the struggle with being autistic and an enderman is that i dont really know when im having a mental shift or when im just overstimulated/having a shutdown.

yesterday my friends convinced me to go out at night. i didnt really want to, but my friends did and i didnt want to stay at home alone, so i went with them. we arrived at the place of the party, a park that isnt far from our home, and there were a lot of people. immediately i got a small phantom shift from my enderman kintype (altho it was more envisage than phantom tbh), bc i just felt very out of place in there. i knew i wasnt like the other people that were there (outgoing, extroverted, neurotypical, human), and got the impression that i didnt belong there. this isnt a vent btw, its just the way things are. i accepted it a long time ago.

anyway, my thought process changed in an attempt to soothe my high anxiety, in what i think was an enderman mental shift. it was like this:

don't like this. too loud. too many humans. touching me. where is my tail? must tuck tail around leg so they cant touch it. okay good, thats better. what am i doing here? what is happening? oh, friends are here. must follow friends around. must not get lost. they are... talking to someone? whos she? OH NO SHES LOOKING AT ME. STARING AT MY EYES. be still dont move dont look away be normal– BAD BAD BADBADBAD– oh okay she stopped. im good, didnt die. can be normal now. how did you do that again? point ears forward, show youre listening. ohh my face should be doing something too. smile? show teeth? why is this so difficult. NO NONO SHES LOOKING AT ME AGAIN-

now to play my favourite game: is this autistic behaviour or nonhuman behaviour? the answer is both, probably. my brain copes with uncomfortable/scary situations giving me nonhuman behaviour patterns. if i had to guess, its probably a result of growing up neurodivergent and being isolated from my peers. now as an adult, i get comfort in thinking of myself as a creature (involuntary, of course), more so bc my kintypes were at least partially influenced by my special interests (dragons and Minecraft).

I totally agree aaron doesn't get enough love in the fandom. Tho tbf he is just Some Guy. What are your thoughts on him?

Note: this is coming from a place of sadness and evilness. Normally he’s just some plot device to me idk. There is a lot of hcs and thoughts here btw, also feel free to send more asks lmaoo

Hhh mentions eating disorders a little bit btw

So my big thing is that he’s so fucked up from his relationship with Regina. He was a token to her and neither of them really liked each other and he felt so pressured by her manipulation to get back into a relationship with her. With Regina being a deeply closeted lesbian, Aaron is just some token of status and worth, some guy she sort of kind of likes. Whereas I see Aaron genuinely loved her and is so fucked up by it all.

A lot of behaviours Regina displays, he gets so confused when Cady doesn’t display them too. So. I hc Regina has quite a bad ed and is also very controlling of other people’s food/body [seen a lot in how Regina treats Gretchen], and I see her being the same way with Aaron. Sometimes she’d eat some of her lunch, but at a point, he stops packing proper lunches because he doesn’t want Regina’s comments. She’s also intent on him going to the gym every day. He’s very confused when Cady doesn’t act like this and goes on dates to restaurants and eats etc

I hc he ends up with really bad anxiety and, as much as he tries to, he isn’t someone who can actually mask or hide it at all. If he has a panic attack, he’s having a panic attack right then and there. [As opposed to someone like Gretchen who will hide and suppress forever.] He doesn’t realise how bad his anxiety is because he just thinks it’s Normal that he can’t breathe or see or stop shaking when he’s around Regina.

Also, hc he already knows Regina is cheating on him with Shane which is why his reaction to Cady telling him is just “why would you tell me that?” Because he. already knows but it’s easier to let it happen than to confront it ever. He wants to be loved by Regina so badly

He’s deeply mediocre at everything. He’s never been good at anything at all, he’s just okay at everything and it fucks with him so much, especially when he finds out he isn’t even That Good at maths. Aaron can do okay at everything but perpetually feels like disappointment because he isn’t perfect or better. Also following from this, bad relationship with his parents and they’re quite absent.

Older brother to a sister who’s a few years younger than him. He’s very good at being an older brother and sacrifices a lot for her. Following from this, he cooks for her a lot but he isn’t that good at cooking so it’s just the most mediocre and basic things [again, because he’s just okay at a lot of things].

Bonus hcs:

Big brown eyes that go all soft and dark when he’s sad about something

Token neurotypical who understands Cady’s autism so well. This is based off me and my partner, but if somethings too loud for her [like when a train pulls in] but doesn’t go on long enough to need headphones, he puts his hands over her ears. Cady is equally as understanding about his anxiety [however. Cady and Aaron do not date that long because Cady was mostly just a bit hyperfixated and needed to fit in. For awhile, Aaron is convinced this is because he did something wrong even though it Isnt]

still thinking about that video from last night

it was basically "I'm annoyed because millennials take forever when telling stories and speak so slow, because I'm from the adhd generation and we all have short attention spans 🙄 get to the point like WE do"

1) saying youre part of the "adhd generation" and thats why you cant stand people who talk slow and take a while to finish stories or get to the point is like. incredibly ableist? bro???? a lot of those with adhd struggle with that, as well as those with other mental disorders/illnesses/disabilities. and even if the person is neurotypical/abled, complaining publicly about how they talk really rubs me the wrong way. I get it I get impatient and frustrated very easily too but cmon

2) short attention spans isnt something to brag about?? they really made it sound like an achievement, something that made them better than others? coming from someone who had undiagnosed and untreated adhd most of my life, and whos attention span is nearly non existent rn. perhaps the reason why a lot of younger people (NOT JUST GEN Zs, btw, but millennials and other generations) have very short attention spans isnt because theyre all part of the "adhd generation", but because most media, apps and the like, these days are designed to give you a short attention span and thats a cause of concern!! blegh I'm having trouble wording this, I'm not trying to do the "its technology thats giving the kids adhd" the point is that people are suffering because it's what profits the corporations. you watch the short videos because theyre addictive and easy - coming from someone who is chronically online and spends way too much fucking time on my phone because my attention span has been destroyed

jungkook: *frowns or stares at a certain point, trying to focus on something, like a game or someone talking* *or he forgets what he wanted to say* *this makes a lot of sense*

annoying neurotypical army with 0 will to imagine people being different from them: 'WHAT IS HE DOING?? XD IS HE SEEING A GHOST?? REACHING A NEW DIMENSION IN HIS MIND??!! WHAT IS HE STARING AT, A GIRL? OH NO HES SCARED OF THOSE XD ARGHFH HE LOOKS SO SEXY WHEN FROWNING DAMN OK [inappropriate sexual comments] STEP ON ME!!'

🦋[Hey loves <3 How are you all doing? I apologize for not posting for a few days, i get busy frequently :( But, just know i still love n care for all of you, so here i am back with another positivity post <3]🦋

🦋[This one is quite specific, but this one is for the people who identify w/ xenogenders/neurogenders, cause, i do as well, and ppl who used these are always so shitted on, sooo]🦋

🦋[All proshippers and selfshippers who identify with xenogenders are VALID!]🦋

🦋[All proshippers and selfshippers who identify with neurogenders are VALID!]🦋

🦋[All proshippers and selfshippers who use neo/xenopronouns are valid and very cool, and yes, your pronouns should absolutely be respected no matter how 'dumb' someone may think it is. It isnt dumb, btw <3]🦋

🦋[Dont let neurotypicals tell you how you can and cant identify as (i see it is mostly neurotypicals who do that) and that is honestly ableist how they shit on people who use these without even understanding how much it helps ND's. You all are precious and very much valued, especially here, you are valid and loved and cared for no matter how you identify. ♡]🦋

🦋[Id really appreciate it if anyone who uses these comments or sends in an ask telling me what xeno/neurogenders or pronouns they use, only if youre comfortable <3 Id like to make this a more comfortable safe space where people can express themselves freely so <3]🦋

I was reading your co-signing the narrative post- great post btw- and your thoughts on Kit Lightwood helped me figure out exactly what bothers me about the way other characters talk about and treat him.

So, there’s this kind of this running “joke” in TLH that Christopher’s interests are boring, that everyone else puts up with it him as though it’s this big nuisance, that everyone zones out hearing him talk… and on and on and on.*** And then there’s this scene where Grace is genuinely interested or at least not bringing him down about his self-expression and the things that bring him joy, and that’s romanticized as special when it’s really kind of the bare fuckin minimum. Like, I’m not saying James/Matthew/Thomas had to immerse themselves completely in every sciency detail but the constant “jokes” implying that Christopher’s work is boring or incomprehensible or not worth their time is just so tiring. There’s always an undercurrent of “Christopher’s just playing around uselessly” (which is not true and even when he’s having fun with his work then it’s still automatically WORTHY and VALUABLE because it makes him happy!) Not to mention this recurring problem directly contradicts the value that Christopher’s work has (beyond its inherent value) when he sends it into the world to literally save lives: the poison antidote, the fire messages that will probably come about in CoT.

And the thing is, the merry thieves’ disinterest is directly meant to foil grace’s interest in order to lend the Grace/Kit relationship a certain significance, as CC assigns to it. I’m not saying shared excitement over an interest/hobby/career/field/etc isn’t sweet platonically or romantically. I just really dislike how the idea CC is using is “no one else can bear to tolerate Kit’s ‘quirks’ but Grace, and that is Endearing, and so they are Soulmates (TM)” rather than the much healthier and positive idea that “Kit does cool sciencey stuff which his family and friends generally don’t share as strong a passion for but still don’t huff about it like it’s somehow a chore or a burden on them, and then Grace comes along and she does happen to share a similar passion and that’s the beginning of their ties to one another.” That second reasoning is what could make their friendship really refreshing; we don’t need ableism poorly twined into romance to enjoy that relationship.

I haven’t read TDA in a while but I’m thinking we could also find touches of this with Ty partly because so much of when we see him is from Kit’s POV? Not that Kit means harm or thinks himself heroic but CC on the other hand is a repeat offender in “abled/white/straight/cis character is ultimately and completely responsible for the salvation of disabled/POC/queer character in this aspect.” And I’m kind of half dreading the wicked powers for that reason among others …

I apologize if all this seems obvious or rambly. I do sometimes have trouble articulating things exactly but when I read your post i had a lightbulb moment and I wanted to note it down.

Have a great day!

***Side Note: this is why I really enjoy fan-created content that explores Christopher’s relationships with people (even people he didn’t interact with on-page in the canon) without that annoying and problematic aspect built into the framework of the relationship.

^^^^^^^^^THIS ALL OF THIS!!!!!!

Full disclosure this is gonna be kind of long sorry. But you have stumbled across my favourite topic to rant about. Allistic saviorism. Basically the name is pretty self explanatory. It's when an allistic person fictional or otherwise has the desire to or actively attempts to essentially "save" the autistic person from the horrors of the world or their life, or even themselves because they think that the autistic person isn't strong or capable enough to fix/handle it on their own. All of this is usually done for very self serving reasons. Part of this is also allistic people being praised as heroes for being nice to autistic people or asking them out, or loving them.

I don't neccesarily think that kitty is an allistic savior ship on it's own. I think that there are definitely peices of those beliefs scattered throughout the books and it might get worse in TWP. That's honestly something that I'm worried about too tbh. But honestly I think that the fandom made it a billion times worse.

This mainly allistic fandom wanted to romanticize the idea of Kit taking care of Ty and shouldering the burden of his "unpredictability." Kit is the only one who can get through to Ty. The only one who understands the mystery that is Ty 🙄. Some of this is canon too. For example, Ty can look Kit in the eye, he lets him touch him. He doesn't wear the headphones when Kit's around right? And Kit was able to calm him down during his meltdown.

And while some of this is really cute from a romantic perspective, it's also kinda problematic because it reeks of allistic saviorism. It promotes the idea that Kit is like Ty's "cure." And that's just impossible.

And honestly I know I've contributed to this in some ways. Because if I'm being perfectly honest with you, there's a part of me that enjoys that. The romantization of autism.

The idea of being taken care of.

The idea that someone could love an autistic person and see them as "beautiful" and "extraordinary" and all the things Kit calls Ty, was incredibly moving and appealing to me as a kid. It still is. Because I grew up on stories of charity cases and allistic saviorism making headlines with prom dates. I was super secretive about it, but I was always a romantic growing up. But I thought that it was impossible for me to have a real love story because people like me don't get that. (Not to get all sob story on you sorry. I overshare. It's an autistic thing.)

And there are some really compelling things about kitty that really do work. And I'm not trying to suggest that Kit learning to help Ty with the ...shall we say more colourful traits of his disability is a bad thing always. It's not. But I think the issue is with Ty's lack of pov and Ty's lack of a narrative in the books. It makes him seem like less of a completely developed character and more like, "Kit's" you know?

And because we don't have Ty's pov we don't really get what makes Kit have this sort of calming effect on him or why it's different. And more importantly we don't get why Ty's letting him in, we only get Kit pushing past his boundries. The entire thing becomes about Kit essentially and that's at the root of all allistic saviorism.

Also like you mentioned before, Kit is seen as special to a certain extent because he can handle Ty. That's not neccesarily something the character believes obviously, but again with CC co-signing the damn narrative with the way she makes the impact Kit has on Ty such a big deal in everyone's eyes and in QOAAD she really emphasizes the drain Ty's necromancy plan is taking on Kit, suddenly Ty's grief becomes all about Kit and with no pov from Ty, it's more allistic savior bs.

Honestly most of this isnt actually THAT bad it's just when you throw it all together and look at the ugly history and let's be honest present, of autistic people being silenced and spoken over by our caregivers and loved ones and we are treated like burdens on them, and how those people are praised for loving us, it kinda looks bad. But the fandom definitely made it worse.

I always get criticized for criticizing kitty by allistic people with, " well if you think they're so toxic then why do you even ship them?" Which is a piss poor take lacking in any nuance. An autistic person has the right to critique a dynamic involving an autistic character. More to the point, you can love something and be critical of it. I swear when this fandom finally figures that one out... we could accomplish so much.

I'm really hoping this is making sense it's like 2 in the morning. As for Grace and Christopher's dynamic I agree with you. I basically have nothing to add. Bare minimum. Should not be idolized. The way the others treat him should not just be brushed off as no big deal. It's ableism.

Basically it's just a bunch of classic mistakes that come from a neurotypical abled writer writing nd characters. Some mistakes are more damning then others. But it does make me scared for TWP.

I can only hope.

ashley i just took adhd meds for the first rime (on a trial) and i actually can do things this is crazy 😭😭😭 like i can fold my clothes that have been sitting on the table for a week. - coranner btw

ISNT IT WILD...... Its crazy how a little bit of meds make you feel neurotypical and rdy to take on the world 😭😭

this is kinda a weird question so sorry if it's not appropriate (not like bad i just mean not my place) but how did u know u were autistic? ive seen it mentioned a few times and ive always questioned if i was or not but when i researched it was very inconclusive. when im alone i do things that i think are stims but im not rlly sure if im just being weird/dramatic. ive always had mild sensory issues that can get pretty bad but never to the point i see ppl describe meltdowns/sensory overload. also most of my friends/family think i have auditory processing issues which is accurate. sorry i wrote all that, i dont want u to diagnose me or anything i know thats not how it works ive just never really written it all out. i kinda just want to know how it works for actual autistic ppl? again sorry if this isnt ok to ask (btw love ur blog)

hi anonie, not weird at all!

so for me i’d always had kind of had an inkling i was “different” and i wondered why i never fit in or why i thought and acted so differently from others but i didn’t really know it was me being autistic until i was diagnosed by my therapist. i’d wondered before that but always kind of ignored the thought thinking i was being too dramatic or it had to be something else.

so what i suggest is looking at the perspectives of actually autistic individuals rather than just googling it because a lot of the stuff that comes up when you google it as inaccurate, ableist, and geared for the parents of autistic children not autistic adults. not everyone autistic person presents traits the exact same way, it’s a spectrum and we all have a different combination of traits and struggles.

it’s always hard for me to explain like what being autistic is like comparatively to being neurotypical because i have no clue what being neurotypical is like 😭 like all of these things are just normal for me because i’ve been like this my whole life, but i will say i had a very warped idea of what autism must be like before my diagnosis because of how it’s portrayed and how people talk about it that kept me from accepting my diagnosis at first because i felt like i wasn’t autistic “enough” and that’s a common experience for a lot of autistic people.

i wish you all the best!! if you need resources i’m happy to help 🤍

im the first sherlock anon* and i did say it was ableist but saying he's autistic coded and that's why it's wrong is dumb, sorry. and what i said about leaving tumblr is because i dont know what it is about this website but the people here put you in a bubble that leaves you so blind you dont even realize and i feel like i can see that in your posts. like, i see your point, but it's an opinion, not a fact, just an interpretation of a fictional character, and even though im autistic i still think neurotypical people get a say in things like this btw. (the mental illness thing was bc english isnt my first language, and the troll thing bc i cant tell when people are joking sometimes)

wait so ur argument is. im dumb for being autistic n not liking how bbc sherlock treats a character who acts in a lot of ways i do??? if that’s actually ur point i uhhh have a lot less respect for it.

and okay i feel like we're not understanding each other. whether or not sherlock is autistic canonically is up for interpretation, cuz as far as i remember canon never says either way, but he DOES act how some autistic people do and the way he's treated in-narrative for that IS ableism.

also sure neurotypicals can have opinions but as an autistic person i think im allowed to tell someone i don’t want them talking On My Post about their opinion on autistic-specific ableism if they aren’t autistic. they can take that opinion elsewhere, was my point.

anyway ur not gonna convince me of anything im a stubborn bastard n i literally dont know who u are. im gonna watch the blaseball trial now.

ink, pulitzer, backstory, carnegie, notepad, houghton? Ɛ🌠🌙>

!!!!!!!!

ink: what do you do to “set the mood” when writing?

i usually need quiet if i really want to churn out some wordage- a partial blanket cocoon is also nice to write from even if it //is// bad for my back in the long run

pulitzer: tell about/link a piece where you felt your writing was the best.

i mean my most popular fic is sightless, probably followed by roman vs the gender binary, but i really loved the sequels to rvtgb that not as many people read (or lack thereof, an agender virgil prequel that tbh i think is read best //after// rvtgb; (n)either/(n)or, a proper sequel that is mostly domestic fluff tbh)

backstory: how did you come to love writing?

ive always loved telling stories- when i was younger, as a way to fall asleep each night, or in one particularly memorable case, using hair ties and (unused, obviously) tissues to create enough characters for an adventure story acted out on my dresser. additionally, ive also had a natural aptitude for reading and writing- i actually have a funny story about reading levels if anyone actually wants to send an ask and learn about it.

but basically, there were assignments that instructed us to write to a prompt but not essay writing- not to mention the creative writing class i took sophomore year

writing is just. really cool to me too, because you get to change something, or add something, or just generally help in people’s lives. just not in the way a doctor can or smth (like- people leave comments/have sent asks about both roman vs the gender binary and coming out of my cage because //my stories// had a positive impact on them/made them feel represented/idk but yeah- my works helping people with their own gender/adhd (respectively) is still so wild to me but it makes me happy that i can impact others in a positive way) (wow this response got Real Long Real Quick)

carnegie: what authors and/or books/stories have inspired you to write or influenced your work?

rick riordan was the first author i read where the book featured a gay character, and therefore pretty much led to my Gay Awakening and also a little bit of self acceptance- so i do have a special place in my heart for my boi nico di angelo and house of hades (there is another reason hoh is important to me, but that’s a whole other post lol)

notepad: can you write anywhere or do you have to be in a specific place and mood to write?

i can generally write pretty much anywhere as long as i actually have an idea to write and there isnt too many background distractions (or if ive taken my adhd meds lmao)

houghton: what’s something you love that people compliment your pieces on?

ummm,,, i guess i alluded to it earlier, but i absolutely //love// when people say i portrayed smth accurately or that it helped them with something in their own life, as weird as that sounds. like, that can be summed up in two words as “accurate characterization,” but. for example: i started writing comc as a way to help me deal with a) my own adhd manifesting h a r d c o r e,, b) going through the process of getting diagnosed/getting meds as an eighteen year old afab person whose been traditionally (i.e. academically) “”smart”” their entire life, and c) showing a character that the fandom doesnt traditionally portray as adhd and also in a nonstereotypical way that sometimes neurotypical people fall into. (aka: not that there’s anything //wrong// with making patton the one with adhd- it’s honestly a good thing!!- but sometimes people (esp nt peeps) forget that there’s more than one way to be adhd)

and ive gotten a lot of positive response (btw im so sorry i havent updated ahau in literally forever, ill get there at some point) to it- people saying “i love that you didn’t show adhd as ‘we have to get serious- oh look a butterfly!!!!’” or “i love that you made logan adhd bc i really identify with him and i have adhd and its nice seeing someone like me” or “i love that you wrote adhd as the serious thing that it is, and didn’t make light of it for comedy’s sake”

anyways sorry the ridiculously long answer i cannot be brief to save my life rip

writer asks!!

Personality type and how it plays a role in shipping

*not edited cuz I have homework*

(I have spent a solid three months on this research and Im exhausted. So cut me some slack. It gets the point accross)

Destiel: Why do people ship it? Are some more likely than others to see it? I conducted a research study for the past few months regarding the ship Destiel. This is my conclusion. In april, i began research by conducting several surveys regarding possible traits of shippers and non-shippers, and how this plays a part in their views. Including culture, age, and ever different neurotypes. None of these factors played a significant role within the data as there was a wide variety of different people for both sides. So if age, culture, or even neurotype didnt affect it, then, what did? The answer was within the myers briggs personality test. This test s incredibly accurate, and is often used by employers to get a better read on what jobs and environments would work best for the employees. I swear by this test. All other the traights of the personality types are split up very evenly, except for intuition, and sensing. 70% of the population is sensing and only 30% are intuitors. Sensors see the world for what it is, if something is in front of them, then that is exactly what it is. Intuitors are more likely to look at the bigger picture. They find alternate meanings, identify paterns, and connect far flung dots into a single trend. On the survey, which involved almost 300 people btw! (Scientists would kill for this much data). The percentage of intuitive vs sensing was FLIPPED for the destiel shippers. And that makes sense! We’re less likely to believe that Dean is straight because we’ve seen many instances of Dean’s past behavior that indicate otherwise. From cake, to booty shorts, to cucumber water, dean repeatedly claims to like something, then goes on to enjoy said thing! We spot these things and make connections. (70% of nonshippers were sensing which also makes sense) being a sensor isnt a bad thing either. It just makes us different. In my experience, nonshippers refuse to acknowledge any possible subtext, or evsn see it. They see the show for what it is, and thats okay too. We have different ways of enjoying the same thing.

Just putting this out there! I know this study isnt very refined, and I will revise this later. Just getting this done so people can see the results.

everyone liked my eyes today

I knew on thursday when he came round several times ‘i intentionally wanted to roast F in front of J’, and commented on my tattoo, that suddenly it all came back to me the tension that always existed. and when he said friday, tomorrow was the last day and the show would close and i said i would go. and in the morning he asked again if i was really coming. and after lunch he asked what i was up to, the plans for the day. ‘did you already notice i dont make eye contact i find it bloody distracting’ Actually shes abit like you Im drawn to girls with a certain sadness I like the messed up ones, I still gravitate towards the art types In the cab- dating is hard because no one gets the artist life, how you’re freelance, juggling a bunch of things I’ve always called them ‘partners’ not ‘girlfriends’ I don’t give it so easily I guard it a lot cos im all about my heart, im not about my brain Estella what would you like-lets do Jap food its Friday ‘I want to touch it’ ‘Only cos its you’ ‘What about you do you stay with your parents’ Similar upbringing, him referencing my sister,Have I not told you this? – said repeatedly I guess this is the first time we are properly speaking Im kidding, I’ll stop messing with you I take things so literally that I need to mess with the world as a game to deal His Aspergers ‘Youre a neurotypical- neuro means brain- you have high EQ dont get me wrong thats good’ im lacking in the emotional part cos im a T and youre an F so you guys are better. ‘now that you know me, or that you are getting to know me’ Sounds really get to him- drilling, ambulances are the worst ‘Atypical’ on Netflix Did you glue every strand of grass ‘well, I scattered it’ That’s why ive such a soft spot for Sean The night is when he makes work- is your house very neat cos his dad is OCD- all his work-making happens outside I don’t know what Love is but I know what it Isnt Rainer Maria Rilke ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ is my bible – ‘and I thought you were a Christian’ There was this girl I was sleeping with who was ENFP and she was going on about how ENFP and INTJs are the most compatible Well look at you things worked out for you you’re good, you’re married ‘He’s Kiwi’ ‘Is he an artist?’ ‘But he gets art, its not like Sharon’s..that was why I broke up with my first one’ ‘Its not like married and game over’ Living, why im alive Its my art cause All the moments and connections and love, etc And he acknowledges it too Being human-being adept at the brain? Rather I’d rather simple naivete You are such a modernist (he says hes a post-modernist) We’re from vicious apes we are inately evil ‘i still choose to believe everyone is inherently good- but you know already that im an idealist’ Its not bout being human and staying alive but not wrestling with it, just sitting idle Telling me about his fishing – and showing me pictures Telling me about Sab’s family history, and sharing about his fam. His OCD dad driving Grab, his brother not actually a weirdo gamer but is probably going to marry his first girlfriend, ‘another breakup and it will actually ruin your sister’, K and S, F and S, R and Levy and S Long, we went down the damn list Bitching about Sab like him showing me her plagerised posts and when I told him she goes ‘hows things? Slow?’ Do you want kids- or is this too early/weird to ask I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids ‘you say this now but if your partner wanted to get married you probably would’ ‘probably’ ‘the one you marry might not be the one you’re most connected to’ ‘why do you not want kids, you’d be such a good dad’ ‘are you high’ ‘no its true, I can see how you are with the students’ ‘well youre brave and youre doing it’ – my art fight when I said I was well-loved and had a great set of parents ‘yea I can see that’ ‘your parents have a good marriage?’ ‘yea how about yours, good too?’ ‘well yea but they love to fight that’s their thing they love to fight, I don’t’ ‘well that’s good right, healthy fighting’ ‘I love women- colour blind-scottish, swedish, asian-american, an indian in between somewhere’ the broken bridge artwork The Fishtank and galerie fish,also he gets that people are fishing in the gallery– I told him when he brought up his fishing Art is Universal- said in the cab and he started opening up ‘You can come for lunch if you want and them come with me’ When we were in his fog room and I was having a dialogue with him, with the students And his student said something provoking Or when Clara walks in and she recognizes me and he said ‘famous, youre famous’ ‘Where do you live’ My dad is coming to get me and we’re going to get some food and then Im going to come back and take down the pieces Me and Raymond are similar because we’re open Rare that you can say something and id be like ‘HELL NO’ Im free-spirited ‘yea you’re more agnostic’ ZH pushes his own agenda more ‘yea but that’s because hes so passionate he seriously cant help it’ R just likes someone to reminisce the streets of London with When I said R just started knowing Im a painter, I make work ‘you have a way more exciting practice than he does’‘Youre on your way, youre doing great’ Talking about oweing your parents and he went out fishing before his parents came to visit I feel the same way- about needing to repay parents- or feel indebted ‘but there are things I cant reveal to them’ when I say ive a completely open relationship with my parents, anything goes, no filter Showing me his back scar ‘i once showed a girl and she started crying’ ‘im high now btw’- and he smokes up like 5-6-7 things I don’t even keep count Telling me about his jailtime for 26 hours, how his ex wasn’t there for him The last one was more typical, asian, Christian, one day decided I was too ‘sinful’ for her and she couldn’t deal – I might write her a letter to apologize And his grandmother and how they found her on a Sunday- how the emotions set in later, through the initial parts he was all rational and calm even though his brother was hysterical ‘I KNOW your work I saw the wall I just didn’t know that was you’ ‘Yea when I first met you I did feel like whats with this person’ ‘there you go’ Shes like you- cares about people, sees the good. how Sab is eroding away the nanyang style way too quick and too fast. S and S ‘similar types that the vice d can dominate. Rilke says be patient, they are already doing the best they can to ‘get it’- the face that both moms visited the schools with us.

Crazy shit friday

I mean i always knew the chemistry sort of existed, was underlying, or something sensed that it was going to be more than normal getting to hang out with him. But you can talk to someone but not Know-Know them in such a way, ever. you can go about in your day to day and something like this just stops you right in your tracks. and you go along, because your instincts are dying to take this ride into the exciting abyss, but also you recognize its short-lived and its made more precious that it isnt reality. you do not have to act on things/have ownership for it to take special place in the recesses of your soul (i even spoke about Soul and innerblink, how the soul is what created those things outside when he woke up with the image and started making-its spirituality rather than practised religion- dude, what can we not talk about). you just..savour it and you delight in it when its actually taking place. like ive been conscious of doing so-taking breaths and pausing while the good stuffs happening, the capital L-I-F-E is happening because i understand its rare and its beautiful and you never know when its going to next happen to you...so yea these are the things that really feed me, what i live for. its just deeply special and i wonder if he feels the same way too. aka its 7am post-yesterday and i wonder whats he thinking/is he?