to stop scaring a lady, Mr. [Last name]," Mary-beth pouted. "I would have not forgiven you if you had damage my book from it," she said. Mary-beth saw the outlaw crack a small smile at her.

"Well, the truly sorry again for the lady," he had said with amusement laced in his voice. His eyes, oh those [Eye color] eyes that Mary-beth swore she could only see in fiction or her silly imaginations were real. [Eye color] eyes that seen so much horror still has that unwavering spark in them that made the young woman's heart throb inside her chest. "But the lady should also have been alert in her surroundings. You never know when an animal will pounce on ya," he had said.

Mary-beth let out a laugh as she playfully slapped the outlaw on his arm. The outlaw send the young woman a small amused look that she happily returned with a large grin on her lips and glee evident in her face. "Oh?" Mary-beth had said. "Like you, Mr. [Last name]?" The young woman had teased as a chuckle left the man's lips as he shakes his head at her. Mary-beth beamed as she took pride on managing to crack up a chuckle from the man.

You see, [Name] [Last name] was still a reserved man. He preferred to be alone at times and the camp respect that with the occasional times of the resident Irish loud mouth Sean Macguire trying to get the outlaw out of his 'shell' as the Irish man had put it. Bothering the man until he gets threatened at most times. And both the Callander brothers who seemed to enjoy [Name]'s overall being, actually trying to get the man to spill more of his past that he seemed to avoid talking about and also just dragging the quiet and reserved man on jobs.

Yes, it had already been almost a year that [Name] had joined and some of the members of the Van Der Linde gang still don't know much of the [Hair color] haired outlaw. He seemed to avoid the subject of before Hosea and Dutch brought him in one day along with Arthur like a plague. The Van Der Linde gang still remembered [Name] looked absolutely skinny and malnourished when the three men had brought him in. Mary-beth remembered him almost falling off of Arthur's horse when they ride inside camp and was quickly carried into a tent to have him lay and rest in a cot as the man seemed to not point what was real and what was not at that moment.

Mary-beth only heard bits of pieces on what Dutch had announcement to them when Miss Grimshaw and Reverend Swanson tried to patch him up with the cuts and bruises littered on his [Skin color] skin as her mind was filled with worry to the poor [Hair color] haired man. Dutch had said that they had found the injured man locked up in a basement on a house they had robbed. It made Mary-beth's heart seek for the poor man who who knows how long he had been stucked in a dimly lit, rotting old basement and probably even was dehydrated and starving for days with how skinny and malnourished he looked when his body was carried pass by her.

"Ah, trust me ma'am," [Name]'s voice cut through Mary-beth's reminiscing of the past as she snapped her head to look at the direction of the man. The young woman's breathe hitched as she saw that rare sly grin the outlaw had sent to her. "I'm more of any dangerous animal here," he had chuckled as he had took off his jacket, leaving him in only the old blue dress shirt that seemed to have its colors fasing from age. The man then had placed his jacket on the grassy ground. The outlaw did not minding the young woman's eyes curiously looked on what he was doing as he then offered one of his hand to Mary-beth. "Ma'am," he had said as he sent the young woman who looked at him curiously with her eyes gleaming at him.

Mary-beth giggled at his words. The young woman clutched her book tight as she felt her heart fasten its beating when she took [Name]'s hand with her own that was not holding her book. The young woman noticed how gentle and tender the man's hold on her hand. It, again, reminded her on the man in the book that was gentle and soft to the woman in her book. The warmness of [Name]'s hand on her's made Mary-beth softly smiled when the man had guided her to sit on his jacket that he discarded and placed on the ground as he then took a sit beside her, not taking a space on the jacket he laid but on the grassy ground to have the young woman more space on the clothing.

"My, what a gentleman you are, Mr. [Last name]," Mary-beth had laughed as she sat comfortably. The young woman sent the man beside her a large grin as he raised a brow at her. "And here I thought you are a dangerous animal," she teased. The young woman's smile widen when she saw the corner of the outlaw's lips twitched upward, a smile threatening to make its way on his lips yet he turned away to avoid looking at her. The young woman still knew he was smiling though as she stared at him.

"Well, Miss Gaskill, I can be civilized at times," he had said as he turn to look at her again. Amusement gleamed in his [Eye color] eyes that the young woman noticed with how there proximity wasn't too far away. Again, those [Eye color] eyes that Mary-beth knew had seen so much pain and agony stoll had that burning spark in them. That burning spark that she find enchanting.

"It seems so," the young woman had softly laughed as she shakes her head while the man had a small smile yet it disappeared when she stopped shaking her head in amusement and looked at him again. Mary-beth saw [Name] let out a sigh as he turned to look at the large lake in front of them. The young woman looked at him for a moment and then following his lead. Again, the lake was still both beautiful and calming with the breeze passing by and disturbing the waters of the lake, creating small waves as the leaves of the trees and some flowers in the land dance along the wind. The sun having to be blocked a bit with the clouds that were passing by to shade the area.

There was a comfortable silence as Mary-beth turned her gaze on her lap where she had placed her book. Opening it again, she went back to the page she had thankfully still bookmarked and continued reading. Her losing to her book again as the outlaw beside her sent a quick look at her to see she was reading. He watched Mary-beth for a second or so as he felt himself crack a smile.

The [Hair color] haired man had to admit, Mary-beth looked beautiful. She always was. Through those first two months he didn't interact much with the other members of the Van Der Linde gang when he joined, he still noticed her. Mary-beth stood out like a sore spot for him. The outlaw saw the young woman beside him to be too pretty and rather too nice to be an outlaw when he had recovered and officially joined. Despite him not really interacting much with her in those few months, he had always noticed how she acted in the camp. Polite and kind. A rather obvious none outlaw attitude.

[Name] hummed as he remembered his first time officially interacting with her and not just say greeting and when passing by in camp. His very first conversation with her was when he had caught the young woman listening to him play with his harmonica that he had asked Arthur few days ago. The outlaw had noticed Mary-beth listening to him play for the past few nights but he did not have the courage to call her out on it. It was that one night that he finally mustered up the courage and looked at the direction of Mary-beth usually listening to him when he had finished playing and had called her out. It was rather awkward at first as the young woman seemed to stutter out a lot amd tried to explain herself when he just cut her off and asked her if she wanted to listen to more.

It was another night. Rest of the camp seemed to be asleep already aside from Bill who was grumbling in his station that was near the entrance if the camp that he was in guard duty that night while the [Hair color] haired outlaw sat at the log near the center campfire of the camp. It was late at night already with the night being dark yet the moon and stars shone brightly down while the embers of the fire from the campfire were the only source of light [Name] had besude the lamps in tents and wagons to aid anyone still awake in the nights. Taking out the harmonica out of his pocket, he let out a sigh as his ears picked up some footsteps behind him but then stopped. The [Hair color] man knew who those footsteps belonged too as he recognized ut was that same footsteps beling to someone in camp that had been listening to him for awhile now. Shaking his head, [Name] let out a sigh as he placed the harmonica on his lips and blew.

That night, the outlaw had choose to play a more somber and saddening tune of the song The Streets of Laredo on his harmonica. Lost in his own world as he played, a few feet away, a certain woman had peeked her head from the tree to see him play.

The young woman that stood a few feet away from him, away to not be easily seen (especially hiding behind a tree) yet not to far away to not hear the man was playing. Mary-beth couldn't help but hum a little bit with the tune the [Hair color] haired man who's back was facing her to be playing with his harmonica. Of course, Mary-beth knew what he was playing. It may have took a few seconds to familiarized herself with the tune but she still recognized the tune of The Streets of Laredo playing.

With quietly humming the underneath her breathe and closing her eyes. The young woman felt calmed. Yes, it was rather creepy on what she was currently doing. Stalking and hiding herself just to hear a man she barely talked to play a harmonica in the dark of night when she could have just asked to sit beside him in the campfire. It honestly made the young woman remember that thing in her book where a young prince was riding by an old castle with a large wall protecting it despite the wall was already old and covered in moss and vines when he had heard a beautiful voice overwall the wall.

Mary-beth remembered the prince in the book, curious who's voice he had heard that was so lovely had dismounted his horse and climb the old wall with the help of the vines that covered it. As he reached the top, he saw a beautiful maiden with hair as black as coal and skin as white as snow with lips as red as he color of rose. He listened to the maiden sang that lovely melody.

Looking at what she was doing now, the young woman bit back a smile to form on her lips as she also felt laughter bubbling up inside her, threatening to come out and blow away herself from her hiding place as she seemed to realized that she was the one doing the prince's role on listening while the beautiful maiden's who was singing role had fallen into the [Hair color] haired man who was playing his harmonica still in that somber yet alluring tune yet it was slowly getting quiet.

"I know you're there," [Name]'s voice cut through the air like a knife as had stopped playing his harmonica. He turned his head behind him and faced the direction on where he fully knew the young woman was hiding. Mary-beth snapping out of her thoughts and realizing she had been caught let out a quiet shriek leaving her lips as she went back to hide behind the tree. Her face flushed with red as she felt her heart beat quite fast in her chest. Trying to take deep breathes to calm herself down, Mary-beth poke her head a bit to see if the [Hair color] haired man was still looking at her direction. Her face flushed more in embarrassment as she saw that he was still looking at her direction.

"Um... g-good evenin!" Mary-beth stammered as she saw the man gave her an unimpressed look. His [Eye colo] eyes held no sort of emotion that she can see but if she was more closer, the young woman would have seen that small spark of amusement in those eyes of his.

"Evenin," [Name] had greeted back with a rause brow as he turned his body fully to face the young woman. "Now, why are you still awake Miss Gaskill?" The man had asked. Mary-beth let out a nervous giggle as she played with her hands behind the tree that she was still partially hiding.

"I... uh... th-this was not-- I was n-not-- uh... erm..." Mary-beth stammered out as she tried to explained herself. The young woman can feel her face already heating up more as she saw the [Hair color] haired man still looking at her. Mary-beth could not explain. She does not want to. This was already embarrassing enough and saying that she was stalking and listening to him play for awhile now? The young woman felt dread as she still embarrassed herself more of thinking uo ways to try and explain herself. "Um... I-I was... Mr. [Last name]! I-I did not mean... erm..."

The [Hair color] haired man seemed to have gotten either fed up or impatient with the young woman's flustered stuttering as he turned himself back to face at the burning fire of the campfire. Mary-beth bit her bottom lip as she saw what the man had done. Was he mad? He didn't had yelled at her for minding her own business nor question her on what she was doing hiding behind a tree. But still, it made the young woman fear what the outlaw think of her now.

Mary-beth stood behind that tree for awhile as she contemplated if she still would try to continue embarrass herself by trying to explain why she was awake in the middle of the night and hiding behind a tree to listen to him play or just go back to the other women that were sleeping in their tent to avoid embarrassing herself more. As the young woman contemplates, [Name] took a quick look behind him again as see that the young woman was still there. With a sigh and a click of his tongue, he decided to invite her to his side.

"Miss Gaskill?" The outlaw had called. Interrupting the young woman degrading herself in her thoughts as Mary-beth snapped her head at his direction and realized that the [Hair color] haired man had called her.

"Y-yes?" Mary-beth had said. Her voice raising an octave from her nervousness. Was he going to shout at her? Be angry at her for being this creepy woman that was stalking him behind a tree in the middle of the night? Does he think she was creepy or weird? What if he--

"Do you want to sit and listen to me play?" Mary-beth but her bottom lip as she had tried to hide her joy from his words. Frantically nodding her head to his question, the young woman saw [Name] raised his hand and gestured at her to come closer. "Well? What are you waitin for?" He had said as he turned his head back to look at the fire. Mary-beth let out a sigh of relief as she realized the [Hair color] haired man was not angry at her. The young woman finally stepped out from her hiding spot as she happily approached the outlaw that was sitting on a log. Taking her place beside him as she was close, the young woman smiled at him when [Name] had look at her way for a minute or so.

"Any request?" Mary-beth had heard the man beside her grunted as she saw him placed the harmonica on his lips, ready to play whatever she would asked. The young woman felt something inside her flutter as she heard his words. Thinking, the young woman smiled as she had finally decided a certain song for him to play.

"Oh my darling, Clementine... if you don't mind," she had said. Mary-beth did not miss the small smile that formed on [Name]'s lips as he heard her request. Nodding at her answer, he started to play the song the young woman had asked for him to play. Now, there was a reason why Mary-beth had asked specifically for "Oh My Darling, Clementine" for [Name] to play. It was the very first song she had heard him play with the harmonica many nights ago.

As [Name] played the tune of the song, oblivious to the young woman's thoughts nor the stare she still had at him, it was peaceful. As the tune of the harmonica [Name] played, after awhile he had heard the young woman beside him quietly hummed until Mary-beth had sang the song as he played on. With the young woman's sweet voice accompanied by the lovely tune of the man's playing of the harmonica, it was that night, the two felt close to each other with a single song.

The [Hair color] haired man snapped out of his thoughts as he felt pressure on his shoulder. The man had tensed for a bit until her calmed down and thought that it was perhaps Mary-beth's doing. Turning his head, [Name] saw the young woman beside him had placed her head on his shoulder. He was right, it was indeed Mary-beth. Looking at thr young woman, [Name] noticed small content smile on her lips as her eyes still on the book in her hands.

"I hope you don't mind, Mr. [Last name]," Mary-beth had softly said as she haf briefly sent a quick look at the man beside her. Mary-beth felt her face heat up a bit as she saw the [Hair color] haired man was looking at her. Looking down on her book, the young woman bit her bottom lip out of nervous as she waited for the man to shrug her head off of his shoulder or say anything to her. Yet nothing. Mary-beth only heard [Name] let out a hum at her words as he still looked at her.

The outlaw noticed a small flush in the young woman's freckled cheeks yet did not comment on her bold actions nor the color flushed on her face. Instead, the [Hair color] haired man let out a sigh as he then placed his head on Mary-beth's. Looking at the lake in front of them, [Name] couldn't help let his lips formed into a small content smile. The two stayed like that for awhile. Silent yet it was a calm and peaceful one. Content they were in that moment.

"Oh," [Name] had said as he sat up right. The young woman beside him was surprised a bit with his actions that she took her head off of his shoulder and turned to look at him. A confused and curious look plastered on Mary-beth's face as she saw the [Hair color] haired man shuffled a bit as he seemed to be patting his upper body down. Seemed to be finding something until [Name] let out a grumbled that Mary-beth had not caught.

"Are you alright?" Mary-beth softly asked as she saw the [Hair color] haired outlaw shoves his hand on the pocket of his trousers and seemed to let out a relieved sigh. [Name] had ignored the young woman's question in favor to take out whatever was inside his pocket which Mary-beth had to be honest, she was quite curious on what got the [Hair color] haired man to be that way.

"I almost forgot this," Mary-beth had heard [Name] gruffly had said as the young woman saw him pull out the thing in his pocket. "I thought you might like it," [Name] had said as he presented the thing to the young woman. A soft gasp left the young woman's lips as her eyes widen at what the [Hair color] haired man had pulled out. On his [Skin color] hand, there was a necklace. A beautiful golden chained necklace with a lovely pendant that was shaped like a heart. The young woman noticed a bright red ruby gemstone in the middle of the golden heart shaped pendant. It was beautiful. The necklace looked absolutely beautiful and Mary-beth felt her heart hammered as she gaped in awe at the jewelry.

"I-I... Mr. [Last name]..." Mary-beth had softly had called out as she tried to look at the man in the eye. The [Hair color] haired man awkwardly cleared his throat as he avoided eye contact at the young woman beside him. Mary-beth bit her bottom lip when she saw his actions. There was a red taint bloomed on her freckled cheeks when she saw how this gruffy, big, and scary outlaw shied away from her eyes.

"Oh, Mr. [Last name]," Mary-beth had softly had said as she placed her book on her lap as she then gently grabbed the outlaw's hands that was holding the jewelry to her. A soft and greatful smile on her lips as she saw her action had gained the man's attention to her. "Y... you shouldn't have..." Mary-beth had said.

"Yeah... well, a lady like you deserve somethin beautiful," the [Hair color] haired outlaw had truthfully stated as his eyes soften with how he saw Mary-beth looked in absolute awe at the necklace. "Turn around," he ordered as the young woman did as told. [Name] moved some of the young woman's brown locks away from her neck, careful not to touch her skin as he did. Mary-beth decided to help the man out, grabbing her hair and raising it a bit away from her neck, the [Hair color] haired outlaw took that chance to  carefully slip the necklace onto Mary-beth's neck.

"I... it's beautiful, Mr. [Last name]," Mary-beth had breathed out when the man had finished tying the necklace on her neck. Letting her hair down as she stared at the jewelry, Mary-beth gently touched the pendant and smiled. Turning herself back to face the [Hair color] haired man who waited for her reaction, she sent him a large beaming smiled. Seeing her smile, the [Hair color] haired man nodded at her.

"How... how can I ever thank you?" Mary-beth had asked as she felt the [Hair color] haired man's hand squeezed her hand.

"Well... if you want..." [Name] had started as he looked at the young woman in the eye then turned to look at the lake. Taking his hands away from the young woman's hold which honestly seemes to disappointed Mary-beth with his action but still listened to his words. "I... uh..." Clearing his throat, [Name] sent a quick look at the young woman beside him.

"May I court you, Miss Gaskill?" The outlaw had asked. The young woman froze at his words as the [Hair color] haired man waited for her answer. Mary-beth couldn't believe it. Did... did she heard him right? Did she heard him ask for her permission to court her? As Mary-beth tried to process his words, the [Hair color] haired outlaw assumed the young woman's silence for the worse as he let out a sigh. Rising one of his hand and running it throught his [Hair color] hair, he let out another sigh again.

"You know what?" [Name] had said as he lowered his hand and instead formed both of his hands into a fist. Mary-beth's silence seemed to make him regret his decision to say thise words to her. To ask fo courting her. Clicking his tongue, he shakes his head in regret and dismay. "Let's just forget thi--" [Name] didn't get to finish his words as he felt a huge force pushed him onto the ground as something wrapped around his neck while there was weight on his chest.

"Shit!" The [Hair color] haired man let out a hissed of pain from the rough landing on the ground as his back ached from the pain he felt while there was also some heaviness on his chest. Looking down, the outlaw let out a surprise noise when he saw and realized who had caused him to be pushed down the ground. "S-shit! Miss Gaskill?" [Name] asked, surprised at the young woman who's face buried on his chest yet her arms wrapped tighter on his neck. Hesitantly, the [Hair color] haired outlaw wrapped his arms around the young woman.

"Is... are you... okay?" The outlaw had softly ask. Rubbing the young woman's back in a type of way to ease whatever she was feeling. The [Hair color] haired man assumed she felt something in the lines of sadness or perhaps fear? [Name] don't know but he tried his best to console the young woman in his arms.

"Miss Gaski--"

"Yes."

The outlaw blinked. One... two... three... four...

"Pardon?" The [Hair color] haired outlaw dumbly asked as he looked down at the young woman who finally stopped hiding her face on his chest but instead looked up at him. [Name] noticed small tears on the corner of Mary-beth's eyes yet he was more focused on the large smile on her lips. She was beautiful.

"I said, yes," Mary-beth had said. "You may court me, Mr. [Last name]," she continued as she laughed when she saw the man looked like he was frozen for a second until a smile broke onto his lips.

"I... I can?" He had breathlessly asked. The [Hair color] haired outlaw seemed to be in disbelief and Mary-beth couldn't help but laugh at his expression. Did he thought she won't say yes? God, this man...

"Yes, you can, you silly man," Mary-beth had giggled as [Name] had sat up right and looked at her in the eye. Mary-beth saw those [Eye color] eyes of his filled with joy, and it made her more happy with it. "Now, how about you give a lady a romantic kiss for a start of your courting?" She had teased as she heard the man chuckle.

"I didn't think you would ask for a kiss on the start," the [Hair color] haired man had said as he unwrapped his arms off of her and instead had his hand placed on the young woman's waist. The outlaw was rather surprised on the young woman's bold words yet a smile on his lips when Mary-beth laughed at him. Shaking her head, Mary-beth placed herself more comfortable by sitting on the man's lap, her smile still on her lips as she faced him.

"I'm not," Mary-beth confessed with a grin. "But I'll let this one slide," she said as she felt the [Hair color] haired man's hands squeezed her waist a bit. "You better show me a good courting though, you silly man," she ended as she leaned close to the outlaw. Mary-beth's couldn't help but giggle when she heard [Name]'s chuckle leaving his lips.

"I will," [Name] had said as be saw the young woman leaned closer until their lips touched. It was a soft and quick kiss as Mary-beth immediately then parted with her freckled cheeks flushed a bright red hue. The [Hair color] haired man was no exception as he felt his face heat up from the young women's action yet a soft smile on his lips.

Mary-beth felt the [Hair color] haired man to place his head on the crook of her neck as he hold her close to him. "Come with me to town tomorrow?" The young woman had heard him muttered as she couldn't help but softly smile at his words. She always wanted to go to the town near their camp yet have not gone to for she was busy doing her chores that Miss Grimshaw had assigned to her and the others girls, not to mention no one will take her unless there is a reason for her to go into town since some of the men are very busy.

"I'd love too."

pls a cute fluffy boyfriend shawn for my sad ass.

category is: blurb night

things i love

“I love your hair,” Shawn says lowly, playing with your hair while you’re resting your head on his lap. “Have I said this before?” You shift a little, rolling to the other side so now your face is milimiters away from his stomach. Your body is laid across the bed in a horizontal position while Shawn stays in vertical, the blankets all messy to cover both your and his frame as the snow falls outside, painting the window white. “My hair?” You ask, lifting an eyebrow as he keeps himself distracted, twisting the strands of your hair gently between his calloused fingers and his other hand comes to give you a head rub meanwhile. “M-hm,” He mumbles, his hazel eyes attentive on every little thing on your hair: the colour, the texture, the scent coming up to his nostrils and the way it’s so soft against his touch. “It’s the best hair in the world.” No need to say his words have no sense right now, but you didn’t dare to blame him — knowing he’s very tired and he just wants to enjoy the time he’s got with you, seizing the opportunity to confess all of his thoughts because maybe they could build up a song sooner or later. Instead, you only let out a small laugh, looking up at him as his smile starts to show up in his rosy face, little scar lifting up with his cheeks and he’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen. “I love your ear too,” He notices it when he tucks a thick strand behind it, the skin of your ear getting colder now exposed to the temperature of the room. “A piercing like mine wouldn’t look bad, though.” “Then it’s not that pretty,” You say, making him grimace playfully and poke out his tongue towards you, still not looking directly at you. He wants to give every inch the attention they deserve in the specific time he’s reserving to all of them. His tongue then moistens his lips as he caresses the thin skin. “Obviously it is!” Shawn says, slightly offended. “Just sayin’ you should give it a try, it would look even prettier. That’s what I meant.” You chuckle at his drama, closing your eyes as you feel the tenderness of his touch coming to your eyelid. It’s kinda weird, but you don’t frown. You just let him enjoy and trace it delicately. “You also have the most beautiful eyes,” He vents, sighing to ease the pace his heart picked, beating faster and fluttering in his chest. “God, your eyes…” “They’re closed, dork,” You mutter, laughing thinly. “How do you know they’re beautiful?” “Shhh, necessary things are being said,” He intensifies the head rub as if he’s trying to calm a crying baby. “Dork.” “Okay, Mr. Know-It-All,” You give in, leaning against his graze. “I’m all ears.” “That’s one of the things I think about the most when you’re away,” He gulps before moving on, knowing that soon you’ll see each other less often. “I… I think I’ve memorized the way they look. Like when you see your favourite dessert or a puppy down the streets. Your pupils just go… Whoa!” “What does that even mean?” “I don’t know,” The coherent arguments seem to fly away from him. “They grow so big and your eyes start brightening like crazy.” “And that’s cute because…?” “Because,” He takes a deep breath, looking down at you and releasing your eyelid so your eyes can open again, immediately finding his greenish eyes. “Because that’s what they do when you see me.” Your lips part a little, face contorting to hold back a tear or whatever this thing burning inside your chest is. Between screaming, mewling and holding him for dear life, you limit yourself to stay still and process the information again and again. A part of you thinks that you’re the luckiest girl in the world and the other part suffers in advance, denying the luck because the tour is going to be back in a week and he’s going to be far away again. “That’s creep of me to say but when you come running to me at the airport… Like…” Shawn struggles to find a decent way to finish his sentence, immersed in the way you’re staring at him with curious eyes. “This is why I always hold your face before hugging you. ‘S too damn cute.” His grin is too damn cute. His perfect smile is warming your whole body even though his mouth is standing up in there, distant while he moves his tattooed hand to your nose. “This little thing in here,” Shawn travels a finger up and down, feeling the curve of your nose all the way from the top to the tip and, before letting go, he pinches the tip weakly, making you scrunch your nose and smile too. “It just suits you so well, and it looks so… So perfect. ” “Shawn…” “M-mm, babe,” He nods in denial. “That’s not up for discussion. It is perfect.” Totally vulnerable, you let him go on. He spends a few extra seconds on your nose before cupping the side of your face so he can rub his thumb along your warm cheek, contrasting with the icy digit going back and forth calmly. “Hey,” Shawn says, rising his tone a little bit to his recent discovery. “Your face fits so good on my palm,” He points out, changing the position of his hand lazily so he can prove his theory to himself in all possible ways as he watches you leaning in everytime he moves differently. “Never noticed this before.” “Never?” “Never. Have you?” “Not really, to be honest.” Shawn tries some squeezes, swelling your cheek up enough to nearly hide your eye and then he lets go, massaging it and intensifying his graze still lovingly. And he keeps on fondling the expansion of your cheek, studying the little details on the surface and enjoying the smoothness by drawing random patterns with more than just his thumb now, eventually pulling your hair back — from the very edge of your hairline to where his fingers disappear into the strands; from your forehead to the back of your head — and coming back to your face. He has no idea of how many times he did it, but he knows it’s been a long while since he’s been doing this action when he sees your eyes blinking slower, threatening to shut down in a peaceful sleep. “I love these lips,” He whispers more to himself, afraid to disturb you. His thumb follows the outline of your mouth and sweetly slides to the middle where they part faintly, so plump and so silky against his calloused finger. “I love how heavenly they feel pressed to mine. Since the very first time we kissed, they never ever failed to get me compelled,” You can listen him, but you pretend that you don’t so he can continue shamelessly. “If I could I’d kiss them endlessly, babe. If you only knew how much I miss them.” Gentle as ever, he tries to pull you closer to him. Instantly, you help him out by lifting up your body to nuzzle against his broad chest as he tilts your head up by the chin, pecking your lips a couple of times lazily. He doesn’t mean to be seductive or dirty, he just wants to feel your lips touching unhurriedly. You feel that stubborn curl of his falling down between your foreheads, tickling you two — but it doesn’t stop you from deepening the kiss. His large hand closes all the space between you (if that’s even possible), placed on the nape of your neck as the other one works with his arm to hold you tight. It’s not really the most comfortable way to kiss, but it’s not that bad as long as he’s holding you and kissing you with all he’s got. His tongue licks the inner part bottom lip and you promptly allow him to let it entwine with yours, humming at the moment your lips lock again, letting out a smack sound. “Mmm, I love your moans…” He murmurs against you, making you shiver and shriek. “What?” “Mendes! You just ruined all the moment.” “But I don’t mean sexually,” Shawn explains himself, eyes still closed and his expressions start to show, eyebrows widening at first before he keeps on justifying. “Like, of course sexually but more than that,” He lifts his index finger up, hand still taking care of your body so he won’t let it fall back. “They sound so good?! I could literally record them and replay all over again for the rest of my life.” “And then what? Put them in a song?” You get up, his embrace still rounding your frame while you manage to straddle his lap, sitting comfortably on his massive thighs. As you wait for his response, you cross your arms in front of your chest. “I’d be lying if I said they’re not melodic,” He answers, holding your waist more fiercely. “You once hit a very nice note.” “You asshole!” You shout, palms spreading all over the muscles on his chest. “I can’t believe you think about music when we’re having sex!” “I don’t! I don’t, I swear,” He laughs, grabbing your wrists and tugging them behind his neck, you two standing now chest-to-chest. “And I would never put them in a song. I like that they’re for me only,” Shawn’s boyish grin gets your knees failing and you would surely be falling down right now if the bed wasn’t below you. “They are, right?” You move forwards, pressing your forehead against his shoulder as your laugh comes out muffled by his skin. “Of course they are,” You say, returning to look him deep in the eyes. “Dork.”

in hindsight | part two

summary: In hindsight, you should have noticed Jimin was a little different from the other members of Bangtan. In hindsight. In hindsight, you should have noticed a lot of strange things. Too bad this revelation came to you a little too late. word count: 3.9k note: the aftermath of part 1. I’m not 100% happy with it, but to follow Namjoon’s recent example, it’s better to have it done than for it to be perfect. I hope you guys like this.  ✨ warnings: blood, light gore, angst

part one | part two

masterlist | moodboard masterlist

As soon as Hoseok turns on his wifi, he realizes that something is wrong. His reason to worry comes in the form of a very innocent text. “Why does Seokjin want me to buy even more oyster sauce if he still has three bottles in the pantry? Also, where are you guys?” Attached is only a photo of the familiar and full cupboards. Dark concern clouds Hoseok’s heart as soon as he reads the words over and over and he stumbles into the dance studio, where most of the other members are sitting on the ground and playing a board game.

“Guys,” he says, eyes wide, “where is Jin-hyung's phone?”

The anxiety climbs with every passing second. Until Seokjin’s face pales.

“Get Taehyung.”

Confusion. It’s not the emotion that’s snapping at Taehyung’s heels while he sprints all the way from the driveway into their apartment, it’s not the emotion that angsty anticipation is brewing in his gut, and it’s certainly not the emotion he expected he’d feel when he sees you.

But it’s definitely you, even if he has to look twice and the main door falls shut right when your eyes lock with his, but it is you. Taehyung expected a torn body submerged in water but here you are, alive, in the foyer of their house. The scent of blood in the air and the spotty trail of water staining the carpet from the bathroom to the foyer are all indicators of what has happened here but Taehyung still can’t see the connection. 

Your whole body is wet, water mixed with blood in your clothes, fear in your eyes. And then he hears wailing from the bathroom and honestly, the situation could not be more contrary to the images his mind has conjured up to accredit Jimin with. And to be even more honest, Taehyung feels overwhelmed by how much he doesn’t know what’s happening, why Jimin is crying and you are alive. He feels control slipping out of his reach when he has to make a decision.

He tests the air once again, opens his mouth to let all scents flow through his taste buds and tell him more about the moon-induced insanity he’s missed. The reaction is involuntary - Taehyung scrunches up his face in disgust - when a whole load of bitter sadness hits him along with the iron tinge of blood and the faint, sour trails of a failed illusion. Yikes.

The decision at hand is simple, he goes after the girl destined to be dead that is still alive, telling himself that he’s not hungry himself as he follows the blood. Blood is worse than sadness and curiosity is stronger than empathy, although he genuinely wants to make sure you’re alright. He feels Namjoon’s hand on his shoulder right when he wants to kneel down for you. His hyung frowns, his eyes locked on the bathroom.

“Don’t go in there,” Taehyung pleads, “I don’t know what happened and what Jimin is doing but we need to take care of our sweetheart. She’s injured.”

Namjoon nods and together the two guys kneel next to you. You’re currently slumping down against one of the sofas, visibly exhausted and drained of life as your breaths are heavy and your eyes look dull. What else is plainly visible is the way your hair looks messy, hanging down in wet strands like you’ve showered but never dried or brushed it. Also, there’s a trail of blood running down your neck and dissolving into your clothes in big, semi-washed out red stains.

Taehyung makes a tutting noise in his throat and to you, it sounds like an invitation to be comforted. You don’t hesitate and throw your arms around him, which has him stiffen completely. There’s a tiny growl.

“Darling, you shouldn’t- I’m not safe- I- Hyung, please-“

Taehyung stammers something as you are given into Namjoon’s firm hug that promises safety and protection so tightly that you don’t have time to be confused or disappointed in Taehyung for refusing to help you. You want to object, to tell Namjoon to let go so his shirt won’t be drenched. He doesn’t seem to care.

“What happened to you, sweetie?” he asks calmly as his fingers stroke your head gently. He turns you, sits down and pulls you into his lap and finally, a feeling of rest crawls into your mind, making your limbs sag in his hold. He allows it, eyes tender while he waits for an answer.

“I d-don’t kn-know,” you mumble and Namjoon pulls your head against his chest, where his heart beats calmly for you. He carefully investigates your neck, fingers running over a couple of spots that only start aching now. Taehyung hums something in the background that you don’t manage to pay attention to, but your thoughts seem to finally calm down more and more, enabling you to think more clearly, to realize you need to remember.

But it’s difficult, so… fatiguing to remember, like you’ve been drunk and every memory is contorted and blurry. It’s like a riddle, like you’re not really sure your memories are accurate or even trustworthy.

“I don’t- it’s all blurry,” you say, head low, “uh, I brought Seokjin the sauce he asked for but he wasn’t… there, I think.”

“And after that?”

“I talked to Jimin… I don’t- he was bathing, I- he was so nice, asking about my day and- I don’t remember what we said, I - we-“, you almost burst out in tears when you can’t remember, when a terrible creeping feeling of helplessness bares its teeth at your soul.

“It’s okay, hun, you don’t have to remember now,” Taehyung’s deep voice sounds soothing but you find that it’s a treacherous depth, that he isn’t good at covering up his deeper, raw emotions underneath this time. You bury your face in Namjoon’s chest, hoping he’ll shield you even from Taehyung.

“Did you see anything that was strange? Or do you feel any kind of pain?”

You’re not sure. You’re really not sure. It’s like you know you should have a specific image in front of your eyes right now, like a word that burns on your tongue but you can’t seem to figure out which one it is. Like your gut knows but the information doesn’t make it to your brain. It’s an itch sitting underneath your skin and you shiver angrily.

“Why can’t I remember! Argh, it’s so annoying, why is there nothing at all!?”

Namjoon gently takes your fists in his hands and opens up your clenched fingers.

“Don’t worry,” he says. “We’ll tell you what happened as soon as we’ve talked to Jimin, okay?”

“No!” your answer is lightning fast and surprises you as much as them. “Jimin…” you trail off, unsure why your body has goosebumps all over.

“We’ll be careful, okay? Maybe you should get some rest now, sweetheart. Maybe your memories will come back when you wake up.”

It actually sounds really good in your ears. The idea of rest, of possibly sleeping in your own bed where it’s warm and safe, makes your mind flutter in a good way. Your posture sags, as if the entire tension and stress of the day come by to say hello to your body at once, urging you to finally get some peace and quiet and some sleep, and you think that’s exactly what you’re gonna do.

Namjoon sends you home with Hoseok, who is incredibly gentle and kind with you, even if you complain at first, seeking the familiar closeness of Namjoon. The elder shows you love until you fall asleep right there on his passenger’s seat, overwhelmed by the hole in your memories and the landscape of confusion the fading adrenaline leaves behind in your body.

Taehyung and Namjoon reenter the house and follow the wailing. They don’t expect a semi-wet Jimin curled up on his bed, with a jagged tail and crying hysterically. The siren doesn’t even acknowledge the others’ arrival, just wipes his eyes furiously, weeping into the white sheets that have caught on his barbed side fin. The sharp parts of his tail have torn through them with ease. Actually, it’s not just the sheets, the entire bed looks torn and overall unhappy to carry Jimin’s whole weight.

No matter how much Taehyung and Namjoon call for Jimin, the siren doesn’t stir in response, only cries, cries, cries, his whole body shaking with the heavy emotions.

Namjoon is worried. He’s never seen Jimin a) crying so intensely and b) with his tail. The younger looks dangerous but so, so broken, so vulnerable that Namjoon’s mind isn’t sure what to think even though his heart is overflowing with sadness too. Silently, he wonders whether that’s what Taehyung told them, about sirens luring humans in all sorts of ways, or if the deep empathy is just his normal sense of caring for his precious dongsaeng.

Finally, Taehyung sighs. With a frown and a hand slowly caressing Jimin’s tail, he says, “Fine. Either you stop crying or I’ll make you stop, Jiminie. I can’t help you if you keep crying.”

It’s a small sound that rises from the covers but Jimin misses a bawl and says, “Your song doesn’t work on me” before drawing himself in his wallowing depression once more.

Taehyung doesn’t seem deterred at all, softly mumbling, “I can try for my best friend.”

Namjoon has no idea what’s going on, no one can blame him either, but he knows that he feels immense warmth when Taehyung opens his mouth, sending a simple song out like a blanket to cover the entire room. He feels tied to Taehyung’s lips, awaiting the next sound with all his body and soul as the younger sings. The language is foreign, different from Korean or English, different from anything Namjoon’s heard before, but even if his mind doesn’t, his body understands the ups and downs of the syllables perfectly. It answers every note with a rush of relaxation and calmness. Serendipity, it feels like, a deep reassurance that he’s always sought and never found. The song almost washes him into a soft sleep, like a lullaby.

Taehyung seems to notice and sings Jimin’s name over and over again. A tingling sensation rushes through Namjoon’s limbs like they’ve been pulled out of their daze, out of thick water, and when the song keeps going, he doesn’t feel anything at all anymore. He shakes his head and his thoughts are clear. So that’s the pull of a siren’s song.

The song is for Jimin only and while Namjoon’s mind still stumbles over the strange sensation of how a few notes out of Taehyung’s mouth can control his mind and body so easily, he’s glad to notice that this is a song full of love and comfort that only a dedicated, pure-hearted best friend can give.

The siren on the bed stops crying and blinks through wet eyelashes, eyes red and puffy, face swollen, making him look exactly zero percent dangerous and one hundred percent mochi. Except he still has long fangs and there’s some blood on his chin and his throat and his eyes are a wild storm of blue and gray hues, matching perfectly with his silver hair. He sits up as well as he can with the tail weighing his torso down, but he buries his face in his slightly webbed hands. Namjoon swallows. There’s no denying that Jimin looks unearthly pretty like this, with his skin shimmering softly as soon as light touches it, with his hair sort of wet-looking and his facial features even a little more handsome than usual.

When Taehyung sits down next to his best friend, Jimin leans into the touch without hesitation or shame. It actually reminds Namjoon of a cat, the way Jimin chases the softness of Taehyung’s caress and the feeling of Taehyung’s lips on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his lips.

“Sirens are very affectionate,” Namjoon remembers Taehyung saying out of the blue during one breakfast when it had been just the two of them. “More than humans. It’s different, less shame, less awkward, but only with people they trust. Sirens aren’t overly trusting, we usually don’t let humans touch us at all.” Back then, it had been a cute way of confessing his love for the other members, seeing how affectionate both Taehyung and Jimin are with the other boys. Now, it is a piece of background information that helps Namjoon understand the depth of Jimin and Taehyung’s bond.

When Jimin nuzzles Taehyung’s neck and his tail gently rubs against Namjoon’s leg, quietly beckoning him closer, the hyung follows the request. He figures Jimin is seeking touch. Touch is what will make him feel better, so he carefully rubs Jimin’s arm, noticing the thin layer of moisture that seems to cling to the younger’s skin. The siren hums melodically with all the attention given to him. It sounds like a purr. Namjoon makes a mental note. Jimin purrs.

“Jimin-ah, are you better now?”

“Mhm.”

“Can you please tell us what happened?”

Right that moment, Jungkook bursts into the room. “Hyung, did you see the bathroom-“

He stops, eyes fixed on Jimin’s tail like the appendage is hypnotizing his mind. Namjoon sees Jimin halt in his movements. Still, Jungkook’s eyes are doe wide and don’t move until Jimin giggles at the youngest. Namjoon waves his hand in front of the maknae’s eyes. He definitely knows the feeling. That tail is huge. And it glitters mysteriously, almost velvety like a snake’s body but different and probably still different as to when it’s underwater but there’s no denying the incredible beauty of the thing even if it looks nothing like mermaid’s tails in films. It’s more masculine if that makes sense, looks darker and sharper in a way that serves a predator, not a pretty mermaid. Even so, it’s elegant.

What happens next is incredible. In a blink, Jimin’s entire tail changes. The barbs and sharp edges disappear and are replaced by thin, almost frilly looking veil. The tail and fins look like they are made out of fine satin, transparent enough to let light shimmer through them. Jimin’s fangs disappear and there’s jewelry on his neck and his arms. His hair seems flowy, as if he’d been just styled, in a pretty rose color. Now he looks like a mermaid.

“Uh,” Jungkook stumbles out of his daze, eyes flitting to Jimin, then the ground. He blushes profusely and mumbles, “b-bathroom.” And with that, he sprints off, head red and body tense.

Namjoon looks at Taehyung, who just shrugs before turning back to Jimin.

“What happened in the bathroom, Jimin-hyung? Why was noona even there? We made sure she’d be far away from you today, with the moon changing and all.”

Jimin looks at his hands in his lap like he feels super uncomfortable talking about the whole incident. But he knows he should get it out, be honest with his brothers and do this like a responsible man. Namjoon can see the pain on Jimin’s face when he starts explaining. “I used hyung’s phone to make her come over. But it didn’t feel wrong, Tae. It was like I had to do it or I’d die in my own skin. The urge was so intense I would have done anything.”

He’s ashamed, it’s obvious and Namjoon thinks that speaks for how pure Jimin really is, despite the violent side of his nature, how much humanity the boy has that he himself can’t even see. He pats the younger on the back only to be met with broken, desperate eyes.

“I lured her like the damn catcher-siren I’ve been trained to be. I know I’m good at spinning the illusion. There wasn’t much resistance left, I almost had her, almost got to- feed a-and- and,” his whole posture slumps and once again, streams of tears roll down his cheeks like small waterfalls.

“What happened then?”

It’s the billion-dollar question, the one missing piece that will have everything else make sense. Why you survived and made it to the living room. Why there’s blood but not death. At first, Jimin mumbles the words so they’re under his breath and pretty much inaudible except Taehyung seems to catch them because his eyes go wide. Namjoon doesn’t get it.

“Do you mind repeating that for me, Jimin-ah?”

Namjoon listens closely this time, hoping to catch the logical explanation for this whole drama. Except when Jimin speaks again, it still doesn’t make sense to Namjoon at all.

“She broke the illusion. And then she took one of my scales.”

Jimin whimpers like the pain hits him anew and Namjoon doesn’t know what to say. Does it hurt to lose a scale? Don’t fish lose scales all the time? I know Jin always complains about them sticking to everything when he cooks fish. He sends a helpless look to Taehyung, who also looks like a bomb has hit and crushed his world. It must mean something. Something big. Please explain?

“You don’t know what that means, do you?”

“How would I? You guys never talk about these things with us, and it’s not like there are books I could read, so no. How would I know?”

“We only give scales to our mates. It’s like a marriage gift. Our scales are magical, sort of. They bind us together.”

“What,” Namjoon deadpans and he hates how dumb it sounds. “So… you’re… married? To my yeodongsaeng?”

Taehyung grins softly at the exasperated look on Namjoon’s face but his face turns grim quickly. “Not quite. But the scale-giving has to be reciprocated to complete the opened bond. Otherwise, the siren will be in pain until it happens.” 

“In pain?

“In pain,” Jimin nods, becoming smaller under Namjoon’s gaze. Admittedly, that’s not a good message.

“Can’t she just give it back?”

“Can you just take your heart back after loving someone?”

Namjoon is silent. At least with his mind, he understands now why Jimin was trembling before, why he’d been so heartbroken. Heart-broken. Literally.

“And now she hates you because you tried to eat her?”

“I don’t think she’ll remember, I accidentally scratched her,” Jimin mumbles.

“And… that makes it better how…?”

“It will make her forget. Probably.”

Namjoon huffs. It makes sense. His mind goes back to a few minutes ago when he found the crying girl in the lobby. She really didn’t remember much at all.

“Even if she forgets, it kind of serves you right.”

“Hyung!” Jimin protests, “It’s not like I could help it. I feel horrible about it. I wish I could just erase this whole day. I don’t even want to blame the moon changing on it-”

“It’s not just this day, Jimin-ah,” Namjoon says softly, letting his hand card through Jimin’s soft hair, through the thick strands that look so pretty right now. He hopes the others won’t notice that he’s speaking out of experience. “You’re too seductive for your own good. I don’t think you realize how attractive you are to people.”

“I’m not that good-looking, hyung.”

Namjoon knows Jimin is serious, that he doesn’t try to make people fall for him. If anything, the dancer acts silly or cute most of the time (except when they perform). But still, it’s true.

“Your looks are just one small part of it. You have this air about you, Jimin. When you sing and dance… your voice is like a song even when you speak sometimes-“

“I don’t even use my song on you guys-“

Taehyung coughs.

“-unless Jin-hyung doesn’t want to buy us fish.”

“Jiminie, I’m still convinced you could sing anywhere and make people drop to their knees and pledge their lives to you within seconds. Lure or not.”

“How am I- what about Taehyung then? He’s a siren too.”

Namjoon realizes only now that he’s ridden himself into an impasse, having both sirens observe him with curious eyes. While Taehyung is impossibly handsome as well, he’s more like an excited puppy, is what Namjoon thinks.

“But with Taehyung it’s all play. He’s not half as seductive as you, Jimin-ah.”

“I never thought you’d say things like that to me. Do you really mean that, hyung?”

Namjoon nods. “If Taehyung lured someone in, he would probably take them to a dog cafe or something. But you - how else do you explain how drawn everyone is to you?”

Jimin stares him dead in the eye. “I’m an idol in one of the biggest boybands on the planet - I’ve worked so hard for this. Of course everyone is drawn to me.”

“No, Jiminie, you practiced hard to dance and sing with us, but your aura is all natural.”

“So,” Taehyung intervenes with a serious tone in his voice, “what are you going to do? What if she feels the pull towards you? Or what if she doesn’t? I mean, we only know these things from stories, so we don’t know what is going to happen exactly.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have left the ocean so early back then-“

“That’s not what matters right now. Look forward, Jiminie. You have to make a decision. What are you going to do?”

There’s a new tear rolling over Jimin’s cheek, and where the first one makes its way down, a couple more follow. His chest trembles with the quiet sobs. Namjoon wonders whether fate could be any more cruel, forcing a young boy to decide such meaningful things in such a drastic manner. He isn’t sure if there are any good decisions that can come out of this. Even the way Jimin takes a deep breath, hands in fists, makes him feel trapped in this dilemma.

“I… I won’t tell her. The bond is still fresh, so she won’t feel me. If we don’t see each other, she won’t be affected.”

“But,” Namjoon thinks aloud, “you said that it’s a bond, that you would need to complete it to be okay. You’ll get sick if you keep her away from you, right?”

“Maybe. But I won’t force her to be with me just because of the bond. That’s selfish and egocentric. She was terrified of me, as she should be. So I won’t tell her and give her the chance of meeting someone she can truly fall in love with.”

“Are you sure that’s the way to go? Don’t you deserve happiness too?”

“I couldn’t even withstand the moon’s sway, so this consequence is my reward. If she remembers, I’ll apologize. If she can even bear to be around me again. I’ll make sure that she’s safe. I’ll take care of her secretly. Don’t look at me like that, hyung. I’ll be fine and if I stay away from her, she will be too.”

Namjoon nods. It’s not the best way to go about this but the look in Jimin’s eyes tells him that the decision is made. Taehyung is oddly quiet, never even looking at Jimin while he speaks, only staring out of the window, to a faraway place, probably thinking about the ocean. Namjoon wishes the other siren would say something to help his soulmate, to give him a chance at fixing the situation but he only looks miserable in his own way, as if he feels the depth of Jimin’s pain in his own body. But he doesn’t, so Namjoon nods again.

“Okay, Jiminie. I hope this is a good decision.”

masterlist | moodboard masterlist

taglist @taeshuworld, @xmagicxshopx, @justanemptydream

Hello! I’m excited to do this as I don’t rec much, reccing things terrifies me because I hate feeling like I’m picking/playing favourites and leaving people out, and I also am just generally bad at picking my favourites of anything because I like too many things too much. I also am very bad at bookmarking, keeping track of fics I read, and generally being able to recall the names of fics to be able to rec them. So, with all that in mind I thought I’d start with something easy, on the understanding that this isn’t by any means an exhaustive list and I’d be more comfortable with this being “ten fics I like” rather than a top ten because there are far far too many fics I love in this fandom to ever do a list of favourites. So, in no particular order: 

Ten fics under ten thousand words (that I love):

Hypocrite by Lynds [@gold-from-straw​] - Rating: G, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: How can Todd possibly expect to be forgiven if he still can't forgive everyone who hurt him? Why I love it: This is one of my favourite explorations of a very specific part of Todd’s character, and it’s worth noting that the characteristics are spot on. I come back to this fic over and over again, and while in many ways it’s painful it’s also real and honest and just a beautiful bit of writing concerning Todd and his guilt.

Dork Greatly's Holistic Laundry Service by obscureenthusiast -  Rating: G, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Brotzly (kind of)

Summary: Dirk very generously offers to help Todd with his household chores... an offer which Todd eventually takes him up on. The laundry gets a little out of hand when Todd remembers a game he and Amanda used to play and Dirk enthusiastically joins.

Why I love it: Cute!! It’s cute silly fun of these two bonding over laundry and sock puppets, gentle ribbing and acting like children. It gets even better when Farah joins in, I’m a sucker for those three being dorks together. 

My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy; It Keeps Trying To Convince Me That You Are by DontOffendTheBees [@dont-offend-the-bees​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: His voice is so familiar and yet also just so… wrong. There’s something missing in it. Some vital aspect of Todd that Dirk didn’t even notice until it was gone.

Why I love it: ANGST! This appeals to every single one of my angst tendencies, and as I’m using this rec list to rec things I love I have to give a shoutout to the most wonderfully angsty fic I’ve read. I love this fic. I love the premise, I love the tension, I love the way it’s written, I love how awful the situation is. I love the way this fic is resolved, I love that it’s plausible, realistic in that. It’s incredibly emotional in all the worst ways and that makes it one of my favourite short fics ever.

Cut To The Feeling by zaphodthebb -  Rating: G, WC: 2.1k, Pairing: Brotzly 

Summary: Post Blackwing rescue, Todd is awake and on guard duty. He's had too much coffee. Also, Dirk can't sleep.

Why I love it: I’m such a sucker for post-big-things fic and this one nails the feeling perfectly. You can feel the exhaustion, the way smaller things they didn’t have time to worry about before catching up to them now they can stop for a moment. Both Dirk and Todd feel tired and real and it’s just a lovely read. 

split the secret up by piggy09 [@sharkodactyl] -  Rating: T, WC: 5.1k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: He asks if Dirk can hear it and Dirk just laughs, the sound reassuringly human.Well, not reassuringly. Reassuringly would mean Todd had to be reassured.It’s just – it sounds human. Which is good. Because Dirk is human. Definitely

Why I love it: Why don’t I love it? The idea of the Blackwing subjects being Eldritch in some way is a concept I’ve explored numerous times because it appeals to me so much, and if it appeals to you then you want to read this fic. It’s eerie and unsettling, the ability to hit the tone of not-quite-right is perfect, the pacing is astounding and it’s so hard to write a fic like this and keep the idea together as well as it’s done here. I love experimental styles of writing and when they turn out like this it’s not hard to see why. I love this fic a lot. (I would also recommend reading on desktop not mobile because the formatting of this fic adds so much to it!)

Catharsis by ben8615  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.3k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: Dirk is broken as heck, so why not have him cry it out? That's it. That's the whole story. You can all go home now.

Why I love it: The title and summary say it all really! This is such a lovely little fic about Dirk getting some catharsis in a way we all know he desperately needs, and paired with Todd taking care of him so gently? It’s such a perfect, wonderful little fic that just feels quiet and safe and wonderful.

objects in mirror may be closer than they appear by sharlook [@aceabed]  -  Rating: T, WC: 8.8k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: You’re alone, with your arms wrapped tight around a pillow at god knows what time in the night, and there are tears running down your face because you can’t seem to stop thinking about it, not even in your dreams. And then clutching your covers you get an idea. (In which Dirk has nightmares about Blackwing, goes to Todd for help, and is really, really, really in love.)

Why I love it: This fic aches in such a beautiful way. It doesn’t shy away from the ramifications of what Dirk went through and how that plays out for him, his fears and paranoias feel real and present in a way I really appreciate. The choice to use second person is a really good one, it’s a tricky pov to pull off but this definitely gets it right and is better for it. The development of Dirk and Todd’s relationship, particularly looking at Todd’s reactions to Dirk’s worries through Dirk’s eyes is just wonderful and it’s well worth a read. 

Those Grey Days by TheRoyalPrussianArmy [@theroyalprussianarmy​]  -  Rating: G, WC: 2.4k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: The bad days weren't always days. They could creep up, like some small, silent predator and deliver a swift bite that poisoned its victim's outlook. A blue sky could turn into grey one heartbeat after a laugh. The gentle sound of the wind in the trees would suddenly become overwhelmingly irritating. Even so much as a door closing or footsteps across the floor could lead to a strong desire to cry and scream, to rage and throw things. They would always pass, of course, but in the moment they were devastating.

Why I love it: We all know I love a good Todd characterisation, and I love a good exploration of the shitty realities of bad mental health and letting other people help you with that. I really really love this fic for both of those reasons, it’s unflinching without being gratuitous, and I really love the way it doesn’t promise sudden miraculous recovery at the hands of someone else, but ends on a gentler kind of promise of having people be there for you if you let them be. Also I’m a huge fan of the way this is written, it reads so nicely and it’s more than worth it. 

Light Work by  juniper_and_lamplight  [@juniper-and-lamplight​​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Farina

Summary: Tina had, with her typical blunt insight, poked at Farah’s motivations for baking the cake herself. “Is it some kind of control-freaky thing? Like you can’t trust anyone else to get it right?” And while Farah couldn’t honestly say no to that question, her real motivation ran deeper.

Why I love it: This fic is wonderful. I always think we need more Farah insights, and this fic does just that in such a beautiful way, catching on her idiosyncrasies and the character building is to die for. It’s such a simple idea and yet the story itself manages to be rich and full, the imagery is simply gorgeous and every little snippet of a look into Farah’s life as it was in the past and is right now just delights me. Honestly this fic will leave you with a sweet, warm feeling all the way down to your toes and dwelling in the comfort of knowing Farah is loved by herself and others in all the ways she deserves.

or make a home by reptilianraven [@actualbird​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 6.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: “Perhaps,” Dirk says in his best ‘yes, I’m bullshitting you, but I’m your boyfriend and you love me still’ voice. “The universe wants it this way.”“The universe wants you to always forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste,” Todd says, unimpressed, screwing the cap on himself.-Or Todd’s adventures in dating Dirk Gently, the mundanities of which unsurprisingly turning out to not be very mundane at all (featuring, among other things: intergalactic wormholes, regular periods of lying down on the floor, and several annoying habits that concern toothpaste and toothbrushes.)

Why I love it: You know those fics you read that make you want to throw your face into a pillow and scream with emotions? Yeah. This fic is so ridiculously good. The beauty of mundane daily rituals that make up part of a relationship! The way those things grow together, evolving into each others spaces and lives, this fic explores that so well. The portrayal of their relationship is so soft and tender, so happy and bright and silly and sad and everything a relationship should be. Honestly I can’t overstate enough how much I love this fic, I can’t go on and on here, but I’m about 99% sure this fic invented love-in-small-spaces kinda way. Also, sidetracking from all my other comments, if you like Mika’s song Tiny Love and the reprise of it then you’ll love this fic because I listened to it and immediately thought of it. Beautiful, emotional, fic. If this fic was a blanket I’d burrito myself in it and never leave. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There we go! I obviously have far more than ten fics that fall into this category and hopefully more of them will be cropping up over the course of this week if I can find the time to make that happen, but as this is something I’m lowkey scared of doing I’m pleased enough to have this much! Thank you so much to @dghdafeedbackfest​ for organising this!

If you read any of these fics and like them please let the author know! Also check out some of their other stuff, because a lot of these authors are writers I love in general! 

secrets - kakayama

The one where Tenzo asks Kakashi to share just one of his many secrets, and things don't exactly go the way he expects.

EXPLICIT // ALSO ON AO3 Word Count: 2,114 Prompt: “Tell me a secret” Requested by: @syndellwins

What feels like 300 years ago, I wrote my very first KakaYama smut fic when the lovely Syndell popped into my inbox and requested it. Like most of my other fics it was deleted when I purged my ao3, but it's always been one of my favorites and I decided to rewrite it/clean it up and make it better. So here it is, I hope you enjoy! :)

"Tell me a secret."

Tenzo doesn't mean to say it - not out loud, at least - but the words slip out before he can stop himself and he immediately closes his eyes, trying to fight down the flush of embarrassment he can feel bringing heat to his cheeks and mentally berating himself for daring to ask. The request itself is innocent enough, but knowing what he knows about Kakashi and how little he likes to share about his personal life - even with Tenzo, who he’s known for years - he should have known better than to ask.

Even now, years after leaving the Anbu, Kakashi still plays things close to the vest and for some reason, that bothers Tenzo. Kakashi knows everything about him, the good and the bad, yet has never reciprocated that confidence, though Tenzo knows better than to chalk it up to lack of trust - despite the level of detachment his former captain maintains, Tenzo has always been one of the very few people Kakashi trusts completely.

At least, he thought he was - as the awkward silence stretches between them, making him wish he could sink straight through the mattress and disappear into the floor below, he's starting to have doubts.

"That's a vague request," Kakashi finally answers, voice soft and predictably void of anything that might give away whatever he’s thinking. A second later the bed shifts, and Tenzo shivers when he feels warm fingers brush his bare arm, tracing the shape of the Anbu tattoo in crimson on his shoulder. When he speaks again, he sounds almost curious. "What kind of secret?"

"Anything." Surprised by the question, Tenzo opens his eyes to find Kakashi propped up on one elbow, watching the slow trail of his own fingertips raise goosebumps across the line of Tenzo’s collarbone.

"You have to be more specific than that, Tenzo, I have all kinds of secrets," Kakashi replies, glancing up and offering him a small but disarming smile, and Tenzo exhales slowly when he dips his head to replace his fingers with his mouth, tongue continuing the path he had started along his skin. "Tragic secrets..." Kakashi licks a wet, languid stripe up the column of his throat, peppering messy kisses along his jaw as he works his way up, and Tenzo fights another shiver when his breath ghosts, warm and damp, against his ear. "Dirty secrets..."

"I, uh..." Tenzo forgets his train of thought when Kakashi nips at his earlobe, can almost feel his brain short-circuiting when he nudges his legs apart with one knee to settle between them.

It's far from the first time he's felt the warm weight of Kakashi's body on top of him, felt the brush of his arousal against his own, but the effect it has on him is always the same - he's not sure he'll ever get used to it.

"Come now, Tenzo, use your words," Kakashi urges, sounding all too pleased with himself. His teeth graze the sensitive spot just below Tenzo’s ear, dragging a groan from low in the back of Tenzo’s throat. "What do you want to know?"

Tenzo doesn't even know what he wanted to know anymore, not with Kakashi working that spot on his neck and the siren song of desire pulsing through his veins, the desperate want that makes him whine when Kakashi ceases his ministrations and draws back to look at him.

It never ceases to both amuse and amaze Kakashi how little it takes to render Tenzo speechless - a teasing touch here or a soft kiss there and the younger man is putty in his hands, a fact he is taking full advantage of at the moment, buying himself time to think.

At least, that’s what he tells himself as he lowers his head to kiss Tenzo again, tongue dipping between parted lips to taste him. If he’s honest, he’s avoiding his kohai’s request, unsure how to answer. He does have a lot of secrets, he hadn’t been lying about that, and he’s not sure he’s ready to share them with Tenzo - even if he were ready, he has no idea which one he would share.

No, that's a lie. Kakashi knows exactly which secret he wants to tell Tenzo, and that alone is infinitely more terrifying than the rest of them combined.

Drawing away from the sweet heat of Tenzo's mouth, Kakashi presses a soft kiss to the corner of his lips and another to his throat, taking a moment to mark his signature across the expanse of his shoulder before shifting, trailing messy, open-mouthed kisses down the tanned canvas of his chest and savoring the salty taste of his skin beneath his tongue.

Tenzo's breath hitches when Kakashi's fingertips brush gently up the inside of his thighs, barely a whisper against the soft, sensitive skin. They drift higher, grazing twin sacs before tracing a line up the length of his shaft - he bucks shamelessly into the touch, tipping his head back with a low moan when Kakashi's tongue follows the same line, and his name slips out like a breathless expletive when he flicks a teasing circle around his head.

Tenzo can't help his strangled moan when Kakashi's warm, wet mouth finally closes around him, reaching down to tangle his fingers in his messy silver hair. His hand is a firm guide as Kakashi slowly lowers his head, relaxing his jaw to take him all the way in before tightening his lips around the base and dragging back up just as slow. It's been a long time since they've had anything more than a quick fuck - he had forgotten just how good Kakashi's mouth feels.

"No, don't-" he pants, lifting his head when Kakashi abruptly pulls away, but his protest dies on his lips as his lover delves lower, gentle as he nudges Tenzo's legs further apart. The muscles of his thighs tense at the first teasing brush of Kakashi's tongue, and Tenzo squirms, lifting his hips slightly to give him better access. Kakashi hums softly in thanks, and Tenzo's head falls back again when his tongue flicks out to taste him once more.

The first slick push knocks the air from his lungs, leaving him reeling as he tries to wrap his head around this new sensation. This isn't something Kakashi has ever done to him before, but gods does it feel good, and he can't help but press his hips back toward him, seeking more of that feeling. Kakashi is quick to oblige, each press and curl of his tongue sending shockwaves through Tenzo's body.

It doesn't take long for familiar heat to flood through his senses, coiling low around the base of his spine and tightening as Kakashi continues his expert ministrations. He's close, so close, but as if he can sense it, Kakashi suddenly stops, crawling back up the bed to catch him in a soft, slow kiss. Tenzo, despite the way his body keens with the desperate ache for completion, responds to him eagerly, cradling Kakashi's narrow jaw carefully between both hands.

For a moment, Kakashi seems content just to kiss him - it's only when Tenzo bucks his hips and growls against his mouth impatiently that he relents, shifting his weight to reach blindly for the bottle still sitting where they'd left it on the nightstand earlier. The soft click of it opening seems to echo in the otherwise silent room, and then Kakashi pulls away.

Tenzo opens his eyes to watch as Kakashi goes up on his knees, slicking his fingers with a generous amount of lubricant before sweeping one over the pucker of his opening. He's gentle, tender even, as he slowly pushes that finger in - Tenzo is still stretched from earlier, but Kakashi takes his time anyway, adding a second finger, then a third, watching through one half-lidded eye as Tenzo reaches back to grab the headboard in both hands. He bucks into it, grinding against Kakashi's hand and moaning with abandon as he fucks himself on those long fingers until Kakashi can't stand the sight of it anymore.

He pulls his fingers away with a low growl, taking only a second to slick his cock with more lubricant before hitching Tenzo's legs up around his waist, pressing forward and sliding into him for the second time that morning in one slow, deep thrust.

When Tenzo meets Kakashi's eyes, he finds them both open, watching him intently. His gaze is drawn immediately to the left one, to the tomoe spinning lazily around his pupil. He's always found that crimson eye fascinating, but to see it now is a little unnerving - vaguely, his memory clouded by desire and pleasure that almost borders on pain as Kakashi's hips snap against him, he recalls hearing somewhere that the Sharingan grants its user photographic memory, and his unease at the sight fades when he realizes that Kakashi is committing this moment to memory.

The wood of the headboard creaks beneath his tightening grip, pain shooting through his fingers as the next forceful thrust pinches his knuckles between the headboard and the wall - he moves them to grasp at the pillow instead but otherwise ignores it, pushing back against Kakashi as he thrusts into him again and leans down, catching his moan with another kiss. The change in angle is slight, but perfect, and he clenches his eyes shut as heat begins to sing through his blood, coiling tight around his spine and constricting his lungs.

He forgets how to breathe as Kakashi's next stroke hits just right, and the added sensation of his hand curling around his aching erection has his head spinning - then the coil snaps, and Tenzo tips over the edge.

He cries Kakashi’s name when he comes, all dignity and propriety forgotten as his body tenses, legs tightening around his partner's waist and holding him in place until the stroke of Kakashi's hand on his cock is agonizing and he relaxes beneath him, completely spent.

Kakashi pushes upright, hands coming to rest on Tenzo’s hips as he continues to chase his own release. The sight of his kohai beneath him, skin flushed and watching him through half-lidded eyes, his stomach slick with sweat and cum, is both beautiful and entirely unfair - he couldn’t look away if he wanted to.

He doesn’t want to.

He never wants to.

Even after he reaches his own release he allows himself another moment of this, remaining buried inside of Tenzo while he catches his breath. He has countless memories of Tenzo like this - pressed beneath him, riding him, backed into walls and bent over couches, writhing and crying his name without a thought for who might hear him - and each is precious to him, but this is one he wants to remember more than any of the others.

This is the one he wants to hold onto forever, because this is the one where everything will change.

It’s only when he withdraws, shifting to sink down onto the bed at Tenzo’s side, that Kakashi allows his left eye to close, hiding away the Sharingan once more. For a while, he doesn’t say anything, basking in his own contentment and the warmth of Tenzo at his side, but when Tenzo turns his head to look at him, he realizes he can’t put this off forever.

"This isn't just sex to me," he mumbles finally, resisting the urge to hide his face in the pillow. The admission clearly startles Tenzo, if the questioning look he gives him is anything to go by, and with a sigh, feeling vulnerable and naked in more ways than one, Kakashi props himself up on one elbow, forcing himself to meet Tenzo’s eyes. "You wanted to know a secret, didn't you? That's it."

For a long moment - too long - the room is perfectly silent. Tenzo has no idea what to say, what to do with that information, how to respond in a way that isn’t an overt declaration of his feelings for Kakashi - because he does have feelings. A lot of them.

Somewhere between the first time Kakashi had sought the comfort of his bed and his body and now, he had fallen in love with this broken shell of a man. He couldn’t pinpoint when it had all changed, when feelings of friendship and admiration become something more, something deeper, but it had, and that realization had been as terrifying then as it is now. How could he possibly tell Kakashi that?

He can't.

So he settles for one more kiss, pouring everything he has - every bit of love, every bit of emotion he feels for him now and always - into that simple press of tired lips and hopes that Kakashi will understand.

#DiamondEdgeinJakarta , Placed Me on the Edge of Joyful Tears

- Saturday, September 23rd 2017 -

That day is definitely going to be one of the most memorable days in 2017. I finally accomplished one of my life goals, to see Seventeen live.

Truth be told, there was a backstory behind this. Flashback to 2016, during their Asia Pacific Fanmeeting Tour. Well, my country was on the list. But the date was just not so compatible with my schedule because during that time I had to undergo a series of freshmen orientation program. August 20th 2016 was the first day of the orientation program so it was a logical reason to not attend their fanmeeting. Disappointed? Yes. Mad? Most definitely. But I made a promise to myself.

‘If the next year they will hold a world tour, I’m definitely going.’

I could say that I am pretty determined, and lucky, that I could actually prove my words.

And with that, here is the story of my amazing Saturday Night with the boys, and my family, the Rose Quartz and Serenity.

It’s happening! It’s finally happening! My long wait has come to an end. The crowd cheers as the opening VCR is played on the screen. The VCR is so bright and colorful it satisfies my eyes. Shortly after VCR ended...

‘JAKARTA! MAKE SOME NOISE!’

I know that voice. I know it too well. It was no other than Seventeen’s very own Happy Virus, Dokyeom. As he said so, the members are starting to appear one by one. I was in the edge of crying because THEY.ARE.SO.HANDSOME.IN.REAL.LIFE. For real!

And with that, the concert is opened with one of their hit songs... Pretty U.

Pretty U is one of my favorite songs. It’s just so sweet and light. Along with the cute and romantic meaning of the song, that’s my type of bubbly music. Not forgetting about the boys as well. They look so cute in those colorful suits. Cuteness just went up to a whole new level.

Once the first song was finished, Beautiful is up next.

Okay. Let me be honest. This is even bubblier(?) than Pretty U. And I swear, I saw Dino and The8 doing the backpack dance when Dokyeom was singing his first line. Everyone was just so sweet. Throwing hearts here and there. Waving to us with a smile painted on their faces. It’s so refreshing to see them do their thing like that. There’s also a snippet of JeongHao moment during the performance. Basically, this performance is fluffy explosion everywhere.

Once Beautiful is over, they move on to the last song of the session, Adore U

Adore U was a good ol’ classic. It just brings out their natural stage appeal. Along with the fun bickers by the members during the performance, it’s another type of stage that lifts up the audience’s mood. The highlight part is definitely Dokyeom’s ‘Baby you are my angel~’. For a moment, the whole audience and Seventeen became one when that line was sung. Overall, the opening sequence is amazing! What a way to start a day, or a concert in this case.

Next...  They introduced themselves in Bahasa Indonesia. Indonesia 101, in terms of K-Pop Concerts, the most common way to greet the audience is by saying ‘Apa kabar? Nama saya ...’ which translates as ‘How are you? My name is ...’ . Seventeen did a really good job at that. I would like to point out that Jeonghan, has the cutest voice when he was greeting the audiences in Bahas Indonesia.

Again, Dokyeom is the one with the most energy in here. Oh, scratch that. Hoshi is probably the one with the most energy during their introduction. Hoshi used his iconic 10:10 introduction. In which the the audience replied as expected! The rest? As an Indonesia, I’m pretty impressed with their introductions. Pronunciation wise, they are pretty good for beginners. If they ever planned for another concert here, I hope they could improve their skill more.

Introduction took quite some time, perhaps 10 minutes or so. Once they finished, the stage continues with ‘Still Lonely’ and Performance Team’s ‘Swimming Fool’. Again, the last song to close the second song session is the hit song, ‘Very Nice’. With that, the first part of the concert was over.

Second part starts with the screen displaying a few photos of Seventeen during their childhood. I gotta say, Joshua, Jun, Vernon, and Mingyu has the best childhood photos. Jeonghan looks really plain back then. Well, now, he’s slaying, at the very least. So I guess that’s quite an upgrade for him. After the VCR ended, we were greeted with Seventeen in uniforms of black and white. Probably a High School Uniform and they are performing Mansae.

I would like to state that I love how they wrote ‘Jakarta Mansae’ on the blackboard. And Jeonghan sounded so clear when they were performing this song.

Mansae ends. Boom Boom starts.

You may notice by now that my fancams usually starts with Jeonghan singing. It’s just because I love him so much. :3 Also, Hoshi in sleeveless tops are the death of me.

After Boom Boom ended, the members returned to their respective places to prepare for the next stage. Well, everyone but two, S.Coups and Wonwoo.

They are holding the ‘Going Seventeen’ camera and doing little talk sessions with us. S.Coups is quite known with his sweet talks. Basically S.Coups is just babying us Carats to the point where Wonwoo said ‘If you guys could scream loudly, S.Coups hyung will do aegyo’. Oh yeah we screamed alright. Who doesn’t want to see the leader’s aegyo anyways. Once they finished their talk, it marks as the end for the first quarter as well.

After the talks, S.Coups and Wonwoo introduced the next stage. I was expecting a unit performance. And guess what? Yep. We’re going to watch the units in action. First up for the session, Vocal Team.

Click Here (So apparently tumblr doesn’t allow adding more than 5 videos. What a bummer.)

They performed two songs. We Gonna Make It Shine, the new version, and Don’t Listen Secretly.

I have a question. Do Vocal Team sound like angels or angels sounded like Vocal Team? That’s a conspiracy circle that I will always wonder at.

No, for real. They sounded so clear and so good! I took special attention to my biases since I know that they didn’t have much lines compared to the other three. When I was listening... Wow, my ears has never been this blessed. You know the difference in quality between a live broadcast on a music show and actually hearing them live. Like they’re singing in front of you. Their voices are crystal clear. Dokyeom, this guy, never fails to amaze me with his vocals. Seungkwan, can’t say any other thing about his vocal range as well. Woozi, his sweet soft voice is enough for me to squeal on him. Jeonghan, his part snatched my life. Literally. IT WAS THAT GOOD AND IT SUITED HIS VOICE WELL. Joshua, his voice is soft, but not the Woozi kind of soft. It’s soothing enough to sing you a lullaby. I swear I could got diabetes from watching this unit just because how sweet and tender their voices are.

I would like to talk about their performance of Don’t Listen Secretly. It was the second song, right after We Gonna Make It Shine. The stage went dark for a few moments and then when it lights up again, there’s a small setting in the lower back stage that sort of resembles an old Victorian-styled office room. Dokyeom, Joshua, and Seungkwan were sitting in an old-fashioned chair while the remaining two stayed standing. And when the music plays, it got me off guard. The song was remixed in some sort of angsty horror manner and it clicked me. They were doing the Don’t Listen Secretly stage with a vampire concept. These lonely vampires just want some love. XDD

Vocal Team brought the crowd into one with their vocals. Now it’s time for the next unit to lift up the mood again. The visual, I mean, Hip-Hop Team is up next!

Click Here

They performed two songs. 언행일치 and Check In. To be honest, I haven’t laid my ear on the first song. So I got a little confused with the it. I was expecting for either 기대 or Fronting. But oh well, I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed the other songs. The once mellow atmosphere that the Vocal Team set was turned into something hot like Show Me The Money.

What can I say about them? They’re called visuals for a reason. Wonwoo, Jeon Wonwoo, especially him. To me, he was the member that looks BEST when I see the live. Like, he has this stage presence that could captivate the whole audience hearts. He’s what I call, the bias wrecker.

Second song, Check In. See, I was actually glad that this song was performed. Because of that one line, that one specific line, that goes ‘Yeah I check in Jakarta City~’. And yes, that part was the most lit one in my case, or rather, in the audiences case. Because they’re singing that line in the very same place. The crowd goes wild when they got to that part. It was lit. I could feel the tension and the burning atmosphere. Feels like I’m watching Unpretty Rap Star or something.

Last unit is up! And the air just got even hotter.

Click Here

Performance Team, the multi-talented unit. Rap? Check. Vocals? Check. Dance? They are called for that. They got on stage in full whites and started performing their signature song, OMG, as their first song. What’s interesting is this performance of OMG had a mix of rock music in it. Who knew that EDM would sound so majestic when you add a pinch of Rock into it? Now I’m wishing I had the clean version of this remix...

Following the next song, which is by far my favorite song from the unit, Highlight.

GODDAMN WHY ARE THEY SO HOT? They were literally covered with burning aura, no kidding. Like, Even when I’m not that close to the stage, and their aura just spreads everywhere like wildfire. It was hot in the concert hall thanks to this unit. And boy, they even added a dance break to this performance. The whole hall just felt like an oven. Hip-Hop Team was lit, but Performance Team is on fire at this rate.

Second quarter of the concert passed. Time for the real deal. Because everything hyped always happens at the third quarter. (Wth, this ain’t basketball)

The atmosphere was still hot as ever. Perhaps Performance Team set the temperature a bit too high. Hall was dark, until I saw the screen turning all red and displaying a visualization of flames. Wow shit, it’s gonna get ugly, in a good way. Click Here And as I expected, it’s gonna be lit for the rest of the quarter. The first song is ‘Crazy in Love’, my favorite song from the latest album. With all the red themed visualizations, and Seventeen wearing red, I’m practically a boiling water at this rate. Also, during Mingyu’s ‘Can’t stop it, neukkim, woo!’, I had the urge to dab. Just because I saw Wonwoo doing so during their dance practice. And yea, I dabbed. Click Here Click Here As if the torture wasn’t enough, they continued with another series of unit performances. This time it goes by the order : Vocal, Performance, and Hip-Hop Team. THEY ARE ALL FLAWLESS! And I figured, this quarter is the time where the fully perform their songs from their latest album. Minus Swimming Fool. Performance Team sent Jun and The8 to perform their duet song.  Boy, there’s a bit of hot moment during their performance that made the crowd go crazy. (I don’t have the footage of Jun and The8′s performance. Sorry.) Finished with the unit performances. It’s Talk Time again! They did a lot of commentaries about the stage they just did, Indonesian Carats, and they did a little bit of dance battle! Click Here Joshua is just the cutest fluffball. And the leaders tho. Not forgetting to mention the amazing Diva Boo. His dances is literally the most lit one in my opinion. And last but not least, Wonwoo demonstrated Hip-Hop Team’s dance for their ‘If I’ stage. The moment he did that, I saw heaven. :’)) Click Here After they finished the dance battle, the performance continues to again, my personal favorites. Rock and Chuck. Now that the concert has finally come to an end, well, you know what I mean. They expressed their gratitude and the last song soon follows. The song we’ve been waiting for.

Click Here

I would like to point out a few stuffs that I didn’t get to record. Before the actual song was starting, there was a dance part performed by Dokyeom, and maybe, Jeonghan? I couldn’t see clearly because he was facing the opposite side. BUT HEY. THAT WAS THE MOST MAJESTIC THING I’VE EVER WITNESS. Jeonghan is a blessing. ;’))

The song finished. The screen went black. And the crowd?

‘ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!’

Before the encore stage played, there was a VCR showing each of Seventeen’s members thoughts about Carats. To them, Carats are their energy, friend, air, something they could never live without. To sum up, Carats are their everything. What a sweet bunch of boys.

And the VCR ends... When another voice continues.

‘Slip into the Diamond Life...’

WOW. Just wow. Everyone showed up with their Diamond Edge tee. You know, the pink and blue one. Basically everything is so hyped and there was a lot of fanservice going on.

Click Here Click Here

That was so lit! It really brings back a lot of memories to me knowing that I’ve liked Seventeen back when they were still on Seventeen TV. I kinda teared up a bit despite the song being an upbeat one. Memories will be forever...

And the next song, the very last song, really makes the crowd heals. Yep, it’s Healing. :)

Click Here

There was a fan project going on. And everything went really smoothly. I hope we got the be in the next episode of Going Seventeen. Teehee~

As the song ends, it is finally the time to say goodbye. They bid their messages to us. And I’m surprised that they actually brought up a lot of memories during their tour last year. Mingyu, Jeonghan, Seungkwan, S.Coups, Hoshi, Dokyeom, and Vernon talked about their first ever visit to Indonesia last year. I’m ... Impressed actually. I assume that maybe, Indonesia left a good impression to them.  So they were actually pretty glad to visit here again. And I’m glad that they are glad to feel that way.

It’s finally the time to say goodbye. For real. But I clearly remembered Mingyu’s words.

‘If you live your life happily while you’re waiting for us, I’m sure that the next time we meet will come faster.’

I’m taking that as a promise that one day, they will return. And the day of their return, I’ll be there to watch them again.

Looking back to that moment, I’ve never been so blessed in my entire life that I could finally meet them in such a close distance.

As I reflect on Mingyu’s words, I made a new promise to myself...

I will meet them again one day, in a closer distance. Where I can fully immerse myself in their stage presence.

And that closes the story of my amazing night with my boys, Seventeen. And my family, the Rose Quartz and Serenity.

WALLS REVIEW

i’m back for my review of walls!!

kill my mind: the perfect opening for the album & to announce the new era. i remember listening to it for the first time and my jaw dropping because i didn’t expect that sound & at the same time, it made total sense. it’s not my favorite genre personally but this track is so audacious and amazing. it’s probably the one that is the most different from louis’ previous sounds (in the band or solo stuff) and he’s giving us LIFE with the pop punk bop we always dreamed of. his voice is unique in every song but it especially stands out in this one, particularly at the beginning of the track. it’s such a fierce catchy and energetic track, you want to scream it at the top of your lungs. this is the type of song that makes the crowd lose its shit live. can’t wait to see it. the gimmicks in this one (the aaaah aaah part and the kill my kill my at the end mostly) are so clever, you hear them one time and boom, they can’t leave your mind, it’s witchcraft. i love the contrast between the very high and very low notes, they’re just perfection. AND THE BELTING!!! it’s hot. the earlier pop inspirations are pretty much there and it’s such a wonderful tribute. no wonder why louis loves this track so much. it’s gold and very very bold. 

don’t let it break your heart: see, the first time i listened to the new tracks (at ccme), i was instantly captivated by defenceless & habit. dliby was not a favorite instantly. but it became one. i don’t know why THE FUCK i didn’t pick as a favorite right on the spot. because it is a godsent. like hell!!! the nostalgia!! the raw emotion!! the hope it’s giving you!! the goosebumps!! and OH MY GOD louis’ voice in his...one of his best vocals. like period. it’s so soft and so strong at the same time. it’s so full of feelings, like the vulnerability!! the song speaks to me so much. AND OH MY GOD THE ALBUM VERSION!!! the single one was already extraordinary but the album arrangment makes it even more perfect and delicate!!! the writing in this one makes me cry, it’s so to the point and honest, like you can feel his heart beating in it. it’s the kind of music you carry with you. i know decades from now, it will remind me of my youth and the happy times i had back then. god i’m already sobbing.

two of us: honestly, there are no words for this one. it’s above everything. it’s without a doubt louis’ most personal and gutwrenching track. it’s not the one i listen to the most because it’s painful and so real. you can feel every crack, every hurdle, every tear, every ounce of desperation, every bit of newfound hope. i have a personal connection to this one because i experienced what louis is talking about. i lost my dad when i was 16, a little younger than louis. and oh my god the words he uses to talk about it and his grief is what i felt and still feel. those songs where EVERY WORD could be applied to you and your situation almost never happen. it’s a miracle. so yeah, it hurts to listen to it. but it also makes me really happy. i feel understood, i feel a kinship to him. and while i have no doubt everyone can relate to this song and have it resonating with them, losing a parent is a very specific kind of grief. and i never saw someone describing it so well in a song. his voice is so angelic in this. it’s so controlled but at the same time it’s on the verge of collapsing everytime and never does. god. if i had to pick a song to have as a tattoo, i will pick this one for sure. what a masterpiece.

we made it: BLOODY WE MADE IT. one of the most IN YOUR FACE larry songs out of walls (even if they all are) and i’m dying. it’s easily in my top 3 of louis’ songs performed live. THE POWER. THE CERTAINTY OF IT ALL. like his voice is so assured in this while still being able to be vulnerable and fragile. HOW?? HOW CAN YOU DO IT?? it’s one of the sappiest love songs i’ve ever heard but those are my weakness and fave. what a beautiful declaration. the lyrics are...well i still can’t believe they’re real. he deadass told us everything about his relationship with harry and how they were able to overcome all the obstacles thrown in their faces. in terms of melody, it’s a 10000000/10. you can’t help but sing it with him. it’s wonderfully produced, like the best kind of pop. it has a bit of those oasis vibes (walls and dlibyh also have them) which i’m a HUGE fan of. it’s such an effective single, like i can’t even count the times i listened to it. fucking treasure.

too young: another case of a song i adored the minute i listened to it, but it wasn’t as intense as with others. now it’s truly one of my most cherished tracks out of the album. the opening lines simply kill you, it’s whispered, it’s tender, it’s!!!! too much for my heart!! i’m swooning. i love that he doesn’t push his voice there, it stays at a low level and it makes it even more louder, in a way?? you feel like he’s speaking to only one person (who?? i wonder...), it’s so intimate i almost feel like intruding?? it’s a fucking gift. in terms of writing, it’s also one of my favorite because there are no filters. it tells the story without fear. louis just spilled his whole heart out in his track and that’s so fucking admirable. a jewel we need to protect.

walls: FIRST THE FUCKING INSTRUMENTAL. it fucking ruined me. someone said this song was like a late night conversation and it’s true. walls is probably the song that shows his personal growth the most, like louis couldn’t have written this song five years ago. it’s so grown. it’s so wise. so full of life and conclusions you made. it’s peaceful. it’s reassuring. i don’t know how a song can make you feel all of that but it does. and the lyrics are one of his best. it’s so significative at times (the goodbyes line for example), but metaphorical also (the cardboard full of clothes lines IS GENIUS and the walls one...obviously the best) and opening the song with a sentence and ending it with it is...pure magic. it’s clever but not only. it shows how much he went through and how he’s healing from it and how it helped him, in a way. and the voice. liquid honey. bye.

habit: legend snapped when he included the princess park line. what a chaotic larrie. i expected nothing less from him. i love the melody, it’s so catchy and happy!! it’s kind of a break after the rollercoaster you just went through. very needed. i’m still having a breakdown over it though. it’s such a cute ballad and beautiful love song. you just wanna move your head to it, it makes you truly happy. sunshine in a song form. like i’m smiling rn. and you can hear louis smiling while singing it too!!! it’s...wow. he’s able to communicate his feelings in a manner no other artist can. i will never get tired of it.

always you: we did our waiting. we were fucking starved. now we’re being fed babes!! miss always you is so iconic. the melody is ingrained in my brain after hundred times of listening to that damn snippet. the things i would do for louis. i love what he does with his voice in this, like he’s changing tones and going from one note to another like a champ. this song is so fucking hard to sing and louis is the ONLY one who can master it. shows how unique his voice is. i’m in love with the high parts and the chorus. dang. that’s a song. tell me that this song isn’t THE SHIT. it’s iconic as fuck. and it’s so lovely. still haven’t recovered from all the baby and home mentions. ALSO the legs wrapped around me line??? kill me please!!! i do not thank you.

fearless: now that’s an adjective that comes to mind while talking about louis. the verses aren’t my favorite melody wise but omg the bridge and the chorus!! he did that!!! it’s also the song where he’s singing the lowest (that head voice bitch) and omg. for now it isn’t in my top but i know it will grow on me and i can’t wait.  the lyrics are amazing nonetheless.

perfect now: we know it’s louis’ least favorite track and it’s mine too. it’s still louis though so still amazing. just like fearless, the verses aren’t my favorite part but same, the bridge and the chorus are wonderful. it’s pretty soft. also this is a song about harry (you steal the scene and it’s unrehearsed??) but some sentences can be applied to family and it’s such a nice & encouraging track to listen to when you think about the people you love. it’s very happy. makes you feel loved and exactly where you should be. and as always, his voice is to die for in it.

defenceless: to the surprise of exactly nobody, it’s my favorite song out of walls. it was love at first sight. you cannot explain it. it just is. in terms of writing, it’s my personal favorite (especially “sleeping on our problems and we’ll solve them in our dreams” which is pure poetry...the talent, the impact...i’m dying. also i put this quote everywhere i could, i’m OBSESSED with it). it tucks at your heartstrings, like it’s a very hopeful song but at the same time it’s full of memory of heartbreaks. i could bawl talking about it. harry and louis’ situation is impossible to describe and to comprehend. the things and contradictory feelings they had to face..i can’t even imagine. but he gives us a full glimpse of it in this song. and it’s so fucking brave to be this honest. it takes so much courage and trust. and i’m just in awe. artistically speaking, it’s a fucking tour de force. but like personally, what it means to louis...oh god. i’m dead. and THE MOTHERFUCKING FALSETTO. louis almost never uses it and oh my god. it’s breathtaking. it’s what you hear when you enter heaven. no one, fucking no one, has this kind of falsetto. it’s so special. it makes me wanna die. it’s too much for my heart. my god.

only the brave: it would have been ALSO my favorite song out of walls it it was longer. because it’s...i’m speechless. also very oasis but very louis. and sorry, but it’s better than oasis will ever be. there i said it. the lyrics are objectively the best out of the album, like i’m a slut for metaphors and they’re everywhere in here. i don’t know how to qualify it really but it has this anthem like quality? i can see the arena and thousands of people singing it back to louis. it reminds me of home in the sense that it’s subtle but very blatant at the same time. like he wrote this for us gay people. that ache is there. the pain. the underlying anger. but the optimism. knowing the hurt but never wishing to go back. the vocal control is incredible in this, i’ll say it again, but the ability to switch to chest voice to head voice back to back...he’s one in a billion. there is an intention behind every line and you can feel it piercing your soul. gimme rest.

4 years in the making. i’m so glad i waited and was besides Louis through it all. i’m so fucking proud i could cry. it’s a masterpiece of an album. it has everything. simply everything. i couldn’t have dreamed something better. the voice, the melodies, the lyrics, the emotion, the confidence, the range, the diversity of sounds, the different influences and the way he’s able to bring the best out of them and make them this, the old pop vibe of it while remaining extra modern..it’s pure art. it’s what art should be. making you feel every emotion the artist wanted you to. no one does it better than louis. god. thank you.

Keshi’s music isn’t for every moment in life, no, instead his music is specific in the situations it hopes to embrace and stamp with its mark. A drive in the dead of night, a fight that ends in forgiveness, a regrettable phone call that still leaves you longing for more. The emotions he articulates in sound are that of human connection, and more so, the balance of positivity and loss it leads towards.

Don’t get it wrong, his music will be there for you whenever you need and want it, but the true power of his lyrics and ideas will strike when you least expect, when you’re lost for an answer and misunderstanding the questions. His music is for souls lost, for souls in love yet confused, for souls dreaming, and for souls of sorrow sick with isolation.

It’s a tender and soft set of production brushed over with a hauntingly vulnerable voice, a voice we all know from our own heads, our own hearts. Keshi is not just a musician, but a reflection of our own insecurities and worries of tomorrow. And in this, in his understanding of the universal fears we all face, he takes our hand and reminds us we’re not alone, and reminds us that no matter what, the sun will continue to rise.

PM: Our first question as always, how's your day?

K: It's been pre good, can't complain. To be honest, the music is starting to take off so fast I can't keep up. Its rewarding in that regard.

PM: Have you found it a little scary since its been picking up?

K: Yeah, it's overwhelming, surprisingly stress-inducing, but it's what I live for. It's the most fulfilling thing.

PM: I'd love to start with your sound and the uniqueness of it. You're someone who has changed their sound but has kept the core elements of it intact. It's definitely more structured as opposed to the classic lo-fi style. Where did change come from, how did it help you as an artist?

K: I've always been a songwriter first, that's always what I've labelled myself as before I even ventured into production. When I think of growing, I think lo-fi as a gateway to production as a whole and the most important thing to me has been to create a soundscape that is very dynamic. I've always tried to do that, no matter what I was making. After some time working acoustically I got really tired of it and kinda got tired of music in general. And that's when the lo-fi started taking off and I was falling in love with certain producers ability to incorporate non-musical elements into their music, like rain or cans popping open. I just thought of music of a series of glued together sounds and lo-fi was the best way to conceptualize that. Of course, the inspirations were tomppabeats, In Love with the Ghost and Joji, and that’s where I was just honing the producing craft, shifting away from just a songwriter.

PM: Other than those who inspired you in a lo-fi way, when you were growing up, what other artists were pushing you to get into music?

K: The very first musician I listened to seriously was John Mayer, and he opened a whole new world for me music wise. He showed me how to do things on the guitar I had no idea you could do. Chord progressions you don't usually hear and unconventional sequences, he was really able to explore the fretboard in that way. He really exposed me to songwriting, which as I mentioned earlier was my first real driving interest. As well, I'd say Drake because after years of John Mayer I just got some listener fatigue, even though I still loved him. But Drake showed me that hip-hop could be melodic and not obnoxious, which was my impression of it at the time. 'Take Care' really changed my views, and honestly, I listened to it really late, like sophomore year in college. And around that time, when I was just so into Drake, was when I had this unfortunate performance in LA and I wanted to quit music. I just realized I had to go back to the drawing board, knowing I had to change something.

PM: Are you able to speak about what happened at the show in LA and what went wrong?

K: Basically I had won this competition in Houston, they then flew me out to LA to perform against the other winners from around the US. When you win a competition like that you feel like you're pretty good at what you do, but once you get to next level with people on your skill level, you realize you aren’t AS great as you thought you were. I guess it was disheartening and I didn't feel like I was being the artist I wanted to be, there was something that was lacking.

PM: And that failure led to the growth and positivity that you're seeing now, I'm guessing?

K: Yeah, it was really that performance that spurred the moments leading up to the creation of Keshi.  I went and made this Soundcloud account under that name, not telling any friends or family, as I wanted to change some aspect of my music without being under scrutiny. At the time the only listeners I had were those friends and family, so to do that was scary and liberating. I felt free to make whatever I wanted, just see what catches on. I really was just making sample-based lo-fi hip hop and trying to practise production. But eventually, I released my first song with lyrics, ‘if you're not the one for me who is’, and it did well for itself, but it wasn't until ‘magnolia’ got picked up by the channel 'Anime Vibes' that things started to really take off. And the thing is with these youtube aggregators like Anime vibe or Ambition is that they really get to help who makes it and who doesn't, they've established this consistency as a curator with a good ear and this relationship with their viewers who trust them, so at that point whatever they feed to their followers they'll eat up. And being there and being put on by that really just sparked what I see before me today.

PM: Does the name Keshi mean something and why did you choose that as the word to represent you?

K: I get this question a lot lately, My name is Casey but my girlfriend and childhood friend is Japanese and every time I go to their house, to this day, still they call me ‘Keshi’, so it's just a username I picked and it was supposed to be anonymous, but still me with a nostalgic charm. I didn't think people would take to it honestly, I thought I would end up under a different name eventually, Keshi was just supposed to be a demo account.

PM: How has being in love and those sort of experiences helped you as a musician and have some of your inspirations grown from that aspect in your life?

K: For sure, in the beginning when I wrote songs they all tended to be love songs. But I feel like the one aspect of the whole relationship ordeal I really like to poke at is the extremely vulnerable state you're in with someone, because not only are they the person who is there for you the most, they're also the one who could hurt you the most due to how close you've allowed them to be. And that bittersweet aspect of love, in general, is something I love to touch on, I have this strong fear of loneliness and that shows up in my music as well. I guess when you delve into everything Keshi says and sings, people may find it romantic, but it's extremely selfish, it's supposed to be an unbalanced raw emotion, which is whiny, and moody, but people can relate to that which I'm glad about.

PM: When you speak, you mention Keshi in the third person, do you see him as a separate person and as a vessel for your creation?

K: I don't really see Keshi as myself, I see him as a separate entity and kind of as a musical project more than anything.

PM: You also have a beautiful arm sleeve tattoo, I was just wondering what that art means to you and what you would say to anyone on the fence about getting them?

K: Thank you, I appreciate the love! To anyone afraid to get them I would just say to go get one, If you're curious about them, you're engaged enough to try them, it's not gonna hurt! In regards to my own, when I went to Japan to meet my girlfriend's family, I wanted to get a traditional tattoo by someone who knows the craft, if you get my gist. I found a guy and he was gracious enough to work with me and give me a beautiful Japanese sleeve.

PM: To look back at your music, you’ve been on this incredible stretch of releasing music that's growing and improving, I wonder what your vision looked like at the beginning compared to now and what's shifted since then?

K: I've always just wanted to make great art, I think that now I've found a really sweet spot in my music where I can do that and I can narrow down on the sounds I want to do. I guess when you start growing you stop looking at the start line and then just start looking at the race; one day you may have 2000 more listeners than the last and you can only think that it's not good enough because last week you had 5000. You need to step yourself away and become grateful for where you are and what you've done. Don't stop chasing the dream but don't lose sight of the growth.

PM: As well, do you have any upcoming projects people should look out for and how does it compare to previous work?

K: I think the stuff recently has been a progression since the earlier music, more dynamic and =more energized than before. I do have a project on the way hopefully around November-December, it'll be an EP with '2 soon' included. The songs are done, I'd like to announce the songs are finished. At this point it's an internal conflict of when to release and how to market them. I don't want to give too much away, but long story short, I've got shows planned for January and the dates will be announced soon, and the first show will be in LA.

PM: How are you preparing yourself this time for performing in LA and having a good experience?

K: Back then I didn't have an idea of what I wanted to be, but Keshi is so fleshed out and he knows who he is and what music he wants to do. At this point, I need to get some equipment sorted out and then we're good to go, it'll be an amazing show.

PM: What would you say is your favorite song of your own and why?

K: It's definitely 'if you're not the one for me who is', for a couple of reasons. The first is because it conceptualized Keshi and what he is today. But the main reason is that it explores this duality of relationships I was talking about earlier, explained perfectly with the title. On one side of the coin, the aspect of having only one person who matters so much in the world, but also the fear of loneliness because if they're not the right one, then who else could be? I loved that dichotomy.

PM: Do you have a favourite video game of all time?

K: Holy shit yes. It’s gotta be Nier: Automata, oh my god that game changed my world. It came out a year ago and was a really revolutionary beat em up game kinda like Devil May Cry, it was just so artistic and beautiful.

PM: What would you say has been the best memory of last year, something that sticks out as super positive and special to you?

K: I haven't told anyone this, but basically I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so I just ended up where I am today. Kinda dreading work and dragging my feet. At the beginning, I wanted to go to Berkeley School of Music, which is every kid interested in music’s dream. Of course, my parents pushed me to something stable, and I always resented that decision. But because I didn't, I'm here now, if I went there I would've been doing something different and Keshi wouldn't exist. Well, one day at my day job I got a message from a guy who's attending Berkeley and he was telling me how he loved my work and was wondering how the hell I did what I was doing. I was just so stunned, I don't know if it was irony, the whole time I wanted to go to this place but in the end, I didn't really have to go. It really was the most validating for my music and knowing I was doing the right thing.

PM: Do you have anyone to shout out or anything to promote? The floor is yours!

K: So, as I said, I have shows getting ready in January and there is new music coming soon, thank you so much for listening and thanks so much for taking the time to get to know me a little bit better.

Follow Keshi on Instagram and Twitter

Listen on Spotify and Apple Music

Death Cab For Cutie – Transatlanticism

Transatlanticism is my favorite album of all time. Death Cab For Cutie’s fourth album, released fifteen years ago today, is the band’s second concept album. Transatlanticism centers itself around long-distance love, with both its strengths and downfalls. Ben Gibbard, the band’s soft-sung lead vocalist, lyricist, and guitarist, penned the term “transatlanticism” to express the unfathomable emotional space between two young lovers. The distance Gibbard discusses feels impenetrable. Transatlanticism sees Death Cab For Cutie experimenting with soft-loud dynamics (“Transatlanticism”, “We Looked Like Giants”), perfecting the gorgeous quiet track (“Lightness”, “A Lack of Color”), and witnesses them pushing themselves to go all-out and produce the flawless pop song (“The Sound Of Settling”). Completing all of this is the efforts of guitarist, co-writer and producer Chris Walla. Walla’s lo-fi production is perfect for Transatlanticism. Fifteen years later, and Transatlanticism still sounds incredibly rich and indulgent, yet also warm and intimate. Album opener, “The New Year,” is the first of many tracks to achieve the band’s main goal while working on Transatlanticism. Prior to the release of the album, Gibbard had this to say: We’ve tried to construct it with transitions of songs going in and out of each other, and I think it’s a little bit more expansive than the last record. Immediately, “The New Year” catapults listeners into Transatlanticism’s sweeping world, beginning with a rumbling train; ascending before the arrival of crashing guitars coupled with glowing, bright drumming. In “The New Year”, Gibbard recalls the absurdity of things like “New Year’s resolutions”, admitting: “so this is the New Year / and I don’t feel any different” then, in the second verse: “so this is the New Year, and I have no resolutions”. He also reminisces for simpler times, the periods where “the world was flat like the old days,” so he and his partner could travel to see each other by “folding a map.” Gibbard desires to rebel against distance, but instead, he, unfortunately, comes across as defeated. Transatlanticism explores the agony and challenges of long-distance love further in its runtime, but why should I rush myself? After “The New Year” is the misleadingly beautiful “Lightness.” It’s the first track that encapsulates Death Cab For Cutie’s vision of having songs transition in and out of each other, as “Lightness” flows from “The New Year” in stunning fashion. You don’t even feel it. “Lightness” follows Gibbard as he attempts to create a convincing argument to remain faithful, but ultimately accepts that his thoughts of disloyalty go against what he feels is right. His voice quavers as he tries to strongly declare: “you shouldn’t think what you’re feeling.” It’s brutally honest, in turn making “Title And Registration,” the next track, increasingly heartbreaking. Fun story: I was a foolish teenager who downloaded Transatlanticism from good old Limewire. The download didn’t include “Title And Registration.” I embarrassingly listened for months, not realizing a track was missing, a track I came to love dearly… Anyway, “Title And Registration” finds Gibbard in the devastating aftermath of a significant relationship breakdown. He rummages through the (incorrectly named) glove compartment, just to find “souvenirs from better times” – the souvenirs can be perceived as various trinkets his ex forgot in the car, as well as some photos. “Title And Registration” becomes more desolate when Gibbard recognizes that “there’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade.” Ben Gibbard is a master of capturing the beauty and ugliness of human emotion, as well as the full depth held inside the spectrum of human emotion. Where Death Cab For Cutie seems to thrive the most is in the under-appreciated beauty, “Expo ‘86”. The track sees the band firing on all cylinders: a mellow start, an exciting chorus and bridge, descending piano, and a wonderful juxtaposition between melancholy lyrics paired with extremely catchy music. “Expo ‘86” delves into the toxicity of repeated cycles – “sometimes I think this cycle never ends / we slide from top to bottom then we slide and turn again”, and for listeners who struggle with anxiety as I have, Ben Gibbard captures the uneasy dread of our day to day lives: “I am waiting for something to go wrong / I am waiting for familiar resolve / I am waiting for another repeat / another diet fed by crippling defeat”. With “Expo ‘86”, Death Cab For Cutie assisted confused teenage-me in identifying issues I couldn’t voice yet. I’m not sure if the band knew that this song, as well as the rest of Transatlanticism, really, would be so very helpful for legions of fans years down the track. “Expo ‘86” gave me solace when I desperately needed it. For that, I am eternally grateful. “Expo ‘86” isn’t the only song that makes use of a superb contrast between saddening lyrics and catchy music. “The Sound Of Settling,” a track Ben Gibbard initially disliked but was urged to leave on the record by Chris Walla (thank you, Chris), does it again. It’s a song that quickly turns out to be layered and huge. Opening with a pressing guitar, “The Sound Of Settling” is joined by Nick Harmer’s groovy bass line and Jason McGerr’s urgent drumming. For the first time, Transatlanticism is actually quite amusing, but still so sad: “and I’ll sit and wonder of every love that could have been / if I’d only thought of something charming to say.” It’s a tragic view of what life could be like if we didn’t take any risks. However, “The Sound Of Settling” doesn’t even come close to what the one-two punch of “Tiny Vessels” and “Transatlanticism” make me feel. For a long time, I couldn’t listen to “Tiny Vessels.” It’s a song concerning unrequited love, but on the other side of things. It’s cruel. I do applaud Ben Gibbard for writing the song now; it’s gutsy and emotive, perhaps these stories need to be told, too. But, when Gibbard gently sings “this is the moment that you know / that you told her that you loved her, but you don’t,” I instantly lose it. I’m transported back to a specific, very painful time in my life where my first partner was unfaithful. I’m left wishing he could be as blunt as Gibbard is in this song. As hurtful as “and you are beautiful, but you don’t mean a thing to me” would be to hear, it’s better than the alternative I had to reckon with. Coupled with mournful, swelling guitars and an explosive climax, “Tiny Vessels” remains an emotional powerhouse to this day. Then, there’s the immaculate title track. “Transatlanticism,” to me, is Death Cab For Cutie’s musical and lyrical magnum opus. It opens on a tender note. For half the song, it’s just Ben Gibbard’s voice accompanied by the piano. It’s a tale of the woes of long-distance love – Gibbard is simply beaten here: “the distance is quite simply too far for me to row / it seems farther than ever before.” The overwhelmed nature of “Transatlanticism” isn’t here to stay, though. Before you even realize it, the track opens itself up, developing a romantic swirling experience of both catharsis and celebration. The percussion and piano combined are almost deafening – I can only imagine what it’s like when performed live. Simply and sadly, Gibbard murmurs, “I need you so much closer.” The despair takes over, and multiple voices join Gibbard, wailing, “so come on.” Since October 7, 2003, “Transatlanticism” has soundtracked countless long-distance relationships, including my own. Where “Tiny Vessels” breaks my heart, “Transatlanticism” encourages hope and the release of pent-up emotion. Things get pretty interesting late in Transatlanticism, as “Passenger Seat” is the first happy song on the album. It’s solely Gibbard and a piano, and like “Transatlanticism” before it, “Passenger Seat” is majestic. Gibbard takes us on a road trip where he explores unconditional love. I can’t say for sure whether the duos he speaks of are soul mates or parent and child; you decide how you’d like to interpret it. “Passenger Seat” finds Gibbard feeling utterly safe and deems this person trustworthy: “with my feet on the dash, the world doesn’t matter.” This is a song of deep love and security. When Gibbard resoundingly declares, “when you feel embarrassed, then I’ll be your pride / when you need directions, then I’ll be the guide,” I can’t help hoping I can be that person for my partner, “for all time.” Transatlanticism’s final two tracks keep up the honesty and continue dissecting stories of love. Although, they couldn’t be any further apart sonically or in subject matter. Transatlanticism is a mostly mellow album, until the exhilarating penultimate track, “We Looked Like Giants” begins. The song builds and builds, from opening with droning guitar to the blend of beautiful, melodic piano and steady drums, to all-out jamming. From the moment “We Looked Like Giants” bursts into gear, the band fight to keep the bombastic vibe of the track. “We Looked Like Giants” is incredibly sentimental, seeing Gibbard evoking memories of first love and first sexual experiences. He’s visibly infatuated, and can’t keep his excitement to himself as he croons, “I don’t know about you, but I swear on my name they could smell it on me.” Gibbard also reveals the wonderful feeling of sharing music you love with someone you’re smitten with, looking back with endearment: “do you remember the J.A.M.C. (The Jesus And Mary Chain, who Gibbard himself is a fan of), and reading aloud from magazines?” It’s almost a shame that Transatlanticism doesn’t end there. But, it wouldn’t be right to close Transatlanticism on any song that isn’t “A Lack Of Color.” The closing track, “A Lack Of Color,” has a calming quality about it. However, “A Lack Of Color” ends Transatlanticism on a solemn note. The hushed ballad surveys Gibbard deceiving himself, “and when I see you, I really see you upside down,” and studies opposites: heart vs. brain, “fact not fiction,” before reaching a shattering ending. “A Lack Of Color” is mournfully honest. It’s an acoustic ballad done right. It’s short and not so sweet – thematically, anyway, and transitions all the way back to “The New Year,” with the rumbling, ascending train making its return. My heart falters when Gibbard chants, “I should have given you a reason to stay.” By the end of Transatlanticism, Ben Gibbard accepts that he’s alone. “A Lack Of Color” doesn’t tie up the album with a pretty red bow, and thank goodness for that. Transatlanticism saw Death Cab For Cutie undertake a brave, large sonic leap by sticking to their instincts, resulting in an album that’s equally expansive and personally affecting. I first discovered Transatlanticism when I was 15 years old. Today, Transatlanticism turns fifteen. I can’t begin to explain how much I’ve grown and changed in the last seven years, but I can be assured that no matter what path I go down in my life, Transatlanticism will always provide an immense sense of comfort. It’s still my go-to album on a crisp autumn or winter’s day. Transatlanticism still invites nostalgia, motivates me to frequently remind my loved ones just how much I love them, and one day soon, the album art will be my first tattoo. It’s a journey, from the incoming train circling “The New Year,” making its way back to “A Lack Of Color.” The stories enclosed in this record are all stories we know, understand, but might not have articulated ourselves. As a result of that, Ben Gibbard comes across as an old friend. The instrumentation and production envelop listeners in warmth to this day. Death Cab For Cutie captured magic with Transatlanticism. Even now, its core concepts, transitions, fuzzy arrangements, and lofty ambitions are inspirational, to musicians and fans alike. Simplicity is beauty, less is more – I’ve always strongly believed in those statements, and that’s where Death Cab For Cutie find their biggest strength. Transatlanticism is supremely relatable, dramatic yet restrained, and its humble power will endure for many more years to come. --- Please consider supporting us so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/review/retrospective/death-cab-for-cutie-transatlanticism/