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#it’s agonizing and soul sucking and it’s like my parents were fucking hit on the head and made to conveniently forget that fact

ktheist · 3 years

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life is yours

muses. professor!fiancee!namjoon x reader x fiancee’s friend!past life husband! expecting father!yoongi

genre. reincarnation au. college au. pregnancy au.

word. 1.7k

x

you loved min yoongi, you’d die for him.

and died for him you did. when the traitors came for your king, you’d leaped in front of him and took a swing of the treacherous sword. history books portrayed him as the king who went mad. the king who slayed hundreds of lives in one night and ruled for fifty more years as a tyrant.

what are histories if not painted with a tragic romance?

they said it was because of you he went mad. because he lost his queen, his breath.

a few hundred years later, he’d found her again. at the age of twenty-seven and you, twenty-two.

his girlfriend was pregnant with his baby and you were professor kim namjoon’s student-turned-fiance.

“it’s funny, you know,” you took a whiff of the cigarette and breathe out through your mouth, “we can walk out of our current relationships and ruin everyone’s perception of us, or we can just lead the life we’re living like we didn’t remember anything.”

yoongi squints his eyes as he stares up at the sun. lips tucked downwards, as though telling the universe that after one lifetime too many, he’s unimpressed.

“or we could just run away,” he recalls the flames of the torches of that night - not as bright as today’s sun but just as mocking, “forget about everything and run away.”

“you make it sound so easy,” a laugh escapes your smoke kissed lips, “it’s not as if the people we’ve known and loved are fake, faceless puppets.”

this life is just as real.

though it would’ve gone much different if you’d met each other sooner.

yoongi taps the pointed corner of the invitation card on his palm. it tickles but it’s nothing compared to the burning sensation as he held onto the handle of the sword despite it grazing his flesh.

“how far along is she?” his girlfriend, you mean.

walking into namjoon’s office - the office you’d snuck into a few times too many but felt utterly alien - you saw the porcelain, snow-kissed complexion of your king. all at once, the memories hit you like a rain of shards.

and in each, individual shard, you see the images of your first step, first drawing, first embroidery and the first time you met yoongi. an arrogant boy whom you pushed into the koi pond.

the same boy who smirked at you the whole time during your engagement ceremony while you squirmed in your seat, scheming a runway and an apology at the same time.

and the man who strutted into the room, plopped on the left side of the bed and bade you good night on your first night as a married couple.

it was until three months later, that you trapped him under you and confronted him about it.

you thought yoongi, the crown prince turned king, had a lover. but he loved you too much to hurt you. they said you’re supposed to bleed on your first time. you laughed until your stomach hurt because you were happy beyond words that your husband was abstaining himself for you and not going around fucking a lover behind your back.

not even a year later, you caressed your stomach and giggled to yourself, thinking about yoongi’s stone cold expression turning pink and speechless. that night, the rebellion happened.

your last memories was of him holding you in his arms and calling out your name.

in this lifetime, your first memory of him is watching him smile a familiar smile that screamed awkwardness as namjoon relayed their youthful tales.

that was, until he got to the part where yoongi’s about to be a father.

all of a sudden, there’s a knot in your stomach. it twists and tightens until you feel like you’re going to puke if you didn’t excuse yourself, saying something about calling your mom that you’d be having dinner with namjoon and letting the two men catch up.

“ten weeks. we’re ten weeks pregnant,” he sucks in a deep, agonized breath - and from the way he’s gazing up at the sky with his hands on his hips, you don’t think he meant to hide his afflictions.

the way he refers to himself and her as ‘we’ makes that knot all the more painful.

“i was a seven weeks pregnant,” you smile softly to yourself, gazing down at your stomach as if you could feel your baby from your previous lifetime.

you shouldn’t have said it.

should’ve just kept quiet.

but-

“they told me you were eight weeks in,” the soft, breathless tone that comes from yoongi is what makes your heart beat again.

as if you’d come to life. as if min ___, the queen of joseon had come back to tell her king the one thing she wished to say. the one thing she wished for.

a family.

“taeyang. i was going to name him taeyang because he was going to be the sun of the dynasty and bring peace to the nation,” you laugh and it’s the choked up sound that you make that makes you realize you’re on the verge of crying.

“never thought i’d be talking about histories and dynasties with anyone - i hate history,” the confession slips out of you like you’re talking with an old friend. someone you trust wholeheartedly. someone you know you can confide in.

yoongi was your friend, your lover, your king.

“come with me. i have a savings account, we can start anew somewhere, we can have what we couldn’t have back then.” he turns to you and looks at you in the eye.

“what about your baby?” you ask because you know it’s meant for his future family.

“i’ll send child support every month,” he says.

“your parents?” you ask because his mother was a concubine and the king barely remembered his name out of the names of his many children.

in this lifetime, from the way namjoon candidly told the story, you know they love their eldest son as much as he loves them.

“they’ll adore you,” he says.

“no one’s gonna love a homewr- ah,” you hiss, dropping the cigarette that was trapped between your fingers until it burned your skin.

“___,” a familiar, deep but less gravelly tone reverberates against the walls as namjoon comes jogging at you like you’re a kid who just bruised her knee.

you study his face and yoongi’s eyes burn holes in your head.

from the way he meets your gaze and gives you ‘your fingers almost got burned and you’re looking at me?’ you think it’s safe to say that he didn’t hear what you were saying.

“i’m fine, i just burned my fingers because i got too engulfed in yoongi’s stories about how you two met,” you laugh at how namjoon’s inspecting your fingers more attentively than a doctor would.

“another reason to include in the long list of reasons not to smoke,” your finacee chides.

“that was my last,” you announce in a higher pitch than your usual voice - and that’s how namjoon knows you’re half-joking, even when you- “i promise.”

“anyways,” you place the injured hand on his chest to distract him - the way yoongi’s jaw tighten doesn’t go past you, “i talked to my dad because apparently my mom was cooking and couldn’t come to the phone and he said to tell you to bring me back before curfew.”

it’s the way namjoon freezes underneath your touch, his eyes blinking once and his soul retreating far back into his subconscious that makes you giggle.

“i’m kidding.”

only then, does he breathe again.

“my mom wasn’t cooking, she was watching her favorite show,” you say again.

it takes a split second for namjoon to put two and two together and tenses up again. as if he feels your father’s hardened gaze behind him. your father didn’t take it too well when you introduced your professor as your boyfriend who proposed to you a week before.

“it was nice meeting you, yoongi, we look forward to see you at our wedding,” you extend a hand, the playful smile reserved for namjoon, now directed at your king.

the king whom you died for. and the king who you’re telling to live his life, as you’ll live yours.

“wouldn’t miss my best friend’s wedding for the world,” he smiles, his hand grasping yours and you thought you’re going to combust from the electrifying sensation that runs through your veins.

but it’s only short-lived.

you pull your hand away and he summons his back to his side.

he turns to namjoon and gives him a pat on his shoulder, congratulating him again but this time, with a lingering stare before walking past the two of you and towards the parking lot.

“professor, i’ll get my purse from your office and we’ll be good to go.” you say absently before skipping to the opposite direction of where yoongi was headed.

with each step you take, you hear your heart breaking. just like the pieces of your memories that rains down like shards of glass.

you wonder if you’ll make it through this life without dying of a broken heart.

“i thought we fixed that?” namjoon murmurs behind you, just as you sling the strap of your purse over your shoulder.

“hm?” you turn to the man leaning against the doorframe, observing you with a crease between his brows.

“you called me professor again,” namjoon mumbles almost as if he’s sulking.

and your heart warms at the tender sight of a grown man acting like a child. you’re reminded of the reason you fell for kim namjoon. his gentle nature was the opposite of yours yet he laughed at your jokes like he laughed off your flirtatious advancements.

he told you he saw you as a student and lent you his scarf when he saw you shaking in the cold while waiting for your uber. the next time he saw you, at 11 pm before the library closes, he offered to drive you home even though his was in the opposite direction from yours.

“namjoon,” you say his name, a smile tucked on your lips as you wrap your arms around his waist and his arm that had been crossed over his chest instantly makes it way around you, “thank you.”

“for what?” his eyes light up like a christmas tree, dimple digging into his cheek.

“for choosing me,” you stand on the tip of your toes and he meets you halfway for the kiss.

and you loved min yoongi, you died for him.

you love kim namjoon, you choose to live the rest of your life with him.

x

note. so like, the title - technically, it’s like oc saying “my life is yours” to both yoongi and namjoon but in different lifetimes :D

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gothpanda · 4 years

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A Little Bit of Attitude Ch.25: Nikki Promised

WORD COUNT: 6.0k

A/N: I started Midnight Sun so i might turn emo in my writing lol I used to LOVE Twilight

WARNINGS: Angst!

TAGS: @madamsixx @emariehorror

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April 11, 1985

Walking hand in hand down the streets of Knott's Berry Farm with colorful lights gleaming everywhere and screams from roller coaster rides, Sammi cheerfully munched on a funnel cake that Nikki held for her, getting pieces fed to him at times. The two sat down on the closest vacant bench, Sammi sucking her fingers dry from any powder sugar that clung onto her skin, smiling like a child to Nikki. "Happy, Princess?" asked Nikki, snatching the final piece of funnel cake for himself. "Yes, I am! You're just proving to be very surprising these days," said Sammi. Nikki only shrugged his shoulders with a proud smile, looking out at all the people passing by them. "What can I say? I'm a man of mystery, you don't know what else I can do," joked Nikki, wrapping his arm around Sammi's shoulders. Sammi moved closer to Nikki, kissing him on the cheek, seeing his cheeks turn a light hue of pink. But maybe those were from the lights all around the place. "I still can't believe you've never been here. You've lived in California your whole life," expressed Nikki, playing with the ends of Sammi's hair around his fingers. "What can I say? I'm a woman whose parents didn't listen to my fun ideas," said Sammi, pouting playfully with a shrug.

"Oh, you poor soul. The princess didn't get something she wanted. However, did you live?" sarcastically asked Nikki, playing into Sammi's pout. Sammi shoved Nikki's shoulder, laughing along with the man. "You want to ride another roller coaster?" asked Nikki. For a moment, Sammi pondered scanning until seeing a lit Ferris wheel at the end of the road. This gave her a romantic idea that she didn't know Nikki would be up for right off the bat. Straightening up her shoulders, Sammi put on her best coy smile to Nikki, who can see the wheels turning in her head. "Maybe we can go on the Ferris wheel? See everything from high up?" suggested Sammi, fluttering her lashes at Nikki. Nikki only gave a short huff. "If you say please, then maybe," said Nikki. "Pleeeeeease," exclaimed Sammi, smiling big. Nikki stood up and laced his fingers with Sammi's hand to pull her up. "Alright, Princess. Whatever you want," said Nikki, kissing Sammi sweetly.

August 11, 1985

Gloomy weather came to a surprise for all of Los Angeles, raining the entire day since the morning. The rain calmly hit against the windows of apartment buildings, darkening the rooms. Emma and Sabrina walked down the hallway of their friend's apartment, carrying a bottle of wine in one hand, and the other holding a carryout bag of Sammi's favorite restaurant in the city. Standing right in front of apartment 23, Emma gently knocked on the door and let out a huff to Sabrina, not knowing what Sammi they were going to get. Emma knocked again but still got no answer. Sabrina moved Emma to the side, hitting harder a couple of times until they received no response. Sabrina leaned against the door to think while Emma glanced down at their feet, noticing a welcome mat beneath them.

"Sam really can't be that gullible and leave a key under the mat. Right?" asked Emma, grabbing the bottle of wine from Sabrina's hand, seeing her lift up a corner to reveal a spare copy key. "Never mind then!" Sabrina unlocked Sammi's front door, peeking inside to see everything dark in the living room. The girls slowly walked into the apartment, turning on a single light to find their way to the kitchen counter, placing their offers down. They could hear a radio softly playing in Sammi's room, sad pop music down the halls.

"Jesus. Not this again," Sabrina said under her breath, walking down the hall with Emma in tow, pushing Sammi's door open. The bedside lamp dimly illuminated the bedroom, curtains open to show off the gloomy weather. Sammi lay curled in the queen-sized bed, every blanket covering her, only a tuft of hair could be seen. Emma and Sabrina gave looks of worry to each other, Emma stepping in to turn off the radio while Sabrina yanked the blankets off the bed. Sammi groaned in annoyance, covering her face as she blindly searched for the sheets to cover herself.

"Go away!" groaned Sammi turning her back to the girls, smothering herself in the pillows. Emma sat at the foot of the bed, grabbing a thin black flat sheet to still give Sammi some comfort and cover her. Sabrina joined, feeling empathy that her friend had to go through this… again with someone she liked.

"We brought you some Italian food! It's from your favorite place," chimed Emma, a soft voice falling on deaf ears.

"I'm not hungry," moaned Sammi. Emma and Sabrina exchanged looks once more, sighing at the struggle of talking to Sammi.

"It's already going to be 7. Have you eaten anything today?" asked Emma.

"Come on, Sam, you can't be hiding in your room all day. You already did this whole routine," noted Sabrina.

"Sabrina's right, Sammi. It's not good to be this sad over Nikki," expressed Emma.

"Right, because you two absolutely know how I fucking feel right now," said Sammi, muffled in her pillow.

"You feel like shit because Nikki lied to you. Trust us, you can get over that while his ass is on a bus driving up and down the country," said Sabrina.

"You did it with Vince! I'm pretty sure Nikki won't take you that long!" chimed in Emma, squeezing Sammi's calf for reassurance.

"How about you two just leave me alone and fuck off? And while you're at it rat on me to Athena, Emma," spat out Sammi, still face down in her pillow. Sabrina rolled her eyes, getting up from the bed, ready to hit Sammi with a pillow. Emma only stayed calm, knowing why Sammi was acting difficult.

"Fine then! Cry about Nikki for all we care! I'll go with Emma and tell Athena every single little thing about the two of you. All the little dates you had behind everyone's back! Every time we had to cover for your ass. I'm sure Athena would love to hear how we're great friends," threatened Sabrina, crossing her arms as she looked down at Sammi, staying in place.

Sammi groaned, sitting up with dried tear marks on her face, making her complexion pink and splotchy. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to be a bitch," said Sammi, pouting at Sabrina. Sabrina sat back down on the bed, changing back to being sympathetic and kind. Emma grabbed some tissues from the nightstand, passing them for Sammi to wipe her face.

"We know you don't mean it, but why are you so hard on yourself? You're almost angrier this time," asked Emma, grabbing onto Sammi's hand. Slouching and letting out a heavy sigh, Sammi pushed away from her unkempt hair from her face before speaking. Sammi knew Emma and Sabrina were going to be there with open arms and ears, she just needed to remind herself about it.

"It's different. It's a different kind of lie that I let happen and didn't question. I could've been more on top of Nikki," confessed Sammi's slumping against the headboard. "I knew something was going to on with him, but I still managed to be dumb and naive,"

"You can't blame yourself because of Nikki's choices. He's the one who chooses to lie to get high. And if I'm being honest, no matter how hard you tried, he would've still found a way to get that drug," reassured Sabrina. "What makes you think it your fault?"

"Because I was with him almost every day!" agonized Sammi, rubbing her eyes. "How is it not my fault if I saw him shirtless and didn't see the needle tracks?"

"Sam, are you sure you're not just blaming yourself because another relationship failed?" asked Emma, knowing this sounded harsh but still needed to be said. Sammi looked away from her friends, thinking about everything, even if she felt drained.

"I thought he could've been different. Nikki promised…" wept Sammi, wiping away tears with her tissue. Emma and Sabrina reached out to Sammi, hugging her with all the love and care she needed. Sammi sobbed against Sabrina's chest, feeling Emma hug her from behind for comfort. It didn't take long for Sammi to stop herself from crying, sniffling as she pulled away from Emma and Sabrina, laying back down onto the bed. Sammi was confused about the emotions she dealt with, wanting the universe to give her a new deck of cards to play with. Her feelings kept getting hurt in the process, making her early twenties not so fun. Sammi felt helpless in this situation, wanting to help the men she cared about getting better. Vince's feeling alone didn't make her feel happy, it only made Sammi worry out of her heart's goodness. She then has to see a man Sammi had similar feelings for slowly killing himself by his choice. Sammi asked why did this have to fall in her lap and not just a life of simplicity. Emma and Sabrina laid down by Sammi, looking up at her ceiling while thinking of positive reinforcements to give out.

"You're going to be okay. You need to remember that, Sammi. What makes you think you can't move on from this bump in the road?" asked Emma.

"Because I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know if he's going to stop anytime soon. I don't know if he's going to influence Tommy to try it. How can I just watch him shoot up behind closed doors? I can't just stop having feelings for the kid within a day," begged Sammi, dragging a hand down her face.

"I can see your points, but he's still a grown man at the end of the day. Maybe Doc can help out in some way," suggested Sabrina. Sammi stayed silent, beginning to get lost in her deep thoughts. She thought about ways to distance herself from the band, almost like the last time Sammi did it. The one flaw in this was now, Sammi had been more involved with Motley than before. She didn't know what to do for once or how to react anymore. Sammi just stayed silent until Emma brought up the fact they had food for all of them. They all got up from the bed and made their way to the living room, Sabrina trying to find the corkscrew in Sammi's kitchen. Sammi dropped herself into the dining chair, looking ahead at the chair that Nikki kicked two days ago. She could see a small chip on the wood corner, hoping no one notices it enough to ask.

"Here. You're going to love some ravioli for your soul," smiled Emma, placing a cardboard takeaway container in front of Sammi. Sammi only remained silent and began slowly eating while sipping on a glass of wine Sabrina placed down. Resting her cheek against her palm, Sammi glanced at her TV stand to see a photo of Nikki she took. She only sighed out and stared down at her food again. *

In the most extravagant tour bus they have ever gotten to ride, Nikki sat in the corner as the band all drove down the night road. Vince was already asleep in his bunk and Tommy talking on the phone with Heather in the backroom, Nikki only staying silent among everyone. Head resting against the thin wall with hazy eyes, Nikki played with the necklace around his neck, head racing about the one girl that could never leave his mind. The man didn't know what to do after his outburst with Sammi, silencing the thoughts with any drug he could find along the way. Tommy would cut lines of things that were mixed by himself, noting it as Zombie Dust. Nikki didn't care what was in it; he just wanted something to erase Sammi from his mind. The short months of their romance affected Nikki in a way the man never asked for. He thought sex with Sammi was only going to be that sex with someone he shouldn't touch. Nikki didn't ask to catch feelings for a girl who brightened up everything around them and had a heart of gold. The man never asked to have Sammi give him genuine affection, something Nikki rarely felt. He wasn't the kind of person who knew how to like someone without the influence of drugs. Nikki was a shy man that felt big with something in his system. The short times he was 'sober' were when Nikki had Sammi around him, making him think freely for a moment. It made him notice how things aren't all about sex and that a person sometimes needs kindness from others. This scared Nikki, resulting in him creating a mess to hide in rather than accept it.

Mick broke Nikki's lost thoughts, sitting right in front of him while facing the sinking feeling of his bones again. Mick groaned as he tried to get comfortable in the seat, raising an eyebrow to Nikki. Nikki only gave him a nod, still playing with the necklace. "You okay, Nikki?" asked Mick.

"Yeah, I guess I'm just tired already," lied Nikki, looking out the window for a moment.

"That was fast. It's only been one show, and you slept through the final soundcheck," croaked Mick, sipping from the legitimate bottle of water he had in his wand.

"Well, my alarm wasn't working. Sorry for missing everything, I thought it was perfect the first time," barked Nikki, scowling at Mick. Mick only let out a huff, reconsidering asking this kind of question if Nikki was already in a bad mood.

"Listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Why didn't the little girl come to the show?" asked Mick, seeing Nikki scuff to himself and bite the inside of his cheek.

"How the fuck should I know? I'm not her babysitter," told off Nikki.

Mick cleared his throat, pressing his lips together as he leaned closer to Nikki over the table. "Yeah, but you are hooking up with her. That's a fact," whispered Mick, showing Nikki he would keep this conversation between themselves. Nikki's eyes shifted from Mick to the window, not knowing if he should be honest.

"How the fuck do you know that, Mick?" cautioned Nikki, hiding his hands from the table, nervously rubbing them together.

"You really think I can't put two and two together? I see how both of you look at each other after Vince fucked up, even before he fucked up for that matter. Every time we're at a strip club or bar, you suddenly don't want to be with other women, especially if Sammi's around. When she left for Miami, you passed up a girl that was throwing herself at you. Made up some dumb excuse for doing it. You aren't as slick as you believe, Sixx," answered Mick. Nikki only stayed silent, looking away from Mick as if he were a child getting caught with stolen candy. It was almost precisely that, Nikki getting caught, he took Sammi away from Vince's chance of reconciliation. "So, what happened, huh?" Nikki relaxed his body, slumping further into the seat.

"Vince told Sam I was still doing smack even though I promised her to stop. So we got into a fight at her place, and she said we were over," shared Nikki, resting his head against bare knuckles. Mick shook his head at Nikki, reading the emotions on his face.

"Well, Sixx, what are you gonna do now? Choose drugs over a girl who's way better than the trash that comes by?" questioned Mick, crossing his arms.

"It doesn't really fucking matter. She'll find some asshole that isn't like me or go back with Vince. I can see it already," spat Nikki.

"And what makes you think she'll choose Vince over you?"

"Because she's done it before. If he's nice enough and breaks it off with Sharise, she'll do it again. Trust me," said Nikki with negativity, reaching into his pocket to pull out a baggie filled with Tommy's zombie dust. As Nikki spread it out on the table, he could see Mick's disappointment staring straight at him. Nikki ignored that look, snorting three lines and forgetting everything as fast as he could. "Fuck Sammi," mumbled Nikki to Mick, feeling his brain turn off. Mick only shook his again before standing up slowly. "We both know you don't mean that," uttered Mick as the older man began walking to his bunk. Nikki could only rub his eyes, having the image of a betrayed Sammi in his mind.

September 10, 1985

The courtroom was freezing cold where Sammi sat, feeling the air vent hit her back as she sat next to Doc one row behind Vince. Cameras were all over the courtroom, the trail feeling like an eternity. Sammi biting her nails until Doc nudged her to stop. Vince nervously bounced his leg under the table, looking at everything but the judge. He would occasionally look over his shoulder, smiling a tiny bit at Sammi. Vince didn't see Sharise in the audience, mentally cursing at himself. 'She's still in Nebraska, isn't she?' thought Vince, rubbing his chin with anxiety. When everyone finished giving their statements about what happened almost last year, the judge stayed quiet until he decided.

"Vincent Neil Wharton, you are here by order to pay 2.5 million in restitution for the death of Nicholas Charles Dingley. Do you understand this, Mr. Wharton?" the judge asked, looking over his glasses at Vince. All Vince did was nod. "Alright then. Thank you, everyone, for your service today. Court is adjourned," the judge announced, hitting his gavel against his desk. Sammi let out a sigh of relief, dropping her head as she looked up, almost thanking god for cutting Vince some slack. Vince wiped off the sweat from his palms on his pants, shakingly standing up from his seat. He put on his sunglasses to not face the cameras, keeping his head down low the entire time. Sammi and Doc followed Vince from a few steps away, ignoring all the cameras that flashed around them. It wasn't until they were all in the courthouse parking garage that Vince let out the biggest sigh of relief. He leaned over the hood of his car, thanking anything in the universe for being helpful.

"Vince!" Vince straightened up to see Sammi run her way towards him, making the man open his arms wide. Sammi accepted the hug gracefully, swaying together for a moment as if they were dancing while holding on tight to each other. She couldn't help her smile into Vince's shoulder, Vince feeling the same way. "I'm so happy this over," confessed Vince as the two pulled away still with a smile. Doc came behind Sammi, patting Vince on the shoulder.

"That makes all of us, Vince. It's good we can close this chapter up now," said Doc. "Now we can get back to what's important,"

"When are you two going back on the road?" asked Sammi

"Thursday. It'll give Vince enough time to have a clear head for the road again," answered Doc, looking down at his watch. "I have to get going, but you two get home safe. And don't do anything illegal anymore," warned Doc as he walked away from the two to find his car.

"I promise! Sammi will take care of me!" shouted Vince, getting a confused look from Sammi. "What? You don't want to celebrate?" Sammi tugged her ear for a moment, thinking if this was the right idea.

"Celebrate how?" questioned Sammi, raising an eyebrow.

Vince shrugged his shoulders. "We could just buy some beers and burgers? Head to my place,"

"I am not going to your house!" protested Sammi, shooting a look at Vince as if he was a crazy man.

"Oh… right. Then your apartment is perfectly fine!" smiled Vince, hoping it could make Sammi say yes to him.

"Fine we can go to my place, but you're buying the burgers and beer. I'll meet you back at my place," accepted Sammi, turning on her heels in the direction of her parked impala. Vince smiled at himself as Sammi walked away, bouncing the balls of his feet.

*

A laugh echoed in Sammi's apartment, music playing in the background as the two sat on the floor in front of a coffee table while drinking a small cold 8 pack of Budweiser. Vince trying not to choke on his beer, withholding a chuckle from the story Sammi was telling of her childhood.

"I'll be right back. My hands feel gross from all the burger grease," said Sammi, standing up from the floor and heading to the restroom.

This gave Vince a quick chance to scan the living room after not being inside for a long time. Nothing drastically changed, except for new throw pillows and more photos on her tv stand. It was then that one photo caught Vince's attention, making him stand up to have a better look. He grabbed a polaroid that appeared out of place, seeing precisely what Vince thought he saw. Nikki relaxing on Sammi's sofa with a smile and a guitar in his lap, shirtless. Vince frowned hard at the photo, facing Sammi as he heard her walk back into the living room. Sammi scrunched her eyebrows at Vince for a moment, until seeing the picture in his hand. She tried to keep her composure, not reacting in a way that could be obvious.

"Since when the hell did Nikki come to your place?" asked Vince, holding up the photo.

"He's been here a few times," shrugged Sammi, sitting down on her sofa.

"Enough times to be shirtless in here?" Vince asked again, raising an eyebrow at the girl. Sammi scratched the side of her neck, looking away from Vince as she attempted to think of a lie.

"We… we had gone swimming that day with Emma and Sabrina. He… he brought his guitar to show us some new stuff," nodded Sammi, swallowing away her nerves. Vince narrowed his eyes at Sammi, studying every single movement she made. Vince knew precisely when Sammi was lying or when she needed to cover something up. The girl was horrible at it like she would say.

"You're terrible at lying, Sammi. We both know that for a fact," said Vince, keeping his distance from Sammi. Sammi rubbed her fingers together, trying to maintain eye contact with Vince. "Why did you take a photo of Nikki shirtless? And why was he in your apartment, looking like this?" asked Vince slowly, almost trying to be intimidating for Sammi's confession.

Sammi bit her lip as she looked up at Vince with scared eyes, breathing out a heavy sigh. "Because I've been sleeping with him," admitted Sammi, looking down at her hands. Vince's tense feeling left his body, dropping his shoulders as he stared at Sammi with lips gaping open. Vince didn't want to believe it, but at the same time wanted to yell that he knew all along. He threw the photo onto the coffee table, feeling his heart begin to race.

"I fucking knew it. I fucking knew he'd try to snatch you up," Vince whispered under his breath. "Since when the fuck have you two been going behind my back? Huh?!" shouted Vince.

Sammi still didn't dare to look right into Vince's eyes. "February," mumbled Sammi.

"When in February? After you flushed his drugs and he got angry at you? That shit put you in the mood to go to him?!"

"It was the same night I flushed his drugs… but Vince that wasn't the first time we had sex," confessed Sammi, looking right at Vince's angry eyes.

"Did you fucking cheat on me?" questioned Vince, scowling deep to Sammi. Sammi curled her lip, bolting up from the seat to stand up for herself. Her emotions went from guilty to annoy in a matter of seconds, staring coldly at Vince.

"No, I didn't fucking cheat you! Fuck you for saying that shit! Nikki and I had sex before we all went on tour. It was before you and I were even in a fucking relationship," barked Sammi, flaring her nostrils as her blood boiled.

"What the fuck Sammi?! You yourself told me that nothing happened!" snapped Vince.

"Yeah well, I lied. I guess we're both liars, except I had some decency unlike you!" criticized Sammi, pointing a sharp finger at the man.

"Decency? You fucked one of my friends! How does that make you decent?!" Vince shouted, stepping closer to Sammi.

"Oh, you really wanna talk about fucking friends? Please remember that the reason I went to Nikki was because I was pissed at you for fucking Amanda. And after all of that my dumbass still chose you!," told off Sammi, not afraid of Vince coming to her. Vince shook his head, pushing the hair out of his face.

"So you're a dumbass for being with me? You really think that?" asked Vince, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes I am! Because if I didn't forgive you the first time I wouldn't have gotten cheated on!" yelled Sammi, her voice cracking as she felt a knot in her throat. She blinked away the tears that were on the brink of escaping.

"Can you please stop bringing it up!?" begging Vince.

"Why?! It happened! You fucked me over! Twice! You're not a saint, Vince. You can't be mad at me for doing something that didn't involve you!" shouted Sammi.

"So my feelings can't get hurt because you slept with someone else?"

"They can feel hurt, but don't act like I did something horrible when I was still your girlfriend. I didn't cheat on you. I never touched anyone when I was with you because I loved you. And I told Nikki that every time he tried to do something. Even with the few times, he said you were going to hurt me," shuddered Sammi, looking down at her feet.

"And I love you. You're the only woman I can say that to. I love you and I am sorry for everything I did. But I don't want my chances to be ruined because of Nikki," said Vince, gently holding onto Sammi's shoulders. Sammi pushed Vince away, stepping towards the window as she dropped her head in the palms of her hands.

"Nikki and I are done. I yelled at him for the heroin and said it was over," said Sammi, leaning on the window sill with crossed arms to keep her guard up. "But Vince… the idea of you and I again isn't going to happen any time soon,"

Vince looked away from Sammi, seeing the happy polaroid once again. He thought about how that was the few times Nikki smiled for anything. All the man did was grab his blazer from the dining chair, putting it on in silence. "Alright, Sammi. I'm going to leave you alone. If you say us getting back together isn't going to happen, then I'll leave it. If you want to have fun with Nikki, then you go do that. I'm not going to stop you from living," declared Vince, keeping his gaze away from Sammi. "I just have one question,"

"What is it?" Sammi replied, wanting Vince to leave.

"Do you believe you can love Nikki the way you loved me?" asked Vince as he looked right into Sammi's eyes, studying her beautiful face to see if she would say no.

"I can't answer that. It's not simple," lied Sammi.

"Yes, it is. Even if it's just a hunch," uttered Vince.

"I don't know, Vince. I really don't know," answered Sammi with full honesty. This only made Vince not say another word, turning on his heels as he headed to the door, leaving Sammi alone. Sammi dropped herself onto the sofa, dragging her hands down her face, exhaling as if she was holding her breath for a long time. She reached over the coffee table, grabbing the polaroid that began this mess. Sammi smiled from seeing how soft Nikki appeared, reminding her of something beautiful.

May 5, 1985

"I'm so happy I got some new film for my camera!" beamed Sammi, dashing down the hall with the polished piece of equipment in her hands. Nikki relaxed in the small living room, feet up on the coffee table while lazily strumming on his new acoustic guitar. The sun shining into the apartment on the days turning into summer. It was a peaceful afternoon where no work obligations needed to be done, and the couple would hide away without anyone knowing. Nikki was starting to enjoy these moments. Nikki's attention got pulled by a flash as he heard the camera print out the picture. Sammi pulled the photo out, shaking it as it developed.

"Why'd you take a photo of me?" questioned Nikki smirking at Sammi. Sammi only shrugged her shoulders with the playful smile on her lips, tiptoeing her way in front of the sofa.

"You looked so nice that I just had to take a photo," giggled Sammi, aiming the camera right at Nikki. Nikki bit his lip to withhold his smile, trying to keep the same tough-guy appearance he always upheld. Nikk stiffened his face, frowning while hiding his eyes behind his hair as he posed for Sammi. Sammi shot a look at Nikki, tilting her head in a scowl. Nikki raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Can you smile please?" asked Sammi with a pout. Nikki groaned but still couldn't help and laugh from Sammi's request. "Fine, but don't tell anyone I smiled," threatened Nikki, giving a genuine smile at the camera. It was soft, showing a small glimpse of his teeth and made Nikki look different. The difference filled the air with warmth, not thinking about anything. Sammi snapped the photo in glee, dropping it on the table to develop. "Your secret's safe with me," said Sammi, falling on the empty space by Nikki.

Nikki looked down at his guitar for a moment, strumming along with the small smile still on him. It disappeared when he felt the aches of no heroin in his system anymore. Nikki just swallowed hard and tried his best to act normal around Sammi, not wanting to see her beaming mood go away.

Sammi closed her eyes, resting the photo against her forehead, letting out an exhausted sigh. All Sammi wanted to do was sleep without a care in the world, not wanting to think about Vince running to everyone with her secret. Her mind began to wonder about how everyone on the bus would react. Would Tommy freak out on Nikki and yell at him? Would Vince hit him as soon as he sees Nikki? Is Nikki just going to act like an asshole to everyone, say nothing mattered to him? These thoughts ran through Sammi's mind before anyone knew about them, but now they're permanent.

September 12, 1985

` Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang "What the fuck," muttered Sammi, frowning as she slowly tossed her legs off the bed. The clock on her bedside reading 6 in the afternoon. BANG BANG BANG BANG. "Okay! I'm coming!" screamed Sammi, speeding to the front door. With a strong force as she opened the door, Sammi's dark wrinkled eyebrows turned soft, surprised to see Athena scowling immediately.

"What's wrong, Athena? Why are you trying to break my door?" asked Sammi. Athena didn't answer, pushing past Sammi and threw her purse on the breakfast bar. Closing the door behind her, Sammi carefully walked to Athena, racking her brain with questions.

"You know for someone who is so bad at lying, you've gotten pretty great at it!" told off Athena.

"What?" questioned Sammi, scrunching her eyebrows at Athena.

"Vince came by my place the other day. He came to tell me a story about my little sister hiding a whole relationship. And it just so happened to be with the one person everyone told her to stay from!" shouted Athena, stabbing her index finger right onto Sammi's chest. Sammi didn't know what to say, standing frozen as she averted her gaze. "Why are you messing around with Nikki?! I freaking knew you were hiding something and I should've said it!" Sammi scratched the side of her neck with flushed cheeks, scared to see the betrayal in Athena's eyes. "Well?!"

Sammi sighed out, slouching her shoulders as she tried her best to explain. "What did Vince tell you?"

"That you and Nikki have been going behind everyones back since February. That you two had sex before you all left last year. Why? Tommy and I told you repeatedly to avoid Nikki, especially knowing Vince liked you!"

"Yeah well I got with Vince and look where that fucking got me! You don't even know Nikki, Athena. You've never given him the chance to get to know him," argued Sammi, aiming to keep her voice at bay. She didn't want another yelling match and a neighbor to be knocking like last time.

"I don't need to know him to know that he's just some loner who loves drugs. He's good at playing the bass. That is all I will give him in good qualities," said Athena, cringing at the thought of Nikki. Sammi narrowed her eyes at Athena, tilting her chin.

"You do realize that Tommy falls into that category of loving drugs right? And so does Vince. They all love drugs, trust me I saw it first hand. Where you and I also partook in it!"

"It's different!"

"How?! How is it different?"

"Because it's not hard drugs! Tommy, Mick, or Vince aren't sneaking around shooting up. Is that why you like Nikki?" stated Athena, frowning

"Would you even care to know why I like Nikki or are you just so far up Vince's ass that you can't listen?" asked Sammi.

"What? How am I up Vince's ass?!"

"Giving him my number! Being on his side after he cheated and saying 'people make mistakes'," said Sammi in a shriveled tone to mock Athena. "Stop thinking about Vince and be my sister! This is why I never told you!"

"I already told you I was sorry about that, but can you honestly tell me Nikki is better than Vince? If you two got together, you wouldn't be crying or fighting?" asked Athena, stepping closer to Sammi.

"We're not together anymore, but I can say from the bottom of my heart that while Nikki isn't perfect, he still made me happy. Like I said, you don't know him and you probably never will," sighed Sammi, feeling the sadness of the past month creep back up into her chest. Athena could visibly see the expression Sammi held, not knowing if she could say anything right. "It's over and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm not even going to be seeing him for months so it's perfect," mumbled Sammi, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Then maybe it's for the best. I just hope nothing bad happens over on the bus. Vince already left," said Athena, folding her arms against her chest. "I do have one more question," Sammi shrugged her arm and rolled her eyes to signify Athena to ask away. "Did Emma know?"

"Yes, Emma and Sabrina both knew but not right away. Please don't get mad at Em for holding my secret," begged Sammi, biting the inside of her cheek.

Athena sighed, shutting her eyes. "Alright. I won't. She was your friend first,"

"Thank you. Now, do you want to have dinner or…?"

"Sure, I'll help you cook," said Athena, walking over to hug Sammi. Sammi was hesitant at first, but still wrapped her arms around Athena's waist and rested her cheek on her shoulder. "I'm sorry things didn't work out with Nikki," Sammi stayed silent, pulling away from Athena as she began walking to the kitchen. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. Sammi didn't need to think about Nikki or Vince for a long while. Those two men played in her mind at random, and Sammi only wanted it to stop. Praying that no one makes a phone call to her about any of these, and Sammi can be normal for a moment.

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wuxian-vs-wangji · 4 years

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Hello. You said before that you wrote a supernatural fanfic that you lost? I was just wondering if you could say what it was about (if you want to, I don't want to be a bother)? I read some of your other fics and while I don't understand a lot because I'm not in those fandoms I feel like you would have a better end of Supernatural than whatever that was we just got (If you've heard about that). Sorry for long ask, thank you if you answer or if you don't!

Oh, I’ve heard about it, LMAO!

I used to be deep in the SPN fandom on tumblr. Went to a con, met Jared, Jensen, Misha, Jim (got a photo with all 4 of them!), Kim, Rachel, Richard, Matt, and even met Genevieve in passing! Oh, and the guy who played Dick the Leviathan. I totally blank on his name. I think I bailed around season... 8 or 9?

Kind of rage-quit after they killed off Kevin. At that point they’d just done too much of that crap in a single season and it was pretty obvious they’d lost any semblance of care for the writing, so I bailed.

I’m fine talking about the plot of my fic. When I’d had time to process the shock of losing more than 200 pages of writing *sobs* I posted a summary of how it was supposed to go for my readers. When I do that it’s my way of saying “I quit forever”.

I’ll put the main answer below the cut, since it’ll probably end up being long. My fic was in the form of an entire season of SPN, one 45-47 page chapter per “episode”, so it’s a bit to summarize...

The story took place at some indeterminate point after Season 6. It was written to be independent of the Leviathan Storyline, but really could fit in just about anywhere. I think I’d used details from the season where Sam Carter from SG1/SGA was an evil angel lady, but also it was heavily anchored in Seasons 1-6.

It started with mass destruction in this one town. In the middle of the crater something ragged and uncontrolled and evil appeared. Seriously- destruction was the core of it all. Pure, raw, uncontained power lashing out at everything.

And then the creature at the center of the swarm starts to walk away, leaving a path of destruction behind it.

After a chapter or two of monster-of-the-week type stuff, Sam and Dean started hearing whispers of this thing. Like it was circling them. Through Cas they find out that Heaven is on edge- something has escaped from the deepest, darkest corners of Heaven’s Prison (Dean makes a comment about how hell is supposed to be heaven’s prison, but Cas explains that there are some things too horrible to be sent to hell, away from the watchful guard of angels).

My favorite chapter of anything I’ve ever written opened with people shopping in a store in some small town, kind of a boutique store, and there is a sudden violent quake, everything goes pitch black, then kind of orange. They hear strange noises and long story short Hell is basically growing unstable, collapsing on itself, and this store just randomly fell into Hell. With all the dicking around on the surface with the apocalypse and Leviathans and whatever the fuck else, reality is essentially collapsing in on itself. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and the mortal world are all colliding.

Sam and Dean are trying to figure out why this store just kind of vanished (the authorities say sinkhole but it’s basically a crater where this thing once stood) when Sam collapses.

Dean gets him to the hospital and is suddenly dizzy. He turns and finds himself trapped in his own mind, where the thing circling them appears. It needs something from Hell, Dean needs to save the humans, and neither can complete their goal without the other.

The woman (it is all in black and appears to have no face, but speaks with a female voice) has ripped a piece of Sam’s soul away. He is trapped in horrific agony and the woman will leave him there forever if Dean doesn’t help her.

She manages to open a path between this world and hell and Dean goes back to hell with her.

When they return (somewhat victorious but it’s very gory and a lot of people died), Dean has no idea what it is she’s taken. But also where there was once swirling black mist under the hood of her cloak, there is a face rotted, ripped, and destroyed.

Adventures, Adventures, Adventures

The boys cross paths with the woman again. She’s stronger now and her face is looking more human-esque. Castiel is also extremely agitated as he learns about this woman and all he’ll tell Dean is that he needs to kill her on sight. Castiel gives Dean one of the angelic blades for protection (Cas was with them for a lot of the story but I can’t remember what I had him doing).

Dean comes across this thing again, it is standing over Sam as he screams and writhes and so he stabs it with the angelic blade- the thing that should kill anything.

It doesn’t do shit.

Adventure, drama and whatnot later (around what would be episode 19) the story comes out in fits and bursts:

Once upon a time, in the 1600s, Zachariah decided to make an apocalyptic safety net. He manipulated events to bring together a Campbell and Winchester line (implied Sam and Dean are descended from siblings of these two). The couple had two children- Elizabeth (older) and Matthew (younger).

Two powerful demon hunting families were outcasts in their village. They were forced to live far from the main settlement, and one day the villagers went all witch-hunt-ie and burned the parents alive. Elizabeth and Matthew (only a small child) were left alone.

One winter, as Matthew was dying and Elizabeth- barely alive herself- was hunting in the forest, she came across a young native American man. It was love at first sight. She collapses and he follows her tracks to carry her back to her hovel. When she comes to he’s built a fire, prepared some food (Elizabeth was a shit hunter, couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn from 3 feet away), and has also given Matthew some herbs that help break his fever.

Elizabeth and the young man (I can’t remember what name i gave him) fell deeper in love over that winter. But right when she starts to think things are getting better, the villagers are incensed. They attack, and make Elizabeth watch as they burn Matthew and her love. At this point Matthew is like 6, so, you know, truamatic.

Elizabeth is deemed a feeble-minded woman and kind of thrown aside. That night she goes on a rampage and murders a lot of the villagers in their beds before they catch her and hang her.

But that wasn’t the end of Elizabeth Winchester’s story. It was the beginning.

Elizabeth was a safety net for the apocalypse. Her soul should have gone to Hell for what she did, but instead Zachariah dragged her up into Heaven’s Prison. There, Zachariah tortured Elizabeth for 400 years (which is idk in heaven-time, there is a whole segment of the fandom who analyzes the time in heaven/hell vs on earth).

She became, essentially, a demon made by Heaven itself. They were trying to get her to say ‘yes’ to Michael. That way, if Dean proved to be a turd (spoiler alert: the biggest turd), heaven could resurrect Elizabeth and Michael has a backup. One of the main tortures Zachariah employed was literally strapping angelic grace to her. Demons on Earth are burned up when they catch a glimpse of Grace, but in Heaven she couldn’t even die, so it both drove her overwhelmingly insane and also made her incredibly powerful.

After Zachariah’s death she was forgotten, and left in her cage with that grace burning her soul for years.

Bobby, Jo, Ellen, etc. canonically wander through heaven at-will, evading angels when needed. They were the ones who found their way into the prison and brought her out, but too quickly lost control of her and she returned to the world of the living herself.

A demon with the grace of an archangel.

Bobby, Jo, Ellen, etc. made a pact with her- they let her go, she enters the Cage and destroys both Lucifer AND Michael.

What appeared to be Elizabeth torturing Sam (it kinda was- she’s half demon remember) was also a sort of act of kindness. Sam’s soul was still lashed to The Cage. It was covered in the markings of that place, and when he died it would suck his soul back in. Elizabeth was removing those marks- essentially skinning Sam’s soul and applying those pieces to herself to give her access to the Cage. Taking Dean with her to Hell was also so she could get something that would help her in the Cage.

As they are preparing for her to rip apart the rest of the marks on Sam’s soul (which may kill him), Heaven is trying to intervene to stop her (because Team Michael and they want the apocalypse back on track). They send an archangel to stop her--

The young man she’d fallen in love with back when she was human.

It turns out the man was an angel all along- he played her and arranged his own horrible end (and that of her brother) to push her over the edge. They needed a pure soul with a bit of demonic power to maybe give Elizabeth an edge as a vessel for Michael.

She rips the grace out of the angel. Zachariah’s torture- constantly strapping her to a grace and ripping it away taught her how. It is the most agonizing and horrific end to an angel possible, her act of vengeance.

Eventually Elizabeth would make it to Hell, rip Michael’s grace from Adam, and the Cage would seal behind her after she sent Adam back up. There was going to be a sequel (second season) in which Elizabeth returns.

Her relationship with Sam and Dean in “season 1″ was very contentious and kind of frenemy-esque (think Meg at times). “Season 2″ was going to be more about her just not knowing what to do now. She can’t trust heaven or hell, so she kind of ends up lost and following the Winchesters on their hunts without them noticing her at first or being able to speak to her (like she only shows up sometimes and then vanishes again).

“Season 2″ wasn’t really planned out, but by the end of it they’d have found out Chuck was God. As a sort of apology/ way to get them to stop constantly resurrecting people in the goddamn show/ reward Elizabeth’s soul was “healed” of it’s demonic edge, the Grace would fully anchor (making her an archangel), and she would be given a new realm of death to rule over- one for hunters or supernatural creatures who had been resurrected or in some way used by Heaven or Hell to spend their afterlife at peace.

No chance of resurrection, no matter the spell, and no interference even by other archangels. The hunters dicking around with the paths through heaven would be sent there too (for their protection, the angels in heaven were starting to hunt them in return).

I feel like I’m missing details, I somewhat repress my memories of this fic because losing it was that traumatic, but yeah. That was the general thrust of it.

#ask #supernatural #my writing #if anyone ever read the unfinished 'shadow season'#that is what it was #i believe back then i was pretendthisiswitty on ff.net #it had a huge following #well over a hundred comments by chapter 12 #but yeah #after i lost 200 freaking pages #some of it the best writing i'd ever done #i just couldn't touch it again #stupid harddrive crash #now i save all my writing in 3 places and draft 1 is done in pen on lined paper #Anonymous #project echo and valkyrie wars each cannibalize favored elements from the Lost Fic #like Nessa; being a hero with the origin story of a villain #someone who has every reason to be cruel and savage being unable to deny her kind heart #or the norn and the mystery of what happened to them after they died that made them reappear so powerful #skuld succumbing to her own power and going insane while verdandi desperately tries to hold their family together #until she has to kill her own sister #the shadows of that fic live on in others

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ghoulishnightmare · 4 years

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I have a lot of projects that I wanna start but a wave if depression hit me and I really wanna die lmao usually around these months I just want a car to crush my skull against the pavement

My Christmas and birthday present were the money I was supposed to recieve from the car insurance but my family didn't do shit when they sent me off into a psych ward so i dont have my mom's death certificate and I've done so much just to get it so that I can then go and have this lawyer help me cause my uncle who passed away (same aunts did all the paperwork there I saw it on the computers) got insurance for the car and totaled it, they didnt tell me until it was too late and now it's too late I will probably never recieve the money and I need it to fix the house and go back to studying and better my situation

They keep telling me it's not my own money I shouldn't count it in but it's the only thing my parents left me, it expires before my mom's and my bday so hooray for me and merry fucking christmas

And due to the fact that I cant do anything about it my eating disorder is acting up and guess what! Its competitive, my gf has gotten skinnier and I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin I just want to be skin and bones and I want to self harm but I dont wanna hurt her. I'm going to drive her away I'm not a real person I'm not and shes the only good thing that's happened to me in a while and its gonna suck but shes be better off without me even if I love her and the emotional pain and abandonment fear is something I want to experience because I'm in it to destroy. I want to hurt in every way possible and once I'm agonizing on the floor I feel like I can finally end it

Mind body and soul, leave absolutely no trail behind

#suicide tw #people dont care about this blog anyway

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rudennotgingr · 7 years

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I Won’t Blame You (4/4)

Summary: After a night of too much drinking, James wakes up to find someone sharing his bed.

A/N: Apologies once again for taking so long. Life has really tried to beat me down. But...here we are! Last chapter! Wahoo! Beta'd by the wonderful @jabber-who-key. Also, just a reminder, I'm not sure what the standard medical care for pregnancies is in the UK, so all my images and knowledge comes from my experience in the US.

Or Read Here: Teaspoon or Ao3

For twelve agonizing days, James spent his time distracting himself at work or making plans. Plans to show Rose how sorry he was. Plans to prove that he really did want to spend the rest of his life with her. Plans to make up for at least a fraction of the pain he had caused her.

Plans he still wasn't sure he was actually going to carry out.

It's not that he wasn't sorry. He was. He was so very miserably sorry. He had barely eaten since he had last seen her, the replay of what she had said to them that night a steady soundtrack to his every move that made his stomach turn unpleasantly. He would probably never completely forgive himself for hurting her the way he had.

It's not that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her either. He very much did. He had never wanted anything more.

But it wasn't just her anymore. It was her and the baby. A baby he still couldn't seem to wrap his brain around no matter how hard he tried. Shouldn't that be a sign right there that he was totally, completely, undeniably unfit to be a parent?

But what parent was ever 100% confident they were doing everything right? Or anything right for that matter?

He didn't know. He wasn't friends with many parents. Couldn't even think of a single name. Surely someone at work had children?

Did he really want to ask advice from mere acquaintances on such an important matter though?

This is how it had been every night since the last night he had spent with Rose; his mind running uselessly in circles, never reaching a conclusion.

He rolled over in bed and angrily punched his pillow before burying his face in the newly formed indentation. He had hoped to come to some sort of decision before the ultrasound.

He twisted his head to the side, peering at the bedside clock with one eye. He groaned and smashed his face back into the pillow.

Six hours to go and he had no earthly clue what it was that he truly wanted.

.....

He arrived at the clinic five minutes before Rose did. He had shot a text to her that morning, double checking the time and place.

In all actuality he had arrived twenty minutes before her. But he had spent the first fifteen waiting in his car.

Sitting inside the lobby, he flicked the pages of some sports magazine without reading the contents. He stared, unfocused, at the pages spread over his lap, waiting for Rose to arrive. His ankle of one leg rested on the knee if the other and jiggled incessantly. His heart was racing and he felt as if the world around him was muted, like he was looking through a layer of water. The rich blue paint and tastefully chosen art of flowers and smiling babies were not having the intended, and desired, effect of soothing him.

The door to the lobby opened, creating a small breeze in the tiny room. James and the one other occupant, a woman about Rose's age and at least six months pregnant, looked up.

He sucked in a sharp breath. It was Rose, dressed in jeans, trainers, and a plain lavender jumper. She was stunningly radiant. She ran a hand through her hair, calming the wind tossed strands as she cast her eyes around the room. Even from this distance, he could see her posture relax as her gaze locked with his. She gave him a small smile then walked to the reception desk to check in.

When she was finished, Rose came and sat beside him. He could smell her strawberry shampoo and he yearned to reach out to her, to touch her in some reassuring way. She made no move to close the distance between them, using the wooden arms of the chairs as a firm barrier. Guilt and hurt gnawed at his insides.

James caught her nibbling her thumb from the corner of his eye. Fuck, he was a selfish bastard. Here he was, feeling sorry for himself just because she wasn’t paying him enough attention. Yet she would have no way of knowing what he had decided and she was probably nervous about the scan without the added concern of if he was going to stay with her or not. He balled his left hand into a tight fist, until his nails dug into his palm. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and wiped his mind clear.

Rose.

He was here for Rose.

“Nervous?” he asked softly, leaning towards her but respecting her space.

She froze, thumb between her teeth. Her eyes were fixed on some unseen object before her and she took in a shaky breath.

Shit.

Could he do anything right? Maybe he should have kept his fat gob shut. Maybe he shouldn’t have even come at all.

“I didn’t think you would come,” she admitted, raw vulnerability making her voice break. She continued to stare ahead, dropping her hand into her lap.

“Rose…” He poured every ounce of remorse and love into her name, begging her to look at him. He wanted her to see that the dark circles under her eyes matched his own, that his skin was just as red and splotchy from tears beneath the freshly cleansed facade as hers. That he needed her just as much as she needed him. If not more.

He could tell she was holding her breath as she turned to look at him, much slower than he would have liked. Maybe that was just his brain playing tricks on him, slowing down time around them to emphasize what an ass he had been and force him to see just how bad he had hurt her so that he would (hopefully) never do it again.

Even if he still had no idea what his final decision was going to be.

Staring into her eyes, some long forgotten quote about eyes being the window to a person’s soul flitted uselessly in his mind. Tears were building in her eyes, making them shine and clouding the emotions she was currently feeling from his view. Or was it his eyes that were fighting back tears and making the world blurry? If he looked away for the slightest fraction of a second and the skewed vision was still there, he would know it was him. He couldn’t bring himself to find out. The need to keep watching her burned too intensely within his chest.

Something like comfort settled around them, warm and reassuring. Uncertainty hovered at the edges of their own little bubble. But for now he felt like he was in the right place at the right time. It hit him, painfully and directly in his heart, that he always felt this way around Rose, as if they were made for each other.

The breath she had been holding came out in a shaky sigh, and her eyes dropped to his lips in a movement so quick he nearly missed it.

He became lightheaded, whether from holding his own breath or talking himself in frantic circles as to whether he should kiss her or not, he wasn’t sure.

“Rose Tyler,” a high, cheery voice called out.

James blinked rapidly and pulled back, Rose turning her head in the direction of the voice. A nurse, he realized. One they hadn’t even heard come into the waiting area.

“Yeah?” Rose responded.

“You’re up,” the nurse replied with a wide, friendly smile.

Rose glanced at him over her shoulder.

“After you,” he whispered, standing up and holding his arm out to further indicate he would follow.

She got up and walked towards the nurse, who was now holding open the door to the hidden maze of offices and waiting medical rooms. James followed both the women, tuning out their quiet chit chat and shuddering as he walked through the door. He hated medical buildings, avoided them at all costs. He had spent far too much time in them as a boy when his mother had fallen ill. Time that didn’t make one lick of difference when it came to being able to heal her and give her her life back. This was just a grim reminder of death and how inevitably it will catch up to you, usually much sooner than anticipated.

He found himself being seated next to Rose in a surprisingly large room. It had to be larger than most other rooms to hold the exam table and medical gadgetry necessary for the scan he reasoned out as the nurse left the room. He barely registered the woman saying that the doctor would be with them in a few minutes.

James snorted. More like in an hour.

“What’s so funny?”

“Hmm?” He jerked his head to look at Rose beside him. “Oh, that? Nothing. Just...she said in a few minutes and I am finding myself to be highly doubtful.”

She shook her head, a small smile tugged momentarily on her lips.

“Why aren’t you on the exam table?”

“Were you not listening?”

“Er...sorry. I sort of, quite unintentionally I assure you...spaced out.”

“Unintentionally?” She crossed her arms, leaning away from him and scowling.

He scratched at the back of his neck and looked down at the floor. His reasoning suddenly seemed incredibly lame. “I don’t like medical facilities,” he mumbled.

Silence stretched between them once more, long and infinite and crushing. He had cocked it up, again. Surely he was well past strike three and should just be kicked to the curb so that Rose could find someone who wasn’t so useless.

“I’m sorry.”

He glanced up, finding her watching him with sympathy instead of judgement.

“I forgot...about your parents. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he choked out, his throat dry and scratchy. Images of hospital upon hospital, doctor upon doctor, useless tests upon useless tests sprang into his mind and he mentally batted at them. He hadn’t thought about the death of his mother in a very long time. No one ever did find out what had caused her illness and untimely death. His father was never the same after that. He let his eyes slip shut, gathering up all the painful memories one by one, ever so carefully, and thrust them into a deep recess of his brain before one could slip from his grip. At least all those years of practice still came into use.

The sound of a knock on the door made his eyes whip open. A woman who looked to be in her mid-forties entered slowly, another smiling face here to greet them.

Within seconds of the doctor sitting down and introducing herself, beginning to explain the procedure and trying to address any concerns, James found himself having an out of body experience. He could hear the words that Rose and the doctor were saying, but he could no longer comprehend them. He didn’t feel the leather seat beneath his rear, but instead a solid weight along his entire backside, as if he were pressed against the ceiling. Being on the ceiling would explain the weird view he was having of looking down on the two women. But it didn’t explain how he was looking at himself, at his entire body, if he was, in fact, now on the ceiling. And how did he even get there? How was he not falling?

How was the James below him sitting there so bloody calmly while everything happened around him. He was so busy yelling at himself for being a fool that he didn’t need to consciously avert his eyes while Rose was changing. And when had the doctor left the room? When had Rose ended up on the exam table, trousers exchanged for a loose blanket that covered her bottom half?

The doctor rentered, her mouth moving, but no sound reaching his ears. She positioned herself on a stool at Rose’s feet, pulling on latex gloves and prepping the machine.

The ultrasound was about to start and he was going to miss it.

At least the James down below would be getting a good view and had moved in closer to Rose, like a good husband should. The monitor, displaying what was going on inside Rose’s body, holding all the answers to so many of their questions flickered to life. He couldn’t see what was on the screen from his current angle, only that there was a muted light emanating from where he knew the screen to be. He caught Rose’s awkward wince as the doctor inserted the end of the sonogram probe in a place James was highly possessive of.

What the bloody hell was he doing on the ceiling?

His heart raced and his chest became unbearably tight, resulting in a distinct light headedness. He was going to pass out. What would happen? Would he fall from the ceiling? Remain up there for eons on end, never knowing what happened between Rose and the James standing rigidly at her side?

The doctor’s mouth was moving again, and James began screaming, infuriated at himself for not being able to hear what was happening. Hot tears burned the back of his eyes.

Something in him snapped. Or maybe his whole body snapped. He wasn’t sure. He was only sure of the fuzzy resolution on the monitor, a small blob with something flickering rapidly in the center of black nothingness.

“--perfectly normal heartbeat,” the doctor said with a smile.

James grabbed Rose’s hand, squeezing tightly as if he were afraid of floating back up to his private plateau of hell.

He was back. He was where he belonged, with Rose. Tears still pooled in his eyes, one rolling down his cheek as his heart overflowed with so much joy he thought it would burst. Rose looked up at him in concern, moisture glistening in her own eyes, a relieved smile on her face that was not echoed in her gaze.

He had nearly lost everything that was proving to be the most important to him. He knew without a doubt what his answer would be. How could it be anything else?

He raised her hand, tenderly brushing his lips across her knuckles. “I love you.”

The sparkle he loved so much finally surged into her eyes, as if she knew what he was really saying.

This was Rose, of course she knew.

…..

James stood on the sidewalk just outside the clinic, hands thrust into his pockets and feeling substantially lighter than he had in weeks. The cloudy grey sky overhead did nothing to dampen his spirits. Let it rain if the earth decided to do so. Rain was good. Rain brought new life. He took a deep breath, a smile on his face as he thought about the tiny new life blossoming in Rose’s belly.

The door opened behind him and he spun around quickly, grinning from ear to ear as Rose exited the building. He had given her space to finish checking out and set her next appointment, or whatever else she had to do. It was all he could do to not wrap her in his arms and hold her as close as physically possible. He owed her a proper apology and a proper answer before he attempted to return their relationship to normal.

“So…” she began, watching him carefully, like he was a wild animal she didn’t want to startle away.

“Will you go out with me?” he blurted, rocking forward on his toes.

“Excuse me?” She was blinking rapidly, caution morphing into concern.

“Will you go out with me? On a date? I mean, I know we’re still, er, that is legally speaking, we’re still married. But I was wondering, sort of hoping really, that you would like to go out on a date with me. A proper date.”

“James, I--”

“Please.” He stepped forward, closing the distance between them in one easy movement. He hesitated, drawing in a shaky breath, before placing his forehead against hers. “Let me make it up to you,” he whispered.

Rose bit her lip, her breathing uneven, and eventually nodded her head.

“Brilliant!” he exclaimed, jumping back and giving a delighted little turn which he nearly miscalculated, coming dangerously close to falling face first off the sidewalk. Rose’s resulting laughter was more than worth the embarrassment. “I’ll pick you up tonight, around 6:30. That’s-that’s ok, yeah? I mean...if not, we can do it some other time. I just sort of figured...why wait?”

She shook her head, this time being the one to erase the distance between them. He sucked in a breath then stopped breathing altogether. “That’s fine.” She stretched onto her tiptoes, placing a quick peck on his cheek then quickly stepped back.

All he could do was stare at her, dumbfounded.

Her cheeks flushed and she began to walk toward the car park. “See you at 6:30,” she called over her shoulder.

He had one errand he needed to get done before this evening. The rest was just minor details he could wing as he went.

Releasing the breath he had been holding, he headed towards his own vehicle. Maybe he could fix this after all.

.....

James stood in front of the display case, the bright fluorescent lighting bouncing off the items, giving them the appearance of tiny stars.

Tiny, expensive stars.

Stars made exclusively from carbon that had been pressurized at great length and then unearthed to be cut and polished with painstaking care.

The ring he was currently staring at while he patiently waited for the clerk to finish up with the prior customer was by no means the most expensive piece of jewelry in the store. It wasn’t the cheapest either. Not that price mattered. When it came to Rose he would spend all the money he owned to find a way to capture an actual star for her to wear on her finger if that’s what she wished. He had been in this particular store multiple times with Mickey when he had been ring shopping for Martha. For some reason this ring had always caught his eye.

The day Rose and James accompanied Mickey to pick up Martha’s ring, he finally knew why. While Mickey and the clerk had inspected Martha’s ring, James had followed Rose as she perused the items in the store. She didn’t own much jewelry, but she had always loved to browse.

They had happened upon the case and she had stopping meandering to slowly bend down and peer through the glass. James had been rambling, about what now he couldn’t recall, but had stopped mid sentence, his heart in his throat when he noticed which ring she was looking at.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she had breathed.

He had to tear his eyes away from watching her to look down, pretending he didn’t know which ring she was examining. “Which one?”

“That one,” she had said, pointing.

James was by no means an expert, but he knew enough to make a fairly educated guess that the ring was at least half a carat from the large center stone alone. It was princess cut, a sharp contrast to the smaller and rounder stones flanking its sides, two on each. Maybe it was the white gold or maybe it was the two glistening sapphires snuggled closely to the square diamond that pulled the appearance together.

“If I ever get married, I’d want a ring like that.” She had said it wistfully, as if it were a far off dream that was never going to happen.

He had known then, without a doubt that she was the one, the love his heart ached for. A love he had been convinced that she would never, ever, return. He had vaguely known before that moment that he loved her but he had been trying to move on, to forget about his feelings for her. He couldn't after that.

“Ah, Mr Noble, so sorry to keep you waiting.” The clerk hurried down the aisle behind the cases towards James, an apologetic smile plastered on his face.

“Please, call me James,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “I don't mind waiting. Be sort of ridiculous for me to get irritated with that, there's only one of you after all.”

The other man relaxed. “Thank you. So how may I assist you today, James?”

“I'd like to buy a ring. Oh...er, hopefully you have it in her size. I didn't even think about that…” James scratched the back of his neck. “No matter. If I need to bring it back later to size it, so be it. If you wouldn't mind, it'll be--”

“This one?” The clerk asked with a bemused grin. He had already slid the case door open and was reaching under the glass, pointing at the very ring James was intending to buy.

“Yes. How did you…” James trailed off, completely stunned.

“You've been in here quite a lot.”

“Most of that was with Mickey Smith.”

“It's my job to notice what people are truly wanting.” The man paused, smile widening as he pulled the ring from its velvety display. “Miss Tyler is lucky that someone else was also paying attention.”

James shook his head with a rue chuckle. “I'd say you're due for a raise.”

…..

James forced himself to take a long, slightly exaggerated--probably a bit more than slightly--deep breath before shaking his arms out and knocking on the door to Rose’s flat.

The door opened as he was mid second knock. Rose smiled up at him, almost shyly.

“I've been ready for at least twenty minutes,” she offered by way of explanation.

“Oh.” He blinked and dropped his hand. Rose was never ready on time, let alone early. “Why didn't you say so? I could have come earlier.”

“I didn't want to rush you.”

“I was ready well over half an hour ago. I even took the long, long way getting here. And yes, it is different from just the long way. No, I'm not telling you how. Other than it wasn't nearly long enough. I had to lap around your flat seven times before it was prudent for me to park. I--what? What's so funny?”

“Just...you.” Rose giggled once more then gave him an adoring smile that made him weak at the knees.

He smiled back, knots that had been building in his stomach slowly untying and sending relief through him.

“Shall we go?” she prodded after a moment.

“Hmm? Oh, yes! Yes, we should.” He took a step back and offered her his elbow. “May I?”

She bit her lip, her cheeks flushing. “Before we go...is this alright?” She gestured to her clothes. “I wasn't sure what to wear since you wouldn't tell me where we were going.”

James swept his gaze up and down her frame, taking in the black boots that climbed up to just below her knee, the grey leggings that clung to her legs like a second skin, and finally the lavender a-line dress she wore that fluttered around mid thigh and dipped just enough at the neckline. He nervously cleared his throat. Thinking that her clothes would look better strewn across his bedroom floor would most likely not be helpful in the current situation.

He found himself to not be nearly as hungry as he thought, at least not the kind of hunger that could be satisfied with food. The urge to ask her the question that had been burning in his mind for the past few hours was becoming too much to hang on to. He was going to end up dropping the question much sooner than he wanted.

“James?”

“Right, sorry. You look absolutely lovely. Brilliant. Perfect. Molto bene.”

“But is this ok for dinner?”

“Dinner. About that...we’re not going to dinner.” He jiggled his still waiting arm in the air, urging her to take it.

“We're not? But I thought you said--”

“Change of plans.”

“I didn't--

“Not to worry,” he assured, holding up a hand to further silence her protests. “You'll still get food. I'm not going to let my pregnant wife go hungry.”

She smiled weakly in response. He mentally kicked himself while taking an agitated hand through his hair, tugging on the strands as he did so. Idiot.

“Sorry. I didn't--I shouldn't--I--”

“No,” she said in a soft but stern voice. She placed a hand on his forearm.

He watched her in fear, mouth hanging open. Fear that she was changing her mind and about to tell him to get lost.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” His arm was growing tired of being held up awkwardly between them, but now that she was touching him, he didn't dare drop it.

“My reaction. You're obviously trying to make it up to me...or something.”

“I don't think I could ever make up for the way I hurt you. And I'm so sorry, because I wish more than anything that I could.”

“I know,” she choked out, reaching up to cup his cheek. “The point is, you're making an effort. So...fresh start?”

“Yeah?” He croaked out, unable to believe his luck.

“Yes.”

James leaned into her hand, savoring the gentle touch. He took a deep breath, then reached up and took her hand, a wide, genuine smile breaking out over his face.

“Well, Rose Tyler. Are you ready?”

She turned away from him slightly to pull the door to her flat closed. When she looked back at him, he was delighted to see that her returning grin reached her eyes this time. She nodded vigorously.

“Allons-y!” He took off down the hall, only going at a bit of a light jog. Rose’s giggle filled his ears, the lightness of it lifting his spirits--and his hope.

Everything could work out alright in the end.

…..

Their first stop was a local art gallery. It happened to be displaying a collection of abstract paintings from up and coming local artists for the weekend. The affair itself wasn't high class or overly formal, but the guest list was tight. James happened to be able to acquire the admittance of himself and a plus one, Rose of course. She didn't ask how he got the tickets, nor did he think she much cared.

Her eyes had immediately lit up and this time it was her tugging impatiently on his hand, leading him up the stairs to the entrance. He chuckled under his breath and came even with her in one long stride, squeezing her hand gently.

He had spent hours pouring over information on the artists and the particular paintings on display, intending to impress her with his knowledge. However, one look at how beautiful and entranced Rose was simply standing and looking at the first painting and all the carefully gleaned knowledge temporarily fled his brain.

The painting was a swirling mass of greens and sky blues with subtle pops of yellow dotted throughout. He couldn't make heads or tails of it. Of course, he could appreciate the simple beauty of it and the obvious care the artist had taken to produce the piece. But abstract art never truly drew him in the way other art forms did. It was too subjective for his liking.

“Reminds me of playing on the playground near the estate when I was a kid,” Rose whispered, eyes still glued to the picture and her voice thick with emotion.

James sucked in a sharp breath and had to pound his chest to restart his heart before following her to the next item on display.

He wasn't sure how much time passed while they were in the gallery. It could have been minutes. It could have been years. For all he cared they could have been frozen in this one moment forever, the rest of time and space flowing around them at its usual pace, but leaving them untouched in this one precious moment.

The paintings were all a blur to him, a dull background to his object of focus. Rose. The soft light made her complexion appear utterly flawless, as if she herself were a painted masterpiece. Her dress flowed effortlessly with her movements. He was torn as to what his favorite thing about watching her currently was--the subtle shift of expressions on her face as she examined each piece or the way her hand would absently rub her belly as she did so.

Rose’s time was spent marveling at the paintings.

James was marveling her.

….

Their second, and arguably most important, stop of the night was to acquire food. His intended elaborate plan once again went out the window. Taking the time to pick up everything for a romantic picnic under the stars would take far too long. But what if this one part of the plan was the key to her answering his question favorably? He should have bought everything ahead of time. His desire for the food to be fresh and lacking in the “how long has this been in your car” taste now seemed ridiculous.

What could he possibly grab that was quick and tasty? Indian take out? What if the spices were too much for her now? There was always their fall back, chips. But...what if that seemed boring and like he had put no thought into this whole affair?

James wracked his brain in a panic, running out of options the closer they got to their ultimate destination.

Rose’s not so subtle stomach grumble and muttered comment about dying for some chips was all the convincing he needed.

…..

“I was beginning to think you’d never feed me,” Rose teased, spearing another chip to pop in her mouth. They were sitting comfortably on a brown and blue striped blanket on the top of a hill at a nearby park. She had eaten half of her portion during the rest of the drive and the short walk to where they now sat. James was prepared to share what remained of his. He hadn’t eaten much of it due to the butterflies swarming in the pit of his stomach.

“I wouldn’t dream of ever doing such a thing,” he scoffed. “Pregnant or no.”

“Oh?”

He hummed an affirmative around a bite. “The three things Rose Tyler needs in life. One, sleep. That’s the obvious one. Thus...numero uno.”

She rolled her eyes, yet giggled and shifted closer. He placed his chips on the ground so that he could prop his arm up behind her, allowing for minor but much desired physical contact. He let out a deep sigh as she leaned into him.

“Number two?”

“Ah, yes. Number two is almost nearly as important as number one. A strong morning cuppa before doing anything more than getting out of bed to drink said morning cuppa.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Are you gonna finish that?” She set her empty paper to the side, pointing at his still uneaten portion with her fork.

“It’s all yours,” he offered grandly, scooping it up with his left hand and handing it to her, biting his tongue so as not to call her my love. One step at a time. “Which brings me to the final item on the list. Food.”

“Oi!”

“Now, just...hang on. You are not one to gripe and complain about it. I’m sure if the situation called for it you could go without food for a very long period of time without being dramatic. However, you cannot deny that you are a much happier individual when you are fed every two to three hours.”

She glared up at him, stuffing the rest of his chips in her mouth as quickly as she could. He could detect a trace of a smile on her lips. He chuckled and looked up at the sky.

This was one of his favorite parks in the city. Just far enough away from the light pollution to get a decent glimpse of the stars without having to drive out to the middle of nowhere. Although...he wasn’t opposed to that option either.

“You forgot about number four,” she whispered.

“Hmm?”

“The fourth thing I need in my life.”

He furrowed his brow and looked down at her. “And what would that be?”

She bit her lip for an instant, soft vulnerability brightly shining in her eyes. “You.”

His heart stopped beating and he felt the world spin dangerously. He leaned forward, the only remaining thought left in his brain being of kissing her. She tilted her chin up, letting him come to her but not shying away.

At the last moment, he pulled back and collapsed onto the ground.

“Stand up.”

“James, what in the bloody--”

“Just--no, wait. Hang on. I don’t think that bit matters, as long as you’re above me.” He rolled around in a flurry of limbs, digging the ring box out of his pocket while she tried to get him to explain. Lying flat on his stomach, he propped himself up on his elbows and cleared his throat. “I have a very, very, tremendously bad habit of mucking things up. I’d like to say that I’ll stop, but I can’t promise that. All I can promise is that I will try. But you...you have never been a mistake. Nothing we have done or created together has been a mistake.”

“What are you saying?” she asked quietly.

“Asking, Rose. Asking.” He popped the box open. Her eyes widened and her hands covered her mouth. She looked back at him with tears shimmering beneath her lashes. “Rose Tyler, will you marry me?”

“Is this real?”

“The ring? Yes, of course. I--”

“No. Not the ring. This.”

“Oh, yes. I would very much like you to marry me. Properly. If you want.”

She let out a choked sob and awkwardly tackled him. He rolled onto his back to better hold her.

“Is that a maybe?”

“It’s a yes, you git.” She pressed her lips to his. “Wait, what about…” she trailed off, swallowing hard.

He didn’t need her to explain. He knew.

“I want both of you. Forever.”

#fic and chips #ficandchips #Ten x Rose #AU #Doctor x Rose #babies #pregnancy #freaking finally dooooooone #yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssss #I Won't Blame You #fic: I made this

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hereticaloracles · 7 years

Text

Fuckstrology: Aqueerius

Helios– Biiiiiiiiiiiitch…. Let’s talk about some Aqueers (Aqueri? Aquariums?). Now, I have a lot to say on the matter, as I tend to have a type, and it is typically Aquas. They are like catnip to me, and I cannot resist them. Aquarians have this intoxicating, magnetic draw that just pulls you in. They are iconoclasts, rebels, and they have really terrible hair most of the time. Like, really bad.

Now, this whole post is going to be biased, but then again so is the series in general. I really, really, really like Aquas. That being said, there has not been a one of the bastards who hasn’t ended up breaking my heart. Still, they are the ones I have had the greatest attraction to and chemistry with. Lord, protect me from what I want….

Aquas are fun, sexy, and flirty. Unfortunately, they do this all without trying or being aware of it- They just think that they are being friendly and are shocked to wake up and they are accidentally married. When they actually are interested in someone, literally all their charm and poise go flying out the window and they become dumb, deaf, and awkward as all hell. Also for some reason, they lose control over their speaking volume. The jury’s still out on that one. When they actually can seal the deal and take someone home, Aquariums are actually really great in bed. They want to make sure that they are pleasing their partners and that they make the sex something to remember.

Okay, now onto the part you all live for- My trashy romps with the signs and how I failed to make it work with them. *Shoots whiskey* So, after my ludicrous failure with my Capricorn ex, I kind of fell into a hookup/fwb thing with my first real Aqua ex. I’m not in the mood to skirt around anything so let’s call him TJ because that’s his name. This bastard gave me some of the greatest sex of my life, I won’t hide it. He was damn good in bed, and we were both into each other. Neither of us liked commitment much though, so I left his queeny, Holy Spearit- loving ass behind. Thus started a torrid, on-again-off-again thing with us. The annoying thing is that the universe seemed to be hell-bent on us being together, having me literally run into him in the most ridiculous scenarios and occasions. He asked me to go on vacation with him to a resort in Key West, and we had a lot of fun (including my first orgy and the first time I ever hooked up with a porn star!) unfortunately I was still under 21, so I couldn’t truly drink or do things like going into the strip clubs they went into. It did, however, cure me of any remaining feelings that I had for the asshole, as he would literally bring people to fuck him while I was in the bed we were sharing. He also didn’t like the fact that I was far more popular at the resort than he was (What can I say? Tops have more fun!) and ended up sticking him with the entire bill for the hotel, drinks, and food. Fun fact, he is also where the rule came from to never do the chart of anyone I was dating/fucking, because when I did his it made it weird and helped the relationship to decay. Later on, we would continue to randomly connect in the most unintentional times and ways, but never did we truly connect again. I gave him some great sex but never made the mistake of getting invested.

This was a reoccurring theme with me, as it turns out. I just remembered another Aqua ex, this one even further back. Let’s call him B, and he could honestly be considered the first guy I ever fell for (which in hindsight explains SO MUCH). Now, he and I went to high school together (I know, I know. Let me tell the story) and I ended up falling in with his group after crushing hard on my lovely Sagittarius best friend, who was the first person I ever came out to as bisexual. There was a party at his house where unspeakable acts occurred that will only be referred to as “Mexico”. I fell in love with him shortly after that, but there was a problem- He had a girlfriend. In fact, his current girlfriend was the result of him cheating on his previous girlfriend, and apparently that was his pattern. We spent a lot of time together, and he knew how I felt. One night he confessed that he felt the same (while we were walking to his girlfriend’s place), and from there we started sneaking around behind everyone’s back. We kept this up till he graduated, and it was some of the best sex I have ever had. We also had some pretty explosive arguments as well. The emotional connection was far more one-sided on my part, but again I was a high-schooler.

Last but not least, we have my longest-running relationship, J. I dated this guy for almost two years. It was honestly magical. We got together because of our mutual love over nerd stuff, and I seduced him with Doctor Who quotes over Grindr. We had an extremely emotionally fulfilling relationship, and for the first time, I had someone to show off to friends and could honestly make a part of my life. I won over his friends as well, and it felt like something with some actual potential. Hell, we even went to London together! Only one problem- We would never have sex. In the entire time we dated, we had sex one and a half times. In two years. I know, its absolutely nuts, but I was young and in love. And I was incredibly faithful, even when we opened up our relationship to other people. He was incredibly unstable emotionally and was prone to manic mood swings- which he would take out on me. I was a prisoner in the relationship, and he was brutally emotionally abusive, yet still, as it came to an end I agonized over whether I should or shouldn’t leave him. The final straw came when I wanted him to meet my parents on my birthday, but he decided that he would rather spend the weekend with a 350 lb ginger bear (large fat and hairy gay man, for the uninitiated) than spend my birthday with me. So I broke up with him on my birthday. I came to find out later that he was not being faithful to me, and we never had sex because he was only attracted to black men, I was the only white guy he ever dated. After we broke up, he went off the deep end and started working for Amway. He alienated all his friends, and no one spoke to him so he came crawling back to me. I tried to be friends again for a while, but he got incredibly upset at me for taking a job opportunity that came suddenly and would need me to relocate to California for a while. He called me every vile name in the book as I left him in the dust to go recover in the sun, where I met my porn star ex. Last I heard J was dating a meth-addicted ex-felon, who was both a drag queen and a stripper, but who also was extremely keen to get me in bed since he hit me up several times on Grindr to ask me to “load up his poz hole with my white stud load”. Also, he sent me his dick pics- I’m not impressed; The myth about black guys isn’t always true. Best of luck boys!!!

Artemis- So, for our fans that do not know, yes, I, Artemis, am very much an Aquarian. It is quite tragic, honestly, that it seems to be common fashion for Aquarians not to fuck other Aquarians. “Been there done that,” I guess is what we usually think, unless the fellow Aqua has some strangeness in the chart that we haven’t gotten a taste of yet. We like the new, we like the curious, and we are not done exploring until the day you slam the cover of our casket. And then some, because, you know, the next dimension we move on to probably has it’s own set of sexual adventures…

I reached out to a few ex lovers because, although I’ve never fucked a fellow Aquarian, they have all obviously been through the ringer with me:

Libra Ex, “Go fuck yourself, you cold, selfish bastard.”

Alrighty then, we are off to a lovely start. I mean, I would have guessed there would be much more to say from the perspective of a pillow queen! They are the one getting the whole damn show, after all. And although she may not admit it, I believe our brain sex was off the hook. And fuck, do Aquarians love brain sex! One of our favorite past times is seeing how hot and bothered we can get someone without even touching them. King/Queen/Kahleesi of experimentation, Aqua is the scientist with laser eyes who inspects your every frac(tal)tional movement for all of your soft spots. The water-bearers are represented by the Angel (or perfect human), perched high above in the clouds, observing all of you mere mortals as you go about our business of flesh. Aqua is very much into the eroticism of distance. For us, the mind is flesh and eroticism starts there. And speaking of voyeurism…

Capricorn Ex, “…………. you’re the reason I’m like this. You’re the reason I will never feel complete again.”

Aye, this Cappy ex and I participated in some strange voyeuristic acts. Hell, I still want that video tape back. If not, I hope she fucking burned it in a funeral pyre alongside my fucking heart and all of the things I ever gave her. Both Aqua and Capricorn have giant walls of ice that you must get through in order to experience the deep passion that is brewing underneath. We both want to know if you can handle what is behind the dam before we let the flood gates down. This is usually why Aquarians are thought of as cold and uncaring – because we know it has to be light and fun or we will suck you into some fucking black hole with our sexuality that you can never come out of again. We wont just have your body, oh no – we don’t stop at that. We want your mind and especially that soul of yours.

Aqua knows that distance is needed to build sexual energy. An Aqua will prod and tease you in all the places where she knows you can’t touch her (like work, school, your parent’s house) until you have no choice but to take her in the back of the car, at noon, on the side of the road somewhere. And that’s just the way we like it.

As a side note, what in the fucking hell does that response even mean? Is she now totally and completely insatiable? Is she desperately filling the void I left inside of her with bad sex and office hours?

Capricorn Ex, “I knew you would hit me up again. I’ve been waiting.”

BAIL BAIL BAIL BAIL BAIL WHY DID I THINK CONTACTING HER WAS A GOOD IDEA? WHY WHY WHY?

I didn’t even bother contacting my Cancer ex because who the fuck wants to deal with those water works. I mean, I love emotions and intensity, but if it’s just emotions with no intellectual structure surrounding them then it is literally pointless for an Aquarian. We will run for the fucking hills if we don’t have that mind connection when water signs vomit their love all over us. Fuck, I love poetry and love letters, but not without catering to my sapiosexual nature first. But hell, I do remember that our sex was very good… that is, until I ran out of things to talk / argue / debate / analyze / muse about. Then the sex dried up as well. I mean, fuck, we are an air sign after all.

Aries Ex, “I will say you give amazing fucking head and it was always fun eating a ton of mushrooms and fucking for hours, but I thought you told me I was dead to you and I should never contact you again?”

Oh right, I totally did. And sex on psychedelics, I mean, who doesn’t want to try that at least once? Aquas are forever the ones who march to the beat of their own drum, and our sexuality is no different. We really don’t give a fuck what is appropriate or conventional in love making. We will do whatever strikes our fancy, and we will never stop surprising our partner. Aquarius is known as the sign of kink for good reason. We are the masters of experimentation, so don’t ever be afraid to bring something up to us that you would like to try. We have probably thought about it before and have an instruction manual to go with it.

I contacted my Taurus ex, but I think she is still sore about me forgetting to take my Buddhist mantra ring off before fucking her… I mean, I was super in the moment?

Taurus ex, “If you want to know what sex with an Aquarian is like, maybe go fuck yourself.”

So, as you can see, Aquarians kinda burn bridges after relationships / sexual encounters. The thing is, we go in very intensely (har har) so when we cut ties we need to sever completely so we can go all in intensely with the next lover. So we get two kinds of exes: the kind that never wants to speak to us again, and the kind that stalks the living shit out of us for the rest of our lives.

Leo Ex, “Did I ever tell you that you took my virginity?”

*click*

So, yes, us Aqua have a strange sort of swagga. Who doesn’t like the hot loner coasting through town on their way to distant lands? Aquarius is a visitor from somewhere far beyond here, and their brand of love making is strange and exciting. We can see it in their mannerisms, their likes and dislikes, their eccentric way of communication. They are not from here, and we are intrigued. And our earthly ways are intriguing to them as well. They really just want to know how everything feels, how everything tastes, and are all for the experimentation between pleasure and pain.

Pisces Ex, “I’m still not sure why you never did sex magick with me. We had so much potential. We were born from the same star, you and I.”

Maybe, you know, the whole melding of the souls thing with someone I wasn’t whole heartedly into wasn’t something I wanted to take lightly? I know Pisces just wants to dive into the well of the world, but at least get me some emotional fucking lube first, gawed damn.

So the list goes on and on and on, but I decided to opt for some good news for the finale 😉

Current Gemini Girlfriend, “I don’t even know where to start. One minute we’ll be staring into each other’s eyes, getting lost in love, and the next I’m thrown on the bed and we turn into beasts who can’t distinguish fabric from flesh. If I have to use one word: amazing.”

Aquarians tend to be severely misunderstood. They call the water-bearer heartless, alien, off-beat, and contrary. They say she is a stubborn ice queen, prepared to dissect each of your layers until she can arrive at some self deluded state of “knowing.” What they don’t understand about Aquarius is that she feels TOO much. She feels everything and everyone all the time, and must place a wall up or she will swallow everything up like the sea. She is the veins, the rivers, the tributaries pumping from the passionate, lion heart of Leo. Her eroticism is all encompassing. Her love is the force of the entire planet.

Fuckstrology: Aqueerius was originally published on Heretical Oracles

#aquarius #Fuckstrology #keep Aquarius weird #love astrology #please don't read this parents #sex astrology #astrology #tarot #asteroid astrology #fuckstrology #bruja #brujeria

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