#ily all even if you only write the most depressing shit ever
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~The Unknowns~
Character introduction
Okay, I haven't written anything about my band in a week because I'm at my parents at the moment. So, I want to introduce them to you. (Also I have finally learned how to do the show more thing lol)
Read the the story synopsis and introduction here
Tw: mention of drug use, mention of child abuse
Unknowns name came from a idea from Baz that it would become ironic after they would become famous. That saying itself would become ironic after the band quit because if covid.
The first picture is how the oerson looked line durong the band time, second after. Baz has one because they haven't changed at all. Elena has one because... well she wasn't in the band.
Baz Jones
Age: 22
Pronouns: they/them
Sexuality: lesbian
Relationship status: in a relationship with Caro for 7 years
Role in the band: singer
MBTI: ENFP
Sign: Leo
Spotify top 5
1. David Bowie
2. Prince
3. Fleetwood mac
4. Abba
5. Queen
Baz comes from a rich family bot doesn't want to admit it. Their parents are succeful lawyers and their grandfather was a bassist for a locally famous rockstar. Baz has idolized his grandfather ever since they were little. After his passing, Baz wanted to make their grandfather proud.
Unknowns was their child, a band they could make them famous. After covid forced Unknowns to break up, they didn't know what tp do. Only thing they wanted to do ia to be a rockstar. So, they were locked inside their home for two years, living off their parents money, hoping some form of miracle would happen to get the band back together. Instead they got a wedding invitation to their best friends wedding.
Fun facts
-they have a guitarr that they nicknamed Bowie
-Their biggest idol is David Bowie and their Grandpa
-they won a song writing competition when they were 12
Caroline "Caro" Edwards
Age: 23
Pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: Bisexual
Relationship status: in relationship with Baz (7 years)
Role in the band: bassist
MBTI: ESFP
Astrological sign: Scorpio
Spotify top 5
1. Palaye Royale
2. The Runaways
3. Bikini kill
4. Stevie Nicks
5. Rolling Quartz
Caro's life has been rough to say the least. Most of her family are in jail or selling drugs at this moment. Caro was forced on that crowd too, until one night, after her biological left her in a freezing cold after getting too high, Aiden Edwards, upper classmate from her school, found her almost passed out. Caro became Edwards that day after Aiden's family adopted her.
After Covid hit, Caro didn't want to look from the side when everything was going to shit. So, while her partner was depressed, Caro organized protests, charity galas, or anything that could help people, leaving behind her dream of becoming a musician with her partner.
Fun facts
-she has a purple bass nicknamed Prince
-Her birth family's last name was Engelmann
-she has four biological brothers and two biological sisters but she doesn't concider them family.
-she is a secret kpop fan (I will tell her biases if anyone asks)
Noelle "Noel" Adams
Age: 23
Pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: pansexual
Relationship status: engaged
Role in the band: Guitarist
MBTI: doesn't beliave in that shit (but ENFJ)
Astrological sign: Aquarius
Spotify top 5
1. Arctic Monkeys
2. Måneskin
3. Paramore
4. My chemical Romance
5. Killers
When Noel was in high school, she was the coolest person at least Baz had ever met. Noel smoked, got detension and cpuld play the most sickest guitarr riff they had ever heard. Noel and Baz were the chaos duo who wanted to become the next Paul Mccartney and John Lennon. It never became true.
After Noel got into a university and the Unknowns broke up, Noel didn't know what to do. Thankfully, she met Lee Chan, a palentheology student living in her campus. Soon enough, Noel was in love. Without a second thought, she got engaged even tough she wowed to never get married when she was in high school. Love can make you do weird things.
Fun facts:
-if you get the joke about her future husband, ily
-She is also a painter
-she is majoring in music production, minoring in computer science
Ivy Vance
Age: 21
Pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: omnisexual
Relationship status: single
Role in the band: drummer
MBTI: ISTP
Astrological sign: Libra
Spotify top 5
1. Neighbourhood
2. Mother mother
3. Lana Del Rey
4. Lorde
5. Mitski
Ivy had a very sheltered home life. Her parents were extreamly religious and taught Ivy to do the same. After leaving home, Ivy had a hard time getting to know people. Thankfully, she found friends in upper classmated from her highschool who made her join their band.
After band broke up and she had to go to a lockdown, Ivy didn't know what to do. She speant most of her day online in different forums. Soon enough she was wrapped up in conspirasy theories and couldn't leave home.
Fun facts:
-not really anything for her yet
-she loves podcasts
-she is a film nerd
Aiden Edwards
Age: 25
Pronouns: he/him
Sexuality: asexual
Relationship status: dating Elena (for 1 year)
Role in the band: Manager, heneral helping hand
MBTI: ISFJ
Astrological sign: Libra
Spotify top 5
1. Florenca and the machine
2. Charli XCX
3. Shawn Mendes
4. Taylor Swift
5. Celine Dion
If Aiden's honest, he has never been into music. He just got roped into her sister's dream, which is how he mostly does things. They do everything together, which sometimes gets difficult, espcially when Aiden meets a girl he really likes.
Every since Aiden started talking about Elena, Caro has been on edge. Aiden knows it's because of Caro's past, but it doesn't make Aiden's feelings less valid.
Fun facts:
-Caro roasts his music taste so much
-all of his siblings are adopted
-is in school to become a teacher
Elena Thompson
Age: 24
Pronouns: she/her
Sexuality: asexual
Relationship status: dating Aiden (for 1 year)
MBTI: INFP
Astrological sign: Pisces
Spotify top 5
1. Taylor Swift
2. BTS
3. Doja Cat
4. Ive
5. Ariana Grande
Elena is an absolute sunshine. She loves to wear colorful dresses, flowers and everything nice. She tries to be positive, even tough it's hard sometimes. She feels pain every time someone hates her.
Elena met Aiden on Tinder. He tolder her first thing about Caro and her situation. She tries her best to get Caro to like her but it feels impossible when Caro is the most stubborn person you ever meet. Elena still tries, how long as it takes.
Fun facts:
-she is a trans woman
-She is a huge kpop fan (i have biases to her. I'll tell them if someone asks)
-she is a good dancer
#theunknownswip#writeblr#writers on tumblr#writing#character intro#charavter introduction#wip introduction#character introduction#fictional band#kpop#rock#indie
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Hiii, I love your work and I love you! I was wondering how you would classify the members if they were a part of the fic community here. What would they write? What genre, what length, what style? Or maybe, what would their blogs be like? Who do they hang out with? How do they manage their writing? What is their attitude/approach? Throwing darts here to see what sticks haha! MWAH ily
NCT Writeblr. Tag yourself, I am none of them because I am perfect and entirely unrelatable.
Taeil - Wrote three chapters of the most well-written, in depth fic you’ve ever read. Promised to continue the series and then never logged on again so you will always be kept in limbo wondering what exactly happens.
Johnny - Has dedicated himself to writing only the most niche fics you can possibly imagine, executes them well, but people still only follow him because they think he’s funny.
Taeyong - Promises to write all of his mutuals a story and then never follows through so he is always going to have this regret hovering over his head until he dies and there is nothing he can do about it except just write the damn stories but he has built them up so much in his mind that now he’s terrified to write even a single word so he just sits in a state of paralysis and plays Genshin Impact like it’s giving him oxygen.
Yuta - Only writes a/b/o and will entertain nothing else. Has exactly zero time for criticism and will block you in a split second if you so much as point out a grammatical error.
Kun - Cross posts to literally every website imaginable, including Facebook, because he has no patience or time for plagarism.
Doyoung - Prefaces every story with a passive aggresive ‘Don’t like it don’t read it :)’. You think he might be cyberbullying you (he is).
Ten - Constant shitposts and you think because of all the sarcasm his stories would be angsty or something but it’s just straight up fluff every single time
Jaehyun - Cries every time someone unfollows him and reblogs a lot of concerningly depressing moodboards.
Winwin - Posts one amazing story once, gets a flood of attention immediately and then disappears from the platform for months until he just pops up one day randomly saying he's quitting.
Jungwoo - Has 15 separate blogs and interacts between them like he’s creating his own weird universe. No one knows about it.
Lucas - His writing is terrible but he’s so nice that you feel bad even trying to help him fix it so you just let him do his thing and hope he improves
Xiaojun - Nothing ever shows in the tags for him and he is one story away from just throwing his laptop in the river
Mark - Is in 50 collabs and doesn’t really know how that happened but he’s too awkward to tell people he wants to leave the collab so he just writes until he collapses from exhaustion and disappears from tumblr for a week.
Hendery - Writes the weirdest shit and is just straight vibing. Didn’t even realise notes were a thing.
Renjun - Is he here to write or is he just here to pick fights both with anons and with other blogs? Who knows. Oh wait he just posted a 8k size kink fic nevermind...
Jeno - Actually helpful mutual that writes well and offers advice but has a severe lack of confidence in his own writing so he’s constantly on hiatus. 600 different drafts but never seems to get any of them written.
Haechan - Picks fights with Renjun over anon everyday in between working on his “magnum opus”. (it’s a 60k fic with Renjun as the main character. He gets murdered at one point in it, it’s a whole thing)
Jaemin - Runs the world’s most chaotic Discord server and somehow still manages to crank out 50k smut fics. Writes only in binges after consuming three iced coffees
Yangyang - Offers to beta read for you but really he’s just roasting your writing in his Discord chat
Shotaro - Is up to speed on all of the trends and writes them with almost alarming quickness.
Sungchan - He’s the mutual that seems like he has it all together. Organised, everything is laid out well, sticks to deadlines. Everything seems fine until he disappears out of the blue one day and all of his mutuals immediately recieve messages wondering where the hell he went.
Chenle - Has infiltrated 5 different friend groups, is in all of the Discord chats, and hoards information for future blackmail. Does he do any actual writing? That’s up for debate.
Jisung - Deactivated last week and he has never been happier.
#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct reactions#nct fluff#nct 127 imagines#nct dream imagines#wayv imagines#nct 127 scenarios#nct dream scenarios#wayv scenarios#nct 127 reactions#nct dream reactions#wayv reactions#nct memes
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BABE U WRITE FOR SALLY FACE?? Anything with Travis (male s/o with him obviously) or Sally please :O your writing is amazing!!
YES I DO !! i used to have a bunch of wips i still haven’t finished but i figured i can still add sf to my list since it was such a comfort game when it came out haha. as per usual, this isn’t beta read, i fucked the formatting up twice but just squint when you notice any errors- also thank you love <3 i‘d give you a free bologna sandwich for requesting trav ily. 100% beef obviously /winkwonk
fabric
•warning: abuse, religious guilt, homophobia and f-slur use, bad first kisses, badly written fluff, travis being travis
Travis was meant to live a life molded for him by his father. The pattern was already placed on the fabric when his first cry shook the hospital room at 6:33am. He was supposed to be cut from his father‘s mold but Travis‘ fabric was already old and frayed, the intertwining strings of muted tones that held him together felt lose by the time he could run. Sometimes he thought about the reason why he was incomplete. His fabric wasn‘t strong enough to hold his family name, not stretchy enough to bounce back from his father‘s reactions. Travis‘ mother patched him up every time there was another bruise on his back or face. She would cut parts out of her own fabric to cover the ripped strings her husband‘s belt left on their son. But she had only so much left when the beatings got worse.
Travis was in middle school, attending a christian summer camp a few hours away from Nockfell. He never noticed how different the air was at home but the sky was so murky compared to literally everywhere else. His father thought it was a good idea to let the boy out of town while he took care of the Ministry business which was code for something Travis shouldn‘t stick his nose into. He never asked but someone went missing while he was gone. Tragic.
Not as tragic as the camp counselor calling Travis home on their last day. The boy didn‘t know about that but they told his father about some inappropriate behavior his son showed with a fellow camper - a boy his age, Kenneth didn‘t care for the name or where he was from. All he needed to know was what his son did with that boy. The counselor tried to calm the angry parent on the phone but as soon as the information was exchanged the line went dead. He didn‘t want to hear the washed up excuses. His son was young and it was best to get these urges out of his system before they could even develop - dig for the deepest root you could find and rip it from the still fresh ground before it bloomed into something ugly, even if that meant that the garden would never bloom at all. Kenneth was a man of action after all.
That evening Travis came home clueless while his father already stood in the hallway with his wife behind him, holding onto his hand and uttering whispered quick prayers but his thick fingers already curled around the leather painfully hard. The strain it caused in his hand only fueled the need for a release as he charged for his son who didn‘t even have the chance to slip out of his worn sneakers.
That evening his mother didn‘t stay when Kenneth told her to go to bed early. Travis asked himself if it pained her the same way it pained him when his skin split under the force his father put in his first few strikes.
“You want to hold hands with boys now?“
“My son isn‘t a faggot, is that clear?“
“I gave you a place in this filthy town. You will appreciate it and live a proper life!“
“You will thank me when you don‘t burn for being dirty.“
It wasn‘t meant for Travis to answer because by the end of the night he would not even think about a boy‘s hand to be soft and warm anymore.
Travis was older now but he never found enough of anything to mend the damage his father did that night. Travis didn‘t try to explain that he held onto the boy because they figured that they wouldn’t slip on the wet mud that way. Instead he kept quiet about it ever happening and his father was content with this as long as he pulled his son from the devil‘s path to sodomy.
And Travis thought so too until a thread of blue fabric pulled together a gaping hole in his fabric. It stuck out like a sore thumb - too vibrant but warmer than any patch his mother gave to him and when he sat on the grimy bathroom floor in school after Sal Fisher of all people gave him a fucking pep talk, it felt nice. The warmth let his tears evaporate so he could pull himself together for the rest of the day.
But it was short lived. The warmth spread through him so fast he felt like burning up whenever he sat in class with Sal. He tried everything to get that blue thread out of his life but pulling on it only felt like strangling himself and he regretted ever letting his bully persona slip in that bathroom just because Sal fucking Fisher found the note he threw away - the note that was about him but Travis never had it in himself to tell him that. He regretted his promise to be less of an asshole because he knew he couldn‘t. Not even three days later the heat in his belly was so hot that he boiled over when he saw Fisher talking to that ginger nerd by the lockers. He ended up calling him a faggot because how dare he be openly gay in the same town Kenneth Phelps lived? How dare he be happy like this?
Sal tensed at the insult. Did he actually think Travis could be better? And why was his freakshow friend not hurt at the insult when it still burned in his throat to say it? Why did it feel like the slur wasn‘t meant for Todd at all? Travis swallowed hard as he fled the hallway in such a hurry that the three folded up pamphlets in his barely zipped up backpack fell on the muddy vinyl flooring.
“Fuck, Phleps. Just wait. Travis!“ The boy in question tucked at his collar as he turned a corner just to slip into another empty corridor. They had a free period right after gym class and Sal Fisher was determined to finally talk to the boy who relentlessly bullied him to now avoid him like it was the other way around. “Jesus, I‘m not gonna pry but if your dad-“ Sally harshly bumped into Travis as he whipped around, finally coming to a stop. Shame crawled up the taller teen‘s neck when he didn‘t find the prosthetic nose digging into his sweater uncomfortable.
“Shut up! God, just stop!“ Sal was surprised that he would use his Lord‘s name in vain like that and if the situation was anything but this he would‘ve laughed. “Travis, I don‘t know how you feel but-“, Sal tried again but Travis was at his limits this time. “You don‘t and you never will, Fisher. Your dad would accept you being a dirty faggot but mine doesn’t!“ He tried to fill his words with venom but it all bounced back on the guy‘s mask anyway with how much his voice actually trembled.
There was a moment of silence that made Travis want to literally get struck by his God‘s angry lightning. He couldn‘t even leave. It was like all the root his father dug out slowly crawled back to feed on his shame and ground him in front of Sal who still had to react and maybe Travis should just tell him to fuck off so he wouldn‘t have to find out what he wanted to say next.
“Travis...“ Sal lowered his voice in a fake moment of privacy. “Are you-?“ Travis already shut his eyes as he clenched his fists. He didn‘t like where this was going but there was no more fight in him. “Nevermind. You don‘t owe me shit but I saw your back.“ Travis exhaled through his mouth until there was nothing left in his lungs. He knew where that question was headed. Are you gay, Travis? Are you the faggot and that‘s why you‘re so angry? He was glad that Sal changed his approach because even Travis himself was too scared to find the answer.
“So what, Sally Face? You‘re sticking your nose somewhere it doesn’t belong. If you even have one under that stupid mask.“ Travis harshly pushed his index finger into the boys chest and the sharp inhale he made almost made him freeze up and apologize. But he couldn‘t. He was too deep to go soft now. The look in Sal‘s eyes was enough to make Travis finally stumble backwards and push past him.
He didn‘t follow him this time.
His verbal fights with Sal Fisher were like a damn wake up call for the teen. The rush of warmth it spread in his chest and the cold shiver in sent down his spine were shaking his body every time. He started noticing that Nockfell wasn‘t that murky. Travis used to really like yellow as a child because it reminded him of his mother’s favorite sunflower dress. She was a different woman now. The vibrant yellow was fading just like her hair. Maybe it was just Nockfell, maybe it was because of her suffocating husband draining her of her life and slowly unraveling her fabric. It didn‘t matter now but to make a depressing story short, Travis didn‘t have a favorite color anymore.
But the sky looked like a pretty shade of blue on some days. He never noticed but his bathroom tiles had blue specks in them. He always thought they were just a weird grey. There were tiny flowers blooming in the most vibrant blue behind the school and he wished that they were behind the church too but nothing ever grew around that building. But he would pluck them sometimes when he was skipping gym class. His last fight in the empty hallway was weeks ago and he hoped that Sal finally gave up on his savior complex. But why did his chest sting at that thought? His fingers slowly clutched his sweater as he stared at a withering flower by his foot. Travis jumped out of his thoughts when the metal door creaked open.
“Yo.“ Sal pushed the door closed with his shoe as he held up a hand to casually greet him. His face scrunched up. “What do you want?“ Travis lowered his head again. The boy obviously noticed the fresh shiner on his face already but facing him still felt like he exposed himself. “Just wanted to confirm that the church boy was skipping class.“ Uninvited, the teen sat beside Travis on the grass, with a healthy distance of course. “Shut up. My faith has fuck all to do with school“, Travis spoke lowly but his voice was tired. Sal just hummed in agreement before silence draped over them. Not uncomfortably like the usual strained void of reactions when one of them dropped something they weren‘t prepared for. It felt ok like this and it felt like a blanket. To Travis that blanket was soft and blue but before he could shake it off and stand up there were strings of the obnoxious fabric already weaving themself into his personal space.
“We don‘t have to fight all the time.“ Sal didn‘t look at him and neither did Travis. He really didn‘t have a reason to disagree. Not one that wouldn’t blow his cover at least.
“Maybe I could come to your little church and-“ Travis head snapped up. “Don‘t“, he blurted out a little louder than he meant. “It‘s a joke. I‘m not religious.“ Sal snorted, plucking a few pieces of grass. “Yeah, because you‘re a sinner in the eyes of the Lord. You f-“ Travis had to physically stop himself by biting his lip. Sal looked over at him and Travis wished he didn‘t. “Sorry“, Travis mumbled, refusing to meet his eyes, or eye since he was pretty sure his other eye never moved before. “I‘m trying to not call people that anymore.“ because all I hear is my father saying it.
“It‘s cool.“ It wasn‘t. “Why are you skipping?“ Travis huffed. It was weird to not let the conversation derail into verbal abuse. “I don‘t know. I fell. Hit my head on the door pretty bad. As you can see.“ Sal just hummed. “That‘s why you‘re limping, too?“ Travis blurted out a “yes“ a little too fast. Why was he nervous? His whole school life already revolved around cover up stories about the strange aches and bruises he got out of nowhere.
“Right.“ Sal let it slide, again. “You‘re acing algebra, Fisher.“ It wasn‘t a question so Sal didn‘t say anything. “Hmm.“ Travis cursed himself for never learning proper social skills but his father didn‘t like him bringing strangers into the house and his teen years were a constant feeling of push and pull of picking fights with boys that sparked an ugly tingle in his belly.
“You need a tutor?“ The silence seemed to be enough for Sal. Fuck him and his open fucking hand. “Maybe.“ Travis flicked a flower with his finger, dismissing the clear offer because his stomach ignited at the fact that Sal didn‘t hate him enough yet. “Maybe there is a tutor in Addisons Appartement, Room 402, who‘s free on the weekend.“ Sal couldn‘t help but smile under his mask as Travis huffed. “Fuck you, Fisher.“
Sal already forgot about his offer when lunch passed and his dad stood in the kitchen, washing their dishes, enjoying the background noise of his son watching TV with his cat. They were so engrossed in the VHS tape Sal put on that he didn‘t hear the door until his dad whistled from the kitchen. “Sally, door.“
“Huh? Oh. Yes, dad.“ He jumped to his feet, leaving Gizmo to the slasher movie he seemed to like. “Weird, Larry said he‘s busy“, Sal mumbled, opening the front door. “Oh.“ It was a knee jerk reaction from Sal because he expected everyone but Travis Phelps to knock at his door and truth be told, he looked like he‘d rather be anywhere else with the way his awkward greeting caught in his throat and died on his tongue as a huff. His eyes followed the way the blue strands hung over Sal‘s shoulders, the mask straps upsetting the smooth texture as a few chunks hung over the elastics. Travis hasn’t seen him with his hair down. He looked smaller in big sweatpants and a band shirt too.
“Travis?“ The boy‘s eyes snapped back to the mask in front of him. “So, algebra?“ Sal tilted his head a smidge. A small habit he picked up to better communicate what would otherwise be shown in his facial features. But it made Travis want to scream for a multitude of reasons as heat crept up his neck. “Obviously.“
Anyone else would‘ve told him to fix his tone or fuck off but Sal held open the door for him. It felt wrong but Travis took the invitation, rubbing his clammy hands on his pants. “Who is it?“, a deeper voice called and Travis almost jumped. He had to remind him this wasn‘t Kenneth. Mr Fisher wasn’t anything like his dad and he didn’t have to be on edge around the boy. “A friend“, Sal replied shortly, only getting an approving hum.
A friend. Did Sal see him as a friend? He couldn‘t dwell on it since he was pulled into the boy‘s bedroom that looked nothing like his. “Just sit anywhere.“ Sal wildly gestured into the room and Travis sat on the barely made bed as Sall dropped his books next to him.
Travis felt like there was something breathing down his neck the entire time they sat on Sal‘s bed. His shirt collar felt like it was about to cinch his neck closed, the dangling cross necklace he kept under his shirt felt hot to the touch like it burned the shape of Jesus into his chest with every sinful thought that crossed his mind as Sal explained the most bland and unerotic subject.
“Travis?“ The boy almost choked on his own spit.
“Romans 1:26-27.“ Travis stumbled over his own words but the verse was engraved into his head after writing and reciting it for a month straight under the stern eye of his father. There was a briefe silence for a moment.
“What?“ Sal looked up from the book in his lap.
“What?“ Travis felt breathless as he stared back at Sal. “Nothing“, he quickly added before Sal could even say anything else. “Explain that again?“ But he didn‘t. Instead, Sal pushed the book off his thigh, still staring the boy down. “Did you really come here for algebra, dude?“ No. “Yes.“ Travis fiddled with the hem of his shirt, not knowing if it was anxiety, anger or just bile scratching against his stomach lining to crawl out of him.
When Sal didn‘t say anything else Travis just reached over the boys lap to take the book himself but there was already a hand pressing against his shoulder. Travis hissed as he pulled his arm back, making Sal pull back just as fast. They stared at each other for a moment before Sal‘s gaze darted to his shoulder. “You fell pretty hard on that door.“ Travis clenched his jaw. “Shut up, Fisher, and back the fuck up.“
The boy shook his head, scooting away an inch. “Listen, you can say no because I would too but I can at least get you ointment for that.“ Sal gestured to his back and shoulder and something in Travis just crumbles as he lets his hands drop into his lap, staring them down to not look at Sal. “Ok. If it gets you off my back you parasite.“
Travis didn‘t plan this when he knocked on the apartment door. He expected to maybe stay 20 minutes before something would make him see red but all he saw was blue. Maybe he was cursed. All these years of plucking out the roots his father couldn’t reach were rendered worthless now that he sat on the rough carpet, holding his shirt up as Sal dug out the ointment.
How did he even get here? His heart beat in his throat when he felt a presence behind him. He felt the need to say something. He wanted to make it clear that this meant nothing to not make it weird but wouldn‘t that make it weirder? Wasn‘t this the same as his mother putting a bandaid on his cuts and whatever herbal mixture on his wounds? It wasn’t because he never felt the sick urge to kiss his mother.
“Ready?“, Sal asked, kneeling behind him with a glob of cool ointment on his index and middle finger. Fucking hell, why did he have to make it weird? He definitely had to say something now.
“It was my dad.“ Travis spoke fast enough to mutter his words but the long pause probably meant that Sal heard him anyway. He wanted to melt into the carpet, leave behind a stain on the boy‘s floor to annoy him just one last time. He didn‘t know what he expected him to say to that and he also didn‘t know why that was the thing he had to say. But Sal made it easy on him by just not answering at all. Instead, he dabbed the cream on the first bruise, making Travis inhale sharply but otherwise biting his tongue. Sal figured that Travis wanted to act tough by not showing that it hurt but actually, Travis didn‘t trust his voice under Sal‘s soft fingertips.
“Travis“, Sal spoke again. Travis wasn‘t sure if he hated the heavy silence more of the fact that Sal was the first to say something while he was rubbing little circles into his back. He didn‘t answer but that never held Sal back.
“Are you gay?“ His voice was so quiet that Travis wouldn‘t have heard it if they sat a little further apart but it had the same effect as screaming it for all of Nockfell to hear. Sal felt him tense up under his touch, already expecting him to jump up or at least yell at him. But neither of them did anything. Sal‘s fingers rested against the heating skin, feeling it rise with every ragged breath he managed to take. “Travis-“
“Fuck, Sal. What? Do you want me to tell you about the times my dad beat the gay out of me or do you prefer that time I wanted to kiss you in that gross fucking bathroom?“, the teen finally barked, letting his words sink in first before he hissed a quiet “shit“. The fingers on his back pulled away as Sal sat on his heels. “You wanted to kiss me?“, Sal repeated, slower than Travis but he just pressed the balls of his hands into his eyes until he saw shapes and felt like the pressure would crush his face. He heard Sal shuffle around the room, probably getting ready to throw him out like he should‘ve done a while ago. But the shuffling stopped in front of him and something told him not to look but cold hands were already on his wrists to peel his cramping hands from his face. Travis opened his eyes just in time to see that mask uncomfortably close but before he could say anything, there was an odd sensation on his lips with minimal pressure. Sal was kissing him and it snuffed the flame in his stomach for just a moment, allowing the torched butterflies to unfold their wings and fly high enough to even make his heart pump overtime. But the feeling was lost just as soon when Sal inched backwards, pulling his prosthetic back in place before Travis could even take any of this in.
“Sorry.“ Sal threw it into the room for Travis to interpret. But the gears in his head threatened to jump out of place already so he reached out to Sal who already flinched backwards, holding onto his mask. “You don‘t want that.“ Sal pushed his hand back a little. “How would you know?“ Travis furrowed his brows at him but he was thankful. He wasn‘t sure if he could take seeing the boy bare like that but he was craving that feeling his father tried to snuff so desperately.
Sal just shook his head as Travis inched closer. “I‘ll close my eyes.“ Now it was Sal‘s turn to hole up in silence, knowing that neither of them could handle the mask coming off. Something made him trust Travis‘ words as he opened the bottom clasp which was the cue for Travis to shut his eyes. He did and seconds later he felt Sal on him again. One hand clamping over his eyes just to make sure and the other fisting the front of his shirt.
This time Travis felt the cleft in Sal‘s lip and the scar tissue ripping up the soft skin. He leaned into the kiss. Where were his hands supposed to go? When Travis didn‘t find the answer his body moved on autopilot. One hand threaded through the surprisingly smooth strands as the other clung to the small of his back.
Travis should‘ve been grossed out by the drool pooling out of Sal‘s torn lip but he wasn‘t. He should be grossed out by Sal being a boy but he wasn‘t. When Sal pulled back he kept his hand over Travis‘ eyes while the other wiped the spit off his chin. The kiss alone was enough to patch up his murky fabric with bright blue strings that dominated the colors his father painted him in. Travis didn‘t know what would happen after high school. Hell, he didn‘t even know what would be tomorrow. But he didn‘t want the bright fibers to unravel him again.
A knock on the door startled both of them, making Sal pull his arm away and Travis rapidly blinking. He didn‘t notice the mangled face first as the unruly blue caught his eye. His hand did that. His heart beat in his throat again as he overheard Sal‘s father say something and Sal shooting a hum of agreement back. His prosthetic was already on his face again before Travis could catch anything besides the scar tissue crawling up his jaw and chin before splitting his lips and exposing teeth and gum.
Maybe blue was his favorite color.
#tw toxic family#tw abuse#tw religious trauma#tw slurs#sally face#travis phelps#sal fisher#travis phelps x sal fisher#travis phelps x sally face
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Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored
Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality
I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-
When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)
Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.
now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-
Jam out!
... I don't even know what to say to this
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mtmte liveblog issue 22
oooh man, its time to feel some EMOTIONS!
I'm BACK after a hiatus, which was due in part to me getting my 1st dose of the covid vaccine! woohoo!
anyways, starting here w/issue 22....we have a great cover w/thunderclash, the legend himself
oof. the covers made me forget how much I don't like the art this issue...I hate to be mean to the artists but this art style just isn't doin it for me chief
god I love this issue though. the framing device of rewind’s movie is so so fantastic
tailgate listing off all his fake awards/accomplishments....ily
rodimus my boy, you're a prime in my heart
the ‘not a decepticon’ label for cyclonus is so much hvbhkjfbskjf
I literally wanna comment on every single panel bc I love all the characters so much but then id be here forever...that being said whirl ily sm
hvbjdfbhsfjhdfshja BRAINSTORM ‘according to perceptor - ships genius’ hvhdkjhbfhjs ily dumb gay idiot
and then the cut to perceptor after brainstorm like, blew up his lab vjbkdsfnbksjf dude
GODDDDDD drift ‘your name...defines you. it’s your soul expressed in syllables. hm? oh, yes, sorry. it’s drift.’ GOD he’s so fucking funny. I love early story hippy drift
god I cant stop thinking about how good this whole issue would be as an animated show...like, specifically rewinds film, it would be SO FUCKING GOOOOOOD mtmte show WHEN
rewiiiiind ;_; I fuckgin love rewind god. fellow video editing enthusiast....
ohhhh rodimus being embarrassed about his big speech at the beginning of mtmte....my boy I love u so much
gjhnbgehjsrkfbjksf magnus being suspicious of rewind oh my god. magnus ily but please, look at the lil guy, he’s a good boy, most of the time
the fuckgin footage that magnus removed hbvhakjbfhskf god. wasn't that intended to be footage of magnus dancing? I love him
minibot squad.....
and here it begins, the mystery stick rung question...
poor rung oh my god he’s just trying to polish his lil spaceship and people r throwing shit at him. taking Ls as per usual it seems
hand grenade tag hvbfjksdnfbkjdf love that callback
noooo rungs ship :(
magnus’s censorship vhbhadkjfhdbhjsakjhfn
oh man I forgot about how they met that race of Transformers But More
the one-upsmanship hbvkajsbehfjks
whirrrrrl lmao I love whirl sm
goddddd whirl just killing that other alien and ending the 16 million yr long civil war bvkjsdbfhjjkafs so fucking much
oh god oh god the ‘are you happy’ page, I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this like, ever
but I will say I feel like it would be EVEN MORE oof if it were milne or someone drawing it bc I feel like this art style takes away from some of the impact bc the expressions aren't really that...expressive? idk how to put it
anyways. every single answer destroys me!!! like even the happy ones, like chromedome and rewind and tailgate - well, in present time, none of those three are doing so hot, so that makes this just hurt
and rung....that is so fucking depressing. jesus. this guy is so fuckng sad, somebody get him a friend stat
and swerve...ouch. this readthru I've really noticed how much early-mtmte swerve is not-so-subtly like, crying out for help bc he’s so alone and shit. jesus
also brainstorms response is just plain ole sad w/context, but at this point in the story without context, it just seems very foreboding lmao. I'm realizing this readthru that brainstorm is very sketchy and ominous in a particular ‘is he evil?’ mad scientist sorta way in early mtmte
and then everyone else is also just so OOF in their own unique sad ways, but I think the worst out of everyone is drift....GODDDDDD. especially considering that at this point in the story, drift is this kinda goofy hippy guy, so seeing him just sit there with his face in his hand, not even answering the question...AND knowing that shortly after this he’ll end up banished...IT FUCKING HURTS M8!
meanwhile, the more upbeat ‘quest to see rungs alt mode’ continues...with an ‘alt mode party’ vhbadkjsdfnabskjf it looks so silly with a bunch of cars just sitting around a table lmao
I cant even tell who everyone is bc they so rarely turn into cars n shit lmaoooooo
rodimus with the bucket on his head hbvhakjbfskjf I CANT
everyone’s reactions to thunderclash...i fucking love it
the fact that TAILGATE doesn't hate him, even though we’ve seen that tailgate tends to dislike people who are universally liked/who have achieved a lot of impressive things
rodimus you petty thot vbdkjbfdjhsakjdf ily
RODIMUS IS SO FUNNYYYYYY ‘I'm not making all these sacrifices and leading these guys into battle and being inspirational - I'm not doing that because it makes me look good’ RODIMUS VBHSKJDFNBKSJF
thunderclash talking about magnus’s article on typefaces....hdbksjfsdbkjgfb bro
AND THEN MAGNUS HUGS HIM....HGBSKJFDSHFKD I CANT
POOR DRIFT bvhajkdfbhjkjsfd rodimus saying he ‘rehabilitated him’ oh my god
the whole spectralism thing...im sorry I cant get over how funny all this is vbakdjfbksjf thunderclash rlly b out here charming rodimus’s entire crew
and then ratchet comes in, calling tc ‘thunders,’ and tc immediately notices ratchets new hands (somehow) hvbkjfhbskjf truly amazing
it cracks me up that rodimus is all 😒😒 at thunderclash, even though as we come to find out, tc really IS That Perfect, and him complimenting rodimus isn't sarcasm at all lmao
AND THEYRE LOOKING FOR THE KNIGHTS OF CYBERTRON TOO HVSDHFJBSHKHDFJS OF COURSE
the vis vitalis being a life support machine spaceship is a really cool concept tho
‘rescuing some orphans from an exploding sun’ I fucking cant
evil guy: [holds a gun to thunderclash’s head]
rodimus: :D finally something doesn't go his way!
he’s so petty I’m..........dkdjhfdabhduifadijgl
and its the aliens from earlier! oooh
GODDD I forgot that swerve used rung in mystery stick mode to SCHWACK the guy
rung casually dropping the fact that the functionists like, experimented on him...there's a lot of implications there, and that'll certainly be explored more later...
the fact that his ID card says ‘rong’ hvbhjakhdsbfakhsjfn
oughufadkfujbsfk the circle of light throwing wrenches n shit at skids...guys cmon vbhsdjkfnslfd
the circle of light is like ‘wtf you all have trauma and a bunch of weird unhealthy coping mechanisms this is wack byeeeee’ lmao
skids calling the lost light his home is rlly sweet tho
cant believe the religious space hippy cult is being so rude about a film made by a guy who died like a week ago. unreal
cd finally figured out how to make the pffft sound, good for him
AUGHHHHH the fact that rewind used ‘little victories’ as the title of the film and that's something that chromedome said in the video ;_; I'm fucking inconsolable
rodimus, despite his obvious posturing for the camera during the whole issue, comes off as surprisingly genuine when he says that he hasn't thought about his own future much, but wants the crew to have a happy ending....im gonna cry
‘who knows what's around the corner?’ tailgate, PLEASE don't say that, oh my god,
OUGHHHH GROUP SHOT
OHHH mannnnNNNNN i love this issue SO MUCH. what a good fun emotional rollercoaster wrap-up to mtmte s1. god.
like, this issue has it all - humor, drama, crippling sadness, intrigue, worldbuilding...it’s so excellent
and getting to see rewind again hurts so bad but also I love him
ok quick mtmte s1 retrospective...god s1 is so fucking good. I'm gonna have to read more to say which chunk of mtmte I liked best but s1 is so fucking excellent that it might be my favorite. though its hard to pick bc there's so much good stuff later on too...whatever, the point is s1 is so so good
the plotlines and characters are fucking stellar. like I cant even believe how well Everything works, its very impressive. I cant really think of anything major that made me go ‘yeah could've done without that plotline/character’
I love how dedicated jro is to connecting everything. I've mentioned it before but basically every single moment in the series has payoff - what you initially think is just a funny moment, or a fluffy character establishment bit, ends up ALSO being an important plot point later, in some way
an example would be here w/rung and his alt mode - it just seems like a fun little B-plot for this issue, and seems to pretty neatly conclude with the reveal that rung was eventually classified as an ‘ornament’ (lmao)...but we later on get to see a lot more about this, both here and in the functionist universe
and like, stuff like tailgate’s autobot lessons w/magnus - at first that can be seen as purely character establishment stuff, showing that magnus is a strict rule-lover and tg is a loveable try-hard good boy - but that becomes plot relevant in remain in light, with tailgate saving the day due to his knowledge of the autobot code (and its also character relevant, with magnus’s arc in remain in light).
and I know this is like. a normal regular thing in writing, but I'm just very impressed about how cleanly jro pulls it off, and how many things he’s juggling at once, especially in early mtmte - it’s very ambitious!
and we gotta remember, this is a comic book. I've read a lot of comic books, and the quality is all over the place. a lot of writers bite off more than they can chew, and the story ends up kinda scattered as a result.
another thing I see a lot in franchise writing like this is a lack of strong early character establishing due to the author assuming the readers are at least somewhat familiar with the characters already - which can be totally fair depending on where it is in the continuity, but other times it can come off as lazy
in mtmte, the cast is extremely well fleshed out, and not only that, the cast itself is unique in that there are a lot of relative unknowns (franchise-wise) - which I think was an absolutely brilliant move, because then jro was able to essentially create The Definitive Version of these characters - characters like swerve, brainstorm, chromedome, rewind, tailgate...mtmte is their baseline characterization, because they haven't really appeared in much else
this also allows for deviation from the franchise norms - again, a comic book classic is good writing being stifled by a need to stick to a certain status quo regard the characters, the world, the powers, relationships, etc
(I've mostly read DC comics, and some marvel, so I'm thinking superheroes w/all these comic comparisons)
so mtmte had a good recipe for genuine creativity in that the characters were relative unknowns, the plot was basically ‘space road trip,’ the status quo of ‘autobot vs decepticon war’ had been demolished throughout the entire franchise...so jro was able to take all that and run, and it turned out so fantastic
and luckily it isn't over yet! so many comics suffer from premature cancellation...and sadly mtmte/ll isn't exempt from this, as we’ll see later, but I've seen some awful ones, where comics are forced to wrap up in like 2 issues while in the middle of an arc. yikes.
but another comic staple...one of my least favorite things about comics books in general...something that was basically responsible for driving me away from comics after reading a bunch...the dreaded crossover event
yep, even mtmte isn't immune to this unfortunate plague on the comic industry. crossover events are the absolute worst, and I'm saying this as somebody who adores crossovers (in concept more than execution usually). they SHOULD be my favorite, but unfortunately they p much always completely suck
they're essentially a ploy to get you to read the other ongoing titles, but they usually only serve to bog down whatever story you're reading to the point where you don't even wanna read that one anymore, let alone read all the other ongoings. at least, that’s been my experience
it doesn't help that reading orders tend to be hard to find/keep track of, and that you need to go read the other series to know what's going on. I just hate it, like, I came here to read THIS series, I don't want a bunch of other series showing up too - even if I was reading two series, I wouldn't want them crossed over, because they're separate stories! augh!
I'm totally losing my focus here but my point is...crossover events suck, and mtmte unfortunately is involved in one. I have not read dark cybertron, and I'm not about to. I've heard nothing but bad things so I have no desire to inflict that upon myself
soooo ill be reading through the tfwiki articles for those issues to give myself a better understanding of what went on - which is more than I've ever done in the past - and maybe ill even make a single post summarizing my thoughts on what I read in the wiki, lmao
but yea ill be skipping to the mtmte s2 stuff next
phew ok I'm super tired, my vision keeps blurring out and stuff lmao. its time for bed, I probably have more thoughts but ill save them for later. for now...peace out!
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𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐢 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨 , beautiful people ! my name is lenny ( 22 , she/her , mst ) & i’m absolutely hyped to be joining this amazing group ! it’s honestly been a hot minute since i last rped in a group , but i truly cannot resist anything that my bbys stephy & leia come up with so here i am ! i’m bringing you my boy jayden , a completely new muse , but i’m really excited to develop him here . pls bare with me if whatever is below the cut is a mess , that’s just representative of my permanent state rn sjkdlhfs but i wanna plot with each & every one of you , so pls hmu ! give this post a like or slide into my dms , or u can reach me via d*sc*rd @ lenny the pooh#3088 ! ily all already , can’t wait to be a part of this group ✨
* 𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐠𝐨𝐬 here and do i have the tea for you . jayden is back in bridgehampton for the summer , living off the vincent’s family $670 million net worth . must be nice to come back home to the hamptons , i wonder what his fellow class of 2017 grads think of his return . you know , he was known around town as the vainglorious and for bhs senior superlatives he was crowned as most likely to punch you in the face . i wonder if that still holds true today , a lot can change when you go off to pace university and study commercial dance . either way , i bet he is still very steadfast , assured , truculent and heedless . hopefully this time next year the plans to dance professionally come true . in the meantime , i look forward to seeing him blast cross me - ed sheeran , chance the rapper , & pnb rock at every hamptons function . it’s going to be a wild summer home , welcome back .
alright so i’ll just drop some bullet points here that’ll tell u all about jay !
( tw : mention of suicide , drugs )
his father is one of the most well-known boxers around , but not for anything great : he was a major heavyweight champ in his early days but shortly after jayden was born his mother committed suicide after a really difficult struggle with postpartum depression , which was not aided by her concern for her husband’s dangerous and demanding career — after that , everything sorta went downhill for jay’s father .
he was caught in one of the biggest drug busts in new york history and went to prison , leaving 10 year old jay in the hands of his paternal grandparents in the hamptons , who already were more like parents to him than his father would ever be .
his grandfather was a big time boxer in his day ( then worked as a mentor to some other big names until his retirement ) , and his son’s troubles disappointed him because he wanted the vincent legacy to live on , so he started mentoring jayden to reclaim the family name in the boxing world .
for a while things went well and jay was into the whole boxing thing , but his grandfather began to put more and more pressure on him as he grew older , along with everyone else around him — he was the star of bhs’ wrestling team and everyone envisioned him up on the big stage , giving creed a run for his money — but jayden couldn’t see it . he really wasn’t that into boxing . sure it gave him an excuse to punch shit and get his anger out , but that only goes so far until you begin to question the true meaning behind what you’re doing .
for jay , the only meaning he could see in pursuing a boxing career was to reclaim the vincent name that his father had tarnished all those years ago , as his grandfather wanted him to , but that moment of glory wasn’t enough to outweigh the lack of passion jay felt underneath every punch — not to mention how much he feared following in his father’s footsteps . he also wasn’t sure he wanted to give his father the satisfaction of reclaiming their throne .
so what was he going to do ? well , where his passion lacked in boxing , it absolutely thrived in dance . his grandmother founded a major dance studio in the hamptons and jay spent many evenings there while growing up . at first he just did homework in his grandmother’s office , but then he started snooping on classes out of boredom before he befriended one of the male teachers who convinced him to try out a class . and from there it kinda snowballed . his teacher turned into more of a mentor than his grandfather would ever be , and jay felt more excitement leading up to his dance classes than his boxing lessons .
his grandfather at first saw dance as a good way for jay to keep up his stamina and exercise in different ways , but then he started to notice the imbalance between his grandson’s passion for dance and for boxing and he grew frustrated . “ dancing’s not for vincent men , " he once told jay . “ grow some balls and throw some punches . ”
out of pure fear of his grandfather and disappointing him , jay continued to pursue his grandfather’s dreams for him and trained almost every day , but then he’d sneak away to late night dance sessions because he just couldn’t avoid how magnetized he was to a life of dance . the creativity , excitement , and pure fun held more meaning than boxing ever would for him , but it took him until high school graduation to properly admit that to himself .
his grandmother , the wonderful spitfire of a woman she is , sneakily led jay through the application process of every major dance academy across the states , even though her husband found no use in sending their future heavyweight champion grandson off to college . she’s always supported jay for every decision he’s made and wanted nothing but the best for him , whether it was boxing or dance or something completely different . she’s the source of all of his confidence , ambition , and determination .
it wasn’t until the acceptance letter came in the mail from pace university that jayden came clean to his grandfather . it was a messy , loud , stressful , emotional night , but his grandfather eventually realized there was no use in arguing or fighting — he raised jay to be strong , independent , and everything he wished his son had been , and he knew that when jay set his sights on something , he was going to do it no matter what .
WHEW ok now we come to the present : jay has been excelling in pace’s commercial dance program , his passion for dance blazing brighter than ever before , and he’s returned home to the hamptons every summer to visit his beloved grandparents . with his senior year coming up , he has already lined up several auditions for world tours and music videos and more to set his dance career in motion . he’s honestly looking forward to seeing his old bhs alumni over the summer and rubbing their noses in the success of his own future that he is writing .
as for a lil about his personality :
he’s well known as the vainglorious , aka excessively proud of oneself or one's achievements ; overly vain .
not to say he’s a bit of a dick but ... he’s a dick .
as much as he hates to admit it , he definitely inherited his father’s hotheadedness and his utter selfishness .
he has always been the kid who doesn’t just think he’s the shit , but is the shit . he’s cocky in an annoyingly charming way and flirted his way up every social ladder during high school .
being the star of the wrestling team also didn’t help to deflate his ego sdljkhf like he didn’t love boxing or wrestling , but he knew he was damn good at it and just likes being the best .
as for some positives about my boy !! he is a charmer and he’s always loved to have fun . he spent so much of his childhood and teen years training and working hard that when he gets free time , whew he revels in it .
working hard is in his blood and he just oozes determination and will be your biggest hype man because he’s a dick but he still wants to see everyone succeed ! he knows what it feels like to be passionate about something and wanting to chase your dreams , and he will help you chase those dreams !!!
a big ol’ flirt , but he’s not really a player . he’s never been one to sleep around or act like breaking hearts is a sport . he grew up really admiring his grandparents’ marriage , all while remembering the poor relationship he knows his parents had , and definitely is a bit of a romantic . but that’s not to say he isn’t down to have some fun either lol
UUHHHH I REALLY DK WHAT ELSE TO SAY !!!
like i said , he’s a work in progress so i’m sorry this isn’t more detailed or fancy , i’m truly just so excited to be here that i wanted to get this up asap !
if you'd like to take a look at the shitty pinterest board i made for him , you can find it right here ! you can ignore the extra sections on it , it's a recycled board from an old muse but i'm leaving the connection sections there in case any of the pins work with the plots i get going with u !
as for connections , i’m truly down for anything and everything !! which i know is sooo basic to say but i’m forreal . if you have some angst or drama you wanna throw my way , i am here for it ! i also pride myself on my ability to brainstorm fun plots , so don’t be afraid to reach out !
xo ily
#entitled:intro#this is going without a gif bc i still gotta edit rome's#but hello happy saturday#pls love me
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100 PERSONAL QUESTIONS
because @ineffablequestion decided to really put my patience to the test today . not that i mind , ily .
1. What is your middle name ?
maria
2. How old are you ?
23 as of right now !
3. When is your birthday?
oct. 19th
4. What is your zodiac sign?
libra waddup
5. What is your favorite color?
i don’t really have one ? muted colours probably
6. What’s your lucky number?
again, can’t say i have one but maybe 29
7. Do you have any pets?
a dod and a horse
8. Where are you from?
finland / uk
9. How tall are you?
174 cm
10. What shoe size are you?
eu 39-40
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
like seven, if you don’t count my collection of riding shoes and boots. oxfords, brogues, wellies, trainers, and the rest are probably heels. as for riding boots, a lot.
12. What was your last dream about?
that i was late from work and got thrown in a tar pit because of it. and then i sold my old history teacher 500€ worth of alcohol and lottery tickets.
13. What talents do you have?
none?? unlimited sarcasm, idk
14. Are you psychic in any way?
i’m not sure if i believe in this stuff
15. Favorite song?
honestly, anything from hippo campus or glass animals.
16. Favorite movie?
the grand budapest hotel
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
someone who counteracts some of my anxiety and excitedness with a calm and, when needed, firm character but is still funny and can be themselves. preferably someone who i feel is my intellectual equal, and we can share everything with each other. maybe a bit older than myself, but not by much. other than that, i really don’t care.
18. Do you want children?
currently, i can’t see myself ever having kids. just doesn’t seem like my thing. especially babies. maybe adopting or fostering could be an option, but only if i was sure i could give the child a good home.
19. Do you want a church wedding?
i don’t think i want to get married
20. Are you religious?
not particularly
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
maaaaaaany times. multiple riding accidents, broken bones, a car crash. then just being an idiot in general. and chronic back problems.
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
apart from once forgetting to pay for the underground and getting an 80€ fine, no.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
i’ve met and had dinner with two different finnish presidents and some other ‘upper class’ people but other than that, no.
24. Baths or showers?
one of those rain shower things
25. What color socks are you wearing?
i have no socks !!!
26. Have you ever been famous?
uhhhh not in the literal sense of the word but i’ve been infamous at school when i was like 15. made a meme of one of our teachers that went low key viral in our city.
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
definitely not in the hollywood sense of things.
28. What type of music do you like?
a lot of things. anything, really, depending on the time of day and if i’m feeling particularly emo.
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
that’s like the only type of swimming finnish people partake in. naked in the sauna, naked in the lake/ocean. so yes, multiple times a year jhdsnhb
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
currently like five
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
either on my back or on my stomach. depends on what place hurts that day lmao.
32. How big is your house?
closer to 400 m^2 . i still live with my parents but will move into my own flat in six months, once it’s ready. that’s going to be appx 70 m^2.
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
i know its a bad habit but i often dont have breakfast. if i do it's usually fruit and yoghurt or some toast.
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
yes
35. Have you ever tried archery?
yes. fun fact; my cousin has won the european championchip ( in some form of archery idk ) like twice , i think.
36. Favorite clean word?
defenestrate
37. Favorite swear word?
fuck. i use it Too Much™
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
can’t remember the exact amount of hours but we were sailing and our shifts got messed up to the point where i had either not slept at all or slept so little in like four days i was genuinely hallucinating. almost jumped into the sea because i thought i dropped my life vest,,, which i was wearing.
39. Do you have any scars?
a few. dumbest one probably when i rode in my shorts but used a saddle and rubbed the skin off of my calf. also from hay work, those little dots that look almost like moles.
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
not that i know of
41. Are you a good liar?
yes, unfortunately. it’s a bad habit in the sense that i tell a lot of white lies when i could genuinely tell the truth with no consequence. like, it would be the one and the same.
42. Are you a good judge of character?
also yes. i’ve seen some shit. also i have surprisingly good people skills.
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
i can speak english in my normal accent which is kind of queen’s english (?) upper class idk, then in world’s english ( so basically no accent / neutral ) and then in finnish (rally) english . i can also speak swedish with a rikssvenska (standard swedish ???) accent and then finlandssvenska which is finnish swedish (and an actual thing lmao). also i can butcher a norwegian or danish accent in swedish if i really try. my finnish is very neutral, but it does vary a bit depending on what city i’m in.
oh, and also a shitty southern american accent.
44. Do you have a strong accent?
if i let it shine through, yes, but i tend toward world english because anything else scares finns. but when i speak finnish (which is most of the time) i don’t really have an accent. maybe you can hear that i’m not 100% finnish but that’s about it.
45. What is your favorite accent?
i don’t really have one ! all accents are really fascinating.
46. What is your personality type?
entj-a
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
i have a few expensive dresses, and then of course my riding clothes which cost ridiculous amounts of money because fuck everyone who likes horses, i guess. like excuse me but why is it normalised that you pay over 1000€ for a helmet??? anything less and you’re a peasant.
48. Can you curl your tongue?
mmmmyeah.
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
innie!
50. Left or right handed?
pretty much ambidextrous, though i prefer to write with my left but do everything else mostly with my right. my handwriting doesn’t differ too much from left to write.
51. Are you scared of spiders?
yes. ew. and we’re lucky to only have tiny ones in finland !
52. Favorite food?
ummmmm. currently carelian pie maybe?? idk such a good snack.
53. Favorite foreign food?
squints??? sushi????
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
depends. often too lazy to clean but incredibly stressed and uncomfortable when its messy. meticulous about all the wrong things.
55. Most used phrase?
either some form of keysmash or “FUCK”. also in finnish either “voi jumalauta” or “voi saatana” which both basically translate to “jesus fucking christ”.
56. Most used word?
also fuck. this really must say something about me smdh.
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
really depends. sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes two hours. on a normal day w/ shower and moderate make up, 15-25 minutes.
58. Do you have much of an ego?
depends really. i hope i don’t!
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
whomst the FUCK bites lollipops ?!?!?!
60. Do you talk to yourself?
i’ve only recently started. it’s terrifying.
61. Do you sing to yourself?
when driving if i’m listening to music, yeah
62. Are you a good singer?
honestly, no clue. i don’t really sing in front of people so i haven’t gotten opinions.
63. Biggest Fear?
failure.
64. Are you a gossip?
not about my friends, ever. but i will definitely listen to any tea you want to spill.
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
idk does kingsman count as dramatic?? the first one was hilarious.
66. Do you like long or short hair?
both have their perks!
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
LMAO i can name like 3 if i really try.
68. Favorite school subject?
history, english lang & lit, economics.
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
extrovert but i get tired easily
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
yes ! we go to the maldives once in a while, because finland doesn’t offer much in terms of diving sites.
71. What makes you nervous?
not a lot of things? i guess some responsibilities. things left for me to do even if someone else was supposed to do them.
72. Are you scared of the dark?
a dark room ? no. a dark forest at midnight ? hell yess. finnish winter darkness is terrifying simply because its so depressing. seasonal depression is real yall.
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
depends. if it’s a trivial mistake and they haven’t asked to be corrected, no. if it makes me or someone else feel bad or just makes any situation worse, then yes. but never unkindly.
74. Are you ticklish?
YES. ugh
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
no. i can’t recall doing so, at least. but i have participated in spreading them.
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
yes. at work a couple of times simply out of necessity and also when i took part in MEP. was committee president twice and president of the general assembly once. though idk if that counts since i was like 17 and its all p much play pretend.
oh! and also when i captain our boat. but again, idk if that counts.
77. Have you ever drank underage?
yeah, ever since i was like 16 :/
78. Have you ever done drugs?
no, and never will. not my thing !!
79. Who was your first real crush?
probably a boy from class. i can’t remember, really. i’ve never been too ‘romantically inclined’ i suppose.
80. How many piercings do you have?
just my ears, once.
81. Can you roll your Rs?
almost every r in the finnish language is technically rolled so yeah. i feel bad for those finnish people who cant !! makes everything so hard.
82. How fast can you type?
according to this thing 75 words per minute on my first try, so idk how accurate that is.
83. How fast can you run?
not fast. i hate running, and am very out of practice.
84. What color is your hair?
idk ? like, light brown ?
85. What color are your eyes?
again, idk. blue/green/grey
86. What are you allergic to?
dogs, cats, birch, and almost anything that flowers in the spring jshbdsjh
87. Do you keep a journal?
not a journal per se but i have a ‘little black book’ which i keep rather meticulously about my thoughts on the day, important things i need to remember, my expenses etc. a habit inherited from my dad. i’ve gone through like six of these in the past few years.
88. What do your parents do?
my mum is a mayor and my dad is a ceo
89. Do you like your age?
yeah !
90. What makes you angry?
injustice.
91. Do you like your own name?
yes !
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
ksjdsjhb no. at this rate i’d end up naming a child crowley or sum shit
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
i don’t want kids but if i did gender would be a non issue
94. What are you strengths?
lmao i have good people skills, work well under pressure, get along with everyone, am determined and ?? a good leader??? idk
95. What are your weaknesses?
i take on too much responsibility, i have anxiety and depression, i get frustrated at my own failures, i’m very self-critical and unforgiving. also no self-control when it comes to rp.
96. How did you get your name?
i think somewhere from my dad’s side, not entirely sure.
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
possibly? not sure. but fun fact! a great great grandmother (? or something of the sorts) from my mother’s side actually survived the sinking of the titanic.
98. Do you have any scars?
wasn’t this asked already?
99. Color of your bedspread?
this blue mandala like pattern idk
100. Color of your room?
white and a very mellow blue
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Now, I don’t know the full story on what has gone on or what (because timezones and i’m a little old kiwi in new zealand chilling in the winter vibes) but i feel like i need to say something and get it off my chest so i can go back to watching infinity wars and planning evil things for my characters.
You know, i pride myself on a few things in my life. Roleplaying is definately one of those things. Roleplaying is one of those places where we should be able to come together and create characters, develop our characters into something great (or in my case, destroy there hopes and dreams and then rebuild them again) . This roleplay group has made me instantly feel at home, at ease and i try my best and strive to be amazing like half of the people on here with my writing skills because, fun fact; i’m actually dyslexic.
Considering on what has happened, to anyone who is new and joined this group or your lurking and stumbled across this page and looking for a place to join. first off hello! and secnd, the people in this group are the most caring, fun loving and brilliant writers that strive to help you be the best. They are so including with plots and they are so funny. Like, i know i can keep to myself and do my own thing with my characters (maybe thats because of my shitty timezone).
Myself, I have definately been a victim to annoymous hate and believe If you have to hide behind a circle with sunnies and talk down to someone, it does say something about your character and your personality as a person outside the world of tumblr. However, a simple apology is something is usually a good way to start to something because you never know whats someone is dealing with behind the computer screen. you’re choice of words, your choices on the internet can easily make someone depressed - even worse.
I love you guys so damn much - like my awkward little heart can’t explain and i want to send you all indiviual messages of kindless and postive vibes but that would take my forever and lets be honest, i’m a lazy piece of shit. None of you should ever be brought down by hate, none of you should have your personal shit dragged into a roleplay.
We are family, We stick together and build eachother up, not destroy eachother and tear eachother down. Cass and Raq, you BOTH are amazing writers, you BOTH are bright and postive souls and you BOTH don’t deserve any of this. You’re both hella talented and everything plus more that words cant explain. I strive to be as excellent as you guys.
Dani and Hay , you guys are amazng, fucking amazing. Like, soild ass admins who only want the best for all of us! please stay awesome, stay groovy and most importantly - ily both.
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tagged by @lucypcvensie uwu thanks for putting up with my weirdo self ily <3
How tall are you? 5′2
What color and style is your hair? lots of people say my hair’s a light brown, but hair stylists say it’s a dark blonde so I’ll trust their judgement // my hair’s curly
What color are your eyes? blue (with these little flecks of gold right around the irises, you can only see them if you look real close)
Do you wear glasses? I have glasses, don’t necessarily wear them all the time
Do you wear braces? I used to, but I developed root resorption and had to get them off early (spring of 2017) so now none of my teeth toouch except for in the very back :( makes it really hard to eat samiches (yes that’s how I like to spell sandwiches fight me)
What’s your fashion sense? so I don’t count most days as my fashion sense bc I wear athleisure ish allllllll the time out of laziness, but when I do make an effort I have two ends of things bc I’m androgynous. so on a day when I’m feeling more masculine you’re gonna see me in a sporty-type-look (spandex, just barely sagging joggers, a graphic tee, my gold chain and jordans, I usually pull my hair into a ponytail and lay my edges), but on a day when I feel more feminine you’re gonna see me in some tried-and-true type of clothes (cute shirt, leggings, heels, jewelry, makeup did, hair down and [hopefully] acting right), but on a day when I’m feeling in-between I’ll try to experiment or be “edgy” (basically mixing and matching or trying something I saw a celebrity do and thought was cute). regardless of any style I’m in, though, you’re always gonna see me with my nails done, whether that means I got acrylics on or that I painted them myself... just know. that’s how we do. and by we I mean me.
Full name? I won’t share my last name, but Eden Amaris (fun fact: amaris can be pronounced two ways!) Is my first and middle
When were you born? December 18, 1999
Where are you from and where do you live now? was born in Federal Way, WA but I consider myself to be from Tacoma, WA as I’ve spent all of my most important years there (early childhood + hs + uni). I now live in Tacoma.
What school do you go to? University of Washington
What kind of student are you? a fucking mess I’m quiet at first, but once I’m comfortable I’m rly talkative and answer so many questions that my teachers will literally stop calling on me unless if there’s no one else lmaooo, I’ve also had several classmates and teachers tell me I should be a teacher and surprise, surprise, I do want to be a teacher for some time
Do you like school? f-f-f-FUCK YEA I LIKE SCHOOL how is that even a question??? to take it down a couple notches, yes, I love school, whether it’s for sports or for learning, I’m always excited to come to school everyday wow what a frickin nerd amirite, frickin loser
Favorite subject? depends on my professor. at this point, I highkey hate all of my classes rn bc I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. that miiight also have something to do with depression and anxiety though so idk what to tell ya man
Favorite tv shows? not a super TV person, but I’m a thot for Steven Universe
Favorite movie? I love tf out of movies, my all time would have to be Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (I just pretend that WftPotA didn’t happen atm bc I hate sm of what happened in it), but in the last few days I’ve watched War Horse (I cried like a bitch lemme tell ya), Secretariat (didn’t cry like a bitch but got teary-eyed) and 42 (I did cry at certain parts but it’s kinda uplifting so ya know, wasn’t super sad) and they were all lovely so if you haven’t seen them yet, go watch them! They’re all free on Netflix
Favorite book? When I was little it was this book called Junket (that thing is older than my grandparents, good lordte), I think some of my favorites rn tho are Heartless by Marissa Meyer and Tales from the Perilous Realm by J.R.R. Tolkien
Favorite past time? a couple months ago you would’ve thought it was crying from how much I did that, but tbh it’s probably drawing, writing, reading, watching movies, listening to music, sewing, spending time/going on adventures with my friends and helping my friends with their lives. I KNOW THAT’S EVERYTHING BUT I CAN’T HELP IT REEEE my most favorite past time atm is helping my friend Charlie clean and organize his room and designing things for his business, also spending time with my favorite little niecey-poo in the WHOLE WORLD OMGOODNESS HERE IS A PICTURE OF HER BEAUTIFUL SELF I LOVE HER SM SHE IS THE SWEETEST MOST CUTEST AND FUNNIEST AND SMARTEST WITTO GIRL EVER AND I LOVE HER <3
Do you have regrets? boy oh boy, do I: taking so long to forgive my abuser (thx for destroying my childhood @ my biological father), procrastinating, not having enough self-love/worth/confidence, being complacent with so many of the friends I used to have, focusing so much on socializing in hs rather than my sports and my schoolwork, being so afraid to just be myself bc I knew most people don’t want to be friends with a weirdo, the list goes on, all I can do now is move past it though so... ohwell.
Dream job? oh SIS get ready for this: sooo I want to own my own business, known as LEAD Revitalization (L for Love, E for Equity, A for Advocacy, D for Diplomacy - these are the core values of my business), which aims to help revitalize underdeveloped and underserved ethnic communities in the US and around the world and fight against gentrification through implementing art of all mediums in or near historic locations in that community that is representative of the demographic living there (so if the area is a primarily black neighborhood, you’re gonna see art depicting black history and culture, and if the area is primarily Asian you’d see Asian history and culture). I won’t get too into it just bc that would make this post way too long, but if anyone’s interested or wants to hear more you can bml ;) like literally bc I’m passionate af about it so I will talk your head off for days on end if given the chance
Would you ever like to be married? yes
Would you like kids? yes
How many? two or three of my own (I’m hoping for a girl and a boy) just so I can have the experience of having kids, but once they’re grown and out of the house I would like to adopt more if I have the resources to. my cousin’s adopted, so like, idk. I think that if you can adopt a kid, you should, bc there’s so many of them just stuck in the foster system and that’s complete bs
Do you like shopping? yes but I usually don’t like getting myself things (unless if we’re talking groceries or something I actually need), I love to buy things for other ppl tho if I can
What countries have you visited? canada for like 3 days technically, I just went to Mt. Whistler for spring snowboarding (that shit hurted) with my aunt bc she paid for the whole thing and my passport
Scariest nightmare you have ever had? TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE - I had a nightmare awhile ago that this guy I used to be involved with raped me, I also used to have recurring nightmares after I stopped going to my biological father’s house for visitation where he would come searching for me trying to kill me and my older brother (he’s tried to kill me 3+ times sooo... it makes sense). so like. fun.
Any enemies? S A T A N and myself, or.... my brain, I guess. idk.
Self-doubt? you betcha
Any significant other? kinda? I’m currently fwb with my ex and still have feelings for him (oopsies), we split bc he was going through shit and needed to figure himself out, I’ve been close to him for a phat minute so I’m not really trippin about it. I also have crushes on other people, but nothing’s presented itself as something worth pursuing yet so. yakno.
Do you believe in miracles? lmao I would fuckin hope so, the very fact that I’m alive rn is a gd miracle so yea
How are you? I am so-so. If we’re just talking about today, I’m prolly fine, but if we’re talking long term, I’ve been going through it. I’m just trying to figure myself out atm, and it’s rough, but I’ll probably get there. My friends think I will, at least.
i tag: @crookedly-rainy @secretpatrolpiespy hi I don’t have any other friends on Tumblr so I tagged my friends from Amino Y E E T
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Time to talk about my year and some people I’ve met / Been around a lot in 2018.
Alright, So I started 2018 off in the South park fandom, as I did in 2017 as well. It was fine until Drama started rolling in and I started openly talking about my problems. I got ignored a lot and Had to have some of my actual BFF’s calm me down at times. It had been a shitty few months in this year, Most of the people I use to talk to stopped talking to me, Blocked me or have deactivated and lost contact with. But There’s good some good memories in there, I met a few people I called my family and I love them dearly, I met my lovely girlfriend...and Ex girlfriend this year as well.
School sucked, I moved a lot and well I still don’t have any real life friends besides my cousin and best friend who I rarely see because She’s gone off to CEGEP / University ATM. I got bullied again and got called names a lot, I’ve gotten comments about my looks and my problems and How I always looked so depressed and down all the time. I guess that was because I was having a shitty time...I mean, I had been moving around a lot, I moved schools 4-5 times in the past 2 years and honestly I was just getting tired of being stabbed in the back by people. So This was the year I started cutting myself, Crying myself to sleep, being more quiet about being sad and triggers started affecting me even more then they use to. My family was being a bitch, My mother was making me her slave while she was on crutches, my dad and I fought, I wanted to move in with my grandmother, I wanted to run away a few times as well.
Good things that came out of this year actually was I started learning a lot about myself, Like Gender issues and Sexuality. I learned that I really liked girls A LOT. I figured out my art style and kept developing on it. I joined a fandom I was accepted in, Made some really great and beautiful people and Got myself a lovely girlfriend that I love so much. I moved back to my old down as well. I’m going to be graduating this year as well...So yeah.
Now Ig’s Its time to talk about some of the people I met and Loved this year a lot??
@stcrmclcud: My best friend, Holy fuck man. Abi’s always there for me and Just knows how to make me smile all the time. She’s a beautiful being that just wow...That’s been my friend for almost 2-3 years now? Like fuck, That’s the longest I’ve ever had a friend for man. This girl here, I would fucking die for her if she asked me to, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Just I’m gonna love Abi until she gets sick of me, Because holy fuck man,,,, Just wow. ily bitch, I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you bitch
@homeonethewastes: !! Darkness holy shit, You are the one and only true fucking friend to have,,, Like FUCK. This man here stayed up with me one whole night a few times because I was feeling suicidal and just crying a lot. He calmed me down once others went to be and just wow. This is the truest friend you could ever have. He’s a big sweetie who needs to learn that he isn’t ugly at all! He needs to fucking remember that I love him sm because GODDDDDD I would die for him too, Like shoot me for him, Pls just let me die for you. Our chats / shitposts are great and I love when we talk and shitpost, I jst love talking with you man. You and Abi are like the main reasons I haven’t left the internet RPC community.
@kahlvin-cycle: This man right here, This is a man I love. Fucking ALEKS, I love a man named Aleks so much like holy fucking shit. We started out in the middle of this year fucking shit posting, That was our first fucking interaction together ;; Door knob Dick Donovan. And then boom, We became friends after that jewbfew. Listen okay, Aleks is a big fucking sweetie and I love him with my whole heart, He’s another reason Why I haven’t left the Internet as well. His writing is amazing, His art makes me NUT, Just w o w. You need to learn to love yourself or else I’m gonna kick your ass. Another lovely man I would Die for as well. Just /Murder me for him/
@whitetrashugly: SUNI, My big brother,, This boy here holy fucking tiddys. I love him sm, Like??? You don’t understand???? He’s a big fucking sweetie, Has tired and probably still will try and fight someone for me. He’s helped me out so much threw the years, I’ve known him since I started in the South park community, And I will continue to be in contact with him because oof <3 Why wouldn’t I? Bitch ily sm
@creekbrat: LYALL YOU LOVELY PIECE OF CAKE. Guys, this human right here, ya this is a good person and I love them so fucking much. Lyall is a big fucking sweetie and just wow, A fucking joy to be around, Their art is great, I love their selfies as well just ooffff <3 I honestly count Lyall as a good friend of mine, Even if we don’t talk as much as I want to ;y;
@marjorinetenorman: Nyx, My lovely girlfriend. Oof I love you so fucking much, Like holy crap. You’re so beautiful and lovely and I just wanna hug and kiss you all the time. Like, I don’t get why some people don’t like you, Their clearly weird honestly. I don’t see what they see, you are a fucking joy to be around, the conversations we have together are fucking sweet and just wow. I’m so fucking happy to have you as my S/O and I just wish we continue for a long while. <3
@violetreflectixn: Rattie,, omg okay so like.....I started off being so scared to talk to you. And then you brought up that you were into Btd,,, and then I started talking to you ;y; I was a nervous bean. You were there for me when the shit went down in the BTD fandom, you were there for me when I felt like shit. Like wow, You really didn’t need to do that ;y; but you did and I’m like super thankful that you did <3 I’m like super glad to have met you!
@youbxstards: KITTY, You big fucking sweetie!! Aaaa!! This here, This is the best fucking person you could ever meet. She’s always there for you, she helps you when your down, She’s a big joy to be around, Like holy fuck. She’s like a big sister to me, A mom as well. She watched over me for a while and I was so thankful that she did. ;y; I believe I was the reason she came into the south park fandom,, So that’s a thing,, I encouraged her to make a Kyle blog after we were talking about it on another one of her old blogs.
@dcvotiion: mmm Jeremy, This big fucking bean. This big lovely fucking bean. I was so terrified to talk with you?? Like?? I was just so fucking nervous. And then I started talking with rattie and then met you and just oof. You were there for me too when I was getting harassed ;y; I’m so fucking happy about that like,, wow,, you didn’t need to do that ether but you did. You’re a big sweetie and ily so much. We have some pretty interesting conversations too wefhbjewbh even if they get weird at times.
@nathanthesoldierboy: Nat,,, Just,,,,omfg<3 This boy here, Ya I fucking love his to pieces. Like, Hes a huge fucking sweetie pants and I wish he would let me help him and make him feel better Like,,, Pls I wish to make you happy, let me do this as a friend. His character is just wow, Himself is just WOW. I love you sm like?? Even if we’ve been mutuals for what? 2-3 months now? idfc, I love you man. I just wanna talk with you a lot more tho ;y; pwease senpai.
@mayhemandmonsters: Code, You are a fucking lovable potato and I love you,, Like FUCK. You’re so sweet?? and kind?? and Loving and I just?? Can i get some of that. I’m still a nervous wreck to talk to you ;y; But I manage to at least have a conversation in the sever with you from time to time. :”) I just wish to conjure the balls to have a full on conversation on day.
@how-to-train-your-slytherin: Chase love sweetie, doll. I love you. You’re so fucking adorable and kind and I just scream?? Because wow, How can someone be so fucking cute. You’re such a joy, Like holy god, I seem to laugh a lot with the stuff you say and the interactions you have with Kenny. Just ;y; omg I love you,,,
@kill-me-again-im-still-conscious: Toshire.. I’ve talked to you for what? A few weeks now, I don’t fucking care. I still love you and if anything happens to you I’m killing everyone In the room and then myself. You are a fucking doll and just wow, ily. We need to talk more, We must conversation a bit and help me be a human being.
#☭ ;; OOC#New Years#I know its not New years yet for some of you#but idc#I'm tired jwfbwje I must go on my phone I am sorr#y
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Numbers... ALL OF THEM
Oof anon killing me with all of them but thank you for actually sending something it’s been centuries since I last got an anon ily
PLEASE DON’T LET THIS FLOP AHHHH
1. What is you middle name?
Kwon. It’s my Korean mom’s surname
2. How old are you?
I’m a lil’ baby 20 year old
3. When is your birthday?
May 6th
4. What is your zodiac sign?
Taurus
5. What is your favorite color?
PINK
6. What’s your lucky number?
I don’t actually think I have a lucky number???7. Do you have any pets?
Not at my apartment with me, but I have an adorable little Yorkie/Bishon mix at my parents place!
8. Where are you from?
Northern Maine
9. How tall are you?
5′3″
10. What shoe size are you?
It depends on brand but usually a 6 in women’s
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Uhhhh...6 I think
12. What was your last dream about?
I was a famous comic book artist at Comic Con (even though I’ve never been there EVER)
13. What talents do you have?
I can draw and somehow keep my shit together and not seem like I’m dying inside lmao
14. Are you psychic in any way?
I swear I am like slightly
15. Favorite song?
I have a few but currently it’s Pray For Me by the Weeknd from the Black Panther movie
16. Favorite movie?
Any Marvel movie hands down!
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
I have a lowkey crush on one of my coworkers rn but just someone who is sweet and sassy and good at communicating and listening idk I’ll take anyone at this point I’ve been single for almost a year now (jk I still have standards but y’know)
18. Do you want children?
I go back and forth on that a lot but really I’m not sure
19. Do you want a church wedding?
Nooooo
20. Are you religious?
Not really
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
I have!
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
Nah I’m too much of a lil’ bitch to do anything to get in trouble like that
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
I wish but no
24. Baths or showers?
Baths god I miss taking baths
25. What color socks are you wearing?
I currently have no socks on
26. Have you ever been famous?
Nah not pretty enough
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Kinda but not really???
28. What type of music do you like?
It varies I’m very much a “if I like it I like it” kinda person
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
Nopeeeeee
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two usually
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
On my sides
32. How big is your house?
Well I live in a shitty little studio apartment so not that big
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Air lmao no I usually eat like eggs or something
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
Kinda it was during a hunter safety class that shot a laser out because we were like doing target practice and learning how to hold a gun
35. Have you ever tried archery?
Kinda it was fun I sucked at it though
36. Favorite clean word?
Hun
37. Favorite swear word?
FUCK
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
I think like two days
39. Do you have any scars?
I do yes40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Not to my knowledge
41. Are you a good liar?
Depends on the reason I gotta lie but occasionally I am
42. Are you a good judge of character?
I’d like to think so
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
I do a great Busan accent when I’m talking to my mom sometimes (It’s a place in South Korea with a different dialect it’s kind of the equivalent to our southern accent)
44. Do you have a strong accent?
No I have the least accent voice ever
45. What is your favorite accent?
British/Australian
46. What is your personality type?
No idea and I’m too tired to check
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
Umm....my Captain America tank top I think???? I have no clue I get second hand shit mostly
48. Can you curl your tongue?
Sadly no
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
Innie!
50. Left or right handed?
I think I might be able to use both I just know I write with my right but I do everything else with my left it’s weird as hell
51. Are you scared of spiders?
YEP
52. Favorite food?
Oh god there are so many but Chinese food always wins my heart
53. Favorite foreign food?
Korean food in general specifically made by my mom
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
Pretty clean unless I hit a good ol’ depressive episode
55. Most used phrased?
“Da fuck bruh”
56. Most used word?
Fuck (or just some variation of it)
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
In the morning usually 30 minutes to an hour depending
58. Do you have much of an ego?
I don’t think I do honestly
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
Is it a sin if I do both?
60. Do you talk to yourself?
Constantly
61. Do you sing to yourself?
CONSTANTLY
62. Are you a good singer?
Oh god no
63. Biggest Fear?
Idk, I guess being alone
64. Are you a gossip?
Naaaaaah well a little I’m just the messenger mainly lol
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
Uuuuuh idk can’t think of one rn
66. Do you like long or short hair?
Personally on me I go between the two I’m trying to grow my hair out at the moment though
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
I used to be able to not anymore though
68. Favorite school subject?
Art! And history
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
Both???
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
Nope
71. What makes you nervous?
Well I have general anxiety so like...everything
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Sometimes
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
Only my friends but that’s me just teasing them
74. Are you ticklish?
Yes
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
Nah
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
Kinda?? Idk I’m not the most authoritarian kinda person even if I sometimes think I am
77. Have you ever drank underage?
Yep
78. Have you ever done drugs?
Yes
79. Who was your first real crush?
There’s no place for feelings around here pal
80. How many piercings do you have?
I only have my ears pierced but I really want more
81. Can you roll your Rs?“
If I really get going I can
82. How fast can you type?
Hella fast
83. How fast can you run?
Who runs?
84. What color is your hair?
My natural black
85. What color is your eyes?
Broooown
86. What are you allergic to?
Bullshit and bad people
87. Do you keep a journal?
I try to honestly
88. What do your parents do?
My dad works on a barge and my mom works in a warehouse
89. Do you like your age?
?? I kinda have no choice in that matter
90. What makes you angry?
A lot of shit
91. Do you like your own name?
Not really it’s just a word to me I have no real feelings about it at this point
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
Noooo I only look at baby names when I’m making characters but those are for grown ass adults I’m drawing
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
AH CHILDREN QUESTIONS NO
94. What are you strengths?
I’m loyal and I care a lot about people
95. What are your weaknesses?
I give my 100% into everything I do and that fucks me up later sometimes plus I’m short
96. How did you get your name?
From my mom??
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
I think on my mom’s side back in the day they weren’t royalty but they were important
98. Do you have any scars?
Again yes
99. Color of your bedspread?
Dark blue
100. Color of your room?
A weird off white I think?
THANK YOU ANON I LOVE YOU AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT YOU LIL’ PUNK
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Our Lives Don’t Collide
{chapter 5: hey look ma i made it}
summary: Shit hits the fan when famous actor!Phil is caught smooching a boy in an alleyway. Only problem? He’s not out and what’s worse? The boy he was smooching was a journalist who set it all up to get a quick picture and now Phil is royally screwed. The only answer Phils management can come up with is a fake relationship to try and do damage control and famous actor!Dan is the perfect candidate.
chapter word count: 2873
total word count: 12809
rating: t
note: super thanks to everyone who likes/ reblogs/ sends me a message! the support has been amazing! also huge thanks to all the babes in the writing gc for motivating me to write! ily!
updates on thursdays!
tw for this chapter: homophobia
{read on ao3}
{read from the beginning}
{next chapter}
—–
“Do you like me Dan? Are you trying to say you’re a big old gaylord?”
Dan was shaking his head furiously, trying to find a way to make it out of the room without being killed. There was no way out, there was never a way out. The room had no doors, no windows, no hope for escape. Just rows and rows of lockers.
He was in his teenage body, but his mind was aged adequately.
“Have you got a big fat gay crush on me Dan?”
He was cornered in the school hallway, conveniently, no teacher in sight, whether that was on accident or by design, Dan would never know. Sometimes he thought the educators turned a blind eye towards moments like these, thinking the little gay boy needed to be put in his place. A shiner wouldn’t do him any harm. A bruise would heal but a message would last forever.
The boy had no face, he was slenderman esq in his school uniform as he walked closer and closer to Dan, leaving no option for escape as Dan backed himself into the corner.
“Please don’t hit me.” Dan begged, the boy just laughed. All he ever did was laugh and taunt and corner him.
Suddenly people were crowding around, watching, humiliating him.
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” the audience was chanting, knowing full well Dan wouldn’t fight back. He never fought back, his limbs seemed to be made of cement but even if they weren’t he wouldn’t retaliate.
The boy with no face raised his fist, prepared to pummel Dan into nothing, his peers screaming their support for his attacker, losing their shit as the faceless boy prepared to attack.
Right before the faceless boy could hit him, Dan’s eyes shot open and he looked around to realize he was not in his old school hallway, but rather his lounge. He’d fallen asleep on his couch the night before after Phil had left.
His heart was beating a mile a minute as he tried to get his bearings on the world around him. He always woke up from nightmares feeling as though he’d just run a marathon, his heart working overtime trying to choose between fight or flight when all it really needed to do was wake the fuck up.
You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.
This wasn’t the first time Dan had a dream like this, the feeling of being trapped, cornered, and cowering in fear of the faceless boy. It was reoccuring, to the point where he’d talked about his therapist about it. She said it was just his way of coping with the shit he went through growing up, the intense homophobia that just fueled his depression.
Dan sat on the couch for a long time before he finally felt any motivation to do anything. He tried to regulate his breathing and get his nerves under control, once the initial shock had passed it was all about calming down so he didn’t ruin the whole days productivity.
After he had managed to chill out a little, he felt around the couch, hoping to find his phone. He didn’t really know where it had ended up as he spent most of the time before falling asleep avoiding his responsibility of picking out the pictures he would post of him and Phil. He’d tried, at first, but soon found it made his heart ache just a little too much so he put it off for a later time, a terrible habit that he would have to break one time.
When he finally found his cellular device the first thing he noticed when he went to unlock it was that it was 4 in the fucking morning, Dan was used to going to sleep around this time, not waking up (unless of course there was some sort of weird schedule for being on set for filming, in which case he dragged his butt out of bed at the asscrack of dawn, downing about 5 cups of coffee, and then trying his best. Those days were the ones that required the most takes to get the right scene.) The second thing Dan noticed about his phone was the fact that it was almost completely dead as he hadn’t been charging it all night.
With a big fat groan Dan got up from the couch, walked into his bedroom and plugged his phone in, giving it the sweet juice it so desired. After that business was out of the way, he shuffled through his dresser and found some pajamas, or rather some sweats. Whether he would fall asleep again was still up in the air, but Dan was still wearing the skinny jeans he’d been wearing yesterday and it was just too uncomfortable to deal with anymore. How did he even fall asleep with such suffocating pants on?
Falling asleep so soon after a dream such as the one he had would almost certainly result in having the same terrible experience again. It was still too fresh in his mind, he’d have to find a way to get the memory of it out his brain completely if he wanted to have a peaceful rest. That being said, if he just got up for the day now, at 4am, he could nap anytime during the day as he had literally nothing to do.
The bad thing about acting is that you worked a shitton for a few months or less and then you’d made your years salary and you could just fuck around for the rest of the time, but for Dan, that just resulted in a lot of lounging and playing video games and general unproductivity. Working was a constant, it required him to get up and have a schedule and he actually enjoyed what he was doing most of the time, even if the hours were shitty. When he had all the time in the world to lay around, Dan would do exactly that, not being able to coax his mind into doing something productive.
In the end Dan just decided to stay awake, he put on a pot of coffee and skimmed through twitter. The buzz around him and Phil was getting more serious, but some fans were adamant that Dan was secretly seeing his co-star Adam Devore, despite the fact that they hadn’t seen each other once since filming wrapped for ‘Switch Hitter’ and probably wouldn’t see each other until press for the movie officially started.
It was the way the trailers painted them that made people so sure they were together, people forgot it was for the movie and that they’d both been acting. Still, he couldn’t blame them, and soon enough the whole thing would blow over once him and Phil had officially made their debut.
There was definitely a lot of speculation over the nature of Dan and Phil’s relationship since the first photo had come out of Phil and the boy who looked startlingly like Dan kissing. Some people assumed it was Dan, some defended that it couldn’t be, and some just didn’t give a shit. It would certainly hit the news that Phil had stopped by his place by the time the sun rose completely and shortly after that the photos of them together would be on Dan’s instagram, making it ‘official’ so to speak.
Once Dan started thinking about the photos and the events of the night prior, he couldn’t stop. He was also reminded that he needed to call his mum, better to get it over now than wait for her to see the tabloids. She was constantly checking entertainment news sources for Dans name in the headlines, claiming he didn’t keep her up to date enough so she’d figure out what was going on in his life herself.
His mum was 8 hours ahead of him, meaning that if Dan did his calculations right it was just about noon back in Wokingham. The perfect time to receive a call from your son informing you that he was seeing a boy.
Truth be told Dan wasn’t really sure how his mum would react to the news. She was constantly hounding him about finding someone who was good to him, but that was just because he worried about him being all alone in such a lonely position. Sure, he had the people who admired his work, and a handful of diehard fans, but at the end of the day he was going to bed alone and spending the majority of his days by himself. True, in this relationship he would still be going to bed alone, but at least his mums mind would be put to ease.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about lying to her about such a big thing, but in the end Dan decided it was better for her health if she wasn’t so worried about her son, so really this was doing her a favor, right?
After his phone had a little while to charge, Dan unplugged it and proceeded to go to his contacts, found his mum, and tried not to put too much thought into it as he clicked the little call button.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Hello?” his mum greeted.
“Hi mum.”
“Oh blimey, Daniel isn’t it near 4 in the morning, what’re you doing up?” She was a lot quicker at her time zone math than Dan was.
“I woke up early and I needed to give you a ring anyways.”
This sparked her attention immensely.
“You needed to ring me? What about? Are you alright?”
“Yes mum, I’m fine, I just wanted to talk to you about something before the entertainment news got ahold of the story.”
“Oh, alright, well then, spill the tea, bear.”
There was so much for Dan to unpack in that one sentence from his mum. First of all did she just say ‘spill the tea’? She truly had been spending too much time reading gossip, it was getting scary. Second of all she called him ‘bear’, something that he’d actually quite missed. His childhood nickname held a soft spot in his heart, he felt waves of nostalgia and comfort from such a simple thing.
“Okay, wow, okay. Uh. I’ve started seeing someone.”
His mum gasped, actually audibly gasped.
“Dan! That’s fantastic! Is it that boy from the movie you just shot?”
Great, even his mum had heard the rumors about him and Adam fucking Devore. You film one movie with someone and suddenly your mum and everyone else on twitter thinks you’re dating, good god.
“No, oh my god mum. It’s not Adam.”
“Well then who is it?”
“Uhhhh, you remember how over Christmas we watched that romance movie, I think it was called ocean eyes? Anyways I’m seeing the guy who played the fiance in that film. Phil Lester.”
“Oh, he was lovely! I told you to find someone who treated you like he treated his girlfriend and now look! I practically got you two together.”
Dan had forgotten about the offhand comment his mum had made during their viewing but now that he thought about it, she did mention finding Phil ‘charming’. That was around the time Dan’s little crush on Phil had started. His mum was a psychic? Who could’ve seen this coming?
“Good job mum, you’re an everyday cupid.”
“Of course. Well, I’ve got to go, your aunt was supposed to meet me for lunch and she just texted, so I better get a move on.”
“Okay, have a nice lunch, tell her I say hi.”
“I will, and hey Dan, if things get serious, do you promise that you’ll bring this boy home for me to meet?”
Dan’s heart skipped a beat. Maybe this was going too far. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned anything to his mum. Maybe this was all a mistake. Everything was getting too real.
“Yeah, I promise.”
They said their goodbyes and his mum hung up to go have lunch with his aunt, leaving Dan to himself at what was now 4:30 in the morning.
The obvious thing to do would be pick out the photos he was going to post on his instagram later that day now to get it out of the way, but Dan decided to instead watch anime for 2 hours as he sipped his coffee and found some cereal to eat. Only then could he flip through the pictures he and Phil had taken the day previous.
They looked cute together, that was undeniable. It looked genuine too, not just on Dans part, they looked happy, in love, together. Most of all they looked extremely convincing.
Dan picked out one photo from each pose, one with them smiling, one with Phil kissing his cheek, and one with Phil nuzzling into Dan’s neck.
He made sure they both looked nice in each of the photos before finding a black and white filter (he had an instagram theme to uphold) and making final decisions.
Out of all the pictures they took, one was by far Dan’s favorite, but it wasn’t post worthy. He’d managed to snap a picture the moment Dan realized Phil’s lips were pressed against his cheek, the look on his face was absolutely priceless.
After thinking about it for awhile, Dan decided that maybe he should send the pictures to Phil, get his approval before posting and all that.
Don’t overthink it, just send him the photos and move on with your day. Don’t hyperfocus on this one message to the point of not being able to do anything else with your time. Just don’t do it.
Trying not to think too much about it, Dan went to his contacts, started a message with Phil (or the number Phil had put in his phone, he really hoped it was his personal number and not like his publicist or something.) and send the 3 photos he’d picked out along with a short and sweet “caption?” as Dan hadn’t yet decided what he would caption the post and was hoping Phil had some sort of idea.
He put his phone down after that, knowing that if he stayed on it he’d end up refreshing his texts every few seconds and that just wasn’t healthy. Instead he spent his time doing literally anything but that, he went through his closet, organized his movie collection, showered, and vacuumed.
By the time his anxious productive energy had worn off it was nearing noon for him. He finally decided to grab his phone again.
3 new messages.
One was from his mum, telling him that lunch with his aunt had gone well, the next was from Shannon the momager, asking if she needed to arrange a car for Dan for any reason today, and then the third. The third message on his phone was from one Phil Lester.
He was too nervous to open it. After a whole day of ignoring his phone for this exact reason, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the text he’d gotten.
Eventually (too long for Dan to admit) he decided to just do it, to open the notification and see the doom that was waiting for him.
From: Phil
caption it “the cats out of the bag” or something
we look cute ;)
The sexual tension was too much for Dan as he stared at the winky face. That was flirting right? That was definitely flirting. There was no such thing as a platonic winky face, then again maybe Dan was reading too much into things, that was something he tended to do.
Just calm down you chicken nugget.
With Phil’s blessing Dan focused his crazed energy on formulating his instagram post. But then he thought ‘maybe I should give Phil a heads up before posting this’ and then he wondered if he was supposed to tell Shannon or Sam that he was going to post this. How much was he really supposed to do and where did Phil’s publicist step in?
Against his better judgement Dan formulated a text to Phil asking him if it was okay if he posted the photos, and then he wrote out a similar one to Shannon.
An hour later he had an answer from both of them.
From: Shannon the momager
all this stuff is up to you bby, this isn’t like acting, you don’t get a script.
And
From: Phil
yeah! I’m okay with that, thanks again <3
A heart? A HEART? Dan was literally going to have a heart attack, why did Phil have to be so damn flirty? It was too much for him to handle.
With the final confirmation from both sides of the story, Dan made the final instagram post, captioned it with ‘guess the cats out of the bag now’ and clicked share, before all his anxiety could manifest into a person and physically beat him up.
Emotionally drained from all the intense feelings and physically drained from waking up at 4am, Dan plugged in his phone and crawled into his nice comfy bed, ready for a nap.
As he drifted off his thoughts were warm and positive, any trace of the horrid dream he’d woken up from earlier vanished.
He was nervous, scared, but most of all, he was happy.
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ASTRO
because titles are original
ok so i’m probably going to put a “read more” because i’m about to get emotional over astro and i don’t wanna ruin anyone’s dash either jlkfgdfjlkgf, pls be aware it’s midnight and i’m emo
I’ve discovered ASTRO on aug 2, 2017, by a friend (kis ily) who shared me their famous “catching cicada” video (and tbh I laugh more to this than anything else even now). Last year then, I got interested in them and thanks to friends I was able to know more about them, which members, etc. and I had that massive crush on Dongmin that I still have, he’s my UB and no one will ever make me think otherwise,,,,
So by their CSC comeback I had listened to their singles and they weren’t really part of my life, I loved them a lot so I listened sometimes to their songs but that was most of it, I had school & a bunch of other stuff going on and I was 14, I didn’t know stuff about kpop and so I had no idea of how comebacks worked. On november though, like the 1st of november, I saw their Music Bank CSC comeback and oof was I amazed. Like I think I sat in front of my TV for 5 minutes because I wanted to know if they were going to do it again jgfdljdg
So CSC became one of my Favourite Songs Ever and I got more into astro from then, knowing more about them, their past, their dramas, and all that kind of stuff, their famous memes (hi dongminion) but it wasn’t that much still.
In january 2018, I had a twitter acc that is now suspended but i saw their ISAC and I had finally downloaded most of their songs, plus I had kpop friends in my class and I was like pls stan them i love them and that allowed me to know more about kpop in general (I only stanned astro and knew some other groups but that’s all), and so it was the nicest moments, listening to astro while getting back from school, before sleeping, and because I loved them so much I decided to try and learn korean so that I could say something cool if I ever met them (plot twist: im bad at it). I would celebrate the members’ birthdays and I started my first and probably only one at this point binu fic, and I fell in love with Dongmin even more I guess.
I don’t really remember the date but in march something the fantagio drama started and oh boy was I worried, I legit cried a lot during that time because I was worried and couldn’t sleep properly, because they had brought a lot of positivity for me and hope, I’ll get to that later but yeah you have the point.
And then, I got really confused with school, friendships, dealing with that kind of stuff was complicated and my twitter acc + first tumblr acc got suspended for no reason apparently, so even though I kept on listening to astro I wasn’t really aware of what they were doing, I had some news but there wasn’t any comeback and with what was happening it would’ve been hard to see one. From march to june, I had exams + personal stuff and shit was hard to deal with, so like some people in the fandom who had personal things I didn’t hear much from astro except for big news. I still don’t understand the whole fantagio drama but I was already lost in my life.
When I learnt they would have their comeback in july, on the 24th, I cried, when I saw Always You for the first time, I cried, and well I cried while listening to all of the album that’s not a surprise. I was so, so, so, so, so, so happy they could perform again, that they didn’t disband, that they were there, I could see them, their hard work, the lyrics to their songs that made me cry even more, I’m a crying mess but I was honestly so happy I kept on screaming for 8h that day.
Which brings us to now, it’s the 15th of august, and that chronology would be a perfect way to sum up how astro led me to who I am now, if I didn’t talk about the emotional aspect.
Last october, I turned 15, and at this time I questioned myself on so many things, gender identity, sexuality, my future, and I was so confused about everything and I kept it all to myself and wasn’t able to be happy. So on that nov 2, 2017, I think I had given up on understanding anything at this moment, I saw their Music Bank CSC comeback. My thought while seeing Dongmin, all of astro while they performed? “That’s who I wanna be. I wanna be like them.” There’s a 0% chance I will end up becoming Dongmin ofc but I had found a model for my life, someone to get attached to so I wouldn’t be depressed anymore, or I would get happier and be able to live properly. Which I did, I was really happy and even though times weren’t the simplest, that’s when I aspired to become someone astro could be proud of, that’s still my goal today.
Astro had helped me during that time, and I didn’t know that but they would help me a lot. There was a super interesting twitt thread on how kpop/biases are models and lift people’s spirits up, and I think that happened to me. Since I’m depressed, I had many low times, and guess what musics would I listen to during those times? Yeah, you got it. Baby or Breathless are songs that instantly make me feel better, most of their songs do actually, but that helped me so much, I could dance (plot twist: im bad at this too) to their songs freely, I can’t learn the choregraphies properly but just dancing to their songs is incredible.
That’s what, with a lot of positivity in early 2018, helped me be someone reasonable, I was proud of myself, I loved astro, my friends, my boyfriend, etc. I was really happy and I got to know more people because of kpop too (I got into nct, got7, exo, and a bunch of other groups) so that really was a good time.
I was so, so afraid when the fantagio drama started, and I don’t really know what happened at this point, things are still confused in my mind but I still listened to astro whenever I could, whether I was in a good mood or in a bad mood. And then, in april-may, I did things, that I’m not proud of, and thanks to a lot of help and astro I was able to get together better. All of this because “I can become someone astro would be proud of, I don’t owe them anything but they’re what’s keeping me in shape somehow”, and just jamming to their songs is the perfect feeling.
I love and love astro more than any other kpop group, because I learnt their hard times, their best moments, their fears, and when they had their comeback last month, I felt relieved. I had been maybe at my worst in april/may/june, but with them, I found a new reason to smile, because I couldn’t just drop them after all the fears, stress, obstacles they’ve been through for their comeback, even to just work. “If astro went through it, I can go through it so that I’ll be able to be a better person”. It seems harsh but it’s surprisingly a motto I still have, I don’t seek on making things difficult and worse for me, but I was somehow more able to separate the real difficulties for me from things that I shouldn’t take care of.
On aug, 2, 2018, I did the thing i’m not proud of again, maybe some of it have guessed it but that’s not the point. I know I’ll forever regret it, because I did it after being clean for 2 months, and on my birthday-of-knowing-astro, astro which has been the group to help me the most during last year and this year, and it’ll take time for me to fully assume my actions and their consequences. Even though I got support from friends, especially from two really close to mine (kis and nicole ily), I won’t be fully capable of not hating me for having done this.
But I know, at the end of the day, that I’ll be able to go through it. Why? “Because I can still be someone astro would be proud of”. It’s naive from me to believe astro would even care about me particularly, but I don’t care and if this helps me to get better, then so be it. I have no contract or deal with astro that tells me that I have to have them as models, but I will continue to admire them.
Astro has probably been one of the hardest-working groups I’ve ever seen, I’m not saying other groups are lazy but they’ve had already a ton of comebacks, events, astroads, fanmeetings, kdramas, events, mc duties to be in, and I’ve never heard bad things about them. Ofc haters are a thing, and a lot of kpop groups have hard work, but they are the only group that I know that have put all their time and energy for that, and most importantly, they kept on smiling. They’re the group I love the most, because they don’t complain, they’re all talented in their own ways, my bias may be Dongmin but let me go to hell if I say that I don’t like any of the other members. I could quote their qualities forever, they’re not perfect of course but they put dedication, time, love, work, their own fears, doubts, or happiness into these albums. Plus, they’re always excited as puppies for everything, they’re all cute, visuals, if I see a picture of them I can’t stop smiling for 3h,,,
So astro has been a really important part of my life, yes. Whatever astro does, as long as it’s not harmful to people, I’ll be by their side, I like to hear from them, see them, support them in any way I can, reblog, like, tweet, whatever I can do to be someone they would be proud of, even if they don’t know me.
Through all the things they lived, and did, I was able to live too, that’s why astro is and will forever be my UG, and Dongmin is my ideal man, wait no all of them are my ideal men, in terms of who I want to be. If they chose us, arohas, if they’re always going to choose you, then I will always choose them.
It’s now 1am, almost 2, and I haven’t stopped writing since midnight,,,, I’m tired help me
TL;DR: I’m very proud of ASTRO, they have That Power of making me happy, I said I didn’t owe them anything since they don’t know me but I owe them my life. I will always, always, thank them all for what they’ve done. Maybe I’m being an extreme fan but I don’t really care as long as I don’t turn into a harmful fan. They led me to a better life already, and I’ll forever be thankful to them, even if they don’t know me, even if they don’t know that story.
you can reblog this or like this, i don’t rlly care, i felt like i had the need to explain that today (it’s a special day for me too!!) and if yall leave replies ill be the happiest man on earth tbh. ty to those who read the whole thing, yall know about my life with astro and im glad if it helps you know me better!
#ni-mail#long post#idk how to tag this really;;;;#im just thankful to astro rn so yeah#i'll tag it better later i think#5 ppl are going to see it but eh#ty a lot!!
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“nothing is wrong with you.”
okay this needs some background.
so my friend and i were talking and she was telling me about a dream she had about awsten and geoff because of calamity (i'm not spoiling it you're about to read it) and i was really inspired by it and i asked if i could write it and she practically begged me to do it.
also that sounds so weird omg she had a dream inspired by my fic and now i'm writing a fic inspired by her dream wtf
this isn't really triggering it's just happysad okay enjoy milli i hope this is what you wanted ily
The accident was six months ago.
He still remembers it like it was yesterday, remembers the flashing lights and crunching metal and the smell of holy shit is that blood what the fuck just happened where's Awsten is he okay why isn't he saying anything.
It was the worst day of his life.
He woke up to white walls and sterile tape and a smell so bad it bottled itself up and flew into his nostrils and put down a flag right behind his eyes, set up roots and began infiltrating his entire body with the ache. It multiplied like bacteria, colonies growing and spreading out until every part of him was infected, unable to run, unable to hide, unable to do anything because it was inside him and it was growing and he would never escape.
He remembers getting the news and just stopping. Someone had taken a sledgehammer to his body and hit right at his heart, one hit that had everything crashing down, like in those cartoons, it's fine until someone says those words or does that thing and then it's cracking and breaking and disintegrating into a pile of rubble, never to be rebuilt.
He lost a part of himself that day.
It hasn't come back.
He feels like his heart is made up of several pieces. A different part hurts or bleeds or pulsates when something happens. They're all various shapes and sizes but somehow manage to make his heart whole. Each person in his life owns a piece; each person adds a necessary part to keeping him whole. They fit together and when the tiniest bit of one is missing he notices it, feels it, acknowledges it, like someone ripped his entire heart out of his chest.
Awsten's is the biggest one.
He remembers how bad it hurt, like someone had put a bullet through his stomach and the hole was expanding, taking, pulling, ripping, until all he could do was collapse to the floor in a flood of sobs and thank god they weren't waking Awsten up yet so he'd have time to pull himself together.
He remembers crawling into bed beside Awsten's limp body, taking him into his arms as best he could amongst all the wires and tubes, feeling his heart detach from its position in his chest and sink down to the pit of his stomach where the nausea was housed, as he reached down to move Awsten's legs and entire bottom half onto their side as well. He remembers biting his lip and trying to look away, feeling the pain explode behind his face and splatter against his skull at the realization.
Awsten would never be able to do that on his own again.
He remembers when they reversed the coma, feeling Awsten come back to life in his arms, feeling only the top half of his body squirming, feeling his eyes start to burn and his head start to ache and biting a hole in his lip because you will not cry in front of him do you fucking hear me you will not cry.
And he didn't cry.
But Awsten did.
Choked, guttural cries that were like arrows shot straight through his heart. He felt them going in and out, felt each subsequent hole they made in his chest, one after another, piercing a new spot each time until the piece of his heart belonging to Awsten was dangling from the rest of the muscle by a single thread.
Awsten cried, ruined multiple of his shirts and didn't lift his head for a very long time. And he bit his lip and rubbed Awsten's back and tried to think of what to say there was nothing he could say there was no way to make it better there was no silver lining to trading in legs for wheels, independence for dependence, the world as he knew it to one that didn't fit him anymore.
He's heard about it in movies and TV shows, how people can literally shut down, but he always thought it was exaggerated, overplayed for the drama, because how is it possible for a human being to actually shut down like that's not a real thing that can't possibly-
And then he watched the brightest, bubbliest, loudest person he's ever known draw the shades and close every curtain, turn from prismatic to achromic, all in a matter of days. The old Awsten was gone and the replacement was someone he couldn't have recognized if they personally came up and hit him in the head.
The hospital told them about heightened mental health issues and the commonality of depression with this type of injury. They told them about seeking out therapy and possibly taking medication and being aware of what was going on before it got too bad.
They didn't tell them about the days upon days of silence, the countless nights spent falling asleep to the soundtrack of Awsten's sobs, the arguments over transferring and accidentally making Awsten piss himself because he couldn't get him to the bathroom in time, Awsten's attempts to turn in his chair and subsequent crashes into every piece of furniture in their apartment, coming home to find him trying to lift himself onto the countertop and struggling to make his legs go in the proper direction, walking in on him trying to dress himself with frustrated tears running down his cheeks as he lifted each leg into the pair of pants and struggled to wiggle them up his ass.
They didn't tell him how unwilling Awsten would be to talk about it, how many slammed doors and outbursts of anger there would be. They didn't tell him about the nights he would pull Awsten as close as he could and try to get him to talk, get him to say something, and all he would get in response was stony silence, how he would eventually give up and act like he'd gone to sleep and unknowingly agree to be witness to Awsten's confession about how everyone would eventually leave, how he would eventually leave, how he'd end up alone.
Who would want someone who has to spend the rest of their life in a wheelchair?
He remembers when Awsten's piece of his heart broke in two.
...
"I really don't think this is a good idea..."
He swallows, feels the saliva travel down his throat and settle in a layer on top of his stomach. Looking down at his lap, he winds his fingers together and begins to slowly pull them apart, bringing his lip in with his teeth.
"Love, hey, look at me." Geoff lifts his chin and bends down onto his knees. "It's gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. It's Jawn's birthday. Don't you wanna have some fun?"
"Invalids don't have fun."
"Awsten." Geoff's voice seems to harden. "You are not an invalid." He grabs both of his hands and squeezes. "Please sweetheart, I hate when you talk about yourself like that. You're doing so well, you deserve to be proud of that. Of yourself. I'm so proud of you."
He inhales. The breath catches in his throat and he stifles a cough. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Geoff cranes his neck to kiss him. Awsten smiles and wraps his arms around Geoff's neck and Geoff moves – still not breaking the kiss – to sit on his lap. One of Geoff's arms snakes behind his back and stays there even when they pull back. He presses his forehead against Geoff's and breathes out again. "Tell me what you're thinking, love."
"I-" His breath hitches. "I don't wanna make a fool outta myself. Don't- don't want the looks if I can't do it. S'gonna ruin Jawn's day. I just- I just wanna be normal, Gee. Like everybody else."
"Oh sunshine, you are." Geoff brings his other arm around and squeezes him tightly. "You are just like everyone else. Nothing is wrong with you, okay? No one's going to laugh at you or get mad at you or anything. We all just love you, Aws, and we want you to have fun today. You deserve to have fun today. Jawn's your best friend and today's his birthday and that's all he wants."
"I got him a gift..."
"The best gift you can give him is having a good fuckin' time today, okay?" He feels the kiss against the top of his head. "Just try. That's all we're asking."
...
Geoff knows Awsten is nervous.
His hands are shaking and slipping off his wheels as he tries to turn them. His eyes are shiny and his cheeks are pink, face flushed from – is that embarrassment? Shame? Discomfort? It's not the kind of pink Awsten turns when he kisses him, all blushy and grinning. It's not a light, sparkly pink. It's a dull and red bordering, Pepto Bismol-esque, fearful, discomforting pink.
His gaze travels from the top of the bouncy slide to its exit. Geoff watches it. He can practically see the wheels turning in Awsten's head, the should I should I not I don't want to make a fool out of myself I don't want to fuck up I don't want to be embarrassed. It's what plays on loop every time he's out in public, the fears and insecurities he's spent so many nights crying over, the confession he made one day, said one word and unleashed an avalanche, burst into tears and eventually told Geoff how bad things really were.
And he got him into therapy and researched every possible way to reassure him and lift his spirits, and for the most part, things are better. The Awsten right after the accident was petrified to leave the house in fear of what could happen. He didn't take any risks or do anything; he locked himself in his room and stared at the wall and punched at his useless legs in hope it would kick start them back into life.
This Awsten is different. He smiles more. He's been wearing color again. He's still nervous and very unsure, covered up by tight smiles and white-knuckles on his chair, but he's leaving the house and going places on his own and accepting the fact that this is permanent and taking his life back.
He's come so far in such a short amount of time, made so much progress, conquered so many obstacles, broke so many barriers...
Went from wishing he'd died in that accident to working out new ways to live with it.
"Geoff?" He shakes his head to clear it and glances over at Awsten. He's fiddling with his hands again, a small, shy smile on his face. "I...I think I'm gonna do it."
"Did you guys hear that?"
"He's gonna do it!"
"Go Aws!"
The pink on Awsten's cheeks deepens. He begins to wheel himself over to the slide and Geoff rushes to follow, slips his phone in his back pocket and brushes his hands together.
"I'll help you up, okay? And then I'll get down and come around with your chair." Awsten nods. His hands are still shaking and his eyes look wild, pupils slightly dilated. Geoff leans in and kisses his cheek. "You're gonna be fine. You can do this. I believe in you."
"I can do this," Awsten repeats softly. "'Kay..."
He slips one arm underneath the crook of Awsten's knees and pushes the other one behind his back. Jawn moves behind them and grips the handles of the chair, and in one fluid motion, he lifts Awsten into his arms and Jawn pulls the chair back.
He carries Awsten over to the slide and proceeds up the stairs to the top, where there's room for both of them to sit. Awsten's legs go first, and then he slips out from under his body and scoots in beside him, takes his hand and brings it to his lips. "You can do this. You are so strong and so brave and I believe in you, okay? Everyone down there does too. We love you so much, sunshine. We're so proud of you."
Awsten is silent for a few moments. He squeezes Geoff's hand and turns up to him, rubs at his eyes with his free hand and swallows visibly. "I'm ready."
Geoff pulls his lip in with his teeth and watches as Awsten pushes off, watches him slide all the way to the bottom and let out a loud cry. It sounds light and airy, full of the mirth he's been missing for so long. There's liquid collecting in his eyes and his vision is blurry because this is all he's wanted for so long holy fuck.
He jumps down from the slide and grabs Awsten's wheelchair and makes his way to the other side of the slide, just in time to hear Awsten speak.
"I just went down a bouncy slide by myself for the first time since the accident."
The words are almost like an admission to himself. He sounds in awe of himself, like he hasn't quite grasped what he's just done. And it's those words that bring a flurry of footsteps and gather a huge crowd around the bouncy slide.
Awsten's sitting on the edge with everyone – Jawn, Daphne, Zakk, Travis, Andrew, Grace, Otto, Gracie – standing around him. Everyone's smiling but Geoff can't take his eyes off the grin on Awsten's face, stretched so wide it looks like it hurts. His eyes are shining. His cheeks are pink, that beautiful shade of rose, glowing in the warm summer light.
"You did it, Aws."
"You were amazing!"
"It's justa slide." Awsten ducks his head slightly. "S'not a big deal."
"It absolutely is a big deal you fucker." Jawn breaks out of the crowd and kneels down in front of the slide to pull Awsten into a hug. Geoff can't hear what he says to him, but the smile on Awsten's face grows, if even possible. He's never seen someone smile this much.
Travis says something and Otto rolls his eyes and reaches over to shove his shoulder and everyone starts to laugh, but again, all Geoff can focus on is the musical laughter leaving Awsten's lips, the light shining from his eyes, the flushed cheeks and warmth emanating from his form. Jawn picks him up and twirls him around and he giggles, hangs onto Jawn's shoulder and closes his eyes, lets himself fly in the wind.
The past six months have been the hardest of his life, and today...
Today he just went down a bouncy slide for the first time since the accident.
Tears are streaming down Geoff's cheeks as he watches Awsten laugh, watches him grin and reach out for Travis, challenge him to do what Jawn just did.
Paralysis used to be the end.
This feels like a new beginning.
#i said this would be short#and it's like 2.5k#what is wrong with me#i need to stop#waterparks#waterparks fanfiction#awsten knight#geoff wigington#gawsten#gawsten fanfiction#neha writes
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When it all gets too much -(Shalaska) by Ty5000
A/N: I Know y’all are waiting for Soccer Punch but I’ve had a really bad few days and I didn’t want to take it out on that universes Sharon and Alaska so instead I wrote this monster oneshot. This is around 5k words which I didn’t event think I was capable of producing in one night but here you go I am really proud of this.
Massive Trigger warnings for eating disorders, depression, suicide and Self harm. It’s pretty dark but I wrote it as a kind of vent/ form of therapy please listen to the triggers and stay safe ily <3
P.S Its 6am and I’ve been writing all night so I proof read the best I could but there may be some mistakes.
Summary : College freshman Alaska suffered with poor mental health in the past and thought that she finally had it all in control until it all gets a little too much .
“Hi, it’s me, I’m just calling to say I won’t make it in today.” Alaska’s voice came out soft and quiet as if she hadn’t spoken all day, well she hadn’t so that made sense.
“Is everything okay sweetheart?” Her boss Kasha replied sounding genuinely concerned for her health.
“Yeah, I’m just not feeling well.” It wasn’t completely a lie she really didn’t feel just not the kind of unwell that you would expect. She wasn’t sure why she was expecting Kasha to believe that though, her boss was incredibly attentive and had made Alaska spill about her past with mental health when she had saw her taking her medication during her first week on the job.
“Okay, Well I’ll ask Courtney to cover your shift tonight it shouldn’t be a problem just let me know if you’ll make it in tomorrow.”
“Thanks Kasha.”
“Take care Alaska.” The older women replied with empathy that she pretended to not hear as she hung up the call.
Alaska let the phone fall from her hand onto her bed, there was nothing she hated more in the world than letting her mental state get in the way of her life. Since starting at university almost three months ago now she had done her best to stay on top of things and worked through the occasional bad spots more so as a distraction than anything else. She had always known in the back of her mind that going to college would be a lot of pressure and despite the doubts from her parents there was no way she wasn’t going to do it, performing arts was her dream and now that she was steadily on that path nothing was going to stop her.
Well that part wasn’t entirely true as it was 2’Oclock in the afternoon and her Broadway history class was just ending yet here she was curled up in bed the same place she had been since she woke up from a troubled sleep at 5am that morning.
That’s the thing about depression, the thing that most people don’t necessarily get: A depressive episode doesn’t need to be caused by anything (It can be of course.) but depression is funny like that it doesn’t need some sad event to rear its ugly head in fact often sadness doesn’t make you depressed, depression makes you sad. It makes you so sad that you almost can’t remember ever having felt anything else, and then just when you think you are used to the sadness it stings you deeper and makes you numb. Numb is okay right? numb is better than feeling miserable right? wrong. The numbness is what paralyses you, what drives you insane, leaves you bed ridden and wishing to just feel something.
Alaska had been feeling it for a week now, the beginning stages of a depressive episode. Her first one since… she thought she was in recovery. It had been over a year. Yet here she was again, and she recognised the feeling all too well: the ball of sadness, loneliness and general irritation brewing inside her, but she fought the urge to curl up on her sofa and instead choose to power through. She had too much at stake. Everyday she would wake up, shower, get ready and leave for class, eat her lunch, go to rehearsals, and then head off to work at the diner. Some days her girlfriend Sharon would come in on her way home from work and spend her break with her. They were both so busy during the week with college and jobs, so the hour of each others company was always welcomed. Routine was key, if she stuck to her routine she could beat this, that’s what the doctors had said.
However yesterday had been the downfall of it all.
Rehearsals weren’t going well. Half of the dancers were away on a field trip and the lead male was extremely hungover and constantly muddling up his lines. Alaska didn’t have a huge part in this play, as a freshman it was extremely difficult to get a notable part in any of the full class productions. As small as her three-lined part was she was just lucky to have a part at all. Only she wasn’t feeling lucky at all, they had been in this room for over half the allocated two hours rehearsal time and they weren’t even close to her lines. She was extremely tired having stayed up most of the night to study for her test in music theory which had caused her to sleep in and almost miss the test itself. Come lunch she had discovered that her wallet had been left at home, Alaska really tried not to skip meals after…. But this couldn’t be helped. Now here she was sitting in the old theatre which was cold in the late November weather and seemingly getting nowhere.
She thanked a god that she didn’t believe in that Wednesdays were her day off and that Sharon Didn’t need to be in work until 12pm on Thursdays meaning she would get to spend some long-overdue time with her girlfriend. Sharon had been so busy since starting her new job working at a popular alternative website keen to make a lasting impression that she didn’t get to see her as much anymore. The selfish part of her liked to awaken her self-doubt and tell her that Sharon didn’t care anymore but Alaska knew better than to let thoughts like that get to her. Sharon had been incredibly lucky to get her foot in the door of her dream job straight out of college and Alaska was happy for her. Really.
Finally, her theatre professor Miss Monsoon let them go, sending them off with a “Good work today people.” That Alaska couldn’t bring herself to believe.
She left the building and walked the ten minutes to her flat in what felt like a record speed beyond excited to be away from the cold for the day and back in the comfort of her own home.
Once safely back at home, curled up on the sofa under a blanket with a mug of warm tea to heat her up and also to curb off the hunger until she could eat with Sharon she pulled out her phone to text her girlfriend.
To : Noodles (at 5.36pm)
God, I have had the worst day I think the worlds out to get me!
What time are you coming over? I need pizza and cuddles.
She casually flipped through some pizza menus mentally preparing her order as she awaited her response
To: Lasky (at 5:40pm)
I’m sorry Lasky I promised Raja I’d work late tonight, we need to finish that article on some cool new punk band but the research department didn’t bother to fact check so I promised I’d help out. Raincheck?
Alaska sighed deeply, of course the world would be so against her today that she couldn’t even have the one thing she had been looking forward to all day.
To: Noodles (at 5:41pm)
You work too hard ☹
I miss you
To: Lasky (at 5:43pm)
I know
I’ll come to the diner on your break tomorrow okay x
To: Noodles (at 5:44pm)
Okay <3
It wasn’t okay.
Alaska’s eyes burned with tears, she felt stupid for crying over something so trivial, but she couldn’t help it, she had been holding onto this one good thing throughout all the shit she’d dealt with today and now it was gone and with it went any remains of a good mood. Just like that the plug she had firmly pressed down over her feelings for the past week was pulled and a wave of surprised emotions emerged sinking the ship that was Alaska. Once the tears started they didn’t stop, she cried and cried a cocktail of sadness, anger, loneliness , exhaustion and stress. Loud aggressive sobs wracked her small frame, her hands reached up to grab her hair pulling tightly as her teeth dug into her lip subduing the urge to scream.
When she finally got herself somewhat under control a good while later her chest was tight and breathing erratic due to her sobbing, her throat and eyes burnt like fire, her head was pounding like a small army was marching on her brain and her bottom lip throbbed angrily from where she had bit down. A stinging in her arm drew her attention down where she discovered angry red scratch marks from where she had subconsciously dug her nails into her skin. It wasn’t by far the worst she had done in the past but staring down at the bright red standing out on top of the white skin already flawed from the past. This is when she realised she was in too deep and she needed someone. She needed Sharon.
To Noodles ( at 7:12pm)
Are you done with work?
Normally Alaska wouldn’t want to bother Sharon with her problems, she always felt that Sharon saw her as a child and found her poor mental health to be an inconvenience more than anything else. She put this down to the fact that she was 18 and could easily be easily seen as a child in the eyes of her 21 year old college graduate girlfriend. Being a freshman who could barely juggle her classes, part time job and social commitments without a daily dose of prescribed medication being seen as immature or too much for her girlfriend to handle was one of biggest insecurities. Sharon however despite appearing to be much more mature with her full-time job right out of college in her chosen field, her own apartment which she had gotten without special circumstances unlike Alaska and a cat was not perfect and had her own problems too. She worried endlessly about the wellbeing of her girlfriend and would never consider her lesser because of her past no matter what Alaska thought.
- - -
Alaska and Sharon first met the previous December almost a whole year ago at the university open day, Alaska had begged her mom to let her come. Her Mother had been hesitant due to the fact her daughter had just been released from the hospital and was unsure if college was such a good idea in her state, especially one three states over that she wouldn’t be able to get to in an emergency but eventually she gave in agreeing that maybe it’s exactly the distraction she needed.
Alaska had bumped into Sharon within her first half an hour in the building, there she was standing behind the information stall for the GSA with two other people who Alaska would come to know as Danny and Katya not that she really noticed them at first, all she saw was the tall girl with the dyed grey hair and black lipstick wearing the torn misfits shirt. She remembered how self-conscious she felt in her black skinny jeans and her pink sweater practically falling off her body as she wobbled like a baby deer towards the stall. She remembered their first words, Sharon being as overly confident and bold as normal and Alaska being shy and quiet in a way that must have come across endearing. She remembers getting more freebies from that stall than anyone else. (she knows this because one of the stickers had a phone number scrawled across it.) She remembers the first time they met up and how lovely it was, she remembers the conversation where they agreed that they had to stay just friends at least until she turned eighteen and she remembers finding her closest friend at GSA stall.
She recalls the night about two months later when her sleeve rolled up too far in the car and Sharon caught sight of her scars. That was the night she told her everything. She told her how she felt worthless how the smart kids thought she was dumb and how the theatre kids didn’t think she was good enough, she told her how she would try to starve herself to perfection and how she’d dig a blade into her skin to punish herself and cry herself to sleep almost every night. She told her about that Halloween night when it all got to much and she chased a bottle of pills with a litre of vodka and went for a bath. She remembers crying, she remembers Sharon crying and she remembers feeling proud for the first time as she tells her that she’s getting better and she really believes it.
She remembers her eighteenth birthday a month later how she celebrated the day with her family and a close group of friends but really all she wanted was for the next day to be here when she could spend it with Sharon. She remembers that day so well how she took her ice skating and to a vegan restaurant because she knew high calorie foods still stressed her out. She remembers the ride home and kissing her goodnight.
She remembers getting her first girlfriend and being happy and confident for once, Sharon makes her happy and confident. (not all the time no one is capable of that, but she helps.) She remembers crying down the phone to her girlfriend when she got the acceptance letter. She remembers her girlfriend crying on her at her graduation because she didn’t know what she was doing with her with life. She remembers the road trip back for her own high school graduation. She remembers how she didn’t go to prom instead she spent her prom night with her girlfriend kissing every inch of her and calling her beautiful and making her see stars all night long.
She also remembers their first fight like it was yesterday. It was the week Alaska moved into her apartment a few days after classes had begun and Sharon was constantly on her back trying to help and offering to do practically everything and worst of all, constantly asking her if she had remembered to take her medication that day. To an outsider it’s an innocent question, a nice incentive but to Alaska it was patronising and made her feel like she couldn’t take care of herself. Of course, when she told this to Sharon she had gotten offended and it had ended in a huge fight. It had been loud and quick with both parties failing to see the others valid view. It ended soon enough with Sharon finally realising that she may have been full on and apologising for worrying and assuring Alaska that she knew she could cope. She finished of her apology with one last line before they cuddled up on the sofa to watch The Golden Girls.
“Just remember if it ever gets to be to much I’ll be here, no questions and no judgement.”
And that is how Alaska fell asleep curled in on herself on the sofa with makeup stained checks and her phone in her hand, thoughts of Sharon running through her head.
- - -
When Alaska jolted awake it was dark out and her mouth was dry, she stumbled blindly into the kitchen for a glass of water, relishing in the brief relief its coolness brought her before moving through the living room, grabbing her phone on her way to the bedroom. Her movements seemed robotic almost working on memory rather than necessity as she whipped of her tear streaked makeup and changed into sweats and a comfortable shirt. She didn’t bother with her usual routine of moisturising or brushing her hair or teeth instead just pulling her hair out of her already messy bun and crawling into the comfort of her bed. Only then did she allow herself to check her phone, the bright screen blinded her momentarily and made her migraine call out in anguish, quickly she turned the brightness all the way down before daring to look again.
The time on the top corner informed her it was almost ten thirty meaning she had been asleep for just over three hours, not that it did anything she was still exhausted. Both mentally and physically.
She pulled down her notification menu to see she had one missed call from her mother (she’ll check that later.) and one text from Sharon. She clicked on quickly eager for a nice distraction from her mind.
To: Lasky (at 9:43pm)
I told you I was working late, I just got home.
Is everything okay?
Alaska paused there was one of two ways she could reply, and she wasn’t sure which would be worse.
To: Noodles ( at 10:29pm)
No. I’m getting bad again Sharon.
I’m scared, I need you please come over.
Her finger paused over the send button, if she sent that she knew Sharon would worry and come over right away with comforting words and soft touches but part of her, the part that had won the battle earlier told her that Sharon would be laughing at how pathetic she was being. Surely, she could get through this without her, she wasn’t a kid after all.
She deleted the message and started again.
To : Noodles (at 10:31pm)
Everything’s Fine I just miss you.
No, it’s not.
To: Lasky (at 10:32pm)
Are u sure?
To : Noodles (at 10:33pm)
Yeah.
No.
See you tomorrow <3
To: Lasky (at 10:34pm)
See u tomorrow bby
I love you
No, you don’t.
To : Noodles (at 10:35pm)
I love you back .
She locked her phone and placed it on the nightside and rolled into her usual sleeping position, not that she was expecting to get much sleep in this condition. So, she lay there lonely and let her thoughts take over.
Her brain tortured her all night reminding her of every wrong move, every stupid question, every time she messed up her lines, every rejection email and every failed attempt at friendship through her life. She’s flashed back to the one party she went to in high school where she hadn’t eaten more than a banana in almost 2 days got super drunk super quick and threw up and passed out in the living room of an acquaintance. Absolutely any memory that she wanted to forget resurfaced over the next two hours.
Just when Alaska was beginning to become exhausted and hot tears were burning behind her eyes as she was pleading with her head to just shut up and let her sleep the worst memory was projected to her. Halloween night 2017.
She still remembers it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision made in the climax of a mental breakdown like it’s portrayed in the movies, no this was a carefully planned for and researched event. Let’s be clear by this point Alaska was pretty secure in the fact that she was dying even if she didn’t directly “pull the trigger” herself she was still dying, she was wasting away with each skipped meal but that was too slow, and she couldn’t wait any longer. It wasn’t an emotional decision for her it was just something that had to be done and it should scare her how little she cared about the impending end of her life. She was numb.
The letter had been written almost two weeks in advance, the Pills secured from a source she couldn’t disclose and finally as an extra measure she had stolen a litre of vodka from the local store. She felt no remorse or guilt for that either. She was numb.
She chose Halloween because it was her favourite day, the only day where she felt like she could be anyone without judgment, the only day where she didn’t have to be herself. It made sense to her to go out on the best day rather than on the “worst day of her life.” A nice ending, not that she deserved it.
When the day comes, she takes care of herself, she sleeps in till 10am, later than she’s slept in so long. She changes into a dress that she had meant to wear to the schools Halloween ball that night, Its short black and lacey with hues of green glitter. It was meant to be part of a witch costume, but she much prefers this use. A glance in the mirror brings her to tears; she looks beautiful, she looks like she’s already dead. She had planned to indulge in one last meal, a cheese cake she’d picked out herself but decided against it, what if her parents wanted an open casket?
Before she knows it, she’s sitting cross legged on her bed, the bath is already waiting. She lays the pills out in rows and takes them two at a time with a mouthful of vodka in between each until she starts to feel fuzzy, not drunk fuzzy, this was different. She took this as her sign to go to the bathroom. She got in with the rest of the vodka just in case and waited and waited and waited. She had to way to tell how long it had been, but she was sure it was hours, her parents must be due home any moment. Just as panic began to set in and she really began to worry about what exactly she had did wrong her ears began to ring and black spots appeared in her vision.
She doesn’t remember much after that, in fact the next few days are a blur of screaming, crying, pain, needles and doctors. She knows that her mom found her in the bath covered in vomit and called an ambulance.
Once at the hospital they pumped her stomach, gave her various IVs with different things such as medication, fluids, and nutrients that her malnourished body craved. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and was admitted to a physch ward where her “recovery process” began but of course her mind didn’t want to focus on the positives.
- - -
Alaska is brought back to reality then a shaking, crying mess. She’s slick with sweat and her heart is pounding at speeds that should be considered dangerous, it’s the same flashback she’d wake up from in the weeks following her attempt screaming and crying but she hadn’t thought about this in so long and she hadn’t been ready to live through it again.
She sprints to the bathroom as waves of anxious nausea make her dizzy, hardly making it as she spits bile into the toilet bowl. It does act as a cold reminder that she hasn’t eaten today. She briefly remembers her sessions with Doctor Visage who has helped her establish an eating schedule to help keep herself on track, she hadn’t really stuck to that in over a week now.
Once her breathing had returned to normal she manages to get herself a glass of water and a protein bar, which she just manages to finish before she passes out into a dreamless sleep.
- - -
Which brings us back to where we left off on Thursday Afternoon.
After the guilt of blowing off her shift for a mental health day had worn off slightly Alaska made the mistake of checking her emails. She didn’t have many as she usually stayed on top of them pretty well, but she did have an email from her Broadway History professor sent only a few minutes ago waiting for her. The subject line “you were absent in class today.” Made the details of the email very clear but never the less she opened it.
From :[email protected]
Subject : You were absent in class today
Hi Alaska,
I see that you were absent today, I am sure you had a very good excuse which I would be understanding about had you notified me before hand as per college protocall!
You missed a fair bit today so please get in contact with me as soon as you can.
Prof.J.Monsoon
Alaska closed out the app as soon as she was finished reading and threw her phone onto her bed, she was not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with whatever work load was waiting for her and she didn’t want any added stress she was already on the constant brink of yet another breakdown.
Instead she chose to listen to her body and attempt to make herself some food. She started of slowly easing her sore body our of bed for the first time in over twelve hours. She entered the bathroom and washed her face which felt swollen from all the crying, she made sure to avoid the mirrors as she did this.
“Okay Alaska you’re doing so good, baby steps.” She whispered to herself as she made her way into the kitchen. This was already so much more than she could handle in a normal depressive episode, but she was determined that this wasn’t going to beat her this time.
She opened the cabinet and tried desperately to ignore that voice that yelled out the calorie count for everything she saw. Soup, yes soup was safe she told herself. The next step was to get a pot and turn on the stove. She could do this.
From her bedroom she heard her phone ding with a notification, but it could wait she decided, distractions weren’t a good idea right now.
Once the stove was hot enough she poured the can of soup into the pot and began to stir it. She was doing so well.
Suddenly the phone began to ring startling Alaska from her train of thought and causing her to drop the spoon. And that’s when it happened.
As she was coming back up from picking up the spoon she accidently nudged the edge of the pot causing it to topple over and spill hot soup right onto Alaska’s bare feet.
“Fuck!” She screamed out as the hot liquid burned her skin. She Jumped away from the mess attempting to find a cloth to clean it up.
“Why are there no fucking cloths!” She yelled as her hand reached up to pull at her hair in frustration.
Her phone began to ring again. “Shut up” She suddenly screamed at the object in question. “shut up shut up shut up shut up!” hot tears burned behind her eyes. God why couldn’t she do anything right.
She turned around quickly remembering that there were some clean clothes in the cupboard above the stove, as she did this she slipped on the soup puddle on the floor. She reached out to grab onto something to save herself and slammed her arm down onto the hot stove. She yanked it away almost immediately with a yelp of pain but instead of running to put the burn under running water she pressed her finger against the inflicted area and winced at the searing pain.
Oh no.
Before she knew what she was doing Alaska was pressing her other wrist down onto the hot stove, and again and again and again until she was sobbing and shaking with the pain.
Unable to take anymore and completely mentally exhausted she slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees crying out brokenly.
At this exact moment the door opened.
“Alaska baby?” Sharon’s voice called out from the hallway clear worry evident in her voice. “Are you home? I went by the diner after work like we planned, and Courtney said you called in sick.”
Alaska bit her lip to stifle her sobs as Sharon came closer to the kitchen, it was a fruitless attempt as she would have to find her eventually.
“Alaska?” She called again “You’re worrying me sweetheart.”
Alaska closed her eyes now preparing for the worst as the footsteps reached the edge of the door way. No going back now.
Sharon gasped as she turned the corner into the kitchen, she probably would have screamed if she had been capable of making any noise at the moment instead she stared at the scene in front of her before bouncing into action.
“Lasky, what happened?” She asked kneeling down beside her and reaching out to touch her shoulder.
Alaska jerked away from Sharon’s touch like it was searing hot, she didn’t deserve this she didn’t deserve to be treated so nice she’d ruined everything. She wanted Sharon to yell to tell her how she’d fucked up and how much of a mess she was but instead the older women just looked at her with sympathy and hurt shinning in her teary eyes. That’s what broke Alaska’s shield. She had cried so much in the last twenty-four hours out of frustration and anger and hurt and exhaustion but this time when the tears started it was an over flow of sadness and of realisation. If she had asked for help last night when she felt herself reach breaking point maybe she wouldn’t be in this position, but she was too scared or too proud and now here she is in the middle of a complete relapse after eleven months and she truly hates herself for that.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Alaska cried out, she wasn’t sure if she was apologising to Sharon, to herself or just because it felt like the right thing to say in this situation.
“Shh it’s okay, it’s okay.” Sharon whispered almost as if she was too scared to speak any louder and scare her off. She reached out to touch her shoulder again only this time Alaska didn’t shy away and instead collapsed into her touch sobbing uncontrollably. Sharon let her lay on her and rubbed her back for as long as she needed until the sobbing subdued.
Alaska lifted herself from Sharon’s lap, hyper aware of the pain that radiated from almost every part of her body.
“I’m sorry you had to see that.” She rasped, her voice hoarse from crying for so long.
“Don’t be, I’m glad I got her before…” Sharon didn’t dare finish her sentence. “You should have told me you were suffering again.”
“I didn’t want to be a burden. You’ve got so much going for you right now and you’re so busy you don’t need a mentally ill kid girl friend too.”
“Hey, no don’t you talk like that.” Sharon began frowning slightly. “I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when we started dating, I always knew this was a possibility, god I hoped it wouldn’t, but I always knew it might and I’d be an asshole if I was willing to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me because she was hurting.” It was Sharon’s turn to cry this time a rare site.
“Do you remember what I said to you after our first fight?” She asked.
Alaska shook her head.
“I said that If it ever got to much again I’d be there. I meant that then and I mean it now, you got through this before and we can get you through it again. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”
- - -
She was going to be okay.
Not right away because that’s not how these things work, it’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and tears and self-discovery but in the end, she’ll be okay. Because if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.
#when it all gets too much#ty5000#alaska thunderfuck#sharon needles#tw suicide#tw self harm#tw depression#tw eating disorder#rpdr fanfiction#submission#college au#lesbian au
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Happy Christmas!
Kathy my dearest!
2019 has not been an easy year but know that you have made it brighter for me. You have been a star in my sky and a guiding light through darkness. You’ve been nothing short of patient with me, sweet and kind. Our conversations are always a highlight in my day and always make me smile. You always listen to me and have been such a good friend. I cherish the heckie out of you, okay?
Our threads are always so engaging, no matter the thread, 21378286 of them in the making and honestly, I’ve not had this much fun in a very long time. Your writing is so inspiring and thriving, it makes me want to better myself every time I write you a reply. You’ve made writing and roleplaying enjoyable for me again. Your muses are so incredibly detailed, to the point where they have become some of my favs in the games because your implemented lore and headcanons have become my canon. XD I adore all our ships to bits and pieces, each of them more surprising than the last and yet we made it work. From Cassie x Hanzo, Cassie x Kuai, Raiden x Hanzo and Hanzo x Becky and possibly more, I just cannot get enough.
I am also in awe before your talent, not just in writing, but your paintings are incredible and absolutely magical. I put your painting in my bedroom and it compliments everything so well! Thank you again for such a wonderful gift from the heart. It means so much to me.
All in all, I just wanted to let you know how important you are to me. You are one of the best things to happen to me in this difficult year, and I cannot thank you enough for bringing with you laughter, joy and creativity.
Thank you for being such a good friend and remember that ily lots! I wish you a wonderful Christmas with family and friends, and may the year 2020 bring you lots of joy!
Love,
Jester
JESTER my LOVE!!
AHHH MY HEART IS DOING FLIPS AND SHIT NOW cause I didn’t expect this at all! It is my most pleasure, and I can say the same because our conversations brighten up even my dullest and most difficult days. As I have mentioned before, the beginning of this year was really depressive and hopeless for me, because I was on the fence about quitting writing and roleplaying together. Then I met my muses (Hanzo Hasashi and Kuai Liang) and met mutuals like you who literally were so receptive of my ideas and really supported my story writing abilities, so much so that I began to be more active in what I am doing. I couldn’t express more gratitude and thankfulness. That shows me how supportive, kind and empathetic you are as a person and it means the whole fucking world to me.
Look, you are such bundle of talent yourself! I am in constant awe of your writing, because it’s so unique, different and well-constructed. I would often read your replies several times to appreciate all the fine similes, metaphors and just poetic perfection that is your writing, because I cannot get enough of it. You really helped me to challenge myself how to write better and plot better with my mutuals and I love all of our ships, regardless of their verses and how unexpected and unlikely it had been at the beginning. I love that we somehow make everything work through development, chemistry and their inexorable connection.
I could pretty much repeat what you already have said to me, but I can concur to the fact that you are one of the best things that ever happened to me this year and I will cherish our friendship and partnership not only through the months we have already solidified, but the upcoming 2020, where our creativity will further flourish. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. Without your graphic help and endless support, my rebranding would never have gone successful as it has, and I am literally having the time of my fucking life with my boys and mutuals like you. Bless you for all that you’ve done for me, it really, really means a lot to me that you support what I do online.
I wish you a splendid Christmas and a Happy New Year! Our grammas will mature yet another year and hopefully will be able to bring lots more good contents on our respective blogs. I hope you have marvelous time with your family and friends as well, and we’ll of course, talk through Discord.
With most love,
Kathy <3
#✗ breathing iron and rust (outofkombat)#(LOOK why are you making me cry in the morning)#(but happy christmas eve and thanks so much for this wholesomeness)#heamatic#submission
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