#it makes me feel bad about the fic im working on! :(
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Valentine (c.g)
“i blinked and suddenly i had a valentine”
a/n: inspired by valentine by laufey! this is really bad but i have nothing else to post so this will have to do. me and @gr7mes did laufey inspired fics so go look at hers 😋.
pairings: carl grimes x fem!reader
c/w: fluff (again ik i have no variety) kissing, lower case intended, use of y/n, not proof read yet.
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you and carl were currently sitting down backs leant against a tree near his house. his arm wrapped around your shoulder while you both just sat. enjoying each others company sitting peacefully next to each other. making jokes from time to time as the bright sun shinned down on the two of you having your hand cover your face shielding you from the light.
ever since you confessed your feelings for carl, and you found out he liked you back. you no longer knew how to act around him. just the thought of someone liking you left a funny feeling in your stomach.
you had both started dating about a week or two ago. though the feelings between the two of you were definitely mutual, you almost felt like you were just too awkward. you were always awkward around carl as everything he did made your heart flutter. you had never been in relationship before and you felt out of place. there was always a voice in the back of your head telling you, you weren’t doing enough. carl was so sweet to you always reassuring you of how much he loved you.
any sort of affection he tried to show you, though you appreciated it. you turned it down not wanting to get yourself attached. you tried your best to not get get too close to anyone, i mean in a world like this you weren’t ready to grow attached to some one just yet.
i’ve rejected affection for years, and years.
he was always saying cute things like “i love you” or “your so beautiful” and you responded in the worst ways possible. or sometimes you didn’t respond at all, you felt like you weren’t ready for a relationship. but you wanted to be, you loved carl so much and you definitely wanted to be with him. you just were never taught about this relationship stuff, and didn’t know how to tell him that.
now i have it, and damn it, its kinda weird
you would think not having relationship experience either carl would be about just as awkward as you were. but for some reason he just had a natural charm that he always used on you, and oh it certainly worked.
as you guys still sat next to each other, hand in hand, your minds both else where. carl decides to break the silence between the two of you.
“you’re so pretty.” he says looking down at you with a soft smile on his face. you were beyond flattered by the compliment but you couldn’t seem to come up with a response to it. carl was always the type to give you random compliments out of the blue for no reason.
he tells me that im pretty, don’t know how to respond.
“uh- you too.” you giggle awkwardly, immediately the embarrassment washed over you when you had realized what you said. you can’t believe you just said that, he just complimented you and you responded like that.
i tell him that he’s pretty too, can i say that? don’t have a clue.
all he does is laugh softly at your comment causing you to get even more embarrassed. your face growing a deep cherry red as you wish you could go back in time at that moment.
“im sorry carl.” you began to apologize, carl was so sweet to you and you couldn’t even form a sentence around him.
“for what?” he glances at you face full of confusion. he wondered why would you be apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong?
every time you were around carl or he said something to you, you got so easily flustered. you didn’t want things to be awkward between the two of you and you felt like you always made it like that.
“i don’t know, i just feel like your to good for me.” “your so nice to me and i cant even be a good girlfriend.” you say looking back at him frowning slightly.
“i mean your always giving me compliments and little gifts you find.” you say fiddle with your fingers in anxiety of what he might respond.
“that’s ridiculous, your the best and only girlfriend i could ever ask for.” he says in disbelief that you would ever think less of yourself.
carl saw you for what you were, you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever met. he couldn’t ask for anyone better because you were all he ever needed. it hurt him that you didn’t view yourself in the same way.
“you mean it?” you say smiling up at him
'Cause I think I've fallen In love this time
he smiles back, reassuringly reaching out to caress the side of your face. he would do anything to prove his love to you. he almost enjoyed how flustered you’d get by his simple words. he didn’t understand why you being awkward was a problem. he no longer wanted you to feel ashamed of how you reacted to certain things he did or said.
I blinked and suddenly, I had a Valentine
“of course i do.” “why wouldn’t i?” all you do is smile at his comforting words, him smiling right back. oh to be loved by carl grimes was truly an experience.
“you want me to prove it?” he says in a low tone of voice.
your eyes widened in both shock and anticipation. as usual you couldn’t seem to come up with a response to what he had said.
after a few moments of silence he cups both sides of your face, pulling you in for a gentle kiss. his soft lips on yours almost drove you crazy. his lip’s against yours almost felt
What if he's the last one I kiss?
you kiss back hesitantly at first, but slowly ease into the kiss more growing comfortable with your lips against his. he finally pulls apart from you after what felt like ages, your cheeks still a bright shade of red.
What if he's the only one I'll ever miss?
“you believe me now?” he says laughing as you do the same. carl grimes was the only person who could ever make you feel this way, and im sure he knew of it.
The first one to ever like me back, I'm seconds away from a heart attack
“sure thing grimes.” you say your heart still beating at a rapid pace just thinking about the kiss. more silence lingers between the two of you before he speaks again.
“i love you so much, y/n.”
“i love you too carl.” smiling to yourself as you lean your head against his shoulder.
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And honestly, I can't believe I get to call you mine.
a/n: zoes is much better than mines so go look at hers!!
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hi!! i really love your writing and i would love if you could feed me with a request (only if you're comfortable with it, ofc) 👉🏼👈🏼 what about a leon x reader where reader is passing through a very tough depressive crisis and is really not fine mentally speaking — and leon just try to help and comfort them through this? 👉🏼👈🏼
anyway, thank you for your fics, they really helped me these days 😭💗
Anchor
Pairing: Leon Kennedy x GNPartner!Reader
Summary: It is 1 am when Leon Kennedy knocks on your door. He shouldn't be there and you shouldn't have opened it.
Warning tags: hurt/comfort, angst, leon almost died, reader is suffering with anxiety due to past events, can be read as platonic or romantic (you choose)
Writer's Notes: hello! first of all, im sorry i took so long to write this request for you. i changed some stuff and i hope you don't mind (reader is still depressed). thank you so much your kind words and i hope this fic serves as comfort for you!! <333 stay safe anon!
for more painful leon's fics, check my masterlist. i have some happy ones too :)
It is 1 am when Leon Kennedy knocks on your door. It is the third time that week only, the fifth of the month.
It starts when you don’t appear at work after two weeks since his return, and no one knows where you are. HR informs you are sick, which means you are still alive somewhere in the world, just sick. Okay, but sick with what? Sick how? Are you in the hospital? Do you need any help? Leon knows you don’t have family around, like him, and you are pretty much alone - like him.
So, as any regular worried friend would, he calls and texts. He wants to hear your voice and guarantee that you don’t need help and have everything you need. That you truly are okay. No answer. HR has guaranteed him you are not dead, but what if you—no, he shouldn’t think about that.
The next step is going to your house. He knows where your address is and wouldn’t be a complete weird appearing there in the afternoon. No answer. Leon won’t be a creep as far as looking at your windows, at least not yet. He won’t go as far as busting your door and checking how you are feeling because he needs to confirm you are okay. You might just not be home.
On the second visit, Leon got awfully close to kicking your door. Before he could do that or even knock, he saw a shadow pass over the window. Though Leon told himself he wouldn’t, he looked inside just in time to see you disappear to the second floor. So, at least you are really alive, Leon’s body filling with relief. It could have been a bad case of flu, and you don’t want to contaminate anyone.
One more week passes, and he visits your house two more times. Those times you didn’t even bother to hide yourself, lazily lying down on the sofa in a way Leon couldn’t see your face (oh yeah, now he is definitely peeking out your windows). So you are genuinely ignoring him or truly sick with some contagious disease. Maybe Covid?
The fifth time he knocks on your door, it is 1 am and Leon is deeply not only worried but bitter. He was sitting in his apartment alone, wondering what you had and why you didn’t open the door for him. You two are colleagues, and Leon would dare to go as far as to call you his friend if anyone asked. How many times have you brought him soup while he was sick? Brought him meds, kept him company? Checked on him until he was finally all better?
It would be only fair if he did the same.
Leon grabs his keys without even thinking: You will open the door for him tonight. And if you don’t, well, he will kick it open. To hell with the civil approach.
-x-
All the courage slips away from his body when he notices the kitchen’s light on. Leon can’t see anything inside since you decided to make his life harder and close the curtains. So, instead of kicking that door until it’s down, Leon goes back to the gentle approach (like the idiot he is): he knocks.
The door opens not even ten seconds later, and Leon blinks, surprised. You are there. You, not a trick of his eyes: a fluffy and long blanket covering your body, only your face peeking with a familiar expression Leon recognizes immediately - he had seen in his own mirror before.
“You won. What the fuck do you want?” Those are the first words to him in weeks.
“May I come in?”
You ponder for a moment, your eyes red, and Leon wonders when you last slept. You walk away, leaving the door open, and Leon follows inside, locking the door behind him.
Your house isn’t in the best state. He had been here before and thought you weren’t the most organized person (“I can find myself in my own mess, Leon.”). The mess had grown too much from normal. There were tons of take-out boxes on the kitchen counter, pizza boxes, and fast food bags. At least you had been eating—not the best food ever, but feeding. He could work with that.
And the bottles—oh, those Leon would identify anywhere. You weren’t a heavy drinker, and you mentioned plenty of times you didn’t know how he liked whiskey. Now, there were countless empty bottles of whiskey, beer, and vodka, so much so that the place looked like a bunch of frat boys had a party just the night before and didn’t bother to clean.
Leon follows you to the living room as you fall onto the couch. An old Simpsons episode plays on the TV screen. There are still some bags and bottles on the floor, but fewer. Your eyes focus on the TV, not really watching or paying attention to him. Leon stands there, keeping a safe distance from you and gathering what to say.
“I came to check on you.” Leon starts, his eyes glued on you. “You haven’t called or texted me back. The HR said-”
“I am sick. I wanted to be left alone.”
“I know, but-”
“I could complain about this to HR, you know? It could be considered an invasion of privacy, and you could lose your job. “
“I was worried about you.”
“You saw me in the window that day, didn’t you? I’m alive and breathing. Now get out.”
You hide your face in the sofa, conversation clearly done on your side. It feels like an impossible battle to win. Leon then tries again, “Do you need anything?”
“No. Get out.”
He sighs, turning on his heels. Leon wants to say you can call if you need him, any time, but Leon knows you wouldn't. This is an impossible battle to win, Leon realizes as he starts to leave. But then he freezes, a memory piercing his thoughts. Leon comes back to the living room, your face still hidden.
“No.”
“What?”
“I am not leaving. Not before I know what is wrong.”
“I am sick.”
“Yes. So I have heard.”
You don’t turn to look at him, and that’s fine. If you want to be stubborn, so could he. Leon can wait. The episode on the TV finally ends, and as the familiar opening plays in the background, you slowly turn in his direction, one eye appearing first, then the other, as if expecting Leon would be gone by now. Unlucky for you, Leon S. Kennedy didn’t give up that easily, especially for his friends.
“I don’t know what you are feeling, but I know that face.” His voice manages to sound neutral.
Of course, he does. Of course, your partner, the legendary D.S.O veteran, would know. You, just a newbie, would have no idea what he went through, but Leon didn’t seem the kind of person to crumble for anything. Leon would probably be fine if you were the one to get shot, not him. He wouldn’t have panicked, he wouldn’t have started crying, screaming for someone to help them, losing themselves in a sea of despair and pain.
“Hey…”
Blood. So much blood in your hands. You are useless, you can’t help him as Leon’s face loses color-
“Hey.”
He deserved someone better—someone much better as a partner—not you, a weak agent who thought you were strong enough to stand by his side. Oh, how wrong you were.
Leon calls your name, more urgent this time, and your line of sight is filled with the face of the man you considered your friend right at your path—concerned blue eyes, his hair tickling against your face. His forehead is in concentration, the faint ghost of a beard, as he speaks soothingly. “Hey, look at me. You are safe. Deep breaths, come on.”
The visions mix as you blink: Leon losing blood in your arms, unconscious, back to being safe, his worried eyes staring at you.
Your rapid breathing noise fills the room, your heart wanting to burst as the pain spreads over your body, the pain worse than being stabbed or punched. You keep your eyes on Leon - he is fine, he is safe, he is well, he is worried sick about you- as he continues to nod and tell you to breathe.
It takes a while, Leon’s hands on your shoulder as you finally calm down, the tears rolling freely from your eyes.
“I am sorry.” You manage to whisper. “I am so sorry.”
“You are safe. We both are safe.” Leon declares, and you take that in. Right now, yes. But what about tomorrow? What about-? “Hey, eyes open at me.” When had you even closed them? “Come on. There is no one else, just you and me. And we are safe.”
You nod, not arguing back. Finally, you sit down, and Leon takes two steps back. “Water?”
“I think there are some in the fridge,” you reply, cleaning your tears. Leon leaves and quickly comes back with two bottles, unbottling them for you. You shake your head, but Leon insists, and you drink in small sips, the cold liquid refreshing your dry throat. When was the last time you had any water? Or took a shower? Or slept?
Finally, you give him space on the couch to sit. Leon doesn’t, and you point your head to your side, and he sits, keeping a safe distance from you. You two say nothing for a while, simply looking at the TV to watch Bart Simpsons on his shenanigans.
“I am sorry.”
“Would you stop that?” Leon sighs back, frustrated.
“No. I am sorry.”
“Fine. I forgive you. Are we good now?”
“No.”
“I knew it wouldn’t be,” Leon replies with a sad smile.
“You could have died, and I didn’t-” Leon says your name, but you continue “-let me finish. I didn’t help. I didn’t move. I did nothing.”
Leon didn’t want to talk about this, knowing it was inevitable. The day he took a bullet for you: not one, but two. Leon noticed before you, his reflexes quicker than yours. It was his responsibility anyway.
You only watched, shocked, as the bullet pierced his leg, then his chest. You didn’t move or flinch; you just froze, your hands closing and opening nervously as Leon fell right in front of you. You had been fortunate that the backup team had arrived on the other second, finding in the middle of the swarm of bullets a screaming you protecting Leon with his own body, all training thrown out of the window. You two should have been dead. Life had given you and him another chance, since no other vital organ or vein of Leon had been damaged.
You don’t remember much after except asking for your resignation that same day and getting a “No” as an answer. So you decided to get on sick leave until some higher-up got tired and fired you.
“I did nothing.” Leon tries to interrupt you again, but you continue, “You could have died, and I did nothing.”
“It wouldn’t be your fault.”
“What? Of course, it would!”
“No, it would not.”
“Can you fucking stop trying to make me feel better?” Your tone is so angry, so vile, that Leon almost flinches.
Death is always in the back of his mind. Every time he is out there, he could die. He is expandable; they all are, but he couldn’t just let you die. You a much smarter version of what he once was during Raccoon City. The same bravery, but not foolish as his. Much sharper. Leon knew why he got paired up with you in the first place, the irony not completely lost in him.
It would have been fine if Leon died that day he protected you, but not okay if you did. Not on his watch. Not now, not ever.
“I can’t help it,” Leon replies, a sad smile on his lips. “I can’t help it, especially when a friend needs my help.”
A friend?
Do not grow attachments. Wasn’t that your first lesson? It had been hard to be paired up with a man who hated it at first, then to learn how to laugh at his silly jokes or admire how far Leon would go for anyone. For anyone, except himself, stupid brave man.
You open your mouth and close it, simply lying against the sofa with your eyes closed.
“So, let me help you?” His voice is warm and inviting.
It would be best if you said no. You should kick this man out of your living room, out of your life, and never go back to that stupid job fighting an endless battle that would end with you dead or someone you cherished dead. You don’t know how Leon does it, but as you open your eyes, his blue eyes look straight at you awaits in hope. Waiting to comfort you, support you to the best of his abilities, and be your friend.
The pain is still there, vivid in your soul and mind, but there is hope. Right there, in that tiny spot you gave Leon S. Kennedy. That’s why you shouldn’t have opened that damn door, you realize, but it is too late. You limit on nodding.
#leon kennedy x reader#leon kennedy x you#leon kennedy#leon kennedy angst#leon kennedy fic#leon kennedy fanfics#leon kennedy imagine#leon kennedy imagines#request#requests#asks#ask
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Guys guys guess what!!! I'm still struggling with health issues and writing takes a lot of effort I just don't have the energy for. But some friends decided it could be fun to do a little fanfic/fanart collab. And it's just a silly casual thing so its okay that it will take me a really long time. So im gonna be working on an enby Dazai fic that will get fanart with it!!!! I'm really excited. I hope it turns out good. This will be the first project I'm working on since I went of hiatus and im worried it will escalate my issues again but im going to try anyways. Wish me luck!!!!
#crab says words#crab writes fics#anyone that remembers that post i made back in January about enby Dazai..... thats basically what the fic will be about :D#im so hyped because so many people have expressed excitement over it now#even if it takes me a super long time to be able to finish it since its a casual thing with friends i know they wont be upset with me#i dont participate in events because people get irritated when i cant go fast enough aha#anyways yeah i just wanted to share#friendly reminder that even tho im talking about it now it does usually take me several months to write a short oneshot so it will be awhile#i hope my health issues dont make it take a lot of extra time because i will feel so bad haha 😅#if i manage to do this without a bunch of issues then i will end my hiatus and continue working on the soukoku fic :)#we shall see#i hope it all works out!!
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some of y'all make it really fucking hard to keep creating in this fandom im just gonna be honest.
#like it's one of those things where#i know it's not that deep and maybe im just really sensitive to the matter in general#because ive had my work plagiarized verbatim multiple times now.#where people have taken my words and claimed they're theirs#so im already really on edge to the subject.#but then like. taking my ideas ?? and pretending they're ur own and like it's. fanfic i know that.#but im sharing my work with you??? im writing things that are Mine and giving them to you for free.#and to have people copy it. or make tumblr accounts just to drop links to my fics and talk about them without ever talking to me??#or to talk about them on twitter and never interact with me??#or copy it or take inspiration and never credit me...#i mean it makes me feel like shit.#i love writing for this fandom but sharing stuff is really hard lately#and this kind of stuff makes me want to take down all my works and just have them for me. like they aren't *yours* they're mine.#so yeah i just feel really really bad right now. and that really hurt my feelings.#and it makes me never want to share things again.
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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Sorry for the ridiculous ask (really it's unforgivable), but:
Iceman went to NYC to see A Chorus Line in '87.
2. Confirmed watched Sound of Music with Carole for her birthday.
Am I connecting any dots here and did Ice have to go to Hamilton as a publicity stunt in the last year of the Obama presidency?
oh no anon im being very intentional with my ice-musical-theatre links. its easy lazy writing shorthand for him being gay lol. even if he isn’t actively seeing shows he does put the tonys on in the background every year just bc he likes the color and dancing
he’s not a fan of rap and he doesn’t like how Hamilton bastardized american history for its own political aims thereby convincing multiple generations of laymen of factoids that simply aren’t true (Hamilton was strictly speaking not an immigrant & could only extremely loosely be called an abolitionist of any stripe) but he’s also a milquetoast liberal so he says he likes it for clout but he’s also a military flag officer so no one is really expecting him to go see Hamilton for publicity purposes so idk
the pentagon circa 2016:
#don’t ask me about Hamilton. It’s what got me into American/military history in the first place. i literally have so many thoughts.#I did a mil history book rec post a couple months ago & in it I said Ron Chernow sometimes makes shit up?#lin Manuel Miranda was inspired by chernows biography of Hamilton but chernow Just Made Shit Up!!!!#I feel about Hamilton the way I feel about the historicity of my own fics: do not take anything as a fact. every word is#politically motivated. not a bad thing#good rhetorical goals#but it’s a work of fiction.#i got started writing fanfiction by writing Hamilton fic in 8th grade 😭😭❤️#they’re still up there!!!#on ao3!!!#still get kudos once a month or something#absolutely unreal#& I actually take all my cues of how to act in fandom spaces from one very popular historical Hamilton account on here#whom I’ve been following since 2017#they’re the ones who proved to me that fanfiction could still be as heavy and well written as literature.#so really thank Hamilton for my fics and im not joking at all.
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If i had to pick (and lbr you do) between either roman or tomgreg being canonically gay and explored in the series id pick roman 100%. Tomgreg going canon would set gay rights back by like 40 years
#like its still a big tv show they can only have one gay person on it#succ#i think tomgreg will always be reaching new insane heights of whatever the fucknis wrong with them#but roman. roman.#the gerri thing was completely a mommy issues deal#roman ‘for reasons of … we dont know why i cant pee next to other men’ roy#i enjoy watching his torment and quite frankly i cant think of anything that would turn him inside out with misery#quite like the slow tortuous realization that everything his father is disgusted by in him#are the things that make him feel happy and at peace and loved#i hope his interactions with mattson are confusing and scary and addicting and he keeps going back#mencken works too but im sorry that more boring.2 me. ohhh hes into it bc facism bad but he likes when thing bad we get it.#thats the same thing hes been doing tho#now imagine: rome but hes in a relationship with someone whos a little fascinated by him#this dettached deadeyed weirdo who doesnt roll his eyes when he speaks#and instead seems to listen to every word and remember what he says#and who maybe. just maybe. even cares about him#like mattson would definitely treat him like a bug under glass but roman ‘dog cage and chocolatte cake’ roy#would easily mistake that for love#idk not articulating it well. might write a fic abt it. we’ll see#tomgreg canon truthers btw no hate i lov the ship sorry if this shows up in the tag#but theyre definitely going to be in weird limbo forever & ever#i think at best tomgreg will become canon? (audible question mark)#i think they could fuck nasty and weird on screen and tom would start gaslighting greg into thinking it didnt happen#because nothing like. nice or good happens in the show its about misery#i want tomgreg to stay on ao3 so i can read abt tom healing after leaving waystar#anyways!#chatter
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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??
#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here#lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for#empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable#still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known#urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3#i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat#hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao#i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying#the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats#task: swept up
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OK. SO. I have finished the draft for the first part of Agustín's fic (the prequel to Spreading Out Our Ashes in the Sun), aka the first 11 chapters. There will probably be 3 parts in total.
Now my question is. Would y'all rather me edit and start publishing the first part here in the next few weeks OR do you think I should wait for the fic to be completely finished before I start publishing
#its been over a year and ive only finished the first part rip#which is why im asking at all. I was kind of hoping to have the whole fic done by now so at this point im kind of like hm.#maybe i should start publishing so it doesnt take yet another year for me to publish anything#but at the same time i kind of feel bad about the prospect of publishing part one then making people wait months for the rest of it#there is a possibility that publishing part of it now might get me to actually work on the fic more often but that might be wishful thinkin#hm on a side note i should really figure out a title for the fic lmao
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i have complex feelings about it but in td when karkat is actually like fully integrated, he is much more static because the story is... Less directly affecting him? hes there as Dave's Boyfriend largely
#Shitpost#it doesnt help that like plot wise hes literally an accessory#and im sort of. Like. Its On Purpose?#i feel a little bad about it lmao but in a way its also like. To me.#like. How its going to be when a character (metagamer nonetheless) ends up on an adventure that wasnt intended for him#hes literally Not Supposed To Be There#and hes only there because 1. Actual Coincidence 2. His Aspect (which is used to foil him and Hal)#and 3. Because i realized Dave would need a support and Karkat made the most sense for reasons 1 and 2#because if i had no karkat dave would struggle way more in ways that dont assist the story#In my original concepts i was going to have a 'this universes karkat' but doubling the trolls was going to be too much work#so i just uh. erased them instead and decided no trolls in side A#what happened to them isnt the story and i dont want to make room for something unnecessary#(see: me keeping calliopes game offscreen even though i do know it)#(Shes playing darts by herself :) )#Anyways. Karkat is Important he just is like a secondary cast member#And sometimes i feel bad about that but if he wasnt the story would get too crazy lol#and its already too huge haha#Not tagging with the fic tag because idk
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Tell me why I have two active fics that I should be working on, but I decided to spend the past few hours writing the first 5k of an entirely different one...
#i shouldnt be doing that#its a problem#but ive been thinking about this idea lately and i just need to write it because its distracting me#i have full plans to finish the other ones#but this one is just affecting me#i feel like you dont even have to ask which fandom and pairing its for#i only have one mode#but its like a 'got the bad ending have to relive the year'#kind of fic#but im also making it a genderswap#because there are so many different dynamics there#and also really cute scenes that i have in my head#and also one really really angsty one#like i said im like 5k words in#and im only to the first day of school#its gonna be a long one#im probably gonna write most of it before i start posting it though#just so i can have like a consistent posting schedule for it#i like that kind of structure#i need to go to bed though cause i have work in the morning#but i want to keep writing...#i have a problem
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Help I’m getting emotional over the way Leon tells Arthur “I know that I would ride into the mouth of hell for you.”
#its the way he says it! hes so sincere! he'll do it!#hes literally ride or die! ride and die if it becomes necissary!#i just- *flails*#it makes me feel bad about the fic im working on! :(#liv talks merlin#merlin#bbc merlin#sir leon#arthur pendragon#the sword in the stone#friends im being dragged back in to the thick of things by my ankle and my overwhelming love for this immortal fuck <3
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so, uh, i've been stuck in terms of writing the kiki/vincent fic, so much so that i'm probably gonna restart from scratch (well, i like certain scenes that i might repurpose) but i was wondering,,, what would be the best trope to write them in?
options explained under the cut!
ok so originally i was writing a kiki/vincent enemies to lovers fic where they were both online rivals but irl had no idea who they were. galena helped me flesh out some stuff but in the end i couldn't get it to where i wanted it to go, gave it some time, and now we're here. so! new versions!
so here they are!
friends to lovers - kiki and vincent meet bc of a case involving marius (this plot would've been recycled from the old fic) but, while the friendship is developing, vincent becomes captured for some reason or another and the team have to get him back
fake dating - marius asks vincent to impersonate him at an event and mc does the same to kiki. (i,, haven't decided on what the event is, but it's probably gonna be something silly) implied mc/marius.
wingman set up - marius thinks of vincent as his friend, so when he sees vincent smitten with kiki after their first interaction, he decides to play matchmaker (mc, in revenge for all the teasing kiki has done to them, helps) ((bit that was also recycled from the original))
roomates - rent is expensive, even on a personal assistant budget. they're pretty chill people that don't mind living with a pretty member of the opposite sex-- wait, did they just realize they liked their roommate?!
#sam rambles#i... genuinely started having a hard time about this#personally the roommate one holds a lot of potential but im not married to the idea#im not married to any idea really#hence: help#sam makes polls#i got really into the fic but idk it doesn't feel coherent#not in a 'its too blocky' i actually feel like it's not a bad fic i just#idk how to make kiki less hesitant? about being in a relationship?#my own inexperience is catching up to me tbh#hence: trope central in these options#i bit off more than i could chew tbh#i've been working on other things in the mean time like an artem birthday fic#and return to sender oddly enough#vyn gets stuck on the roof send tweet lmaooo
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Also like. The insane thing is like. If what I'm afraid of happening did happen, like... Sounds like a personal problem? Skill issue?? Literally not my fault? I stay so far in my own lane that actually that's a problem in and of itself. I am vibing by myself and if people get upset to whatever degree (if!!! IF!!!!!!!!) that is not on me I am my own person doing my own things.
#stuff sarah says#this will not stop the agony tho#also the only people ive ever said my worse fear about this thing to are my therapist and recentlu my best friend#bc its crazy person shit. it really is#but also... it isnt that far of a stretch from things ive experienced#bc ive had people get upset with me and say its my fault they feel bad bc i was happy abt smth or smth good happened to me#its not outlandish of my brain to make up worst case scenarios based around other fears#but like#ultimately... its not my problem#i am not directly harming others by doing things that make me happy. and if people interpret that as indirect harm... thats on them#and i need to keep remembering too that like. joy is infectious. maybe itll actually do good#again tho. im not gonna stop agonizing over it#but maybe i should just bite the bullet and push through the fear#camp nano is coming up. i could work more on my cringe fic or start new cringe fics
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I have spent the last 4 hours trying to figure out how to say three (3) sentences in Welsh for a fic.
will the majority of this fic (including these specific scenes) ever get posted or seen by anyone but me? absolutely not.
would it be easier to just put it in brackets or italics or whatever? yes, it absolutely would.
will i? no, because my brain decided "if you're going to use other languages in fics, it has to be accurate" which is true, it should be as accurate as possible.
but this isn't ever getting posted! just put it in brackets!! but it feels wrong to do that!! and so. i am putting too much work into 3 sentences that are 17 words total in english. at least i don't need a different keyboard though?
#and i definitely wouldn't go ask anyone to help me translate for a fic that won't get posted#like. if i was going to then yes. i absolutely would try and find someone who would be willing to give it a look#but this is kind of just for me so I'd feel bad about taking up their time for a personal work#but i also don't want to half-ass it!! like if i found a story where someone half-assed their research into autism or adhd. I'd be upset!#and also doing this is way easier than trying to make up like. 5 or 6 languages#im already not great with english grammar :( and that's my first language#as much as I'm fascinated by languages they make my brain hurt#potato talks#potato rambles in tags
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Thanks to Stroob tho my demons aren't rotting me from the inside anymore. I'm still gonna get them out in the tags because the rot always comes back but like, my ribs aren't fucking disintegrating anymore, so thank u, you demonic fruit
#ok so im fucking. i feel fucking. aaaa so messed up about cGogy because on one hand. he makes me bitter#for a number of reasons#on the other hand i feel really fucking bad about being bitter. its a painful upset from which there is no reprieve#because i like cGeorge when i write him and in certain fics i find. but so much of it just adds to the Rot#and it eats me up inside because i have. no fucking clue if my problem with his character is like. Valid#or if its just personal issues made paper flesh#everyone else seems to like him just fine. he's a sweet little meow meow. whats wrong with me#i dunno whenever i get too messed up about it i just write for him#as if in some fucked up sort of apology#i dont even know how to begin to explain. theres no one to talk about it with#i feel like the fucking flower lung disease. hacking up petals trying to contain the intensity of the emotion#fuck this is stressful. theyre just characters why do i feel so bad about it#projection. thats the word. projecting. is my character interpretation correct or am i doing that#does it matter? i feel like it matters. i dont want to dislike a character for the wrong reasons#i dont want to dislike anyone at all really. makes me feel sad.#Im writing him right now cuddling with Dream. trying to fix it. its sortve working#doesnt make the feeling go away completely. but im happy for a while i guess#blah. tldr i dont like certain aspects of cGogy and it makes me feel like a bad person because i suspect its projection#and everyone else is fine with him so it probably is and im just a little silly#and if i cant trust myself to be impartial with him can i trust any of my interpretations at all?#will my writing suffer because of this?#jesus i need to lay down#Suds Soapbox#<== tagged post-laydown in case I need to find this post again for some godforsaken reason
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