i am as intrigued by memory loss laudna as the next person but i am honestly way more interested in laudna reckoning with the fact that she can now live for herself now, if delilah is gone.

laudna’s life is split into two: before her death and after her death. laudna even says that whitestone “felt like a different life”, that the events that took place didn’t feel like it happened to her, it felt like someone else (which is a whole other bag of worms into coping and trauma response and mechanisms of defense - but, for another time). the only time that line is blurred is with delilah and laudna’s own view of herself. laudna thinks she’s just a puppet, a vessel for delilah to take over at any moment. no part of herself is in her control fully, because the woman who killed her is living inside of her, leeching from her. after the “you were never alive” fiasco, laudna wonders if there was always some part of her that was just meant to be a puppet for someone else, even before her death. laudna’s wrecked sense of self because of delilah’s direct influence and manipulation makes her believe she is barely a person. she has no agency, no future, and no way out. and, at the crux of it all, because she is only sort-of living and not really herself, she makes her purpose to give herself entirely to someone else. laudna is not living for herself, because what is there to live for?

so i would truly truly love for her to go through a path where she realizes she is truly alive, where she has agency, and where she now has to deal with the fact that she can start living for herself. that she has a whole family who loves her. that she has to learn how to reconcile her past with a future that is now available to her. i want to see her deal with trauma she felt she could never escape but now she can. i want to see her heal and grow and learn how to live for herself.

Naminé & Roxas Are Twins

(this meta was inspired by @violethowler's Constructing Kingdoms series on YT)

In KH2, the relationship between Sora & Roxas is seemingly paralleled with that of Naminé & Kairi. It is explained by characters in-game that Naminé, a Nobody, must have been created by Kairi's presence in Sora's Heart during KH1. Thusly is it concluded that Naminé must be the Nobody of Kairi, another facet of that Princess of Heart.

Except... Kairi is a Princess of Heart: a being of pure light, without any Darkness of her own. It is physically impossible for Naminé to be Kairi's Nobody.

At no point has Kairi exhibited the capacity to hold Darkness. Kairi's lack of Darkness is, arguably, one of the major reasons for her lack of combat prowess: without "darkness" of her own, Kairi is unable to feel the selfishness needed to hurt others. This is a small, fundamental kind of Darkness that all living things carry: without it, a Princess of Heart is all too essily incapacitated by selflessness.

Naminé isn't (can't) be Kairi's Nobody: she, like Roxas, is a Nobody of Sora & Ventus. Naminé and Roxas are twins.

Roxas and Naminé are unlike any other Nobody within the KH setting: they alone were capable of developing "selfhood", independently from their Hearts of origin. This is due to the many unique circumstances of their birth: Sora's self-sacrifice in KH1. That event featured multiple oddities likely to affect Sora's Heart, Heartless & the Nobodies created: self-sacrifice (love); heartlessness via keyblade; the specific keyblade used (the Keyblade of [People's] Hearts); the origin of said keyblade (Riku the ???, the person Sora likely loved most at the time); the presence of Kairi, a Princess of Heart, within Sora's Heart; the presence of Ventus, an artificial "Princess of Heart"; the location of the sacrifice (Ansem's Lab in Hollow Bastion, a World fallen to Darkness)... and likely even more factors, known & as yet unaddressed.

As twin Nobodies to Sora's Heartless, Roxas & Naminé were affected by all variables noted above. Sora has been the Host of several Hearts for his entire life: that makes him special, even before Riku chose Sora to be a keyblade wielder. I venture that the Heart most relevant to Naminé's birth was not Kairi's but Ven's: for where Roxas most resembles Sora in disposition, Naminé resembles Ventus-without-Vanitas. Kairi's presence within Sora's Heart had effects, yes, but less than perhaps understood.

The misunderstanding, I argue, comes largely from Kairi's longterm role of "Designated Female": as the lone KH-original female for much of KH's early development (& popularity), Kairi is often considered a "default option" with regards to all things feminine. This feeds not only into assumptions of a Kairi-focused love triangle but also into an overinflation of Kairi's presence in the story.

As with Xion, Naminé's true identity is obscured, in-game & within fandom, by her gender: "Xion & Naminé are female; the only female in proximity to this plotline is Kairi: Xion & Naminé must therefors be derivative personas of Kairi".

Here, as always, Kairi serves as a convenient "default" of femininity, misdirecting players and characters from the queer potential within KH. It is wholly believed, by Sora & the girls in question, that Naminé was Kairi's Nobody. Yet, it is never Kairi whose story and character is most expanded by Naminé's involvement: Naminé's story is, instead, a follow-up to that of BBS's Ventus.

Kairi struggles with a forgotten past, loss & a resistance to change (of "growing up"). Naminé, in parallel & in contrast, experiences the kind of life that Kairi has forgotten: [medical abuse], extortion & isolation. Naminé's time with Organization XIII & with DiZ mirrors that of VEN's with Master Xehanort (&, to a lesser degree, with Master Eraqus).

Kairi's history as a test subject of Xehanort &, possibly, of Ansem the Wise? She's forgotten it and, outside of Melody of Memories, we never get to see how it affected her.  Kairi's Ambiguously Traumatic Past is only ever used for her in her role as "MacGuffin" (i.e. an object of plot importance & no other story-relevant function, one that is ultimately interchangeable with). Kairi's story barely affects Naminé's & Naminé's doesn't affect Kairi's either: the characters most changed by Naminé's character arc were Sora & Riku. This further alludes to Naminé not truly originating from Kairi's Darkness but from Sora-Ven.

The duality of Sora-Ven is reflected in Sora's producing two distinct ("twin") Nobodies during KH1. Roxas is most reflective of Sora but physically looks like Ventus; Naminé is most reminiscent of Ventus-without-Vanitas but (allegedly) "looks like Kairi": this does not occur in the Nobodies of other hybrid-beings, as evident in Xemnas (Terra & Xehanort) & Xigbar (Braig & Luxu). In this way, Naminé & Roxas are more akin to Xion than most every other Nobody.

Ignoring the gender binaries (canonically used & assumed in-universe), the characters that Naminé actually resembles are Ventus (who I propose as Naminé's "primary" origin) & Xion (another artificial being with Sora Origins).

Narratively & thematically, Naminé's arc from CoM to KH2 was a continuation of Ven's story in Birth By Sleep. Both characters are strongly tied to themes of isolation, abusive authority figures, and artificial life. While other characters - Xion, Repliku & Terra-Xehanort - also explore these themes, Kairi notably does not.

I will note that Naminé does not NEED to be Kairi's Nobody to act as her narrative foil: I just find that identifying Naminé with Kairi is buying into the very same (false) Binaric Gender Roles that CoM, Days & (to a lesser extent) BBS sought to poke holes in. Tiny, easily mistranslated-into-nonexistence holes but holes nonetheless. Attempting to conflate Naminé with Kairi is to give the latter character more narrative presence than she truly has, in an effort to reconcile the two together beyond "similarly aged females in proximity to KH's plot".

"I know we couldn't leave her in the asylum," Ruu said, "but did anyone think how the poor woman would feel about being surrounded by strange men in Mando armor?" "But we're not the Death Watch," Besany said. She'd fallen into the role of alpha female by virtue of being Ordo's wife. "We're not the ones who killed her family." - Imperial Commando: 501st

This quote is one of the reasons why the entire Republic Commando book series makes me so furious when I’m not focused on Vau, Mird, Deltas or Atin. The female characters, while having a lot of potential to develop, are ultimately not treated with respect by the narrative or even by some male characters, and it is not about an existing conflict of interest that has arisen between them. I mean the moments where Besany is described as Alpha Female (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean in alleged gender neutral mandalorian society) leading other women when men aren't around. Not because, as a former agent of the Republic Treasury Audit Division, she had the appropriate abilities to do so, such as keeping a cool head in difficult situations (established in TZ and TC), self-confidence or even ordinary kindness when she took someone under her wing, so that this person would feel accepted / safe in a new - not always friendly - environment (as in the case of Corr). Instead, she is called the Alpha Female and is the leader "by virtue of being Ordo's wife". Which, excuse me, is shitty reason as hell. Disrespectful toward her as a person and toward other women whose supposed role and worth is now based on their husbands' social hierarchy? Like what, Laseema wouldn’t be a good leader in times of need because Atin is not the favorite son of Skirata? Or Etain, if she survived, because of Darman’s position in Kal’s list of fav boys?  That is the logic of the narrative?

(I mean, there is a chance I'm reading it wrongly, and Besany simply felt she need take charge at what is happening as a way to help Ordo, as the gesture of sharing the burden of responsibility but the text doesn't frame it that way for me.)

And what is even more irking? The whole narrative oh, she is the Alpha Female! Look how awesome she is, when being put in charge! But then never even seen anywhere truly close the "war council" that makes all vital decisions? You know, the one mentioned by book as "The usual war council was assembled-Skirata, Vau, Gilamar, Ordo's brothers, and Jusik." Sure, so great fucking Alpha Female, the queen of kitchen or whatever she is doing now in between the rare moments when IC: 501st remember she exist still. Riiiight.

(Just to be clear, Skirata, Vau and Gilamar, as the Mando veterans and the most experienced men make perfect sense and in truth, a lot of major issues were usually discussed/argued between Kal and Walon first and foremost, with input from Ordo and Jusik. But their decisions were affecting all the members of the clan, especially in regard to Jedi. But if being Ordo’s wife by virtue puts her in charge - or demands from her to act as leader, then her lack there is really disturbing. Even Ruu Skirata talked more about mandalorian politics with her dad than Besany doing anything more prominent than being in the kitchen and watching when boys played? I admit, I may be missing something important so feel free to correct me as I’m lately doing research focused mainly at Vau and his “kids” (including Mird) so Besanny could slip away from my memory. But regardless I think my point will still stand, as women of RepCom deserve better than being gutted out of their previous established traits and sadly turned into mindless wives or waiting to be married with another clone / Jusik (don’t even let me start about Arla Fett 😡)

*drops in here*

You're into 9-1-1 too?!

(also I feel you on the memory issue my brain is currently fried)

*picks you up cuz ya shouldnt just be dropped thats MEAN! who dropped my friend?!*

I LOVE 9-1-1- !! Where dya think I got the name Evan from! I used to use Buck as a shorterning of the name Buckley for,,,,reasons. Now its Buck short for Buckshot, But evan is one of my favourite names that I use! The new series has already made me cry and we're only two episodes in. I keep seeing everyone getting really upset about coma!Buck and I dont understand it, I think it was done correctly and so personally. People really focus on love like its a one-sided romantic thing and 9-1-1 taking the twist on that to focus on the fact that Buck saved Bobby because in all honesty, Buck showed Bobby what it was like to love again and not only love himself again but to love a child who never had that father figure.

Buck figuring out to be happy. He just has to be buck. and Buck will always BE ENOUGH BECAUSE HE IS HIM! Is so fucking important. Being told something youre entire life/something that alters you entire life, like how buck was nothing but spare parts that screwed up, has so affect on a person. Buck started to believe that, the villian of his coma dream being his own anxiousness/inability to accept that he's enough and that he doesnt have to fix everything and that he didnt fail his brother or his family, he was just a child.

I have to rewatch the episode to get like a GOOD grasp on it because I spent half the time sobbing over it. But I am kinda glad we didnt get Buddie this episode. We got the fire fam mourning someone who now is such an intergral part of it, it doesn't feel whole. Sure eddie was the one who outwardly mourned the most [not counting bobby here because god I have never wanted to just cry more] Maube ill do a breakdown on the episode and see the hate fill my inbox because Im happy that they focused on fathers and on familys and on moving on.

The entire theme of closure in that episode and closure not being like a one and done thing- its omething that takes time and is gonna hurt and youre gonna feel like youre pulling teeth and its gonna feel hopeless and useless and terrified but at the same time its gonna be so rewarding at least a little bit, small things like bucks mother measuring the floor for a counch so her son is comfortable NOT so his house looks complete mean so much to people who have had parents/caregivers not care or not outwardly show them love. Chim lettign his father stay a few more days because he knows that the relationship the two of them have is shattered, he doesnt wanna pass that onto Jee. He may be her father but that doesn't mean that she has to get his rage in her bloodstream. Trauma shouldnt be passed down through generations, but it is. But its also possible to stop that cycle.

as someone whose had a relationship with his mother much like chim and his father. Seeing the "I dont forgive you but im not going to make my daughter hate you the way I do. She isn't me, I am not her." is so heartbreakingly calming. Moving on isn't always accceptance. Sometimes its just, getting used to their presence again.

aloe :   how does your muse handle grief ? (Kunsel)

𝘉𝘖𝘛𝘈𝘕𝘐𝘊𝘈𝘓 𝘏𝘌𝘈𝘋𝘊𝘈𝘕𝘖𝘕𝘚

Kunsel doesn't know how to let go, and it's been apparent ever since he was a child.

Absence isn't something unfamiliar to him -- it takes over most of his memories of his father, entirely swallowed by his work at Shin-Ra's labs, but there is something about it that leaves him restless.

People leave, yes, but they have to come back. ( In one way or another. )

A General Affairs officer was the one to break the news, a letter to be delivered personally, waiting on him and his mother.

Ushered to another room, told to stay inside... but he couldn't help to listen in, brown eyes focused entirely on the black suit standing there, unaffected by his mother's crumbling visage.

There was an accident, and Anselmo Zantos had died. His body could not be recovered. What remains of his belongings would be returned in due time. As part of Shinra's severance package and accident policy, they would be allowed to continue living in their current Shinra issued housing.

No questions, no answers, they were to accept this as it was presented to them. This was the truth, thinking otherwise would fall under conspiracy-led thinking, and could have their worker-relation privileges revoked -- if not have them outright charged criminally.

But there was something about not seeing the body, of being told but not shown, that crept into his head and made a nest in it, resting on the already established branches of distrust and frustration towards the company. There had to be more to it, secrecy that ran so deep it made him sick, he had to know what really happened.

Paranoia, as well, had found home in his heart: he'd grown overly attached, needed to know every move his mother made, became controlling and clinging to what few friends he did have at school, jealous and unreasonable -- all borne from a lack of safety, the thought that there's a chance that once people leave his field of vision they'll be gone for good. This gets better with time, his mother doing her best to accommodate him until she gave up and put him through therapy... but it never really went away.

Five years pass, he's thirteen and dumb, entirely naive to the commitment he would be taking on, but it seemed like the easiest way to get close to the information he wanted: against his mother's wishes, he successfully applies for the SOLDIER program. It is an entirely reckless and impulsive decision brought on by a chance encounter during one of Shinra's many school fair presentations, but he had to know what happened, had to find out.

... He never does, the closer he got, the more questions would rise, some things hidden too well for even him to find.

Over the years, in what would just be another manifestation of his clinging behavior, Kunsel grows somewhat apathetic towards others, a necessary sense of disconnect to spare himself the heartache -- he is not shocked or surprised that Genesis deserted with a collection of Seconds and Thirds, merely curious as to why. More questions, more digging, never any answers.

( That's the son of a Shin-Ra scientist for you.                  Never satisfied with what he knows. )

But as much as he may try to be apathetic, at his core he's a people person, he craves connection and the biggest tell on his true nature would be his involvement in the mentorship program and ultimately how much he smothers Zack with reminders and notes, whom he genuinely grew to consider his best friend, someone whose personality shone so bright it felt like basking in the sun of a Costan summer. Unfortunately, this does lend to him often times leaning into his obsessive nature, but it comes from a place of affection.

And with the SOLDIER program crumbling around them, his workload increasing, cracks in Shin-Ra's foundation becoming more and more apparent... when Zack disappears, his friend too declared dead, Kunsel feels something disconnect in his mind. He doesn't even think to question that Sephiroth and everyone else were declared dead as well, accepting it at face value, entirely wrapped up in trying to figure out what happened to Zack and Zack alone. He's entirely in denial of it, trauma and uncertainty brought on by Shin-Ra constantly using SOLDIER's being KIA as a cover for something else, and although part of his thought process is irrational, when did grief ever care for logic?

( Part of him wondered if he wasn't purposefully narrowing his scope.    Protecting himself from answers he wouldn't like. )

He wouldn't let go, no matter how much time went on -- and instead, he'd crawl his way to a higher vantage point, do what he could to get closer to the Science Department, anything to get a single glimpse or note of what could've happened in Nibelheim.

With grief, Kunsel throws himself into denial and into his work, be it his involvement with the SOLDIER program or his incessant search for the 'truth' in whatever shape it may come.

It cannot be understated how much better his work ethic and behavior became once Zack was out of the picture, seemingly finally taking his job with the seriousness it warranted, and after a while he's set on the path to a promotion he doesn't particularly care for -- but Shin-Ra's running out of poster boys, and his interests aren't a consideration when it comes to the good of the company  image.

TCF HEADCANON

[Being alive is the best, isn't it?]

Part 1

Part 2

—You really did well. You completely change the fate of this world.

Cale scowling when the first thing he heard after his conscious awake was that annoying voice. He didn't open his eyes just yet, because he knew he was still in a dream. Just like any dream he has after fainting for a long time. Because if not, he pricely would hear the children's voices. Often, it was their crying voices. It was not pleasant to hear, of course. But at least, that voices made him know, there was someone waiting for him; everyone still here and did not leave him by himself. Because of their voices, he knew he was not alone when he opened his eyes.

—You're a very amazing human. You go beyond my expectations every so often. Tell me, a human who changes the fate. What do you want as a reward for changing this world's fate?

Cale sighed. He planned to just ignore this voice until he woke up from his dream, but his mouth immediately said something after he heard what that annoying voice had asked. "Just don't bother me and everyone I know ever again. Your voice's very annoying, you see." Unfortunately, it looks like his curse just made that voice feel pleased, because it is now laughing so hard and makes Cale's ears feel sore.

—I know you will say it. But you will not wake up from this dream before we finish our talk.

"That annoying god..." Cale cursed under his breath before he opened his eyes. He then found himself in a familiar room. So familiar that it makes him freeze when memories come to his mind as he finds himself sitting up in that chair—the chair that was Kim Rok Soo's own when he was very weak, without any first grade abilities years ago.

—I will let you talk to the ones you miss the most for a short time. This is my gift for your hard work. So don't hate me so much, alright?

Cale's heart beat faster when he heard what that god was saying. He can't even focuses on the last sentence that god gave before the voice really disappears. He couldn't move himself as the emotions filled him. Talk to the ones he misses the most? He very well knows who the god refers to, and it makes him filled with excitement; but on the other hand, felt hesitation and anxiety too.

Cale knew, their deaths weren't his fault nor themselves. He knew they were happy now. But to talk to them again? He felt his mind gone blank and he didn't know where all the words he always had for them when he reminiscing disappeared. But when he heard footsteps behind him, he cursed with the fact that god didn't even let him think about what to say. Cale clenched his fist before letting it go and sighed once again. He turned up and saw very familiar faces greet him with a wide smile on their lips.

"Is this you now, Rok Soo?" Lee Soo Hyuk is the first one who greeted him. Cale can see Choi Jung Soo behind him but didn't say anything while his face shows how surprised he is right now. Their appearances are the same as the last time Cale saw them—not with their wound and blood of course, but the ages and styles they used were the same as that time, before that accident destroyed everything. Cale then finally realized that in this dream, he is in Cale's body. The one he lives on right now. Cale nodded while seeing the two men finally in front of him.

They first checked Cale's outfit and appearance because it was very different from what it had in their world. Choi Jung Soo pinch his nose and cheeks before pulling his long red hair. It was very annoying and Cale couldn't help but slap that rascal's hand out of his head. Lee Soo Hyuk laughed so hard because of that, but Choi Jung Soo just smirked, "Now I know this is really you. No one can be this rude to other people except you."

All anxiety and hesitation disappeared in just a few seconds in Cale's heart. They really are still the same as before; so-called annoying hyungs that Cale knows so well. Cale snorting and rolling his eyes because of what Choi Jung Soo said. He wanted to protest, but Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo grabbed his shoulders before he could do that. Their eyes glimmering and there is a cheeky smile in their lips, "So what kind of mess did you pull until you can make a deal with literal god, Rok Soo?"

That question makes Cale frown deeper. From their choice of words, it makes him like the one who causes trouble all over the world. No, he didn't do it, didn't he? He just wants to live a peaceful life, but it looks like the world and gods hating him and dragged him into trouble every so often. He snorted, "I never want to make a deal with that annoying god. It just drag me as it pleased."

Cale didn't realize that his face right now formed a very cute face for Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo. Soo Hyuk laughed again and Jung Soo joined in. Their hands roaming in Cale's cheeks and pinch it as they realize with this Kim Rok Soo's new appearance, Cale really seems very young, and they are his big hyungs with longer gap ages.

"Have you been well?" Cale turned toward Jung Soo again after finally success getting away from their irritating grasp. Cale can see affection in his eyes before the man hides his hand in his jeans pockets. "It is so unfair that Soo Hyuk-hyung had met you before me. Aren't I your hyung too??" Choi Jung Soo pouting, but Cale just frowned with act the man pulled. He sighed before answering, there was a few seconds pause in his voice, "I... have been well."

"Have you met another person that can save your ass when you're getting into trouble in your world, Rok Soo?" Lee Soo Hyuk pulled another question with a smirk in his lips, but Cale knows better that Soo Hyuk really means that question. He wants to know if Cale has someone he can trust and lean on in his new world.

His mind immediately remembered everyone that filled his days from the day he became Cale Henituse. He is now wondering how they have been when he was unconscious and has anyone got seriously injured because of the battle they pulled last time. He couldn't confirm it himself before because he passed out too fast.

But before he can say anything, something halt him from speaking. There are crying voices. Cale knows very well whose crying voices it is. Cale turned his head up even if there was nothing he could see there. He concentrated more just to hear the children cry because Cale did not wake up for too long between their hiccups. He sighed, just like any other time before, hearing their crying voices really not pleasant to him.

"It looks like we didn't need an answer. You are very loved there, huh." Lee Soo Hyuk smiled once again before hugging him. Cale could feel Choi Jung Soo joining in and they just hugged each other for a moment.

If it is the normal Kim Rok Soo, he will refuse this hug because it felt strange and weird to do it with them. But Cale knew very well. The chance to have this moment again with them in the future is very small. He didn't want to regret this moment again, just like when he regretted not speaking his honest feelings toward them before they died.

They let Cale free after that. Choi Jung Soo patted his shoulder a few times before stepping back to stand beside Lee Soo Hyuk. "We couldn't hold you back for too long because there are people who are worried about you, aren't we?" Cale clenched his hands once again. His eyes focus on two men in front of him and recording all the moments in front of him right now; their facial expressions, their voices and so their warmth in his memories before nodding. He could see himself faded as indicated he would wake up soon in his world.

"You still remember what I said back then, right?" Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo directed their fists toward him. Cale sighed, but he couldn't stop his lips from forming a smile for the first time in front of them and directed his own fist, "Being alive is the best, isn't it?" Cale can see their smile getting wider as he said that. And then, he really faded away.

He will never forget this moment for his entire life. And he will always be grateful for this second chance of life in this world. (Though he will never admit that, especially in front of the God of Death).

The first thing he saw when his eyes opened was the big black blob crying river in his chest and making his shirt very wet. Besides him, two other clumps stuck their heads on his arm and made another wet spot on his shirt. Cale sighed. His hand still has not regained its strength yet, so he can't comfort them as fast as possible. He roaming his eyes and scanning surrounding to find he was in his bed on Super Rock's Villa, before he stared again at the black blob that had gotten bigger than the last time he saw, "Why are you guys crying so hard?"

The three of them flinched instantly and looked up toward him. Cale shook his head twice before reaching one hand toward Raon and another hand toward On and Hong. His hand was still shaking, but it was enough to move his hand toward them and gave a stiff pat on their head. He can see they are freezing in their place, unable to respond to his question. Cale then hummed gently, still tried to pat their heads more smoothly and gave them comfort, "I'm awake now, so don't cry."

"CALE!!" They rushed toward his face and nearly choked him, but Cale tried to adjust this torture with a hug to calm them down. He could hear the children protesting to Cale that he was unconscious for too long; he can also hear Raon telling everyone in the Villa to come to the 5th floor as fast as possible because Cale is finally awake. They are crying again because of relief and there is nothing Cale can do other than pat their back gently.

Eruhaben, Molans Duo, Choi Han, Lock, the wolf siblings, Rosalyn, Mary and even Gashan quickly arrive in his bedroom. He still understands that. After all, they are all monsters with strong physics and magic. What he didn't anticipate was even Alberu, Henituse members family, Toonka, Witira, Litana, Hannah and Jack, and even Bud Illis together with Glenn would shortly arrive in his chamber after Raon announced the news. Aren't they having another things to do?? How can they be transported shortly here in the middle of day? And is Raon just told everyone—literally everyone they knew—about his consciousness?

"Uh... has everyone been well? Is there someone getting seriously injured because of the battle before?" Cale felt a bit flustered because how many people came to his chamber for a very short time. He cleared his throat before turning toward three bundles in front of him after seeing disbelief stares and glares immediately thrown toward him after he opened his mouth.

It looks like their viciousness is getting updated while he is unconscious. Because he felt very small just with all the death threats they sent from their eyes.

Ron approached him first and helped him sit properly with a pillow to lean on. He adjusted the position, so the three children were perfectly wrapped under his two hands and sat down on his lap. He turned up again after he heard Alberu's voice. "Are you really asking that right now?" His face is unusually more emotional than ever before. And Cale didn't know why he could see frustration in everyone's faces. Cale frowned out of his confusion but didn't open his mouth because he was afraid it would make them more angry than this.

Alberu sighed and rubbed his face with two palms. Cale flinched with how vicious Alberu looked after they facing each other again, but Alberu didn't give him time to turn away and immediately said, "You are the only one who had been seriously injured and unconscious for a year and a few days. Are you really in the position to ask us that question??"

A year? He fainted for a year?? He never thought it would be this long. Now he knew why the children in his lap got bigger and heavier than he ever remembered. And now he knows why everyone looks a bit different than they used to be in his memories.

Cale scanning his surroundings and recording all their new looks. He smiled with satisfaction when he finally ensured himself that everyone was healthy and good. There is no one who dies. He saves everyone. It was different from the last bad memories he had with Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo.

Cale can see another disbelief that shows on their faces because of Cale's smile. He shook his head a few times, facing them with more confidence while still patting the children's back, before saying, "But it was worth it, isn't it?" He saw they were all flinching because of that, but he just continued while holding the children more tight. "If I can make you all alive with just one year worth of living, I will never ask myself twice to do it."

Those few sentences successfully make everyone emotional. The wolf siblings and even Lily, crowded Cale as they cried hard while others stood in their position while having their bodies shake. The room is filled with children's crying voices. Cale flinched first because eleven children as reinforcement really made him feel loaded, but he just sighed after. It was understandable for children to cry in this kind of situation. And he didn't want to stop them, at least now.

He could hear Raon, On and Hong told him he was an idiot and weak that he should never do that ever again. And Cale just pat every head in his reach to calm them down. He then saw others silently shaking their bodies with wet eyes. "Thank you," Cale whispered as his head reached the children's head, but knew everyone in the room still could hear his voice, "thank you for staying alive."

Cale can hear a hiccup for them. Emotions filled them as they finally saw their precious family opened his eyes. They heard his voice, and saw that he is alive; sound and healthy. It felt like forever, but as much as they were frustrated because of Cale, they felt relieved too. Cale is okay. And Cale is still their idiot sacrificial self that they love so much.

There is nothing changed; except for the fact that, they finally felt like winning the war. It was because their hero had now finally woken up from his long unconscious stead.

>> end <<

Note:

1. I should have told you this fanart link in the headcanon part 1 but I forgot I have seen this before. So here it is. Cale with blood really not good for us, isn't it 😢

2. GIVE CALE MORE HUGS!! CALE DESERVES THE WORLD AND ALL HAPPINESS ITS OWN 😭😭

3. I'm planning to make [Bonus Part: Multiple Hugs] to heal our souls after reading this emotional headcanon. It focuses on Cale's interaction with all his family after he wakes up! Hope you will like it too <3

Your content on Kny is interesting, being a Kny fan I would like to share a cusiority. During the final battle did you notice that the Hashira were passive about the death of some? When Shinobu died only Tanjiro had a reaction because of how busy he was; Mitsuri didn't seem sad and when Iguro remembered who died in the middle of the final battle he didn't even mention her. What did you think? It would have been nice if Gotouge had shown us what the Hashira's thought when the others died

[cont.] I'm the anonymous person who asked you the question about the Hashira who fell in the fight, Tumblr makes people write very little. Apart from Tanjiro they seemed cold to me, even for Tokito; the only one affected was Himejima; when always Iguro mentioned him during the clash with Muzan it was like he was thinking normally. There wasn't time to mourn for the dead but I was expecting a slightly deeper reaction. Anyway for Shinobu yes there was Inosuke and Kanao but the pillars are important too

  Thank you for the Ask, time to get into it! This served as a good excuse to flip back through of a lot of the later volumes... or rather, a huge chunk of the series. Short Answer: I don’t think Mitsuri knew about Shinobu’s death.  Longer Answer: A walk-through of the Pillars’ situations in the final showdown and a partial analysis of Kimetsu-style story pacing. 

Disclaimer: I finished this around 2am. I chose to leave it rambling and unedited and typo-ridden. HAVE MY FEELS, I’M DISHING THEM.

(Disclaimer: This isn’t meant to be a plug for my own fics, but since they are born out of my emotional experience of canon, mentions will make their way in. U fu fu.) First, absolutely yes on there being no time to mourn. From the moment the Ubuyashiki Mansion blows up in volume 16 to the actual end of the fighting in volume 23, that is one hell of a night; this final arc(s) had NO CHILL. Like, wow. It’s been a long time since I followed another battle-driven manga, but that seems like a lot, especially for a relatively short series.  And I was initially happy to dismiss all the lack of satisfying sadness as being due to the fact that they are in *PANIC MODE* and entirely focused on fighting, but that is also not necessarily the case; they do come off slightly cold.  I want to touch a bit on what we want to see the characters mourn each other, but also why I think it works out a bit better that we didn’t; from a purely narrative standpoint.  LET THEM BE SAD: Parasocial Needs Science says we form bonds with fictional characters that affect our brains in very similar and impactful ways, so our feelings are legit when they get killed off. It affects us like a breakup or other goodbye and makes us crave closure.  As for my own assumptions, we look for proxy characters in-universe to give those characters we love the attention we wish to; their sadness validates our sadness, watching them get emotional can be super cathartic, and a good mourning arc can provide satisfying closure.  This is something we got with Rengoku, canonically loved by like, everyone. Hell, even the guy who killed him was sad. Just to rub salt into it, the most recent fanbook that includes a section about how the Pillars see each other, and it drives home that even if we never saw much or any canon interaction between him and any other given character, they’re all like, “Oh yeah, Rengoku, he’s a great guy.”  And, he’s the only character we really get space to mourn, pacing-wise. First, because of when it happens in the plot, this gives the story time to show us each and everyone one of the Pillars hearing the news; it gives them times to process it (which Tokitou clearly needed), and most of us, it takes us in depth through how it affects Tanjirou, our main character whose emotions that we, the readers, are most in touch with. Rengoku got star treatment in the way he was mourned, and we readers get to lap that up.  So then when we don’t get that in-universe star mourning treatment, it does feel a bit jarring by comparison. Gotouge did say she was sorry to hurt everyone, but these are the conditions the little humans were up against all along and a point driven home again and again; even with power on par with demons through the attainment of a mark; even Pillars are just breakable humans who will never be able to regenerate like demons can, hence why their stakes are so much higher in every battle they go into. Furthermore, the Pillars are more ready for this than anyone else, they of all the characters would be the best at keeping their emotions in check in the heat of a battle.  Which means they had to keep them in check for seven volumes of near constant battle, love it or hate it.  KIMETSU LOGIC: The Writing Sins That Make This Manga What It Is I could go on and on and on and on about the writing sins this manga commits and how it shows that it’s Gotouge’s first time writing something of this length. In manga not all of it can be blamed on the author alone because the editors have a very significant influence, but yeah, this is not the most amazingly crafted story out there, by a long shot.  Would I change any of it, though? Well, a few things, yes, of course, out of personal preference. But on the whole, no. It’s the collective errors that stamp KnY with its style and make it what it is, and I find it as endearing as all the randomly super goofy art.  Now, when it comes to the lack of Pillars reacting to new of each others’ deaths, I wouldn’t necessarily classify that itself as a fault, and if I were Gotouge’s editor, I probably would have encouraged her to keep it to a minimum too. After all, I would be considered with selling a new shot of tension with every week’s installment to keep any readers from getting bored with the constant battle. And dang it, THAT TENSION WAS HIGH, those battles were remarkably emotional and tense through and through.  The breaks in tension that we got were necessarily and not distracting, with the notable exception of Iguro’s past. That was clumsy placement. I’ll be honest, I didn’t bond with Iguro as much as a character because he lost his earlier chances to be appealing to me, and by the time the chapter with his flashback came out, I DIDN’T CARE, I waited anxiously all week to see what was happening to Tanjiro and was invested enough to have an appetite for the additional Sumiyoshi and Yoriichi bits, but dang it, Snake Pillar was getting in the way of what my emotions were primed for at that point.  But, such is the way of fickle weekly readers; with THAT MUCH tension going on, readers crave a little breather here and there with a look at who else might taking in a breather in a flashback. We got bits and pieces of that mostly through flashback, like Tamayo’s memories of conversation with Shinobu experienced in real time through Muzan, as well as in-real-time moments with the characters having very slight chances to catch their breath (no pun intended).  But, how well those breaths worked depending on each character, and how the readers’ emotions were getting slammed week to week. Just like how I as a weekly reader (by that point) had no appetite for an Iguro flashback while eager to move forward, there likewise would have been limited appetite for mourning, and we’re stuck with who we got as proxy characters to react through.  ACTION, REACTION: The Rhythm of Basic Writing Advice It has often been said that in writing, something should happen in a scene, and the next scene should be a reaction to it. In the next scene something new happens, and likewise, there is a reaction. We could also thing of this as stages within the same scene, like the part when the music changes or the moment the battle has ended but we’re still on the battlefield.  In Rengoku’s case, we got one big happening, and then a whole lot of reaction drizzled through the story after that.  In the Infinity Fortress case, we get a big happening with the Ubuyashiki Mansion blowing up and then--a big happening!--a big happening!--a big happening--! A--uh oh, there’s a reactio---NEVERMIND, THINGS ARE STILL HAPPENING, GOTOUGE, PLEASE, THIS HURTS, OW, OW, HOW ARE YOU SO CRUEL, WE GET IT, THIS SITUATION IS AWFUL, PLEASE STOP HURTING THEM---

The reactions are there, scattered throughout. They’re short, but they sure make themselves count.  While Tanjirou is our Empathy Personified hero, it’s natural that we get more of his reactions, but the lack of them in other characters is, I would say, a natural fault of having a huge cast to work with it. Once you start dragging too many other characters into the reactions, the actions have trouble moving forward, and with the level of seven volumes worth of tension it’s the actions that keep readers hooked and buying magazines.  THEY’RE ONLY CORVIDS, OK: Now We’re Actually Looking At Canon Details Now that all being said, although it’s easy to dismiss a lot of Kimetsu Logic as amateurish at first, on further reflection, the little worldbuilding logic does excuse itself for not plunging each of the characters into a period of reaction to actions happening elsewhere.  Not all the birds had Yushiro’s papers. Not all birds were created equal. It’s really hard to navigate that place. Ergo, communication was probably highly imperfect; not all the crows knew everything going on. We don’t feel that as readers because we’re seeing Kiriya and his sisters get all the available communications.  In Iguro and Mitsuri’s case in particular, I suspect that might not even had been Mitsuri’s crow (as that one has a distinct personality and accessory) giving her orders to gather where Muzan is. It was probably any old down-to-business crow working with the information it had as clearly as it could in the battle that was most difficult to physically navigate. If Mitsuri’s crow (named Urara in the most recent fanbook) had been there, I imagine she’d have been having difficulty that whole time to even stay within a close range of that battle. Furthermore, a crow like that with a strong bond with Mitsuri might had also judged that telling her about Shinobu’s death was a dangerous distraction, and chosen to withhold information.  The fanbook specifies that Iguro’s crow Yuuan was the one who told him about how Tokitou got a red blade (in fact, this is basically the only thing said of this crow besides its name and gender). To able to report in such detail that Iguro could analyze that Tokitou attained the red blade by the strength of his grip, that probably quite an accomplishment to have either witnessed that much, or to pass on crucial information that detailed and quickly. At that time, Iguro and Mitsuri were physically separated and she was distracted by the crow giving her orders to gather where Muzan was, so she might not even have overheard that Tokitou had died. As for Iguro, the second fanbook tells us that because Tokitou was young he had hoped he wouldn’t die. There was no opportunity to mourn him, and they weren’t close enough for that to throw him off much from battle, but on a Pillar to Pillar level, I think the amount of thought Iguro did dedicated to Tokitou showed a certain level of esteem for him and regret at this passing.  What would have been nice? Maybe a little look over his shoulder to Mitsuri like “I hope she didn’t hear that.” That would have revealed a tender side of Iguro in a very short use of panels.  I want to come back to analyzing Mitsuri’s reaction later, so let’s keep focusing on the loss of Tokitou. Once he attained more of his sense of self back, it seems he preferred the company of Corp Members closed to him in age (if we go by his little flashbacks, which in true Kimetsu Logic, are things we didn’t know about until they come up in flashbacks). Most of the Pillars weren’t especially close with him, even if they did care about his wellbeing, as they seemed particular aware of how young he was. Sanemi probably had never interacted much with Tokitou until that battle, and *OKAY, HERE IT IS, THE UPCOMING FANFIC SELF-PLUG* one of the things I really liked working with in my post-canon fic is that there’s a point at which thinking about Tokitou forces Sanemi to deal with all the trauma he’s buried from that battle. I figure it would hit him later; he had a good excuse of a distraction. Ugh. Man. My heart hurts again thinking of that chapter.  Let’s also not forget, after Himejima showed his respects for Tokitou both quickly and sincerely, he couldn’t allow Sanemi to deal with Genya’s death until after everything was over. All the Pillars had to think like this.  What would had been nice? I liked this reaction scene to two simultaneous and horrific deaths exactly as it was. Ow. Ahhhh. Owwwwww, it’s hurting again. This is catharsis exactly the way I like it.  Let’s keep going with Himejima, the only one to have known to expect all this, and who stayed ready and likely hoped to bring down Muzan all by himself without any other sacrifices (welp, so much for that). There’s a scene in the novels that implies he had some idea that Shinobu wasn’t intending to make it out of the upcoming battle(s) alive, and I imagine he felt the same regret and bitter acceptance in advance that he also felt with Ubuyashiki. If we heard the news about Shinobu like Tanjirou and Giyuu did, I imagine he was hurt but it wouldn’t have been noticeable, and he probably would not be surprised even at how quickly it happened.  What would had been nice? Anything. Just a “How pitiful” and some tears as he runs through the halls woulda’ been great.  So since Giyuu did hear it loud and clear with Tanjirou, I first want to point out that whether that was Tanjirou’s crow or not (might not had been, because his crow was busy with a letter delivery from Senjurou at the time too), that crow must had loved to shared details; maybe even details that were not necessary. Like, would telling the lower level Corp members everything really help? Wouldn’t the loss of each Pillar make them lose their nerve? Was it because that crow was wearing one of Yushiro’s papers that it had to report extra detail for Ubuyashiki HQ? Whatever the case, Giyuu is initially shocked about Shinobu and then is like, “what is that paper the crow has? It sure is reporting things fast.”  What would have been nice? ANYTHING MORE THAN ONE PANEL OF SHOCK. Come on, Giyuu, give the GiyuuShino shippers S O M E T H I N G. Granted, if Tanjirou had been killed in battle with Akaza, I believe Giyuu would have had an initial outburst of emotion, but then gotten himself under control real quick and stayed that way until it was safe to break down (which he did immediately later on, since the threat was gone--but he was just as soon picking up a sword and stabbing him, so again, Pillar-mode must come before experiencing emotions). I interpret canon as that even though Giyuu might had found it easily to address Shinobu in conversation due to frequency in how much they had conversed and the fact that she would usually talk to him first, he would never had considered himself especially close with her (since he never saw himself close with any of the Pillars). I feel their relationship had potential to grow closer if Giyuu had actually gone out of his way to communicate more with her, and he probably would had if they both survived, but at the time she died he probably still felt a distance, which is why it did him harder when Tanjirou--someone who Giyuu did actually get to a point of enjoying conversation with--was dead right in front of him.  (Side not, oh man, OH MAN, being a weekly reader was so tough then. I still have so many emotions from that week. Oh man. Oof. Ouch.)

Of note, Giyuu had the best opportunity for reflection on a comrade’s death since he had enough recovery time once he woke up to build a fire and treat wounds, and Tanjirou took that chance to read a letter. 

What would have been nice? AGAIN, GIYUU, ANYTHING, but after that battle I think he deserved to disassociate a bit.  Also of note, I don’t know that they had complete information either, because NO ONE (by “no one” I mean Tanjirou and Inosuke) seemed to hear anything about Zenitsu single-handedly killing Upper Moon Six and surviving it. What would had been nice: “Good for you, Zenitsu, I hope you’re okay” or “Six? Again? Didn’t we already do that? There was a third??” or “well I got Upper Moon Two SO THERE” or “..........are you sure?” or even way, way after all is said and done, off in epilogue times, “you fought WHO by YOURSELF???” but I digress. Now back to Shinobu, losing her so early on in this marathon of high-stakes battles made her death seem forever ago by the time we got to another Pillar death. It would had been nice for more of them to react both with “no, not Shinobu!” and “we are in deep trouble” sort of ways. That made the glimpses we got of her in flashback feel way, way more nostalgic, since for our experiences as readers, she had already been gone a very long time. I like that the battle with Douma got stretched over so long a span of the manga, they really showed the stakes in how difficult of a foe he was, even if that battle was itself was relatively shorter than others. And as stand-ins for the readers to mourn Shinobu, I love how we got that both through Kanao and through Inosuke.  But yes, it sure would had been nice to get something from... Mitsuri.  Now, if I had only read the events of canon, manga chapter to manga chapter, and even the Taisho Secrets, I still never would have guessed that Shinobu and Mitsuri had such a warm friendship. I know this purely from the fanbooks and novels, and that is something I find a writing error that detracts a lot from the work. Some of the most apt criticism I’ve heard of the Kimetsu pacing is that it could have stood to give us one of more arc to bond with the characters at least a little more, so we could really, really be emotional over loosing them. We get all our spare Pillar interactions in works outside of canon and after Tanjirou initially gets to know Shinobu, he has no more on-screen interactions with her; she mostly appears in Taisho Secrets.  Pillar Training was fun and all, but maybe another arc with stakes in it that occurs closer to home and brings out some different sides of the Pillars in Tanjirou’s presence, instead of each of them getting one dance each with our protagonist. That would had been a chance to show Shinobu and Mitsuri’s friendship, in which case, we would had really, really wanted to see Mitsuri’s reaction.  But, Mitsuri had a job to do in the very, very, very heavy tension and battles that ran in weekly magazines for months on end. She carried the very heavy weight of needing to provide brevity. Her silliness contrasted against all that tension was fresh air for readers who had been holding their breath (no pun intended! kinda) through so much. And man, our reliance on her for that made it hurt all the more when things suddenly got very serious for her.  But, that means she was also unable to play a heavy emotional role too early on. There wasn’t room to give her a satisfyingly emotional reaction to Shinobu or Tokitou; when after all, this is the girl who was fretting about dearly beloved Oyakata-sama, was horrified to see the explosion, angirly attacked Muzan, but was saved from certain doom almost immediately after she was taken by surprise in the Infinity Fortress, and then she’s BACK TO 100% FANGIRL MODE. Like, giiiiiiiiiirl, Oyakata-sama just diiiiiiied, tone it down a notch.  I feel like I had more to say.  OH YEAH.  WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?: To fanfic, duh.  Going back to reaction and action and producing something with sellable pacing, again, I wouldn’t risk bogging down the tension-heavy final arc with too much open sadness (less is more definitely applies when the reaction scenes were often SO GOOD), but it clearly set up the desire for it. And, the length and intensity with which a work of fiction can live rent-free in audiences’ minds is a measure of its success.  If we MUST turn to fanfiction to get that emotional closure (or force the Pillars to get theirs), then this is proof of a job well done in making us care.   Herein lies the freedom with fanfiction: It doesn’t have to be good. It doesn’t have to sell. It doesn’t have to fit a regular serialized format. Fanfic is whatever it wants, all it has to do is indulgently scratch an itch.  I have way more stomach for sappiness in fanfic than in original canon, because I have higher expectations of canon to honor writing conventions, and to make decisions that will serve the overall story, not necessarily cater to my tastes.  But fanfic? Fanfic, you are here to serve me. Dive into those characters’ dry eyes with a jackhammer and gives me their tears. I don’t care how much you have to fry their brains to do it, give it to me.  I mean, I don’t write fanfic like that, noooo. At least, not that I post publicly. Ssh. No one needs to know aaaaaall my particular canon itches I wish to have picked raw. But all the more power to people who DO post that publicly and provide a great service to all the other people with that same need.  But, in the spirit of writing fic that tries to honor the spirit of canon, I try to sprinkle the juicy emotional potential canon could have had around as needed, to draw out what I feel canon just didn’t have the opportunity to give us. It’s ultimately self-servicing for what I wish canon would had done, but my style of published fic does try to stay widely appealing as a gen fic. Everybody’s got their own balances and tastes, and that’s cool.  And that is freedom canon authors don’t have.  I’ll conclude by saying that, although we as readers collectively earned it, the ending of Kimetsu no Yaiba was too bright and happy and specifically chose bittersweet moments that would be easy to swallow (pretty smart for a quick ending), but entirely skipped all the really heavy stuff in the immediate aftermath.

And yes, as difficult (and even dull) as it would be to slog through, there’s a part of me that wants to see all that, for the sake of closure. 

And now I sleep byyyyezzzzzzzzz

Thinking about actor availability, and how that affects my perception of Jess and how strongly I feel about shipping Literati.

Really thought this would only be a few paragraphs going over the points where Jess could have disappeared never to be seen again, but it turned into a freaking essay so LONG POST warning if you decide to click ahead. 

If the last we saw of Jess was hanging up the phone in the season 3 finale: "Well, it was fun ride while it lasted. That's about how I thought this would end." Still have a lot empathy for this kid and wish him well, but you screwed with Rory's heart like I knew would happen. Was that intentional? No. But he was so immature, out of control with his emotions, zero communication skills, not trusting in others...the list of reasons why he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even if the feelings were serious, goes on. There was no way Rory wasn't going to end up as collateral damage in his personal breakdown that I could feel was going to happen. And this is the thought I had as a teenager with no dating experience watching this show for the first time. Did I want to date him? Hell no! I could see that trainwreck from a mile away. Rory was naïve to put her heart in his trust but that's part of her good qualities - she's sees the best in people and champions for them. I could go on a tangent about why exactly Jess was such an important character to me when I first watched the show (and probably why he stuck around unconsciously until I decided on a whim to rewatch GG in lockdown) but...I don't know, maybe some other time.

In the context of the entire show, I would look back at the relationship as my favorite one to watch of Rory's in the series (The build-up! The connection! Their deep belief in and respect for each other! The angst!) and Jess being a really fun character to root for (and yell at) but endgame? It was a short lived but important relationship. It’s fun to think about what ifs and how circumstances could have changed to make it work, but we can move on.

The ill-fated spin-off: I have no idea what this show would have been about except focusing on Jess and Jimmy and I’m not about to theorize. I still like Jess at this point so it would probably make me like him more since we’re getting a deeper dive into his character, but in regard to shipping him with Rory, this opinion would not change unless he all of sudden showed some great maturity. But I doubt this show would have even gotten a whole season so that probably wouldn’t happen. And then he’s living in California…this is too much, moving on.

If the last we see of Jess is in season 4: About the same feeling as above. Life, as expected, has not been treating Jess well. At all. His jadedness and hostility is at an all-time high when he shows up to get his car. Do I see the reasons informing his behavior and have empathy (once again, for a KID)? Yes, but he's also being a jerk. "The years don't seem to have hardened you." Well this year sure has!

I love the "I love you" scene but too little too late, buddy. That's probably why I love it, it's all a bit hopeless. Just keep shoveling the angst at me. I do like fics where this scene is reimagined with Rory running after him to give him a piece of her mind or Jess finding some other words to say (I really feel like he had more to say there but got overwhelmed), and coming to a tentative reconciliation: exchanging numbers, "don't fall off the face of the earth," but getting back together? No. You hurt her and you're feeling the consequences. Rory is not obligated or responsible to reciprocate those feelings, nor is she in a place to do that right now. 

But season 4 does cement that Luke and Jess's relationship is one of my favorites in the entire show. There's probably a whole other post in me regarding that so I'll keep it brief. Because of his respect for Luke, Jess makes tentative steps towards maturing in interpersonal relationships. He shows some vulnerability and honesty with a veil of sarcasm and awkwardness because, well, it's JESS.

But then of course this all goes to hell when applied to Rory. Sometimes I like to think how this dorm scene would have gone down if Rory stepped back for a second and went, "Hold on. You're not making any sense, chill out," and they could have talked a bit and had a similar reconciliation like I said above because I really think that’s all he was going for - to talk to her, apologize, and make an attempt at reciprocation like he did with Luke. But getting back together here? Canonically, he hasn't made enough progress. He set aside his personal feelings to be in his mother's wedding and used the knowledge from the self-help book to apologize to Luke, but I don't think the book's message has sunk in all the way yet and he’s still got a massive chip on his shoulder preventing him from making a good life for himself. Getting rejected by Rory here is an important moment and I really like it. It's fun to think about the AU if Rory had said yes (hello road trip!), but it's very in-character for her to not be able to handle Jess's crisis and just shouting "NO, make it stop." This is one of my proudest of Rory moments: Protect your heart girl, he ain't ready. The seeds have been planted that Jess will continue to grow and I wish him well on his journey. Endgame material? Nah. Goodbye forever, take care my friend...

Even though this scene doesn't feel like closure at all, I really thought this was the end of Jess Mariano. So imagine my surprise when -

SEASON 6: HE'S BACK. Coming out of the shadows, [literally] it's Jess Marianoooo *air horns* *confetti* *jazz hands* *Jess rolls his eyes at the fanfare*

Alright, that's out of my system. But for real that's what my mind did at this point. For context, the way I watched this show for the first time was getting the DVDs from the library while a couple of seasons were still on the air; when a new season was available to borrow, I would rewatch all the seasons up to the current point so my memories and favorite parts of the show are seasons 1-4. Because I was not bingeing the show all the way through, seeing Jess here seemingly so different didn’t feel out of place. A shock, yes! A happy surprise. But nothing about him seemed OOC. A year had gone by, we’d seen some signs of maturity in him, and getting rejected by Rory was a big kick in the ass for him to start making bigger changes in his life. I really cannot emphasize how satisfying and sensical his positive character development felt to me. 

The slight maturity we see in season 4 in its full potential. Jess is still Jess: guarded, self-deprecating, and a bit prickly but he shows a sense of calm and feeling more comfortable in his skin. This is really satisfying to see as someone who always "knew" there was a kind and capable heart underneath the exterior just like Rory did, and that tough guy, must protect myself at all costs posturing has melted away. But that side of him isn't gone, it's not like the writing did a complete 180 on his character. I love this. He's just...more at peace with himself but he's not a different person, and he's found something to direct his focus and intellect on. He's made his peace with Luke, and now he has something of worth to show Rory to try to mend that hurt as well.

Yes, it would have been nice to see how and why he decided to write a book and work in publishing but this course of events is not out of left field, nor is Jess enough of a main character at this point for scenes like this to be necessary to the show unless they were tied to Luke and showing another side of him. Jess has shown in the past that he has a good work ethic if he feels it is worth it. The problem wasn't him being lazy, just poor decision making and focusing on RIGHT NOW, "I need to get out of Stars Hollow and live my life," and not considering the consequences of his actions. Which as an immature kid whose life had told him he can only depend on himself...not out of the ordinary. The dude’s life passion is literature and has probably read every book he can get his hands on, it’s not crazy that he had his own story in him. 

Here is where Literati becomes endgame material for me. Prior to the revival it was always my feeling that post-series they would reconnect while Rory was on the campaign or afterwards. It would be low drama (except for Lorelai criticism), slowly gaining trust in each other again, and eventually starting a committed relationship within a year or two of being friends with sexual tension (lol). They made their adolescent mistakes, hurt each other, but learned from it and started over on infinitely better footing.

The match just makes sense to me at this point for many reasons; I don't feel like I need to list them all out because you can go to any pro-Literati post and I'll probably agree with the majority of the points. The biggest issue they had was timing: “Right heart, wrong time.” I like especially how they even out each other's more extreme personality traits. For example, Rory learning from Jess to consider her own feelings instead of sacrificing herself for others, and Jess considering others before himself all the time. Or professionally, I can see Jess encouraging her to step away from her ultra-organized, “everything has to be just so” ways when it benefits her to seize an opportunity right now, don’t worry about the details, you got this. Maybe Jess has another book in him, but his self-deprecation and disorganization prevent him from getting it done but Rory helps him be more objective and focused. There’s this…synergistic energy I feel with the two of them: they’re great by themselves, but form something better together.

Judging from Rory's reactions towards him in this season, I don't think it's OOC for her to have romantic feelings for him again. She's extremely proud of his accomplishments and not unhappy to see him (not holding a grudge). They fall back into their comfortable dynamic even if it makes them both a bit nervous. Now some could argue that this means that Rory only wants to be friends with him but...when have Jess and Rory ever been just friends? If "Another Year in the Life" comes out (I've got serious doubts but would love to be proved wrong) and Rory rejects him or he's not even a part of it, fine! But I just don't see anything in canon that says explicitly she'll never feel romantic towards him again.

Now the kiss...there's a lot of ways to read that scene. Do I think Jess was in the right to assume "everything is fixed" as a go ahead? No. But that's part of why he is such an engaging character: he's impulsive and acts in accordance to his feelings, and yes, this gets himself and others in trouble. 

Do I think Rory purposefully went to the open house to "use" Jess to get back at Logan? No. I think she genuinely wanted to support him, and Logan being out of town meant she wouldn't have to explain why it was important for her to go. I see the kiss paralleling the one in 2x22 but instead of Rory not being able to hold her feelings in any longer, Jess initiates. The way I see it is she was unaware she still had lingering feelings towards him (not out of nowhere, I mean their relationship has "unfinished business" written all over it) and that scared the crap out of her, just like at the end of season 2. So she runs away to the "safe space" that is being with Logan. Because she's in love with Logan, she has a sense of obligation towards him, and Rory has shown many times that she does not react well to change and highly emotional situations.

Is this scene a deal breaker for a future relationship between them? I don't think so. Jess says that he isn't sorry she came, which I take as "I'll never be sorry to see you no matter the context." Yes, this hurt him and made him pretty mad, but I don't think he's holding a grudge against her for this; even in the moment he's more concerned that someone cheated on her and her safety getting to her car. He sets a boundary that he doesn't deserve his feelings to be pushed around like this and Rory agrees. Not that I condone this sort of tit-for-tat hurting of each other (which I don't think Rory was going for in the first place) but it's almost like...that cycle is now broken. The whole scene is so open ended, it doesn't feel like a "good bye forever" to Jess.

"But Rory is so in love with Logan!" I don't know about you, but that "I'm in love with him despite all the bad he's done..." sounds so defeated and sad. It's almost like she's resigned herself to being in love with Logan. The first time I watched this, I thought this was foreshadowing that the relationship was on its last legs. To keep them together, Logan almost dies so Rory will bury her hurt out of guilt for holding a grudge against him. She is completely entitled to feeling hurt by Logan's actions, and I hate that she feels like she has to do this. But it happened, moving on.

"But Rory is a cheater!" When I think about Rory's characteristics, "cheater" doesn't make the list. She feels entitled to the men that she's loved and this isn’t super great behavior, but I don't view her as inherently unfaithful or okay with cheating. I give her leeway on the season 2 Jess kiss because she was a teenager with a lot of conflicting emotions and everything around her was pushing her to stay with Dean. The season 4 Dean debacle...she was still very young and naïve. I put most of the blame on Dean for manipulating her; I say most because if Rory really wanted to be with him, she should have been more sure of the status of his marriage, but I repeat: he manipulated her and she was very young and naïve. I dare to say she has been conditioned to view Dean as nothing but safe and trustworthy so why wouldn't she believe him... Season 4 was all about her being out of sorts when away from the Stars Hollow bubble and trying to reclaim some normalcy. Narratively, I see why this makes sense and I don't think the intention was to say “Rory is okay with cheating,” but to show very explicitly that Rory isn't perfect. This show goes to extremes, at this point I kind of just accept it and don't jump to "this person/character is terrible!" Certain characteristics and behaviors I have less patience for (mild) or will make me lose all respect for a character (extreme - honestly very few GG characters fall into this category for me); you may feel differently and that's fine. When other plot points in this series are much more bizarre and OOC, while this turn of events makes me uncomfortable and angry, at least it makes sense to me.

The 6x18 kiss I've already said that I don't think Rory had premeditated intent to cheat on Logan judging from the fact that Jess initiated it; yes, she went with it nor was it a complete surprise, I get this. The "I couldn't even cheat on him..." line I think is an outburst of guilt and regret, not her saying she had a plan in mind. Maybe I'm being too soft on her, I don't know...she did stay there late but maybe she just got lost in the book while waiting to say bye. We've seen her not know how to deal with conflicting emotions and change to her status quo, and attempt to distract herself when life isn't panning out the way she wants and not think about the consequences in the moment, so I don't find this scene OOC or intentionally cruel. The revival...I don’t think I can even go there right now because it would just be me screaming incoherently about how much I hate "full circle" and how bizarre the entire thing was. Maybe something of value would eventually come out with a lot of editing. XD

This isn’t to say I’m 100% on Rory’s side all the time. Pretty much every character in this show has at some point made me smile, made me laugh (generally with them, but some characters it’s more like at), made me want to give them a hug, made me roll my eyes, and made me want to throw something at them. That’s why I love it so much! Even if the drama is turned up to 1000, I still get the sense that these characters are human. My favs end up on my “will protect at all costs” and “shit” lists throughout the series, no one is immune. Except Lane. She really is the best person in this entire show. #JusticeForLaneKim

If ASP had written season 7: (Remember there being some sort of theme to this post? Only two episodes in s6, but Jess sure does make an impact.) I bet Jess would show up at some point. MV is loyal to the creators and not the show, if it was important for Jess to be there I’m sure his shooting schedule would have been accounted for. Storyline would have been similar to the revival because AYITL is ASPs season she didn’t get to do without considering how time passing affects the characters (I’M STILL SALTY) except Rory is at Yale and I think the book was a new idea. Shipping as endgame doesn’t change, and I bet there wouldn’t be a nice little Literati ending because we’ve got to end it the same way, right? I don't even need them to be together at the end because Rory has greater plans to focus on, but just a moment! One moment is all I asked for... I don’t know if this makes me mad because I felt like the narrative had been pushing us along this path for so long even if actual "endgame" was going to be offscreen or if I kind of like just having it in my imagination. Little bit of column A, little bit of column B. In any case, it could have been cool to see Jess present for the birth of his half-sister and giving Luke some support. 

Like I said, I'm not touching AYITL right now. The whole starting point of this was, "huh, if MV never came back to the show, how would I feel about Jess and Literati?" And he was in it so it doesn't really fit into this even though we've gone on a meandering journey as pieces of discourse that have never sat right with me but didn't quite know how to express that disagreement until now popped in my mind. So there you go. If you’ve made it to end, claps to you, what a champ.

At the end of the day, Literati is the ship that makes me feel the most things, it's kind of just a gut thing. This really isn't any sort of argument just an outpouring of love for the show and these characters. I don't know how well that's communicated, but hey, I try. I’ve got a lot of nostalgia for the pairing and I always viewed Jess as being Rory’s, and only Rory’s, choice.

Growing Pains- Spencer Reid x Reader {Chapter Two}

Prologue, Chapter one

The newly acquired I.D. badge battered her hip as y/n entered the bullpen, the heavy glass door shutting with a 'click' behind her.

It was as hectic as it normally was on a Wednesday on the Behavioral Analysis Unit's floor. Clerical agents walked to and fro amongst the sea of desks and strangely enough, rather than being overwhelmed by the vast amount of bustle before her, the newly entered female's lips quirked a bit at the corners at the constant foot traffic.

She hadn't heard him, Spencer thought with reassurance. Of course she hadn't heard him. A whisper, your name dancing across his tongue in a moment of surprise as you had entered, lost into the wind, floating into the abyss that was the sixth floor of the federal building, only heard to the small group surrounding him.

But not to you. Not to the woman whose eyes had sharp swept the room, passing over him with ease. A small part of him was struck with a small horrific thought: Was he forgettable? Forgettable enough that you had forgotten him entirely, all those years of whispered secrets, tree climbing, and treasure burying? All the years that you had knocked on his front door, bidding his mother a hello regardless of the mood she was in, strutting into his room until you flopped onto his floor (even if he was okay with pinky promises, slow dances, and arms thrown over his shoulder he never could allow you to sit on his bed and you were okay with that). Had you erased him from your memory?

And then another terrible, stomach-twisting, nausea-inducing thought struck next: Did you recognize him and simply steel yourself to appear ad if you hadn't? Did you not want to recognize him? The fizzling of your friendship had been neutral, he could remember that clearly. His mind wouldn't allow anything different. His mind had been haunting him all morning and it taunted him once more, sucking him into the last conversation he could recall the two of you sharing.

"Hold on, Spencer," Your father's gruff voice asked the boy, and the Reid boy nodded despite the man not being able to see him. Your father always had that affect on him. The hard stares, narrowed eyes, stiff posture; It all told the Reid boy that the man lived in a cloud of suspicion around his relationship with you. Friendship, Spencer corrected himself mentally, cheeks heating up at the mere thought of anything more.

There was shuffling on the other end of the phone, your father yelling for you to hurry up and the sound of your loud footsteps. He could close his eyes, imagining precisely what your movements would be. He could see you clamoring down the stairs, jumping halfway down the staircase because you were a bit too impatient to actually walk down them all the way. He could see you rounding the corner, the way your hand would use the bannister as a device to twist yourself around the corner, coming into the eye line of your father. He could see all the forgotten work boots and soccer cleats that lay discarded near your kitchen door (your brothers were awful at putting them away and your father hardly cared enough to tell them not to. Even you had a pair of sneakers propped against the baseboards.).

"It's Spencer." Your father said in that tone he used with the boy, saying his name similar to how Spencer might have said he had found a bug on his shoe- petulant and irritated- and suddenly he was opening his eyes back up, grateful to be in that stuffy phonebooth, the hot sun beating through the tempered glass window panes.

"Sherlock?" Your voice sounded different, he decided immediately. Deeper, but not by too much. He wondered if you had grown in the time between your last sighting of eachother (a full year, at this point).  He wondered if your hair was longer- before he left, you had convinced yourself that cutting your own hair was a good idea. You had been obsessed with the Bangles and Susanna's bangs were the peak of your hyper-fixation. He had tried to talk you out of it, but, you were, well, you. You were a 'do first, think second 'person. You always had been. You had been when you broke your arm in the fifth grade deciding to make the leap from your roof to your father's truck bed (It was much farther than you had estimated). You had been when you kept the fish you had won from a carnival (Pickles the Fish had not lasted very long in the Y/L/N household, his bowl a bit too close to the cat's resting place). And you were when you had stood in your bathroom, Spencer sitting on the bathtub's ledge as he covered his eyes, his green orbs peaking out from open fingers, watching as you chopped your hair with kitchen scissors.

"Watson." The nickname, one he hadn't spoken in what seemed like ages flowed freely from his lips. He remembered when he had first introduced you to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. how you had leant against him underneath the shade of that old Willow tree at the end of the block. Your head on his leg, his own propped up on the trunk of that tree. Your initials were carved onto it- Spencer's idea, surprisingly, and it showed by the sloppiness of that carving because his mother hardly ever let him near knives. And under the shade of that tree, the wind whistling through the barren branches he had read, hardly stumbling over the large words before him and even if you didn't quite understand everything he was saying you listened because this was one of the few times he didn't stutter- not once.

"You were supposed to call last night." You said sullenly. It was true. You had scheduled your call times for at least once a month on the third Wednesday of each month. It was the only days you got out of school early, early enough to catch him when he wasn't in lecture or seminars or library study sessions.

The boy's eyes flickered down to his shoes. Sneakers- you would be proud. He had never worn Converse before. He was lucky if his mother remembered to buy groceries, let alone new shoes and the boy found himself grabbing the cheapest pair at Salvation army's and Thrift Stores. He had seen the chucks on you often enough, how free you looked when you ran across the desert roads, shoes against pavement. And now, away from home he had splurged and gotten a pair, a small piece of you, a small piece of home.

"I know, I'm sorry. I got caught up in my book-"

You sighed and Spencer could tell you were wishing he had a better excuse. A better excuse than getting lost in the pages of something he could've read later. Something he could have set aside for time spent talking to you. But, because it was you, he knew you wouldn't say that. You wouldn't express your feelings because you had never really been good at that unless it was also followed with a swift punch to the gut.

"I'm sorry." He settled, and just like that you were telling him about the current events in his hometown, how his mother was, how the boys that had once chased him through the halls were finding themselves after graduating, but he could tell a shift in your tone, a loss of trust, and a pang of hurt.

"Spencer. Spencer." JJ's voice made the Reid man glance up from where he had been staring at you- or where you had been? A quick glance around the room had him planting his eyes on your moving figure. Your boots made swift, definite steps across the bullpen, eyes focused solely on Hotch's door until you reached it.

"You know her?" JJ asked and, apparently, it was just a repeated question because Spencer could tell that the agents surrounding him were staring at him intently, analyzing the way his cheeks had flushed, skin paling, eyes widening at just the mere appearance of the woman that was now entering the Unit Chief's office.

Spencer tried to think of what to say. 'You know her?'

Did he?

Did he know you? Or had he known you? The two were very different. He had known you before. before those promises set in stone by pinkies were broken and before he had outgrown that necklace you had given him all those years ago. He had known you when you had told him your 'happy place' was the beach and when Spencer had very expertly questioned how that could possibly be as you had never even been to a beach before, you had glared at him until he took it back.

And you had known him. You had known him when he was forced to ride on your bike's handlebars whenever he wanted to go the library (Your bike had a basket that he could fit all of his books on and his did not). You knew him when he broke that snow globe in the cornerstone that one holiday season, how his face had morphed into one of horror at the idea of getting into trouble. You knew how you had taken the fault for that incident, hating how the boy's hands had started shaking when the storeowner had asked who had done it.

You had known each other, sure. but did he know you?

His eyes watched your hand go out to shake Hotch's, the smile on your lips enough to make him want to faint, the mere weight of his memories pulling at his brain.

"Kid? Kid, you really don't look good." Morgan was expressing his concerns and Spencer had half a mind to tell him that the reason he might not look so good was because he was, in fact, not good. He was not good because this was one of the few times in his life that his past caught up to the present. When he was forced to relive those memories from so long ago, from a time that he tried to keep very, very separate from the now. A time that he had all but run from, packing his belongings in that teeny-tiny duffel bag (you had helped him pick it out, he realized with a frown) and boarded that bus to Cal-Tech.

"I'm-" Fine? Spencer didn't have a clue what he would say, which, he would suppose would be a first, but the embarrassment that would have caused was halted because the Unit Chief's door was opening and Aaron Hotchner was extending a hand to you, as if showing you off and the team was standing, like a crowd waiting to see the newest performer.

And there you were, your front finally facing him. Your eyes were that same, chocolate-y brown color that he could feel himself getting lost in. They held that same sharpness, that fierceness in your eyes that Spencer had seen directed always at those who tried to mess him and never at he, himself. A fierceness that had hardly needed the support of your quick tongue and curled fists but received it anyways. A watch on your wrist glinted, the leather worn and sun-soaked. Even from where he sat, his vision minority blocked from Derek's muscular body standing in the way, Spencer could see the familiar material, the government-issued time-piece recognized by the team of agents immediately.

Had you served time in the military? Spencer would've guessed so, if not for the go-bag in your hand displaying the military insignia, but the way your shoulders were poised back, pin straight and at attention. Or the way your eyes swept the floor, checking doors, windows, standard procedure. Where had you been? Spencer asked himself. What had you seen? What had you done? Without him, he tacked on as an afterthought, because maybe if he had kept on top of the friendship, stoked those withering flames of your relationship, things might've turned out differently. He wouldn't be sinking into his chair as Hotch pointed out to the floor, introducing each member.

"...And you can meet everybody. Everybody, this is Y/N L/N. Y/n, this is Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, David Rossi, Penelope Garcia, and Spencer Reid."

And just like that, the fierceness was gone. The rigidity, the stoic-like confidence, the intimidating stance, and Spencer could just about see the girl who had cut her hair with those kitchen scissors, the shock on your face and locks on the floor.  It was all gone and your eyes were searching the crowd of agents just introduced to you and when they landed on the one you had been searching for, that lanky figure that looked so much like the one you had thought you would never see again, your lips parted in shock.

"Spencer?"

I’d like to talk a little bit about why I think Black Sails, while definitely tragic, is NOT a tragedy. Rather, I think that Black Sails ultimately is more hopeful than tragic.

The literary conception of tragedy is divided into two types, Greek and Shakespearean. I’m in no way an expert on tragedy, but broadly speaking, in Greek tragedy, the plot must have unity (it must have a clear beginning, middle, and end) in order for the audience to reach some sort of emotional catharsis. Most importantly, though, the plot must be driven by a character’s pointless struggle to avoid their fate brought on by their hubris (an attempt to become like a god), which has been predetermined (largely from prophesies) and from which they cannot escape. For instance, everything Oedipus attempts to do to escape his fate of killing his father and marrying his mother only draws him closer to that fate. 

Shakespearean tragedy, on the other hand, has a less clear beginning and plot, including many subplots that take place over a much longer period of time: it lacks the Greek elements of unity of plot, time, and place. Furthermore, the struggle is driven not by divine prophecy but by a character’s struggle between good and evil; the character is doomed not by an external power but by an internal failing. Thus, while the tragic hero in Greek plays gains full knowledge of the situation by the end, the Shakespearean tragic hero rarely gains self-knowledge. In essence, Greek tragedy is more plot-focused and Shakespearean tragedy is more character-focused.

Although Black Sails has a predetermined end thanks to both Treasure Island and the historical context of piracy, if it was to be a tragedy, it would be a Shakespearean tragedy, not a Greek tragedy. The plot is complex, focusing on a number of characters, and is driven largely by the characters’ internal struggles. However, the show differs in several key ways that ultimately prevent it from being a full tragedy.

Most importantly, Black Sails lacks a real tragic hero, who in Shakespearean tragedy is somebody well-regarded––often a member of the nobility––who is fundamentally a good person, but whose fatal flaw leads to his downfall and the downfall of society at large. As Tom McAlindon puts it in his article, “What is Shakespearean Tragedy?”:

The hero’s fall involves a self-betrayal or loss of identity which constitutes the breakdown in the balance of a richly-endowed nature, one in which feeling is so powerful that it is never far from the point of destructive excess...loosely speaking, then, anger and ambition (including pride, a sense of honor, and the desire for glory), and, on the other hand, love and grief, are the passions whose overflow brings disaster; and it should be stressed that the first pair are to be seen in as positive a light as the second (9-10).

This tragic hero frequently wants to do good, but is blind to the truth of reality, and his initial errors in judgment due to this blindness compound over time, leading to his destruction. Throughout this decline, the ‘hero’ status is maintained through a constant reminder of the environment in which the tragic hero exists; Othello’s paranoia, for instance, is in part a product of the racism in Venetian society. Furthermore, the tragic hero is always juxtaposed by a manipulative figure who knowingly attempts to rouse the hero’s passions for his own gain.

In Black Sails, the person who most closely matches this description is Flint, a high-ranking pirate who commands the respect of his inferiors. Flint certainly is driven by some continuously shifting combination of ambition, love, and grief. His entire project is one dedicated to honoring Thomas’s memory, but it’s also very true that Flint enjoys being in power. He relishes the opportunity to take back command of the Walrus from Dufresne, and as much as he sees his crew as men rather than animals, he absolutely believes himself superior to them. His penchant for murdering those who stand in his way is constantly justified to us through reminders that civilization is even more violent and less discriminating in its use of violence. Furthermore, he is manipulated at times by Silver (though the extent of each other’s knowledge of this is questionable).

This brings us to the question of Flint’s fatal flaw. Unlike with Shakespearean tragic heroes (Romeo’s impulsiveness, Hamlet’s indecision, Macbeth’s ambition), it’s hard to pinpoint a singular flaw for Flint. To be sure, the guy has many flaws: his arrogance, his reticence to trust people, his anger, etc. But it’s difficult to pick out a singular flaw that leads to his demise. In fact, it’s perhaps his abandonment of these flaws that results in his death (“Flint” died, regardless of how you interpret the ending). He trusts Silver, he humbles himself enough to believe himself unworthy of overseeing a post-revolutionary world alongside Madi and Silver, and it’s his love in place of anger that makes it impossible for him to kill Silver. So, ultimately, his fatal flaw is trusting Silver too much, but this is not a flaw that is inherent to him, that he had even from their first meeting. 

A second way in which Black Sails differs from Shakespearean tragedy also concerns the ending. In Shakespearean tragedies, the reciprocal relationship between the disordered tragic hero and the disordered society in which he exists comes to and end with the hero’s demise, and a new orderly society springs up in its place. In Macbeth, Malcolm becomes king, ushering in an era of benevolence; in Othello, Iago receives a fitting punishment, thereby restoring some sense of justice; etc. In essence, the tragic hero’s death results in the end of conflict and the beginning of peace.

In one sense, Black Sails follows this plot. The end of Flint brings about the end of war and the beginning of peace in Nassau under Max’s rule. However, we know that this peace is deeply unsatisfactory because we have come to learn that compromising with civilization is actually impossible. We learn that while the Maroons have a peace treaty, it does not extend to any other freed Black person, and it includes the Maroons re-enslaving people who come to them for freedom. We know through historical context that Jack and Anne only have a few more years of freedom before they’re captured and Jack is hanged. We know that Silver spends the rest of his life haunted by what he did to Flint. And so Flint’s death brings about no actual peace.

The key element that prevents Black Sails from being a Shakespearean tragedy, despite it fitting most of the typical components of a Shakespearean tragedy, is the idea that the central conflict––freedom vs. civilization––extends beyond the show. And so we are aware that no character’s actions will actually affect the conflict in a monumental way. Even though there is the idea that it could have ended differently, we know from the beginning, with our historical knowledge, that the revolution is doomed. The central conflict of the show is an ongoing conflict; there is no possibility of reconciliation as with the Montagues and the Capulets. While all Shakespearean tragedies begin in medias res, they have a definite conclusion, but Black Sails does not.

So, Black Sails is not a Shakespearean tragedy, but on its surface, it looks like it’s incredibly tragic. However, I think that, for all of the reasons I just talked about, Black Sails is actually a show about hope. Flint’s arc demonstrates to us that people can change, that hope can be found in a mutual recognition of suffering and a desire to end that suffering not just for yourself but for others. We learn from Max that nothing is worth doing unless it begins and ends with love. We find a deep sense of familiarity in these characters through the recognition that their battles are our battles, that their flaws are our flaws, but their failure does not have to be our failure. 

Unlike with Macbeth or Othello or Romeo and Juliet, the Black Sails story is still being written and so long as that is the case, there is room for hope.

Working

hello! It is time for more Boruto AU, with Sasuke this time! @ghostjellyfishheart was excited for this, so enjoy lmao. I apologize in advance for this. Just. Disregard the choppy transitions. Tune in next whenever for Boruto being incredibly confused by Sasuke and trying to figure out how to adjust to living in his house. It’s incredibly awkward. Can’t wait. 

(TW and CW for: unconsciousness, coma, critical injuries, tired Sasuke Uchiha, angry Boruto, probably ooc Kakashi and like six other ooc people, death, parental death, possible parental death, cursing, the Uchiha Massacre, one night stands, Sasuke is trying very hard okay he’s doing his best, both of them are good dads because I wanted them to be okay?)

Sasuke Uchiha was angry. No, scratch that, he wasn't angry, he was pissed. He was furious. He was beyond angry, he had reached the peak of anger and transcended to another plane, and that was something he didn't even think possible. For starters, it's not like his day was going well to begin with. Kakashi had stuck him with way too much to do, endless goddamn paper work. Apparently sharingan was mostly for battle, because it really didn't do shit when it came to focusing. And it's not like his paperwork wasn't important, it was. He had to review a series of reports from high profile shinobi on their teams and the work of their teammates, so and so and so and so, it was always something. 

In all honesty, he had signed up for this. Well, okay, he didn't sign up for it, but he agreed to it. After Naruto’s disappearance Sasuke was just about ready to throw himself into as many dangerous situations as far from Konoha as possible, but no. He didn't know whose idea it was, maybe Tsunade’s, maybe Sakura’s, maybe Kakashi came up with it all on his own, whatever. Now he was working as Kakashi’s right hand man (and shadow in a lot of ways) and, in his own word’s, the Hokage’s “Don't Be Stupid And Callous And Hurt People For The Greater Good Because It Really Didn't Go Well Last Time” reminder. He really was doing good work, he caught multiple oversights and made sure to hold Kakashi to his word about the decline of execution, especially for missing-nin. He nearly punched Ibiki in the nose about sixteen times for being ridiculous, but what the hell did he expect? Changing things on a fundamental level and rebuilding at the same time were hard, it was pretty tempting to fall back on old methods. It was largely Sasuke’s job to prevent that from happening, and he was really good at doing it without murdering anyone, surprisingly (though he came close a couple of times.) The destruction of the Foundation was extensive and incredibly difficult, and it was surprising to pretty much everybody except for Sasuke just how deeply corrupted the village was. They were also changing up Anbu, though that was still an ongoing process. Sai helped quite a bit in the destruction of the Foundation, and helped develop some sort of rehabilitation for people indoctrinated into it like him. He was very passionate about it, something that Sasuke totally understood. It was personal. 

All things considered, there were two reasons that Sasuke didn't cut and run as soon as Naruto wasn't around to keep him anchored any more. The opportunity for bettering Konoha and the shinobi world as a whole and… well… Sarada. Sasuke and Sakura had Sarada around the same time that Naruto had Boruto with Hinata (say that ten times fast) albeit in a less… graceful manner. Naruto and Hinata had a child after getting married due to mutual affection, and Sasuke and Sakura had a child because of… well, a one night stand. 

In hindsight, though it hadn't worked out with Sakura, he was grateful to have Sarada. She was a sort of anchor that kept him from running yet again, especially seeing as Sakura was busy running the hospital/teaching the next generation of medical nin/finding new techniques for medical advancement and health/going on a mission every once in a while. She was also, you know, his daugther, and he loved her. Sakura’s parents had a fit when they found out, and they had an even bigger fit when they realized that the two of them weren't getting married any time soon. If Sakura had decided that a marriage was best, Sasuke likely would have gone along with that. What else was he supposed to do? It wouldn't be fair to her, especially in the eyes of traditional families and clans. Sakura, of course, was having none of that, and Sasuke was incredibly relieved. Sasuke had raised his daughter for the most part, and he loved her more than anything, but it was clear to anyone with eyes that Sasuke Uchiha wasn't necessarily the image of “perfect father.” At first, he thought of Sarada as an ambiguously important responsibility, as cold as that sounded. But then she was born, and she had legs and arms and a brain and feelings, so of course he became attached. Actually, she was sixteen at that point, and she had become an excellent kunoichi. In fact, she was taking the jounin exams soon, which Ashina might be too if Naruto had stayed. Speaking of Naruto…

Sasuke had no idea why he was surprised. It seemed that no matter where Naruto was or how many years it had been since they'd seen each other, he would always, always be a pain in the ass. That would never change. Of course Naruto would show up with his children in the Forest of Death. Of course he would do it while Sasuke was swamped with work and trying to help his daughter prepare for the exams. Of course, of course, of course. Not that he was complaining (he was), at least not in the long run. It was better that Naruto come back eventually, but twelve entire years? That was a long time. A very long time, with no explanation. Just to show how thoroughly Sasuke was swamped, he heard the news in the middle of an incredibly important meeting with the daimyo and Kakashi. That didn't stop him from rushing to the hospital anyway, but it was inconvenient. Whatever, Kakashi (the damn slacker) would probably survive without him. Ino arrived distressed and covered in blood, only to deliver the message of a lifetime. Kakashi pretended not to care, especially since he was in the middle of a meeting and Naruto was technically a missing-nin. But he did care, obviously, he was just very good at compartmentalizing. Sasuke was too, but Naruto and Sarada seemed to be the only exceptions to this rule. So, he took off without explanation and rushed like hell to the hospital, because Ino said that Naruto had been in critical condition. The idiot always managed to get hurt somehow, but if he died before Sasuke got to chew him out for vanishing, he would resurrect the bastard so he could pound him into the dirt. Or hug him and never let go. It was a toss up, either one. Sasuke’s chakra was flashing dangerously, and it made everyone around him nervous, but at this point he could care less. The Uchiha opened the doors to the hospital and rushed to the front desk, but he was intercepted by an exhausted looking Ino.

“Where is he?” Sasuke blurted, and she glared at him momentarily.

“I'll tell you where, but it's not that simple Sasuke, you can't just rush in there-”

“Tell me where he is,” Sasuke growled. 

“Sasuke-”

“Ino why can't you just-”

“Sasuke Uchiha!” she shouted in a way that sounded suspiciously like the few memories he had of his mother. He blinked. “Would you listen to someone for once in your entire goddamn life? God, you're just as frustrating as Sakura said you were. Naruto is stable for now, but he’s in comatose. Hopefully he’ll survive. But his kids are sitting in the room with him, and if you storm in there all furious, you'll scare the shit out of them. If you have to go in there, do it slowly and calmly. And Shikamaru says they go by Boruto and Himawari, not Ashina and Natsu. They must have changed their names at some point. Either way, you need to calm down.” Sasuke paused, because (damn her) Ino was right. He had to calm down. He was pretty threatening on his own, but to these kids, who were already worried about their father? He collected himself briefly as Ino sighed. “He’s asleep in room 306. Please be careful.” 

“Thanks, Ino,” he managed before practically launching himself past her. Just before he turned down the hall, he paused. “And Ino,” he called over his shoulder. “If Neji comes by… tell him to go to hell.” With that he was off. The room wasn't hard to find, and he threw the door open. It was a private room, no other beds except the one where Naruto lay. He sucked in a breath when he saw him, because it had been so long and frankly the man looked terrible. His breathing was shallow and he was way too pale, but he was alive. God, he was alive, at least he was alive. Sasuke could hardly believe it. Naruto was alive, and he was here. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn't notice the two children sitting by the door until he turned around to face them. He froze in place as an awkward silence settled, and the first thing he could think was oh my god, he looks just like him. Ashina- no, Boruto, looked just like Naruto used to, he was nearly identical except for Boruto’s eyes being a slightly lighter shade of blue. There was a girl sitting next to him that looked alarmingly like Hinata, and she was watching him with more curiosity than defensive aggression like her brother. 

“And who the hell are you?” Boruto demanded. Sasuke blinked. 

“I um. I am an old friend of Naruto’s. I- I had to see him. My name’s Sasuke Uchiha.” 

“Boruto- Boruto Namikaze,” the kid explained begrudgingly. Sasuke sat down in one of the chairs against the wall, a few away from Boruto and Himawari so that Boruto could watch him from a safe distance. He’d picked up a thing or two about skittish children in his time, and he figured the best course of action was to remain passive until Boruto let down his guard. Like an unruly cat that hisses whenever you get too close to it. 

“What… what happened?” Sasuke asked, trying to start a conversation in a totally subtle way. Boruto winced and hesitated, almost looking… guilty.

“We got ambushed. That's all. He tried to keep us safe and it didn't… It's complicated.”

“Ah,” Sasuke muttered. “Right. Naruto is my friend, I've known him since we were kids. He’s always one for reckless endeavors.”

“Sometimes,” Boruto conceded. “I guess. He’ll… he’ll be okay. He has to be.”

“He will,” Sasuke assured him before he could stop himself. “He’s strong. Sakura Haruno is one of our top medical nin, she's not here right now, but she should be back from her mission soon, and she especially will be when she knows that Naruto is here. He's very important to us.” Boruto glanced over at him, tearing his eyes from his father. 

“How did you know him?” he asked tentatively. Sasuke smiled without realizing it. 

“He's my best friend. We went to the academy together, we fought in the Fourth Shinobi War. He was always there. He’s important to all of us, before he… before he left.” Boruto looked away nervously. 

“Right,” he muttered. “Of course, that makes… that makes so much sense. I mean, I always wondered how he learned ninjutsu, I guess- I guess it makes sense for him to be from a Hidden Village. I just never…” Sasuke stared at him for a moment.

“He never told you?” Boruto shook his head and traded a glance with Himawari. 

“No. He never talked about anything from before we were born. I never asked because it just… made him sad, I guess. I didn't like making him think about it.” Sasuke nodded numbly. Did he regret it, he wondered silently. Did he regret leaving? Did he ever think about coming back? The door opened just then and Boruto tensed again, whipping his head to the door. Kakashi stood in the doorway with Sai behind him. 

“Hello. It seems Sasuke made it here first.” Boruto eyed him warily, moving closer to his sister. Kakashi took one look at the bed and then looked away, trying to not think about it for the time being. He turned his attention to Boruto instead.

“Well Boruto Namikaze, it looks like we have a lot to talk about. But it's been a long day for you two, and I think we’d best keep the hard conversations for tomorrow, hm?” Boruto must have read that as a threat because he bristled at the words, and Sasuke silently wondered how, despite years and years and years of experience, Kakashi never got any better at learning how to speak to children. Sai watched pensively, like an owl, tilting his head. Sasuke could understand Boruto’s nerves, especially considering the company he was in. Sasuke silently cursed Sakura for leaving at the worst time possible, but he knew it wasn't her fault. 

“You should try and get some sleep tonight, we’ll probably have more information on Naruto’s condition in the morning. Don't worry, Sasuke’s house is comfortable.” Sasuke shot to his feet.

“What?” he demanded. Kakashi looked at him lazily.

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I think it'd be best for the two of them to stay with you for the time being. You have a child of your own, and lord knows I wouldn't trust anybody else to do it. Sorry Sasuke, I promise i'll pay you overtime. I can have somebody else handle your paperwork for a few weeks.” Sasuke blinked as the children looked between the man and his teacher. Finally, the Uchiha gritted his teeth.

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” he growled. “It would be an honor.” Kakashi nodded.

“See? It's not that complicated. I have business to attend to, I'll have a conversation with you tomorrow, Sasuke.” With that he was gone, and Sasuke found himself alone with two children. Two. he had his hands full with one, and now he would have to take care of three. And they were Naruto’s children, lord only knows what they would get up to. 

“Um,” Sasuke started. “I… I suppose… we should go… home.” Boruto hesitated before standing, tossing one glance over his shoulder at his father before walking out the door. Please wake up soon, Naruto Sasuke thought silently. But there were a few things Sasuke didn't realize at the time, and wouldn't for weeks. Naruto wouldn't be waking up, at least, not at first. 

Kyuubi would. 

Mach the Mantis Shrimp

Finally, after a year and some change of creating this character, developing him, and promising that “SOON I’ll HAVE A BIO I SWEAR”, I finally finished this motherfucker’s bio.

This is probably one of, if not the most developed character I have next to Gambit and Frost, and I can only hope that the bio reflects that. Thanks as always to @pidgeonspen​ for doing the ref sheet, helping me edit this bio, and just being a great friend in general. But enough chit-chat, the entire thing’s under the readmore

Name: Shin Shika, but changed to Mach in his late teens

Age:  20

Occupation: Bodyguard to Emperor Frost of Osakiru; head of Frost's secret police (known as the Zettoryokai), and one of four members of the Black Lotus (Frost's inner circle)

Location: Tokeydo, Osakiru

Sexuality: Bisexual (Deeply in denial about this however. Mach asserts that he's straight)

Personality: Boisterous, snarky, feisty, volatile, eager to impress -- these are all things you wouldn't expect from one in  Frost's inner circle, yet they're the perfect words to describe Mach.  A highly spirited individual, Mach is always raring to go, eager for something to do or somewhere to go; he can barely stand to sit still, even if for just a moment.

This eagerness and restlessness carries over to his constant desire to impress others and be the center of attention.  More often than not Mach puts on a veneer of confidence and toughness to convince those around him that he's "cool" and "manly", and this is reflected in just about everything he does, from the clothes he wears to the way he talks to his general "devil may care" and "I'm too cool for you"  attitudes.  Unfortunately, this attitude can be rather offputting to those around him and has frequently put him at odds with one of the other members of the Black Lotus and occasionally even with Frost himself.

It should be noted, however, that beneath this attitude and seemingly carefree persona lies many deep-rooted insecurities; Mach is uncertain who he is and what he wants out of life, doing whatever possible to distance himself from his former social status and the expectations he had lived under as "Shin".  This insecurity manifests itself as a desire to impress those around him - especially Frost - through whatever means possible. It also manifests itself as constant need to deny certain aspects of himself including his sexuality and even his belief in Frost's cause (Mach vehemently believes that Frost's cause is just and that Frost has made him "better")

It also manifests itself through what is perhaps Mach's most defining trait -- his anger.  Mach's temper is as short as it is volatile, exploding at the slightest of provocations and often accompanied by bursts of yelling and physical violence. In most cases, during bouts of extreme anger, he will relegate himself to the palace's dedicated training room, but when that is not available, he will takes his temper out on whatever's close by, whether it be a inanimate object, another person, or some instances, even himself.  Regardless, it is not uncommon to see broken glass, punctured walls, and bleeding knuckles in the wake of one of his  fits.

Partially as a result of his anger, Mach has grown to love violence, and revels in partaking in it, especially when it comes to his work. This is something he's not shy about admitting to, and will sometimes even boast about specific acts of violence he has committed, whether it be on the job or off it.  It should be noted however, that Mach doesn't like to kill, and in fact killing or seeing someone be killed greatly discomforts him.

However, beneath his snark, his eagerness to impress, and even his anger, lies a surprisingly genuine kindness. Those lucky few who manage to worm their way into Mach's life will find that the shrimp is surprisingly kind and even understanding beneath that thuggish persona, and when push comes to shove, Mach will prove that he cares, even if he attempts to say or prove otherwise.  In addition, Mach is very much a bleeding heart, and if he were to ever become romantically involved with someone, he would make very little attempt as to hide that fact, showering them in physical affection and engaging in all sorts of PDA.

The best way to describe Mach is "unsubtle"- His affections, his anger, his snarm, even his insecurities are laid bare for all around him to see, even if he thinks otherwise.

Skills: At their base Mach's powers are based around his eyes. Mach's eyes, when activated (as signified by his eyes taking on a rainbow glow), can see the "weaknesses" in people and objects, as well as let him see in the dark almost as well as he would in the daytime.  However, he can only keep this going for so long, and if he does it for too long, he gets terrible migranes and nausea.

 With time, training, and focus under Frost's guidance, Mach's powers have improved, letting him not only use them for longer periods, but also granting him new abilities as well.  These new abilities include being able to see through illusions and in some cases, through objects and obstructions.  However, to use these new abilities, he has to maintain intense concentration, and he can do this for far less time than he can his normal abilities. However, perhaps with even more intense training and consistent effort, Mach could learn to use these powers just as comfortably as his normal ones, and perhaps take them even further.

Mach is also adept at hand-to-hand combat, and his preferred style is similar to that of boxing, specifically of the "inboxing" style, relying on quick, concentrated punches to specific points on his opponent and generally overwhelming them with offense.  However, he can also (and sometimes does in the heat of anger) switch to a "slugger" style focused on just hitting them really, really hard with body blows and strikes to the head.  In addition, Mach tends to combine this style with something akin to "dirty" fighting, often mixing in headbutts, sucker punches, elbows, and other dirty tricks to get the upper hand on his opponents

In terms of non-combat skills, Mach is rather skilled in the art of interrogation--or at least insofar as using physical violence to get information of those that the Zettoryokai are sent to capture.

Hobbies:  Mach has a surprisingly limited amount of hobbies, owing both to how much he has to work, and to his need to "look cool" to others. One of these hobbies is that of video games. Mach tends to gravitate towards whatever's popular....in the West, mainly shooters and generally popular multiplayer games.  He has a fierce competitive streak and absolutely HATEs losing in these kinds of games (as the sheer amount of damaged/broken controllers and holes in his walls will attest) and is an incredibly cocky winner.   He's also a complete demon at rhythm games like Guitar Hero and especially DDR, but his need to "be cool" has resulted in him not really pursuing those...that and his tendency to break things makes those really expensive

Mach's other major hobby is exercise, and it's perhaps his favorite thing to do.  Whether it be training in the palace's dojo, doing routines in the comfort of his own home, or even getting a few reps in while waiting for something else, Mach loves to exercise. He has a huge bias towards core routines and running, but will occasionally indulge himself in weights and leg training.   He'll even try to get the other members of the Zettoryokai to spot him during his routines (they never do).

When he was younger, Mach also enjoyed indulging in more...deliquent activity: tagging walls and cars, breaking windows, the kinds of things misbegotten youth do, but owing to his position, he can't engage in those anymore...and some days he wishes he could.

Likes: Frost, working out, video games, junk food, sushi, ramen, Takeda and Penumbra (two other members of the Black Lotus who are the closest thing he has to friends), traveling (Mach doesn't realize it but he would LOVE to travel the country--and even Mobius), getting into fights.

Dislikes: "Fake" people,  his family (or at least the memory of them),  anyone who opposes Frost, killing, the idea of appearing "unmanly" or "uncool", coffee, a certain *other* member of the Zettoryokai.

Backstory:  Born Shin Shika, he was the 2nd child of the affluential Shika family. With his father being an influential business tycoon and his mother a politician, it seemed as though Shin would lead a childhood free of want, but this was sadly not the case. The golden child of the family was not the young Shin, but rather his older brother, Kyo.

It was Kyo who was constantly showered in love, attention and gifts; Kyo who was readily adored and surrounded by family and friends; Kyo whose skills and promise earned him accolades and admirers, casting an ever-growing shadow over his little brother and leaving him in the proverbial dust. As a result, for most of his childhood, Shin grew up essentially alone, perpetually unable to get his brother's or parent's attention, the few friends he made turning out to be solely after his money--or his brother's attention.  To make matters worse, his parents constantly compared him to his brother, asking the young shrimp to be "just as good" as him. And when they weren't asking him to be like his brother, they were forcing him to conform to their minimalist, "fake" way of life, all for the sake of maintaining their image.

And that was how it was for most of his youth: constantly living in the shadow of his older brother, never wanting for material goods but always wanting for one thing: attention.  But things changed--or at least seemed to, once the shrimp went to high school.  There, he came across something that would change his life forever: a band of deliquents that had gained a rather notorious reputation amongst the students and staff for being "tough", for being "cool", and most of all, for being "BAD".

Upon having a run-in with their leader, the young shrimp's life was changed forever. Looking at the leader of their pack, the shrimp saw in it everything he could have ever wanted: attention, to be "cool" like his brother was, if not cooler, and a way to spit in the face of his parents who had given him not an iota of love.  And so he did everything he could to get into this gang and soon enough, Shin found himself amongst what seemed to be the first real friends he ever had.

From then on, the shrimp finally began to enjoy his life. Engaging in shallow flings, tagging walls, smoking, getting into fights, stealing, you name it, Shin was in on it  with his new "friends".  He even managed to snag a red hoodie from a store that he'd been eyeing for months, the first piece of clothing he'd gotten that wasn't just a hand-me-down from his brother or bought for him by his parents. It was his, and in a way, so was this life.   He had finally gotten to live, and with it, had gotten the companionship, attention, and "coolness" that he had been craving all his life. It didn't matter that his parents disapproved, the most he got was a stern talking to every once in a while and a shake of the head as they immediately went back to fawning over Kyo. Even him dropping out of school earned him little more than a night of back and forth yelling.

It was all good for the up and coming punk until one fateful night: During his time in this gang, Shin had made himself a few enemies, and they saw it fit to jump him while he was with his "crew".  In an instant, Shin's so-called friends, his "crew", his companions--were running away instead of backing him up. They had been "fake" this entire time, like everyone else.   The shrimp's back was against the wall, and he was forced to take drastic measures to get out--and he did.  What was supposed to be a chance encounter turned into a tragedy as the shrimp's efforts earned  himself a victory--and the hospitalization of those involved--including the children of some very powerful people.

It finally got the shrimp's parents to pay attention--but rather than caring about his injuries or the fact he almost lost his life, they were furious with him. He had put their IMAGE on the line, he stood to ruin their reputation, his brother's reputation, and everything they were trying to do! The shrimp had clearly gone out of line in their eyes and was grounded--permanently.   Not only that, but he would be forced to attend every single social event they hosted, in the hopes of turning him into a "proper" member of society like his dear brother.

Needless to say, the shrimp HATED it. But with time, the shrimp came upon a realization. He didn't just hate his parents, or his brother, or the people that had abandoned him. No, he hated this "fake" society as a whole! Full of "fake" people with "fake" smiles putting on "fake" acts and "fake" faces just to get some more money in their pockets and to be liked by everyone. For all he knew or cared, the whole damn country was "fake", and his parents, and his brother, and every single rich conceited fucking asshole he was introduced to were part of the problem. The longer this went on, the more he wished, he *craved* for a way out, to  get back to how things were, to put these rich fucking assholes in their place.

That way out would soon make itself apparent, however, as when Shin began to actually listen to what these assholes were talking about, one name came up again and again: Frost.   They constantly spoke about him, about how he had consolidated several of the powerful Yakuza syndicates into one, how he seemed to be "conquering" the country, and even of the rumors that he wanted to become emperor of Osakiru.  The more they spoke of him, the more they spoke of his supposed plans, of his cold personality, of his desire to change things, the more the shrimp was fascinated.   This "Frost", whoever it was, intrigued him.

Once he heard whisperings of the emperor making his way to shortly outside of Tokeydo, Mach hatched a plan: he'd find this "Frost" and convince him to let him join up. It'd be just like the old days, but this time he'd take this rotten fucking country and these rotten people and burn it to the ground and show them all.

Someway, somehow, the pugilist managed to jack a motorcycle and zipped out beyond Tokeydo to find this "Frost". It took a great deal of effort and some close calls, but eventually, he found the man, or well, leopard he was looking for.  Upon asking him, however, the leopard asked the shrimp to "prove" himself in combat to test his strength. Thinking himself a professional at this point, the shrimp agreed....and was promptly made a fool of by the older, more experienced yakuza and kicked out. To make matters worse, upon leaving, he was greeted by police, who had followed the trail of the motorcycle, which had been reported stolen, and promptly arrested Shin.

His parents soon arrived, bribing the police to let him go, but doing so solely to preserve their image.  Made furious by the shrimp's escape and his constant defiance, they decided the only course of action was to quite literally lock him in his room until he could "prove" that he was better, conveniently keeping him out of sight--and of mind.

Reduced to little more than a prisoner in his own home, humiliated by the man he wished to join, something within the young shrimp broke. But instead of giving up, of throwing a fit and accepting things as they were, something else happened.  Shin found himself inspired.  He felt that deep down in his heart, he wanted--no, needed to join Frost. He needed to become a part of what he was doing, and he  needed to take these rich, fake assholes and bring them down a peg and get rid of all the "fake" shit in this country.

But most of all, he needed to become stronger to prove himself to Frost. And he had all the time in the world--and the tools to do it.  Turning his prison of a room into a makeshift dojo, the shrimp trained furiously for the next 6 months, getting into hardcore physical routines, teaching himself to box solely through the internet and movies (they weren't perfect mind you), and building up his strength in general. By the end of it all, the shrimp looked--and felt like an entirely new person.  Not only that, he saw the world around him in a new light--quite literally.  During his training, he had awoken to his Aberration- a supernatural ability, and this one allowed him to see the "weakness" in all things.

The shrimp was different, that's for sure, stronger definitely, but the question remained: was he ready?   Figuring there was only one way to find out, the shrimp once again broke out of his home and went to find the leopard. Luckily for him, the leopard had finally made his way to Tokeydo. Soon, the shrimp appeared before him once more and this time, challenged him

Shin fought ferociously, harder than he had ever fought before, pushing himself to his breaking point, but it still wasn't enough. At the end, Frost still stood victorious, and Shin was on the ground, on his back, defeated once more.  Pushing himself up to his knees, the shrimp felt himself break inside.  Why, why wasn't it enough?!? Why couldn't he do it?!? Why was he such a failure? Before he could stop himself, he brust out in tears of pure, unfettered rage, screaming about the unfairness of it all, of how he wanted so badly to join Frost, how he wanted to stick it to the "fake" assholes running this country, how he wanted to burn, burn, BURN this "fake" fucking country down to the ground and how he felt Frost was the only "real" one, the only one who could give him what he needed.

Eventually, the shouts and the tears devolved into unintelligble sobbing and screaming, and Shin closed his eyes in a vain attempt to rein them back in. But when he opened his eyes again, he saw something unusual--Frost was standing over him, offering him a hand up with a look not of disappointment or anger or mockery like he was used to from others, but of understanding.  

Helping Shin to his feet, Frost told him he saw something within the young shrimp; something that would be vital towards his goal of bringing Osakiru into an age of prosperity, of making things right again -- and that he empathized with Shin more than the young shrimp could imagine. To Shin's amazement and excitement, Frost took him in and made him not just a part of his cause, but an enforcer; Shin became the leopards personal bodyguard, and his right hand man.

Serving under Frost, Shin had finally gotten what he wanted: he was part of something he felt was "real", and playing a part in making actual, tangible changes in Osakiru. To burn down the "fake" system and with it, the "fake" people who kept it running, and replace it with something "real" -- Frost's vision. But above all else, serving the leopard brought Shin the attention, validation, understanding and compassion he had fruitlessly, desperately sought throughout his life; in their short time together, Frost was already more of a father to him than his birth family had ever been.

Eventually, Frost made his final push on Tokeydo, intending to burn it all down and build his ideal country on its ashes--with Shin in tow.  As the rich estates of the country's elite began to burn, Shin found himself back at his "home"--and face to face with his parents once more.  Instead of expressing worry about where he'd been or happiness at seeing him again, they once again treated him with that same anger, that same disappointment, that same attitude of him not being "good enough" they always had, talking about how everything had been ruined and it was his fault.

Caught up in the zeitgeist of the push, and enflamed by his parents' refusal to see him as anything more than a worse version of his brother, Shin flew into a rage, beating both of his parents to death with nothing but his bare hands, leaving their bodies in the flames and watching as his childhood home, the prison he grew up in, went up in smoke, leaving nothing but ashes behind.   He soon realized that he had not seen his brother, but truth be told, he could care less.  His family was dead, his house was gone, his past life, his "fake" life was dead. All that was left now was him--and Frost.

But it was not enough. Shin wanted his old life, his old self gone completely, and decided to change his name. No longer would he be Shin...but Mach, named for the apparent speed of his punches.

Soon after, Frost ascended to the throne of Tokeydo, turning from the country's most powerful yakuza to its sole ruler, and he did so with Mach at his side.

Upon his ascension, Frost saw to it that Mach's roles be expanded. No longer would he just be the emperor's bodyguard, but he would also become part of the Black Lotus-a group consisting of the emperor's four most trusted--and most dangerous individuals who answered to Frost directly. Yet it did not stop there, as Frost soon put Mach in charge of his newly formed secret police--known as the Zettoryokai, and with it, become Frost's foremost enforcer of his vision, getting rid of those deemed threats to the greater good of Osakiru.

And that is where Mach remains.  The shrimp continues to occupy his position as Frost's bodyguard, his confidant, and the foremost enforcer of his will, and he relishes in it.  He finally believes that he is doing something good, something "real", that he's getting rid of the "rot" that had infected Osakiru all those years, and that he's getting the attention and respect that he had deserved all this time.

Little does he know, however, of the ramifications of his actions--or of Frost's true plans for the shrimp, plans that extend even beyond the emperor's demise.

DRPGs: function over form

I have an odd affection for DRPGs, or “Dungeon-crawling Role-Playing Games,” which are sometimes referred to as “Wizardly clones” in the same way that early FPS games were called “Doom Clones.”

Legend of Grimrock is an indie game that I’ve found is closest to actually emulating the feel of the original Wizardry games from an aesthetic perspective while updating them for modern graphics; most of the examples from recent history are Japanese and feature anime-style character designs, with Etrian Odyssey being perhaps the best-known (and best-selling).

I describe my affection for DRPGs as “odd,” because few other games have the ability to thoroughly captivate me for the time I’m playing, only for me to completely forget everything about them when I’m done playing them.

For example, I recently noticed that Demon Gaze 2 was on sale for 75% off in the Playstation store. I’m keen to try it out, since I enjoyed the first Demon Gaze game so much that I took the time to 100% (I earned the “platinum trophy” so that anyone on my Playstation Network friends list can see the evidence of my achievement). This is a task that reportedly takes around 50 hours. I say “reportedly” because it’s based on other people’s reports of how long it took for them to “platinum” the game; I can’t really recall from memory how much time I spent playing that game, or really anything else about it for that matter.

I cannot express how weird it is for me to not have a memory of have any specific memories of playing a video game, especially one that I spent that amount of time playing. I can still vividly remember a specific game of Dota 2 that I played over half a decade ago. I could talk for paragraphs about an indie puzzle game that I played for 2 hours in 2012. You could ask me to talk about any of the N64 games I played as a middle schooler and I could probably recall many specific memories from the time I spent with those games.

And yet, when it comes to Demon Gaze, I remember nothing. Not the characters, not the plot, not any of the specific milieus or setpieces. And, truthfully, it’s probably because caring about any of these things is never really something that the game asked of me in the first place. I earnestly tried to remember anything I could about Demon Gaze, and here is a full, comprehensive list of what I came up with:

There’s an NPC whose character trait is that she’s always sleepy. I think she lived in the basement of...something. I think your “home base” was an inn, and she lived in the inn’s basement, and you would sometimes have to talk to her to do certain things or something.

One of the levels had plants and was mostly green. Maybe multiple levels, actually. I want to assume this meant there was a hedge maze, but I’m not actually remembering a hedge maze; I’m just assuming that a dungeon-crawling game plus a green area must mean there was a hedge maze.

One of the levels involved climbing a tall tower, or maybe descending into a deep pit. There was definitely verticality involved, and the map was cylindrical.

I think the main character used swords. But maybe they didn’t. I’m pretty sure that you could dual-wield at a certain point in the game. (I think part of what made the main character so strong was the fact that they could equip an artifact that let them dual-wield?)

That is truthfully and honestly the full extent of what I remembered about the game before I started writing this post and digging up screenshots which reminded me of the main character’s heterochromia. When grabbing screenshots for this post, I found one that showed a character’s class as being “Paladin,” and my reaction was not, “Oh yeah, Paladin was totally a character class in this game,” but “Oh yeah, Paladin totally sounds like a character class that could plausibly be in this game.”

Normally, I’d have memories of specific boss battles, or setpieces, or characters, or story moments. But in place of those, I have memories of looking at Google Sheets that people had made to list all of the items that dropped from certain areas, and ranked them to let you know which items were the best. I could more vividly tell you the decor of the room I was in when I unlocked the platinum trophy than the final boss I beat (or item I obtained) to unlock it. (Being a game for a portable system like the Vita, I actually have memories of many locations and “setpieces” associated with that game; just not locations in the game.)

DRPGs are, maybe more than any genre, a game that is experienced through a layer of abstraction, and I think this is best illustrated by the Etrian Odyssey, which lives in the DS family of systems, which are notable for having two screens (as is suggested by the name “Dual Screen”). Here’s a screenshot that shows what the game displays on both screens when you’re dungeon crawling:

On the top screen, you see the environment you’re exploring in all its 3D-rendered detail. On the bottom screen, you have a map of the area you’re navigating, with the arrow in the middle indicating your current position and orientation. And for the vast, vast majority of dungeon crawling, my attention is focused solely on the bottom screen.

This is, I gather, how most people play DRPGs. Etrian Odyssey puts even more of the focus on the bottom screen by forcing you to draw the map as you walk (hence the bevy of icons and paintbrushes it offers you when filling in the grid). If you try to play by looking at the environment, you’ll quickly realize how much of the area is just copy-pasted assets that are difficult to navigate by. The map isn’t just a “guide;” the game feels less like a first-person dungeon crawler and more like game with a top-down POV where your avatar is represented by that arrow on the map. If you watch gameplay videos and only pay attention to the top screen, you’ll be blown away by how fast it seems like people are moving, but it makes a lot more sense when you realize that people are only paying attention to the map: people will see, “okay, I want to walk north 5 tiles, turn 90 degrees left, then walk west 2 tiles,” and then just input that series of actions faster than the walking animation can actually play out on screen.

I’m half convinced that the reason Etrian Odyssey took off more than any other DRPG is that, due to being on the DS, it has an entire screen dedicated to the map, whereas in a game like Demon Gaze, your screen is mostly taken up with what amounts to decorative filler while the part of your brain that’s focused on gameplay has to focus on a mini-map in the corner of the screen:

So, perhaps you can understand how it is that I played this game for 50 hours, yet have no recollection of the scene/location depicted in this screenshot. It’s because close to 100% of my focus was on the mini-map. I experienced most of this game as an abstraction.

There’s a real sense in which DRPG players (I’m talking about myself here) want everything in the game to be an abstraction. The ideal length for a combat animation is “as long as it takes for me to read how much damage the attack did, so please just advance the battle as fast as I’m pressing the X button.”

Video games are inherently abstractions of real things, like the way that adding the pyramids to my build queue in Civilization V is an abstraction of what it’s actually like to build the pyramids in ancient Egypt, or left clicking in Counter-Strike is an abstraction of what it’s like to fire a gun, but they usually try to call back to the things that they’re abstractions of. Civilization gives you an inspiring quote from some historian describing the pyramids, and Counter-Strike tries to have animations and sounds that somewhat reflect the behavior of real guns. But in DRPGs, I don’t want the combat to be the simulation of my character swinging a sword on an enemy. All I care about is watching the numbers flash on screen, and the reward isn’t “you’ve triumphed over this vile forest-dwelling enemy,” it’s “the number on your exp meter went up.”

While games like World of Warcraft eventually become like this for a lot of people (a game with a hundred buttons that is all about managing cooldowns), you at least start from a place of walking your avatar around the world and performing actions that make your wizard look as though you’re casting a spell.  But most DRPGs start from the position of “all you care about is the numbers, right?” The game is an abstraction unto itself.  It is a game that is made for people who like looking at spreadsheets (and I most definitely spent a decent chunk of time looking at spreadsheets).

Maybe that’s why they can get away with having character designs often clash with the art style of the environment and enemies, and sometimes with the art style of other party members. Several of the character portraits in the above screenshot seem like they were drawn by different people, and there are some moments that, when you look at them in a screenshot gallery, make you think that the characters just don’t belong in the world they’re inhabiting. And while the game is sometimes visually non-cohesive in a way that becomes really obvious if you pay attention, the truth is that when you’re actually playing the game, you’re not really paying attention to all that.

For another example of this, I like to turn to Stranger of Sword City, which has a really cool aesthetic that hits you from the moment you pick up the box (or look at the title screen):

The original release of the game, on Xbox 360, was remarkably consistent with this specific style. But the Playstation Vita version of the game (which was later ported to PC)  gives you an updated character creator and your options include, well, a variety of options drawn in a variety of different styles.

I just looked at the screenshots on the Steam store page for the Stranger of Sword City and, well:

Yes, that is a Prinny in the bottom left corner. Yes, Nippon Ichi did publish this game, why do you ask?

I think one of the reasons I don’t tremendously mind the aesthetic choice (or is it a lack of choice?) in a lot of DRPGs like this to randomly have anime-style characters (even when they might be dissonant with the rest of what’s on screen) that I don’t necessarily need my paladin’s look to really communicate that they’re a holy warrior or whatever; I really just want them to be eye candy that I can appreciate in the moments when I’m distracted from the numbers. But in the end, it doesn’t actually matter that much, because, well...

DRPGs feel like they are all about function over form. (The “looking at the mini-map and not the 3D environment” is a microcosm of a playstyle that’s encouraged by a design philosophy that seems to apply to nearly everything in a “good” DRPG.) This puts them in stark contrast to, say, Persona, which involves a ton of dungeon crawling, but relies heavily on the style (which includes the battle music, the stylish combat animations, and the quips that your characters make in battle) to make that part of the game interesting.

When you down all of the enemies in Persona, part of the “reward” for that comes from getting to deal a bunch of damage to all of the enemies, but a huge part of the reward also comes from the feeling of visceral pleasure that comes in the moment when Akihiko senpai says “I’ve been waiting for this!” and you smile and agree and say, “Me too, Aki. Now give me that shot that’s so iconic it became a meme template.”

I probably would not have made it through dozens of hours of crawling through Tartarus in Persona 3 if Mass Destruction weren’t such a banger of a battle theme. But I spent just as much (if not more) time dungeon crawling in Demon Gaze despite not having Lotus Juice’s rap verses soothing my ears during those battles, which I guess maybe stands as a testament to how good Demon Gaze was at making the game fun?

Ultimately, the abstraction that every RPG leveling system gets toward is “your character gets stronger.” Maybe DRPGs are better than any other genre at removing any abstractions that would serve as a barrier between you and that goal.  And the best DRPGs also give you formidable challenges that give you ample reason to want to become stronger: games like Etrian Odyssey are notorious for their difficulty. I feel the difficulty is a bit overhyped; much like my feelings on Dark Souls, Etrian Odyssey only really feels “hard” when compared with other games where the player is never put plausibly close to a failure state whereas Dark Souls and EO actually punish the player for making mistakes, and EO also has the “X-factor” of having enough variance (due to things like random crits) that you actually do want to give yourself a decent margin for error. Which is to say, EO is one of the RPGs where you actually care a lot about having a team that’s strong enough to kill a boss in 8 turns instead of 10 turns, since that’s 20% fewer chances for an unfortunate event to send you back to home base. Powering up your team in EO feels important and significant way more than it does in a lot of other JRPGs.

There is a very real sense in which the entire point of the obligatory spreadsheet companion is to aid you in your quest to become the strongest you can be by breaking the game somehow. The thing I do remember about Demon Gaze (not concretely, but in the abstract) was that there were some item/class combinations that were wildly better than the alternatives. Some might deride this as poor balance, but in my eyes, “breaking” a game in that way is really more akin to “solving” it, in the same way that one might “solve” a puzzle. I did it: I found right combination of skills and items to trivialize the game’s difficulty! Huzzah! In a “well-balanced” game where all items and classes were all carefully tuned to be equally viable, such a thing would not be possible. Thus, what others might consider “poor balance” in some DRPGs is actually an essential and core part of what compels me to spend time with those games.

I feel like these factors and more make DRPGs somewhat unique in a way that probably contributes to them reviewing poorly. For example, if you look among discussions on DRPG forums about recommended games, there seems to be universal consensus that Stranger of Sword City is a great game (with many praising it as the best DRPG they’ve ever played), but on OpenCritic, only 45% of critics recommend it, and I think all of this is perfectly encapsulated by a 6/10 review from TheSixthAxis:

Stranger of Sword City excels at one thing, and really flounders at the others. It’s a rewarding experience if you’re a fan of challenging RPGs and gameplay depth. If you’re a fan of well-written dialogue, engaging music or proper difficulty curves though…well….there are a lot of other video games out there that may suit you better.

And that’s the kind of thing that makes me want to locate a guide, crack open a spreadsheet, and start a new save file.

Anyway, the Stranger of Sword City is on sale for 80% on Steam right now. That’s $4, for a game that I paid $40 for when it first came out on Vita! I’m tempted to buy it again, just for the convenience of being able to play it on my monitor without having to dig around to locate my old Vita TV.

Obey me! Scarred, Chapt. 7

Plot: It’s time for the next step in Diavolo’s plan to unify the  realms. But, in order to work, the demons would be subjected to confront  their worst fears, and in some cases, who they are.

Trigger warning: None that i can think of

Word count: 2377

“Ya got to be kiddin’ me, I ain’t gonna wear this weird…uh…um…shirt I guess? To the damn ball.” Mammon threw the garment at Asmodeous bed, who made a cartoonish shriek.

 “Mammon! You idiot! Do you have any idea how long it takes to steam the wrinkles off? And you are not going to do it, so its me the one who has to put their skin at risk in that heat just because you can’t be careful.” Asmodeous took the piece of clothe and hanged it on his closet, making sure no wrinkle was visible.

 “Whatever, I don’t care. I have more important things to be doing than playing dress up with you two.”

 “Who said I was playing dress up?” Mc looked up from the bed, barely maintaining eye contact with Mammon.

 “Then why are ya here?”

 “You literally dragged me out of my room so I would accompany you here.” Mc sat down; their eyes now open but not focusing on anything. “Plus, Asmo said there would be wine, so.” Asmodeous laughed and stuck his tongue out at Mammon, who huffed and growled in response. “C’mon, just sit down. Everything in here has been so chaotic since…well, God arrived that Lucifer has a headache 24/7. We are the only ones acting normal.” Mc sighed, they were worried for the others, but the demos refused to talk about what had happen, what that caused them to act this way.

 “That’s not true, Levi hasn’t left his room in three whole days. That’s very Levi of him.” Asmo gave Mammon a glass of wine before sitting on the bed. Mammon made a point of sniffing it in case Asmo put anything weird in it, before just chugging everything down in one go.

 “That ain’t entirely true. The other day, I went to see Levi, and the dweeb wasn’t doing anything. And I don’t mean as in, wasting time playing games and shit, no, he was literally buried under at least seven blankets and was just starring at Henrys tank all the time. Barely even acknowledge me.”

 “Is that so?” Prompted Asmo.

 “I payed him a visit. There was no sound on or anything, I called him, and he just yelled for me to leave him alone. I want to help but how can I help when he won’t tell me what’s wrong?” Mc groaned; they loved the seven idiots. At this point they were family to Mc, and that meant what affected the boys affected them.

 “That is a little weird of him. I mean, he would never reject anyone that offered to watch anime or play videogames with him.” Asmo refilled all the cups.

 The three of them stayed silent for a moment. Asmodeous chewed on his lower lip before sighing.

 “Has Satan talked to any of you?” Mammon and Mc shook their heads. “Me neither, I tried giving him a book the other day, and he literally threw it at my face. He is out of control.” Once again, silence, this time broken by Mammon.

 “What about Belphie and Beel? I haven’t seen Beel eat more than half a plate of food for over a week now. He IS the Avatar of Gluttony. His whole thing is food.”

 “We baked him some cupcakes to try and cheer him up. He didn’t even touch them.” Asmo replied, pointing at Mc and then at himself. “Like, I know they were probably not that good, but they were better than Solomon’s cooking, which mean Beel would normally have eaten them with no problem.”  

 “Belphegor hasn’t slept in days.” Mc starred at their now empty cup.

 “How do ya know that?”

 “He won’t leave my room. He has stayed with me for a couple days, every time I wake up, I see him awake. All he does is stare at a bracelet on his hand.” Mc looked up at Asmo and Mammon, they all had the same expression on their faces.

 “Anyway,” Asmo tried to sound as chipper as possible, forcing a smile on his lips. “Mammon, you said you had some more important things to care about. What is that all about?”

 “Oh, so you know that one-time Mc…Belphie and I working at Hell’s Kitchen?” Mammon’s voice went quiet when mentioning Belphegor before picking up the tone he had started the sentence with. “Well, the dudes still had my phone, and it seems that a customer wants me personally to do his delivery. And get this, they will pay whatever amount I demand, all so I, the Great Mammon deliver some food and stuff. Can you believe this?” Mammon rested his back on the backrest of the chair while taking a long sip.

 “That sounds a little suspiciou-” Asmodeous was cut short by Mc’s tired voice.

 “I’m worried about them.” Silence fell momentarily in the room. None of them daring to speak up. The situation was getting worse by the day, their family was hurting, and they didn’t even knew why. It was scary, knowing that people you loved were going trough something and not being able to do anything about it.

 “So am I” Lucifer’s voice cut in, pulling a chair and taking a whole bottle of wine that had yet to be open.

 “Oi! How long have you been listening in?” Mammon jumped at Lucifer’s voice before sitting straight in the chair.

 “There was no need for me to “listen in”, you three were talking loud enough that I could hear it in the kitchen.” The bags under the man’s eyes were noticeable, he had a demeanor that screamed how little care the man was putting on himself. His form seemed weaker and his tone did not have the usual authoritative undertone. Lucifer popped off the cork of the bottle and took a long sip. He wasn’t wearing his usual coat, vest open and with no tie.

 “Are you okay?” Mc asked, leaving their cup on the side. Lucifer only gave a dry sarcastic laugh before just looking at the ceiling.

 “Am I okay? Of course, why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like ever since I saw my father’s face, I have been plagued with nightmares of him hurting another member of my family. Or the fact that when we are supposed to as closer as we can possible be, my brothers and my own son are more shut off than ever. Satan went back to hating me with every fiber of his being, Beelzebulb won’t talk to anyone, Belphegor and Leviathan have just shut off completely from the entire world.” Lucifer sighed, passing a hand through his hair.

 Asmodeous felt tempted to take the bottle off from Lucifer, the man was not feeling well, and having him drunk would not do any good. He tried to do so, but Lucifer only shook his head, looking at Asmo, giving his younger brother a small smile before he caught Mammon starring. His expression was that of a child who had found out Santa Clause was not real, of a child whose hero turned out to be just a man who could get hurt, bleed, and die.

 In all their years alive, Mammon had never seen Lucifer in such a helpless manner. It was like whatever drive had been keeping him functioning had met its limit, needed replacement or something. The man who was more of a father to any of them that their actual father could ever be, the man who, even though was the literal personification of pride, threw his reputation and believes away and damned himself to a life of servitude all so his little sister could have a shot at a normal life. Mammon would never say this out laud, but he appreciated how much Lucifer had sacrificed for their family.

 “Lucifer, I-” Mammon was shushed when Lucifer put up his hand.

 “I never told you two, or anyone else for that matter, about this but…after we fell, and Diavolo gave us this house, I promised myself I would do anything to keep my family together, because as long as I had you guys, I thought it would be okay. After all, we had gone through a hell of a war… and yet, somehow, we were still together, even if Lilith wasn’t there with us, I knew she was happy. And I wanted that for us as well, I wanted us to be happy. All of us.” Lucifer chuckled.

 For a few seconds, after Lucifer finished, he laughed slightly, with a somber tone to his voice. Before getting up and walking towards the door, once at the edge of it, he turned around, barely even looking at the three stunned members of his family. He wondered where he had gone wrong, where everything had gone to shit, the reasons why he couldn’t protect his family and why were they going through stuff they don’t deserve. He felt his heart ache at the memories of a lifetime ago, at the times up with his Father when they thought he loved them.

 He thought of Lilith and how much love she had to give; she was his little sister. And he would have given everything to protect her and every single member of his family, he would crawl through all the realms and sink to the bottom before trading his own life if it was necessary. But he couldn’t, even if he wanted to. He was stuck with the weight of his mistakes and the regrets that weighed him down and ate him up every day, every moment of every second of every minute of his existence. This was his life. No matter how much he tried to make the family okay, the universe seemed to punish them all.

 Lost in his thoughts, Lucifer arrived at his room. Ignoring the stack of papers in his desk and turning off his phone. Not even Diavolo was going to convince him of waking up early tomorrow. Lucifer kicked his shoes off, and without getting anything else off, he laid in bed, starring at the ceiling and wondering how could he be such a bad father and older brother.

 Across the hallway, stood two demons and a human. Whom felt as hopeless as Lucifer. Mc wanted so badly to go after Lucifer and hug him but the first they needed to cry their feelings for a second. Mc got up from the bed, leaving and empty cup on Asmodeous bed and excused themselves. Mammon sighed, passing a hand through his hair. This was all wrong, none of this should be happening, and Mammon wanted to do something about it so badly.

 “Mammon.” Asmodeous voice was hoarse and weak. Mammon ignored the feeling of tears accumulating in his eyes in order to pay attention to Asmodeous, who’s hair was covering his facial features while the younger demon starred at the floor.

 “I know.” Mammon’s tone mirrored Asmodeous. “Me too Asmo, you and all the other bunch of idiots that live in this house.” Asmodeous laughed for less than a second, looking up, and in that moment, Mammon saw that he had been crying. Mammon moved to give his little brother a hug. They stayed like that for a while, Mammon trying to regain composure while Asmodeous fully sobbed on his older brother’s shoulder.

 It was moments like this that showed them how much they did care for one another. Even if they were always fighting, and screaming at one another, they were a family. Lucifer had made sure they stood together for so long and hell would be damned if the mere presence of their father was going to change that fact. They were a family, and nothing was going to change that.

 After a few minutes, Mammon left Asmodeous alone, both agreeing to never speak of that again. For their sakes and Lucifer’s. After entering his room, Mammon put his hands over his pool table, taking in everything that had just happened. He wasn’t aware of how long he stood there, starring at nowhere while simultaneously lost in his head. The only reason he snapped out of it was because his phone started ringing.

 “What do ya want?” Mammon asked, not bothering to even check who was calling.

 “Mammon! Right?” Mammon hummed as an answer. “We finally got a hold of you. Listen kid, the customer is still requesting your presence. They want it to be delivered tonight. You in?” Mammon sighed; he was not having any of it tonight.

 “Yeah, listen here bud. Tell the costumer The Great Mammon isn’t interest in delivering no food.” He didn’t even wait for an answer before hanging up and throwing his phone over the bed, flopping in it and trying to fall asleep. Of course, that was interrupted by the phone once again. Mammon groaned. “Oi! I already told you I am not interested. Stop calling.”

 “We understand, but the customer stated that in case you refused to deliver we reassured you that he would pay very handsomely.” Mammon sighed.

 “How about this, why don’t ya take the order to the man, and you receive the pay, that way you can use that money to check yo damn ears cuz you ain’t listening to what I’m saying. I Ain’t Interested.” With that Mammon hanged up again, he got up from the bed and tried to sigh, but before he even did that the phone started ringing again. “Y’know what? I’m starting to get real mad-”

 “Mammon.” That voice… “come now, no need to be so rude.” This time, the voice that came through the phone wasn’t the same. For a moment he couldn’t quite recognize the voice, then in clicked. “I only wish to see my son. Why are you denying me from that?” It was his father.

 “You…you were the customer.” Mammon spoke in mild disbelief. He had been so tired and annoyed he didn’t even think of the possibility of his father messing with him. Yet, here he was. Even from the phone Mammon could tell his father had the most devilish grin the man could give. For a moment Mammon felt his head spin while the anticipation of hearing his father’s voice grew. Then, in a deep playful tone, almost gritted yet obviously unwelcome, his father spoke.

 “Bingo.”

Aight! Chapter seven people! This one is bit different than the normal format of “God finds a brother alone and manipulates him.” In all honestly, this chapter was not meant to exist at all, i started it trying to write the chapter for the next brother but it turned into this. I still hope y’all like this one. Next chapter will be again fallow my usual format, and I’ll probably post it Wednesday. That is all for today, hope y’all had enjoyed it sweeties :3

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

Chapter six

Chapter eight

Chapter nine

Chapter ten

Chapter eleven

Chapter twelve

Chapter thirteen

half moon ― two

You remembered the messy clothing sketches sprawled on the desk, and also remembered how proud you were when you modeled for his final assignment. The promise of you being the first one to wear his first official product was made. Years passed by and the promise was forgotten as it wasn’t meant to be kept; until you received an invitation that has B.B.H signed on it. Ironically, you found yourself confronting your past at your ex-boyfriend new collection launch event with your memories with him flashing through your mind.

☽    pairing: byun baekhyun x fem reader ☽    characters: exo members, red velver members, others. ☽    genre: angst, slice of life, adult-hood, hurt-comfort.   ☽    aus: ex to something!AU, beauty youtuber Reader, fashion designer Baekhyun ☽    warnings:  vague description of depression, suicidal situations, unhealthy relationship. ☽    word count: 2.4k

☽   half moon masterlist  |   general masterlist

― note: please take the warning seriously! i personally have a very hard time writing this because it reminded me of all those times i have been put in a situation similar like that. enjoy the short update!

― taglist: @fullsuninbloom / @in3vitably3v3 / @itsbaekhyunsbutt / @byunbeautifulb / @yeol-wish​. let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged!

Eighteen years old her would not believe how she would be standing in her current position right now. With people of influence from across the globe crowding inside a room to attend a launch event of a brand that is successful. Her past self wouldn’t believe that she would be standing in the middle of a crowd, taking pictures to upload on her social media with champagne on her hand. 

The night after the awkward encounter with Baekhyun feels so surreal for her, walking back to her friends with her cheeks flushed red and thoughts in a jumble of mess. She couldn’t blame it on the liquor, she hadn’t taken one when she talked to her ex-boyfriend. Yet, his presence was enough to make her drunk. 

Great time, can’t wait to review the new products soon! Xx. She typed for her instagram story that showcases the event of the night. Before she even gets to press the post button, Seulgi is calling out to her name, ever so softly.  

“It’s picture time, you want to come?” Seulgi questioned her. There is nothing new about taking pictures at the designed booth of an event, but she hesitated to agree. Baekhyun would be there, she knew as much. After all, nobody could go home from an event without taking a picture with the owner of it. 

A sigh escapes her lips, she knew ten years had passed since her romance with Baekhyun died, but it would be a lie if she doesn’t feel the same spark when she encountered him earlier. Then again, a picture wouldn’t hurt.. right? So she grins at her best friend, nodding her head then to agree. 

But of course, it would. 

Baekhyun didn’t change at all, at least with his act of affection. He was flirty with every of his guests―male and female―, putting his arm around them, smiling at them so sweetly, and even holding one of the guest’s hands for whatever reason it was.

She shouldn’t feel like this, like her emotions are eating her up alive. There is no valid reason on why she should be jealous; knowing that Baekhyun is a man whose language of love is skinship. She tried her best to shrug it off, to not look, and it wasn’t until Seulgi nudged her shoulder that she realized she had been glaring at Baekhyun for a good two minutes. 

“Coming here is a bad idea. Very, bad.” She groans, gripping on Seulgi’s arm ever so tightly. The chuckle that came out of Seulgi’s lips are comforting, it was one of her chuckles that indicates she understood. 

“It will be okay. We’ll get out of here, he’ll be gone again, and you’ll forget about him.” Seulgi reassures.  Oh, how she wished she could trust her best friend. 

And it is frustrating how she knows she wouldn’t forget about him as when it was her turn, Baekhyun’s smile turned into something that is different. His smile was gorgeous, the smile that she remembered was reserved for her and only her when they were dating. His signature smile where only the edge of his lips curled, a lopsided smile that always made her body tremble. 

Oh, how much she wished Baekhyun was still hers. 

It was nonchalant, the way Baekhyun leaned in to her and wrapped his arm around her waist to take a picture. But she wouldn’t miss how tight his fingertips are on her skin, as if he wouldn’t let go. She genuinely wished he doesn’t, but when the stutter sound reaches her ears, Baekhyun pulls away right away. 

What she didn’t notice was when Baekhyun slipped in something to her slightly opened purse.

The entire ride back home with Seulgi and Sehun is quite awkward on her part, only listening to the couple’s random banters without her joining. She usually helps Seulgi in bullying Sehun, but with her mind filled with Baekhyun, she couldn’t find the strength to do so. 

She wasn’t always like this, she was always cheerful despite the hardship she faced, her head always held high as if nothing will ever ruin her happiness. It was only after Baekhyun left her and took those parts of her away together with him. 

For some people, ten years is a long time for someone to move on. And she used to think the same way too, because who could stay in love with someone even after ten years of separation? Then again, her relationship with Baekhyun has always been more special. 

Baekhyun was not her first love, neither was he her first everything. She had her fair share of ex-boyfriends before Baekhyun, even after him, but nobody ever came close to what she had with him. 

Because nobody went through so many hardships with her for five years, nobody held her close the way Baekhyun did and made sure she’s safe and sound, nobody loved her permanent wounds as much as he did, and nobody loved her as much as Baekhyun did.

There was a point in her life after her separation with Baekhyun where she realized she depended herself too much on him, that she knew being apart from him was a good thing, that her love for Baekhyun had started to get unhealthy. Relapses are not uncommon in her part where she collapsed in her bathroom door begging for someone to save her, but she managed to walk past that, opening a new chapter in her life with memories and wounds forgotten. 

If there was anything Baekhyun had taught her, it was how to love herself. If Baekhyun was able to love her through and through; why couldn’t she do the same?

The road for her to be able to value and love herself wasn’t easy, there are so many trials and errors. What matters is the fact that she managed to pick her life back together and be as successful as she is now. 

Baekhyun coming to her life after ten years of separation only made her realize that after all these times, her feelings for Baekhyun are still deeply rooted inside of her. She may have realized that she no longer depended on her happiness to him, but she acknowledged that she wished her romance with Baekhyun never came to an end. 

Her thoughts are cut short when Seulgi calls her name, questioning her how she’s feeling. Making her sigh before answering to her best friend.

“I’m not sure, honestly.” Mumbled her, her fingers unconsciously playing with the hem of her outer shirt. “I never imagined I would be able to converse with him, let alone meeting him at an event like this.”. It’s a lie, of course she knew it is inevitable to not meet him under her earlier circumstances. 

“I was shocked when you came up to him like that. What did you guys even talk about in that short period of time?” Sehun asked her, taking a glance at her from his rear view mirror. 

A groan escapes from her lips the same time Seulgi pinches him, leave it to Sehun to be rather insensitive in a situation like this. She stays quiet for a little, recalling her little reunion with Baekhyun earlier at the event, in the middle of the venue with curious eyes focused on them. 

“He only asked how I’ve been, and automatically I asked the same,” she huffs, “which are dumb because I know very well how he had been.” 

Sehun chuckled then, quietly making a U-turn to her apartment complex. “That’s good, at least he didn’t make you cry.” 

Before she could answer Sehun with insulting words, her phone rings indicating there is a new notification. Taking it as a great chance to ignore Sehun to check her phone that she had been ignoring throughout the event. The first, newest notification, manages to make her squeaked rather uglily. 

INSTAGRAM: [baekhyun]: mentioned you in a story.

“How the fuck he knew my Instagram account!?” She screamed to her phone, completely forgetting the presence of her two best friends. Her heart beat is going faster, she could even hear how loud her heart thumping because of that one notification. 

“Has it crossed your little brain that it might be his social media admin who posted it?” Sehun questioned her mockily. She shook her head right away, defending her statement then. 

“No, this is his personal Instagram account, not his official brand account. Whatever, he was probably just posting every picture he took with everyone earlier.” 

Before she could even think about what Baekhyun posted, Sehun announced that they had arrived in her apartment building. Both her best friends bidding her goodbye and an unnecessary good luck for no reason at all. She did notice the soft smile adorning Seulgi’s lips though, making her wonder what’s inside her friend’s head.

She doesn’t remember much what happened the night at the event the moment she opened her eyes. There is no after taste of alcohol in her throat and she doesn’t wake up with a massive headache. It is enough of a sign that she didn’t drink alcohol the night before. With a sigh, she took her phone to check her notifications―nothing weird, just the usual new partnership emails and contracts that she needs to review later. 

As she mindlessly scrolled through her notifications bar, she noticed one unopened notification from Instagram. She winches a little at the username, getting a reminder of his husky yet soft voice and gentle touches last night. Her sleepy state decided that it is time to open and see what Baekhyun had posted on his Instagram Story. 

The post is nothing out of the ordinary, just a picture of them―rather awkwardly―standing next to each other with a smile on their face. What led her heart to beat faster was his caption, and the way he slipped his hand inside her shirt pocket. 

Lovely to see you again. Here’s to a smooth sailing future for the both of us. Was what he wrote as a caption, for his fans, of course it wouldn’t be odd that he wrote his caption that way.. but a smooth sailing future? For the both of them? What the hell it was supposed to mean. 

What’s more unsettling for her is the fact that Baekhyun didn’t post another story with his other guests, only with her, with a caption that led her heart beat faster. 

She doesn’t want to think about it, because if she does, she would read too much into things and nothing great would come from it. So she shrugged it off, placing her phone down on her bed to even out her breathing. 

Inhale, exhale, everything is going to be alright. After all, she’s nothing like her past self. She has a great stable job, lives in a good environment, and is crowded by only the best people. There is nothing to worry.

With a reminder of how grateful and how much she loves her job, she gets up from her bed to stretch her sore limbs. Opening the curtain in her room to greet the sun with a smile on her face. It is only ten in the morning, she notices. The day is still long and she could do her job peacefully without any deadlines rushing her. 

There are plenty of things she could do, going out to get herself a cup of coffee while editing one of her videos that she had recorded the days before would be a great choice for her to not procrastinate, she deems. Nonetheless how much she adores and loves being alone inside her apartment, she of course enjoys being outside too. 

She didn’t have much thought when she was done dressing herself up, going out with only a t-shirt and a pair of worn out jeans, dressing for her own comfort as she knew she would spend at least two hours sitting and looking at her laptop screen.

The smell of the familiar brew of coffee greeted her nostrils the moment she opened the door to the coffee shop she often visits. Making her lips stretch into a smile and positivity filled her body. Right away, she walks towards the line of people that are queuing to order, minding her own business by focusing on her phone to reply to any texts she received. 

She barely notices her surroundings, making her jump in shock when a very familiar voice calls her name. It doesn’t take her a second to even realize who had called her, knowing how she used to listen to that voice every day in her past. 

Turning her head to where the voice belonged, her eyes widened at the figure in front of her. Byun Baekhyun; fresh and blood, extremely attractive with his slightly oversized black hoodie and messy bed hair. She timidly waves her hand at him, unconsciously stepping to the side to give him space to stand next to her. 

“Didn’t know I’ll see you in here.” Baekhyun softly said once he stood next to her, his eyes set on her figure. She nods her head as an answer, not knowing what else she could talk about. Of course, he was right. Out of all places, she never thought she would see her ex standing next to her in her favorite coffee shop. 

“I live nearby,” she said shortly, continuing her words then for the sake of courtesy. “What about you?” 

Baekhyun's eyes rounded at her answer, then his lips stretched into a smile. “I just moved to this neighborhood, actually. Too many people have discovered where I lived so, yeah.” 

“I see. I hope you enjoy being around here.” 

He just laughs at that, nodding his head towards her. They stood in silence then, both of them aware of the awkward atmosphere around them. When it was their turn to order, Baekhyun took the liberty to tell the cashier her order, making her stunned. He doesn’t say much as they wait for their order, she doesn’t dare to say anything too. 

Only after they received their order did he break the silence, “I have to go,” was what he said as he took a glance on his silver wristwatch, then patting her head with his left hand. “I left you my number the other day, maybe you didn’t realize.. but, contact me, yeah? I would love to catch up.” 

She just nod awkwardly at him, seeing his lopsided smile before he turned around to walk outside the coffee shop. The supposedly cold drink in her hand feels too warm. After all the years they separated, he still remembered her favorite coffee order―and she’s sure her heart will soon fail her with how rapidly it is beating.

“One cafe latte with two espressos shot for the lady.”

― additional note: this chapter is so tiring to write and that is why i couldn’t even bother to continue writing more even though the gdoc has around 4k in it, so i decided to finish the chapter right here. do let me know what you thought of this one!! i appreciate it a lot <3