#im literally so gay for these two for the past week and the obsession is only growing more and more | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

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Ok imma be honest, this chapter moved me to tears and not the sad sobbing but the more inspiring kind. This chapter means the world.

She had told them her dreams were about ducks – since there were the only equally horrible thing she could think of.

Uncle Magnus had given her an odd look then, as if he knew she was bullshitting them. But he hadn’t said anything.

DUCKS AREN'T THAT BAD! HAVE Y'ALL EVER BEEN CHASED BY A GOAT?? I WAS CONVINCED I WAS GONNA DIE

Lexi would be royally pissed if this turned out to be some stupid pointless dream.

YUP

Even though she was only 7 minutes older than Lexi, Selena always acted like she was 7 years older.

That's so cute though

People looked at her pastel-coloured aesthetic immediately assumed she was the soft and sweet Fairchild twin. People saw Selena in her red leather jacket and thigh high boots and assumed she was in the infamous troublesome Herondale twin.

SMH THE DAMN STEREOTYPES

Why Selena hadn’t killed her in her sleep yet, Lexi doesn’t know.

BYE THAT'S EVERY SIBLING RELATIONSHIP EVER

The meals at the Academy were to die for – quite literally. Last week two students from the warlock fraction had almost killed each other over a blueberry muffin.

Oh how times change...they will never know the dreaded soup

NO ANJALI HAS BEEN GONE FOR OVER A YEAR???

IS JAIME OK?? PLEASE BE OK! HE CAN LIVE WITH TREATMENT SO I REALLY HOPE HE'S OK

Selena’s was Idris of course. She was kind of obsessed with it.

Max loved the shadow markets. Lexi thought they were very cool too.

Rafael loved his father’s office – which was weird. There was nothing to do in that room other than ponder about shadow world problems. Besides, the place still weirdly smelled like the tangerine perfume Anjali wore, even though the girl had left New York almost a year ago.

David loved the New York Institute – especially the library.

Gigi of course loved the dining halls.

Dining halls, kitchens, food trucks, vending machines - if a place had food with it, Gigi loved it.

It's so amazing how they all have their favorite places...(same David same)

“You’re supposed to pour the syrup on the pancakes not into your mouth,” Lexi chuckled as she sat down next to her.

“It ends up in my mouth anyway,” Gigi shrugged.

True enough.

AWW ROMAN MAKING GIGI PLAYLISTS!!

Someone make me a playlist.

“His parents fell in love in Rome when they were in Rome,” Gigi pointed out even though Lexi already knew. “I think it’s actually romantic.”

I had forgotten that-

Roman was nice. But not nice enough for Georgia. Lexi didn’t think there was anyone good enough for her parabatai – who was the most perfect person in the world.

Me @ anyone who tries to make a move at my best friend.

AWW GEORGIA LIKES HIM TOO!!

When's the wedding?

(you're telling me you didn't believe you were gonna marry your childhood crush? Liar)

“I like being his friend,” Georgia said. “I like spending time with him and all of that. But I don’t know if I like him…in that way. I feel like I need more time.”

Demiromantic??? YES GIVE US THE REP

Lexi sometimes thought life would be so much simpler if the world was full of women and everyone was a lesbian.

Ikr?? Life would be so much easier.

Lexi says Roman is too-nice-sus

Well well well

The kind of love that cheated death.

The kind of love that sustained memory spells put by princes of hell.

The kind of love that changed the world.

Trust me all of our standards are very high

Lexi successfully survived the class without falling asleep.

Me during English.

Ok who's the blond?

Lexi I thought we weren't gonna fall this soon-

Oh the girl's straight...sigh we've all been there.

which meant they had to hold hands. Kinda.

Lexi was a little scared of that.

Me.

Goddamnit, Alexandra. Get your gay together!

THAT'S SO RELATABLE LIKE?? YES

OH MY GOD IT'S EMMA AND JULIAN'S DAUGHTER GEIDIDHDOHDJSKSJSKGXJDHSODHKDGDDGDJHDJDGDJDGJDHD

Lexi knew Olivia liked boys. She hadn’t dated anyone officially of course. All the boys were kind of terrified of her father.

She could be bi or pan or omni. WE GOTTA HAVE HOPE

vegetable loaf... David I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Lexi then decided not to do any of her homework over the weekend because she was not coming back to the academy. She was not going to survive the sleepover and whatever else Olivia had in mind.

Bestie...why is this me when I make eye contact with my crush.

“Good stuff?” Max snorted. “Rafe literally ran away from home cause shit got too intense.”

“I didn’t run away!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Stop telling people that!”

“But you have rumours and shadowhunters getting thrown into silent city and cohort drama and all that exciting stuff!” Liv pointed out.

I-

Liv-

True though.

“Wasn’t there a serial killer when your parents were young?” David asked.

“And didn’t your uncle do necromancy?” Max said biting into a chicken wing.

True and true

“Sorry, Chouchou!” Lexi winced. “I, uh, sensed a mosquitoe on your leg.”

“Girl, your angel powers are weird as fuck,” Max laughed.

MAX LANGUAGE

“I don’t know,” the girl shrugged and threw her a wink. “I wouldn’t put anything past Lexi.”

Lexi looked at Gigi. She was one more compliment away from screaming.

But Gigi of course knew her struggle and therefore quickly stuffed a bread roll into Lexi’s mouth.

I need someone to stuff bread into my mouth when things get like this

There were rumours about David – and how Daddy had an affair. Lexi was yet to find those asshats and shove a witch light down their throats.

When you find them lemme know too.

“Or maybe it’s because you don’t need rumours be interesting,” David pointed out.

Max turned around, looking surprised at that. His cheeks turned purple. Lexi didn’t know why he was surprised. David only ever spoke fondly of Max.

JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY OH MY GOD

“Oh. Oh! I did hear something a long time ago!” Gigi said suddenly. “Olly, is it true you were conceived at the beach?”

“Georgia, you can’t just ask people where they were conceived!” David sounded horrified.

That is very much possible.

“I heard you were conceived in hell?”

“Oh my god,” Selena looked horrified. “That’s not true! It must have been about Max!”

“Y’all I am adopted!” Max was shaking with laughter and then stopped. “Although our dads could have definitely had sex in hell. I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Oh yes. Both clace and malec.

Then they had of course continued to discuss that cursed topic until Rafael had threatened to tell the Consul about it.

LMAO

Lexi turned around and saw Liv waiting for her. Nope. She wasn’t going to talk a walk – a fucking stroll! – with Olivia all on her own.

“You are coming back to the institute with me or I will un-parabatai you.”

You know there being an un-parabatai ceremony would solve a lot of shit

What if their hands accidentally grazed or something? That shit was lethal.

RIGHT????

She is just trying to be nice. That’s what friends do. They are nice. And they give each other pretty dresses and say they would like to see them in it.

Honey that's gay.

EVERYONE ASKING HER OUT IM DEAD

Selena: Ugh boys

Selena: When I win back Idris, we are leaving all the men behind.

Lexi: Except Magnus? Lol.

Selena: Obviously.

Is that even a question Lexi? Duh.

ALEC LIGHTWOOD THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT? THE SHAME!

OH MY GOD IM CACKLING

Not everyone can kiss their partner in the Accords Hall. Some people didn’t have access to the Accords Hall.

And most important, some people didn’t have partners!

We're getting a lexi and Alec talk someone hold me

“I’m going to tell you something,” Uncle Alec said. “It might sound simple. It might sound ridiculous. But it’s the truth. So, you must believe me. Can you do that?”

Lexi gave him a small nod.

“It doesn’t matter what other people think,” Uncle Alec said. “Not when it comes to your future. Not when it comes to your identity. They don’t get to have a say in who you are and why you are the way you are.”

Lexi bit her lip.

“Alexandra, people will always tell what to do. But you shouldn’t let them. Never let anyone tell you what to do with your heart or your body. Neither belongs them. It only belongs to you.”

THIS RIGHT HERE MADE ME START CRYING BECAUSE DAMN YES!

“Yep,” she groaned and then hesitated for a moment. “Uncle Alec…Can I ask you something stupid?”

“Can I say no?”

“No.”

“Then go ahead.”

I love her so much

“I feel…I feel it’s something we have to bear, Alexandra. The fear of rejection. It’s something we have to accept as an inevitable part of our lives. Because no matter how much love we have around us, we will always be afraid of people not loving us – simply because of who we are.”

Yeah...

“Besides, they named you after me,” he pointed out. “I don’t know what else they expected.”

EXACTLY! Did they really expect a straight child after naming them after Alec?

“I do like shouting,” Lexi wondered out loud. “That’s good advice.”

“I didn’t mean it literally!” Uncle Alec looked alarmed.

“No, it makes total sense!” Lexi grinned. “Some of these people can be tone deaf. Gotta shout it out. Loud and clear. Awesome advice! Thanks, Uncle Alec!”

DO IT

“Hey, Lexi. I was wonderin-”

“MOVE, I’M GAY!” she yelled as she shoved him aside and kept on running.

ABSOLUTELY ICONIC

“I prefer she/her,” Lexi answered. "But sometimes I prefer she/they. But you can use she/her because some of y'all already shit at grammar."

That's exactly what I tell people when they ask for my pronouns. Istg people are shit at grammar.

alright girl im here to give you a lecture on how someone's dressing doesn't describe their sexuality

OH MY MY GOD THERE WAS A GENDER AND SEXUALITY CLASS IN THE ACADEMY ARE THEY RECRUITING???

One of the boys who had complimented cleared his throat. “So, uh, you don’t like boys?”

“That’s literally what I said,” Lexi rolled her eyes. “I’m gay. I’m very gay. I’m gayer than the Consul. Okay fine, that’s not true. No one gayer than the Consul. But I’m still pretty gay.”

Does the boy have hearing problems?

ALSO YES NO ONE'S GAYER THAN THE CONSUL

“Sexual orientation and gender expression are two different things,” she explained now, remember what Uncle Magnus had taught them. “Sexual orientation refers to who I am sexually and romantically attracted to. Gender expression is how I want to express my gender identity. Those two are not connected. Just because a woman wears feminine clothes it doesn’t mean she is straight. Just because a man embraces femininity, it doesn’t make him gay either. Does that make sense?”

“Ohhh,” the girl nodded. “Yes, it does. Thank you!”

“What I wear does not reflect who I like. It reflects who I am and what I like to wear,” Lexi explained. “And regardless of my sexuality, I like pretty things.”

Exactly.

“This doesn’t change anything. I hope you know that,” he told her. “I mean I have to change the pronouns in my shovel talk. But that’s not a big deal.”

Awwww

Also – my good friend Raziel told me that homophobia is a sin.”

“You mean homosexuality is a sin?” an older man asked.

“No, homophobia is a sin,” Lexi repeated. “That’s what Raziel said.”

“But that’s not-”

Someone cleared their throat. When he spoke, it was in the Consul Voice.

“Are you saying know better than Raziel?” the Consul asked.

Listen to Raziel you dumb shit

“Sure. Let me just call the Lesbian Alliance,” Lexi rolled her eyes.

Ugh I wish

OH NO NO NO NOT THE FAKE DATING. JUST CONFESS AND DATE FOR REAL

“Alexandra, I have a fucking undercut and I have pink highlights and I cuff my jeans and I literally walk around with a sword and I can quote Lady Gaga to perfection! Why would you ever think I was straight??”

Lexi your gaydar is broken bestie.

Don't do this omg this is gonna be a mess

Gigi: THIS IS A BAD IDEA. ABORT! ABORT!

Lexi: Relaaaax. It’s going to be fine!

Gigi: I’ve read enough fanfiction to know the fake dating trope never ends well!

Lexi: I’ve told you to include the ‘angst with happy ending’ tag!

LMAO

Also Gigi which fanfiction do you read?

Jace omg...

That's so him though.

“How about my peeps? It sounds very hip.”

“It does not,” Lexi replied. “Please don’t refer to us as your peeps under any circumstance."

IM SCREAMING ASHSKHSIDBSHSHDH

Her father chuckled at that. “Sweetheart, you’re a Herondale. Being problematic is what we do.”

EXACTLY

Daddy opened the notebook again. “I need names.”

Grabs flamethrower names

“Besides, the Lightwoods and Blackthorns have been hogging the gay genes for too long. Now it’s our turn. I say you gay it up.”

“Gay it up?” Lexi laughed.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Go for the highest possible level of gay.”

DO IT

He blinked for a second and then it hit him. “OH MY GOD YES! DOES EMMA KNOW??”

Lexi laughed. Yeah, he can never find out it was a fake dating situation.

Hopefully he won't have to because it won't be fake :D

“To love is a privilege and to be loved is a blessing.”

THE GROWTH OH MY GOD

This chapter literally means so much to me. I don't even know what to say. I hope I too can one day have the courage to shout it in front of everyone and not be scared. See ya on Tuesday!

It means so much to me that this chapter meant a lot to you. I hope you find all the courage, strength and support you need. You are amazing.

And here. I made you a playlist.

You can find it here on YouTube. I hope you like it :)

#lbaf

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dxmagedrose · 4 years

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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!

Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!

PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;

FIRST NAME Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it.

Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now! [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore. even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye. i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her. ( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???

A FOOD YOU HATE barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!

GUILTY PLEASURE the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way.

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all.

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN FLYPAPER. F L Y P A P E R. FLYPAPER. FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street. roast me.

FAVORITE BOOK White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani. I am but a simple opossum.

PIE OR CAKE Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.

FAVORITE SCENT my dogs / my blanket. :’) It’s the most grounding smell in the world.

CELEBRITY CRUSH oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I—— I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!! take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.

IPHONE OR ANDROID I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies

DREAM JOB Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT… the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER Supernatural :-)

… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //

#||: && the mundane ( ooc );#( get to know a bitch!! )#( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )

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sawyersick · 4 years

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all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope!

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick” and then the sparkly heart emoji five times

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope!

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I’m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

nope 77. Do you have a job?

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor 78. What are your initials?

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope! I’m a weenie 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?

no I’m a virgin 94. Are you single or in a relationship?

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

the day after the fourth of July 97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

yeah one from the ring I wear every day and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

#long post #ask #bumbleberrybee

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danfanciesphil · 6 years

Text

Give Me A Try (New Chapter)

Gay Instagram Model/Bartender Phan AU Part 3

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Read on Ao3!)

Dan’s in the middle of his break, scrolling through his phone, when a text notification appears at the top of his screen. He drops his bagel into his lap, cursing.

The text is from Phil. He doesn’t know any other Phil’s, so it has to be AmazingPhil, texting him, inexplicably.

He clicks the notification, eyes wide, simultaneously scooping up the bagel bits that have fallen onto his knees.

From: Phil To: Dan im in makeup for a weird photoshoot for some korean clothing brand and they just put loads of silver goo in my hair to make it chromey

As Dan is reading the message, searching between the lines for a reason Phil might be telling him this information, another text pings through.

From: Phil To: Dan whoops, i kinda meant to send that to PJ. but hey, if you’re interested, here’s a pic of me with ‘Kpop Idol Silver Hair Paste’ in lol xx

From: Phil To: Dan [image]

The phone slips from Dan’s fingers, clattering through his legs to the floor of the staff room. Phil has sent him a selfie. An un-edited, un-Instagrammed photo of his breathtaking face, up close. Sure, there’s a weird silvery goop in his usually raven hair, but still. Gingerly, Dan retrieves the phone, a small, strangled sound escaping from his throat as he surveys the image in front of him.

It makes a little more sense now that Phil has informed him that he had actually mistakenly texted the original message, but did the guy really have to follow up with a photo? He must, surely, be aware of Dan’s crush. He witnessed the brunt of Dan’s obsessive stalking in person on his phone, after all.

Bagel entirely forgotten, Dan just stares down into the pixelated blue of Phil Lester’s eyes, wondering how to respond, and if he even should. Deciding eventually that it would be rude not to, Dan shakily types out something he hopes is vaguely witty.

From: Dan To: Phil hahaha wow :’) kpop? more like kpoop. (it looks like bird poop, sorry dude.) x

From: Phil To: Dan hahaha it does ur so right. and if you think thats bad you should see the outfits… xx

Settling back into his chair, Dan bites his lip. As he thinks of a potential response, his eyes wander over to the spot, just to the right of him, where he and Phil had stood not long ago, when it had seemed like maybe, possibly, Phil might’ve…

But obviously that’s absurd.

Dan’s wishful thinking had clearly driven him to the point of hallucination, because the very notion that Phil Lester, AmazingPhil, the famous Instagram model, would ever have looked at Dan as anything more than a random bartender, is laughable.

Dan sighs to himself, then smirks. Well, just because he has no chance, doesn’t mean he can’t utilise his semi-connection to the celebrity to get some behind-the-scenes footage of his fave.

From: Dan To: Phil well now i have to see x

There’s a noticeable pause, and Dan wonders, panicking vaguely, if he may have pushed too far. Is it a little much to ask this of Phil? Maybe he just won’t respond, and Dan will have to quit his job forever, or maybe just spend his shifts on red alert that Phil will wander into the bar, and hide from him if he does-

He texts back.

From: Phil To: Dan [image]

From: Phil To: Dan hot, right? xx

For two long, uninterrupted minutes, Dan is frozen. Then, he lets out a muffled groan of frustration. The photo Phil sent is a full body shot taken by someone else; he’s dressed in an asymmetrical long white t-shirt with several long rips through the chest, some bright pink camouflage trousers, and a shiny silver puffer jacket with a black fur-lined hood. The outfit is a complete disaster, but it doesn’t matter in the slightest. His chest is visible through the slits in the tee; having seen it twice now IRL, Dan is drawn to the slivers he can see. The trousers make his eyes pop, and the jacket matches the silver streaked through his hair.

His pose is casual, feet apart, smirking at the camera, with his hands gesturing to his body as if to say ‘see what i mean?’. If he’d posted this on his Instagram, Dan gets the feeling he’d have saved it to his camera roll anyway, maybe even made it his phone background.

Dan’s done that with a few of his favourite photos of Phil in the past. He won’t even dwell on the time when Phil posted a photo of himself in the bath and Dan, in a semi-sleep-deprived fit of insanity, printed the photo out and stuck it on his wall.

Tyler came over once, weeks later, saw the photo taped above Dan’s bed, and tore the thing down. He’d told Dan, quite rightly, to stop being such a creep and keep his crazed obsessive behaviour to social media like everyone else.

“Who even has physical photos these days?? You’re like a fucking serial killer!”

Dan chuckles at this memory. He’s glad for Tyler, sometimes, even if he’s only good for keeping Dan’s stalkerish behaviour within the realms of normalcy.

Belatedly, he realises it’s been over five minutes and he still hasn’t responded to Phil. Also, his break is close to being over.

From: Dan To: Phil woww. please, phil of the future, tell me what life is like in 2087 x

From: Phil To: Dan stawwp. i keep laughing out loud at what ur saying and now the designer is sending me death glares :’’’D xx

Trying hard to ignore the fact that his dorky jokes are apparently literally making Phil ‘lol’, Dan checks the time, and sighs, typing out another message.

From: Dan To: Phil is the designer a martian? or maybe secretly one of those reptile-people? maybe skin him just to be safe. also my break is over so i gtg. have fun on set of NASA’s moonlanding recreation x

From: Phil To: Dan aww ur at work too? that sux. i forgot that u work at night lol. hope u stay dry this evening ;) xx

From: Dan To: Phil speaking of… why are u at work? isnt it kind of late for a photoshoot? x

From: Phil To: Dan well its 8am here so no haha xx

From: Dan To: Phil where are you? x

From: Phil To: Dan seoul :) hence the… unusual fashion lol xx

Dan’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. He stands from his chair, throws his half eaten bagel in the trash, and looks around himself. He’s in the staff room - a small, dusty space with a row of falling apart lockers, a couple of chairs and a small table. There’s a hook on the wall which holds a load of unused aprons, and a rusty heater for when it’s especially cold.

He’s about to go back out to serve a load of rowdy customers some overpriced cocktails, then mop a dancefloor sticky with sweat, alcohol, and whatever other liquids might have found their way there. Then, he’s going to go back to his crummy flat way across in Kemptown, unfold his sofabed, and fall asleep to Netflix.

Phil, on the other side of the world in Korea, is having his hair, makeup and wardrobe done by professionals. He’s being treated like a celebrity, no doubt, and pampered excessively. Later, he’ll receive high-definition, professional photographs of himself looking gorgeous, and post them to his Instagram, where millions of people will tell him how stunning he looks.

Dan sighs to himself. How the other half lives.

The following day, Dan wakes up to find that Phil has updated his Instagram story, and posted the photo with the silver goo in his hair. The same one he’d sent to Dan. The caption reads:

Not sure silver hair was a good idea! The designer was going for Kpop, but ended up with Kpoop… can’t wait to show you guys the photos from this shoot! xx

Two things cross Dan’s mind.

First, Dan can now officially state that he had a sneak-peek at an official AmazingPhil photo before it was posted.

Second, the bitch totally stole his joke.

He smiles to himself ruefully, then decides to leave a comment. There’s no way that Phil will even see it - he’s never seen any of Dan’s others, or at least Dan sincerely hopes he hasn’t, as they’re mostly things like ‘choke me’ or ‘slap me round the face with your yaoi hands dad’.

Okay, maybe he tends to leave those sorts of comments when he’s less than sober.

This time, Dan just taps out a simple:

danisnotonfire: joke stealing is a low form of theft phil smh ;)

Still smiling to himself, Dan rolls over onto his side, and settles in to watch Phil’s story. The stories are usually long, silly, and full of adorable clips of Phil being clumsy and cute. As expected, this one is no exception. It’s a tour of Phil’s hotel room in Seoul, which is very posh.

Phil exclaims over the origami hand towels on his bed, the robe provided for him in the wardrobe, and the multiple options on the ‘disco shower’ as he calls it. Just as Dan is marvelling at the panoramic shot Phil has filmed of his view from the balcony, a notification pings at the top of his screen.

amazingphil replied to your comment: joke stealing is…

Dan sits bolt upright in bed, the sheets falling off him. He runs a hand through his messy hair, eyes wide. He clicks the notification before it disappears, heart pounding.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Dan hadn’t intended for him to actually see. What if Phil thinks he’s being rude? He doesn’t actually mind Phil stealing his stupid joke about the hair goo. It’s an honour, if anything, that Phil finds his dumb joke good enough to post as a caption millions of people will read.

Heart thrumming, Dan finds the response Phil left.

danisnotonfire: joke stealing is a low form of theft phil smh ;)

amazingphil: @danisnotonfire aha i was kinda hoping you wouldn’t see ;D

Another notification pings at the top of his screen.

amazingphil started following you

“Holy shit,” Dan says to nobody.

amazingphil liked your photo

“Fuck,” Dan squeaks, clutching his pillow for support. “Stop it Phil, I’m gonna have a heart attack.”

Curious, Dan clicks the last notification, wondering which photo it was that Phil pressed the little heart for. To his surprise, it’s a selfie, one he took at work around a month ago. He took it during a lull between serving, if he remembers correctly. The lighting hadn’t been awful when he was doing his hourly fringe check in his phone camera, so he’d snapped a pic. It’s nothing special, just a moody expression and a wash of pink lighting across one half of his face.

amazingphil commented on your photo

amazingphil: nice pout ;) xx

Dan falls back into the pillows, mind obliterating itself into a thousand, tiny pieces.

Over the next few weeks, Dan has several text conversations with Phil. They’re usually started by Phil himself, who will - out of what Dan assumes is boredom - sometimes send him a random meme, a musing about his surroundings, or a selfie. For obvious reasons, Dan prefers the latter.

No matter how many times Phil reaches out via text, the surreality of it never fails to send Dan’s mind freewheeling. It always knocks the wind out of his lungs, it always makes him stop dead in his tracks, and it always leaves him struggling to recover for the next few hours. Whenever this happens at work, Tyler never fails to tease him mercilessly.

“Whoops! Please excuse him, sir, his mind has been blended by a single text from his crush,” Tyler tells a customer the fifth time Dan drops a glass behind the bar.

Dan scowls at his friend, but doesn’t try to defend himself. It’s true, after all. One text from Phil has him behaving like a moron. He becomes physically inept, unable to make the simplest drink.

One night, after the bar has closed, Dan and Tyler are cleaning up.

“So when’s he gonna stop torturing you over text and come sweep you off your beer-drenched tootsies?”

Dan rolls his eyes at this. “He’s not, Ty. He’s a rich and famous superstar, and I’m clearing up puke for the third day in a row.”

Dan wrinkles his nose as he continues mopping up the patch of vomit. He’s suspicious at this point; three days in a row is unusual. Is the same person coming in each night and spewing their guts all over the dance floor out of spite? Perhaps it’s some sort of hate crime.

“It’s like a Cinderella story!” Ty exclaims, pirouetting around his broom. “Except it’s gay, which makes it even better.”

Dan scoffs at him. “I’m pretty sure fairytales don’t involve stalking someone over social media and having them find out. He’s just taking pity on me because he saw that first night that I’m a fan.” Dan dunks the mop back in the bucket, turning to Tyler. “Besides, I’m pretty sure he has a boyfriend.”

Tyler sucks in a scandalised breath. “What! Who?”

Dragging the mop back to the supply closet, Dan laughs. “Remember the drunk guy he came with? The one who gave me a lovely Rainforest shower?”

“Him?”

Dan sighs, locks the cupboard, and nods. He digs into his pocket for his phone, and brings it over to show Tyler the photo of Phil and Charlie kissing. Matt, the security guard wanders over to see as well, letting out a low whistle.

“He’s a nonce if he thinks that guy’s behaviour was attractive,” Matt says. “He puked ‘soon as I got him out the door that night. All over the pavement.”

Dan looks at Matt, tilting his head in interest. “He did?”

Tyler plucks the phone out of Dan’s hand, zooming into the photo to have a better look, a frown on his face.

“Yep, your friend there came out, called him an Uber and sent him off,” Matt says. “Doubt pukey there would’ve made it home without him.”

“Nice guy,” Dan mutters, cheeks warm.

“This is staged,” Tyler announces abruptly.

“What?”

“Look,” he says, bringing the phone back over for Dan to see.

He zooms in on the crux of the kiss, right onto Phil’s face. Dan grimaces.

“Ty, I don’t want to see-”

“Shut up and look at his face,” Tyler interrupts, grabbing Dan’s chin and angling it towards the phone. “See how his lips are puckered? All stiff and pointed, like he’s kissing his grandma. And his eyes are open.”

“He’s looking at the camera!”

“Nah, Tyler’s right mate,” Matt says. The gum he’s chewing is making gross squishy sounds right in Dan’s ear as he leans over to look. “He looks awkward as hell.”

Dan narrows his eyes at the photo, trying to see what the others see.

“Besides, didn’t you say he hated that guy?” Tyler asks, clicking off the photo.

Dan tuts, snatching his phone back. “Well, apparently he was just being nice to compensate for the fact his kissing buddy covered me in sugary cocktail.”

He makes the smart decision to step away from this preposterous conversation before he does something stupid. Like allow either of these morons to give him hope that Phil is actually single.

Not that Phil being single would even matter.

“Or he was making it clear that he’s available!” Tyler calls after him as Dan stalks over to the staff room. “He whipped his shirt off for you twice and gave you his number. Do you think he’d do that if he had a boyfriend?”

“Drop it, Ty!” Dan calls back, shutting the staff room door behind him.

He will not let himself fall into the trap of daring to believe he could get someone as gorgeous, as hilarious, as pure and… amazing, as Phil Lester.

He won’t.

This is a good philosophy, in theory.

In practise, it turns out to be a lot more difficult. Dan finds this out to his cost when Phil strolls into Habenero the following Friday with Charlie Hickory at his side. Dan’s stomach sinks as soon as he sees the pair, the butterflies that appear each time Phil so much as acknowledges exploding into dust the moment he registers who Phil is here with.

Phil makes a beeline for the bar, a big smile on his face as he sees Dan. Warily, Dan smiles back, very aware that he is not exactly Charlie’s biggest fan.

“Dan!” Phil sings, chipper as ever.

Blushing already, Dan waves an awkward hand. He will never, he’s sure, get used to hearing his name on Phil Lester’s lips. “Hi. You’re back.”

“Of course! This is my local hangout now,” Phil says, winking. “Great cocktails, cute bar staff, crazy Bingo nights… this place has got it all.”

“Some people might not agree with you about the cocktails,” Dan can’t help himself saying, glancing at Charlie.

Charlie shuffles awkwardly on the spot. “Right,” he says, casting a look at Phil. They share a look that seems loaded with something Dan is not privy to, and then Charlie sighs, turning to Dan. “I wanted to, uh, apologise. About last time. Totally not cool of me to… tell you off like that. I was wasted.”

For an awkward moment, Dan waits for the actual word ‘sorry’ to leave Charlie’s mouth. It becomes obvious fairly swiftly that the dude feels he’s already said enough, so Dan just gives him a tight smile, and clears his throat.

“Oh, yeah man,” he says. “Let’s just… move on, I guess.”

If Charlie won’t say sorry, then Dan’s sure as hell not going to say he forgives him.

“So, drinks?” Phil asks, seeming to sense the taut atmosphere. “Maybe not cocktails?”

Dan can’t help the splutter of laughter, but Charlie shoots a dagger-like glare Phil’s way. It makes Dan’s lip curl; how could anyone be angry with Phil, of all people?

“Maybe some beers?” Dan suggests, teeth clenched. “We have a load of craft beers, or if you’re more into spirits I could make you guys a-”

“I’ll have a vodka and light tonic, no ice,” Charlie interrupts. “A double. If you use regular tonic, I will know.”

“Charlie,” Phil hisses under his breath.

They exchange another loaded look, and again Charlie sighs, turning to Dan with a fake smile. “Please.”

Swallowing the urge to roll his eyes, Dan nods, then gladly turns his attention to Phil. “And for you?”

“Oh,” Phil says, like it’s only just occurred to him that he needs to order as well. “God, I’m so bad at deciding, err…”

As he’s dithering, Charlie sighs. “Are you cool to get these, Phil? I’m gonna go find us a table.”

“You don’t wanna dance?”

“Not in the mood.”

Phil nods, obviously disappointed. “Okay, yeah, I’ll meet you in the back.”

With that, Charlie is gone, slipping into the crowd. The look of distaste must be more evident on Dan’s face than he thinks, because Phil laughs at it.

“I know,” Phil says. “But he does have a few… marginally amiable qualities.”

‘Why have you chosen to be with someone that’s marginally amiable when you’re so great,’ is what Dan wants to ask. Instead, he simply shrugs, deciding to change the subject.

“Have you decided on a drink yet? I’d better get on with making his low-cal dishwater.”

Phil laughs a little, then leans forwards, his smile deepening as he leans across the bar. “Surprise me.”

Something sparks a roman candle in Dan’s stomach, and his skin prickles with the heat it creates. He drags his eyes free of Phil’s with some difficulty, nodding, and turns to make the drinks.

He prepares Phil a ‘PopQueen’ cocktail, which is one of their most popular. It’s inspired by popcorn, along with the trio of Pop Queens that rule the gay music scene: Gaga, RiRi, and Bey. The moscato vodka base is made from Italian grapes to represent Gaga’s heritage, the spiced rum is a shoutout to Bey’s favourite drink, and Riri comes in in the form of a smoky splash of passion fruit bitter. The rest is topped up with popcorn syrup, lemonade, a sprinkle of caramel popcorn kernels, and as many sparkly cocktail sticks as Dan can fit in.

He explains the whole concoction to Phil as he presents it, a little smug because he knows this is an impressive looking cocktail. It’s probably his favourite one to make; the Viniq shimmery moscato vodka makes the drink swirl and shimmer - always exceptionally pretty.

Sure enough, Phil’s mouth drops open at the sight of it. “Okay wow,” Phil says, chuckling. “I’m gonna get drunk tonight, aren’t I?”

“If that’s your plan, this should definitely help you on your way,” Dan says, laughing too. “I wouldn’t recommend having a second if you want to remember your evening.”

Phil leans forwards to take a sip of the PopQueen, moaning around the straw, much to Dan’s dismay. He plucks one of the popcorn pieces off and eats it, eyes closed. In related news, Dan struggles not to fall to the floor. “Dan, you are an artiste,” Phil says. “Popcorn is my all time favourite food.”

“Oh, wow, that’s... lucky, I guess,” Dan stammers, a swell of pride surging up into his chest. “Glad you like it.”

“So, how much?”

“Oh, on the house.” Dan smiles, sliding the cocktail across the bar along with Charlie’s vodka tonic. “I feel bad for not letting you in on the forfeit for Bingo last time.”

The look on Phil’s face softens into something so sweet Dan can taste sugar on his tongue.

“You don’t have to do that,” Phil says softly.

“It’s fine, really,” Dan assures him, all but sliding his elbows across the bar towards him. “I insist.”

A twitch in the corner of Phil’s mouth, and then he’s leaning across the bar. It happens slowly, but Dan still manages to be caught off guard. One moment, he’s watching, bemused, as Phil inches towards him, and the next there’s a light press of paper-soft lips to his cheek. A scratch of stubble grazes over Dan’s skin as Phil leans away.

“Thanks,” Phil tells him, smiling. “You’re sweet, Dan.”

And then he’s turning away, drinks in hand, slipping into the mass of people.

For the next few hours, Dan hopes for Phil to return to the bar for another round. He waits, eagerly, for this moment to come. Instead, Charlie is the one who brings his and Phil’s glasses back over, and waves to flag down Dan’s attention.

He nods in acknowledgement, finishing up the drinks order he’s in the middle of, and sidling over to Charlie. He forces a strained smile.

“Same again?”

“Yeah,” Charlie says, digging out his phone. “And a couple of vodka shots.”

He says nothing else, eyes glued to his phone screen. Dan waits for a moment before moving off, eyes stuck to Charlie’s face. He’s the kind of gorgeous that shouldn’t exist in real life. Unblemished, tanned skin. Clean, dark stubble, lacing his perfect, razorblade jawline. His hair is a swoop of glossy mahogany; even the cut of it looks expensive.

Charlie’s eyes flick up to Dan’s, obviously questioning why he’s staring, so Dan nods, embarrassed, and hurries to make the drinks. From a superficial standpoint, it’s obvious why Phil is with Charlie. Obviously, in Dan’s eyes, Phil is the most attractive man on the planet, but that’s just because he’s Dan’s type. Even he can tell that Charlie is objectively a beautiful human being.

It’s just a shame about everything below the surface level.

Dan pours the two shots Charlie ordered. “All together it’s twenty pounds, please.”

Charlie snorts, then pockets his phone at last. “Figures you’d give Phil the discount.”

He pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the counter.

“Sorry, I can’t give you guys free drinks all night.”

Charlie just stares back at him, a faint, knowing smile caught on his dusty pink lips. One of this thick eyebrows is slightly quirked, sliding an irritation under Dan’s skin. “Listen, Danny, is it?”

“Dan,” he grits.

“Dan,” Charlie says, leaning across the bar. “A little advice, yeah? Don’t be so transparent. It just comes across as pathetic.”

He downs both the shots in quick succession, baffling Dan, who is frozen, mortified, to the spot. Before his brain can thaw enough to stammer out some witty rebuttal, Charlie has swept the drinks off the counter, and is moving away.

Cheeks burning, Dan turns around, trying to calm his boiling blood. He squeezes his fists together, counting to ten, the way he makes himself after all encounters with dickhead customers.

“Hey, sweetcheeks, can we get some drinks over here, please?”

With a deep sigh, Dan unclenches his fists, and turns to the next customer.

At around one in the morning, Dan runs to the bathroom for a minute, and on his way, he sees Charlie. He’s against the wall of the club, near the DJ booth. There’s a muscular, dark-skinned man pressing him there; their faces are close. Dan can’t stop, he’s left Tyler and Dodie to the mercy of the drunks in their worst state - things get rowdy an hour before closing - and he needs to get back there. So, instead, he simply tucks the image away in his mind, to think about later on.

That man, leant against Charlie in a less-than-innocent seeming stance, was certainly not Phil, after all. As he exits the bathroom, he notices that Charlie is gone, as is whoever was with him.

At 1:55am, the lights come on. As usual, an enormous groan chants out of the crowd of patrons on the dance floor, followed by a few pairs awkwardly stepping out of the shadows, some squinting and eye-covering, and the slow, jelly-legged walk to the coat-check area.

“I think I just saw some guy getting up off his knees in the corner,” Tyler says despondently. “Shotgun not mopping the floor tonight.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Dan sighs. “On the dance floor? Really? Why can’t they suck each other off in the bathroom like normal people?”

“Oh, there were definitely people doing that in one of the stalls about an hour ago,” someone says to Dan’s right. The voice, for some reason, sends the hairs up on the back of Dan’s neck.

He turns, wondering when Matt’s voice got so low, only to find that Phil has perched himself on one of the bar stools, the dregs of his cocktail still in a glass in front of him. For a moment, Dan is too stunned at the sight of him to reply. Then, he registers that the lights are on, and cringes, knowing he likely looks frightful. Phil, of course, looks radiant as ever even under the harsh fluorescents, apart from a faint tiredness, visible in the dark circles underneath his eyes.

“You’re still here,” Dan comments. “I thought you guys had gone.”

“Charlie left,” Phil says, looking away from Dan. “Or I assume he did.”

Out of sight, Tyler catches Dan’s eye, making an obscene gesture with his hands before snickering and running off in the direction of the supply closet. Dan just glares after him, pink-cheeked, and turns back to Phil.

“Wait, he left without telling you?”

One of Phil’s shoulders moves towards his neck, then falls. “He does that.”

“Wow that’s… kind of shitty.”

As soon as the words are out, Dan regrets them. He can’t help but think of Charlie’s comment from earlier; it rings in his ears as if the guy had screamed it at him.

Don’t be so transparent. It just comes across as pathetic.

He was right, probably, though Dan had hated hearing it. He should stop being such a suck-up. It must be awkward and cringey for Phil to see Dan so obviously smitten.

Still, Phil throws him a faint smile. “It’s cool. He’s just a flaky guy. A bit of a princess. He grew up rich, so he’s always been a bit superficial. I’m trying to wring the bourgeoisie out of his blue blood.”

Dan snorts with laughter. “In my experience, you can’t filter the dickishness out of people very easily.”

There’s a silence, then. Phil regards him with a faintly curious expression.

“Maybe I’m wrong,” Dan says once the silence gets too uncomfortable. He shrugs, grabbing the rag from his back pocket and starting to wipe down the bar. “I don’t know the guy, really. I’ve just had a couple of unfortunate experiences with him.”

“Oh no,” Phil says, face falling. “What did he do this time?”

Dan laughs, bitterly. “Don’t worry about it. He’s just a little mouthy, is all.”

“Ugh, I’m sorry.”

“Nothing I can’t handle.”

“So, when do you get to leave this place?” Phil asks, playing with his glass. He still hasn’t drunk the remainder of his cocktail. “Or do you sleep here?”

“On weekdays, the bar closes at two, so I get out of here at around two-thirty.”

“Christ,” Phil mutters. “And I thought my job was long hours.”

A laugh bursts out of Dan’s throat, but he covers it as best he can with a cough, turning away. Busying himself with ‘dusting’ some liquor bottles, Dan tries to compose a straight face. Is Phil honestly going to try and argue that his job is difficult? When was the last time that guy ever grabbed a broom, or handled someone’s sticky change?

In a minute, Dan is going to go into the corner of the dance floor, get down on his knees, and clean up some randomer’s come. A few weeks ago he saw Phil swanning about a five-star hotel in Korea. If AmazingPhil’s worst complaint is that he had to have a few questionable outfit choices put on him, and some silvery goo in his hair, then he needs a reality check.

Nevertheless, Dan knows that he can’t say any of this. Not only would he never dream of insulting Phil Lester, but it’s pointless to try and explain the differences between classes to someone in a privileged position. They’ve usually forgotten how to understand.

“Are you close by, at least?” Phil asks, interrupting Dan’s thoughts.

Dan turns back to him. “Kemptown. It’s half an hour’s walk, more or less.”

“You walk?” Phil asks, eyebrows skyrocketing towards his quiff. “At two in the morning?”

“Five in the morning on weekends,” Dan confirms, hiding a smile at Phil’s surprise. “It’s okay, you get used to it. Besides, it’s mostly just drunk idiots chugging cans of cider and threatening to run into the sea. Not too scary.”

Despite Dan’s reassurance, the look of pity and concern on Phil’s face doesn’t subside. After a while, Dan turns from it, feeling awkward. He busies himself with clearing away the last of the empty glasses, yawning into the crook of his elbow. Tonight was rough.

“You should crash at mine,” Phil blurts.

Sure he must have misheard, Dan faces Phil slowly. “Um, what?”

“If you’re exhausted, I mean.” Phil fidgets, fingers tapping against his glass. “Like, on the nights you can’t face walking all the way home, you can totally just sleep on my sofa.”

Speechless, Dan simply stares.

“The couch is pretty comfy,” Phil continues in a ramble, not meeting Dan’s eye. “And my flat is just up the road, literally like a minute away. I’m not saying, y’know, come over every night, ‘cause obviously… that might be an issue, but you can absolutely stay round on, say, Saturday nights when you finish later. That wouldn’t be a problem.”

He’s just being nice. That’s Dan’s only explanation. Phil Lester is a sweetheart of a person, and he got so worried about the hypothetical danger involved in Dan’s walks home, that he offered something big, even though he didn’t really mean it.

Dan is a stranger to him. He needs to decline the polite offer, and let Phil off the hook he accidentally created to string himself up on.

So, Dan forces out a small chuckle, and says: “Oh, no, it’s really fine. Thanks for the offer, that’s really good of you, but I quite like the walk. It’s a nice come down after a busy night.”

Phil nods, chewing his lip. He looks unconvinced. “I’m not just saying it, though.” His voice has dropped to a lower tone. “Like tonight… you’re so tired, I can see it. Just grab some sleep at mine before you head back across town.”

As soon as Phil mentions it, the quilt of his own exhaustion flops around his shoulders, dragging Dan’s bones towards the floor. He tries to picture the stumble back to his crummy flat in Kemptown, loathing each imaginary step.

“You barely know me,” Dan says - one last attempt at refusal.

Sensing he’s won, Phil smiles very slightly, then downs the rest of his cocktail at last. “I don’t know if it’s just me, Dan, but I have this feeling that we’re going to be good friends.”

(Part 4!)

#phan #phanfic #bartender au #phanfiction

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naeiouuu · 6 years

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More F/F book recs

It’s been like a year (two years??) since my last list and unfortunately, I haven’t read as much as I’ve wanted to since then. And nobody asked but here are more books that I’ve been obsessed with!!! Once again with ao3 style tags because I’m incoherent and annoying. Under the cut:

My main man Reye, who publishes as Zoe Reed:

LISTEN. All of Reye’s books are incredible. I’m sure you’ve seen me losing my mcfuckin mind over his books in the past two weeks or so, because they were all so good I could not put them down. His characters are never dull and the dialogue and chemistry for each pairing is so unique and so spicy. Here are my faves, with happy endings all around.

Charon Docks At Daylight (23189041/5 stars)

You can read it for free here.

(tags: sorry for overhyping it but this book is quite possibly the best book i’ve EVER read, zombie apocalypse, but so character driven, echo and gen have pre-outbreak history, aka they had crushes on each other in high school, IT’S ENEMIES TO LOVERS, YOU KNOW YOU’RE WEAK FOR THAT SHIT, hate-fucking with E•MO•TION™, slow burn falling in love, landfill - daughter.mp3, dealing with morality and grey areas, i’ve read this book like three times now)

Breaking Legacies (5/5 stars)

(tags: medieval fantasy, ava is a woc, raw aching PINING™, so fucking emotionally rich i could cry thinking about it, the princess and her protector, dragons my dudes DRAGONS, there’s one part in the book where i just laid down in bed and cried lmao, hits all my favourite hurt/comfort tropes i could die so happy, but also tw there’s some gut-wrenching sad animal deaths in here)

Interference (4/5 stars)

(tags: rival roller hockey players falling in love, both of them deal with tragedy and issues and they grow together it’s beautiful, jordan deals with A LOT of homophobia from her family, tw: past sexual assault, taylor doesn’t like to speak and she is so Good and i love her a lot, it’s only 4 stars because it got a tad bit draggy near the end but i still enjoyed it a lot)

Emily Skrutskie:

The Abyss Surrounds Us (5/5 stars)

(tags: sci-fi fantasy pirate lesbians, protagonist is a woc named cassandra leung!!!, E Q U A L F O O T I N G, world-building made me a little hesitant, but when it got to the action boy did it deliver, trained sea monsters, slightly less trained sea monsters, she fucking named the sea monster BAO, the meat bun, im living for this representation, where can i get me a girl like swift kent?, you guessed it there’s raw aching pining please inject it right into my veins)

The Edge of the Abyss (4/5 stars) [Sequel to TASU]

(tags: we were blessed with a sequel, less focused on swift and cas’ relationship but it came with a little more angst and a little more pining, lovers to enemies to lovers?, is that a thing? it’s a thing now, they love each other so messily, unfortunately the ending was so abrupt and uninspiring that i was left a little disappointed, but still it ended well, where’s my swift kent thanks)

Lise MacTague: Depths of Blue (4/5 stars)

(tags: sci-fi fantasy, a smuggler lands on an outer-rim planet filled only with misogynistic gross dudes, she’s super gay but she’s like why am i falling for this mysterious male soldier who’s rescuing me?, SIKE mysterious soldier is secretly a woman!!!, action-filled and a lil violent, kept me at the edge of my gd seat till i finished it, i literally read the synopsis and whispered ‘mmm yes’ then i bought the book lmao, it’s one book in a series of three but i haven’t read the other two yet)

Tiana Warner: Ice Massacre (5/5 stars)

(tags: a group of girls are sent to kill some murderous mermaids who have been terrorizing their island for generations, but rip meela is in love with one of the mermaids, and she’s known her since childhood, cue that gucci trying to protect each other mid-battle angst, so yeah, gay mermaids my dudes, it’s beautiful and violent and a little bit hunger-gamesy, book 1 in a three part series but i’m a serial procrastinator so i haven’t read the other two)

Linda Kay Silva: Man Eaters (4/5 stars)

(tags: listen im a slut for lesbians in a zombie apocalypse okay, this book is funny and witty with dark humour, but instead of my tags let this review convince you to read it:

the second book involves them trying to build a zombie-immune gay army to kill the man eaters and take back the country it’s honestly incredible)

K.E. Lane: And Playing The Role Of Herself (4/5 stars)

(tags: two actresses fall in love, but they take the longest possible route to finding each other, it’s a little bit dramatic and a little bit angsty, they both have to be careful because of their ~public images, there’s a violent scene (no sexual assault i promise) during the novel and it gave me my fave trope of person a caring for an injured person b)

Dayna Ingram: Eat Your Heart Out (5/5 stars)

(tags: yeah i’m sorry it’s another lesbian zombie apocalypse novel mostly because i have no self control, this one is short and gritty and full of dark humor, before charon docks at daylight it was probably my fave lesbian zom-apoc novel, imagine michelle rodriguez decending from the heavens to help you survive through the apocalypse, that’s the plot, it’s gucci)

On The List:

Audrey Coulthurst: Of Fire and Stars (fantasy lesbians)

Catherine M. Wilson: The Warrior’s Path (warrior lesbians)

G. Benson: Who’d Have Thought (doctor lesbians)

Melissa Brayden: Seven Shores series (melissa brayden lesbians)

C.B. Lee: Not Your Sidekick (superhero bis)

May Dawney: Survival Instincts (post-apocalyptic lesbians)

thanks for reading!!

#books #f/f romance #long post #if the font is really small on my blog please zoom in im sorry #zoe reed #emily skrutskie #lise mactague #tiana warner #linda kay silva #k.e. lane #dayna ingram

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guillemelgat · 6 years

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11+11=22 Questions

I got tagged in two of the 11 questions ask games by @elnas-studies and @hardlyfluent (thank you both so much!!), so I combined them both in a really long hell post which I’m putting under a cut because otherwise this will be horrifying

RULES: Answer the 11 questions. Make 11 of your own and tag 11 people.

1. how old were you when you started learning other languages besides your native one(s)?

Unless you count my early attempts to learn Malayalam, which arguably started at the age of about two, then I’d say I really started learning another language when I had to take Spanish in sixth grade, which was a struggle at first but eventually I fell in love with it

2. have you ever dated one of your crushes before?

dating???? crushes????? im donot know what youre talking about

3. what is your strengths and weaknesses as a language learner?

My strength is probably my refusal to think things are “weird” or “difficult” and just kind of accepting them as a fact, and also the fact that I adore grammar. My weakness is definitely that I loathe learning vocabulary, and also the fact that I tend to just skim stuff to learn all the cool grammar and never actually practice anything :,))

4. why are you studying the languages you are studying?

oh boy get ready this is going to be a long ride

Spanish - I had to take it in school but the reason I currently speak it to any degree is probably thanks to my obsession with Latin pop during the dark years of my life (we don’t talk about that here)

Catalan - because it’s perfect and also because I love literally every aspect of Catalan culture, did you honestly expect me to say something else??

Welsh - originally because I read a series called The Dark is Rising when I was in fourth grade and it had Welsh in it and I was like I want to learn this and so I (sort of) did

Basque - not gonna lie, this one was for Xabi Solano (if I try to pretend like it’s not y’all will find me out eventually because everything is on this blog)

Turkish - good question, why am I learning Turkish?? jk, I think Turkey is a fascinating country with a really interesting history, also it appreciates cats so that’s a win

Western Abenaki - this is an indigenous language from around where I’m from so I feel like the least I could do would be to learn it considering I’m occupying their land, also I grew up listening to an Abenaki storyteller named Joseph Bruchac so it’s close to my heart

Romani - this was also a language I wanted to learn in fourth grade because we had an album of Romani music and it was one of my favorite things in the world and I wanted to be able to learn all the words to the songs, I guess not much has changed since then

Malayalam - me?? learning languages for actual reasons??? it’s more likely than you think (this is my heritage language, my dad’s family is Malayali)

Arabic - originally I had good reasons for learning this, now I’m just doing it for Mashrou’ Leila

Tamahaq - in case you’re not seeing a pattern here hopefully this will help, I’m learning this for Tinariwen so I can understand their songs

5. where in the world would u move to if u could?

Either the rural Pyrenees somewhere (La Garrotxa or Ripollès probably), somewhere in the New England woods, or Minneapolis (sorry I just really fell in love with that city it’s not my fault that it’s so good)

6. what is your favourite food in ur target language(s)?

pasta, I think it’s the same in probably all of them except Turkish, which is makarna

7. what is your favourite genre of books and/or movies?

I used to be a big sci-fi and fantasy person (and still am to some degree), but now I also really like historical fiction (although still with a dose of fantasy if it’s done well), plus literally anything gay

8. do you like poetry? if so, who is your favourite poet?

I’ve never really been into poetry but I absolutely adore Vicent Andrés Estellés

9. have you ever studied abroad?

Not with school, although I did study Spanish at a language school in Oaxaca for a week one summer, but I’m hoping to go to Senegal to do my Official College Study Abroad™ and learn some Wolof :))))

10. what is ur biggest fear?

I have a lot of these, do you really want to get into that (probably either dying or the depths of the ocean)

11. what is the one thing u can’t live without?

Probably my computer because I’m Trash™

1. If you could change your name, would you? and to what?

I actually am seriously considering changing my name irl, but I do also really like my birth name so I’m not sure, this is a difficult question

2. Do you have a favourite artistic movement?

I’m not a cultured person who is capable of having that sort of opinion, although I’m a big fan of art romànic in Catalunya, which is sort of a weird thing to be a fan of but that’s how it be sometimes

3. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would you go?

moving temporarily?? either somewhere in Catalunya or my family’s house in Kerala because it’s going to get sold soon probably since no one lives there anymore but it’s really important in my family’s history and I want to experience it before it’s gone; or, on a less serious note, a sheep farm would also be very nice

4. Do you collect anything? If so, what?

This is going to sound weird especially because I did this as a nine-year-old, but I used to collect business cards?? Now I just collect plants. Lots of plants. Too many plants, really, but who’s to stop me?

5. What is one piece of media that you think everyone should watch/read?

idk if this counts but please watch the video for “Roman” by Mashrou’ Leila, it’s amazing (I could rec books and stuff but I don’t have the same taste as people and also a lot of the stuff I watch/read is either trash or too mainstream to bother putting here)

6. What was your first favourite band/singer?

Hmm…let’s play it safe and say the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields because I was a cultured 4-year-old who listened exclusively to classical music (what happened to me, we will never know), outside of that I’m honestly not sure because I’ve had favorite bands my whole life and so it’s hard to say who was the first

7. What is your favourite season?

Autumn, but honestly my favorite season is whatever season comes next, I’m always ready for the change when it (finally) happens - that’s why I can’t live in places where it’s warm/temperate all year round, I’d go crazy

8. What’s your favourite song from your home country?

Oh wow this is difficult because (1) there’s a lot of music from the US and (2) I listen to almost none of it so... I’m going to pass on this for now

9. Is there any fashion style from the past that you would like to bring back?

I’m the wrong person to ask about fashion, I have the fashion sense of one of those guys on Queer Eye who Tan has to save because they wear jeans and a t-shirt to everything

10. What song do you currently listen to the most?

I’ve been listening to “Imm El Jacket” a lot recently because it’s the best, also “Entre poetas y presos” by La Raíz

Here are my questions:

1. What was your favorite childhood book/series?

2. What’s your favorite song in each of the languages you’re learning?

3. Do you prefer living in warm weather (above 25ºC/75ºF) or cold weather (below 0ºC/32ºF)?

4. Do you have pets? What kind/what are their names? If not, would you like a pet?

5. What is piece of advice you would give to your younger self if you could?

6. Who is one famous person that you really like/look up to?

7. What is one thing that you like to do that no one would expect of you? (as in something surprising/something that doesn’t fit with your personality or other interests)

8. Would you rather live in the woods or in the city?

9. What’s one thing in your daily routine that always goes wrong or always irritates you?

10. Do you still have your favorite childhood toy/stuffed animal? What is it?

11. What’s one thing that motivates you or keeps you going when you’re having a hard time?

I’m going to tag @incelphobiia, @reyneclaw, @euryalus, @chatwiththeclouds, @elphaba-masala, @bouzhi, @deepsearuin, but don’t feel obligated to do this at all, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to ^^

#thank you for tagging these are always really fun #sorry to take so long to do this #random stuff #tag games

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libraryofmegharoni · 3 years

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The Heart's Invisible Furies [John Boyne]

started: March 21, 2021 finished: March 24, 2021 rating: 5/5

review:

its now been 2 weeks since i finished The Heart's Invisible Furies and tbh i still dont have the words to describe it.

first of all i've apparently wanted to read this book for at least 3 years. after i got it i found it on a random list of books in my notes of books i wanted that i made couple years ago. i have absolutely no idea where i heard about it the first time. i actually dont remember where i heard of it or why i put it on my list a couple months ago but evidently i did.

this was one of the (many) books that i intentionally didn't read the synopsis of and didn't want to know anything about it before reading. i knew bits going into it. i had the general info that it was about a boy born in Ireland who was adopted, it's set during The Troubles, and its gay enough to have the 'LGBT' tag on goodreads.

after a day of reading it my only comment i wrote down was: i think i cried 6 times reading the first 100ish pages.

which honestly sums up my entire experience reading the entire book.

the novel is organized so that each section is every seven years. there's a total of 11 sections so it covers 77 years all about Cyril Avery's life. the first section is about his mother dealing with being an unwed 16 year old pregnant woman in mid-1940s Ireland. and let me say: the actions of most of the 'adults' are absolutely horrific. the first chapter is Cyril's mother, Catherine, being kicked out of her village at Sunday Mass. her entire family and the rest of the village are against her and back the priest who tells her she has like an hour to leave the village and never come back.

when she gets on a bus to Dublin, she meets Seán who is also escaping his village to Dublin. they arrive and are greeted by Seán's 'friend' Jack who reluctantly agrees to let Catherine stay with them until she can support herself. its pretty obvious that Seán and Jack are a little more than friends but Catherine doesnt think anything of it until the end of the section. before the end tho, we meet the only valid adult / person of a previous generation, Mrs. Hennessy. i absolutely loved that she makes an appearance the the following section and gets name dropped throughout the rest of the novel. this first section is where we learn her general backstory and god fucking damn it i was appalled. at this point its less than 50 pages into the book and i was nearly full on sobbing. and the tears dont let up from there either! right after finding out what Mrs. Hennessy has gone through, Catherine returns back to the apartment she shares with Seán and Jack and once again there's adult and parent who is absolutely horrendous. this is finally when Catherine learns that the two boys are actually in a relationship because, who we later learn is Seán's father, who Seán was escaping from when he left his village, forces himself into the apartment. within the next few minutes, there is a filicide , someone left on the brink of death, and a birth.

this is literally all 50 pages into a nearly 600 page book. it sets the tone for the rest of it and gives a solid understanding of the mindset of Ireland in this time.

7 years later, we finally meet Cyril as as not just the concept that is causing issues for Catherine. we're introduced to the couple that adopted Cyril, who are odd to say the least. they are the type of parents that didn't really want a child because they were ready but instead as a show piece. the Avery's also constantly remind Cyril (and others) that he is 'not a real Avery'. hmm i wonder if this will have an impact on Cyril's future relationships?????

his relationship with Julian Woodbead is one of the most important to Cyril's life. i think its talked about later in the novel how their friendship is built on a lie. from the start Cyril is obsessed with Julian and Julian doesnt acknowledge it really. the perception of their friendship is so biased since we are viewing the world from Cyril's point of view and how he is effected. because of this perceptive, its so hard to believe that Julian didn't know that Cyril was in love with him. but i think Julian was such a product of the environment his was raised in and living by the acceptable ideas of the time. from an early age one of his defining traits is essentially being a womanizer. its hard to tell how much of him is just for show and how different him, and Cyril, would be free of a society with such strict exceptions and definitions of right and wrong. was Julian truly completely straight? or was he lying to everyone and himself to fit in with society?

Cyril deals with his repression of being gay in such a detrimental way the entire time he lives in Ireland. he constantly lies to everyone in his life and forces himself to live a lie. his inability to confide in anyone leads him to getting engaged to, sleeping with, and ultimately marrying Julian's sister, Alice.

oh my god the lead up to the marriage ceremony and the events after hurt so many people and i didn't know who's side i was on for them. Cyril ends up in a relationship with Alice and somehow engaged to her. he almost breaks it off with her but every time he cant say the words. its heartbreaking thinking about Cyril was just so fearful to tell the truth to people who loved him.

its finally on the wedding day that Cyril confesses to Julian that he doesnt love Alice in any romantic way because he's gay and is actually in love with Julian. Cyril wants to Julian to allow him to not go forward with the marriage but with Alice's past (she had a previous fiance that left her at the alter) Julian tells Cyril that he's going to marry his sister and be a perfect husband to her.

Cyril does it. partially. he marries Alice then flees the entire country. coming from Cyril's point of view, i was relived that he was free from lying to everyone. but on the other side -- he just left everyone hurt and unhappy in the wake of his actions. its so easy to see how Cyril feels forced into his decisions but understanding how those decisions affect the people around him make it hard to support Cyril.

7 years later we meet the most important man in Cyril's life, Bastiaan. after leaving Ireland, Cyril ends up in Amsterdam, where it is so much more acceptable to be gay holy shit. he meets and starts dating Bastiaan there. Bastiaan helps Cyril unlearn a lot of what he was forced to live by and accept who he is as a person.

he also meets Jack who opened an Irish pub in Amsterdam with the name of Seán's last name. when i realized it was Jack from before and Jack named his pub after Seán made me weep like a fucking baby.

i could list all the times i started crying but i would end up crying all over again and have to add more to the list.

anyway in Amsterdam Cyril and Bastiaan acquire a foster son, Ignac, who just like everyone else in this novel, has a tragic past. after some events (another murder, this time the dick head is the one killed instead of the one doing the killing) and the three of them end up in New York.

they are in America during the beginning of the AIDS crisis and holy shit. yeah more balling. thats the main takeaway.

in New York, Cyril volunteers to talk to AIDS patients who are dying but have no family visiting them. one of the patients is Julian. once again i turn into a fucking baby. Julian reveals to Cyril that he has a son back in Ireland from the one time he slept with Alice. im gonna cry if i think about Julian and Cyril talking anymore i stg. but uhh Julian makes Cyril promise that he'd be the one to call Alice when he died and once Julian does pass, Cyril has every intention on doing just that. but before he can, him and Bastiaan are jumped by a group of thugs who end up seriously injuring Cyril and killing Bastiaan.

7 years later, Cyril is back in Ireland with Ignac. this time he is in Ireland as an openly gay man and is attempting to build a relationship with his son.

there's so much more that happens that i can't even convey. but holy fuck was it so god damn fucking good.

finally when Cyril is in his 60s he figures out that he is the son of Mrs. Goggins, who has never really left the story. Cyril and Julian run in to her when they are 14 in boarding school, Cyril runs into her multiple times when he works almost with her, the morning of his wedding at a cafe, and when he returns he works in the same building that she does. so throughout his life his birth mother was right there but neither of them knew it.

after 7 years, they go together back to the village that Catherine was born, raised, and kicked out of. its finally here where we learn the identity of Cyril's birth father (Catherine's aunt's husband).

bro i gotta be done now. like there's much more that i want to talk about regarding The Heart's Invisible Furies but i just cant think of them rn.

tl;dr - ballin like a baby the whole way through. also society sucks.pls read its worth it

#megharoni book log #megharoni 2021 reads #the heart's invisible furies #john boyne

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possibilistfanfiction · 7 years

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im feeling lowkey sad and you have this great ask where someone was like what's the gayest thing that's ever happened to you and it's rly sweet and i cant find it do u happen to have it lying around somewhere possibly i could use the pick-me-up

i do not but i have More gay things it’s cool i gotchu. sometimes stevie girl (the best dog in the world) cries when i get home bc she’s so excited & then puts the crown of her head on the middle of my chest to be pet. last thursday olivia & i watched handmaids tale together & she let me ramble for like 30 mins abt how amazing the recursion in it is. when i was in nyc for a night last week i had an interview which went well & then i went to my friend’s apartment & we had beers & watched glee & buzzed my hair bc i wanted to & then i got up at 6 am the next morning & talked to cole on the phone while i caught a bus back to baltimore & it was raining where we both were, some kind of same-ness. we’ve known each other & loved each other in some kind of big way for years & that allows for small soft wants & fears & hurts & how remarkable is it to have someone like that? abbigail is moving back east so i’ll see her for my birthday in two weeks. my friend emily just went to a memorial service for her favorite college professor & the same weekend she was back on campus there was also a lettuce eating competition so. my point is that, even when things seem terrible, or low, or shitty (& i’ve 100% been there, i’m there all the time still) there’s just a big weird soft world out there. dogs & ppl who make ur chest feel a little less like stones & moments where nothing makes any sense at all but u have to laugh bc who tf even schedules a lettuce eating competition? there are big sweaters & rainy days & the ability to watch the first three eps of the handmaids tale obsessively. there’s wine & cappuccino & bagels & falafel & ive had all of these in the past day but i also Love them so that’s cool. the world is big & terrible but it’s also full of tiny pockets of laughter & calm & the kind of soft warm that’s like your favorite tshirt straight out of the drier.

& look–i turn 24 in two weeks, which i literally never thought would happen. stevie is panting rn bc she got excited over her toy just siting on the floor & its warm bc it’s spring. i have finally figured out how to properly shape my brows. lana is recording songs abt the texture & heft & grit & beauty of life. cole & i get to fall in love w another lorde album this summer. i move to nyc in a month. there is just. so much. life is so much. stevie just curled up next to me in bed. it’s warm enough to wear shorts later. it’s quiet, it’s full. my friend maddie & i share a birthday & last year i bought her a star.

#princebenningfield

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kindofsharethat · 7 years

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so last night people were sharing stories of how they became larries and i thought i’d make a big (emphasis on big) ol list of them because i found them really fun to read

I've been a 1D fan since 2013 and my sister and i always thought that l&h looked so good together but only the bromance and we're like "omg larries destroyed their friendship poor eleanor 1!1!1!", then in 2015 the "i'm gay pretty unfortunate isn't eleanor ?" happened and i was like WHAAT???? and i ended up searching more and more about larry (bc it was the only thing that came to my mind) and i found the videos and then i told my sister and then here we are.

I became a larrie because someone in my dash who rarely post about 1D posted the first louis/fred pic and tagged it babygate. So I went looking into the tag and found everything. I had doubt but then i saw the moment where H touch L arm and i was in! I actually became a fan of the music after. I've done everything in reverse with this band! But when i entered the fandom in feb2016 and i was hopping to see it all end like a month later! But hey, still here! And loving it mostly! End it!

it was 2011 and my friend told me she had found a really good song and the singers were so cute, she showed me wmyb video and i spent the whole day listening to it and then in the evening i wanted to find out more about these 5 guys. i started watching video diaries ans i was looking for the next one but i accidentally clicked "best larry moments" video aaand the rest is history

I became a larrie after aimh tweet hits 2m and everyone on all of my social media started freaking out even though I didn't follow any 1D blogs so I started search about them and now I'm here also at that time I was kinda homophobic 'cause I live in russia and grown up in middle eastern family and now I'm proud lesbian who knows a lot about LGBTQ+ history so thank you to my larents and 1D for making me gay lol 🌈💕

i was a fan since 2011 but didnt know about larry bc i was young and didnt have any social media but around 2013-2014 my friend showed me the "are you and louis dating" vid and i was like the mr krabs meme bc i just couldnt understand why larry would have to be covered up so i went home and watched "why elounor is fake" videos and my eyes were open and ever since that day ive been a larrie and i regret not knowing sooner but im here now !!

i saw the daddy daddy cool tweet and was like dude that's the wrong type of daddywtf? & I hadn't heard about a pregnancy? then a week later I had read the treatise and had a side blog and watched all the freddieismyqueen videos & was in way too deeeep lol. I've never been around when they weren't on the break even, I'm so confused about how I got here but now I can't escape 😝I had never even listened to their music before but then I also did that and was like damn they're so good?!

I just remembered going out once and being quite tipsy when DMD video came on so I pointed to Louis and Harry and said 'they're in love, but shh nobody can know' and one of my friends looked at me with a WTF?? expression on her face and said 'but I thought that was common knowledge'. Mind you, she still doesn't even know their names, let alone anything else. That was around the time bg was still a fresh wound and I'll never forget it bc it was so nice to hear it and also my hangover was a bitch.

I got interested in 1D right after their last concert, like right on Halloween. I became a Larrie that very same day too, right after i read Dan Wattpad's infamous "Harry and Louis hate each other". I saw articles floating around saying how they were enemies, reason for Zayn leaving...blah blah. I was sceptical, then i came across the famous OTRA hug, and i was like, no fucking way they hate each other, not with how they are hugging. I then delved into YT and discovered freddieismyqueen. Bless.

I joined july 2014 (2 months after they 've passed my country ouch) and was instantly hooked because this shit is like crack. Today I'm the darkest larrie that exists preaching the word for everyone who'll listen. I can WAIT for their CO because I have a party prepared? I literally have a wine since 2014 in my cellar that I'm only going to open the day they're free, I have nauthical theme stocked for the party. My friends just know that they have to come and that I'll be crying the whole month!!

weirdly enough i became a larry cos of that stupid channel 4 documentary id never heard of larry or gay shipping or whatever before that and i saw that and i was very mr krabs meme and i looked into it saw that it wasn't evil and gross like they were portraying it and never turned back

I joined the fandom in late 2012 and I wasn't a larrie but I wasn't an anti either i just hadn't looked into it but then i remember during the confirmation of bg on gma i felt bad for harry and i didnt really know why and I was surprised by my own reaction. Then with bg going on I started to realise that none of that could be real I did my research and I've been a larrie ever since :)

I joined the fandom in 2012, used to think Elounor was real but just because I never looked into it and I knew some people thought Larry was real at the time so I checked this insta page that debunked Elounor and I have no regrets 💙💚

When I become a 1D fan, in 2012, I liked elounor and I liked Eleanor unfortunately. I was not that into fandom things so I wasn't paying attention to details. But my whole view changed in 2014 when they came to South America for the WWAT and all those rumors in Argentina with the hotel room and Brazil that was an experience and I was like "ok something is happening here between them" and here I am, 4 years later and going strong as a larrie. I'm on the winning team 😌💅🏼

I became a larrie when my friend first introduced me to fanfiction. I read a larry one and was totally amazed by it. After that, I switched between het ones and larry ones, but always came back to larry. After that, I simply became obsessed with the pair, something that made me fall in love with the band and all of them. I watched the dairies and everything, and just saw how clear their infatuation was. Tumblr and a lot of other sites just simply proved the theory even more. No regrets ❤

i became a larrie late novemeber after a month of being in the 1d fandom. i watched freddieismyqueen videos and other proofs for hours everyday (especially over thanksgiving break)

I wasn't even a fan of 1D, but while I was looking for pictures of them to do a collage for a friend, I found one in which Louis and Harry were looking at each other and, damn, I can't explain what I felt, I just knew it. So, I was trying to figure out if I was the only one thinking there was something between this two, and it turned out I wasn't! I discovered tumblr, and I spent 3 days reading post, watching videos and proofs and...here I am, 3 years after, being the larriest larrie

I became a 1d fan when uan tour had just started and like. I watched all the damn youtube videos in about a week and I noticed that in the video diaries on the stairs they were so ~cozy, and they were so Extra™ on stage and hl weren't like that with the other boys. They just emanated the feelings I suppressed: Ultra Gay. And yeah. That's how it Began for me

I became a larrie when I watched the behind the scenes of wmyb and Louis was saying "I've gotta say it" and Harry was all over him and hid his face in Louis' shoulder and said "no!"

Same like that previous anon i hadnt even considered two guys being more than friends bc of where i grew up. But just watching proof videos of them for a while i kind of realized how in love they were. Thats when i started thinking about how different and colorful the world actually is compared to what I've learned from the people i grew up around

I became a larrie when my friend and I would watch their video diaries together, and I would see the way h&l acted with each other. I mentioned it to my friend and she was like yeah, Larry, and she showed me one YouTube video so I spent weeks watching every single one I could find, all these years later and I've come to accept theres no way to crawl out of this 😂

are we sharing larrie stories? my friend became a fan early 2012 (and a larrie) and was adamant on making me on too, and I finally gave in summer 2013. I rmr the day after TCAs that year, niall tried to do a twitcam and idr how but some article got written abt the twitcam that included a link to those 'you just have to pay attention' videos. I marathoned them all, and it was that arm moment that zayn failed to hide that #sealed it. though my friend gave me the skinny on haylor back in 2012~

i was like a super casual fan since their first album. my friend introduced them to me cuz she was crushing on zayn. i just knew their music but not actually them. i became a larrie during weedgate. weird timing, i know. i saw it on the news and got curious about what was going on. saw the video then got to know about the boys individually through past vids. i started from the very start from the xf vid diaries. those two, not subtle AT ALL. and well, the rest was history.

i was in entirely different fandom back in 2014, but one of my follower turns into a liam stan and starts to post about 1d and there was a post about how harry and louis can't touch each other and i thought that was really weird weren't they bandmates?? then i started digging around and stumble into a treatise blog. here i am now hahaha

I got into this fandom because of my best friend. She showed me week 4 diary video... and I was like are those two in a relationship?? I pointed at louis and harry and she said no why? And I was like I don't know they seem cozy together and I pointed out that harry was staring at louis lips... she didn't believe me first but now she is a larrie😂 So basically I got into this fandom knowing larry is real

I became a fan of the boys 4 years ago. I read about Larry and that fans believed they were together so I went on YouTube and saw some videos and read some stories (I think it was here on tumblr??) and I immediately believed they were together. There wasn't a particular moment for me, it was a lot of things. Probably, above all, the way they looked at each other. They never looked at someone else so fondly. And 4 years later I keep saying the same thing 💖

for me, i always thought louis was gay from way back in 2011 but i didn't really think of harry's sexuality cause i wasn't like a stan i was just a casual fan [which is why it confuses me when people say that if larry isn't real, louis is straight and horrible, no...he still gay as hell babe]. anyway i became a larrie cause i used to really follow celeb gossip and when the news dropped, gossip sites/tabloids kept mentioning harry and larries everywhere so i decided to investigate and...here i am

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midsummerdream · 7 years

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Orange

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

i feel warm literally any time im with friends ! i love them all. i feel warm when we laugh together and when i feel supported and im love my friends

my favorite halloween tradition is after you’ve gone trick or treating and then we all sit in a circle and trade candy!! everyone can have my snickers theyre gross

the last thing i learned was about this gay theater group in san francisco in the early 70s called the cockettes!

the last time i felt obsessed.... my friend and i have been watching shameless together for the past few weeks which has been lovely because i get to see him every day and we’re COMPLETELY obsessed. elizabeth convinced me to watch 13 reasons why so i started that today and it’s pretty good but im not obsessed yet?

my favorite most worn article of clothing is this pair of black pants i stole from my brother. they’re plain but they were the first real “boys” clothes i started wearing and they definitely help me feel more masc which i like. my other favorite piece of clothing is this yellow fishnet shirt that i inherited from one of the nicest people in the world. it was a tradition and she passed it down to me! and in two years i’ll pass it to someone else

#thank you anon for asking me :D #asks #answered #Anonymous

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fourteenacross · 7 years

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so, like, i know youre a busy person, but if you get time, could you write martha manning meeting the squad and maybe molly??? -Myah

At some vague point in the future, the gang is going to a conference in the UK where they’ll meet Martha and her girlfriend (and John’s ex and his fiancée), but that’s not for awhile yet.

In the meantime, here’s some other stuff.

“Look,” the boy on the other end of the phone says, “I wasn’t saying that was gonna keep me from doing it, just pointing out a fact.”

Martha bites back a smile. “Alex?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, hi,” he says. “Martha. Mattie. Can I call you Mattie? John always calls you Mattie. Or–John calls you Mattie when he’s not thinking about it. When he’s consciously starting a story about you he always goes, ‘My friend Martha,’ like this is the first time he’s mentioning you. Or–I guess also he’s making sure I’m not mixing you up with his sister? But. Anyway. Hi?”

“I really thought he was exaggerating how fast you talk,” she says. “It’s almost all he’s said about you, really. Normally I can’t get him to stop talking about his men, but he’s coy about you.” She stretches out on the settee--she can hear Jo banging around in the kitchen, impatient to go out and meet the rest of their friends.

Across the ocean, John’s Alexander is quiet for a moment. She’s rather sure this is an uncommon occurrence. “Really?”

“That’s how I knew how much he liked you,” she says. “He answered all of five questions before changing the subject to badger me about my love life. All I got is a picture and the fact that you’re loud and obnoxious and passionate and mean in all the same ways he is, but also very sweet.”

“’Sweet?’”

“And he got all flushed and stammer-y when he said it. Believe me, I’ve comforted John through quite the parade of terrible boyfriends. He likes you.”

“I know,” Alex says. She can hear the smile in his voice, the tremor of happiness. “I love him a lot. Like...a lot. Like....”

“A lot?” she suggests.

He snorts. “That’s proof, okay? That’s solid proof of how much I love him: he’s literally the only thing in the fucking world that can leave me speechless. I wrote a fucking essay about the hurricane that destroyed the town I grew up in, I filled an angsty tween journal with my pain when my mom died, every new exciting discovery in my field gets thousands of words of dissection, but then this stupid, beautiful asshole steps in front of me and--bam! All I can do is stare and babble and make like...vague hand gestures.”

Martha knows from stammering and vague hand gestures. She glances, unconsciously, at the kitchen again. Jo is standing on a chair to rifle through a high cabinet, scowling with determination. Martha’s heart aches.

“So,” she says, pushing through her own troubles. “Tell me about you! Like I said, Johnny was vague and secretive.” He’s told her a little more than she’s letting on, but those conversations feel more private, for some reason. mattie i’m so fucking scared of how much i love him ive only known him for like a month and a half i think Im gonna throw up.

“Uh, I’m twenty-one. I’m in the same program as John. I’m an immigrant from a tiny island in the Caribbean that you’ve probably never heard of. You’ve seen pictures, so you know what I look like. I’m pretty smart. I think John has shitty taste in beer and I don’t know how he can stand to put those dumb sci-fi movies on when he’s working. Um, my favorite color is green?”

“Favorite novel?” she asks.

“Uh, To Kill a Mockingbird. Or maybe White Teeth? Or Oscar Wao? This is a hard question. Uh, John gave me The Doomsday Book, but I haven’t read it yet. He also gave me Guards! Guards! and told me if I don’t at least appreciate it, he has to break up with me, so I’ve been putting it off, to be honest.”

“Ugh, of course John wants you to start with Guards, he’s obsessed with Vimes. Ignore him, if you’ve never read any Pratchett, start with Equal Rites.”

“No, tell him to start with The Amazing Maurice!” Jo yells from the kitchen. “I mean--I’m not eavesdropping!”

“I barely followed any of that,” Alex says. “Is there someone else there?”

“Yeah,” Martha says, “my friend Jo is waiting for me to finish up so we can go meet some people. But she’s fine waiting until I’m done with you.”

“To a point!” Jo shouts, but she’s found whatever it was she was looking for in the top cabinet and seems distracted again.

“Anyway,” Martha continues, “favorite film?”

“I don’t know if I have one? I didn’t go to the movies a lot as a kid. Maybe...um--I feel like this is a test.”

“It is, to a certain degree,” Martha says. “Okay, we’ll let you pass on that one. Are you a big partier?”

“I like people, I like socializing. I don’t know that I like partying. We go out to the bar on Fridays and have a pretty good time. Sometimes we go dancing. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my work--I’m kind of a workaholic, but, you know. I make time for my friends. I make time for John. You know we’re already dating, right? And like...living together. And while I understand you’re close, I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna dump me if I don’t pass your test. Not that I wouldn’t get lost of he did dump me. I mean, unless he was doing one of those dumb self-sacrificing things he does when he’s depressed.”

And there’s the heart of it. He’s clearly seen what John can be like when he’s down and he’s still here and he’s pledging to stay through those times. That’s all Martha can really ask for. She’s an ocean away, he’s pushed away his family, and he’s all alone somewhere new. She needs to know there’s someone on his side. She needs to know that someone is taking care of him when he’s too bloody stubborn to take care of himself.

“Well, it’s fine because you’ve passed,” she tells him. “Your prize is taking care of Johnny when he’s being a pill.”

“That’s kind of a lousy prize, seeing as how I’m already doing it. But I also get him when he’s brilliant and excited, so I guess it evens out.”

“Brilliant,” Martha repeats. Her smile is downright giddy as she thinks back to all of the idiots John’s dated for the past five years.

“So brilliant,” Alex says. “And just--passionate. Brilliant and passionate and thoughtful and dedicated and...and...just...fucking radiant. He’s just--this is what I was saying, this is what I was telling you, I don’t have words, okay?”

“Okay,” Martha says, still smiling. “Well, it’s been lovely chatting with you, Alex, but I think my friend is going to disassemble my kitchen if we don’t leave for the pub soon.”

“Yeah, John should be done soon, I can hear him bitching at the doctor from here. Just one last thing--’Johnny?’”

“Did he tell you he covered for me when we were fifteen and pretended to be my boyfriend for a family visit?”

“No...”

Jo is tapping her foot impatiently by the door. They’re not even late yet, but that’s Jo--insufferable when she’s bored. Martha would strangle her if she wasn’t so pathetically smitten.

“Very quickly, then--my mother and grandmother were trying to set me up with an eligible boy back home. This was before I had even really admitted to myself that I was gay. So, while I was on the phone with them, panicked, John told me to tell them I already had a boyfriend, which I did, and then when they asked who it was and I panicked more, bless him, he pointed at himself and I told them it was him. Then, of course, when they came to visit for a family week a month or two later, we had to actually pretend to be together. Johnny was out to everyone, so there was a lot of bribery going on that week to keep other students quiet, and he was so very awkward, so everything was over the top.” Alex laughs and so does Jo, who’s leaning forward against the side of the couch to listen, now. “I called him ‘Johnny’ in this treacly voice and even after my parents went back to London, it stuck. It was a lifesaver, really--he even fell on his sword and kissed me a few times, which is what really confirmed my lesbianism. You don’t have a boy like that kissing you and feel vaguely disgusted if you’re even the least bit heterosexual.”

Alex laughs again. “Don’t I know it.”

“So, very long story short, he hated Johnny and declared that only ex-girlfriends get to call him that when Francis and some of our other friends started picking it up, which limits its usage to me.”

“Good to know,” Alex says. Then, “Hey, baby, you good to go?”

“I’ve got a script to fill, but fuck that, the ER visit’s gonna cost me enough as it is.” That’s John, unmistakably, and Martha misses him terribly all at once.

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“It’s just pain stuff. It’s basically extra strength Advil, I’ll be fine without it.”

“Yeah, whatever, don’t think I’m not gonna call Mrs. W and get her opinion, because--”

“--are you on my phone?”

“Um.”

And then grunts and grappling and muttered curses and then, panicked, “Shit, Mattie?! How long have you been talking to him? What have you told him about me? What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, darling, Jo and I are late for drinks,” Martha says, grinning. “We can make up our FaceTime date tomorrow, yeah?”

“Mattie, I swear to fucking god--”

“I love you, Johnny!”

He’s still cursing when she hangs up. Jo’s staring at her, one-eyebrow raised, which gives her one last pang of missing John, who shares that genetic quirk.

“Does he get to give your girlfriends the same interrogation?” Jo asks.

“Well, I’ve not dated anyone seriously enough to find out, yet,” Martha says, grabbing her bag and shoving her mobile into the middle pocket.

“I’m sure you will soon,” Jo says, squeezing her arm and leading the way out of the flat and down to the street.

“I’m sure I will,” Martha mutters glumly, watching Jo leave for one long, miserable second before she grabs her coat and follows.

#fic by me #hamilton #lams #alexander hamilton #martha manning #they call themselves the trash of the thing #replies

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lifescominguproses · 7 years

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TJLC Thoughts

Ok so..... I know I’m not a TJLC blog (even though the only reason I come on tumblr nowadays is to look at the tag ha) but I need to vent and process...... because I literally feel like I’m going insane. So bear with me lovelies, (this shit’s gonna be long and probably full of grammatical errors).

I absolutely love Sherlock, have done for awhile, even though I didn’t get into it as soon as it came out. I knew about Johnlock and TJLC way before I started watching, and didn’t really think much of it at the time. Then.... (there’s always a but) it became everything. I was obsessed. I not only loved the show because of its mystery and brilliant writing/plot lines, but also because of the obvious, heart-wrenching, all-consuming love between Sherlock and John.

Of course I saw it. Of course I thought “how can these two brilliant characters not be totally and utterly in love with each other?” I’ll admit, sadly, that I was the only one in my family who saw it that way. Does that make me smarter than them in the context of watching the show? I have absolutely no idea. Because right now, in the lead up to TFP, I’ve never been so nervous, so unsure, and so disappointed.

Because, I’m now 99% convinced that the way we all saw it, was not the way the writers intended it to be seen at all. To us, it was obvious, they (JxS) were *in* love. Does anything else need to be said? Yes, yes it does. Although its a very ‘base - level’ example, I feel like I should point to the picture (randomly found, but felt extremely relevant to my poor obsessed brain).

Maybe this whole time we were looking *too* deep; reading into subtext when there really wasn’t any (although I’ll get to this in a minute, Moftiss you fucks.) This is essentially my first ‘meta’ so I’m just going to go ahead and ramble. Yes Johnlock is about friendship, and yes its even a romance. But in the context of the show, does it really matter which one prevails? Can’t a relationship feel like both without the need for sex? Could John and Sherlock really be ‘soulmates’ and ‘life partners’ that don’t feel the need to “have sex or make out on the couch” every night? Because I feel like that's what Moftiss was trying to tell us all along; that we were being too ‘pedestrian’ (can’t think of another word so eh) when we should have been using ‘higher - level thinking’. (I have a feeling the whole “it is what it is” comes into it here, but im way too tired to go into that ahah).

Now, as much as this is what I believe is truly going on, I absolutely fucking hate it. Of course as Johnlock shippers we want them to be explicit in their love. And for some of us this means said “making out on the couch” scenes need to be shown. But after reading practically everything to do with TJLC, Moftiss and TFP spoilers, I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen. What I think WILL happen, is that we’ll keep seeing exactly what we have been seeing, which to us appears spectacularly obvious yet annoyingly ambiguous at the same time. That is, we’ll keep seeing them pining over each other when they’re apart (even because it’s their own choice *cough* John Watson *cough*), we’ll keep seeing them saving each other from the danger that is their lives, we’ll keep seeing them spiral into depression without the other one around to help, we’ll keep seeing declarations of love masked by words like “mate”, we’ll keep seeing them choose each other again and again. Because that’s just the way it is between them, they know it, the writers know it, and even we know it. We just wanted *it* to be different. We just wanted *it* to be shown in a different, more explicit, way. To the writers it doesn’t even need explaining.

Now onto my brief (hahah yea right) “fuck you moftiss rant.”

WHY THE EVER-LOVING FUCK CAN’T IT BE SHOWN THE WAY WE WANT?! Every single adaption of Sherlock Holmes has the same relationship aesthetic. The “John and Sherlock against the rest of the world” type thing is literally fucking everywhere. It’s even in the fucking video games. I mean, I get it. I get that you guys wanted to keep this part of the story alive, its great, it’s beautiful and it warms our hearts. But it is supposed to be a modern adaption after all. And you know what one of the biggest fucking modern issues is? Yeah you guessed it, LGBTIQ rights. Now, I should probably point out here that I am completely 100% straight. I’m a girl that likes guys and all that shit. But I live in a country where where same-sex marriage isn’t a reality (my hatred for that fact is a whole other point) and where same sex couples get treated differently to those in hetero-sexual relationships (seriously, fuck you Australia).

Now I know it’s highly unlikely that moftiss were to ever intentionally queer bait us, being the type of people I think that they are, but man they didn’t think some things through. I know in the first season/s the constant questioning and subtext over John and Sherlock’s sexuality (”confirmed bachelor”, “will you be needing two bedrooms”, “isn’t really my area,” “I’m not actually gay”..... ffs moftiss really?!) was meant to be both an outlet for humor and a throw-back to TPLOSH. But come on! Like seriously! At some point a repeated joke stops being funny! If they didn’t intend for it to mean anything in the grand scheme of the show, why continue to use it as a plot device? Obviously to some people (like my parents) it was just a joke; a running gag if you will, that wasn’t meant to be read into (I’m not sure whether I pity or envy you lot). Why would moftiss put all this effort into making us question John and Sherlock’s sexuality (ahem Irene fucking Adler) just to disregard it in the end? I seriously don’t even know. Maybe just to show that Sherlock really is human after all? Yeah I got no clue.

Now, onto TFP.

To me, going along this whole “we’re being too pedestrian” theory, the “love conquers all” thing is actually pretty simple. Love will conquer all, but we’re not talking love in any sort of specific sense here. We’re talking in pretty general terms. I feel like the massive climax to this episode (and apparently the whole show) will be to explain Sherlock. That is, we’ll see his past and his (probably) traumatic childhood where some shit happened with the siblings and Sherlock became an emotionally repressed drug addict because of that. We’ll essentially be seeing the reason as to why Sherlock is the way that he is. Of course love’s going to come into that. My bet is that ‘love’ in whatever sense of the term, will be the thing to save Sherlock and everyone else in the end. He’s finally going to allow himself to love (in whatever way) after being an emotionally repressed idiot for so long. Therefore, I’m betting the iconic “I Love You” is damn important, just not in the way we want it to be.

Now, I don’t know exactly how any of that will make ‘lets make television history’, ‘insane wish-fulfillment’, etc make any sense. I mean sure, Mycroft or Molly or John or even Sherlock could die, Moriarty could come back from the dead, he could even be related to Sherlock and have been playing a ‘long game’ since their childhood (although Moriarty and Sherlock related would actually be really freaking cool in terms of the story). I’ve got these thoughts and more going through my head as to what could possibly be the “plot reason” for all of moftiss’s promotional spiel. It’s going to be different for everyone as to what ‘makes television history’. So lets be honest, moftiss are probs just laying it on too thick ahah.

I mean, I’d love Johnlock to happen in the way that we want it to. I’d die if he said “I love you” to John, I’d probably explode if they kissed. But its just not going to happen that way. Honestly, even if it did, wouldn’t it just take away from every other single aspect of the episode? Wouldn’t the most important part of this episode be the mystery? (aka, Sherlock’s backstory arc etc)? If Johnlock happened in this episode, it would be the only thing every single viewer (shipper or not) would be thinking about. Shippers would be going nuts, non-shippers would just be confused as hell for the rest of the show.

Yes, they could do Johnlock at the end in the “apparently missing 4 minutes” (credits, people) after everything’s resolved, but again it would be the only thing people remember. Is that what moftiss want’s the audience to remember more than anything else? I don’t think that it is.

I know they’re giant freaking liars and we shouldn’t trust absolutely anything that they say, but going on the countless times where they basically shut us all down (they could have done that in a nicer way tbh and I’m frankly pissed off about that), I’m not betting on explicit Johnlock at all. I mean, to them, its already been done.

I could be completely wrong.God, I hope I’m completely wrong. I just don’t want to be disappointed. Because I already feel soul-crushingly disappointed and it sucks. The whole show is doing my head in and I just want some bloody answers. So yeah, this is my way of trying to make sense of everything’s that been stuck in my head for the past few weeks, and it may not make any sense to you guys at all. Just thought I’d put it out there.

By the way if anyone out there has anything to add I’d love to hear, I’d love to discuss..... I Haven’t really actively gotten into the fandom until now but I’ve observed from the outside and I must say, I freaking love you guys, and I live off fanart and fanfiction! :D xoxo

#tjlc #johnlock #sherlock #bbc sherlock #moftiss #tfp #the final problem #johnlock doubts #im in sherlock hell #save me #tjlc meta #sherlock meta #johnlock meta #fandom hell

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irrevocablygay · 7 years

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1-50?

HOLY MOTHER OF HELL. this is…i can’t decide if it’s not cool or awesome, but i’ll get back to you. anyway —- here it goes.

1: What are you wearing?

t-shirt and sweatpants (it’s like 9 pm here, don’t judge me)

2: Ever been in love?

yes

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

ooooohhhh yeah

4: How tall are you?

5′10

5: How much do you weigh?

currently, about 210 ish (it’s been about a week since i weighed, but i’ve lost almost 40 pounds in the last two/three months so THAT’S HELLA AWESOME FOR ME)

6: Any tattoos do you want?

theres a SHIT ton of tattoos i want —- i’m actually going to get one this weekend. but i want rainbow birds along my collar bone bc im hella gay ; a tribal sea turtle on my back left shoulder ; a pieces sign on my right upper bicep (a tribute to my best friend who died in 2013 - that was her astrological sign) and an infinity on my inner left wrist (like lexa’s – i know, it’s dorky af but i LOVE the design). eventually, i want to get a phoenix spanning across my entire back, but that will probably be a long time coming. a wolf….somewhere. i haven’t decided on a design yet because wolf tattoos are HELLA cliche and i want mine to be unique, but they’re my favorite animal and i share a lot of personality traits with them.

CONT. BELOW THE CUT (there’s too much shit not to read more tbh)

7: Any piercings that you want?

i’d like to get my ears pierced two more times. i’ve fiddled with the idea of a tongue piercing a couple times but i doubt i’ll ever go through with it.

8: OTP?

clexa ; xena x gabby ; alice x claire (resident evil movies) ; supercorp

9: Favorite Show?

um…i’d have to go with ‘wynonna earp’ at the moment. i used to love the 100 but, heh, that’s long past XDD

10: Favorite bands?

oh dear god where do i start. skillet ; imagine dragons ; within temptation ; mayday parade ; linkin park (their old school stuff, tho) ; florida georgia line (do they count as a band?) ; hootie & the blowfish ; journey ; cold play ; pink floyd ; bon jovi ; cheap trick ; hollywood undead ; avenged sevenfold —– i could go on and on tbh

11: Something you miss?

my best friend ; lexa XD ; old friends ; smoking ; lots of things i probably shouldn’t

12: Favorite song?

at the moment, i’m currently obsessed with ‘wings’, by birdy. that will probably change in a week. if i HAD to pick an all-time favorite song, it’d probably be ‘hotel california’ by the eagles or ‘forever yours’ by journey

13: How old are you?

14: Zodiac sign?

sagittarius

15: Hair Color?

medium brown

16: Favorite Quote?

“Some people say the truth is overrated; that it’s easier to get what you want with lies and deception. This is not the case. Truth is defined as a fact, an actuality or a reality. Truth is not open for interpretation. If you gain something with lies then there is no doubt you will not be able to keep it. If there is no way of getting something without lying then it is not worth having. Truth is the only way forward, even if it is what leaves us vulnerable and weak; it is also what makes us strong”

17: Favorite singer?

there is literally no answer to this. i can’t pick. it’s too hard

18: Favorite color

cerulean blue

19: Loud music or soft

it honestly depends on my mood. sometimes i love to jam out to loud rock music. sometimes, it’s soft, serene songs with great lyrics. others, it’s strictly instrumentals, like movie scores or orchestra tracks, piano melodies. whichever.

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?

my mom. sometimes my best friend’s grave. others it’s the open field not far from my house — i go there and watch the stars

21: How long does it take you to shower?

10-20 minutes.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

ten minutes tops, if i know what i’m wearing

23: Ever been in a physical fight?

yes. a few.

24: Turn on?

being straddled ; her wearing nothing but my shirt ; neck kisses/bites ; dirty talk ; unf.

25: Turn off?

feet ; body odor / bad personal hygiene ;

26: The reason I joined Tumblr?

a friend talked me into joining the rp scene

27: Fears?

like…physical fears or existential fears? um…roaches. i hate the little bastards ; losing my mom / nephews / niece / family in general (but especially them) ; being cheated on / never being good enough (blame my heartless ex for that one lol)

28: Last thing that made you cry?

man in the iron mask. that movie fucks me up.

29: Last time you cried?

few days ago

30: Meaning behind your url

it means unconquered in latin

31: Last book you read?

white mare’s daughter by judith tarr

32: Last song you listened to?

‘words’ by birdy. or ‘it’s only love’ by heather nova. one of those tbh --- i can’t remember which, but they’re the two songs stuck in my head, so it was definitely one of the other.

33: Last show you watched?

supernatural

34: Last person you talked to?

alex

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

friends

36: Favorite food?

that is an impossible question.

37: Place you want to visit?

ROME. i’ve wanted to go there since before i can remember. i’m obsessed with roman history.

38: Last place you were?

as in, besides my own state? florida.

39: Do you have a crush?

yes

40: Last time you kissed someone?

i really prefer not to think about it tbh.

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it?

i....honestly can’t remember? i mean, like a ligit insult. i joke around with my friends and shit, but that’s all in fun. it’s been a while since i’ve been seriously insulted

42: What color underwear are you wearing?

steel grey boxer briefs

43: What color shirt are you wearing?

grey as well.

44: What color bottoms are you wearing?

black

45: Wearing any bracelets?

one

46: Last sport you played?

volleyball about a week ago with a few friends

47: Last song you sang?

because i’m now singing it out loud, ‘it’s only love’ by heather nova

48: Last prank call you remember doing?

about a week ago, actually XDD to be fair, we’d had a couple bottles of wine between us, so... XDD

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

yesterday.

50: Favorite movie

GAH I CAN’T PICK. man in the iron mask ; gladiator ; braveheart ; dragonheart ; pitch perfect ; star wars ; the list goes on and on

#Anonymous #lux things #about #me

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