#im tired of living. im tired of suffering everyday and being too scared to message anyone abt it bc i hate bothering people | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-gayest-sky-kid · 2 years

Text

literally do not click on this it is a big vent. a horrible big vent. it's huge and bad and you should never read it under any circumstances. I needed to get this out somewhere and I needed to feel like I put it out there, but I really don't want anyone to read it. thank you ^^

what I would not give to drop dead rn

i could count the things keeping me here on one hand and they are quite literally fear & venti. I hate that. the one thing keeping me hear other than my own fucking cowardice is this fucking fictional character. that's not even gonna last long. I'll move on and forget, and this isn't even helping my life. if I even live long enough it'll be the life of a burnt out failure because I couldn't be bothered- to push to do well while it mattered... and I'm so fucking scared of everything. of how my times still ticking away and I'm gonna die tomorrow from what I don't know I just know I'm going to die and it's a half day and I didn't tell my mom and I'm too scared to do it now so what will I do???? just sit in the train station until normal time to go home???? and I didn't even finish the research for my project which is graded and I've had these last two days to do that since I've been absent but the whole reason I was absent was that I feel like fucking shit and moving around makes me want to throw up and I'm so scared and I can't push myself to do it because of that so I lay there in my bed hoping that tomorrow won't come at all so this cycle finally stops

because I'm so fucking tired of this happening over and over. of getting like this over assignments. of becoming so scared I can't get up and face the day. of being scared of disappointing everyone by showing up, and being a disappointment by not coming. im so fucking tired of pretending that I'm not hanging on by a thread trying to balance everything coming and everything I've missed (by being a scared disappointment). Im so tired of taking it out on my family by getting so easily annoyed. im so tired of my family's issues and I'm tired of not having anywhere to get anything out physically and I'm tired of not being able to sleep because I feel like I'm on death row and I'm wasting my precious moments left alive. I'm fucking tired of feeling wrong and dirty and disgusting and I'm tired of not understanding myself and I'm tired of feeling like I'm faking everything I do and I'm DONE with feeling like im the one ruining everything

I can't imagine tomorrow and I haven't been able to for- for fucking months okay? everyday feels like it'll end with me killing myself. everyday starts with the moments leading up my execution

im so angry and tired and I feel like I'm just someone acting for attention and I'm trying to be some edgy anime character and I wish I could hurt myself and prove it and have real problems but I dont

and I just wanna have a breakdown and tell someone everything but I'm so scared and I don't want to be sent anywhere and I don't want help I just want it to end and I just want someone to be there and hold me and not try to help and just be there because I don't want to be alone anymore I don't want to be up alone in my bed I want to be out in the world enjoying sunny days and nights where you can see the stars and that feels so wrong to say again because it feels like some stupid fictional breakdown

i just dont want to see tomorrow but that also feels so selfish but also what if im making this all about me and they'll be fine and I don't want to leave you guys alone at least not without explanation but that'd be so wrong just to drop it to say I'm gonna kms and I don't want to leave my friends even though we don't talk anymore alone but if I just send them a message that's just I'm killing myself thatd be so fucking horrible and selfish and WRONG and I don't want to be a statistic and I don't want to be remembered the way I will be and I don't want my family to suffer and I don't want my dad to use this against my mom and I feel like such a traitor for confiding in him in the first place

in the end I just want it all to go away and I want to hide and curl up into a little ball and finally cry until I pass out and sleep until I can't sleep anymore and feel good when I wake up

....yeah

I'm so sorry I started with one thing and I spiralled out of control bdhshssh

#tw vent #vent tw #literally do not fucking read this please #im not gonna bother to tag the content under the cut but its a lot okay #personal posts and stuff idk #lumine/aether/sky rants #serious vent #very fucking long vent #do not look #do not read #swearing cw #major vent

1 note · View note

renjunvinates · 4 years

Text

emina’s life update

I promised that I would update on my life like uh maybe weeks ago or a week ago? But I didn’t so here’s my life update and why my updates are inconsistent and slow.

Okay, I think ever since school started I was going through a hardcore episode of feeling super low and down and feeling super suicidal and like oh my god it was just so tragic, as you could tell from my small updates on my #hjrs.txt tags lol, but honestly yes lol starting school completely fucked me over and my mentality. I was stressing about tuition for college and adjusting back to college life and I had to deal with my commuting hours. I had to get up at 4am on Tuesdays and Thursday for school and take the bus which was a 1.5 hour commute. Then I had dance practice in the morning and class started 11-5:30 and then 1.5 hour commute back. I basically didn’t get home until 7ish and it drained me and killed me. On those days I had like 5-4 hours of sleep due to staying up late due to playing games with my friends lol (and I know its bad call but playing games with my friends at that time was the only source that made me happy and something I looked forward too). On Mondays and Wednesdays I would have the day off but I literally don’t get out of bed until 1PM because I’m THAT tired and THAT sad.

During my time when school started and until mid October, I was seeing someone, and then they left me essentially because, one: they couldn’t handle my sadness, and two: I was way too independent for them, I mean it broke my heart that they left me but I could see why and understand lol, did I want it? No, but it was bound to happen lol so yeah its fine whatever.

My mentality wise: From when school started and until mid November my life was hell like it was fucking hell. I had multiple days where I wanted to relapsed and kill myself, and it sucked because like I didn’t understand my source of sadness and eventually led to me being angry. Like I just wanted to end things and run away and disappear for good lol. It was so bad like so bad, one of the worse episodes I ever had, and I never thought I would make it out of alive.

How did I make it: Highkey it was the most hardest thing ever like it mental vs mental. I wanted to do so many things to myself and just lol die and go away literally but I could not bring myself to do it. Not gonna lie I didn’t do things that harmed me for the sake of my friends. Like my sake was completely unrealistic and unhealthy and was not the way to go. I knew if I did things to myself my friends and family would be so mad at me, would be so disappointed in me and sad, and that is why I didn’t do it. I mean I would be mad and disappointed in myself to but honestly what saved me was having that reminder for the sake of my friends. Did it drive me insane using that reminder against me? Yes it did, because I wasn’t doing it for myself, I was doing it for others, but I wanted it to do if for myself but I just couldn’t, but if I didn’t have that reminder oh my god I don’t know what would be happening right now probably. So yeah, having that reminder really drove me crazy, but it made me stay.

Its crazy how I got through that whole hell of a ride, like everyday was so suffocating lol, like I just sat there and took it all in, I cried so many times because I hate everything but I sat there suffering, waiting for it to end already. It was honestly like day by day repeat, because I felt like that was the only thing I could do. I wake up, eat, go to school, go home, do homework, or play games and then go to sleep. This was a repeat every single day, every day I woke up and I just felt so miserable and I wanted to die, but this was all I could do. Just take it day by day, the only thing I looked forward to was night time playing games with my friends but that costed my sleep, but I was so desperate to lose my sleep to play games with my friends because I was that sad. Playing games with my friends was the only thing at that time that kept me pushing through, I was so desperate I didn’t care of losing hours of sleep.

Kind of lastly lol: a lot of my friends messages me and was trying to be there for me, and I loved them a whole lot for that, and it was like god im so thankful for you, but it was just great and all, but something that really got to me was like before and after I got my heartbroken like so many people kept telling me life was being unfair to be and I didn’t deserve all of this, and I kid you not I cried so much when they told me these things because like I knew it was unfair, I knew I didn’t deserve this, but its what I got and I had to go through. I cried so much because it was like I know, I know this is unfair and it was so unfair it pushed me to the point where I didn’t want to live and be alive, but having that reminder kept me there, but I cried so much when they told me things. It kinda grinded my gears when some people were trying to tell me and lecture me that I need to try and such, because I just knew what they were going to tell me, it wasn’t the first time people told me these things, and besides I knew because I’ve said these kinds of things to other people too, so I know. I got annoyed and irritated, like I knew from bottom of my heart I knew they were doing it because they were scared for me, and worried but I just didn’t want to hear it, because I already knew what they were going to say.

Okay one lastly: I appreciated all of my friends and what they told me, I got a lot of support and love from them and I was well aware from it. Like I knew they loved me and cared about me and they told me, and as much as I appreciated hearing those words from them, it didn’t feel complete to me. I love my friends and I’m thankful from them, but it just didn’t matter how much they told me I matter and that they loved me, because what I wanted was to hear it from myself. Like you could tell me you love me and care about me, I’m well aware by others peoples feelings and love for me, but no matter what thought it doesn’t matter at the end of the day for me, because I wanted to hear those words from myself and be able to confirm those words by myself and not by others lol, and so it was hard. Am I there yet? No, of course not. Is it a working progress? Yes, it’s always a working progress lol.

Finally conclusion, as of right now, things are okay, they could be better but they’re not, its not as bad as before but I’m striving and thriving. I’m really trying and doing all I can. There will be days where wow I’m not feeling it but right now, I can say I’m alright lol. I started working recently and working low-key has been helping me also, I love my coworkers and they make me laugh a whole lot. Thanksgiving I was able to reconnect with some of the people and be able to talk to this one person I always had a problem talking to (due to complicated past). Tldr: Im thriving and trying my hardest right now and forever one, and I’m still learning to love and appreciate myself

#hjrs.txt #personal #emina's life update #im trying my hardest #if you read the whole things wow #thanks for caring about me #whew life though #its okay boys we thriving #lets gooo #thank you for reading my stuff though lol #okay I love you all

2 notes · View notes

calumsbabylonbabe · 5 years

Text

The Day We Begin

Second part to “The Day We Began”

Summary: The next day after Luke has taken off

Warnings: Fluffffff, swearing, not really angsty but??

It’s been several hours since Luke left.

I sat against the door for a solid two hours, before slowly making my way to the restroom to washing my puffy face, only to make my way to my bed where I cried until I fell asleep.

It’s 7:54 in the morning now, meaning it’s not longer our anniversary, and Luke didn’t come home all night.

Before finally laying down, I had unlocked the bedroom door, a small part of me hoping he would return, despite the fact that I know he doesn’t see me as anything serious.

The fact the he didn’t show up almost makes me want to cry again, but I’m out of tears after last night.

I don’t understand why I feel the constant ache, why I have to suffer with my feelings. He’s the me who fucked up, why do I have to suffer?

Actually no, perhaps I was fuck up. Allowing myself to get attached too quickly isn’t the best idea I’ve had, and I should have known better.

I brush off all negative and degrading thoughts about my feelings and reach for my phone, again hoping I have messages from Luke.

Nothing.

I have one from Calum, regarding the couch situation last night, but I disregard it and push the endless covers and sheets off myself.

I get out of bed, and walk into the connected bathroom, to see my eyes swollen and deep bags underneath, making me look like a Tim Burton character.

Last night was the first time sleeping alone since Luke and I officially started dating. Needless to say, it was tough sleeping.

I quickly rinse my face, trying to rid it of it’s tired look, before making me way back into my bedroom.

I sit on my bed again and admire the pictures of Luke and I on my dresser, feeling my heartstrings tug again.

The idea that Luke and I are probably going to break up is something that I haven’t processed. It’s something I don’t want to process.

I brush the saddening thoughts away and make my way downstairs, realizing I haven’t eaten since last night’s dinner, and even that was a sparse amount of food.

I make my way to the pantry, to see it practically empty, remembering Luke and I were supposed to go grocery shopping today.

I guess it’s just me now.

I get ready, texting Calum back finally, before making my way out of the door.

I open the door to see someone standing on the porch, smoking, while running their fingers anxiously through their hair.

The familiar blue eyes surrounded by dark bags underneath them turn to look at me, as I awkwardly stand half in my house, half outside.

The sight of Luke smoking again is enough to make someone want to cry. Luke stopped smoking about the time we started dating, and to see him start up again just further confirms that we are over with.

“Smoking again?” I ask, as I lean against the door.

“Uh no, I just, needed it for the nerves.”

“What do you want Luke? You didn’t come home last night, so I kind of figured that confirms that we’re done, right?” I ask, feeling my throat tighten, but I keep my ground, making sure not to cry.

“No, baby! I’m just...” Luke replies, trailing off, leaving us in completely and utter silence, despite the sound of the birds chirping.

It’s been about a minute of complete silence, and I figure he’s not going to say anything, and I don’t have he will to say anything to him.

With that thought in mind, I turn to lock the door and make my way toward the car sitting by the curb.

As I’m just about to walk down the steps, he finally breaks.

“Wait, Y/N, don’t go. I’m just, trying not to fuck this up again like I’ve already fucked up,” he says, rubbing his hands over his face.

I don’t want to stay, but the way my name rolls off his tongue is enough to make me swoon. I don’t turn towards him, but I stop walking down the steps, waiting for him to continue.

“I know that I fucked up-“ he starts, to which I scoff and laugh at, and begin walking away again.

“Y/N! I know I fucked up. And I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” Luke starts again, his voice cracking while finishing his last sentence, causing my heartstrings to pull and my chest to feel heavy. I stop walking and wait in place for him to continue.

“I know, I said some fucked up things last night that I didn’t mean. I know that. Baby, you have to understand that I didn’t mean what I said, and I feel like a piece of shit for saying what I did, and for you treating you the way I did. I’m sorry that I defended Maddy, of all people, instead of siding with you.” Luke heavily sighs and I can visualize him anxiously pulling at his blonde curls.

“ I kept beating myself up last night at Ash’s for being such a dick, and I had a few drinks, so I couldn’t even come home to you, not because I didn’t want to.” I can hear Luke’s emotions in his voice, and his throat is tightening up, meaning he’s on the verge of tears.

I feel my eyes water and I quickly wipe all trace of tears in my eyes away, shaking my head.

I hear Luke begin to walk down the steps and near me. I don’t want to turn to look at him, because I know if I do, those small tears will turn into a steady stream.

“You mean the world to me Y/N, and I can’t express how much I love you. When I met you, you helped me get through a dark place in my life. I think we both know you’re not just some groupie, Y/N, because what we have is the realest shit I’ve ever felt, and we both know that. I’ve never needed anyone more than I need you, and I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. “

At this point, tears are rolling down my cheeks and I can’t stop them.

“You’re my everything baby. You’re my personal heaven. I know, that the only way I’ll get through life is with you by side. I don’t want it any other way. I need you like I need air, and that leaves me so fucking scared, but I love it. I love you. I’ve been wanting to do this for three weeks already, but I was waiting for the perfect moment,” he starts, causing my mind and heart to race.

“Luke,” I start, turning around to see Luke kneeling, tears running down his face as he holds a small black velvet box.

“I love you so fucking much Y/N, and I need you to know that you’re not just any other girl. You’re my girl, and the girl I want to wake up everyday with, the girl to be the mother of our kids, and the girl I want to grow old with. Marry me?”

My heart is beating what feels like a million miles a minute as his words replay in my head like slow motion.

The words “marry me?” play on repeat as I see Luke looking up at me, with hope in his sad, tired eyes.

“Luke, I love you so much, so much that it fucking hurts to love you. I’ve never been in a committed relationship, let alone married,” I start, seeing the hope fade from his eyes.

“But I’m not afraid,” I quickly continue. “I love you, Luke. I’ve never been in a committed relationship before, but I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you. I want a future together,” I reply, my throat constricting as I cup his face in my hands and wipe the tears away from his eyes.

“Of course I’ll marry you,” I say, as I kneel down to eye level. Luke’s blue eye cloud with tears and he pulls me into a passionate kiss, entwining our emotions together in just that single kiss.

“I love you so much.”

Perhaps the universe isn’t as sick and twisted as I thought. Luke and I didn’t end the day we began, but rather our lives and future together took it’s place. Today is the day that we truly begin.

WOW IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO MAKE THIS AND IT SUCKS IM SORRY IM BAD AT FLUFF AND ENDINGS but thank you to everyone who actually enjoyed reading and gave feedback and supported! It’s all greatly appreciated <3

Tags: @shortstackpanda @darkwolfpeanutskeleton

@emo---tional @rexorangecouny

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #calum hood #ashton irwin #michael clifford

74 notes · View notes

kettu-saukko · 5 years

Text

I’m 100% not in a stable state right now and probably not going to be until I pass out from crying and silent screaming and I relapsed and cut for the first time in weeks so thats great but I have shit I need to yell into the void so whatever read if you want I don’t care but no one message me or anything about whatever i say I don’t want to hear it Im too tired and you don’t truly care that much anyway

I am extremely suicidal, I’m not doing anything tonight or planning anything Im just stating that I am and I don’t know when or how i am an impulsive person when it comes to self harm, etc shit. My goal was to make it to my birthday (may 9) but that goal is getting slimmer and slimmer and feeling nearly impossible.

I am completely certain that no one cares about me or my well being. Its just all selfish. People only “care” to make themselves feel better and feel as though they helped and can’t be blamed if shit goes sideways with me. I don’t have a single impact in anyones life except probably my moms. If I was to go it would hurt for a little bit then everyone would be fine.

I feel so alone and miserable everyday. Waking up is torturous and seeing other people live their lives so easily and carefree fucks me up so much cause whats SO WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN’T BE OKAY Im all alone in this world

it’s never going to get easier or better huh?? no amount of medication or therapy is ever going to make me want to get up and live life is it. I’m completely stuck in this cycle or being just about drowning then just dying.

everyone says they care about you or are there for you but the second someone better or a better experience is brought up they will leave you faster than anything watch it happen Don’t tell me youll always be there if i need you or call me fucking family and shit then drop whatever your doing because there’s a party or your dick is about to get sucked and forget I exist i don’t need you, you clearly don’t need me so cut me loose

I hate myself, looking in the mirror is the worst and if i could i would cut off my head and skin my face off cause it’s so hideous and grotesque why do i do this why do i put everyone through this shit for please just leave me

everyone lies and tells you exactly what you want to hear just to make themselves feel better

i am losing every ounce of sanity at this point and I just can’t keep it together I can’t IM SO GONE FROM REALITY IM SCARED OF MYSELF I’M TERRIFIED

i dont want to be here and i don’t want anyone to do anything about it please i’m suffering just let me go in peace i just want to die please

#mental health.#im deleting later #no one cares if i'm here or not so why be here #i just don't want to be here and be alive and continue to suffer everyday #everyone leaves or ditches you so why does anything matter

0 notes

anarchistdribble · 5 years

Text

Love story

Now is isn’t going to be your normal boy sees girl boy falls in love with girl and her him, that’s not how life works, if it were easy you wouldn’t know you are in love, that you have to fight and it’s ugly at times and it never seems to make sense that you met the right person at the wrong time, but everything happens for a reason, to quote my psychology professor “if you are in love with someone, you won’t be interested in someone else. If you are then you aren’t in love” which still stays with me after eight years it’s one of those comments that just hits close and stays. Now im just the narrator but I like the quote it could be true it could not be, depends on your outlook.

This is the story of a boy not a man not a gentleman on the outside, on the outside he looked rough not the rough and roguishly ruggedly handsome, more of the has been through the ringer, that in his eyes they were cold and piercing as in he could look through you, make you seem like you don’t matter, he was your well outcast, loner, punk, drunk, stoned, foul mouthed bad attitude having rebel and clichéd without a call or purpose. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life that it was the true punk soul working crap jobs living week to week just riding on the universe, no goals no plans just things came up and he took them he jumped at the opportunity didn’t care where he wound up that if he just followed his heart and threw all caution to wind and took what he wanted, oh how naive he was how he was about to fall head first and not realise it. That he did his normal have a beer with his co-workers and close up give a lift for a joint and head to the normal hang out, but half way he got the message “new person behave and probably get drunk or high before” well shit, he thought just a split and a few drinks watching Max TV music but hey go with it this was a good friend after all. So he went to the bottle shop and got his normal for meeting new people a bottle of vodka, a hip flask of tequila and a bottle of rum or bourbon to drink socially, well hold and drink once everyone passed out. As he pulled up he was informed a girl would be there but she was taken so not to try anything with her “yeah, get fucked, I’ll just be me you gotta control me” he send back as he pulled up the nerves hit him the shaking came on, “well here we go” he said as he skilled the bottle of vodka and lit his jay and paced up and down the street thinking “I hope she is nice, hopefully she will like us, well me, I hope she is cool, well here comes the vodka and drugs time to see what happens” he went through the side gate with the spare key when he turned the corner he wasn’t prepared for what he saw.

As he looked up from lighting his cigarette he felt his heart jump into his throat, his heart stopped then just pounded like nothing before. He thought clearly this was just the drugs and drink taking full effect, he would come to learn he was wrong, so very wrong. He knew she was just divine, perfect, pure light and beauty. He took a seat at the table full of people as he looked around the table and greeted everyone, his eyes kept being drawn to her, she wasn’t doing anything special to draw his eyes. He kept looking at her, okay it wasn’t looking he was admiring her, just taking in that she was real, that he just couldn’t believe his eyes that here, here was an angel, the girl the one he saw in his twisted dreams that she was real and sitting there his clichéd angel from his nightmares that her face plagued his dreams, that haunted him with its purity, with her unrivalled beauty. He made sure to not catch her gaze though, not yet, not until the alcohol took full effect and he had the courage to actually talk to her, just the thought sent his heart into his throat and he knew he wouldn’t be able to say anything but stammer like an idiot. As the night progressed into just drunken chatter he worked up the courage to talk to her not in a one on one kinda way just try and include her in the conversations get her to talk a little, he didn’t care he was drunk and she wasn’t being as social as he would like, but when she spoke, oh when she spoke, his heart caught on fire he felt something this love and passion for this girl her voice was just heavenly even as she cursed the house down. He was drawn to it like a moth to a flame and yet he wasn’t bothered if he caught fire, if like Icarus his wings caught fire and burned up, that he didn’t care because he got close to her sun, that it was her holy flame that scorched him, that he would try and try again. That he wanted, needed to be in her radiance that it was the most amazing thing he had ever felt that he knew he needed it for as long as he drew breath.

As the night turned to day he sat upon the rooftop drinking and having a cigarette and joint. He smiled as he looked beside him, “fuck, well fuck” he whispered quietly to himself before just screaming at the top of his lungs, much to the displeasure to the people getting into their cars for work, “fuck ‘em” he thought. The girl started being around more often which made him ever happy, though that voice in the back of his head, his conscious, some other mental fuckery that reminded him she had a boyfriend, he thought about that he had no idea who her boyfriend was, and that he didn’t care he was excited to just have her around, that or now it was enough for him. As the nights of hanging out turned into daytime, those days turned to weeks to months to years he felt something click inside of him. He couldn’t place what it was right then and there but it would come to haunt him later, along with a lot of his memories that his demons were starting to scratch down the walls. So he picked up more night shifts, he figured just work it will be okay. It was a full year later he came to realise he had been used, it wasn’t even first time he had that didn’t matter, what hurt him most was that such a beautiful creature had done so, that unless he organised and supplied the drink and drugs that only two people actually wanted to have gone out sober, that only those two people invited him to do things, that of his group of over twenty only two remained one he knew for years one he’d known for three months. He always thought about the girl where she was what she was doing, if she ever thought of him like he did her. He smacked the side of his head “shut up, shut up shut the fuck up, she’s gone, you missed your only chance, burry this deep down, put out that fire. It time to be cold, to protect ourselves again” he yelled as he sped down the highway. He didn’t care about the police or the limit he just knew where he was going, like an archer pulled back the arrow that was he, he slammed right into the bullseye of where he wanted to be, he also hit the mark of becoming cold and calculated. He thought if it was so easy for everyone to use him, well now it was his turn he was going to break as many hearts as he could tear down all the beautiful people make society pay. He didn’t have anything left they could take, so he will take everything he can.

He spent his time making girls fall for him, letting them think they were getting close before he left, sometimes he said goodbye most of the time he just moved on leaving hearts aching in his wake. Everyone thought he was just a player that he was just after numbers. He wasn’t, he only had eyes for her and he wouldn’t let anyone else get close to him, to show them where he goes to disappear, to think, to write for and about her. That she was always on his mind, he’d never forget that smile, the way she glowed, her beauty, her amazing eyes. He couldn’t forget her it would kill him if he ever did that he never wanted to. He always missed her, thought of calling or messaging just to see how she was. He was scared of her though such a beautiful creature wouldn’t want the likes of him around nor would she want him around let alone feel anything for him, so he drank and got high, deliberately too drunk or high to use his phone that he did it for courage but never messaged her or called because he couldn’t think of what to say, that he didn’t want to ramble on like an idiot that he wanted to know her and let her know him, but he was burned before he didn’t why he trusted her it had been years but it never left, he couldn’t escape his feelings for her.

He slept with a girl by accident and ran away in the morning and he felt bad she wasn’t like the others yet, at least. He had grown tired of using girls and breaking their hearts. That she didn’t make him happy he was content, he thought that was enough, that he had never felt true happiness before and thought this was good enough, but he was wrong so wrong. That he hated almost everyday he spent with her that he still longed for the girl he had met years before. He remembered what he had done in the past all the pain and heartache, all the suffering he had caused to people. He saw her as his penance for what he had done in the past, that he wouldn’t ever be happy in this relationship but he was okay with this. Months turned to years he thought he could learn to love her, he didn’t hate her, he didn’t hate having her around either, he was complacent he figured that’s what relationships were. He never forgot that girl, he figured that she had forgotten about him, that he hoped one day he would run into her again and maybe it could go back to how it was before between them. Just as he came to terms with never seeing her again his phone went off as he looked at it his phone, he felt something, something surge throughout his body a surge of joy and amazement, it was her, the girl of his dreams reaching out like should have done before but she scared him to the core, made his heart pound, took his breath away and sent his head into a whirl and the biggest stupidest grin come across his face. He waited, okay counted down the time until he saw her, he was going to get dressed up but decided against it and just to dress as she had seen him before. As he arrived his heart jumped into his throat, all he could do was go and get a beer before even talking to her.

As he spent more time around her, she wanted to get to know him more, she well I wouldn’t call it asking more pressing because she wanted to know, he got caught off guard that she a tally wanted to know about his past, that she heard all the things he had done and she just held him and gave him a drink and a cigarette, that she knew nothing she could say would do anything that she knew her actions said more that she knew just to listen, that he didn’t want her to help that she asked and he gave himself to her that she opened herself to him, that he listened to her and felt her, felt her emotions, showed up when it was rough and just made her laugh and feel better. That when she was upset he made her see reasons, broke down everything and helped her. That without the her knowledge he showed her ways to deal with her flux of emotions, that he saw too much of him old self in her that he would do anything to stop her going where he went, he couldn’t let her, nay he wouldn’t let her, then it happened, the worst happened. He didn’t see her for a little bit and thought she was okay. That was until she asked him to pick her up, nothing unusual but he felt something, unknown to him it was despair, her despair but he agreed to get her and when he did he got the rush of emotions from her. She was starting to spiral no one saw it but he did. She was drinking to fill the void of loosing her jobs, he knew that pain all too well. Instead of telling her to stop, he knew she wouldn’t listen to him, not yet. He drank with her never getting too drunk to not take care of her but letting her get drunk and sitting with her making her talk and making her feel important, special, that she mattered that he knew, he knew she would land on her feet that while everyone else just watched her fall, he spent all his energy being given there showing her she is worth it getting fucked up talking all night, watching her favourite movies, playing games when no one else cared to. He held her hand the whole way back he grabbed her by the waist and kept her above the water. She tried to push him away, he never let it he made sure to keep her afloat when no one else would, he gave her ways to deal with every thing, because he had done it before he knew how to, he helped rebuild her stronger then she had ever been. That he made sure she was safe, that when he wasn’t there someone kept an eye on her, he was disappointed on the people he asked to look after her because they didn’t do what was asked, they didn’t bother. So he started to come over more, stay the night reassuring her she was loved that she was worth the effort he put into her.

As the pair grew closer and closer they became more attached to each other, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually. Over time they entrusted their own fears and dreams to each other, she was the only one he wanted to know all of his fears and dreams, he gave all of himself to her as she did to him and he listened and came up with plans to show her he listened and would help counter the fears she had because she needn’t worry about them that he would take them from her and give her the life of happiness she needed and deserved, he made sure to tell her everything, well almost everything she knew the most about him but that still wasn’t very much no one knew everything about him, he couldn’t nor had he learned to trust anyone yet, but she was close, she had the ability to tear him apart and crush him but she never used it, he became scared if she ever would. That was his worry, right now he had to make sure she was happy that she was living the life she wanted not what she thought she deserved. So he pushed her to do her best reminded her she needs to push her boundaries because they are only set by her and he could see all the potential inside of her and wanted to bring it out make it glisten and shine in the light of her peers make them cower at what she can do and that they are worthy to have her.

Slowly their friend ship blossomed into something more they both couldn’t explain what it was but it was pure and joyous, they never made small talk they didn’t know how either they talked until their throats were sore, or sung along badly to bad music and even danced it was strange they danced as if the other knew exactly what came next, they had a flow while dancing and the biggest smiles you’ve ever seen. She knew how to dance a certain way but when he grabbed her and danced with her it was his style he didn’t exactly lead her in the dance just put her where she wanted to be, let her twirl away then pull her back in so close. It was a sight and gained attention from those who saw it lots of glances and on lookers she never noticed them she was in her own world just being with him feeling the flow of the dance knowing his next move just before he made it, but he saw and so he flaunted her, showed off that he was dancing with her that he only would dance with her because only she made him want to.

As their relationship grew so did the feelings and passion between them at first it wasn’t anything major they started talking all day everyday, doing little things for each other, making sure the other was always okay or helping the other become stronger and better then before. As they fed and grew off each other the boy had a change of his heart, well not a change more an opening. His heart caught on fire and burned with the passion of an infinite sun, she made him burn to his bones, to the core, beyond that even. As the feeling grew inside of him he tried to fight it keep it pushed down, keep it hidden, it didn’t work, it was no longer working. One night while it was just them sitting talking his passions and desires burst through, like a man turning to a werewolf, it tore through him, through his skin, he grabbed her pulled her close and gave in to the beast and kissed her. As they kissed their brains shut down, they grabbed each other pulling the other closer, beyond that trying to pull the other into them. When they finished their kiss they just stared at each other panting, they forgot to breathe, they didn’t want to because it means it would stop and they couldn’t have that. Their brains slowly kicked back in and as they did they just kept holding each other and smiling at the other devilishly.

They just looked at each other for a moment, one that lasted an eternity one that spoke of their own true desire for the other, that only a moment passed before they even knew it their bodies had grabbed on to the other pulling closer as they kissed as their hands moved, explored the other and grabbing on to pull the other in tighter. Like two lost souls trapped in a fish bowl that had always been entwined for eternity. Their hands moved over their bodies, knowing exactly where to go, where they wanted it to go where it had to go, where it needed to go, every grab, pull, push, scratch was perfectly placed. Every kiss

was beyond perfection, that every time they kissed was exactly when it was needed, even when they pulled their lips of the others it was perfect that every kiss and bite they made, was exactly on the right point for the other, that they knew without knowing how and what to do.

As the girl left the boy he didn’t know what to do, he put all his time and effort into her and couldn’t think of a life without her. As he cried he knew there was only one thing to do, that he couldn’t live without her, that she was his all that she was the only person to never give up, and he was trying to better himself so she could be proud of what he’d become and overcome. That her faith in him made him try and get better, try as much as it pained him to respect her choice, but she had betrayed his trust, had screwed him over like she said she would never do no matter what. As she walked away the boy overdosed on all he could knowing that it was better this way, that she did the want to care. That he knew no one else would notice for days, that everyone would be better off, that the girl would remember him but never go looking never see him again, and she was okay with it, despite his best efforts, he closed his eyes for the final time took in a big breathe and exhaled one last time with a smile upon his face knowing it was over, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, he knew no one would ever hurt him again or leave him he was finally at peace.

The end.

0 notes

ilygsd · 6 years

Text

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that????? i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

0 notes