Do you ever stop and think about how August really is that bitch?

Like "so much for summer love and saying 'us' cause you weren't mine to lose"?????? Say less. Legit say less. I would literally get an "August slipped away like a bottle of wine" tattoo.

AUGUST SUPREMACY!!!!!

but literally receiving this ask was so scary lmao i had an entire crisis this afternoon when i listened to it again just because of the "cause you were never mine"/"cause you weren't mine to lose" lines like how did you KNOW, anon? hahahaha

the specfic type of heartbreak captured in those lines makes my chest ACHE like how something was that major and that special to you just to realise you were a side character in their side of the story :((( and how you not only have to say goodbye to them but also the wishes you had for the two of you and how foolish you feel because they didnt have the same wishes :(( i think that is what the song captures so beautifully for me, that awful feeling of feeling like the fool for caring about someone

but yes, we can get matching august tattoos bc my every waking moment is spent thinking about putting "to live for the hope of it all" on my body permanently 😌

Broken

Anon request: “hi love, hope you are doing well.. I want to request you something.. Can you please write a fic/series where Henry's Gf dies.. and he is absolutely devastated and a mess since then ..He remembers their fond memories, her immense love for him.. He is left to live the aftermath and misses her..(intense angst) I think with your writing this will be loved by all.. Please consider this request.. Love you <3″

A/N: This was honestly such a hard one to write, imagining Henry to be like this honestly broke my heart, I was literally a sobbing mess the whole way through. This was very different for me but I’m glad I expanded my horizons and wrote this. I would say I hope you enjoy it but I don’t think it's appropriate.

Also I know you asked for it to be Henry’s gf but I started writing it and it became wife so sorry. Also I usually write my stories as “you” but I’ve been wanting to switch it up a little so my stories don’t seem too repetitive. 

Also I listened to Goner by Twenty One Pilots (one of my favourite bands) whilst writing this so if you wish to listen to that, to add to the mood, ’ve added it.

I love you all so much - L

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(if you would like to be added to my tag list, feel free to message me, if you are new to my blog then I post Henry Cavill fanfics and make Henry Cavill fake Instagram posts, my requests are open so feel free to request anything and I will try my best to make your vision come to   life. Edit: requests are still open but there might  be a delay as I am working my way through the current ones and all  other stories I am writing)

Broken : Henry Cavill Fan Fiction

Warnings: mentions of death, severe angst, crying and sobbing Henry. Please do not read this if you think it will impact your mental health. Mental health matters and always comes first. Here for anyone who needs to talk 

He had never believed in the idea of the human heart shattering into a million pieces... until he lost her. This dreadful event had been the downfall of his once perfect life. 

Darkness. That’s all his life was now, the existence of her had changed his life, she was his saviour, his salvation, but the loss of his one true love, that destroyed his life. She was the brightness even in the darkest of times and places. Everything he had loved before, he despised now, everything reminded him of the woman he once held in his arms, the one he was lucky enough to call his wife. He was convinced he would never be the same again, he felt like his heart had been combined with hers and when she left him, his heart left him too. He hadn’t expected this, he had expected to grow old with her, have 4 or 5 children and several grandchildren to carry on the couples legacy. She had promised him that’s what would happen. She vowed to love him until their final days, and he had underestimated when that day would be.

Here he sat, in their garden, a cigarette between his fingers, bringing it up to his lips and taking a deep puff, the tar slipping down his throat and coating his lungs with filth, she’d scold him if she were here... but she wasn't. He knew it was bad for him, but he didn’t care anymore. He needed an escape, he didn’t want to feel anymore, he wanted all the agony and anguish to disappear, leave him like she had.

God knows why he blames himself but he does. She had her whole life left ahead of her and this cruel world stripped that from her, removed all opportunities for the both of them to live a full and happy life together.

“I miss you my love” he says, to the sky, the darkness perfectly resembling himself, the stars in the sky seemed to be dimmed, apart from one, which was glistening brightly. He had decided that was her, watching down from heaven. Heaven was another thing he hadn’t believed in until his world collided with hers. She was this angelic being and had to have fallen from heaven, there was no other explanation to her beauty, her perfect personality, one in which complimented that of his wonderfully. She was the kind of person that bettered those around her, made them whole, made them purer. 

Tears emptied from his eyes and he sighed, his hand which was holding his cigarette thrusting into his deep curls, curls he hadn’t washed or brushed in weeks. He didn’t think he could cry anymore, but here he was, water running down his face like a flood, amplifying his red and bloodshot eyes, the deep and bruising bags underneath his eyes a reminder of his soul crushing pain. His hand moved back down, slipping the tip of the cigarette back in between his lips, sucking it.

“God I fucking miss you baby” he says, his voice completly broken, he sounded like a character in a show or film, a different person alltogether and he supposes he is now he’s without his wife. He hears a knock on the door and swears, picking up the ash tray and walking with it, inside his house, where he plods to the door, swinging it open and seeing her best friend.

“Fucking hell Henry” she says as she sees him, the lead in her hands attahced to the collar around his dogs neck, Kal looks up at him making him turn away, even Kal reminds him of her and he can’t deal with him at the moment, hence why her best friend was looking after him. She closes the door behind her, following his trail back outside, releasing Kal from his collar, letting him roam the house.

“Thought you’d want to see Kal” she says, sitting outside with him, it was freezing and dark but she bared it, picking up his pack of cigarettes and taking one for herself.

“You don't smoke” he grunts, flicking the ash at the end of the cigarette into the ashtray.

“Neither do you” she quips back, making him raise his eyebrows, putting out the cigarette as it reaches its end, pulling one from his packet and lighting it instantly, needing his lungs to be filled with the poison.

“If she saw us now” her friend says, making him sigh, more tears falling down his face.

“Fuck” he says, wiping them away, the last thing he needed was her friend seeing him completly destoryed, she would for sure tell his family and hers and that would damage him even more.

“Henry” she says, sympathy laced in her voice.

“I miss her so fucking much” he says, making her reach forward and take his hand.

“Me too” she says, not knowing what to say, but she squeezes his hand, making him tear it back not wanting the attention.

“You don't understand,” he says, making her scorn him.

“Of course I don’t. It’s not as if she was my best friend. For fuck sake Henry, I’m trying to be here for you, its what she wanted” she said, looking away, her eyes landing on that same twinkling star, taking a puff from the cigarette.

“Well she’s not fucking here so who the fuck cares” he spits.

“Amazing. She wouldn’t have wanted this” she says, standing up, taking one last puff of her half used cigarettes, stubbing it out before leaving him.

“Wait” he says, stopping her in her tracks, she looks back, her eyes falling over his face, tears now streaming down his face, she walks over to him and his hands reach out to her, they’ve never done this but she knows he needs it, so she wraps his arm around him, his tears sinking into her shirt as his head rests against her.

“I’m so sorry” she says, tears springing in her eyes too.

“I can’t live without her” he sobs, his voice cracking making her heart ache for him.

“Henry” she says as she hears Kal crying behind her. Henry pulls away and looks at the dog, his face falling, the dog's large eyes looking into his.

“Hey buddy” he utters half heartedly and the dog walks up to where he’s sat outside, Henry puts out his cigarette and his hands begin to pet the dog's head.

“He’s had his hair cut” he says, making the friend nod.

“Yeah, he needed it, I know she usually takes him on Monday’s so I thought I’d take him” she says making Henry frown.

“Shit, did you tell Caroline?” he says, talking about the groomer she usually takes Kal to.

“Yeah” her friend says, a frown on her face too.

“I forgot to tell her.” he says.

“It’s okay, it’s the last thing you needed to remember” she says, referring to the long list of people Henry had to notify.

“We need to sort out the funeral, I can plan it if you’d like?” she says, making Henry shake his head, still petting his dog.

“No that’s okay, I should do it” he says, his voice breaking as he sobs loudly again.

“Henry, she'd hate to see you like this” she says, her hand gesturing to the man whose features looked uncanningly like another person.

“Well she’s not fucking here is she?!!” he shouts making her friend flinch.

“Sorry” he utters, dropping his head into his hands.

“I just wanna be alone” he says.

“No you don’t” she says, dropping down to her knees, placing her hands on his knees so she’s level with his face.

“Talk to me, she asked me to be here for you and that’s what I tend to do” she says caringly.

“Well I don’t fucking want you here, I want her and she’s fucking dead” he shouts, knocking her back, her hands landing on  one of Kal’s paws making him yelp.

“Shit, I’m sorry” he says, to her best friend and to Kal.

“I’ll just fuck off then” she says, giving up. The dog looks longingly at his dad as she storms inside, before she comes back with the lead clipping it onto the dogs collar, slamming the door as she leaves the house.

“Fuck” he shouts, standing up from his chair. He walks back inside, looking around his house. His hands land on a vase containing flowers from his mother and he throws it aggressively against the wall, the noise ringing out dramatically in the empty house. It smashes against a picture on the floor, the picture falling loudly to the floor, the glass from the vase and the frame smashingly loudly making him swear.

“Shit” he says, walking over the picture frame, picking it up, the shards cutting his hand, but he doesn’t flinch at the pain, no amount of pain could hurt more than that in his heart. His fingers push the remaining shards of glass off the picture, revealing a picture of him and his wife on their wedding day. A small smile appears on his face as he scans her face, she looks genuinely ecstatic, that's how he will always remember her. His lips are pressed against hers and he carries her down the aisle, a smile against her lips and he remembers the moment like it was yesterday. It was the best day of his life, their friends and family were there to celebrate the union of the couple, it was the day she promised to love him forever, promised to be his faithful and loving companion until death does she part.

“We didn’t know it would be so soon huh love?” he says, chuckling despite it being far from funny. He places the frame down, deciding to clean the glass up later, he no longer had the dog to worry about and he didn’t care if he got hurt by the sharp shards. 

His eyes drift to the other pictures that frame the walls, the one he had taken of her at their honeymoon, her naked body completely covered by the beach water, the waves crashing against the shore perfectly, making for the perfect picture, she had that same smile on her face and Henry’s lips lift up momentarily at the sigh.

“So beautiful” he says, looking at the picture.

The next is a picture he had taken of Kal attacking the beauty with kisses.

“That was taken after the first time we shagged '' he says to himself, chuckling at the memory. Laughing loudly when he remembers all the times she cringed when he used the word shag. They had shut the dog out wanting to save him from the sight of the two of them making love. Henry had gotten up moments after the wonderful moment when he heard his dog crying at the door, he had opened the door and Kal had jumped up on the bed, kissing her face as soon as he saw her, Henry had picked up his phone almost immediately, he remembers framing the picture on the wall but she had taken it down to cut part out (because her breasts were in the picture). 

He looks at the next picture and he thinks this might just be his favourite, it was a picture of her being carried by his brothers, they had played a game of rugby and Henry was worried she would get hurt but she beat his team and his brothers picked her up to celebrate her winning the final shot. They were all laughing and so was she.

“Oh how I loved your laugh baby” he says. He walks to the kitchen, grabbing the first aid kit from the cupboard and quickly cleaning and wrapping the wound, before  picking up a notepad she kept there, finding a fluffy pen she used and he began writing.

“My love,

No words can truly express how much I miss you, no words can describe my pain. So I’m not going to speak about that. I’m going to talk about how amazing you were, how amazing you will always be. The moment you walked into my life, I knew I was done for. You turned my word upside down baby. I know you were the one the moment I met you, I knew when you said my name for the first time, I knew when we kissed for the first time and every time since, when it felt like fireworks. In films we constantly see these epic ideas of love and me being the pessimist that I am never believed in them. But then I met you. And oh baby did that change. Our love was epic, and it always will be. I remember the first time you met my family, you were so nervous, you bit your lip so much that it bled. But the moment they met you, they loved you, you became one of us, that was the moment I knew I wanted to be your husband. I remember being so excited to meet your parents, because I was so curious to meet the people who shaped you into the wonderful person you are… were. I remember asking you to marry me and I was so fucking happy when you said yes, the moment you became my life will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. And part of me is convinced that it’s the best thing to happen to anyone, anywhere. I will forever be grateful for the time I had with you but boy do I wish we had more time. I will love you forever and a piece of me will always be absent. I ask you to look over me. Heaven is one lucky place because now they have you. I was and always be your husband, your Henry. This world has no idea how lucky it was to have you, you will forever be the love of my life and I will continue to count my lucky stars, everyday baby.

Forever yours,

Henry

I was asked about this topic recently, and, being bored out of my mind, I felt inspired to use it as a starting point for a new series! I hope to share my current headcanons about the personality types of the Digimon Adventure universe’s main characters, according to different personality systems: astrology, Enneagram, MBTI... feel free to suggest any other typologies you’d like me to explore in the future.

In this first post, I’ll try to explain which of the Sun Sign personality archetypes I find more likely and interesting for each character. Consider this this an update of my previous headcanons, post-tri. (and post LAST EVOLUTION Kizuna).

1: DIGIMON ADVENTURE + ZODIAC SIGNS

Taichi - Aries

Yamato - Aries

Sora - Pisces [semi-canon]

Koushirou - Aquarius

Mimi - Leo

Jou - Virgo 

Takeru - Libra

Hikari - Pisces

Daisuke - Sagittarius

Miyako - Gemini [canon]

Iori - Capricorn

Ken - Cancer

Meiko Mochizuki - Virgo/Libra

Maki Himekawa - Scorpio

Daigo Nishijima - Leo

Note: Every single headcanon is highly subjective and even I will probably change my mind about it. This is only a PROPOSAL.

If you’re interested in my interpretation and methodology, read on!

Canon Clues 

Although there are no official birthdays for the characters, several Adventure materials have provided “goalposts” where we can fit some characters’ birthdays. I strive to make my HCs as canon-compliant as possible, so it’s important for me to take this info into account.

Miyako is stated to be a Gemini in 02.

The official synopsis of tri. Indicates that Taichi is 17 years old during the series, suggesting the has an April-June birthday.

Sure, you’re free to ignore this little nugget if you prefer, but I personally like to think there’s a reason they mentioned Taichi’s age explicitly — something they never did before. They also never mentioned the explicit age of any of the other characters.

Funnily enough, the DALEK official website and novel lists the character’s ages during the events of the film. Since the film takes place in the summer of 2010, taking those numbers at face-value would require us to believe all 8 characters have birthdays in the first half of the year. 

This contradicts the explicit on-screen information about Jou’s age in the original series (see below). 

I’m proposing this should be interpreted as their “average” ages, rather than precise ages at this specific moment in time — after all, in Kizuna it’s more difficult to identify the characters by their school year, like they always did before.

Sora’s birthday is canonically before the events of Our War Game. The film takes place during the spring holidays, which typically begin around the third week of March.

Sora having a March birthday is so universally accepted by Japanese fans that it’s even on her Wikipedia page. I wouldn’t be surprised if more recent writers took that information into account, post-OWG, and portrayed her accordingly. 

Notice that Pisces is only the more likely option considering the canon timeline and Sora’s personality — Aries (late March) and Aquarius (mid-February) could fit as well. Hence why I consider this choice [semi-canon].

Jou, who is a 6th-grader, mentions he’s 11 years old during Adventure. This suggest his birthday would be after August 1.

Ken is supposed to be 9 years old in August 2000, when he’s in Year 3, suggesting he has an April-August birthday.

This is different from other guidebooks which only list the characters “average” ages, because this lists Ken’s precise age during a specific event.

I believe Ken being exactly 9 years old went to the Digital world is deliberate, since Osamu is stated to be 3 years older than Ken, hadn’t yet turned 12 when he died.

Again, except for Miyako, Sora, and Jou birthdays, I can understand why fans chose to ignore any of this.

Personal Notes

My method isn’t about finding a putative “Official / True Birthday” — that never existed, at least for the Adventure eight. It’s about finding birthdays that work within the limitations of canon (see previous section). 

My HCs are based on the personality / character archetypes represented by the the zodiac signs. In theory, any Chosen Child could be understood as representing a specific symbolical archetypes.

The problem is that the Adventure characters are quite complex and often deconstruct traditional archetypes. This explains why it’s so hard for fans to agree on which sign they are supposed to represent. I should also note that anime series seem to understand astrological archetypes slightly differently from the Western mainstream tradition, which explains why typical anime zodiac signs sometimes feel a bit “off”. 

Nevertheless, some archetypes are so strong that most of the fandom seems to have reached a consensus: Jou/Virgo and Koushirou/Aquarius, for example. Then you have textbook examples of archetypes like Gemini/Miyako (unsurprisingly canon), Taichi/Aries, and Hikari/Pisces. But even there is a lot of room for disagreement and subjective interpretation!

*

The 02 writers clearly intended Daisuke to symbolise Fire, Miyako Air, Iori Earth and, due to the Dark Ocean connection, Ken Water. In fact, it’s super easy to place those four characters into any traditional 4-group personality types, such as the four temperaments, Jung’s types, blood types, ABCD personality, etc. 

My HCs respect this, and ended up creating two polar opposites within the team: Daisuke/Miyako (mutable) and Ken/Iori (cardinal).  

*

It’s tempting to ascribe 12 main characters = 12 signs, but post-tri. I’m inclined to do something different and not put myself into such a limiting framework.

For this reason I repeat some signs, and I don’t have any Taurus character (sorry!).

*

My MAIN innovative choice is that I suspect Taichi and Yamato might represent the same sun sign.

Now, I understand this is an extremely controversial opinion. It isn’t a possibility I thought about until quite recently.

But Taichi and Yamato being “different but the same / two sides of the same coin” is incredibly well represented if both of them correspond to the Aries personality archetype. 

After all, they’re the leaders, the heroes, the Knights in shining armor. This explains their incredible similarities, despite superficial differences. as well as their love-hate dynamic: the rivalry, the union, the way they complement and balance each other out in an almost instinctive way.

Here are some examples of the Aries/Aries dynamic from the literature... 

Both of you are independent individuals and you don’t like feeling “owned” by anyone. Neither of you can tolerate being dominated or bossed by anyone else, so you probably make your own decisions, and direct your own lives. You respect one another’s autonomy, and a relationship that is based on constant togetherness and dependency wouldn’t suit either of you. Sometimes, however, there is too much emphasis on individualism rather than on being close and nurturing the relationship. You both have proud egos, and are sensitive to criticism. Almost inevitably you will compete with each other, and in small doses this can be invigorating. But it easily becomes nasty, and one of you is likely to get hurt. If you’ve ever seen two rams locking horns, you know what I mean! You either respect one another immensely or detest one another – rarely anything in between. (X)

If your relationship has been built on the basis that you are equals, the fire element produces tremendous vision and industriousness. Your combined power and effort could well be a force to be reckoned with — but again, only if you both learn to subdue your own ego in the service of each other. Remember, you can’t always be right. You need to try hard to see things from each other’s perspective; this will help the two of you become a great partnership over time. (x)

When Mars clashes with Mars, the result can be full-scale war, with all flags flapping, bravely and colorfully. Occasional flare-ups are bound to occur when these two are thrown into close, daily proximity, without the relief of some separateness in their association. But there will also be some glorious Highs to offset these Lows. (...)  It's been said that Aries people have a way about them. They do. Their own way. Yet, despite that sometimes antagonistic Martian exterior, they'll sense each other's desperate need to be appreciated and liked. When they get together, they may struggle for leadership, but the experience will supply some well-needed lessons. The shock of living with someone - or being around some- one - as innocently thoughtless, selfish and aggressive as one's self, is sure to soften any battering Ram, although there may be a few scars to show for the les- sons in living thus mastered. Aries hearts always carry more scars than the Rams ever show, or openly discuss. (x)

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? The more you read, the more this pattern begins to make sense. Try to watch the Dark Masters arc, the Agumon-is-kidnapped mini arc, tri., and even Kizuna with this possibility in mind, and you’ll understand what I mean.

Sure, order to accept this theory, you have to understand Yamato as a more atypical reserved / sensitive Aries (influenced by a Cancer Moon, perhaps?) and Taichi as a more “pure” Arien type. Yamato is more like a baby lamb, right? (don’t tell it to his face).

You can make a very strong argument for Leo!Taichi (that was my initial HC as well) or Yamato as almost anything else. I wouldn’t disagree. But why not come up with a fresh perspective to explain these two? 

Oh, and in case you’re curious, their (canon) Japanese Zodiac is also the same: Dragon, the direct equivalent to Aries. 

*

A note about tri.: typing Maki and Daigo seemed straightforward enough. Maki is the stereotypical Scorpio antagonist, and Goggle Boy Daigo’s partner evolved into a literal lion.

I couldn’t resist the idea of making Meiko a Libra, considering her digimon partner is literally the Libra and Meiko is the 9th member of the group. But  personality probably fits other signs better — it’s very tempting to type her a Virgo, the polar opposite of Hikari. She could also be the missing Taurus element (Mei as the literal May Queen). 

The truth is... I can’t decide!

*

Disclaimer: There is zero scientific evidence for astrology and, as far as I’m concerned, it’s only interesting as a tool to analyze fictional characters in symbolic /archetypal terms. My headcanons are based on extensive reading about astrology, its symbolism and psychological profiles; I’m happy to share my sources (they’re not from pop astrology). But I’m also aware of the Barnum effect. We are all biased; there are no right or wrong options. Everyone’s conflicting headcanons are equally valid.

Feel free to ask questions or request more in-depth explanations for my suggestions, but FFS don’t start arguing with me and insisting I’m “wrong” based on other people’s equally subjective and disputable headcanons.

*

BONUS: Sun sign Archetypes / Personality Keywords

Aries

Aries at its best : Brave, assertive, pioneering, quick, determined

Aries on a bad day: Aggressive, hard-headed, selfish, impulsive, impatient, brutal

The Aries archetype : Prince Lancelot, the brave and romantic rock star of King Arthur’s court

The Aries stereotype : The rage-a-holic in the pickup truck who just gave you the finger after cutting you off on the freeway

Gemini

Gemini at its best : Curious, inquisitive, quick witted, communicative, inventive, clever, adaptable

Gemini on a bad day : Verbally cruel, deceptive, disloyal, restless, doesn’t follow through”

“The Gemini archetype : The jester; clever and mischievous, your wit and agility are your best defense

The Gemini stereotype : The meddlesome neighbor, snooping and eavesdropping

Cancer

Cancer at its best : Family-oriented, nurturing, intuitive, domestic, maternal, sensitive, sympathetic, emotional, patriotic, retentive, traditional

Cancer on a bad day : Moody, touchy, oversensitive, negative, manipulative, overly cautious

The Cancer archetype : The universal mother

The Cancer stereotype : The smothering mother

Leo

Leo at its best : Regal, creative, magnetic, performer, generous, inspiring

Leo on a bad day : Vain, domineering, attention seeking, insecure”

The Leo archetype : The benevolent monarch

The Leo stereotype : The shallow playboy or party girl

Virgo

Virgo at its best : Discriminating, thorough, scientific, clean, humane, scientific, analytical

Virgo on a bad day : Picky, critical, petty, self-centered, hypochondriac, gloomy, pedantic

The Virgo archetype : Sherlock Holmes, with his staggering powers of perception and analysis and his earthy tweed jacket

The Virgo stereotype : The quiet, slightly geeky scientist or secretary with horn-rimmed glasses and a repressed manner

Libra

Libra at its best : Refined, artistic, diplomatic, sociable, peace loving, persuasive, just

Libra on a bad day : Fickle, over accommodating, argumentative, indecisive, insincere

The Libra archetype : The diplomat

The Libra stereotype : The gigolo or “kept” man or woman”

Scorpio

Scorpio at its best : Determined, probing, brave, passionate, insightful, empathetic, penetrating, investigative, powerful

Scorpio on a bad day : Jealous, suspicious, sarcastic, secretive, vengeful, manipulative

The Scorpio archetype : The magician, able to transcend the laws of nature to achieve transformation

The Scorpio stereotype : A secret agent, skilled at investigative work and most comfortable working behind the scenes”

Sagittarius

Sagittarius at its best : Philosophical, adventurous, freedom loving, scholarly, funny, honest, athletic, traveler

Sagittarius on a bad day : Crude, blunt, know-it-all, arrogant, superior, intolerant

The Sagittarius archetype : The wayfaring stranger who transforms a community with his knowledge and wisdom before moving on

The Sagittarius stereotype : The clown who trips over his gigantic shoes and throws pies in your face

Capricorn

Capricorn at its best : Responsible, authoritative, traditional, pragmatic, hardworking, economical, serious, mature, ethical

Capricorn on a bad day : Domineering, stubborn, inhibited, unfeeling, fatalistic, judgmental, unforgiving”

“The Capricorn archetype : The wise elder

The Capricorn stereotype : A cranky old man or woman who keeps yelling at kids to “stay off my lawn!”

Aquarius

Aquarius at its best : Independent, genius, iconoclastic, rebellious, logical, scientific, progressive, intellectual, humane

Aquarius on a bad day : Eccentric, temperamental, unpredictable, cold, opinionated, radical”

“The Aquarius archetype : The charismatic rebel who wins over his fellow men by thumbing his nose at authority

The Aquarius stereotype : The mad scientist

Pisces

Pisces at its best : Sympathetic, compassionate, emotional, intuitive, musical, artistic

Pisces on a bad day : Impractical, timid, procrastinator”

The Pisces archetype : The mystic

The Pisces stereotype : The flake

from Kent, April Elliott. “The Essential Guide to Practical Astrology: Everything from zodiac signs to prediction, made easy and entertaining”.

A Fae-ted Encounter || Athena & Luce

Timing: Monday, September 14th

Location: The woods outside White Crest

Tagging: @athenaquinn & @divineluce

Summary: Athena and Luce meet up for a morning run that quickly goes awry.

Athena had not necessarily expected to hang out with Luce outside of the whole getting a tattoo experience, no matter how much she had found their conversation to be enjoyable. So when Luce had mentioned a love for going for runs, Athena jumped at the chance. She found getting out and exercising to provide a certain thrill only matched by an especially good hunt or a particularly engaging textbook. It was early - just before six a.m., and the smell of the forest was calming. She began to stretch while she waited for Luce - and the feeling of her knives against her hips was comforting, as always. It was the easiest place to keep them during a run, since her running shoes didn’t provide a great deal of coverage. Particularly not as far as weaponry was considered. She had always been one to have a desire to be prepared, and this guaranteed that. Finishing up a second round of stretches, she looked up to see Luce approaching. “Hey! How’s it going this morning? Glad we were able to find the time to go for a run.”

No one ever talked about how much stress fucked with your sleep schedule. Luce was no stranger to sleepless nights, but it seemed like more often than not, she was stuck staring up at the ceiling of her room or drawing designs until her wrists ached and the sun had begun to break through the blinds of her window. Which was why she was going for a run now-- coffee could only do so much and fuck, going for a run with one of the kids she tattooed? She’d done weirder. Parking her 4x4 alongside the road, Luce stretched briefly against the side of her car before jogging towards the place they’d agreed on meeting up. It was a familiar trailhead to her, one of the many she frequented. “It’s going, it’s going. Nothing like a run to get things going though.” Luce said with a nod, tying her long hair back up in a ponytail. “Yeah, for sure. I haven’t run with a partner in a while, so it might take me a minute to match pace.” She warned, and tilted her head at the woods. “Let’s hit the trails, huh?” She grinned before setting off at a light jogging pace, just to get the blood pumping. 

“I agree completely!” Perhaps her voice held just slightly too much enthusiasm, but Athena found that she didn’t care all too much. Not to mention, that sort of behavior was likely exactly what Luce might have expected, given what she did know about her. “Not a worry, I have a few friends I run with sometimes, but I’m flexible.” She flashed the woman a grin, carefully observing her. This was an entirely different context from the last time that the two of them had hung out, and she was curious if Luce’s behavior would change in any way. She didn’t so much mind whether or not it did, she’d found her to be pleasant to talk to both in person and online, and more people to go for runs with was never a bad thing. “Let’s go!” Athena nodded, matching Luce’s pace. “Do you have a favorite trail or spot to go running? I know that I sometimes will change it up, but I think that’s carryover from sometimes not wanting to ever sit still as a kid. As much as I can deeply concentrate, I also have a need to move and see different things. Despite being small, this town does manage to provide that. On a tangential note, I hope we don’t see any moose today. That’s not a fun time on a hike.”

Raising an eyebrow at the girl’s tone, Luce decided to take it in stride. Literally, she grinned to herself at the idea. As they began to run through the woods, she kept her strides nice and measured, really focusing on just letting her muscles move, the blood to flow. It wasn’t as hot as it had been in the middle of July, thank fuck, but her natural body temperature made running in the summer a bitch. As she ran alongside the girl, Luce was reminded why she didn’t typically run with other people. People liked to talk. people liked to chatter and make small talk and she just… didn’t give a shit about it. She barely gave a shit when she was at work. But, hopefully talking more would help her stay awake. “Eh, mostly just the places around my cabin because it was closest and most convenient to me. But, there are a couple places in the national park that are pretty. There’s a cool trail that leads into a whole field of wildflowers-- it’s best in the spring, but still. Not a bad spot year round.” Luce lengthened her stride a bit, picking up the pace as they wound through the woods. “Oh, fuck no. I’m so not down for a moose run in.” She said with a shake of her head. Her silver knuckledusters were tucked into the discreet pocket in the waistband of her leggings, but those wouldn’t be enough to stop a moose, not at all. She’d just be hightailing it up the nearest tree if they ran into one.

She hadn’t doubted the woman when the two of them had discussed going for a run, but Athena was pleased to see that the woman kept up with her - was arguably a better runner than she was in some ways, though she was not too keen to admit that just yet, if at all. “That makes sense. I run on Harris Island a lot too for much of the same reason - it’s home for me, and though not the woods, it does provide wide and open space to go. Though sometimes I go through town.” Sometimes, and she’d run into banshee screams on more than one occasion. She wasn’t going to focus on that right now, though. “That sounds wonderful! Not sure if I’ve been on that trail before, but it sounds like a good place to go.” The two of them continued to make their way through the forest and Athena had to hold back a small giggle at Luce’s remark about the moose. “Though I’m not always opposed to them, they certainly are not on my ‘must see’ list ever.” There was a bit of an incline as the two of them continued through the forest, the morning air cool and calming - which was one of the number of reasons why she enjoyed this time of day as much as she did.

“Harris Island, huh? Too bougie for me.” Luce said, as they continued along the forest trail. Sure, Harris Island was pretty, but she hadn’t been back there since she’d dealt with… August. And Lydia. Her expression turned dour at the memory. That fucking bitch. She’d sworn her to silence about what they’d done, bound her, like she’d bound August. Fuck. “I’m not a big fan of the mega mansions they’ve got chilling out there. The Common’s not a bad place to run around town, though.” She added. As they made their way through the woods, Luce focused on her breathing, making sure to keep it nice and smooth. This particular trail was just a quick 1.5 mile loop, but she was still feeling the effects of her sleepless night. If she’d been in better shape, if she’d been less tired, she might have noticed the rustling in the bushes, the way the birds seem to quiet around them. But, as it was, she just kept running. 

“I mean, I still live with my parents. You are not wrong about it being a bit bougie, though I like being right near the ocean.” Athena shrugged. “I guess I’m used to it too.” She noted Luce’s change in expression and fiddled with the end of her hair for a moment, giving a small murmur of agreement at her words. “Oh yeah, The Common’s great!” When there’s no fae flocking around, but she kept those thoughts to herself. They were making their way steadily around the trail when Athena all of a sudden felt a shiver run up and down her arms as she skidded to a halt. So much for fae not ruining the hike. She turned to look at Luce, before looking back at the bushes, a rustling sound becoming more and more clear before she could spot ears. Shit. “We might have a bit of a problem.” She took in a deep breath, focusing her attention. The iron cold on her hip. 

“Nice. Must be lucky living out home.” Luce remarked, the comment sounding offhand. But, a part of her meant it. The recent wound of her mother, turning her back on the three of them, was still raw, still open and painful. She hated her mother for what she’d done to them, hated her father for never standing up for them, but she couldn’t shake the sadness that came with losing them. She shouldn’t feel so fucked up about it. She didn’t regret what she’d done. She’d done what was right. Even if it came at the cost of unclean hands and of losing the people she loved most. Before she could get too in her feelings about it all, Athena came to an abrupt halt. Taken off guard, Luce stumbled to a stop but managed to right herself. “What? What’s up?” She asked, looking at the trees around them.

“I am lucky, but I also love my family, so I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” Athena shrugged. She wouldn’t, would she? Shaking any sort of thought like that out of her mind, she refocused herself on what was actually going on. Namely, the giant gosh darned fae-dog that was just off in the bushes. “Don’t move.” She gave a small nod, the creature standing up now. “It’s a - well. It’s not a normal dog.” Cù-sìth, she thought, her mind whirring as it often did, as she’d been trained to do. “You see that, right? Large dog. Very quiet.” She huffed. It might not be quiet for long. 

“That’s more than fair, for sure.” Luce nodded in agreement. After all, family was why she still lived at Bea’s. She could be back at her cabin, she could be staying there right now in fact. But, since they’d been cast out of the coven… there was a part of her-- a part of her that she refused to show to her sisters-- that wanted to keep what remained of her family close. All of those thoughts were pushed out of her mind at the girl’s words. Scanning the woods around them, Luce’s eyes fell on the giant dog that was lurking in the bushes. It wasn’t a wolf, so not a werewolf, but she wasn’t exactly familiar with every beast that ran around the woods. “Yeah, I see it.” She said, her hands resting on the waistband of her leggings, feeling the curve of the metal tucked in her pocket. “What’s the plan? Back away slowly?”

She didn’t know how much Luce knew. Athena remembered that the woman had grown up in this town, but she also knew that none of that guaranteed knowledge of anything. It made her job both easier and more difficult, but right now she wasn’t going to focus on anything but Luce and getting her to safety. “Good.” She nodded. “That’s - backing away is good, but these - they’re real fast when they want to be. Might not look it, but they are. Can be.” The cold iron of her knife was incredibly appealing but she couldn’t bring it out just yet. “You - we don’t want it to howl.” She whispered to Luce, taking another few steps towards the woman. “That’s not good. It’s - their howls aren’t normal.” She looked over at her. Athena knew that she’d be fine, but as fae as she was aware, Luce wasn’t a warden. “They are not the friendliest of dogs.”

As she stared at the creature, Luce was able to see that there the “dog’s” fur was green, with tufts of what looked like grass sticking out in clumps. “Is there any reason why this thing looks like a Husky fucked a hedge?” She hissed, as she tried to back away from the dog while discreetly pulling the knuckleduster from her pocket. But, her leggings were just a bit too tight and the weapon remained stubbornly tucked in her waistband. Christ. A dummy thicc joke went through her mind briefly, but it was quickly pushed out of her mind as the creature began to stalk towards them, hackles raised. “What do you mean their howls aren’t normal?” She asked, but before the girl could answer, the dog was already opening its mouth, a horrific howl coming from its maw. Instantly, Luce went to her knees, clasping her hands over her ears, but that couldn’t keep the bellowing sound that had already pierced her skull.��

“Because it’s one of the worst kinds of dogs you could ever see.” Athena admittedly had to smirk just slightly at Luce’s comment. Well, if that was anything to go off of, then perhaps she would have an easier time convincing her that this thing would be better off dead. “I mean that -” before she could respond, the creature had howled and though Athena knew it would have no sort of effect on her, Luce wouldn’t be so lucky. “We’ve got ten minutes max until it might howl again. Sometimes - there’s some ways or cases when people die after three howls.” She knew that she was talking faster than normal but she had to get all of the information to Luce as best as she could. “You - it’s going to make you feel afraid, but that’s okay. It’s - well,” she pulled one of her iron daggers out of its resting place against her hip. “I might have a solution. It is the only way to deal with this. It could do a lot of harm to those in town if we let it get away.”

The howl was the worst thing she’d ever heard-- and Luce had sat through more shitty fucking local bands at Soul than she wanted to admit. Fuck. It was as though her blood had gone cold, while at the same time, her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her goddamn chest. Fear, the overwhelming sensation of dread, of terror, of the urge to run as fast and as far as her feet could take her from that thing filled her chest. “F-Fuck!” Luce managed as her hands fell to the earth, clawing at the dirt. Heart pounding, eyes daring wildly, she stared up at the girl with unseeing eyes, too overwhelmed by sheer terror to do much more than stare. But, she saw a flash of metal, a knife. Was she going to hurt her too? Was she going to attack her like that fucking hedge husky? Fuck. Blue flames ignited in the dirt around her hands, a reflex, a means to protecting herself, even as the fear clung to her.

This wasn’t her fault, but some part of her thought that maybe she should have been more careful. Athena glanced between the cù sìth and Luce. Luce, who now had flames around her fingertips. Spellcaster? Or something else, Athena wasn’t quite sure at first. Holding the knife out toward the dog, she knelt down next to Luce, careful not to touch the other woman. “That thing over there causes fear. It’s doing this to you on purpose.” She wasn’t certain if Luce would even fully understand what was going on, but she needed the woman to know that she wasn’t going to hurt her, but that this creature was going to do a lot of harm if one of them didn’t get rid of it. “Fire might not do much, though it is a good idea,” she said, trying to keep her voice as even as possible.

Luce’s gulped in air, taking it in with rapid, panting breaths. The thing, she couldn’t see it, couldn’t tell where it had disappeared in the brush around them. She wanted to wrap herself in flames, protect herself from that thing. Its howl still rang in her ears as her fingers dug deeper into the earth, as though the gesture would ground her and keep her safe. As she struggled to control herself, Luce was able to catch the snippets of words-- Athena, Luce remembered her name through the oppressive waves of fear. It wasn’t just dread, the lingering howl rattled in her mind and she could hear voices. Screaming, in pain, begging for something to end. Bea. Nell. Ulf. Remmy. Nadia. Morgan. “No. No, no, no, no, no.” She said, curling up in on herself as she tried to ignore it. But, the flames around her grew, blue tongues curling around her arms now.

The woman was having an anxiety attack of some sort. Or at least that was what it seemed like to Athena. “Look. I’m not going to hurt you.” She didn’t know how much of what she was saying was getting through to Luce, so she kept repeating it, in different ways. They didn’t have much time to act. “Will that keep you safe?” She queried, looking down at the fire. For a brief flash of a moment, she found herself wishing that she could give the other woman some immunity to the creature just like she had. But if that wasn’t possible, ridding the world of it was the next best thing. “I can make this stop, if you’d like. I can - your fire might be able to help too.” Her voice held a certain sort of gentleness that surprised even her, but if that was what it took, she would gladly comply. “One blow to a major organ of that thing using my knife and we’ll be free. It won’t hurt you or anyone else.”

Dimly, Luce could see the way that the girl looked at the fire that was winding up her forearms, coiling like snakes around her biceps. “Y-yeah.” She managed, doing her best to try and calm herself. Her heart was still racing, her breathing still too quick. Her head felt strange, like it was going to fucking… pop off or something. Christ. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck that dog and it’s fucked up howl. Gritting her teeth, Luce staggered to her feet and looked at Athena. “How? And… why aren’t you..?” Her voice trailed off as she gestured to herself. The girl hadn’t even missed a beat when the creature had howled. How?

She wasn’t supposed to tell others what she was. That was practically a cardinal rule back home, but she knew she’d messed that rule up a number of times, be it on purpose or on accident. But she knew what Luce was, or had some sort of idea, and it was only fair for Luce to know what Athena was, too. “I’m a warden. I would appreciate it if you kept that to yourself, but that’s why it is not doing anything to me. It is a form of fae, but it is going to do a lot of harm if we don’t take care of it as soon as possible.” She looked over at Luce. “Your reaction is normal for anyone who isn’t fae and isn’t a warden. We need to deal with it… soon. It’ll likely howl again soon, and that’s not good for anyone.”

As the girl explained just why she was able to withstand the fucked dog’s howl, Luce’s eyes widened. A Warden? That was some kind of hunter, right? She had no idea that there were specific hunters that went after different shit, but sure, that worked. She could roll with that, as long as Athena could fucking handle it. “Okay. Okay. W-what can I do to help?” She asked, hating the way her voice stammered with fear. She was better than this, she was fucking better than this. Clenching her fists, she did her best to rein in the flames a bit, just to keep them away from the girl. She doubted that wardens were fireproof. “I can… set fire to things. Or blow shit up. But I don’t know where it is.” She said, her eyes darting around the forest around them.

“If you want to keep it trapped, that might do us both a lot of good.” Athena bit her lip. She looked over at Luce carefully. Even if she was one to sometimes rush into things, even she could tell that right now was not the time for that. “We don’t want it escaping, but maybe blocking it so that it’s got no choice but to come towards me. That could help.” She analyzed the scene around them quickly - doing her best to take in as much of it as she could. Doing her best to think a few steps ahead. “Setting fire is good.” She glanced around them. “I think…” she closed her eyes for a moment, letting her skin feel cold. Doing her best to embrace the feeling. “It’s by those trees,” she said, upon opening her eyes. “I can see its tail.”

Swallowing, Luce shook her head in an attempt to get the ringing out of her ears. She could light shit on fire. That was all she was good for and she sure as shit wasn’t going to stop doing it now. Glancing over at the girl, she frowned when she saw that Athena’s eyes were closed. What the fuck..? Some kinda fucking Spidey-Sense bullshit? Hunter stuff? Whatever, as long as it worked, she wasn’t going to argue with it. Flicking her fingers in the direction Athena had told her, the trails of flame flew from her arms and slithered across the ground. The twin snakes of blue ignited the brush around them, sending fire and smoke into the air as Luce directed the magic to create a circle around the beast. “W-what now?” She managed as she brought one of her hands up with a grasping motion, sending the blue flames up into the air. Her fire, it was flickering, not as powerful as it usually was, and it took every effort to keep her grasp on her magic. 

“If you can help.” Athena repeated. “If you can help at all, we can corral this thing and we can be rid of it.” She ran her fingertips along the knife, savoring the feeling of the cold iron. Just like always. It was comforting, though she knew well enough not to voice that to anyone. She was good at playing the part of normal, and even though Luce clearly knew something was up now, she didn’t have to act in the same way that she could act at home. In fact, Athena was acutely aware of just how much she shouldn’t act that way. Luce, though she clearly had some powers of her own, was still human, and that meant Athena had to do her best to protect her. To make sure she was safe and well. “It’ll be quick after that. I’m good and I’m fast, and then you won’t be afraid anymore.” 

Gritting her teeth, Luce nodded. “I can do that. I can… do that.” She managed, though the words were more to reassure herself than Athena. Sucking in a deep breath, she nodded as the beast began to snap and bite at the flames, as though it was testing the boundary. She urged the magic forward, feeding the flames with power that made them rise higher into the air, their cobalt tongues dancing among the brush. The creature let out a yelp and scampered back into the center of the circle, its tail low and hackles raised as it spun around, searching for a way out. “Go get ‘em, Tiger.” She growled, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to hold this for very long. Her magic was intrinsically tied into her emotions and fear like this, the primal urge to run? It made wielding the flames incredibly draining. 

Although Luce was clearly terrified, Athena had to appreciate how willing she was to jump right into action. She made a mental note of that - for the future, at least - one never knew when something like that could come in handy. Right now was not the time to focus on the future - right now she had to focus on getting rid of this thing. Whatever Luce was doing was working, and Athena let a breath out. “On it.” She said, and under any other circumstance she would have flashed a grin towards Luce, but the other woman likely wouldn’t respond to that right now, and so she kept it internal, her face professional. She took off toward the creature, permitting a smirk to cross her face as she came closer. “You can’t hurt me.” She giggled. “You can’t do anything to me.” The creature stood by her. It had been just over eight minutes, which meant it might howl again at any point. She had to stop it before that happened. “I can, however, do a whole lot to you.” She held tightly onto her knife before digging it into the creature’s chest, praying that she hit a vital organ, and grinning when it collapsed onto the ground. Turning around, she rushed back over to Luce. “It’s gone now. It’s not going to hurt you. Or anyone.” 

Keeping the circle of fire going without letting it burn the girl was hard, harder than Luce wanted to admit. But, she was going to make sure that fucking terror hound was gone. And if Athena said she could deal with it, she’d believe her. Just send in the blonde kid with a knife, no big deal. She watched as the girl circled the creature, stance just as predatory, before darting forward and plunging the knife into its chest. And then, it was over. Like that. Releasing her hold on the magic that was straining from her grasp, Luce let out a sigh and slumped back down on the ground. The howl, that fucking howl, it still had her messed up. But at least it was dead. “Nice.” She managed, wiping the sweat from her brow with a weary hand. “Fuck.” Luce muttered with a shake of her head. “Thanks for that.” She said not really sure what else she was meant to say. Thanks for shanking a fucked up dog? Thanks for being chill with the whole fire thing? Whatever.

She was hesitant to touch Luce, and so Athena instead settled for kneeling next to the woman, making sure that she was still breathing. The cù-sìth was dealt with, she didn’t have to worry about it surprise-attacking them. “Thank you. I - well, I don’t usually lose if I put my mind to anything. Be it something like this or an exam.” She wasn’t sure that her attempt to lighten the mood would have the intended effect, but so long as the thing was dealt with and Luce was alive, that was all that mattered. She found herself relieved that Luce also didn’t seem opposed to her hobby. “Oh - yeah, of course. It’s what I do.” She pulled her knees up against her chest and looked over to Luce. “We should get you home, probably. It’s - well, the - that cù-sìth is gone now. It’s - you’ll be alright.” She offered her a small smile. “I appreciate all the help you provided too. Nice team up, if a bit unexpected. Certainly not how all of my runs end.”

Not the type to lose, a perfectionist, huh? She sounded like Bea. Luce shook her hands out, dusting some of the dirt from her palms. Or… well, how Bea had used to sound. Her sister hadn’t been the same since everything that had happened. “Well, sounds like I lucked out big time.” She said and sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. She was absolutely wiped and it was only what… fucking 8? Christ. She still had work, still had appointments to keep. “Yeah, thanks. I need a big ass coffee, but I think I’ll be good after that.” Luce nodded. “No problem. Obviously, I’m not a hunter-- witch, duh-- but I’m not a fan of shit like that kicking it in the woods. I’m happy to help.” She said, before letting out a wry laugh. “Definitely not how they tend to go. Either way… thanks, Athena.” She said offering a slight wave of her hand before heading back to her car. Who’d have fucking thought? The semi-neurotic blonde who’d stepped into Ink Inc, a hunter? Whatever. She’d heard of weirder shit. And at the moment, she didn’t really care to question it, not when the girl had saved her from getting turned into dog food. But still… Who’d have thought?

#MarichatMay Day 21+22

Embracing the French culture today, I liked the challenge of making our two lovebirds kiss on Bastille Day rather than on New Year’s Eve (the only two moments we get fireworks in Paris)! I hope you like it, thanks for all the support! xxx

@marichatmay

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Day 21: Fireworks + Day 22: Kiss

There are two teams in Paris for Bastille Day: on the one hand, the people who go on holiday in July, shunning the famous Eiffel Tower fireworks for a less urban scenery, generally on one of France’s coasts where the heat is less oppressive. On the other hand, those who holiday in August, by choice or otherwise, or those who simply don’t, who take all the celebrations as a compensation for not being able to escape. 

Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste were on the latter team. Due to the success of her parents’ bakery, Marinette generally only got away from the City of Lights for one week at the beginning of August, business being slower as the Juillettistes returned and the Aoûtiens left. As for Adrien, it had been a while since his father had taken a holiday; the only travelling any of them did was strictly for business, and generally never in Summer. They were virtually the only people in their class left in the capital. 

Although aware of the other’s presence in Paris, neither knew how to reach out to suggest spending time together. And with both of their main wing people, Alya and Nino, away, it seemed like contact wouldn’t be made anytime soon. Unbeknownst to the two teenagers, both had considered visiting the other as their alter ego, and had even tried. Marinette had chickened out when she’d seen him sitting at his desk, not knowing how to justify her presence, and fearing she might reveal herself if she spoke with him. Adrien had simply not found her as he repeatedly swung by her place right after patrol, hoping to bump into her. 

Having seen Chat Noir snoop around outside her room, obviously looking for her, several times in a row, having made it to her place before she could, Marinette decided maybe she should take action before Chat could connect the dots. Feigning something about relatives coming into town, Ladybug bailed on him for patrol on the 13th of July, and Marinette made sure to be obvious on her balcony. She didn’t know what he wanted with her, but knowing she would be seeing him made her feel all giddy inside. He was pretty much the only person she talked to in person these days, apart from her parents. They both seemed slightly reticent at the thought of leaving each other at the end of patrol, and the thought that she could get some extra time with her (male) best friend made her feel better.

“Well hello, there, Purr-incess!” Chat’s smile was as bright as sunshine as he landed next to her. “I was starting to lose hope that I’d see you before the end of the Summer!”

“Awe, that’s cute, you really came to check on me?” She opened her eyes wide, exaggerating her surprise. She liked playing slightly dumb with him, although the more time she spent with him, the less she was inclined to do it. Something about wanting to impress him somehow? Had she not been thinking about Adrien so much she might have started thinking she was developing feelings for her partner.

“Well, you know, the bakery’s open, things had moved in your room between the first and the second time I came around... Just thought you might be there.” He shrugged as he scratched the back of his head slightly sheepishly.

“You must have been around when I was visiting my grandfather.” She half-lied. She did see him every other day, but generally in the morning, to make pastries with him. “Had I known you’d be coming, I would have changed my schedule around, though, it’s not like much is happening right now.” She smiled tightly, her gaze falling on the empty street below them. There were usually a comfortable flow of passer-bys at this time of the evening.

“I know exactly what you mean.” Chat sighed, leaning his elbows on the railing, his back slightly slumped. “I miss school.”

“You don’t mean that!” She gasped. “They’ll hear you and give you holiday homework.” She half-whispered, suspiciously looking around them. It brought a smile to his previously pouting lips.

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” He turned around, the railing now against his back as he looked at her, affection seeping from his eyes.

“Tomorrow? For the Quatorze Juillet?” She tilted her head, pretending to think when she knew the plan would be the usual, staying in with her parents, and catching the fireworks from the exact place they were standing in later. “Nothing in particular, why?”

“Want to watch the fireworks from a rooftop claw-ser to the Eiffel Tower?” Chat Noir had intended to ask Ladybug that exact question, but it was her loss for not showing up tonight. And he wasn’t going to invite her along, he had some catching up to do with Marinette.

“Sounds great!” She grinned, her smile spreading to her pretty blue eyes. 

“I’ll pick you up at 7pm then?”

“Can’t wait!” 

Chat left with a slight spring in his step, excited to spend time with his good friend. And also imagining how pretty she would look in the dappled coloured light of fireworks. 

---

He probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the fact she was carrying a basket full of provisions when they met up the next day. Leave it to her to think of all the little details that made events like this one perfect. His stomach rumbled at the thought of the T&S bakery quiche he could smell thanks to his excellent cat senses. He had reached for the basket (obviously to carry it for her, not to eat from it), but Marinette had flicked him lightly on the nose with a smirk at the sound, asking him to be patient.

Her confidence and playfulness had wavered slightly as they landed on top of the Agreste’s hôtel particulier. It was a prime spot to watch the show, being quite literally at the foot of the main attraction.

“Are you sure we can be here?” She asked, afraid to move too much. What if they were caught? What if Adrien caught them? 

“Paw-sitive. Adrien and his father are at an event tonight, no one’s Home.” Ha. She still looked slightly flustered at the thought of being in someone’s property, especially someone she knew. He wished he could tell her that actually Adrien was here, speaking to her, and that’s how he knew the others had a day off (Gorilla) or were in Tokyo (Gabriel and Nathalie). “I asked Adrien, don’t worry, he’s fine with us being here. And we agreed not to tell his father.”

The information seemed to appease her. Marinette smiled brightly at him and got the picnic supplies out, spreading a blanket at their feet to set their makeshift table on. He helped her lay out the food, amazed at the quantities contained in the basket. He couldn’t wait for the passion fuit macarons he’d spotted. 

They chatted as they ate, Chat happy to finally talk to someone about something else than his schedule and his piano rehearsals. He liked seeing Marinette so relaxed, and was glad the holidays helped her loosen up a bit. She always seemed quite stressed when they interacted at school, probably because of the amount of work they had. It checked out: Chat generally visited her at the weekend, when she had a little more time on her hands to unwind.

Marinette was happy to be with Chat Noir. She felt comfortable sitting close to him on the roof. The fact it was Adrien’s roof had quickly slipped her mind as he told her all about his adventures with Ladybug. She liked hearing him talk, he seemed so passionate and happy. Which wasn’t always the case when Ladybug met up with him.

The pair had shifted closer as the evening went by, to the point where they sat next to each other, facing the Eiffel Tower when the fireworks started. The sudden crackling, slightly deafening in contrast with the peaceful bird chirping and laughs that came from the nearby Champs de Mars, made Marinette jump and laugh in surprise, her shoulder now touching Chat’s arm due to their height difference. She instinctively leaned her head on his shoulder, marvelling at the light show. Chat’s arm automatically wrapped around her waist, as his head tilted to rest on top of hers.

“Do you know why the sound is delayed?” He whispered in her ear, bright colours erupting in the night sky before their associated ‘boom’ could be heard.

“No?” She answered, turning slightly towards him. His warm breath near her ear had sent butterflies flying in her stomach. Fireworks, she corrected herself, the innocent image of butterflies tarnished by Hawkmoth in her mind. 

“It’s because light travels faster than sound. So by the time sound reaches us, more lights have have had time to make it in the sky.” Said lights reflected very handsomely in his masked eyes.

“Interesting.” She smiled. Like the fact your lips look very kissable right now. She mentally shook her head at the thought. “You know, I never pegged you as a scientist, Kitty.”

“Physics is actually my favourite subject.” He smiled. 

“I guess there’s a lot I still don’t know about you.”

Their faces had inched closer as they spoke, not only because of the ambient noise.

“You know, I’d really love for you to know more about me.” Chat whispered, his lips mere centimetres from hers, taunting her. 

She gave in. 

It wasn’t much. Just a brush of their lips, really. But it caught both of them by surprise. Marinette felt frozen as she pulled away, her heart rate having risen far beyond what she thought was possible. She avoided his gaze, her cheeks burning. 

“I- I’m sorry, I don’t-”

Chat’s lips suddenly on hers interrupted her mid-sentence. His kiss was gentle, yet deep, tentative, yet just right. His hands, which had tilted her head up tenderly at first, now cupped her face, his gloves much softer than she would have expected against her skin. One of Marinette’s hands tangled in his hair at the nape of his neck, the other rested against his torso. She was glad to feel she wasn’t the only one whose heart had gone haywire. She smiled as his chest vibrated in a purr, momentarily masking his heart rate.

The fireworks around them were nothing compared to that inside of them. In fact, they didn’t even notice when the former stopped, too lost in their own bubble, on a Parisian roof on a hot Summer evening. 

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 179

There were high hopes for August to be a little calmer. A little cooler. A little more what you’d signed up for when you and Tony had said you were stepping away from the Avengers. You wanted to focus a little more on Stark Industries and less on clean up and government hearings. And maybe start planning an actual vacation. Seeing as how the last one got ruined about four days in. 

It was why you’d called Tony to your office. And why he’d agreed to come over from the labs. Such a long and exhausting journey that that was, just a few floors separating the two of you. 

He’d come in with a knowing smile, a little bend over your desk. A small kiss that promised more. 

-once he was done telling you that the developers were finalizing their prep of the plot of land the two of you had picked. And were still being extra quiet about it. No one the wiser. No stories in the press by curious couples in the area. Just the usual. Somebody was moving in. Nobody important. Certainly not the Starks. 

You were halfway into telling him you were thinking about clearing your schedule. And a little more than halfway into a much deeper kiss as he settled his hands on the shoulders of your chair, leaning in from his spot on the corner of your desk. Then something came up. Like it always did. 

This time it was FRIDAY’s voice. Cutting between the both of you. “Boss. Ma’am. Sorry to interrupt.” 

Tony took a deep breath in but held back the sigh, still, the roll of his eyes told the whole story. “I bet.” 

Deciding not to be rude, you tilted your head a little skyward. “What is it, FRIDAY?” 

“There’s been a break-in at the Avengers Facility.”

The two of you sort of just stared at each other. Probably both waiting for the other one to make the first move. To make the call. To decide what either of you were going to do with that information. If you should do anything with it. Hesitation was wearing thin. He spoke- you spoke- one second within one another. Voices overlapping. 

When you stopped, he gestured his hand vaguely at you. As if to say, no no go ahead. So. Ahead you went. “FRIDAY who is at the compound right now?” 

“Aside the usual DC crew patrolling, all Avengers are off grounds, except for Falcon.” 

Falcon. One of the newest and greenest members. Sam Wilson. A man you admired and respected for sure. One of Steve’s new picks. No one objected. And Tony enjoyed retooling those Falcon wings into something really spectacular. But… perhaps Sam was not ready to be in charge of such a huge operation. No. That was Steve’s job. And apparently he was off somewhere else. Which was fine. He didn’t have to be at the Facility all hours of the day. But… funny. How he wasn’t there when something like this happened. 

Tony sat back on the desk, crossing his arms. Waiting. Waiting for you to make yet another call. To decide if this was worth getting involved further in. You two weren’t supposed to be dealing with things like this. Yet… if FRIDAY had an alert- if she knew to alert you- it was more likely that she’d just been trying to tell Tony. And Tony was here. With you. 

Which meant he had protocols set up for this. He was still watching them. He wasn’t really gone. And there was no room for blame here. You were still managing them, too. Your eyes dropped, maybe with a sense of guilt. Right before you asked, “Can you get Sam on the phone, please.” Dejected. 

She connected the call within moments. Sam’s voice was nervous. “Uh- hi- if this is about-”

“That is what it’s about.” The both of you knew why you’d be calling in the middle of the day. Smart man that he was to not play games about it. “Just assure me you have it handled. -and that nothing important got stolen.” 

“I've got it, yeah. And no, nothing important.” 

Tony tipped his head to one side. “You get a read on the guy?” 

Sam scoffed. “Not even close.” And then quickly, realizing his mistake, he amended, “-but I will. You want a report on your desk or something?” 

The two of you looked at each other again. Tony waited. Again. Waited for you. It was hard. It was incredibly difficult, actually, to decide what you did. But. Maybe this was the first real step. “No, Sam. I trust you. Just do what you gotta do.” 

“Thanks. Means a lot.” He was quick getting off the call. 

Tony reached over, settling a hand on your knee. “I’m proud of you.” This was teasing, but only slightly. The rest of it was genuine. 

You found yourself shrugging. “Don’t be.” As far as baby steps were considered, this was barely even half of one. 

                                                             --- 

There were no coincidences in your lives. None. You’d come to that realization a long time ago. Come to grips with what that meant. When a new piece of information that seemed even marginally related to something else blipped in front of you… then yes. It was related. Always. 

It was why, just after Tony had served up dinner, and you were mid-sip into a glass of red wine, the TV turning on didn’t startle you as much as it should have. Neither did FRIDAY, once again, alerting you to something that probably should have been on your radar. “Thought you should see this.” 

WHiH was live on the scene somewhere in California- 

Scratch that. Not just somewhere. They were at Pym Technology’s headquarters. Or what used to, anyway. Because the building had apparently exploded. It was on fire. Right now. Right that second. You were watching it burn to the ground. Live. 

What a world. 

You sat back on the couch, tipping your glass a little. “I guess Darren Cross won’t be sneaking into any more of our parties.” It was easy to joke, but there was something very troublesome about this. 

Tony’s sudden murky mood only made you more aware that this might have been more trouble than you wanted to deal with. “They’ll blame it on some science experiment gone awry.” 

“Not convinced?” 

“Not remotely.” 

That was a fair assessment. It sounded like something either of you would do, if something exploded. Though… your lives were a bit more loudly extravagant in the way of explosions these days. You could probably just call it Avenger related and no one would care to blink an eye. So long as it was only your property that got damaged, anyway. 

You took a long sip of your drink, thinking, watching the flames on screen. After a moment, “Didn’t you tell me once your dad and Hank Pym didn’t get along?” 

This surprised Tony- so much that it startled a short laugh out of him. “Did I?” He turned to look at you, almost with that starry sort of loving appreciation. He sure as hell didn’t remember saying that to you, but you remembered. And that was enough for him. 

“Probably after you’d had one too many one night. After one of our business meetings.” The ones that almost always got you in trouble. Where he tried to get you into bed. And you refused. Hurt his ego. Then the two of you wouldn’t talk for a while. 

God it was so good to not be in that position anymore. 

His smile warmed. “It’s been a long time since one of those. Now we just have casual meetings.” Chuckling just a little bit more as he raised his glass, so you obliged him, clinking yours against it. After he drank, “I remember the night he came home from the spat. I was on loan from campus. Third doctorate, and getting more bored by the second. But dad had a saying about having so much money and no direction… anyway. Spring break. Almost didn’t go back that year.” It sounded like Tony remembered the moment pretty vividly, so much so that you suspected it wasn’t a very good memory. “SHIELD leaks painted the bigger picture. Dad tried to steal from him. Maybe the vitriol was deserved.” 

Steal. The both of you had the spark of recognition after he stopped talking. Your brow arched. “Wasn’t the Facility one of Stark Industries’ old units?” 

“...now I said he tried to steal from Pym. He wasn’t successful. Got caught red-handed. Not as clever as he thought.” Some well deserved snark entered here and you let it slide. 

You found yourself shaking your head a little. “And if Pym wanted to steal something back?” 

“After all this time? Can’t imagine anything there was worth the trouble. We cleaned house pretty good during the shift.” His brows knit as he sat back a little more, staring at the TV. “We don’t have any evidence.” 

That it was Hank Pym, Tony meant. And, sure. He was right. You had nothing. Sam would do whatever Sam was going to do about the breakin. You had promised to leave him alone. You and Tony were not involved. So… even if this was Hank Pym, somehow, for whatever reason… “I’m about to declare case closed on this one.” 

“But before you do?” Tony turned your way, a small lilt of his head. 

“I need you to agree with me that this wasn’t a coincidence.” 

There was a twitch of a brief grin, but it vanished as he sat forward, coming just close enough to press a kiss to your cheek. You let out a sigh, and your eyes closed. His voice was close when he spoke. “We’re well beyond coincidences.”

You had to let this go. Mostly because there was nothing you could do about it. It didn’t involve you. Not unless you involved yourself. ...and you weren’t going to. So that was that. 

                                                            ---

It was the following Friday that the universe continued to try and give you signs that this life was not meant for you. The seventh, five days after the last non-coincidental incident. Two that you’d ignored. Could you ignore a third? 

You had a very important meeting in a couple of hours and had your head down, trying to get through some emails and paperwork so that you could be there on time. But it mattered little. Your meeting found you first. Literally. Walked right through your door. 

JARVIS just seeming to melt through the door startled you for only a moment. He was dressed casually. Something you were still getting used to. Nice slacks and a black sweater despite it being sweltering outside. Maybe that didn’t matter to him. He opened his mouth to speak as he stood halfway into your office, and the door finally opened as if on delay. 

Pepper stuck her head in. “I’m sorry. He just came in- I didn’t even get a chance-” 

You held a hand up. “It’s alright, Pep.” 

JARVIS gave her a small careful smile. “I apologize, Ms. Potts. It is nice to see you, as always.” 

She very obviously made her best attempts to not stare or be awkward. “You, too…” Then quickly she scurried away, closing the door behind her. 

You settled your arms on your desk, looking up at him. Sinking feeling penetrating your heart. “Our lunch isn’t for another few hours.” Much as you were trying to find time for just you, or just you and Tony, whatever life that looked like- much as you were trying to steer clear of the new team of Avengers to let them get their bearings and do their own thing… JARVIS was special to you. You were having a hard time letting him go. Thankfully he didn’t seem to mind. Always acquiescing to texts, phone calls, and the occasional lunch or dinner invite. But this… “Something bad happened.” 

His smile wore thin before vanishing into thin air. “Is in the midst of happening.” Making a small correction. 

There would be no other reason for him to be early, or to be exuding such a tightly controlled sadness. He didn’t want to be here. Bothering you. Asking you what he was about to- what you assumed had to do with a mission. You gestured to the chair in front of your desk. “Sit. Let’s talk about it. What’s going on?” 

Moving in that fluid way of his, he almost seemed to float across the rest of the room, taking a seat. He put one leg up over the other, knitting his fingers together. “We are receiving early reports of Hydra activity in the eastern European region.” 

Realization smacked you broadside and you couldn’t help the shake of your head. “I warned them- I warned Damage Control-” 

“They did their best, I’m sure. However… Hydra has scavenged some of the leftover Ultron sentry parts.” 

Your hands went a little tight, balling into fists. Trying to keep your composure in front of JARVIS was asking for a lot, but try you did. As the heat of anger welled up inside of you. You had asked DC to do their best. To not let a single bolt out of any android be lost. This was why. “Okay.” You said this on a breath out as you tried to soothe yourself down from that red high. “When do you need Tony and I to come in?” 

Shifting forward, JARVIS surprised you, as he reached across the desk, laying his hand atop yours. Smoothing your knuckles out, stopping your nails from biting into your palm. “I am here, Ms. INY, for precisely the opposite reason.” His eyes watched yours as he said this very gently. “I know it won’t be long before you or Tony find this information out. I wanted to tell you first. And let you know that we will handle it.” 

He was absolutely right. You and Tony would find this out, like you kept finding everything else out. Because try as you might (or maybe it was the lack of trying…), this life was sewn into you. A part of you. There was no escaping it. All too right, that once you found out, you’d go back to the team. To be part of that mission. 

But… JARVIS didn’t want that for you, or for Tony. So he’d come ahead of the information leaking. Ahead of a possible phone call from Steve or Natasha asking for help… he’d come hoping to quell your fears. And it was almost like he was giving you permission to look the other way. To do the thing you’d said you were trying to do. Which was plainly just not that. 

It felt wrong. Terribly wrong. Guilt was easy and quick. “What if you need us?” 

A small appeared on his lips, and a warmth emerged in his eyes. You asking that question. Always a treasure. He gave your hand a small squeeze. “Ms. INY…” Exactly why it was as funny as it was charming, you supposed. “The team might suffer, from your lack of guidance. I hope Captain Rogers won’t mind my saying so.” 

You found a little smile of your own and a small shrug. “He won’t hear it from me.” 

“You have my gratitude.” JARVIS sat back finally, readjusting his position in the chair just a little. “But be that as it may, we will never grow in the way that I know you hope for, if you don’t let go.” 

The new team would never be a team if you intervened. And you would never have a life if you kept going back. You had to trust them, for both those reasons. Something strange bubbled up inside you and you caught a wet sheen misting your eyes for one reason or another. The words left you in a lurch. “It’s hard.” Almost childish in the way you were complaining.

But JARVIS softened all the more, head tipping just a little to the side. His inherent understanding soothed you. “It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, as you have spent so much of this phase of your life building upon this exact foundation. But please believe me when I say that no one judges you for wanting to have a life. And it is entirely okay to tune it out now. To have your time. You deserve it. And I want you to trust me when I say that we will go. We will survey. And we will stop them.” 

Hydra this time. Something else the next. And the next and the next and the next… 

Your smile was a little watery. He hit several nails all on the head. There was an insurmountable level of guilt here. You used to be a superhero, still were. Still took press and meetings and whatever else the Avengers needed, but you no longer wanted to be on the frontlines. That was selfish. But JARVIS was giving you the okay. As he had when you’d tried to leave only a few months ago. 

As he would keep doing, you imagined. So long as you needed him to. 

You didn’t know if you could really let go yet. Clearly you were having a problem. The universe kept telling you no. It made you uncertain. But there was one thing you did know. “I trust you.” 

His smile then filled you completely. “I’m glad.” 

                                                            ---

He couldn’t stay for lunch, which was awful. But he did leave you with a long hug. One that lasted as long as it needed to, but still somehow not long enough. Then he phased right out of your office window, deciding not to scare Pepper again. You waved goodbye to him. Watched him go. And then knew what you had to do next. 

Tony was in his private lab. Working. Working the same way you were. Doing little things. Touching up things you shouldn’t have been. Looking into things that you shouldn’t have been. 

When he caught you out of his peripheral, he looked up, colored lenses reflecting light in his eyes. “Here, look at this.” He took whatever he was working on off its holder- ...a watch, actually. It was a watch. “Hold out your wrist.” 

You did as he asked, and he hooked the band on. It moved to fit snug after he finished clasping it. The design was blocky. A large rectangular face. Not the most fashionable thing in the world- at least not by your standards. He had much better looking watches. “What’s it supposed to do?” Because if Tony was working on it, it did something other than being a watch. 

“Glad you asked.” The movement was familiar, as he double tapped it- much like your Heart Reactor. The watch went a little warm with a hum hitting the air. The rectangle face expanded even further on the sides, and Tony drew out the rest of the contraption with a quick zip of his fingers. It covered your hand completely. 

A mini gauntlet. All set up to blow a repulsor blast. Once the face on the watch had turned inside out, you saw the tiniest of tiny Arc Reactors. “I didn’t know you could make them that small.” Really impressed with that. 

“Neither did I. Until I did.” Grinning. Proud of himself as usual. 

Tony was in his labs. Still making weapons. When the two of you had promised you were mostly done with that. You didn’t make suits or anything like that, but you were still as guilty as he was. It was why you reached up with your non-gloved hand, laying it against his chest. “We’re going on vacation.” 

His brows lifted. “Oh. Where to?” 

“I don’t care. But we’re going. Okay?” 

The two of you needed to leave. It was clear this whole having a life thing wasn’t happening. Fault of the two of you. You just couldn’t stop. It was impossible. And the universe kept giving you reasons not to. It was a cocktail for disaster. So… you needed to go away. You needed to be away from all of this. Putting distance between you and the team, it wasn’t enough. 

Perhaps he knew better than to fight with you. Or he owed you for all the times he’d said that to you before- asked to whisk you away and you’d let him. Or maybe… maybe he understood. Understood that he’d been caught making an iron gauntlet. A weapon. For fights you weren’t supposed to be fighting. Maybe he hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it. Or what it meant. 

His arm curled around your waist, bringing you closer and his head dropped in a slow nod. “Yeah. Okay.” 

The two of you needed to go. So you’d go. 

in case you missed it: my 2020

so I’ve been gone for like...a year almost. I did log on time to time to respond to messages bc I didn’t want to ghost anyone. Some of you know what’s up, others dont so if you’re curious. 

THE BAD

2020 was a bad bad bad year personally. LIKE BAD. Shit with my family culminated in me and my bf almost being homeless because my mother was upset that sometimes I would make dinner for just my boyfriend and she would have to cook for herself/my father. SO just getting that out of the way right off. I wont be listing individual instances bc ew.

march 2020: fell, fractured my knee cap - I get a not so great doctor

mid march 2020: ontario goes into a state of emergency due to covid, every closes for a month. I can’t walk ( in a zimmer splint ) and everything is closed. Literally everything

june 2020: I’m walking without the cast now but ouchie. I have atrophied muscles in leg/knee, still can’t get in touch with a doctor. Since COVID numbers aren’t really going down and I’m in the ‘at risk category’ due to pre-existing conditions, I’m still on lockdown. My dog also underwent emergency surgery to remove a tumor growing on her abdomen. 

july-august 2020: finally get to see the doctor, told I need A LOT of physio. I’m not covered and not having worked, couldn’t afford the $1k it would cost. By this time I am also severely, severely depressed. I’m either not eating or binge eating, not sleeping, I spend most every day in a state of panic over everything. I do not/cannot start physio but I also cannot work a 8hr shift on this leg

august-october 2020: tbh this is kind of a blur. We got a vehicle finally. finally. see above re: my family is mental this was a big deal. My depression was easily at its worst. I’m not working, can’t do physio, scared of going back to work without it. I was a wreck. I was also getting tired of of being a wreck. I talk to some close friends on going on antidepressants.

thanksgiving 2020: I talk to my doctor and she says it sounds like I could benefit from antidepressants and I start a prescription. Jersey ( my little dog who had surgery in the spring) is sick with a minor infection. 

november 2020: it’s like a fog has lifted and I feel...human. For the first time in my whole life I feel normal. I’m on my full dosage now and my mood has stabilized. I can FUNCTION. I don’t panic about things as much, I’m calmer, I can ‘control’ my thoughts infinitely better and even on the bad days intrusive thoughts are gone or just barely there.

december 2020: we’re tackling my sleep now, still not working (sort of due to fear) jersey is sick. The week before Christmas I end up having to put Jersey down. She went in for constipation, but after having a battery of tests and x-rays done the vet discovered her lungs were filled with tumors. She’s 13 and another surgery would be extremely extremely expensive not to mention incredibly difficult for her, if she survived it her quality of life would be next to none. 

christmas 2020: my bf and I have to get tested for COVID because I’m sick. (we were both negative) 

---

I’m not back at work yet. Honestly, I’m kind of scared at this point because I’ve been gone so long. I’m really worried about going back but I think that’s normal. I have to rip the bandaid off eventually though. My goal is to be back working by the end of February (assuming I’m healthy) I’m a bit worried about having to pay taxes but my boyfriends already committed helping me pay back the CERB (government relief which was taxable...) I’d gotten. Sadly we couldn’t save as much of it as I had hoped. 

thanks to my medication I’m able to...do things. I stick to a routine, I go to sleep before 1am most nights (that’s a big change for me, believe me), my room is clean for the longest it’s been in my life. I’m showering, I’m taking care of my skin. These are all super insane massive deals to me. I’m mentally in such a better spot, I’m even considering getting a pet. For the last few years 6+  I haven’t even owned fish. I had the dogs but I wouldn’t let myself get anything for fear of not being able to look after it. 

Well now I’m looking into getting a crested gecko. I’m hoping I can make this happen relatively soon (as we’re going to be in lockdown until my birthday at least) but we’ll see. I’m in a better place now. My living arrangements haven’t changed sadly, but I’m handling it better. Once I’m working again I can start actively saving and hopefully within a  year or two at most, we can get out of here. 

2019, oh how you’ve destroyed me.

basically i’ve seen a ton of posts like this, especially by one of my best interweb pals (lookin at you, C @hey-im-pan ) and it’s inspired me to make one of my own! i journal a LOT but it’ll be interesting to try and sum everything up in little synopsis.

*side note: i struggle with anxiety, depression, insomnia, and ocd, so those and their effects may be mentioned. be cautious. This also doesn’t include a lot of the more personal instances, so don’t take it as an accurate representation of what it is like living with these issues*

January:

Honestly, not much happened. I went on a college visit trip with a few of my friends to my dream school, which was stressful but informative, and my anxiety attacks were far and in-between. Sleep schedule was wack (has been since 7th grade), but i was functioning. Dysphoria (i’m nonbinary, but hadn’t really even come out to myself then) was pretty high this month in particular for some reason, so i finally started trying to convince my mom to let me cut my hair off. (I had like 2.5 feet it was a mess)

February:

Finally came out to one of my close friends as pan, kinda accidentally but she was chill with it :) My grandma had a weeklong sickness that scared the shit out of me, but she got better for the time being. I was constantly pushing myself academically and physically at practice, but my grades were taking a bit of a nosedive because i didn’t have the capacity to deal with everything, but i bottled it up because i hate feeling weak. I continued to explore my sexuality, and started to research the gender spectrum.

March:

School and Crew (rowing sport) were the only things on my mind at all times. I started having more anxiety attacks again, and decided it was time to talk to my doctor about going back on meds after 3 years off them. IB was kicking my ass, but i’m so grateful for all of my teammates for giving me an escape on the water. Started to accept I was non-binary.

April:

A month full of good vibes i really needed. Got my drivers license on 4/20. I hiked my grades up with the help of extra credit, held a “wedding” in a Dillard’s try-on section, and spent a few days of spring break at the beach with two friends. I finally cut my hair off!! That feeling was literally incredible and i try to get a haircut every other month to actually keep up with it now. Saw endgame, died inside, and competed in an art show! I was doing really well, so I went off my meds again (don’t do that without a doctors permission like me).

May:

BAdddd time to be off meds, anxiety and depression were dropping my health and IB finals kicked my ass and the class i had been most excited about taking had become my worst at this point, but I got through the exams without missing any. Went to Jr. Prom though! We actually used going to Jr. Prom as a coverup to throw a surprise birthday party for my best friend. I still have no idea how she didn’t figure it out. I also started talking to one of my internet buds, Rosie. She’s helped me through so much she doesn’t even know about, and it such a beaut inside and out <3

June:

MADE IT TO PRIDE MONTH!! I finished my actual finals with minimal panic attacks, and join a Parkner discord! That was short lived, but from it was born… The What the Actual Fuck Fam, whom i love dearly. You guys still crack me up, and i know i’ll always have people to fall back on ( or help me commit murder.) Turned 17 and watched Monty Python (again.) Was forced into not one, but tWo bible camps, but also went to my first pride in my city! I have never felt so loved by so many people i don’t know :)

July:

Depression hit me HarD. I was constantly in a bad mood and taking it out on other people and myself, and I was losing even more sleep. Went back on meds for a bit. I got to see Far From Home, but pretty much isolated myself from anyone in my real life. July is always hard for me to get though for some reason. On a happier note, I started talking to @winterrs-child , who I now love dearly and @exbrodokills , which started out by exchanging memes but i think we can now call a friendship :D

August:

More depression, yayyyy, but Rosie and my irl friends helped me through it so much, even if they didn’t know it was happening. I finally came out to my parents and grandma as pan. They honestly took it pretty well, even if my grandma thinks it’s a ‘phase’. Also came out to C, B, and T as non-binary. Ya’ll were the first people I told after a YEAR omg <3 developed a huge celebrity crush on a cosplayer i won’t name even though they’ll never see this :’) Also fell back into the kiribaku pit after finally stabilizing my Parkner obsession. Also, joined a sapphic server which is basically a big gay support group :) (thanks to Rosie)

September:

Started my senior year of high school. So far, it’s pretty much been one big panic attack but i’m managing. I’m a mentor on the crew team this year and have adopted pretty much every underclassmen on the team. I love them all equally (except for my favorites) Cut my hair even shorter! I love it! Got back into writing poetry and short stories after an intense writer’s and reader’s block that lasted for almost a year. Went off my meds again (I should stop doing that, ik) Went to a Harry Potter fest, which was great, but started building up major anxiety for planning the rest of my life.

October:

SPOOP MONTH. October is my favorite month, so I was determined to make it good. Went on a couple more college tours, but also celebrated fall and halloween with my favorite people. Came reallllly close to stabbing my IB Bio teacher, but he’s survived, so far. Cosplayer mentioned earlier followed me on insta, cue gay panic. i also accidentally created a huge cuddle pile of 30 girls on my team in the captain’s backyard. It was as amazing as it sounds :0 Applied for 6 colleges

November:

CAVETOWN omg. I was also murdered with a bent hammer (don’t ask) and my mental health was pretty stable. I joined yet another server created by the cosplayer, and have made so many friends through it, plus gained a new dad figure :). Contemplated buying a binder on black friday, didn’t and deeply regret it (planing on getting one with the christmas money i get from my homophobic grandfather we pretend doesn’t exist) Discovered the goodness of Baby Yoda. Did pretty much no spanish homework. Solid 7/10

December:

Honestly, school wise december has been the most stressful month of this year so far, and the 2nd worst depressive episode. I’ve written 6 essays and done 5 projects this month and that was not a good time for the already low seratonin levels. i got waitlisted for the school i mentioned earlier, but was accepted into the other 5 :) I got to see an Of Monsters and Men concert, and I’m trying to push thorough til break, but my grandma has been getting sick more and more frequently over this year and now she’s been in a lot of pain for over two weeks and in and out of emergency care 6 times. Just hoping to make it to 2020 with everyone in tact and healthy :) I’m doing a secret santa with my friends im looking forward to. My friends have been amazing support through all of this mess, even if ii didn’t tell you about it, and i love you all!!

special mentions:

@donnaschaunamanon

@dawdlzdoodles

@harleykeenerprotectionsquad

@bumbblebeeeeee

@lykkesw

@chai-studying

@hey-im-pan

@pumpkinparkner

@everyone’s users i don’t know/remember

it’s time for ~a year in review~

JANUARY

ya bitch went to paris and became like good, like REALLY good friends with my current roommates!!! we got to see some really beautiful sights, do some STRANGE things like watch a french indie movie and get fucked up at a french gay party club in the basement of our hostel. i apparently shaved my head again (per the use lets be real)

FEBRUARY

accidentally started my Com capstone like a total moron but took it like a mf champ. got to party at a friends place and watch all of “dont hug me im scared”. made a friend try a grap for the first time (he was a sophomore in college). studied a lot with kelli -- and by studying i mean we mostly bullied each other. WENT TO SEE WATSKY with a super dope friend (sad we fell out of touch but she’s living her best life and im happy for her). also like got to meet george watsky uhm WHAT wild. bullied my college in the snow and also manically shoveled the walk. was a bootlicker for the college and dressed in a taco suit

MARCH

WOOF i got pretty fucked up for capstones cast party and this is where the beginning of the end was for some of my friendships. however, other friendships were being built so im grateful for that. ran lights for a really awesome slam poet. FOUND THE KEY THAT WAS MISSING FROM THE THEATRE (turns out it was Sab whoops). spent a lot of time with someone who is no longer a friend -- her choice, certainly not mine. went home for spring break and took so many pictures of my cat. got selected as stage manager for comedy of errors which was a nightmare of a production but certainly not the worst.

APRIL

became a vegetarian!!!! joined/started the flat earth cult because of comedy. helped randi film her weird videos, which was so much fun! the bat came back to the theatre and Basil and I both saw them. comedy of errors opened and it was intense and i really hated every second. ranted about being in a scene for directing, which means i’d been in it for a second. that shit sucked bros oh my god????? he was never on time, he was so disorganized and didn’t understand his own character. organized a dinner for the cast because they had missed a campus dinner for the show. celebrated my best friends birthday!!!! “I can read!” was on the news with two others for comedy. also presented my capstone research for academic showcase day (i still can’t believe people listened to me rant about birth order)

MAY

more videos! this one was zak bagel bites with again my best friends. was elected president for APO and i couldn’t be more grateful. did a research proposal with a friend and i cannot BELIEVE we’re still friends after it because we really could have killed each other. physically fought the MONSTER that is jess (didn’t actually, really should have). helped two friends fall in love on accident/purpose. was elected as KPY president (damn) and forcibly elected as parliamentarian for LPH. ended my junior year. started work immediately after going home for my dad. mostly answered phones, worked 7:30-5 every day for the whole summer yikes. managed to pass junior year with a 4.0!!!

JUNE

 learned a lil how to quote and did NOT enjoy it. went to PRIDE with my wife and bought my first ace flag. it was actually petrifying to buy and wear, but i have one now which is awesome. holy shit got my first tattoo!!! it has faded a bit now but still looked awesome. it was the beginning of an addiction. picked up an internship at my old theatre company and... deeply regretted it as it pushed my 12 hour days to almost 18 hours. literally fell in love with the music director. 

JULY

a random woman complimented me??? so that was fun. watched after my old band directors kids (they were a nightmare i literally never want kids). got to hike and do all that fun stuff. went to the local county fair

AUGUST

my mom admitted to loving brooke more than me on her birthday (fair). got a card from my office team to celebrate my 21st a lil early. went back for SENIOR YEAR BOYS. got drunk at an old friends place. did marching band. moved in with two of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. took improv with friends which was lit. we even did a whole performance. met a new friend! my other roommate brought in a new kitten (which became a whole thing holy shit). used school sanctioned ipads to dick around. shaved my head againnnn. was sober at a party (woof why). got the drunkest i have ever been and puked everywhere and passed out on the stairs. have not ever reached that level again. also cracked my phone. fully assumed position as president of two clubs. started rhetoric (yucky) and theatre and diversity (also ick but for different reasons)

SEPTEMBER

became NOT sober literally the next day nice. started the MASH group i think??? which is like the only thing im proud of. it was around here. had to pick up a friend whos car broke down. went to pride in a local town with friends!!! that was fun. turned 21!! couldn’t celebrate bc school and stage management, but my two roommates still made sure i had a good time. marching band boys! we did a LONG ASS parade with my cute lil section. did mixers for KPY and APO! had our first football game. held a band rehearsal in the dark because the lights didn’t work which was funny and SO weird. walked to the trains with some really awesome friends. broke into the cemetery and stole a traffic cone and put it on a statue on campus bc mania. went to a friends musical career takeoff and ran her merch table bc the person who was supposed to run it showed up almost an hour late. someone showed up at the lib while i was closing with a friend asking for a place to stay. i hope hes good now. tried omegle again for whatever reason. tried to go to a local diner and was DENIED bc they went from 24 hours to closing at 10pm so i had a mental breakdown in my car at 2am in a McDonalds parking lot. FINALLY got to celebrate my birthday and go to the bars!!! well bar singular. but had a really good time even if those people aren’t really my friends any more

OCTOBER

homecoming boysssss!!!! also ace pride. worked the WORST thing I have ever had to operate in the chapel but the people were nice about it so i was kinda okay. also got to be a part of the dopest percussion show and ran lights and sound for it. rhetoric ended thank christ and i never want to talk about anti-war messages in MASH ever again. finally learned that my best friend has a partner and was ECSTATIC. worked a haunted house which literally sucked so hard but we made bank on it so im okay with it. were robbed (i still have suspicions who did it but ill keep my mouth shut). dressed up as a newsie for halloween, and my roommates and i all took pictures which was awesome. started my internship and movement and stage

NOVEMBER

LAST FOOTBALL GAME got drunk too often probably lol. got an impulse tattoo with my roommates. went to a soccer game. went to the trains drunk and also olive garden. did trauma training so i got to act hysterical (act?). did some KPY bonding. had a hella long saturday with a concert and everything. shot my shot and MISSED. did greek thanksgiving. played DD for someones birthday bc expired license. got my NEW license. had a horrible time driving to and from thanksgiving break. got to hang with my WIFE

DECEMBER

made it home somehow?? did box office for the children’s show as well as publicity which was a lot of work tbh. went on a double date with my roommates and their partner. did the filming for the college christmas card. had an awesome party at our place and i regret nothing. celebrated the moving out of our 4th roommate. worked my last gig at the museum. managed to scrape by again with a 4.0. threw a great party at my place for like 5 days straight (jesus christ). did a horrible puzzle. tried an edible (suffered for it). hiked in the mountains a lil. caught up with high school friends by drinking which was AWESOME. saw Frozen 2. went out with my fam bam. had a great christmas. also threw a new years party (what??? that just got over) and felt like a pretty good hostess (i just provided alcohol lol but it worked) and got to catch up with some great great awesome friends and keep people safe and off the roads for new years. 

all in all a damn good year. its crazy how quickly things change, but im grateful for the place that i am in. can’t wait to graduate this year and see what happens next!!!

WHERE'S THE WEREWOLF ESSAY, OP??

@malaloba @bisexualducknewton You also dared me to say this so you get a tag

Okay so fun facts about Tyler Keegan Casey (I literally just wanted to make a joke about Tyler Casey abbreviating to Tyler K.C):

His parents, Edgar Casey and Rebecca Wilson, got married at 18. Their reasoning was "hey, we've been together all of high school, we still like each other, and I think our kids would be really hot." A bit of the shine wore off for Rebecca, though, when it turned out Edgar inherited a controlling streak from his parents. He got it in his head that his growth as a person required moving as far away from tiny little Casper, WV as he could. Which was fine, and would've been true if he’d put any actual EFFORT into growing up, except he made that decision without consulting his wife. Family was the most important thing in the world for her, which meant she didn't want to leave. Unfortunately, family was the most important thing in the world to her, and Edgar was technically her family.As far away as possible turned out to be Fortville, Indiana. At around 3000 people, it was certainly bigger than Casper, but much smaller than Edgar's ambitions. Unfortunately, they'd run out of gas, and got stuck in town long enough for Rebecca to work up her courage and deliver an ultimatum: they were eight hours from Casper, close enough to drive over, and she'd live no further away than that.Tyler was born a few years later and grew up the only "daughter" of the household, pretty in a generic way and polite to a fault. His homesick mama taught him that he'd know when he found his people on account of the decision to give up everything for them would only hurt a little. His pyramid-scheme chasing daddy taught him that the key to success is for people to think you're one of their people, and who gives a shit if it's true or not?Up until he was twenty he was a full-on social chameleon: he wore the closest thing he could get to the "right" clothes, he did his hair in the "right" way, he laughed at the right jokes and had a crush on all the right boys. Third runner up for prom queen, dated at least three members in the football team (the breakups were never his fault, of course. He'd take a relationship as far as the other person wanted, he only dated them because they wanted to date him after all), popular but not so popular for people to consider him a threat.Every holiday, Tyler and his mama went off to Casper to visit her family. That meant he ended up at the kids table with his two younger cousins Franc ( @keplersheetz) and Vicki. Franc and Vicki were practically sisters, Franc lived with Vicki's parents whenever her ma was off dealing with her host of mental issues, which meant that Tyler was kind of the third wheel.

Tyler ended up the responsible one, and town gossip went on about how they hoped he'd be a good influence, because wasn't he just a perfect little child? Gossip about Franc went on about how she was wild, about how she didn't follow rules, if she wasn't careful she'd end up just like her mother and didn't Vicki's parents worry about if she was a bad influence? No one gossiped about Vicki at all.

It created a weird circle of jealousy, where Tyler envied Franc for having the guts to be herself, Franc worried that Vicki would end up liking Tyler better than her, and Vicki wished somebody might talk about her instead of other people’s “influence” on her. In general, Tyler and Franc didn't get along on account of they were very different and had no interests in common, but when you spend months each year as an obligatory playmate you end up developing at least a little fondness.Tyler went to Indiana University Bloomington, close enough to home for both his parents and also in possession of a Bachelors program for early childhood education. He quickly acquired a job at the library, a reputation as "a pleasure to have in class," an overcommitment to several clubs, and a thoroughly mediocre boyfriend. He also ended up in two classes with and as a coworker to Monet, ( @pleasekalemenow). In sophomore year, the two were roommates and in three classes together, which was haha a funny coincidence. Then in Spring term Tyler had a stress breakdown and Monet was so thrown by composed, fake-ass Tyler losing his shit over something completely minor that she ended up sitting with him for four hours and now they're best friends.In the summer before Junior year he was like "hey wait a fucking second, if I'm completely changing my personality around other people so that they'll like me...do they actually like me?" and decided that fuck it, I'm going to just have my own personality and work my hardest to make it so people find that person likable. The most obvious shift - aside from him breaking up with his mediocre boyfriend and quitting half of his clubs - was coming out as, you know, a dude.

His parents didn't really...get it? His mom continues to this day to treat it as something she supports but just can't understand, and his dad kind of took it as a personal attack because his dad is a self-obsessed jackass. The rest of the family didn't really express an opinion on any of this, on account of Vicki had a baby and Franc ran away from home just a little while later. Compared to having a daughter under 18 and just straight up disappearing, being trans wasn't all that embarrassing to them.Things went pretty decent for half of Junior year. Then one day while he was watching a kindergarten class, the last kid to be picked up at the end of the day turned into an eldritch horror and ate the other student teacher. The FBI’s Paranormal Research and Investigation division showed up and was like "hey I'm pretty sure you can guess that we're going to tell you to keep this hush hush, so keep this fucking hush hush." Tyler went "wow you know I don't like being kept in the dark about all this," so he changed his major to criminal justice and worked his ass off to graduate at the same time as everyone else. Then he joined the FBI, and when they were interviewing him he dropped some line about "oh, I saw something once and the, uh, I think it was PRI? Said that it was top secret dangerous business. I'd like to solve murders like that :)" and the PRI kind of went "well...I guess? we can hire? Him? He did a god job on all of his exams...we have no reason not to."At around this time he played the love interest in Monet's breakout limited access TV show, Once Upon a Cryptid. This show eventually gained Dr. Horrible levels of cult-classic fame, and Tyler is eternally thankful that T has at this point changed his look enough that no one really recognizes him beyond people he talks to on case being like "haha isn't it funny that you look kind of like actor Tyler Casey and you're an FBI agent just like his character?" And he just says "haha yeah I get that a lot :)"The PRI was also like "hey can you keep an eye on this person who is causing trouble with conspiracy theory shit?" Tyler says "uh yeah, sure? Anything I should know?" And the PRI is like "well it's your cousin, but other than that, nah, glhf :)"Tyler found this situation Vaguely Uncomfortable, so instead of being actually good at his job he took this opportunity to leave reminders to eat and warnings to keep her head down when she overreached. They were all signed with "The FBI Agent That's Watching You Right Now" and wow isn't it fucked up that they're closer as anonymous FBI stalker and conspiracy theorist than they were as proper childhood playmates? It fucks me up sometimes.Five years before the game starts, he goes on an investigation into what may or may not be a supernatural murderer. While in the area he runs into August Caraway ( @transagentstern), who is. Super his type. He immediately starts finding excuses to spend time w/ the hot, sensitive, painter, asking August to be his guide around the area. And also if he could see that painting that August is working on because it sounds really :) great :). Eventually he comes to the conclusion that the long periods of time between attacks and the COD indicate either a werewolf attack or a very patient predator. He goes "well, it's the new moon tonight...so if I take August out on a da-I MEAN INVESTIGATION into that clearing in the woods it'll be safe."Spoilers! It isn't!They get attacked by a werewolf. Tyler says "well, I'm an FBI agent so I should be the one to sacrifice myself" and tries to shoot the werewolf. It quickly takes him to the ground, but hey! At least August has time to run! Except instead of running, August goes up to try and save Tyler. Which ends in them both getting bitten before the silver bracelets August always wears fend the thing off. August manages to drag Tyler to civilization before losing consciousness, and the two wake up in separate hospitals. August is told Tyler got sent to a special FBI hospital, but is fine. Tyler is told August got tired of waiting around for him to wake up and left. (More fun facts: this happened the day before Pigeon's birthday! Wow! Terrible)Tyler is kept under observation for the rest of the month, just to make sure he's fine. He is, of course, not fine. The PRI is super stoked to have access to someone who is fully willing to spend the rest of his month j chillin' and then come in on the full moons, on account of most of the werewolves they have access to are ones they caught and have to keep hold of all the time. Which, like, unlawfully contained civilians are a shitty baseline.So, despite having research in their name, the PRI kinda fucking sucks at research. Their methodology is to just try shit until they figure out 1. How to kill the monster and 2. How to spot the affliction/how it progresses. They are perfectly aware of how to kill werewolves, so really all they do is stage observations under different stress conditions to play “how to spot a werewolf”.

Every experiment is just put them in a cage with moonlight access, see whether the transformation is faster/slower when the person has a certain diet/fitness level/etc. Most of the subjects can’t leave bc they’d run away and are also liable to transform sometimes which is inconvenient.

The PRI isn't especially concerned about Tyler, because they know one of the conditions for a transformation is high stress and if there's one thing he's good at it's completely repressing an anxiety attack, so he's able to pretty much do his job aside from the whole "locked up under the full moon" thing. Of course, he's ostracized by his coworkers on account of he's like. Literally a monster. But that's fine! He has Monet! Who he never tells anything about all this because he doesn't want to worry her, and also because her brother (coincidentally August, though Tyler doesn't know that) died around the time of his attack and he doesn't want her to blame herself for never trying to come see him.Good things that happen in these 5 years: he has an amicable relationship with Franc. He gets good at his job. He and Monet discover that the uncanny coincidences which led to them always having classes together carry over into their adult life, and they constantly run into each other while performing their respective jobs. She sometimes invites him to parties to stop men from hitting on her, and because he looks vaguely like Jake Gyllenhaal (that's Tyler's face claim) they get to laugh about all the tabloid rumors that Monet is dating Jake.The bad news is Tyler never had access to the other werewolves prior to the attack (it wasn't his division, and he wasn't usually in a position to take anything alive) which means he's never been around to see a new one, to watch the arc of their deterioration. Usually it goes like this: they wake up, alone and naked in a room with only a bed, a desk, and an uncomfortable wooden chair. They are given clothing by an FBI agent, sometimes that agent is sympathetic, sometimes sneering, but usually expressionless. Each full moon they transform, and remember nothing of it save pain, hunger, and the feeling of their claws digging into the metal walls. Fear is a trigger for transformation, as is anger. They are always afraid, always angry. Eventually, it becomes rare to see them in their human forms.The PRI is fucking stupid. A reasonable person might say "duh, werewolves turn when they're scared, maybe if we put them someplace less scary they'll stop turning so much." Instead, they write in their notes, the notes Tyler receives, "we're fairly certain that, at some point, the humanity of a werewolf is completely lost." He only sees werewolves that have not been human in months, or even years. Or, he sees the ones who are even worse off.The worse news is that Tyler is told there's a cure. Sometimes, the PRI manages to poke and prod at a werewolf and for reasons we just don't understand they never transform again. So he doesn't argue with the tests, and even if he writes a will he doesn't tell Monet anything because he might be fine, and he doesn't want to worry her. He throws himself into his work and into making Monet happy, because he wants to make sure that if he is lost he leaves a legacy. There's something to prove that Tyler Casey's existence was justified.Then he finds out what the cure entails. It's not recovery, not at all; it's pushing someone so hard, making them so afraid, that their body can't take being afraid anymore. A person who’s too tired to feel doesn't shift, not even under the full moon, because the werewolf's state of mind is defined by the person's emotions before it happens (so if someone was actually CALM, really truly calm, then they'd manage to control it, but hunger and anger and fear can all throw that out of wack). If the person is numb, there is nothing for the curse to react to.Tyler Casey would rather die after trying his hardest than live longer but not be able to do anything. So, when he manages to find a job opening at The Askar Foundation, a secret society with more funding and more knowledge than the FBI could ever hope for, he has no qualms spilling the PRI's secrets in exchange for a position as a field agent.As you can probably guess, August, Monet, and Franc are all there as well. The circumstances of their recruitment were significantly less...consensual than his (Monet and Franc recently saw too much and got pressganged in, and after nearly killing Franc while transformed August got dragged in for Askar's own brand of tests). This leads to a veritable five layer dip of fucking drama:1. Franc and Tyler have a private conversation which leads to the revelation of several character secrets on both their parts. This ends when Tyler and Franc both insist that they saw different things during one of the scenes. Franc has always had the ability to tell when people lie to her, but she is also convinced she's right about their topic of conversation (which uh, she IS right, so). That means that, despite the fact that she can't feel him lying, he MUST be. She's convinced that he's had the supernatural ability to get around her own uncanny powers this whole time, and thus they engaged in a Comedy of Errors where instead of mistaken identities it’s Tyler saying things that further convince Franc he's trying to manipulate the entire team2. The Askar foundation would very much like to keep their shiny new field agent, and also Tyler still has connections to the FBI and him snitching to them would be.........inconvenient. So they're willing to put effort, within reason, into making sure he doesn't find out anything that might cause problems, like the fact that August is a kind of monster Tyler has a massive vendetta against. Or uh...anything else that might make him question them. This leads to3. Askar shutting down a conversation between him and Monet, leading to her concluding that talking about their past experiences with the supernatural OR the workings of Askar will never go well. (Exacerbated by the fact that Askar had already been trying to keep her from finding out shit about her brother) 4. Consequently, Monet will no longer talk to him about deep personal topics if they lead back to these things at ALL5. Franc ended up in a romantic entanglement w/ the monster of the week, who is a shapeshifter unwillingly being used to bring about...the apocalypse. He thinks the reason she doesn’t trust him is because she figured out he was a werewolf, and doesn’t trust him/is keeping an eye on him so she can put him down when he becomes dangerous. So he thinks she hates him bc he’s a shapeshifter that has no control over himself, but then she’s fine with...the OTHER shapeshifter that has no control over himself.6. August thinks Tyler hates werewolves because of the attack, and is afraid to enter a relationship with him because he wouldn't be able to keep his condition a secret7. Tyler refuses to let himself entertain notions of actually DATING August, because Tyler thinks he's going to die and doesn't want to hurt even MORE people when he goes8. Tyler and Monet platonically love each other so much and are also living together in Seinfeld's mansion that she stole the keys to, and Tyler is an idiot which means August thinks Tyler wants to date Monet (August's SISTER)So tl;dr, Tyler thinks that after Franc gained access to more Askar files she suddenly doesn't trust him (he assumes she knows he's a werewolf), he knows that Monet suddenly doesn't want to TALK to him and knows that if he discovers anything suspicious he thus cannot tell her, and he knows he......really, really, REALLY is starting to enjoy August's companyThis means that conversations oscillate between Tyler being professionally friendly with all his coworkers, Franc interpreting something random as a personal attack, Monet deeply wishing she could tell Tyler something, and then a completely stupid conversation where Tyler and August are flirting about something stupid and getting cockblocked by Tyler's hangups and August remembering that as far as he's concerned Tyler and Monet should get together.Oh and also Askar definitely is fucking with his head at least once a session.

AUgust 13 - Bad Horror Movie

Title: SAWTERLOO

Fandoms: Hyperdrive, SAW (but only the worst parts)

Content Warning: Canon-Typical Violence and Gore. Anti-ABBA Content. Violence. Blood. Character Death. Neil being a dick.

Listen. Listen.

Listen.

Sometimes, you fuck up.

Sometimes you fuck up really, really bad.

Sometimes you try to implant the love of your life's consciousness (TEMPORARILY!!!!) into a romcom with yourself as the charismatic adorable opposite lead, throwing in some other folks to be minor characters for giggles, and end up accidentally sending the lot of you into a SAW movie.

Listen.

It happens.

Everyone has bad days.

This was Neil's inner monologue as he surveyed the grimy, grimdark room they were in.

Well fuck.

He didn't even remember making this simulation. (Wait. No. He did actually. This was gonna be for Dick and his misfit toys.)

"Neeeeil~ sweetheart~ why, pray tell, am I, and also your ex, and also her current love, and also you, here, in this hellscape~?"

Oh fucking hell. Fuck fuck fuck.

How did he get out of this? How would he play this off as totally intentional without sounding like the worst person ever??

"You seemed like you needed a break…" okay good start, seem sympathetic and encouraging…

"And I thought, maybe, uh, you would enjoy a change in scenery."

Haha, smooth. Perfect.

Oh. Oh no. That face she was making wasn't great and now she was walking towards him and-

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?"

"No I would not!! What the hell?!" Oh good, Stella was figuring it out too. Why had he brought her? Oh, yeah, token fat friend. Sol of course was there because he'd admittedly feel kind of dickish if he didn't include the guy.

"What is this?"

Think of the devil.

"This is a SAW movie. Really Neil?? Fucking SAW?!"

"I-I mean, I just-"

"DICTATOR. FOR YEARS NOW YOU HAVE STRUNG ALONG THOSE WHO SERVE YOU, PROMISING GLORY AND DELIVERING DISAPPOINTMENT.

YOU SAY 'TAKE A CHANCE ON ME.'

WELL NOW YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MUST DECIDE. 'VOULEZ-VOUS' DICTATOR, WILL YOU WIN LIKE A 'SUPER TROUPER,' OR WILL THE 'WINNER TAKE IT ALL?'

YOU HAVE THREE HOURS.

THE KEY TO YOUR ESCAPE IS…IN THE HEART OF YOUR HEART."

They all stared at Neil.

"Okay so we're not even in a good SAW movie," Luna groaned, hand slapped over her face.

Suddenly, a disco ball dropped down and horrible, distorted versions of international sensation ABBA's greatest hits began to fill the room. Thankfully no one had some kind of seizure disorder.

At least that's what he thought until Sol clutched at his chest and fell to the ground, unmoving and unbreathing.

Stella shrieked, because of course that's what they needed, and knelt beside him. She began to sob, and Neil did have to admit he felt kind of bad about that.

"His species is extremely sensitive to sound and vibrations, especially in an echo chamber like this," Luna explained to him, face growing ever colder.

"H-he's not breathing, and his hearts ar-r-ren't…" Stella choked back a sob. Luna walked over and put her hand on Stella's shoulder.

"It's okay. This is all just a simulation. Neil's fucked up, but your boy's okay back home, sleeping off a headache, okay?" She soothed.

She glared up at Neil, whose day just couldn't seem to get any worse. Of course then he realized he couldn't just zap them out.

"We, uh, we have to actually go through this," he murmured sheepishly.

Luna sighed and shook her head. Now she didn't even look mad, just… disappointed. And somehow that was even worse.

"Of course we do. Thanks Neil. This is exactly what I needed today."

She shook her head and looked around the room.

"Okay, how do we get out?"

Neil wracked his brain, trying to remember.

"Um… okay I know how the last puzzle ends, but…" he looked around.

Jigsaw's voice helpfully cut through the static.

"YOUR CONSTANT PURSUIT OF WEALTH AND GLORY HAS BURNED MANY BRIDGES. NOW YOU MUST CAST THEM INTO THE FIRES. CAN YOU TAKE THE HEAT?"

"Oh! Does anyone see a lighter?"

Stella and Luna got up (Stella still sobbing quietly), and eventually located a little BIC lighter. Once it was in Luna's hands, a massive amount of money, all crisp green dollars, rained down into a neat (if huge) pile.

"Let me guess. We light it up. Very original."

"Look. At the cash I mean."

Luna pulled a bill up, and the disco lights illuminated-

"Dick? On the money? Oh Neil, I have to say, it's actually cleverer than I expected," she cackled, and gleefully began ripping the cash up. Then she got one to light up and tossed it into the pile.

Admittedly that was kind of sexy.

Once it had sufficiently burned enough, a little bell chimed and a wall opened. Neil shuffled them all to the next room, and tried not to wince as Stella glanced back at the dead (virtual) body of her love.

Once they were inside the next room, a plush, psychedelic looking affair, the wall closed up and the disco ball and horrible music came back. Now it was "Dancing Queen."

"YOU HAVE DONE THE DANCE OF DEATH MANY TIMES, BUT NEVER APPRECIATED THE LIFE YOU WERE LIVING. NOW YOU MUST DANCE WITH DEATH AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME YOU'LL TRULY FEEL ITS STING."

A platform raised up with a silver dish atop it. It was steaming.

Neil groaned.

"Someone has to dance. Wearing red-hot shoes."

Luna's previous giggles stopped.

"What."

"I had just finished reading a stupid folklore anthology, okay?"

"What? Why on earth-"

"I'll do it."

They both turned to Stella, still silently crying.

"What?? No, Stella, sweetie, you don't have to. This prick-"

"Is the only one that knows the rest of the puzzles. I'll do it. It'll get me out of here."

She approached the dish and carefully lifted the handle. There were indeed sizzling sandals beneath. She gulped and stripped her shirt, using it to take the shoes down and slipping her feet, in socks, into the burning footware.

She began stepping gingerly, tears increasing, and Luna began pulling Neil towards the next wall. The wall opened up quickly, luckily.

It didn't help, though. The socks were burned through quickly, and though she tried to silence her pain, Stella couldn't help breaking into loud, nearly shrieking sobs.

Neil might have programmed this too realistic. He might never forget the smell.

As they walked through, he saw Stella slip her feet - or what was left of them, out of the shoes and she curled up on the plush floor, crying even more. Luna tugged his arm and pulled him through. Stella would be okay.

Hopefully.

After that, they had an inventive little game of running through war-torn trenches to the chipper tune of "Fernando," and Neil nearly got his ears taken off twice.

Luna was polite enough not to openly laugh at his very manly shrieks of terror, seeing as how she was slim and agile enough this was a breeze.

She did yammer about historical inaccuracies and the fact that "Fernando" was absolutely not about this war and blah, blah, blah. Honestly, had he not been trying to survive with all of his body intact, Neil would have been extremely interested.

The war melted, once they reached the end of the trenches, into another, more normal room. This one was easy enough, they had to throw shatter a box of 70's disco vinyls. They were all ones Neil had heard on repeat thousands of times, so this room felt cathartic.

Obviously its intended participant would have been in agony at destroying his most precious collection, but this one seemed to please Luna, too.

Luckily, the next room was the last one. It was a small coffee house.

Ah yes, it was time for the finale.

"What do we have to do?" Luna asked, glaring at him.

"W-well, um, this is SAW, and nothing has really been too gory yet so, um, I decided to, uh, make this the hardest one."

"What. Do. We. Have. To. Do?"

The lights dimmed, and Jigsaw's voice echoed back in softly.

"YOUR KEY OUT IS IN THE HEART OF YOUR HEART."

A man stepped out onto a small stage and Luna's jaw dropped.

"No."

"I thought it was a good idea at the time-"

"No. You fucking maniac."

"I'm sorry, okay??”

"No. I'm not fucking doing this."

The man began to sing, and Neil groaned.

He really didn't want to do it either.

But here he was.

He was going to have to rip out Bjorn Ulvaeus's heart out and get a key out of it. Literally a key. In the heart.

He sighed, looking around. Did he put any weapons in here?

No. Of course not. There was silverware. There was the guitar Bjorn was playing.

Fuck.

Luna simply looked at him expectantly.

Double fuck.

He rolled up his sleeves.

Forty minutes and a lot of unnecessary screaming and unfortunate sensations later, he had the key.

He offered it to Luna, and she sneered.

"Absolutely fucking not."

He sighed, defeated, more red than blue.

He unlocked the fucking door. They escaped.

He deleted the file.

Then he thought better of it and just sent it to Dick instead with about a hundred trojan horses.

Fuck.

Listen.

Listen.

Everyone fucks up.

People spring back.

He'd do better.

He sent Stella and Sol some gift cards and half-hoped they would just think it was all a dream.

In the meantime, maybe he'd work on some new simulations….

on ‘BE’ing here: part i

rambling of sorts on Grammy nominated artist Bangtan Sonyeondan

(note 1: I was planning to complete this the day of the nomination, but judging from the state of how things are - this right here is the opportune moment to, as my friend Mint had put it, clear out whatever I’ve been wanting to do but didn’t get the time to)

When Spotify announced, loud and clear, on that 2020 Year-End summary instagram story, Dynamite was the song that helped me through 2020 (this fuck-up of a year), that wasn’t an understatement.

I’ve seen Bangtan before, heard of them in passing, even (slightly, really slightly - when you’re hanging out in film-dom or western doms, I doubt you’d come in contact with a full-fledged Korean dom as it is, or perhaps my circles were small and quite closed in on themselves. Regardless!) - and opened that Boy With Luv SNL performance for my parents on the TV in the living room, not long after they went on the show. But it took that one song, one full English song, for me to listen.

(sorry and thank you Namjoon for that diss. Yes, the song’s message’s definitely digestible and easy to consume - for foreign, western audiences. No one much had to care what you guys had to say way back when and they were wrong for it.)

Dynamite pretty much saved my life. (Still waiting for that damn vinyl, BigHit. Think I’ll get it come new year’s.) 

The first time I started listening, I couldn’t really stop. I think I played and replayed and replayed the song 20++ times as I did mundane household chores which were asked of me in the morning. Sunday August 24th, my life was transformed (and my digital and physical wallets along with it. Sobs.)

I had no idea who was singing which part, no idea which boy was which, but what got me in, locked and loaded and in place, were the beats, the uplifting sounds that got me dancing again after a messy heartbreak caused by a personification of immaturity who had refused to let go. I was only one week into my new job (old job again now. Such is the way of life - and we lead separate ones now, no reason to cry over invisible lives and imagined smiles or smirks of satisfactions I am not in any current position privy to - or will ever be. Thank God.) 

Then there were the messages - the lyrics - “I’m diamond, you know I glow up.” - I mean, Yes, Fucking YES - Kim Seokjin, of course I’m a piece of precious Jewel. Of course I am one and whole of myself and one of a kind (apologies for being cliches, felt good to type out loud right). Asked on Twitter who the “other black-haired” guy was and learned that it was Hobi. Spent time watching a couple of interviews, took 3 hours to tell the boys apart (”You had a lot of free time,” Shareef said, amused, and I quite abashedly admitted to him yes.), and picked him as my bias (little did I know).

I was attracted (still am) to sunshine. I needed smiles and laughters like his in my life. He stood out to me in almost every interview, beaming with his heart-shaped lips and his eternal catchphrase - “I’m your hope.” I was exactly at that point in my life when I needed to hear that. From him, in that voice, from those lips, with those eyes.

And I thought, dear god. I’m always attracted to guys who bring smiles to my face. Of course it has to be him.

(Natalie replied “You’ve joined the party!” in a reply to my screencap of Taehyung wearing those adorable black-rimmed glasses on Stephen Colbert not long after. 

That Beatles-Boy With Luv performance remains one of my favorites.)

Bangtan has since performed and performed and performed Dynamite, and to this day I and the rest of the fandom have witnessed and seen about 30++ performances of Dynamite, and it has yet to grow old on us. (Well.) I swear I can still play the song at least once a day, and that irresistible bubble of hope in Jungkook’s voice in the opening simply shines through. The rest of the song just does its magic - every single time.

I mean, “Life is sweet as honey,” “I’m in the stars tonight,”? Talk about hope, about confidence, looking forward. Straight and simple as that. I had yet to discover what BTS truly has in store.

Note 2: My favorite dance move in the performance itself is Hoseok’s, for the Japanese taping (FNS Music Festival) right here. 

After Dynamite, I burned through the usual favorites, seeing as there was a literal treasure trove of Bangtan songs to discover and listen to, thanks also to this chart.

Go Go and Pied Piper are fun teases to listen to every now and then. Their Halloween dance practice and MNet countdown (I could die over Tae’s clear-rimmed glasses) are bundles of colorful energy. (Until I came across Lotte 2018 Jungkook?! Adding Best of Me here because it’s become a recent favorite. Dance moves are impeccable. There was a stint in my life where I was watching the Airplane Pt. 2 MV almost every day because of how in love I was over Taehyung’s whole look - pink hair, flowing robes, and how the boys pull off their outfits. )

I proceeded mainly through the orange branch, bought myself a few Love Yourself albums along the way, and the day I saw this Min Yoongi in In the Soop, my Bangtan life took a turn.

Yep. Simplicity.

What’s not to fall in love with?

One of my current, low-ranking regrets may include having forgotten the exact moment I first listened to Trivia: 轉 Seesaw, but I fell hard and deep. To that point of no return when I read the lyrics and that analogy Yoongi had penned.

I mean, add Autumn Leaves (the complexity of layered notes, beats, and resulting emotions... ah) and you’ve got this king of breakup songs right here.

What beautiful words, what gorgeous language. I wish I could learn Korean just to fully appreciate the message.

Another friend recommended me Butterfly and I lost my shit realizing they referenced Murakami.

More obscure songs like 134340, Paradise and Sea I didn’t get to till much later. Whalien 52 could make me cry just with the lyrics alone (I doubt my exes had ever felt that level of emotional toward me - the more tragic thing is that the doubt would always exist). Just One Day was that track I had on loop this one afternoon I had to go into town for a dinner party, and Miss Right was an accidental discovery that had me grinning and blushing to the boys’ voices alone, same as 21st Century Girl (’Cause you’re my only girl, oh yea. If you love me, just say it straight. We love a confident but committed guy.) 

*Dope is that one MV I waited to watch because of my love of uniforms and managed to get to on a day I could not recall.

*This MIC Drop MAMA performance is the hottest clothes-on, turn on performance I’ve ever watched.

Coffee was the track I first listened to on a drive back from a rather unsuccessful and uneventful beach (bitch?!) trip, and the bitter nostalgia cut me deep. Jungkook’s voice could string up my soul any day of the week. Yes, baby, I still drink Caramel Macchiato every time I think of you - the song, not the person, or any person at all.

I discovered HOME because of this comfy Kimmel performance and died over the camaraderie and obvious ties they have as a family.

Plus a blue-themed home, uh, have you seen my bedroom, sir?

Boy With Luv will cheer me up any time of day - no thoughts but blue haired Tae and bubblegum pink haired #Jimim, indeed. (That mirroring of a glow-up from the 상 남자 of Boy In Luv is genius. Girl, ‘m not begging for you no more, but letting you know that I’m whole and ready and intent on keeping you safe.)

Spring Day I listened to on an off day in October and wrenched my own heart over the lyrics, even starting off a chapter in one of my fics with the verses that hit me most in particular.

The ON:E concert re-introduced me properly to Filter, My Time (sexy personified as a performance), Persona, Interlude: Shadow, Ego, UGH!, Moon (Prince Kim Seokjin - you have my heart, and my light, always), and 00:00 (picked up through Twitter that it was the song for personal therapy and reminded me of that quote - nothing good ever happens between midnight and 2am, go to sleep. Add 2!3!, which I’d properly listened to after viewing the ON:E exhibit, to this and we are done.) 

It wasn’t until I listened to Blood, Sweat, and Tears that I went full-blown head over heels (more than I was before). I’m a musical theater kid, have always been at heart, and those boys dancing in the suits and literature and arts references. You could have just plunged that knife a bit deeper into my heart.

Needless to say that I bought Demian couple of days after (my 3rd Herman Hesse! Regrettably not my favorite.) 

Blood, Sweat and Tears joins my own mini self-compilation of songs on the attraction and sublime relishing of a toxic relationship. That sweet temptation that’s so lush in theory yet acidic in real life.

You’re willing to give it all to this person, this passion, this love, this lure of attraction, imprisonment, and just lose yourself.

You’re begging to be hurt, even when you know it.

You’re asking to stay bathed in acid, drown yourself in punishment, and you’re okay. As long as the “you” in the lyrics is ok - to have you.

You’ve signed over your mind, your body and soul - “I know well they’re all yours” - what sinful admittance, what a delicious way to say you’re under the other’s spell. Not like I haven’t been there before (fitting to think of Jimin holding that apple. God.)

“Peaches and Cream/Sweeter than Sweet/Chocolate Cheeks and Chocolate Wings” - talk about dessert, about diabetic, diabolical sweetness that both indulge and burn your soul. These are saccharine metaphors and goddamn if I wasn’t and am all over them. 

Sweet as they are, they melt - they expire, they’re tangible but transient, and you’ve chosen to have them anyway, just to taste them, just to know, to satisfy your sense and just to possess.

“There is a ‘bitter’ next to your ‘sweet’“ - this is my kind of writing. My kind of getting your sweet now and being punished for it later, the kind my friend had commented before of living for today and choosing to forgo the punishments of tomorrow that you’re all too aware of.

And here comes Hoseok! 

Kiss me, it's okay if it hurts Just make it as tight As that I can't feel the pain anymore

Goddamn. That Blade Runner 2049 phrase about how pain makes you human - this is next level of hurting just so you could feel. This is hurting to know that it’s real - that the ‘you’ exists - and this “tightness”, this tense sensation, is only reminding you that the lover(?) is worth the pain (grit your teeth and continue!)

Baby, it's okay if I get drunk I'll drink you in deep now Deep into my throat The whiskey that is you

Intoxication - another one of my favorite topics sprouting a platitude of interpretations. Aside from being a sucker (and loving it myself) of saying “baby,” (signaling intimacy, no less) - this is an artful, eloquent way to sketch another version of “love is the/a drug,” which the lover/”you” is consciously consuming with consent.

There’s a repeat in the “d’s” that definitely conjures an imagery of diving deeper and deeper into a bottomless abyss, or of drinking your bottles dry - but this is a translation so that’s that.

But where we have been (or were) in love, we could feel the other person intoxicating, consuming us, consuming our senses, straying our conscience, blurring the lines among reality, reasoning and our own thoughts and what they may have driven us to think or view, just like alcohol or drugs would lead you to do. That inebriated state would be just a self-enriching cycle of docile submission and self-driven continuance.

It doesn't matter if it hurts Tie me up so I can't escape Hold me tight and shake me up So that I can't come to my senses

Like Jimin with the cloth over his eyes in the MV, this is another conscious decision to be held imprisoned, bounded, senses so disrupted you’re choosing to stay. I don’t know about you, but there’s an inkling of weakness in me when I’d chosen to do that, to opt for that choice and stay in something I was fully aware from experience wasn’t going to last (’can’t come to my senses’) but choosing to blind myself to indulge in the fleeting sweetness anyway.

When you’re making that firm and persistent decision to beg for pain and consciously choosing to numb your senses so you could feel nothing else but what you may have thought you desire to feel - you’ve got it bad, baby. That absinth’s hit you hard.

(And we love it.)

Kiss me on the lips A secret just between the two of us Deeply poisoned by the jail of you I cannot worship anyone but you and I knew The grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway 

Yoongi’s “Kiss me”, like his “불타오르네” (and obviously “용서해줄게“)  in Fire may as well linger in my ears as my personal on-demand whisper sounds. His voice is that sexy as fuck ASMR I never knew I needed (and queue Ben Whishaw’s...) 

Here we see “poisoned” harking back to intoxication, and “jail of you,” calling back to the whole verse I’d interpreted above before. What interested me here was the couplet - “Kiss me on the lips/a secret just between the two of us” - kissing as an act of sealing a deal or secret reminds me of age old love songs, of promises made between lovers before they part. Not to mention, this is that sexy, 섹시한  way of “sealing the deal” you may have heard about. 

“I cannot worship anyone but you...” holds the lover up high, almost godlike, maybe on a pedestal. It’s that everest, that peak point when you’re more than head over heels in love, when you’re able to see no one but this person. “Worship” is that word signaling holy, direct, and submissive devotion - just powerful. 

“...and I knew/The grail was poisoned but I drank it anyway” - again the voice of submission in line with above verses, submitting yourself to temptation, same as biting into that apple despite knowing consequences. “Grail” embodies the whole MV image of the classics.

Close my eyes with your caress I can't resist it anyway I can't even escape anymore

You are too sweet, too sweet Because you are too sweet

“Close my eyes” is the same as asking to be blinded (see above). Adding “with your caress” only enhances the intensity of the speaker’s desire, of the intimate and physical nature - you know full well what that person does to you, your heart, conscience, and senses with just one simple touch or the trace of a finger on your skin - especially someone as addicted to skinship as I am. The repetition “You are too sweet...”  brings us back full circle to Namjoon’s dessert verses, intoxication, indulgence, and submission.

What a delicious song. I fall in love every time I listen.

Second song in my trilogy is Love Maze - an intoxication of a different, lighter flavor yet still an an intoxication nevertheless.

Trapped in a maze of decisions Exhausted by all the different chaos We’ve wandered around, looking for the answer Lost in the maze, in the darkness

Jimin’s first verse traverses over the trials and tribulations of every day life - naturally we’re caught in decision-making from the moment we open our eyes (ah, sigh. my major. what the hell), and that, in extreme cases, can escalate to choice paralysis). Life is a mess, to say simply. At times you can feel (and you are) lost in some sort of maze which seems impossible to escape from. 

[Verse 2: Jungkook] We ran and ran endlessly But all the fake noise Can’t tear us apart It’s true baby [Refrain: Jimin, Jin] We must believe only in ourselves Can’t let go of each other’s hands We need to be together forever

And now this is just asking your partner to hold your hand throughout the darkness, holding hands while the walls come tumbling down type of way.

[Verse 3: RM] People say That I’ll end up a fool But I don’t wanna use my head I don’t wanna calculate Love ain’t a business Rather like a fitness I’ve never been in a calculating love I know it’ll be cold like winter But I still wanna try

Yup, sure. Love isn’t logical, and we feel it when we feel it. This is a more considered version of love or succumbing to temptation/infatuation, compared to Blood, Sweat, and Tears, see here:

If you push me, I’ll fall, just raise me up again Even if I pull, you don’t have to come

Upon a close look, this is the more confident, the more ‘out-there’ you - like a rocking doll, a full human ready to get back up on its own once fallen, not a blind follower or submissive slave. What I find particularly captivating is the bottom verse - “Even if I pull, you don’t have to come” - this is a show and declaration of independence at its finest. I’ll woo you, I’ll say I want you, and I’ll grab you toward me, but you “don’t have to” be with me, [if you don’t want to.] (Plays I’m Fine)

No matter what others say, don’t listen Just let’em talk, whatever they say The more they do, the more I’m sure

Honestly this reminded me of a past relationship, where figurative hand-holding was the emphasized union to help us make it through. Would have been half the fight if it was that aspect alone, though.

Baby just don’t give a damn

This is the sentence I sing to every single time I play this aloud. The sentence.

I always think, even if eternity is hard I wanna try it, let’s be forever

My ex once asked, “How long is forever?” just ripping off that sign in a mall we walked past, and yes, that’s what I do remember about us. Part of it. Since then, mentions of eternity like this has always hit me.

And forever doesn’t exist, guys. COVID does.

(Bad joke, sorry.) 

The song that completes the trilogy is one I discovered only last week. My last BTS x Steve Aoki crossover: Waste It On Me. 

Queue neon club lights and bad decision drinks. Kook being Kook, his voice in songs like these, House of Cards, and Savage Love slices you right through, like a young, impressionable boy asking you to give this love a try, to forget yourself in being attracted to him, and to waste the time you aware you’re willing to waste on him:

[Verse 1: Jungkook] You say love is messed up You say that it don't work But, you don't wanna try, no, no (You don't wanna try, no, no) And baby, I'm no stranger To heartbreak and the pain of Always being let go (Always being let go)

This verse, man. When your heart’s rusty and battered and beaten and broken enough, “Baby, I’m no stranger/to heartbreak and the pain of always being let go,” is that overwhelming elixir to slosh it altogether, like soaking your lone damn heart in warm bathwater, and with Jungkook’s inviting voice, you may have added your favorite flavor of Lush bathbomb.

[Pre-Chorus: Jungkook, RM & Jimin] And I know there's no making this right, this right (This right) And I know there's no changing your mind, your mind (Your mind) But we both found each other tonight, tonight (Oh yeah) So if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time

It’s that exact moment when it’s the night of your birthday, you’re all dressed up with only one place to go in a town where you knew a handful of people, and the guy at the bar had bought you a shot of mysterious substance to drink. So you’re here. So he’s here. And the drink’s here, between you two, and you’ve downed it in. And you’re here.

So why not?

‘Waste it on me’ is a sexy invitation in itself, that momentarily grasp for pleasure. Ok, yea. I’m all yours. 

Tonight.

[Verse 2: RM] So we don't gotta go there Past lovers and warfare It's just you and me now (Yeah, yeah) I don't know your secrets But I'll pick up the pieces Pull you close to me now (Yeah, yeah)

Namjoon’s voice has always been sexy to me. Masculine, dominating, in control, in the same way that Yoongi’s raspy, gravelly voice grabs you and stubbornly holds you close. 

Maybe this guy you’d just met in a club’s blabbering away to pierce who you may have been or who you’re presenting yourself to be just for you to be with him, and takes ahold of your waist before you could say no.

What do you say?

Yay, don't you think there must be a reason? Yeah, like we had our names Don't you think we got another season That come after spring? I wanna be your summer I wanna be your wave Treat me like a comma I'll take you to a new phrase Yeah, come just eat me and throw me away If I'm not your taste, babe, waste Waste it on me

I’m speechless over the “Treat me like a comma, I’ll take you to a new phrase,” wordplay. Most of all, it illustrated my past relationship in that all too on-the-nose way, for me and him both. English is sexy, man, please don’t ever say it isn’t.

“Yeah, come just eat me and throw me away/If I’m not your taste, babe.” I’m partial to babe as much as baby, let’s be real. Haha. The whole “come just eat me” paints that picture of the speaker being “consumed,” just devoured whole (echoing the earlier image of being “washed over” from “I wanna be your wave”) by the to-be-lover, without a care, a giving-himself-away submission reminiscent of Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ intoxication and blind bondage. The speaker here doesn’t even care if he’s not tailored to the ‘lover’s’ desire, ready to be discarded, treating himself here as disposable, even worse than Love Maze’s partnered hopefulness and teamwork or Blood, Sweat and Tears’ irresistible, spellbound attraction.

Aaand there you have it, my ramblings on Bangtan (as of now). There’s just so, so much - I’ve recently received my HYYH Pt.1 (RIMBAUD! SEXY CONVERSE!!! BOYZ with FUN!) and YNWA albums, not to mention my rap line songs, vocal line, In the Soop, Performance details, Run BTS (source of joy and laughter, more than any man has ever affected me), Premiums, and the whole “Love Yourself” concept + B.E. Itself.

I’ll be sure to pop back in very, very soon!

x

My august playlist is finished and I would like to extend my sincerest apologies for writing 3000 words about it. It’s mostly for my own amusement so please feel free to scroll right past this. There’s a lot in here, from Grateful Dead covers to Sunn 0))) and everything in between so please enjoy.

The New Stone Age - Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark: This is the perfect album opener because almost every other song on this album is Orchestral Maneouvers In The Dark’s normal fare of great downbeat synthpop but this song is like a nightmare come to life and it really sets the rest of the album in a different light. The otherreason I love this song is that ‘oh my god what have I done this time’ is a constant thought so it’s nice to sing along to. Buffalo Stance (12" Version) - Neneh Cherry: This song is an absolute masterpiece, the production is amazing, the synth riff is magic and this extended version is even better than the original because it has a lot more 80s scratching and also a bit in the middle where she says 'WOT IS 'E LIKE??’ Wakin On A Pretty Day - Kurt Vile: This is a great example of why Kurt Vile is good because this song goes for 9 minutes and you don’t even notice. It just keeps cruising on and on and you don’t mind a bit Turn Out The Stars - The Danish Radio Jazz Orchestra & Jim McNeely: This is another ABC Jazz find, its a very beautiful piece of music but what I like most is the ending where it stretches out a long long note into a big mysterious chord for no discernable reason. Downtown - Destroyer: I have yet to look up a picture of what Destroyer looks like but I from his music I imagine him to be a sort of mineral deficient vampire type of man who has just been wandering around New York for a hundred years. I had a big moment with this album this month, it’s really just perfect start to finish. Wow I just looked up a picture of him and I’m not far off. Song For America - Destroyer: I caught myself singing the part of this song where it goes 'winter spring summer and fall, animals crawl, towards death’s embrace’ while I was walking around town a couple of weeks ago which was good. Hoping For - Bad//Dreems: Bad//Dreems are maybe the best Australian band around right now. This is the first song I ever heard from them a couple of years ago and I listened to it probably 20 times in a row while I rode my bike around the school I used to live next too one afternoon until a cleaning guy yelled at me. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake: My girlfriend called me a '20/20 Experience apologist’ once and I’ve never gotten over it. It’s a good album! And Mirrors is the best song on it! It does the classic Timberlake/Timbaland thing of finishing up a perfectly servicable pop song after 4ish minutes and then starting up on some bullshit for another 4 and I love it the whole time. Speaking In Tongues - Eagles Of Death Metal: The guitar sound in this sounds like someone in honking the horn of their car in the studio. Eagles Of Death Metal are a wildly patchy band but their first album is a classic front to back and this song especially is a standout. Pain - The War On Drugs: I cannot get over how straight up beautiful this album is. I’ve listened to it more than anything else this month and I think every time I have a new favourite song. It turns out I love this one a lot though because as I was putting together this post I realised it was on here twice. Simulation - Tkay Maidza: This album was kind of unfocused and I really hope Tkay figures it out for her next album because when she’s on she absolutely kills it and this song is a great example of that. Countdown - Beyonce: I’m not a huge Beyonce fan (don’t @ me) but Countdown is easily her best song (don’t @ me). It’s just so dense and agile and busy in every aspect it’s absolutely hypercolour. New Dorp, New York (feat. Ezra Koenig) - SBTRKT: This is still such a flooring song, it doesn’t sound like anything else and it’s so left-field while still being incredibly cool the while time. Also about a year after this song came out I found out that New Dorp is a real place in New York further confirming my theory that America is a cartoon. Three Mantras Of Bon - Phurpa: Sorry, sorry, I’m trying to remove it. I accidentally had a big moment with a few different drone things this month and I fell asleep listening to Phurpa for about a week which I don’t recommend because it is literally just Russian men groaning at you fifteen minutes at a time and it feels like death has come to take your bones away. This song is good because they stop groaning halfway in and start making interminable vuvuzela noises instead. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) - Arcade Fire: When @grumsal came to visit us this month he was quite drunk one night and explaining to me that Neon Bible is Arcade Fire’s most underrated album and Sprawl II is their best song, opinions that I’m quickly warming to. Boys - Britney Spears: This song made me burst out laughing while I was alone because the bass in it sounds so funny. It’s like a straight up standard MIDI bass sound in this professional pop song and it sounds so, so dumb. This song alse features in the Beyonce film, Austin Powers: Goldmember so that’s how you know it’s good. Notwo - Autechre: I wish Autechre has more straight up ambient songs like this because they’re very very good at it. This and Outh9X which comes after it make a good pair because Quaristice is almost exhausting by the time you get to the end of it so it’s nice to have 15 minutes of wind-down that you can still get into like this. Hundred Syllable Mantra - Phurpa: Sorry, sorry, they are back and they have more groaning to do. I got deeply into this song this month and even now listening back to it I just want to lay on the floor and fucking die because of it. That’s how you know it’s a good song: it wants to kill you and you want to let it. Melody 5 - Tera Melos: Tera Melos’ Untitled album is a masterpiece. It’s just pure creative energy, before they figured out you can sing on a song without itjust being yelling in the background. This song especially ecapsulates the spirit of the whole thing because it twists and turns forever without ever feeling forced or boring, it just goes on and on and on with new idea after new idea but still feels like a complete work as well. The sample at the end where she says “lucas[?] you are as beautiful as [?] and [?] [???]” makes me very emotional even though I have no idea what’s going on. Good song. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah - House And Land: I found out about this duo because I’m a huge fan of the guitarist Sarah Louise but I didn’t even know she was a singer as well. This is great appalachian folk music without the watered down bullshit and WITH the sensibilities of modern composition. The calustophobically close vocal harmonies in this are just shocking. The Day Is Past And Gone - House And Land: I saw someone on their bandcamp page saying they’d never fully appreciated the function of the drone in this sort of folk music before they heard this album and they’re absolutely right. Everything pivots around the guitar drone in this song for the first half, then when the guitar takes over the violin steps in and everything weaves around it. Intro/Keep It Healthy - Warpaint: This is a great song but the intro especially made me think a lot about recording and the identity of albums and as inconsequential as it sounds I think the drummer fucking up and apologising at the very start benefits this album hugely because it immediately puts a very human face on music that could easily be quite aloof and distant to the point of alienation without it. Vaseline Machine Gun (Live) - Leo Kottke: I love Leo Kottke so much and this is maybe the first song I ever heard of his and it absolutely blew my mind but this live version is very funny. This is solo acoustic guitar music, american primitivism from the bluegrass tradition, it’s not cool guy music by any stretch but Leo Kottke has somehow packed out an auditorium full of folks who are absolutely hanging on his every note and when the central slide melody of this song starts you can hear one guy in the crowd just absolutely losing his mind over it in a couple of long, distant “woooooooo"s and I like to imagine that that man is me. Cavity - Hundred Waters: This song is so beautiful and so considered in every aspect. The frailty of her voice makes it feel like it could break at any second and the whole thing could collapse, the oscillating two note refrain that ties it together is so strong when it comes back and the percussion is so detailed in a way you wouldn’t expect from any other band but Hundred waters. Metastaseis - Iannis Xenakis: Thankyou to @thoughtportrait for introducing me to the nightmare music of true oddball Iannis Xanakis, I was reading about him for a few hours while I listened through his music and Metasaseis is a good example of a piece of music that has a lot of context around it, and the concept of the composition being individually scored for every single player in the orchestra is interesting and innovative and everything like that but it’s not essential knowledge to understand this: you just listen to it and get overwhelmed. For Organ And Brass - Ellen Arkbro: I am obsessed with this piece of music. It is absolutely transcedental but the first time I listened to it I heard a train horn honk in the distance outside our flat and thought it was part of the music, so it’s also that kind of music. It is twenty minutes of long, loud, organ and brass notes and I cannot get enough of it. Bogan Pride - Bad//Dreems: "big muscles pumping in my sweatshirt/ big muscles pumping in my dreams”. Almost every Bad//Dreems song is about The Boys and either being one of the boys or how much you fucking hate the boys or how much you fucking hate that you are one of the boys and it’s so good. Alice - Sunn 0))): The last part of my Drone Month was listening to this song a lot. This is my favourite from Monoliths And Dimensions because without any vocals or the choir of the others it feels very stripped back, the guitar moves in big waves and the brass follows. Also, I used this song to diagnose exactly which part of my car door was rattling when I played particularly bassy music this month, so it’s functional too. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) - Budddy Rich: I can’t believe I only found out this was a Beatles song this month when I was searching for this Buddy Rich version on Spotify. How embarrassing. I’ve listened to this album for years and this song is so melodically rich I wish it went for three times longer. Obedear - Purity Ring: I watched Search Party this month and aside from being an absolutely amazing show that somehow balances incredible characters, violence and mystery while still being hilarious it reminded me how good of a song Obedear is. I wish it had a proper opening credits sequence because this song never goes for long enough in the show. Out Of Line - Gesaffelstein: This song starts menacing and just gets more menacing the whole time. “a bitter sunken love in a bleach blonde submarine” is such a great line, and the voices barking on the offbeat near the end is so propulsive it makes me wish this song was longer. Every Time The Sun Comes Up - Sharon Van Etten: This song gets stuck in my head whenever I wake up and have a news alert about whatever the newest calamity is, but it also makes me smile because having a line like 'I washed your dishes but I shitted in your bathroom’ in such a downbeat and serious song is so funny. “I shitted.” Atomic Number - case/lang/veirs: This song feels like a folk song from another dimension where everyone worships the atom and the overlapping vocals in the verse are so nice. This whole album is just full of beautiful layered songs like this I really recommend it. Black Gold Blues - Laura Veirs: the case/lang/veirs album reminded me how much I like Laura Veirs and how much of a moment this sort of Kaki King/Tegan And Sara genre was for a while. The karate noises in the background of this song really make it. Golden Brown - The Stranglers: Will a song about heroin in alternating 6/8 and 7/8 featuring a harpsichord ever again be such a bop? Unlikely. Aquarian - Grizzly Bear: I’m still working out how I feel about the new Grizzly Bear album. It’s so dense and it always takes me a while to work through their albums but I like it so far and this song has really stood out to me so far. The drums especially make it, in the second half the dragged snare becomes the centrepiece that the rest centres around. Leak -Truth, yesnotesnotes- - Boris: If you’re still reading reply to this post and tell me whether you think of Heavy Rocks meaning Heavy as a concept Rocks like it’s good, or Heavy Rocks like big boulders. Because I’ve always thought of it as the former and I don’t know why. Speak In Rounds - Grizzly Bear: Here’s an easier Grizzly Bear song. I had it stuck in my head intermittently all month and would just sing it to myself constantly, to the point where I looked up the lyrics and it’s literally about drawing a picture upside down to distract yourself from tinnitus. The Obvious Child - Paul Simon: It’s crazy that Paul Simon put out the Rhythm Of The Saints right after Graceland because it’s like the expanded weirdo version of an already out-there album. Like a sequel from a different universe. Acetate - Metz: I was listening to Death From Above 1979 and then I realised I should stop fucking around and just listen to Metz instead. I love the loping rhythm of the bass that drives everything in this song and how absolutely noisy every single part of it is, it’s pure frustrated energy. Talkin’ World War III Blues - Bob Dylan: I’ve been reading a book about the Cuban Missile Crisis called One Minute To Midnight by Michael Dobbs and it reminded me how much of a bullshitter Bob Dylan is cause he said he wrote A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall about the Cuban Missle Crisis but there’s recorded evidence of him playing it like a year beforehand. Anyway this is a far better song and the best kind of Dylan song where he just rambles on about a bunch of bullshit that happened in a dream for 6 minutes. If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray: I’ve always sort of preferred Fever Ray over any of The Knife’s albums and as far as album openers go there really isn’t a better tone setter than this song and the huge throbbing synth that just sits there manacingly throughout while the organ builds walls over it. Dust Bowl Children - Alison Krauss & Union Station: A few weeks ago we saw a double feature of Hail, Cesar and O Brother Where Art Thou at The Astor and I learned that Hail, Cesar is  masterpiece that I didn’t fully appreciate when I first saw it and I remembered how much I love Dan Tyminski’s voice. Incredibly good song from a huge voice about my personal passion: soil erosion and how we are all going to die because we haven’t learned from the sins of agriculture past. Give The Mule What He Wants - Queens Of The Stone Age: I’ve listened to the new Queens Of The Stone age maybe 5 times through and it’s just not doing it for me, which is pretty disapointing. There is a bright side, however, and it’s that their first album has been re-added to spotify after disappearing for about a year. This is a song I regularly get obsessed with and have to listen to over and over and over but I can’t pin down what it is that I love about it. A huge part of it is definitely the propulsive groove of the verses and the way the drums and bass just roll forwards so heavily. Thinking Of A Place - The War On Drugs: I’m so glad this song made it onto the album because when it was initially released I thought it was just going to be a Record Store Day exclusive single but it works so perfectly as a centrepiece to this album. It’s expansive and beautiful and it makes me so emotional! Two Trucks - Lemon Demon: Two pickup trucks making love. American made, built Ford tough. Atomic Bomb - William Onyeabor: This was another song that kept getting stuck in my head reading the Cuban Missile Crisis book, and also because of the news over the last month but probably mostly just because it’s a great song. There’s something about the vocal phrasing and the drum groove that makes this song feel really structurally strong for the jam that it is and I really can’t get enough of it. The Scene Between - The Go! Team: The Go! Team are the most underrated band in the world and I’m dedicating my life to getting them the respect they deserve. For some reason their newest album has been removed from Spotify except for this single which I’m thankful for because it’s a great song. The Werewolf - Paul Simon: Paul Simon is fucking 75 years old and he put out one of the best songs of his career last year! Who’s gonna stop him! Tilt Shift - Mosca: “I never lost a fight [to camera: I have lost a few fights] but I will fucking shoot you bruv” Tilt Shift (Julio Bashmore Remix) - Mosca: Tilt Shift is an incredible song and somehow I only found out that Julio Bashmore had done a remix of it last month. It’s a great remix because it sort of sounds like he’s just done a mashup of Tilt Shift and the Wii Shop Channel Theme, which is fine by me. Spit You Out - Metz: The riff in this feels like Queens Of The Stone Age’s first album if they were incredibly upset. I love how long this song is, they really wring every last drop out of it. The Deadly Rhythm - Refused: It’s been years and the drums in this song still kick my ass. It’s crazy that an album whose first lyrics are 'I’ve got a bone to pick with capitalism, and a few to break!’ can be so legitimately cool. Over Everything - Kurt Vile & Courtney Barnett: I am so excited for this album. The two most relaxed songwriters alive finally collaborating to be incredible relaxed together. I wasn’t a hundred percent on this song when I first heard it because Kurt sounds like he almost can’t keep up with the song, but after listening to it a lot I’ve decided that makes it even better. Also a good 60% of this song is just them jamming out and I really hope the album follows the same formula. The City - The Drones: There’s a great part in this song where the tape runs out during the recording and there’s a long break while they change it which as far as accidents go is an incredibly musically effective one. Drive - Ainslie Wills: This song should have been a huge hit, I’ve been obsessed with it for two years now and it’s still incredible every time. Somebody sponsor Ainslie Wills and force her to make a new album already. Me And My Uncle - The Lone Bellow: It’s truly crazy how much time I spent listening to a 5.5 hour Grateful Dead tribute album last year but it’s just that good. Please set aside half a day to listen to Day Of The Dead in full and have a massive Grateful Dead phase for six months after like I did.

listen here

end-of-the-year update (it’s a big one)

hi friends 

to begin if you’re on mobile i’m sorry because this is probably gonna be super long but i’ve decided to give an update as to what’s been hip hop happenin’ in my life for like the whole year i guess

as i’m sure many of you were aware i spent the first two and a half months (until mid-march) doing literally nothing before i studied abroad in japan (!!!!!!!) from march 15th to august 2nd and had a super great time. it was absolutely amazing, and i miss it so much and wish i could go back ugh. if you ever have the chance to go to tokyo, i 1000000% recommend it because it was absolutely wonderful and there’s so much to do and see 

after i got back i was home for like 20 days before starting my senior year in college. i spent like half of that time super jetlagged and hella sick (i was in 4 different airports on my way back, travelling for over 24 hours so it’s pretty much understandable tbh). but i went to school early for a volunteer thing that i did the past two years and got to see my friends!! which was nice!! and then i started classes which was okay. i was taking 5 classes (my international affairs capstone (rip), two sociology classes (soc of mental health and soc theory), astronomy and macroecon) and some i liked more than others. my soc of mental health class was a grad-level class that i have to take for my honors in major, and me and this other guy were the only two undergrad students with 5 grad students (some of whom were like ‘ah yeah this is my last class before i get my phd’ and i felt super incompetent the whole time and like i knew nothing), one of whom was my ta for my other soc class which was super strange. it wasn’t bad, and the professor was not as harsh of a grader as i expected her to be tbh. my astronomy class was awful (bc it was a gen-ed and my friend that i was taking it with and i were like two of the five seniors in the class with the rest basically freshmen and sophomores) and i honestly learned like very little from it, but i liked econ more than i expected i would. 

i also went back full-swing into my clubs which was one of the main things i missed when i was abroad. i joined the japanese culture club that was created at the end of the semester, and did a presentation on my time in japan for our last meeting which was fun. i also went into the japanese classes and presented to all of them. i did some presentations for scholarships that i got as well. which also kind of leads me to my other point of becoming a global ambassador for study abroad!! which honestly sounds a lot cooler than it actually is but hey it’s another thing to put on the resume am i right

along with that, i was cross-trained to work at circulation at the library, so now the majority of the time i’m upstairs at the front desk which isn’t as bad as i thought it would be. it’s definitely more fun than being down in multimedia all the time, and i feel my customer service skills have gotten better. i tutored two people this past semester in psych stats, which was okay (as i didn’t take that class but oh well close enough), but towards the end of the semester i was like ugh can i be done with this. but i was hired as a tutor support assistant which i’ll be doing a lot of work for in the spring (which means i’ll be making more money bless). i’m also set to work curtailed operations at the library when the school is closed for snowdays (which is $15/hour bless) and i applied to be a part-time staff member there as well. i’m only going to be taking 3 classes in the spring so i’m hoping to spend a lot of my time working which is why i applied for all these things

and as for my classes, i’m going to be doing another grad class (social demography), another soc class (class, status, and power) and course about business in asia that’s taught by my japanese professor (the only reason why i took it tbh). my roommate and i were trying to create an independent study for japanese in the spring but we weren’t able to get it to go through because the chair of the department is literally the worst at responding and doing things in a timely manner, and the dean’s office also isn’t helping at all :))))) i’m planning on going to the dean’s office at the start of the semester and complaining a bunch. for ia, i needed to get through the 632-level for japanese to complete the major but because the program is so small they don’t have that class, and i was told before i studied abroad that i could do an independent study when i got back to count but they wouldn’t let me make one so i’m like lowkey screwed? maybe? but the ia department emailed me asking if i took a class for credit in japan and i emailed my sensei and was like ‘hey they won’t let me do an independent study can you say that you approved one of my classes in japan thanks’ and we shall see what she says so i might be okay. so for the spring i’ll have classes monday 9:10-12, 3:40-5, tuesday/thursday 9:40-11 and wednesday 3:40-5 which ain’t too shabby i’ll say. so i’m planning on doing 10-hours normally at the library, with potentially part-time staff, and hopefully 10 hours a week for tutoring support stuff and other tutoring if i have students that need it. 

i have no idea what i’ll be doing after graduation but we shall see what’ll happen when the time gets to it. i’ll probably work at the summer program i worked at last summer (or take my sister’s job at the one she worked at ayy), and then we’ll see from there. i thought about applying for grad school for the spring of 2019, but if i’m being honest i’m pretty much tired from school. doing school for 16 years straight has left me super worn out, especially with all i’ve been trying to do in college with two majors and a minor and two+ jobs and five clubs. i might like halfheartedly apply to some places but like this semester was too busy with all of my stuff to even think of the GREs or applications. we’ll see what the future holds though. 

okay i’m gonna end this here but that’s pretty much what’s been happening to me academically at least. i’ve made a lot of new friends this year which i’m super grateful for, as well as gotten close with other ones. i’d say that i’ll be on here more but we’ll see what next semester holds. if anyone’s read through all of this (which i highly expect no one to have done) congratulations, you have made it. 

thanks everyone for sticking with me so far (especially since i’ve been gone for the majority of the year)! it’s been real

Book Review: The Curious Case Of Sidd Fitch

On April 1, 1985, a piece by George Plimpton was published in Sports Illustrated, called "The Curious Case of Sidd Finch". It presented a new rookie pitcher for the Mets: Sidd Finch, an aspirant Buddhist monk and French horn aficionado, who could throw a pitch around 160mph. If you're not familiar with baseball, a 90mph pitch is a good ticket to the majors, and the fastest pitch on record is around 105mph. The article was a joke, of course -- April Fool's -- but the reaction especially among Mets fans was electric. Within sports journalism it's widely considered to be one of the best hoaxes of all time.

Plimpton eventually expanded the article into a novel in 1987, and I finally got around to digging it up and reading it -- it's what I've been reading on the train to the last few Railcats games of the season. The Curious Case of Sidd Finch, as a novel, is in a way a time capsule; it captures a very weird era for the country and a pre-player's strike, pre-Moneyball era for baseball. But it's not really a book about baseball, despite Plimpton being primarily a sports journalist. It's easily accessible if you don't know a ton about the game, primarily because neither does Sidd Finch.

Rather, the book struck me as drawing heavily on what I think of as the "parable novel", a genre popular in the seventies -- part religious/philosophical treatise and part self-help book disguised as a fictional narrative (the most famous is probably Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach).

The novel's narrator and fictional author is Robert Temple, a former journalist living in Florida and suffering from a decade-long writer's block; he literally can't write anything, including shopping lists and notes to self. (I'll come back to this.) By a chance of fate he learns that the Mets have a rookie player named Sidd Fitch who can throw a 160mph fastball with uncanny accuracy, but who is still uncertain he actually wants to sign with the club. After getting thrown out of his boarding house for bringing a girl over, Sidd and his girlfriend Debbie Sue end up living with Temple at the request of the Mets, who hope Temple can convince him to sign with the team while he attends spring training in Florida.

It's a really compelling read with enjoyable characters, and there's some good tension set up in the question of whether Sidd will sign with the Mets, and whether it would be good for both Sidd and the sport as a whole for him to do so. And I appreciated that the one full pro game Sidd pitches isn't the climax of the book -- this is not a book about sport but a book that uses sport to meditate on other matters.

It does have its issues, however. Temple, the narrator, draws the reader in because we understand that he was a writer and no longer is, but we don't know why -- we know he's suffered some terrible psychological blow, just not exactly what: 

If he had taken the time to check it out, he would have discovered that I was not capable of writing a paragraph, much less a line of copy. I was a completely defused member of the communications industry. 

[....]

I took my sister by the elbow afterward and I said, “Well, that’s my problem, isn’t it? I’m not really alive. I’m perhaps a quarter alive.”

“You’re coming along,” she said. 

I think it would have been best for that information to come out slowly in drips here and there, perhaps eventually being told more fully when Temple explains to Sidd or Debbie Sue why he can't write. Instead we get an early-on chapter about it -- basically a brief autobiography where he goes to Vietnam to cover the war as a journalist, has a breakdown, and retires to Florida where he fills empty days with pointless tasks as a way of keeping himself alive. It's...not the most interesting chapter. And then he can’t really explain it to the others because we’ve already sat through it once. 

This complicated history is also a problem with Sidd, our young pitcher -- Sidd is struggling with both his faith and what his purpose in life should be, and that’s immediately something people can identify with. The issue is that Plimpton, the actual author, built on the biography he created for Sidd in the Sports Illustrated article, which was a joke and thus comedically complicated. Sidd is an orphan from England adopted by an English anthropologist who then died in a plane crash when Sidd was a teenager, and he found Buddhism while looking for his father in the Himalayas. Sidd also, randomly, is very good at the French horn. This is a complex backstory for a baseball player and it's not entirely well-told within the boundaries of the book, though it's also a pretty ripping adventure story as Sidd runs away from boarding school to look for his dad and eventually ends up an aspirant monk who uses Buddhists lung-gom teachings to train himself to throw a 160mph baseball.

We never really get to the heart of why Sidd walked up to a Mets talent scout one day and decided to get himself recruited; there are hints here and there, and it does lead to a masterful set of discussions about why baseball is a game for mystics:

“Why baseball?” Frank Cashen asked. “Why didn’t he go back to England and play cricket?” 

Dr. Burns put his fingertips together. “Baseball is the perfect game for the mystic mind. Cricket is unsatisfactory because it has time strictures. The clock is involved. Play is called. The players stop for tea. No! No! No!” Burns sounded quite petulant. “On the other hand, baseball is so open to infinity. No clocks. No one pressing the buttons on stopwatches. The foul lines stretch to infinity. In theory, the game of baseball can go on indefinitely.” 

[...]

“I got very interested in the idea of causing a commotion at Point B when standing a long distance away at Point A. To throw an object that connects those two points is a very heady thing to be able to do...especially if you can do it time and time again with accuracy. It is something archers and hunters know all about -- the trigonometric closing of lines.” 

[...]

I suddenly had a clear image of what Sidd was doing to the game. It was what the listeners were suggesting -- he was changing the properties and the essence of the ball itself. It struck me how often the ball is inspected during a game, as if anyone who touches it has to make sure the ball has not changed its properties. If the ball disappears over the fence, another, like a youngster’s dream pinball game, emerges from a black sack at the umpire’s side. He looks at it and gives it to the catcher, who rubs it briefly, and after a glance fires it out to the pitcher; he looks at the ball and rubs it with both hands, his glove dangling from its wrist strap, and then, as he stares down at the catcher for the signal, his fingers maneuver over its surface feeling for the comfort of some response -- yes, this time it will do exactly as he wishes! [...] Football players do not have this kind of kinship with their ball. Most of the players don’t even touch the thing during the course of a game. It sits stolidly on the grass. The center comes up over the ball from the huddle and barely giving it a glance turns it under his hands; his eyes are staring across the line of scrimmage at the unpleasant visage of the nose guard opposite. A defensive tackle is so uncomfortable with the ball that if he chances to pick it up on the practice-field he tends to throw it end over end to get rid of it. [...] Tennis balls are not kept on the mantlepiece. Too many of them around. Who cares?  

But there's never that moment where Sidd says, this is why I came to America to play baseball. Especially since he knows so little about it going in. I suppose Plimpton had to make him a foreigner so he wouldn't know much about the sport, but honestly, you can grow up in America and not know much about baseball, especially at the pro level. Though I do enjoy some of the eccentricities of the game that Plimpton chose to focus on: 

“They have shown me the heavy ring that one slides on the bat to make it seem lighter. I had thought originally that the heavy ring was a talisman to bless the wood. No! One has only oneself to rely on within the confines of the batting box.” 

There's also some pretty lowered stakes in this book because everyone, even Sidd, is wealthy. Temple can afford to do nothing all day for a decade while still seeing an expensive private therapist about his writer's block (and eventually supporting Sidd and Debbie Sue when they move in) because his family is rich and supportive. Sidd, an innocent who travels with very little, still has access to his father's fortune and has a mansion waiting for him in England. Debbie Sue, the free-spirited beach bum that Sidd falls in love with, comes from a wealthy family and was attending an ivy league school before she left it all behind to windsurf full-time in Florida. Even the most desperate people in the book, namely the coaching staff of the Mets, are only desperate to get Sidd to play. Nobody's life or livelihood is riding on anything in the book, which to me makes it slightly less effective as a philosophical treatise because everyone starts from a place of wealth and comfort. On the other hand, it does allow the reader to engage fully with the psychological side of things, and there’s something to be said for not having to worry about where Sidd’s next meal is coming from:

Rather haltingly, Sidd asked me if I would come to New York and see him through August and September...perhaps share an apartment. He didn’t feel he was going to feel at ease in the city. Over the phone he made one of his brilliant vocal imitations -- the sound of a taxi horn, a police siren, and the sigh of a bus pulling away from its passenger stop.

“There are no mantras,” he said, “to take care of this sort of thing.”

All that said, it is a really fun book. Everyone in it is charming and funny, Sidd's bewilderment over the rituals of pro baseball is touching, and there's an interesting hint of threesome-ness (probably unintentional) to the bond between Sidd, Debbie Sue, and Temple. As a baseball fan I appreciated the thought Plimpton put into how and where the characters and the sport interacted, and you can tell he has a genuine love of the game. He also appears to have done his research about Buddhism -- it's not just a stand in for woo-woo esotericism, the way it was a bit in the original article. There is some of that, but there is also a lot of genuine discussion of Buddhism which seems, in my admittedly very limited experience, to be correct.

Sidd smiled...very much as Dennis Brain probably had on the stage of the Jubilee Hall. “There’s a saying of Buddha,” he said. “Be earnest in cessation although there is nothing to cease; practice the cessation although there is nothing to practice.” 

So yeah, do recommend The Curious Case Of Sidd Finch if you’re interested in baseball or just in a pretty good story about a baseball player. 

2019 WRAPPED: a few contributors’ (and my) records of the year

in order of release, here are some of our contributors’ albums of the year, alongside my extremely extensive list of my favorite LPs released in the past 365 days.

1. january 18, heard it in a past life by maggie rogers

this album, without a doubt, shaped this entire year for me, but whenever i’m asked to explain how, or why, i get choked up. at the time of its release, i was in such a strange place mentally that i couldn’t listen to “light on” - one of the most popular songs on the album - without sobbing uncontrollably, even if that meant excusing myself to cry in the restroom when it came on at work. i am so grateful to have had hiiapl to grow with this year. maggie rogers is one of the most influential artists in the world right now, and i know this album is a lot of people’s record of the year.  recommendations: light on, burning, on + off, the knife

2. january 25, amo by bring me the horizon

the return of british metalcore band bring me the horizon was such a heavily anticipated one, given the fact that their last LP release was in 2015, but i don’t think anyone could have expected the record they were going to release, or how different it would be from anything they’d ever made. bring me the horizon made a really impressive leap into something of an unknown; there has been, both unfortunately and understandably, some backlash regarding exactly what genres the band had decided to experiment with and whether they’d lost their roots in deathcore. but they’ve promised that despite this jump, they’ll still be as rowdy as ever in their live shows. amo is one of my favorite records of the year because of its genre-bending, and because of its desperation and emotion. it’s turned bring me the horizon from a band i never really cared for into one i now seek out when i’m thinking of what to listen to on drives. recommendations: mantra, in the dark, sugar honey ice + tea, mother tongue

3. february 1, midnight by set it off

my favorite record of 2019 is midnight by set it off. not only did the band completely reinvent their aesthetic, they also showcase a more mature and cohesive sound. cody (the lead singer) is a classically trained clarinetist and I think his knowledge of music really shows on this record. each song has little surprises here and there, and shows the work of musicians who understand rhythm and texture. there’s a little something for everyone, from the angsty undertones of “killer in the mirror” and “dancing with the devil,” to the raw, beautiful emotion of the ballad “unopened windows.” hands down best record of 2019!  -gabriela (twitter || instagram)

4. march 1, wasteland, baby! by hozier

I wish I could do my dissertation on the various ways Wasteland, Baby! is a masterpiece but unfortunately I'm in a museum studies program and I don't think my professors would accept that proposal. Hozier was somehow able to fit every emotion a human being is capable of feeling in a mere 57 minutes (and 21 seconds of course) and, by the end, has made the listener feel warm and hopeful despite a large theme being, y'know, the literal ending of everything. Don't even get me started on his referencing and imagery we could be here FOREVER talking about Shrike alone! Even Spotify was like "Hey this is literally all you listened to this year, you good?". Hozier and Wasteland, Baby! have been through one of the toughest years of my life with me - including the transition into a new country - and they will forever have a place in my heart.  -alissa (instagram)

5. march 22, mystic truth by bad suns

up until this year - and this release - bad suns were always a background artist in my life. i’ve been listening to them since they first released “cardiac arrest” and it was a single of the week on itunes, but only casually. this was, however, the year i saw them live, on their mystic truth tour in late spring.  recommendations: away we go, the world and i, love by mistake

6. march 29, you are ok by the maine

the maine are the most dramatic band in the world, and i love them to death for it. after staging a funeral for their 2017 release, lovely little lonely, in october 2018 to signify their departure from social media, they spent nearly six months in silence to write and record before releasing their seventh record, you are ok, this past march. this record makes me more - for lack of a better word - emo than any of their previous work, in spite and as a consequence of its blatant deviation from the loneliness of anything they’ve released pretty much since black & white. you are ok is, from its very first breath, evolved. recommendations: slip the noose, my best habit, tears won’t cry (shinju), heaven we’re already here

7. march 29, when we all fall asleep, where do we go? by billie eilish

the debut full-length from music prodigy billie eilish was long-awaited by dedicated fans and the general public alike, and when it finally dropped in march of this year, not a single person on this planet was disappointed (probably a hyperbole and consequently bad journalism, but who cares, i never claimed to tell the whole entire truth). when we all fall asleep is a genre-defying masterpiece; the tracks don’t feel as if they should be played on the radio, but because of eilish’s more mainstream previous releases, she’d essentially earned a permanent slot in most popular stations’ rotations. i also had the privilege of watching her play to one of the biggest crowds that reading festival’s main stage had ever seen, and she blew myself (and everyone else there) away.  recommendations: xanny, all the good girls go to hell, when the party’s over, my strange addiction, bury a friend

9. april 26, the balance by catfish and the bottlemen

despite criticisms that they’ve been making the same album for five years, i genuinely believe that with every new release, catfish and the bottlemen produce more emotionally coherent and intelligent music. i finally got to see them this year, on their tour supporting the balance, too, after years of casual listening. the balance turned me into a ravenous catfish fan; i spent two months after the show devouring all of the content surrounding them i could find, listening to all three of their albums on repeat, and crying endlessly over how beautiful van mccann is. this album absolutely defined the back half of my 2019, and i’m always shocked to learn that there are people who don’t love it as fiercely as i do. i have such an overflowing fountain of feelings about this album that i’m still not entirely sure how to write about, but all i have to say is that, if you haven’t yet, please please please give this album a spin.  recommendations: fluctuate, conversation, intermission, overlap

10. may 24, future dust by the amazons

the amazons are the best band i discovered this year, hands down. according to my spotify year in review, i listened to over 9 hours of their music since seeing them at reading in august (not including all the times i spun this record on vinyl in that time as well).  future dust is a masterpiece; there is not one bad track; every time i listen to it, it gets better. they’ve got rock and roll on lock. no one else has come close since maybe the arctic monkeys, but the amazons have brought it back. i’m having a hard time stringing together words about the way this record makes me feel, but i hope that you’ll see this, listen to it top to bottom six or seven times, and make your own feelings about it.  recommendations: mother, fuzzy tree, black magic, 25, doubt

11. june 14, doom days by bastille

i will probably forever hate myself for falling out of love with bastille after i graduated high school. i’m not entirely sure what happened (actually, i am - i was shoved too far up the maine’s ass to care about anything else) but i know that i loved them more than anything when i was a teenager, and the doom days album cycle - specifically their reading set - reignited that love, so i’ll be forever grateful to it for that. this album is conceptual and amazing, set over the course of one night when the writer - presumably frontman dan smith, whose brain this came out of - attends a party with his friends in an attempt at escapism. the world is fucked - dan’s words, but also mine - and sometimes we really do just need to pull the wool over our own eyes for once and let loose, even if just for a night. it starts at a “quarter past midnight,” when the night has only just begun, endless possibilities stretched out ahead of him, and finishes with “joy,” about waking up on the kitchen floor, your phone going off in your hand, the only person who really matters in your life on the other end of the line. bastille have always released music that makes it clear that they give a fuck what happens to earth and her people, and with doom days, they’ve perfected that sound.  recommendations: quarter past midnight, divide, million pieces, joy

12. august 23, GINGER by brockhampton

after a brief hiatus, my favourite all-american boyband returned with their fifth studio album, GINGER. with a noticeably matured and somewhat mellowed shift within the hip-hop collective, this record explores themes of grief and disconnection to the backdrop of upbeat melodies such as on "boy bye" and sweet love songs such as on "sugar". though perhaps my favourite sentiment on this record lies within the fact that it opens with the echoed words, "I don't know where I'm going," and closes poignantly with the heartfelt statement, "Thank God that I'm built for the distance." -katy (twitter | instagram)

13. september 13, hypersonic missiles by sam fender

hypersonic missiles, the debut full-length from geordie singer-songwriter-maestro sam fender, was my most anticipated release this year. fender has faced a mess of obstacles this year, mostly health-related, after winning the BRIT awards’ critics’ choice award at the start of it, and as a result has had to cancel a majority of the shows he’d had schedules and push back the release of hypersonic missiles a whole month. it was well worth the wait, though, and i ended up writing an essay-length review of it for highlight magazine when i finally did get to hear it. filled to the brim with emotional ballads and belters alike, hypersonic missiles is a culmination of over five years of songwriting and even longer of sam being fed up - with his government, with his peers, with the misrepresentation of mental health by the media. we’ve only had this record for three months, but i can already tell it’s timeless. i’m only hoping sam’s voice recovers enough that he can continue to tour to promote it before returning to studio (reportedly the electric lady in new york city!) to record his second release.  recommendations: hypersonic missiles, white privilege, you’re not the only one, will we talk?, two people

14. september 13, pride & disaster by sleep on it

my favorite record of the year is undoubtedly ‘Pride & Disaster’ by Sleep On It. Pride & Disaster arrived the perfect time for me, as I just transferred out of college. I felt lost and unsure of my future. However, listening to Pride & Disaster gave me a sense of hope and support that I’ll be okay on my new journey. -julie (twitter)

15. october 4, interrobang by bayside

Just like the title, there's no single form of punctuation that can explain the brilliance of this album. 'Interrobang' takes the classic Bayside sound to a new level with heavier riffs, faster time signatures, and iconic lyrics. From "Heaven," a stand out anthem for aging punks in the scene to "Bury Me," a melodic metal inspired breakout track, this album is laced together perfectly with both the past and future of Bayside. By tip toeing the line between metal, alt rock, and pop punk, the band has shown that even after almost twenty years as a band, they can still innovate and transform with new music. -katie (twitter | instagram) 

16. december 13, fine line by harry styles

i wanted to include this in this roundup, considering i haven’t stopped listening to it since it came out (and i saw him live!), but i did also write an entire review of the album. you can read it here!

honorable mentions (aka albums i didn’t feel like writing an essay about - or just didn’t listen to all that much - but still think you should give a chance)

1. swmrs, berkeley’s on fire (february 15, 2019) 2. circa waves, what’s it like over there? (april 4, 2019 -  i wrote a whole review about this record for highlight and not many of my feelings about it have changed since then.) 3. cage the elephant, social cues (april 19, 2019) 4. ten tonnes, ten tonnes (may 3, 2019) 5. palace, life after (july 12, 2019) 6. clairo, immunity (august 2, 2019) 7. the myserines, take control ep (august 8, 2019) 8. muna, saves the day (september 6, 2019) 9. from indian lakes, dimly lit (october 18, 2019)