as much as im thankful to spend time w my family, being at home has completely obliterated my hard-earned daily routine :(

gosh i am mentally exhausted. d is on a bender today to be a freak. not against me per se but she lost it at t because he walked out of the room while she was talking not in a bad way he jsut moved out of her way. shes a fucking weirdo thats for sure. i wish i could move out. my life is so depressing when i think about it logically. i feel bad for myself. if i could move out i know i would feel better. just having 24hours without her was enough for my mind to reset, i came up with a good script idea. my body felt better but now i am tense, scared and agitated occasionally. i just wish i could have a normal parent. im tired of feeling like this. really tired. i wish i could come home to a normal christmas. every year its the same, she puts on the show to be a real bitch. im glad she wont be here until 3pm that day it give us time to relax a little before the carnage. then shes home for 2 days and back at work... thankful for that. if i won lotto i think i would just leave really. i just cant handle it any more its all too much for me. obviously i handle it... and do so well haha but i just wish i didnt have to deal with this. the person id be if i could be me is insane. it doesnt help that i look the way that i do making me even more self conscious then she lays into me and i just feel even worse. i dont know what i want in life anymore. i want to be a successful screenwriter but then i realise that is extremely difficult. i want to be that but i realise i cant be that until i get out of here and it seems like getting out of here will never happen. at least my contract was extended i guess which gives me 900 a week for another 5 months. so 21k when adding that to what i have its still not enough for me to realistically get out and survive i guess. i know normal people dont have that much but im not a normal person i need to make sure once i go i dont EVER need to come back. gotta go but ugh

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

Mobile Navigation || Rules & Mun ↓

DISCLAIMER: I just want to note here at the beginning that while I am considering this RP blog to be historically based, i.e. remaining true to the time period and overall details of John Laurens' biographical information and whatnot, I do not consider myself a historically accurate blog, not entirely. Historical fiction is a well known genre of literature and many, MANY creative liberties are taken within that genre. Think of this blog like you would if you saw an Anastasia Romanov blog. She's dead, we know she didn't survive, and she's been dead a long-ass time; so has Laurens. People still have included her in many works of fiction, even after her body was identified and it was proven she did not survive her family's massacre. I saw a romance book a couple of months ago where she survived that was recently published. Historical fiction, while a controversial thing at times, is a legitimate form of literature.

You don't have to tell me if you think John isn't acting exactly like the real man himself would have, I know that. I'm not going to call John my 'perfect sunshine boy cinnamon roll' or dismiss the privilege he was raised on due to his father, I'm aware he was a real person who had his own personality, virtues and prejudices. I won't deny that while he was certainly a progressive thinking man for the time he grew up in he definitely still had racist thoughts and actions that were indicative of his upbringing. But I'm not on here to debate modern, real life politics, or get into arguments about whether he was a good abolitionist or not. At the end of the day, this is still a hobby for me, and I'm writing for fun.

Basically, don't take it too seriously. I'm a 21st century bisexual woman writing from the POV of an 18th century (likely gay) male soldier, the way I write him is obviously not going to be a perfect representation of who he was. I know he wasn't an amazing, perfect person, but I've still chosen to write a fictionalized version of him for my own entertainment. Please try to respect that; thank you.

Mun Stuff

Name: Luna Gender: Female (She/Her or They/Them) D.o.B: July 23rd, 1996 Age: 24 Nationality: Canadian Sexuality: Bisexual Timezone: Eastern Time (US & Canada) Activity: Daily BIOGRAPHY (SORT OF)

Hello, there! You can call me Luna! I've been interested in writing ever since I first got the internet when I was 14 and discovered FanFiction.Net and now I'm an aspiring author and Roleplay enthusiast. If you include acting/talking out DnD like games with friends then I've been 'roleplaying' since the fifth grade, but I like to think there's always room for improvement. If you ever want to chat I'd love to make a new friend or plot out a roleplay, so don't be afraid to shoot me an ask or send me a private message. Just because my muse can be a jackass doesn't mean I am! I’m a huge advocate for mental health, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out! Some of my hobbies including literature and writing (of course), digging into mythology from various cultures, practicing solitary eclectic paganism/new age spirituality, drinking tea, and collecting crystals/minerals.

Please note that for the sake of disclosure, I am considered ‘Neurodivergent’, in that I suffer from ADHD, diagnosed at about age six, and have Anxiety and Depression which are directly tied to it. This doesn’t often effect my life on here, but I sometimes have an unpredictable sleep schedule (stay up all night, sleep in late into the morning, etc). I’m usually quick to reply to threads for the most part! I work every Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm to 7pm in addition to odd jobs here and there, during which time I won’t have access to the Internet. The rest of the week I’m on and off all day basically, so you can feel free to contact me any time.

RP Style

⭐️ Please use basic spelling/grammar/punctuation when you RP with me. I'm not a drill sergeant about these kinds of things, I know that typos happen, and if you have a vision problem or such we can absolutely find a way to work around that, I also have no problem roleplaying with people whose first language is not English, so that's totally fine and I’m happy to accomodate in whatever way I can, but it does make it a little difficult to play with you if I don't know what you're trying to say. For this reason I prefer if you not use any text shorthand (lol, idk, brb, jk, etc) unless our muses are messaging each other. Using it in the tags is fine.

⭐️ I roleplay Laurens in a past-tense 3rd Person Point of View (think story-telling format), and generally I don't use icons or text formatting unless I notice my partner does, then I will try to match their style (for example if you use icons and small-text, I will try to do the same, though because formatting isn't possible on mobile, any mobile replies might take longer to be posted than if I were on my laptop). If you have any issues with how I'm writing or need me to adjust my style for any reason don't be afraid to ask.

Contact

⭐️ If you spam me with messages over and over again about something I haven't replied to, chances are I'll drop the thread. I don't mind being reminded because I know Tumblr's notifications are notoriously unreliable sometimes, and humans can forget/lose things, but if you keep poking at me after I've acknowledged you the first and second time, I won't be pleased. Things can get busy on here, or in real life, or sometimes you're just lacking muse for that particular thread, y'know? It doesn't mean I hate you and don't want to RP, I'm almost always up for plotting, but muse tends to fluctuate.

⭐️ My ‘Discord’ is available to mutuals upon request. I don't mind roleplaying on there if Tumblr is being glitchy or you're just not feeling up to formatted/heavily plotted threads, sometimes Discord is fun in that you can do immediate replies without needing the effort of putting icons and formatting into it. I also have a Kik but I never use it. I don't RP in Tumblr's IMs, that's purely for OOC interaction.

⭐️ I also occasionally stream movies/TV shows in group chats or play “in character” Cards Against Humanity game nights, Among Us, etc. If you’re interested, lemme know, I’m always looking for more people to hang out with!

Important

I have no actual triggers that I'm aware of, although snakes do creep me out (mostly shots of them coiled up or images of their pupils), but there are some things I will not roleplay personally for comfort reasons:

⭐️ Cannibalism. You can mention it, for example I won't freak out if someone tells my muse that somebody else ate a person (he might, assuming its not a Supernatural type verse), but I won't RP him engaging in cannibalism, not even in AUs (blood-drinking vampires are fine). I'm just not sure I could stomach writing about eating people. I managed to watch Hannibal, barely, but writing about it? Nah. I can handle lots of horror, gore and disturbing content but not this. Sorry.

⭐ Incest/Pedophilia. I do not SEXUALLY ship with characters under the age of 18. John is not attracted to children, and would never consider sleeping with someone much younger than him.

⭐ I will not write anything sexual with muns who are under 18 years old, even if your muse is an adult. I'll still ROLEPLAY with you if you are under 18 but probably no younger than 16 just because things tend to get explicit on my blogs and I don't want to be accused of corrupting the youth with my foul language and weird opinions, lol. Seriously though, this blog covers a lot of dark subjects and while I’m all for minors exploring that safely through writing rather than in real life, some people aren’t comfortable with interacting with under age people for legal or personal reasons, please respect that.

⭐ Necrophilia. Just... no. Vampire threads don't count, as they're undead and not 'dead dead'.

⭐ Rape. I won't write it with you. I'm okay with mentions of rape, with rape/sexual assault survivor/recovery plots, and even with one character intervening to rescue another from an attempted sexual assault (if an attempted assault does occur, it will be thoroughly tagged and under a cut). I'm fully open to discussing rape recovery/trauma plots as those are things that happen in real life, and it can be interesting to explore how a character reacts to trauma. But anything else is a no-go, sorry!

⭐ Please be aware that I write Laurens as a gay man. However! Because of the time period, violent homophobia and social stigma, he has slept with women before and may be seen flirting with or referencing relationships with women in the past. He is still gay, and still uninterested in being with women long term, he's simply closeted to all but a few individuals. So, unless your muse is Martha Manning (who Laurens DOES love in a manner, and he always will), shipping with female characters on here most likely isn't going to happen unless it's heavily plotted/developed and part of an overall plot, and you understand that it will not be a conventional sexual relationship. I'm sorry if that disappoints you but I've read Laurens as a gay male for so long I have trouble seeing him any other way.

⭐ I will not roleplay slavery plots. This is not up for debate. Roleplaying a highly fictionalized version of a long dead real person who existed during a troubling time is one thing, but I draw the line at that. For this reason, while I'll happily play with non-white muses, muses using non white faceclaims, and crossovers with characters of all sorts, I'll have to decline playing with any muse claiming to actually be writing slavery. There’s a difference between, say, roleplaying a character like Daenerys, a fictional character who was technically a slave-bride sold by her brother, and writing actual slavery from a very real, horrible time period. Slave ownership will of course be mentioned on this blog, that's unavoidable, but just like the mention of rape may happen on this blog from time to time, it will be in reference to a past event or speaking about the subject in general, not roleplaying a scene of it. Please respect this rule, I was hesitant to make this blog at first, because I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but I won't glorify such a horrible real thing that happened to so many people.

Exclusives/Mains

Just a head's up, unless I develop a bunch of chemistry with a particular portrayal of a muse I'm not likely to agree to being exclusives with anyone, unless perhaps it's a very niche or divergent character that has formed a good relationship of some sort with John and I'd have trouble interacting with other versions of that muse. For major characters I just feel it would be unfair to say no to someone who I click with in every other way, solely because I have already befriended someone else writing that character.

I will, however, discuss becoming mains with someone whom I've either developed or plotted out detailed storylines/interactions with regarding our specific portrayals of our characters. This means that I tend to reply to them quickly when I'm online, or may make little gifts (moodboards, aesthetic things, mini ficlets, whatever) for them unprompted, have a verse dedicated just to them, etc. Even if it seems like we haven't done much on Tumblr, there may be a lot of off-site development on Discord or whatnot that led to us plotting out intricate stories for our muses.

Current Mains:

Alexander Hamilton - @quillborn​

DO

⭐️ Send private messages.

⭐️ Send my character asks/starters/memes.

⭐️ Tag me in things.

⭐️ Ask to plot or ship.

⭐️ Ask for angst, fluff, etc.

⭐️ Submit things to me & my muse.

⭐️ Do crack and other ridiculous things with me!

⭐️ Like my RP threads.

⭐️ Like my personal posts.

⭐️ Comment on my personal/OOC posts (if you want to).

⭐️ Comment on my crack threads.

⭐️ Instant Message (IM) me if you'd like to talk, whether we're friends already or not!

DON'T

⭐️ Send hateful messages to me about other people and especially my mutuals; doesn't count if it's about the muse and not the person playing them, however. Also, if I’ve got beef with someone for whatever reason, don’t harass them/send hate to them on my behalf, please. I don’t condone anonymous abuse, attacking others, or harassment. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself, I promise.

⭐️ Introduce yourself with ‘wanna ship?’ For one, I prefer if we’ve at least started a roleplay together, or have spoken OOC. Auto shipping doesn’t always work out and I hate promising people something only to realize there’s zero chemistry, because then I feel like I’m letting them down.

⭐️ Come into my inbox with just ‘wanna rp?’ and that’s it. Please at least have some idea of what you want to roleplay, it’s not very fun when someone approaches you to RP but then doesn’t offer up any suggestions at all. Remember, you are always free to send me memes, whether we’re mutuals or not, and hit me up for whatever plot you think might interest me! I want to hear about it!

⭐️ Spam me with "reminder" messages if I've already acknowledged you the first few times.

⭐️ Reblog my RP threads if you're not a participant in them.

⭐️ Send me anonymous OOC hate. Hate for Laurens is fine, it's just another form of roleplay.

⭐️ Kill off my character or severely injure/maim my character without permission or having plotted something involving that with me first.

⭐️ Follow me if you're a porn blog. I don't mind blogs that post NSFW content, or smut a lot, etc. I mean blogs that aren't for RP and are literally just a normal looking blog until you click on it and the header and first twenty posts are hardcore nudity and porn. I hate those things.

⭐️ Shame my ships.

⭐️ Complain about my tagging. I put my smut under a 'read more' without exception and tag them as "NSFW //" with two dashes. Things that are not necessarily graphic but still have sexual undertones go under "Suggestive //". I use these tags to avoid attracting attention from porn blogs and porn bots that track certain key words, as such I do not tag my content with "Smut" or trigger words such as "dick, oral, anal, nudity, etc", please block my NSFW and Suggestive tags if you're uncomfortable. Triggery subjects (mentions of rape, animal abuse, torture, mental illness) will be tagged under the name of said trigger with a space and two dashes, example: "Self Harm //", “Suicidal Ideation //” or "PTSD //".

⭐️ Godmod my character. If you’re not sure what is/isn’t okay, come talk to me! I don’t bite! If you’re looking for an example of god mod behavior, here: “X lunged at Laurens, taking him by surprise, and hit him square in the nose, causing blood to spurt.” It might not seem like a big deal but it means that you decided how your character’s actions affected my muse, and not only that, didn’t give him a chance to dodge or anything. Not cool.

⭐️ Ship with me without permission (sending in shippy asks is A-Ok if you're interested in exploring a ship between our muses, I'm talking about things like claiming that our muses are in a relationship without discussing it with me, referencing dates or sexual acts that never happened, etc. I ship mainly with chemistry otherwise things get boring fast.

⭐️ Assume/act like our characters know each other/are closely connected (friends/family/lovers) if we've never discussed it unless it is established in canon/history. This especially goes for original characters. I'm open to Laurens forming deep relationships with OCs obviously, but those have to be developed in character, not just assumed from the first interaction.

⭐️ Attempt to roleplay with me if you are not a roleplay blog/or if you're just trying to RP as "yourself." I don't do Character X Reader imagines stuff. I don't RP with 'fan' accounts, only RP blogs. You can still send asks so long as you're not trying to initiate an RP scenario. For example, asking Laurens what his hobbies are, asking for a blessing etc? That's fine. Spamming me with different actions "you" are talking to Laurens is weird. Stop that. I will also not RP with blogs that claim to roleplay as real life people, such as Markiplier, that's super creepy. This does NOT apply to "historical fiction" roleplay (obviously since that's what this blog is), which is considered its own genre of literature. I'm talking about the above where people will 'roleplay' as real life, currently alive people like YouTube celebrities and ship them with their friends, even if they've made it clear that they're uncomfortable with it. 

⭐️ Get angry at me for doing something you don't like if you don't even have a rules page for me to go by. It's not fair; you can't expect your partners to just read your mind and magically know how you feel. If something bothers you let me know, I’ll make a note about it so I avoid it during our interactions!

⭐️ Use me as a meme resource blog without ever interacting with me. I don't require "reblog karma" for you to follow me, partners are more than welcome to reblog from me, but if we never interact and I just occasionally see you reblog fifteen posts from my meme tag and then disappear again I'm not gonna be happy. Go to the source or to an archived blog no longer getting notifications, please!

⭐️ Reblog my Meta/Headcanons. If they're from a different blog it's fine but the ones I've personally written are for MY portrayal of Laurens. I work hard on most of my stuff and I'd prefer if you didn't reblog it, not because you aren't allowed to have the same headcanon ideas as me, but because then it ends up getting liked or reblogged by lots of other people, spamming my notifications, etc.

OCs & Multimuses

I love OCs and multi-muse blogs (I have my own multimuse sideblog over at @historyremembers, which has other 18th century characters including the Hamilton children and some OCs), so feel free to interact! That being said, please have an about page of some sort on your blog. I can't follow back blogs that have absolutely no information available regarding their character(s). I don't RP with OC children of Laurens. This is nothing personal, but I'm fairly certain he was gay in real life and prefer to play him that way, and he only had one child - who he never even got to meet - in real life, so it just wouldn't make sense to me for him to have other kids running around unless he'd adopted some. If you're a multimuse, I may not follow you back if I'm only familiar with two of your muses if you have a blog of fifteen characters, simply because I'd prefer to keep my dash clean and only have characters/fandoms I'm familiar with on it. I'll still RP with you if you have a character I'm interested in! I just might not follow back if the majority of your characters I do not know, I apologize for this.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, congrats! I know it couldn’t be easy (my ADHD brain was frustrated trying to just write all this up) but it’s necessary so there’s not misunderstandings on what I am/am not willing to RP. I won’t ask for a password since I trust most people to have the courtesy to at least skim the rules of those they want to RP with. 

Have a nice day!

Quarantine is boring! Answer these questions and tag 10 mutuals!

@frankierogothdad tagged me- thanks dude!!

1. What time is it for you?- um 2:42 am.....

2. Cats or dogs?- honestly, both! I have grown up with dogs and still have 2, but I love my cat with all my heart so I don’t think I could choose

3. Favorite color?- this really specific dark olive green my room was painted in high school

4. Favorite food?- generally, my favorite food is maybe sushi but my favorite recipe is my dad’s spaghetti

5. Favorite song?- according to lastfm i have listened to phoning it in 92 times today because its a perfect noisy homework song (ironic) but i wouldn’t consider it my favorite. my favorite mcr song has forever and always been the end while my favorite non-mcr song might be iron maiden’s rime of the ancient mariner

6. Zodiac sign?- Capricorn

7. Where did you grow up?- Ohio, unfortunately

8. Did you go to college?- yeah, im currently in my freshman year of college

9. How has quarantine been?- Personally, not wonderful considering I’m still trying to complete my coursework in the middle of a global crisis. Like, my situation is definitely pretty good comparatively but my adhd makes sticking to a schedule and getting my work done difficult. Especially since a lot of my work has been relating to antebellum slavery recently, which gets very heavy and makes me depressed if I overdo it. However, I have been catching up with my reading and learning guitar, so its not all doom and gloom!

10. Are you quarantined with anyone?- Yep, both my parents and my younger sister so its crowded and tense but not terrible

I feel like the least connected person on the planet but I’ll still tag some folks: @pitchcraft, @sylveondreams, @aowyn, @bettermcn @misti-step, but only if you guys want to and anyone is welcome to join!

Radiohead Fun Facts <3

Fun fact about Radiohead: I know none of the names of the guys and i only know what the one singer guy’s face looks like bc i saw it once somewhere

Fun fact 2: I should probably learn about the individual guys but I don’t because I dont really care that much

Fun fact 3: i should learn abt the bassist tho bc im a bassist and he’s a pretty good bassist so maybe i could learn a thing or two (like this guy is a REALLY good bassist)

OKAY NOW IM GONNA TALK ABT THE ALBUMS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER BUT ONLY THE ONES IVE LISTNED TO

Pablo Honey (1993) - this one is Radiohead's first album and tbh it’s not very good. even if you don’t listen to this band or care about them you probably know the song Creep which is on there. tbh that’s probably the best song on the album and the Radiohead guys themselves don’t even like it that much. They were like “Creep? more like Crap!” (tbh the song isn’t *that* bad, just nowhere near as good as their later music) I’ve tried to get through this album a couple times but i could never do it bc it’s just not that good!!! It seems like it was riding off the grunge wave that was really popular at the time. This means not only did the album not have that much of an original sound but also there were tons of other bands doing this sort of thing and doing it better. Creep is probably the song that has the most unique sound compared to the rest of that album. Also grunge (while more of an era than a genre) is mostly known for who it was sparked by, Nirvana, and Nirvana is punk rock through and through. The Radiohead guys are way to big of nerds to do punk rock. The Bends (1995) - this is Radiohead’s second album and I like this one a lot. It bares some similarities to Pablo Honey in terms of keeping with a little bit more of a rock sound but it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to copy anybody. The lyrics on this album are WAYYYYY better. Like a vast vast improvement. The guitar solos are much better too. The most popular songs on this album I’d say are High and Dry as well as Fake Plastic Trees, these also are probably my least favorite songs on the album because they’re slower and I don’t like the vocals in them as much as other songs. My favorite songs from this album are Just, My Iron Lung, and (Nice Dream), these ones all have more of a rock element than the ones I mentioned previously and the instrumental parts are So Good! Even though I think this album is a vast improvement from the first it still doesn’t completely have it’s own unique sound just yet. I don’t see that as much as a hinderance on this album, just something that puts it below some of the later albums.  OK Computer (1997) - THIS ALBUM! This is the album where Radiohead really comes into their own sound, it still has that rock element but it feels different. All the little details and textures in their sound come together in this great album and puts Radiohead on a clear track for where the rest of their sound ends up in later albums. This album seems to be *The* Radiohead album that most people would know them for beyond knowing them for the song Creep. This album also is pretty special/nostalgic to me because it was the first Radiohead album I listened to. Deadass I spent most of my middle school years listening to that album on and old hand-me-down mp3 player my dad gave me that just had his old music saved to it. I don’t know if i have a least favorite song on the album, all the songs on this album are really good if I’m being honest. If I had to pick a few favorites I’d say they would be Exit Music (For A Film) and Paranoid Android, I like these songs because they feel like they’ve got a lot of story to them just shown through the instrumentals and everything. Also fun fact! I know the bass part to Paranoid Android, it’s still difficult at some parts for me to play but I still love it.  Kid A (2000) - Okay ngl I still haven’t given this one a good listen just yet. I’ve listened to the thing in full maybe once or twice but I don’t remember it well. I have listened to the songs Everything In Its Right Place and How to Disappear Completely quite a few times tho and these songs are amazing. From what I’ve heard from this album/remember from it it seems like a pretty logical next step sound wise from the last album going into the next one. It’s not completely different from OK Computer but it’s definitely it’s own unique thing. The songs on this album are a bit more depressing and more of them seem to be slower and more experimental. You also see a stronger ambient element enter Radiohead’s music here. Amnesiac (2001) - DREAD!! DEVESTATION!!!! This album is really good, I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite album but by god it is a good fuckin album. I’ve listened to this one in full quite a few times in full but it’s been a while since I’ve done that (I’ve just been listening to a song or two from it every so often) because when I first gave this album a full listen I was at a pretty low place. This album has the strongest ambient element Radiohead’s music has had so far, the sound is slower, darker, and heavier. It feels like you’re sitting in the cold rain just soaking wet and not moving at all. The songs are even more depressing too tbh. Once again I don’t have a least favorite song on this album, at least not one that I can remember. My favorite songs would probably be Knives Out, I Might Be Wrong, and You And Whose Army? Top 10 bangers to listen to while absolutely falling apart imo 10/10

Hail To the Thief (2003) - This album is also really good, I actually own this one on vinyl. This album sees that distorted rock element come back a little but this album does have some of the ambient vibe to it as well. It feels a bit more experimental and emotions wise it feels angrier than other albums, not in a punk rock kind of way but just in feeling. I think this album starts to have some crazier rhythms, I’m not sure how to describe it. It feels more advanced than some of their previous music. Some of the songs on this album I’m not the biggest fan of but they’re still good songs it’s just some of the other songs on this album really outshine some others. My favorites from this album are 2 + 2 = 5, Backdrifts, There, There, and Myxomatosis. If I’m being honest while I do like this album a lot I don’t have too many strong feelings about it.

In Rainbows (2007) - OH MY GOD!!! THIS ALBUM!! OH MY GOD!! I love it so much it’s so beautiful. It really encompasses everything I love about Radiohead it’s almost hard to describe. The rhythms are hypnotic, the lyrics are great, the vocals are stellar, the instrumentals- just oh my god I love it to death. I own this one of vinyl and it puts me in a trance whenever I listen to it. There are different emotions in each song on this album but it never falters. It reminds me of something my dad said once where we were listening to a song and he said “just ride the wave” - this is that type of music, the kind of music where you just sit back and ride the wave. I love every single song on this album but Weird Fishes/Arpeggi and Jigsaw Falling Into Place are my top picks for this album. I’ve been working on learning the bass part to Jigsaw Falling Into Place and while I’m not musically literate enough to express exactly what’s happening in this song because I’m not a fucking nerd but I can say that playing this song is like riding the wave, it’s not exact or repetitive but it moves and flows perfectly with the song. Learning music like this as a bassist has taught me to think differently about my own playing. It’s hard for me to pick a favorite Radiohead album for many reasons but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose one I’d say this one is it. 

A Moon Shaped Pool (2016) - There’s a big time skip here because I haven’t listened to The King of Limbs which came out in 2011 but the sound of this album is definitely something that seems like a more evolved version of what Radiohead did on In Rainbows. Holy shit though, this album. THIS ALBUM. This album fucking knocks it out of the park it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever listened to. A lot of people like to say this is Radiohead’s most depressing album, they’re wrong, I can’t speak to albums I haven’t listened to but I can say that Amnesiac is much more depressing than this album. I would call this Radiohead’s saddest album, it has that feeling to it but it’s not draining to listen to in the way that depressing music can be. While the album is sad it also brings me a feeling of peace when I listen to it (though this could be in part because of the associations I have with this album from the first time I listened to it). While In Rainbows is like riding the wave I’d say this album is like floating in dark water, its got that sense of flow while being more gentle about it. The first song on the album, Burn the Witch, doesn’t seem to fit in perfectly with the rest of the music but it’s not a completely jarring difference from the rest of the songs either so I don’t see it as any sort of hindrance on the quality of the album. Once again I love every song on this album, they’re all beautiful and ethereal, but my top picks would have to be Decks Dark and Present Tense. One of my most favorite things about this album is how every song seems to flow into the next, it really is the sort of album that’s meant to be listened to in order and as an entire piece of art. I really appreciate albums that do that sort of thing.

Alright those are my Radiohead thoughts for the time being. I haven’t listened to In Rainbows (Disk 2) or The King of Limbs in full, I haven’t really listened to Kid A much either but I figured it was important to mention anyway bc people talk about that one so much. I also didn’t mention any singles or EPs just bc I haven’t listened to all of them and didn’t feel like talking abt the ones I have listened to. 

IF YOU READ THIS FAR WE CAN MAKEOUT!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR READING!!!

rain ⤳ p.p

rain ⤳ p.p

word count: 1816

a/n: i dedicate this to tom holland’s lip sync battle because its the most important thing in my life as of forever and fvck im obsessed. also legit how the hell do you write kissing scenes im shook. i’m very happy to say that this is one of the only works i’m truly proud of, it’s just near the end that it begins to get sloppy :)) (currently experimenting with second person perspective.)

quote: “PETER BENJAMIN PARKER! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!”

MASTERLIST

You’re waiting. Your pillow-stacked bed was untouched and perfectly made, as it was the night before, and the night before that. It had been for quite some time, having to be the longest you’ve ever gone without sinking into your mattress. Sure, you were tired, but your mind was wide awake. You were convinced that all of New York City, as the city that never sleeps, had moved into your brain–or perhaps that was just the sleep deprivation getting to you.

The rain outside was beating to a gentle rhythm against your unlocked window, almost turning into a lullaby to lure you into a well-needed sleep. You forced to open your drooping eyelids, ignoring the noticeable black bags beneath your eyes as you glanced at the full-length mirror to your right. In that, your eyes trailed off to the reflection of the window. A singular lamppost shone a bright light through the glass–alone in the dreadful weather.

You gazed longingly at that window as if you were waiting for something to happen there. You were sat on the floor of your bedroom, staring at the dark and wet world you were living in. But you were waiting for something else, other than the rustling of the trees in the wind or the sudden crash of rain to attack your home.

You were waiting for your boyfriend, Peter. The boy who stuttered his way into your heart and stole it by distracting you with science puns, and you didn’t mind. You hadn’t seen him in a few days, apparently, Peter was in Germany. When you asked him why he was, you’d never thought you would ever hear him nervously say that he was a YouTube famous, web-slinging superhero. Yup, everyone’s favourite neighbourhood Spider-Man.

He came home the day before and told you everything over the phone. Peter was in Germany, wearing a red and blue spandex suit, shooting webs in an evacuated airport with the Avengers while you paced back and forth in your bedroom, wondering if he was okay. Turns out, Captain America beat him up, but he still managed to steal his shield–not for long, though.

As relieving as it was to hear his voice through the phone, you had to see him in person. You weren’t sleeping because you needed him and you had to know that he was okay. Sometimes you wonder if it was better off for your sanity if he didn’t tell you about his secret.

You were scared. What if, one day, he gets back from patrolling with more than a black eye? And God forbid, what if, one day, he doesn’t come back at all? Your throat closes up at that thought, eyes burning. You confronted him about it when he told you that he was heading to Germany, after breaking it to you that he was Spider-Man.

”No more ‘what if’s’, Y/N. Don’t bother taking the safe route–your boyfriend is Spider-Man.”

“You know, I like it when you call yourself my boyfriend.”

“O-Oh.”

No more what if’s. While you recalled that moment, you heard the window sliding open from the outside. You snapped your attention to the mirror and saw its reflection. There was a familiar figure leaning against the window sill, water droplets dripping from their hair. They stepped inside and stood there, waiting for you to do something.

He’s home. Finally.

“Hey, Y/N,” he broke the silence and awkwardly waved.

You jumped to your feet and ran towards Peter, using all of your energy to jump at him. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he caught you, holding you up by your thighs as your legs circled around his hips. You leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead, gazing down to meet his gorgeous orbs you’ve been longing to look at. You two stared at each other, searching each other’s eyes. You noticed a dark, purple bruise surrounding Peter’s right eye and suddenly you felt a pang of worry strike you in the pool of excitement.

“Oh, Peter, what–”

His eyes shut, he cut you off mid-sentence, slamming his chapped lips into yours. It didn’t take long for you to react. Your eyes fluttered shut and you melted into his craving touch. With racing hearts, you slowly trailed your fingers up the back of his neck, tugging at Peter’s chocolate brown curls. He groaned against your mouth and held you tighter, pulling you impossibly closer. Peter tasted like your favourite flavoured chapstick, and the corners of your lips tugged into a small smile. You raked your hand through his messy hair, making his knees feel weak.

The two of you forgot about the rain and his bruise. You forgot that you need sleep. The world is silent for a moment, and the both of you are satisfied. This is what you were waiting for. Him and him alone.

Peter pulled away first, in desperate need of air. You sucked in a harsh breath, still staring at the boy in affection and awe. Your lips tingled, only wanting more. He met your eyes once more, grinning ear-to-ear. You felt butterflies in your stomach as you blushed, thankful that it was dark.

Peter leaned down and softly kissed you again. “I missed you, beautiful,” he mumbled against your lips.

You rested your head on his shoulder and tickled his ear with the tip of your nose. “I missed you, too.”

The two of you stayed there in silence, breathing in each other’s scent and enjoying their company. You began to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, and you smirked when you felt him tense. Peter rubbed your back soothingly, running his cold fingertips along your spine, making you shiver.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” he realised out loud, taking notice of the bags under your eyes and your drained face, “w-was it because I was gone?”

You shrugged, rubbing your eyes as he kissed your temple. You unwrapped your legs from his hips and dropped to the floor, your arms going around his waist. Peter sighed, tucking a stray hair behind your ear and cupping your cheek with his hand. You leaned into him, your eyes nearly closing.

“Let’s go to bed, okay?” Peter offered, watching your head fall onto his chest.

“No! I wanna do something with you,” you whined like a child, poking him in the side.

Peter mentally agreed. He, too, wanted to do something with you. Anything and everything. But he grew more and more concerned whenever you let out a yawn and loosened your grip on him. Peter looked out and was faced with endless rain and depressing weather. His face brightened.

“Dance with me,” he said simply.

“Here? We don’t have music,” you laughed softly.

Peter took your wrist and intertwined your hands together, rubbing his thumb on the back of your hand. “In the rain,” he corrected, “and we don’t need music.”

You raised your eyebrows and followed his gaze, seeing the large storm. “What if we get sick?”

He narrowed his eyes towards you and yanked your hand towards the window as Peter stepped over the window sill. He was more than grateful that your room was on the first floor of your two-storey house, otherwise, moving down to dance in the rain would be a bit more difficult for the both of them. Also, sneaking out on secret dates from your parents–that, too.

“What did I tell you about what if’s?”

You rolled your eyes and quickly slipped into some worn out sneakers, following him. As you escaped the comfort of your bedroom, the violent wind clashed with your hair and exposed skin.

“If we get sick, it’s your fault,” you reminded him.

“Of course. My fault completely.”

The rain fell on top of you, your hair nearly entirely soaked. Peter let out a playful laugh as he raised both of your hands and twirled you around. You chuckled, skipping onto the sidewalk with him on your tail. You stood on the tips of your toes, raising Peter’s hand and twirling him as he did with you–just not as well. He snorted adorably, taking both of your hands and began shaking his hips.

“Oh my God,” you squealed, face-palming as a small smirk crossed his lips.

You tugged him closer and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Peter smiled, running a hand through his soaking hair. He soon untangled his fingers from yours and clasped his hands around your waist, lifting you up and spinning until you both got dizzy.

“This is so cliché!” you exclaimed, shaking your head like a wet dog.

You yelped as he dropped you suddenly, your feet meeting the floor all too quickly and you fell to your butt on the wet concrete. Peter widened his eyes and fought the growing urge to laugh, but he couldn’t find the strength to and burst out into fits of giggles. You glared at him and within a second, you were up and chasing him down the street.

It was hard trying not to crack a smile. Even if you were a tiny bit pissed, this boy made it impossible to be mad at him–and he knew it.

“PETER BENJAMIN PARKER! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!”

“I-I’M SORRY!” Peter choked out, his stomach hurting from laughing so much.

He peered over his shoulder and stopped running, waiting for you to catch up. As you did, you found yourself punching Peter in the shoulder. He smiled when it had no effect on him whatsoever, and you wanted to slap that off his face when you saw it.

“Shut up,” you muttered, shaking in the cold and hiding your face in his chest, “I’m cold.”

He brought you closer to him with both arms draped across your shoulders. The rain poured over the top of you two and yet, you couldn’t be bothered moving out of it. Peter didn’t mind it at all. Just you, him, and the annoying rain that made your clothes stick to your skin. The two of you have never felt so complete and happy in a long time.

You both knew–those who say sunshine brings happiness, obviously have never danced in the rain.

“I love you,” you told him for the millionth time, smiling up at him.

Peter’s heart melted. He truly believed that your smile could light up the whole world, and maybe if the world stopped and looked at you, everything would be okay. He loved everything about you, but that smile was something else.

“I love you more.”

And he closed the distance between you two.

A-Achoo!

“How did you two get sick at the same time?” your mother had her hands on her hips, staring the both of you down.

“It was Peter’s fault.”

Peter sighed, nodding along. “Of course. My fault completely.”

The Right Path (Part 3)

Prompt: (From request) Hi! I was wondering, would you it be okay to request a Charles Xavier x telepath!reader? Where they have a mind link since their ability first showed up and so they already know each other even before theyve actually met and then he finds her when he first uses Cerebo and he and Erik go to her first?? Its an idea ive had for a while, but im not nearly an amazing writer like you!

Word Count: 1874

Warning: language (maybe??), child abuse, mental and physical abuse, depression…

Note: I LOVED this request. Thank you for sending it in. I am so sorry it took so long to write. I hope I did it justice dear. Plus, thank you for the super sweet note ; ) Beta’d by none other than @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

Forever Tags: @capsmuscles @cocosierra94 @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @harleyquinnandscarletwitch @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @myparadise1982sand @missinstantgratification @thejemersoninferno @rda1989 @marvelloushamilton @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @hardcollectionworldtrash @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr​ @kaeling

James McAvoy:  @bohemianrhapsody86 @lenawiinchester

Charles Xavier: @bohemianrhapsody86 @lenawiinchester

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midterms. Always a pleasure.

No, they were the worst. At least finals meant you could be done. Midterms just marked the middle of a dreadful era.

You sighed as you worked on your physics homework, your eyes straining from the numbers and symbols so badly that your vision actually got blurry. College wasn’t much better than high school, but at least you didn’t live with fearful and hateful parents. Your roommate didn’t want much to do with you, but you couldn’t blame her. You shut yourself off from her on day one. You couldn’t bear the thought of friends and knowing their every thought. At least if they weren’t a friend, their hateful and judgemental thoughts weren’t as hurtful. You had gotten to the point where you sort of tuned out other minds, but you could still hear them, all the time, no matter what.

“Y/N,” the dorm RA said as she came to the doorway and knocked on the bedroom door. You lifted your head from your studies and eyed her. “You have visitors in the lobby,” she informed.

You frowned at her, seeing the two men in her mind. At first, they weren’t recognizable to you, devilishly handsome, but no, not recognizable. You followed her down the lobby where the two men who looked like models spun to face you and you thought the wind had been knocked out of you.

A tiny gasp escaped you when you laid your eyes on him.

Charles Xavier.

He was real...And he was here. In front of you. You didn’t recognize him in the RA’s mind because she saw him for a brief second and she already contorted her memory of him. But in front of you now was the man who visited your dreams. He looked even more handsome in person. He was absolutely dashing.

“Charles,” you breathed without meaning to.

“You two know each other?” Erik asked, his eyes narrowing in the slightest.

Charles couldn’t take his ocean blues off of you though, they were permanently pressed to your face.

“Uh, yes, in a sense,” he answered. “She’s a telepath. She and I have had an unorthodox mindlink for quite some time now,” he informed with a handsome grin that made your insides melt. His voice...It was better than you could’ve ever imagined. And...He was British? Interesting.

“It’s so good to finally meet you,” you gushed as you ran forward and hugged him, happy tears spilling over. It wasn’t usually like you to hug or touch anyone but you felt so connected with him. Like he was the one person on earth you could trust.

He grinned widely in response as he hugged you back.

“You too.”

“How did you find me?” you questioned with glee.

“A long story. Do you have time to talk?” he asked.

You looked around, hoping to find a quiet place but everyone was chatting in the common area and it was rather loud and intrusive. You already heard the thoughts of the other students: “What are they doing here?” “Who are they?” “Why are they talking to her?” “How does she know two foxes like that?” “What could they possibly want with a nobody like her?”

Swallowing your insecurities you said, “Yeah, this way.” You lead them a few buildings away from campus to a small eatery, but only one other person was in there apart from the staff. “Do you want anything to drink? Coffee or...?” you questioned awkwardly, gesturing to the bar.

“No, we’re fine,” Charles assured with that glowing smile that you were sure would never tire of.

“Charles?” Erik said, an attempt to bring him back to reality.

“Right, right,” he quickly said, shaking his head. He gestured to the table in the corner with an open hand. “Shall we?”

You nodded and the three of you sat.

“I’m Erik Lensherr, by the way,” the other wildly attractive man stated as he extended his hand to you.

“Oh, charmed,” you said, taking his hand and shaking it. “You have no idea how thrilled I am to finally meet you,” you gushed your eyes going between the two of them.

“And I you,” Charles noted.

“Charles, you have a bit of drool on your chin, you might want to wipe that up while I talk to Y/N,” he noted sarcastically before giving you his full attention. Charles blushed, as did you, before you let a small giggle out, then you turned slightly more to your right to speak with Erik.

“As you may or may not have guessed, you have a mutation,” Erik started, “Charles tells me you're a telepath.”

“Is that what it’s called?” you asked innocently.

“Yes, it’s quite fascinating,” Charles began as he leaned his elbow on the table.

“Charles,” Erik chided again, his eyes going away from yours and in the general direction of his companion. “As I was saying, you’re a mutant, like us. Charles is a telepath as well and I can move metal.”

You frowned ever so slightly. “Well...while I’m really happy to know that there’s others like me, I don’t see what this has to do with anything. I’ve had these powers for four years, Charles has been contacting me through dreams, why are you two just now getting to me?”

This time, Charles answered, “Because I had no way of reaching out, but thanks to the CIA, they gave me a device that I could reach out to mutant minds. I immediately thought of you.”

“The CIA? Wha--what do they want?” you asked, panic rising in your voice as you tensed up.

Charles reached towards you. “Oh, no, no, it’s not bad. We...We have a job for you. We could use someone like you. We’re recruiting young mutants from all over the eastern coast. Would you be interested in joining us?”

You wanted to say yes...but you had a bit of a life here. And you still didn’t know them.

“How long would I be gone?” you questioned while your eyes darted all over the cafe, avoiding their intense gazes upon your face. Just having them look at you made your nerves, anxiety, and butterflies explode within you.

“We aren’t sure exactly,” Charles explained a little reluctantly, his gaze dancing to his friend’s. “We don’t know how long this job will take. Why?” he questioned incredulously. “Do you have something here?”

“Midterms?” you shyly answered, a gentle shrug coming into your shoulders as you re-made eye contact with him.

“Oh, well, midterms…” Charles noted, knowing how important education was, as he just graduated himself.

“What we’re facing is bigger than some midterm,” Erik said, his finger pointing down hard onto the table.

“I’m sure it is, but I’ve worked very hard to get where I am, I don’t think I want to throw it away for some random proposal to be in a circus of...freaks,” you spat, angry. They were just discrediting everything you’d worked hard for. Maybe it was because they were men, they didn’t get it, they didn’t get how difficult it was for a woman to get where you were.

“Y/N, please, hear us out,” Charles pleaded for a moment. “We want you with us. And mutants aren’t freaks, you’ve only been told that because of what your parents did to you,” Charles spouted quickly.

You narrowed your eyes on him.

“You think that you know because they cast me out that you know me? Or understand me?” you accused, getting angrier.

“He does,” Erik defended quickly. “He helped me. I was going to die, and Charles jumped into freezing waters to save me because I was blinded by rage.”

“Please...let us help you. We can help you learn to control your mind, your powers,” Charles informed. “You and I both know you want this. If you’re really worried about the scholarship, I’ll reimburse you,” he stated sincerely.

You pulled back from him as your eyes scanned him, wondering if he meant it.

“I mean it,” he reinforced, his eyes never once leaving yours. “But I really want you on this team. I really need to get to know you…So will you please help us?” he requested again.

After a moment, you nodded. “Okay, but I want a guarantee I can return to schooling.”

“I’ll write it with my blood if need be,” Charles promised, holding his hands up with a gentle face. You wanted to trust him, desperately. And they were mutants, like you, they weren’t like humans who would turn on you.

“So...what are we up against?” you tentatively asked, the butterflies still raging within, with these two super models sitting here gazing at you. But as soon as you asked the question, flashes of painful memories flickered in your mind. Your face whipped to Erik’s. “You poor man,” you gently said as your hand went to his cheek in an attempt to comfort what he just saw. His face contorted into confusion for a brief moment. “Shaw...What he did to you...Oh my gosh…” You shook your head. “I’m so sorry,” you apologized quickly. “I can’t control it, I just hear and see the things you think. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy…”

Erik shook his head. “That’s alright,” he assured, a soft smile coming to his handsome face. “So now you know what we’re up against. You can trust us.”

You nodded slowly. “So when do we leave?”

“As soon as you’re ready,” Charles answered, that delicate light glowing in his eyes as he stared at you.

“Okay, um, give me an hour to see if I can close out of my semester, grab a bag, and we’ll go,” you informed.

“We’ll be waiting by the car outside your dorm,” Charles said as the three of you stood.

You nodded. “Okay. Thank you again,” you emphatically said as you stepped forward and hugged Charles again, relishing in the feeling of his arms around you. He felt like home. He felt right. Everything about him made you want to trust him. You let go and walked over to Erik to hug him. He seemed to be shocked at first but recovered himself and wrapped his arms around you. “Both of you,” you stressed, your eyes meeting Erik’s, trying to ignore how being this close to him made you feel.

-----------------------

You took care of withdrawing from school, packed a suitcase of your small bit of belongings and met them out front of the dorms. Erik was leaning against the car while Charles spoke to him, before they both looked up to see who was approaching them.

“Ready to go?” Charles asked with a beaming smile that made your breathing stutter.

“Uh...yes,” you said, trying to keep some form of composure around them.

“Here, let me take that,” Charles offered before taking your suitcase to the trunk.

“Allow me,” Erik sweetly said before opening the door and gesturing for you to get inside.

“Thank you very much.”

You slid into the back seat, nervous and giddy for this new chapter in your life. Praying you made the right choice, you tried to relax as Charles got behind the wheel and began driving to your new future.

Hiiiiii! Thank you for blessing my day with Currents. I am, as always IN LOVE 😍 For the ask doodly-do: 13 + 14 + 18 + 24 (maybe top three? since you have so many amazing ones! 😄)

hello sweetie! omg thank you so much for reading currents

13. hardest character to writetbh i struggled a lot with suho in EA but not because he was difficult to understand, just that id never written a power like that before? so getting into his psyche and then structuring his story around temporality like that…idk if that even makes sense. its just such a visual power that i had to make sure it was handled delicately. so yeah suho in EA was the most ive ever struggled with a character

14. easiest character to writehonestly any of the characters in hero come so easily to me. that kind of dark/graphically violent world comes easily to me because the feelings that come with it are the easiest to feel? like if you ask someone about their lowest point, theyd be able to answer pretty quickly. but if you ask them about their happiest, it takes A Lot of thought. so i always feel like the feelings that come from the low points: anger, bargaining, depression, fear, etc i have more experience processing those and helping a character move through them rather than expressing joy if that makes sense

18. favourite pairing to writelmao well long ago i wrote m/m fic with specific ship pairings in various fandoms, but now that i am here i find reader x chanyeol comes easiest (oh wow kat i wonder fuckin why lmaooo) BUT its not just because he is my UB? its mostly because being in yeols head is honestly the most fun for me and i can apply him in a lot of the situations i like to write. hoseok x reader is also a close second; altho writing jongdae x reader for the DYS series is also snatching me

24. favourite scene youve ever writtenmaaaaannn i get asked this a lot and i always go back to a story i wrote in a different fandom so im glad you asked for top 3. ill do the one i usually quote plus 2 more

from Time Runner:

Three weeks was all it took before I killed a man. I told myself it was survival, that he would have killed me, that this was my life now. This was a war between God and men, and if men could command time and temporality, then there was no longer a difference - we were all equal here. His life left his eyes before my dagger left his side, blood hot and thick on my fingers as if trying to burn through my bones. I held him close while he struggled, spasming violently until he stilled, collapsing against my chest like a spent lover. I held him while I cried through grit teeth, understanding that it was easy, easier than I thought it would be, and this would not be the first time I held mortality in my hands. I walked along a river bank until sundown, not wanting to clean my hands, letting the stain on my skin become a tattoo; they were slick for days. 

from Shortwave - Part of Boogie Nights and Colombian Whites:

‘You know, I don’t like people.’ Baekhyun releases small grunts through his words, the effort of slicing through cartilage filtering through his speech. ‘People are cunts. Worthless pieces of come and pussy, self-servicing - fuck, I don’t even like Suho that much.’

‘It’s mutual.’ Junmyeon’s voice cuts through Baekhyun’s little sermon, sharp, pointed, and bored.

‘So what made you think that I liked you? That we were friends? Was it the money I was fronting you to push this shit? Did you think it was a fucking loan?’

Exhaling into the breeze, Yixing chuckles at Baekhyun’s nonchalant tone, almost cordial in its cadence. Any other man, he imagines, would use this opportunity to impose dominance or threat in their word choice. Treading carefully over their words, they would select the ones they find most sinister and brutal in the effort of exerting authority. For as long as Yixing has known him, Baekhyun has never felt the need to do this. He has never done this because he doesn’t need to, choosing instead to let his actions showcase his will. And his will, always and without fail, is lethal.

‘Answer me, I’m genuinely curious. I’d like to know.’

from Chapter 10 of Hero:

‘I’m sorry, are we suddenly forgetting that she’s a weapon?’ come Jongdae’s biting words as he slaps the table with his flat palm. As if expecting this reaction, seemingly no one flinches at the sound, though their attention is now trained on him. ‘True, our honor and respect will be given to her, but are we forgetting it will be done likely without our consent? We have no choice to honor her because she is death itself. We cannot forget she is an omen. She will be the one dictating who lives and who dies, and her inclusion instigates our actions - it’s already happened, don’t you see?’

As he speaks, the words gain speed and volume until he’s nearly shouting. He’s being burned alive just by the idea of a Reader, and Chanyeol reaches out a hand to rest on his shoulder.

‘Calm yourself, brother,’ he says, gently though he knows it will have little result. ‘We are still far from our fate.’

‘I’ll not apologize for being the only one considering how lethal she is.’

As Jongdae speaks, his voice becomes two fold as it harmonizes with the low baritone of a war lord. Keeping his power regulated means the release of other pieces of fury, darker, more bloodthirsty pieces that allow Chen to slip through and paint his vocal cords red. His hand that rests on the table suddenly tenses, fingers and nails dragging along the metal in silence as Jongdae struggles to remain whole.

‘No one is saying they aren’t,’ soothes Yixing. ‘We simply -’

‘If she wills us to die I pray that mine is first blood spilled,’ Chen roars, […]

thanks boo!!

ask me some fanfic writer questions

just need to type smthn out nothing to see here :-)

i need to see a therapist soon lol. i stopped going to my last one around march when quarantine began and i didnt want to deal w zoom calls w her, esp since i felt like i was just rambling to her and repeating myself every appointment and i wanted actual advice on dealing w all my shit, which she wasnt really giving me besides “heres some calming apps to help w ur anxiety :)”

depressions been curb stomping me dude, the days that i have off work i can barely leave my room. cant really make myself eat more than once a day bc of the chance i’ll see my brother or my dad wandering around the house. my brother is gonna b on house arrest for 3 months starting sometime in the next month or so, which will probably make things even more tense in the house than they are already. 

things are so rough for my mom and theres only so much i can do, and when i get like this im not as helpful with things as i need to be. i could write pages and pages about how fucked up my family is right now, life has been going downhill for all of us since the middle of last year. i just need to move out of this house, bc at least if i can it’ll relieve some immediate stress (though im worried as hell about leaving my mom by herself with everything, but if i dont get out of here soon haha...ha oh Man), obviously wont magic away my depression but being in a more stable environment with my friends will definitely make feeling better easier. BUT i also feel guilty bc i havent managed to find a second job in the 2 years!!! ive been saying i need another one, bc the min wage job i have now pays me an avg of $300 per check, most of which goes toward my car payment, so saving is really difficult. my friends say its fine if i need time to get on my feet, that they can support me the first month or so, i love them sm but fuck man i cant even count how many jobs ive applied for that i never heard anything back from, its really disheartening and im so worried that im gonna be a mooch just like i am now off my parents.

idk!!!! things have been bad for a really long time and its much easier to wallow about it than actually do anything. obviously this year has been bad for everyone in one way or another, everyones life has been disrupted by the pandemic and socially/politically we’re in hell, it would just be nice if my brain wasnt on fire while also dealing with that lmao! 

going all the way back to the therapy thing tho, last month my mom told me something from my childhood about my grandpa, who i know groped me, that i cant remember at all. that sent me into a huge panic attack, which i havent had since fuckin like high school, and now im worried im repressing some stuff bc i really cant remember much of my childhood?? i havent really talked about this with anyone bc i dont want to unload all that on my friends when i really should be getting professional help, it just sucks to be sitting on this when i dont even know if im making it up. and if im not making it up, i dont really want to go into therapy and work through it, im scared of what might resurface, i dont want to know even though the not knowing is whats making things difficult right now.

sorry if u actually read this essay of whiny garbage, i just needed to vent. typing things out is much easier for me than verbalizing them

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety, as it has become too overwhelming again, and making my depression spiral. I end up in the doctors office, therapists office, psych ward every few years looking for help. I can’t breathe, I can’t calm down, I’m not hungry. I want help to breathe, I need to calm down. That my body doesn’t listen to my brain, that my body is in a constant state of panic, and it doesn’t know how to be. Any little stress, that I know I can handle, but my body over-reacts. I want control of my body. I want my body to listen to my brain, I want my body to trust my brain that it will work out and I have a plan, and it can calm down, I want my body to understand that I am safe now, and stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to protect me anymore.

 I don’t know how to calm my body down, when it has built itself up to a point, where I am so stressed, every breathe I try to take is difficult.  One therapist explained it to me that I seem to be in a constant state of fight or flight, as my symptoms, are all what your body does when it is in that state. My muscles are tense, my stomach is empty which is ideal, I always have to go pee, every two – three hours or so, the more stressed I am the more often I have to go.

  http://www.youngdiggers.com.au/fight-or-flight

 What is fight or flight response?

This is the body’s response to perceived threat or danger. During this reaction, certain hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are released, speeding the heart rate, slowing digestion, shunting blood flow to major muscle groups, and changing various other autonomic nervous functions, giving the body a burst of energy and strength. Originally named for its ability to enable us to physically fight or run away when faced with danger, it’s now activated in situations where neither response is appropriate, like in traffic or during a stressful day at work. When the perceived threat is gone, systems are designed to return to normal function via the relaxation response, but in our times of chronic stress, this often doesn’t happen enough, causing damage to the body.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a psychological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The fight-or-flight response was first described in the 1920s by American physiologist Walter Cannon. Cannon realised that a chain of rapidly occurring reactions inside the body help mobilise the body's resources to deal with threatening circumstances.

In response to acute stress, the body's sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulates the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline. This results in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. After the threat is gone, it takes between 20 to 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels.

The fight-or-flight response is also known as the acute stress response. Essentially, the response prepares the body to either fight or flee the threat. It is also important to note that the response can be triggered due to both real and imaginary threats.

This is how I live everyday and every moment of my life, for as long as I can remember, I am in a constant state of fight or flight.  I am prone to getting more aggressive when my anxiety spikes.  I have to speak up, to calm my anxiety, I have to correct what is going wrong, I have to fix it and make it better, I have to educate. I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the empathy, the understanding, the caring, to help out and make things better. I like to come up with plans, I have all these great ideas. I need the ability to communicate, respectfully, without haste or panic, irritability. I need my voice to come from the good parts of me, and not be hindered and swallowed by the panic my body is going through. I need my body to trust my mind, and not overreact.  

 Every moment of my childhood was spent being panicked, that something would happen to upset my mother, I was always on guard to make sure everything went smoothly. I am a child of abuse, and my body is stuck in fight or flight. I don’t even remember the last time I was hungry. I eat because I know I have to, to survive. When my life gets a little stressful, and my body goes into anxiety hard core, just the smell of food makes me nauseous. I have to do breathing exercises to calm my body down, so I can eat. I want to eat without needing to take deep breathes before every bite, just so I can get some food into my body. Luckily, I love liquids, I am always thirsty, I drink a lot of liquid, I can get my vitamins, minerals and proteins from drinks, but food would be nice, I miss food so much, I miss wanting food. I’m sick of living, that it is that time of day for food so I should eat something, I enjoy the taste of food, I just want my body to want and enjoy it as much as my mind does. I’m sick of only feeling hunger pains, and not the want that should come before the pain.  I’m sick of not being able to eat too much when I do eat. That if I try to eat too much, my body throws it up. I just want to be able to eat an appetizer and dinner, but my body has decided that is too much food, and my stomach is not allowed to be that full up. Needs to be in prime position for fight or flight.

   I don’t know what it’s like not to have the muscles on top of my lungs being tense. The degree to which I cannot breathe always increasing and decreasing. Even when I am happy, my body is stressed, even at home all alone in my safe place, I am still tense. When I go to the doctors, when I cannot take my bodys reaction to my stresses anymore, when I cant handle it anymore, when I start to feed the anxiety as I cant handle my stress when I get taken over by this underlying issue. I go them telling them I cant breathe, for days now, I haven’t eaten for days, Im not hungry and food smells so nauseous to me. That my muscles are so tense, its causing muscle pains. That when I do get food into me, my body is so stressed, it cannot calmly process it, and my digestive system hurts, and I get diarrhea.  I eat all the healthy foods to make me happy, and it doesn’t matter, will come out stressed. My stomach will rumble and be in pain. I just want to eat, I just want to breathe. I want my body to calm down. I want my body to listen and trust my mind, to understand stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to overreact like this.

 My mind is in a good place, overall. I have casual existential despair. The depression will always be there, suicidal thoughts. I can tell you though whenever someone asks me if I am suicidal enough, if I think of actually killing myself do, I have a plan, I always tell them, I am not on psychiatric medicine right now, and the only time when it is that serious is what those pills do to me. I can guarantee part of my plan to kill myself, is that I have to be on the pills, as they cut me off from my emotions and everything, and they would give me the strength to harm myself in that way. I have been on and off psych meds all my life. The times when I have gotten past the terrors of the first few weeks of the psych meds, and stayed on them for 3,6,9 months or so. EVERY time I have come off them, as I got to the point where I was going to do, I was going to kill myself, I couldn’t take the feeling nothing at all anymore, as the only thing worse to me, then feeling sad and overwhelmed, is feeling nothing at all, no sadness, but no more happiness either, I feel NOTHING when I am on those drugs, I am in a waking coma, I am zombie, I am not attached to me. But EVERY time, when I stayed on them, when I got to the point where it was time to do it, time to put it all in action, I choose life every time. I choose that it was the drug, and not me making this decision. EVERY time, I stopped taking them cold turkey, and guess what, no withdrawal symptoms. I refused to take another pill as I choose LIFE. I want to make this world a better place, I don’t want people to suffer anymore, I want to help.  Psychiatric meds are some of the most addictive pills out there, if you go past the time you were supposed to take them, your body starts to go through the worst withdrawals ever.  The pain everywhere, uncontrollable shaking, the headache, the stomach ache.  You have to slowly ween yourself off, they strongly do not recommend just going off them.

 I have tried just taking anxiety pills, however those were at times when I was really depressed as well. When the anxiety was gone, there was nothing to panic and worry me about the dark thoughts, and the dark thoughts just took over, I never lasted more than 3 weeks on anxiety pills, most times I only last a few days. The doctors refuse to give me one time use, anti anxiety meds, just so I can breathe for a bit, to put my depression into a better place. The anxiety meds do something to my head and it makes me really sad. I don’t need my head in a better place, I can get that there myself, It is exhausting me having to fight my body every day.  I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want my body to relax.

 The doctors keep trying to treat my mind, when its my body I have lost control of. I feel like my body has betrayed me, that I have no control over it.  I have been doing breathing, and sensory exercise since I was in the single digits. My head is full of self confidence, I believe in myself so much, I don’t care about others opinions of me, that is a reflection of them and their character and not of me. I am a good, caring, intelligent, brave, strong, independent woman. I am an example and role model of this, I am a leader. I need to be able to stand confidently in my body, and not have my body betray me, and be stressed out all the time, I need to calm and relax my body. I need to convince it, that it is ok, and it can calm down now, we are safe now. You don’t need to do this to me anymore.

 I can’t live with my body being stressed like this, it is so exhausting and takes such a toll on my mental health.  When do I get to be me. I want this to end, so yes I entertain dark thoughts, however most are me trying to be me, and this wonderful person I want to be.  Just because everyday I struggle with this, as its there everyday, my will to conquer this is stronger. I just don’t want to live like this my whole life, and wonder when will the pain stop, when will my body finally calm down and let me be.

 I go to the doctors as I cant breathe, when it gets so bad, I can hyperventilate for hours. When it gets to the point when it’s a few days in a row, of 4-8 hours a day, where I am hyperventilating it is stressful. I go about my life, as I hyperventilate, as I don’t let it stop me. Sure when its triggered, it’s a full on anxiety attack, crying cant breathe, usually a rant of some kind coming out of mouth. Then I calm my mind, and I wait for my body to catch up. I go back to what I was doing, and eventually I know I will stop hyperventilating, that my breathe will slow, and go back to that tense breathing standard, instead of the hyper breathing.  I want to not overreact when stressful situations occur, I want to be able to communicate, the well thought out words I have in my head. Sometimes my body panics and it takes my head with it, but I calm myself down, as my head has no tolerance for my own BS.  I don’t talk negatively to myself. Some outside stimulus, whether people,  technology, etc something out of my control, sets me off.  And my body overreacts before I can get the words together that I needed to fix the issue. I need my body to cooperate with me. I need to calm my body down. My mind can only do so much, I have lost control of my body, and I need to gain that control back. I need it to stop being in a constant state of fight or flight.

 I am constantly tired, its exhausting. I love sleep, my body gets to rest for a bit. I don’t like how the psych meds make you drowsy, I want to feel more alive not more tired. The sleep on them is not as restful either. I have so many alarms set already as I don’t like to wake, I sleep through some, turn some off in my sleep, and eventually they start to wake me, I hit snooze for awhile then get up, on the doctors drugs, I turn all the alarms off, or just straight up sleep through them, till they turn themselves off, I am so tired on them, when I am awake, I still feel like sleep always, hence the zombie feeling. I have constant dry mouth, I’m always thirsty, I don’t want a pill that will make it worse. The pills can make you not hungry.

 I want someone to treat my body and not my mind. If my mind could convince my body it is ok, and it can calm down now, I would have already. My anxiety was so bad as a child, at 5 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD and insomnia, and was put on ADHD meds, and sleeping pills to sleep at night.  At 5 years old I couldn’t explain, that yes it can take me awhile to fall asleep but once I am out I am out, I love sleep, and can sleep 8-12 hours or more. That I don’t generally get tired till between 12-2, and prefer to wake between 9-11 am. When I go to bed between 12-2 and was ready for bed, it will take me 30 min to an hour to fall asleep. If I go to bed, when I am not tired yet, or way too early, I take 2-3 hours to fall asleep.  When I am tired I will go to sleep. The rest of my family put a stop to the ADHD and sleeping meds when I was 6 or 7, and I learned how to hide that I wasn’t sleeping, I also learned how when I realized I was tired, after being in bed for hours, how to get myself to sleep in less than 10 minutes.

 I saw all different therapists from age 5-18, the one I started to see when I was 5, I aged out of, as only dealt with young children, after that I bounced around with therapists. Also in and out of foster homes, so saw all kinds of workers and supports, took all kinds of classes to make me better.  My mother says she had measles as a baby, and it caused brain damage, and that is what is wrong with her, she was in a few psych wards as I was growing up. There is something just not right about her, there are disconnects, she can take things in her own way, and take things very badly. She doesn’t always know what’s truth and what’s made up.  She is the only one to talk to me and explain it. My family can confirm the measles, but I don’t know if the brain damage is a story she has made up in her head, to explain to herself, why she behaves like she does. Please vaccinate, measles can be eradicated, no baby should be in the hospital for measles.

  Never once in my life, did one of my mothers doctors sit me down and talk to me about my mother. No one explained to me what was wrong and how I can help her. I took lots of classes on leadership, I went to therapists to help me deal with how I can handle my mother, and not take her personally, to help me be strong enough to survive her and take care of her.  I have been taught so well, how to build myself up and not let any one tear me down. I believe in myself, and know how amazing I am. I was my mothers primary caregiver, support, friend as a child.  I have cut contact multiple times with my mother over my life, my mother is mean, she is jealous. I always have to worry about her harsh criticism of everything. My mother doesn’t criticize my knowledge she knows I am smart, she is very proud to have raised a smart, independent, strong woman. It was very important to her when I was growing up to have strong female role models, she tried her best, she wants me to succeed in life so badly. She doesn’t like my clothing or hair choices, I don’t exercise enough, sometimes I am fat. I am underweight, the most I have ever weighed in my life is 145lbs, I am 5 foot 6, that is a healthy weight for me. I reached my height at 12 years old, for every part but that one year I put on a bit of weight, I have weighed between 100-125lbs, most of the time I sit between 110-120. I am always trying to put on weight. I am trying to get my body healthy.  

 My mother stopped working when I was 7, and that’s when it went from bad at home to worse. Work gave her migraines. She is still on disability, still has migraines, other physical pains have manifested in her body. When my mother stayed home all day, she stopped cleaning and I took over cleaning the house. When I didn’t clean something well enough, it showed and proved to her, that I didn’t love her. I would have to convince her that I do love her, I just missed that part of cleaning. I was terrified of cleaning poorly, as it would set off my mother, she would cry, and insist that I hate her, that I did it on purpose to hurt her, she would take a missed spot of cleaning personal.  I always helped my mother clean, I remember being three and cleaning the bathroom, that was the room my mother hated cleaning the most, and one of the first responsibilities I had around the house.  If I missed a hair while cleaning the bathroom, I was grounded. As I wasn’t cleaning properly, I didn’t care about cleaning I didn’t care about her, I was a liar.

 I lived through so much stress,  I just want my body to understand it is ok, we are free, we are safe, it can relax, it can calm down. My body doesn’t know how to live another way, I don’t know how to teach it how to calm down, how to trust me, that I have it, and if not, its ok, as bad things happen, and its fine we always get over it. Pretty quickly actually, we are good at that. My body doesn’t understand, it doesn’t know how to live without being under constant stress, this is how my body is now always.

 I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want to relax, and have control over my body.

  Please Help me

And not another psychiatric drug, not another therapist. My issues in my head are dealt with and handled, I need help with my body, not my mind.

Memoir 2k17

Finally 2017 already ended. So much things happened through out the year. Good and also bad things. Whatever it is, there’re so much things to be learned rather than complaining. Alhamdulillah, i survived. 

The bad things will make you much more stronger than before and it will letting yourself to be prepared for tomorrow.

 Degree life isn’t that easy, within 4 years a lots of things could happen and at one time you will be so happy and at the other time you might feel lost and there is when the depression kicking in. Discussing about depression, i think i need a whole night to write about it, perhaps more than that. But what i can tell is, its real. Its pain. Even you are surround with many people, but you will tend to feel alone, and the more yourself trying to ignore that feeling but then it makes the situation much more overwhelming. It really is, so be careful. The cause of depression varies among people, but the main thing is he/she might feel alone, they feel not being appreciated and lastly they don’t have a person for him/her to share their stories with. Those feelings really sucks.

So how i manage to get rid of it? I try my best to see beautiful in every test that i need to go through and think the good reason behind it. Besides, obviously we need to find a friend who dare to listen and understand. 

Its is a huge difference between the one who only listen and the one who listen, try to understand your situation, motivate and help you to go through it.

To tell you the truth i still fighting for this depression. My suggestion is have sometimes to google up positive quotes and watch motivational video. For instance, “Aida Azlin” (facebook) i love to watch her motivational videos which is not so heavy to be understood. And try to distract yourself as much as possible and at the same time develop your inner positive vibes. Believe me, it may seems difficult but it will mend your soul a little bit. Come on, healing takes time. Don’t rush, let the wound heals properly.

If you have to let some people go, even he/she is so meaningful for you just let them go. If the person loves you as you love them they will not hurt you for a long time. If they care, they will ask, but if they dont ? So, why you have to let yourself constantly being hurt by the same person for a long time? Don’t you care about yourself. Stop giving too much, end up you will hurt so much.

Have some dignity. Open wide your eyes, theres so many person that need to see your smile. Be strong. Give them hope, and be bold. 

Let the old version be a memory. Take the lesson and embrace our life back. Stop living in the darkness. We all deserve to be happy. . 

At somepoint, ive been thinking, study doesnt cause really damn tense situation but social environment did. So choose your friend wisely. Your mindset need to be clear for you to focus on . If the things have nothing to do with your future or your goal, just put them a side and continue searching for what you’ve planned before. Remember after you graduated from this university, you only have yourself. People will get busy with their stuff, so you have to be independent from now. 

Sometimes, the one who close to you will ignore or throw you away when he/she have someone new, which is more significant. So, you have to make a move. Im too tired to talk about this. Just remember to treat someone good as he/she happened to help you during the time you really need a help. Valued them, give a wide smile everyday just like how you treat your love ones, talk nice to them and notice that they have a heart too.

I really dislike when a person said, ‘aku layan lelaki lain, perempuan lain’ So, kalau perempuan jatuh aku tolong angkat guna tangan, and kalau lelaki jatuh aku tolong guna kaki boleh? Stop discriminate. Every one deserves to be treated nicely.

Whatever it is, yang lepas tu biar lepas. Make 2k18 much more happening, kurangkan overthinking. Jadi positive selalu. Biar yang mana nak berkawan dengan kita tu, kita hargai dan mana yang nak pergi tu let them be. Kadang kita pun ada kurang, tak dapat beri apa yang dia nak, tak dapat nak buat dia gembira. Well usaha kita limited, apa yang kita boleh buat pun ada limit. Maaf kalau sepanjang 2017 insan yang bernama Shahrul Azhar Sharom ni ada telah menyakitkan hati sesiapa secara sengaja atau tidak sengaja. Ada silap tu confirm, harap dimaafkan, kalau tak puas hati tu bagitahu je (tapi bukan dengan cara humiliating haha kalau macam tu bole buat gaduh weh) Diri ni pun banyak juga khilaf memang tak sempurna langsung. So, im really sorry. May this year filled with joy and happiness. In shaa Allah, no depression, no more overthinking. 

And if there’s anything to ask or to tell me, you can hit the ‘ask’ button on top of my page. Good luck everybody for this 2018. May all of us will be blessed. :) 

Thank you, Sinad OConnor, for showing the messy reality of mental illness | Paris Lees

The Irish singers Facebook video is difficult to watch, but vitally important, writes freelance journalist Paris Lees

Three cheers for Sinad OConnor, who has this week torn down the glossy facade of the public debate around mental health. The video the Grammy-award-winner posted to her Facebook page on Monday a motel room recording that has caused concern around the world is not easy viewing. Seeing her desperate call for help and her honesty about suicidal feelings is excruciating. And not just because we know that she was once one of the biggest stars in the world. She expresses her pain so passionately you can almost taste it.

And I tell her this: thank you. For showing the reality of mental illness. The wailing, ranting, desperate demon that secretly tortures millions. Ive never been to that motel in New Jersey but I have been in that room with you. Earlier this year I suffered a particularly serious mental breakdown. I have been too ashamed to talk about it publicly as Im keenly aware of the stigma attached to pain and chaos this raw. Thank you for showing millions of us that we are not alone.

As OConnor notes, the stigma is often worse than the mental illness itself. And while we are now used to thinking of stigma as being a consequence of mental ill-health, research shows that, in the form of prejudice and alienation, it is also a driver of morbidity. In other words, people who feel stigmatised in life are more likely to become ill and die. We know that gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans people are much more likely to suffer with poor health, as are people from minority ethnic backgrounds. Almost half of all trans kids in Britain have attempted suicide. Stigmatised already, they then face further stigma when they become ill. Talk about kicking people when theyre down.

In the past decade fantastic campaigns such as Time to Change have transformed the conversation. Matt Haig has no doubt saved many lives with his book Reasons to Stay Alive, and Bryony Gordon deserves praise for all shes done. She landed the scoop of the year by getting Prince Harry to open up about his mental health battles. The younger royals are doing admirable work to raise awareness.

But while I applaud the efforts of these campaigners, I cant help feeling that the conversation about mental health has, up until now, been sugar-coated and sanitised. The focus is on illnesses that seem more easily relatable so, for example, we hear lots about depression and anxiety but no so much about schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder. Everything is past tense: battles have been overcome. The chaos is hidden.

I understand. Few people want to listen at the point when someone is struggling most. Its too awkward for everyone involved. And who wants to show the world the depths that mental illness can take you when youre right there at the bottom? Not me. Ive only felt able to talk about my mental struggles in the past tense myself, as though the depression I suffered as a student was a neatly packaged thing Id since tidied away. Its not.

In addition to laudable mainstream campaigns we also need to see the reality of what mental illness can do to people up close the same way we need to see images of people fleeing other harrowing situations for which there are political solutions if only there was the will. The world is not all roses and sunshine and Instagram filters, sadly. It is messy and, for many people, hopeless. Its time we woke up and asked why. OConnor has spoken openly about being abused as a child. There is no point discussing mental illness without acknowledging the circumstances that can lead to it.

I wasnt surprised to see Annie Lennox was one of the first to voice concern for OConnor. Lennox has spent the past 30 years expressing exquisite pain and joy in her music, music that has helped me find a way out of more dark tunnels than I care to remember. If only we were all as compassionate. I saw many people on social media dismiss OConnor as crazy and an attention seeker, as though the solution is to just lock her up and forget about her. She needs love, support and understanding. Everyone struggling with poor mental health does.

As OConnor rightly points out, though, many people lack her resources. I am university-educated and tenacious. Yet I know how difficult it is to access therapy on the NHS. I had to wait almost a year before I was accepted, during which time I ran up huge debts going to see a private therapist. God knows how people who are already not coping are supposed to deal with all the many hoops youre expected to jump through. No wonder some people can feel like there is no way out. Yes, mental illness kills people. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in Britain. It is a real crisis.

Theresa May talks the talk when it comes to improving mental health services but it remains to be seen if she will deliver anything but bluster during her premiership. Maybe if watching OConnors self-proclaimed rant makes us uncomfortable its because we are uncomfortable with our complicity in failing to address the things, such as abuse and poverty and stigma, that can drive people to mental ill-health.

There are millions of people suffering in their own private hells as we speak. Thank you again, Sinad, for giving this secret misery a face we need to see it.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here

Paris Lees is a freelance journalist, campaigner and presenter

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Just Let Me Love You

Description: How Park Jimin, a guardian angel, helps his designated human, Kim Taehyung.

AU: GuardianAngel!Jimin, Serendipity!Jimin

Word Count: 717

Pairing: Jimin x Taehyung

Genre/Warnings: depression/mental illness, fluff, slight angst 

Note: i struggled super hard while writing this bc im stuck with a horrendous writer’s block????? i hate my brain ugh so sorry @anony if its not that good ;-;

-----Jimin-----

It was going to be another bad night. Jimin could hear it, from the rumble in the distance and occasional booms of thunder. He could see it, through his windows, the waves crashing onto the pillars his home rests upon. And tonight, he could feel it, as he perched on his windowsill. The entire universe as he knew it lay shaking and trembling. His lamps flickered on and off and his carefully stacked books flew off of the shelves while he leaned against the cool glass.

Jimin sighed. This was becoming a frequent thing, what with the humans’ school year starting once more. All he could do at this point was wait the storm out, wait for that tiny, precious cat to stagger slowly into his living room and onto his lap, as it always did after an evening such as this.

The first time it happened was a few years ago. It hadn’t even been three days since Jimin simply blinked into existence in this humble little shack, and just as he was settling into it, he heard the horrific crackle of godsfire spread across the sea. Truthfully, Jimin had never seen it in use outside of the heavens, and the fact that it surrounded him as far as his eye could see was absolutely terrifying. Though water was the natural enemy of fire, the oceans could do nothing to staunch the godsfire. He waited for hours that blurred into days, praying for it to be over, never knowing if he was to be burned alive or rescued. As it turned out, neither happened, and the godsfire mysteriously disappeared on its own.

Jimin considered himself a pretty slow learner, but he’d have been damned to not recall anything about his situation after that.

He was a guardian angel, assigned by his superiors, the Dominions, to a human they believed needed his help the most. In this generation, that person happened to be a boy named Kim Taehyung.

So there he was, in the middle of Taehyung’s, or as Jimin liked to call him, Taetae’s, mind. It’s been approximately three years now, and each successive occurrence has taught Jimin to be wary of sudden inclement weather changes. This time, it was an earthquake and a storm. One disaster already meant bad news, but two?

“Taetae,” he called out to the air, “come here, let me help you.”

Thunder resounded in the distance as response. And after that, silence.

-----Taehyung-----

Taehyung laid silently on his bed with the lights turned off. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone at home and preferred the cool darkness that engulfed his room. He was so tired of it all, but the tears wouldn’t come.

He always pitied the fact that Jimin was forced to watch over someone as difficult as him. Taehyung kept his depression hidden well, most of the time, but Jimin knew. He always knew, being in Taehyung’s head and all. He always knew, because Jimin’s comfort living in his mind depended on how well Taehyung could control his mood swings. His brain mirrored his emotions, and when he lost control, the peaceful, habitable scenery he’d created for Jimin transformed as well.

“Taetae, come here, let me help you.” He heard Jimin’s soft voice breathe in his head. His tense muscles eased up slightly at that sweet, melodic sound, and he let himself doze off.

According to Jimin, guardian angels weren’t supposed to be able to talk or meet with their humans, making him and Jimin’s relationship quite special. He wasn’t sure what made him able to communicate so easily, or why he could never bring himself to show up in Jimin’s battered house as his human self. He felt small and insignificant as a cat, and Jimin’s warm caresses helped him forget about his troubles long enough to regain his self-composure.

-----Jimin-----

Jimin heard the soft steps of a cat’s paws on the carpet and looked up. There his human was again, diving straight for Jimin’s lap. He smiled at his calico cat, letting Taehyung settle in comfortably.

As he ran his fingers through the soft fur, he leaned into the tiny body and whispered, barely audible amidst the raging sea, “Just let me love you.”

The cat sighed peacefully and closed its bright eyes.

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

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Susan Sarandon: ‘Its an easy place to put your frustrations, to blame me’

The actor discusses playing Bette Davis in the new small-screen drama Feud and why shes tired of people criticizing her for refusing to support Hillary Clinton

Susan Sarandon is here to talk about a much-publicized feud between two successful women. But, as the Oscar-winning actor and activist had made crystal clear the week before I spoke to her, during a tense interview on MSNBCs All In, shes not interested in talking about that feud.

Rather than yet another over-analysis of her role in Hillary Clintons shock election loss, shed rather turn the discussion to talk of Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, two women also pitted against each other, this time in 1960s Hollywood. In Feud: Bette and Joan, the latest FX show from Ryan Murphy, creator of American Horror Story and American Crime Story, the intricacies of their famed battle are brought to vibrant life with Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford and Sarandon playing Davis. Its a fun, snappy eight-episode behind-the-scenes reveal (the next season will focus on the feud between Prince Charles and Princess Diana) and provides a worthy reminder of the destructive influence that meddling men had in tearing the two women apart.

This is a really blatant example of trying to control two people by making sure they dont join forces, she tells me on the phone, dog yapping in the background. I think that mentality and lack of imagination you can see in all the reality shows. Thats the entirety of their plots: just turning women against each other and getting them drunk so that something dramatic happens, even if its a fight over nothing. Its always easier, I think, to suck people into drama when its negative as opposed to something thats constructive.

Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis and Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford in Feud: Bette and Joan. Photograph: FX

If thered been a Real Housewives of Hollywood in the early 60s, Bette and Joans on-set sparring while making Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? would have made for a ratings magnet. There was a pay dispute, nastiness in gossip columns, petty pranks and even physical violence. But over 50 years later, the business is different: studios no longer own stars in the way they once did and women are making headway towards equality. Competition is not what it once was.

I think that happened just in my generation, Sarandon says. I see examples of actresses just a little bit ahead of me who really saw women as their enemy and had no intention of forming any kind of alliance. Now, thats certainly not true. You might be envious of a part you didnt get but its switched to understanding that you need women as allies and that were stronger together, not divided.

Its an ethos thats been reflected throughout her career, with roles in a number of Bechdel test-smashing films, including The Witches of Eastwick, Thelma and Louise, Little Women, Stepmom and last years acclaimed comeback vehicle The Meddler. Shes also been keen to work with more female directors, having recently worked with a set of them on the production of Feud, but one area of equality that shes less sure about is that awkward matter of who gets paid what.

I dont think it matters that Jennifer Lawrence is paid 70 times more than what I am, she says. Its a business that is so subjective and I feel so lucky to be able to earn a living, and this is why to go after pay equality is a really chancy subject because if Tom Cruise has a leading lady thats in the movie as much as he is, should she get the same amount of money if shes been in the business a shorter amount of time? And should a character actor thats been in the business for 50 years not get paid more? Its a sin what happens to these supporting actors through the years where they can barely exist on the pay they get. Theres no equity in terms of value, and who knows how these decisions are made. So you cant apply that to feeling unfair because the whole fact that actors get paid as much as we do is ridiculous. I mean, what a fabulous life. I cant bitch about whatever my pay level is. I dont focus on that.

Susan Sarandon in The Meddler. Photograph: Sony

But as content as Sarandon seems, theres no denying that shes been frustratingly absent from the spotlight in recent years. Shes not stopped working but more often shes been taking on small, little-seen roles. Its not simply a dearth of scripts for women of a certain age in the industry, its also Sarandon being understandably picky. Unlike many other Oscar-winning female actors, shes resisted the urge to take on thankless roles in franchise fodder. She chose not to play the doomed female president in last years Independence Day: Resurgence (When I read the script, I couldnt understand what was going on) and the only sequel youll see her in any time soon is John Turturros Big Lebowski spin-off (something she calls a crazy film that she still cant believe they got the money for).

After the success of Thelma and Louise, many thought it would be a game-changer, showing Holly-bros that theres a sizable audience for a film about female friendship but as Bridesmaids has since shown, these hits are often seen as unlikely exceptions and fail to cause the seismic shift predicted. I think that a woman can look at a story that has a male protagonist and can identify that she could do that or be in that situation, she says. But I think its harder for male executives to imagine that anybody is really gonna get into a female lead because its hard for them to imagine. I dont think its meant to be a mean thing, I just think its a lack of imagination.

Its meant that, while shes starred in a number of aforementioned female-fronted films, shes still been paired mostly with men throughout her career. Its been a generally harmonious time, but Sarandon recalls the closest shes got to having a Bette v Joan situation. There was one gentleman, she says. He hadnt really done films, I dont think, and he was in the midst of a very successful TV run and was a heart-throb. There were definitely some problems and hed developed some habits, because in the atmosphere where he was working, he wasnt used to women challenging him in any way and was spoiled by the rules that they set up. At one point, they allowed him to leave on my reverse at the end of the day, so I was suddenly expected to do my lines with the script supervisor and him gone for my close-up.

She wont give me a name but she counts it as a rare occurrence. I dont thrive on tension or any kind of aggression, she says. But its an unavoidable part of the job, especially, depressingly, for a woman who chooses to speak her mind. While men might still be seen as brave and refreshing, women who speak out are still often painted as difficult or bitchy. Sarandon knows this all too well.

I think it is more annoying to have a woman with opinions for a lot of people, she says. I couldnt give you any solid proof that has hurt my chances in the business. Today in the New York Times, they were talking about the Academy awards and the fact that I was one of the people who didnt get a nomination for The Meddler, and [it] mentions that it might have something to do with the Clintonized Hollywood, when I supported Bernie Sanders.

Bernie Sanders and Susan Sarandon in April 2016. Photograph: Brian Snyder / Reuters/Reuters

Which brings us to the elephant in the room (or over the phone). Sarandon was a vocal supporter of Sanders as he ran against Clinton to become the Democratic pick for president. When he lost out on the nomination, she expressed her frustration and publicly endorsed the Green candidate Jill Stein instead, stating that she did not vote with her vagina. She had previously called Clinton more dangerous than Trump.

I have had a huge amount of backlash, she says. Theres been a really strong blame for a lot of things that are obviously not my fault.

A cursory scan of Twitter shows a stream of bile all the way from the Will & Grace star Debra Messing to the author Kurt Eichenwald. Sarandon remains defiant, unapologetic and frustrated with Democrats who suggest that shes let the party down.

Theres no valid argument, she says. Its just an easy place to put your frustrations, to blame me. I mean, if you read the list of people who voted Hillary Clinton and then I think its me and Viggo Mortensen on the other side. Youd have to be delusional to actually think that Beyonc and Jay Z and George Clooney and Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep, and the list goes on, were actually overpowered by the two of us.

But shes unperturbed, still hyper-aware of the daily failings of Trumps government. And despite resistance, shes continuing to show up at Democratic events, such as a recent anti-Trump rally in New York. Im focusing on reaching out and forming a coalition not only with all of Hillarys people but with people I know that voted for Trump, because we have serious work to do now, and we cant indulge in blaming or depression or any of those things, she says. There isnt time any more to look back. We have to look forward.

Feud begins on FX on 5 March at 10pm with a UK broadcaster yet to be confirmed

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from Susan Sarandon: ‘Its an easy place to put your frustrations, to blame me’