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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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UWU I'm in the mood for some Raphael talk, I love the headcanon you've talked about in the chat about Raphael tolerating Alec only because he makes his dad happy (which is so damn valid of him), and it's one of my most fave things do you have more slightly silly headcanons about it?

you really want me to be beaten up huh may. you want them to come for me again. you want to ruin my life

okay disclaimer Alec stans pwease dont hate me uwu I'm not saying i hate Alec I'm saying that i dont think Raphael would vibe with him. especially after the whole punch which I'll never get over cuz like i KNOW rationally that alec didnt have the full story and if izzy was hurt and sitting beside a white shadowhunter he would go there and beat them up all the same cuz alec's like this, but I'm still upset eidndidjdid my boy doesnt deserve this okay

anyway with that being said

i dont think its Raphael like, genuinely hating him as much as them having nothing in common besides their mutual love for Magnus and desire to see him happy. so Raphael can tolerate him fine, but he's not exactly dying to be best friends. besides, alec's like, all of the most annoying things about shadowhunters (all serious, never fucking relaxes, must have a weapon close at all times, doesn't understand food, doesn't listen to music, doesnt-) that arent like straight up nazist bigotry. so hes just like. ugh. whatever. I'm here for Magnus. leave pls

i can absolutely see that tbh Raphael just goes to their house and is all like "Alec leave i want to talk to Magnus" and alec's like "this is my house?" and raphael's like "and?" and alec's like "Fine, ill take a walk. Magnus, Raphael is here." but he also kisses Magnus goodbye in front of Raphael because he can, in fact, be an ass

also i know i told u about that already but Raphael lowkey challenges him every time like. he'll come by Magnus' and bring food, and of course theres food for 3 because Raphael is not gonna be that rude and he doesn't want to make Magnus feel like Raphael wants him to choose between Raphael and Alec. Alec makes Magnus happy and Raphael would never want to make Magnus feel like his love or presence in his life is conditional. Plus, he doesn't actually hate him. Just a little.

anyway so he brings the food and he's like (clearly judgemental tone) "i brought hot sauce because i figured Alec doesn't usually eat spicy food" and he's obviously correct, Alec had never eaten anything with season in his life before he met Magnus, much less pepper. he's the kind of ultimate, boss-level gringo who puts salt on his food when he's feeling adventurous

so Raphael sits down and puts the food on his plate and he pours hot sauce into his plate while making unwavering eye contact with Alec (yeah raphael can eat in this because he deserves it and i said so) and it's an obvious challenge and it evidently works because Alec 1- is competitive, and 2- actually wants Raphael's respect because he knows how important he is to Magnus. so he takes the salsa from Raphael and starts pouring it too while maintaining eye contact right back, jaw clenched in challenge, looking all serious and Magnus is like "children, please" and raphael's all like "oh no no no, let him" but Alec considers that a win because Raphael is clearly trying to contain a smile and thats the first step to winning him over

so anyway Alec sweats and grimaces through the whole meal, cuz like, look yes he may have pain tolerance because he's a shadowhunter but he's also the bitch who reacted to taking a sip of beer like someone had farted on his face. he can't hide his reactions for shit, but fuck if he doesn't lick the plate clean (not literally like gross) and doesn't shed a single tear, even as he clearly can't keep his eyes open with the effort

Magnus is like "Alexander, you dont have to do this" and alec's like "(eyes squeezed shut, grimacing, drenched in sweat) do what? this is very good" and Raphael is smiling into his plate even as Magnus shoots him dirty looks

then Alec is like "i won. i ate it all" and Raphael is like "(looking at his red sweaty face and puffy eyes) really?"

also look ill always love the hc that Raphael resents Alec for his height and Alec doesnt even notice. Raphael is not short, god damn it, hes 175! thats TEN whole centimeters above the mexican average! he was the tallest boy in Guadalajara! RAPHAEL IS TALL, OKAY

EXCEPT everyone in the goddamn shadow world is apparently a god damn giant. Its humiliating enough that Magnus is 180. but Magnus is his dad, so whatever. but Alec is FUCKING 190. no one needs that much tall. no one! Raphael went from being the tallest boy in the neighborhood to the shortest, and boy he is so not pleased about it

but Alec has no idea because who cares? (Raphael. Raphael cares. deeply. he cares so much) it's not even good to be that tall, he keeps banging his head on things. so there will be moments like. Raphael is standing in front of the bookshelf, seeming very focused. Alec shrugs, figures he's looking for something, and puts the book he was going to put there up. Raphael shoots him a dirty look that might as well be a stab, and Alec's like ???????? did i disrupt you? sorry? and Raphael just crosses his arms like "you didnt do anything, i dont know what you're talking about"

in reality the shelf was too high up because Magnus adjusted his shelves to his and Alec's height, and Raphael refused to stand on his tiptoes or god forbid, a stool, to grab his book, so he was just glaring at the shelf until the book came to him or something. and when Alec put the book up he was mad cuz Alec could reach it fjdndid

later Alec tells Magnus about it like "i dont get what i did. is he just that private?" and Magnus is like "hmm. i have no idea, darling" but next time Raphael comes, the shelves have been spelled to adjust to the book picker's height

also this always makes me think of that scene in hsm where zeke tries to talk to sharpay and she goes "evaporate, tall person!" and leaves and i love that mental image tbh

also like. eventually Alec apologizes for the punching thing (look. look. Im still salty and Raphael deserves it okay) and Raphael is like. moved because something deep inside of him still believed it was his fault and he was a monster, and it's. nice. and Alec kind of extends his arms and Raphael is like "dont think so" and crosses his arms and Alec kind of very very slowly lifts his arm and pats Raphael's head once and Raphael wants to scream and Alec looks very awkward and sheepish and Magnus bursts out laughing

(Raphael doesnt mind, though, because Magnus is genuinely so happy all day that they had a good interaction. so happy. and Raphael thinks, okay, this is okay. it's good if it makes Magnus happy.)

(Magnus also pats his head and plays with his hair, but its okay because Magnus has always done that and Raphael doesnt mind. only from him though. and raphael's partners. but anyway)

plus whenever Magnus is like, upset, or sick or something, theyre like. an unit. because for all they have no common interests they do think very alike (autistic solidarity i guess) and are very practical when it comes to taking care of others, and they both just. adore Magnus, okay. so Raphael will arrive, make Magnus soup. while he makes soup, Alec stays with him and takes his temperature. once Raphael is back with the soup, Alec goes out to buy medicine, and Raphael stays with him to make him company. and so on. at some point Alec is almost falling asleep by Magnus' side and Raphael taps his shoulder and points to the chair nearby, and Alec nods and dozes off for a while. then its the other way around. Magnus isnt seriously sick, of course, but he doesn't usually get sick so it's an event, plus they're both Like This. and for all the grief they give each other, they trust each other to take care of Magnus. theres no argument about that

(Magnus was resting, but he did see some of these moments, and smiled a bit to himself before dozing off again)

also Raphael and Ragnor gave Alec the ultimate shovel talk (Ragnor doesn't trust anyone after Camille, and while neither do cat and dot, they were more chill), but it lowkey backfired because they were like "if you ever hurt him, we'll remove your kneecaps" and Alec was like "(nodding seriously) thats fair"

also i know we've talked about this already but i also love the idea that Raphael goes to their house and is all absentmindedly like "hm can i have some coffee" and alec's like "sure, ill make it :) you stay here and talk to Magnus" and when Alec comes back he hands Raphael his coffee in a "best. bonus son. ever" mug and then he leans back against the wall, sipping his own coffee from his "world's #1 stepdad" mug that he bought himself, trying to hide his shit eating grin, and Raphael scowls and deliberately holds it so his hand covers the words, and Magnus laughs and his eyes shine as he sips his tea.

(later, Raphael is like. guess me and lightwood have a dynamic now. gross. but he still rolls with it)

in short Raphael and Alec being little shits to each other but still building something of a relationship for Magnus and always taking care of him..... ultimate trope

#ask #cosmicnovia #luxxmagnus #sh #shadowhunters #raphael santiago #magnus bane #alec lightwood #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them #long post #autistic alec lightwood #autistic raphael santiago #brief but still there #crack #sh crack #malec

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yeojimon · 4 years

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An Imposter Among The Möbius: Chapter 4 - A Loonaverse Among Us AU

Chapter 5 is probably going to be the last, we're in the endgame now.

This one probably took the longest to write but for some reason feels really short 😭😭😭

Word count: 1,176

Warnings: Major character death, blood

Pairings: Viseul, Chuuves (Theres a LOT of Chuuves in Ch5 but its.... very painful Chuuves)

🐰🐱✖️🐸✖️✖️✖️✖️🍎🍓✖️🐺

The entire crew sat around the table, ghosts included.

"Where was it?" Yeojin asked. Before, she had cried when her friends had died. Now she was just used to it.

"I found her in admin," said Sooyoung, both the reporter and murderer.

Heejin was the next to ask a question. "Was anyone near?"

"Someone. I wasn't sure who."

The crew was silent, deep in their thoughts. A sudden realization clicked in Hyunjin's mind. "You were the one to report it, so I doubt it's you. I was with Pink all day. We were looking at cams, and I'm pretty sure Orange was in nav and weapons for a while, I also highly doubt she would kill Purple. It could be Black but...... I'm getting a weird feeling that it's Peach." She pointed over to Jiwoo, who looked shocked.

Sooyoung looked over to Hyejoo. Hyunjin had an alibi for everyone, except for Hyejoo and Jiwoo. She couldn't expose her though, they had already lost Jinsoul.

But that would mean she would have to say it was Jiwoo.

"Burgundy, what do you think? Did you see Peach near admin?"

She didn't - but she knew she had to say yes. Hyejoo was watching her like a hawk. Jinsoul (may she rest in peace) probably was too. She had to lie, she had to say it was Jiwoo.

Sooyoung looked over to the peach crewmate. She looked like a lost puppy in the cold. "Burgundy..... Y-You.... You know it isn't me, right? I- I was in the cafeteria, I, I know I wasn't doing tasks but I just, I-I....." She wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to expose another imposter. "Sooyoung..... please...."

She took a deep breath. "It's Black."

"What?!?" Hyejoo yelled.

"It's Black. I saw her vent the other day but I didn't say anything because I knew she would kill me."

"Sooyoung, you snitch!-"

Yeojin slammed her hand on the table. "Hell yeah, Black was sus, it's about time she gets ejected!"

"So we agree? It's Black?"

Sooyoung took one last look at the other imposter. "Do it."

Hyejoo was An Imposter. 1 Imposter remains.

•••

Jinsoul joining the ghosts was unexpected, but it wasn't too long before she was accepted.

Hyejoo on the other hand, was a different story.

"...... Are you guys going to say something or just stare at me?"

Silence.

"I'm sorry."

All the other ghosts started simultaneously yelling at her.

"I SWEAR TO GOD HYEJOO-"

"Did you really have to kill me? I was literally JUST about to leave O2-"

"You seriously just. Made me agree to be in an alliance? And then once I died, you just replaced me? That's not cool-"

Hyejoo crossed her arms, patiently waiting for them to be done. In the midst of all the scolding, Jinsoul walked in and waved. "Oh hey Hyejoo!"

"Hey."

"YOU PRACTICALLY KILLED IN FRONT OF YEOJIN! A CHILD!??"

This was going to be a really long mission.

•••

There was one imposter left. Yeojin and Hyunjin stood in security together, discussing who it could be.

"Personally, I think it could still be Peach." Hyunjin looked confused. "Think about it! Burgundy said it was Black, but never said it couldn't be Peach!"

"That's true..." The yellow crewmate looked down thoughtfully. "But do you really think Peach would kill someone?"

"She seems a bit too sane to be a crewmate - a little bit too insane at the same time too. Hold on that doesn't make sense- anyways, what I'm trying to say is, maybe Peach is a psychopath." The youngest member shrugged, spinning around in her chair.

"I'm not a psychopath!" Peach stood in the doorway.

Hyunjin jumped and Yeojin fell out of her chair.

The lights shut off and sirens started blaring. Someone had sabotaged the lights. The light from the computer helped illuminate the room enough that Hyunjin could find a flashlight. "I'm going down to electrical to check on the lights. If I'm not back in 30 minutes, something is probably wrong."

"Good luck!" Jiwoo waved as the yellow crewmate left.

•••

"I'm worried, Vivi."

"About Yeojin?"

"Yeojin and everyone else. The lights are out, it's the perfect time for Sooyoung to kill someone, and I'm sure she knows that." Haseul ran her hand through her hair, visibly distressed. "And what if.... What if she gets everyone? What'll happen? What's her plan after that, what's she going to do with the ship? And-"

Vivi placed her hand on the green crewmate's shoulder. "Haseul."

Haseul sighed. "God, Vivi, I'm sorry...."

"You don't need to be. Just take a deep breath, okay?"

The leader of the crew did as she was asked, taking a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. "I just... Hate being like this. Having to watch all of this happen, not being able to say anything. I wish I could just... I dont know. I'm already dead, but I wish I didn't have to be aware like this, I wish I didn't have to be a ghost."

"As scary as it is, I'm kinda glad we're... it still sounds silly to say, sorry, but I'm glad we're ghosts. We never talked that much before we died, so I'm glad we got this opportunity, regardless of everything else. You're pretty cool."

"You're.... pretty cool too."

For the first time in a while, Haseul actually felt at peace.

The mood changed instantly as Sooyoung walked in, going into the vent in the corner of the room.

•••

"It's been a while, Orange, I think I should go see what's going on."

"It's been 15 minutes, Peach! Relax. You probably just wanna kill her or something."

Jiwoo dramatically gasped. "I would never!"

"Okay, imposter."

Jiwoo gasped again. "I'm not the imposter!" she whined. "Hand me that flashlight. Please."

"Okay, okay. Here."

The peach crewmate made her way out of the security room and into the hallway. She took a deep breath. "Okay, Jiwoo, you can do this. It's just like that haunted house you went to last year with Joowon! If someone jumps out at you, just laugh at them. No big deal. Not at all." She nervously made her way through the halls.

She had just reached the lower engine when her flashlight began flickering. It went out, leaving the room pitch black. "No no no no no no noooo!" she said to herself. "Electrical isnt far away, you can do this! Come on Jiwoo...."

After hitting the walls a bunch to figure out where she was, she found her way into electrical. It didn't seem like anyone was in there, maybe Hyunjin had gotten lost too.

She had done wires enough to figure out that they were all slightly different in sizes. She couldn't see them, but by finding which sizes matched, she was quickly able to fix the lights.

"Alright! Now to find Hyunjin and tell her that-"

"J-Jiwoo?"

Sooyoung stood in front of her. In one hand she held a knife, still dripping with blood. She stood over Hyunjin's dead body.

•••

🐰✖️✖️🐸✖️✖️✖️🍎🍓✖️✖️

I hate when writing takes so long and then it only takes you like two minutes to read through the final product 😭😭😭

Anyways, yeah!!! I hope you liked this. I wanna say smth else but Im really tired, sorry.

#loona #among us #loonaverse #heejin #hyunjin #haseul #yeojin #vivi #kim lip #jinsoul #choerry #yves #chuu #gowon #olivia hye #blood tw #death tw

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semiconducting · 3 years

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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inkth · 6 years

Text

boyfriend jungkook

꒰ bts as your boyfriend: soft!series ꒱

summary: a loud/lowkey shameless and competitive couple that argues over the meaning of life or why cant u just figure out how to finish that conclusion so y'all can play games tgthr and brainstorms over the best strategy to win overwatch like guys wyd doesn't he have to go to dance practice? hes got so many photos of u on his phone

contact name: kookie *insert bunny emoji*

you would actually use the bunny emoji except for the fact that you just dont wanna and hes like ok u lazy bum

overwatch competitions. 24/7

u guys send lots of funny selcas to each other as memes bc why do the boring standard meme pics when u both can make the face u need

“i say i love you more”

“no i do shut up”

just a normal meme couple doing meme couple things

bigbang karaoke contests

u guys have 1092 copies of all their albums just on repeat in your car

texts consisting of saying u want to go out to eat or him being hungry

“im hungry”

“i wanna go out to eat”

“omg wow we sent that at the same time, couple telepathy.......”

“ok kookie”

or hes like “pls text back this is super important and u have to answer right now immediately!!!!!!”

u answer and turns out it isn't even important at all *sigh*

he taught you how to bowl “correctly”

so u guys go bowling a lot

emojis consist of 🐰 and 🐸 cuz hes ur pepe the froggy bunny boy

always complaining abt how there aren't any bowling emojis

he drags u to go workout w him but it always ends up w u sitting within ten mins of starting and talking about ur day while hes sweating profusely jogging at like ten mph

he loves recording clips of him singing just for u

he brushes his teeth all the time, u think its quality teasing material

he doesn't even play overwatch that much on tour bc why do that when he can be facetiming u?

“what do u mean u want cute nicknames u call me forgers like its ur job get out leave my house”

he loves it when u look at his pictures or watch his little films and vlogs like hes so proud of them and to see u enjoy them makes his lil heart swell

“wait ur telling me ur an actual high school graduate wow!”

but u rly are proud of him even tho u can be sarcastic and u both know that u really sincerely care for him and would do literally anything for him no matter what

at the end of the day you guys rly love each other and would die for the other

he always calls u his “precious first love”

“what do u wanna eat”

“ramen”

“deal, so four packages?”

hes not rly one to be so emotionally in touch and deep and ready to spill his soul and what hes rly feeling so u guys ted to keep a very casual relationship as in terms of letting the other know how u rly feel but u both know its deeper than anything you both have ever felt before and slowly begin to feel comfortable saying things

hes just. too shy

secretly not secretly a huge romantic and will gladly stay in w u 2 watch cute movies

youre just still shy to this day bc how is it that jeon jungkook chose u out of all the millions

u steal his sweaters and that black hat w the rings and admire his arms and he likes waking up a lil earlier than he has to so he can look at your face and just drown in his feelings for u

u always play w his hands

sometimes u guys go out to play basketball at 2 am for some reason

honestly tho u gus tend to just tay indoors to cuddle or lay on top of each other while gaming or watching shows and movies

u enjoy waking to to see a dancing, disheveled hair, singing-along-to-osts jk making pancakes w extra butter

“jk pls make ur height useful and get that jar in the top shelf”

cant open your jam? given? worry not! heres a new innovation! its the new way! its Kook’s Arms™️‼️

hope u enjoyed this!! like always pls shoot any comments/feedback in my mailbox!!!!!!! byebye

#bts as your boyfriend #series #bulletpost #bts #bts jungkook #jungkook #jungkook drabble #jungkook oneshots #jeon jungkook #jungkook reaction #jungkook blurbs #boyfriend jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook au #bts fluff #bts au

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glowstickhaloboy · 7 years

Text

AU where keith accompanies lance to get a tattoo

so like. lance expects pain. he knows that getting a tattoo will hurt, he just doesnt know how much.

so he brings keith along with him.

thats the thing. keith is lances rival (but also kinda his friend, so it isnt weird to ask him to watch lance get a tattoo) so lance would never n e v e r show weakness in front of keith, even if he was getting a needle repeatedly buzzed through his skin

(lance is not terrified of needles, but that doesnt make him their biggest fan)

he made his appointment like a week ago, and since he was doing something small, they were able to squeeze him in much faster than hed thought they would be able to. suddenly, he has to quickly muster up his bravery.

“are you okay, man?” asks keith as they walk into the shop. “you look kinda pale.”

“what? im fine. shut up. mind your own business.”

“pft.”

lance almost feels bad, but hes more distracted by the fact that hes about to permanently mark his skin with ink. like. forever.

and its a worthwhile tattoo, its his aunts name on his shoulder because she passed away last year, and a lot of the adults in lance’s family have the same tattoo and he wants to prove that he’s not a baby anymore, but its still a big commitment

lance and keith are taken to the back room, where a guy is literally in the process of getting a tattoo done, which should not be a surprise in a tattoo parlor, but still lance kinda stares like he cant believe hes really here

keith nudges him. “are you sure youre okay?” he asks again. its the genuine concern in his voice that steels lance’s resolve. bastard.

“i am fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine Keith, what part of that statement dont you understand??” he glances back at the dude with half a dragon on his back. gulps. “totally fine.”

“because if you arent sure about this,” keith continues, “you shouldnt do it.”

lance scoffs. “im sure, keith. dont be ridiculous. and since when did you care? besides, i already made a downpayment, so if i dont go through with it, im out 60 bucks.”

keith shrugs. “whatever you say.”

so eventually the guy getting dragon-ed leaves with more of a dragon, not all of it, because apparently huge tattoos are done in sessions (by hour how can someone be okay with getting needled for h o u r s at a time???) and the artist wipes down seemingly everything in the room with disinfectant. lance is grateful for this. it gives him plenty of time to bolster his courage again.

the artist explains everything through to lance, and he doesnt know why hes still nervous. he really doesnt want the needle to hurt. he doesnt want to regret the decision in three months. he doesnt want everyone to make a big deal out of him getting a tattoo.

he has to take off his shirt because the tattoo is going to be on the back of his shoulder. hes been using humor to cover up his freak out this entire time, but now if he laughs he’ll mess up the tattoo, so he just has to lay there, trying not to look at keith, and listen to the pandora station the shop has playing.

finally, just as its about to start, even though keith is there, lance admits to the artist, “the anticipation is going to be horrible if im not facing you-”

“relax, man,” the artist says. “im not gonna leave you hanging. I’ll tell you before i come at you.”

and lance is like. okay. you can do this. brave face time. keith is right there. time to impress him.

and then the needle starts buzzing and lances eyes must go as wide as saucers. keith hides a snicker behind his hand and lance glares at him harder than he glared at uncle ricardo when he went for the last quesadilla at lance’s sister’s wedding. “i dont see you getting stabbed over here, keith,” he says.

keith shrugs. “you chose this,” is all he says.

“damn right i did, and its important to me, so stop making fun of me, you nerd ass jerk face.”

keith sobers. “youre right, sorry.” hes still smiling, though.

and, okay, there is pain. theres definitely pain. but its honestly not horrible. thinking about what it was going to be was definitely worse than going through it. lance isnt a wimp, he finds a rhythm to breathe in and grits his teeth past the burn.

all in all, the tattoo does not take more than fifteen minutes. lance is actually surprised by how fast it goes. he stands when the artist tells him to and twists around to check out his back in the mirror.

his heart soars. it looks awesome. he may or may not tear up a little.

the artist helps lance bandage the tattoo and gives him instruction for aftercare, and lance returns the favor with a generous tip.

keith is holding out lance’s shirt, and lance flushed when he realizes that hes still naked from the waist up. he snatches his shirt and tugs it back on.

“it does look really good, man,” says keith.

lance is practically glowing. “it does, doesnt it?” he says. “my family’s going to love it.” and then softer, “i love it.”

keith punches lance’s arm lightly. “you should. and, for the record, i was surprised at how well you kept it together. except for gritting your teeth once, you really handled yourself.”

lance’s blush deepens. “were you watching that closely?” he asks, embarrassed.

keith doesnt say anything because they reach the door to the shop. he holds it open for lance. lance catches a whiff of the pizza place across the street.

“dude, i am starving. i havent been able to eat all day, i was so nervous. you wanna grab something to eat? my treat, since i dragged you all the way out there.”

keith--keith--smiles. “i’d like that,” he says.

once theyre seated inside, lance asks, “so come on then, if you were getting a tattoo, what would it be?”

“i already have one,” keith says, stone serious.

“really?! where??”

“on my foot. its a wolf’s head that says courage. its spelled out in the teeth.”

“no way! youre lying to me right now! i gotta see this!”

keith rolls his eyes. “obviously im lying lance. but if i had to get one... i dont know. i would want something personal. but i feel like i dont have enough pieces of my own life to pick something out yet.”

lance stares for a second. blinks. “keith, that is literally the saddest thing anyone has ever said to me. you arent waiting for your life to stumble back towards you! youre living your life right now. who you are right now is, well, who you are. and your life is what it is. even if youre not, i dont know, complete, youve still got to have things that are important to you.”

“yeah.” keith looks down at the table, folding a closed sugar packet. “i guess youre right.”

their pizza shows up. they dig in, and the conversation turns lighter. lance surprises himself by thinking how much hes enjoying spending time with keith. keith, of all people, makes lance happy. like he has any right to.

“alright,” keith says at last, his mouth sort of full. “it would be a massive cock over my heart.”

lance chokes. “KEITH.”

“because of how much i love cock, lance, you see, its whats most important to me-”

“WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS TO ME.”

keith breaks and starts laughing. “Shh youll get us kicked out!”

lance stifles his heart attack with great difficulty. because keith, who lance had the biggest hate-crush on in the history of hate-crushes, just told lance that he loves cock, and lance has one of those. and it is definitely getting the wrong idea from this conversation.

“i retract my question on the grounds that you are not taking this seriously,” says lance, blushing furiously.

keith nods. “thats fair.”

they recover quickly and finish their pizza. as theyre walking out, lance realizes that he really doesnt want their fun day together to end yet. he invites keith back to his house for video games or a movie or whatever, and hes sure hes going to be shut down. but keith, surprisingly, accepts.

halfway into the movie, keith breaks the stiff canal of distance lance placed between them on the couch to say, “lance. you know ive been hitting on you all day, right?”

lance chokes again even though there isnt anything in his mouth this time. “oh yeah?” he stammers. “well, m-maybe you’re so lousy at it i couldn’t even tell!” his voice sounds shrill. his face is burning. he cant look keith in the eyes.

“i thought that might be a possibility,” keith says coolly. “that’s why im telling you know: i have a crush on you, lance.”

“You cant just say stuff like that!” lance protests, waving his arms around defensively. “what am i supposed to say back to that?”

“hopefully, something like, ‘wow, me too, keith, today has been the most fun ever.’”

without looking at keith, lance slowly melts leftways on the couch, so he ends up pooled somewhere in keiths general area. “i had fun today,” he says. “i think youre hot. and nice. but thats all youre getting out of me.”

keith laughs, and lance decides he could stand to hear that again. all in all, not a bad day

#klance #laith #au #lance mcclain #keith kogane #keith x lance #klance au

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phangirlof · 7 years

Text

Exposed

Description: Sometimes the guys can’t keep secrets. Sometimes that’s okay.

Genre: Fluff, High School! AU

Pairing: Oh Sehun x reader

Word Count: 2,779

I’d been here at Baekhyun’s house for two hours, listening to the guys drone on and on about lame guy stuff. I didn’t quite know what they were talking about right now. I had tuned them all out awhile ago. It was me and four of the guys: Jongin, Chanyeol, Baek, and Kyungsoo. I loved them, but not enough to listen to them talk about… sports?

“But yo, when are tryouts?” I heard Chanyeol ask to no one in particular. Baekhyun answered almost immediately. “Next Thursday, but you have to have an updated physical and gear.” Chanyeol groaned. “That’s not even the best part. The gear has to be brand new. Literally fresh off the shelves and directly to the field or you practically won’t be allowed to tryout.” Baek’s statement made Chan groan louder. “Ugh, I hate tryout season. Like honestly, what’s wrong with the gear we already have? I literally replaced all my equipment last season. More importantly, what if we don’t even make the team. Then we have all this spanky new gear for nothing!” He ranted.

Kyungsoo spoke next. He didn’t speak often when they had conversations like this, but when he did it was good. “You suck at baseball, so you’re the only one that has to worry about that.” This made all the guys erupt into laughter, and even I broke out into a small giggle. Chan’s face turned red, partly from embarrassment. “Aye, leave him alone. At least he can make it to tryouts Mr.I’m-too-scared-to-tryout-for-basketball-so-I’m-just-gonna-hideout-in-the-library.” Kyungsoo gave Jongin a death glare. “That’s not what happened you doof. I had a stupid research paper to finish and the coaches made me go to the library to work on it.” Jongin cowered as Kyungsoo spoke. I didn’t know why though. Jongin was the only one that could get away with saying stuff like that it him. It was obvious that he had a soft spot for him. “Yeah, leave him alone guys. Besides, even if he could try out, he’s too short to make a basket.” Kyungsoo didn’t hesitate to jerk on a strand of Baekhyun’s hair as the guys burst into another bout of laughter. The digs the guys got on Kyungsoo was what usually got them the most riled up, mainly because it didn’t happen often seeing as how nobody wanted to get killed by one of his death stares.

I honestly couldn’t stand listening to them go on. “Can you guys not be so boring? I’m practically falling asleep.” All the guys looked at me with playful annoyance. “Did we ask you to speak?” Baekhyun asked, mocking a face of disgust. “Cause I don’t recall.”

“Aye, I don’t recall asking for permission to speak, not that I’d let any of you losers to grant me that right.”

The guys all let out in a chorus of “Ooooo.” Chanyeol was next to speak.“So sassy.” Baekhyun mumbled something under his breath right after him. I didn’t quite catch it all, but I caught some of it. “No wonder… on you…”

“Would you like to say that again Baek? Maybe a little louder?” I said, mocking a stern tone we’d all heard Baekhyun’s mother use with him. He was quite the sassafrass. He was constantly getting in trouble with his parents because he couldn’t stop himself from saying something sarcastic or snarky. He rolled eyes. “I SAID, NO WONDER OUR SASSY MAKNAE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!” He shouted even though we were all barely two feet away from each other. “Smartass.” I huffed crossing my arms. The guys got back into their previous conversation. I snatched my phone up from its place on the table behind us. I started mindlessly scrolling through social media. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular, I just wanted something to prevent me from going completely insane while the guys talked about… hockey?

I grabbed one of the cups off the table, and took a big gulp of the fizzy soda. No wonder our sassy maknae likes you. Baekhyun’s words from earlier popped back into my mind causing me to spit my drink out. It flew from my mouth and straight from my nostrils too. “Eww Y/n, what the fuck?” Chanyeol squealed. For someone so manly, he sure did squeal and scream alot. “sEHUN LIKES ME?!?!” Chanyeol nodded. He and Jongin started wiping the soda off the table, Baekhyun was drying himself off, and Kyungsoo had moved to the other side of the room. He’d just barely avoided getting soda spit on him because he had gotten up to fix himself more drink at the same time soda was spewing from my nose.

“He’s had feelings for you since like practically day one.” Jongin said just as he finished wiping off the table. “Yeah.” Baekhyun agreed. “It’s so obvious too. He’s always drooling over you when we’re all together.” My jaw dropped. There was no way in hell, Sehun, of all people, liked me. I had a major crush on him, and the universe was never ever kind enough to let your crush reciprocate feelings. I got a rag from the laundry room, wet it, and made sure the table was clean. Once I was done, I threw the rag back at Baekhyun for him to put it where it goes. Anytime any of us tried to help him straighten up the place he got upset.

“You guys can’t be serious.” I said. The guys loved to joke around, so I wholeheartedly believed this was another one of their pranks. “You should see the way he looks at you.” Kyungsoo stated, making his way back to the table once he was sure it was clean. “And when you’re not around, we can never get him to shut up about you. Y/n, this. Y/n, that. Makes me wanna slap the kid sometimes.” Jongin added. Something in me still didn’t quite believe them, but regardless I spilled my own feelings to them. “Well, I sorta maybe have feelings for him too.” I whispered, covering my face as soon as the words had left my lips.

“OH MY GOD! WE CAN SET YOU TWO UP!” Baekhyun screamed, jumping up and down in the process. Matchmaker, one of his favorite things to do. “No! He doesn’t know.” I said, feeling my face heat up. I knew exactly how the guys were, now that we were on this topic it would be awhile before we were on to something else. “You didn’t know how he felt about you, but look at you now.” Chanyeol said, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders as if this wasn’t sort of big deal. “Bye Yeollie, that’s different.” I whined, I was way too chicken to tell Sehun about my tiny, huge, crush on him. “Honestly, I’m content with him never knowing.” Before I had the chance to say anything else, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from Jongdae.

From Dae: Okay but like dont hate me

From Dae: butttttttttttttttttt

From Dae: Something may or may not have slipped…

“I say you just waltz up to him and tell him how you feel.” Jongin suggested from his seat across from me at the table. “Jongin, that’s lame.” I said, quickly replying to the ominous text message I’d just received.

To Dae: Explain

“Or you could have one of us tell him, like me for example?” Baekhyun said, I was looking at him, but I could tell he was wearing the biggest grin of his life. “You only want to do it because you like being in other people’s business.” His first reply was a scoff. “Not true, I enjoy being kind and helping others around me.”

From Dae: SOOOO likeeeee

From Dae: I love you Y/n, you know that right??

I was starting to get impatient. What had he done this time? “Text him.” “Call him.” “Meet up with him. “Send him a letter.” “Send him an email.” “Send him a snapchat.” “Post in on Instagram.” “Slide in his DM’s.” The guys just starting shouting out suggestions. I couldn’t help but giggle as some of the options started to get ridiculous.

From Dae: Hunnie knows you like him

From Dae: dont kill me pls

I screamed as I typed out my reply. Jongdae was one of the first, and for a while the only, people to know about my crush on Sehun. The other was Yixing.

To Dae: HWO DOES SOEMTHIN LIKE THAT JUSST SLIP?!?!???!!??! >

To Dae: UGH im so gonna punch you next time I see you

To Dae: ur such a punk, i hate you

I didn’t notice, but the guys, all except for Baekhyun who moved to the other room to take a phone call, had moved behind me to peek over my shoulder. They were reading my messages. “Whelp, looks like you don’t even gotta worry about telling him now.” Chanyeol laughed, ruffling my hair, something he knew I hated with a passion. I punched his shoulder for revenge. “Leave me alone you crusty heathen.” I said, pushing the red haired giant away from me. He stumbled, and hit his side on the kitchen counter. I could tell the blow to his hip hurt, Chanyeol burst into a fit of giggles. He was so odd.

“Hey guys,” Baekhyun said. He tossed his phone back on the table, where it was pre-phone call. “Sehun and the others are coming over. Also what do you guys want to eat.” The four shouted food suggestions at Baekhyun. I didn’t understand how he understood all the clamour, but I was more focused on the fact that Sehun would be here any minute

From Dae: i luv you tho :’(

From Dae: Also we’re coming to Baek’s

Hearing the fact again made me scream.

To Dae: I KNOW

I pretty much continued screaming even though about thirty minutes had passed. I screamed even more when I heard a knock on the door. Luckily it only turned out to be the pizza we had ordered. We were supposed to wait for everyone to get here, but I was so anxious it was making me hungry. I ended up scarfing down close to a whole pizza by myself.

We always get like five orders of breadsticks, and I ate about one and a half of those. They weren’t even that good, but I was so nervous to see Sehun I couldn’t stop myself. I actually began pacing around the room as we awaited the other guys’ arrival. I was shook beyond belief. How was he gonna react? What was he gonna say? Was he even going to talk to me? Was everything going to be awkward the rest of the night? I didn’t know what to do, so when another knock came to the door I ended up screaming once more and hiding in Baekhyun’s room. I could hear Chanyeol laugh at me as I did so, but I didn’t care.

To Dae: Meet me in Baekhyun’s room ASAP

I assumed he got my message when about ten minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I had locked it just in case. “Open up!” He shouted through the door. I hurriedly unlocked it and went back to pacing. “Jongdae, I can barely breathe!” I uttered, my nerves causing my hands to start shaking. “Is that so?” I expected to hear Jongdae’s voice, but instead I was met with that of Sehun’s much deeper one. “WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?!?!” I screamed for the umpteenth time today. “The guys pushed me in here and said they wouldn’t let me out until we talked, so here I am.” I didn’t know what to do or say. Literally the only thing I could think to do was scream. But that was off the table considering I didn’t think the guys wanted to hear me do that again.

le boyz gc: I hate all of you

Eventually Sehun broke the silence which was different seeing as how besides Kyungsoo, he was the quietest out of all the guys.

“How long have you liked me?”

I almost choked because of his boldness. I mean leave it to Sehun to get straight to the point. “What do you mean?” I laughed nervously. “I’ve never liked you.” I’ve liked you since middle school.

“Don’t lie to me.” He said casually, moving from leaning against the bedroom door to sitting on Baekhyun’s bed. “Jongdae told me you’ve had a crush on me for a while now.” I mentally cursed Jongdae. Remind me not to tell any of the guys if I ever develop a crush on literally ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

.“For the record, I’ve liked you since that first time we all hung out at Chanyeol’s place.” I tried thinking back to the first time we ever went to Chan’s house. It was quite hard to manage seeing as how we’re always either at his or Baekhyun’s house. “What’s so special about us hanging out that one time?” I asked, trying to avert from the subject of me liking him. “I don’t know really.” He started. He stopped looking at me, and focused all his attention on his twiddling thumbs. “Just something about you struck out to me. It made me what to get to know you better.” “Are you glad you did?” I asked in a small voice. Sehun nodded vigorously. “It was the best decision I ever made to be honest.”

I could feel a warmth course through my body at his words. Now I have to tell him. I took a deep breath and finally spilled the truth. “I’ve had a crush on you since before high school. And ever since then just the thought of you makes me happy beyond belief.” I puffed, still not wanting to admit my true feelings for him. I looked over at Sehun. His entire face was lit up in result of what I’d told him. But he went from beaming to smirking in two seconds flat. He sat up off the bed, and stood about a foot away from me. “See how easy that was.” I punched his arm, causing him to start laughing. “Leave me alone.” After those words, he pulled me into a tight hug. I buried my head in his chest. I was able to get a whiff of his cologne, it was strong but not too overbearing. It was pleasant, but at the same time it was a savory scent. I didn’t want him to let go anytime soon, however we jumped away from each other as we heard Baekhyun yell “THEY BETTER NOT BE HAVING SEX IN MY ROOM, ON MY BED!!” and the door swing open.

The guys piled into the doorway. “Ew, look at the lovebirds.” Minseok teased from the front of the huddle. His words caused both Sehun and I to turn bright red from embarrassment. “I bet they were making out.” Chanyeol butted in, sticking his head farther into the room. “Shut up Chan!” I said, covering up my face as it got even brighter.

“Come on guys, pizza’s getting cold and we’re about to put on a movie.” Junmyeon said. I gave him an understanding nod. I went to speak, but before I could Jongin interrupted me. “Oh Y/n’s not hungry. She practically ate like three pizzas before you guys got here. Sehun had her super stressed out.” Everyone broke out into laughter, causing all my embarrassment levels to skyrocket. I buried my face in my hands, so no one would see just how red my face was getting. “It was more like one, let me live.” I pouted. Sehun wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me closer to him. “It’s okay babe.” He whispered in my ear. I ended up smiling like an idiot at his words. The guy I like just called me babe. What a world!

“Stop being gross, you’ve been together for like five seconds.” Baekhyun said, wearing an over exaggerated look of disgust. I couldn’t help but shake my head at him. We hadn’t talked about us actually dating yet. “Hey you guys, we should choose tonight’s movies carefully. The two love birds might get a little risky throughout them.” Kyungsoo said from the middle of the crowd of guys. This time Sehun and I joined in on the guy’s laughter. One by one, everyone eventually turned around and left the bedroom. Sehun and I exited the room, his arm still draped around my shoulder. Before we got into the living room, he placed a kiss on my forehead. Maybe we weren’t together just yet, but I could definitely get used to this.

Masterlist

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suckit-aynrand · 7 years

Text

wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication?

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....

#my post #textpost #this is just a super long in depth story of my first #quote en quote relationship #and how lost and shitty and confused i feel about it #if anyone has any ideas or intuitions about what the fuck happened please let me know id appreciate it greatly

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

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adambstingus · 6 years

Text

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily��s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178602825797

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