What A Heavenly Way to Die

Summary: What a heavenly way to die? What a time to be alive? Because forever is in your eyes, but forever ain’t half the time…

Pairing: Jason Todd x reader

Word count: 912

Warnings: lot of religion probably bordering sacrilegious in this one, oops but not oops, some suggestive content, tiny portion of language

AN: little short one today but probably one of my favorites, also I didnt proofread so if there’s any mistakes, no there isn’t

Quite simply put, Jason Todd was a morning person. He enjoyed meeting dawn as she stretched and played over the landscape. Golden light bathing everything she touched. Fresh dew and a soft breeze, leading a thrilled renaissance through grasses and trees. Whisking inconsequential matters to the side. The quiet moments of serendipity, meditative and peaceful.

He liked the warmth of the sheets— the feel of skin pressed to his. Encasing his body in the thick atmosphere of secure bliss. Holding her figure close against his own, shielding her from the night’s chilling touch.

He liked morning.

She never woke at the same time he did. Mornings usually meant Jason had extra time to gaze down at her face, unblemished by smile or frown lines. Or worry, anxiety. Nothing of the sort existed so early.

He could simply stare. Gaze in awe at the beauty lying with her head against his chest. Bask in her glowing presence. Pray that he wouldn’t wake her while he admired.

While he worshipped. Attended a lonesome mass to lay affections at her feet, laving lingering kisses up her ankle, taking the long path to her lips. Over the velvet skin of her body.

Jason exhaled gently— careful in his actions. Careful to not rouse her from her sleep. His body had other intentions as a loud growl echoed from the cavern of his belly.

Damn.

He had hoped to lay there with her a while longer.

Things would only get worse if he stayed there— louder and more compromising. Besides, if he was waking up hungry (which was always), she would be too.

Pulling himself reluctantly from the warmth of the bedsheets, Jason ensured she stayed asleep. No stealth mission or undercover agent could ever compete with the covert, silent movements of the beast of a man who was hellbent on keeping his goddess asleep.

He spared a glance over his shoulder, a smile gracing his lips. Sunlight caressing her as she slept, tucked away and cocooned in warmth.

One of the rare sunny days in Gotham.

Trekking down the hallway, Jason began his morning routine. Checking the windows, brushing his teeth while checking the spare room converted weapons stash for anything unusual.

Then he started on breakfast.

One of his favorite past-times (other than YN of course).

He knew that he would be teased endlessly, if any of his friends were there to witness his endeavors.

How he doted on her. How he would leave barely there kisses to her lips, only to sink to his knees and lay aggressive love bites to her thighs. To leave marks across her neck.

Only to shake himself from the reviere hours later, sweat laden and pressed to her bare chest; Shake himself to take gentle care of her aching body.

To cradle her against him for the come down— to watch the sunset in the windows of his Church.

How he would be teased and mocked— made a fool of— for his actions.

But there he was: The Arkham Knight, Red Hood, Robin, making breakfast.

The same hands that once choked life from collapsing esophaguses, ripped beating hearts out of gaping chest cavities, fired hollow tip bullets into arteries and foreheads. Leaving mutilation and dark ink as footsteps, encroached on the lives of so many.

Those same hands now dropped blueberries into pancake batter, made freshly squeezed juice. Knife skills that were once fueled by mania; Wide sweeping cuts, meant to pierce flesh and slice deep. Now made precise incisions on fruit.

Such juxtaposition to menial, domestic tasks that it was almost laughable.

But peaceful.

Peace. He’d known nothing of the sort in this strange land of after death. Until her.

The catalyst to his healing, the process that Dick and Roy began all those years ago. The one she helped finish.

A soft, sleepy noise from down the hallway turned Jason’s attention to the vacant space. His cursed eyes lifted in time to witness the sun rise— her brilliance nearly melting the decorations from the walls as she entered through the doorway.

Her warmth bled into his bones as she neared; Arms wrapping around his neck, hands threaded through his hair.

A whispered good morning, breathed out between feather kisses against his mouth.

Scarred hands trailed up her hips, accepting her greeting in stride. Keeping careful watch of how close she moved to the stove.

For all her grace and beauty, she was far less agile and dexterous than she appeared. With her sleep mussed hair and lines still pressed to her face from sleep. She must’ve drooled at some point during the night, as a line of it dried against the corner of her mouth. Her pajamas— just one of his own shirts and her underwear— wrinkled and in disarray.

Beautiful.

She tucked into his side, keeping close to his warmth. Jason kept his arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, using his free hand to finish breakfast.

She traced light patterns against his bare shoulder blade; Her head cushioned on the soft muscle of his pectoral— the abrasion of his autopsy scar against her cheekbone.

Her lips left a gentle kiss to the marred flesh. Unafraid of his past. Unconcerned of everything, but the steady beat in his rib cage.

Because for as much as he worshiped her, she returned without adversary. Without flinching.

While he attended mass for repentance, praising his angel, she attended her church of the wicked, laying claim to the damned.

Gut Spill

This is absolutely so late, lol. I wanted this to be put up by Friday the 13th but oh well.

Goretober Prompt: Gut Spill

Character: Jason Voorhees

Graphis Depictions of Violence, blood, and gore

The heat from the sun bared down onto the lands of Crystal Lake.

Throughout the years, working adults have realized that summer is the shittiest season, often retreating inside to hibernate across their air conditioning. Children and immature undergrad college students were the only ones who took the season in stride. Not because of the heat and sunny days. Because they were on school break. 

The representation of summer meant no responsibilities, everlasting fun with friends, and a time to relax. Through Jason's eyes it meant frustration, drugs, and premarital sex. Godless humans who have the audaciousness to enjoy life. Jason will always protect the sanctity of these grounds by sending them to eternal damnation.

A white, beat up Jeep Wrangler hobbled through the woods around 12:30 pm. 5 young adults jumped out of the vehicle, confident and boisterous at 12:36 pm. It was a Friday. The 13th day of the month. Jason observed from afar, using a thick tree to hide his hulking body.

These young adults….looked no different than the ones that usually come here. Same style of boring clothing. Same skin tone. The same rotation of Greek lettering that always confuses him. Whatever they were, they were always obnoxious.

It was currently 12:50 pm as Jason observed his upcoming victims. They were bringing in personal belongings and beer cases, cheering as they did so. 

The sun would set around 7:40 pm. Jason would spring into action then. 

They drink alcohol in copious amounts. Jason prepares. They peel their clothes off and jump into the lake, bare. He sneaks to set up his traps throughout the woods near the cabin. They have lust in their eyes as they watch and play with one another. The music they play is loud and vulgar. 

Some kiss and let their hands wander already. He is in his basement, gathering tools. His hammer, bow and arrow, and his machete. In the cabin, they drink some more. And not only do they drink, but they pull out a white substance to snort and share. He gets his bag and stuff it with what he needs. One couple, too busy to consume the powder, slink into a random room upstairs. They begin to have sex. 

Finally, Jason is ready. He decides that the machete will be his first weapon. 

In 10 minutes, he approaches the cabin. Jason observes the scene to take in the surroundings. He hears laughing and chatter with a mix of moans as he stands near. The moans catch his attention immediately. It was coming from the window on the second floor, which was slightly open. Using a propped ladder, Jason mysteriously climbs up to the window silently and puts his mask into full view of the couple. The girl inside, crudely riding her temporary lover, glances at the window. Jason quickly moves out of view. She screams, jolting off to the side and alerted the other. The man darts over to the window and opens it to investigate. But he sees nothing.

Jason teleported to one of the front windows downstairs, where the drugged up adults were dancing and leaning about. One sees Jason and points. However, the others only see the unchanging view of the trees. They laugh, telling them to calm down, saying that they were just too high. 

Jason slinks to the generator at the back of the cabin and smashes it. This causes the power to go out. It spooks the prey inside who, of course, offers the first sacrifice to investigate. It was the young male lover, shirtless with cargo shorts on. His dirty blonde hair was disheveled and facial expression showed frustration. 

It was time for action. 

As the frat brat begins to inspect the clearly smashed generator, Jason stomps up to him. The man jolts around at the timed crunch of the branch near his form. Jason revels as his victims’ violet blue eyes bulge in fear.

Jason quickly extends his machete and slash at the man’s mid torso. He staggers back, looking down at the clean slice, his brain not registering that it was there. Blood bubbles out of the first few layers of skin, covering the thin layer of fat that now could not protect his insides. Parts of his small intestine start to peek out of the cut. 

Not satisfied, Jason slashes down on the nearest side, extending the cut into an open flap. The large and small intestines ooze out to the side, with the mix of blood and body slime dripping onto the ground. More of the fat extends, yellow as dehydrated urine, as the pressure inside his torso changes pushing the innards forward. It was a mess of what looked like filled sausage casings. The young man groans in extreme pain. He could hardly react to everything that was happening, but he wished for it to be over with. Jason grabs the hanging intestines with his gloved hand and yanks them out. His kidneys the size of enlarged pinto beans, pancreas, and the lower half of his stomach sac come out with the jumbled mess. The force of the yank causes the stomach to pop, leaking stomach acid down onto the other organs, which causes them to burn and corrode.

 Satisfied with the brats’ suffering, Jason stalks forward to add another victim to his growing list. 

Like Being Submerged in Your Contradictions

She supposes she’s not surprised.

Clarke probably should have expected it. After all, her romantic track record is not really all that impressive. But. She hoped. And to say that she’s a little disappointed to find out sex with Bellamy is not as great as she wanted it to be is an understatement.

So now he wants to talk about it. Figures.

—

Rating: Mature Word Count: 4.4K AN: I have no excuse for this. Also, timeline? Background explanation? Never heard of them. Also, also…writing canon terrifies me on the reg and I binged this show very quickly, so if things are wrong let’s just…assume it’s canon divergence. Deal? Deal. I have far too many fic ideas and not enough time. This is also my first @bellarkebingo​ fic checks off setting: sanctum and future prediction fic. 

|| Also on Ao3 if that’s your jam ||

She’s sweaty. 

And out of breath. 

The sheets keep sticking to the back of Clarke’s left leg. Only her left leg. Which is admittedly kind of weird, but she’s also admittedly preoccupied with how much all of this absolutely, positively sucks to be too worried about the state or location of the bedding. 

Damn.

It was supposed to be better than this. 

Easier. Great. Time for themselves and a guaranteed few hours with no interruptions. No rush. No pressure. Less...whatever this was. Not easy. 

Not great, honestly. 

Pretty awful. Bumped knees and scrunched noses, no rhythm, hardly any friction, just—quick shifts and kisses that were over before they really began, like they were racing towards the finish line if only to say that they’d crossed it and she can’t cry. 

That would be insane. 

In the grand scheme of everything, this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to Clarke.

It doesn’t even crack the top ten. 

And yet. 

She’s marginally worried that she’s going to bite a hole through her lip, twisting it between her teeth while she tries to figure out where this went wrong and how this went wrong and it makes so much sense. They make sense. 

Together. 

They should have worked together. 

God, maybe she sucks at sex because her vocabulary is also pretty lacking. God, she hopes she’s not the one who’s bad at sex. No one else has ever mentioned that before. But, then again—most of the sex she’s had has been...fuck, she seriously can’t come up with descriptors right now. The disappointment that has taken root in the pit of Clarke’s stomach is far too heavy for her to do anything except acknowledge it, lips pressed together and breathing turning shallow and there’s a considerable amount of space between them. She’s at least seventy-two percent positive Bellamy is half hanging off the bed. 

Her right leg is starting to cramp up. 

She does her best to move without making it obvious, a slow shift and gritted teeth, but Clarke can’t help her hiss of pain when her calf muscle seizes up and maybe she’ll just stare at that one, particular spot on the ceiling for the rest of time. 

That seems like the only reasonable response. 

The bed creaks. 

“So, uh—” Bellamy starts, every letter sounding strained. “That was, uh—” “—Oh my God, stop it.” “No, Clarke, c’mon, that was—” “—I’m going to punch you, I swear.”

He laughs. 

Clarke’s neck doesn’t appreciate the way she snaps it towards him — and maybe this whole thing is just a commentary on how old she is, or at least how old she feels and that second thing is ten-thousand times more depressing than any sort of disappointing sex with the guy she’s been wanting to have sex with for more than a century. 

Shit. 

Shit, shit, shit. 

“I don’t know what to be more offended by,” Clarke sneers, “you laughing at me, or everything that’s happened in the last fifteen minutes.” “Ah, c’mon, it was longer than fifteen minutes.” “Maybe we should have timed it.” Bellamy stops laughing. 

And Clarke feels bad — she does. But the disappointment appears to be evolving into something a little bitter and a little angry, clawing its way up her throat and threatening to spill out her mouth and she can’t believe this. 

Well, no—she can. That’s the problem. 

She can believe the shit and the garbage and something else that didn’t play out exactly the way she never should have let herself imagine it could be. 

Melodramatic idiot. 

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Bellamy mumbles. “You want to talk about it?” “About what, exactly?” “Clarke.” “Saying my name over and over again is not going to help.” “Yeah, I picked up on that weirdly enough. I, uh—that sucked, right?” “Did we get to the sucking?”

He lets out a strangled noise that almost immediately turns into something far closer to a groan, an arm splayed out over his still-tilted head. “No,” Bellamy agrees, and that’s a strange way to do that. “I don’t think we did, actually.” “Lame.” “That’s a word for it, yeah. Why?” “You’re really determined to talk about this, aren’t you?” Clarke asks sharply. He shrugs. He still hasn’t moved his arm. “People are going to be back here soon and they’re going to need—” “—They can wait a couple minutes.” “Really got a high opinion of your own in-bed prowess, huh?” Bellamy’s arm might be marble for all the moving it does, but Clarke can still see the dots of color that explode on his cheeks, in between every freckle and the few scars that have lingered on his skin. 

She’s not just Sanctum’s biggest idiot. She’s this place's biggest asshole. 

“Obviously not,” he grumbles. “Although, I haven’t heard many complaints before. And I—all I’m saying is that maybe that’s our problem. Thinking about...expiration dates. Time limits.” “Speak English.” “I could say it in Trig if you want.” Clarke might growl. The sound scratches at her throat and leaves her gnashing her teeth, one side of Bellamy’s mouth tugging up at the sarcasm. “Is this your way of flirting? Because it could use some work, honestly.” “That’s—this isn’t what I thought would happen.”

Clarke blinks. Once, twice, opens her mouth only to close it and, grand scheme, it is ridiculous for that to be the thing. But it is and has been and it’s been a goddamn century. “Have you?” she whispers, voice barely that. “More times than I’d be willing to admit.”

She cannot cry. She will not cry. If Clarke keeps repeating it — in her head — then she’s sure, eventually, she’ll believe it. She won’t cry. In bed. With Bellamy. In her room. 

Their room, really. 

Because that’s been happening too. In the days and weeks and months since the end of everything else — since shaky peace treaties and only kind of understanding the anomaly, of losses and the destruction of the flame and the creation of this, a tremulous calm that Clarke still can’t entirely believe is real, with cabins and curtains on windows and books on shelves that Bellamy built himself, there’s been this growing...thing. Unspoken, unacknowledged, because it didn’t really have to be. 

Just was. Like always. Intertwined live and his boots sitting just inside the door and her head on his chest when he’d fall asleep because it’s easier to breathe that way. 

And yet. Part two. 

It’s an exaggeration to suggest that Clarke has grown impatient — couldn’t possibly, not after already waiting so long, several lifetimes worth of pent-up emotion, but she might be a little greedy and the words felt like they’d fallen out of her. 

Maybe we could spend some time together. Just me and you. 

And Bellamy had smiled. That smile. The one she’d let herself think about sometimes, when everything else was going to shit, when the world was, quite literally, coming to an end, more than once, Clarke would let her mind drift and she’d remember that smile, the way it would stretch across his face, lighten the color in his eyes and leave the skin there slightly crinkled like it couldn’t possibly contain all the emotion there. 

For her. 

Emotion he felt for her. 

She really is Sanctum’s biggest idiot. 

“You might as well say them out loud,” Bellamy mutters, practically jerking Clarke out of her reverie and they’re going to have to wash these sheets. 

She can’t imagine how they got quite this damp when nothing really...happened. 

“What?” “Out loud,” he repeats. “If you’re going to be thinking such obvious thoughts, you might as well tell me what they are.” “I’m not thinking anything.” “It is rude to lie.” Clarke huffs — frustration mixing with something else that feels a little bit like betrayal because she’s starting to find it insulting how endeared she is by him. And his awful jokes. And the overall length of his hair. 

“I’ve got a question,” Bellamy announces, flipping onto his side so he can prop his head on his head. It makes his hair shift, curls that drift dangerously close to his brows, and Clarke’s moving before she’s really thought about it, fingers ghosting over his forehead and his eyes flutter shut. 

He exhales softly, some of the rather obvious tension around them dissipating.

“Just one?”

“At least one that’s been bothering me for the last century or so.” Clarke doesn’t respond, can’t over the rising dread in the back of her brain, the feel of it creeping up her spine. Bellamy grins. 

“Why’d you put me on the list?” he asks, and Clarke is glad she hadn’t said anything. It ensures that she can gasp dramatically, eyes going wide enough that they actually start to water. His expression doesn’t change. Eventually she’ll think that’s important. “Because,” Bellamy continues, “I’ve been going over it and you didn’t even ask. I mean—there were plenty of people who could have been on the list and—” “—Are you kidding me, right now? This is what you want to talk about?” He hums, ducking down to kiss the bridge of her nose. Clarke may melt. That won’t help the overall state of the sheets. “Well, you didn’t want to talk. So—what’s that old Earth expression? I’m taking the floor.” “I don’t think that’s right at all.” “Ah, well, an attempt is at least being made.”

Clarke clicks her tongue, but she can’t quite get herself to be frustrated and that is...something. She supposes. Hopes, maybe. 

She wants to hope, at least. 

That’s always felt like half the battle. “Can I keep going now?” Bellamy quips, eyebrows jumping when Clarke pinches his forearm. “I’m going to take that as a yes.” “Was my threat of punching you not really that threatening?” “No, it wasn’t, honestly.” “God.” “Anyway,” he says pointedly, “my question is still the same. Why? Because I—there were people you left off, and I understand why you did, but what was I bringing to the table?” “Just full of Earth clichés today, aren’t you?” “Technically, it’s night.”

Clarke yanks on the blanket, quick enough that she manages to take Bellamy by surprise and she lets herself gloat about that for approximately two and a half seconds before her gaze drifts to his suddenly exposed body and—

“You are staring, Princess.”

She cannot keep bouncing through emotions like this. Clarke’s mind feels like it’s racing, plummeting through some kind of time vortex where they can have conversations like this and moments like this and—“I can’t believe you just called me that,” she mutters, pulling the blanket up over her shoulders. 

Like that will help protect her. 

It’s a dumb metaphor. 

And one she knows Bellamy picks up on almost immediately. 

He didn’t really have to ask her to voice her thoughts. He’s always been too good at that. Disarmingly good, even. 

“Big guns, or however the saying goes,” Bellamy grins. 

“You really think this is working for you, don’t you?” “Nah, if it was working, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. But that’s kind of my point.” “Convoluted.” “A little. And you’re avoiding the question. Still staring, too.” Clarke hums, letting her head drop back to the pillow and she doesn’t try to mask the way her eyes move that time. She doesn’t actually move — is far too twisted in the sheets to even attempt that — but her gaze traces every inch of Bellamy, follows the curve of his shoulder and the slope of his back, lingers on the scars she knows and those she hasn’t mapped yet, more markers of time and years and they were supposed to have time tonight. 

Finally, 

And if this was all they were going to get, then—

“Clarke,” Bellamy presses. “I can’t actually read your mind.” “No?” “It’s weird, I know.” Her laugh doesn’t have much humor to it, is far shakier than Clarke would like it to be, but her lungs also don’t feel like they’re collapsing, so she assumes that’s a step in the right emotional direction. “Sometimes I used to think you could,” she whispers. “Those first couple of days after the bridge. Before the Ark came down and everything—” “—Went to shit?” “Always seems to, doesn’t it?” “I hope not. Still not an answer.” “You’re harping” “Curious,” Bellamy amends, sliding closer to her. There’s still space, enough that the heat coming off him isn’t more than a passing graze of warmth on Clarke’s cheek, and she’ll have to thank him for that at some point. For not pushing. For knowing. For understanding. 

Clarke licks her lips — dimly aware of the way Bellamy’s shoulders shift as she does, and she probably should have offered him back some of the blanket. 

She doesn’t. 

“I didn’t want to make it,” Clarke starts, and she can’t actually get her voice above a vaguely guarded murmur. He doesn’t blink. “I mean—you know that, right?” Nothing. 

She didn’t expect there to be anything. 

Her mouth is very dry. 

“But I—well, I just...we had to think about what people could do and what they’d bring to a bunker. You know—guards and engineers, doctors, all those things. I—” Clarke shakes her head, confusion rattling around her brain. “You know all of this.” Bellamy nods. “Yeah, that wasn’t my question, though. You picked ninety-eight names, let me fall asleep on that piece of garbage couch—” “—How long have you been holding that in?” “At least a hundred years? Can I finish now?” Clarke sticks her tongue out. He kisses between her eyebrows. “I do know all of that. Which is why it never made sense to put me on the list. Not really. Not after everything I’d done and—” 

Bellamy’s breath hitches, a sharp inhale through gritted teeth, and the emotion in the pit of Clarke’s stomach shifts again. She moves, arm darting out and palm flat on his cheek. He’d shaved a few days earlier, the growing stubble scraping at her skin and the feel of it is almost comforting. Grounding, even. Like it’s reminding her that he’s there and with her and that’s always been the case. 

She can’t believe the sex was so God awful. 

“I couldn’t,” Clarke rasps, “not—I wanted to do it right. After everything I’d done, too. Pick the best and make the right choice and I am...greedy.” “How do you figure?” “With you?” 

“That was a question.” “Yeah, well, it’ll sound insane otherwise.”

He chuckles, twisting his head so he can nip at the back of her wrist. It leaves another scratch of stumble against her, but Clarke’s lungs are evolving again and for as desperate as they’d been, now, twenty-two minutes earlier, this is somehow even better. This soft and almost tremulous thing, not quite cautious, but calm — all practiced ease and a distinct lack of personal space. 

She wants to touch every single inch of him. 

She wants him to touch every single inch of her. 

“Greedy,” Clarke says again, only a little disappointed that it sounds like an admission. Of what, she’s not entirely sure. Not yet, at least. “I couldn’t—no, that’s not even it, I wouldn’t do anything else. Because, well—you’re right, aren’t you?” “No applicable skills?” “I mean—no, that’s not true. You are—you can do so much, Bell, and you are...well, you won’t shut up about talking and people trust you. Way more than me.” “That does sound pretty insane.” “What did you keep saying? Will you let me finish?” 

He shifts again, crowds into her space like he knows he can now. Clarke’s fingers push into his hair — nowhere else to go, or so she will tell herself when she’s trying to forget about the less-than-ideal parts of this night — forehead finding Bellamy’s and there really more freckles on his cheeks she ever expects. 

“People trust you,” Clarke mutters. “And that’s—ok, yeah, I mean—” She stuttering now, stammering over words and explanations because both of those things are wholly founded in feelings and she’s still kind of coming to terms with that. 

Six years of radio messages are one thing. 

Actually living them is another. 

And she’s a pessimist. 

“Why, Clarke?” Bellamy asks, dragging the question across the curve of her jaw and her back arches when his teeth nip at her skin. 

“I wouldn’t have let anything happen to you.”

She doesn’t mean for the words to soar out of her the way that they do, half shouted and honestly meant and Clarke has to blink again. Her vision has gone a little glossy. 

Bellamy doesn’t respond. Which—yeah, that’s fair. He just holds her gaze for a moment before he noses at her cheek, a hand on her blanket-covered hip and Clarke wishes she didn’t close her eyes. She wishes she could watch every shift when he manages to inch even closer to her, the way his back twists and the muscles there tense, trying to do something without actually saying anything. 

So, she does, instead. 

“I picked people,” Clarke continues, “all those roles I knew we had to fill and I had—I was writing your name before I even really thought about.” “High praise,” Bellamy mumbles, mostly into the side of her neck. There are goosebumps on Clarke’s skin, breath coming a little quicker than it had a few moments before. 

“God, you’re annoying.” He hums, more kisses and wandering hands, and she’s got no idea when or how she moved onto her back, only that Bellamy’s forearms are on either side of her head and her fingers start tracing scars. On instinct. And something far deeper than that. 

“I just—” Clarke says, “it didn’t make sense not to have you on the list. To not give you…” “What?” “Time. To have a chance, just to...be. Even after the world ended.” “That happened eventually.” “Did it?” Bellamy nods, tugging lightly at the top of the sheet and Clarke doesn’t object when he pulls the fabric down. Maybe they should just throw it all away. Metaphorically. Literally. “What do you think we’re doing now?” he asks lightly, and Clarke genuinely isn’t sure how much more of this her spine will be able to take. 

She arches under him, certain her skin is actually starting to buzz, a low hum in the back of her brain and in between every single one of her ribs, like she’s about to burst from the inside out. 

“Having really bad sex?” Clarke quips. “Ha, ha, ha. What did I tell you before? When I woke up from the shitty couch.” “Why do you have so many opinions on this couch?” “An answer,” Bellamy says, but there’s a hint of something just on the edge of his voice and Clarke knows the goosebumps have betrayed her as soon as he laughs. 

“Bastard.” “Yes, that’s been fairly well documented over the years. Do you want a hint?” “Are you going to try and make out with me again or not?” He sighs — although Clarke can still feel the way his mouth turns up while he drags it towards her collarbone, alternating kisses with the soft graze of his teeth and the stubble that she’s really starting to be questionably into. 

“I told you if I was on that list, then so were you,” Bellamy says. “And I meant it Clarke. If you were trying to give me time to—” “—Live.” “Babe, seriously, the interruptions have got to stop.” Clarke has witnessed far more explosions than any single human being ever should, has dealt with radiation and death and destruction and an almost absurd number of apocalypses. Her body has been hers and not, some scars she doesn’t entirely understand yet, and even after all of that, the bullshit and the garbage and the distinct lack of time, nothing has prepared her for Bellamy Blake to call her babe while dragging his mouth towards the top of her right thigh.

She gasps. 

It’s a lame reaction, really. 

Although she had closed her eyes before. So, grand scheme. Again. 

“Yeah?” Bellamy asks, far too knowing against the jut of her hip. 

“I’ll kick you, I swear.” He chuckles, more warmth that fans across Clarke and her back almost audibly protests the contortions she’s putting it into, but something feels like it snaps in the very center of her and she can’t be bothered by the confines of normal human muscle mechanics. 

She tries to grind up, to cant her hips and force something — but that might have been their problem from the get. Forced into situations they couldn’t control, a distinct lack of options or time and now they’ve got both. 

And Clarke would pick Bellamy every single chance she got. 

“We’ve got time now,” he says, soft and so goddamn earnest Clarke is pleasantly surprised her heart doesn’t simply burst out of her chest. 

She’s glad. 

That would be messy. 

And probably the only thing that could distract her from what happens next — Bellamy sliding further down the bed, fingers brushing the inside of Clarke’s legs until his lips take over and she stares at that same spot on the ceiling. 

She doesn’t resent it quite as much anymore. 

“You know that right, babe?” Bellamy asks. “This is it. Every cliché we could come up with. The start of it all and the beginning of the end and—” “—Oh, that’s a good one,” Clarke interrupts. She’s a little breathless again, reaching a blind hand out to card her fingers into his hair. And hold him exactly where he is. He doesn’t seem all that inclined to move, honestly. 

“Yeah, I’m big on that one too. We get to go slow now. Be boring.” “Boring?” “Boring,” Bellamy echoes. “Linger, even. In every single thing we do. Get greedy with all of it because that’s what I want. I want to get greedy with you too, Clarke.”

“Yeah?” “Disappointing that wasn’t more obvious.” She laughs — soft and easy and the hope that rushes through both of her arms is barely contained by the tips of her fingers, a burst of energy and want and—“Just relax, ok?” Bellamy mutters. “Let me take care of you.” “What was that about things sounding insane?” “Rude. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing while expecting different results, right?” “Yuh huh.” “So, let’s try something different.”

Clarke doesn’t get a chance to refute, no opportunity for the continuation of vaguely playful and slightly flirty banter. Every single word she’s ever learned, in a variety of languages, disappears as soon as Bellamy’s head drops and tongue darts out and neither one of them acknowledge that something in her back definitely cracks. 

Or how tight her fingers get in his hair. 

If anything, that second thing seems to spur him on. 

He makes this one, specific noise that Clarke will probably think about on rotation for at least the next one-hundred years, a rhythm that had felt impossible the first time they tried this. Although, to be fair, they hadn’t tried this. 

That was definitely their first mistake. 

Bellamy mouths at her, long swipes of his tongue that eventually turn to pressure and fingers and he must mumble something because Clarke can just make out sounds that almost resemble words and might be yeah, like that and fuck, you feel good. She closes her eyes again, can’t think of anything else to do when all Clarke wants to do is linger in the moment and the feeling. 

She rocks up. He pushes down. They settle into this and each other and it’s exactly the same as it’s always been, as it probably always should have been, but, for the first time, Clarke doesn’t feel like she’s running on borrowed time. 

She doesn’t even feel like she’s running, while everything is moving around her — she’s just...just. Content. Calm. She’s— “Oh, fuck,” she hisses, Bellamy's low chuckle far too pleased while she arches up and suggesting that she feels everything is absurd. Insane, even. 

And yet. Version three point oh. 

Clarke’s breath catches and her body goes tight before it all seems to shatter, a break that’s somehow overwhelming and perfect, rushing from the top of her head to the tip of her toes and Bellamy groans when her leg drapes over his shoulder. 

Both of her calf muscles are perfectly fine. 

And he doesn’t move immediately, lets the moment stay exactly the way Clarke wants it to, but then Bellamy is crowding in her space again and his mouth is on hers and it’s back to greedy and demanding, any sense of slow forgotten in how much they both want. 

Hope. 

“Smug does not look good on you,” Clarke mutters. It does not come out like the insult she wants it to, Bellamy’s lower lip stuck out when he nods. 

That makes it easier to catch between her teeth, though. So. Whatever. 

He talks even more as they start to move again, running his mouth with encouragements and promises and the word babe on loop, if only because Clarke’s hips jerk every time it happens. And it still might not be the best they could do — the nose thing is really going to be a logistical nightmare if they can’t figure out the proper angle to turn their heads for optimum kissing, but kissing also seems like something of an afterthought when it turns into just shared breath and shared space and Bellamy’s eyes close at some point. 

Clarke will also think about that.   

For a very long time. 

Which is what they have now. 

Together. 

She’s out of breath again, sweat clinging to the ends of her hair and the light that drifts across the floor is a little different than it had been earlier. The shadows stretch and the curtains flutter in a soft breeze, like the whole of it all is simply waiting for—

Clarke flutters her fingers, not much space between her and the arm next to hers and Bellamy’s wrist flips. “That was smooth,” he murmurs, hand finding hers. He’s smiling. She can tell. 

“Yeah, that was my plan from the beginning.” “Was it?” She hums, head falling to the side. She’d been right about the smiling thing. The same one she’d wanted when she asked for this and before she believed she could. Hers. Theirs, really. “Absolutely,” Clarke says. “You think it worked?” “I think it will.” “Yeah, me too.”

They do eventually put new sheets on the bed, but only after they’ve woken up from asleep in it, a tangle of limbs and feelings and the beginning of the end. 

This is an announcement to Ebblr as a whole. Some of you might remember Pink, or TV, who left the Ebblr community back at the end of May with no real warning other than saying they needed to leave for their own mental health. Perceptionate, a current ebblr blog has recently revealed that they are in fact Pink/TV, and have been interacting as though they were a new person entirely til now. We also believe they made another blog before Perceptionate, which was called what-the-ebs-is-this/redacted-ebs/partic1e, which deactivated just hours before Perceptionate was created, where they also pretended to be a different person.

Cut added to not clog the dash, please read the whole thing

For more backstory on the original account, Pink/TV, and their departure:

On 5/20 Sunny received this ask:

suggesting there was a poppy member in the discord that we didnt know about. when Sunny brought it up to the ebcord, most people responded with confusion or interest, and Pink was very clearly on edge/acting strange. it got to a point where Pink logged out for the rest of the night and an hour later Sunny received another ask in the same typing style, proving the person was in fact in the disc as they referenced Sunny feeling sick, which bun only mentioned in the ebcord.

on 5/22 we banned a member for having poppy connections and Sunny received this ask:

just the day prior Pink had told us they were a system, this plus their affinity for typing quirks and their initial response to the first ask being revealed in ebcord all play a part in why we believe these were all from Pink. Sunny received more asks in the same typing style a day later, on 5/23. At this point the mods were all coming to the conclusion that this was Pink, and Sunny tried to coax a confession out of them by saying mew know who it was so they should confess or mew would just ban them. We didn't end up banning Pink that night as we were waiting to see if they would reveal more information in the coming days.

Pink left the discord 3 days later, on 5/25, only saying that they were "leaving for their mental health", and they then fully removed all traces of them as Pink/TV from ebblr, discord account and all.

The very same day what-the-ebs-is-this was created, and from the start they were very open and felt comfortable talking to bigger ebblr blogs like Jason, who they sent an ask to on their first day calling themself just a lurker. They began sending Sunny multiple messages daily, many of which had nothing to do with ebblr or things Sunny was interested in, but instead them trying to talk about their life or attempts to strike up unwanted conversations, bordering on parasocial in their interactions considering they were meant to be a brand new blog. They asked to join the ebcord within 4 days of their blog creation, so 4 days from originally leaving as Pink, (5/29 Ram was sent a DM from them) and were told they would be added to the waitlist, but contacted Ram multiple times to try and get in sooner.

This account messaged bigger ebblr blogs constantly, to the point of uncomfortableness for Sunny who received the brunt of them and eventually they stopped getting replies. While being monikered as 'Red' (short for redacted-ebs when they changed their blog name), they befriended the Dead Hours Gang, and seemed to shift their attention to this subsection of ebblr. They got close enough to be allowed in their discord, but ended up shedding this persona and deactivating and leaving that discord on 6/21 with no prior warning. (During this time we also got confirmation they were sending hate anons to Sunny specifically while trying to befriend them off-anon, confirmed by ppl who were close to 'Red')

The SAME DAY as that, 6/21, Perceptionate was created and they from the start tried to set themselves apart by blocking Sunny and vagueing fluff in their DNI to make it seem like they wanted nothing to do with mew's blog despite their prior persona messaging them almost daily. They befriended the DHG again to the point of getting back in their discord as this new person, who they called Percy, and assimilated into their friend group. Last night a non-discord member of ebblr received a message asking them if they knew where Pink/TV went, and they replied that they had no clue. Perceptionate then revealed to this person in DMs that they were in fact Pink, and this person relayed the info to Sunny as they were made aware of the situation from May.

No matter what Pink/Perceptionate/What-the-ebs-is-this' explanation for their choices may be, we recommend the Ebblr community disconnects from them and cuts any ties in order to keep yourselves safe. They have shown they are untrustworthy, and will pretend to be whoever they want to be in order to infiltrate friend groups. The situation in May was a catalyst, and it's clear Pink does not actually care about the people they hurt, whether it's by terrorizing them in their ask boxes or by tricking them into thinking they are friends and then ghosting them with no warning only to create a new blog to start the process over again.

DickKory Week 2021 - Day One

Day 1: Batman!Dick | Pining | “Don’t touch her.”

To say that playing the Dark Knight so Bruce could go on a trip to mend his broken relationship with a revived Jason was a pain was an understatement. But if he’d preach that his Gotham family had to make healthy, better choices without being called a big old hypocrite, Dick would have pinch in. And for now, it meant changing the sunny San Francisco for the gloomy Gotham, and his sleek sexy uniform for the clunky cape and cowl. Oh well, the things you do for love.

The to do list he was currently running inside his mind read as follow:

1 – Stand in the darkness spookily (done);

2 – Stop scheduled crime from happening (actual thing in Gotham, also done);

3 – Stop unscheduled petty crime he might come across on patrol (you are never really done with that, but he did his best);

4 – Brood (not as easily as one might think when your Robins are being ridiculous, and hilarious, in the comms. He meant to have just one as God intended, but Rachel and Gar would not stop fighting to decide which one would wear his old traffic light uniform, and in the end Dick just gave up, and let them both be Robin.)

So, he was currently failing at brooding, great, he used to be good at that. Well, good was not the exact expression…

“Good evening, Mr Batman.”

Dick smirked and turned around on the gargoyle he was perched on to look at his companion.

“Hey babe.”

He cursed, she let out that powerful dirty laugh of hers, he forgot to turn off the voice modulator and hearing his old dad calling his girl “babe” in that scary Batman was at best unsettling and at worst hilariously cringey. Kory clearly was feeling more like the second hypothesis.

She looked a little bit tired, maybe was the baby, maybe was the fact that she had been flying across the country daily to check on him and the kids, while still having duties as a Titan in San Francisco. Dick had argued that she didn’t need to do any of that. Conner and Donna were fully capable of taking care of their city while he, Rachel and Gar babysat Gotham, and all she had to do was focus in the little half-tamaranean half-human child growing inside of her. But Kory being Kory, told him to fuck off. And after two weeks being banned from their bed and a long conversation in which he assured her that he did not think she was weak, or useless they came to a compromise. He compromised to not try to pull that crap ever again. And Kory compromised to not make him regret to ever leave his mother’s womb. A fair deal.

“It’s almost morning,” she said after finishing her laughing fit at his expenses. “I’ve already told the kids to go back.”

Oh, that explained the sudden silence in the comms.

“You need to make them another staff or they will be fighting over that prototype forever.”

Dick sighed and looked away from her. She was right. The night was almost over and the silver dawn approached in the horizon. Gotham almost appeared a normal city in that light. Almost a place worth to fight for. He found himself missing Bruce, and not only because he’d give an arm and a leg to just take his space princess, his little witch and his zoological son and leave; but because, deep down, veeeeery deep he kinda missed this. Gotham at dawn, it was almost credible then that light could win over that city’s perpetual darkness. When he was young, in the beginning, sometimes he’d fall sleep at this time, and wake up on the backseat of the batmobile wrapped on Bruce’s cape.

“I’ll get to it eventually,” he said turning his back at Gotham and taking her in. God, even looking tired she was gorgeous. The richness of her dark skin, the way it bounced back the blues and silvers of the city lights, it was drizzling and the droplets hanged from her long lashes and soft curls like crystals. She blinked and he reached towards her face, for no other reason than the comfort of touching her. “Let’s go home.”

She smiled, but stepped back, avoiding his touch, Dick pouted, hurt.

Kory giggled again.

“Wayne Manor is hardly home, and don’t look at me like that.”

“Like how?” He definitively didn’t sound at all like the Batman now. Batman would never sound so childish, too bad he couldn’t care a rat’s ass for how Batmanly he should sound when his wife wouldn’t let him even cuddle her a little bit when he had worked so hard all night.

“Dick, what will people think if they see Starfire and Batman being all lovey and dovey on the top of some gargoyle? Do you want to deal with that press scandal?”

He pouted harder.

She was right, of course. Man, he wanted to go home!

hey!! i loved your hoo playlist! can you explain more or less where which book begins and ends? or just your thought process behind picking the songs?

omg hi!! this is going to be really long I’m so sorry... I vaguely broke them up by book and sorta character/event/theme, it’s not super strict or anything but that was the logic!

I kinda imagine it playing out like a movie or tv series.. and so some of these kinda play over a scene or transition to the credits in my head? some more than others! otherwise it’s like punny titles or just songs that remind of plot points!

Lost Hero

- Goodbye Stranger - for Jason, since he has no idea what’s going on lol

- Teenage Dream - for the three of them, but mostly Piper!

You think I'm pretty without any makeup on You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

- Parachute - kinda Jason and Piper, I think as she realizes their relationship isn’t quite what it seems? (and just playing with his flying lol!)

- Metal Guru - Leo! 

- Pretty Girl - Piper, I was imagining this when she clashes with Drew/learns about the Aphrodite cabin

And I could be a pretty girl Shut up when you want me to And I could be a pretty girl Won't ever make you blue And I could be a pretty girl I'll lose myself in you

- The Sky’s The Limit - when the three of them take off on Festus

- Snowqueen Of Texas - this was for Khione lol

I'm on my knees, your majesty; Snowqueen, save a cold kiss for me I'm on my knees your majesty

- Sweet Talkin’ Woman - this is book-wide but it’s for Piper’s charmspeak!

- Are You Gonna Be My Girl - is sorta general but I was imagining it when Jason and Piper kinda decide to be together/give it another go

- It’s Not Unusual - I think this was sorta the entire book/wider series but I just think it’s cute and fun and a Guardians of the Galaxy type end credits song? And just them accepting their very bizarre situation 

Son of Neptune + Mark of Athena

I put these together because there wasn’t really a set bookend in my head!

- Hello Stranger - finally reuniting with Percy! (and I wanted the Percy and Jason songs to mirror each other)

Hello stranger (Ooh) It seems so good to see you back again How long has it been? (Ooh it seems like a mighty long time)

- Diamonds - Hazel 

- Don’t Go Breaking My Heart - Frank trusting Hazel with the wood, also Percy + Annabeth, everyone really

Don't go breaking my heart You take the weight off of me Oh, honey when you knock on my door Ooh, I gave you my key

- Beautiful Soul - I literally don’t know why I added this I just wanted an excuse to add a Jesse McCartney song (which feels so tonally correct to me?) but also I think it’s Frank liking Hazel in spite of her big secret and Percy loving Annabeth

- Pocketful of Rainbows - encountering Iris!

I don't worry Whenever skies are gray above Got a pocketful of rainbows Got a heart full of love

- Am I The Same Girl - Annabeth’s POV upon reunion!

Why don´t you stop And look me over Am I the same girl you used to know?

Why don´t you stop And think it over Am I the same girl who knew your soul?

- Bizarre Love Triangle - Frank, Hazel, and Leo

- Treasure - Hazel again + the literal treasure?

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl you should be smiling (you should be smiling) A girl like you should never look so blue (blue) You're everything I see in my dreams I wouldn't say that to you if it wasn't true

- The Sweet Escape - off on the Argo II

- Okay Okay - to Italy! and I just think Italian disco is so fun

- On An Evening in Roma - walking around Rome, seeing all its history

Though there's grinning and mandolining in sunny Italy The beginning has just begun when the sun goes down So please meet me in the plaza near your casa I am only one and that is one too few On an evening in Roma Don't know what the country's coming to But in Rome do as the Romans do Will you on an evening in Roma

- Stuck on the puzzle - Annabeth + the Mark of Athena

- Coca Cola - I was imagining the pirates+sacrifice to Dionysus/ his appearance

- Edge of Seventeen - I think Annabeth remarks to herself something like am I really going to die at 17? so this is for her and all the kids just on the cusp of being 17

And the days go by, like a strand in the wind In the web that is my own, I begin again Said to my friend, baby (everything stopped) Nothin' else mattered

- Landslide - when everything goes wrong and they start falling to Tartarus

Oh, mirror in the sky What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I'm getting older too

House of Hades + Blood of Olympus

these are more thematic I think? but a few moments in particular

- Head Over Heels - falling down... 

I made a fire, and watching it burn Thought of your future With one foot in the past, now just how long will it last?

Something happens and I'm head over heels I never find out until I'm head over heels Something happens and I'm head over heels Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart Don't, don't, don't throw it away

- You and Me - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus

If the stars don't shine If the moon won't rise If I never see the setting sun again You won't hear me cry as I testify Please believe me boy you know I would I lie As long as there is you and me

- Don’t Worry Baby - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus, on the shore of the river

Well it's been building up inside of me For oh I don't know how long I don't know why But I keep thinking Something's bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes And makes me realize And she says "don't worry, baby"

- It’s Only A Paper Moon - the mist and Hazel starting to understand it

You smile, the bubble has a rainbow in it Say, it's only a paper moon Sailing over a cardboard sea But it wouldn't be make-believe If you believed in me

- Money, Money, Money - Hazel + Pluto

Money, money, money Must be funny In the rich man's world

- Magic - the whole story, but particularly with the presence of Hecate 

- Summer Wind - Jason harnessing the winds!

The summer wind came blowin' in from across the sea It lingered there, to touch your hair and walk with me All summer long we sang a song and then we strolled that golden sand Two sweethearts and the summer wind

- Mala Femmina - the return of Khione

- Would You? - Leo and Calypso

Well, you know she took my hand And we walked away And I can't understand why she would stay Would you like to fall in love with me?

-  Love is Like a Fire - Leo and also Frank 

- Don’t Wanna Fight - Percy and Annabeth

Take from my hand Put in your hands The fruit of all my grief Lying down ain't easy When everyone is pleasing I can't get no relief Living ain't no fun The constant dedication Keeping the water and power on There ain't nobody left Why can't I catch my breath? I'm gonna work myself to death

- Love Really Hurts With You - Leo after leaving Calypso’s island

- What Makes the Sunset - Percy and Annabeth (and by extension Bob and Damasen)

What makes the sunset? What makes the moonrise? What makes the tide remember to hide and why does it soon rise? What makes a star fall? Where does it fall to? Why does its flight make us stop in the night and wish as we all do?

- Dedicated to the One I Love - everybody, but an ode to Bob and Damasen (their goodbye made me cry!)

While I'm far away from you my baby I know it's hard for you my baby Because it's hard for me my baby And the darkest hour is just before dawn

Each night before you go to bed my baby Whisper a little prayer for me my baby And tell all the stars above This is dedicated to the one I love

- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus, I was thinking about this post-curses and them being so done with everything

Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man Turn bad

So please, please, please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time

- Lonely Boy - Nico 

- Fantasy - indulging all their visions... the mist, etc. 

- Stupid Cupid - Nico and Cupid (of course)

Stupid Cupid you're a real mean guy (stupid Cupid) I'd like to clip your wings so you can't fly (stupid Cupid) I'm in love and it's a crying shame (stupid Cupid) And I know that you're the one to blame (stupid Cupid)

Hey hey, set me free Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

- Suzanne - still Nico, looking over at the couple (sorry... all the mopey songs)

- Dream A Little Dream of Me - dreams... also Percy’s wishes of the future

Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Birds singing in the sycamore tree Dream a little dream of me

- Our Day Will Come - I think Annabeth says a line almost like this? somewhere at the end of HOH, I think when they’ve just gotten out of Tartarus and are all sitting together, like haven’t they had enough? won’t their day finally come?

Our day will come If we just wait a while No tears for us Think love and wear a smile Our dreams have magic because We'll always stay In love this way

- Call Me - all of them! also Nico and Reyna, just being there for each other

Tell me and I'll be around Now don't forget me 'cause if you let me I will always stay by you You've got to trust me, that's how it must be

- Nobody - Nico... oh buddy 

Venus, planet of love Was destroyed by global warming Did its people want too much too? Did its people want too much?

And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me Guess I'm a coward I just want to feel alright

- I’m a Believer - Jason and Piper

I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind

- Summertime - Piper singing and it being the end of summer

- Happy Trails - more singing ( I want to include the songs actually mentioned!)

- The End of the World - the big battle!!

Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me any more

- Too Late To Turn Back Now - departing with Festus (I think Leo almost says this too!)

- Here Comes The Sun - day comes, the Athena Parthenos is back

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

- Walking On Sunshine - Will Solace

- Evil Woman - Gaea fight

Evil woman, how you done me wrong But now you're tryin' to wail a different song Ha, ha, funny, how you broke me up You made the wine, now you drink a cup I came runnin' every time you cried Thought I saw love smilin' in your eyes Ha, ha, very nice to know That you ain't got no place left to go

- Seven Wonders - the seven! also traveling the world... making it this far

If I live to see the seven wonders I'll make a path to the rainbow's end I'll never live to match the beauty again The rainbow's edge

- This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - to me this is just after Annabeth and Percy’s kiss, shots of everyone back to camp, wides of people running around, new cabins under construction, the sun is shining, the camera pulls out 

Loving you is some kind of wonderful Because you showed me just how much you care You've given me the thrill of a lifetime And made me believe you've got more thrills to spare, oh!

- Love Makes the World Go Round - like the end credits! last pov with Piper, love makes it all happen

Without love flowers wouldn't grow in the spring And without spring, yeah the birdies just couldnt sing Everybody needs love to watch the twinkling stars above It makes a boy and girl, Say they feel so fine, now

I Pretend You’re Mine (4)

A/N: Hi all! I know it’s been a while. Unfortunately adulting sucks and I was so caught up in my work situations that I had no more left to give. Thankfully, the writer’s block has gone away (for now). I planned to have this up on Valentine’s Day, butttt *writer’s block*. So, to make up for it, I’m (hopefully) giving you two chapters this weekend. Chapter five is a continuation of four; it was just so long that I decided to split it into two parts. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for all the love! 

Masterlist

Tags: @empath-bunny​

@ityagirljay​​

@wolfarrowepz​

@supernatural-crazed-girl

Chapter Four: Drag Me Headfirst, Fearless

As soon as the plane landed on the tarmac in sunny Florida, the reality of Rosalie’s upcoming situation had hit her like a freight train. She’d been a nervous wreck since. Rosalie jiggled her leg so much on the Uber ride to the port of call that Stiles, the human form of the Energizer bunny, had placed a hand on her knee and urged her to stop. At that point, Rose figured she’d better cool it before she completely lost her resolve and ‘jumped ship’, so to speak.

So, Rosalie began listing things that she could count on in an attempt to center herself. It was something that the woman had been taught and perfected over many years of intense therapy sessions. She rattled off the list in her mind as she concentrated on the quickly passing palm trees on the side of the highway.

Things That Rosalie Could Count on For the Trip from Hell:

One: Knowing Rosalie’s stepmother Evelyn, who made her career out of creating high-class soirees such as this, everything would be meticulously planned out, down to the minute. If it were up to her, she’d even plan the times that they could use the toilet.

Two: Rosalie would most likely be the talk of the event, until the gossip hounds found something, or someone, juicier to bite into. The last time that she had seen the relatives, all twenty of them (minus her Uncle Joe and Aunt Natalie, who wanted nothing to do with her father), was three days before Drew and Rose had their untimely breakup. Drew, who was more family to them than Rosalie ever was.

Luckily, if she had to go through hell, at least…

Three: Rosalie’s support system would be with her 100%. She had Lydia to give reassuring hand squeezes and the family subtle insults. Her brother Levi who, as much of a jackass that he could be, would defend his sister’s honor to the (metaphorical) death. Stiles and Rose would lounge around the open bar and mock her Uncle Tom as he attempted to ‘dance’, or Aunt Sarah who would undoubtedly flirt with Derek.

Derek… Rose’s confidante, her best friend, her anchor, who hadn’t spoken a word since they stepped foot on the extravagant vessel.

Rosalie could chalk it up to being so breath taken from the scenery that Derek had nothing to say. Even Stiles had repeatedly commented “Holy shit this is so bougie” ten times in the last five minutes. (Not that she couldn’t agree. Her  father Jason was the poster child for ‘go big or go home’) To be fair, it was beautiful. The atrium was adorned floor to ceiling in shades of gold, a large diamond chandelier smack in between two beautiful staircases.

Staircases that gave Rosalie an eerie sense of déjà vu. Only because she had seen something bearing a high resemblance to them in a movie featuring her fictional doppelgänger, a fellow redhead who shared Rose’s name.

Part of her wondered if this was her father’s idea of a sick joke. Rosalie had always said that Drew and her were ‘Jack and Rose’. Turns out Drew was more of a Cal Hockley than a Jack Dawson. As for Rosalie, she was still Rose, forever searching in that freezing sea for her Jack. She should have known that she and Drew were doomed to sink beneath the waves.

Sink beneath the waves… Rosalie’s heart began to pound faster as she grabbed ahold of Lydia’s wrist, relying on her cousin to guide her through the maze of humans and staircases to the staterooms.

Derek and Stiles walked ahead of the two, the former’s back stiff with tension.

Was he predicting, too, that this plan of theirs would go down like the Titanic?

Or was he dreading playing Rosalie’s lover in front of a ship full of pompous asses and the occasional normal person?

Derek normally exuded confidence, from the strong set of his jaw to the way that he entered a room. At that moment, he looked more like a frightened schoolboy than a man with enough swagger for their whole friend group.

His blatant anxiety just heightened Rosalie’s. Before she could really process it, Lydia was pulling her arm away and gently shaking Rose’s shoulder.

“Rose? Rosalie!”

Rosalie shook her head, clearing her thoughts and focusing on the hazel of Lydia’s eyes. “Hmm? Sorry.”

Lydia let out a puff of air, blowing upwards the tendrils of hair that weren’t securely fastened in her high ponytail. “We’re here. Go settle in and we’ll meet you in a bit.”

Lydia then shoved Rosalie towards Derek, who caught her with a hand on her elbow. He took the key card from Rose’s sweaty palm and slid it into the slot on the handle, opening the door to a stateroom with a balcony overlooking the crystal sea. The stateroom… with one bed.

Rosalie tried not to hyperventilate thinking that Derek and she had to share that.

“You can take the bed,” Derek commented as soon as he too laid eyes on it.

Rose ignored him, deciding to handle that situation later, flopping full-bodied onto the plush mattress. The white comforter smelled like a swift ocean breeze, and she couldn’t help but press her nose further into it.

“What is it with you and smelling things today?” Derek chuckled.

Rosalie threw a nearby pillow at him, her face still buried in the bed. “Shut up, asshole.”

The bed shifted to the right of where she lied, the fabric dipping a foot away. That made her feel better. At least if they had to share it like when they were kids, there would be enough space between the two of them so that things wouldn’t happen. Which Rosalie would make sure of. Well, sober her would make sure of it. Drunk her could not be trusted.

“I didn’t hear a word you said, but I assume it was something along the lines of ‘you’re an asshole.”

Rose rolled onto her side. “Close, but no dice…” She lost the train of thought as her eyes caught on a glittering cardstock pamphlet lying between the two of them.

Martin Family Reunion 2019

Day 1: Thursday, June 13th

5:00 pm- Disembark from Cape Canaveral

7:00 pm- Welcome Cocktails in the Stardust Lounge, Deck 6

All must attend.

Proper Cocktail Attire required for entry.

Rosalie groaned so loudly that a masculine laugh resounded from the other side of the wall.

“What?” Derek responded to his friend’s displeasure. Without a word, the woman passed him the pamphlet, watching out of the corner of her eye as his beautiful olive eyes took in the itinerary. His face contorted into a sour expression, and he put down the paper at once.

With a pat to Rose’s thigh, Derek got up from the bed and grabbed his wallet and the aviator sunglasses that were resting on the vanity table. Her eyes followed his form, waiting for some kind of explanation as to where in the hell he thought he was going.

“You and Lydia have fun getting ready. Stiles and I are going down to that bar we saw in the atrium.”

Rosalie gaped, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “Wh—what? What about—”

“Would you chill? I’ll be back before seven. I need a drink before I see The Stepford Family.”

Rosalie snorted rather unattractively at Derek’s choice nickname for her father and his new family. Evelyn and her daughters certainly were like characters dragged out of The Stepford Wives film.

Derek was about to leave the room, when he paused, two fingertips grazing the golden door handle. He turned his body slightly to face Rose, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“It’s all-inclusive, right? Everything we buy with the key card goes on his tab?”

She assumed that by ‘his’, Derek meant her father, Jason.

“Yup,” Rosalie replied, popping the ‘p’.

“In that case, I’ll make sure to get the most expensive liquor that they have,” Derek smiled deviously, lazily waving the golden keycard.

She was momentarily distracted by his pretty face, and the familiar but unwanted fluttering in her stomach. By the time Rosalie snapped out of her thirstiness, he was gone.

__________________

Rosalie stumbled in her Louboutin’s for the sixth time, looking quite like the person who’d had three shots of Whiskey that was bottled before she was born.

Derek, the one who actually had, so smoothly wrapped his arm around Rose’s waist for support. The heat of his palm warmed her skin, even through the mint green cocktail dress she was wearing, but it was the last thing on her mind.

With every step that they took towards the wooden double doors at the entrance of the Stardust Lounge, the more Rose’s stomach churned, and her vision blurred. Eventually, her heart pounding through her ribcage was the only sound that Rosalie could hear.

Rosalie stopped abruptly, frantically searching for a bathroom, for a garbage can, for a balcony that she could jump off of.

Derek continued walking but was pulled back by the hand that was grasping Rose’s still figure.

 “I can’t do this. Oh god, I can’t do this. I think I’m going to throw up,” she breathed shallowly, the urge to vomit slowly creeping up her throat. Rose hastily removed Derek’s grip from her waist, struggling to find her balance, and teetered towards the opposite wall. Before she could go very far, Derek’s rough hand was in hers, squeezing it in a likely attempt to bring Rosalie back to center.

“What?” She heard Lydia begin, but Derek had silenced Lydia instantly with a rushed command of “Go, stall for us. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

“Hold your breath, Rosie!” Stiles called as Derek led a dazed Rosalie to a cream-tiled room.

Stiles’ advice brought Rose back to the time, years ago, when Lydia had told her that she’d kissed Stiles mid panic attack after his dad was shot pursuing a perp.

“When I kissed you, you held your breath,” Lydia had said to Stiles.

Rosalie had thought it romantic at the time. So romantic. But she prayed that Derek didn’t try that trick on her. Rose couldn’t handle it, not when…

Derek grabbed hold of either side of Rosalie’s face with both hands, forcing her to look at him.

“Rose. Rosie! Look at me. Breathe,”

His face so close to hers just made her breathing speed up, not slow like he intended.

“Fuck Rosalie,” Derek voiced, sounding almost as breathless as his best friend.

He nodded once, then took a deep breath through his nose and out through his mouth, his eyes never leaving Rosalie’s tear-stained face. “Breathe with me, babe. In, out.”

She tried to follow his lead, but only to appease him. Rosalie couldn’t stand that desperate look in his eyes, the frantic shifting of his gaze, or the tense set of his jaw. The thought of him being in pain like that, even emotional pain,it physically hurt her.

“Good. Good, Rosie. Keep going.”

She took a few more breaths through her nose, the world-ending feeling lessening with each exhale.

“You good?” Derek questioned, his thumb rubbing lightly up and down the woman’s cheek.

Rosalie nodded softly, still not having the breath to voice any thoughts.

She leaned back on the countertop, feeling the coolness of the tile and the mirror behind her. Rose hadn’t noticed before, but they were hiding from the family in a large single bathroom. Rosalie laughed to herself. It wasn’t the first time that she’d had a mental breakdown next to a toilet. And it probably wouldn’t be the last.

“Thanks,” Rose commented hoarsely, not daring to look at Derek in fear of what he might think of her. Weak was the only word that came to mind. “Sorry for freaking out. Never thought you’d have to console someone in a bathroom, did you?”

Derek snorted, and Rose’s heart dropped a bit at the sound, thinking that he was mocking her. “Actually, you’re not the first crying woman that I’ve held in a cramped bathroom.”

She raised one brow at him, a wordless cue to elaborate.

“I may or may not have had a girlfriend with a pregnancy scare back in college.”

“Of course, you did,” Rosalie said before she could really think about it, heart once more dipping in her chest. What was she thinking, pretending to be engaged to someone like Derek Hale?

Derek Hale, who could have any woman he wanted. Who would think that he would settle for someone as quiet and average as Rosalie?

“Hey.” Derek stepped in front of her, further away than he was minutes ago, but not by much. “Never apologize for being human, for having feelings and fears. Especially not to me.”

All Rosalie could manage was a small smile, to which he reciprocated with one of his own.

“You’re still the strongest woman I know. Stronger than Cora, stronger than mom—”

“I don’t know about that,” she replied playfully.

Derek rolled his eyes and continued on with his motivational speech, every word loosening the tense muscles in her shoulders. “Yes, even my mom. But don’t tell her I said that. Hey, if you’re worried about your family, then fuck them. They should be thankful that you’re even here after all the shit they threw at you.”

Rosalie nodded, fingers playing absently with the sapphire ring on her left hand—thinking about the last time she had worn a diamond on the same finger. And the man that put it there. Who took it so easily and put it on someone else. Not just someone else: Ashleigh.

“No, I can see it in your face. You’re worried about seeing Drew again, aren’t you?”

Damn him for being so perceptive, and for knowing her so well. Rosalie went to deny it but found that she couldn’t lie to him.

“You know what, we’ll walk in there, I’ll see him, and you know what I’ll say?”

He was smiling again, grinning ear to ear like he thought he was hilarious. It was so rare to see him like that that she humored him just to keep that smile on his face.

“And what will you say, may I ask?”

“’Me thinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.’”

Rosalie couldn’t help herself as her head swung back in a fit of giggles. “Oh my God, Derek Hale. You are such a dork.”

“Ah,” he countered, holding up a finger, “You can’t say that. Not when you totally got my joke.”

Rosalie beamed up at him. “Ok, fine. We’re both dorks. Happy, Derek the Bard?”

“Yes, princess. I’m enthused. You ready to go?” Derek gestured with a thumb towards the door. The door that lead to the hallway. The hallway to the Starboard Lounge, where all of Rosalie’s family would stare at her like she was some rare creature on the auction block.

“No,�� Rose said weakly.

Derek rolled his eyes again, a look that Rose was more familiar with than the Cheshire Cat grin that previously lit up his face. “Yes, you are.”

Rosalie stared at herself in the large, lighted mirror, checking over her face and hair for damages. Trust Rose’s family to point out a single flaw in her appearance. She looked mostly put together, save for the tiny specks of black mascara under her eyes and the slightly faded red lipstick. Rose grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall, wetting it and dabbing under her eyes until all of the mascara smears disappeared.

Satisfied, Rosalie tossed the towel in the garbage bin and grabbed her clutch. “Do I look okay?”

Derek’s eyes swept her form, taking in everything from the pale white of Rosalie’s untanned legs to the lace of her dress, to the retro curls in her hair. She suddenly felt self-conscious, even more so when Derek stayed silent.

Rose nudged him with her elbow, hoping he would say something, anything, and end this deafening silence. His eyes flicked back towards Rosalie. “You look beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to protest, to tell him that she knew he was just saying that because he’s her best friend and he has to.

“I mean it, Rosalie,” Derek added firmly.

“What about me? Do I look good enough to fit in with high-society?” Derek asked, hand sweeping down his body.

Rosalie took it as an unashamed excuse to study him. The unbuttoned suit jacket that he wore hugged his biceps so nicely that it was hard to not stare at them for too long. The white shirt under it was buttoned, except for the two closest to the top that were left open to show a peek of dark chest hair.

In short, he looked like a snack, and damn was Rosalie hungry. Not that she could tell him that, of course. So, she just repeated what he already knew. “Of course. You know you’re hot.”

Derek’s eyes widened, his ears turning slightly pink. “You think I’m hot?”

“You think you’re hot.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Um, yes you do. You get that look on your face when you’re flirting with girls like ‘I’m sexy and I know it.’”

“God, that was one time Rosalie! It guess I will never live it down.”

Rosalie snickered at the memory. “No, you won’t. Now be a good pretend fiancé and help me walk.”

“Why the hell are you wearing those stilettos if you can’t even walk in them?”

“Lydia made me.”

Derek said nothing, knowing that there was no arguing with Lydia Martin. He offered his friend his arm, ever the gentleman. In turn, she placed her hand in the crook of his elbow, trying not to get too distracted by the muscle under it.

Survey #198

“i woke up on the wrong side of my floor.”

What do you get tired of having to explain? It's not something asked frequently at all, but since I had to to new doctors and ER workers etc., I'm not a fan of re-telling the break-up story with Jason. What perk of being “grown up” lived up to your childhood expectations? Independence, though I. Don't act on it much with my dependent ass. Who is your least favorite character in the last show you watched? Shoot me, Sara and Con, but so far Zuko as a villain doesn't impress me. If you weren’t in a relationship with your significant other (or last) and you met them for the first time tonight, would you hook up with them? I wouldn't "hook up" with anyone. Is there a place that makes you sad to return to? It's just better for me to stay away from the place Jason and I took our first prom pictures. I actually returned there last fall to take pictures however; I was fine, but it still felt weird. What is the most morally questionable thing that you’ve done? Idk. Has anyone ever surprised you by changing when you didn’t believe that they could? Dad, 100%. What is the best advice a sibling has given you? Something from Ashley regarding the break-up when I was starting to recover, but I can't remember exactly what. Was there an opportunity that you feel like you missed out on in high school? Hm... thought about this quite a bit, and I actually don't think so? I mean I wish my mental health had been better, but I overall had a fair experience. What was the biggest lie you’ve told a significant other? Idk, it's just about impossible for me to tell an s/o a serious lie; or small ones, for that matter. Maybe that I wasn't mad about something when I was? Idk. Have you ever treated someone badly because someone else treated you badly? I'm sure I have at some point, just not deliberately. What is your favorite lyric from your favorite band? Don't- What is the worst thing you’ve said or done while PMSing? Boy, I've done some dumb shit. Probably self-harm (no, it's not something I do now). Did you have an irrational childhood fear? Oh, I'm sure. None are coming to me now... Well, do you consider serious separation anxiety "irrational?" Do you and your significant other have ‘a song’? What is it? Oh boy, a lot. "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen and Paramore's "The Only Exception" get me the most, though. Do you ever give things away to your friends? Don't really have anyone to do that with. Is there anyone’s friendship or relationship, in particular, that makes you jealous? Nope. Well, it'd be absolutely incredible to have a friendship (so in this case, not counting Sara) like Rhett and Link. I'm not even remotely kidding, they were the ones that made me question my former, humiliating outlook on homosexuality because my heart just yelled at me to ship them & I still do lol. Do you have anyone’s tweets sent directly to your phone? Whose? No. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No. Do you complain a lot? Eh, depends on the day and subject. Have you ever been to a music festival? Yes, but only to take pictures for a photography class. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away? The blood wolf moon. I stayed up 'til like, 2-3-something to see totality, and it was fucking incredible. I hadn't seen a full lunar eclipse since I was a kid. If your life was a movie, what would it be rated? R, probably... mostly due to excessive cursing lmao. Are you more of a talker or a listener? A listener. Have you ever called in at a radio station & dedicated a song to someone? No. Would you ever go to a protest or be involved in a protest? Sure. When playing rock, paper, scissors which do you usually pick? I think scissors. Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? Maybe a small one? Would you ever try any extreme sports? No. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? I've always found that idea as absolute and utter bullshit. Do you ever try making your dream up before falling asleep? I just daydream; I don't like, actively hope it'll transfer into a legitimate dream. Ever been on a golf cart? Yes. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Last person you took a nap with? Sara. Are you embarrassed by anything you have in your bedroom? No. Is your last ex currently in a relationship? Not to my knowledge. Has anyone ever given you roses? Yeah. Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed? asjfpawe quite honestly, smoking weed. The former would probs kill me. Do you owe anybody money? No. How many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed? Now as adults and not stupid kids, just a handful. Maybe just one or two serious ones. What’s the most positive thing anyone has ever said about you? When I actually had a brain, compliments I got regarding my intelligence meant a lot. Maybe there's something else, but that's just the first that came to mind. What’s the most positive thing you would say about yourself right now? I'm very empathetic and care a lot about cheering people up. Have you ever been to church? What was it like? I grew up going to church, and at no point in my life did I enjoy it. When I was old enough to not be forced to go, I quickly stopped, even when I was still religious. What’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? If it's not hot, swim. How many different drugs have you tried? None that weren't prescription. List each drug, and how it made you feel. N/A Which drug do you consider to be your favorite (including alcohol)? Well, I don't even like the taste of alcohol... but I guess that has to be the answer as it's the only one I'll ever indulge in. Who have you had sex with in order from best to worst (you can use initials if you want)? Only done it with one person. What’s your favorite kind of alcoholic beverage? Margaritas. Do you feel like different alcohols have different effects on you? No. Honestly, how good do you think you are in bed? What about oral? Eh, I'm shy, but I don't think I'm bad. It was good enough to get the job done, at least. I fucking hated oral so therefore rarely did it, so idk. What’s your biggest thing you want to accomplish? Overcoming my hard-as-diamonds anxiety. Three favorite candies. Go. Reese's. Sour Punch Straws. Peach rings. What was the last stupid thing someone talked you into believing? Idk. What’s a song that would describe your life at the moment? I legit feel "In The End" by Linkin Park pretty deeply of the late. Man, somehow been a year and still R.I.P. Chester. ;_; What was the last thing that you shared? Idk. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? I love cold pizza. Where are you the most ticklish? FEET. When you’re wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? I don't have them. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Maybe Vulpix. Small and cute and isn't like, actually on fire. Have you ever considered a career in music/acting? No. When was the last time you felt seriously embarrassed? At a VR class when I was talking and completely lost my train of thought and caused like five awkward silences. If your bedroom walls could talk, what would they most likely say? "Bitch u ever move?" Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? Yes. Have you ever seen a movie that was better than the book it was based on? Maybe? I'm unsure, but I doubt it. Did you like the show Invader Zim? I never really watched it. What’s the greatest/most influential song you’ve ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Have you ever bought yourself a present at Christmas? I mean, I've been given money to buy something myself. Is there someone that you’re mean to for no good reason? No? I have damn good reason to be unfriendly to Bentley, but not mean. What was the last thing you got out of the freezer? A rat for Venus. How many people signed you latest yearbook? Not too many, but I didn't ask a lot to. How is your mom today? Probably the same as always: Tired and stressed. Do you prefer long or short hair on the opposite sex? Generally, longer hair. But of course it varies on the person. Would you swap your first name for your middle? No, that would sound so weird. Plus I like my name. Would you rather have 10 siblings or be an only? Hm... growing up as an only child would suck, I think. Ten is a hell of a lot, but I'd prefer that over none. What is your favorite soda? Mountain Dew Voltage is my Achilles' heel. Do like country music? No. It's seldom I'll like any. Tim McGraw impresses me most of the time, though, but not to where I'll go look up a song and binge it. Are you afraid of black cats? Not at all. Do you watch the lightning during storms? No, I stay inside. If I'm in a car though, I keep an eye out. Do you like Scentsy stuff? Sure, but I don't buy anything from it. Do you like House? Never seen it. How many tracks were on the last album you listened to? Idr. Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? Probably Dad. The way he interacts with some people is kinda... weird to where people may feel like he's being rude, when he in no way intends it. You can tell some people don't get him. Are there any songs in your iTunes library that you’ve never listened to? No. Who is the most intelligent person you know? My psychiatrist probably qualifies as a genius. Who was the last female you were introduced to? My personal VR coach. Who was the last male you were introduced to? I have no idea. Who is that last person who harassed and annoyed you? I feel like it was some kid that annoyed me, but idr. Who is the last person who made you feel hurt? Probably Mom. What was the last thing you were worried about? My job future. Are you worried about anyone now? Not really. What time of day feels the most magical to you? Early morning, especially when it's dewy with a light mist and a pink sky as the sun starts to rise... whew. Love it. Who are you jealous of? My sisters and an old friend that's a professional photographer now. What is the last physical ailment you took medication for? Nausea. If you are a YouTuber, are you behind on posting videos? N/A Who is a great YouTuber you have recently discovered? Not really anyone recently. What color is your bathrobe? I don't have one. What is a great pain reliever? Depends on the pain? Are you interested in a guy who has a girlfriend? No. Do you sell any products? If so, what do you sell? No. Are you responsible with money? I believe so, having learned to be very frugal from growing up poor. My weakness is tats, though... I have to make a genuine effort to save for other things. Are you responsible in general? Not very, honestly... but it also depends on what I have responsibility over. Do you use a nightlight? No. Kaiju's and Venus' lights stay on, however, if you wanna count that. Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to? Not really. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I guess the good guy? Have you ever watched the original British Skins? No, nor the American. It disgusted me. Do you like Oreos? Hell yeah. Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you barely know? I don't believe so. Were you a cute baby? I was, dude. Would you ever shoot someone right in the face? If it was in self-defense with someone trying to seriously hurt or kill me, that's right where I'd aim. Have you ever sold drugs? No. Have you ever been shot? No. Are you on good terms with your parents? Yeah. What’s your opinion on border control? It's necessary for the protection of our country. I'm totally for legal immigration, mind you. Have you had any major tragedies in your life? I'd say one event qualifies. What do you think of open casket funerals? No opinion, I think... A part of me feels like the risk of someone disrespecting the body isn't worth it, but simultaneously I firmly feel the actual family and those very close to this person have the right to see them one final time looking at peace. Have you ever had a pet rat? Quite a number. I had two pairs where three died of unknown causes, while one developed cancer and passed. Went through two that died last year; one had to be sick upon adopting her, as she passed very quickly, and her sister immediately followed suit. Adopted Mitsu, later another to try to give her a partner (rats are social and aren't supposed to live alone), but she'd already grown territorial, so the sweetheart had to be returned. Now I just have Mitsu. Could you go a year without sex? It's already been three, and longer wouldn't matter to me. Have you ever wore pajamas a whole straight week? I'm just about always at home in my pj's, and considering I leave like, never... but not the same pair that long. Have you ever waxed your legs? No. Have you ever taught a little kid to flick people off? The fuck, no. Are you more of a taker or giver? Giver. Have you ever itched yourself until your skin was raw? I have permanent scars on both shins from that; my skin becomes unbearably itchy after I shave and then scrub my legs in the shower. Nothing seems to stop it. Do you always clear your history after using the computer? No. Have you ever been chased by a cat? Playing with kittens/juveniles, probably, considering just how many we've had throughout my life. Have you ever had your food stolen by a bird? No. Have you ever dyed your hair light auburn? No. Do you take really good care of your feet? Run now w/ potential TMI: My feet are like. Nothing but thicc calluses from when I would walk like crazy. I haven't been able to get rid of them for nothing, and it's been YEARS. Like, I probably need a professional for this shit lmao. My nails are fine and I keep them clean, it's just the callus ordeal. Is the snow where you live the icey kind or powdery kind? It can be either. Do you get blizzards where you live? I think we've only had one that qualified in my entire life. Can't remember if the wind was bad... What’s the coldest you can remember it ever being? With the wind chill, it was actually around 2 degrees, I think. When was the last time you did something rebellious? Um. Idk. What are your favorite things to create? OCs. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Reading. :/ Do you ever read books to a pet? No. Which has better craft supplies: Dollar Tree or Dollar General? I have zero clue. Which dollar store do you shop at the most? I think Dollar General? What color is your trash can in your bedroom? I don't have one in here. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? Baby animals. What color was your nursery as a baby? Idr. What was the last surgery you had? A cyst removal. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Lol yeah, ask that on a survey I'mma share with the Internet. What is something cheesy your high school’s principal has said? Idr. I don't remember much of him other than he was a goddamn ass. Are you more of a rule breaker or rule follower? Depends, but typically, a follower. Are you good at prioritizing? Idk. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? HALLOFUCKINWEEN If you’re not religious, were you ever? What made you lose faith? I was raised religious, but just life in general brought me to just theism, which I don't really consider a "real" religion. Is there a particular tradition that you follow from your heritage? No. What are your thoughts on where feminism is today? Yo calm your tits. How would you describe your aesthetic? Likes pastel and soft things but is also gore-crazed and obsessed with dark shit that'll probably lead me to Hell. Are you at all interested in philosophy/theory? If so, what philosopher/theorist caught your attention? If not, would you ever consider reading any? YES; however, as someone with OCD that heavily manifests itself as incredulous ruminations to the point I face breakdowns, I try to avoid philosophical debates. No one in specific has caught my attention, but I mean, I haven't exactly made an effort to learn about anyone. Have you ever played any virtual reality games? What was that like? If not, would you ever like to try? No, but I would LOVE to. Is there anything about technology that scares you? The potential it has to reaching some form of sentience the more and more we advance with it. I ain't about that singularity shit. What’s a song that you know that does a lot of wordplay or anything that you find clever? Shit dude, lots of Otep songs. She can make rhymes and such with the creepiest shit. Bring me back the Otep whose music wasn't just political ranting, please. What do you do before you go to bed? The last thing I usually do is DragonVale. Where did you last go out to eat? Hardee's. Do you have unlimited texting? Yeah. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the ER after my suicide attempt, my lowest of low points, while Jason saw me in absolute hysterics the night of the break-up when I said something suicidal so he came here briefly. I feel each was like... a different kind of "worst," if that makes sense. One was absolute, utter defeat, while the other was seeing a human absolutely shatter. Have you ever won anything from the radio? No. Will you keep your last name when you get married? No. What song are you listening to? Shane Dawson's "Fuck Up" is a Big Mood. Do you know anyone whose name starts with an X? Not that I know personally, I think. When was the last time you took a picture with your pet(s)? Roman like over a month ago, Venus a while before... I rarely take pictures including me because I'm ugly. Who’s your favorite Muppet? I don't know like, any. What’s your favorite monster? (can be Monsters Inc., horror films, stories, or myths, whatever) These are too many options man. I guess probably Pyramid Head. But I'm crazy for cryptids too man, I love me some Jersey Devil and Mothman shit. Have you ever seen a polar bear in person? At zoos. What’s your favorite thing to order from Taco Bell? If you heard me eating cinnabon delights in the next room, you'd have all reason to believe a porno was being filmed. What do you think of off-brand soda? I'm fine with them. Which do you like better – carpet or wood floor? I generally find wood prettier, but carpet is comfier. Getting down on and up off the wooden floor when exercising hurts, though. Buuut wood is also easier to clean... but also louder... why the fuck am I getting this deep into a question jeez idk basically. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Being a 23 y/o teenage fangirl lmao. Have you considered running for president? Hell no. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Hm... there's a lot. I suppose ending poverty? Or environmental preservation, which I am already extremely passionate about, but I could actually take more action. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why? I'd imagine the Grand Canyon. It's so vast and ancient and gives you an idea of just how small we truly are. Are ghosts real? Yes. Are aliens real? Probably. Do you know how to play dominoes? No. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Anything from an endangered animal. Would you ever adopt a child? If I wanted kids, possibly. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? *shrugs* Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? I wish I'd told Jenna about the Joel thing. Have you been on your first date? If so, how did it go? Yeah, it was fine. Cute really, though unorthodox as he invited my mother along. It actually did make me less nervous tho. What woke you up this morning? My cat meowing his damn brains out. He does this loud, deep meow when he really wants something, and it woke me up. He does that some mornings, and I have no clue why. Your mood? Eh, nervous. I have a short VR class today, and I have to talk to the woman who handles my case, and I don't believe she'll be happy I haven't applied anywhere yet, even though it's been like, five days... I've been working on getting an Office certificate instead. Did you ever watch The Land Before Time when you were younger? I WAS IN LOVE. Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Usually. What feeling do you have the most difficulty in expressing? Envy. How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation? Have an absolute panic attack and die lmao. But it also depends on if anyone is in the situation with me. Like if someone I seriously loved was endangered, I have a feeling I'd rush to immediately help them. Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Autumn. Beautiful and cool. In what circumstances do you feel most at peace? When I'm with Sara and we're both happy and laughing. :') What is the best thing about being a male/female? Female: It's more "socially acceptable" to show emotions. Male: Don't have to worry about menstruation cycles. Do you enjoy hugging people? Do you enjoy receiving hugs? Yeah. Do you think that luck has much to play in your life? No. I don't believe people have premeditated-by-nature good or bad luck. It's all random or related to your own choices. Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? In only a few areas; no. What is a talent you wish you possessed? The ability to draw hyperrealistically. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? It's been quite a while. Maybe around a month. Could you go a whole day without your computer? Definitely not willingly. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? Yeah, Juan. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone, for more than half an hour? What did you talk about? Most likely Colleen. It was a personal matter, so not saying. Has your ex fallen in love with anyone else, since the two of you broke up? I'm assuming Jason did with Ashley, maybe not. When was the last time you looked at your significant other/crush’s Facebook profile? Been a while. What was the last thing that one of your parents bought for you? Food for me. The last time you went to the hairdressers, what did you have done? A muuuch-needed trim.

kuroko no basket and tarot concepts

the fool - kuroko and ogiwara playing on a streetball court, but they dont see a group of highschoolers approaching (the sky is sunny w the kids side but stormy where the teens are entering frame ykwim!)

the magician - kuroko and kagamis first fist bump, maybe outside a maji burger in street clothes. this is the first step in their journey to becoming numer one and their most valuable resource is each other!

the high priestess - momoi!! her analytical and obersevent eye, drawing patterns and conclusions easily. and i think it might be really cool to show her with some sort of playbook, five players with a skill plot. her ability to intuit like that.... it should be in a seirin/touou match when she predicted how players abilities would grow and evolve.

the empress - i think this would be fun if it were aida riko standing at the head of their tables in a maji burger, stance wide with her hands on her hips, and everyone on the seirin team is listening with rapt attention. because the empress represents traditional femininity, a connection with nature, fertility and stuff, yeah? but i think it'd be more powerful to show how she can rule over her people through well-earned respect, not demanded.

the emperor - duh. akashi seijuro! and this is post split, so you can see his duochrome eyes. i think it would be REALLY cool to either show murasakibara on the ground, after their middle school one on one, but i think that might be too raw! maybe right when he stabbed kagami with the scissors, or when we approaches the miracles at the winter cup, standing on the highest step and all these strong and powerful players and turned with their heads up to watch him enter. but even if like, scale wise akashi wouldnt take up the whole frame, he is so obviously the focal point.

hierophant - so this is INTERESTING. both kagetora and alex have played basketball at a national level and are mentors to these kids who they reach out to when they hit a wall, it might be really cool to show half the card w alex on a streetball court and kagetora running drills in a gym (duality on environment!) but i think it wouldnt be impossible if we were to show kuroko recounting his teiko days, because that context is so important and his stort brings new things to the table, and the whole series is about kuroko developing and honing his style of basketball (light and shadow within the greater complex of team play) is the best kind of basketball! so idk.

the lovers - so i think it would be really really fun to have bokushi/oreshi standing back to back, hands touching, vorpal swords reconnection style. we're never shown a canon romance, and i could insert romance but i dont want to! i think these two parts of akashi being able to reconnect is very selflovecore which. stan.

the chariot - while visually it would be fun to show takao pulling midorima in a rickshaw, i think it would be way sexier to have aomine and kise in their interhigh match, one going into a drive and one going to block. going into conflict!

strength - kagami slowly reaching a hand out to nigou, who is being held by kuroko (sitting on the ground) because like! overcoming fear for the sake of a friend is true strength or w/e and i think thats really sexy. maybe the background is like, on a train? outside a gym? at the park? idk.

the hermit - midorima with balls scattered all around the hoop. he is alone in the gym and he is drilling his threes. self reliance and study babey!!

wheel of fortune - tip off of a basketball game, with the audience filling the bleachers at the top of the frame, and the referee below, whistle in his mouth. two hands reach up and wrap around the ball, and at this point its anyones game!! visually its really sexy bc basketballs are WHAT? round! duality of bias and observation of a game. no matter what someone has done until now doesnt matter, once youre on the court its anyones game.

justice - the referee babey!! specifically during a krisaiki daiichi match with a screen by one of the players to block the fouls theyre delivering onto kiyoshi. the ref is supposed to be an unbiased deliverer of the rules, but just like the sword is tilted, he cannot see through or beyond whats blocking his path.

the hanged man - HUH! so this is about revitalization, renewal and new perspectives, yeah? so i think either kuroko looking at books on misdirection and magic, or maybe him in a game! idk how easily you can represent that in a static frame, but maybe in like the seirin practice match or even teiko, just showing a completely different style of play!

death - this. could be that fixed match btwn teiko and ogiwaras school, showing the 111-11 with kuroko having a breakdown abt it lol! or maybe it might be better to instead show the first time aomine rejected kurokos fistbump, a major change and ending of their relationship as it used to be. or if theres something better for the lovers, the akashis reuniting would be POIGNANT here!!! or maybe even misdirection overflow... huh.

temperence - ohhhh furihata marking akashi! maybe he isnt super skilled but he can slow down the pace of the game, make people think and reevaluate, take caution, and even in the face of a huge power imbalance its still useful!

the devil: either hanamiya or jason silver/nash gold nasty bad player ANTICS

the tower - the generation of miracles all turning their backs on each other and kuroko!! poetic cinema.

the star - this is midorima watching oha asa getting his lucky item of the day. man proposes god disposes babey this card was made for him. as long as he does what hes meant to, fate will take the rest!

now my mind is so big.

the moon and the sun should be matching cards, with kuroko standing w his hand outstretched for a fistbump, dark colors and the moon is illuminating the sky and this might be on a streetball court and the sun is kagami opposite kuroko and if you put the cards together their hands connect because they are the LIGHT AND SHADOW DUO!!! kagami gets a sun and a beauitful sunrise while kuroko gets a sky full of constellations and anyway its sexy

judgement - hyuuga throwing the final free throw during the rakuzen match.

the world - the final shot of the last game movie, with the miracles in their vorpal swords uniform and seirin versing them. or maybe its everyone huddled in kurokos house for his birthday - or maybe everyone is in their vorpal swords uniforms in a huddle! its not about the game its not about fate its about hard work and teamwork.

THANKS MY WHOLE ENTIRE MIND.

July 29, 2018: As the Sun Sets - The Final Golden Hours

I like to think of this trip as parts of the day: sunrise, day, golden hour, and sunset.

The dawn of our trip began in the Middle Kingdom and its territories where the first golden rays of the sunrise peeked through our windows from behind the mountains, greeting us a wonderful morning 🌅

The Land of the Rising Sun then welcomed us to a bright sunny day throughout, where mornings were cloudy and chilly and afternoon skies were clear and endless 🌞

The golden hour reached us in Seoul, where time seemed to have stopped letting us marvel the beauty of our environment and experience. The golden hour is the most beautiful time of the day where the sun showcases its utmost beauty before night falls. The golden hour is my favorite part of the day - and it's better experienced with friends you meet throughout the day. 🌄

As we approach the sunset, there is a sudden realization how quickly the day went. From sunrise to sunset, we were just surrounded by beauty, and even though we all wish the golden hour lasted just a little longer, we were very content on all the experiences we've had and all the memories we've created throughout the day. 🌃

Our golden hour in Seoul is coming to an end, and now we try to make the most of our final sunsets together.

As the sun sets, we thank each other for being part of a beautiful day and wish that we would get to relive everything once again - some other day.

This next four blogs are about our last week in Seoul - full of bittersweet farewells as we all head back to spend the rest of the night where we are most comfortable - our homes.

안녕하세요,

Sunday, July 29, 2018: I was against studying for my oral final for my Korean class when I got back to my dorm from Busan, but I needed to practice so that was all I did until night fell, when the group planned to meet at Chunja.

Valentino notified the group about missing American foods, so the Americans met up in front of Frontier, without Matt who was probably broke sleeping at that time again, and walked to McDonald's while talking about American foods that we missed: greasy pizzas, Costco hotdogs, and authentic McNuggets. Valentino, Cara, Peter, Jordan, and I planned to catch up with our American foods when we get back home - I do love the Korean food in my Anam home, but I really just wanted a simple pepperoni pizza in lieu of kimchi, bulgogi, or potato pizza; though, I finally tried the Bulgogi McBurger, which made me miss the McDonald's in America even more. After our quick trip to America, we walked to Chunja to introduce the newcomer, Peter, to our 20+ soju-bottle Chunja nights.

We got the usual pitcher with syrup (lemon, strawberry, yogurt, melon, etc), mixed it with tonic water and soju and stirred the masterpiece that was going to be emptied within minutes. We took a quick starter shot to start the night in which Peter gasped.

"This is dangerous", the newcomer finally realized why we always end our nights in Chunja with more than 20 bottles - the concoctions were too delicious.

The usual drinkers came and initially took up three tables - Wendelyn, Florence, Valentino, Cara, Jordan, Thai, Joyce, Lina, Salli, Peter, and two of Florence's friends, Huixin and Doona and we ordered Corn Chicken, all of our personal favorite, to start the night.

We played more American drinking games than Korean games this time:

The Rock, Paper, Scissors game - people who don't have a match take a shot

Ah Sa No No - the person starting the game points at two people and the game continues with two people continuing to pick other people and the person who messes the rhythm takes a shot

Game of Death - one of my personal favorites where everybody points at two people at the same time and play the "bang" game. Whoever gets shot at after both their hands were down, takes a shot.

Noonchi (눈치) - a popular Korean game where the people participating stand and count in sequential order. The goal is to stand and shout a number without anybody else doing it with you (or you and the person/s take a shot). The last person to say the final number also takes a shot.

King's Cup, Ride the Bus - typical American games.

On the table next to us, Joyce and the other group were playing their own card games when Joyce lost and screamed. The Koreans across Chunja screamed to mimic her for fun, which led to another group of Korean students next to them screaming. The guys on the other corner of Chunja joined in the fun and screamed, and at some point, the entire Chunja had people screaming which made Joyce and our table laugh with how random and eventful that was.

Drunk Koreans are my favorite. The group of Koreans drinking next to us started talking to us and joining our table - two of them spoke with an American accent saying they're from San Francisco (Jason) and Austin (I didn't catch his name), which I called Jordan over to talk to the guy from Austin, since he's from Austin himself.

Valentino wanted to eat more McDonald's, so he, Florence, and Peter left to get himself and us staying in Chunja some fries to eat with our soju and maekju (맥주). The Chunja night ended with 17 soju bottles (disappointing, I know), though my night did not end since Salli, Peter, and I went to Chicken Bus to eat, you've guessed it, chicken! Salli offered to pay for our company, so I was more than excited to come. Peter was very tipsy (borderline drunk even), but he claimed that he was fine - no he wasn't. He vomited in the small trash bin on our table and slept just to wake up to randomly rap Blackpink's "Ddu-Du Ddu-Du" and dance to Twice's "Heartshaker".

Jordan offered to get the bigger trash bin just by the counter behind us, but he knocked it over and spilled all the trash on the ground - I believed the patrons in Chicken Bus thought we were all drunk.

Monday, July 30, 2018: Meteor Garden was finally on Korean Netflix, so I stayed in to binge watch the episodes. KU ISC also emailed us the Google Doc to sign up for graduation, which I did and was surprised that we even have to since I thought it was a given that everybody would be attending. As fall semester was getting closer, I started planning what my elective classes to take - whether or not to start studying Chinese or continue studying Japanese, in which Andrea from my Korean class commented on the Instagram poll with "你得学中文。中文很有意思/Ni de xue zhongwen. Zhongwen hen youyisi." (You have to study Chinese. Chinese is fun), although more people voted for me to continue studying Japanese.

KU ISC emailed us a reminder of the video shoot that we signed up for last week and promised us free pizza and chicken. I sent the link to the group chat, and Valentino, Matt, Florence, Joyce, Jordan, and Minki-hyung (민기형) signed up fast (for the free food of course).

Before my Korean class started at 4:50 PM, I wanted to eat at the Cup Bibimbap place again, where Matt burned is mouth; this was the moment I realize this was first time I was eating on my own. Usually, I would post on the group that I would go out for a quick bite, and more than five people would come join me - but not today. It was a foreign feeling being alone in Anam.

I arrived to Woodang's Park Jong Koo's Lounge at the first floor to keep practicing for my oral exam, in which we talked about our daily Korean life and end the speech with a question and answer from the class.

Sophie messaged the group chat asking if people have read her farewell letter that was being passed around. Florence messaged me the pictures after saying I still haven't got a hold of Sophie's letter - sigh I miss Sophie. Korean class started and I was the last one to give my (horrendous) speech for the day.

After the class, we met up at the lounge again for the video shoot that Minjae (민재) invited me and Salli to be part of the week prior. The staff was surprised with how many people showed up - I supposed the sign up link wasn't meant to be shared around.

Florence, Joyce, Matt, Jordan, I, and the rest of the group were led to the Business School Main Building to film a lecture class on Neuropsychology where the professor talked about sunglasses that blocked the lights that stops the production of melatonin to fix insomnia and jet lag. Valentino did not end up showing up, but Minki-hyung (민기형) arrived late wearing a baggy shirt, a short, and flip-flops, but was later escorted out saying it was for KUISC students only.

He was upset in the group chat and decided to eat out on his own - Florence, Joyce, Matt, and I were laughing.

We were told to transfer to another lecture for two more lectures before being fed with pizza and chicken. We sat through a quantum mechanics and sociology infused lecture with the first one talking about hard and soft skills as investments to yield a revenue (whatever that meant). The final lecture was on optimization and business analytics. Maite and I were chosen to ask a question in front of the camera, but we both knew nothing about business analytics; so by the time we were asked if we were ready to ask the questions, a guy sitting next to Joyce (who people were saying was a celebrity) asked the professor a question full of business terms that I became lost after the first word.

After the lectures, we went to Dongwon Global Leadership Hall for our food - which was lacking in number since there were more people who came than planned (Thanks to me!). The staff asked us they could order more pizza and chicken if we were willing to wait half an hour more, which we gladly yelled "Yes!".

We received a Domino's pizza box with Park Seojoon's face plastered on it, a box of fried chicken, and a 2L soda. Each box had different toppings and we ended up with potato-topped pizza, so we walked around and grabbed a slice from each table: cheese, pepperoni, etc.

Balzhan, my Kazakh friend from my Korean class, joined us and we had Matt, Florence, and I read common greetings in Russian, for which Balzhan was laughing hard with how bad our accents were.

After the dinner, I went to sleep at 9 PM - the first time since I arrived in South Korea.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018: I woke up at 3 AM and texted the group chat that I couldn't sleep at 4:49 AM. To my surprise, Florence, Matt, and Thai were awake. Both Thai and Florence were studying for finals and Thai was doing laundry but the dryers didn't work from 2 AM to 6 AM, so he planned to stay up until then. Matt, on the other hand, was "reflecting on life".

I didn't get to sleep until 7 AM and woke up at 1 PM. I was planning to crash Florence, Erin, Valentino, Peter, and Cindy's Mass Media class today to see Peter's video project, that he had stayed up all night to work on even across the country in Busan; but the sun was blazing and it took me a while to get out of bed, so I did not end up attending.

I started to crave bibim-naengmyeon by 4 PM, so I ended up trying out the naengmyeon in front of the back entrance of Korea University, called Kamjatang Soondaeguk Naengmyeon (감자탕 순대국 냉면) before heading off to my Korean class to sit through the last nine oral presentations. Before finishing my bibim-naengmyeon, Valentino messages the group chat asking who wanted to eat fried chicken with him since he did not want to go alone, so I obliged and told him to meet me at the back entrance of the campus after his class. I did not want to sit through nine presentations, so I sat down Chicken and Hof with Valentino and told my Korean class group chat that I was napping and to message me when they go on break so I could sneak in.

Valentino ordered fried chicken, fries, and beer and talked about the dreaded weekend when everybody finally separates.

At 5:42 PM, my Korean class went on break and I ran to class and surprised my professor for being present (I skipped my class a lot). After the class, I spontaneously decided to go to SMTown at COEX Mall and Myeongdong to buy NCT 2018's album Empathy and iKON's Return. I could not wait until August 2 to buy iKON's new EP called Continue and wanted to get my hands on Return that day.

While taking Line 2 to Samseong Station, we passed by the Han River before entering Gangnam, which I was greeted by the beautiful Seoul sunset.

Samseong Station was plastered with posters and electronic billboards of idols - from Wanna One and Blackpink to those dedicated solely to Taemin and Kang Daniel. The entire Digital Media City Tunnel had Kang Daniel's face on ever corner.

I went in the SMTown Museum gift shop to purchase NCT 2018's Empathy, my first ever K-Pop album, while being tempted to buy the Taeyong and Ten's "Baby Don't Stop" T-Money for ₩4,000, which was very cheap since Myeongdong sells them for ₩10,000. I expected the SMTown gift shop to increase the prices, but I soon realized that I was wrong since Myeongdong was selling the same NCT 2018 album for ₩5,000 more. I did not end up buying iKON's Return because it was more expensive than Myeongdong's NCT 2018 price, so I settled going home with Empathy only. I roamed around Myeongdong alone for the rest of the humid night, taking a good look at everything before leaving knowing that would be the final time I stepped foot in my favorite area in Seoul.

I went home to study for my Korean finals for the next day - we were going to have a one-on-one oral exam partner with my professor and the written final. I was assigned with Balzhan and were given three scenarios to role play with (restaurant, supermarket, and making appointments). Though, I did not end up studying because I had popcorn and orange-flavored soju on my side and finished them instead.

Thai invited the group chat for some chicken delivery, in which the chat came alive with invites to go to the women's Frontier rooms with Lina or the 24-hour study rooms in the library with Florence and Wendelyn. Minki-hyung (민기형) asked the group if he bought chicken, would everybody gather together and enjoy them with him - Matt woke up to respond "Ya ill come".

In the end, it was late in the night and everybody was studying. My study session got more exciting when my phone lit up with a message from Peter at 1:36 AM:

I did not even understand what was going on, but I got up and changed out of my pajamas and ran downstairs outside Frontier where Darren, Peter, and Angela were sitting by the stairs and Grant was sitting alone across from us.

I hated Peter for getting my thirsty self down from my desk to outside with them within one minute, but we sat and talked until 3 AM about our plans after leaving South Korea. The three of them were going to Hong Kong together before Darren goes back to Los Angeles and Angela to Nebraska. Peter planned to fly back to his home in Beijing first and stay there for three weeks before going back to New York just in time for classes to start. Peter was going to have the room for himself that night since Grant left Frontier and climbed down the stairs into Anam.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018: It was the day of our written and one-on-one oral exams for Korean and I was assigned to Balzhan as partners to do the one-on-one role play together. We met in front of Frontier at 1 PM and headed out to Starbucks just across the intersection. On the way, we bumped into Erin and Minki-hyung (민기형), who was carrying a heavy parcel, which Erin said was forty of SF9's new EP, Sensuous. Erin was trying to win a meet and greet ticket to meet her favorite boy group - and she asked Minki-hyung (민기형) to help her carry the box up the Frontier and CJ International hills.

My Weather app said it felt like 111 degrees that Wednesday and I did no want to cross the intersection to Starbucks, so Balzhan and I settled for the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf just before the intersection where we worked on a script for all three scenarios for our role play.

Our Korean professor gave us three scenarios: ordering at a restaurant, shopping at a market, and making plans and appointments with our friends. She would give us one scenario and we have to act it while using the appropriate grammar rules and vocabulary of the designated units.

After writing and rehearsing, we agreed to eat brunch and I introduced her to the naengmyeon place Matt, Valentino, and I always eat at. Balzhan and I talked for a while, where she introduced me to Q-Pop, or Qazaq Pop, and also told me she wanted to start hanging out with Darren before he leaves back to Los Angeles.

I texted Peter as soon as she said it, and we both agreed to have her come along with us to Hongdae that night.

After eating naengmyeon, we headed to Park Jong Koo Lounge at Woodang Hall just until class starts to practice and study, when our phones buzzed at the same time showing an emergency warning regarding the heat in Seoul.

At Woodang Hall, we met with Teresa, Harley, and Rachel who were all studying and practicing for the Korean exams at the Aricafe in the first floor of the Media Hall, just one stairway across from Woodang Hall. Salli, Peter, Darren, and Angela joined us soon after.

On Instagram, Bonnie posted a story with a picture of NCT's Winwin on her T-Money card asking who he was and why he was on her card - I replied to her in all capital letters that I wanted that card.

Korean finals started on time and it was the oral exam first. Salli and Peter were two classrooms away from us and were partners for their own role play. Balzhan and I were fifth in line and somehow made it out alive after our professor gave us confusing instructions about our supermarket scenario in Korean.

Side note: I forgot what eraser and pencil case were, so that was an interesting part of the exam.

After the oral exam came the written, then we were done with the class. Our professor reminded us that there would be a fun and interesting final class tomorrow just before graduation, which I planned not to attend. The lecture was supposed to be about dialects and slang.

I went back to Frontier, showered, and changed before meeting with Peter, Cindy, Darren, Angela, and Balzhan to head out to Hongdae. We had Darren and Balzhan walk together in front of us throughout the subway ride there. I actually dropped my Rilakkuma T-Money card on the way. Sad, I know. I got that card back in May when I met with Terri and her friend Julie at Hongdae. That T-Money had a lot of stories of my time in Seoul, but I bought a new one - a cute pink shiba.

Upon arriving at Hongdae, we did not know where to eat so we settled with a kimbap restaurant Hahwetown (하회마을), which attracted our attention for having different options in their menu.

It was not a good experience though, the food was below mediocre (Peter ordered ramen and he actually got cup noodles kind of ramen).

When we left the restaurant, we bumped into Florence, Minki-hyung (민기형), Valentino, Lina, Jon, Leonard, Joyce, and Cara before we separated so they could eat food.

Peter, Cindy, and Angela wanted to shop around for clothes and souvenirs, so we stopped by multiple locations, such as Artbox, Playground Store, and Space Morris where I ended up purchasing quite a few clothes. At the Playground Store, I noticed how similar Korean clothes are, besides the whole random English words written at the front and random pictures of Pasadena, San Francisco, Tokyo, and Los Angeles at the back. English words can range from "Alaska Whales", "Paragraph", "Cheese", and "Babylonian", to full on receipt of a pizza order, instructions on how to use a washing machine, or the Wikipedia Table of Contents page on Cuba and its 15 provinces.

Korean clothes seemed to also have random minimalist images or short English words sewn on the left side of the chest.

After shopping, we went back to Hongik University Station and, once again, bumped into the rest of the group (in addition to Pong, who joined the group after touring her parents around Seoul). We all took the subway back to Anam together and headed to Chunja for another drinking night - Salli joined us later in the night.

We played the usual games of A Sa No-No, Fuck You, King's Cup, and Game of Death, with a few new games: Five-Ten and Six Shooter.

Five-Ten - it's a Chinese game of math. The players hold out both hands and can open one hand (5 fingers), both hands (10 fingers), or none (0 fingers). The goal of the game is for the main person to correctly guess the number of fingers open. If they guess it right, everybody drinks.

Six Shooter - My new favorite game. Two people compete, each with six shot glasses in front of them: 3 water and 2 soju. One person turns around while the opponent scrambles the shot glasses so the person does not know which ones are water and which ones are soju and vice versa. Starting from the right shot glass, the goal is to finish all six shots first, loser chugs a whole mug of beer.

Cara and Salli competed against each other, while Valentino made Jon chug a whole mug of beer. I also participated, but I don't remember who I was against (was it Peter? Darren?) - all I remember is that I won.

One of the culture shocks I had in Seoul is how everybody knows the choreography to any K-Pop song playing, especially Blackpink's new song "Ddu-Du Ddu-Du". Every time it plays, the people would always stop what they're doing to dance to the chorus.

"Hit you with that ddu-du ddu-du du", as the song played in Chunja, all five people on the table across from us started dancing, and it was one of the things that made me realize that I would never see these in bars in Los Angeles. It would feel different drinking back home and not seeing people getting up to dance the choreography to the songs - I was an Angeleno already preparing for culture shocks when he goes back home. I was still in Seoul and I was already missing Seoul.

Matt and Jordan came towards the end of the night and we had both of them finish the remaining pitchers. They were both out for the night and met up to join us at Chunja. We all went home together, but Bonnie, Peter, Jon, Lina and I sat in front of Frontier to smoke and talk - Bonnie's friend, Benjamin noticed us while he was going outside for some fresh air and joined us. Angela came back from Global House saying she wasn't drunk anymore and Salli joined with us before Jon, Lina, and Bonnie headed in.

I wanted to eat a doshirak lunch tray at the CU just down Frontier, and Peter, Angela, and Ben joined me. Salli drunkenly walked in and out of CU, which worried Ben.

After my meal, Angela went back up to Global, while Peter and I headed to Frontier. Salli was staying outside since she left her room key in her room and her roommate was not going to be home until later in the morning. It was five in the morning and Benjamin volunteered to accompany her until she gets back to her room.

Peter and I went back to our dorms.

This blog is the first part of the "As the Sun Sets" series, which documents my final week in Seoul. I named this blog the Golden Hour because, as mentioned at the beginning, the golden hour is the time where everybody is still gathered together, taking pictures of the sky, the vibe is fun while everybody enjoys each other's company.

It is not until when night falls that people start heading home and the circle starts diminishing.

The next blog is called "As the Sun Sets: For Graduation Night".

The sun is preparing to set and the day is almost ending, symbolizing how close the end of the program is.

Golden hour is over, and our farewells begin. It will be very bittersweet writing the next few blogs, so until then!

고마워요, Chris 「크리스」

From left to right: Valentino, Cara, Leonard, Pong, Joyce, Peter, Florence, me, Lina, Salli, Jon, Carolina, and Angela.

Flowers

Fandom:Percy Jackson

Ship: Solangelo (Yes, again. I have no shame)

Prompt: “Sometimes I steal flowers from your garden on my way to the cemetery, but today you’ve caught me and have demanded to come with me to make sure the “girl is pretty enough to warrant flower theft” and I’m trying to figure out how to break it to you that we’re on our way to the a graveyard” With Nico staring as the flower thief and Will being the flower holder person.

The first time Nico stole someone else’s flowers, it was completely by accident. Usually, he buys the flowers a day or two ahead, so he can definitely remember to go. But the last two days he’d been awfully busy. His friends Jason, Percy, Leo, and Frank thought it would be a good idea to have a “Guy’s Weekend” over at Jason’s place. And so, wanting to try and be a good friend, he went.

They watched movies, played video games, attempted doing card tricks, and just doing whatever they wanted. Nico had to admit, he did have a pretty good time. But in the back of his mind, he still thought of the flowers.

So, first thing Monday morning, Nico left Jason’s. He intended to go to whatever store was nearest and buy some flowers. Until he realized that he had no idea what stores were nearest to him.

He could recall that Jason’s place was closest to his destination than his own house, as he usually drives or rides his bike. So, he set off, with the intention of picking up whatever flowers he found along the way.

As Nico was nearing his destination, a slight panic came over him. He still didn’t have flowers.

When he has about two or so blocks away, he stated to look around. He saw this house that had a lovely garden in the front. It had flowers of different color and variety.

Part of him knew what he was about to do was wrong, but another part of him just didn't care. He needed the flowers. Plus, he could always stop buy and apologize.

So, without any more doubts, Nico headed towards the strangers garden. He didn't want to take too many, as that would be too noticeable. He decided to jus take one of every flower.

Once he had what he needed, he quickly left the garden, intending to apologize the next time he came around. He was unaware of the eyes that were watching him from behind the window of the house who’s flowers he just stole.

The next time Nico stole flowers, it was, once again, accidental.

He had a lot on his mind. He was going to meet up with his friend Reyna afterwards. He hadn’t seen her in a while, as she had traveled out of the country to visit some family, so he was excited to see her again. He just wanted to get some flowers and drop them off.

Except that he woke up later than usual that day and had just about two hours until he had to meet up with Reyna.

So, Nico quickly threw on some clothes and was out the door onto his bike. He didn’t have any time to go to any store, so he just rode on down the same path he took last time.

He ended up at the same house as before. He knew he shouldn't take any more flowers (he still hadn't apologized for the last flowers he had taken). But he was empty handed. He couldn’t show up empty handed.

So, with the intention of both apologizing and replacing the flowers he took, he didi what he dd last time. He took one of every flower. He was semi-pleased to find that, if you didn’t pay too close attention, you wouldn’t even notice the missing flowers.

Nico left the garden, once again not noticing that he was being watched.

From then on, it just became kind of, instinctual. Anytime he was going to his destination, he always ended up by the same house. Nico never took too much, not wanting it to get noticeable, but he took just enough.

But even though he was taking their flowers, he never actually met and apologized to the owner of the flowers. He had hoped he would get to one day.

After a couple of months of flower stealing, Will decided he wanted to meet this flower stealer. He had nothing against them. Will always planted new flowers after the boy left. He was just, curious. Curious as to where his flowers were going. Curious as to why they had decided to steal his flowers.

So, after a quick calculation, he found when the Flower Boy, as he has started to call him, would come by again. He always came by on the twelfth of every month. So the next time the twelfth came around, Will sat the porch steps, waiting for his Flower Boy.

Nico took his time walking today. He was walking from his house all the way to his destination, which was a good two or so miles. But he didn’t mind. He needed time to think.

The only thing that was bothering him as the cold. It was December now (he had been stealing flowers for about 6 months now, he realized) which meant that it was cold pretty much 24/7.

He wrapped his aviators jacket tighter around himself, then shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. He was nearing the house. Maybe he shouldn’t steal today. Maybe today he’ll just walk by it. Yeah. He’ll just walk by it.

Nico was walking by the house when he heard an unfamiliar voice.

“Hey!”

He turned around. Standing at the gate of the house whose flowers he usually steals was a boy about his age, maybe a year older. He looked to be a bit taller than Nico was, with shaggy blonde hair that reminded him of the sun. He was wearing a beanie on his head, gloves on his hands, jeans and a plain turquoise hoodie.

“Uh, yeah?” Nico looked at the boy quizzically.

“You’re not gonna steal any flowers today?” The boy had a hint of a smirk on his lips.

“What do you- oh.” Nico’s face reddened. He realized who this boy was. This was the owner of the flowers.

Sunny, as Nico had decided to call him, chuckled. “Yeah. So . . .”

“So . . .” Nico ran his hands through his hair. “You’re, uh, probably wondering about the flowers. And who I am.”

Sunny chuckled again. “Yeah, those would be nice to know. How about you show me where my flowers disappear to, and on the way there, you can tell me about yourself?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Nico was about to lead the way when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Wait. Can’t forget about these.” Sunny put a handful of flowers into Nico’s hand. Nico looked at him, confusion on his face. 

Sunny chuckled once again. “Consider these on the house. Besides, I usually plant more.”

This time it was Nico who chuckled, if only a little. He took the flowers from Sunny’s hands. Then he lead the way, with Sunny walking next to him.

“So, what’s your name?” Sunny asked.

“Nico Di Angelo. And you?”

“Will Solace.”

“Nice.” Nico inwardly cringed when he said that. Will, on the other hand, laughed. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

They walking in silence after that. Will was wondering where they headed. Nico was wondering how to break it to Will where they were going.

Finally, they approached the entrance. They stopped walking. Nico turned his body to Will’s, but refused to look at him, his gazed fixed on he flowers. Will looked at the gates, then at the flowers, and then rested on Nico. A look of understanding dawned on his face. 

“Oh, I see. May I ask who?” His eyes watched Nico for any sign that he was getting too nosy. 

“How about I show you instead.” Nico looked back up and lead Will beyond the gates.

A few seconds later, Will and Nico stood in front of a tombstone that held flowers in different stages of life. The tombstone itself read “Biana Di Angelo: Beloved daughter, sister, and friend. 1995-2007.” Nico walked over and placed the new flowers next to some of the older flowers. He stayed there.

Will watched Nico. He figured Bianca must have been Nico’s sister. He also figured that the two must of been really close. He stood there awkwardly for a bit before deciding to kneeling next to Nico.

Nico felt the presence next to him and figured that Will was kneeling next to him. He appreciated that. The two barely even knew each other, yet Nico was showing Will something that was really personal and Will was being respectful about it. 

After a couple more seconds, Nico pushed himself back until he was sitting on the grass. Will did the same. The two sat in a comfortable silence facing the tomb before Will broke the silence.

“So, was she your sister?”

“Yeah. She was the best.”

“Can I ask how?” Will watched Nico.

“Car accident. My mom and her were driving home late at night when a drunk driver drove through a red light.”

“What about your dad?” “He left when I was barley a year old. Bianca was two.” 

“Ahh, I see.”

A comfortable silence settled over the two of them. 

“So,” Will started. “Why weren’t you going to bring flowers today?”

Nico started fiddling with the skull ring on his finger, a gift from his sister. “Today’s the anniversary.” 

“Oh.” Was all Will managed to say. The two sat in silence once again. 

“Do you wanna talk about her? I bet she was a lovely person.”

Nico smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, she was.” 

Nico started to tell Will everything about Bianca. Will happily listened. He was glad he had waited on the porch steps today.

Visions of Summer - Part One - Manila x Jinkx by Scarlet

A/N - My first Manila x Jinkx fic. I don’t reference it in the fic but in my head this is set in the mid 1990’s. Based on the song ‘In This Diary’ by the Ataris (lyrics can be found throughout fic) also influenced by a few other songs. There is also quite a bit of Pearlet in this!

T/W - drugs, alcohol, bad language and my own take on the AAA girls! Told from Jink'x POV.

Here in this diary,

I write you visions of my summer.

It was the best I ever had.

There were choruses and sing-alongs,

And that unspoken feeling of knowing

That right now is all that matters.

I expected the summer of my sixteenth year to be much the same as all the rest. I’d hang out with my friends, smoke weed and go to parties I didn’t very much want to go to; just like always. That summer wasn’t supposed to bring anything out of the ordinary, sure my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible either and I’d gotten used to the way things were. Nothing exciting ever happened in my life, and I was just fine with that. But that summer there was a new kid in town and he threatened to change my world as I knew it. Nothing would ever be the same again after I met him. The summer of my sixteenth year, everything changed. And I’m still trying to pick up all the pieces left behind in his wake.

Part One - 16

All the nights we stayed up talking

And listening to 80’s songs;

Quoting lines from all those movies that we love.

It still brings a smile to my face.

I guess when it comes down to it…

His eyes were covered in sunglasses when they first met mine. It was the summer of my sixteenth year, down at Colman Pool with my friends like every summer on record in Seattle. It’s where everyone hung out and caught some sun or like me and my friends, got blazed. He was sat on the opposite side of the pool, the tanned skin of his chest exposed and glistening with a slight sheen of sweat. He ran his fingers through his hair which was dark with a single streak of blonde and his lip turned up a little at the corner as he looked at me. At least I thought he was looking at me. But I’m not the sort of guy that tends to catch people’s eyes. Comparatively to my friends, I was the plain looking one. Ben had these gorgeous blue eyes that made men go weak at the knees; Jason had this incredibly sexy pout he threw out when he liked the look of someone that would make you immediately picture him sucking your dick and his boyfriend Matt was so in your face gorgeous that I swear half of the population of Seattle swooned for him. But me, I was just plain old boring Jinkx.

Jinkx was a nickname Matt had coined a few years ago and at first I hated it but I’ve sort of gotten used to it now and maybe I’d even go as far to say I like it. I don’t like the reasoning behind it but I like the name. But honestly it is pretty fitting for me, I am the biggest jinx you’ll ever meet. It had all started one day a few summers back at this very pool. We’d been having a surprisingly sunny summer for Seattle and we’d been discussing this when I’d said, ’I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before it rains.' And sure enough within an hour the heavens had opened and it rained pretty much non-stop for the rest of the summer.

The nickname didn’t quite stick yet. Matt had called me a jinx but that just seemed like a one off. But over the next few months it seemed to happen more and more. One day in class Jason and Matt had been moaning about their mountain of homework and how the hell were they meant to fit that around their sex schedule and I leant over and whispered, ’don’t worry Mr Haylock never gives homework.' And sure enough he did. Then there was the school football game Ben had dragged us to because he had a crush on the quarter back. Our school was notorious for never losing a game but for some reason we weren’t playing so well. And I stupidly uttered the words, ’come on, as if we’re going to lose.' But of course we did, bringing our long reining winning streak to an end. After that they’d all started calling me Jinkx. I’m the guy you would never want to hear say, break a leg, because you no doubt would. It was like some sort of magic spell. I always had to choose my words very carefully.

I didn’t realise I’d been staring at the man across the pool until Matt hit me in the arm, startling me.

'Dude.’ He said as I turned to look at him in confusion. 'Here.’ He held the blunt out for me and I had to blink a couple of times to get my brain to work. I shook my head and took the blunt from his hand.

'I don’t think he needs any.’ Jason chuckled pulling Matt back down between his legs on their shared sun lounger and wrapping his arms around his waist protectively. They had to be this way otherwise they would be constantly thwarting off men and women who wanted to sleep with one or both of them.

'Shut up.’ I told Jason with a roll of my eyes and settled back into my own lounger with the blunt dangling between my fingers. My eyes trailed back across the pool only to find an empty sun lounger that had only seconds ago been filled with that boy.

'Who were you looking at?’ Ben asked me from the sun lounger on the other side of me.

'No one.’ I scoffed like the idea of me looking at someone was completely ridiculous, which it sort of was. It wasn’t that I didn’t find guys attractive I just guess I’ve never been quite as sexual as my friends. Ben has a new guy on his hook every week and Jason and Matt are constantly at it like fucking rabbits. They’d pretty much all but decided I was a-sexual. Sometimes I thought I was too. It was a very rare occasion for me to look at someone and think, yeah, them. I wasn’t the kind of guy that got stopped in my tracks when I saw an attractive man. Of course I could appreciate when someone was attractive but not in the way that I wanted to jump their bones. I didn’t get the whole weak at the knees, sweaty palms and racing pulse my friends talked about. But seeing that guy across the pool, that was probably the closest I’d ever come. I don’t think it’s ever been about sex, for me it’s more about feelings, or the lack there of. My mother walked out on me when I was ten and I just shut down. I don’t like to let feelings and emotions rule my life. I won’t let someone get close to me and open myself up to loving them when they could just leave like she did. And to me, I didn’t see the point in random hook ups and one night stands because without feelings isn’t it all just a bit meaningless? So I just don’t bother. I don’t mind being this way, I’m not happy but I’d say I was at least content.

————————————

We spent the rest of the day smoking by the pool until it closed. We piled back in Matt’s car, he was the best at driving stoned and one by one he dropped us off home.

I was second to get dropped off after Ben and I assumed that since we’d passed Jason’s house he was going back to Matt’s. He pulled up at the curb outside my house and turned in the seat.

'I’ll be back around nine.’ He told me. I blinked a few times.

'Why?'

'Jesus how baked are you Jinkx?’ He laughed. 'Robbie’s party?'

How had I forgotten that? I nodded although I didn’t really feel like going, I wasn’t a big drinker but hopefully I’d be allowed to sit in a corner and get stoned.

'Sure, see you then.'

'Later’s Jinkx.’ Jason blew me a kiss in the rear view mirror and I jumped out the back. I’d barely shut the door behind me before Matt peeled away.

The house was dark and my dad was snoring away on the couch when I got in. I sighed and decided better of waking him up so I headed straight for my room. It had been six years but sometimes you’d think my mom had walked out yesterday. My dad didn’t do a whole lot of anything these days. He mostly drank and cried until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. Roll on college when I could leave this all behind me for good.

It was nine thirty by the time Matt finally picked me up. I’d been waiting out on the curb since eight fifty smoking. I pushed myself up and jumped in the backseat. The music was blaring, Matt was smoking a blunt out the window and Jason smoked a cigarette.

'Please let me take you shopping.’ Jason rolled his eyes taking in my outfit, black leggings, a black baggy top, boots and a trilby. I’d lost count of how many times I’d heard him say that to me. And my answer was always the same.

'No fucking way. I love you but your clothes makes my eyes hurt.’

'Because they aren’t all black.’ Matt chuckled as he pulled away.

'Exactly.’ I rolled down the back window and continued dragging on my own blunt.

'This is fashion darling.’ Jason said in an over exaggerated voice.

'The day I let you dress me is the day hell freezes over.'

'You just don’t understand fashion.’ Jason scoffed flicking his cigarette butt to the street.

'Clearly. You look like a fucking Christmas decoration half the time. Or some gawdy tchotchke.'

'I do not!’ Jason gasped.

'He’s just eccentric.’ Matt spoke up on his boyfriends behalf.

'Thank you baby.’ Jason smiled and leant over to kiss Matt’s cheek.

'You’re welcome pumpkin.'

I rolled my eyes. I gave up with these two sometimes.

We picked Ben up and made it to Robbie’s little after ten. Robbie’s parties were a tradition, the first week of summer for the past three years. When we were younger it wasn’t so much booze and weed as it was board games and TV. It had started as just our group of friends but somehow kids at school had started to catch wind of it and it started becoming a little out of control. Robbie didn’t mind, it made him more popular which he so sorely needed and we’d kind of become more popular by association although I’d rather fly under the radar as much as possible.

Matt let us in the house and we were hit by a wave of music, weed and chatter. I trailed behind them as they made their way through the masses of people, some of whom I didn’t even recognise, as they searched for Robbie. We found him in the kitchen, no surprise there, it was where he spent most of his time at his party so he always had a constant supply of booze.

'You made it!’ He beamed at us as we entered the room, as if we wouldn’t be here, this was probably the coolest event of the summer; at least that’s what Jason always said.

'Robbie darling.��� Jason threw himself into our friend’s arms and hugged him tightly.

'Looking fabulous as ever Jay.’ Robbie told him.

Matt gave him a sort of half wave as did I and Ben gave him a hug. I noticed Robbie eyeing up my outfit, he was almost as bad as Jason.

'Good to see you made an effort for my party Jinkx.’ He laughed a little as did Jason. I rolled my eyes, I’d never really liked Robbie that much, he was Jason’s friend really.

'He wore a hat!’ Matt backed me up a little. Like myself Matt wasn’t concerned with fashion but I always seemed to be the one that got called on it and not him.

'Wow really pushing the boat out.’ Robbie laughed again. 'You really should let me and Jay take you shopping.’ He turned his back on us now and went about fixing us some drinks. I clenched my jaw.

'That’ll be a very cold day in hell.’ I muttered under my breath.

'Don’t listen to them.’ Matt came to my side and patted me on the back. 'I love Jason but he is a fashion snob. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he’s tried to play dress up with me.’

I smiled a little in thanks just as Robbie was handing out some kind of alcoholic beverages to Jason and Ben. He handed one to Matt and sceptically went to hand me one but I shook my head.

'I’m good.’ I told him pulling a blunt from my pocket. Robbie rolled his eyes and decided to drink my drink instead.

'You’re not all there Jinkx.’ He laughed to himself. I lit my blunt but I felt some kind of feeling pulsing through my veins and it wasn’t a good one. It always worried me when I started feeling something and once I did it was hard to control it.

'Just because I don’t want to drink, I dress all in black and I don’t want to fuck every man with a pulse that makes me weird?’ I found myself saying. 'I like being androgynous. I like being a-sexual if this is what this is. Maybe that makes me some kind of freak, who knows? I am Jinkx and I am fucking weird and I don’t fucking care what you think of me Robbie.’ I raised my hands in frustration, forgetting the blunt until I heard someone groan in pain and shout profanities. I spun around to see my victim holding his cheek where my blunt had come into contact with his face. He looked at me through his brown eyes and even though they had been covered by sunglasses the last time I’d seen him, I somehow recognised them.

'Oh my god I am so sorry!’ I cradled the blunt in my lips and grabbed his face. Somehow in doing that I managed to trip a little on my own foot and I sent us both crashing down to the floor. He groaned as I landed on top of him. I heard laughter explode from my friends. I pushed myself up off the guy, worried I was blushing and smiled in apology at him.

'I’m so sorry, let me help you.’ I held my hands out for him but he shook his head.

'No offence but I’m a little scared to let you help me.’ He pushed himself up from the floor on his own and I stepped back a little really feeling like I must be blushing now.

'God Jinkx you are such a jinx.’ Robbie laughed. 'Here let me get you some ice for that burn.’ He turned his attention to the man I’d injured. The man looked at me briefly with a half-smile before walking passed me to Robbie. I groaned a little, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot.

'Isn’t that the guy from the pool?’ Ben sidled up to me and whispered. I re lit my blunt which had gone out somewhere in the confusion and shrugged.

'What guy from the pool?’ I tried my best to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about.

'The one you were staring at.’ Ben chuckled.

'I wasn’t staring at anyone.'

'Yeah yeah.’ Ben rolled his eyes. 'Maybe Jinkx isn’t as a-sexual as we thought.’ I heard him tell Jason. I dragged on my blunt trying to ignore the fact my friends were now gossiping about me. My eyes flitted over to the guy who was now holding an ice pack to his cheek while Robbie fawned over him. Admittedly he was just as about the most perfect thing I had ever laid eyes on. His eyes flicked away from Robbie just then and landed on me. I was staring at him. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. His lip turned up at the corner in that same smile he’d given me at the pool. And a strange thing happened. I felt my knees going weak. I felt my palms start to sweat. And I felt my pulse race. That had literally never happened to me before. And I’d just burnt him and knocked him down. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. No one could make me feel like this. Trying to be subtle about it I turned on my heels and tried to sneak out of the room. I tried to creep out of the kitchen but I barely made it to the door before I was caught.

'Jinkx where you going?’ Matt called and I wanted to curse at him but I refrained. I turned back around and tried to not look guilty.

'Just…you know…’ I scratched the back of my head, I wasn’t the best at thinking on my feet. 'I don’t know.’ I confessed.

'Let’s go mingle.’ Jason spoke up, sashaying towards the door. 'This outfit is made to be seen.'

I saw Matt smile to himself as he watched his boyfriend go. Sometimes I thought it might be nice to have someone look at me like that but I didn’t want all the hassle that went along with it. Me, Ben and Matt followed him, leaving Robbie to tend to the poor man I had hurt. As we headed through the party Matt slung his arm around my shoulder.

'That was classic Jinkx.’ He laughed, squeezing me a little. I dragged on the blunt before Matt stole it from my fingers and started dragging on it. 'That poor guy is probably going to regret ever meeting you.'

I scowled a little and wriggled out of Matt’s hold. What I didn’t realise then was that it wasn’t that boy that was going to regret meeting me. It was me that was going to have the regret.

————————————

I spent the rest of the night smoking and desperately trying to avoid the guy I’d injured. I guessed Robbie was doing a good job at keeping him occupied because I didn’t see him again, like at the pool he had seemingly disappeared.

The night culminated in the four of us sharing a room with Jason and Matt calling shot gun on the bed and Ben and I on the floor. Sleep was an impossible feat however when you had Jason and Matt going at it less than a few feet away from you head. They really did have no shame. The bed creaked and the headboard smacked against the wall and I could hear them both panting and moaning. At the point Jason started muttering, ’harder Matt, harder!' I had to leave. I got up and left the room. I headed downstairs where most people were passed out on the floor or the couch or anywhere they had fallen. I slipped through the kitchen towards the back door. I swung the door open and as I did so I heard a pained groan and the sound of the door smacking into something. Or someone. The person stepped out from behind the door, blood spilling from his nose. Our eyes met once again and I swear I felt some kind of jolt right to my heart every time I found those eyes staring back at me.

'Oh my god I am so sorry!’ I panicked. 'Let me grab some tissue.’ I ran back into the kitchen and grabbed some tissues. When I turned around the guy was behind me holding his nose. I handed him the tissue and he held it under the streams of blood.

'I’m starting to think you don’t like me very much.’ His tone was jokey and he had a small smile on his lips.

'I really am so sorry. I am completely useless.’ I stood awkwardly as he stared at me and the tissues soaked up his blood.

'It’s ok, we all have bad days right?'

Every day is my bad day, I said in my head.

'Yeah I guess.’ Is what I actually said out loud. I stood with him until the blood had stopped flowing. I wanted speak to him, to find out about him, even his name; but I couldn’t find my words. Once he was cleaned up, I apologised again and feigned tiredness before heading back to the room. Thankfully Jason and Matt were now asleep. I crawled under the blanket I was using and closed my eyes. I pictured his face staring back at me. I was a little startled by that, that never happened to me. Weak at the knees. Sweaty palms. Pulse racing. Who the hell was this guy and why was he making me question everything I’ve ever known about myself?

————————————

The next few weeks of the summer went much the same; hanging out by the pool during the day and going to various parties by night. I’d had several run ins with the guy who I burnt and gave a busted nose to and they all ended up pretty much the same, with me hurting him in some way. I was starting to think that somehow, subconsciously I was doing it deliberately. It was the first time I’d felt this way towards another person and I was starting to think that my brain was trying to stop me from feeling all those normal human emotions. I kind of appreciated it in a way, but in another way it was starting to get really fucking awkward. We never had so much a 'meet cute’ more like a constant string of 'meet awkwards.'

————————————

July was rolling into August and Jason and Matt had decided to have a beach party that night. We always planned to do this, but the unpredictability of Seattle weather meant it had never actually gotten around to happening.

There was a camp fire. Our friend Brian was playing an acoustic guitar. There was lots of blunts and bottles of alcohol being passed around. Typical teenager type stuff. I sat in the sand with Ben and Matt, Jason was dancing around to the sound of the guitar. Matt handed me his blunt which I gratefully took.

'I hear the Triple A girls and their crowd are meant to be coming.’ Matt told me, his eyes sparkling a little. Despite the fact Matt was very much gay, he was very open about the fact he would fuck any of the Triple A’s and their harem. They were the popular girls in the year above us and they got their name because apparently, and I don’t know how much of this was true, their ring leader Willam’s ex, captain of the football team had told her after the first time they had sex that she was an ’A++' and that somehow led to the Triple A’s. Needless to say they weren’t that bright. I came about as close to hating them as I had ever hated anyone but of course I wasn’t capable of feeling such an emotion. They were all hair, tits and legs and they had about half a brain cell between them. Just as I was about to tell Matt what an idiot I thought he was for crushing on them, I heard the undeniable sound of girlish screeching in the distance and that could only mean one thing: the Triple A’s had arrived. I looked towards the noise and just as I thought I saw them heading across the beach. Willam, Alaska, Courtney, Katya, Roxxxy and Naomi were heading our way giggling and screeching. I dragged really heavily on the blunt, feeling as though I was going to need it. Matt was eyeing them up, one of them in particular that took his fancy more than the rest. Matt has always had a particularly keen eye for Naomi, the tall and leggy caramel skinned beauty. I’m not sure if she realised Matt was gay or not but she always clung to him, laughed at all his dumb jokes and pouted her lips in his direction. I was sure they must have fucked but I never asked because I really didn’t want to know. Matt jumped up just then and waved in the Triple A’s direction. They all waved back, he was the only one of our friends who got that treatment from them. I prayed to be invisible in high school but unfortunately I wasn’t. I was a wrung or two higher than the invisibles, one wrung higher than the nerds. We were dorks. We were weird, we dressed differently and didn’t play sports but we smoked weed which gave us a little street cred. Not a lot, but enough. Matt was kind of technically on a higher wrung I suppose. He didn’t play sports but he took an interest and the jocks liked him. And the popular girls liked him because he was hot. Naomi was heading in his direction and he pulled her into a tight hug and I watched him grasp her ass as he did so which just made her giggle. I rolled my eyes and took another heavy drag on the blunt.

'Hey, we’re meant to be sharing that!’ Ben grabbed it out of my hand. I’d almost forgotten he was there. Jason finished dancing and fell to the sand next to me lighting a cigarette.

'Urgh, who invited slutty Smalls?’ He grumbled watching Matt flirt with the beauty.

'The Triple A’s don’t need invites.’ Ben told him.

'Bitch better not think she can get her claws into my man.’ He snarled.

'I think bitch has already had her claws in your man.’ I lit another blunt as Jason turned to me with a scowl.

'Matt would never. She’s a stone cold ho.’

'And Matt isn’t?’ Ben spoke before I had a chance to say the exact same thing.

'Fuck you!’ Jason sucked on his cigarette. 'Matt has a high sex drive yes, but my ass is the only place he puts it.’ Jason spoke defensively. Maybe a little too defensively.

'If you say so.’ I mumbled turning my attention back to my blunt. The other Triple A girls were mingling, flirting their way into free drinks and free blunts like always. Brian had stopped playing his guitar now as he was far too distracted by Katya, the Russian exchange bimbo, who was running her fingers up and down Brian’s arm while she pretended to laugh at something he said and as expected he was soon handing her a blunt. These girls made me sick. Willam and Alaska were playing poor Danny like a fiddle while he shared his bottle of vodka with them and Courtney and Roxxxy were draped over some football players.

'Urgh I can’t stand her.’ Jason pushed himself back up and he sauntered over to Matt and Naomi. I stood up too and brushed the sand from the back of my leggings.

'Hey babe.’ Jason slung his arm around Matt’s shoulders. 'Would you be a dear and go and grab my phone from the car?'

'Can’t you get it?’ Matt asked him and Jason scowled.

'Please baby.' He emphasised the last word.

'See you later Naomi.’ He told the girl to which she pouted.

'Not if I see you first.’ She winked at him and I could practically see steam coming out of Jason’s ears. Naomi sashayed away, it didn’t take her long to find another guy to pounce on. Matt watched her go.

'Matt. Phone. Now.’ Jason tugged his arm sharply.

'Oh right yeah sorry babe.’ He kissed Jason’s cheek and went to head back up the sandback to his car.

'Leave the vodka!’ Jason called after him. Matt turned and tossed the bottle in his direction. Only it flew higher and further than any of us had been expecting, right over Jason’s head.

'Jinkx, heads up!’ Jason yelled. I panicked a little but held my arms up to try and catch it. I started running backwards as it was continuing its path through the sky. I jumped in an attempt to catch it and as I did so I heard an all too familiar groan in pain as I ran into someone and I fell, landing on top of them, my back to his chest. I didn’t need to look to know who it was. I rolled off of him onto the sand and sat up and sure enough there were those same brown eyes I kept finding myself looking into after I’d once again managed to injure him in some way. We both stood up, brushing the sand off ourselves. I could hear my friends cackling with laughter behind me and I even heard Matt chuckle the words, ’classic Jinkx.’

'I really don’t know how this keeps happening. I’m sorry. I feel like that’s all I ever say to you.’ I felt myself blushing as he stared at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking.

'Try saying something else then.’ His lip turned up at the corner in that way it always seemed to when he looked at me. I didn’t get it.

'Uhm like what?’

'Well you could start by asking my name seeing as all the other times you’ve bumped into me, usually quite literally, you’ve never bothered to ask.'

'Oh ok…what’s your name?’ I scratched the back of my head feeling awkward.

'Karl.’ He smiled.

'Ok cool.'

'And you are?’ He laughed a little and it was such a nice breezy sound. To say I am bad at talking to people would be an understatement.

'Oh right yeah. I’m Jerick but everyone calls me Jinkx.’

'I can see why.'

'Yeah.’ I chewed my bottom lip nervously. Karl scrutinised my face for a while and it only made me more nervous.

'So, want to have a walk?’ He asked me after a little while. My throat felt as though it constricted when he asked me that and I don’t know why. Then I felt my knees go a little weak. I felt my palms begin to sweat and my pulse race and I realised why. I knew going for a walk with him wouldn’t be a good idea.

'A walk? Why?’ I heard the panic in my voice and judging by the smile on Karl’s lips he heard it too.

'So we can talk? You know, get to know each other?’

'Uhm…there’s not much to know. I’m pretty boring.'

'Oh come on.’ Karl laughed a little and bent down to pick up Matt’s bottle of vodka that I’d forgotten all about. 'All the times I have bumped into you we’ve never really talked and it’s been anything but boring.’ He unscrewed the cap and took a swig before handing to me but I shook my head.

'No I’m good thanks. I prefer not to mix my substances.’ I pulled another blunt from my pocket and lit it.

'Great, you can share then!’ Karl smiled brightly and then he motioned for me to follow him when he started walking. I looked over my shoulder to where Matt, Jason and Ben were all doing a really poor job at pretending to be subtle as they’d clearly been watching us. Matt gave me two thumbs up and Ben winked at me. Jason used his hands to shoo me in Karl’s direction. I rolled my eyes, I wish they could have been decent friends, the kind that helped you when you were in a situation you weren’t comfortable in. I sighed and started following after Karl. He turned to look at me as I caught up with him and he smiled before reaching for the blunt. His hand briefly brushed against mine and I wish I didn’t feel my heart skip a beat when it did so. He dangled the bottle of vodka between in his other hand while he gracefully dragged on the blunt. I watched his lips wrap around the end of it and I watched the angles of his face and how they moved ever so slightly as he inhaled. I watched his lips part a little as he exhaled the smoke and it seemed to almost dance up into the still night air.

'You uhm…you’re new around here right?’ I asked tentatively. He had to be new in town, everyone knew everyone around here and until a few weeks ago I’d never seen him before. He nodded and took another drag but he didn’t look at me.

'Yeah I moved here a few months ago from Minnesota. Not Asia like everyone keeps asking me.’ He chuckled lightly. 'In case you couldn’t tell by the accent I am a born and bred American.'

'Right. Cool.’ I felt a little useless without my blunt so I decided to just let Karl keep that one and pulled another one from my pre rolled stash and lit it. 'So I guess you’ll be going to our school next semester?'

'I already started at your school.’ He turned to look at me finally and the corner of his lip turned up again. It was almost a smile; almost. Not quite.

'Really? Are you sure? I think I would have noticed you there.’ No, I definitely would have noticed him.

'I’ve been going there a few months. We have Mr Haylock’s class together.'

How could that be? The first time I’d noticed him was at the pool a few weeks ago and then I’d noticed him pretty much every day since. Surely I would have noticed him at school? If I was feeling what I thought I was feeling, how could I not have noticed him? Maybe I’d been jumping conclusions, maybe all these weird things that were happening to me weren’t what I thought. Maybe I’m just coming down with something.

'I didn’t notice you.’ I croaked a little. If I was getting ill that would certainly explain a lot.

'It’s ok.’ Karl smiled and took another drag on the blunt. We got a little way up the beach away from the party and he fell down into the sand. I assumed I was supposed to sit too so I did, making sure to keep a safe distance from him.

'So uhm…are your parents from Asia?’ I asked him for lack of anything else to say and I hated awkward silences.

'My mom’s from the Philippines.’ He finished the blunt and went back to the vodka. 'What about you?'

'Oh no my mom isn’t from the Philippines.’ I said stupidly and it made Karl laugh.

'Durh.’ He chuckled. 'I just meant like have you always lived in Seattle?’

'Oh right.’ God I was an idiot sometimes. 'Yeah I’ve been here my whole life. To be honest, I can’t wait to get out.'

'How comes?’ He turned to me and watched as I smoked. I felt a little uncomfortable when he watched me like that but also I never wanted him to look away.

'Who wants to live in their hometown forever?’ I shrugged. 'I don’t know I guess I’ve just never felt like I belong in Seattle.'

'No?’ Karl raised an eyebrow at me. 'Why?’

No one had ever asked me that before. I don’t think I’d ever told anyone what I’d told him before though so maybe that’s why. That question had a hundred different answers, I wasn’t sure where to begin.

'I just…I love my friends, don’t get me wrong but sometimes I just don’t feel like they get me. They make me feel weird because I’m not like them. I guess I just hope that somewhere out there, away from Seattle, there’s going to be people that get me.’ I’d never said as much out loud before. My hand was shaking a little as I brought it to my mouth so I could drag on my blunt.

'I heard them teasing you at Robbie’s party.'

'They do that a lot. Not in a mean way, they just don’t get the way I am.'

'The way you are?’ Karl narrowed his eyes on my and it felt like my throat was constricting from that look. I swallowed hard and bit my lip.

'I guess I’m just a very confused individual. They think I’m a-sexual and maybe I am. I mean I can appreciate when someone is attractive you know? I only ever notice guys in that way, and I can easily say, yeah he’s attractive. But it’s never been like a sexual thing you know? I don’t get the kinda 'urges’ my friends get. I’ve never looked at someone and thought, I want him to fuck my brains out. I just don’t seem to get those kinds of feelings. I’ve tried watching porn but that does nothing for me. Sometimes I think I might be broken.’ I couldn’t believe I’d just confessed all that. I’d never even said as much to my friends and I had just met this guy. He had such kind eyes though, the kind that just made all your walls fall down and make you want to confess all your deepest darkest secrets. His lips curled up at the side again and cautiously he shuffled a little closer to me before he put his hand gently on my arm.

'I get it.’ He whispered. 'Everyone’s built differently Jinkx. Just because you aren’t like your friends it doesn’t make you weird. You’re just you. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Whether you want to have sex with every person who moves, male or female, or you don’t want to have sex with anyone; it doesn’t make you weird. It makes you different, but there’s nothing wrong with being different. Who wants to be like everyone else? And I’ve seen your friends around school and no offence but I wouldn’t want to be like them.’ He chuckled a little and it made me chuckle too.

'No one’s ever gotten me before.’ I exhaled before taking a final drag on the blunt.

'Maybe you don’t give them a chance to.’ Karl shrugged and sipped more of the vodka.

'What is this, a therapy session?’ I rolled my eyes but it made Karl laugh.

'That’s exactly what I mean. You were open one minute and then you just slam shut.’

'You don’t know me.’ I pulled another blunt from my pocket feeling Karl putting a downer on my buzz.

'I know your type.’ He looked away from me now out across the sea that was gently lapping at the shore.

'What the hell does that mean?’

'Don’t get so defensive.’ He laughed again.

'I think I have every right to be defensive.’ I stood up now. 'You don’t know me, so don’t pretend you do.’ I turned to leave, annoyed at this guy.

'Where are you going?’ He called after me.

'To see my friends.'

'The ones that don’t get you?’ He jogged after me and caught up with me pretty quickly. I refused to look at him.

'They might not get me but they don’t try to fucking psycho analysis me. Maybe I like people not getting me.’

'Bullshit.’ Karl laughed. 'You’re dying to find someone to open up to, you’re just scared about what might happen if you do.'

'Fuck you.’ I quickened my pace. 'Save all the bullshit for someone who gives a fuck.’ I was getting closer to my friends but Karl was still following me.

'I was only trying to help.'

'Well don’t. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help.’ I quickened my pace even more and finally I made it back to where Jason and Ben were sat on the beach. Karl was still behind me, following me like a bad smell.

'Oh there’s the vodka thief.’ Jason jumped up and snatched the bottle from Karl.

'Where’s Matt?’ I asked trying to ignore the fact Karl was even still here. I saw Jason clench his jaw and then he downed a generous amount of the vodka.

'Don’t ask.’ Ben told me but he subtly nodded his head and I looked over to where he’d nodded. Matt was a little further down the beach, no prizes for guessing which leggy Triple A he was with. She was touching his arm and she threw her head back as she laughed. Matt wasn’t funny.

'That’s it.’ Jason threw the bottle on the floor and stood up. 'That fucking ho needs to be put in her place.'

Before any of us could stop him he’d started storming over towards them. I looked at Ben and he shrugged, standing up before starting to lead us closer.

'Have you two fucked?’ Was Jason’s opening words as he pulled Matt out of Naomi’s reach. Naomi raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at Jason.

'I don’t think that’s any of your business.’ She folded her arms over her chest.

'It fucking well is my business. Matt, please tell me you haven’t fucked this ho!’

'Of course I haven’t!’ Matt defended himself.

'Who the hell are you calling a ho?’ Naomi shoved Jason’s shoulder. 'And who the fuck even are you?’

'Who am I?’ He raised his voice. 'I’m Matt’s boyfriend!'

Ben and I hung back a little and watched this unfold. We probably could have got involved and tried to calm the situation but we didn’t.

'Boyfriend?’ Naomi scoffed, unfolding her arms and flipping her long, poker straight black hair over her shoulder. 'Matt’s not gay.'

'Oh sweetie you are dumber than you look.’ Jason laughed.

'You would have told me if you were gay, right Matt?’ Naomi turned her attention away from Jason. Ben and I just carried on watching.

'Tell you?’ Jason scoffed. 'You only need to spend two minutes with him to realise!’

'Jason, this isn’t the time or place.’ Matt tried to calm him.

'What the fuck? It’s not the time or place to tell a girl that’s flirting with you that you’re gay?’ Jason folded his arms now.

'Jay just leave it yeah?’ Matt gave him a look I’d seen him give Jason a handful of times before. Jason had a tendency to be feisty and that was the look Matt always gave him when he was getting out of hand.

'I will not! I’m not going to just stand by while this slut tries to get into my boyfriend’s pants!'

'Excuse me?’ Naomi raised her voice. 'Who are you calling a slut?'

I looked at Ben who was biting his lip and had a look on his face that said this was bad. Now I don’t like the Triple A’s and I certainly have no desire to be popular. But even I wouldn’t say something like that to their faces, that was basically social suicide.

'Oh wow you really are dumb.’ Jason rolled his eyes. 'You. I’m calling you a slut.’

'Jason, come on this isn’t cool.’ Matt grabbed his arm and tried to steer him away from Naomi.

'Get off me.’ Jason shook him off.

'Jason leave her alone.’ Matt told him more sternly this time.

'Are you seriously taking her side? You’re going to back up this whore instead of you own boyfriend?'

'I am not a whore!’ Naomi raised her voice now and then she slapped Jason around the side of the face and the sound echoed down the beach. I felt as though I was holding my breath. I couldn’t move. I was frozen to the spot.

'What the hell is going on over here?'

I hadn’t noticed they’d drawn more attention until I heard Willam’s voice and I suddenly saw him and Alaska heading over.

'This little bitch is getting all up in my face!’ Naomi told her friends. 'I was just having a nice conversation with Matt-’

'You were trying to work your way into his pants you slut!’ Jason cut her off. Willam and Alaska stood either side of Naomi like body guards.

'Are you calling my friend a slut?’ Alaska asked folding her arms.

'Jason, just apologise and this can be over.’ Matt told him.

'No! I am not apologising! She’s the one that should apologise!’

'I’ve done nothing wrong.’ Naomi spoke innocently.

'Apologise to her now.’ Willam told Jason, also folding her arms.

'Absolutely no fucking way. Not gonna happen.’ Jason shook his head in defiance.

'Oh yeah?’ Willam raised an eyebrow and turned to look over her shoulder towards a group of football players. I didn’t like where this was going.

'Hey guys can I have a bit of help-’

'Hey gurl, I have to say you’re outfit is absolutely to die for!'

All of a sudden Karl stepped forward towards Willam. I’d completely forgotten he was there to be honest. Willam turned her attention to Karl and looked him up and down for a second. We all stood with baited breath waiting for what was going to happen.

'You have excellent taste.’ She smiled at Karl and I breathed a sigh of relief.

'And you miss thing!’ Karl turned to Alaska. 'Where did you get those nails done?’

I saw Matt grab Jason by the arm and steer him away from the girls while they were distracted. They came over to me and Ben.

'We should get out of here.’ Matt told us all. Ben and I nodded in agreement.

'This is our party!’ Jason huffed.

'Yeah well, you’ve caused enough for trouble for tonight.’ Matt pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and unsheathed one before lighting it.

'Where are we going to go? It’s still early?’ Ben asked looking between us.

'My parents are out, we can chill in the cave.’ Matt grabbed Jason’s arm again and started leading him towards the car. Ben followed but I found myself stood still, watching Karl as he befriended half of the Triple A girls.

'Are you coming Jinkx?’ Ben asked me and I snapped out of my trance and looked at him.

'Huh? Oh yeah, I’ll be right up.’ I told him. I waited for Ben to leave before I slowly approached Karl. I’m not sure what had come over me, but seeing him basically save Jason’s ass had made me see him in a different light. He was laughing along with the girls and he smiled at me as I approached.

'Oh hey.’ He patted my back. 'Do you girls know Jinkx? He’s a great guy.’

'Hi Jinkx.’ Naomi smiled at me.

'Nice to meet you.’ Alaska told me. Willam just smiled at me, but it was the most interaction I’d probably ever had with them. I was a little offended that they clearly had no idea we’d been going to the same school for years but I wouldn’t say anything.

'So we’re going back to Matt’s. Do you maybe want to come with us?’ I asked Karl shyly, biting my lip. Not so long ago I wanted nothing more than to see the back of him and now I apparently wanted to keep him around. I didn’t understand it myself.

'Yeah sure.’ His lip turned up at the corner again as he said this. He said goodbye to the girls and we headed up the beach to Matt’s car where we slid in the back.

'You don’t mind if Karl comes do you?’ I asked Matt once we were in the car.

'Dude you saved my boyfriend’s argumentative ass tonight. You are more than welcome to come.’ Matt chuckled. As we drove off I found myself looking at the side of Karl’s face. And there it was again. Weak at the knees. Sweaty palms. Pulse racing. Shit.

————————————

The cave was what we called Matt’s basement. Matt had decked out with a stereo system and bean bag chairs and it’s where the four of us spent a lot of time getting high and drinking. Karl was the first outsider to ever be invited to the cave.

Music was blaring and a blunt was being passed around. I took it from Matt and the second he’d handed it over he sat in Jason’s lap straddling him and they began making out messily and desperately. I just hoped they’d make it upstairs if things got too heated. Ben was engrossed in his phone, probably scrolling through his contacts to find a last minute hook up. Karl was sat on the bean bag next to me. He hadn’t said much since we’d left the beach but then again neither had I. I took a few drags on the blunt before I handed it to him. He gave me that curled up lip smile as he took it.

'Are they always like this?’ He asked me, nodding in his head in Jason and Matt’s direction. I looked over to see Matt’s hand working at getting in Jason’s pants. I rolled my eyes.

'Guys, do you have to do that here?’ I spoke loudly so they’d actually hear me. Matt sat back with a start and looked at me in confusion.

'Oh shit.’ He panted a little, clearly he’d forgotten we were here. 'Jay, upstairs.’ He stood up and pulled Jason up by the collar of his shirt. Their lips met again as they stumbled towards the door.

'I should go too.’ Ben got up from his bean bag chair. 'Booty calls.’ He winked at me and said goodbye to Karl. And then just like that, Karl and I were alone. Awkward. Or was it? It probably was no less awkward than when the others had been here. I looked over at him as he dragged on the blunt. He looked back at me and smiled a little. Yeah it was more awkward.

'So uhm…maybe we should go too?’ I scratched the back of my head with a shrug.

'Yeah I guess we can do.’ Karl shrugged too.  'Or we could stay and smoke more, hang out?’ He sounded slightly tentative as he asked me as this as if he already knew I would say no. But I didn’t want to say no. I actually did really want to stay. That was a little weird to me but there was something about the way he was looking at me that made me want to stay.

'I guess I can stay for a bit. I have to change this music though. Matt’s musical tastes assault my ears.’ I pushed myself up from the bean bag and went over to the pile of CD’s in the corner that I’d lent Matt that I knew he’d never listened to. I found the one I was looking for and exchanged it for the horrible trance one that was in there. When I turned back around Karl was laying in the middle of the floor on his back.

'Blunt?’ He asked me and I just nodded and pulled one from my pocket before lighting it. The music started flooding the room as I stood there awkwardly not sure what to do with myself. 'Join me.’ Karl motioned to me. I bit my lip but found myself nodding. I laid down on my back next to him and took another drag before handing the blunt to him. He started humming to the music.

'Janes Addiction.’ He sighed a little. 'This is one of my favourite albums.’

'Seriously?’ I rolled my head to the side so I could look at him. 'Mine too. As a rule I pretty much only listen to music from the 80’s.'

He looked at me too with that curled up lip smile and dragged on the blunt.

'Jinkxy, I think this the beginning of a beautiful friendship.’

'Did you just quote Casablanca at me?’ I chuckled a little. Karl scrutinised me as if to try and figure out what the right answer was to that question. He dragged on the blunt again to buy himself time before handing it back to me.

'Guilty.’ He shrugged. 'Is that really dorky?'

'About as dorky as me knowing what it was from.’ I smiled a little at him.

'You like that movie?’ He asked me and I swore I felt him shuffle closer.

'It’s one of my favourites.’ I admitted.

'Looks like we have more in common than I thought.’ Karl rolled his head back to look at the ceiling.

'My friends don’t get my taste in music or movies.’ I whispered.

'Well,’ Karl paused and for a moment I didn’t think he was going to say anymore. 'Now you have one friend who does.'

I smiled to myself as I looked away from him. There was a strange kind of anticipation in the air. Heavy breathing. Staring at the ceiling. What happens next? I’m not sure I want to know. I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest although I’m not sure why. I let the blunt dangle loosely between my fingers. I wanted something to happen. I wanted Karl to lean over and kiss me. I’d never wanted someone to do that before. We laid in silence for a long time and what did happen next was an unexpected gesture, but one I really liked. I felt Karl’s fingers brush the top of my hand and then he gently turned it over and linked his fingers in mine. He held my hand tightly and I held his back as we continued staring at the ceiling. In that moment I was feeling all kinds of things I’d never felt before but I found I weirdly liked it. The strange air of anticipation was exciting. What will happen next? I kind of wanted to stick around to find out.

Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up,

These are the best days of our lives.

The only thing that matters

Is just following your heart

And eventually you’ll finally get it right.

     ♣ A DAUGHTER'S LAMENT ♣ // a victoria fawley mix

                                                                      [ listen / download ] 

01. MAMA WHO BORE ME de LEA MICHELE [ mamma who bore me, mamma who gave me no way to handle things who made me so sad. mamma, the weeping. mamma, the angels. no sleep in heaven or bethlehem. ]

02. SHOT AT THE NIGHT de THE KILLERS [ once in a lifetime, the suffering of fools to find our way home, to break in these bones. once in a lifetime, we're breaking all the rules to find that our home has long been out grown. draw me a life line, 'cause honey i got nothing to lose. look at my reflection in the mirror, underneath the power of the light. give me a shot at the night, i feel like i'm losing the fight. ]

03. ALL WE DO de OH WONDER [ all we do is hide away. all we do is chase the day. all we do is lie and wait. all we do is feel the fade. i've been upside down, i don't wanna be the right way round, can't find paradise on the ground. all we do is play it safe. all we do is live inside a cage. ]

04. UNDER THE WATER de THE PRETTY RECKLESS [ there's not a time, for being younger. and all my friends, are enemies. and if i cried unto my mother, no she wasn't there, she wasn't there for me . don't let the water drag you down. broken lines, across my mirror, show my face, all red and bruised. and though i screamed and i screamed, well, no one came running. no i wasn't saved, i wasn't safe from you. don't let me drown, don't let me drown in the waves. lay my head, under the water. aloud i pray, for calmer seas. and when i wake from this dream, with chains all around me, no, i've never been, i've never been free. ]

05. BLUE MOON de BECK [ i'm so tired of being alone, these penitent walls are all i've known. songbird calling across the water, inside my silent asylum. oh don't leave me on my own, left me standing all alone. cut me down to size so i can fit inside, lies that will divide us both in time. ]

06. COUGH SYRUP de YOUNG THE GIANT [ if i could find a way to see this straight, i'd run away to some fortune that i should have found by now. i'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down. life's too short to even care at all. i'm coming up now, coming up now out of the blue. these zombies in the park they're looking for my heart. a dark world aches for a splash of the sun. i'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control. so i run now to the things they said could restore me, restore life the way it should be, i'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down. one more spoon of cough syrup now. ]

07. LOURETTA de AGNES OBEL [ instrumental. ]

08. DAYLIGHT de ALISON KRAUSS & UNION STATION [ daylight falls and i'm lost in the big parade. hold my hand, darling, i'm afraid of the daylight. shade is dark, cool and languid for life or love. safe in shadows; never stark as the daylight. when i was just knee high, my momma told me, never try to be someone that i am not. yet over time i had forgot the wandering child, so lost at play: he's found himself but he can't find his way in the daylight. in my mind there's a corner i need to turn. lessons lived is a lesson learned in the daylight. i miss the forest shade, you took me there, the promise i made to never leave the dark so deep. ]

09. SOMEDAY SOON de KT TUNSTALL [ i think it's time to put myself away, seek out a little silence. close the doors and sit a while, walk a little. i'll turn myself into the grass and i'll grow. take this space above my head and live a little. even though i know my way around, possibly there's something new i found. holding on for finding solid ground. someday soon. ]

10. SLEEPWALKING de RADICAL FACE [ i fell asleep in the chair by the fireplace and i woke up in the kitchen sink with an umbrella full of holes overtop my head. and i fell asleep on the table with your picture in hand, and i woke up in the cupboard with some scrapes on my arms and a mouthful of hell. chains are rattling in the attic again and the birds are building nests in the windowsill. dust has settled over everything and the ceiling fan still cuts a lazy circle. i got a picture on the mantle piece of the way that i thought that we'd end up, but this shares no resemblance to that, yeah, that shares no resemblance to that at all. i tore the dreams from my head and tossed them in the flames, and the smoke smelled like my past. and it stung my eyes, but i was too stubborn to blink and i slept inside the piano 'till the rain was gone. we're all still a part of everything that we were and we'll all float along with everything. and in turn, we'll all fall apart with everything but we'll learn just what things are like outside our heads. ]

11. CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF de FABRIZIO PATERLINI [ instrumental. ]

12. DARK DAYS de PUNCH BROTHERS [ mother, listen to my heart. just as one beat ends, another starts. you can hear no matter where you are. sister, hide our love away from the evil we both know. it can see you through these dark days, though they seem to darken as i go. our love will see us through these dark, dark days, sister. 'til it lights the way back home. ]

13. STATE OF GRACE de THE KAYS [ i'm not getting better, i can't feel a change, i don't feel different. will i stay the same? i had hope for healing, i was told that it would come. if it's me resisting then i need to be undone. pain has taken over my bones, hurt from within every thought is heavy. i can't get out of this bed, please don't pity me now, i'm too insecure to fake a pretty face. just do something different. i'm too small to face the day, i need a state of grace. ]

14. FEELING OF BEING de LUCY SCHWARTZ [ and i bet you if you cried, you’d understand me better. so i take a little time just sailing down the river and i’m throwing out my line to see if i can catch the feeling of being how still the night. feeling of being one little light. ]

15. I REMEMBER HER de INGRID MICHAELSON [ there’s a house, that’s not on a hill. and the paint’s chipping off of the old window sill. there’s a tree in the front yard that’s older than me and older than all of you. there’s a smell that the heat makes, it reminds me of christmas and birthdays in december. i remember her, i remember her so well. but things they fade. she would kiss my hand, she would kiss my head, then she’d fall asleep with me in my tiny bed. she would sing me lullabies, gave me my hazel eyes and then she’d call me beautiful. but things they fade, things turn to grey as much as i try to save them. they turn grey, just like the house, that’s not on a hill with all of the rust on the gate, the chips on the sill, but i love it still. ]

16. NEW MOON (THE MEADOW) de ALEXANDRE DESPLAT [ instrumental. ]

17. YOU MAKE IT WORSE de STACY CLARK [ leaves fall, cold wind blows. she looks staring out the window. i can't smile between when you talk about me. everything in this world looks upside down when staring out the window. i didn't ask for this, sometimes i wish i wished for something better. you didn't ask for this, sometimes you wish you wished for sunny weather. you make it worse, oh, you make it worse, just so you know. ]

18. ECHO de JASON WALKER [ hello, hello, anybody out there? 'cause i don't hear a sound. alone, alone, i don't really know where the world is but i miss it now. i'm out on the edge and i'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs. sometimes when i close my eyes i pretend i'm alright, but it's never enough. 'cause my echo, echo, is the only voice coming back. shadow, shadow is the only friend that i have. ]

19. SAVING MY FACE de KT TUNSTALL [ feel like a big old stone, standing by a strength of my own. but every time the morning breaks, i know i'm closer to falling. i'm all out of love, all out of faith, i would give everything just for a taste. everything's here, all out of place, losing my memory, saving my face. listening to what you say even though i look the other way. you could never understand the feeling of what i'm leaving. leave it all to me, i will do the right thin.  baby, i'll be everything i need. ]

20. LONG, LONG TIME AGO de JAVIER NAVARRETE [ instrumental. ]

21. SLEEPING SICKNESS de CITY AND COLOUR [ i awoke only to find my lungs empty. and through the night, so it seems i'm not breathing. and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be and i'm breaking down, i think i'm breaking down. and i'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me. such as living with the uncertainty that i'll never find the words to say, which would completely explain, just how i'm breaking down. maybe i'll sleep when i am dead, but now it's like the night is taking sides. with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind, could it be this misery will suffice? and like the sea i'm constantly changing from calm to ill. madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole. ]

22. RUNAWAY de AURORA [ and i was running far away. would i run off the world someday? nobody knows, nobody knows. and i was dancing in the rain, i felt alive and i can't complain. but now take me home, take me home where i belong. i can't take it anymore. i was painting a picture, the picture was a painting of you. and for a moment i thought you were here, but then again, it wasn't true. i've been putting sorrow on the farest place on my shelf.but i kept running for a soft place to fall. ]

23. AMSTERDAM de COLDPLAY [ come here, oh my star is fading, and i swerve out of control. and i swear, i waited and waited, i've got to get out of this hole. come on, oh my star is fading, and i see no chance of release. and i know i'm dead on the surface but i am screaming underneath. stuck on the end of this ball and chain and i'm on my way back down again. stood on the edge, tied to the noose, sick to the stomach. ]

24. FOREST FIRES de LAUREN AQUILINA [ and whilst i watch in silence, you're starting forest fires, you start them just to feel the heat. and whilst i keep my quiet, you're running with the tigers, you're running just to run from me. the people on this train already made up their minds about me. i can already feel their hate. the stranger, his sorrow, must be fault of my own.and i don't blame you, who would wanna be around me? ]

25. ARRIVALS N1 de DUSTIN O’HALLORAN [ instrumental. ]

26. DEATH WITH DIGNITY de SUFJAN STEVENS [ amethyst and flowers on the table, is it real or a fable? well, i suppose a friend is a friend. and we all know how this will end. i forgive you, mother, i can hear you, and i long to be near you, but every road leads to an end. your apparition passes through me in the willows and five red hens, you'll never see us again. ]

27. FRESH PAIR OF EYES de BROOKE WAGGONER [ ‘cause i want to be seen with a fresh pair of eyes. ]

                      ¡¡ FELIZ NAVIDAD Y AÑO NUEVO, JAVI !!

DE: andy ( @thelonelyykitty )

PARA: javi ( @victoriafawley )

Pequeño pal:

Como puedes ver, no sé recortar cabello. Apesto recortando cabello. Pero lo intenté y eso es lo que importa. En fin, creo que quedó medio bien lmao. 

¡Feliz Navidad y año nuevo, atrasados, pero y’know! Sé que este año estará lleno de cambios para ti, pero ya verás que todo va a salir muy bien y serán cambios para bien. Es bueno no quedarse en un mismo sitio y verás que, quizá sea difícil en ciertas situaciones, sin embargo al final todo es para bien. Me alegra verte crecer como persona y observarte emprender el vuelo (?). Realmente espero que todo salga muy bien para ti, lo mereces después de tanto. Mereces ser muy feliz y estar en paz. 

Te quiero mucho. Gracias por ser una persona comprensiva y siempre dispuesta a escucharme. Lo aprecio muchísimo. No todo el mundo es tan paciente. Gracias por nunca juzgarme y extender una mano amiga cuando es necesario. Estoy feliz de llamarte amiga, en verdad. 

Pues... En el mix traté de ir desde la relación de Victoria con su mamá, su hermano, como su familia se desmoronó y como se siente sola, sin ninguna otra persona. Me quedó super emo, no obstante me agradó bastante el resultado final y espero a ti también. Espero ver más de Victoria y sobre todo de su amistad con Winnie. 

Te mando un enorme abrazo :3. 

HARRY STYLES - SIGN OF THE TIMES [6.58] It's Songs-English-Lads-Haven't-Done-A-Proper-Video-For-Yet Thursday!

Edward Okulicz: Harry Styles is embarrassing. His tattoos and social media posts inspire me to shake my head at how silly he is. But he's got fans who worship his choices as much as his face; he's a pop star, and being a good pop star often means being polarising and different things to different people. His solo debut's absurd scale is matched by its overreaching lyrics and on-brand earnestness, recognisably the work of an idiot who got a butterfly tattoo on his stomach and who once plaintively asked his listeners, "is it too much to ask for something great?". The world needs Harry Styles to be the great pop star that he almost is; I'll upgrade this to a [9] if he has a second song this massive, and to a [10] if he quits music after this goes to Number One. [8]

Alfred Soto: It took no time for this elegant pony to record a solo debut as long and ugly as his hair. Signifying nothing but its power to impress with its "range," his falsetto depends on its cushioning among other weaker voices, none of which are present here. "Epic" is not a compliment but a value-free descriptor. [4]

Will Adams: When I was a young, budding music lover, I somehow got it in my head that songs could only be good if they were longer than 3:50. At 5:41, "Sign of the Times" is not only a baffling single choice, it's an extension of Younger Me's short-sighted thinking. I don't begrudge the slow tempo, but the unnecessary repetition of the pre-chorus and Styles' stubborn inability to cut around anything make it a slog. The turgid 70s rock-isms don't help, nor does Styles' following the trend of most of his former bandmates that serious = good. [5]

Katherine St Asaph: The timing of a David Bowie pastiche invoking a Prince album would seem incredibly crass had Styles not set himself up for this ever since he started wearing fedoras and soutache and Johnny Depp hair. Is it terrible to give points just for ambition? Even though this is basically just a Jason Mraz ballad blown up Violet Beauregarde-style(s) to arena size, or a warning shot for Styles' impending Bruno Marsification of classic rock? [6]

Katie Gill: Zayn is mystery, Zayn is the sexy one, so he releases "Pillowtalk." Niall is light, Niall is the cute one, so he releases "This Town." Harry is love, Harry is the hot one, so he releases... a six minute slightly prog, slightly glam, utterly flamboyant arena rock jam that pushes the song all the way up to eleven. And yet it's a bit to be expected? I've got an entire essay on how Harry Styles pushes back against the cult of masculinity through exceedingly specific style choices, much in the vein of Prince, who ALSO has his Sign o' the Times, and it's not a coincidence Harry announced this single the day of that album's anniversary. Likewise, masculinity through style, brings to mind David Bowie, the person who everybody's going to be comparing this song to. By the way, I fall more towards "Life on Mars" on the Which David Bowie Song Does This Actually Remind You Of Spectrum. "Sign of the Times" is unexpected but entirely expected and I just really love it and want to listen to it over and over again, okay? [8]

Scott Mildenhall: Not the Robbie, but the Briyan, only ten times as pompous. A thuddingly un-self-aware debut full of elliptical platitudes that may well have meant a lot when written, but land like helium balloons. Off they float into the ether, ground control to rocket man and all that, but wait -- the luxuriously leaden arrangement brings him right back down. It all feels shockingly misguided: he's reached Be Here Now on single one. [5]

Joshua Copperman: When I heard that Harry Styles was releasing a glam-rock production from Jeff Bhasker, I was expecting "We Are Young" part II. Instead, it's artsy, dramatic, and really, really serious. It's a bit too long and overblown (towards the end becoming what I imagine Be Here Now to sound like, should I ever want to hear it in full), but "Sign of the Times" nonetheless represents a shift in style that works quite well. And if the idea was to attract fans of Springsteen, Joel, and Bowie, that worked well too - my dad's a fan of this song, and didn't even care about Styles' origins. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: Songs I hear in the DNA of "Sign of the Times": Oasis's "Don't Look Back in Anger," Elton John's "This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore," Bowie's "5 Years," Suede's "Wild Ones." And if you told me that Noel Gallagher was playing uncredited slide guitar, it wouldn't shock me at all. This song is sloooooow, and dramatic, and defiantly off-trend, which is a big part of why it succeeds so strongly: it sounds nothing like anything anywhere near the radio right now. It's also triumphantly British, and grand, and Styles gives it the strongest vocal I've yet heard from him. This is the epitome of a boy-band makeover, only in the most unexpected manner he could've taken. Everything about this is great. [9]

Ryo Miyauchi: Harry Styles tries hard to make this say something by borrowing the markers of classic-pop greatness, but it never materializes into anything in particular. Weirdly, I admire this inflated, hollow brand of pop ambition, partly because I expected it the least out of Harry as far as solo One Direction singles go. There's something about feeling some kind of awe looking at this huge piece of meaningful nothingness. I can't put a finger on what exactly that something is either. [4]

William John: Somehow the rock opera touchstones, presumably intended to gussy up this naked dolor, only serve to enhance it; there's a sense of hopelessness, of eyeliner gushing, of feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of everything. "Sign of the Times" could do with a key change or middle eight, but its steadfast commitments to melodrama and aesthetic provide a commendable contrast to what's currently festering at the top of the charts. [7]

Maxwell Cavaseno: His stiff-upper-lip, sleeve-rolling attitude implies that in another decade, this kid will start spouting neo-con nonsense once success and worth has landed at his feet. And I'm very here for that future disappointment! Am I thrilled to be entertained by a fairly boring rock ballad,complete with sliding guitars and cheap choirs? No, but, as people persist in pretending Zayn is making music worth listening to, we have to recognize that there's dignity in realising you cannot go where the 'new' occurs, that you're perhaps a little out of step and will never be much more. Harry Styles, who was once in a group of boys who tried to make life so sunny, is telling us that death and destruction are not so bad. "Sign Of The Times" doesn't sound like much to seize upon, but it speaks to an inability to help that, more and more, plagues us all. [6]

Claire Biddles: I live in Glasgow, around 50 miles from the UK's stash of nuclear submarines on the west coast of Scotland. Glasgow parties hard and spends all its money on clothes and going out and dancing, and I've always thought this is something to do with having the possibility of being blown off the surface of the earth at a moment's notice woven into our consciousness. There's a low-level anxiety there, but there's also a drive to make the most of it, and a kind of relief: at least it'll be quick. We'll be the ones who die at the start of Threads, not the ones left behind eating our neighbours' limbs or whatever. Harry Styles' debut single isn't explicitly about the west coast of Scotland's very specific regional psyche, but it embodies it almost perfectly. "Sign of the Times" is the announcement of the inevitable end of the world set to the tune of "Life on Mars?", delivered louchely with a shrug, advising you to wear your Sunday best for the grand finale. Low-level anxiety, but mainly an eagerness to set a blanket down and watch it all burn, knowing you've done alright with the time you've had. It's a final blowout that's realistic rather than blindly hedonistic, and its excesses are rooted in the familiar -- it understands that we'd rather go out to a big sing-a-long than "Idioteque". I can only hope that in the moments between hearing the initial screams that signal my imminent death and my final, choked breath, I have enough time (an ambitious but ultimately necessary 5 minutes and 40 seconds) to listen to "Sign of the Times"; to let its reassuring but solemn take on the apocalypse ease me to the end. For dramatic effect I hope it's on a beach, looking out to sea like Harry on the single cover. I hope I get to see the scorched sky masquerading as a sunset, a soothing, simple pleasure in my final moments. "Stop your crying", Harry will say as he takes my hand in his -- chastely, appropriately, with his knowing crooked smile -- "It'll be alright". [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

Survey #112

“i’m like a jesus crisis.”

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk?  He wasn't wasted or anything, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk with how ungodly talkative he was, and was way more expressive of emotions than he naturally was. Do you like going to weddings?  I do again now.  Although I haven't been to one since recovery, I'm sure I'd handle it fine and actually be happy this time.  I need to get more comfortable in that setting since I'd actually really like a big part of my hopeful photography career to be weddings.  Such a big celebration of love is something I adore.  I already just like taking pictures of couples. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant?  BECAME pregnant, uh, I think a person I'm actually doing pictures for in January. Beach, city, or mountains?  M O U N T A I N S.  DAMMIT they're so beautiful. You get a call at 2:00 a.m. - your first thought is:  My instinctive answer to this question is, "is something wrong with Sara?"  I live with my mom and sister, so it wouldn't be them, and it's not like Ashley calls me if there's trouble, she'd call Mom.  Dad would call Ashley.  She's pretty much the only thing that would come to mind if someone called me at 2:00 A.M. Future names of your children:  I'm not having kids, but I'd absolutely name my daughter Alessandra and my son probably Luther, Vincent, or Victor. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)?  She's aware I'm a virgin but have "done things." Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names?  Nick and very recently Joshua.  I don't know if one's married or anything whatsoever, two are in relationships, idk about my brother. Do you think age matters in relationships?  In romantic relationships, yes. What brand of face wash do you use?  Biore. What’s the last letter of your last name?  S Did your parents give you an allowance as a kid?  No, we couldn't afford to do that. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career?  No, and that's the reason I'm not pursuing being a meerkat biologist. Do you have any lingerie? Lol no, no one wants to see me in that. What was the shortest amount of time you knew someone before dating them?  A few weeks.  Maybe a little less than a month. What is your favorite app on your phone?  Fuckin' thanks Sara, DragonVale.  I love Pinterest more when I actually go on it, but I don't use it a lot. Which of your pets were you closest to in your lifetime?  The dog I have now, Teddy. Who are you most proud of?  Myself.  I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but seriously.  I don't over-exaggerate what I've been through, but I don't make it sound lesser than what it was, either.  I know I should be proud. When you’re eating pizza do you add anything like crushed peppers, parmesan cheese or hot sauce to it?  No.  Jason got me into adding hot sauce to jalapeno pizza (we wanted death, I know), but I don't do it now.  Loved it, but I think it being slightly less hot was more enjoyable. When was the last time that you plucked your eyebrows?  I've never plucked them; I used to get them waxed, but no longer do.  Don't see the point- they're just going to grow back, and quickly, and I'm not wasting money on that maintenance.  It's not like normal eyebrows are hideous anyway. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs? I will avoid this at all costs.  I hate it. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? Holy moly, I couldn't tell you.  But it used to sometimes give me heartburn, so I could only fucking imagine drinking it now if I hadn't taken my heartburn medication. Would you turn a family member in if you see them commit murder?  Duh. Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? A total stranger, honestly, no.  I don't know anything about that person.  Could be a piece of shit. Have you ever embarrassed someone intentionally in public? I don't remember ever doing so, and I never could now.  As someone with AvPD, I know how fucking awful embarrassment can be.  Plus it's just rude to try to make someone uncomfortable like that. Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? I'm perfectly aware this is wrong, but a woman.  I'm afraid of and don't trust men. Are you satisfied with the picture on your ID card?  Hell no.  Thank God I look like a totally different person now. What fruit did you last eat?  Hmmm, maybe strawberries? What font do you use most? I prefer Garamond for basic things. Are you allergic to anything? Pollen, big time, and silver. Where is your dad from? Ohio.  ... Or maybe he was born in Michigan but grew up in Ohio.  Idk. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into?  Ashley's co-worker's. What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs.  And it's still the only thing I know how to cook lmao. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live?  Squirrels and birds are the only things you commonly see.  But you'll see a deer sometimes, too, and more rarely a rabbit.  I think I've seen a fox once in my entire life.  Oh yeah, you'll see possums and raccoons sometimes at night. Does it take a lot to make you cry?  Noooope.  Well, yes to physical pain. What’s the longest hospital stay you’ve had? For what?  Uhhh I think I was there for two weeks.  Mental stuff. Do you know any same-sex married couples?  Hm... I actually don't think I personally do. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?  There was a point where we dated, Jason was like my only real life friend lol, so he was.  Now I call my girlfriend my best friend, but if you don't include s/os, then my current one would be a guy. Skim, 1%, 2% or whole milk?  Eh, probably 2%. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Personally, I wasn't physically attracted to him.  But he's definitely not an ugly guy or anything. Do you prefer to say “haha” or “lol?”  I'd say I use them just about the same amount... maybe "lol" more? How many stories does your house have?  One. Were you dreams very vivid as a child? Yes. Do you eat meat?  If you do, what is your justification for it? Yes.  One, the human diet is meant to contain meat.  It's much easier for our bodies to receive the nutrients it needs with meat.  Two, it's part of population control.  Yes, I know, you could argue the exact same for humans, but it's not like a sane person's gonna start eating humans.  Three, it's just the food chain.  Humans are on top of it.  The process of killing an animal for food seems horrible and cruel, I know, and I doubt I personally could do it unless it was a survival situation, but I don't see it as morally wrong. Do you think that time travel is a possibility?  I don't think it's possible, really.  And if it ever happened, you can bet we'd fuck shit up. Do you enjoy night or day better?  I've actually gotten to where I enjoy day.  I strangely have a much higher chance of experiencing anxiety at night, which has kinda turned me away from it.  Plus I have more energy and am generally in a better mood over all in the early day. Have you ever been to a protest? No.  But the more and more passionate I get about gay rights, I'd absolutely partake in a *peaceful* protest regarding that subject now if one was nearby. Worst decision you ever made?  Let a heavily flawed person essentially become God to me. Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups? Eh, depends on the mood of those who would be involved, including myself. Bambi or Nemo?  Nemo.  I've actually never seen Bambi, but I love Nemo.  Lil cutie. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook?  Don and Aaron, yeah.  Well wait, Juan too, but I barely even consider him an ex. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long?  I have a short portion on the left and then the rest is shoulder-length.  After seeing myself with a bit of short hair, I'm thinking of getting a purely short haircut eventually.  Built my confidence up when Mom said she thought I'd probably look nice with a short hairstyle after seeing my new haircut.  It'd be something different. What area of science interests you the most?  Genetics. Have you ever been in an inflatable bouncy house? Yeah. Do you think there will be a WWIII?  Yes, eventually.  I don't think humanity's going anywhere too soon, and there's too many militant people. What are things you’re exceptionally good at? Uh.  Going into full-blown panic mode over stupid shit??  That's my specialty. Do you have any good book ideas?  I think a ton of the stories within my friend group's RP would make amazing novels, but I highly doubt any of us will ever actually make books about it. In all honesty, can a person be too nice?  Mixed feelings.  I just don't think some people deserve being nice to, but a part of me says you should treat everyone with kindness regardless, all the while not letting people get away with shit. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse?  Fuck yes it can be.  Some people will take one worse than the other, but both are fucking awful.  Both can ruin someone's life. Zelda Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I have zero interest in Zelda. Do you own a rosary? I'm sure I have one somewhere.  I was raised Roman Catholic, and essentially every Catholic has one. What's the hardest game you've ever played?  Fucking Dark Souls.  I gave it a good effort, but did nooot get that far.  The difficulty honestly drained all the fun out of it.  The hardest game I've ever beaten, uhhh... omg.  Maybe it was just my age/when I played it, but "The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night" was so.  Fucking.  Hard.  It literally took me a year or so playing it on-and-off to beat it.  Fantastic game, but my god it was hard.  "Parasite Eve" was also pretty damn hard (mostly thanks to the last boss, jc), but I definitely beat it faster. Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not?  No, wouldn't see the point in wasting the time.  I KNOW I would never get past the second day where you eat some crazy shit.  Nope.  Couldn't do most things they do due to me being a germaphobe, either. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? I never do because I hate the lighting personally, plus the red eyes are just no.  I'd need to learn more about properly using it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grandpa. What color do you usually paint your nails? I don't paint my nails. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick?  I personally think black.  It fits me better. How many times have you actually been in love?  Once.  I'm not to that point in my current relationship, but I most certainly love her.  There's a difference. How many pills do you take a day?  Five. Have you ever been around someone who was high?  Yeah. Do you want a church wedding?  Definitely not, that's way too traditional for my taste. Have you ever met any celebrities? Lol you don't meet celebrities among my interests in NC.  One day. Have you ever tried archery?  No, but I was interested in it once. Favorite foreign food? Hm.  I'm not sure. Were your ancestors royalty? I only know of Queen Victoria. Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? Throughout. Would you ever move to Canada? Sure.  I mean it wouldn't be my first pick for sure, but there's beautiful landscapes, and it at least seems to have way less drama than here. What about Kansas?  Tornado Alley?  Fuck that shit. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down?  I keep it down. What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else?  Ohhh.  This really depends on the person.  Coolest... probably collarbone dermals.  If mine were actually prominent and dermals didn't make me nervous, I'd probably have them.  They're beautiful, but seem super painful.  And risky. Are you attracted to girls?  I've pretty quickly realized I'm more attracted to them than men both physically and emotionally. Growing up what were your favorite cartoon characters?  I loved both Pikachu and Ash. Do you know anyone in a wheelchair?  I don't believe so. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Duh. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? Why?  If I had kids, I wouldn't force them to go.  I don't even go. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful?  It can be either depending on the reason and person's honest intentions. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? On hold?  Yes. How long should sex last?  It depends on the couple and how they're feeling.  But once one person wants to stop, you stop. Five year plan? Go!  Move out and have a stable job.  Those are the main two things.  Other things will fall into place. Can you be content if you are physically uncomfortable?  I couldn't be. Do you have pictures of your friends, and family in your bedroom? No. How old were you when you went on your first date?  That was like 7th grade, don't know age.  Me, Aaron, and I think two other friends went to a roller rink.  It was enough of a date for middle schoolers lol. Have you ever had surgery, if so for what?  Tubes put in ears when I was 2, pilonidal cyst surgery July this year. Have you ever seen a shark, and if so, were you scared? Never in the wild, just in aquariums.  They never scared me.  Such majestic creatures.  Now if I saw one in the ocean, yeah, I'd be scared. Have you ever gone fishing, or is that totally yucky? Fishing with Dad may just hold my all-time favorite childhood memories.  One of my most cherished memories is this time Dad, Nicole, and I woke up really early to go out on the boat at the nearby river to fish 'til around noon, when activity slows down.  So peaceful and beautiful out there, I'd love to fish there again with him.  I remember it so clearly that I can recall I packed those tiny 3 Musketeers chocolates and Nicole brought Snickers, lol.  Didn't have breakfast since we left so early.  Man... so many good memories related to fishing. Do you enjoy museums, or think they are totally boring? I.  LOVE.  Museums. Do you think illegally downloading things is wrong?  My conscience says yes.  You're stealing.  Yet I still download music.  Oops. Have you and your friend ever liked the same guy/girl?  Not that I know of. Do you tell your best friend everything?  I tell Sara just about every little thing. Ever taken any lessons for anything? Guitar lessons, yeah. Do you call it pop, soda, or fizzy drink?  Soda. Do you like french fries, cheese and gravy mixed together? Uh, that sounds horrid, even without the fact I hate gravy. Do you live in a house, apartment, or what? House. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live?  Mid-high 90s, low 100s.  Sometimes high 80s. When was the last time you had a headache? What about stomachache?  Headache, a couple days ago or so.  I get them a lot.  Stomachache, not since I got sick two or so months back. Where is your second home?  Uh.  I guess my dad's? Honestly, could you live without your computer?  Honestly, after being exposed to one for so long, I couldn't live happily, no.  Not unless I just adjusted to not having one after a very, very long time, but I don't even know if that would happen. What is more annoying, people who take forever to reply to texts or when they only say ‘K’? I stg do not reply to me with just "k." Is family the most important thing in your life? If not, what is? My definition of family is different than the traditional.  Just like friends, for me, you pick "real" family.  Say I'm related to an absolute asshole; by actual definition, they'd be family, but to me, nope.  I can put other people above "actual" family, so to answer the question, not necessarily. After taking a shower, do you change in the bathroom or the bedroom?  Bathroom. Are you completely over your last relationship?  There was nothing to get over.  I never got to where I loved him and doubt I ever could.  It was just awkward. Last 3 movies you watched?  "Monster House," "Corpse Bride," and uhhh... pretty sure "Coraline." Do you get stage fright?  Well, when I used to dance, it wasn't that bad since I was with others.  Now, I'm not so sure how I'd be. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly?  February. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Pretty sure yes. Do you love your computer? MY laptop, yes.  The one I currently have to use, ew. Is there an outdoor movie theater where you live?  No. Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk?  Both.  Mom claimed she wasn't, but I think she was. Do your parents vote? Mom does, idk about Dad. What’s your favorite thing to eat during a movie? Popcorn. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. Would you rather live without your Facebook or Tumblr? Facebook. What Lisa Frank character is your favorite?  Ohhh, the angelic cat. If you inherited a large sum of money what is the first thing you’d buy?  A train ticket. What did you do with your baby teeth when they fell out?  Mom kept them. What is the last thing you took a photograph of?  My snake. <3 Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many?  It's technically a bookshelf I think, but we store our DVDs there. If you answered yes to the above, are your books ordered in a special way? The DVDs are in alphabetical order. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? If they were guaranteed to not attack their owners/be docile and I could care for it appropriately, sure, I'd keep a smaller raptor. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? It's not consistent. If you could choose only one thing from Walmart, what would it be?  Hot fries or Takis, depending on my mood. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head?  Dye everything.

Building a Miniatures Wargame Army Part 2 - Preparation!

So, it’s time to buy some miniatures, and as I said in my last article, I went with Peter Pig and a little Khurasan. The Khurasan are a bit bigger than the Peter Pig fellas, so I may use them as Russian Guardsmen and just live with it. 

So, we start with an unopened pack of miniatures. I  wanted to show how miniatures are typically packed, usually in a plastic bag of some sort, with a backer card describing the contents. In that regard, Peter Pig bags are minimalist, with only one number for the range and another for the figure pack in that range. I’ve taken to writing on the back of the pack in sharpie what’s in the bag, so I don’t go insane trying to figure out what the hell it contains!

Pictured above are two bags of Peter Pig figures and some metal files I will use to clean up the miniatures. This is really the first thing you should do once you remove the miniatures from the package. It’s important to examine the miniature for extra burrs of metal or mold lines that will detract from the look of the miniature. 

The good news is, while it may be a chore to find the flaws in the miniature, it’s not as hard to remove them with a few good strokes of a metal file. In the two pictures below, I examine this Peter Pig flag bearer for any such flaws. I only found some small burrs on the base, which is about right, along with a mold line on top of the hat and along the flagpole. Take note of the detail and expressiveness of the miniature as this is what makes a good miniature! 

After you’ve spent time filing and checking over the miniature, it’s time to give them a bath. That’s right. A bath. 

I have a small Tupperware container that I use, and all you need is a bit of hand soap or dish soap to do the job. Why are we bathing them, you ask? One of the things that goes into the production of metal miniatures is a mold release agent that’s meant to ease the removal of the metal figures from the mold. It’s hard to see once it dries, but its residue is there, trust me. And you’ll notice and curse it when your paint doesn’t adhere to the miniature as well as it should. So, a bath with some soap and water clears that small problem right up. I simply dunk ‘em, soap ‘em, and agitate the water and soap with a bit of a shake, then time it for two minutes.

After that, you simply put them out on a paper towel to dry. That usually takes about ten to fifteen minutes or so. You can do several sets of figures at a time and have one set you’re filing and cleaning, another set bathing, and another set drying. When you’re a wargamer, every step with your army is an assembly line!

Also, you will notice that I’ve laid the figures out in pairs. This allows me to visualize the unit I want to create and how they’ll be organized for eventual basing and play. It helps me because then I know:

I’ve got a suitable variety of miniatures on a base, or that the similar miniatures look good enough

I’ve made sure there are a commander and flag bearer for the unit command stand

What you see pictured here is a basic unit for my rules, For the Proletariat. I designed the size of the battalions around the bag size of the Peter Pig range. And so far, so good. Any extra figures from a given pack (I end up swapping out a rifleman for one of the flag bearers) should be put aside as they can be swapped into other units. Remember, the Russian Civil War had both armies, especially the Reds in the early part of the war looking like a motley crew. But even the Whites had a variety of uniforms and sources of equipment.

The next step is to prepare your miniatures to be painted. This is also a relatively easy task. The first step is to use white glue or a sparing amount of super glue to put the figures on a temporary base, like a popsicle stick. I mount a battalion of eight miniatures to a stick, which works out to a battalion of infantry or a squadron of cavalry, as they will be mounted two to a base in their final form.

After that, take them outside and put an undercoat on them! Some notes about spraypaint The first is obvious: 

BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU SPRAY AND SPRAY IN A WELL-VENTILATED AREA!

I really cannot stress this enough. Spray paint has chemical propellants that aren’t good for you if you breathe them in, and you can do a lot of unintentional damage if you spray the wrong way. It’s also good to wait until the day is calm, sunny, and the temperature is between 60-80 degrees Fahrenheit with low humidity. It means that for me, being in the DC area, I have two narrow windows to spray up my miniatures - spring and fall. So, I take advantage of it when I can for as long as I can. 

Some may ask, why do you undercoat your miniatures? Metal, by itself, isn’t a great medium for most acrylic paint to stick to, but specially made primers do an awesome job of giving the paint a layer to adhere. 

Two pro-tips: One, I buy most of my primer at the auto parts store and Home Depot. Rust-Oleum brand does as well as specially made hobby primers for about half the cost. And second? If you can’t paint outside, use artist’s gesso. You can pretty much glop the stuff on, and it will shrink as it dries.

Now, what color do you prime? There are many schools of thought, but I tend to prefer black (for most paint jobs) and grey (for lighter paint jobs, such as primarily yellow, or white, or smaller scales, like 15mm and below). These miniatures are small enough, so whatever colors you put down, you want them to “pop!”

So, when you spray them, shake the can vigorously in accordance with the directions on the can. Spray in quick, even bursts, and make sure you don’t spray in one place two long, or you’ll put too much paint on the figure!

See, all ready to be painted, I’ve since done at least half of my Reds, and I am still working on the Whites! So, it’s not hard if you put your mind to it to get an army done relatively quickly. The main thing you need here is focus! Focus and you can do it too!

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At SJR Research, we specialize in creating compelling narratives and provide research to give your game the kind of details that engage your players and create a resonant world they want to spend time in. If you are interested in learning more about our gaming research services, you can browse SJR Research’s service on our site at SJR Research.

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(This article is credited to Jason Weiser. Jason is a long-time wargamer with published works in the Journal of the Society of Twentieth Century Wargamers; Miniature Wargames Magazine; and Wargames, Strategy, and Soldier.)