Okay yeah uhm… I might need to tell a whole bunch of people not to mention something about me on a specific day. I think they’ll do that for me. They like me. I am a beloved member of their family. Ahahaha 😰

My Story

How it all started

I was not born in to the religion but i do consider myself a born in. It’s all I’ve known. My mother was baptized when I was five or six and soon after married my step-father. I do not remember any birthdays, Christmas’, or any other holidays before that point in my life.

My step-father was a fourth generation born in and the religion was everything to his family. We were to carry that legacy on in whatever way possible. Whether by volunteering our time in service or our money in helping others in the congregation. We were to make sure we did nothing to “bring reproach on Jehovah’s name”. It was serious business. Our life revolved around the religion. Not only in our spiritual life but our work and personal life.

My mother was no slouch either. She may have “come from the world” but she was a serious and studious student of the bible. She was a good JW wife and mother. Took care of house and home. Served the congregation as best she could despite her ailments. Our house consistently had brothers and sisters in and out for dinners, barbecues and other get togethers.

I became an un-baptized publisher somewhere between 10 and 12. Not because I felt a calling or anything but because I knew it was expected of me and I already went on service every week with my mother so really it didn’t change anything. I just now had to report those hours I preached.

Doubt

I started to doubt as a preteen. Evolution was one sticking point. I had a very science oriented mind as a child, still do. I just didn’t understand how science could say we evolved but Witnesses say we didn’t. I questioned my mother and she tried to explain it to me and then did what every witness parent does. Pointed me to the “creation book” or Life-How Did It Get Here? By Evolution or by Creation? I read it cover to cover but I still couldn’t shake the idea that hundreds of well educated people came to the conclusion that we came to be through an evolutionary process. But eventually, I knew there was no fighting it, so I just let it go.

Then came doubts about the bible itself. There is so much in the bible that makes me question the organization’s narrative of a loving God verses what God does in the bible. If a person was to do what God did in the bible, I would say that that person was a sociopathic war criminal who should be tried for their crimes against humanity. If you’re someone who believes in the Christian God and believes that the things written in the bible are literal, I’m sorry but this is just my opinion.

Eventually, the expectation of baptism came. At that point, the reasons for me being hesitant wasn’t that I didn’t believe, because I really didn’t know what I believed. I know I wanted to believe, but that was because I knew that if I expressed that anything other than belief, it would alienate me from my family.

Since I wasn’t baptized and underaged, I knew I wouldn’t be kicked out. But it would definitely strain the relationship I had with my mother and sisters. Looking back now, I realized that I would have been in for lecture after lecture from my step-dad. It wouldn’t have been the loving (guilting) approach of trying to bring someone back into the fold I would be reproached for making what he thought was bad and idiotic decision.

I knew there really was only one decision I could make. So, I set the date when there would be an assembly, so I would have to be baptized in front a huge crowd, and I started the questions to be done with two elders. I was baptized in my mid teens.

I look back on that day and I feel numb. I think I felt relief at the time because it was done. The anxiety of knowing that people would constantly be looking at me with the expectation of my baptism would stop. I know now that I didn’t do it for the right reason. I didn’t believe. I just did it, because I knew there was no other choice.

My Step Father

And I continued being miserable. I struggled with my belief and it was not helped by my family life. Like I said, serving Jehovah was supposed to be everything in my family, and that included everything little thing in someones life. How one kept there home, how someone conducted themselves in front of someone else, how someone’s attitude towards work was. And to my step-father there was only one correct way of doing things, and if you didn’t do things that way then as a person, something was wrong with you fundamentally. My father’s way of thinking was based on what the Watchtower taught but to an extreme that I didn’t see in many other family in the organization.

So if the family wasn’t perfect in everything we did, that was not acceptable to my father and we were berated and shamed for it. Sometimes, it felt like nothing my mother did could ever be enough. She strove to keep the house clean to his standards but sometimes she was too tired or there was too much on her plate and he would berate and belittle her. It felt like us kids were never allowed to be kids, we were expected to just get it. You make a mistake once and that was it. Sometimes even a mistake wasn’t allowed. It felt like we were just supposed to know how to do things without explanation.

We would be subject to lectures that would last hours. He would bring up my mothers life before being baptized to shame her. He would imply that she somehow passed on some of her “undesirable” traits on to us kids and that’s why we acted in a way that he didn’t approve of. He would criticize everything little thing we did. Honestly, looking back, some of the things he would criticize us for, was kinda ridiculous. Things that were really not important. In the end, you were left feeling worthless. Trying you’re best would never be enough because if you try your best and you fail, then to him, that means you weren’t trying your best.

Turning Point

After a particular grueling and emotionally exhausting fight, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went to my mother and told I couldn’t do it anymore. I told her I didn’t believe anymore and that I was agnostic. I told her I would move in with my biological father. Although I was still underaged, I still felt the need to move because I knew the tension would be too much for me. She told me alright but she also reminded me that I wouldn’t be able to talk to my siblings or her anymore. That I wouldn’t be able to see my youngest sister, who was a baby at the time, grow up. That broke my heart, but I said I knew and she said we would talk with everyone later.

That lasted about the day. The reality of my decision caught up to me and I couldn’t take the thought that I could never speak to my family again. Before we could talk to the family I went to her and told her the reason I said all those things was because I couldn't live in a house where in our religion we’re taught one thing but at home we are expected to live an extreme way that one can never attain and that I wanted to stay and I would continue going to meetings.

This reason was partially true. What I was experiencing was what broke the camels back but I was also still questioned my beliefs, I just didn’t want her to know that. And so I started to push everything away, or at least I tried to. They were there, I just ignored them. I overcompensated what I could do to counter the fact that I knew I had doubt and didn’t do more to be involved in the organization. I made sure to keep up to date with everything. I did research for meetings and I probably knew about more events in the bible than my sisters who regularly went out on service and gave bible studies.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if taking everything back and staying was a good idea. I sometimes regret it. I feel I might have saved a lot of heartache.

Leaving

2021. Coming up two years into the COVID-19 pandemic. My sister got married on the 21st of November. On the 28th of November my mother wakes me up. It seems that my parents were waiting for my sister to be married to tell the rest of us, so as not to ruin my sister’s wedding.

I was having one of my bad health days and just couldn’t muster up the energy to get up for meeting. I initially thought she was coming to see if I would be getting up for meeting. She tells me that’s alright, she and daddy just need to tell the family something and after that I can go back to sleep. My hackles immediately rise. Family discussions are usually a toss up on how they can go. I would have never even guess what was about to be discussed.

I walk downstairs with my blanket wrapped around me and sit on the couch. I notice that my mother’s laptop is dialed in to Zoom but not connected to the TV as it usually is, so our family can view the Zoom meeting on a bigger screen. We wait for the everyone to settle in. When everyone is settled my mother moves the laptop to the next room and closes the door because although everybody is usually muted she says she’s any thing can accidentally happen and our conversation could be broadcasted. I get more and more confused by what is happening.

My father and mother look a little nervous. I can’t remember if my mother or father was the one to speak first but they just came out with it immediately. Told us that they would not be going to meetings anymore. I couldn’t believe it. They told us about several things that led them to making that decision.

They told us what they found out about the organization’s hypocrisy with their dealings with the ‘world’. They were a NGO in the UN in the 90’s. If you’re a witness you know that the UN is regarded as the wild beast in Revelation in the bible and that as a witness you are to stay politically neutral and not be a part of any governmental organization. So them being apart of it is kind of a big deal, even if it was only for a decade. They told us of the white-washing of the organizations history. The failed predictions. The double standards expected of different countries.

I remember at one point they turn to my youngest brother and apologize to him and tell him that he was right. You see, a couple of years ago, my brother made it known that he did not believe in the organization and that he was an atheist. That definitely put a strain on the family.

I do not remember who brings it up, but somebody mentions the child sexual abuse in the organization. I have always told myself that that was a line that could not be crossed. That if I found out that the organization was implicit in the cover up of child abuse, that that was it. I could never be in an organization like that.

So that was that. They told us that they wouldn’t stop us from still attending if so desired. They offered to send us all the stuff they found out about if we wanted. They knew that my youngest brother wouldn’t anymore for obvious reasons. My youngest sister was only 8 so, she was just glad to not have to have to wake up early and still for meetings anymore. My oldest youngest brother was past the age that people expected to get baptized, because he always wanted to be 100 percent sure of something before he committed for something and I guess he couldn’t get committed because he wasn’t convinced.

And as for me, I think my mum already had an inkling of where my mind was at, based on previous conversations we have had and provided that time I had told her I couldn’t be a witness anymore. Even if that was years ago. I didn’t give a definitive answer but based on what I said in the conversation, the could infer that I wasn’t going anymore as well.

I let it stew for about two or three days. I guess I just had to let myself come to terms with this big thing that would change everything. I found that I was probably the calmest I had ever been in my entire life. I felt no anxiety. I realized I felt light like a weight had been lifted. I asked mum for all the stuff she found. It didn’t change anything, just gave me concrete proof of what I already suspected.

Aftermath

Unfortunately, we did not leave unscathed. We decided to fade. For those not in the know. Fading is when someone decided not to announce that they will no longer be a Jehovah’s Witness anymore. They will stop going to meetings, without saying anything. This way the elders technically cannot disfellowship (ex-communicate) you. So technically family and friends brave enough can still talk to you without the elders telling them anything.

My parents decided they would tell my sisters, not everything but just that they found stuff out and that they could not in good conscience be apart of the organization. That did not go over well for one of the three sisters and later a second one.

The youngest sister of us four oldest basically told us she had to shun us. She was on my parents insurance and requested to be removed even though she is incredibly sick right now and needs it. She sold the car my parents gave as a wedding present. She only calls to update my mum on her health condition. Because the youngest is not baptized, she still talks to her. She tried to keep in contact with the oldest brother but he would try to ask questions about the organization that’s he could not answer and he got frustrated, so they don’t talk anymore.

The third oldest at first seemed like she wasn’t going to shun us. It seemed just strained at first, which was expected but then she just disappeared. She quit working at my parents business and would not tell my mother where she would be working now. When mum would try and text her, she would only give one word answers and so communication petered out.

The oldest after me still talks to us. She works for my parents and regularly calls my mother. My youngest sister goes over to her apartment almost every Friday. Though the relationship has recently become strained because she is in between my sisters and us. Trying to be neutral but that obviously can’t last forever when my sisters ask her not to talk about them.

Now

Now it’s been 1 year, 4 months, and 14 days since that day. (Yes I did look up exactly how long it’s been.) I have missed two memorials, and have not attended one meeting, assembly, or convention since then. I have gotten therapy. (Shout out to my amazing therapist) Birthdays have been celebrated. We celebrated Christmas last year for the first time. My sister got to dress up for Halloween.

I am trying to move forward. Trying to find myself in the rest of the world. This blog is supposed to be a first step. Hopefully I get there.

so i haven't talked much about what's happened since i put myself in the hospital and moved home. i was obviously really sick for a bit but i had some serious downtime and am feeling back to normal. ive gotten sober, ive been working out everyday, working on myself and connected with some old friends i had lost touch with over the years.

one of which is an old friend and lover named david. i dated him when i was 16 and he was my first kiss literally ever. my family was extremely religious growing up (jehovahs witnesses) and at around 15/16 was when i started to be vocal about my opinions on the organization and acting rebellious. i remember telling my parents i was sleeping at a friends to sneak around with him, and we just wandered around our small home town all night until the sun came up - just making out everywhere and sleeping in the park together. i have a lot of funny silly memories with him. my first kiss at the public pool, getting in BIG trouble with my parents for making out with him in front of the local mcdonald's i worked at, him literally picking me up by my ankles at school because i was like half the size of him and me HATING it and him but making out with him for hours anyways. when we broke up it was literally something from a coming of age comedy or something. he brought me to the staff parking lot of our high school and broke my little angsty heart lol. then when i looked up at the library window his FRIENDS were watching and i was horrified lmao. he was still always someone i considered safe after our separation, and i always had a little spot for him in my heart long after everything ended. later, in my early 20s we did reconnect for a time and had a physical relationship but it never really went anywhere beyond that, we were both still young and navigating our lives. we remained friends and he ended up with a woman who he had a baby with, i ended up in a relationship of five years. i sort of dropped off the face of the world for a bit and lost touch with a lot of my old friends i grew up with until recently. i remade facebook and we found each other on there immediately and started talking again a lot. i told him about all the shit id recently been through and he told me about where he was at in his life and honestly i thought he was still indifferent towards me until about a week ago. we fucked in his car, lol. the chemistry was unreal from literally the first kiss on and we spent the rest of the week together. he took me to the movies to see pearl, bought me dinner, bought me a dnd collectors edition of a source book i wanted?! that i mentioned literally once?)?? i spent every night sleeping at his house where he held me all night and just showered me with affection. he texts me the cutest shit in the WORLD telling me that i was always the one that got away, and how happy he is to have another chance. and i trust him. i feel safe with him. ive known him for half my life and he still gives me butterflies like im 16.

Brianna Turner knew something was up when her bedroom door flew open around 7 a.m. CT Thursday and her mom rushed in, waking her up.

It wasn't bad news, however.

"BG's free! BG's free!" Turner's mom yelled.

Still in bed and hardly awake, Turner wasn't sure what she was hearing.

"Am I dreaming?" she asked.

Then the Phoenix Mercury forward opened Twitter and saw national outlets confirming the news that teammate Brittney Griner had been freed from Russian custody after 294 days in a high-profile U.S.-Russia prisoner exchange.

"I honestly thought I was dreaming still," said Turner, who's staying with her parents in Texas while she's back from playing overseas in Turkey. "I was confused. Like, it was utter shock.

"I hopped on social media, we turned on the TV and, yeah, all the news stations were like, 'Breaking news, Breaking news.'"

Turner's grandmother actually saw it first, calling as soon as she saw Griner had been released. "So, thank God my grandma was up early watching the news," Turner said.

She quickly took a screenshot of a reporter's tweet confirming Griner's release and sent it in a group chat to fellow teammates Kia Nurse and Shey Peddy with the message: "Oh my gosh guys." As word broke and eventually spread throughout the day, many members of the Mercury franchise had similar reactions. Tears were shed, mouths dropped agape, texts were sent. Lots of texts.

In Phoenix, Mercury president Vince Kozar also awoke to the news when the second of two calls from future Hall of Famer Diana Taurasi finally roused him. The first thing Kozar did was cry.

"To say it's been a cloud doesn't even really capture it," he said. "I think I probably feel like everybody feels -- tremendous relief. It's certainly a celebration. I guess a little bit of disbelief waiting for it to fully hit.

"I didn't know the next time any of us were going to see her again."

Kozar fought tears as he sat at his desk at home writing the statement the Mercury would eventually release, and when he saw Phoenix Suns star Devin Booker share the statement on Instagram. He eventually made it to the office at Footprint Center around 10 a.m. MT. He had work to get to: among other things, ensuring Griner has everything she needs for her return to Phoenix -- the city, not the team -- whenever that happens.

"We're not thinking about basketball," Kozar said. "Our main concern is her, and -- as I've told people before -- if she never plays another game of basketball, another minute of WNBA basketball again, we will still love her and care for her all the same, and nothing about how we feel about her or what she means to us, or this city or her family or any of that will change."

Outside the Footprint Center, however, were few signs of the Griner news. A maintenance crew was putting up lights around palm trees. A man shot video of the BG42 sign adorning the outside of the arena. Suns employees streamed into work mid-morning after a loss to the Boston Celtics the night before.

Two groups of Jehovah's Witnesses greeted folks as they walked by on the sidewalk and offered them pamphlets. Outside the arena is one of their regular spots to post up because of the heavy foot traffic. They figured out Griner had been released when a local news crew arrived and started interviewing people on the street.

But by and large, it was business as usual in downtown Phoenix. People strolled through the plaza in front of the arena while others got in a mid-morning run. Lunch hour was just beginning. And a few Griner fans made their way to the arena.

Danae McKnight is a 33-year-old who moved to Phoenix three years ago from Florida with her wife. They knew no one in the area and bought Mercury season tickets as a way to find a community, McKnight explained while standing in front of a Black Lives Matter mural that features Griner on the side of the Footprint Center. McKnight said they watched Griner be "unapologetically herself."

"That's something that a lot of people, including myself, struggle with," said McKnight, who wore a "We Are BG" T-shirt. "It took me years to figure out who I was and to accept that, because there's so much fear with the LGBT community and coming out that you feel like you have to hide yourself or you feel concerned.

"... Just the confidence that she has, and she just knows who she is and she just wants to be that and it's inspiring. It's taught me that it's OK to be me."

McKnight bawled when her wife told her Griner was coming home, and knew she wanted to come to the Footprint Center.

"It just felt like the right place to be," McKnight said choking back tears. "This has really impacted me a lot more than I thought it would. I'm married and I can only imagine my wife being away from me for almost 300 days, and it's really personal to me."

Turner is in Austin, about 90 miles from San Antonio, where Griner landed at Joint Base San Antonio-Lackland on Friday. She wants to give Griner space and privacy as she adapts to her old, yet new life.

Turner joked that she's close enough to drive over and wave at Griner through the gates.

"I'm sure hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to maybe talk to her, figure something out," Turner said.

Kozar, who had over 300 unread text messages by lunchtime, also is hoping to see Griner "soon," but only on her timeline, whether it's in Arizona or in her home state of Texas.

"I and everyone around here who just has been desperate for nine months to give her a hug is going to follow her lead on when she wants to see people and when she wants to leave the house and when she wants to go to the grocery store and when she wants to go to a Suns game," he said.

The mood around the Mercury's and Suns' offices was celebratory all day, Kozar said. The Mercury players and coaches he talked to throughout the morning were experiencing a combination of disbelief and joy. Their teammate, their friend who they had talked about, lobbied for, campaigned for for almost a year, was on her way home.

"When you talk about missing a family member, missing a piece of your culture, missing a piece of someone who you have a personal relationship -- she's made you laugh, she's made you feel better, she's picked you up, she's helped you connect with other people -- we've been missing that," Kozar said. "So the idea of that returning, completely separate from basketball, is just really, really joyous."

When Kozar talked to Mercury coach Vanessa Nygaard on Thursday, she had just finished physical therapy to treat a back injury she suffered while surfing. When he mentioned her "poor back," Kozar said Nygaard responded: "Nothing hurts today."

While the focus is on Griner's safety and well-being, and helping her readjust to society, her basketball future wasn't too far from Kozar's mind. One thing Kozar learned through all the letters he and Griner exchanged was that it wasn't just her freedom, family and friends that were taken away from her. So was, as she calls it, hoop.

"We'll follow her lead, we'll do whatever she wants," he said. "Part of the joy that she's brought to people is how she plays and the way she plays and who she is when she plays.

"And I'd be lying if I didn't say there was some kind of anticipation or excitement about the idea that everyone would get to experience that again, but that's not what matters most."

The William's Effect

I am conflicted with the title of the movie for a few points I considered.  I felt the obvious as most people may have when seeing the title of the film, that their father should receive recognition for the example and passionate work ethic he instilled in them as well as it gives a spotlight to the Black male who historically is overlooked as a positive participant or catalyst in the success of their children.       From my perspective as a lover of film and beginning my career in the field, I feel the film was more of a vehicle for Actor Will Smith who has been chasing an oscar for the last decade, and this is the role which would've brought him that success. I would've love to have seen the title be: The Williams Sisters of something to that affect.

2. I feel the movie gives a glimpse as to what they endured and experienced together as tow young black women growing up in one of if not the most dangerous cities in the United States, but I;m sure there are moments, we are not privy to which show the lines between their love for one another and the fierce competition that can occur between sisters-especially sisters in the public eye, in one of the toughest sports in history. Their dedication to the sport and the way they show up for one another by being present in competitions with their families, is an example for everyone to follow.

3. I was aware of the Williams sisters when I was in high school. I remember their beautiful beaded braids and thinking how amazing they will be as role models for girls of all races because the represented a strength and intelligence not just as young black girls but for young women. Serena has surpassed Tom Brady and is labeled THE G.O.A.T. because she is a woman that did...all...that on the court and at home and in business. 

4. Their disruption of tennis by challenging calls, using their voice by representing their faith, their persona for their culture and tastes in fashion and design changed the way people watched and enjoyed the game. Everyone has a favorite Serena outfit. Mine is the sparkly black ballerina tutu look she wore for the U.S. Open. She appeared on the court in a bejeweled cropped sports jacket, layered over her matching tennis dress with sheer sleeves and a detachable black-and-gold glittered train. She looked like a true queen.

She wore a headband designed by Nike—and black PE NikeCourt Flare 2 sneakers embellished with diamond-encrusted Swooshes, shoelaces, and diamond deubré shoelace tags from her own brand She didn't forget the bling either (solid gold, 400 2.0-carat diamonds, and black ceramic, and that spell out QUEEN and MAMA). 

5. The camaraderie within the family of the sisters and their family showed how they were able to conquer the challenges of gender bias, racism and the tribulations that come with growing up, with the added pressure of doing it in front of an international microscope. 

6. Their faith passed onto them through their parents, through the faith of Jehovah's Witness, I feel gives us a glimpse into how deeply rooted her mother is in her position as a loving mother and guardian to keeping her family unit closely knitted together through the teachings of Jehovah God who the sisters thank after they win a match. Historically we are taught through film, books etc. that the women in Greek mythology are represented visually by fair skinned ethereal women who were created to be aspirational-feared, desired and  lusted after by men and women. The Williams sisters stepped into these roles and reinvented this myth of meritocracy.  They are not equal to their white counterparts who play the same game and had to break the myths of what it means to be a "lady" on the court and in business. They are not fair skinned, slim, floating Goddesses that fly through the air with grace and ease casting spells. They are real women who we watched have developing bodies, that are strong, athletic-built for a sport in which they need to be agile and have endurance in order to win. They scream, sweat, argue, bander, cuss and dispel the myth of the Greek and Roman goddess.              Again, I wish there were a movie which highlighted their performance and bond solely to show these dimensions of their womanhood. 

6. I think the mother portrayed in the film is a loving supportive character to the girls and the father that fought hard to create the brand that will become Serena and Venus. Yet again the film is more to highlight the dynamic between the father and the girls and his passion for creating what we as spectators see today.  

7. With the help of athletes like Serena and Naomi, being vulnerable speaking about their challenges in the areas of family planning, mental health, it has paved the way for many other athletes to break the stigma of remaining silent in order to continue the perception of being fearless and indestructible.

Infant mortality in the Latina and Black culture is not addressed enough or included when we talk about family planning. Serena has addressed women's issues such as family planning and her battles with anxiety and depression in support of fellow tennis player Naomi Osaka's share that she battles with depression. By offering this and shining a light on this issue, it has allowed the conversation to be acceptable in the sports industry. She had helped to dispel the myth that athletes must "suck it up" at all costs and be warriors at all times. 

ReplyForward

In a few hours I'm gonna come out of the closet to my parents. Please, give me some words of encouragement 'cause I really need it rn 💛

(just in case someone wants to know more about my situation, it's all in the tags)

So anyways. I dreamed that I was at a party at DQ, and Wes Weston was there, gossiping. At first it was about one of his ex-girlfriends messed with everyone’s location data to get them all in trouble (he would not go into exact details, and used a ridiculous amount of filler words so it took him years to get to the point). (I still have no idea what the modified locations got them in trouble for) But then he started talking about his sister, and how he used to be a Jehovah’s Witness and was still getting used to the whole thing, (which is why he isn’t using any serious curses, but even so he’s “cursing” practically nonstop) and he keeps changing tables and talking shit about his sister’s love life. Which of course sucked because her family were Jehovah’s Witnesses and that causes all kinds of problems in that sector. And he has no issue going into detail anymore. Holds nothing back. I’m having trouble keeping up with him because he won’t stop moving. He is telling Everyone about this. A-listers from my old school, a-listers from Casper High, everyone. Eventually he decides to show me something, and drives me like 20 minutes away. I tell him it’s getting late and I want to drive my car home so my parents don’t get suspicious. And he’s all like “I don’t want to drive all the way back, my house is around here and we’ve been driving for long enough”. So he kicks me out of the car at like 12:23 AM and expects me to walk home. And then drives off. Leaving me alone, in the dark, in front of an RV park my dad used to work for. And miracle of miracles, my mom drives out of it and sees me. And immediately asks where my car is. And I cannot tell her “at a party, and I’m here because I accepted a ride from someone else” because that would cause Problems. So many problems. So instead, I tell her “Oh it’s nothing”. She continues grilling me about the car and Why I Am Out In The Middle Of Nowhere At This Hour. And then the dream suddenly became about a cow in a maid costume terrorizing the local grocery store, and Harrison Ford encouraging it to become an alcoholic.

I was not a good Witness and that’s a good thing.

When I was in, I thought I was a bad JW for things I could not control. I had poor physical health since I was a teenager and my mental health suffered because of that. I became a publisher as a tween but my hours were lacking because I could not do more than an hour a week and I did not get “return visits” or bible studies because of my severe social anxiety. I did not comment in the meetings and I had to eventually remove my self from the ministry school for the same reason.

All of those things did not make me a bad Witness. Those things were me being human and doing the best I could despite my circumstances. Now that I am out, I can see that I should not have felt ashamed nor have been made to feel guilty about it.

Here, though, are a list of things that did make me bad Jehovah’s Witness and why I think it was a good thing.

• I didn't like giving people the JW version of life after death.

A few years ago the organization updated the tracts they produced. Before they were square and had a trifold design. They had several paragraphs about whatever the front cover said it was about. Typical religious stuff. Life, death, how Jesus can save us. It was something you could give someone on the fly while out and about or to someone who said they didn't have any time to talk. The new ones are a little different. Same info, just a different format. More colorful and eye catching. Folded in half and with less info, only a couple of scriptures and sentences.

As I got older, I became increasingly uncomfortable with giving out the ones about suffering and death. I was especially uncomfortable with the ones about death. A witness will read this and think: “Why would anyone be uncomfortable with telling someone about our hope for the future.” That's why, because it is our hope, your hope. I would always think, what if we gave that tract to someone who had just lost someone. They're in the middle of grieving and you want them to contemplate an entirely new belief in the afterlife. They may already have a really strong belief that brings them comfort but then you tell them that they're wrong, and show them a couple of scriptures why they're wrong. That could devastate someone.

I know this isn't always the case. Since I was a child, I've heard stories of people who lost a loved one and then were visited by witnesses and were comforted by the witnesses version of what happens after we die and what we have to look forward to past that. But it's not like you're gonna hear a person talk about how they in-fact were not comforted, when they're giving their life experience in the Kingdom Hall. You could not look me in the eye and tell me with absolute certainty that it did not ever hurt someone.

Witnesses think that everything they believe is an absolute fact and that everybody would want to hear what they have to share. They cannot even fathom for a second that someone else may actually be happier with their current belief system and their beliefs may make someone upset.

• I didn't believe in paradise.

When you’re a child, you believe everything your parents tell you. With kids outside the organization, they’re told that Santa and the Easter Bunny is real but then kids grow up and they realize for themselves what’s real or not. Not so when it comes to witnesses.

When you’re a kid as a witnesses you’re told about this paradise and it’s nice to believe in. Who doesn’t want to play all day without worrying about anything or being able to pet lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh my.

However, when you grow up you realize the reality of the situation and you just have to be comfortable with all the implications of it.

Witnesses are a doomsday cult. They probably wouldn’t like that descriptor but it’s the truth. I might go into it further in a another post but for now, I’ll just give a brief summery. They believe that in an indeterminate future, Jesus and the angels will kill everybody on earth except Jehovah’s Witnesses and then it will be paradise. So, if you have family, nice neighbors you talk to frequently, and innocent children who aren’t witnesses, they will not make it. Think about it, there are currently close to 8 billion people on earth and there are only 8 million witnesses. Close to 8 billion people will die, just like that. Innocent people, just because they didn't believe the same things as a group of 8 million people.

I think this belief is just awful. When I was in the organization, I think I just tried to ignore it completely and didn’t even think about it to keep myself sane.

• I had political opinions.

Now this one is a doozy and something that I still struggle with, being partially sheltered from most things, especially of the political nature. But you can’t be kept away from everything and my family were not the type of witnesses that didn’t have a TV and us kids were allowed to watch anything age appropriate. (Well, we weren’t allowed to watch a few things but we weren’t extreme. That might be another interesting thing to post about.) So, things filtered through but not enough that I feel that even now, as an adult, I have an completely informed opinion on a lot of different ideas. But, I’m getting there. Hopefully.

I think, however, I was informed enough about a few topics. Like, racism and feminism. These were dirty words in the organization.

You see, on the surface, the organization could look pretty progressive. (Ignoring the blatant homophobia.) On paper they paint a pretty picture. But if you’ve lived through the organization's actual stances of these things, you’d realize that’s not actually true.

When if comes to racial inclusion, you’ll read in the books they publish, that God is impartial and that God does not favor one race, ethnicity or nationality over another. We’re taught not to have a nationalistic view of one’s country because we’re all God’s children on Earth. We’re even suppose to take a stand against drafting in the military, if we’re ever called to that, because we’re supposed to view everyone as a brother under God and how could one go to war against your brother.

But you’re also supposed to be politically neutral. So if you were to agree with the sentiment that there is a problem with police brutality currently in America, then that could get you in trouble. You would be told that you are creating division and that that is a politically held belief and we do not hold political beliefs.

When I was still in the organization, I got into an argument with someone I worked with who is a Jehovah’s Witness. It was around the time of the BLM protests. I tried to be carefully with what I said because like I said, I could get in to trouble. However, I got so frustrated with the things he was saying that eventually, I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. I straight up asked him if he thought de-segregation was a bad thing, because that decision came from the direct result of the protests lead by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I asked him if he was okay with the fact that black people wouldn’t be working along side him, if segregation was still in effect right now. He kept trying to skirt around the question because obviously he couldn’t say he was okay with segregation but he also couldn’t agree with the protesters either.

It’s so twisted.

• I thought it was okay for other people to worship however they wanted.

I never could wrap my head around the witnesses disdain for how other people worshiped in their faith. For multiple reasons.

First, just like many witnesses who are born in, many other people in other religions were also born in to their faith. It is the only way they now how to worship. They were taught by their parents from a young age. If someone came up to a witness and told them, “By the way, the way you’ve worshiped God since you were a child is wrong and you’re gonna be punished because of it.” They would be offended. Well, no. They would probably take it as a challenge. To prove why they are the only ones in the entire world who worships the correct way. As if there is such a thing.

That’s the other reason why I couldn’t understand. I always thought it was presumptuous for any one person to claim with absolute certainty that their religion was the true religion and therefore, everything they believed and did for that religion was correct. I respect that they have the right to worship however they felt was right. However, even if you believe truly in your heart that you had everything figured out. That you found God and now you know that the way you’re going to live your life from now on out would be the correct way. You still would give other people the courtesy to have the same thing that you have and to recognize that even if you whole-heartedly believe, there would be no way for you to 100% certain. Maybe 99%, but never 100%.

So that’s it. There are many other things that made me bad bad witness but I’m proud of all of them. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe they have the moral high ground in everything they believe in but they don’t.

“I can tell you’re upset. Do you need anything right now?” for (platonic) Alex and Reggie?

cuddle dialogue prompts  ( accepting!! )                                        ( read on ao3! )

Alex’s friends don’t come over to his house anymore.

It’s a weird change, because they used to. Bobby’s garage has always been home base, but the boys used to go over to Luke’s or Alex’s just as often; and when things at Luke’s started to get weird, tense, like a powder keg on the verge of erupting, Alex’s doors were always open. His parents were friendly, if a bit overbearing. They didn’t even seem to mind the mess his friends brought with them, or the noise, or the inevitable chaos; they just liked seeing Alex hang out with other “boys his age”. Their cabinets were always well-stocked with Girl Scout cookies, and Alex’s little sister (the aforementioned Girl Scout) was a pest, in a way he didn’t really mind. 

The guys seemed to...  like it at his house, for some reason — and yeah, that filled his chest with bubbles and made him feel like coming off the high of a drum solo. Alex liked to be liked. He liked that his place could be somewhere his friends felt safe... even if they all conscientiously toned down the casual physical affection when Alex’s parents were around.

Ever since he came out, though... things have changed.

Everything’s changed, and his friends not coming over anymore is the least of it.

The biggest change is, he’s no longer welcome at church. Pastor Hamilton made that very clear with his final sermon — a fire and brimstone rant against the ‘sins of sodomy and perversion’. Alex sat there for an hour, boiling in his own skin, as the eyes of the rest of his congregation bore into him. He couldn’t get out of the building fast enough... and after that, swore never to go back. He wouldn’t be welcome, anyways.

There was no chance of his parents missing the yearly church retreat, though — and Christina has been looking forward to a camping trip for ages, so Alex doesn’t resent how eagerly she clambered in the family station wagon. She barely waved goodbye, too busy cramming her bags in the trunk; his parents, predictably, didn’t say anything at all. They trust Alex not to burn the house down in their absence, at least, so he’ll consider that a compliment.

Alex almost wishes he was bothered. If he were — if such blatant rejection from his family actually stung, if he could stew in his own hurt feelings and resent how quickly they pulled out of the driveway — then maybe it would actually matter. (Maybe it’d mean he’s a good son after all.) 

Alex is a lot of things, though, but he’s never been good at lying to himself.

An entire weekend home alone, with no one but the dogs to keep him company? Honestly, it sounds like heaven.

By nine o’clock at night, he’s well and truly deep in this teenage rebellion thing. He’s got Sixteen Candles queued up on the DVR, has his legs up on the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and an entire bottle of Fanta threatening to stain his mother’s precious white carpet. There’s something to be said for living on the edge; he relishes every second of doing something forbidden, fueled by the thought of his parents’ faces if they could see him. Just imagining their horror is sweet; almost as sweet as Molly Ringwald’s bubblegum-pop fashion statements. 

The night stretches before him like a promise, calm and comfortable. He’s free to be himself in his own home. It shouldn’t feel as amazing as it does, because it shouldn’t be a novelty... but considering nowadays, Alex feels more like an intruder, he’ll take what he can get.

His first sign of anything amiss is the sound of barking from the front hall. Alex sits up, dislodging the bowl of popcorn from his lap. He scrambles to catch it before it can go everywhere. After a few more seconds of fumbling, he pauses the movie, and springs to his feet.

“You guys! I swear —“

As he trudges into the foyer, he’s thoroughly unsurprised at what he finds. Zoey, giant maniac that she is, is literally bouncing off the front door. She hits, rebounds, and is immediately back at it, scratching at the wood and barking her head off. A few steps behind her, Cooper hovers, his tail hung low. When he spots Alex, he lets out a relieved whine, and paces a circle around the foyer. Alex — who gets it, really, weird noises at the door are even more nerve-wracking than surprise phone calls — gives him a soothing scratch on the head. Cooper glues himself to his side, and Alex keeps one hand on his collar as he steps towards the door.

“Someone out there, girl?”

Zoey hurls herself bodily against the front door. She hits like a wrecking ball. From the other side, Alex hears a noise — somewhere between a gasp and a  “Whoa!”

He knows for a fact he didn’t order pizza; the neighbors are the “keep to yourselves” types; and the Jehovah’s Witnesses are like reverse vampires, never seen outside of daylight hours. There shouldn’t be  anyone at the door. A shiver of anxiety runs down Alex’s neck… but it’s drowned out by irritation at just how loud Zoey’s being. “Hey, hey,” Alex exclaims, hauling her back as she makes another jump towards the door. “Cut it out! Get outta here!”

He’s too busy wrestling with the dogs to be nervous when he throws the door open. (Worst case scenario, he can just let go of their collars, and sic them; let the dogs drown any potential burglars to death in kisses.) The face that greets him on the other side is… unexpected.

“Heya!” Reggie pulls his hand back from the doorknob, and offers a tiny wave. “What’s up, man?”

Zoey answers the question with a running leap.

Reggie’s ready for her. He hits the deck, arms open wide — and when she barrels him over, his whoop of delight rings through the quiet neighborhood. Alex grits his teeth, glancing anxiously around the street. His neighbors mind their own business, but that doesn’t mean they want to be disturbed in the middle of the night; this isn’t Reggie’s neighborhood, where sirens and bonfires are raging at all hours. Of course, though, Reggie has no concept of quiet… and he loses all self-control whenever dogs are involved. He’s too busy rolling around on the porch, ambushed by two giant golden retrievers, to notice anything else.

Alex leans against the doorframe, taps his feet, and sighs. He’s just starting to examine the calluses on his palms when Reggie finally emerges from the literal dogpile. “I know it’s late — I woulda called first, but — aaah, Zoey, that tickles!”

His screeches ring out like sirens, and Alex’s neighbors are  definitely going to call the cops if this keeps up. Alex has to cut in. Wrestling one dog back inside, and then the other, he hauls Reggie to his feet just as swiftly. “Come in then, quick,” he mutters. “Did you come here exclusively to steal my dogs?”

“Alex, I swear, you’re the one I wanted to see the most. Stealing your dogs is just... a fun side quest.” Reggie strides in like he owns the place. As the door closes behind him, he glances around the foyer. “Home alone, huh?”

“Yeah,” Alex replies. “It’s been fun.”

“I bet.” Reggie dodges another jump from Zoey, nearly tripping over Cooper. The dogs both recognize him, even though it’s been ages since he was last here;  animals and Reggie get along like pizza and pepperoni. If he really wanted to steal the Mercers’ dogs, it wouldn’t be a challenge. Thankfully, Reggie’s parents have a hard and fast “no pets” rule, and stick to it. (Reggie was able to hide an injured squirrel in his closet for a whole  three weeks  before anyone caught on — after it got loose, chewed through the wires of the family TV, and wreaked havoc in the kitchen. His parents still don’t know how it got in the house, but Reggie spent weeks mourning the loss of his “Beloved Frank”.)

As Reggie hits the ground on his knees, enthusiastically petting both dogs at once, Alex tucks his hands into his pockets. He’s not used to feeling nervous around his best friends… but suddenly, he’s on unstable ground, unsure of what to do. It’s just Reggie… but it’s Reggie in his house, where Alex’s friends, Alex’s life, are no longer welcome. It’s just Reggie showing up in the middle of the night, without any warning… and he’s acting fine, sure, but this also isn’t like him. Alex’s instincts are thrumming with a sense of wrong, wrong. He can’t help frowning as he steps back, watching his friend play.

Reggie feels his gaze. He ignores it.

“Who’s a good girl? Oh, yeah, you’re the  best  girl, yeah —“

Alex clears his throat. Reggie ignores that, too.

“Come on, Cooper, gimme a kiss — there you go! Did ya miss your old pal Reggie? I missed you!”

Enough is enough. Alex turns to the switch on the wall. The foyer is suddenly flooded with bright light, sparkling through the crystal fixtures overhead. Reggie falls back and blinks rapidly, entire face scrunching up against the glare. When his eyes adjust, he finds Alex crouched at his side.

“Not to be all ‘what are you doing in my house, Reg’, but…” Alex reaches over and pats Cooper’s head. “What are you doing here?”

Reggie’s blank stare lingers on him for a beat too long— a quarter of a second, but still, it’s the only giveaway Alex needs. 

“Just visiting! I knew you were home alone… figured you might want some company.” His friend grins, like everything’s normal, just another wild antic in the life of Reggie… but Alex knows better.

“Okay, that’s real generous, but…”

He drags the word out for a few seconds too long. Somehow, his brain gets stalled on Reggie’s face; the strain at the edges of his smile, the dark circles under his eyes. His eyes are a little puffy — he’s been crying. He holds onto Zoey, not just like he’s happy to see her, but like he needs her — needs something soft and comforting to ground him.

Reggie rode his bike all the way to Alex’s house in the middle of the night. He wouldn’t have done that without a good reason.

Alex sighs, and scratches behind Cooper’s ears. When he looks back up at Reggie, his smile is small, but Reggie’s clearly reassured by it nonetheless. “Yeah, you’re right. Things were getting pretty lonely around here.” Alex nudges his shoulder. “You feel like some popcorn?”

Reggie bounds to his feet. “Always!”

“We can finish watching the best John Hughes movie, and then I’ll generously  give you next pick…”

Reggie’s no fan of the classic 80s teen romances, but he’ll suffer through them for Alex’s sake. Alex, in return, has seen Star Wars fourteen times.  He honestly couldn’t care less about defending the galaxy, or whatever Mark Hamill’s trying to do with the long stick and the gross robes… but it makes Reggie happy, and for that, it’s worth it.

So he’s surprised when, instead of insisting on  A New Hope, Reggie buries his face in Alex’s most comfortable blanket, and murmurs something Alex barely catches.

“What?” Reggie doesn’t answer. “Dude, you’ve got to speak up, I can’t — did I not tell you to keep the popcorn in your mouth?” He snatches a few kernels out of Reggie’s lap before they can fall into the cushions and get lost forever. When he looks up again, Reggie’s cheeks are bright red. Alex nudges him in the shoulder again, prompting him to speak up.

“It’s just — uhh—“ Reggie shrugs. “Don’t really feel like Star Wars tonight.”

Alex’s brows shoot up. “Oh… kay. What do you want to watch, then?”

Reggie clears his throat, and studiously doesn’t look Alex in the eye. “Could we watch the Wizard of Oz maybe?”

Alex stares at him; after a few seconds, he snorts. Reggie’s head snaps toward him, indignant in a second.

“It’s a classic, okay? Iconic cinema! You can’t get any better than Judy Garland, and tell me the Wicked Witch didn’t scare your pants off as a kid! And, and, and the flying monkeys are crazy cool, and—“

“You’re such a dork,” Alex scoffs. 

Reggie’s cheeks flood with heat; he looks down again, picking the blankets with his chewed-up fingernails. “Am not,” he mutters — and that’s Alex’s third clue something’s really up.

Second clue: Reggie will never pass up a chance to watch Star Wars. It’s always his top pick… so, for him to choose a kid’s movie instead, he must need something familiar. Something comforting. Something where the ending is a foregone conclusion.

And a Reggie who doesn’t bounce back from Alex’s sharp edged comments like a rubber-band ball is clearly in one heck of a bad way.

Alex’s smile slowly fades. He leans forward on the couch, elbows on his knees, and studies Reggie sideways. When his friend refuses to look up, he nudges their knees together. When he still avoids him — as stubborn as Cooper at the groomers, god  — Alex inches closer to him, pressing their shoulders together.

“Okay,” he says, “what’s up?”

Reggie finally looks up at him, but it’s no victory. His eyes are wide and guilty. “Wh— what?”

“What’s going on, Reg?”

Reggie shrinks back from him… but there’s nowhere to go. Caught between Alex’s body and the couch, he settles for burrowing further into the blanket. He looks like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar… who’s expecting to get spanked for it.

“Nothing,” he mutters. “Nothing, man.” The way he hunches in on himself gives the game away, even if his miserable face didn’t. Alex’s stomach twists. “I just wanted to hang out, I just thought — didn’t want you to be lonely, I mean, it gets quiet here, in a big house all alone, and I know you get nervous, so I just thought maybe, but if you want me to go I’ll g—"

“Reggie.”

His voice breaks through the tidal wave of thought, somehow. Reggie goes still and silent, frowning down at his lap. When Alex lays a hand on his shoulder, he reluctantly looks at him.

“I can tell you’re upset, that’s all,” Alex says… and, as a flicker of something absolutely exhausted passes through Reggie’s eyes, the decision is made for him. “I’m not gonna press. I don’t need you to tell me anything, Reg, but I don’t want you to go.” He pauses, considers, and rubs his hand over Reggie’s shoulder. “Do you need anything?”

“I—“ Reggie exhales a shuddering breath, and shakes his head. “No. I’m, uhh, I’m… good.”

It’s hardly convincing… but Alex suspects it's the best he’s going to get.

Which is okay, because Reggie’s right here. They have the entire house to themselves for the night… and Alex has the Wizard of Oz on cassette tape.

Alex’s house can be a safe place, just for tonight, and that seems like what Reggie needs most of all.

Alex digs the movie out of their cabinet, and pops it in the VCR. As he sits down on the couch once again, curling up at Reggie’s side, he considers his mother’s suede couches — the pride and joy of their living room, which she dotes over and vacuums religiously every Tuesday. The Mercers have a lot of house rules, but Rule Number Two (after No Gays Allowed!) is Don’t Mess Up The Couch.

Alex glances at Reggie, raises his brows, and taps the leather couch three times in quick succession.

“Zoey! Cooper! Up!”

They don’t even have time to brace themselves. All at once, Alex and Reggie are buried under twin lumps of golden fur… and Reggie’s laughter might be the sweetest sound Alex has ever heard.

As the movie starts, and the dogs settle down — Cooper with his head in Alex’s lap, Zoey flopped practically on top of Reggie — a quiet contentment settles between them. The anxiety humming underneath Reggie’s skin quiets so much that Alex can’t hear it anymore… and, in turn, Alex’s own nerves find some peace.

“I’m glad you’re here, Reg,” he says softly, tucking an arm around Reggie’s shoulders. 

“I’m glad you are, too,” Reggie murmurs,.

It might not be exactly what he needs — him, and dogs, and cozy blankets and comfort movies — but as Reggie curls into him with a sigh, Alex hopes it’s enough.

Survey #506

(from yesterday)

If applicable, who was the first person you "came out" to? Sara. What's one thing you'd like to do more? Draw and read. :/ What was your style in high school? I was one o' them emo kids. What's one thing you are jealous of that other people got to do but you didn't? A truly happy time as a teenager/young adult. Do you own a camera tripod? I do. What is your newest hobby? Well, I'm trying to get into digital art, but learning to draw on a tablet is really difficult for me. Ever suffer from amnesia? When I fainted out of the shower and got my concussion, I had a brief period where I couldn't remember it happening, and I was hysterical. It really scared me to not remember something that I physically experienced like a minute ago. What instrument do you prefer to play when playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero WT? I only ever played the guitar. Have you ever picked out a song to listen to on a juke box? No. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day? Holy shit, no. Are there in portraits/figurines in your house that you find creepy? No. Sprite, 7up, Sierra Mist, or Mountain Dew? Oh, Mountain Dew wins easily. Do you like hot sauce? If yes, what do you usually put it on? Ohhh yes. I love hot wings, for one, and I also enjoy dipping chicken nuggets in it, sometimes fries, and I even like it on jalapeno pizza, but I haven't done that mix in years. Does yard work bore you, or do you enjoy it? Never done it, never want to. Do you own a sleeping bag? I don't think so. I could never, ever sleep on the floor again anyway, not with my body. I'd wake up incredibly sore, or maybe even not fall asleep. Have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together? Yeah, I loved puzzles when I was younger. My mom and I used to do them together a lot. Has a Jehovah’s Witness ever showed up on your doorstep? Yes. So awkward. Can you make yourself cry on purpose? No. Do you have a step parent? A stepmother, yes. Are you biracial? No. Are you afraid of plane rides? Not really. Do you like mac n' cheese or ramen better? Mac 'n cheese, for sure. Do you own any of those thick rubber bracelets with words on them? I have a few from my high school days; the only one coming to mind right now though is a black one that has "to write love on her arms" written in blue. Is your hair curly or straight? It's wavy. Do you have any moles? None of those that are actual bumps that rise up a bit, just brown freckles of varying sizes. Do you have lots of acne? I have none anymore; went away when puberty did. Do you have a retainer glued to the back of your teeth? I have a short metal one that's just on my front few teeth on the bottom jaw. Do you watch Adult Swim? No. Quite honestly most shows I've seen on there are dumb imo. Adventure Time? Also no. I just don't really watch TV. Please, tell me, you've played any kind of Mario game. I've played Mario Kart, the baseball one, as well as the classic game when I was so young that I can barely remember, when I went up to visit Dad's family. Do you like Nickelback? "I do. I don’t understand why it’s considered 'uncool' to like them." <<<< Biiiig same. Like I legitimately like a load of their songs. Do you live on a farm? No. I could NEVER handle the maintenance. Do you think the way you live is really okay? No. My lifestyle is not healthy. Have you ever felt fire? I've never actually touched it, no. What would you do if your first love asked you back out? No. I'm happy with who I'm with now, and I'm not signing back up for disaster when I have my depressive episodes. Do you have a talent that you don’t do anything with? You could argue that I neglect my writing skill, since I use it only for RP. People who know me say all the time I need to actually do something with it. Which parent do you respect the most? I have to hand it to my mom. Who do you want with you when you’re scared? It's always been my mom. I'm honestly kinda a baby about this; if I'm scared of even something pretty stupid, I want my mom. Have you ever owned anything illegal? No. How do you feel about vegetarians? I wish I could be them. What is your favorite vampire-related movie? I don't know. Does Mommy still do your laundry? Well yes, because she likes to do our clothes together. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't have a clue. Fears usually win. Have you ever had a sinus infection? Yes. What’s the best part about Halloween in your opinion? The decorations. Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? Sadly. My father's vice was alcohol until sometime after the divorce, and hell, I'm addicted to the computer. Global warming: real or fake? I cannot believe this is even a question. The proof is fucking everywhere. Where’s your favorite place to buy books? Amazon's the easy way to go. What was the last creepy movie you watched? The Shining, forever ago. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? I enjoy the Resident Evil games, but I very rarely play any. I prefer to just watch let's plays of them (and most games) now. Do you have a pet fish? No. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn.) omGGGGGGGGG yes When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since Sara and I went walking along the path near her house years ago. What’s the best cover song, in your opinion? I don't feel it's possible to beat Disturbed's cover of "Sound of Silence." What does your favorite pair of pajama pants look like? They're black with a nice, clean "Pokemon" print that features Pikachu on the hip. Do you watch any collab channels? Which ones? Off the top of my head, Game Grumps for sure. Arin and Dan are fucking hysterical together. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. Have you tried the Beyond or Impossible Burger? Thoughts? I feel like I've tried one of them, I just can't recall which. It was nothing astonishing, I do remember. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? I want to say IT, the remake from some years ago. Favorite thing to get at McDonald’s? Their fries, ig. Have you ever had an aquarium in your house? Not a full-on aquarium, no. Just little fish tanks from when I was a child. Have you ever been to a gay bar? I've never been to any bar. Do you wear any jewelry that has sentimental meaning to it? I barely ever wear any jewelry besides my lip piercing. Did you prefer Pokemon or Digimon? Pokemon, for sure. I know nothing of the latter, and they don't really interest me. Are you missing any teeth? No. Have you ever been to any of the Great Lakes? I've seen one from a plane when I went up to Illinois. What was/will be your first tattoo? A semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. Do you have any tattoos dedicated to someone special? Yes. Do you shave your legs? I haven't shaved my legs in well over a year, but I'm actually planning on asking for a high-quality razor for my birthday to do so. Part of the reason I don't regularly shave is because my hair is just so stupidly thick that it literally takes around an hour for me to shave, going through two fresh razorblades, and it's just the biggest fucking chore. I want to get back in the habit though only because my legs embarrass the shit out of me if anyone gets so much as a glance. If it weren't for societal standards, then I would totally just say fuck it and leave them alone. What is the next piercing you want to get? Ideally, collarbone dermals, but who knows if I'll ever get at my desired size where the bones are actually prominent again. Realistically, it'll probably be a hoop in my right nostril or an industrial ear piercing. Do you like ghost stories? Hell yeah!! Do you like Gatorade? Noooo. Have you ever lived somewhere that has a fireplace? This current house does. What size mattress do you sleep on? Queen. Are you afraid of the dark? No. What is your favorite kind of juice? Peachy ones. Have you ever written daily in a journal? Every single time I've been in the psych hospital, I've done this. I always found it helpful. I've tried other times, but it never lasted long. Do you like to give people jump-scares? No, that's mean. Some people can't handle those. Do you believe horoscopes are real? Not at all. Do you like romantic movies? If so, what is your favorite? I don't go out of my way to watch them, but I can definitely enjoy them. My favorite is The Notebook. What is your favorite meal to cook? I can't cook. What is your favorite fast food place? Sonic. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? No. What website could you not live without? YouTube. Do you like to do crafts? Not really, no. Where are your ancestors from? Ireland, Germany, and Poland, that we know of. We don't know my dad's ancestry. Have you ever read a book of poetry? No. Have you ever slept nude? Once, accidentally. I just kinda passed out. How many stories tall is your dream house? Well, I don't want children and only want a single spouse, so really, it'll probably just have a single floor. MAYBE a second if I wind up with a huge number of pets (like having a reptile or arachnid room would be cool and convenient), but I highly doubt I'll need a second. I don't want excess space to have to clean anyway. Are you good at working on cars? I've never worked on a car, I haven't the slightest idea what to do with them. Have you ever actually drank warm milk? Well, I use milk in my hot chocolate, if that counts. Just on its own, warm milk sounds disgusting. What is your preferred brand of chocolate? Bro, I don't care. Chocolate is chocolate, lol. Have you been wanting to start watching any shows? Not really. If you could look like any celebrity, which one would it be? Hm, I dunno. There's plenty of gorgeous ladies in the spotlight. Do you have any distinctive birthmarks? Not really. My only birthmark is just a vaguely darker tan on my right forearm. It's barely noticeable. Do you talk to your pets? Bro, what are you even doing if you don't? When you do, is your tone different from when you talk to humans? Duh. Who is a famous person you could see yourself reading an autobiography about? MARK. GET ON IT, MY MAN. What is the best horror movie, in your opinion? I think the original Blair Witch Project is honestly pretty genius. Spoilers, but you never really see anything, and it's amazing at showing how you can freak yourself out over what is unseen. I think the acting is great and genuine, and it's just in general a truly spooky movie. Plus, I'm biased towards "found footage" horror movies. Describe yourself with 3 fictional characters. Alice Liddell, Max Caulfield, and uh Starflight from Wings of Fire. Are there any numbers you dislike for any reason? No. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog)? Yes, cats. Our very first cat, Chance, was a stray; someone found her in a trash can and asked my mom if she wanted her (I don't remember the details of "how" and stuff), so we took her in. One of the smartest, bravest, and loyal cats I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I will always miss her. What’s a movie you think more people should see? Johnny Got His Gun. Both the book and movie are like, mandatory. Do you struggle with dry skin in the winter? I struggle with dry skin year-round. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) I actually took a mythology course in high school, which was one of my favorite classes I've ever taken. We covered pretty much world-wide. If you do, do you have any favourite gods/goddesses? No, but really just because I don't remember them very well at all. Do you ever use bath bombs? I don't take baths. Have you grown to dislike your first email address? I still use my first one, and it's sometimes embarrassing when I have to share it because it doesn't sound "adult-ish." What skill that you have do you make most use of? Writing, I suppose. What songs bring back happy memories for you? Lots, mostly those from my childhood, so surprisingly a lot of country music.

Chase

Summary: Evangelina had to run away from Andy to protect her son from the man  his father was becoming.

Pairing:  OC X Biersack

Genre: Angst, romance, smut later, fantasy. FallenAngel!AU

December 5th, Two Years later, 5:30 PM “We found her sir,” a werewolf named James informed his superior, “She’s changed their names she also dyed her hair black.” Andy sat on his throne his hand beneath his chin as if he were trying to stay awake from such a boring conversation. However it was just the opposite he was actually thrilled that someone had located his missing family. Although he was disappointed to learn that his wife had actually abandoned him while stealing their child as well. “Just out of curiosity what names do they go by?” “Evangelina goes by Amy,” James told his superior who only smirked at this information. “And my son?” Andy asked this time amused and a little curious to know what name she had changed their kid’s name to. “Andrew Junior goes by the name Elijah now.” Andrew frowned he hated that name and he wondered now if Evan had changed AJ’s name to spite him even though he was still unsure why. He loved his wife and son so he was still confused as to why his wife and child had left. He hid his devastation well from his friends and minions but every day that passed by he thought of Evangelina and Andrew Junior. He was very unhappy knowing that when he found his wife he was going to have to have to punish her harshly for her leaving. No one made a fool of the Prophet. No one. That was the whole reason why he fell, he couldn’t be bossed around any longer but someone who was way too forgiving to those who did something that went against the supreme being. “And where are they now James?” Andrew asked finally sitting up fully. “New York City in the borough of Manhattan sir.” “I want my men in the city.” “Yes sir we should be able to surround her building easily—” “No I just want them to watch her for a week or two,” he replied, “I want to make her nervous enough to realize that we actually have found her.” “Yes your highness,” James replied, “We’ll take care of it right away.” “Notify me three days after your arrival,” Andrew ordered, “I will join you in the city after my meeting with the guardians.” “Of course.” The werewolf then bowed his head and exited the room; a norc opening the door for him. Once the creature had left the throne room Andrew turned to his man Jeremy, a fallen angel like himself but with the ability to heal any creature. “Elijah?” he snorted, “Can you believe that?” His friend chuckled, “She had wanted to name AJ that since her first trimester.” “I’m aware.” He mumbled lowly, “Not only did she leave by choice but she had to spite me while doing it.” “Don’t be so sensitive,” Jeremy chided, “She has been located and a few days you will have your family back.” “You’re right,” Andrew sighed before standing to his full 6’4 height, “We better begin with the preparations, we only have a week and my wife is very…particular.” Jeremy laughed and nodded his head, “Always has been.” “Always will be….” Andrew mumbled as he followed his friend from the throne room. *** December 9th 2:30 PM Four days later “Hayden…” I mumbled in to the phone while I played with my cup of tea, “I think he’s found us.” “How do you know?” “I’ve seen two werewolves, a warlock, and I’m entirely sure that I have seen Ashley down on my sidewalk.” “Well that’s a sheer sign if there ever was one,” he told me with a humorless chuckle, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know if I pick up and leave now he’ll be sure to follow us,” I sighed running a hand through my hair, “I have to face him.” “Do you really think that’s going to work?” “What choice do I have?” I asked in return , “Eli keeps asking me about him and why he isn’t like the other kids anyway it’s time to grow up and do what I know I have to.” “Well put Evan I was about to play the inspirational music for you,” he teased me and I rolled my eyes. “Shut up,” I looked over my shoulder when my heightened senses picked up on the tiny pitter patter of my son’s footsteps. “I’ve gotta got Eli’s awake.” “Alright call me before you do anything.” I told him I would before I hung up the phone to turn around before my son came barreling down the hallway seeking me out in our tiny two bedroom apartment. I spread my arms for the fast paced child and swooped him up once he landed. “Oh my darling little cherub,” I chuckled as he snuggled in to my embrace letting a small yawn past his lips, “Are you still tired?” “Nuh uh,” he told me, “I awake now Mommy.” “Are you sure?” “Uh huh!” “Alright then,” I kissed his head, “It’s snack time for my little dude.” “Can I have a cookie?” he asked me sweetly playing with the ends of my hair. “Not right now,” I told him softly, “After dinner.” “Alwight,” he mumbled disappointedly. I smiled as I sat him down in his booster seat once again kissing his blonde head of hair. Why couldn’t my boy look more like me and less like his father? He had his eyes, his hair, his beautiful smile. Absolutely every physical trait that my husband has is reiterated in my son. I loved my son to death, but I despised that every time I looked in to Eli’s eyes I saw Andy. We had so many unresolved issues that I had such terrible resentment towards him. Even now as I contemplated the move I had to make after he actually closed in on us. I wondered if I should cooperate or make it hard on Andrew so it didn’t look like I was up to something? I didn’t know, I was more concerned with how Elijah would react to Andrew and vice versa. It was clear to me that he didn’t remember his father one bit since he always asked me about him and I knew that was bound to piss off his father. I’d cross that bridge when I got there, so I shook the troublesome thoughts away and served my son some sliced apples with a little peanut butter. As soon as I sat down there was a knock on my front door, I hated that our landlord hadn’t got around to fixing the main lock on the building’s door. Those Jehovah’s witnesses are a real pain in the asshole. I pushed my chair away from the table. “Remember the drill my cherub?” I asked my son as I ruffled his blonde curls. He nodded his head as I pulled him out of his booster seat and tucked him under the table to keep him safe, “I hide until you say da magic word.” “That’s right,” I squeezed his small hand, “Mommy will be right back.” He gave me a thumbs up as I continued on to our foyer, I got on my toes to peek out the peephole. I couldn’t see anyone so I poked my head just enough outside the door to see if there was anyone out there. But it came up clean so I closed the door until there was a booted foot caught between my sanctuary and the danger I knew my kid and I were in. I didn’t fight as hard as I should have but I didn’t want to frighten my kid, so slowly I backed away from the door as the booted foot pushed it open wide enough to reveal to me the seraphim I had left behind. He wore a leather jacket with a muscle shirt beneath it, tight black jeans and a devious smile that made all the old feelings come rushing back right where it hurt. I backed up slightly and nervously as I tried to gain as much distance as I could. I would do anything to keep him from touching me. I knew the moment he did it would be all over even with all the repressed anger I had for the seraphim standing in my doorway. “My darling…” his deep voice drawled, “Still as beautiful as ever even with pitch black hair.” “Thanks,” I held down the blush and covered my true feelings with sarcasm, “How’s Juliet?” He chuckled at me, “She’s well the black eye that you gave her healed rather badly.” “That’s nice to hear,” I replied getting a little kick out of the damage I inflicted, “Would you like a matching one?” “Is that anyway to talk to your husband?” “Is that what you are?” I asked sarcastically, “I thought you were a bad decision my parents made.” I saw his jaw twitch in anger and a long time ago I would have swallowed in fear but since I had Elijah my demeanor had changed I had become a protective mamma bear. I would brave fires and hell for my son’s safety. His father was close enough to being hell on earth. I had to learn how to swallow my fears in order to protect my child from his own father. “I like to think I enhanced your life for the better,” he replied after a moment stepping further in to my hallway, closing the door behind him. He looked around my apartment his eyes shifting around to the toddler toys I had placed around my small home. I snorted, “We’ve always been complete opposites even when we were kids.” “That’s obvious considering the downgrade you’ve made,” he openly mocked my two bedroom apartment with a laugh and a look of disgust, “You went from our palace to this little hole in the wall?” “That palace was never my home Andrew and you know it,” I growled at him feeling my wings shift angrily from where they hid in my back. “And I’ve never understood why since I did everything in my power to change everything so that it was to your liking…” “Aesthetically maybe Andy but you never made me feel welcome after you—” “After I what Evangelina?” he questioned him, his eyes turning in to blue fire. “…After you fell.” “Whose fault was that huh?” Andy barked at me losing his temper slightly, “It wasn’t mine that’s for certain.” “Are you serious?” I snapped at him, “I never asked you to follow me down here you did that on your own, the hierarchy sent me with a special request I would have returned to you. You knew that, don’t even try to make me feel like an idiot. You fell because of your lust for power, not because of your love for me, if you even have any.” “If I have any for you?” he snapped at me, “Would I have searched every end of this pathetic realm for you if I had no love for you?” I nodded my head, “I’m a possession that you don’t want to share with anyone.” “No you’ve seen my possessions,” he replied surprisingly calm, “I do not have children with my possessions.” “You have other children?” I asked bitterly, getting ready to throw a marble statue at his head at his admission. “Of course not Evan,” he shook his head, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.” I gave him a dirty look but he continued to back me up in to my own home. “However now that we’re on the subject where is my son?” he asked as he picked up one of Eli’s favorite stuffed animals; his elephant Toby, “If I remember correctly I gave him this toy right after he was born…Toby right?” I nodded my head stiffly. “Hey!” my son cried as he came barreling around my side of the double entry kitchen, I pulled him in to me immediately. He struggled with me but I refused to let him go for his own good. “I told you to hide,” I mumbled in disapproval. “I heard dat man say Toby,” he told me, “I thought you telled him da special word.” “Dat’s my toy Mr.!” Eli told him unhappily, something was brewing inside of Andrew as he looked at our boy. I guess it would be a bit of a shock, he hasn’t seen him two years he has gotten much bigger. “You haven’t taught him to share I see,” Andrew chuckled before approaching my son and I, I tried to put my baby behind me but the strong seraphim wouldn’t allow me to. “Andy—” He shot me a menacing look as he knelt down to my son’s level, “What would you say if I told you I gave you that elephant when you were a tiny baby?” “You gived me Toby?” Andrew smiled a genuine smile, “I did.” “How come?” “Because I’m your Daddy,” the seraphim admitted to our kid who looked unbelievably confused, he looked back to me for confirmation all while I glared at Andrew. “He’s my Daddy?” I nodded, “Yes Eli he’s your Daddy.” “How odd,” Andy said, “I could’ve sworn his name was Andrew Dennis Biersack Junior.” “Be quiet Andrew,” I snapped, “Don’t confuse him anymore you already dropped a bomb on him.” “I’m confusing him?” he snapped, “I didn’t take him away from you…he doesn’t even remember me!” “How can he?” I bit back in return, “You were too busy entertaining Juliet to even care about him!” “How dare you!” he roared and I honestly thought he was going to raise his hand at me, but my son’s frightful cry made him still in his place. “I apologize…Eli,” Andy told Elijah softly, “Your mother just frustrates me sometimes.” Eli only snuggled in to my side further refusing to acknowledge the older angel’s apology, once Andy realized that he adjusted his jacket and then pulled out an iPhone to check the time I assumed. “Come along Evangelina we have to get back to the palace in a few days,” He gestured for me to move forward, “We don’t want to be late for your homecoming party.”

A Bit About Me

TLDR: I'm working on a memoir that will discuss the juxtaposition and correlations between growing up in a cult, and becoming a kinkster and fetishist.

I grew up a devout one of Jehovah's Witnesses, the daughter of a high profile Minister, and salesman, among the wealthy in Southern California. I had status, and influence at a young age. I have spoken on stage in front of audiences numbering up to 12,000. I took it for granted, because I knew no different.

I was a "born in," as opposed to an adult convert, with a strict but loving father, who had deep conviction for his faith. So I was literally isolated in thinking, and had only a limited number of friendship options, from birth til I began educating myself, and getting to know strangers online. Strangers online have saved my life on more than one occasion.

One benefit of this upbringing is I'm proficient at coercive persuasion, and non coercive persuasion, which translates well into sales.

Being my father's daughter, responsible for upkeep of his reputation, was an overshadowing cross to bear. I fled the country to escape it, moving to Canada, after living in Detroit briefly.

I married a Canuck and we had children. We opened the marriage two years before it ended violently.

Today, I identify as a bi, polyamorous, strong skeptic, existentialist, with a dash of Nihilism, and an entrepreneur.

I found myself homeless for the first of three times, after leaving my husband. Six months later, I opened a business, which I grew 13x over the course of years two and three of operation. I accomplished this in a single parent household, with a non live in boyfriend, otherwise alone, as I had been cut off from all I'd ever known and loved, over a difference in philosophical opinion.

My memoir will entail details of the juxtaposition and correlations between growing up in a high control group (akin to Mormonism or Scientology), and being a fetishist and kinkster, and all the experiences I've had, and the interesting, and varied people I've met along the way. Like the one time I (whoops!) got arrested, and developed a new fetish for interrogation play.

My favourite kinks are mental power exchange, water sports, and facilitating the fetishes of others.

I was misdiagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder, and wrongly medicated, for 17 years. I was not diagnosed with severe ADHD with comorbid anxiety, and chronic depression until adulthood. The clarified understanding of RSD made this possible. Proper meds changed my life for the better. I also experience Complex-PTSD, from the trauma of being brainwashed until young adulthood, followed by the shock of entering the real world, completely ignorant, and being in a mutually toxic, and abusive marriage for 12 years.

I refuse to give up, and I refuse to let life make me resentful.

I accept most friend requests. I try to make my profile as interactive as possible.

notable moments from The Juror #6 Job

leverage 1.11

it took them three (3) years to get the vargas case on trial ??? that’s so long, the court system is fucked up

- - - - -

Hardison: You are Alice White. It's one of the aliases I made for you, vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister's wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her facebook page.

eliot smiling at that rb if u agree

- - - - -

Nate: No. No. Jury duty - A place where you have to follow instructions.

Sophie: Where you have to consider other people's point of view.

Eliot: There's gonna be normal people there, Nate.

eliot emphasizing that there would be NORMAL people there lmfao

- - - - -

the fam sitting together eating pizza we love to see it

- - - - -

Sophie: you know, she's never done that before.

Nate: What, stormed out? Come on.

Sophie: No, asked for our help. (walks out)

(Nate looks toward Parker, then back at Hardison)

Nate: What? Listen, there is a reason we put her in a jury trial.

(Hardison mutes game)

Hardison: You know, man, when I was a, when I was a kid, I was like 8 years old, I had a foster mom who was Jehovah’s witness. She used to dress me up in a suit and a bow tie and take me door-to-door to spread the word. Black neighborhoods, white neighborhoods, didn't matter. I would kick, I’d scream, or whatever, but she would say "Alec, you need to learn how to talk to people." See, everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and-and-and being in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a skyscraper, she's cool. But making small talk? It’s-it's like pure terror. Just cut her some slack.

(Eliot hurries in with a six pack of beer)

Eliot: How about them Cowboys? What'd I miss? (flips his beer)

Nate: Nothing.

(Nate looks at Parker, who is dialing her phone)

like I love learning about their backstories but I can’t believe someone made hardison be a jehovah’s witness

- - - - -

parker is wearing flannel again

- - - - -

Nate: Not if we steal it first. Who plays chess?

Eliot: I play.

Nate: Yeah, of course you do. A chess game has three stages, right? I mean, you got your opening, middle, and end game. In the opening, you want to take control of the board, and you want to line up your attack and you want to protect the king, which, ironically, is the weakest piece you have

nate isn’t even surprised that eliot plays chess. he’s just like yeah, that adds up.

- - - - -

(Eliot is in a dumpster while Hardison is on the ground looking through garbage bags)

Eliot: It's your turn to be in the dumpster.

Hardison: No, man, no. I-I have-I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Then, you know, it's just a (wheezing) all up in my vocal area, man. Do you want to give me mouth-to-mouth? No, none of us want that. Hell no.

(Eliot throws a trash bag at Hardison’s head. Hardison looks up, angry)

Eliot: Heads up (laughs)

they’re idiots

+ ALSO hardison is always in danger of triggering fake allergies,,, this, the rashomon job,,,

- - - - -

Hardison: Quint's on the hook. He went to Mumbai international limited's website to check out Sophie.

Nate: It's a real company?

Hardison: Cover story's better that way. Just, uh, changed this... (hits button on remote, which changes a picture on a website) to this.

- - - - -

Sophie: Okay, today did not go well, but that's all right. You know, we learn when we fail. We're gonna-we're gonna go back to basics, and we're gonna do a little role-playing. Gonna start with-with persuasion techniques. So, Eliot (tosses him an apple) has an apple. Alice (tosses her an orange) has an orange.

Eliot: I love apples. Apples are my favorite fruit.

Parker: Good for you, sparky.

Eliot (to Sophie): I-I don't have to sit here and take this crap.

Sophie: Go on. Just do it for me.

Eliot (to Parker): You have an orange, all right? Now, convince me that I want the orange, not the apple. I'm gonna take a bite. (slowly brings the apple to his mouth and takes a bite)

Parker: I put a razor blade in that apple.

Eliot (spits out the apple): Are you serious?

Parker: Maybe. But do you know what doesn’t have a razor blade in it? This orange. (smells the orange) Don't you want it? (tosses the orange at Eliot and leaves)

Sophie: You fell for that? (exits room)

CHAOTIC OT3

- - - - -

Hardison: O- Okay. Um... you know, I have photos (places a file on the bench) that I would like to introduce from a vacation, the opposing counsel water-skiing. It's all from his website - very public.

Louis: I object.

Hardison: As well you should. You shouldn't be doing that. Seriously? I mean, he doesn't have the body.

r o a s t e d

- - - - -

Parker: Wait! Wait a second. That was a secret. You just told me a secret, right? That's something friends do.

Peggy: Well, I guess so. You're the nicest one here.

Parker: Really? I mean, thanks.

her S M I L E your honor

- - - - -

Earnshaw: Lunch is almost over. Get back to the trial. (opens folder) Joseph Miller, Georgetown pre-Law, Harvard law with honors! This can't be right. This guy's hourly rate has to be more than what our grieving widow makes in a month.

Assistant: Ma'am, it all checks out. Unless Gloria Vargas found some guy who created a CIA Level cover story and fake identity

hardison is just that good and we love to see it

- - - - -

Earnshaw: Wait. Who's that?

Assistant: The guy talking to the Vargas lawyer?

Earnshaw: No. Her. Raid Quint’s computer, his calendar, his e-mails. Pull out the call logs and the GPS records from his phone. I want to know who that is.

- - - - -

Quint: Earnshaw says if we settle, we open ourselves up to other lawsuits.

Sophie: We don't care about more lawsuits. With a billion people in the work force, a few deaths won't raise an eyebrow.

Quint: Government won't crack down?

Sophie: Mr. Quint, it takes five years to get a parking permit

that’s fucked

- - - - -

(Donnie is standing in front of a green screen)

Nate: Good. He's good.

Eliot (turns off camera): What I tell you? (hugs Donnie) Thank you for coming in on such short notice, Donnie.

Donnie: Ah, dinna fash yersel, laddie. What are friends for?

Eliot: Exactly. Beer's on me soon.

Donnie: Oh, you remember tha. (exits)

Nate: He's very good.

Eliot: What I tell you

we love getting more insight on eliot’s past and who his friends are/used to be

- - - - -

hardison, parker and eliot walking to the door and nate and sophie seeing them off like parents (even parker with her packed lunch!!!)

- - - - -

Hardison: Oh, incident. Okay. (referring to file) Would that happen to be the incident on flight 732 out of St. Louis, where you-you fondled a flight attendant's buttocks? Or would that happen to be the incident on flight 1433 out of Chicago, where you drank 17 tiny margaritas, you took your pants off, you stood up on the drink cart, and you sang, quote, "I'm a sexy monkey"?

Patemkin: I have no recollection of that.

Hardison: I'm not surprised, because it was not one, it wasn't two, but it was 22 incidents of drunk and belligerent, grab-assy behavior that landed you on that list.

Judge: Mr. Miller.

Louis: Objection!

Hardison: No, you know what, your honor? The US Government has determined that this man is not qualified to ride on an airplane, like Osama bin Laden. How is this jury supposed to rely on him to render a sound medical opinion

IM SCREAMING

+

parker looks so proud of him

- - - - -

Parker: Oh, sweet mercy, cooked flesh. (takes a bite of burger) Can we have fast food every time we make the bad guys go away

let parker eat as much meat as she wants 2k20

also, eliot is sitting right next to her and finally got to watch his football 😌 we love to see them sitting together

- - - - -

Nate: Did you realize what you just did? What you did? You won a jury trial without cheating.

Hardison: Without chea--I hacked a government no-fly list and used it to humiliate a witness.

Nate: Excessively. "Cheating excessively" is what I meant. But, I mean, think about it, I mean, if you applied yourself, Hardison, you could be anything you want.

Hardison: You know what? I could. I could. You know, next week, I think I’m gonna be an astronaut.

Nate: Well, that's not really what I meant. I meant if you studied, you’d--

Hardison: Yeah, if I--Who needs to study? You know, I’m gonna be a surgeon. A surgeon – ER. Surgeon.

HARDISON IS A GENIUS AND CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS SEND TWEET

- - - - -

(Parker gets a text and checks her phone)

Parker: Hey, it's Peggy from the trial! She wants to have coffee next week. Alice made a friend.

Eliot: I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend, not Alice.

Parker: Oh, cool. Well, think she'd want to steal a painting with me?

Sophie: Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

that’s so cute and means so much that she made a friend that even went as far as REACHING OUT to HER !!!

and she doesn’t reject the idea!!!

okay but also if a girl as pretty as parker asked me to steal a painting with her with that smile on her face, bitch you bet I would,,, I am but a simple bisexual with a weakness for pretty ladies

LGBTQ+

I don’t know if I ever posted such a thing like this before, but here goes nothing. Here’s to hoping I touch a life of someone else who is in a similar situation like I am. (Warning! I will be using explicit language and the visuals you will have in your mind, are from conversations I would have had in the past).

On October 4, 2002, I came out of the closet to both my parents. I figured I couldn’t keep who I was a secret, and the amount of anxiety attacks I would have from keeping a secret like that from them, bugged the shit out of me. When I told them, I wasn’t told, “I know” “we still love you” or even “everything is going to be okay.” Instead, my father sat in silence while my mum told me that if I was gay, that meant, “You will get fucked up the ass and die of AIDS before the age of 21.” For a bit, I was in denial, because at the time, I didn’t discover pornography on the web, and I didn’t know people could be a top, bottom, or even versatile. However, I remember going to bed that night crying because I wasn’t believed by my own parents. Day after day, I resented the fact I told them, and I didn’t have a friend to confide in at school to tell them what went down when I came out of the closet. I always already bullied for being different, and rumors would go around about me being gay, but I never dared to tell anyone. I was too scared to. I mean, wouldn’t you? My school was a little over an hour away from home, but I didn’t even have friends in my neighborhood to confide in about me being gay either. Looking back, there were a couple people I would chat with from time to time, and they gave me the impression they were either gay or they would have been okay with me telling. However, I kept who I was a secret. The bullying in the neighborhood was so bad, that one time, a bunch of kids on their bikes, without wearing a shirt, asked me if I wanted a piece of their ass. I never found out who they were, they were much farther from me as I was walking my dog, that I didn’t get a good glimpse of who they might have been. For a couple years, my father tried to scare homosexuality out of me by telling me “gay horror sex stories” about what would happen to a guy’s ass if they got fucked entirely way too much up there, while my brother and mother were being very homophobic. Today, in 2020, my mum doesn’t remember ever telling me that she used to say things like, “there is no place in heaven for you” or “you are going to hell.” 

After my affair with a married man when I was at the age of 22, my father brought me home from the hospital because I had an anxiety attack on Easter Sunday in 2011, because my mum told me I couldn’t see my friend anymore because she claimed I was making him gay. I remember telling her, “you either are, or you aren’t. There is no in-between.” I was however, worried, she was going to find out I lost my virginity to this man and decided to go to the emergency room and I remember crying in front of the hospital’s social worker and the doctor why my anxiety was so bad. They didn’t tell me it was okay to be gay, they just sat there and listened. I remember telling the nurses that if my mum comes to the hospital asking for me, I do not want you to let her back in the emergency room with me. She did however come, and they told me they were getting ready to the call the police on her. I went out there and told her to go home and I don’t want to see her ever again. That night though, my dad did come to get me and he brought me home. I remember to this day that he patted me twice on the leg and said, “It’s okay to be gay, as long as you are safe and careful, but please don’t ever have another affair. Don’t ruin someone else’s marriage.”

Fast forward, eventually my brother came around and in 2016, my mum sort of came around. I remember reading a doctor’s note that mentioned how sorry my mum felt for not being the mother I needed when I came out. I also believed that my mum finally came to terms with who I was. Needless to say, I was wrong. And as of 2020, I found out.

See, last year, around April or May, I came out to my parents as non-binary, my mum believed I needed a diagnosis of that, while my father said I was telling himself he already knew. However, I said “I wanted to tell you guys instead of you assuming I might be transgender, or even something else just based upon you guys doing your own research.

About a month ago, my mum and I had a heated conversation about the fact that I had accepted the fact she is an alcoholic and I accepted the many consequences that followed suite. She claimed I really didn’t, but I told her I did regardless of what God told me to do. I also said, “it is just like you accepting that I am gay and non-binary.” She told me she doesn’t accept those things because it is a sin and her God says it is wrong. She also left it with a statement by saying, “I accept the fact that you are my child, and I know I cannot change you.” That really hurt, because after four, almost five years, I really thought her logical thinking of me being gay was different, however, I was very wrong. This is where I am going to say what I have been wanting my soul focus of my blog to be about.

In the Bible, John 13:34-35 to be exact says, “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” Jesus never said to love your neighbor until that person is drunk, a prostitute, gay, Muslim, etc. He just told us to love each other as He loves us. Let me tell you something quick about me, from the very beginning of time, I have always loved people and accepted everyone despite their differences because someone might have it a whole lot worse than me. I grew up until the age of ten as a non-believer in Jesus. Sure, I went to the Kingdom Hall for two weeks, every summer when I went to see my grandmother until she couldn’t drive anymore, but knowing she is a Jehovah Witness, but I wasn’t a full believer and church goer until I was ten. But even then, I still loved and accepted everyone despite their differences, because someone in my circle at church, might have it worse than me. Eventually, when I was taught that scripture of John 13:34-35, I was all like, “well, that’s something I have always done and I guess I am already following a command from God that I didn’t know about. My boyfriend pointed out earlier this week, that there is a passage in the Bible that talks about us doing things without even knowing that there is scripture about it, the passage is Romans 2:14-15 “Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right.” I bring this up because I have always loved my mum and even when she told me she was an alcoholic, I still loved her, sure at first, I hated that she kept going downhill instead of getting better, and the blaming of me day after day, but at the end of the day I still love her. I still love her to this day even after last week her telling me when my boyfriend comes down for Thanksgiving, that he and I do not talk about us being gay to the guests at our table for Thanksgiving because they are Southern Baptists. I know everyone has a different take on homosexuality when it comes to the Bible, some are full of love for everyone without pointing out the sins of others, while others point out sins and think they are doing it out of love. But here is where I am going with this. It is in MY HUMAN NATURE, to love everyone despite their differences and ACCEPT THEM because they have it a lot worse than me. I do not need the Bible to tell me that. I never have and never will need it. If my mum is choosing to just ‘ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM HER CHILD AND SHE CAN’T CHANGE ME’ she will have to answer to God for that, not me. But I will never stop loving my mum the way God loves her despite her alcoholism and her addiction to it. It is like I told my therapist this week. I can’t change who I am because of me knowing this who I am and I was born this way, but my mum can change who she is to be a better person and she refuses to do it. 

I know I talked your eyes out and for that I am sorry. If you like what you have read, give me a follow, like my post, because by 2021, I am going to try and get better in blogging and video logging every other day. Happy Holidays!!

It's Mother's Day

And not to sound like a broken record, but I seriously have some resentment towards my dad and how much he used to push me to celebrate the holiday with my step mom.

She came into my life when I was thirteen years old. They got engaged pretty quickly and I was fine with it, but looking back now...I wish I spoke up more, because there were things that went on that were not okay. For starters my dad and step mom did argue in front of me, both of them would go through the other's phone and my dad would stalk her Myspace. Not only that he was very quick to allow her to make parental judgment.

Look, I'm not saying letting your underage kid watch certain rated R comedy films is a smart move or anything, but my dad had been letting me watch rated r content for years at that point. Another example is that she wouldn't want me to be left alone. My dad gave me some freedom and would let me stay home alone. I was a teen at this point, perfectly normal to do so. She didn't like that and at one point I had off from school but they both had to work and she wanted to drag me to her mom's house. I somehow told them to drop them off at my aunts and she handled that nonsense from there.

But I think the biggest thing to me was Mother's Day. This holiday in particular was always a sore spot for me. My dad wanted me to gift a mother's day card and present to her. They were engaged at this point. I was not comfortable with this. My dad's future wife was and is not a mother figure to me. My mom died when I was three. The closest mom figure I had/have was the aunt I just mentioned and not even she helped me with this. She encouraged me to celebrate with my dad's wife and I hated it. It hurt like hell. For years I had to give her a card and wish her a happy mother's day. It wasn't so bad if I found a card that said step mom or something but....god I wish I had the communication skills and courage to explain in detail that I am not comfortable with this because of the issues surrounding my mom's death and the fact that while I liked my dad's fiancee she isn't my mom and she never will be please do not force this on me.

The good news is that this year and last year mother's day hasn't even been brought up because my dad's wife is a practicing jehovah witness again. So semi happy ending, yay!

But yeah...the point of this post is really just me saying NOT to do this. respect your kid and don't try to force a parental relationship on them with your partner. Especially if your kid has lost a parent. Let it form naturally and if it doesn't then respect that because this shit does more harm then good.