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yandere-monoma · 6 months

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good evening i am warming up for the 3(+????) killswitch updates i have planned for this coming week so KYM 3 COMMENTARY

chapter 3 (the flashback) was originally meant to just be 'the rising action', a large, large, large chapter of build up before not only getting to the pregnancy reveal, but also detailing all of rose's reactions to it and her whole attempt to redeem herself through motherhood, only to end with a cliffhanger about her subsequent miscarriage. however, i went batshit, got too lost in the sauce and the chapter ended up being SO long before i even got to half of what i had planned, so chapter 3 was split into two halves. it's actually so interesting watching how a piece's word count can grow in that regard, like, i feel like with pacing i am just following this invisible flow and i can sense when i just need to cut it off and i don't really have a choice in the matter. which makes it especially funny when a piece just gets longer and longer and longer and then suddenly it's 10k+ words, god

the flashback was also what i considered at the time to be my final moment to really detail as many of my headcanons about how rose was raised as i could, since i knew the rest of the fic would be laser focused on the pregnancy plot. there were so many details i wanted the audience to have, especially because the pain of building and developing a world that never really gets shown is so painful ARGH

it was a difficult chapter to write for a number of reasons. like, from the first line, i was STRUGGLING

the chapter promptly starts:

and it was... interesting, to say the least, to finally sit there and put a number to what was happening... the topic of CSA is something i write about a lot, but i actually have a huge tendency to avoid listing ages when i do so. i love ambiguity and also adding specifics like that actively make me uncomfortable HAHA i think it makes it too real and makes me actually process what i'm actually writing about, which i'm usually largely disconnected to (i have little to no visual imagination when i read, so, really, the only reason i'm capable of writing this kind of shit without getting grossed out myself is cuz it's all just words to me). so it was an interesting challenge to actually pinpoint an age. it's a large reason behind the 'something bad happens' revelation happens later on. i was incredibly unwilling to specify what age rose was when the sexual abuse happened, both because of that discomfort and also just because of indecision. i don't actually know when bro first started attacking rose in that way. or any of my strider, really. i don't really care to know. HGJFKGS

also

it's interesting to see >rose: scream as it is right now because it's one of those bits that left me unsatisfied to leave as is. maybe one day i'll double back and fix it hsdjfkgsdg initially there was meant to be a stronger and more obvious parallel between rose seeing her menstrual blood for the first time and rose seeing the blood from her miscarriage. at the very least, the commands were originally planned to be identical, but since this chapter's beginning and chap 4's ending are just too different, i abandoned it as an idea. but now... after the fact... oh how i CRAVE it... KJGFLS

this part also brings up another reason why this chapter was so awkward and so difficult. i don't keep it secret from anyone that i just have a big fetish for angst and whump SHDFJGSDF kym isn't meant to be a ~deconstruction~ of anything. if anything, it's more me going 'damn i wish rose got whump fics. she would get so many if she was a boy/a strider. HEY WAIT A SECOND-'....

but a lot of what i'm writing about in this chapter isn't actually fueled by horny. i very much lack a menstruation fetish. in fact, anything involving reproduction is very 🧍‍♂️which is why having an entire plot arc that revolved around it was CRAAAAAAAZY... i got off to NOOOOOONE of that what do you MEEEEAN

it is actually so funny being slightly awkward about writing period blood when you literally write about dicks-in-guts on like a monthly basis HAHA anyway... WORTH it for the carrie reference that part was so sooo important to me

i rewatched carrie so much for this scene HAHA

i love writing bro i hope my love for writing bro really shines in this fic because god i love writing him he's probably my fave hs muse ever

whenever i mention bro's jeans being too tight pls know it's because once i saw him described in a fic as a middle aged man stuffed into an old pair of skinny jeans and it never left me, especially after becoming that very thing. also pls know that whenever i talk about his jeans being too tight it's because i'm gay i'm gay i'm gay and i'm thinking about his thighs and ass and cock

that's you! you're the joke!!!! idk why i adore that line but it was so fun to write

interesting conundrum sparked in this interaction that would haunt me for a couple of chapters after this one. i have thought too many thoughts about how bro should refer to rose. it was all too tempting to have him drop a 'sis' every now and then for that same sense of casual bro-ness but god it's not casual enough in a lot of ways... the lack of plosives stood out to me too much for some pretentious reason and i think in a way it was actually too accepting of her gender to ever be allowed. 'kid' is gender neutral which is as much freedom as bro can possibly allow her. rose is only granted her womanhood when it's being used against her, otherwise she's forcibly deemed masculine or neutral, depending on what suits him more

(which is double interesting because that's a phenomenon that is ESPECIALLY forced upon women of color... i don't actually utilize any race hcs in this fic because my strilonde race hcs tend to be very fluid but damn... kinda wish i did just for that)

quick shout-out to the DVD menu line a few paragraphs down from here yeah that was a purposeful reference to eat your young, it is very important to me that the rose strider character study also reads exactly like a dave strider character study because bro as a character is STATIC, he is repetitive, he is doomed to repeat the same abuse towards his victim no matter who he aims it at. rose and dave and jade and john will all have to face that same moment in the living room where the tv is on and bro is leaning way too close and he shatters their childhood forever by kissing them for the first time. the reason why they get on that couch will vary, bro and rose are watching carrie, bro and dave are watching shitty comedies for ironic reasons, maybe bro and jade are watching cartoons, maybe bro and john are watching childhood tapes while bro tries to prove some crazy insane point. it is always on that fucking couch that bro decides they are grown enough to start™

'Bro’s arms coming around you to squeeze just a little bit as it comes to an end' i fucking LOVE writing 'good' bro moments i LOVE writing bro sprinkling those masculine gestures of affection i love making him ruffle someone's hair or pat them too hard on the shoulder or give them a little side hug. i love when he is not just a stone cold freak sociopath TM he is a human capable of showing love who even enjoys doling it out at any opportunity. it is so so fun and also it drives me crazy

fun fact i'm actually incredibly shit at understanding how the hell the striderian mind games are even supposed to work. it means a lot that people say i nailed it with the carrie thing cuz ngl this is the only way i could make it click in my head. for me, so much of what bro claims in irony isn't, he's just like that genuinely and the mind game is the fact that he just lies and omits info and makes you wonder what's fake and what's not. to me bro strider works because he is a manchild who spends every waking moment crafting a fantasy land and making it a reality, following every fancy and whim he has. for me, he takes the concept of seeing a fictional character and going 'MOOD' and deciding to wear similar clothes or adopt a similar posture and he goes above and beyond. bro being a 'fan' of SAW and creating traps in his house is an example of that to me. he thought they were cool and decided to incorporate it in his irl. and since what's cool to HIM should be cool to his super cool kid too, he just assumes they have the same approach as he does. which is why he sees rose and goes, oh yes, i gotta re-enact every great womanTM horror through her. she's gonna love and appreciate the FUCK out of that.

speaking of that, bro and rose being likened to jigsaw and amanda doesnt really happen enough for my tASTES HELLOOoOOoooo

'This is how he loves you.' line that cracks me up because it's like. one of those lines/concepts that follows me into every piece about abuse if it gets long enough. the bizarreness of it. attempting to comprehend another person's perspective and squeeze it into your own even though trying to understand just harms you further in the process. it makes me aaaaaaaaaaaaa

And God made Eve from the rib of Adam and Eve was weak. And the curse was the curse of blood.

did you know that carrie has a musical. did you know i fucking love this song from this music. did you know i will sit and force a religious reference into anything and everything i write because i have so So many fetishes on the topic

You start imagining your brother’s rib plucked out, shiny and pretty, and growing enough flesh and arteries and bone to form a little girl. And you were made from him and you were made for him and you-

I'M INSAAAAAAANE adam and eve didn't have to go as hard as it did but Damn. Damn. yknow what people don't do religious striders enough considering the whole from the south bible belt thing. like i don't think they're christian in the slightest but they'd be entrenched in it, they'd be SURROUNDED in it and godhsdjfgsdfg (melts into a cummy puddle) anyway

SCREAMS INTO MY FIST I LOVE THIS SCENEEEEEEE

it is such an odd exchange it was so fun describing absolutely nothing about what was going on in either of their heads

another instance of manchild bro literally jumping for joy SO excited to get a laugh in with his (other) best friend

rose taking his horror movie reference and twisting it into another, trying to take control of the situation (most notably a horror movie where the villain is two antagonists pretending to be one, which is what rose would prefer their relationship to be like, an 'equal' symbiosis rather than one with a huge power dynamic like carrie and her mother)

the fact that yeah it's absolutely pig's blood god bro where did you even get that god you freak

we now get to >rose:bind which means i get to talk a shitload about rose's gender which was... HARD

because rose is very much not transmasc nor is she even particularly genderfluid or even butch and that is a very hard thing to convey in a very... queer audience. i won't get into the rant of it (because HOO i could rant) but i think sometimes in fandom, things get simplified or shoved into a box because it is something recognizable and relatable. i didn't want anything about rose's gender to be relatable. her sense of masculinity is something that was projected onto her and her sense of the feminine is something that was robbed from her and her entire identity is built upon that.

like, it was SUPER fun to play with this aspect of rose striderism because i usually do see her portrayed as butch or masc or just really punk/alt but it was very important for me that this wasn't something that she chose for herself and that it wasn't something that was really true to how she saw herself. dave's issues with masculinity was handed to him on a platter by bro and i wanted that for rose as well

so it was super important for me to talk about her binding. it was super important to explore it as something that was done to her, something that doesn't even really do anything for her as she does it, except fulfilling an aesthetic that was obviously given to her to uphold. it is another form of mutilation that she happily accepts and buys into.

ngl the mutilation is also a reference. i don't really write trans striders (i prefer trans lalondes tbh HJSKFG) but if/when i do, you better KNOW that they're never not thinking about cutting their titties off with their swords. it's their Thing.

You are now a twelve year old drug addict/you are now a twelve year old rat. This wasn't done on purpose but after this point, she never refers to herself as a 'girl'. she gets a quick mention at being bro's sister while lil cal's influence is still holding the narrative but after this point she's just referred to as rose in every 'introduction' sentence and ugfhdgfgd noice

shoutout to this section by the way i think i wrote it while losing my shit on my adhd meds HAHA. i always love the extra edge of mania that gets infused in my writing when i'm hyped up on them enough (i actually have a series on ao3 specifically and secretly dedicated to my Way Too Hyped Up On My Adderall writing, fun fact). this section is also a shoutout to the fact that i've just always been obsessed with psychology and these experiments are some examples of

like, the approach was: ok ricky imagine you're at a bar drunkenly explaining actual real life nature vs nurture experiments to an unwitting third party

Let me be warm. My life is darkness and all I want is a single dose of light.

note to self: steal that from myself and put it in a book wtf

rose's silly junkie era is so fun because it's me twisting alcoholic meteorstuck rose into the worst thing it could possibly be and she is so cute hjskgsdg

this part was so fun and what's SO fun about reading back on it is literally seeing the parts of the fic where, in the process of writing it, i went... wait let's go a step further WAIT wouldn't it be crazy if i did this or that. here is where i simultaneously realized, YES let's acknowledge within the fic that this is a FIC, let the narrator know about the trigger warnings and the summary. let the narrator understand and point out characterization. let the narrator take plot points and toss them out completely and tease their existence out despite their removal yESSSSS.

now, the latter is actually not the first time i've written that. it's something i've been practicing a lot lately, playing with unreliable narrators and the way they relay actions. playing with what is omitted rather than what is directly and incorrectly said. it's so fun GOD it's SOOOOOO fun to say something happened but not allow it to be studied even a little bit. it's so fun to spend an entire chapter detailing a list of years only to be like. oh yeah by the way, this whole time something else was happening that we just neglected to mention, oops, yeah. and it was such a perfect loophole for my own discomfort HJSKDF go me

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

this was the part of the fic that i was the MOST excited about. there was absoLUTELY no plan for it WHATSOEVER it appeared INCREDIBLY RANDOMLY after i was inspired and reminded by a random ass homestuck PLAY i found on ao3 (this one btw it's super good) that i'm also a playwright and i miss writing in a play format. SJDKFGSDFG. i love playing with format so MUCH and the first few inklings of this idea came from me wanting to use a BROTHER/SISTER format, completely stripping bro and rose's identity into nothing but their familial roles

and then i realized who'd be perfect to do just that

i believe this is the first time i also had to wrestle with what color to use on bro: which is something i tend to struggle with literally whenever i have to incorporate pesterchum colors for him. however, this fic really solidified it for me: as much as i love using orange for bro, it's important to use black for him because lil cal stole his color from him and stole what agency and 'character' he had. the black makes him a NPC, he's reduced to a default setting, and that's perfect. every time i remember that, the urge to put some likeness to dirk into him evaporates instantly

now, i've already talked about my approach to lil cal's characterization so i won't repeat much but i WILL do more to point out specific aspects of it

this part is funny cuz yes it's supposed to be a reference to arquius/equius but also it's a reference to me being really fucking gay for bro. caliborn/lil cal is also gay for bro but also it's just me. i'm the one who wants to kiss bro. i'm the one drooling about his sexy sexy Sexy tight shirt. it's ME.

this part is funny cuz caliborn is not gay for bro and i am Not a lolicon HJDKFGLSDFG

i hope how much fun and delight i was experiencing writing this scene shines through because it was the most fun and the MOST delightful

1)the injection line is super hot 2) reference to laugh track! i love bro feeling one way but being psychically tortured into acting another!! i love thinking about how that would look from the outside!!!!!!!

3) this is the start of the ASPECTS being highlighted in CAPS LOCK which i was INCREDIBLY TEMPTED to also format into their aspect colors but i was TOO FUCKING LAZY and was already doing a lot. it was an impulse that turned into a mini-challenge to me to see just how many aspects i could naturally fit into the prose without trying to force it, very much looking forward to seeing what that count looks like at the end

1)having to google drug safety phrases cuz i couldnt think of good ones off the top of my head was fun 2) who is the green? is the green caliborn or is it lord english or is it The Game? to me, the answer is, of course, all of the above, but especially The Game to me. again, this building and completely unplanned theme of Sburb being an entity capable of opinion and omniscience, and being nearly as much of a character capable of narration as Rose is... really started to solidify here, as lil cal, another inanimate object and another construct of The Game and another impossibility of paradox space, gets to suddenly narrate as well

which is rly what drives me crazy about KYM and what kill/switch has turned into. who or What the fuck is the narrator and what does it Mean to narrate within the context of the story. it isn't like the epilogues where someone is taking it consciously, so what? i can't wait to see if i ever have a specific answer for this, or if it will always just be the consequence of me just having so much fun in the writing process.

speaking of who is the narrator, who tf is the black caps vs the orange HJSDKFGDSG it's so so soooo fun playing with lil cal's ouroboros of possession. i love playing with meshing the two, like the black caps is the possessed narrator channeling lil cal's vibes as it channels any of it's hosts vibes, while the orange is lil cal's words straight from lil cal's lil bitch mouth

oh the SATISFACTION in getting to write the puppet bro moment. the SATISFACTION!!!!! writing this and getting to think and wonder just how many times lil cal has spoken through bro was so fUN

hey did yall know there's white font littered all throughout the fic because there's white font littered all throughout the fic and this is its first usage of it

i don't have specific thoughts (yet) about lil cal and his possible connections to doc scratch.

i do have thoughts about using the white in a way that would be hidden from most readers but still signified in a way for people to try and curiously try and find it. i attempted this by neglecting to white out the punctuation, leaving a big awkward space for a chosen few to hopefully consider poking at

bro slamming rose's head into a wall until she passes out and then regaining control of himself just in time for the effects of her drugs to hit him and passing out with a smile of pride on his face while lil cal (and the GAME) fucking pouts all tf over it. oh yeah baby. oh yeah this is what dreams are MADE of

VERY important speed-run of a VERY important rose strider hc

imo, rose is a better fighter than dave, right. she's better at becoming bro's protege than him. she's his perfect child. she's him.

so.

dave, in his failure, really only barely gets past lvl 1 of bro's intended training by the time sburb starts. maybe he's inching his way through lvl 2. he never even so much as gets a PEEK of lvl 3.

while rose is SOARING towards lvl 10. ok maybe that's a lil much. maybe she's at like 5 and a half. STILL.

i wanted to show that. i wanted to say YEAH not only is rose strifing but she strifes WAY more often than dave. i wanted to say yeah not ONLY is she getting attacked physically in the bathroom and kitchen but it's happening several times a day. i wanted to say yeah you thought shit was only physical and psychological??? hell nah bro started engaging in biochemical warfare against her body and she's all for it. i had this absolutely batshit hc about bro forcing rose to strife on roofies on a regular basis and it being something she (mostly) willfully encourages. GOD.

one thing i regret and mourn was that my pacing(???????) didn't allow all too much room to show rose befriending the other zetas and why she adores them so much. i think i summarized it enough with each friend brings a universe to you, but damn that is a premise that deserves a big long ramble

god what the hell is this AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA makes me so mad that bro is so cute with her JHKDFGSDFG this is just me shipping brose so goddamn hard, man... so goddamn hard...

also it was very fun to show bro literally handing rose some drugs on a silver platter after bashing her so often for them earlier. looking back, this is very much a moment where gamzee's influence on cal was absolutely in effect. he's affectionate and willing to share in the drug stash

another thing i regret not elaborating much on. although i think the sardonic nod at myself was super funny (yes it is so on the nose and obvious ooh so original a lolita reference in a het grooming fic) but i do wish i went more into detail about... rose attempting to find her femininity again and specifically the fact that this is happening because of what she's seen of jade and of women in media

(i dont think rose has read lolita but i do think she watched at least parts of the sexualized movie version)

(((man maybe i'll edit this bit cuz i do a lot with rape culture and how it affects rose but i'd love to add some porn culture thoughts as well... femininity and empowerment being joined with objectifying the self for men's benefit and rose attempting to lean into that as she tries to seduce bro because she is unaware of her appeal to him, a gay man)))

also, another laugh track moment, and another hc about bro and how he experiences attraction (and how it's been poisoned by lil cal)

Something in Bro’s face changes, then, the shift in possessive influence, gamzee losing what control he had over bro

You drape your arms around your brother’s shoulders. He grunts. “What are you doing?” bro returning, sluggishly reacting to what's happening, displeased with affection he didn't initiate and would consider weak

You kiss him on the cheek, girlish and soft. He grimaces. “Kid,” he warns. bro at the forefront. she does something 'girly', he reiterates and reinforces the gender neutral. it is a warning to stop before lil cal notices what's happening, and before she does something he'll really hate

You kiss him again, on the mouth this time. He pushes you away, disgusted. “The fuck?” bro continuing to be at the forefront, suddenly confronted with the fact that rose is attracted to him. as far as he is aware of, nothing he has done to her has ever been linked to 'attraction'. his assaults of her (as bro strider) at this point are a 'lesson'. they are not the result of a paraphilia. he is not attracted to his own child (the attraction is to power, it's to himself, it's ???????). the thought itself disturbs the fuck out of him. is he even aware of how much he has done at this point? does he even remember? is this bro at his purest, without any other influence or sickness manipulating his thoughts?

He breathes harshly. Sweat pops into his forehead, a vein bulging to view above his shades. He looks agonized. lil cal possession! his brain is getting zapped to hell and back and lil cal is fucking screaming at him for allowing something so DISGUSTING to happen. he's not the only one disturbed now, vessel and host are both SO unhappy with this turn of events

he grabs you by the wrist and yanks with a sudden roar of “c'mere.” bro on his own isn't the type of person to raise his voice when he's angry. the violent change in volume here is courtesy of lil cal (leaning towards caliborn?), though he's still largely in control

It’s like you’ve been filled with candy. Bright, fizzy, fuzzy candy that sparkles and foams up like nothing you’ve ever seen. Bro throws you to the ground. He looms over you, huge and terrifying. He corrects you with a sudden, sinister snarl. “You are meat.” lil cal officially puppetering bro completely. candy/meat reference to trigger caliborn even further. why can lil cal read rose's mind???? because of their connection? and/or because of gamzee's chucklevoodoos and the fraction of that ability still held inside of him

“You’re defenseless,” he informs you, drawing a sword from his specibi. “You’re helpless.” rape culture rape culture. it's also interesting to see where kym bro's obsession with it comes from. caliborn's misogyny, sure, but equius, too, in his obsession with the hierarchy, with his fetishization of it and the power structures within it, which of course also fuels the 'attraction'. you're helpless and this is something that i will help you fix... also a sentiment leftover from dirk/hal.

he reaches down suddenly, snarling again, one hand closing around your throat and the other, well. at this point, bro is all action. he is a melting pot of impulses and commands. every aspect of lil cal shouting different things, parts of him rebelling against the intimacy and demanding it be twisted, other parts obsessed with correcting behavior through violence, other parts overwhelmed with arousal and being unable to cope with it otherwise. all at once. all at OOOOONCE. It’s funny to see the contortions on your brother’s face as he fucks you, the forced clench of his jaw, the gratification, the aaaaaaaaaaaaaall of it

'sober up jfc' was such a funny command because the jfc was added at the last minute cuz >rose: sober up just... sounded so bland on its own. needed more OOMPH after the insanity of the scene before

it's also an ode to how much i fucking love that fucking roof my god i could write 6487569045634563950634563 strife scenes forever and never get tired of them

which is another thing i find fun about the rose strider character study. it fills in blanks that i havent written in break and bind us. the thought that bro is aware enough of his own crimes to contemplate suicide more than once isssss GOD yeah... god yeah... i probably wont ever write it much with dave himself because it's already in kym but GOD!!!

this was me struggling to transition to the present JHKDFGSFG like god you get so caught in a feedback loop of insanity and adrenaline that sometimes it's hard to move away from it (which is why i largely write oneshots cuz then i dont have to AHAHA)

surpriiiiise... it was a surprise to me, too. again, the pregnancy plot came long after i had actually started the fic, and rose's 'sickness' was only ever meant to be mental at first. suddenly plotting this and connecting it back to the first chapter/summary felt so wild to do hjsdkfgs

and with that we have the YIKES and me going jesus christ that was the end of the chapter huh goddamnit this fic is way longer than i wanted godDamn. this chapter is insane and i love it so much god.

#verse: killswitch #fic: kill your masters #director's commentary #meta #rose strider

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not-this-guy · 1 year

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Once again, picking at your brain for your thoughts

What’re your reasons/ideas behind your top hc’s for Bro

i'm brain dead right now after a full shift so let me give you the long short list and a more general explanation of my general fascination with this guy

the basis of my takes and hcs on bro stem from approaching him and viewing him as a person who is flawed and wrong and misguided, but a person and not a generic one faced boogeyman. he is an abuser, he has a lack of boundaries and he has violent tendencies, but i don't look at it in a vacuum because unlike dave who's only ever seen what bro allowed him to see, we can look at him as a whole.

i picked him up a couple years ago in a group roleplay server, mainly as a "i don't trust anyone else to write him/haha wouldn't it be funny if" and since then he's been living rent free in my head - but he's out grown what canon gave us.

and the fundamentals of that are:

0 | SPITE, DISGUST AND FRUSTRATION: he is a fascinating character in his own right, but goddamn is he polarising and one prone to settle in the extremes of fandom perception to the point that people have to fucking tag him as a trigger warning nowadays, which makes people unwilling to interact and engage in more nuanced discussions of him out of avoidance of being harassed which is understandable. however this kind of left him as a character to the wolves, and now a lot of his more recent works and his entire tag in general in whatever site you use has been trashed by incestuous pedophiles - which makes people even less wiling to interact with the concepts brought up in his character. and honestly fuck that. i'm willing to endure dealing w their bullshit directly n i'm willing to call these people what they are (groomers sharing csa material for personal gratification and desensitisation) and i'm not giving them free reign of bro's tag anymore. these freaks should be rightfully shunned and mocked and judged where ever they go because they're too deep in self-denial to ever change.

I | EXTRAPOLATION: with alpha dirk's introduction we were left with a question, how could this kid end up like his beta session self? what could possibly drive the dirk we grow to like and see multiple facets of become this shell of a man? and boy do i love assuming and explaining shit away for people who are barely characters in their own right. free reign to do whatever i want baby.

II | BRAIN DAMAGE: the answer to that question is to chip away at the soul and to scramble a man's sense of reality. i haven't really been in the headspace for it but id love to one day fully explore the horrors of Bro and Lil Cal's codependency for those 30 some years. with that as a base (but not an excuse) i started to slowly piece him back together, and working with the 'undesirables' of mental illness. he is an unmedicafed paranoid schizophrenic with hoarding tendencies who was diagnosed with aspergers as a child... and then punished for it, being effectively abandoned by the system to fates whims and blamed for never having his needs met. his one solid connection at any point in time was lil cal. but instead of villanizing him for having these traits... i see him as someone who was trying to help, but was misguided by his closest confidant and blinded by his over controlling paranoid nature and compulsory need to one up people. everything bro did, he did to help dave... he just never stopped to think about if he was going about it the right way, because he saw dave as an extension of himself and thus of course thought his behaviour was appropriate, because he is acting as who he wished he had when he himself was a kid.

III | PROJECTING AND RELATABILITY: damn he just like me fr. aka on top of all of that, i've grown to attach some of my own traits onto him and vice versa as a means of coping with my own backstory and as a backwards way of acknowledging that my feelings are valid... by allowing bro strider of all people to also go through them and changing myself to have compassion for him.

there's more but look i forgot and m done eating my cold burger.

#🆒#📩#🧢#passing out like snoooore mimimimi snoooore #I am not proof reading this if its legible it's legible

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proudfreakmetarusonniku · 11 months

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I’m learning more about the Colleen Ballinger and. Uh why are there so many jokes making fun of sexual abuse. Potentially CSA bc I don’t know how old her Miranda character is. Why is so much of this just ““Haha Miranda is an abuse victim isn’t this funny””. No that’s fucked up. That’s not even a dark joke bc there’s not any punchline.

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boldlyvoid · 1 year

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tw csa rant pretty graphic. i'm sorry

this week i have had 3 memories from my childhood pop back up and looking back at them with a 25-year-old lens and everything i know about how childhood trauma presents itself, here are some things that i did as a child that my parents thought were perfectly normal.

i destroyed my barbies by chewing on their hands and feet and cutting their hair to make them ugly.

i was afraid to flush the toilet because it would upset the little man who lived in the pipes

since i was 5 i have had a milk phobia...

i ran away once when i was 5/6. and again when i was in grade 2

so yeah. it was all right there, every sign that something had happened to me that my little self couldn't vocalize or explain, it was all right in front of them the whole time. the whole fucking time. they really just thought it was so funny and quirky. and those aren't even the worst things either. My dad told me "as a joke" a few months ago that he always suspected i'd get pregnant in high school with "how sexual i was as a child" like buddy. my guy. that time i kissed you with tongue and you screamed at me when i was 5, that was because your brother was doing that to me when you weren't home. me knowing how sex worked and having sex dreams and humping shit wasn't just a haha funny kid moment it was proof that someone introduced me to sex under your roof!!!! how fucking stupid and careless do you have to be to see that in your child and think it's normal. it's fine. ITS NOT FUCKIGN FINE!!!

its going to make me going fucking insane realizing everything i did as a kid was because of being molested. i don't know how much longer i can live with this guilt and grief. its actually killing me

#tw csa

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n3sta · 2 years

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#allyourfriendsareunhingedtoo All the arguments you're throwing around can be applied to you too haha. Funny how we're the same age but you're so fucking immature. Have you just once tried to do some actual research on the claims you throw around? Like the fact that professionals working in the field of CSA and with people with Pedophilia beg people to not use the word as an insult or a synonym for child abusers (because there is a difference, hon-ey) because it's hurting real live people? It's just one google search away. I swear, it will broaden your horizon. You're clearly educated on your own opinion and those of your friends only. But there are facts out there! ;) you also should stop assuming that all messages come from the jegulus fandom. Never read a jegulus story in my life. My problem is with your backwards views and the harmful behavior. (awaiting your very unhinged hashtags with glee)

it’s discourse im involved in specifically with the jegulus side of marauder era fans and it’s also my account so stop assuming im assuming things pouty face

and you’re repeating the same things others have told me. after having been informed of that info i havent been using that word to specifically address people. making one error in my communication with others does not discredit my arguments though, but ofc you, and all the freaks that have been in my inbox trying to absolutely convince themselves that it’s okay to be involved in that freak show of a fest, have purposefully been overlooking all of that because you have nothing of value to justify it.

#interacting with a fool #jegulus #JEGULUS AGAIN #james potter #regulus black #james x regulus #starchaser #fuckboyregulus #delete your account #marauders #dead dove discourse #hon-ey made me gag what is this pitch perfect #it appears you might be obsessed with me #i have hidden my number somewhere in this response hit me up hon-ey #isn’t being unhinged so sexy xx #come off anon

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c0rpseductor · 2 years

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not to be that guy but i’m thinking about it again after last night and it makes me so angry that boys are raised under conditions of extreme emotional neglect which is reinforced throughout their lives and then as men are encouraged to never reach out and never need comfort or companionship as a result of misogyny, and then people who are ostensibly against misogyny will mock and castigate them relentlessly for trying to speak about or overcome the extraordinary atmosphere of isolation in which they’ve been raised, because it’s “weak,” or as if they should just know better now and fix themselves. or when men clearly have psychological issues because of the way they were raised - not even issues that hurt other people, literally just stuff that only hurts themselves - that’s “funny” too and fuck those guys, they don’t deserve help, they’re toxic for thinking that way.

i think a lot of this is stuff i feel strongly about now just bc of having spoken to other male csa survivors in support groups online. this shit is devastating to them, but it’s something most men have to endure and be raised with (and yes, this does apply to trans men too, believe it or not; a lot of people treat us like Men Lite and don’t think we have issues around this shit, but we absolutely do). it’s just so, like...everyone is fine with weaponizing misogyny against men, even innocent men, and doesn’t stop to think like, “hey, maybe this isn’t doing them OR us any favors, because we’re upholding the standards we’re supposedly so against when it’s convenient for us?”

like by all means you’re free to continue mocking men for having feelings at all or trying to talk about their personal issues because “haha fuck men” or whatever, just don’t pretend it’s in service of Ending Misogyny when you’re literally using misogynist standards to do it.

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la5t-res0rt · 4 years

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Wanted to ask about beetlelyds, sorry, I thought it was technically cannon? Like in the old comics after the show ended she grew up and married him. Sorry I’m an old school fan and have no idea why this whole thing is such a big deal. Wasn’t the actor like 20 too? I’m sorry if I sound very dumb. I’m not used to this new tumblr.

youre fine you are one hundred percent allowed to especially when you do it civilly as you have done here

first of all the biggest issue faced in the whole what is and is not canon debate is the fact that there are three (four if you count the limited comics run) publicized iterations of my media

i will go over each very briefly just kidding this is going to a long answer so i will spare the dashboard with a readmore

there is the movie which im sure you dont need me to explain the plot since youre an old school fan but basically the climax is that yes beetlejuice does go for the marriage angle in exchange for stopping the exorcism of adam and barbara and his motive for this is so that he can cause as much chaos as he wants on the mortal coil but his plan is thwarted when barbara rides a sandworm into the house which promptly eats beetlejuice sending him to bureaucratic death limbo

the end of the movie features the deetz and the maitlands happily living together with lydia havign a new appreciation for her situation and beetlejuice gets his head made real small which is very funny haha

so no in the movie they are not canon editors note the actress who played lydia winona ryder was a teenager while filming the movie she turned 17 the year it released

the next is the cartoon which i will admit has the most grounds for being considered canon but in the end the show is about a middle schooler and her best friend who is a ghost which in itself is a pretty iffy gray area sort of thing but for a childrens cartoon to work a friendship is better than the obvious enemy status they held in the movie

anyway in the cartoon they are potrayed to be very close friends with lydia being the person beetlejuice cares about the most and honestly if you were to watch it with no prior knowledge of the media and if you ignored their massive and obvious age difference than yeah you probably would read it as a romantic relationship

however lydia is a middle schooler and that is simply immoral

there have been writers for the cartoon who have been credited to say that a relationship is what they were trying to invoke but for obvious reasons they couldnt exactly move forward with that angle with them establishing that lydia is a child in middle school and a fully grown adult man dating a child who is in middle school is immoral and also illegal in the united states and in canada

this isnt a good argument for whether or not something is canon and i will tell you why with one simple name and that is luke weber

if you dont know who luke weber is he was a storyboard artist on the cartoon steven universe he is known for making a lot of self ship artwork of him and the character pearl

he worked on the show isnt his material canon no of course it isnt it wasnt put in the actual publication and also if memory serves he was eventually asked to leave the project after he drew art of the shows creator giving him permission to date pearl and calling them her otp and a lot of fans hated this because the most generally accepted interpretation of pearls character is that she is sapphic so a lot of people took issue however that again is just a widely perceived headcanon it is never stated what her actual sexuality is no one in that show is because it isnt a show about that its about wait im getting off topic sorry

what im saying is what can truly be considered canon is what you see on the screen and with the cartoon they are definitely the most friendly with each other and that is why so many people in the beetlebabe shipping community take so much stock in the cartoon because it is the easiest to read the relationship between the mas romantic although that is not what the show actually provides in black and white terms

interpretation does not equal canon and in this case no matter what anyone says the fact remains that in the cartoon itself they are friends good friends yes but friends all the same

it is definitely not a show about a grown man grooming an adult and if it were you definitely shouldn’t be stanning it the extreme because grooming a minor is wrong and it is apparently a problem in the fandom

anyway if the cartoon and the movie are both products of their time and there was more leniency on content bear in mind this was the same era as notorious animation powerhouse and known predator john k who was a showrunner on ren and stimpy and he maintained a relationship with a teenager which was an open secret that nobody really took issue with because in that time being a woman in the animation industry was tricky business and your career could be ended easily if you rejected advances luckily time has moved forward and the animation industry although still full of problems of a similar nature at least people are getting called out and punished for it

you can look more into that yourself its really upsetting though

as for comics i havent been able to find good scans of them and im not willing to purchase them but in my search i never found anything about the two of them ever being married in the cartoon again because she is a child i did find a cover where he appears to be getting married and hes asking lydia to get him out of it but im not sure where the comic actually goes all i know is she is standing off to the side shrugging and looking like she doesnt really care

anyway that brings us to the musical which is set in the modern day

in the original libretto lydia is described as thirteen but since they got an actress who was older in the updated librettos she is listed as 15 and the story is pretty similar to the movie the young girl befriends ghosts and they try to scare her family out etc etc

the major difference between the film and the musical are that lydia and beetlejuice are more like friends like in the cartoon

she summons him to help scare after the maitlands attempt doesnt really work so he shows up and they have fun terrorizing people together however she drops him for the opportunity to perhaps get her mom back but when no one will help she goes back to beetlejuice who tricks her into almost exorcising barbara

she agrees to marry him in order to stop the exorcism and he only wants to get married so he can be alive again and cause problems on the mortal coil like in the movie in the musical he states several times its a green card thing whihc obviously doesnt make it okay but still

anyway lydia tricks him and runs off into the underworld before the wedding can happen blah blah blah she goes back blah blah and she agrees to go through with the wedding to save her friends and family with a plan to make him go away for good

theres a very tongue and cheek song called creepy old guy which points out how wrong the whole thing is but everyone is going along with it in a very comedic matter and it includes the line

i cant believe some cultures think this kind of things alright

basically saying yeah this is very very wrong anyway they do get married and beeltjeuice is alive for like 6 seconds before lydia stabs him to death with bad art and he dies thus nullifying the marriage because death do you part etc

so in the musical no at the end of the show they are not canon because he is dead their marriage is nullified and they go their separate ways

anyway sorry about that i just need to make it very clear that these three properties are all very distinct from each other and basically all three are indeed canon since they are publicized material and arguing the validity of which one is pointless editors note all actresses who played with the exception of dana steingold were minors for the majority of their runs as lydia with sophia ann caruso the originator of the role turning 18 during the run and dana being in her late twenties presley ryan however was a minor the whole time and still is one

tldr no they aren’t canon but to the credit of some people in this fandom their interpretation isnt too far of a stretch thanks to the era and some of the writers wishing to imply a relationship between an adult and a child

i also need to address how this is all a big deal and i suggest you take a peak through my discourse tag and check out @leedia‘s blog to see some of the more harmful things done by beetlebabe shippers

the beetlejuice fandom is home to many minors after the musical came out since musical fandom is vast and the ages of its members varies and normalizing pedophilia is harmful to them not to mention the people who have been effected by sexual harassment at the hands of adults

both sides have victims of csa but one side continues to perpetuate the cycle by showing time and time again that this behavior is normal and easily romanticized in the name of coping and literally anyone who has ever been to a good and credible therapist could tell you that posting cp even if it is simulated cp isnt a really good way to cope and you can get mad at me for saying that its totally fine but and im going to remove my character veil here for just a second as a csa survivor myself i think its harmful to not only myself but many others ok the veil is back down

tldr again there is a lot of bullying and harassment going on with both sides having their own issues but there is one side whos issues run a bit deeper in my humble opinion

thank you for your question it allowed me to talk a lot you are welcome to discuss further with me in dms if you wish i honestly recommend giving the musical a listen because it is very fun and despite what some people say its very clever and if you get a chance to see a boot of it its visually stunning

one last note that i couldnt really fit in here but a large portion of the beetlebabes shipping community ignore the musical because it openly condemns the idea of beeltejuice and lydia having a relationship and a lot of the antis take issue with much of the writing and characterizations of the cartoon just a note that i think is important since were talking about canon

#discourse #long ask #i am so tired #Anonymous

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druggedupdog · 3 years

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about

(copied from carrd)

hey, my name's gabriel. you've reached my trauma/mental health blog. welcome to hell. this is just a blog where i share my thoughts and past and try to make sense of all that's happened to me.

about me... well, i'm a dude (he/him pronouns; cis), i'm white, i'm not a minor (18+), i'm bisexual and i'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. i'm atheist and mentally ill (obviously). i've been professionally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, ptsd, bpd, and i have some psychotic symptoms. i've been through emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse (csa). i'm a former heroin addict and have been sober for some time now. i currently struggle with alcoholism, nicotine addiction (i smoke cigs) and self-harm. i smoke weed on occasion. i'm an exmormon/former member of the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. i'm a scorpio (my birthday is october 30th), my myers-briggs type is isfp and i align myself as chaotic neutral.

personality wise, i'm pretty quiet and i will probably not respond to messages right away. i have a really hard time trusting people and i'm very shy. i'm quite intimidating on the outside (i'm 6'7" irl...) but people i know tell me i'm really nice, understanding, loyal and protective. i tend to be quite sarcastic and i've been known to have a sort of mean streak at times, but i really only act that way if you piss me off or bother me. i have a terrible sense of humor and my maturity level is that of a twelve year old. what can i say, balls and penis are funny words, haha. i'm pretty open to conversation if you want to talk to me about anything, though i know i come off depressive and emo on here.

i do not tag triggers on this blog. nothing against triggers of course, but because of the nature of this blog i just don't think they're necessary.

i also have a faq. feel free to read if you want, but it's not necessary if you want to follow me.

#byf

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gemini-system · 3 years

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If you're a friend or a mutual that cares, please read if you like. Sorry it's a novel long..

TLDR: I have a split personality disorder. Please accept me for who I am. (Though I would really appreciate you reading this)

There's a lot about my battle with mental health that I never told a single soul, despite being an open book pretty much all of the time. There were things even I never told anyone about, or maybe only hinted at, because I either had no name for them and could not explain that, or just plain fear not a single person would believe me, or think that I just wanted attention.

A couple months ago, I met my current boyfriend, and upon opening up cautiously for the second time about these issues, was finally given a name for them, and what I could do to make life easier living with them, and it changed everything. I was originally gonna just drop an explanation in my friends group chat since I haven't talked to them in a long time and wanted to give a life update, but dropping it all just felt like kind of a lot and I still have the anxiety that they won't believe me. So I'm talking here instead (I'll probably link this to them) But I just have to let it all out, and this is my only non-streaming centric account that is not linked back to on any of my videos, so I feel like I can dump it here.

To brass tax:

Starting at the end of middle school, I started developing symptoms of a sister illness to DID (multiple personality disorder). This sister illness is little known about and while it doesn't have a concrete name, some call it Division. Division is when, due to trauma, a set of bottled up emotions, ideas, and anxieties form into a split personality with it's own identity and can manifest in various ways, pretty similar to DID. The thing is with these illnesses, since everyone who has them experiences them differently in their own way, it's hard to know EXACT symptoms. And that, coupled with the fact all my google searches bring up nothing about it, is why I have always feared no one will believe me.

"Why Division? Why not just say you have DID?" I was told, in order to have DID, there must be two separate and distinct personalities from the host. And so I would not qualify because I have only one separate personality. If I am wrong about this, I have no issue with you sending me a polite ask about it, as it would be a lot easier to just say "I have DID" and tell ppl to do their own google search lol.

Fair enough, so why do I have all this anxiety my loved ones won't believe me?

Here is the part where it might get a little cringey to some, but I am an artist and writer, and all my life, art has been the way I express all my feelings and vent things without having to state them outright.

I had always feared being a bad person. From the trauma of the CSA I endured for 2 years, from gaslighting, to my father verbally abusing and threatening me and my mother with physical violence from a young age, I feared being a bad person more than anything else.

Every time I got angry, or talked back, or even just tried to stand up for myself, I feared I was or would become a bad person, and I thought to myself that I just needed to take all of those things I deemed bad, and put them into something or someone else so that I would no longer fear being a bad person. This other thing could be bad so I wouldn't have to "risk hurting people I loved" I had no idea what 'splitting' was or that I was even doing it. And that personality began to form.

As I began to draw more often, my symptoms surfaced simultaneously. "Hearing" thoughts in my head that weren't mine (not really hearing but it's hard to explain), horrible intrusive visions and thoughts, and then finally a little ways down the line swapping with eachother time to time, and another occurrence I call "snapping" where I swap suddenly out of anger or distress and lash out at others or have some kind of meltdown. I learned how to fight and control the swapping, I tried with all my might to make sure no one ever found out I was "crazy". Even my therapists. As for snapping, I couldn't control it, so he mostly came out that way.

I needed to vent through art somehow or I was going to explode. He had named himself, and told me what he looked like, and so I basically started a game of 4D fucking chess and told everyone "this is my new OC haha" and started from there, deciding to take a fan comic I was making, and rework it to put him at the center and make it original. I figured toting him as just a character I created that was important to me was easier than trying to explain or possibly have to prove to people that I had a split personality who was very real, with his own identity. I thought maybe I cold vent without people thinking I was crazy or some kind of special snowflake.

Looking back it's kind of funny because a lot of my venting was pretty on the nose with hints all over, so I'm surprised if at least one person didn't pick up on it lol. At one time during a breakdown, I even tried to explain that "Jet is mean and starting to scare me" and then realized my friends confusion as they reassured me he was a fictional character I made up. Which totally wasn't their fault because I totally dug that hole myself. I just felt a compulsive need to hide everything I was really going through.

For those who know about the character Jet, you may be a bit concerned because he is written to be a serial killer, but from years of writing development, Let me tell you, he is very overwritten and the Jet from the story is pretty different now from the "real" Jet in my head. If he wanted to actually end someone he would have done it by now and landed my ass in prison. He's mostly just a bully and goblin.

This post is already years long, so I won't bore you with our life story, especially if you think I'm making it all up. So here's my conclusion.

I hope you believe me, and accept me for who I am. This is the full and honest truth, and is a huge part of me that I just don't want to hide anymore. I want to be able to talk about my experience without sugar coating and leaving out information. I like being an open book, and this secret has been killing me. It took a lot of courage to type this all out to the world. I wouldn't mind telling you about our life together, what he's really like, and all the things I've learned from this strange, stressful, and sometimes wonderful journey.

If you don't believe me, that's fine. You can call me a liar, or say I'm delusional, or leave me. I'll never talk about it to you again, and I can just keep hiding it around you. I truly hope you realize that this is my truth.

Thank you for your time.

#very personal #squiddy talks #gonna post and pray

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c0rpseductor · 2 years

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i think that it is sooo. funny haha silly hilarious. that people keep telling me “you could have OCD” and it makes me panic because one of the really difficult like issues i have and fixate on is about having a specific variety of OCD bc i feel like it would make me a Bad Person. i dont want to elaborate obviously but god.

i got really upset about it the other day and started looking into the diagnostic criteria and symptoms of ocd and i always told myself like, “i can’t have OCD because i have no compulsions,” and that was my way of calming myself down about it, but apparently if you don’t physically act on it but instead have to go through a whole mental ritual of negating the intrusive thought somehow, that’s a compulsion! which is. fucking cool i guess. and i guess there’s a sort of association with csa, like csa increases your likelihood of developing OCD. so.

i still want to say i don’t think i have OCD. 1. i would prefer not to have it, 2. i would prefer not to have it Really very Much, 3. i cannot keep guessing at shit that might be wrong with me i am not a doctor, 4. is it not enough to think i have one severe mental illness, 5. I Refuse To Entertain The Possibility. it’s just frustrating because i’m having this creeping fear of having OCD again but i can’t dismiss it as easily because i can’t just say “i don’t have compulsions” because apparently i do! FUCK.

#my new rule will have to be that i dont think i do this for an hour or more every day.#and also that they can't be intrusive thoughts or compulsions if i'm not diagnosed because then i don't have ocd.#actually thats genius. GOTTEM.

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vladimir-nabokov-official · 4 years

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class-struggle-anarchism replied to your quote “Nabokov was the writer, the first writer, whom I read who made me feel...”

it's funny, I've never really enjoyed Sontag's writing, and now I can see it as an american's attempt to write like Nabokov, it makes sense. Not that she isn't a great writer, it's just that effort in making every sentence quotably profound that get's tiring... Nabokov does it in a free and natural way that nobody can imitate

completely agree. when i first started reading sontag in “against interpretation” i found reading her work took such a long time because i was anxious i’d miss even any semblance of meaning or reference exactly because her sentences were so well-crafted. it’s like… in the sentence drawing attention to itself there’s this fear that you’ve somehow missed something more discreet that makes reading her a lot of work, only to be compounded by the fact that her sentences do read fluidly. it’s a strange relationship.

and because nobody can imitate him is why a pale imitation like martin amis (who is forever claiming kinship with VN) is quite irritating, haha. he just can’t fill up a sentence like VN can: to make it one moment so fun and then in another something else entirely. i would recommend sontag’s fiction (“the volcano lover” and “in america”!) if you’ve not read it, CSA? she’s more relaxed there it feels, less deliberately aphoristic.

#class-struggle-anarchism

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redjaybathood · 5 years

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What are the things you like about Jason's character?

Fuck if I know. I’m like a duckling, imprinted on him after reading a fic or two - yeah, I’m that kind of fan, who reads fanfiction and only after that goes to the source.

I mean, I was a Marvel girl before; I knew DC only through cartoons and Smallville and very occasionally watching CW’s shows. I wouldn’t touch DC comics because I thought they’re boring. I like regular human drama with my superheroes, you know? And DC didn’t seem to be able to provide that. Superman, Batman, they kinda took themselves too seriously to the point of it being silly, it seemed. Shows what I knew!..

And now, here I am.

I know Jason is a very controversial character, adored by one group of fans, hated by another, a few don’t care about him at all (the horror!). I know his characterization… differs, from writer to writer. So if you’re asking about what personality traits I like in Jason, that’s not what it is about, for me. It’s about the core of his story: being alone, finding that one person you grow to trust and love so completely, and then losing it all, along with what came to be your identity - and moving the fuck on, with varying success.

Though, I also genuinely like how Jason is in RHATO - some aspects of it, at least. I like that despite his past, even before Bruce, he doesn’t hide from life. He puts himself out there. In my opinion, it’s harder to do when it’s not one traumatic thing, like with Bruce or Dick, but systematic abuse and general fucked-upness of life, how it was with Cass and, to a lesser extent, Tim.

I know, for many fans, him being a killer is a deal-breaker. Many fic writers, for example, prefer to ‘rehabilitate’ him. I’m fine with him when he doesn’t kill anymore - if he does it for his own good, his mental health, and not because it’s more moral. I’m also fine if he does kill. In fact, it makes more sense to me than catch and release game other heroes have going on.

He’s also very fucking awkward even and especially when he tries to pretend he’s not. Lobdell writes him like that, and now, I don’t know if it’s what he intended, in New-52, or he just writes so bad it’s good type of stuff, but I like that type of layered characters: hard shell of aloofness and coolness and lone-wolfness that is a total marshmallow underneath and yet with a core of steel underneath the mushy stuff.

I like that he’s a survivor. Life on the streets, for one, but more than that. It’s not explicitly stated in comics, but we got various hints, and it would just make sense, Jason being a CSA survivor. I like reading about children growing up somewhat and taking justice in their own hands, or at least being badass enough that it won’t happen to them again, or to anyone, if they can help it. It’s not something I can say about myself, so call it my wish-fulfilment fantasy. Though it’s funny to think about him that way, because, on the first glance, his modern version reads as a wish-fulfillment fantasy for young men - you know what I mean?.

Unhealthy family dynamics and the potential that will never be fulfilled. His family relationships, - and I don’t really mean Willis or Catherine or Sheila, - they are messed up. Which, I love reading about. I mean, RHATO #25 is what got me so into Jason Todd fandom.

Also, I read Jason as asexual (haha like you can’t tell from the headline of this blog). It makes me even more invested in reading his story, because romantic voes never will be at the center of his story, and thank god for that.

So, TL;DR, I appreciate the amount and the quality of drama this boy brings to the table, and he resonates with me like no other character in DC.

#jason todd #asks

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cookinguptales · 7 years

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update: lmao I am so fucking doped up right now. sorry to the world that I got behind on shimamatsu translations, but have you ever tried to translate while on muscle relaxants? it’s a bad scene. god, I’m in a lot of pain rn.

gonna talk about some of the movies from the film festival below the cut. doped up af but I’ve seen like 14 movies so far, hella. tomorrow I probably have to skip bc I just took two cyclos and that is gonna fuck me the hell up.

movies I’d recommend:

thelma a norwegian film which is basically a coming-of-age story for a fundie christian girl who goes to college and realizes she’s a lesbian. oh, and that she has insane supernatural powers. (it’s kind of carrie-ish but with canon f/f, but imo a lot better than carrie.) the love story is really interesting, if incredibly dark. like if you’re in the mood for dark, kind of mindfuck-y f/f, this is your film. despite the very long upcoming list of potential triggers, it’s not as scary or brutal as it sounds. lmao. highly recommended, probably the film I’ve enjoyed most so far. (tw: violence, nudity, drug use, death, [spoilers] child abuse, possible mind control, child death)

custody a french film based on a short film that I saw a few years ago, and it’s fantastic and gut-wrenching. the short film was about a woman running away from her abusive husband with her children; this feature-length film is about what happens when a stupid judge ignores what both the wife and children have to say and gives him joint custody. (spoilers: it doesn’t end well.) interestingly, it has all the same cast as the original short film, though the kids are markedly older. idk if it’s meant to be a straight sequel or if one just inspired the other. really well done, tho, I was fuckin white-knuckling it in the theater. people were like. yelling. the climax of that film is INTENSE. probably the best quality film we’ve seen so far, though I think the plot could’ve been tightened up a little. (tw: very explicit depictions of physical and emotional abuse, very terrifying moments. [spoilers] but no child death.)

I, Tonya tonya harding biopic. I’m not really a big one for biopics, but this was a good one. it tried to explain how harding’s life led her to where she got, but didn’t necessarily paint her as some innocent victim. it was sympathetic where it needed to be, empathetic where it needed to be, but rarely let her get away with bullshit. lot of good performances here, but Margot Robbie (even though she looked way too old for the part) did a great job. (tw: explicit child/spousal abuse)

the villainess Korean lady-gets-revenge-on-shitty-men bloody action flick. not really my genre, admittedly, but I feel like anyone who likes this kind of movie would really enjoy this one. very Kill Bill-esque. it’s the story of this girl who basically gets passed around between illicit assassination organizations, in-fighting, revenge on all those who wronged her, etc. it is Very Bloody and many people die. the action scenes are HQ if you are into that kind of thing. I was mostly invested in the huge amounts of f/f potential. like at one point she joins an assassin organization where all the operatives are female and that whole part of the movie!! was very gay!! the actual canon relationships are het, but there is a strong potential for dark f/f murderwives here. (tw: haha oh boy if it’s a problem it’s probably here. implied CSA, child abuse, creepy relationships, violence, gore, nudity, child death, everyone else death, non-con facial surgery...like it’s bloody af okay...)

love means zero this is a documentary about nick bollettieri, who’s this super famous tennis coach. (apparently.) I knew next to nothing about the world of professional tennis going into this documentary, but I still enjoyed it bc wtf this guy is a piece of work. it’s basically all about how he fucked over a ton of people (especially kids) when he was trying to make tennis champions. and how he succeeded! by fucking over a ton of people! the interviews with him are honestly kind of wild bc he’s just such a crazy narcissist. this was especially weird for me to watch bc I grew up in the sarasota/bradenton area and never even knew all this shit was going on there. it was weird seeing my hometown on the screen like that, but also interesting. (tw: child abuse, just generally being a fuckboi)

MOVIES THAT WERE OKAY but like I had Issues

brimstone and glory I feel like I really recommend going out to see this one if you can see it on the big screen. it’s a documentary about a fireworks festival in Mexico and honestly the cinematography is stunning. it’s just so, so, so cool. but the actual documentary part is kind of boring sometimes, and you gotta have a strong stomach bc it also shows some of the injuries people get at this insane festival. like I don’t think showing that is a bad thing; I think it’s the only responsible way to make a documentary about this festival. like it’s amazing, it’s so cool, but also these people are like. going blind, losing hands, dying. and taking their kids!! like if you cannot handle watching kids in dangerous situations, don’t go!! dad was freaking out, lmao. (tw: graphic depiction of real-life injuries)

radiance a Japanese film about a woman who writes audio description for blind movie-goers. the same director made An (Sweet Bean Paste) a couple years ago, which was notable for its depiction of what Japan does to its citizens who have Hansen’s Disease. (leprosy.) it was weird to me when that movie came out that none of the reviewers really talked about that aspect of the movie; they were all like “UGH IT WAS SO POINTLESS AND CLOYING” and I’m like “did you miss the point of the movie?? which was critiquing the social ostracization of these people in Japanese society??? did that completely go over your heads????” anyway, I appreciated the depiction of PWD in Japan bc having lived there while disabled, I know that shit isn’t easy. that’s why I went to go see radiance. it was...okay? I think the most interesting part was when they let the blind characters talk. the movie was otherwise pretty pretentious and self-indulgent. lmao. like... it’s a rent, don’t buy situation.

marlina the murderer in four acts this movie was not bad! it’s an indonesian film about a woman whose home is invaded and she kills all the invaders. it’s definitely a film that critiques misogyny in indonesian culture, but I feel like it undercut its own message by showing such incredibly graphic rapes. like honestly, I don’t really ever recommend movies that have very graphic rape scenes, but I guess she does end up killing her rapists during the rape scenes. I just. I feel like it could have been done in a way that won’t get people all sexually excited while watching a violent rape. : / y’know? other than that, though, I really liked the female characters in the movie and sympathized with marlina’s journey trying to get society to help her and realizing she had to just go it alone with her female friends. bc like. she’s attacked by men, but she’s also revictimized by shitty ordinary men all the time she’s trying to get to town, report the attack, etc. and so are the other female cahracters. so they just. have to be vigilantes. (tw: GRAPHIC rape, violence, mild gore, spousal abuse)

newton Indian film about a guy going out to the jungle to get votes in the main election. but like. none of the people out there even know who the candidates are, there’s a lot of anti-government violene, the villagers are caught between anarchists and the police, it’s just a mess. and I do think the movie was good at showing the futility of it all and showing how the people who really end up getting fucked over are the poor people in rural areas, but at the same time like. pacing was uneven, tone was ???, and I found the protagonist irritating. and there was what appeared to be some pasted on het which made no sense. (like honestly I cannot figure out why she ever wanted to talk to his dumb ass again.)

blade of the immortal it’s takashi miike making blade of the immortal. I mean. I feel like if you are familiar with those names, you already know if you want to see it or not. if you aren’t, idk how much you’d like it anyway. after already having watched miike’s ace attorney adaptation, I sense a pattern. the guy just looks at a HUGE corpus (like a VG with 5 cases, or a manga with 40 volumes) and is like “welll....then I guess we better make things fast.” so you have Big Bads being introduced in the same breath that they get killed, 30-second backstories, just a frenetic pace and a huge amount of information, and it’s confusing and overwhelming if you don’t already know it. and honestly, I haven’t read BotI so I can’t say how faithful this was. but if you already love the characters and just want miike’s trademark bloody action flick style, then I mean. fair enough. this here’s a bloodbath. I had a hard time getting emotionally invested as a fresh viewer, tho. highlight of the evening: an old man walking out grumbling about how he only likes classy martial arts movies, and apparently this did not qualify. having seen a lot of classics of the martial arts genre, still unsure what a “classy” martial arts film looks like. (tw: offscreen rape, death, blood, gore, just an unreasonable amount of killing honestly like it was funny by the end, attempted CSA)

gemini this is a “neo-noir” thriller. so essentially a murder mystery. unfortunately, the title of the movie basically gives away the entire story lmao. so while the build-up wasn’t bad, the entire last 15-20 minutes of the movie are a total letdown. it was nice to see canon f/f, I guess, but I feel like the movie never went in hard enough on that. like were they trying to make a point about how hard it is for celebrities to have same-sex relationships? I’m not sure!! I can think of a lot of things that would make this plot more interesting, but they just didn’t do them. acting was fine, I guess. John Cho was in it, even if his character was pointless. Zoe Kravitz is always fun. (tw: I mean it’s a murder mystery. so...murder.)

DID NOT ENJOY

scaffolding (israeli film, boring af)

the workshop (french film, kind of boring, makes questionable points about neo-nazis)

#haha I'm dying squirtle #if anyone wants a full review on any of these I'd be happy to #these are just some hot takes #i tonya #thelma #custody #the villainess #love means zero #brimstone and glory #radiance #marlina the murderer in four acts #newton #blade of the immortal #gemini #scaffolding #the workshop

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