Had a bit of a “regression” this past week where I had stumbled upon and subsequently ripped open an old wound.

I’m always trying to shed my grudges, but their claws are sunk pretty deeply nonetheless. Between the gaslighting and the casual disregard, it’s hard to find any closure. I have to make my own.

I broke my carbon pencil 3 times, at which point I had to call it quits.

fic writer meme

Thank you @smilebackwards for tagging me!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 33

2. What's your total Ao3 word count? 1,855,326 per my stats page - it's kind of wild!

3. What fandoms do you write for? My current two mains are Shadowhunters and Fast and Furious. I have in the past posted stories for Daredevil, Merlin, Harry Potter, Torchwood, The Defenders, Sherlock, Four Brothers and Suits. I have other fandoms I've started fics in but not finished/posted

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Day Forty Seven [7055] Set Free [4285] Marked in Trust [4132] Listen [3934] Four Centuries and Also Nineteen Years [3876]

5. Do you respond to comments? I respond to all comments while the story is in progress and then for probably a couple of months after it ends before I stop. Unless someone asks a specific question, then I always respond. I wish I could do all of them ever but life makes it hard.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I almost answered none of them before I remembered Addicted, which is about Brian and Dom hooking up during the first movie which I mostly wrote to prove to myself I could do smut. I'm pretty sure it ends with Brian realizing Mia (who he's supposed to be maybe getting together with as per the movie) heard them do that and Dom knew she would and from there Brian understanding that they're imploding even without him and the FBI.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Literally all the others, lol. I'm a happy ending girlie.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Yes, in the Shadowhunters fandom if I write Jace as a good parabatai. Occasionally for if I write Isabelle as a good sister or Clary as not a total piece of shit. Also sometimes if I write Alec in a way that suggests maybe Magnus isn't the greatest in the world who has suffered more than Alec ever will.

9. Do you write smut? Yes but I generally prefer the fade to black approach

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written? I've never written a crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of I don't think. I don't even know if I would want to know, like that would consume me in the worst way

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, but not as Marchling. All of the comments were telling me that the translator was changing things and it was a bad translation and the person doing it was getting really weird. It was just like a nightmare kind of so now I request no one translate my fics. I'm sure someone would do it better and I'm just being all oversensitive because I got burned once but I'd rather just not go down that road again.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, but also not as Marchling.

14. What's your all time favorite ship? I honestly don't think I have one, it really depends on my mood.

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Oh absolutely. I have a couple of Shadowhunters stories that I doubt will ever be finished because they just don't want to be written I think. I love the ideas but the ideas don't love me

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I write dialogue well. I try to make sure that I include some sort of realistic recovery even if the story is shorter. I like to experiment with formatting to help tell the story and I think it's generally effective

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I can't write drabbles. I am not good at action scenes. I don't do enough description.

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics? I've been corrected in the comments more than once, lol. I like to do the dialogue in another language but write the English in italics so even if I'm wrong everyone still knows what it was meant to be.

19. First fandom you wrote for? I was like 11 or 12 and I posted my first two stories at the same time. One for a fandom I won't name because they're still out there and it's small enough you could find them and I'd rather die. The other for Angel the TV series. I got more comments on the other fandom one and so I was embarrassed that the Angel one got way less and I deleted it lmao. Did I mention I was in middle school?

20. Favorite fic you have written? I am so proud of so many of my stories but I think the Marked in Trust series is always going to be just the tiniest bit extra special in my heart.

tagging literally anyone who wants to play

okay i did something ridiculously cool today and i gotta talk about it somewhere!!!

so i love D&D that’s not news, i run multiple campaigns, and i also happen to have a ridiculous amount of dice. my dice addiction got out of hand a few years ago and just kind of exploded from there, i have no idea how many sets i have now, but i love them all equally (that’s a lie, but shh)

at first to store them i made myself a very simplistic dice pouch, but grew frustrated with having to search to find each kind of die amidst the bulk of them. then, i bought a dice box with multiple compartments and painted it with a unique design. i’ve been using the box to keep my dice stored for a long time, but the collection is fast outgrowing the box

now, thing is, i’ve been in love with Laura Bailey’s giant multi-pocket dice bags for literally years - ever since I saw her very first one that she had for Vex. i searched everywhere online for something similar after discovering those were by commission only and far outside my price range, and i found a few other sellers on Etsy with multi-pocket designs, but here’s the kicker: every single design was 4, or 6, or 8 pockets. every single one, even Critical Role’s dice bags of hoarding

and how many dice come in a polyhedral D&D dice set?

seven

i was twitching violently that there wasn’t a single seller pitching a 7 pocket dice bag. 8 pockets is too many - one would perpetually be empty. i could split one of the sizes of dice up, but that would bother me, because i am weird. 6 pockets was too few, i’d have to combine the d10s and d100s and there’d be double the dice in that pocket and that would bother me (running theme here). i realized, having some very minor experience with sewing, the problem here was that an uneven amount of pockets complicates the design/pattern massively. even numbers of pockets makes the design simpler, straightforward, even easy once you know what you’re doing. seven pockets? there’s a reason it hasn’t been done before

so there was only one thing to do (or, well, five things to do)

1. i’d have to remember how to sew (having done all of maybe 3 minor sewing projects over the course of my lifetime, all within the last 6 years, lol)

2. i’d have to set up my new sewing machine that i got for my birthday (which i have no idea how to do, loller)

3. i’d have to then design a completely original pattern (never done that either, son of lol)

4. i’d have to make a prototype out of whatever was available (paper towel and staples, not even kidding)

5. and if that prototype worked, i’d then have to make a fabric prototype from scraps and keep making it over and over until i could actually complete a successful, functional, never done before seven pocket dice bag

and y’all

y’all

i fucking DID it

I FUCKING DID IT

there were tears! there were furious sobs of hysterical frustration! there was enraged ripping of fabric and accidental bending of machine needles! there was a very melodramatic episode of running out of all the black thread in the house (fucking HOW) and racing out to the shops for more! but in the end, somehow, after 3 straight days of multiple scrap fabric prototypes and failure after failure, i made it and it worked

and now, i am fucking exhausted and i am going to BED but here’s some pictures of my baby!!

the original paper towel prototype:

the first fabric prototype, a HUGE failure. the gap in the middle of the inner webbing was a problem to solve, and the outer case was way, way too big and had to be fully revised

and finally, prototype #3, my second fabric prototype and my first full success - and yes, she’s ugly and made of scraps, but she’s still my baby goddammit

and now you’ve seen the world’s first (probably not, but shh let me have this) seven pocket dice bag!!

20 questions for fic writers!

Thank you for tagging me @thotpuppy! I'm reading everybody's answers, it's so fun!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

46. Though only 14 of them in English.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

582,115 holy shit

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Teen Wolf. I've translated for Sherlock before, though.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. The Happiest of All (Sterek, Explicit, 32,5k, ER, Angst, Miscommunication, Stiles runs away from Derek thinking it's for the best. He's wrong) 2. Untouchable (Sterek, Explicit, 17,1k, ABO, Univesity!AU, Courting, Stiles is the new hot omega, bad boy!Derek is the only one allowed to get close) 3. Safe (Sterek, Not Rated, 974, ER, TW Movie Fix-it.) 4. Wait For Me (Sterek, Mature, 64,6k, Spark!Stiles, Cursed sterek, very soft and desperate, forever love) 5. Treasure (Sterek, Explicit, 71,2k, Historical AU, Courting, Heavy Angst, Derek saves Stiles and baby Eli from gold-digging suitors in the most feral and tender way possible)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I answer each and every one, except for emojis. I also stopped responding to comments on Safe because it exploded so quickly and there was an avalanche of comments and I got anxious and I'm still overwhelmed SORRY

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I cannot decide between Wait For Me and Treasure. In both Stiles loses people, willingly or not, and it's devastating that this is something he will have to live with. But both have happy endings, don't worry.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Lmao, it's pwp Devoured (Sterek, Explicit, 5,2k, Sex God!Derek, Human Sacrifice!Stiles). I mean, Stiles is getting fucked by Derek in front of the dozens of deities, and everyone is jealous of them.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, people have been very nice to me. Some people don't like how soft my Stiles is but it's whatever. However, I anticipate the hate from a certain character defense squad for the fic that's coming out in November. I hope they'll never find it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep. It's porn with feelings. And they MUST hold hands. Stiles moans and whimpers and Derek has a filthy mouth. Both are feral sluts for each other. Also monsterfucking. It's Derek Hale's fault, don't look at me, look at his tiddies

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, and, please, don't start

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. Though, I, myself, translated a lot of fics. It's a unique and wonderful experience. I don't think authors realize how deep into their heads we crawl, how we dissect every paragraph, every sentence, how much we immerse ourselves to convey what the author was trying to say. Some fics I banged my head over, they were so hard to translate. Others were so easy and wonderful, it was a joy to work with them. Yes, the last one was Waiting by isthatbloodonhisshirt. I fucking loved working on it so much.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I don't see myself doing so.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

STEREK

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Listen. Mutual pining!Sterek, established!Cordia. In order to save the pack from the Monster of the Week, Stiles and Lydia have to work together to defeat it, and they cannot tell anybody what they're doing bc the pack will die if they do. Naturally, the cheating rumors start. Cora is furious, Derek is devastated. Stiles and Lydia see how much it hurts their loved ones, but they would rather have them heartbroken than dead. Only when Stiles kisses Derek goodbye before going to die for his pack, do they realize that something's amiss. It's so angsty and so epic and I've had this idea for over a year.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Purple prose. Conveying emotions. ANGST. I will make it my life mission to make my readers cry.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes (including smut because sex is an action scene). Sentences have to be quick, short, with lots of verbs and not a lot of time for emotions. I am not made for that! I try, though, I'm learning, HOLD ON. I also take a long time preparing for super emotional scenes, I just sit there and stare at the monitor and breathe anxiously.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Not a full dialogue, but small words like endearments HELL YES! I had an absolute blast with Treasure, having Stiles call Eli cute pet names in Polish. I feel somewhat comfortable with including Polish, bc my native language has the same/similar roots (?), so I understand when the Google Translate is spewing bullshit at me. I'd love Derek to speak more Spanish, but I know that GT is shit, so I have to stay away. Believe me, I know what it's like to read something in your native language and cringe bc of how wrong it is.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Sigh. Sherlock. I translated a fic and it ended up being an overnight hit and it's still the most popular Johnlock fic I've ever translated. The first fic I wrote myself was for Teen Wolf, Sterek. I would probably die from cringe if I looked at it now.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Treasure MY BABY MY LOVE MY FAVORITE CHILD ugh I'm so proud of it, of Stiles, of Eli and Derek in it. It's incredibly raw. I'm also currently writing a fic that's going to come very close to being my favourite. Maybe, even surpass Treasure. But now, I can say with all my heart that Treasure is my best work. Second is The Happiest of All.

This has been insightful and fun. Not tagging anyone, feeling shy, if you want you can steal the questions (hidden below)

20 questions for fic writers!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

16. What are your writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Hey, y'all! It's been very long since I've posted anything... (it probably would have been months but anyways) I was just here to say some things that I've been reflecting on too much and I've finally decided to say it out. It's not such a big topic, or an important one, and I think we all, Milevens relate it to it in some case.

So yeah... I was inactive. And I srsly don't know how long it have been since I last visited Tumblr. This is the first post in a long time, and maybe it could be the last one too. The reason behind this was (obviously we all know) the constant ship wars between mileven and by/er stans.

When I first opened my blog as a Mileven shipper, I did not want to fight over something, instead just wanted to be myself, enjoying my ship. The same went with Twitter too, but obviously it wasn't happening.

By/ers constantly attacking every mileven post and making delusional clues were hard to ignore. At some point, I was furious with all of these posts, so I started to defend my ship and as I did, I felt some kind of satisfaction that my ship is the right one and yes, I should continue shipping it.

But as the time was passing by, I became tired. Some by/ers started coming @ me for a response, asking "why do I even ship mileven" or "what do you like abt them when they're toxic af", and after that they also start pointing out why their ship is better, which I still find annoying.

I tried to answer them as much as I could but then them completely ignoring my point and just coming back to the starting was totally rude. If they don't want to believe what I say, then it's completely fine. But not even respecting my opinion and just talk past through it?

I started to get tired of all this and tried to ignore them but then they came with a conclusion that "you're scared to face the reality and that's what you all do"

Not only once, it has happened a tons of times. On YouTube, Instagram, Twitter etc. there a lot of toxic by/ers attacking me for even posting some mileven content like wth?? Now I can't even post anything in peace??

So getting tired from all that, I decided that I should just get out from the mileven fandom. I know, it's silly and completely childish to back up after being into this fandom for nearly 8 years, but now it's just getting frustrating.

I love Mileven. I seriously do. But I can't ship them when other shippers can't respect other's ship. It's enough now.

Honestly, when I came here today, I was so happy that there are still positive Milevens out there, who are not bothered of all this and I think they have suffered worse from what I did but still enjoying the ship in peace.

I wish you all the best of luck into this journey and I hope that our beloved Mileven becomes endgame. And when it will, I will come back. To celebrate that joy that we all Milevens are longing for.

-Have a good day, ya'll!

If Mike doesn’t reciprocate Will’s feelings, then I really don’t understand what happened to Mike between s2 and s3. Like, I get that he was interested in his girlfriend and all that but he seems almost like a different person to me. I loved Mike from the first moment and he’ll always, always be my favourite and I see so much of myself in him but if his behavior is reduced to being worried about his gf and only caring about her then I’ll have to reconsider. After s2 we knew Mike and El were together but I never, ever thought Mike would change so much so that every other trait of his personality would be completely overshadowed (if not in relation to his gf). I never thought he’d forget about his friends and ignore them. Now, in vol. 1, the general audience thinks they’re heading towards a big “i love you” moment to El: and okay, I get that it might have been him struggling to express his feelings, but what about the rest? Mike is not only struggling about that. There’s more to his character. Are we ever going to see it again? Even one of his most prominent traits this season (his leadership) has resurfaced now that he has to find El because she’s in danger. It’s all about his girlfriend. What about him?

There was something in Beyond Stranger Things post season 2 (I think) where they were talking about Mike's behavior and mindset. It bothered me then, and it still bothers me now. The Duffers tries to explain Mike's behavior as being him all depressed and broken down over El's death. They said that taking care of Will brought him back into the light, or something along those lines. The suggestion there was that Mike's worry over Will had less to do with Mike caring about him and more to do with Mike feeling better about himself by taking care of him. It was this idea that Mike only did it because he failed to save El.

While that explanation does set up Mike ignoring Will post-season 2, it flies in the face of not only Mike's season 2 behavior, but also his season 1 behavior. They can try to write off Mike taking care of Will as him just needing to take care of someone, but it doesn't change the fact that Mike was incredibly intimate with Will, right down to how emotional he got while relaying the day they met. I don't know about you guys, but I don't exactly have that vivid of a memory from when I was 5. That was an important memory to Mike.

It also doesn't explain why Mike was so Will-focused in season 1. When faced with the realization that El was lying (she wasn't, but he thought she was) about Will being alive, he was furious. He broke down, leaving her behind as he went home to seek comfort. He lovingly looked through Will's drawings in mourning, being agitated by El's presence. This doesn't sound like someone who valued this girl over his best friend.

Mike's change in behavior doesn't make sense if there's not more there than we're meant to realize. I don't really trust anything the Duffers say at this point, but that moment in Beyond Stranger Things was almost insulting. The suggestion that Mike had a stronger emotional bond with a girl he knew for a week than the boy he's known for 8 years is laughable. Mike hasn't just paid more attention to El than Will. He flat out ignores Will when El is around. That makes no sense with the boy we met in season 1, or the one we saw take care of Will in season 2.

I can totally buy him feeling terrible for failing to protect El. I can even buy him feeling guilty over it because he might blame himself for putting her in that situation. I cannot, however, believe he'd cast Will aside for her as if he never mattered. Unfortunately, they've made it very clear at this point that, for whatever reason, Will is shoved into the background whenever El is around. Mike and Will finally had some heart to hearts this season, but only after El left. I worry about what might happen when they find her.

realized that MP's weird "masculinity = bad" agenda that the other anon brought up very clearly also shows up w/ their writing of hover as a gender non-conforming/butch lesbian.. due to the fact that she takes on a more traditionally masc role in lion society and is also an obvious stereotype. she's in this weird limbo where she's written to be cruel and abusive like the males in the series but since she's a lioness the narrative kind of tries to wave it away and expect us still to find her likable. it's weird

Like we've said before, we don't even know if a masculinity=bad or even an anti-man message was intended. But it's certainly there anyway.

I mentioned this in one of my last Hover rants, but it's not lost on me that the two butch lesbians that are in canonical relationships are both crass and awful. (Karabi is just fortunate enough to have less screen time than Hover.) I don't really need to go over speciics of what they do, but the short version is they both are irrationally furious with their stereotypically-feminine parter. Or in Hover's case she's treated like being flippant and offensive is cool (or that she's allowed to be ableist so long as its against a guy she doesn't like.) and is either dismissive of Nothing's concerns or flat out isn't interested in her needs when it's more important to punish her. In Karabi's case when Kyoga is keeping their relationship a secret, her impulse is to question her love for her, instead of being sympathetic to the position she's in and actually trying to find a solution.

(And I won't get into Hover's broken personality when she wants to join the pride lol)

When I see toxic masculinity presented in a butch lesbian character, and it's never brought up or called out or improved, I side-eye the writers, no matter who they are. And no matter whether the character is "intended" to be one we side with. Because this has been a harmful stereotype for decades, and yet it shows up in a character it doesn't even make sense for it to have. So I can't help but think about whether these characters exist the way they are because there's conscious or subconscious prejudices floating around and it was possibly never even addressed by a single person during the editing process. (Or if it was brought up, it was ignored.)

There's always been this underlying judgement of butches (or transmasculine people in general) that we're "trying to be like men" and it's like uh lol That also just kind of shows how little they know. (It's almost like butches have a complicated relationship with gender or something, what a novel concept.) And yet. People keep continuing to write us this way. Now why on earth would that be? Oh yea cuz its all people see in media (bar a few outliers). Now I'm gonna stop myself before I go on an 8 year tangent unpacking why "trying to be like men" would entail being emotionally stunted and rude. Good lort.

And I don't really want to hear that "Hover is a reincarnation of Karabi, that's why they're both big and muscular" because that's not stated in the show. And I don't want to hear anything about manes and hormone levels, quite frankly I'm over granting this show the "realism" argument in any degree. The fans care more about the realism than the show does lol Especially as far as it's queer representation is concerned. - Cat

Today was not my best day. I tried really hard to not let other people's emotions and things that were outside of my control make me upset but they still did. And I had kind of a really bad emotional day and I'm shocked that I didn't just go home. I am happy to be in my hammock but I don't know if tomorrow will be better. I hope it will be.

And it wasn't all bad. I slept pretty well last night. My alarm was set for 8:00 and I woke up a little before and I was like oh I will get up when I hear a flag but then they didn't do flag I'm very confused about what traditions were keeping which ones were not this year because we also don't do grace anymore and I'm really confused about that. So I don't know what's up.

So I just laid in bed for a few extra minutes and then I would get up and I feel kind of gross for some reason. I watched my face and cleaned myself with best I could but I just felt kind of sticky. I don't know. I liked my outfit and I felt pretty cute. And I was determined like I said to have a nice day. It took me a few extra minutes to get ready and then I was like I'm going to take a walk. And on my walk I found blite beach afids. They were pretty cool to see honestly! But I was worried that they were maybe a species that would eat the tree. So I went to check with the office and after we googled it it seems like it would be okay and. I also handed in my impossible task paperwork and everyone was just like "alright close enough". And it seems like everyone else is just kind of half-assing so I don't feel as bad but I'm still annoyed that I was giving that task so late in the game.

I would go for a little walk after chatting with Chris for a while. And decided to try to find some more mushrooms to take pictures of. And I would find a few. I also ate some berries on my walk over to the lodge because I thought I could get a new box of milk but they did not have any. Instead I just took some butter for safe keeping. And walks down to the nature Lodge to say hello to Celia.

She was feeding the animals and I chatted with her for a few minutes and then I went over to homestead to pet the goats. And then back up to arts and crafts where I found a couple very nice red mushrooms. And I got to work fixing the hammock. And so far it's held all day. I went over it with a zigs stitch, so I have high hopes that it will hold for a while. Even though I'm still going to continue to badger stockade to buy me a new one even though I don't actually care. I just think it's funny.

I got all set up for the day and soon Tatiana was here and Annabelle came over to ask for some more yarn and I told her how nice her plants were growing because despite everything I am still trying to be friends because I can't help myself. And sue me and Tatiana were just waiting for our group.

Both of our morning groups were really nice. No problem. Everyone spoons are coming out really good and we did lose a few more markers through explosions. But I'm having a good time watching them make stuff and it's just been fun. But I started getting a really bad stomach ache again. It was different this time but still very uncomfortable. And so I was very much looking forward to much. I had had an uvert earlier but hadn't had much to eat yet today.

And lunch was a disaster. I had an absolute meltdown because I was so furious. They made us wait and did not have an answer if the vegetarian option was ready but it was it was in the warmer. So we waited for 15 minutes for no reason. And then it ended up just being carrots and I think zucchini and vegetarian chicken. Which is essentially what we had yesterday that I did not want to eat. And I took it and I was upset that I was going to make it work. But then I wouldn't be Tyler to tell him that I was upset and another counselor may comment about how it was better what they were having and what they were having was mac and cheese with hamburger meat mixed in. And I just became so furious that he would say that when I literally just have carrots a few cubes of zucchini and dry vegetarian chicken that I threw the whole plate away and stormed out of the dining hall and I had to literally keep myself from slamming the door behind me. And I don't know how great of a job I did because I see her TV stopped me outside to ask if I was okay because I was visibly angry. Which was very embarrassing.

But I told her I was okay. She tried to give me snacks when I told her it was food that was upsetting me and I just said no it's okay I'm going to go get something from the art building and I tried my best to calm down because I was on the verge of freaking out.

I hate how much food gives me anxiety. And I hate that when I bring my complaints and concerns to the office they want me to give them solutions but that's not my job I am not the chef. Im not creating menus. And like I wouldn't mind coming up with ideas except they just want to put the vegan vegetarian the gluten-free and the allergy options altogether! And I get that that's easier but it's also not a good idea! Because then we all just get the most boring option! There has to be something better we can do.

So I went up to the art building and I told Tatiana how angry I was and I grabbed my box of stuffing because I didn't want to eat the other mac and cheese and I went to the office to make dinner microwave. And I total FC now upset I was and that I hated that I had to keep coming to her with complaints because I know how busy she is but the food is just upset of me so much. And I would calm down but it took most of my lunch break because I was just so upset. And my stuffing was fine and smelled good but most of the herbs and stuff didn't come out of the box and so it was just kind of boring wet bread. And it wasn't even the right color. It was way too light. But at least it was a carved because I just needed something because I was so shaky and upset. I think if I hadn't been so shaky and woozy that I wouldn't have gotten as upset but I was still mentally so angry.

I texted James and we decided we would start coming up with an idea list for food. And ways that they can be vegetarian and on vegetarian. That doesn't deal with the other issues but it's something. And like I get it it's hard. And I don't really like eating fake meat so it's more difficult to explain what I eat to people but I don't want to just eat plates of stewed and boiled vegetables.

Tony came and sat with me at the office porch while I told them how upset I was and I think it helped just a little bit to talk to someone. And I stayed down there as long as I could and when I did finally process some of the food that I ate I wasn't as upset when Chris came out to ask if they could buy stuff to keep in the little fridge for me. But I told him But that wasn't fair. And I was not the only one having to eat the terrible vegetarian food. It's just very frustrating that because I am the quickest to get upset about it I'm having to be annoying all the time. I'm trying my best not to make it everyone else's problem but man doesn't feel like I am.

The afternoon would be better though. I would calm down and I would feel more like myself. Despite my stomach hurting and feeling a little gross. My groups were very sweet and I got to work on my knitting and during my half hour break I just sat quietly. The group that I had right after lunch was younger and they were very cute but they're painting was too thick and so they were struggling with finishing and so then they were staying later but I didn't realize that one of the kids came back to finish with Tatiana and so then Chris came out together first aid kit for me because I had two and then I was embarrassed because I was in my hair and I didn't realize that they were still kids in a group out front. But I don't think he cared. I was just trying to enjoy my little break before the older girls came.

The older girls would be so good. They were really into the stamping and they need me to bracelets and they didn't really care about me at all until the end when I was showing them my wedding pictures but mostly it was great and I was enjoying the counselor's company and one of the children was very funny and made a couple different keychains. I'm almost out of the cell phone charm attachment but I think that's okay. I think everyone else will just enjoy making a little charm. And we can figure out something with string probably.

Tatiana worked on cleaning up the building during our last program. She swept everything and I really appreciate that and we tried to tidy up so that it would be ready for the accreditation people coming tomorrow. I don't know if they'll come up here but I want to be prepared. So I reminded her to wear a camp shirt and we tried to just make it look nice in here. I wish it was a little more organized but there's only so much I can do and I don't have the containers that would like. It's all good but I think at some point in the next month I'm going to work on reorganizing again because I want to be able to pack things away in a more orderly fashion for the fall. So that next year I do not have to be as stressed out.

I hope I get another helper. I don't know if I will be able to make that happen but I'm going to ask kira and I think if I can have a CIT towards the end of the summer if that is possible you will see but fingers crossed.

The counselor said that the group had to leave at 4:00 and that led to a big upset because then I did not get to give the kids a warning that they were going to only have 10 minutes left so the four kids that were still working with absolutely freaked out and then one had a total crying meltdown because she was not finished. And I gave some suggestions of you can take the yarn to go home and glue it and she's like we don't own any glue and I said that's very hard to believe. But after she would not stop crying I said we would keep her peace and we would finish it for her and tomorrow she can come and get it. And that at least made her stop crying enough but they could go. And we will get it done. I feel bad that we got interrupted like that. Once the kids were gone me and Tatiana finished cleaning up and I went to go swim because I was not feeling good. I just needed to be in the water.

And it helped a lot. I got changed once I got down there and there were too many kids in the bathroom again but it was nice to get in the water even if it wasn't as hot today. I talked to the kids and some counselors. Couple of them came over to ask about metal casting and when we can do that again. And I checked with Elizabeth apparently and it was coming tomorrow so I should be able to do more this week which I'm excited about. And then once the kids free swim was over it got quieter for a while. I hung out in the cove and just enjoyed sitting by myself. My stomach was still hurting real bad though and I was very upset about that but I chalked get up that I had not had my afternoon snack and lunch had been so bad and just a lot of factors. Everything would be okay.

Once pool canoes started I did some little laps back and forth until I was too tired and then I floated for a little while. But then I decided once a child told me that when he got in the canoe he was going to aim at me then I was time for me to get out of the water.

I let Max know that I was going to take a shower so that he was not startled if he came in to start cleaning again. And I felt a lot better after I was clean and lotioned.

But I basically made up my mind that after I got everything put away up at the art building I was going to take my laptop and go sit at the lodge and work on my lesson plans for the National guard and if dinner was terrible I would go get Chipotle.

I would sit down at the lodge for a while and talk to CJ. And we brainstormed about a couple camp problems. And she got the Wi-Fi password for me because my laptop had forgotten it. And I was able to finish about half. I would move from outside to inside once the kids started showing up for dinner but then dinner was very late. And while I did appreciate that they were having chicken and biscuits and they had vegetarian chicken to go with the biscuits I was not interested. I did get a biscuit and a jam. And once I realized that the green beans had onions in it and I was positive in my choice and I headed out.

I went upstairs and I dropped off some stuff and got my car. I drove down to the office just to let Alexa know that I would be back in about an hour and then I drove to Hunt valley.

Was fine. I only ate part of it. I think I was just still very upset. But also the people in the Chipotle were being terrible. In other words. They were lovely. But everyone that had ordered online because everything was backed up and they had obviously had a huge rush because there were so many empty things. And people were just being so mean for no reason. Like I get it but also stop. I was a little disappointed that they had no sour cream but I would live. And I got my food and I went and ate in the car.

But like I said I only a little bit of it. I got like 10 bites in and it just tasted too salty and I decided I would save it for tomorrow.

I walked over to the Marshalls to see if I could find anything on my list. Because I'm out of a few things. I was able to get a leaving conditioner which can be pretty happy and it was a brand I already like. And I've got some candy and some hair ties. And the cashier was really nice. I enjoyed working on it for a while but I know that I was in there a little bit longer than I actually need to do. And then I went back to the car. I found a bird keychain who is so cute. I would have to fix the keychain part but the plushie was so sweet and just the most adorable little bird.

But nothing seemed interesting to me. I did get two apples but I can have a peanut butter and a couple fruit snacks and more lemonade powder. And a bag of chips. Just stuff that I can feel like not as weird. Things I would eat at home. And then I came back to camp.

I decided on the drive back that I would get a fun little bit. And I stop at Royal farms to get a milkshake. And it was great. My stomach continued to bother me but I was very happy with my milkshake and that made me feel so much better.

when I got back to camp I said hello to people as they were walking to the different areas. The camp program tonight would be a movie so it wouldn't start until after dark and so people have lots of cabin time which I'm sure was very and when I got back up here I am CIT laying on my picnic table and I told him he's more than welcome to wear my hammocks. And he said he wasn't sure so he didn't want to do it if I wasn't here. I was like no please still and he apparently also had a very hard day and was very upset. So I was able to get him a little bit of a reprieve.

I would fix the buttons on my sleep shirt because two of them had broken. And I fixed the keychain on the little bird. I put some other stuff away and tidied up. I did not make any more tote bags like I said but maybe tomorrow. I'm not back concerned about it it was just a thought if I had anytime. I mostly just wanted to rest and enjoy my milkshake and you know what that's what I did.

Charlotte came up at one point to figure out where the plug would work for the movie. And I showed her which one works consistently. She told me that that was the one that they used last week when the power went out in the middle of the movie but I find that hard to believe because that one's never given me any problems but I do trust her so who knows. At least the movie worked all night.

I don't know what movie it was but I think it might have been happy feet because after the movie the boys who were walking past the window were saying / chanting happy meat. And that is why I have guessed. I had been laying here for a while and brush my teeth and it was just kind of poking around on the internet. But I just heard the cord they had plugged the projector and get tug on so I went over to unplug it so it wouldn't get broken and just had a little chat with Charlotte and Kieran I know I am ready to go to sleep.

I had a nosebleed and that was very discouraging and everything smells a little like blood now so I'm going to wash my hands again and then I'm going to try to sleep.

Tomorrow the people from the camp accreditation board are coming. I hope if they come up here I dazzle them. And I hope that everything goes well because you can feel the tension of how nervous everyone is. I hope you all have a great night and that tomorrow is better. I know at least my lunch will be because I put the rest of the Chipotle in the fridge in the office. Fingers crossed that it is a better day. Good night everybody. Until next time

anyways opened ps for the first time in like month and a half and i forgot how calming it is to make gifs. needless to say, i went insane, spent like 8 hours making four gifs and now they're in my drafts folder, mocking me.

because!! that fckn show is a fckn shitshow and i am disgusted with myself that i knew exactly what that garbage fire was and yet i was like 'oh, watching a couple eps just for the lols',,,,,,, four weeks and a new poor meow meow later, i am fucking furious with myself.

because (2)!! that new poor meow meow was lit done so fckn dirty, barely any screentime, and then i had to find out that he was written off!! and in the most bs way possible!!! and i was shocked!!! even tho, that show is an abomination and should've been finished years ago. and yet, i knew all that and still i was shocked pikachu.jpg

and so, i now have a fckn gifset i'm not gonna post (bc fuck those pricks) and a 9k+ draft of a fckn fanfic (bc i have been pushed to the absolute limit) and i'm still angry!!!

i hope that show flops even more than it already has and i shall dance on their grave.

thank u for ur attention.

008 of 2023

Random Secrets from Others 8! [True or False] Created by joybucket

These are all secrets from random people that I've found on the Internet. Put an X by the secrets that you share, and elaborate if you wish. Have fun! :) (gonna bold, though)

I'm ashamed of my body, but I tell other people to love themselves. I was molested by a babysitter. ...and my dad told me not to tell anyone about it. He said that as a female, my body is for men. This idea has stuck with me ever since. My whole life I've been made to feel that I was undeserving of love. When I was 12 or 13, I finally learned what the word "rape" meant, and I then understood what had happened to me. ....and the fact that I was rejected from my own family, especially my mom, led to depression. I had nobody to talk to. No one is really there for you in the end. I'm transgender. I havne't come out because my family doesn't support the community at all. I feel more judgment from the LGBT community than I do from straight people. ....and it makes me heartbroken. It's sad, because all of us in the LGBTQ+ community are going through the same thing, and you would think that it would be a place to find support, but it's not always. I tried coming out to my parents, and afterward, they were completely silent. ....I tried to act like it didn't affect me, but I'm ashamed that it did. I pretend to be straight with most people, so they won't ask questions about my sexuality or ignore it altogether. I haven't told anyone that I'm bisexual. It scares me that my family and friends won't love me the same if they find out. No one knows I'm a homosexual, and I'm afraid if someone finds out, they will kill me. Hating someone for their sexuality is disgusting. Loving, appreciating, and accepting each other how we are is what makes us human. Imagine being judged for being who you truly are. My sexual orientation or my gender identification doesn't make me less of a human. I'm human just like everyone else, and I should be treated like one. My grandfather is the only one who doesn't know I am gay. When I came out, I was told that I must be confused or going through a phase. When I came out, my mom told me that I was disgusting and a disappointment. I will never tell anyone I'm bisexual. My parents would be furious if they found out. I feel lonely at home, with my friends, and with my family. I used to hug the clothes in my closet, just to feel like I was hugging someone real. I don't like to be touched or held. ...and it's been years since I hugged someone. I feel like people treat me differently because my parents are divorced. In high school, I used to eat lunch in the bathroom stall. ....I do the same in my workplace now. I talk to myself all the time. I talk to my stuffed animals when I feel my friends don't want to talk with me anymore. My best friend unfriended and abandoned me when I told her I was suicidal. ...I still blame myself to this day, and I wish that I was different, so that then we could still be friends. Loneliness is something that you can drown in; it is something that can overcome you. I feel so lonely that I get chest pains and I can't breathe. I feel so helpless, because I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love, and I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love who will love me back. I appear very happy and outgoing from the outside, but I constantly have panic attacks that no one knows about. My parents don't believe in mental health issues. It was hard telling my parents, "I think I need to see a therapist." I feel totally and utterly alone. I'm a misfit everywhere. I have no one to turn to. I'm a Christian, and there's a part of me that really hates Christianity. I feel like the Christian God could not love a deformed creation. We tend to politicize certain things, but I believe God loves everyone. You don't realize how lonely you are until something good happens to you, but you don't have anyone to tell. You don't realize how lonely you are until something bad happens to you, and you want so badly to talk to someone, but no one is there for you; you have no one to speak to. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness every day. I get so lonely that it physically hurts. Every day I fantasize about having a spouse and kids. ....so that I could give them the love I never had. No one showed up for me at my high school graduation. I had no family or friends who came to watch me graduate. 👩‍🎓 The hardest part of being lonely is not knowing where the loneliness is coming from. You just feel empty and you don't even know why. Hardly anyone ever asks how I'm really feeling/doing. (but this is normal here in my country) I hug my stuffed animals at night to help me sleep, because I'm so lonely. One of the worst things is realizing you are living most of your life in your head. The conversations, laughs, and friends you wish to have are all in your head. Loneliness is such a universal experience, yet somehow we all still feel alone. I feel like loneliness is consuming me slowly. I feel more alone when I'm around people than I do when I'm by myself. I daydream too much and re-enact different scenarios in my head. I wish I could look in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be loved. I've been bullied at three different schools. I've begun to blame myself for being bullied, because I feel stupid and weak. ...I feel worthless, and that makes me feel even worse, because now I'm blaming myself. I love my friends and give my all in relationships, but no one feels the same way about me or does the same with me. I'm gay, and all I want is my parents to love me, but I know they never will. My parents have always made me feel insecure about my body, when they remind me that I've gained weight. I've stopped being myself, because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. After we took our clothes off, I changed my mind. He got angry, I felt trapped, and that is ultimately how I lost my virginity. I haven't slept well since, and I still feel ashamed about it. ....Now, I'm too afraid to get close to anyone. I can't trust anybody. I hate my physical appearance. ...I'm self-conscious, and I worry about everything, from the way I talk to my personality. I was bullied a lot for the way I look. I've had enough of life; I really have. I hate myself because being so sensitive always makes people use me. When I was born, my parents really wanted a boy, but when they found out I was a girl, they were disappointed. They've held it against me my whole life. ...Some days I wish I wasn't alive, because I know my parents would be happier without me. My dream in life is to have children. It's all I've ever wanted. ....but I may be infertile. It breaks my heart. 💔 I was raped by one of my boyfriend's best friends. I never told anyone, because I had seen so many women try to come out, only to be rejected. When I was raped for the first time, I told my friends, and they blamed me. ...They said, "You must have wanted it. You must have done something..." My ex physically and emotionally abused me. I was scared to break up with him, because people knew we were sexually active, and I was afraid they would think I was a whore if I ended the relationship. As a child, I was taken advantage of sexually by multiple men in my family. When I came out to my parents as gay, they told me not to tell anyone, because they said it could ruin our family name. They cared more about their reputation than about their own child's happiness. We must get rid of the stereotype that family is inherently good. Family is NOT the safe haven for most people. The suicide of a friend really hit me hard. Being betrayed was one of the most hurtful things that happened to me. Betrayal doesn't make us lose a friend or supporter. It costs us our trust of humans. I was taught that social media is dangerous. Yes, it is, but it's also helped me to overcome betrayals. It was hard for me to work up the courage to "come out." I've dated someone just to try it out.

IC INFORMATION:

Name: Matthew Percival Fabray

Designation: Switch

Age: 27

Birthday: November 11th, 1994

Faceclaim: Toby Regbo

Orientation: demisexual

Kinks: power differential, bondage, sensory play, roleplay [still exploring]

Anti-Kinks: age play, scat

Key Points:

Career-focused

Up-and-coming author

Introverted; takes a while to open up

Appears strong, poised, and stuck-up to others

Loyal to a fault once someone is considered one of his people

BIO

As the oldest son of Russell Fabray, Matthew was groomed to follow in his father’s footsteps and take over the tobacco company once his father eventually retired. He had a lot of pressure on him from a young age, and he quickly grew to hate the thought of the legacy his father was leaving for him. He was an obedient son, though, and when he graduated from high school, he went directly to college to study management and accounting. As a junior, he took advantage of the opportunity to study abroad in Scotland for an entire year. While he was there, he took electives in literature and creative writing, and upon returning to the US, he found he’d actually earned enough credits for a minor in English–though he didn’t dare let his family know. Instead, he worked his regular summer internship in the tobacco company, graduated with honors, took the CPA exam, and started an MBA program.

The older he got, though, the more Matt thought back to his time in Scotland. He missed his creative writing class, and he began to spend much of his free time writing. Romance had never seemed that important to him, so while he had some friends he hung out with at times, it wasn’t that hard for him to make time for his novel. His grades took a dip, though luckily for him, his father had long ago stopped checking in on them regularly, and he still managed to graduate.

Nothing was harder for Matt than starting his new position in his father’s company once he had his MBA. Working 8-5 day in and day out was stifling, not to mention the overtime he was expected to pull on a nearly daily basis, simply because he was the boss’s son and needed to learn everything he could about the business. Still, he spent his free time writing, and shortly before his 26th birthday, he received news from a literary agent: his first novel was going to be published.

Matt had no idea how it happened, but his novel took off. It was a young adult, dystopian, vampire and werewolf story that focused on action and friendships rather than a romantic relationship or claim, and people loved it. He actually took some time off work to do a book signing tour. When he got back from the tour, his father was furious with him for having done something so ‘frivolous’ when he could have taken advantage of his time off to enroll at an institute. Matt’s younger half-brothers were both already there, and Russell insisted that it was time for Matthew to find his submissive to complement him the way that Judy and Camille did for him.

The only problem? Matthew wasn’t sure he was meant to be a Dominant, not if it meant having the same sort of stressful life he’d been preparing for since he was a child. He also couldn’t see himself as a submissive. He was thrilled to get to spend time with his brothers, but he’d have been just as content with a cup of tea and the half-finished draft of his second novel open on his laptop. He’d never found someone he wanted to have sex with before, and he wasn’t sure how an institute would change that.

BIO QUESTIONS:

What are your feelings about the mark you have received?

This is probably the best mark for me. I don’t particularly want to participate in this whole claim thing, but I suppose that since I have to, I’m grateful for the ability to figure out for myself whether I lean more Dom or sub.

How do your feelings on the system compare to your parents’ feelings on it?

My parents are very strongly in favor of the system, and they tried to instill that belief in me. I understand the importance of the system, but I’d personally rather just exist on its periphery if I could. I don’t need a claim to be happy, despite what my family believes.

Where do you see yourself after you graduate?

My claim and I will be moving back to Mobile so that I can return to my job in the tobacco company. That’s non-negotiable.

How do you feel about authority?

Authority has its place. It works best when the person in power has earned that position, but that’s not always the case. I’m comfortable following people in authority regardless of whether I respect their power. I don’t particularly enjoy rocking the boat. However, I do enjoy getting to lead others when I’m given the opportunity.

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

SPOILER ALERT 

Here is the quick summary of the first 60 pages of Stormbringer that just revealed today. 

Special thanks to Nika, Amir, and my discord server members for proof-reading!

— That is, the 169th possibility

— ‘You are late, my brother.’

Content

Prologue

Code:01 A programme with 2383 lines, just an idea from a group of researchers

Code 02: Dead people do not possess any form of emotion

Code 03: I want to observe Chuuya’s suffer as a human

Code 04: Grantors of disgrace, you need not wake me again

Epilogue

Afterthought

Harukawa Sango ‘Stormbringer’ Character Setting Gallery

-

Pre-prologue

Fate whispers to warriors,

‘You cannot go against the storm.’

Warriors whisper back

‘I am the storm.’

— Cao Zhi ‘Luo Shen Fu’

-

Prologue

It began in a forest at midnight. It was supposed to be a peaceful night, but suddenly a beam appeared in the forest. It’s a huge fire. The forest was on fire. People who lived in the village nearby ran to the forest to see what happened. It was a wrecked airplane that just fell from the sky. People used hammers to dig the airplane to see whether there are any survivors.

Suddenly, a man walked out from the airplane. He seemed fine, but the crowd was shocked.

‘Apologies for my courtesy. In accordance with civil society, I should introduce myself,’ said the man. He pulled out a badge on his chest. The badge was black and words on it were engraved with silver. One of the teenagers from the village read off the words on it

‘I am a detective from Europole (Europe Detective and Police Organisation), which I am an office equipment. Category number 98F78195, made by ability technician Dr. Wollstonecraft. The first ever humanoid computer that serves for worldwide police facilities. Code name is Adam, Adam Frankenstein. It is my pleasure to meet you. I should carry out my mission now, see you.’

Before Adam left, he asked ‘Do you know a person called Nakahara Chuuya?’

-

Code:01 A programme with 2383 lines, just an idea from a group of researchers 

Chuuya couldn't see his dream. Everytime he woke up, he felt like he was in a swamp of mud. Today, Chuuya woke up in his apartment. Just like other’s morning routine, Chuuya took a shower, cleaned himself and left his home.

Chuuya was 16 years old. Since a year he had joined the mafia, Chuuya excelled in his job with the most outstanding performance, and was well recognised in the organisation.

However with all the money and status he got, Chuuya was not satisfied. The thing that he wanted the most was to know his past. Chuuya knew nothing about it. The earliest memory he had was being kidnapped to a military facility 8 years ago.

There was already a branded black car waiting for Chuuya outside his apartment with a group of men in suits and sunglasses. ‘Please go to the regular store,’ said Chuuya.

Chuuya was in charge of supervising the jewel/gemstone transaction within the Mafia and black market, which had been an important source of income for the mafia.

He arrived at the store. Before entering it, a gun was pointed on Chuuya’s head, while there was another gun pointed onto his chest. Bang! What a big sound. Yet there was no blood, but a bunch of colourful ribbons came off.

‘Congratulations to your 1st year since joining the mafia!’, said those men.

Today was the first anniversary for Chuuya joining the mafia, and his friends held a party for him. People who joined the party all belonged to the ‘young club’ of the mafia, which were all 25 years old or younger.

The party-planner was called ‘Piano Man’. He was called Piano Man not because of his black and white outfit, but his way of killing. He liked using the strings of piano keyboards and strangled people to death. Piano Man was very tall, his fingers were long and thin, and always put a smile on his face. He was by far the man who was closest to the position of the Port Mafia executive.

The second man who came to congratulate Chuuya was called Albatross, a man with golden hair. He was a teen that loved smiling and was very talkative. Albatross was in charge of the transportation aspect of the mafia, and was complimented as very efficient and speedy in completing the missions, and was currently living in the same neighbourhood as Chuuya in a high-ended area. He previously belonged to an organisation called ‘Wheelman’.

Albatross proposed a toasting, but Chuuya was not in a good mood. “Did you have a nightmare?” Albatross joked, but Chuuya turned furious after hearing the word ‘nightmare’. Everyone was horrified. ‘No I wasn’t!’ Chuuya shouted. When Chuuya was about to leave the shop, yet another man came in. He was holding a champagne glass, and on his other hand, he was holding a medical drip stand that had a drip injected into his arm. His name was Doc.

Different from other doctors in the gangster industry, Doc graduated in a Northern American university and was awarded with a Doctorate formally. Doctors were highly demanded within the mafia because members could not simply walk into regular hospitals with injuries that were caused by gunshots. Doctors in the PM were treated nicely and respected, thanks to the boss, Mori-san, who was also a former doctor. The reason why Doc became a doctor was because he wanted to get closer to God. ‘The more lives you save, the closer you get to God’ is the motto of Doc. The Bible once wrote that God saved two million lives, so Doc’s goal was to save a similar number of people, which was why he joined the Mafia.

Chuuya still wanted to leave.

“The first year was the toughest, so we need to celebrate that you got through it,’ a gentle voice said. It was a man who had an extraordinarily beautiful appearance. The first year of joining the Mafia was the so-called ‘Deadman Curve’, so a celebration is needed,” said Lippmann, the guy with a pretty face. The work of Lippmann was probably the most unique one out of all of them. He was in charge of the public relations of the Mafia, such as negotiating deals with enterprises, or having meetings with the government. It is more difficult to kill him than killing the Boss of the Mafia because Lippmann was also a famous actor, thus every single action he made would be reported by the media. Hence it was really difficult to get him.

Another man came in, and his name was Ice Man. Unlike Chuuya’s other friends, he was quiet, and wore a simple outfit. Ice Man did not show much emotion, and was low profile. His job was simple, to kill. He did not use an ability, guns or knives to kill. Instead, he used objects that were nearby to kill. Anything, regardless if it’s a pen, wine bottle or the wire of light bulbs could become a murdering tool, hence Ice Man could kill anywhere.

The gathering continued. Chuuya was gradually having a better mood, until Ice Man asked Chuuya ‘where were you born?’ Chuuya immediately grabbed Ice Man’s shirt, and there was such a tension among the guys. Piano Man then revealed that he knew why Chuuya was mad, because Mori told him about Chuuya’s past that he was just an artificial ability experiment that was created by the military. Hence Mori asked Piano Man to invite Chuuya into the younger’s club, in order to have a surveillance on Chuuya. Piano Man pointed out the reason why Chuuya was mad today because he was actually not able to dream. Suddenly, the tension was back. Everyone had their weapons already, but Piano Man took out a present for the 1st anniversary from his coat, and gave it to Chuuya.

It was a photograph, a picture of two people, and one of them was five year old Chuuya.

The picture was taken in an old village in the Western region, Piano Man said. The area was abandoned afterwards but Doc found this picture inside the medical record of the village. Lippmann then added that he had asked a woman to check all the military-related databases, in which she found out that the military once held a recruitment experiment in the Western region. Still, Chuuya’s friends were able to find the family tree of Chuuya, his school, his report card and his birth record. However, such an investigation must not be known to Mori because Mori thought that if Chuuya’s background remained a secret, Chuuya would not betray the Mafia.

Chuuya did not understand why his friends did this for him. Lippmann said because they were companions. He then proposed why not they name the younger’s club as ‘Flags’.

The Flags then went to a billiards bar. All of a sudden, apart from the six people playing the billiards, there was the seventh person who joined the game. He had long arms and legs, and of course very tall. Black hair with brown eyes, and was standing by the table seriously.

All of a sudden, Albatross used his Kulric knife and sliced on the seventh person's head, which produced an uncomfortable noise. Yet, that person escaped from the attack. A fight then broke out because the Flags thought this seventh person was an ability user, and suspected his intention for coming to the Mafia’s facility. However, Ice Man pointed out that this person was not an ability user, but the fight continued.

During the fight, Adam grabbed the legs of the table, and something grew from his hand. It was a small-scale dinosaur, that grew from Adam’s hands as if it were a plant. The battle was intense. Someone shouted Chuuya’s name out of nowhere, and Adam noticed something.

‘Chuuya-san’, Adam greeted Chuuya politely.

‘I am here to protect you,’ Adam replied. Adam introduced himself, and explained his mission. Adam was sent here to arrest an assassin called Paul Verlaine.

When Chuuya heard the name Verlaine, his facial expression changed.

‘Why do you know this name?’ asked Chuuya

‘Chuuya-san, you cannot defeat Verlaine on your own. That’s why I am here. Verlaine was not only an assassin. He is the king of assassins. He is your brother.’ said Adam.

The misconception was relieved, and the Flags, together with Adam, played billiards happily afterwards.

-

The story continues on 27th Feb

I have a bunch of wild stories from work (tis the season for weirdos to come creeping out I suppose) but for now a fuck coworkers. I’m so sick of being babysat by some of my coworkers, constantly having them peer over my shoulder or talking over me. I’ve been working at this place for more then half a year now, it’s not as long as some other staff but I’m by no means new still. I know the register like the back of my hand at this point and am usually the one needing to check over the till to make sure everything is in order and all coupons processed before I clocked in are valid so the closing person and DMs don’t run into issues later. I’m not perfect by any means and don’t claim to be, but 8/10 times there’s a problem it’s usually me fixing it or helping to, not me creating it - unlike when I first started. A lot of the other staff respect and treat me as being on the same level as them, which I appreciate. One of the older ladies who’s been at the job for more then a decade will often joke that I work so much I must live there, and if there’s something neither of us know how to handle or a customer that wants to customise their order ect we’ll both just talk it out and problem solve equally - she doesn’t try to act like “I’m your boss I make all the shots.” Hell, she’s even said she started to change the way she cooked burger patties after watching me do it and realised how much easier that looked. I absolutely love working with her. Some of the others though, will try to assert their rank and dominance into everything. One doesn’t like the way I’ll make drinks on the counter behind myself instead of at the machine (there’s only a small amount of counter space there and I like having the freedom to move around, the placement changes nothing beside that) and instead of asking why I do it that way, they berate me or try to tell me I need to do things their way because they’re my superior and know better.

At one point last week I was taking coupons from a customer - nothing new I know the procedure. The coupons wouldn’t scan, I had a feeling why that was, and I was in the middle of asking them if they’d used any previously on this card account that day (we have a 2 coupons per card per day policy) all the while I can see my coworker peeking around the corner at us. She then proceeds to interrupt me just to loudly announce the exact same thing I’d just said about the policy and tried to take over. I waited for her to stfu before letting the customer know if her partner had another card I could scan that in and the coupons should work then. Again, she does the exact same thing parroting me and slowly pushing me out of the way of the till. After everything was finished she patronisingly explained how the coupons worked as if I hadn’t gotten it right the first time or literally said everything she just mimicked afterwards. I was furious. That same coworker fucked up an order later on that day (the irony) and I had nothing going on so I decided to just take the error receipt and write void on it to help her out while she spoke to the customer. As soon as I finished writing she proceeded to get in my face and grab the receipt telling me not to interfere with it, and that the till person needed to do their own job and not to do that again. Like, I’m sorry? You literally just interjected yourself earlier and took over my fucking job, but when I just go to write on a receipt not inconveniencing you at all that’s an issue? I’d get it if I did the same shit and tried to act high and mighty pushing you off the till but I literally didn’t do anything to get in your way at all, fuck off. I savour the shifts I get with my nice respectful coworkers, never leave work feeling as worn down and pissed off with them.

(🌑 for finding later)

I'm Never Leaving

➟ pairing(s): Exboyfriend; Jae Beom and Reader

➟ genre(s): Angst... maybe? Cute Fluff

➟ word count: 2.2K

➟ warnings: Jerk ex boyfriend

You sat down at your kitchen table and set your laptop up to finish some work. As you looked over a sales report, your laptop began to signal someone was calling you on Skype. You would typically decline the call this late; however, the name caught your attention. It had been at least 2 years since you've heard from your ex. You battled with the decision to accept the call. Sadly, curiosity got the best of you and you did accept.

"Wow, hi Y/N," Luke, your ex said, "I have to admit I wasn't expecting you to accept." He smiled that old smile at you and ran his hands through his hair. You smiled and studied his face. In the last two years, he hasn't changed much. His hair was longer, but he still wore band t-shirts and a leather jacket. You'd be willing to bet he had those ripped jeans and biker boots too.

"That makes both of us," you admitted, "What's up?" You wanted to get straight to the point. He laughed and rested his arms on the surface in front of him.

"That's my Y/N," he grinned, "Always so serious."

His words made you mad. Was mad even the right word? Maybe angry, furious, infuriated, irate, or raging would have been more appropriate. How could he say you were 'his' after the way he threw you away like trash, with such little disregard.

You always had a rocky relationship with Luke. There were always kind words, then side glances with jealousy, fighting, and then make-up sex. You never knew where you stood in the relationship. Calling it a relationship was even a stretch. If you spent the night at his place, he was always careful to make sure he got you out before his roommates were up. He held all the power and loved to remind you. The last few months of the relationship seemed like a dream. Luke was kinder and more considerate. You craved something more from him, and it seemed like you were finally getting it.

The final straw was the morning after a party his friend threw. You spent the night so you didn't have to drive home so late. When you woke to leave in the early morning hours, Luke reached for you and asked you to stay. Your heart finally let go and you thought it was something special. Ha, right.

It was about 8:30 that morning when you woke again. Silently, you went to the kitchen for breakfast. His roommate, Josh, was already in there. He smiled at you after taking in your appearance.

"I wondered if one of you would be in here soon," he commented. He waved a spoon at you. "I'm glad this is becoming more of a regular thing. I like having you around." He returned to his cereal. "I didn't think he would settle down. You're good for him." You smiled to yourself and grabbed a bowl. The sound of Luke's bedroom door announced he was awake.

Luke dragged himself to the table and sat down. He was not a morning person. You instinctively grabbed a coffee mug and poured a cup. You knew he liked black coffee, so setting the mug in front of Luke, you kissed his cheek. There was no thank you, just a groan of annoyance.

You sat between the two men and took a few bites of your cereal. "Hey Luke," you began, "Do you think you could stop by my apartment today and help me move some furniture?" He glared at you over the mug and snorted.

"You don't think I could have just one day for me," he growled. The tone of his voice made you shrink back. He didn't remove his eyes from you.

"Sorry," you whispered, "I didn't think it would take so long." You got up and placed your bowl in the sink and walked back to the bedroom. You couldn't understand what you said to trigger that response.

"Dude," Josh scolded, "Harsh. You don't need to talk to her like that."

"I'll say what I want, how I want," Luke scoffed, "Not like she's my girlfriend." Those words sliced right through your chest. You leaned against the closed door and squeezed your eyes shut.

"You're such a dumbass," Josh hissed, "What if she hears you? Can't you give her a little respect?"

"Respect? Why? She doesn't respect herself," Luke reasoned, "Why should I? It's not like she'll leave me for someone else." That was all you needed to hear. He was right.

You quickly dressed and grabbed your keys. You tried and failed to fix your makeup that streaked your face from last night. Taking a steadying breath, you opened the door and made your way through the apartment with your head held high to the elevator; however, the sounds of Luke calling your name were hard to resist. It took all your energy to not turn and give in. He wanted to see respect, this was it. Until the elevator doors closed, then it was a mess. You barely made it home before you slid down the door, sobbing.

It took some time for you to realize you made the right decision, but you took new skill classes to keep you busy and dove headfirst into work. It was about a month before you were rewarded by fate. You were offered a new position in another country. Your supervisor had noticed how your work improved and felt you would be a valuable resource when opening this new branch.

For a few weeks, once a week Luke would stop by. He'd bang on the door and demand you answer, or call you repeatedly and leave messages with I miss you or I'm sorry. You don't know how long he tried to contact you. Once you moved, you changed your phone number and deleted your social media.

Now here you were again, looking at the reason for your pain and misery, but also success and happiness. You shook your head at the man on the screen and sighed. "Like I said Luke, what do you need?" You repeated your question, slightly annoyed. You studied his face while he searched for words. It looks like he hasn't slept in a while and a few deep lines frame his eyes.

"I ran into one of your friends last week," he started, "I asked about you and had to see if what they said was true." His eyes met yours and he took a deep breath. "How's work," he questioned?

"Work is great," you smiled, "They put me in charge of the sales analysis team." If he spoke to your friend, you knew what was coming. He wasn't calling for small talk about work. As if on cue, you heard a set of keys in your door. Luke must have heard them too, he sat straighter in his chair and tried to tame his unruly hair.

"Hey dove," a deep mellow voice called, "Where are you?" You turned your head to the sound and smiled. Jae Beom appeared in the kitchen with two bags in his hands. "I knew you would have your nose in some report. I picked up your favorite take-out." He placed the bags on the counter and started looking for plates and utensils.

"So it is true," Luke spoke up, "This is him?"

Jae Beom spun quickly, he was surprised by another man's voice. He made his way to your side and tilted his head to the computer. He leaned close to your ear and whispered in Korean. "Who is this? Is he a colleague?" You cupped his face with your hand and kissed his lips softly.

"This is Luke," you replied in Korean. Jae Beom raised his eyebrows and glared at the screen. He knew the stories and hated this man without even knowing him. You squeezed his arm and assured him that this would be quick. He excused himself from the room but didn't go more than two steps from the threshold. He leaned against the wall just outside, intent to make sure this didn't get out of hand.

"You could have at least stuck to English," Luke scoffed, "That was rude." You rolled your eyes and laughed. "So that's your boyfriend, huh?"

"Not boyfriend," you corrected, "He's my fiancé." You flashed your ring to the camera. "He proposed last month." Luke chewed the inside of his mouth. He narrowed his eyes on you.

"I know you hate me," he started, "But you can't marry him. I made a mistake. I need you." Jae Beom heard these words and he almost charged in to break your laptop. Your voice stopped him before he made a mistake.

"You're kidding me right," you asked Luke, "Have you lost your mind?" You took a deep breath "I don't hate you," you paused, unbeknownst to you, both men stiffened, "I did, but not anymore." You tucked some stray hair behind your ear. "You hurt me so much, and with such ease. You took from me my self-worth and importance. I felt like I was nothing. After I left you, I was so broken and afraid of everything." You paused trying to find the right words.

Jae Beom closed his eyes and leaned his head on the wall again. He remembered when you were like that. He met you just a few months after you moved to Korea. You were so unsure of everything. It broke his heart to remember you like that.

"I had to pick myself back up and rebuild what you broke," you continued, "What I let you break. So, no, I don't hate you. I hate that I let you do it. That I wasn't strong enough to see that I was so much more." You looked in the direction Jae Beom left earlier. "You know," you smiled, "I should thank you. I thrived after you." You laughed again. "I can't even take all the credit for what I've become. Jae met me when I was broken and trying to piece it all back together." You smiled fondly, and little did you know so did Jae Beom. "He was patient, kind, thoughtful, and loving," you narrowed your eyes to the man on the screen, "Everything you weren't. He helped me without hesitation or expecting something in return. Because of you, I knew what love wasn't. Because of him, I know what it is."

Jae Beom's chest tightened. He wanted to run in and kiss you. You had become such a strong woman, and he loved you more each day.

"I was stupid," Luke admitted, "I should have been better with you. For you." He fiddled with his hands. "I just wanted to see if there was a chance for us again. I haven't found someone like you, ever. I miss you."

"I'm sorry, Luke," you said, "There is no us. There never was. It was only you and me. Never us. I'm going to marry Jae Beom, and there is nothing in this world that you can say to change my mind. I'm happier than I could ever imagine." Luke opened his mouth to object, but you cut him off. "Goodbye Luke," you said quickly, "I hope you find what you're looking for. With someone else, that is." You ended the call and closed the laptop. You crossed the room and finished grabbing the plates Jae Beom left behind.

"You can come back in," you called over your shoulder, "I know you're still there." You heard the soft footsteps approach you from behind, then the smell of sandalwood. You inhaled deeply and smiled. Jae Beom wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder, placing feather-soft kisses on your neck.

"Are you ok," he asked, "That must have been a surprise." You hummed as you set the plate on the counter. Spinning in his arms, you let him push you against the counter. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in closer for a kiss on the lips. Then another on his nose.

"That was nothing," you said, "Just a bump in the road." Jae Beom pulled you closed and rested his forehead against yours. "I love you," you whispered, "So, so much." You rubbed your nose against him, giving a small giggle. "Are you hungry?" Jae Beom chuckled.

"I love you too, Dove," he murmured against your lips. He had your body pressed flush against his. His hands firmly gripped your hips. "Jump," he said firmly. Effortlessly, he guided you to sit on the counter in front of him. You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him closer. He slipped his hands under your shirt and rubbed small circles on your back.

"The food is getting cold," you giggled. He hummed as he pulled you in for a kiss again. He bit your lip between his teeth and growled. Your fingers tugged his hair and pulled his lips from yours. He had a mischievous glint in his eyes as he pulled you off the counter. You squealed and held on to him tighter.

"It'll be ok," he laughed, "We can warm it up later." He peppered you with kisses. "I have a craving for something much sweeter." You groaned at his innuendo and faked a look of annoyance. He tsked at you as he kicked the bedroom door closed. He laid back on the bed, leaving you straggling his waist. "If you're not interested, I can let you go." He crossed his arms behind his head with a smug smile.

"Shut up," you slapped his chest, "I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"Good," he smiled, "I wasn't letting go any way."

champagne problems (part 1)

here's my first part of my modern no magic "champagne problems" singer-songwriter quarantine thomastair AU! happy birthday to @foxglove-airmid even though I don't think it's your birthday where you live anymore (and I still haven't posted zia's birthday fic, it'll happen I swear)!

no content warnings for this part (besides maybe quarantine), but future parts will include discussions of mental illness, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt

obviously, the song alastair "wrote" in the fic is not mine, it's by taylor swift! and a few of the lyrics have been changed!

Masterlist | AO3

Thomas breathed out a sigh of relief as he lugged his suitcase up onto the fifth floor landing.

“‘Ere we are,” Piers announced as he unlocked the door.

Thomas was utterly exhausted, such was the result of taking a redeye flight across the Atlantic during a global pandemic, but any idea of rest that he’d had was interrupted when he heard the sound of piano flood the apartment.

“Ah, sorry about that,” Piers nodded, “One of my flatmates, the walls are paper thin. He can’t record at the studio right now, but he’s trying to finish his EP, so it’s been a bit noisier around here. He’ll take a break soon, hopefully.”

Thomas shook his head. “It’s no problem. Thank you, again, for allowing me to stay here. I’ll be looking for my own place as soon as the quarantine is up.”

“Of course. You’ve got the couch as long as you need it. Couldn’t just hang you out to dry, could I? Although, you did pick a god awful time to move to the city, if I do say so myself.”

Thomas sat down on the couch and tried to make himself comfortable. It was more comfortable than the flight or the airport, at least. “I know… I considered postponing the move, but the visa was so difficult to get, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. They say this will all blow over in a couple of weeks, but borders are closing and I heard talk of them suspending all pending visa applications. I didn't know how long it would be if I waited, if the job was even still here for me at all.” Although at first entrance, the music had seemed to be a nuisance, it now comforted him. It wasn’t bad at all, in fact, it quite reminded him of the days Alastair’s playing had filled their flat…

“Where did you say you were working again? At a record company?”

“Yeah. I’m just doing pretty basic stuff for now, but if I ever do want to record my own music, I’ve got to start somewhere.”

“Hm,” Piers said, gesturing to the room the music was coming from. “Perhaps you’ll get on with him well, then. Would you like some tea?”

Thomas nodded and Piers went to start the teapot. Piers continued, “Though I suppose he's more of the tortured artist type. Very reserved, quite prickly. I didn't even meet him until a couple weeks after I moved in here because he was off in some psychiatric hospital.” Thomas shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was never one for gossip. “My other roommate’s nice, though, I think you’ll like him. He-”

“How did you end up in New York, again? I don’t think I ever asked.”

Piers dove into the subject change quite readily, explaining his uni - or college - years in New York City and his decision to stay afterwards. Thomas had tuned most of it out, truthfully. It wasn’t that he was trying to be rude, but he was rather exhausted, and Piers was wearing thin on his patience.

As the kettle started to whine, Thomas heard the musician begin to sing, and he froze. It sounded so much like Alastair. But it couldn't be, could it? With over 8 million people living in the city, he would not end up in Alastair's apartment by accident. His Alastair was certainly reserved and prickly, but it wasn't possible. It must be like all those times he thought he saw him on a street he'd never walked or heard his laugh in a café he'd never been to. Just his mind, tricking him. Even if he knew that voice so well, despite not hearing it in so long.

“It’s quite good, isn’t it? His first single just dropped.” Piers asked, bringing over his cup of tea. He hadn’t realized it, but he’d been staring intently at the door.

Thomas took the cup. “Hm? Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

“You should look it up. It’s called “champagne problems” by Simurgh. That’s spelled- Well, it should come up.”

The name Simurgh sounded familiar, but Thomas couldn’t put his finger on where he knew it from. At Piers’ insistence, he pulled out his phone and brought up the song. As he skimmed through the first few lines, a cold feeling settled in his stomach.

“You booked the night train for a reason So you could sit there in this hurt Bustling crowds or silent sleepers You're not sure which is worse”

“Simurgh,” Thomas realized.

“Yeah, I think it’s Arabic or something.”

It took Thomas a moment to process that Piers was responding to him. “It’s Persian.” He was certain that Alastair would have some very stern words to say if he heard Piers confusing the two, actually. Thomas had admittedly let his Farsi skills deteriorate quite a bit since the breakup, but he was fairly certain the name came from the Shahnameh. There was no doubt in Thomas’ mind now: he was staying in Alastair’s apartment, and Alastair’s first single was about one of the most painful days in Thomas’ life. “I, er, I used to study it.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right!” Piers launched into a tangent that Thomas tuned out as he read through the rest of the page.

“Because I dropped your hand while dancing Left you out there standing Crestfallen on the landing Champagne problems”

“Thomas? Are you alright?”

He realized then that his hand was trembling so badly that his tea nearly spilled. He used his other hand to steady it. “Oh, uh, yes, I’m just tired.”

“Perhaps you should rest. I can ask Alastair to quiet down for a while-”

“No!” he exclaimed rather too forcefully. “No, that’s not necessary. I’d just rather not talk, if that’s alright.”

Piers nodded.

Thomas kept reading.

“Your mom's ring in your pocket My picture in your wallet Your heart was glass, I dropped it Champagne problems”

Of all the songs, why did he release the one about him? Why was it about a memory still so painful in Thomas’ heart, all of these years later? He remembered it so well, standing there, alone, shattered into a million pieces.

“You told your family for a reason You couldn't keep it in Your sister splashed out on the bottle Now no one's celebrating”

He was fairly certain that Barbara had been more excited than even he was, confident that Alastair would accept, and so very proud of her baby brother, all grown up. She’d been furious when it fell apart, but it was her who stood with him during the aftermath, who boarded him onto a train to Edinburgh to visit Eugenia when he couldn’t stand to be in the same city as him any longer, who went through his phone, blocking all of Alastair’s accounts so that he could obsess over him no longer, who comforted him as he wept and held him as he picked the pieces of himself back up again.

And all the more sour was the memory in light of her death.

“Dom Pérignon, you brought it No crowd of friends applauded Your hometown skeptics called it Champagne problems”

He looked up at Piers, who had fortunately become enthralled with something on his phone and was no longer paying Thomas any mind. He lifted the teacup gingerly to his lips, but he felt far too sick to take a drink.

“You had a speech, you're speechless Love slipped beyond your reaches And I couldn't give a reason Champagne problems”

A reason, that’s all Thomas had wanted. Just any explanation. He understood if they were moving too fast, or perhaps he’d misread something, but he just didn’t understand it.

Why? Why can’t you tell me why? I deserve an explanation, Alastair. Please, anything.

I… I’m sorry, Thomas.

Stop it! Stop apologizing! We can just go home and pretend this never happened, please, forget about all of it, it was a stupid idea-

Thomas, stop. I shouldn’t’ve… This was a mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t see that sooner.

That was the moment Thomas felt his heart stop beating.

“Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me" How evergreen, our group of friends Don't think we'll say that word again And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls That we once walked through”

Despite the nearly two decades Thomas had spent in London before Alastair, it was never the same without him. He saw him everywhere he went, despite knowing he was thousands of miles away. After graduating uni that May, he accepted a spot at a graduate program in Spain and didn’t look back.

“One for the money, two for the show I never was ready so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "You’re the only one I want by my side, What a shame you’re fucked in the head," you said”

Those were the words that haunted Thomas’ nightmares, even now.

It’s you! It’s only you for me! It was always going to be you! But I can see now that I was never going to be enough for you, you and your secrets and walls and your lies. It’s a shame… it’s a shame you’re so fucked in the head, Alastair. You’ll never truly love anyone, will you? You’re not physically capable of it.

Alastair hadn’t responded. Thomas had wanted a rise out of him, any reaction at all, despite knowing how lethal and volatile Alastair could become when provoked. But there was nothing. Not a flicker of anything in his steeled expression. He’d simply looked down, apologized again for any pain that he’d caused, and left.

That was the last time they’d spoken.

Thomas and his sister left for Edinburgh that night, and when he’d returned to London, Alastair was gone.

“Well, you'll find the real thing instead Who'll patch up your tapestry that I shred And hold your hand while dancing Never leave you standing Crestfallen on the landing With champagne problems”

Thomas couldn’t imagine giving his heart to anyone again, not now and certainly not then. He’d dated in Madrid, but it had always stayed casual. He’d made sure of it. He could see now that he and Alastair had gotten together quickly, moved in together quickly, done all of it very quickly. After all, he’d fallen hard and fast. He gave all of himself to Alastair, and he’d nearly lost all of himself in the process.

“Your mom's ring in your pocket New picture in your wallet You won't remember all my Champagne problems

“You won't remember all my Champagne problems”

Now, he wondered what the rest of the story was. He’d convinced himself that Alastair had never loved him, that he was heartless and cruel, though he’d known that wasn’t true. Could Alastair have written this song if he’d never truly loved him? Perhaps he was a sociopath.

Thomas felt like he should run. Like he should pick up his bag and dart out of the apartment before Alastair could notice him, find some hotel somewhere with undoubtedly extraordinary high rates and just pretend like this never happened. He could get back on a plane and go back home to his parents and delete his phone browser history and pretend like this was all just a bad dream. But he could not move.

He didn’t know how many minutes had passed before Alastair’s door opened. He looked up with a start.

“Thomas,” Alastair breathed. He stood wide eyed, flushed.

“Do you two already know each other then?” Piers asked.

There was a moment of silence before Thomas cleared his throat. “We used to,” he said, looking down.

“I, er, I forgot that your friend was coming today,” Alastair told Piers. “It’s quite a long journey from London, you should have told me, I would have been quieter.”

Thomas considered correcting him for a moment, but decided not to. “Don’t worry about it. I heard you had your first big release. Congratulations.”

Alastair gave an awkward nod. “Thank you. Right, well, I’ll just…” He rushed over to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. “I’ll try to be a bit quieter.”

“Don’t- It’s fine, really. In fact, I’m sure there’s some hotel in the area I can stay at for now, actually-”

“Well, don’t leave on my account,” Alastair interrupted. “We agreed to let you stay here, and the city’s a bloody mess right now. I’ll stay out of your hair, Thomas.”

Thomas only nodded as Alastair disappeared back behind his bedroom door.

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