A snippet of chap 23 for being oh so nice to me during this entire time <3

"As hot as you are right now," Y/n said over a dopey grin and flushed cheeks "The smell of sweat makes the redstone cinnamon smell stronger and I'm doing everything in my power not to sneeze in your face." 

As this story comes to an end, before I release the ending, im gonna take some time to write all of them so it can be as perfect as I need it.

Thank you for being around to read my funky little story.

I can't wait to start anew once im done with this (and the one shots) and new love interests

I'm so sorry im taking so long with everything. One shots will come out faster once im down with SoB. Promise.

Much love, Luna

doing the thing where my on repeat playlist predicts my 2024!! got the idea from @random-trans-guy

january: 1 trait danger - oh actually (uhh i guess i wanna kick someone’s dad in the balls and don’t have any friends..)

february: the cardigans - starter (starting my life over and and feeling like i might die soon maybe??)

march: jeremias - goldmund (finding myself and my true love but being all confused and feeling alone but happy, someone wants me to come back to them) (inspired by the novel “von narziss und goldmund”)

april: lucy dacus - night shift (BREAK UP??! someone cheated on me and i don’t feel like forgiving them but i do it anyway.. also i wanna punch my ex in the teeth, call them a bitch, and leave…)

may: car seat headrest - unforgiving girl (she’s not an) (i find love but disconnect with the person a lot i suppose?)

june: david bowie (but the csh cover) - golden years (LIVING THE LIFE WOHOOO i have a chance for achieving a lot of the things i want but don’t manage to do it all though)

july: sir chloe - too close (ummm manipulative relationship and drugs)

august: the cardigans - rise & shine (i realise you only live once and what i experience today will already be gone by tomorrow so i decide to say goodbye to my friends and live a happy life with the moon.. sounds great tbh)

september: arctic monkeys - baby im yours (i am so in love with someone i feel like it will last forever… because it will. id do anything for them because i feel like our relationship will last until eternity.)

october: jeremias - der schmerz ist vorbei (“the pain is over”) (someone very important to me left me or died, although our relationship was very toxic and its only good for me that they’re gone, i miss them and it hurts like hell that they’re not there anymore. the pain is gone, but that exact feeling of it not being there anymore hurts me even more.)

november: rio romeo - nothings new (my lover and me fall apart, nothing is new, everything stays the same and it hurts both of us that the world seems to stop turning, they’re about to leave me and i feel like collapsing)

december: will wood - i/me/myself (i feel very disphoric, especially with my body, i feel like everyone would like me better if i were a way that i hate myself and although id be very sad it would be easier for everyone to like me that way. i discover i can only be one person at a time)

bonus for 2025: car seat headrest - kimochi warui (when? when? when? when? when? when? when?) (feeling sad again, wanting to die. comparing myself and my life to other people who are also doing bad, very hopeless, no faith in life is left. i don’t even believe in happiness through death anymore. wow, sounds like a great year)

The Cost of a Legacy (5)

Summary : He sees her and she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, everything perfect. Well except the fact that they’re growing up during the revolutionary war. Their love will hit many hurdles and what the future has in store may not be what they planned.

Pairing : John Laurens x Reader

Words : 2,102

July 1772

Dearest John,

I’m so sad to hear you won’t be coming to see me, but of course, I understand. It’s a very long distance from Charleston to Switzerland, the voyage is exhausting. Trust me. I miss you, my love, please next letter don’t be so vague. I wanna hear about work and your studies, on how your mother is or how your siblings are. I won’t lie John your letter upset me, I can tell you wrote it in a rush, your penmanship is usually much neater. I understand some times you might not have time to paint me your whole day, but I long to hear your thoughts. Daddy hasn’t written in a while, unfortunately. Anna, my helper tells me to stay positive but I fear he’s in trouble. He’s never been this distant with me, I don’t know I guess I’m feeling farther away from him every day. I miss you John, please write back soon. 

Yours truly,

(Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

August 1772

Dearest John, Are you well my love? It’s odd of you not to write me back. I’m worried sick John, after what you said in your letter about your mother, I fear the worst. I don’t want to assume something like that so please John explain to me what’s happening. Its times like this where I wish I was still in Manhattan, it’s still far from you but I’d take the ride to you right now if I could. I miss home, I miss you, John Laurens, I miss daddy, I miss Angelica and her sisters. John, I know its selfish but your letters make me feel normal like I’m still there with all of you. Please, John, write to me.

Yours truly, (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

August 1772

Dearest John, I’m just sending this incase my other letters you didn’t arrive. Maybe our lack of communication is just on hold for now. If that’s the case disregard my tone, I’m worried that is all. Be well, John.

Yours Truly (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch.

September 1772

Dear John,

Its fall already, every one of my friends says they can’t believe I’ve been to Switzerland a year, how fast the times go. Not for me every night I pray to God that he puts me back in New York and every day I wake disappointed. The days only seem to drag, the same routine every day. Daddy hasn’t written to me but he has written Anna, she says the letter is private but that he wishes I be well. I don’t understand why he couldn’t have written that to me. My days are clouded with confusion now. You have yet to write to me and I might know why I wrote my dear friend Angelica and she says she saw you in Manhattan the other day. So great, at least I know your alive and kicking. Angelica writes that I should be angry at you, for obvious reasons, but she has another claim. She states when she saw you, you were accompanied by a woman. She says she wasnt near the age of any of your sisters, I want a clear response. If your even willing to give me one. I want you to write to me and explain what’s happening, are we done? If you no longer want me John tell me. I’m sick of feeling so helpless. I’ve tried to defend you, maybe something came up with your mother, maybe your busy with studies or your father’s company. But if you’re able to lounge around New York then you’re able to send me a letter with a quick response. Please, Im driving myself mad. My mother, my father, now you? It’s too much abandonment John, so for my birthday this month please write me something, anything. I’ve never asked for anything on my birthday, so grant me this John. An answer, I can forgive you, John, If you still want to continue this.  

Truly

(Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

October 1772

“James, wheres John?” Henry had been searching for his older brother all morning, since their mother passed John hadn’t been the same. He avoided his father and siblings opting to only spend time with Martha. Matha had been staying with them since the funeral, her father still in London funding her visit. He knew John was basically using Martha as a way of coping but it wasn’t right, at least is Henry’s mind it wasnt. Especially when John knew that Martha would do anything for him, and he’d do nothing for her.

“He and Martha went out for an early horse ride, again. And he didn’t say goodbye, again.” He frowned putting his book down, “When is John going to be normal again? It’s like I see him and he’s there, but I feel like he’s gone with Momma.” Henry sighed patting his brother, “Don’t worry little man, I’ll bring John back.” He made his way out, sitting on their porch waiting for the couple to return. He grabbed the mail in the meanwhile.

There it was as he suspected, a letter from (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch. He knew John was really messed up when he stopped writing (Y/n) back, she had written him many times, probably confused why her John was avoiding her. His brother hadn’t sent anything to Switzerland since July. Even though Henry didn’t like her much he did sympathize with her.

He knew his brother hadn’t forgotten about her too because every time he presented him with a new letter John would take the letter to his room and stay locked in all night. One night Henry passed his room and heard sobs from his brother, from her letters he assumed.

He sat there waiting till he saw his brother riding back into their barn. Henry made his way over letters in hand, “Good morning Henry! Sorry we left before any of you were awake, John wanted an early start. Right darling?” Martha dismounted her horse gracefully turning to John who simply nodded. “No worries Martha, I have a letter from your father if you liked to read it.” She squealed, “Yes thank you, Henry! John, I’ll be in my quarters if you need me.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek handing him the reins of her horse, strolling away.

“What do you have there?” John asked still not looking at his brother, as he put his horses back. “Oh, you know the usual, a letter from that poor girl your torturing in Switzerland.” He handed the letter to him, John tucking it into his vest. “When are you going to write this girl back? She’s probably worried sick about you, John it’s cruel.”

“I will soon, I just don’t know what to say to her.” Henry sighed “How about, hey (Y/n) remember how I said Id court you and write you because I cared for you so much? Well, guess what I’m courting someone new and don’t care for you anymore.”

“I do care about her and I’m not courting Martha, were friends that’s it.” Henry scoffed, “Well ‘darling’ Martha thinks she’s getting courted and (Y/n) is probably being courted by some Swedish guy who actually gives her the time of day.” He walked away, annoyed with his brother’s behavior.

(Y/n) wouldn’t do that to him, right? But Henry had a point he was basically doing that to her but with Martha. He hadnt meant for things to go this far with Martha, sure he hadnt kissed her but keeping her here for this long was definitely giving her the wrong message. He made his way out of the barn and up to his room, making sure to lock it.

Once in his room be pulled out a box under his bed, they’re wrapped in (Y/n)’s ribbon were all her letter. He sat as his desk and pulled out the new one, beginning to read it.

End of September 1772

Dear John Laurens,

I am now 15, you are about to be 18. Happy birthday John. If you were curious to know I spent my birthday with Anna alone. I hoped you’d bless me with a letter but no surprise you’ve disappointed me again. I wanted to take the time to tell you our courtship is over, though for you it might have been over long ago. I will cherish our childhood memories well, and when I’m old I’ll think back and smile. For now, I’ll force a smile until someone comes around and changes that. Thank you, John, for everything, you truly changed my life. It goes without saying that this will be my last letter to you. I hope you have a prosperous career and hey maybe that dream you had about your all-black regiment will come true. Never give that up John, you’re destined for greatness, I know it. I don’t want this part to sound bitter but find a good wife John, someone whose smile lights up your world. Have those 7 kids you want, which I still think is a crazy number. I wish you the best John, I’m sending your necklace with this letter. I assume you’d want it back, and I can’t keep it if I’m not yours anymore. The next girl will adore it, John. Best of luck to you, old friend.

Sincerely (Y/n) Fiore Gavalanch

He sighed wiping the tears forming in his eyes, he should have seen this coming. He took the envelope and pulled out her necklace, his hands shook as he placed the necklace in her box. He understood leaving (Y/n) in the dark for so long was wrong, but he wanted to see if he could make his mother happy. He tried to love Martha, god that was all he was doing for the past 4 months, putting all his time and energy into getting himself to like her. It wasnt fair to either of them, he knew that with (Y/n) if had written her back he knew he wouldn’t have been able to focus on Martha. Martha was everything his mother wanted for him and he was trying to please his mother. The pain he was experiencing now from losing (Y/n) was it worth it? He abandon a girl who knows the feeling too well.

She couldn’t control her mother dying so she grew up with no female guidance. Her father did what he thought was right and left her alone in a foreign country at such a young age. And now he who promised to wait for her and court her dropped off the face of her world.

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts, he wiped his tears and placed the box under his bed. He opened the door to see a sad Martha, “John my father wants me back in London, he states it super important.  I’m sorry to leave you now, I can see you’re still hurting from your mother’s passing.” She pointed out the tear stains on his face. He nodded, grateful she was leaving.

He needed time to think about him, he obviously wasnt getting anywhere with Martha. Apparently forcing yourself to like someone doesn't work. “Its alright Martha, safe travels.”

“Well, I’ll come back as soon as I can John. I don’t want to leave you for too long especially considering our situation. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon, Johnny.” She once again kissed his cheek and then left to pack her things. Gosh, he definitely needed to clear things up, at least she was leaving though, breaking the news through a letter seemed better than doing it in person.

---

“Boys! John, Henry, James! Come down here.”

“What is it, father?” Henry asked when they were all in front of their father. “Boys were going to be rich! The business is soaring boys!” They clapped, “Congrdualtions father.” John said.

“Well boys with the business going so good, we’ve got to dedicate ourselves to it. So we’re moving to London! Mr. Mannings has got a house all set for us, so you guys will learn and study there. The girls will, unfortunately, have to stay here with your aunt. But us Laurens Men are going to thrive in London, what do you say boys?” Henry and James celebrated with their father, eager to get to London.

London, way to close to Martha, far from the colonies, where the action was happening. Hed leave his sisters and best friend behind but he'd be closer to (Y/n). Maybe he could make his way to Switzerland one weekend and apologize to her. Yes, that’s what he do, go get his girl back.

...

Not edited, enjoy

🌹HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS🌹

arón piper preference

*

*

-it was your first day of senior year at the new school

-your mom and dad made you move to spain by the beginning of august and its was september when you first set a foot into your new hell

-of course your alarm didnt go off and you were almost late

-you were wearing black jeans with a red tight shirt and a flannel on top

-your hair was up in a messy bun that still looked kinda stylish

-when you walked through the strange looking hallway you got more and more nervous

-what if they would be mean?

-what if they dont speak english?

-what if they hate me because im new?

-you worried a lot

-but you had no choice but to enter the classroom with the number 121

-since it wasnt 9 yet there werent many people and no one even noticed you walking in

-you sat down on a free chair in the back and put your backpack on the floor

-then you started observing

-the girls looked alright, they didn’t look like people that would treat you like shit

-there were two boys laughing and talking in spanish pretty loudly

-and there was this one guy sitting in the opposite corner, hood over his head and his phone in his hands

-from the way he was sitting he seemed bored, maybe tired?

-you could only see a bit of his face though he looked kind of sad

-but maybe he was just tired because it was the first day after summer and all

-after everyone had sat down a very tall woman came in and put her name onto the board

-she looked strict

-then she started talking in spanish and you knew you were fucked

-this was supposed to be english class but they were still speaking spanish

-so you leaned back and looked around and kind of ignored the teacher

-you didn’t understand anyway

-until you heard your name

-„y/n trabaja con arón, no?“

-you raised your hand and spoke:“sorry i don’t understand, what about me?“

-the teacher smiled and answered:“oh right you‘re the new girl. I just said that you will be working with Arón.“

-„work on what?“ you asked confused

-she came up to you and then explained:“We do this every year that the students team up and do a project together. This years topic is „drama“, you could either talk about a dramatic book or movie in general or become creative.“

-you nodded at her and eventually looked around to figure out who this arón is

-„when‘s the project due?“

-she walked back to the front and said:“You got a month“ in a harsh tone suddenly

-after the first 4 classes you were sitting outside looking through the english text book when someone stepped into your view

-you looked up

-„hola.“ the guy with the hood from before stood there

-„hey.“ you answered and he looked around while putting both his hands in his pockets

-„im arón.“ he then said

-you looked at him and replied:“Okay?“

-„yes.“ arón said back

-„ohhh right! Project partner!“

-he nodded and then asked:“Do you want to start today?“

-you nodded as well and answered:“sure, at your place?“

-aron agreed and then gave you his number so you could text about it again

-its been 3 weeks of you two working on the project when you finally had the courage to ask him

-„why do i never see you talking to anyone in our class?“

-he seemed alone all the time

-and you were a little concerned because from what you‘ve seen he‘s a really nice guy with a huge heart

-he was a little shy but could be hilarious and charming occasionally

-you guys were sitting on his desk just finishing some posters

-„i think its because the other boys are better?“

-he looked sad again

-„what why?“ you asked seriously not understanding his statement

-he leaned back, scratched the back of his head and replied:“i dont know, they just dont like me. Im not really attractive i think.“

-you were seriously mad at him now

-why would he think that?

-i mean you werent ready to date him after knowing him for only 3 weeks but you could imagine it after some time

-„you dont think you‘re attractive?“ you asked looking deep into his chocolate eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking

-„no.“ he simply spoke and put on a fake smile

-„oh no, arón.“

-without waiting for a response you hugged him as tight as you could

-it took him a bit to hug back but then he grabbed onto your waist

-„dont say that, ever! You‘re a great guy!“

-he laughed quietly and let go of you again

-„i swear, you‘re cute! And you‘re the only person who was nice enough to talk to me. Well.. you kind of had to because of the project but its been 3 weeks and no one except you showed any interest in me.“

-arón smiled at you and pulled up his sleeves. „you‘re really nice. i like you.“

-„i like you too cabrón.“

-he laughed, showing the gap inbetween his front teeth

-„you learned a spanish word!“ he clapped a little

-„thank you.“ you laughed too and then said „gracias guapo.“

-he grinned and then asked:“do you know what you just said?“

-„no.“ you smiled and leaned back

-aron leaned forward and whispered:“you just called me hot“

-you shrugged your shoulders and just answered:“well.“

-another couple of weeks later you and aron got really close and you spent almost every minute together

-in your breaks he taught you spanish, which you slightly failed but it made him laugh hearing you mispronounce words

-and it made you happy seeing this cute boy laugh

-after class you guys hung out

-either watched a movie, spent some more time with spanish, walking through Luarca or playing video games

-you felt like now you guys were on a level where arón was fully comfortable around you

-he told you about the problems with his parents and then he told you the story why no one talked to him in class

-„it was 2 years ago.“ he spoke taking deep breaths every now and then

-you were sitting in front of him looking at his face while he was telling you the story

-„i was with this girl, her name‘s Ana (sorry if thats your name). I did everything to make her happy but it was never enough. She cheated on me with this soccer player and told everyone that i cheated on her. No one believed her because someone saw her kiss this boy.

But then one day she came to school with scars and black spots and when the teacher asked what happened she said i hit her, which is not true! She cried in front of everyone so they believed her. I was suspended and now everyone in school now thinks im aggressive.“

-he had started crying a little while telling you the story

-„arón no!“ you took him in your arms and gave him a kiss on his soft curls

-„i believe you! You wouldnt hit anyone.“

-aron hugged you tightly and rubbed your back softly

-„te quiero“ he then told you but since your spanish was still bad you didnt know what it meant and just kind of ignored his statement

-the next day in class you told aron to talk to one of his ex best friends and first he didnt want to but you kind of forced him

-when he walked up to him and sat down you could hear this guy getting loud right away

-aron talked to him for a while, more like discussing

-he this guy hit him in the jaw and aron stumbled backwards

-„hijo de puta!“ you heard aron yell at the guy but unfortunately the teacher was right behind him

-„Arón Piper. Oficina del director. Ahora.“

-he gave you a quick glance, grabbed his back and then left the classroom looking hella mad

-„he didnt do anything! He hit him.“ you then basically yelled at the teacher

-„y/n please sit down.“ she spoke and pointed at your seat

-„no its fucking unfair how aron is being treated here. Dont you see how painful it must be to be hated because of a misunderstanding?“

-the teacher had lightly grabbed your arm to calm you down

-„y/n, please.“

-a girl then stood up and said:“arón is an asshole and a loser. Also why do you hang out with him? Like, you could have better.“ she looked at a certain guy in the front row

-you couldnt believe it

-„god you guys suck so bad! Ive known aron for only a month now and i already know that he‘s a better person than you all together! You know why? Because he‘s a real human fucking being. He is nice, caring and sweet and doesnt judge anyone by their looks, whats wrong with you people?“

-„y/n enough! Principals office!“ your teacher yelled back at you making you stomp out full of anger

-at the principals office you found out that aron only got told to be nicer to them

-„what happened to you?“ he asked coming your way in the hallway

-but you were too mad to talk so you walked a little faster

-and grabbed his head

-you kissed him rather roughly in the middle of the hallway

-he was surprised but kissed you back and put his hands on your waist

-your kiss was rough yet passionate and sweet

-you felt like he let it all out

-all thats ever made him upset

-and you just wanted his kisses

-he was the perfect guy for you

-no matter how he saw himself

-he was good looking, smart, talented, sweet and the best spanish teacher you‘d ever imagined

-„arón piper! Y/n y/l/n, you can come back here right away.“

-you pulled away

-the principal was standing in the door staring at both of you

-„puta.“ you whispered, then smiled at him and grabbed his hand to pull him to the principals office

-„here we go again.“

Everything Is Blue

WARNINGS: severe angst, suicidal themes, suggestive sexual content, eventual suicide, mental illnesses, eventual character death, unhappy ending, suicidal content, graphic suicide

A/N: please don't read if you're depressed, this is a very sad story but im proud of it because I actually finished something for ONCE. NONE of this is based on real life, it's all fiction. Jaehyun just fit my idea of this character, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea that I tried to glamorize suicide. And also, I do not feel suicidal and I am not depressed because of writing this, i simply got this idea while thinking I should try and write angst. On another note, I hope whoever reads this likes it or at least it makes you feel some type of emotion. Thank you. *i did not proofread at all btw*

Song: Colors by Halsey

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August 3rd

Jaehyun and I sat in a field of Nemophila by the river, the sun shining and clouds floating above us eating strawberries and our laughter filling the hot summer air. Jaehyun had taken me to the museum to see his favorite painting an hour beforehand, telling me it reminded him of me. It was a simple painting, blue sky with fluffy white clouds on a sunny day. I'd almost stayed home that day, not wanting to go anywhere due to a flurry of sudden panic attacks that week. "When you're feeling anxious, come here and call me and I'll come as quick as I can." At that moment, I'd been filled with happiness due to Jaehyun's caring nature but I should have been the one making sure he had somewhere to go when he was upset, but his feelings of sadness weren't noticeable back then. Giving him a hug wasn't enough to stop the pain he felt daily just from living. Laughter hurt, and so did seeing me smile making guilt rush through him at the fact that I brought him some happiness, but not enough for him to change his mind.

September 19th

Jaehyun wrote poetry about clouds and sunshine and the color blue. He would have  painted himself blue if it was socially exceptable. Most of the poems he let me read brought tears to my eyes, ruining my mascara. He always wiped the mascara off, then he'd kiss all my tears away telling me that's how poetry should make me feel. I told him many times how intense it felt, the emotions brought out by the poems he wrote and he'd stare at me and say" that's how i feel about you." Intense. Wildly. Airy. Bright and warm like sunshine shining down through clouds. Most people tell you to write when you're feeling blue to get whatever you're feeling out of your system so that you can feel yellow and bright again,but he still wished for the sun to poison him. He wished for dehydration and shock to take him away instead of writing useless poems.

October 13th

Friday the thirteenth. Bad omens were shown, I just didn't recognize them. I look back now and something had been off about Jaehyun that day. His smile wasn't the same. It was crooked in a way that it was almost a frown, but to outsiders it passed as a normal expression of happiness. He painted sometimes just like writing, and his paintings left me feeling blue just like the blue sky in august, like the painting in the museum, like the color of the walls in his room. It wasnt even a sad painting-he'd painted a red rose in a field of baby blue eyes by a river at night. It wasn't even sad, but when i touched the paper after it dried, I just wanted to cry. He'd held me telling me about the meaning behind it. "It's supposed to make you appreciate things and people that are different, but still appreciate the normal things and people too. No one should be left out. That everyone and everything is more than meets the eye, you just have to look deeper." The way he talked made me want to cry, and he could sense something was wrong, but the fact that I couldn't look deeper to notice his sadness made me tell him everything was fine. I pretended I was fine and I pretended he was fine, so that in the moment, I could feel like everything was fine when nothing about that day was fine. That night he'd went home and cried himself to sleep, and he'd almost done something heartwrenching but I couldn't ask him a simple 'are you okay?'. He would have lied anyways, but maybe if i would have pushed him to answer he wouldn't have cried alone that night or almost took a razor to his skin.

November 7th

Jaehyun and I would sit in my room for hours in comfortable silence, him drawing while i read books. He'd been noticeably upset on this day. To the point where I kept asking him what was wrong and was everything okay. He started rambling about death and blood to the point where fear bubbled up inside of me, spilling out into the world and when he noticed I was terrified, he had cried and apologized repeatedly. He'd thrown his drawing pad in the middle of all of this, it getting lost behind my bed. I'd held him for hours after that, hoping he would feel better and calm down. It worked on the outside, and I foolishly believed I'd helped him on the inside as well. He wasn't okay, and the way he had talked about blood and death so freely spoke volumes about what he thought of daily. If only I'd tried to look deeper. Most of us take what we see on the outside and assume that there's nothing more to see and we should look away as to not disturb the normalcy of the world.

December 25th

Christmas day was snowy and beautiful, the sun fighting it's way through the clouds to shine down on everything to try and melt the snow, but the snow was relentless and the roads icy. The gifts didnt matter that day as everyone was together and that made Jaehyun filled to the brim with happiness, which mattered a lot more. That night we lay together wrapped in nothing but the warmest blue blanket we could find, the snow falling against the window and the christmas lights above us in my room shining down us painting our faces in green and red. He was happy, but that didn't mean the pain had suddnely disappeared and that family made the bad thoughts run away, he was just hiding them. That night he whispered how much he loved me , lips against my temple. He told me I was the only gift he needed. He didnt know that he was the only gift I needed, and that him staying could have been so much better. Maybe that's selfish. On Christmas some people expect everything they want to be given but give nothing to others. That year, I was sadly part of the people who expect and was given everything I wanted but I gave nothing.

February 14th

Jaehyun's birthday. I had thrown him a surprise party that he loved, wearing a blue dress with pink hearts on it since it was also Valentine's day. Once he opened his gifts, which was a copy of the painting with the clouds on a sunny day that he absolutely adored and a necklace with my name on it in the shape of a cloud. His dimples stayed out all day, like I wish they would have stayed for life. As a Valentine's gift he gave me a blue rose and a painting of me by the river sitting in the field of Nemophila. That night I ended up in only his blue flannel with marks of his love on my skin the next morning,his whispers of "i love you more than anything" ingrained in my thoughts forever. I'd told him the same, but it didnt count as much since he said it first, and knowing now that that wasn't enough for him to stay breaks my heart all over again.

March 2nd

We spent the day walking around despite him being vocal of not feeling like getting out of bed, and he was a bit angry with me until I got him laughing by singing embarrassing 80's songs and dancing awkwardly. We both danced until we got tired, our legs exhausted and breathing was a difficult feat. I told him that he didn't deserve to be sad and he told me "i deserve whatever the world throws at me" which made me worry about him for weeks. I didnt tell him that, although maybe I should have. I just didn't want to make him feel bad when i started having panic attacks again because of it. He didn't know and didn't mean to, he just was in so much pain.

April 20th

He'd cooked for me on this day, telling me he felt a lot better. He appeared completely calm and peaceful like how some people get after doing things they love. Which he was good at cooking and enjoyed it, so I was extremely happy. He hadn't cooked in months-not like this. He was also baking. He wouldn't let me go in his kitchen. "It's a surprise, darling. Just be patient" Although he acted normal enough, whatever normal means, i sensed sadness coming from his being. After we ate, I felt nauseous. He turned into a concerning boyfriend rather than a happy one which made me upset since I knew he was keeping his sadness a secret. While he went to clean the kitchen after throwing a blanket on my cold body, I felt even more nauseous and after contemplating on whether or not to run to the bathroom my body decided for me. Vomiting isn't something anyone is fond of, and Jaehyun was even more concerned when he found me lying on the floor against the bathtub. He threw all the food away after that and blamed himself for me getting sick, though It was just a case of me eating way too much. Once in his bed, he kept apologizing and ended up crying but I held him and told him everything was okay. He didn't tell me that every small thing affected him so horribly it'd leave him wishing he'd never been born. He didn't know that those small things were things he couldn't help, but his brain told him that he ruined everything.

May 27th

Sitting in the field of Baby blue eyes with him felt different this time. More peaceful. We laid down side by side watching the clouds, he always said he wanted to float in the clouds but not anything about how he wanted to be buried like the roots of the nemophila we laid on. He didn't tell me he didnt want to grow anymore, not by himself and not with me-not with anyone. Instead he told me how much he loved me, that he'd die for me and told me it all day. He wouldn't let his hands off of me, never letting go of my hand or arm or hips. He wouldn't let go. He asked me to stay the night and keot me in his arms until I had to work the next day, getting upset when I left. He didn't tell me I'd only have a week or two left of this. Left of being in love, left of seeing his pretty smile and those dimples he was known for showing almost all the time. He didn't tell me he was looking for reasons to stay, trying so hard not to give up.

June 16th

When I'd woken up, a feeling of dread left me near tears all day. I hadn't seen Jaehyun in three days and it'd gotten late in the day without a word from him which was unusual. I pushed the uncomfortable feeling to the side until I'd decided to leave to go see him after calling him and texting him repeatedly. While walking out the door I remembered that day when he'd terified me with that talk of blood and death and him throwing his drawing pad. Worry filled my being, making me feel sick as I pushed my bed onto the side to find his blue drawing pad.

Tears stream down my face at the drawing I found. In my hands was the reason for all his weird behavior,all his guilt and all of his pain. He wanted to die. My Jaehyun wanted to disappear from this world forever. I throw the drawing pad in a random direction and run. I call all of our friends and his family, wanting to know if they had seen him. None of them had. I didn't want it to be true.

My legs carried me to the field of baby blue eyes by the streaming river, the sun shining down so brightly and the clouds reminding me of the painting Jaehyun loved so much.

My legs were already cramping but I pushed through that pain to find the love of my life laying in a field of nemophila, his wrists slit so terribly blood is all you could see. Flowing from his wrists to drip onto the plants under him, it was so red and gory I stopped breathing, running over to him to begin screaming while on the phone with one of his best friends. Johnny knew something was wrong, his voice got further away as he told Mark to call someone. To call 911, to get help.

In Jaehyun's hand was a a razor blade and I grabbed it, throwing the wretched thing far from us. I kept shaking him and screaming at him to get up. Nothing worked. Around his neck was the cloud necklace, and despite the horror I could see, he looked extremely peaceful, his eyes shut permanently. My Jaehyun was gone, and he'd died where he loved, but he'd felt so unloved to come to this place.

I'd never enjoy bright sunny days or museums again. I couldn't, not when I couldn't see Jaehyun's dimples or hold his warm hand. As much as he wanted to burn, he'd left the world cold. The sun still shined so brightly down on us as if nothing had ever happened in this place.

🌹

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

baby’s first liveshow commentary

hello lads i have decided to attempt doing @nihilist-toothpaste​ inspired video commentary/write up/review thingies!!!! welcome to ramble-y fun time

phil’s liveshow on august 10, 2017

his smile in the first minute makes my heart so happy i love him so much

i love the eye-tongue-eye emoji stop being mean to it

he’s a bit late bc he just finished filming a new ap vid!!! it took him longer than he thought it would to finish filming bc he was rambling. this is a #relatable brain thing

“i just said goodbye and now i’m saying hello again!” wrt filing and then doing a liveshow makes me rly happy bc i wouldn’t have thought abt it that way. i love phil’s brain

new vid clues: paper bag(?) and bubble wrap. amazingphil asmr part ii??

dan’s not joining the liveshow bc he has a headache but phil’s gonna hop into dan’s next one

closed eyes and happy gesticulation whilst telling sleepy-morning “unexpected window cleaning man frightened me” story

phil’s fight/flight/freeze response is freeze

“imagine if i had decided to make breakfast naked! ...if i was that kind of person…” its okay m8 we know u like to make nakey bro brunches w danyul

are the emoji pants the only pair of graphic pj pants he has now ??? why are they being featured so prominently lately ???? phil IS an emoji is the only phnnie conspiracy i can support now

in the ap vid phil did SCIENCE and REACTED TO THINGS (chemistry . reaction . hehe :3)

he’s out of tv shows to watch ….he and dan have watched so many series together over the years ..... i am emotional

phil hasnt watched in a heartbeat EITHER !! BLASPHEMOUS BOYES!!!

re: rick and morty. i strongly agree and it makes me so nervous that rick burps all the time i cannot focus on whats happening in the show bc rick gives me so much anxiety

he misses the cherry blossom tree in thehowlter’s front yard and they are hopefully going to put it in when they have money

“you’re all like dan! not everything has to be symmetrical!” thank u for these affirmations that not everything has to be perfect thank u for being chill. a chill phil. 

“i dont mind a little bit of wonkiness!” “i’m at a bit of a wonk!” “is the entire house wonky?” the only real phil branding is ~WOnKy~

phils hands are so beautiful???? i love them?????? @ 8:50ish

him trying to figure out his best side and saying “one? or two?” as options like at the optometrist when ur getting ur eyes checked. 

someone in the chat: “both!” phil’s cheeky grin/”don’t flatter me!!!” response

someone in the chat: “side three!” i snort laughed along w phil this is truly Good Content. dark!phil RISE

phil doesn’t think he really has a bad side and his easy neutrality wrt his physical appearance is dreamy. i love him and i love that he’s comfy w himself like this

phil had an eye infection and this is the first day he’s been without glasses…… why does he glasses-bait us like this …..

it’s really hard for him to concentrate with dilated pupils so that’s why he was being a wee bit wonky in the last liveshow

his eye is no longer infected and is “white and ready to see!”. the tone of his voice, his accent, and the phrasingof that reminded me so much of my british grandma who i havent seen in a few years and now i want to call her i miss her

wicked was “as the kids say...Wicked.” I SNORTED AKLHFAEIHKF

also i cannot believe that he and dan used the same silly phrasewhen talking about their opinions of wicked. is it still #copyrightinfringement if its your bf blatantly enterprising ur intellectual property?

phil was feeling a bit meh going into wicked but now he’s converted and a fan

he loved defying gravity :(

phil: every audience is important! me: crying

phil loves coming-of-age/college/highschool aus … Me Too

phil remix: the top fans to the tune of mad world “all around me are familiar faces...lillyphanstuff, joteleena…”

he’s had “mad world” and also that fuckin. ditty song stuck in his head

“...is one thicc bih - NO!” is the best thing ive ever heard

im so sad that phil hasnt experienced the joys of ditty. apparently he doesn’t have it downloaded and doesn’t really know what it is

14:07 is my new ringtone (he sang the ditty tune in “doot doot doot”s)

“bandicussy” IM DEAD

phil thought it was a good family activity to see dunkirk but it made his parents very emotional bc his maternal grandad was in the war

making your entire family cry is apparently the phil way to entertain

neither he nor dan understood the timelines of dunkirk upon first watch

after filming his ap vid he sanitized using vanilla cupcake hand sanitizer

he watches zoe’s bath and bodyworks candle/lotion hauls??????? ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently b&bw has some ~priiiicey~ candles. phil is the coupon clipping, consumer reports reading dad

he said that livestreaming games on dapg would be “dope”. i am reminded for the millionth time that he is a 30 year old white man. i am moderately uncomfortable.

jk it was someone in the chat who said it he was just reading the comment

“hi to the ‘phan’s moving boxes’ group chat”

facterino according to the nature man on tv: in england nature has decided that it’s autumn already. this is evidenced by blackberries coming out in august. because fall isstartingso early they’re expected to have a harsh winter but its fine bc he is excited for snow!

some climate change discourse

he’s not a big doctor who fan but his fav doctor is david tennant

he’s excited for the “lady doctor” and i’m uh. not a huge fan of that wording

23:02 pre-sneeze noises and hand motions are Delightful

apparently it’s southern england peeps who pronounce scone with a hard o (scOHne) and northerners pronounce it with a soft o (scAWn). phillu doesn’t know which pronunciation he uses

my mom grew up in cornwall (and moved to america when she was a teen. i’m american btw!) and pronounces it the northern way. we’ve had the scohne vs scawn debate!! lots of #britishfamilythings in this liveshow

philly homework motivation song @ 24:52

his first response to ppl being sad about school starting in a week is to calculate how many seconds are in a week so they can re-frame their time left in a way that feels more plentiful. i love this ???

i also really love how he tries to read premium messages from different people every time. idk that’s just really thoughtful and as a fan i really appreciate it

he knows that black makes him look good …. GOodBYe

today is world lion day!

phil is the one who puts the funny/random holidays on the dnp calendars. of course it was but im still so happily surprised  

doinganap’s sicth/sixth discourse

he’s reading people from the chat’s bdays and telling them what funny holidays are on their birthdays! i love how he finds different ways to get ppl in the chat involved every liveshow. i appreciate him so much !like yeah i know its a marketing thing but let me pretend its solely phil’s care for us

he wants to go back to japan

he can’t read or edit and listen to music at the same time! me neither

someone asked what a good pet would be and phil went on a lil tangent about how it’s important to have enough time to take care of the pet you choose!! dont get an exotic pet or a breed of non-exotict pet that requires a lot of time, money, or energy to care for it if you’re not at a point in your life where u can take care of it to the best of your ability! <3

hedgehogs are one of the most common animals in the uk??? what the heck?

he can’t remember whether or not he’s seen a hedgehog irl so he texts mum lester to ask <3 why is this the sweetest thing in the world . like seeing a hedgehog irl would be an experience that his family facilitated or even if he was moved out when it happened it would have been so exciting that he def would have told kath about it. so any way it happened she would know about it. my heart is Warm.

he’s not a huge summer candle burner but as soon as it’s september he’ll be on the pumpkin spice train

mum lester texted back and apparently his grandparents had a family of hedgehogs in their garage and his granddad built them a little hedgehog house to hibernate in :( wow!

phil might play shelter 2 … with dan. No Thank You. let us have some phil-only time plz 

shelter 2 is more of an autumnal game so he might do it later when he can cozy up with some cocoa and herd the badger babies

he feels a coffee buzz after five (5) chocolate-covered coffee beans. r u sure u even drink coffee phil????

rye bread is worse (in phil’s opinion) than regular bread and is ”claggy”. i busted out laughing and texted my mom IMMEDIATELY bca LOOOONG time ago we were at a family christmas party with my dad’s extended family and all of the Adults were playing scrabble. my mom ended up spelling claggy and everyone else was like THATS A MADE UP WORD WHAT THE FUCK!!!! and my mom was like ???? no its not? my dad’s family is from the eastern us and had never heard the word claggy before and i remember my dad giving my mom shit about it for YEARS afterward because she caused such an uproar. idk if it was a regional thing or if americans just don’t say claggy but REGARDLESS. my mom and i had a good laugh over this description of rye bread and we both love phil

he’s nervous abt what dalien is going to look like and become as he grows up. phil’s general reaction to dalien has been one of caution and nervousness and idk ?? someone more thoughtful analyze that please

his advice for making the most of the last bits of summer: do something you haven’t done before! immediately after bestowing upon us this Wise Advice he giggles and becomes self aware of his parental tone. Our Dad Is Becoming Self Aware

he doesnt swear around his parents?????? my mom says fuck all the time :0

2018 calendar and season two pastel plushies are in the works!

he’s singing another song to list the top fans. suggestions include toxic, the ditty tune, and the tetris theme. he goes with the ditty song and starts laughing in the middle of it so makes a seamless musical transition to toxic

if everything recorded properly with his new vid we should see it in the next few days!

he hopes that we have a lovely weekend and that whatever we end up doing brings us a bit of happiness :( i love him thank u phil

tiny little bonus song after he covers up the camera. schrodingers phil.

all in all i love phil’s liveshows and this has been the highlight of my day. thank u for reading!

The Sunday Morning Post

September 3, 2017                                                          10th Edition

Current News:

Yuri on Ice: ShitBang

On August 31st, if you love Yuri on Ice, your feed may have blown up with stories and artwork created as a means for writers and artists to come together and work on a project together.

What is the Shit Bang you ask? It is an amazing event for writers and artists to come together and write and draw about the amazing anime we all love: Yuri!!! On Ice! But a little more than that this is a direct - non-hateful - response to THAT blog. You know the one I’m talking about. Yup. THAT one. - @yoi-shit-bang

The amount of stories and artwork has been astounding. From one-shots, to multi-chapters, all written by amazing authors. Then there is all the amazing artwork that has come with it, by some amazing and very talented artists.

Please keep in mind that many subjects may trigger, please read all tags before reading a story. 

Story Recommendation: we have loved the stars too fondly by @thehandsingsweapon

“We live in a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves the sea, and you don’t believe in miracles?”

After an academic career at MIT and Oxford, Yuuri Katsuki eschews job offers at places like NASA and CERN to go work at the Very Large Array in what Phichit Chulanont lovingly calls The Actual Middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, monitoring radio frequencies from light-years away. He's loved the stars for as long as he can remember, and the universe feels so big sometimes that Yuuri is sure it would be a cruel mistake for humans to be all alone.

Enter the latest scientist to join the staff of the VLA, enigmatic Russian genius Victor Nikiforov, around whom Yuuri’s entire universe seems to bend to make room, and the strange, recurring dreams Yuuri keeps having, where something like love carries him across the stars.

Does love travel faster than light? Do souls?

“The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.”

"Yuri, on Stars!!   This lovely short story will resonate with anyone that lives the heavens.  Dreamscapes thought to be a figment of Yuuri's imagination turn out to be a more real than tangible science, and Viktor is patient with all his insecurities.  With just the right amount of angst to give it depth, this vignette will take you into the endless cosmos!" - @darkrivertempest

Artist Spotlight:

we have loved the stars too fondly by @shadhahvar

Comic:

Good boy by @floccinaucinihilipilificationa  (Click title to reblog)

Support: 

This week’s Ko-Fi shout-out goes to Discoursemoth | @lowercasewrites  (Click to buy coffee)

im sei! im a non-passing trans boy with unsupportive parents, and im using this account primarily to pay for things that could help me pass better, such as a packer and binder. you obviously dont have to donate but i would really appreciate it!                                

Patreon: YukiPri | @yukipri  (Click name to become a patreon)

Hey there!! Thanks so much for visiting my Patreon. I'm Kazu, also YukiPri on Tumblr. I'm currently a freelance translator and illustrator who is HOPING to support myself primarily through art. My passion is telling my own unique stories through visual media, and I love world-building, costume design, and overall extensively over-thinking all of my stories. This patreon is a step towards hopefully better sustaining myself off of art so I can continue to grow as a professional artist and produce content that you can enjoy! I am unbelievably grateful to every patron who helps me continue to do what I love doing. My wish is for the majority of my work to remain public, but I also desperately need to support myself, and also have a variety of content that I'm not comfortable posting publicly for various reasons. As thanks for your support, my patrons will get access to exclusive content, including WIPs/sketches, previews, art progress/tutorials, higher resolution art, early access, and nsfw content!

Fun and Games:

10 Questions Every Fic Writer Secretly Wants to be Asked by @wyseink  (Click Title to reblog)

There are a lot of fic questions that float around online, but rarely do they ever ask specific questions about the fics themselves. Ask any writer one or more of these ten questions to learn more about the fic and show support.

1. Of the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

2. Which scene was your favorite to write in [title of fic]?

3. Which part of [title] was hardest to write?

4. If you could change anything in [title], what would it be?

5. Did you make an outline for [title]? Did you stick to it?

6. Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in [title]?

7. Who was your favorite character to write in [title]?

8. Which came first, the title or the fic?

9. Which idea came to you first in [title]?

10. What are some facts readers may not know about [title]?

Story Prompt:

Monochrome by @diamondwinters An AU where people who are sad, down, depressed cannot hide it. Whenever you get sad, you start to loose your color. Your skin turns pale, your eyes loose their color, and turn gray or white, and your hair turns gray. Like an old black and white tv show, you loose all your color when you’re very sad. A little bit of sadness might dim your natural colors, but you wouldn’t loose them. It’s during a time when you feel heart broken, or very depressed that you go Monochrome. Such as a big break up, a death of a loved one, deep depression, etc. Monochrome is the medical term used by the doctors in this AU to describe turning gray in a world of color.

Some people who are unable to get happy, may use make-up, contacts, and hair color to hide the fact that they’re depressed, but eventually even those things will loose their color and will need to be replaced.

The best thing to do is to find your happiness. Be with friends, and family who can help you bring your color back. The brighter you are, the more vivid your colors are, the happier you are.

Art Prompt:

Imagine your OTP by @bumble-beany

Person A: Are you awake?                                         

Person B: I am now                                         

Person A: I was just wondering...                                         

Person A: What do you think it'd be like to be a pregnant male seahorse?

Person B: Really?! You woke me up for that?

W.I.P. Motivation:

Liquor Stash by @severeminx​

I want him.

When the full realization hit him, Yuri felt as though he couldn’t breathe. Detached and fleeting thoughts that had passed through his mind finally took shape in these three words at that exact moment. The I being himself, Yuri Plisetsky, age 17, a Russian figure skater with a list of impressive accomplishments to his name that seemed pretty pointless right now given the context. The want being desire, the need to bury himself, the thought to consume, but never actually act out except behind locked doors in empty beds or shower stalls. The him being the person standing across from Yuri sipping coffee from a take-away cup with creased brows, the low sunlight hitting his face just so to light up his otherwise dark eyes. Someone he considered to be his best friend, who came all the way from Almaty just to spend a week with him and who was blissfully unaware of the fucking turmoil Yuri was feeling in the pit of his stomach. Or at least, Yuri hoped he was unaware.

In which Yuri Plisetsky invites Otabek Altin over to stay with him in Saint Petersburg, freaks out over his feelings and delves into Lilia's liquor stash.

Please go read and support this artist. They are looking for kudos and comments to get them back into finishing this fantastic story!

Fandom Week:  (Click each line to go to blog)

Zarkon Week! September 3rd - 9th.

Yuri on Ice Music Week! September 4th - 11th

NSFW Yuri Plisetsky Week! September 11th - 17th.

Guang-Hong Week! Voting will be Sept 15th - 21st

SeungChuchu Week! October 16th - 23rd.

Help Wanted:

Needed: Tumblr theme editor. Please contact Diamond Winters for details.

Story recommendations!! If you find a story that you absolutely love, and you want to see it get some recognition, please submit a link to it with a 2-3 sentence review of the story. This way it could get in the spotlight in a future edition of the SMP. Requirements are that it’s completed, or a one-shot.

Artist Spotlight!! If you find a piece of artwork that needs more love, please submit a link to it so it may be considered for future spotlights in the future.

WIP Motivation: Please send your support to these writers or artist to encourage them to continue their story or artwork. No good story or piece of art should be left unfinished. - If you know of a good story that hasn’t been updated in a while, and would like to offer encouragement to the author, please let me know, so that I can link to their story here.

If there is ever any section of the Sunday Morning Post that you feel you can contribute too, please send an Ask or Submit to either the SMP, or @d2diamond so that it has a chance at making in a future post. Thank you!  

@yoi-shit-bang | @thehandsingsweapon | @darkrivertempest | @shadhahvar | @floccinaucinihilipilificationa | @lowercasewrites | @yukipri | @wyseink | @diamondwinters | @bumble-beany | @severeminx

My 2 0 1 9

I started my year as a freshman student in college, figuring things out and is really confused as to what i was doing and what direction am i heading. I wasn’t doing well in my studies since i had a “transfer shock” and literally only had 2 weeks of “summer break”. By the second semester, i was physically and mentally tired—this also means that my emotional status is not as strong as it was the previous years. The first day of the first month of year, i remember writing a note somewhere and wrote my feelings out. I was really sad. My mental health was affected by the things happening around me — obviously, i wasn’t doing well at the beginning of this year.

February came. I just had my midterms exam when my sister broke the news that my dog died. My sweetest little boy, Gift, just turned 1 and he died. I felt worse. I felt like i failed as a fur momma. I felt like i failed him. I cried so many nights, and it didn’t help that my roommates keep on reminding me about his death as if it was nothing to me. March. The last hurrah of the semester. My friends and I were planning about our Siquijor trip, took the finals — which i THOUGHT i did good. I finished my NSTP and said goodbye to my tut-tees. They are so precious, i could hug them — then went on to the trip. I went cliff jumping, lots of swimming, attended a sponge cola concert which surprised me because the lead vocalist of the band recognized me. That night, my friends went drinking. I drank a little but i poured more softdrinks than the actual gin. THAT was when my “friends” babbled and said “the gin doesn’t taste good anymore because we’re out of softdrinks”. It was a heckin small problem but they made it seem really big. — that’s when i knew that that “friendship” is not gonna last. I was right. I didn’t hang on to them anyways so it didn’t really hurt. Lol. April and May, it was summer break! Finally! I spent most of my time at home, soaking everything up before school starts again. Last April, i attended our church’s annual youth camp. It was a three-day-camp where you just learn about certain people in the Bible and their way of living and how God sustained them. It was also a team building camp and let me tell you, THIS CAMP HELPED ME. A LOT.  — aside from the camp, we went on different short trips, here and there. Also, the whole summer break was filled with me getting some rest and watching the whole Avengers movies, from ‘The First Avenger’ down to ‘Infinity War’. I basically became a fan. It was the 12th of May when my friend, Shayne asked me if i could watch Avengers Endgame with her since she wants to watch it again. I said yes. I knew how it would end since I’ve seen some scenes on twitter and my sister’s friend spoiled the heck out of me — BUT THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM CRYING! It was so embarrassing to get out of the theater with VERY swollen eyes. It was probably the most heartbreaking film i watched this year.  June, school started, again. SOPHOMORE YEAAAAAR! I kinda know what my classmates are , where they’re from and what they’re attitudes are. I was MORE cautious this time. I only spend time with Ross, Angela and Charlene. In fact, i went to Bohol with Ross and Angela!  July. Right before my birthday, my family and churchmates went on a trip in Palawan. Enjoyed every bit of it. My birthday came and it was all fun, until it took a turn on the 17th. I got robbed. Lol, i knew that man was up to no good. My body told me that. My intuition told me not to trust him but oop, i dont know why i still gave him my money... idk. Two days later, i went to the police station to file a report and it turns out, there’s another man who’s looking for the SAME man. He was robbed by the same man as well. This was when i realized what God meant when He said that the love for money is not good and is a sin. I realized what a man can do to be able to get your money. August, i went to Bohol for a weekend! It was one of the most spontaneous trips I’ve ever taken. I went to Bohol to watch a movie. Yes. I went there to watch ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’. I pranked a few of my close friends that i was pregnant which was surprisingly a success. They really thought i was. Lol. It was also “Hibalag”! Took the midterm exams and then celebrated the festival. All i did was stay in the booth for certain period of times. Bought some stickers. I went home for a little bit to meet the newest member of the fam, little Miss Potts. We bonded and watched a little bit of Avengers endgame. September went by so fast, i cant even remember what happened. Basically, i went back to Dumaguete. Then i received another news from my family that Miss Potts escaped the gate and is missing. I did my very best to look for her so does my family but nobody turned her in. I couldn’t  believe i lost 2 dogs this year and it’s heart breaking. — but right after Potts was gone, we have been blessed with another pup. My mom’s friend made us adopt him since she has tons of dogs already and she doesn’t have enough space. We, well i, was supposed to name him ‘Stark’ to keep the “one-syllable-name-for-the-pets” rule. But when i saw him, i knew Stark wasn’t his name. When my aunt called him ‘Happy’ since he made the whole house happy again, since Pott’s gone, it clicked. It wasn’t a one syllable name but Happy suits him. Happy’s also the name of Tony Stark’s head of security, anyways so...  Also, I guess i was so drowned with all the school works i had to do that time. I. Was. LOADED! I even attended a climate strike!. But thank you Lord, i was STILL able to nap in between lunch breaks and classes. My sister and my cousin also visited me in the campus and stayed for 3 days! We went on a lot of food trips, we can’t even take it anymore! October means semestral break— but there’s always rain before the rainbow comes, right? Thankfully for my minor subjects, all we had to do were requirements like making a video, recording songs as well as plays. I was the lucky one who was picked as the Basilio of the group. Being the Basilio means i have TONS OF LINES, but the Lord sustained me. I was able to master my lines and delivered them without any mistakes on stage.i also made new friends. Looools. After the finals, i went home to my family. I went home to a news which would be my fall for the next few months. I received a news that involves my parents. Im not gonna elaborate but because of these information, i had several mental breakdowns and at one point, the one thing i don’t want to happen, happened. I melted down in front of my sister. Personally, i don’t want her to see me cry. I don’t want her to see me at my weakest point. This month started t all. Started all my emotional breakdowns and my anxiety is back from its grave. I really thought I’d  already heal because i also went to my father’s home town to just have an emotional closure with the place. I visited some of the places i used to play in and visited my elementary school and the friends i used to play with. I really thought I’d be fine, but no. I was so so so stressed that the whole 2 weeks of my break, i was just lying down, wasn’t able to do a thing. I cant even eat. I got the flu. I was SO weak and couldn’t move. November. I went home for a little bit because of intramural break and went home again for The Jesus Reigns celebration because my sister performed on stage for the second year!!! Im so proud!  December. I was home early. I went home on the 13th so i could attend my sister’s birthday party. Outside the house, it’s full of fun. Went out a bunch of times with my churchmates, bonded with them, we attended our church’s annual thanksgiving which i enjoyed, my sister and i was able to hang out in achi joanne’s house a lot more late. I went swimming with my friends, everything is actually fine outside. But then when im inside the house, it feels like im suffocating. I cant move well. I cant feel well. I honestly dont know how and what to feel right now. On Christmas day, i ate processed/packed chocolate chip cookies for Noche Buena instead of tita mom’s lumpia and then i cried. I didn’t even get a family photo for this year’s holiday season. I really really dont know. I feel numb and unable. I long for the connection with God which i know i have to work on. I’m so down and depression is eating me ones more. Little by little. Right now, i feel like I’m  fat Thor Odinson. Depressed and feels like he failed with his mission in killing Thanos... I’m in a battle of my inner Thanos right now. I’m not losing but he isn’t either. But i know, I’m going to win this Battle because it is not I that’s handling it. It is God. I know He’s got my back and I’ll win because a child of Gos is NEVER a loser. I’m gonna win this fight, and just like what Cap said,  Whatever it takes. I’ll do whatever it takes to win this fight. To win this Battle. This situation that I’m in right now should not really affect me in any way because i know that God’s with me and He’s going to fight for me. My life is “Father-filtered” which means whatever I’m going through right now, God has allowed it to happen. WHY? Because He is preparing me for my future battles. He wants me to gain more strength to carry on.  I know that all these BREAKDOWNS of mine will become BREAKTHROUGHS. I know it and i believe in it. I trust in the Lord. 2020, Get ready for a stronger Micah. She’s not gonna give up on whatever you throw on her because her God is bigger than those problems. 

 Happy New Year Everyone!

God Bless You All! 

Okay I just need to spill some liquid this shit ain't even tea it's just booze that's been inside of me for the past 3 hours so I need to get it out: When I was 12 my lil bro was 9. His organs were like "fuck this we out" or at least they tried to fail on him but my mama came in like "Oh no you nasty bitches don't you come right back here and function for my boi" so she took him to a hospital and stayed there with my pap and him for a month in like friggin Christmastime. Me and my older bro, we stayed at home with our gramma and went to our private school like good children except it was like "what the fucks going on even, huh". At school all my friends were like "Omg how's it going are u gonna run the turkey trot?!?" All the cool people did the fucking Turkey Trot. Running the turkey trot was like using them airpods. So I'm like "yass bitches I'm doing that this year u kidding me" cause I was a legit 7th grader not no lame ass 6th grader who ain't got any juice. Come then the time of November as I run that Turkey Trot and beat Lauren Schultzer, the best day of my fucking little life cause she low key a thot. Anyways I go home all electric and happy and shit then I'm like "I can't eat no fucking thanksgiving dinner after that run I worked my ass off to maintain this bod" so I didnt eat nothin the rest of that day maybe some cookie or some shit.... Then come January when my lil bro come back, and the world is back and my bad ass mama's back and it's all back. But I'm still like "heh yeah I got this. New Year new me. I'm gonna be 13, gotta be fit and sexy. Gotta work out, gotta eat clean and all that shit my life is gonna be lit lit lit" so I wake up at 5 and do them Jillian Michaels work outs and treadmill, then cook myself an egg white, then go to school and talk to boys and talk to my friends and then come home, run on the treadmill, do my Burpees and abs, some more exercise hell then I'm donnnee. Start weighin my stupid skinny ass after a few weeks im like "okay 78 not bad" later it be like "75, gross" then "70 come on just a lil more" then "68 bam u a queen motherfucker!!!" Come may my grandpa dead. Come the summer I'm like "hey where'd my period go" cause that bad boi just skidaddled on out of my life. Also i be craving sugar like cRaZy "woah mama I need me some sugar" (for real though i was like gonna pass out if i didnt get sugar in me) but im like "u kidding, no you don't get no sugar you gotta work out, you fat dumbass" but I just had to have food or something greasy and sugary so I'd eat some fries and be like "yessssmmmm" and then be like "what the fuck just happened why did you put that stupid shit in your pie hole?!??!" And upchuck that stuff Come 8th grade I'm like "okay back to normal, summers over no more eating junk food and spewing it" and there I went back into the exercise heavenhell. But thennnn My mama found somethin like vomit or some shit somewhere. She see how skinny I got. She see the pantry full, I ain't eaten nothin. She put 2 and 2 together cause she ain't stupid. She came on me like "gurl you sick or somethin?" I was like high key depressed or something, I was so sad and lonely and shit I didn't even know how I felt. I was like "No wtf mama what you sayin" Come November I be in a hospital in the grand state of cOloRaDo! They hook me up in a feeding tube and shit, they watch me eat and shit, shit, they even gotta watch me TAKE a shit! All these kids there too, they got fucked up brains just like me. But we got hella tight hella fast lemma say that. We know what everyone's feeling, everyone feels like a fucking hippopatomas after breakfast and all that. We love each other cause we know each other. We all smell bad, we all gotta eat and take our meds. Come 3 months later I don't wanna fucking leave that place. All my friends are there, my real friends that understand shit. But my therapist come in like "Kay you gotta bounce! Byeeee!" And I got bounced the fuck out. Now im back home like "well fuck this I can't recover I ain't even ready!!" But I gotta go back to school... my brain said: "Hell naw you ain't goin back there you're ugly now!" So I'm like "well what do I do brain?" And brains like: "better fucking kill urself. I mean there's not that many options stupid." Come march I'm in another hospital! This one's different. Nobody talks. Food is gross and no one's making me eat it so I don't obvi, and u can't do shit there u can just sit at tables and play cards or lay outside inside that gates on a fucking beach mat. With people always watching u. So I'm there like "tHiS sucks" then a boi comes and I swear to Jesus he was my everything. We talked all day and all up until we had to say good night he was my sun and my moon I wanted to touch every fucking part of him. He loved me, the REAL shit. We stay there for like two months trying to figure out how our shits gonna work out. We'd go out in the grass on our towels and talk about trying to fix our stupid ass lives and sometimes just not talk at all. I could tell when he was getting feels and he could tell when I was we were meant to fucking be. "I love u" a human being said that I still can't fucking believe it because I had to go. Again. But he left on that same day. But I was going back to cOloRaDo!!!! I got his number and he got mine so we had it all set and shit. Come August I realize how crazy my life has been. Come September I get back from the hospital. Mama says I gotta redo that 8th grade year I fucking missed cause of ED, I am pissed (so so so pissed) but Finally I'm like You know what You can't do shit about things you can't do shit about. So I hop on that recovery train. Come 2018, it's hard. Life is H A R D hard! But I start getting my mind wrapped up around music.... and that shit does stuff to you. Music does some real strong stuff to you once you get into it. I start playing the guitar and piano and singing, people are like "No shit! You can do this?" I'm like "hell ya it's better than anorexia or suicide so I'm gonna work my ads off to be good at it" and no kidding I practiced every day until I could play Lindsay Buckingham's solos in my fucking sleep. Eventually I'm like "holy crap.... I wonder whatever happened to ****** from the hospital who I had a serious connection with" I look up his name on Google and he's dead. Dead af. Bang bang gone. I cry like a fucking horse cause fuck I missed him. And you can't do shit about things you can't do shit about. But my heart fucking hurt. (Still does but different now) Come September I get accepted into a music school. Start doing shows. Start getting myself in Spotify. Come 2019 I'm just a regular girl again. My 16th birthday is in 2 weeks. I really want to be loved like that again. I miss it, but it had it's place. Love isn't always and forever, and that's okay. Cause you get all raw and then you move on. But now a days I'm just fucking horny sometimes like I'll be doing homework and all of a sudden want to hard core make out with someone! Other times I'll be like "ur a fucking weirdo, you can't make out with anyone. Ever. Or else it'll be like you never loved HIM!" But none of it matters cause nobody's into me. And that's okay. You know that egg got more likes than Kylie and that's all I need. The end

one year on.

so, i’m a little late with this (aren’t I always), but april 4th at 19 minutes past midnight british standard time was wonwoo’s one year anniversary. some of you might know that I’ve been with mi since it reopened in december 2015, so whilst it isn’t my anniversary, it’s still !! extremely exciting for me and for my dumb son who hasn’t shut up about it since it happened. 

wonwoo is the first muse i’ve played that... stretched my comfort zone. his twisted morals, his history, a great deal of his interests and even his softest hopes and dreams are all characteristics I’d never tried before. it was actually bek that persuaded me to play him for real. he’d been knocking around in my head, bothering me, for a little while, but I’d have had to drop my old muse to bring him in and I felt so guilty about potentially doing it. but it got to a point where I didn’t enjoy my old muse anymore, because I knew that I was just keeping him around to please others, when I really wanted to play this loser. so I dropped, and I brought wonwoo in immediately and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. now I have a wonderful wife, a thoroughly developed muse (who just keeps on surprising me; just yesterday he informed me of his desire to garden. I don’t even fucking know), and a home here with you all at murder inc.

so. in honour of wonwoo’s one year, we’re going to take a trip down memory lane. we’re going to take a look back at as many of the most amusing and most defining moments in wonwoo’s first year here with you all. thank you for being here with him, with me, for however long or short you have been. I love and appreciate every single one of you so incredibly much. here’s to many more years to come! ♥

april !

one night in a strange city. precious mingyu’s 20th birthday and the night wonwoo knew that the tall fucker would be far more important to him than he could ever have anticipated. also, the longest replies I’ve ever written; it was wild. 

the fact that hyoseong and wonwoo’s first thread involved him being the one to steal the kill. he’ll never let this go. I promise you. never. ( @mixhyoseong​ )

may !

wonwoo taking the Big Scary Step to actually ask for help when he’s injured! it’s a god damn miracle!! god bless jinwoo and his everlasting patience. god bless their friendship.

( NSFW ) that One Time wonwoo was forced to go to a strip club with his worst enemy. 

zitao flooding him with compliments and dinner, and wonwoo going along with it because he loves free food. he’d probably have manipulated zitao into buying him more dinners; I apologise for my son, he’s an asshole.

wonhao. just wonhao. so cute. 

june ! 

that probably over-dramatic and definitely intense meanie meme wherein wonwoo Fucked Up and cried like a baby because he realises he can’t live without kim mingyu. i’m emo.

more free food, you guys really know the way to his heart.

july !

wonwoo starting to fall in love with kim mingyu.

guardians of the galaxy. or just seoul’s streets. or maybe they’re the ones you need protection from— who knows.

( TW HEAVY ) just this. just— wow. fucking hell, jinwoo. 

I honestly love eris and wonwoo so much; this thread is so cute, they’re so cute,, #WONRIS4EVER ( @erisxmi​ ) 

wonwoo’s 20th birthday, wipes a tear.

wonwoo’s visit to jeongwoo’s grave, in which he talks about his childhood and his resentment towards his parents. this stressed me out a lot, but it felt so satisfying to finish and to explore more of his twisted viewpoints and his relationship with his biological family.

august ! 

surprise! wonwoo is a soft child who loves — but is horrifically bad at — scrapbooking. wonwoo still adds to this all the time. 

wonwoo’s life playlist. the open event that marked bek and I becoming mods. again, i’m emo. (you’re always welcome to make these at any time, by the way!!) 

wonwoo sinking (for lack of a better word) deeper into the sadness created by his feelings for mingyu; believing so, so deeply that he’d never get to tell him how he felt. jokes on you, son.

september ! 

wonwoo’s thread with everyone’s favourite grandpa ♥ ( @jisukjinxmi​ )

and his thread with @mixhyoyeon​, who persuaded him to break into a club; something he never imagined he’d do, but is glad he can now add to his list of strange experiences. 

mingyu’s decline. wonwoo stepping up to the plate to take care of him, being completely and hopelessly in love with him and spending night after night crying himself to sleep over nightmares of mingyu not making it. sad. sad, sad, sad. 

october ! 

thIS 

the hardest month of mingyu’s depression. a lot happened between them, for their bond and his recovery. wonwoo secretly took on all of mingyu’s hits alongside his own, to keep their statuses in the gang. he started his long break from the cafe, and focused as much of his time on helping mingyu recover. his health deteriorated rapidly. 

november ! 

just his and @mixheecheon​’s dynamic. their conversation. i love it, i love this thread.

november 18th marks meanie’s first (and second, and third, and fourth and so on) kiss and the start of their relationship. wonwoo gives mingyu the journal he’d written in over mingyu’s depression to help him cope. starts thinking about his own recovery, too. 

december ! 

meanie’s one month anniversary.

wonwoo’s !! favourite time of the year is christmas, so he was very, very happy all month. he decorated the whole apartment, spent the big day with mingyu and his grandfather, and delivered presents to eris and @miroyce​ beforehand, and he was just !! so happy !! 

posted in january, but timeline wise, wonwoo visiting jeongwoo’s grave once more, only to come into contact with changwoo, and get the sort-of closure he’s needed all these years.

january !

the thread itself is backdated, but january marked the start of one of my favourite threads!! I love more opportunities to explore young wonwoo’s life and his growth into who he is today, and I love his and hyungwon’s backstory and dynamic, so thank you for plotting and writing this with me!! ( @mixnightingale )

february ! 

wonwoo getting aRRESTED (about time) 

the start of this great friendship rivalry ( @sujimi )

and this one, too! their bickering gives me life,, ( @mixminhyuk ) 

march & april ! 

mingyu buying wonwoo fLOWERS (spoiler: wonwoo cried)

i’ve been incredibly busy with uni work this past month, so I haven’t had the chance to post much, but getting to chat with you all and plot, and at times, even rp in the ims, has been wonderful and I want to thank all of you again for your patience. it’s been a rollercoaster of a year and I can’t wait for the next anniversary to come rushing around before I know it. I love you all ♥

For you. (Pt. 2)

I didn’t. It was awkward but at the same time I was happy to have you in my class for the first time since 9th grade. I’m pretty sure I ended up moving a couple weeks later or so. I remember after i moved we got In contact again and caught up. Can’t remember if we started dating or not that time. If we did. It wasn’t long. I ended up moving out of state. You ended up dating someone from here. We did our own thing for months. I remember around Christmas I ended up moving back home, and I remember we started talking again. You ended up breaking up with your girlfriend. We started dating once again lol. Remember that time when we were planning on moving to Florida together? Lmao we didn’t have a clue on what we were doing. We were still so young. 18-19 years old. Eventually that idea died. Along with or relationship once again. I ended up moving back out of state for over a year. You did your thing. I came back home destroyed over the relationship I was just in. A few months later or so you borrowed your moms car to come get me so we could hang out and catch up. It was like we never were apart. We always picked up where we left off. It was never awkward. You were always my best friend even if we weren’t dating. I remember listening to music, and recording you singing “animals” my Maroon 5. Life was finally feeling good for me for the first time in forever. I think that night we went to the Falls and it started pouring rain and we were under that bridge for a while. Just talking and joking around. We started dating again. But you were different, you were very sad. I wanted to be there for you. I remember sitting in your garage in kenmore with your mom and the things you said scared me. You wanted to die. I honestly was afraid to lose you. I was really afraid if something was going to happen. I’m not sure if we broke up again but I think we did, but I remember eventually meeting your grandparents and they loved me from the first second they met me, and I loved them! They were always so nice and welcoming and I felt like part of the family when I was around. You and I had so many memories there. Swimming In the pool, yelling at you for getting my hair wet, jumping in the trampoline. Laying on the trampoline looking at the stars. Laying there watching movies, til we both fell asleep cuddled up on the couch. I remember one night you were so sad you actually cried in front of me. I never seen that side of you. I just wanted to comfort you. I’m not sure how long after, but I remember sitting on my porch one day and for some reason you were with your ex gf at Tim hortons and she had your phone and sent me a long text as you saying you were breaking up with me. I was so confused and so hurt. Didn’t see it coming. But later that day you and I met up and talked and shit worked out. Although I still had some fears and confusion going on. A few days later or so i believe I was drinking a couple of my dads beers and told you to come pick me up so we could hang out and we went to the falls. We went up on the observation deck and we watched the fireworks. Something came over me, maybe it had something to do with the beer, giving me some courage to say to you that I wanted to finally have sex. You were shocked lol I was shocked. We left, and I snuck you into my house. We laid there for a while. I was nervous as fuck because it was my first time. You made me feel comfortable though. You were nervous yourself even shaking. We just laughed and let it happen. I was SO happy that you’re the one I lost it to. You were my person. No matter what. It was a special moment for me for sure. We laid there afterwards cuddling and I couldn’t believe what just happened. Remember around that time we were trying to get pregnant? Lol we tried a few times.So young and naive we were. Remember the 4th of July party at your Nonnas place. That day was very fun, I remember dancing with your sister, drunk as hell not giving a fuck lol you’d never seen me dance sober. Your sister was also very drunk. I remember it got dark and we were all on the trampoline I literally couldnt even jump let alone walk on the trampoline without falling over, and then the cops showed up and we started freaking out. We ran inside, into the bathroom and your sister hid her beer can in the bathroom cabinet lmao. Afterwards you went to bring me home, and I threw up in the front yard. Ill never forget that night. Remember when we went to the Florida Georgia line concert literally last minute? We had to drive all the way out past where the concert was to buy tickets, when the concert had already started. We got there in the middle if not cose to the end of it, but we still made the best out of it. It was the first time I was ever sober at a concert lol. About a month later we went to the luke bryan concert with Kelsey and met up with some people. We pregamed and then went into the concert where we just kept drinking, making memories having a good time.Then the one girl we were with, her boyfriend started talking to other girls and that made drunk me mad as hell so I guess i started hitting you saying you better not ever do that shit to me lol. Im still sorry for that by the way. That was still one of the best concerts I’ve been too. On the way back I had to pee so bad I was crying so I made you pull over so i could pee. Then on the way home I wanted cheeseburgers (Like i always do when I drink) so we stopped at Mcdonalds with Kelsey and drunk me said how I wanted to go in your basement (meaning have sex) lmao. Well that didnt end up happening that night, but I did end up staying the night. 

We once again ended up breaking up like a month later. I started dating someone new eventually, and you got back with your ex and moved out of town with her. We did our own thing for months. Months pass, October-August. It was the end of August when we got back in contact, you moved back home because you guys broke up. I was single. we went down to the harbor and talked and played on the playground in the pitch darkness of the night. We were just friends at that point, but I was happy to just be hanging out with you. Well a couple weeks later, I was at work, standing there just clocked out, when I opened facebook and saw that you announced you were having a baby girl with your ex. I was so shocked, if you saw my face it probably turned white. I couldnt believe it. I texted you asking how long you knew about this because you mentioned she was due in November, and it was already into September at this point. I just didnt understand, my heart was crushed. I thought i’d lose you forever. Things were about to change big time and I didnt know what to do. You were my everything and I was sure it was the end. You ended up getting back together with her. We stopped talking til a few months later, the baby was born and somehow we started talking, you were still with her but you told me you thought she was cheating on you. So me being the detective I am, sure enough found that she had that dating profile, and was claiming she was a single mother, when you guys were still together, and living together. I was so mad, for you. How the hell is someone going to do something like that? Well things ended with you guys, and we ended up back together. No matter what we always found our way back to eachother. Yes we did break up alot. But it was always for stupid reasons. I remember meeting your baby for the first time, and holding her and it did kind of make me sad, thinking “Wow, this could have been our baby” it really did suck knowing that it couldnt happen for us, but did for you and her. Thats all I ever wanted, was to start a family with you. 

We ended up breaking up, for another few months and dated other people. We got back together in June, which didnt last long. Omg its so crazy to think about all the times we broke up and what not. I can see why people talked alot of shit, but we didn’t care because we loved eachother.  Time went by almost a whole year, I moved out of my house in April and by May we were talking again and got back together. This was the last time we were together. We swore that was gonna be our time. That this was it, we were going to stay together and never break up again. We were having really good time, I met some of your new friends, and your cousin. We hung out with them a few times, we went to Canal Fest, We went to Kenmore Days, we did your little Niagara Falls dates, went to the outer harbor like old days, things just felt so right. I was so happy, and still in love with you. I remember the one night after drinking and your friends place, we went back to my place, and even though I had it in my mind, I was too nervous to bring it up, that I wanted to have sex, until you asked. It was like our first time all over again, I felt so nervous. But it was just as special as the first time. Laying there after, cuddled up, even though it was hot as fuck in my room, was one of my favorite feelings. It just felt so right. That weekend we went to the beach, the same one we went to with your family in the summer of 9th grade. I loved going there with you. That place will always hold that special memory. I took so many pictures and videos of you, and us. I still have them all. Weeks past, I decided to move out of my roommates house and move back home. You helped me move all my stuff back home, and later that night we went out to eat with your cousin. Life was going good, I was happy.. Until on the way home, I seen your ex’s name pop up on your car radio. My heart sunk, but I played it off like I didnt see it. We got to my house, I gave you the last kiss that we ever had. I got in my house and broke down. Why? We were so happy and finally in a great place with eachother. I thought to myself this is just a really bad dream. But it wasn’t. You said it was nothing, but I couldn’t belive it. I didn’t see a reason for you to still be talking to her. So we broke up. A couple months go by, and  I didnt get my period, and I thought I was pregnant. I kept getting faint lines on tests, even though by that point, they would’ve been coming up dark. But I read all this stuff online. That is could happen to some people where they have faint lines their whole pregnancy, or they never get a positive test when they are in fact pregnant. So I believed I was, I kept taking more and more tests, I was even starting to look pregnant. I told you I was, and I was scared. I couldnt talk to you. I didnt want to go to the dr because I went there years prior telling her I thought i was pregnant and I wasnt, so i didnt wanna look crazy again. So i kept it to myself, my stomach kept getting bigger, no period, had all the symptoms. I still have pictures, and Im sure I still have tests hidden somewhere. I didnt know what to do our expect. I was like “Am I really gonna have a baby in March?” Well March comes, and surely enough I wasnt pregnant. I went through a phantom/hysterical pregnancy. I was in a really dark place after that. What I went through was not easy. Its a real thing. A month or two past and I heard from my coworker who also works a 2nd job at your moms work, that she knew your mom and your mom asked about me and if i really had a baby. So I texted your mom later that day and explained everything. I messaged you the next day to talk. I explained everything, and you were understanding, I think. It was almost a year at that point that I seen you, and I really wanted to meet up and talk about it in person. But you were dating someone at this time. You told me that we could be friends, and talk to eachother, which I was happy about. But there were times I told you I love you and how I missed you, and even though you were dating someone, and I knew that.. something felt off. I knew something was up. Because in the past if we were talking, and you were dating someone else you would come back to me. As bad as that sounds. I said to myself why do I feel like this girl is gonna end up pregnant in the next couple months... Well funny enough, the next night im at work and I open twitter, and I seen you announced that you guys were having a baby. My heart dropped more than it did the first time. I was having a full blown anxiety attack while trying to work. It was a mix of emotions from what I had just went thru, to wondering why and how did you let that happen. It all made sense though to why you were acting off. I left you alone. But I was still hurt and upset over the news. People from our highschool made tweets and shit and me being hurt, decided to make a post myself. You weren’t too happy about that. I do apoligize for writing it. But you have to see it from my point of view. I want to be happy for you, but I cant. Because we were never supposed to be over. You are the love of my life. My highschool sweetheart. I wanted to marry you. I still do. And it sucks to know that it will most likely never happen. I’ve been single for a year and like 2 months now since we broke up. I haven’t had any interest in talking to someone knew. A couple months ago, I did try to talk to people, because I have no one to talk to in general, I tried to find connecitons with people, but I literally can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop holding on to hope. There is no one else I want but you. And it breaks my heart. I still cry for you. I still think about you, everyday. This post is obviously very very long. And if you took the time to read all of it, thank you. Even though I know nothing is going to come out of this I had to let it all out. The other night literally every single memory I had with you came rushing back, and I had to write it all out. We have had soooo many good times, and bad. But the good outweighs the bad. I truly think we were meant to be together. Maybe some day we will cross paths again. I’ve been writing for hours, and my eyes hurt, my vision is blurry. I just want to say I love you Anthony Jaskowiak, and I always will. 

Im drainned dude

hi 10:33 18/08/2019

i need to vent my minds a mess idk, i havvent stopped in months and it has been very draining so i guess idk i didnt wannaa sounds cocky saying all the things i did but for the sake of me wanting tto le it out i will and all of this to lead uo tot he present that was me being eith my dad today and how it was, how i feel about it i guess. So it all starts back in may, 3 months ago, where i was trying to survive with my grades i had to make sure everything was gonna go smoothly in my desenho exam and then i also was starting to feel pressure cause june was coming uo and tbh june is just streeeessssfull, theres first mels birthday on 1st June and one week before we took her to the tosquia too, then theres Beas burthday but also my sobrinho santiago was born, on the 5th an then beas birthday is on the 6th, then theres the aniversary off bea and i's first date in the 16th wheere we had previously planned wed recreate to celebrate and then theres bea and i's actual birthday on the 22nd and we went to pride but i was all very hard cause idk i guess we wanted our first birthday to be good (or at least i really dis which gave it some pressure), but it happened;; we celebrated at pride cause we were lucky enouh this year it was on he 22nd, the 2 days later its my moms birthday and i usually dont do anything but this time i decided i was gnna do something and i did, i recreated her gradma's torta, clean the whole house spotless and then i recreated a card i had made for her back in '06;;; on top of all of these ne is exam seasson and i had to hardcore study for gd everyday trying to reach a unreachable goal of 67 exercises, with so much gd i ended up forgetting a litte about portugues and had to study last minute, luckly i knew what i was doing cause m aware i know pessoa pretty well so my plan was just to study the rest but i dont think i gave it enough time sinse i had an 8, the to desenho i didnt study cause cockly, i dont need to, i had a 13,4 which i wasnt happy with but thats life i guess, it wasnt woth the money tryng to ask for a revisao, well, and at gd i had a 5, when i needed a 10 cause i was aluna externa this resulted that after this hell of a month i had to suffer another one cause i neeeded to learn everything i didnt lean in 1 and a half years id gd, in les than a month so i had to stuy like a crazzy person, this time i didnt have to do 67 exercices it was a lot less but still i couldnt do it and i did as much as i could and more i broke down 10000 billion time ad i thought i couldnt do it i didnt fee prepared and tbh i was terrafied cause if i faied this exam i didnt have my 12th grade done and it as a pain in the ass to think about but still after madess of stdying gd all day and until 5 am i did it only with a 11;;; but i didd  it then that hell of a month ended and we get to this present moth but before that had sams birthday coming up and i wanted to surprise him with a cake cause bea and i had offered him cookie cake not knowing he was vegan now and it was dissapointing when we were like ,,, so you cant have it? cause we didnt know we wasnt jus veegetarian anymore blah blah blah, i had to do preaparations for his birthday and it was stressful, i wanted it to be good, the the day after we celebrate sams birthday im still not able to sit and relax a little cause its 2nd august and bea and i are going to veiros, dont get me wrong i was the one deciding to go but god i was tiring, i had more fun than last time i was there but theere wasa lot more stress too cause renataa was trying to cionvince us to go to university the whole time and it was a pain tbh cause i didnt know what to do but i ha a slight ide that i did wanna go bt then the problem was that because of that they ere all using me as an eexample to convince bea and i felt pressure to be like yeah im absolutely for sure going;;; at the end of the say i didd decide i wanted to go but then i was more stressed cause the dates were ending an i didnt havee my passe for dges cause there was a problem with it and my fcha enes was stuck to cause apparently you had to do thing in the secretaria to pik it up so i emailed the help line of dges for the password and asked my mom to go to school to ick up my ficha and ii did manage to have the pass in time but then the lady lied about the time the secretaria was open apparently cause when lena and my mom went there it was closed and i gess that meant that steess was over but id didnt manage to do the cadidatura in the 1st fase,;;;; which later on i found out i couldnt even do in the first place cause people with exams in the 2nd fase cant do the candidatura in the 1st fase soyahhhh unnecesary stess and now i need to wait until 9th september to do my candidatura and pray im accepted indesenho or pintura cause i do not want escultura as a everyday thing or at least i dont think i do ~ so;;; were n veiros also therees tension in the air cause tia tania an vo rosa are mad at each other, we did a lit of things everyday ehch made it less boring but i was so tired already that doing so much stuff wasnt my favourite at times now we came back 4 days ago but i still havent stoped and im tiredddddd, i think i only stayed 1 day home and it was to clean, we arrived in the 12, i slept in beas house and stayed ther the 13th, then i was home on the 14th, then there was the attempt to go to school take care of the ficha and it as closed but then spent the day with david and sof and bee, then my brother invited me to go meet santiag and then i actually went to school again and go stuff done and then the day arrived and i spent the day with andre and the baby, a friend, lena and rafaela, and her mom too for a bit (she was nice). all pf this leading up for today and this week, today i met with my dad just outside my house, he had miriam and pff idk he was having a talk to me cause we walked shiro and he was just saying o ho mirriam remind him of me and how were very alike and idk what to think of that, he said or drawings are the same and that she has my feitio, asked me to go to his place some day and all and idk it was confusing, he made me remember memories i was repressing, good ones but idk if itss good for me to remember those things, he reminded me of when i used hus bike and surprised him cause i was sall and he used to be on a bike aand id always ask like you could let me use it and etc etc and he was like come on mariana podes la tua andar com a bicicleta do pai its too big and all that and i told hm i couldnt go on it alone cause it was to tall but if he put me up there i could ride it and he did probably just to shit me up and i rode it to the end of the street did a cirve and got back and he was choked and all of this cause he said he really wanted miriam to learn too. he compared me a lot to her and talked about ho he still has lots of my stuff;;;;;;; i complainted about my doctor octopus;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; i guess it was to avoi talking about the situation with lena but he did meantion her at all ot as little as possible and it was weird cause that made it so that the way it was talking it was like i was his only daugther or that lena was never there which made me wonder about things idk i guess i never realised to what degreee i was ay closer to my dad than lena, its no surprisse we always knew lena got the looks of his side of the family but i got the personalty thats why me and andre get along so well (also andres sun is my moon cough) im pretty sure me seeing my dad makes my mom sad too, understandably so i dont plan to do it often, not everyone can be happy in this story and its definitely not my mom going to be the one thats not happy, i own her everything i ever had and tbh i only acceot the times i do see my dad out of ity and guilt and cause admiditely i do miss and crave having a dad idk i guess i never had one for real but id like to, but it doesnt sound very realitic so im not too expectant i dont believe i is ever going to happen i hope days fro here forward are a little more chill although i doubt that, at least for a week or so, maybe a few days if im lucky but today im meeting bea and sleeping there se if thats a bit relaxing, then tomorrow im supposed to go soewhwere with david and sof and then the day after with david, sof and sam so yah know, a bit busy i wanted to pint and to draw do thins in my sketchbook cause there hasnt been much time ffor that or cabeça i guess and knoowing myself i feel like that might work on making me a little better before the mess starts again cause of the candidaturas in like 2 weeks

anyway

12:46 18/08/2019 bye

...

This past year I have found a huge part of me and overcome so many issues I had it’s almost unbelievable.

At the beginning of this year I was unhappy mentally and psychically. Mentally I was depressed & anxious, physically I was unhealthy and my appearance was adding to the issues already in my mind. I hated myself. That’s so sad. What is it that makes us hate ourselves?

A time line of the year:

January: New Years Resolution - to lose weight. I was so depressed about the way I looked. I isolated myself from any new people. I was constantly covered up in layers as I was so self conscious of people calling me fat. I knew I was fat and I knew I was going to get fatter if I didn’t change things.

February: Blacked out on a night out, remember nothing for the millionth time, I ended up at a bus stop smoking a joint with a dead phone and with a girl and guy I just knew. I slept with someone I never ever ever imagined I would and I hate myself for that. That experience put me off going out as I realised how unsafe I was letting myself become on nights out. I’m not trust worthy with alcohol. But I have to forgive myself to move on from that experience. And learn from it.

March - June: Started listening to Jhené. I started an Appreciteship alongside my job at work. I stopped going out and drinking. I started staying in with my friends smoking. I know that doesn’t sound great, but it completely changed me. It made me calmer. It made the world seem that bit nicer. It made me happy. In all honesty. It opens my mind and I’ve become more in touch with people, emotions and the future since. I went to Amsterdam in June and I believe this holiday really changed me too. I came back from Amsterdam and this is when I decided to start eating healthy.

July: I joined the gym. I was in the gym for a month and I started seeing a difference quickly. My weight seemed to come off quickly. It was amazing! I never ever ever imagined me losing weight. I was so damn lazy I never thought this would be me. A gym person! What the fuck. I still get excited about it every single day. No one apart from me will never know how much this means to me.

July/August - I had an argument with my mum about her drinking so much alcohol. I left the house and drove to work extremely upset. I wanted to crash my car. Do you know how that scary that is? To be so past the point of sane you are willingly thinking those things through? Why is the pain I experience always so painful? I got to work and then made the decision to call my doctor and discuss medication. I had always known I suffered depression, due to self harming at a young age but I was always living in the moment and doing nothing about my problems. This was one of the best decisions I made.

July, August, September, October - On the medication. I had a month signed off work as I was anxious about the side effects. I actually felt no side effects apart from I was extra anxious on the first day taking them. I do believe the medication helped straighten out my mind. I used to be so scared about being alone. I wouldn’t be able to sit at home alone ever as I’d get bored and self destructive. But now? I love me time. I love my space. I love me so I love spending time with me. More work opportunities showing.

November - Still going to the gym, still losing weight, no longer on my anti depressants, created a LinkedIn profile in hopes of broadening my career horizons. Plans to move out by March. Motivated; determined and positive. My life is finally moving and I am so blessed to be in this place:

I have made the relevant changes in the last 5-6 months I needed. I am a new person.

One issue I just can’t quite get my head around is guys. I haven’t been interested in guys in the last year as I’ve dedicated my time to my friends, my career aspects and bettering me physically and mentally. It’s been a really good year. I can confidentially look back at this year and call it a good one which makes me happy as this was my goal. I was so determined to turn all of my sadness into happiness and I have exceed beyond all of my hopes. I have motivation, determination and a bright future ahead of me.

Through all of this, I’ve had myself to carry me through the lows and highs, I haven’t depended on a man to experience my highs with me or live my low moments. Do you know how amazing that is? As women we are raised to depend on men and I’ve got myself to where I am without depending on anyone, but me. Im almost empowered by this feeling and it almost makes me want to be alone, because I love how good it feels to be independent! I feel like I have complete control of my life.

Maybe that’s the issue? When I bring a guy into my life, I won’t have control anymore. My feelings my happiness will be at risk. How do I know he’s worth it? How do I know I can rely on him not to fuck it up? How can I be sure I won’t get hurt? There’s so many questions. One day, I’ll think, I don’t want a man, because I don’t want a man. But another day I’ll think I don’t want a man because it’s unfamiliar to me now so the idea of dating again sets of my anxiety.

But this is what I fight with myself every time.

Is it genuinely me just wanting to be with me right now or is it the fact I’m scared of putting myself out there?

I can’t work it out

As I write this my last two babies are taking their afternoon nap,  something that I know along with sleepy snuggles and cuddles in bed,  will too soon be outgrown!

August 2107 – Day One

I am so emotional about my last two babies becoming toddlers.

When I found out that we were having twins for the second time I was so distraught. I knew how much hard work the first two were. Now my babies have grown Oh boy I wasn’t wrong it’s so much hard work but I’m so in love with them. Im so sad that during their newborn phase I was so poorly and could barely look after them.

September 2017 – Month 2

September 2107 – Month One

These two little surprises were definitely our last ones when we found out there were going to be two again. although it does make me sad that I wont have a newborn in my arms again. (until you know the next generation come along!) The decision of having more was taken away from me because of the emergency  hysterectomy. It feels a little bit more final than actually just saying your done!

The past year has been so long but has gone so fast.

October 2017 Month Two

We have been on many adventures not all good adventures either!

There are times throughout the last year that I’ve wanted to throw in the towel of being mum and head to Fiji. I have struggled so much with being outnumbered.

November 2017 – Month Three

I’ve been up and down health wise, we’ve had jealously from the big two and faced lots of tantrums and stroppy behaviour.

But were all learning to be a big family of 6! I know that’s quite small for some but I’m an only child so that huge to me!

December 2017 – Month Four

A letter to you my last babies

A year ago I was put to sleep not knowing if I would ever meet you.  I was so scared that I was going to leave your brother and sister without a mum. yet I didn’t stop to think about you two! I feel so guilty that I was so selfish thinking I didn’t care if you two lived I just had to come out of the other side for my other babies.

January 2018 Month Five

But you know when I got through the other side I was so in love with you both.

So happy to be alive and so ready to cuddle you both!

I wanted to feed you myself but didn’t realise how poorly I was going to become!

I want to say how sorry I am that not only was I too poorly to breast feed you but on most occasions I was too poorly to even hold you for a bottle. When I did find the strength I threw up all over you Mason as well as the bed, your daddy’s shoes & trousers and the nurse!

February 2018 Month Six

When I was eventually fixed and we were allowed to come home there wasn’t much time for us to bond alone as I couldn’t lift you for ages so there was always someone here.

I can’t believe that was a year ago! and now look at us!

I am so much more confident being your parent than I was with your brother and sister!

Confident in things like what you need, how your developing, changes in routine etc.

What I’m still not good at is not getting stressed at everyone as everyone needs me all once! Im not good at being one step ahead of you both! You are always ready for your bottle before I have it made.

March 2018 Month Seven

I’m not good at dealing with your screaming Mason I wish you could tell me what you want as I fear I will be deaf before you can talk. You squeal is so high-pitched and loud!

I feel sometimes that maybe I don’t have enough time for all of you!

It’s a good job we have nanny sue around to help us and give mummy a break from time to time!

April 2018 Month Eight

I just want you to know even though I am shouty and often upset you have made me such a better mummy! Its bloody hard work being outnumbered by an army you made yourself.

I want you to know that I’m going to try over the next year to make our home such an amazing place.

It will get better I know it will!

May 2018 Month Nine

I know there will be moments that will be testing but we will get through them together!

I’m so proud of you both!

Mason you curly hair and cheeky smile is so warming! You are like no-one we know grandma thinks you have a bit of an Italian side to you. Your amazing tanned skin.

Jessica you are the cutest little girl. Just looking at you brings a smile to my face. – You are so much like you big sister was!

June 2018 Month Ten

Just recently you seemed to have noticed each other and started playing together.

Not like Jake & Melody who used to cuddle one another!

July 2018 Month Eleven

You both seem to have your own independence. which I’m hoping as you grow is a good thing!

Thank-you both for coming into our life! Making our family complete!

Happy 1st Birthday!

August 2018 Month Twelve

Here is to another year of adventures!

Mummy x

And Just like that They turned One – An emotional Letter To My Last Babies As I write this my last two babies are taking their afternoon nap,  something that I know along with sleepy snuggles and cuddles in bed,  will too soon be outgrown!