#it has been a fucking week for me
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Like always cold? Maybe his ghost half is keeping his human half too cold. Like a deep cold he can’t ever get warmed from? His body is working double time to try and keep him warm so he eats a lot more to keep up with the energy burned.
Or never cold. His ghost half now makes him immune to the cold and he just can’t feel it? Shorts in the snow with a tanktop kinda guy. His ghost core is keeping his body temp down but also his ghost powers have combined with his every cell to change him on a molecular level. He could feel the cold if he had control over this power but I doubt he will ever figure that out. Just a “oh I don’t feel cold anymore. Neat” kinda vibe and never try to actually correct it. I like to think his skin would still turn blue if exposed to extreme cold but thats just me
#danny phantom#I have the flu please kill me#it has been a fucking week for me#monday I fell down a flight of stairs#Wednesday I slipped in the shower and twisted my ankle#then christmas eve I get the fucking flu#still was forced to cook half the food btw#I was going to be sleeping now but my nose is trying to give bolt a run for his money#I bet it’s going faster than danny can fly#miss you guys#I do read all comments and tags and I love yall so much
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Whaoawhee cant wait to go back to work again for more bs that i dont care about 🤧🤧
#it has been a fucking week for me#my mental fortitude has decayed immensely#i hope the typhoon comes on monday#i need it
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I just wanna say bc I KNOW you're somewhere on tumblr, to the teenage girl who attended Take Your Kid To Work Day at an office building in Ontario, Canada circa 2013 and had a conversation with a middle aged woman in which you showed her your Black Veil Brides fanart and fanfics and ship content and told her about different fanfic tropes including a/b/o verse bc she happened to know who Panic! at The Disco and Fallout Boy were and thus you felt the need to show her your bandblr ship art, that was my fucking mother and I had to clarify all that to her including looking my mother in the eye and trying to explain a/b/o verse without sounding like a lunatic.
It's been 10 years and I still regularly sent evil energies in your direction. Since you'd be probably two years younger than me and thus legally an adult now, please know if this post reaches you it's on sight.
#she cornered me in the car and asked what shipping was and i almost had a fucking heart attack#imagine being like 16 years old and habing to explain knotting to your mother#random emo music girl I'm glad you had fun talking about your Band Guys to my mother#bc i also attended take your kid to work day at that office and i know how boring it was#but christ alive why did you have to fuck me like that?#anyways i hope this post reaches you so at the very least you know i think about you at least once a week#this has been weighing on me for ten years#im almost tempted to blaze this post
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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
#writeblr#warm up#this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru#but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist#ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work#part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just#like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r#ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week#this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism#imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY#''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''
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How To RSS: 2023 Edition
An updated version of the guide I keep rewriting even though no one asked.
What is RSS?
Really Simple Syndication. Websites generate feeds, you plug the feeds into your feed reader of choice, you get updates as they happen instead of manually checking bookmarks. If you are using an actual podcasting app instead of spotify, you're already using RSS, because that's how podcasts work. In the same way that you can follow someone's blog and have everything they post appear on your dash instead of manually checking their blogs, RSS lets you build a dash for the entire rest of the internet. Assuming they have an RSS feed. You'd be surprised how many of them do and will learn to be annoyed at any that don't.
Picking an RSS Reader
For the purposes of this post I'm assuming you'll be using inoreader.com, because it's what I use and it has a free option and I'm lazy. Inoreader also has Android and iOS apps, so if you interact with the internet entirely through your phone you can still do all this. The only limitations of a free Inoreader account is that there are ads, and you're limited to 150 feeds. That's still a lot of feeds imho. There are a ton of alternatives and you can look into them if you want but I'm not worrying about that here.
It is unbelievably easy to change your mind later and switch to a different RSS reader without losing anything. Do not get hung up with decision paralysis trying to pick The Perfect App like it's a commitment. You can port everything you do in Inoreader to any other app or website in minutes. It's fine.
Subscribing to the Internet
If I weren't lazy I'd go make a new Inoreader account to walk you through that process but here we are, with me not doing that. Once you make an account, it's probably going to suggest some things for you to follow. You can do that if you want, but the real things you care about are the search bar at the top left and the 'add new' button at the bottom of where all your feeds will go.
For most websites, Inoreader can actually automatically detect any RSS feeds, so you don't have to go hunting them down. I'm going to use my own website for this because fuck you that's why.
If you're using the Android or iOS apps, search is hidden under the 'discover' menu item. When you click on the feed, you'll be subscribed! You can also click the 'add new' button, which will give you a bunch of options, but the one you want is 'Feed'.
A lot of the options listed there are locked behind a pro account, I don't know if they even show up if you're on free and I'm not checking. Once you click 'feed' it just takes you to another search bar, so you honestly might as well just use the search bar up top tbqh. 'Add new' is more useful for creating folders to organize all your stuff.
Mastodon, Cohost, and Tumblr accounts all generate RSS feeds automatically, just enter the URL of whoever you want to follow and the feed will get detected. But on Tumblr specifically, username.tumblr.com/rss will give you a feed of everything, while username.tumblr.com/tagged/fanfic/rss (for instance) will get you a feed of nothing but posts tagged 'fanfic'. This is actually a very useful way of following blogs that post way too goddamn much about things you don't care about.
If Inoreader is having trouble detecting a feed, try searching the website for an icon that looks like this:
That's usually where the feed is hiding. Just copy the URL and paste it into Inoreader to subscribe.
Okay But Now What
NOW YOU WAIT
Or don't, there's probably already recent articles your reader has now been populated with.
I don't remember what the default settings are, mine are currently set to only ever show me unread posts in 'magazine view' which is like a list with a little preview I can scroll through, sorted by oldest first. Clicking on an article opens it up in a reader view.
Personally I'm partial to scrolling through and only opening up things that look interesting to me. If I realize it's actually too long for me to read right that minute, I'll hit the 'read later button' to save it. Once I've scrolled through the whole list, I hit the 'mark all as read' button. But that's just how I do things, I'm an inbox zero kinda bitch.
If you really want to make it feel like Tumblr, you'll have to set it to expanded view and newest first.
In this mode scrolling past articles will mark them as read, but if you set it to still show you articles you've already read that probably doesn't matter as much.
By default most RSS feeds will contain previews of articles rather than the full thing in order to prevent scraping, but here's a fun thing: Inoreader has a 'full article' button that will automatically pull through the article text, and which bypasses a surprising number of paywalls.
A major use case for my RSS reader is webcomics. While a lot of them don't actually display the full image inline, and the full article button doesn't really work with these, it's still nice to get the update notification and opening a new tab to read a comic is not that big a deal imho. Keeping up with webcomics this way is so much easier I can't imagine going back to bookmarks.
There are certain YouTube channels I subscribe to via RSS because I don't want to miss any episodes. You can subscribe to podcasts in Inoreader if you want to. Substack has RSS options for every newsletter that's hosted there. Most news websites have had RSS since forever and every Twitter account you ever followed for news was probably actually just reposting from their RSS reader.
Import and Export
Once you have one RSS reader set up, it becomes super easy to try out every RSS reader you can possibly think of because they all use .OPML files. Except maybe Feedly? Seems like they have a special import option for Feedly. Just another reason to not use Feedly, The RSS Reader For Bootlickers. Anyway Inoreader keeps all that under preferences, in Import, Export, Backup.
The full archive is nice to have, but the OPML file is what you want for quick and easy trying out of different readers. Export the file, import it in whatever alternate reader you want to try, and you will automatically be subscribed to all your feeds. It takes, like. Five minutes. I try out new RSS readers all the time to see if I'll like them. Once you switch to RSS you will marvel that you ever used the internet any other way, and also that everyone else has been putting up with websites and apps that use stupid bullshit to keep them from leaving.
#original#how to rss#Fun Fact: because i live in a swamp i get my internet through t-mobile#who has been fucking up profoundly for weeks#and tonight for every one minute it has been up it has been down for five minutes#except not actually that consistent so there is no way of knowing when it will throw an error#and as a consequence this post has taken me Two Hours#not to write bc i wrote it in typora. just to upload the images. one at a time. failing multiple times per image.#please appreciate all i have done for you i am Suffering#greatest hits
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consumed with the urge to draw with ed holding cat. that's all
edit: metal arm wrong side bc canvas flip
#the legs look so fucked to me so cropped version first#edward elric#cat#I cannot explain#is it not self explanatory#probably bad to post this at 1 am my time but my impatience has always been strong and today is no different#fma#fma03#fullmetal alchemist#fmab#I really struggled with this and I still don't completely love it but I wanted to post something#it's been about a year since I first got BACK into fma#still into it lolol#fan art#anyway life updates... nothing really#I have been listening to hozier's new album for weeks and I saw him in concert which was awesome!#today I saw the PJO trailer and it brought me happiness#sketch#proportions are so fucked like I love edward's build but it really is hard for me to nail down#hope someone enjoys!
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Nico and Percy's dynamic through the series is eternally funny to me, because it's just. like.
Percy's having a constant mental struggle between his fatal flaw of loyalty with a promise he made to Bianca to protect Nico, versus his Big 3 kid desire to maim other Big 3 kids / Poseidon descendant urge to totally maim Nico specifically. He hates Nico so so much. He thinks Nico's annoying and weird at best, and creepy/sketchy when he's older. The only positive thoughts Percy has towards Nico are "He's Bianca's brother and Bianca was my friend and I owe her/He's Hazel's brother and Hazel is my friend and would kill me if I was mean to him," "He's a powerful asset and useful ally (if questionable)," and "He's kinda pathetic and I feel maybe a little bad about it." Percy has multiple occasions throughout the series where he strongly considers - and on one occasionally actually goes through with - throttling Nico.
Meanwhile, Nico is following around Percy like a lost puppy. He explicitly can never bring himself to even dislike anything about Percy no matter how hard he tries. He has a whole bit in BoO where he's mentally going "UGH he's so stupid BUT IT'S ENDEARING HOW DARE HE." He's totally smitten. He's making deals with his dad for Percy. He's making convoluted plans to help Percy stand a chance against Kronos. During the entirety of BoTL it's like he's playing tsundere - "I'm helping NOT PERCY SPECIFICALLY with this quest! Me helping Percy would be SILLY because I DEFINITELY HATE HIM." Then he proceeds to show up to Percy's birthday party to basically ask him on a weird date and spend the entire next book scrambling around trying to help him or protect him or impress him. And Percy could not give less of a shit.
Just. That dynamic is so funny to me. Percy is the founder of the Nico Protection Club in that he's the one they're all protecting Nico from and meanwhile Nico is throwing himself at Percy to the point where the literal god of gay love calls him out on it.
#pjo#percy jackson#nico di angelo#Percy shows up at CJ and squints at Nico like ''hm. why do i feel like i hate you? like i just wanna punch you in the face?''#and Nico just immediately goes ''huh no idea anyways i have to go-'' and jumps into Tartarus#but not before he gives Hazel essentially a detailed explanation of ''this is Percy i cant say much but please dont let him die <3''#and Nico's whole Tartarus trip was basically a whole ''im doing this so no one else has to''#only for Percy and Annabeth to fall in like one book later and Nico proceeds to spend the next book internally screaming about it#and then Cupid calls him out on it and the next book#Nico's just like ''at this point im hoping i keel over within the next week just so i can force this dumb crush to chill the fuck out''#Nico staring pointedly at Will: ''For my own sake i need to form another crush RIGHT NOW so i can finally get over Percy.''#''this has been so bad for my health''#Nico's crush on Percy is just too funny to me. horrible pick my guy. terrible job. love that for you. he could not be less interested.#Percy LITERALLY TRIES TO KILL NICO and ditch him in the underworld and Nico is somehow STILL like ''but i love him''#Percy basically chokes him. beats up his dad. tells him ''go get smited by your dad for me.'' and ditches him.#and Nico's opinions/crush on him DO NOT CHANGE#though also Nico's reaction to Percy beating up his dad + skeletons is SO funny. his jaw is on the floor. he's flustered about it.#he just witnessed Percy be incredibly hot and proceeded to go ''yea i'll do anything for this man. collect reinforcements of 3 gods? sure''#nico you absolute DISASTER with HORRIBLE TASTE. you can do better. raise your standards.#which tbh is funnier when you factor in sun and the star. Nico just wont stop crushing on guys who dislike him and everything he stands for
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yeah i'm a triple threat. cute, bisexual, and incredibly depressed. what's sexier than that?
#this week has been so fucking busy and i have not had a second to breathe#i hate house hunting and getting rejected its fun!!!! someone needs to fucking lay on me and just crush me so i dont have to think for a sex#SEC**** A SECOND
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Big Name Feelings - 5/?
chapter 5: first hug, first kiss
None of Crowley's 4K lenses or selfie-cams in sunbeams did any justice to the depth of his amber irises, which positively shone in person, even in the diminishing light of their hotel overheads. The stark cool glow of the iPad screen glinted off the rivulets of brown, brightening and blending the lightest edges into a silky gold.
He spent hours every day pouring over palettes and hand mixing the perfect pigments, but that yellow was the most beautiful colour Aziraphale had ever seen in his life.
[ full size art ]
#i swear to god it feels like 1 day has passed since i updated but ao3 is telling me it's nearly been a week SO#let's do this 😈#i fucking love this art you guys AAAAAAAA#good omens#good omens au#gomens#aziracrow#aziraphale#crowley#good omens fic rec#rat writes#good omens art#rat draws
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~help your local rat get stable housing~
edit post nov 2023: I GOT THE HELP I NEEDED THANK YOU SOSOOSO MUCH
dramatically sprawled out on the floor
so i gotta move for the third time in that many years. unfortunately between health problems and the General State of The Economy, I have been unable to find work to be able to save any money. i have no choice but to leave the entire state. i thankfully have somewhere to go, however I need help getting there. i've been trying to do the math to get what I need to its lowest amount possible, but even that is still at least $2.5k.
after this move, i should be able to get things more stable and I might even have a couple job prospects lined up in that area, but right now I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel funds wise and desperately need help.
if you're able to spare anything, i've set up a goal through kofi so i can track it publicly. i have trouble asking for help but i really need what help i can get. thank you, so so so much.
#mutual aid#fundraiser#help#god i dont know what to tag this im just kinda ripping off the bandage bc ive been anxious about posting about this since i got asked to#leave. head in hands. please help by spreading the word if you cant spare any cash i completely understand.#i dont know what i can offer. my ability to do art has been really really low and with my sleeping/living arrangements my wrists shoulders#back have been in fucking wretches states so its hard for me to do much#if youre wonder about the other fundraiser i did a few years ago#the person i replaced in a renting situation ended up fucking me over and got basically evicted into the 2nd week of college and i had 3 da#to leave that situation or more people wouldve gotten fucked over. and ive been basically couch surfing since trying to find work#anyways i havent slept in a bed for more than a weekend since october 2021 my back is turbo fucked please help
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There needs to be a scientific study done on how Rockstar Games' Arthur Morgan is able to provoke the most earth shattering emotions I didn't even know I had in me
#you guys get me right#like you feel it deep in your chest#the joy the anguish the grief#it feels like words aren't enough#and I don't mean it as in “sad moment in video game makes you sad”#I mean it as in “a deep and well written moment that has been slowly building is fleshed out in a video game and I think about for weeks”#when I say I lose sleep over this game I really mean it#I spend hours just laying in bed thinking about everything that happens in arthur morgan's life#it eats at me#I'm not ashamed of how much I have cried over this game#it fucking gets to me#playing rdr2 is the best form of escapism until the story hits you like a stab in the chest but the blade just pushes in further and further#until you're left with a gaping wound#“wow michael I didn't know you were so emotional over pixels on a screen”#except those pixels were acted out and performed by real people and voiced by real people and designed to look like real people#the game's main target was historic realism emphasis on REALISM#to provoke emotions through amazing storytelling#it's okay to feel strongly about things!!#this game man#this game#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#mick squeaks#mick thinks#arthur morgan#red dead redemption 2 spoilers
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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gguys im so fucking serious id die for a flashback episode following at least one member of the team in the immediate aftermath of the merge
#WE KNOW LIKE LITERALLY NOTHING ABT WHAT ANYONE WAS DOING#ok cole we know has been in the lamd of lost things the entire time#and zane was offline(still leaves many questions??? howd he get in the egg??)#lloyd is missing a huge chunk of time (doesnt remember how he or the bounty got to the monastery)#and he meets kai a few weeks later who vaguely had to travel through several realms to get there#and nya didnt originally end up in the realm of madness or at least near the craglings. but we get no details on where she did end up#jay pixal and wu are obviously ????? too#guys im so fucking serious rn we know NOTHING#this show is gonna be the death of me#ninjago#lego ninjago#ninjago dragons rising#wyrm rambles
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I LOVE WINNING 😩😩😭😭
#sailubpon#garfieldbenz#thai bl#bl drama#upcoming bl#SCREAMING#been hoping and praying for a SailubPon show since the finale bc like#theyd be crazy not to give them something#they were insane#also G&B as the sides???? sign me the fuck up#this week has been shitty af so this is my savior lol#cooking crush is shaking#oh and also they need to think of a new title bc wtf is this lmao
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i love fingon so much just. he's so good and so reckless and he loves so fiercely it makes him do the most stupid shit, and in turn no one ever quite puts him first. I'm going to eat glass
#*mine#tolkien#the silmarillion#silm#fingon#turgon and gondolin. fingolfin and his despair. maedhros and his oath. aredhel and turgon. and so on and so FORTH. and YET#god. godddd#i'm fine it's fine I just need to lie down in traffic for a hot second#not even FINGON puts fingon first. he survives the helcaraxe and goes rescue maedhros#and i don't even mean he handles it gracefully i LOVE the idea of a fingon with a bit of an edge. who jumps head-first into danger#/because/ of all this. no one quite cares all that much cleary so why should he. he just wants to feel something so he might as well do som#unhinged fucking shit. move move move then at least you don't have to think so much#just. do you GET IT#screaming crying pls ignore me#these tags are a mess but this is what my brain has been like for a week straight so. yk#just. my guy :((
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lukewarm take of the evening: y'all care too much about being ""outdated"". fellas this smp moves inhumanly fast. it is ok to CHILL holy shit CHILL. y'all are like "(posts BANGER ART) super late guys sorry" friend i am hitting you with a blanket i am snapping you with my metaphorical towel WHAT DO YOU MEAN SORRY. "(posts BANGER FIC) rip this is outdated now" WHO CARES???? I LOVE YOU, OK. ohhhh woe is us as the fandom at large for having MORE HAPPY PILLS ARC CONTENT oh no how outdated!! how could you be writing speculative fiction about how forever felt during happy pills :( slash SARCASM!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!! THERE ARE SO MANY BANGER ARCS, WHAT, YOU THINK WE'RE COMPLAINING????? FOR GETTING MORE OF THE CONTENT WE LOVED????? oh no we're past the period where everyone thought green gay ninjas were like Dead Dead, my work is now outdated and noncanon :( WDYM. GIMME. A BANGER IS A BANGER IDC IF IT TAKES THREE MONTHS. you think rome was built in a day?? fuck you, baltimore, GIMME. my ass has been cooking a goddamn backflipo family fic since july when it was ALREADY outdated do you think i fear god??? "oh no, you're making an edit of slime's (attempted) egg murdering spree?? how could you, that was months ago it's irrelevant" SAID NO ONE EVER.
save your wrists kidlings ok carpal tunnel is no joke. CHILL!!!!! CHILL!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR TIME SHEEEEEESH OK LOVE YOU <3
#qsmp#shut up vic#block game brainrot#IT IS OK TO NOT ALWAYS POST SHIT THIRTY SECONDS AFTER IT HAPPENS!!!!!!!#for god's sake we have MONTHS of lore and bangers ok???#i still have a mental image of an art i wish i could make from BOBBY'S NIGHTMARE#HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR M O N T H S and you bet your ass if i can make it I WILL BE POSTING IT#SO. MUCH. SHIT. HAS. HAPPENED. who cares if it was months ago!!!!!!#it's ok to be a few days late!!! it's ok to be a few months late!!!!! don't tell me sorry for feeding me!!!!!!#part of me still lives in I'M NOT HOLDING A FUCKING FUNERAL CHAT#part of me still lives in maxo's final song for his son!!!!#part of me still lives in the day we thought ramón was gone for good#part of me still lives in cellbit sprinting to his son only to be ripped away back to the feds just as richas turns to write a sign#part of me still lives in the flooding of the copacabana ocean#THESE ARE BANGERS. REMEMBER WHEN FIT FOUND PAC E MIKE IN PRISON. BANGER.#oh dear new work expanding on a canon moment i super liked that happened months ago how late smh SAID NO ONE EVER#TWO CAKES!!!!! TWO CAKES MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!! WE LOVE PASTRIES DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT#COME ON Y'ALL. METAPHORICAL KISSES. LOVE YOU. HAVE A GOOD WEEK.#long tags
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