Htgawm ended a while ago and I've yet to see a single person talk about nowalk's weird favoritism towards laurel

Megumi and Toji

Megumi knows almost nothing about his father, his early memories are of being abandoned. His only family is Tsumiki as far as he’s concerned. It’s clear he doesn’t regard himself as a Zenin, or Toji’s son. He doesn’t even recognize Toji when they meet again briefly. However, though Megumi’s not even aware of it there’s a lot of story parallels between father and son. Toji serves as a cautionary tale of what Megumi could become if he does not grow up and learn to handle his emotions properly. MORE UNDER THE CUT. 

1. Inherited Trauma 

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this yet, but the Zenin family definitely has issues. They exclude anything which does not fit their arbitrary standards as an outsider. We don’t really know Toji’s backstory. We don’t have to know either, it obviously doesn’t excuse his actions. However, we see the after-effects of him being thrown out and scapegoated by his own family by the time we see him in the hidden inventory arc. Not only that, but from the clan’s treatment of Maki, we can theorize a little ibt of what Toji has been through. 

Maki and Toji were both born without cursed energy and labeled as defective and wrong because of it. It’s clear both of them developed bad, hostile, even downright violent personalities in order to cope with a home environment that was constantly hostile to them. 

In Maki’s case, it’s not that Maki is a hateful person it’s that she’s conditioned not to accept any kind of love because she was never shown the unconditional love of a family she was owed. When Yuta tries to accept her, Maki rejects him because she doesn’t know what that feeling of acceptance and security is like if it’s unearned. She ties it to strength, she has to be stronger than the Zenin clan, she has to prove she’s better than them and that they were wrong about her in order to earn it. 

Maki is so busy trying to reject everything that the Zenin clan stands for, that she can’t really accept other people’s feelings at all positive or negative. She’s too busy thinking about herself, protecting about herself, trying not to hate herself that even the feelings of Mai who loves her, but in a more complicated way is something she can’t accept. She doesn’t want to think about mai’s feelings because she’s too busy with her own, Mai is an afterthought to her. 

Maki has a complicated way of dealing with the abuse of the Zenin family, and I assume Toji did too. The only difference is that Toji is an adult, whereas Maki is still an adolescent. Toji was set in his ways, Maki is still in the middle of changing. 

Toji is labeled as “the one who is left behind, the one who is free”, it’s very likely especially considering the way he treats Megumi and distances himself from anyone related to him, that Toji’s way of dealing with the Zenin family was to simply reject all of it. He couldn’t accept the hatred of his family, but at the same time he also couldn’t accept any kind of positive emotions too, like love between a father and son. It’s likely Toji can’t even accept the idea of having a family, or the unconditional love of a family because he’s never had it - not that any of that is Megumi’s fault.

 Toji grew up completely isolated from his own family until he was eventually thrown out, and he probably had no idea how to raise a family, but he turned around and inflicted those same circumstances on Megumi. Toji grows up alone, Toji makes Megumi grow up alone because he fails to provide for him as a father. 

Toji deliberately made a choice to throw out Megumi along with the rest of his family trauma, that’s his self reflection upon the moment of death. He wanted to throw away everything and live for hismelf, but he threw away Megumi too. 

However, from Meugmi’s perspective his father gave him the name ‘Megumi’ and left. Apparently Toji was around so little that Megumi doesn’t even recognize his face whent hey meet again as a teenager. He married Tusmiki’s mom, got a divorce, and presumably left Megumi there. 

Megumi grew up with no idea of what a family was, except for his step sister, and also completely isolated from others. He grew up with the same sense of isolation and distance from his family that Toji did, lacking totally in the unconditional love a child needs from his parents in order to grow up, because Toji was never even around for Megumi. Megumi just by default assumes that his father either didn’t love him, or just plain forgot about him. 

2. Like Father, Like Son.

However, despite the fact Toji wasn’t even around to raise his son, Megumi turned out a lot like Toji. There’s a lot of parallels between father and son, probably because as stated above Megumi grew up in isolated circumstances, completely cut off, never truly receiving the parental love or guidance that he needed to help him mature into a emotionally healthy adolescent able to process his feelings and handle them properly. 

Both Megumi and Toji respond to their emotional trauma in the same way, by suppressing themselves and all their feelings, and rejecting the feelings of everyone around him. Megumi isn’t even able to hear the news that his dad died, because he insists that already in first grade, he doesn’t care about his dad or even want him around. 

This is you know, a lie of course. Megumi’s a first grader. All children want a parent. It’s just, Megumi’s way of dealing with his feelings is to just pretend that they’re not there, to pretend he doesn’t care. A first grader is not really mature enough to think of his family situation in these terms, or cope with these feelings. Megumi is simply pretending to be mature as a way of pretending to deal with his hurt feelings. 

We as the audience know that Megumi is a deeply caring, and deeply feeling person. However, Megumi himself seesm to be in denial of this fact. 

Megumi’s response to all of thes icky gross feelings he has for people, soft feelings that makes him feel vulnerable because while Megumi cares deeply, circumstances have taught him that people do not care about him, or at least Toji didn’t care enough in Megumi’s eyes to stick around. Megumi’s response is the same as Toji’s, he shuts everyone out, he insists he doesn’t care about anyone. 

He can’t accept anyone’s feelings because he’s too busy rejecting everyone. He can’t even accept the positive feelings of familial love his sister has for him, he almost begrudges her for it. Tsumiki chose to see him as family, different from Toji who he feels didn’t choose him and Megumi just couldn’t realize that until it was too late. He’s so used to being abandoned and unchosen that he doesn’t know what familial love even looks like in Tsumiki. 

This is also something that Toji does to Megumi. It’s said in a bonus in volume 8 or volume 9 that after the death of Megumi’s mother, Toji insisted that he “stopped caring about everything.” We see this repeat when he’s about to sell Megumi to the Zenin clan. 

Toji insists he doesn’t care, while Megumi tries to creep back into his thoughts, and he keeps trying to help him in indirect ways. Toji wishing for a better future for his son than he had, while at the same time, selling him off for the money he plans to gamble away at the race track. Toji forgetting his son’s name, and then remembering it on the brink of death and asking his enemy to do something about it. These are all compeltely contradictory behaviors because Toji has no healthy, adult way of processing his emotions. 

He’s just used to pretending he doesn’t care about things, that even when he obviously does care it’s what he keeps falling back on. It’s the same as Megumi’s complex with saving people, he insists he hates people, that he doesn’t want to save them, and then he goes far out of his way to save people like Yuji. 

3. Growing Out of Your Father’s Shadow

They process emotions the same way, both insisting that they don’t care about anything around them, the only real difference is their priorities. Toji is a self centered person who prioritizes himself above all others. Megumi’s a self sacrificing person, he’s continually belittling himself for the sake of other people. Megumi belittles himself to the point where he insits he could never be strong enough to challenge Gojo. Being the strongest individual is just never his priority. 

Toji however is someone who climbed to the top of the Jujutsu World to try to prove he could become a better fighter than them without any cursed energy. Megumi is someone who ran away from the challenge of becoming stronger than Gojo, but Toji wanted to prove himself stronger than Gojo so badly he stayed and fought a fight he knew he couldn’t win. 

However, even though their priorities are total opposites, Toji prioritizing himself, and Megumi prioritizing other people above himself they both end up in the same place. They’re both incredibly self destructive people. Toji stayed and fought with Gojo, knowing that he would die. When Megumi is pushed to his limit in Shibuya, rather than try to run away he also sacrifices himself in order to summon Mahoraga in a suicidal move against his opponent. They are even paralleled in the way they’re drawn. 

I think the takeaway from all these connections set up between Toji and Megumi is that even though Megumi doesn’t know his father well he’s a lot like him. They both handle their emotions in the same way, insisting that they don’t care when they in fact care deeply. They both repress all of their emotions until they go crazy from it. 

Toji literally springs from Megumi’s shadow. The shadow is the symbol of repressed emotions. Emotions that people are conscious of, the ones they acknowledge are usually represented by light, deeper emotions, the ones they repress and refuse to acknowledge are then referred to as the shadow. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. The more Megumi pretends not to care about his father or his family situation, the deeper the shadow underneath his feet grows. 

Being underneath your father’s shadow is even a common phrase used to describe people who are unable to escape from their parents, and become their own person. There is a connection between Megumi and his father between Megumi and the Zenin, even if Megumi likes to pretend it’s not there, like when he denies any similarity between himself and Kamo Noritoshi.

 A lot of Megumi’s life is dictated by his family circumstances too, he’s just in denial about it. Kamo’s aware to sympathize with people because he’s far more aware fo himself and his family circumstances, Megumi denies sympathizing with other people, because he doesn’t have any sympathy for himself either. 

Zombie Megumi is colored in pure shadow. He’s even referred to as a manifestation of the repressed feelings of the Zenin clan. Those who are restrained by their connection to the Zenin clan, all look in awe at the one who broke free from the Zenin, and free from everything. 

Megumi exhibits the act same behavir as Toji. He suppresses himself, suppresses himself, and suprresses himself and then he just goes crazy. Megumi claims he’s not the strongest, he doesn’t care about being strong, but then he pulls moves like summoning the Mahoraga and Domain Expansion. Megumi just holds himself in until he violently lashes out on everything around him too, he’s hurt feelings waiting to explode. 

Which is why Megumi learning more about his father and the connection between them could be a good thing, not because Megumi necessarily owes Toji anything, but that he could learn from Toji’s mistakes. When Megumi sees his own unhealthy behavior exhibited in another, he can learn to accept the things that Toji could not accept. He could learn to accept connections like family, and friednship, before they become chains that hold him down too hard, until he breaks everything and himself trying to be free. Megumi dosen’t have to become the strongest like Gojo, he doesn’t have to surpass or fight against the Zenin clan. He doesn’t have to save everyone in the whole world like Yuji. The best thing for Megumi’s character development would be for him to learn to accept his own feelings and the feelings of others without going crazy. That’s a strength that neither Toji, nor Gojo could never find in themselves. 

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

Reaction umbrella academy. Ep 10, s1:

- looks like reggie is a time traveler. But with his wife was he in the past or future???????

- GLAD LUTHER TRIED TO APOLOGIZE TO POGO. AS YOU SHOULD.

- I understand possessed vanya destroying the rooms she felt excluded from, but tell me a memory of luke and allison doing unplatonic things trigger you??? Girl who wants to cockblock. If anything the usual reaction is to go “shit sorry” and then leave😭 i just feel like that’s an odd memory to trigger her. Felt more like a reminder of allison and luther’s feelings going on since they were young, than something that upset vanya.

- god I understand she was possessed sort of and not in control but how she murdered pogo? Even if i can like her and all she can never be my fave. That was horrible. Him and Grace were the only love she got as a child. To murder him like that and watch him as he struggles with his last breaths?? Awful. Im glad his death was emotional and luther was hurt. An emotional scene is what pogo deserved :(

- mom’s moment is heartbreaking too.

- uhm.... can we just take a moment to realize this is all happening because five left for like 30 minutes?? Sjfjdjf literally nothing would have happened if he had stayed. I just KNOW he would have called them dumb for locking vanya and talked to her himself bc her demons talked to her.

- WHY DO THEY ALWAYS ASSUME KLAUS IS LYING HIS POWER IS LITERALLY THE DEAD HOW DOES THAT NO MAKE SENSE U STUPID FUCKS. HE DIDNT LIE ABOUTUR DAD EITHER WHH WOULD HE LIE ABOUT THIS

- damn fuck you got me. I started the show bc i saw a fun edit of s2. Ik allison finds a husband and loves him very much, but fuck im rooting for her and luther to end up together a little?????? They just have a bond sjdjdjd i hate the writers for this they really should have just had a strong sibling bond but here we are :/

- respect to hazel for that cha-cha has me tired. Has anyone had the conversation that from the only black women in the show the dark skin one is the insufferable one?? No?? We still waitong on that!? Would have literally made more sense to have her be in the position of hazel and hazel be the sort of power hungry one. I dont even blame the show, Netflix just had such bad reputation with dark skin female characters. Still glad cha-cha got fucked tho sjdjdjf

- why is diego on luther’s ass about a plan and being a leader as if he wasn’t just as bad lmaoooo. Y’all don’t function unless is under five or allison’s instructions sir pls sit tf down you BOTH useless.

- IS THAT THE COMMISSION?? GOD I HATE THEM

- PLS AGNES MUST BE SO CONFUSED SEEING THE LITTLE BOY HAVE THIS MUCH AUTHORITY WITH THIS OLD ASS DANGEROUS WOMAM SHDJD

- five is literally the only one that ever makes sense. However the one thing he lacks is communication. He keeps wanting to save everyone on his own and keeps leaving them in the dark. Had he told them earlier of apocalypse with vanya there this wouldn’t happen. Had he told them more about everything he wouldn’t be pulled away so easily. He gotta work on not thinking himself as the one carrying everyone and rely on them more. Altho i agree with him that he is the smartest. The others getting angry at that is dumb. He is 58 anyways and all he had to do for decades was read books. So that’s a given.

- i was gonna say thank you luther but never mind. WHY ARE MAN SO DUMB LET ALLISON DO IT DAMN IT.

- damn it agnes she really is an angel “everyone has a past” god i love her

- also i wanted five to kill the handler im a little :/

- men ruined it. Couldn’t let vanya have this. After all the shit, i like vanya more than luther and diego. I don’t dislike them BUT THEY NEVER FUCKINF LISTEN.

- OKAY HOLD UP THE FINALE WAS A LOT OKAY.

- im soso glad hazel and agnes made it and escaped. Agnes deserves the world thank u for coming to my ted talk

- i can see why allison in s2, being separated and not knowing if luther is alive AND having him constantly ignore her bc “he knows better” caused her to marry someone else later and offer him to go with her. I honestly do like luther and allison and they prob will be endgame, but he has to learn to listen to her and know they can protect each other and is not always him protecting her. He has to get the “but im the leader” bs out of his head to make it work with her. Which im guessing will happen in s3 later on anyways.

- if only they listened to FUCKING ALLISON

- i wonder if allison had just like,,,, hugged vanya instead of scaring her with the gunshot the apocalypse wouldn’t happen????

- i see they aren’t escaping but rather five has a plan to run away and just start again in order to solve it. Makes sense.

- YES KLAUS U GO BABY AND BEN!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THEY DESERVE!!!!!

- glad cha-cha died goodness gracious

- i liked that the children appear on the last shot of the circle. If only andy mustard ugly ass would have taken notes for It Chapter 2 BUT I DIGRESS

Overall good season good show. I liked it. I like all characters but top 3 are def allison, five, and klaus. And ben. So top 4 bc ben is a puppy who i will always love a treasure. Hope we keep seeing klaus’ powers grow too.

Gayonetta: Some Thoughts on My Favorite Video Game

So here’s the tea; Bayonetta is my favorite video game, as of the time I’m typing out this whatever-this-is. I just wanted to put some thoughts down. The teaser trailer has dropped for the third game, but we’ve received no other news yet. 

My first experience with Bayonetta was when I got the first two games for the Wii-U in...I think 2015? Maybe 2016. It was a gift, I know that. But I can’t remember if it was for my birthday or Christmas, let alone the year. But I know it was while I was being homeschooled, so I have a rough idea. I played for about an hour, got stuck on a puzzle, and didn’t touch it again until I turned 18 and decided to start over from the beginning on a whim. And, goddamn, did it make an impression. I couldn’t put it down. Before, when I got home from school, I would have a snack, let the dog out, and take a nap until my mom got home from work. But after picking up Bayonetta, I would go home and play the game all afternoon and evening, only stopping to eat dinner, shower, and other necessary tasks. 

I absolutely loved the game, and everything about it. It kicked my ass hard during my first playthrough though. I lost track of how many times I died. However, I never wanted to stop playing. Most, if not all, the deaths were my own fault. And I was having too much fun to stop in any case.

The story of the amnesiac witch resonated with me for one reason or another. The entire story did, if I’m being honest. Bayonetta was a character I loved. Honestly, I love almost every character in the first game. Bayonetta was stylish, strong, attractive, strategic, clever, and funny. She was guarded, but kind beneath it. She had a lot of baggage, and had difficulty dealing with it. 

I can’t get enough of her relationship with Jeanne. I don’t care what hets have to say. It’s canon if you ask me. The creators posted art of it, and BayoJeanne was included on a poll of the most popular canon pairings from that company. Also, it’s heavily implied in the games themselves. It’s canon that they live together. In one of the documents you can find in the second game, Luka compares Bayo’s quest to save Jeanne to lovers in mythology going on quests to save each other. Let’s not forget the climax of the first game either. That’s gay. No denying it. And, Bayonetta literally goes to hell to rescue Jeanne. Not to mention her reaction when she saves jeanne. She breaks down, thinking she failed, but when Jeanne wakes up, the first thing she says is ‘What, do you need a wake-up kiss?’. They’re lovers, you absolute fools. Here’s the tea sis. She and Jeanne live together. There’s that fan art in the Eyes of Bayonetta where Bayo’s pulling the blankets off of Jeanne to wake her up, and Jeanne is naked. The fact that both Bayo and Jeanne absolutely break down and start crying when they think the other has died. Also, the demon that sends Jeanne to hell? It was Gomorrah. Anyone familiar with Biblical lore will know that Sodom and Gomorrah was the capital of Queer. The ending of the first game is the gayest shit I’ve ever seen. “We’re both one of a kind.” That hits me in the heart. That is the thing that a queer kid (who doesn’t yet know they’re queer) hears and feels a connection to, and doesn’t know why. They know they’re different but they can’t put a finger on it. Also “Now those are the eyes I’ve been wanting to see.” That is incredible. Oh, and “I’m ok!” then “Just stay close to me!” 

Jeanne is a non-binary lesbian, Bayo is bisexual. That’s it, chief.

Anyway, back to me resonating with the story. I mega-resonate with the gay shit, don’t get me wrong. But that’s not all that hits me. Bayo’s guarded personality. Her constant flirting and joking. She acts like she doesn’t give a shit about anything, and she probably doesn’t about most things. But she does have soft spots. Particularly her loved ones, and children. Also. Her relationships with those around her, specifically her parents and the Umbra witches as a whole (excluding Jeanne). She has a shitty relationship with her father, Balder, in the first game. In the second game, when it’s revealed that Balder’s asshole actions were the result of possession, there is a real emotional conflict for her there. She cries. The only other times she has cried on screen (as an adult) were when her mother died, and when she thought Jeanne was dead. That says some shit. 

Nevermind what Jeanne must be going through from this revelation.

For a more in-depth analysis of the queer themes in Bayonetta, I recommend reading Reading Bayonetta as a Queer Disabled Woman; a meta. by Aurora_Lua (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21080381)

Oh, side note, I also love the implication that Umbra witches are a society of queer women who mostly pair with their own. And that Lumen sages are a society of queer men who mostly pair with their own.

Bayonetta is as close to perfect as I’ve ever seen in a video game. The story, the characters, the aesthetics, the visuals, the music, the gameplay, the bosses, the levels, everything. It’s all slappin. Bayonetta 2 is a good game too, don’t get me wrong. But, in my opinion, it's not as good as Bayonetta 1. 

Here are the things it does better. The character designs. I like the designs for Bayonetta, Jeanne, and Luka better in Bayonetta 2. I just find them more fitting and also much more aesthetically pleasing. Maybe it’s just me, but Bayonetta’s beehive gave me second-hand embarrassment sometimes. I liked that we got to see more of Balder and Rosa. 

Ok now onto something very iconic. The music. There are several tracks, both vocal and instrumental, that I enjoyed and still remember from the first game. The music in Gates of Hell, the Angel Attack version of Mysterious Destiny, the music that plays during the final fight against Jeanne, the track for the fight with Balder, Mysterious Destiny, Let’s Dance Boys, and of course, Fly Me to the Moon. The only tracks I can remember off the top of my head from the second game are Tomorrow’s Mine and Moon River. They’re both great songs, but still. 

Bayonetta (both the games and the character herself) remains a modern queer icon. And I eagerly await the third game, which will surely be just as (if not more) queer as its predecessors. Oh and it’ll probably be a kickass game too.

For the Star Wars questions- 16 & 19. :)

Thank you!!! (y’all this got ridiculously long for two damn questions lol)

Send me a number and i’ll tell u my fave/least fave:

16. Book/Comic (Aight, so I’m actually not a huge comic reader in general, most of my comic knowledge comes from other fans on here posting about them, so this is gonna be mainly book-focused)

FAVE:  Welllllll, since I’m literally incapable of narrowing down my favorite anythings, I’m gonna do faves for both canon and EU novels.  

Canon-wise, it’s a tie beween A New Dawn and Ahsoka.  I know I don’t post about them as much on here, but I truly have a super soft spot for Kanera and Kanan and Hera’s characters, they’re just so GOOD and I love themmmmm aaaaaaaaa.  You get super good insights to how Kanan was running wild and traumatized and trying to repress everything and how Hera was a little naïve but still tough as nails and she had a dream and she was going to make it happen or so help her, ugh I just love how the story showed how they’re strongest as a team working together and I just love character dynamics where the two are so obviously married and kinda snark at each other sometimes but they have each other’s backs through everything and know each other like the back of their hands and uggghhhh this is just such a healthy good ship and such a good book.  The Ahsoka novel is just fantastic all on its own because it shows Ahsoka as a young adult, kinda floundering and lost in this new world, full of guilt over what happened with Anakin and the Order, trying to do what she can to help people and just enduring because she’s a survivor, she was raised (by two argumentative, adoptive parents who love her very much SO SAYETH THE BOOK) to be a survivor and handle herself, but that doesn’t mean she’s not lonely as all hell.  And oof I just fucking adore Kaeden Larte and her relationship with Ahsoka (who absolutely comes back and marries her once the war is over oh yes) and her relationship with Miara and ugh just all of it is A+++++.  E.K. Johnston is just an amazing author in general and her other book, Queen’s Shadow is one of my two canon runner ups because I am in love with her Sabé and her Padmé.  Other canon runner up is A Certain Point Of View, if only for the “Time of Death” chapter.  Don’t get me wrong, the rest of it is also fantastic, but oh god it kills me DEAD OBI WAN DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER AND I CRY I REALLY CRY

EU-wise (oh god, I haven’t even gotten to least-faves yet), it has to be the Revenge of the Sith novelization.  Without a question.  Y’all it’s SO FUCKIN’ good, and in my personal opinion should be considerrred canonnnnnn (look I think the reason they gave for excluding it is that there’s no mention of Ahsoka or Rex or Mandalore or any of the stuff that happened literally the day before which is valid, but I counterpoint that Anakin is a mess with A Lot Going On At The Moment, he could have just forgot?  He forgets most of his morals, all of his common sense, and three of his limbs by the end of the story, Snips could have just slipped his mind! xD).  Anyway, besides the fact that it’s like 99% written in Obikin-colored glasses which really just makes me happy as a person because I love it being acknowledged just how important they are to each other, it really offers a deeper insight INSIDE the chaos going on in Anakin’s head, the mess, just why he falls so quickly and so awfully.  I love it gives the Padmé plot that got cut on screen some validity.  The beautiful beginning and the goddam introductions to Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are just A++++++++++++++ and oof other people can more accurately describe just how good this book is, but I love it a Big Lot ok?

LEAST FAVE:  Okey doke, here we go....  So firstly for canon, I’m not the biggest fan of how Claudia Grey writes Leia’s character.  She’s a wonderful storyteller and I love her worldbuilding, but just the way she characterizes Leia herself never felt... right, ya know?  Idk, I can’t really explain it, but it makes it difficult for me to enjoy her Leia novelsWarning right now that this is a VERY unpopular opinion and my opinion alone, please do not yell at me!  So as skilled and admired an author Timothy Zahn is, I don’t like the Thrawn books.  I’m sorry, I don’t.  To me, Thrawn is just.... ok so he’s like BBC!Sherlock but in space.  The plot makes a big deal about how “oooh cool and intelligent and Literally Better Than Everyone Else” Thrawn is, but the only way they really show his “cleverness” is by either him solving problems by pulling together information that literally no one but the writer knows and then acting like it was oh so obvious and in front of everyone OR, the story dumbs down other characters to make him look smart.  And maybe it was because the one Thrawn book goes after Anakin/Vader in particular to do the latter is what kinda ticked me off on Thrawn books in general, but y’all, it really ticked me off, because Anakin is like the lowest hanging fruit for an author to pick to make their character look good in comparison, and therefore it is done All The Time (LOOKING AT YOU, CLONE WARS), which I think is lazy and an insult to Anakin’s character.  Look, I am fully aware Anakin Skywalker is a dolt to the highest degree sometimes, but he is ALSO A GENIUS.  He is SMART.  IT IS CANON THAT HE IS SMART.  So when the Thrawn book has Thrawn constantly one-upping Anakin The Useless Doofus (and Padmé a bit!!!) and then doing it again once he meets him as Vader, that just makes me hmmmm.

The canon comics are actually gonna be featured on the list here a bit because if y’all don’t already know my hatred for That One Particular Vader Comic (not the rest of the series run as I have not read it and from what I hear, it’s excellent and I’d probs like it a lot) doing the implication in a dream sequence where it says that Palpatine used the Dark Side to impregnate Shmi and create Anakin, well I HATE IT.  Look, I know the plot was literally about Sidious trying to mess with Vader’s head and that dream shouldn’t be trusted, but it fooled all the fans too and now like 60% of Star Wars fans actually believe Sidious fathered Anakin and I am so damn tired of hearing about that.  Yeah, now that Reylo is canon, that comic’s authors are trying to do damage control by saying that no, Sidious isn’t Anakin’s father and Rey and Ben are not second cousins, but they’re still being mysterious about it and “oh well it COULD be this--” so now there’s just more fans who are digging into that theory just because they don’t like Reylo and I don’t really care for the ship either but I really HATE the entire “Born of the Dark” concept for reasons I can explain more separately, so I’m pissy at that particular comic for spawning it.  I know it’s petty but I do.

EU-wise, well, this is gonna be unpopular too, cuz I haven’t read most of the EU stuff, and from what I’ve heard of it, there doesn’t seem to be much that I WOULD like.  The movie novelizations all seem good, but everything else???  “Obi Wan prequels but guess what, he had a shitty childhood too!” uh, no thanks, the rest of his life sucks enough, I want to see him happy.  “Mandalorian worldbuilding, but they’re all a bunch of stoic, overpowered badasses who are Good At Everything And Better Than Literally Everyone and the plot bashes the Jedi left right and center!” ehhhhhhhh pass.  “What happened after Return of the Jedi, except the Skywalkers still don’t get a happy ending because the galaxy goes to war again, Han and Leia’s son turns evil, Luke Suffers, and Palpatine comes back again!” nah, that sounds too depressing-- oh wAIT :) :) :)(at least the EU actually lets Han and Leia grow old and happy together okay okay that’s enough sequel salt for one day)

19. Outfit

FAVE:  Everything Padmé Amidala wears in the movies.  No I will not narrow it down.  I am in love with her whole wardrobe and I want it. 

 I also love the standard Jedi tunics and tabards and cloak (c’mon, the cloak completes the picture!)  It’s just such a signature and unique look that’s supposed to combine medieval European knight tunics and samurai warrior clothing and just the #aesthetic is oof, just wonderful.

Also Sabine Wren’s armor and its various paint jobs.  It’s just so uniquely her and bright and beautiful and badass in all its stages and yes good I like it.

Also Lando Calrissian’s cloaks!  Swooshy and colorful and good!  I love cloaks!  

LEAST FAVE:  Gonna go with my petty, silly ones first, and those are all of Padmé Amidala’s outfits that are only seen in the The Clone Wars TV show (so not the ones that were based off of movie costumes).  Eh, actually three of them were nice, her orange outfit she visits Mina in, her white casual housedress, and her black slinky Clovis dress.  All of her other series-only outfits made me highkey pissy because they were either A.) Wrong for the situation she was in, B.) Defied the laws of physics and should not have held the shape they did/stayed on her body, or C.) just plain UGLY (the highest crime of all), and for the animators to have the audACITY to put any of those things in the mere vicinity of the most stylish woman in the galaxy is an insult to Padmé, an insult to ME, and an insult to Star Wars as a whole (yes, I am mostly joking, but come on!).  No, I will not give the designers the excuse of clothing being difficult and expensive and time consuming to animate because I have SEEN the fancy, PRETTY outfits of the other ladies of Padmé’s status on the show.  Everything Satine Kryze wore was intricately beautiful as all hell and I loved it.  Riyo Chuchi’s two outfits were lovely and fashionable.  Heck, I’m pretty sure I liked Mina Bonteri’s outfit too.  There were tons of people on that show with stylish clothing!  How hard would it have been for the animators to remember Padmé doesn’t wear exposed midriffs on official government business?  That dresses with no sides or back cannot be sleeveless or they will not stay up?  Not give her hairstyles that looked like either a goddam tuning fork or like Jimmy Neutron’s mother?  That beige jumpsuits are BORING and adding a mauve vest is NOT enough to make it exciting!!!! xD xD xD 

Aight, now in more seriousness, I also hated both of Ahsoka’s outfits in the original TCW show.  Enough people have spoken on why sending a fourteen year old into an active warzone in a tube top and miniskirt is a BAD IDEA, but like it just makes me extra mad when you remember her older and more experienced at Not Getting Pulverized Masters were both in full concealing robes and chest and shoulder and shin armor, so you can’t even pass it off as Jedi not getting hurt as easily.  Her updated outfit was only slightly an improvement because her Masters STILL got at least fully covering robes and arm bracers, while Ahsoka still had her entire back exposed, leg holes exposing valuable arteries and stuff, and a goddam boob window that basically signals “shoot me here”.  Look, I know the animators goofed, and I know how they have learned from it because from Rebels on, they never show her as improperly covered for battle, in the new TCW season both outfits are cute and practical too, but seeing her running around in her red outfits actively impeded and took me out of my watching experience because I was cringing over her having a lack of protection, that it made her that much more vulnerable to injury.

Finally just gotta give a standard raised finger to the Slave Leia Bikini.  Carrie Fisher hated it so I do too.

SD/R2 OMO HEADCANONS (Pt1)

Decided it was probably time for me to post a list of my omo hcs for this game since I did the THH chars! Like with the other list, I'll be excluding a couple I have no interest in thinking of omo content of (in this case, Hiy/oko and Teru/teru). I'm breaking this one into multiple posts throughout the week as I compile my thoughts (I'll add a link to all of them on the fic masterlist page later so you can find them all) because I feel this is gonna be a lot longer than my THH post haha!

Here we go, the first 3 (or 4) chars! Please stop reading now if you don't want spoilers for the game bc there will be several!!!

~~~

Gun/dham:

* I firmly hc him as vegetarian (not vegan. He will consume byproducts like milk/cheese/eggs/etc, but only harvested himself or from small farms/sources that he has personally vetted/researched where he knows 100% that the creatures are treated ethically.)

* That's actually not omo-related besides milk oops but it relates to my next point, which is that for the most part he prefers Natural food/drink. Water, fruit or vegetable juices/smoothies, etc. He's not really used to strange 'Human' confections like soda or coffee, so the caffeine and diuretics hit him hard and fast and make it difficult for him to estimate how much time he has. It also makes him jittery/hyped as hell which Does Not Help.

* As long as he isn't screwed over by caffeine or a ton of drinks, he has a decently strong bladder and can hold for a long time. He has a lot of practice from hiding/waiting to help certain animals, laying trapped under sleeping cats/dogs, etc. And also avoiding public restrooms like the Plagues they are for most of the day...

* He's bladdershy AF and has been since early childhood. I saw he had signs drawn on the doors/curtain in his room during my playthrough (including the bathroom) and that is definitely his safezone. Can't go outside either bc 1. He's paranoid he'll be seen by other ppl and 2. That feels disrespectful to the nature deities despite the logic that animals do it all the time. He knows that's dumb and he hates himself for it.

* Sometimes I do like to ignore the bladdershy hc just for some variety. Even in that case tho he'd still be a bit of a diva about which public bathrooms he uses. If it's gross or weird he's gonna avoid it/complain/refuse to go even if bursting. He's stubborn af

* We all know he canonically goes commando. Therefore he is in extra danger because any leaks will go straight to his pants RIP Since he usually wears black it isn't that visable (as long as it's just a bit and not a full wetting), but if he ever has to wear smth else u know he's screwed c':

* He's not very vocal when desperate at all. Mostly strangled whines or grunts (only when alone or if so urgent he can't hide it), he's just so easily embarrassed that he can choke most sound.

* He can also hide his body language pretty well. He can manage to keep himself to rigid posture and the occasional shudder or fidget if needed. Only when he's beyond caught and about to wet will he resort to obvious grabs or dances in front of others.

* Even if he wet he wouldn't cry (I don't seem him crying much for anything tbh, barring extreme things like death). He's angry at himself and extremely ashamed. He would get red as a tomato, attempt to slink away and avoid any witnesses for several days. Could get snippy or hide in his shell all pitiful, depending on the person.

* When alone or sure he can't be caught, he'll fidget more once things are dire. Mostly his long-ass legs. Jiggling, crossing, bending at the knees or bouncing up and down, shuffling from foot-to-foot, everything. He doesn't really do much with his hands beyond a quick crotch-squeeze.

* He'd def let Haj/ime or So/nia dom tf out of him as far as making him hold/lose control, he's submissive and enjoys the challenging test of limits. However, I could also see him totally having a thing for 'marking' his partners during the times he doms.

So/nia:

* Lowkey has a bladder of steel tbh, tho you'd never expect it by looking at her. It takes a lot to get her desperate and even more for her to crack enough to show her needs to others.

* She had a lot of long lectures/lessons, meetings, social events, formal balls, etc. growing up, so she just got used to waiting a lot between breaks so as not to interrupt or be rude to her guests. This also makes her wicked good at remaining completely calm on the outside and keeping the quiver out of her tone even when she's absolutely dying.

* Even once people know her problem, she would NEVER grab herself or dance. Literally the most you'll get out of her is legs crossed at the ankles. For the most part the only sign of her desperation is the slight fullbody shivering where she has her muscles and posture strained. If you're very lucky she may wince or her voice will start shaking/get breathy (her breathing gets super fast and shallow when at her absolute limit. Like nearly hyperventilating fast).

* While not shy at all about asking/telling others where she's going, she was raised with manners. She refuses to interrupt while others are busy, and will wait until she feels the time is appropriate to but into convos or leave the room, even if that could take a long time. She will not skip out on a group task if she can help it bc she feels very strongly about doing her part and not coming off as a slacker (so group investigations/new island exploring/building for Us/ami in Island Mode are all LONG tasks she will force herself to stick out without complaint, even if she's about to wet herself).

* Despite being a princess, she definitely doesn't view anything as being 'beneath' her. If someone asks her to just go outside/in a sketchy place/strange receptacle, she'll do it without question as soon as they agree to glance away. In fact, sometimes it's actually a little thrilling.

* If she did wet herself she would certainly be embarrassed, maybe even teary-eyed depending on the situation/who was around. However, it certainly isn't the end of the world for her, and she would be able to brush it off fairly easily once she got cleaned up and had a chance to breathe. Could probably start making jokes about it by the next day, or just wait patiently for everyone to forget about it.

* Probably has a big piss kink (for others. She isn't much on doing holds herself, minus an occasional 'Damsel in Distress' type roleplay). And honestly just a big one for domming others (sometimes sweetly, sometimes cold/cruel like True Royalty). She looks cute but She Nasty (tm). Gun/dham and Haji/me (to a lesser extent, bc his smart-ass take-no-shit attitude makes him a bit of a brat sometimes lol) are her bitches.

M/ikan (I have to split hers in two bc I have polar opposite hcs) :

Non-Despair M/ikan -

* Is every bit as shy uwu ohnoooo~ as you'd imagine. Super blushy and fidgety and teary-eyed but never admits what's wrong even once it's obvious, to the point of potty-dancing in place (but she's Totally Fine she can hang in there and doesn't need to stop what she's doing)! You literally have to drag her away to the bathroom if u don't want her to have an accident. Would rather die than inconvenience anyone by telling them she has to go, will berate herself for the inconvenience when that backfires and she's made a mess of herself, 120% convinced everyone hates her and p much refuses any comfort bc she's so trapped in the spiral. Bawls her eyes out.

* If on a rare occasion she does work up the nerve to speak up and is denied, that's it. She will not dare ask again even if the person didn't realize how badly she had to go. Nope. Clearly her only option is to hold it until she can't anymore, or until she's alone and can run off by herself.

*Also she totally would whimper to herself in The Worst omo video star voice lmao "Oh noooo I'm leaking into my panties~, it's cOmIng OuTtttt~ uwu uwu uwu" (i'm not making fun of those istg but u know Exactly what 'sexy baby' voice I mean. That is Mi/kan. Don't be so fake bitch We Know u didn't fall spread eagle naturally)

* Says 'Potty' unironically. It's the only word she uses for the bathroom.

* Surprisingly not bladdershy at all. She's actually the opposite. Will go Anywhere (but will be embarrassed while doing it).

* She's used to holding a lot bc afraid to leave class/stuck helping patients for hours on end. However while she has a wicked high capacity and stays very hydrated, she has pretty shaky control. Leaks A LOT, be it in general or bc she gets startled/nervous. She's like a chihuahua lmao. She wears medical liners when on duty as a nurse or during school, but for general hangouts she forgoes them (totally bc she forgot and Not bc she wanted to show her wet panties off to strangers/peers when she falls again, that would be Slu/tty and Improper).

* Once held for ages and then ended up wetting herself just bc Hiy/oko told her to. It wasn't actually a request, just a one-off snippy comment that H forgot about like 10 min after she said it and walked away. When she found out Mi/kan took it seriously she absolutely lost it laughing for the next few days

*Her potty dances include lots of thighs rubbing together/hunching over, hands wandering dangerously close only to pause and grip her skirt/dress hem, hopping from leg to leg and shaking at the knees. She's pitiful when desperate and very cute. Pants and whimpers near constantly, nibbles at her knuckles to try and muffle it.

* Knows when she's at risk of actual damage from holding, but it's still a 50/50 shot of whether she'll break down and go or keep trying to hold. She knows it's unwise, but due to her complete lack of self worth she doesn't really care if her own body is damaged.

* That said, she monitors everyone else very closely and will harass them firmly to take breaks if they're at risk.

Despair/True Mik/an -

* MASSIVE PISS KI/NK. Loves to be dommed/told to hold until she wets. LOVES to do the same to others and tell them all the mean things for a change. She will borderline Break You.

* Takes great satisfaction in watching others struggle. If given an opportunity to make others desperate/prevent them from getting to a bathroom without revealing herself, she will definitely take it. She has no sympathy.

* The Queen of lacing things with diuretics, but can also often find that boring/too easy. A bit disdainful of that method tbh.

* Tying ppl down to hold or hooking them to IVs and 'misplacing' the call button is more her style.

* Used to hold for Jun/ko a lot to appease her. Would be willing to hold for Na/gito, but tbh he's just as willing to hold for her so it's a bit of a stalemate and they've yet to work out who does what.

* Will piss on her victim/lover while staring them directly in the eyes. Does not flinch. She toes the line between sexy and just plain creepy lol

i just caught the tail end of JW: Fallen kingdom (after the indoraptor escapes) and i HAVE SOME THOUGHTS!

FIRST OFF, the new movies were obvious cash grab, like they just threw out everything the first 3 movies worked towards! like the dinos in Jurassic Park were what we thought dinos looked like, the raptors in 1 were warm blooded and fogged up the glass with their breath. in three we thought dinos had proto-feathers so the raptors had quills. but the dinos in world look the SAME. we know that velos r lil and fluffy, but they just add a throw away line and go “nah, we want them to be scary” like we could’ve had a feathered utahraptors instead of big naked velos.. the IndoRex/raptor could stay the same cause they’re gmos and made to be scary/ a weapon

SECONDLY, no woman has died in any of the Park movies, but world just had to kill off the nanny in an absolutely brutal way. plus her death didn’t even add to the plot, it was just to show off the CGI and carnage. Woman inherit the earth was on of the most well known lines from Park and World just dumped in the garbage

THIRDLY, the dinos don’t behave like dinos, or any animal! excluding the Indos, the regular ass dinos wouldn’t just go on a rampage. when the IndoRex releases the Pterosaurs, they wouldn’t have just dive bombed people and carry them off, these are zoo animals, they aren’t fucking starving. they might not have even left their enclosure, tho they could have been trying to escape the IndoRex. i doubt they would have flown into the helicopter, maybe in a panic but they seemed pretty intent on killing the people inside. and all this is just the first World... like holy fuck Fallen Kingdom,,, these dinos have 0 survival instinct.. So the volcano is erupting, if ur on the island u know cause u can SEE the mountain spiting smoke, plus the fucking ground is shaking. BUT FOR SOME REASON, all the dinos r just unaware. like Owen wakes up after being tranqed and a Triceratops wakes him up with a lick, and we’re just gonna ignore that Owen was inches from lava and fine, but WHY would she stop to check out this dude with lava nearly flowing up her ass. then we got the gyrosphere scene. WHY would the carnosaur try and hunt while the volcano is going off?? why would the Trex try and hunt? (also how did they get the Trex when she deffo got hit by the blast wave) And then we got the Suchomimus literally getting lava dripped on her while she tries to get Claire and Franklin. you’d think the volcano would get the dinos to react, like at all, but they just ignore it until the last second!

i cant even get into the dinos behavior in the mansion cause idk how a wild dino placed in a cage would really behave. i dont think the Stygimoloch would constantly bash her head into the wall cause Owen eggs her on.

just.. Jurassic World and Fallen Kingdom could have been so much better, if they actually tried to make a good movie and not just try to ride the coat tails of the original trilogy, god and i could make an entire separate post about how the World movies are modern remakes of JP 1 and 2...

Idk where you get the idea that feminism is anything like you say it is but... maybe you should get off tumblr? I literally don't know one single feminist like the ones you describe and I'm deep in the movement. Stop basing your opinion off parodies.

This is going to be fun. If you don’t know a single feminist like the ones I describe and interact with throughout my blog, then you either live in your bedroom, completely shut off to the world or the more logical choice and that’s you’re a complete fucking liar. Let’s have a little look into some of these feminists, that you just so happen to conveniently know nothing of their existence. 

First of all let’s look at some of the horrible shit feminists have done:

The feminist group WAR has petitioned to have the government stop prosecuting women for filing false accusations.

Feminist Mary Koss denies male rape victims.

Feminists violently protesting against Warren Farrell at U of Toronto.

17,000 feminists at protest attack and sexually molesting a group of Rosary-praying Catholic men who were peacefully protecting the cathedral.

Feminists shut down a talk about male suicide and force university to stop acknowledging International Men’s Day

Feminists shut down forum for battered husbands.

Feminists started a campaign against Father’s rights groups

Feminists fought against laws granting men anonymity until charged with the crime of rape—not convicted, just charged.

Feminists fought against a law to end to the justice system favoring women simply because they are women, and giving men harsher sentences simply because they are men.

Feminist fought against men want equal treatment when victims of domestic violence, and to not be arrested for the crime of “being male” under primary aggressor policies.

Feminists force university president to resign after he claimed that we should all be entitled to free-speech

Feminists in India and Israel fought against female rapists being arrested, charged and convicted of rape.

Feminists harass and abuse teacher because his wife said that people should be allowed to wear Halloween outfits

Feminists fought against a economic stimulus for male-dominated job such as construction, etc.

Feminist fought a law against  Paternity Fraud.

Hateful Quotes by Feminsts

Feminist Harriet Harman has publicly requested employers to hire women in preference to White men if both job candidates are equally

Equality Minister,feminist Patricia Hewitt, was found guilty of breaching the Sex Discrimination Act by “overlooking a strong male candidate for a job in favour of a weaker female applicant”.

The lesbian feminist prime minister Johanna Sigurdardottir has vowed to “end of the Age of Testosterone

Feminists want to make peeing while standing illegal

Erin Pizzey had to flee the UK because she and her family received death threats and her dog murdered all because feminists didn’t like that she discovered women were equally as violent as men.

Also Suzanne Steinmetz and her children received death threats and bomb threats she discovered that  the rate at which men were victimized by domestic violence was similar to the rate for women.

Richard Gelles and Murray Straus  have all received death threats from feminists, simply for publishing their findings (that female-to-male family violence was equal to the rate of male-to-female violence).

Feminist attacks male cartoonist and is hailed a hero of feminism.

Try to shut down female prisons.

Feminists prevent a meeting about male suicide.

Jezebel mocks men who are abused.

Create rape laws that exclude female rapists.

Make it impossible to charge women with rape.

Feminists force children to swear in propaganda videos

Feminists create propaganda videos encouraging to kill men

Feminists don’t want the gov to help unemployed men.

Feminists say men can’t talk about domestic abuse.

Feminists cover up female domestic abuse stats.

Now let’s take a look at just some of the things they have had meltdowns over: 

Domino’s pizza boxes A campaign slogan written on a Domino’s pizza box, which conveyed their refusal to adhere to requested toppings changes on their artisan pizzas as a good thing, is sexist, as it perpetuates “rape culture.”

Science The University of Wisconsin - Madison (UW) offers “a post-doctorate in ‘feminist biology’ because biological science is rife with sexism and must be changed to reflect feminist thinking.” 

Voting for Donald Trump If you voted for Trump in the primary, it was clearly a sexist reactionary vote to the tsunami of Girl Power taking over America, according to Salon. Obviously, this “logic” extends to your vote in the general.

Fireworks Sexist fireworks are nothing more than a symptom of toxic masculinity: “Isn’t it sort of messed up that we celebrate our freedom by pretending to blow things up? Like a strange, collective working out of trauma,” explains NPR reporter Sarah McCammon.

Lab Rats Barbra Streisand explains: “Gender inequality even extends to mice in the labs. They’re all male! …So even female mice are discriminated against! When I asked why, the answer I got was that female mice have hormones so they’re more complex. Well, so are women!”

Calling a “pantsuit” a “pantsuit” As the New York Post points out, feminists find the word “pantsuit” sexist: Although pantsuits and traditional men’s suits are stylistically different, it’s sexist to differentiate between them with the added word “pant.”

Bras Bras are sexist because men don’t have to wear them.

Architecture As one progressive art professor explained: “architectural design has been dominated by men in order to promote a social/political order dominated by men.”

Complimenting a woman on her cooking According to Scientific American, complimenting a woman on her cooking reinforces gender stereotypes, and is a form of “benevolent sexism.”

Air conditioning Women are cold while men bask in the sexist office air conditioning. 

The word “too” In a piece titled “The 3-Letter Word That Cuts Women Down Every Day,” Huffington Post’s Cameron Schaeffer explains that use of the adverb “too” promotes the pretense that women are never good enough; they are either “too” this or “too” that.

Tickling Posting in America’s favorite feminist site we swore was satirical, Everyday Feminism, male feminist Jamie Utt explains that his incessant playful tickling of his girlfriend is actually rooted in inherent sexism, which was fostered by the patriarchy. Essentially, Jamie tickling his girlfriend is perpetuating rape culture: “Taken to its destructive ends, this can look like a million different violations of consent,” warns Utt.

Ski slopes A published academic report in The International Review for the Sociology of Sports concluded ski slopes are sexist because they are ‘masculinized spaces,’” reports the Daily Wire’s Pardes Seleh.

The alphabet The written language established “the patriarchy” and subsequently all of the world’s sexism, claim feminists.

Disliking pumpkin-spice lattes Katherine Timpf at National Review reports: “According to a Swarthmore College student’s op-ed, the real reason that people make fun of pumpkin-spice lattes is that our society thinks everything girls like is stupid because ‘girls don’t get to have valid emotions.’”

Preferring a woman shaves her legs Everyday Feminism explains that online dating sites like OKCupid help us “weed out misogynists” by asking questions like, “Do you think women have the obligation to keep their legs shaved?” If a man answers yes, he’s a sexist.

Emojis There are no menstruation-themed emojis so… sexism.

Wearing camouflageWearing camouflage is “anti-feminist:” Camouflage is representative of “the patriarchy,” so, by wearing such symbolic clothing, you are supporting female (and other “marginalized” groups’) oppression.

The phrase “hit on” This phase is apparently literal to feminists, and thus is considered “violent” sexist language that perpetuates “rape culture.”

Saying “I love women” Bustle explains that when a man says, “I love women,” he’s actually implying that he loves women “more” than men, which “implies that [women] are different, which others them and excludes those who act more ‘like men.’”

The Declaration of Independence Feminists view the Declaration of Independence as “an historical cause of sexism, as the document refers only to ‘all men’ — not ‘men and women.’”

Calling your daughter a “princess” Fathers calling their daughter “princess,” or treating them “special” is any way, is a form of “benevolent sexism.”

Asking a woman about her tattoos A man asking a woman about her tattoos, explains Everyday Feminism, is the equivalent of turning her “body into public property.” One such question given as an example: “How much did it cost?”

“Ladies’ night” UNC seniors protest “ladies’ night” at bars because it is sexist, as the promotional stunt is “demeaning to female bargoers.”

Glaciers “Academics at the University of Oregon have determined that glaciers and the science that studies them are deeply sexist.” “Merging feminist postcolonial science studies and feminist political ecology, the feminist glaciology framework generates robust analysis of gender, power, and epistemologies in dynamic social-ecological systems, thereby leading to more just and equitable science and human-ice interactions,” reads the abstract of an academic paper on the matter.

Long lines outside public women’s restrooms “Long lines for women’s restrooms are the result of a history that favors men’s bodies,” proclaims Soraya Chemaly, in a TIME piece. “Women are still forced to stand in lines at malls, schools, stadiums, concerts, fair grounds, theme parks, and other crowded public spaces,” she explains. “This is frustrating, uncomfortable, and, in some circumstances, humiliating. It’s also a form of discrimination, as it disproportionately affects women.”

Men grilling food When men grill food, they are only reaffirming “gender roles.” A self-loathing male feminist at explains he has fallen into a “societal trap.”

The animated film “Minions” The animated film was full of “gags,” adhering “to only the most rigid and nauseating gender tropes,” complains a feminist blogger. Plus, minions conveniently “only ever serve men.”

String cheese According to this feminist, string cheese is sexist.

Words with “man” in them According to the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies Program website at the University of Pittsburg, words like “mankind,” “freshman” and “chairman” are sexist. “'Terms to Use to Avoid Sexist Language’ are also included in an attempt to steer students away from using words like ‘mankind,’ ‘chairman,’ and ‘freshman.’ Instead, they ought to be replaced with gender-neutral options such as ‘humankind,’ ‘chair or chairperson,’ and ‘first year student.’”

Speech improvement apps Speech improvement apps like “Ummo,” which tracks non-filler words, such as “like” and “uh,” are sexist because they are  “policing women’s language.”

Shoe compliments Shoe compliments are apparently “sexist micro-aggressions.” UNC faculty members were advised against paying a woman a shoe compliment, since this is coded language for: “I notice how you look and dress more than I value your intellectual contributions.”

The color pink Since there is an undeniable knee-jerk association of the color pink with women and femininity (which in it of itself is sexist, according to feminists), when men refrain from wearing the color, they are actually saying that it’s “shameful to be a woman.”

Hating the feminist “Ghostbusters” reboot. According to a feminist at The Atlantic, the “outcry” over how crappy the new feminist “Ghostbusters” trailer was fueled by your sexism.

Spooning Spooning is apparently so sexist that Slate felt it necessary to write an entire “manifesto” against it. According to J. Bryan Lowder, the heart of spooning reveals a sexist power struggle, and reaffirms gender stereotypes: The “big spoon” is dominant and male, whereas the “little spoon” is submissive and female.

Telling a woman, “you look tired” “Chances are if a woman has a totally bare face, she’ll be told by both male and female colleagues that she looks exhausted, hungover or ill … people are so used to seeing made-up women at work that an au naturale face seems anything but natural,” Radhika Sanghani writes in a piece oh-so-aptly titled “It’s sexist to tell a woman she ‘looks tired’ at work.”

Mine shaft According to college feminists, the “phallic” words “mine shaft” contribute to “rape culture,” reports Heat Street.

Tampons Women should be able to “free bleed” without the use of sexist tampons, which are only used by women because men “period shame” them. Feminists have even run marathons while “free bleeding” in protest of good hygiene apparently mandated by “the patriarchy.”

Asking a woman to marry you The sexist dominant/submissive power dynamic behind a man asking a woman to marry him acts to reinforce “rape culture,” feminists argue.

Harry Potter The fictional “Happy Potter” books and films are sexist, as they “perpetuate rape culture” by using magical love potions on fictional characters without “consent.”

Indiana Jones There are “copious quantities of racism and sexism” in the “Indiana Jones” films, says Salon’s Matthew Rozsa. For instance, women in the films are often depicted as “materialistic, self-absorbed and shrill.”

Calling a woman “sweetheart” Feminist actresses Lena Dunham and Emma Stone say that calling a woman “sweetheart” (also “honey,” “baby,” or “babe”) is demeaning to women, and can be “just as damaging as any other name-calling” like “bitch.”

Telling a woman, “you look tired” “Chances are if a woman has a totally bare face, she’ll be told by both male and female colleagues that she looks exhausted, hungover or ill … people are so used to seeing made-up women at work that an au naturale face seems anything but natural,” Radhika Sanghani writes in a piece oh-so-aptly titled “It’s sexist to tell a woman she ‘looks tired’ at work — and here’s why.”

Comic books and graphic novels Female characters in comic books and graphic novels are portrayed with “a blatant sexualization that artists would not dare to submit their treasured male characters to,” complains an opinion piece in The Guardian.

Putting your arm around your girlfriend When a man puts his arm around his girlfriend, he is expressing “ownership” over her, says feminist actress Helen Mirren: “It annoys me when I see men with an arm slung around their girlfriend’s shoulders,” she said. “It’s like ownership.”

The nuclear family Leftist UT Professor Dana Cloud says that sexism is perpetuated through the traditional family structure, which is itself “oppressive” to women.

Slow motion Showing women in videos in slow motion invokes misogynistic “Baywatch” imagery and acts to objectify women. This was recently categorized as sexist after feminists freaked out over a promotional soccer video which featured female fans cheering in slow motion.

Complaining about political correctness If someone complains that something is politically incorrect, they are really just a misogynist using such language as a cover to say/do sexist things, says Everyday Feminism. Also, they are likely a racist.

“Boyfriend” jeans “Boyfriend” style jeans are sexist for a whole lot of reasons, apparently. Being created to benefit the ‘male gaze’ is the main issue.

Farting “By farting louder the man is using passive aggressive violence to position himself as dominant, this intimidates the woman to subconsciously not release as much flatulence and thus the woman fearing for her safety doesn’t fart as loud as a sign of submissiveness, this in turn contributes to rape culture and women being oppressed.”

Interrupting a woman This is apparently not just rude behavior, but sexist, since it’s really a symptom of the patriarchy teaching men that women deserve to be interrupted, as they are not your equal but your inferior.

The derogatory phrase “go f*ck yourself” To feminists, “go f*ck yourself” is not just a nasty, derogatory phrase used by both sexes, it’s sexist against women because it reinforces “rape culture.”

The word “cupcake” The word “cupcake” enforces the gender stereotypes that women and girls are weak, frail and need protection. 

Witchcraft According to internet feminists, witchcraft is sexist because it’s woman-centric.

Hollywood There are far too many white men casted as leads and working behind the camera, notes Salon. “Hollywood’s diversity crisis is even worse than we thought: Straight white men still rule, on screen and off.”

The phrase “I will force myself” Apparently, saying that you will “force” yourself to do something is coded language for it’s-okay-to-rape-women. This “violent” language perpetuates “rape culture,” feminists say.

Professionalism “Professionalism” in the workplace is “oppressive” toward women, as it reinforces “social hierarchies that value white maleness above all,” feminists say.

The word “ladies” The word “ladies” reeks of “paternalistic condescension,” according to feminists

Complimenting a woman’s handwriting Apparently, telling a woman she has “nice handwriting” is sexist. The reason why it’s “sexist” is unknown, as it was fussed over by feminists in Bristol without so much as an explanation.

Men sitting with their knees apart “Manspreading” is “an assertion of male dominance,” and “every one” of the manspreaders does it because he feels like he has to “claim his territory and his manhood in this public space, even at the discomfort of all the other passengers.”

Running against Hillary Clinton A feminist reporter from the New York Times suggested that it was sexist for Bernie Sanders to run against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 Democratic primary, as it might have blocked Hillary from becoming the first female nominee of a major party.

The word “cheer” The word “cheer” was stricken from a college fight song, as the word was thought to “devalue the accomplishments of female students.”

Clapping Citing ‘triggering’ concerns, feminist convention bans clapping, replaces with ‘Jazz Hands’. ‘Clicking fingers’ is also replacing clapping at universities as it’s safer.

Having to pay for a tampon Feminists are upset that they have to pay for their own basic hygiene—which is obviously a condition of the patriarchy oppressing women who can’t escape their period due to sexist biology.

Finding purpose in motherhood Finding purpose in motherhood is a patriarchal trap, as seen when feminists lost their minds over singer Adele proclaiming such an anti-feminist sentiment.

Not supporting Hillary Clinton for president If you don’t support the candidate with a uterus, and you have a uterus, there is a special place in hell for you.

Of course, if you’re a man and don’t support Hillary, you’re obviously pro-female-oppression and can’t stomach the thought of a uterus occupying the White House.

Man caves Man caves are a “disgusting patriarchal myth” and often “exclude” women, therefore, they are sexist.

Reports that a celebrity might be pregnant “Ban the bump-watch: Beyoncé’s belly scrutiny is sexist, invasive and bad for all women,” reads a Salon headline. I mean, why does the sexist media only notice a “baby bump” with women? Sexist biology strikes again.

A Target t-shirt A t-shirt sold in Target with the word “Trophy” on it is “demeaning to women,” feminists complain.

A prom photo A prom photo caused outrage as it shows boys in “thought” and girls “smiling,” the photo perpetuates some negative, sexist stereotypes, apparently.

School dances The expectation that boys have to ask girls to the dance acts to reinforce sexist gender stereotypes. 

Telling young boys, “you need a haircut” By telling a young boy that he “needs a haircut,” you are actually telling him that he is looking “too feminine— as if looking feminine is the worst thing a boy can do,” explains a feminist at Bustle.

The word “bossy” The negative connotation of the “gendered” word “bossy” perpetuates the sexist notion that women should not “lead.”

Opening doors for women This is a form of “benevolent sexism,” according to feminists at Everyday Feminism who insist that “chivalry must die.” By opening the door for a woman, you are not being polite, you’re signaling that women are weak and men are here to protect and take care of them. Talk about a loaded gesture.

School and workplace dress codes School and workplace dress codes often conform to what’s deemed “appropriate” to the “male gaze.” 

Amazon On Amazon, you can search for “girls’ toys” and “boys’ toys,” such a distinction is sexist.

Gender-specific bathrooms The patriarchy created gender-specific bathrooms to exclude women and treat them as man’s lesser; according to feminists, women wanted in on the men’s room.

A statue “This highly lifelike sculpture has, within just a few hours of its outdoor installation, become a source of apprehension, fear, and triggering thoughts regarding sexual assault for many members of our campus community,” reads the petition in part. “While it may appear humorous, or thought-provoking to some, it has already become a source of undue stress for many Wellesley College students, the majority of whom live, study, and work in this space.” More than 300 students at the women’s liberal-arts college have asked that it be removed. But the naked paintings and sculptures of Trump are celebrated?

Viewing Friday the thirteenth as unlucky “According to the Feminist Internet, Friday the 13th being considered ‘unlucky’ is apparently a manifestation of the patriarchy because Friday is the only day of the week named after a female goddess, and a group of 13 women was considered to be a coven of witches approximately 9 billion years ago.”

The phrase “too much information” According to feminist icon Lena Dunham, “TMI” is used to belittle women’s experiences, where as men are rewarded with for their sharing.

Calling Hillary Clinton “shrill” Calling Hillary Clinton “shrill” is a gendered attack, according to feminists.

Calling a woman “pretty” This is another form of “benevolent sexism.” Men call women pretty to emphasize that all they are worth is their appearance.

The SATs According to The New York Times, SAT testing may feature questions that are viewed as “stereotype threats.” For instance, one math question show that more boys than girls in math classes. Females will apparently lose self-worth over such a “microaggression.”

The “kiss cam” The “kiss cam” clearly acts to perpetuation “misogyny” and “can sexually disempower women” by making women feel obligated to a man.

The Olympics Some sexist announcers covering the Olympics had the audacity to mention that female athletes had children; some even credited a male coach for coaching. 

Denying the mythical gender pay gap If you don’t buy into the debunked gender pay-gap myth, you obviously hate women and want them to be paid less than men, according to feminists.

Denying the mythical “rape culture”Denying the politicized and exaggerated “rape culture” means you’re a sexist who doesn’t want to combat rape.

Being pro-life If you believe that babies should not be killed in the womb, you actually hate “empowered women.”

Being a Republican And of course: All Republicans are sexist woman-haters, just ask disgraced DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Let me guess, these women aren’t feminists or they may not exist altogether? You claim you’re deep in the movement, maybe that’s why you’re denying the facts, as usual. Fuck off

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

Tribal Council #11: Orion

Let’s get to the questions.

Kori, 8 people left, how do you ensure that you aren’t going home when the stakes are so high?

Honestly fam, I'm just trying to not die in a Hurricane, and since I have to vote early, I'm sure the context of the tribal as I understand it is bound to change dramatically, and I'll vote incorrectly. I'm just hoping for myself to both be alive and in this game come tomorrow. But we'll see how it all shakes down.

Loris, still possibly 2 idols left in this game, should we expect more split votes?

I don’t think so.. especially considering it’s final eight where every vote matters and there aren’t massive majorities forming that can afford to do it. Also the idols haven’t been played very well so far.. let’s hope that’s a trend!

Roxy, first Dani and now Drew T have both expressed disdain towards you as they exited the game, what does this mean?

Ok firstly dani had disdane towards me because of smthing I didnt do and we made up. As for Drew t, well, weve been playing this game together since day one so he probably felt like I betrayed him since weve gone through a lot of tribals together. It just means he felt betrayed. Although I did feel close to him and his thoughts are justified I think had he put more effort into talking to me I might have felt closer to him. It was usually only me striking up the conversation and we only had about two or three full on conversations. Its easy to believe things others say and its easy to feel distant from someone if you are the only one putting an effott into having a conversation

Andrea, you also received 2 votes against you, so I’m gonna ask the same question to you that I asked Ci’ere, how does that make you feel going into this tribal?

lmFAO like trash. I know Ci'ere is still super mad like im sorry ilu still :(( im 100000% expecting some more votes this tribal and if trend continues itll be 3 so next round ill get 4 and be peacin out!! lol all jokes asides yikes I didnt mean to burn bridges I was busy like I said and had no time to even check into things. If I did I would have voted Drew. I really hope that wont be used against me, because I really love this game and 8th is just kinda sucky!

Ci’ere, you got 2 votes against you last tribal council, what happened and does that make you worried going into this tribal?

This is a rebuttal to Miss Andrea’s statement: I’m not mad. I never claimed to be mad. I never said anything to make you believe that I was mad. If I was mad, you would definitely know that I am mad. If you think I was mad before, you have not experienced my madness. If anything, I feel betrayed by a certain straight white male that shall not be named at this moment in time because I was willing to go to the end with him. However, he had no problem with signing my death certificate even though he had 6 other options to choose from excluding Drew T. & myself. Anyway, Andrea, I was just trying to understand why you voted for me because you didn’t have to. I (and probably others) told you 12+ hours before the deadline that Drew T.’s name was being thrown out, yet you followed the straight & told people you weren’t voting for Drew T. So don’t sit here and act like you didn’t know because you did. You made that decision on your own.

Emma, Drew T also didn’t say very nice words about you as he left… what do you have to say about that?

FIRST of all im not taking what he is saying seriously i never needed him on my side idc lol Sierra dawn thomas is just an okay player she was good in game changers thats it also if your basing everything on touchy subjects well ur not really aware sorry not sorry xxxx but at the end of the day its just a game i dont think any poorly him or hate him but im just saying hes wrong OOP

Sam, you scored 0 points at this challenge, what happened?

i was focused on tryna google answers and was a few seconds late to submitting so rip my 6 points

Drew H, CONGRATULATIONS on winning immunity once again!! How are you feeling?

Or um...12, I guess

Let’s go ahead and get to the votes.....

But before we do that... Emma stands.

Play the game or quit was said last round oh look surprise bitch! im actually playing the game

This IS the hidden immunity idol from Revati. She is playing this idol for: Roxy. Any votes for Roxy will NOT count.

First vote:

oh my god okay... either this is a throw vote which I’m fine with or this is an important vote and if so I’m rlly sorry I just can’t do this anymore and if people are being fussy about the votes then they leave me no choice but to do things like this

Roxy. (does not count.)

Second vote:

i know you're gonna hate me, but i feel this is best for my game. sorry :c

Roxy. (does not count.)

Third vote:

Realistically by virtue of me voting for you, you're gonna stay anyway but oh well talk to you tonight after it fails, i guess <3

Emma.

Fourth vote:

KMS

Kori.

Fifth vote:

Emma.

Sixth vote:

LMAOSOCKGH WHAT THE FUCK THIS WAS DECIDED IN THE LAST 3 MINUTES HELP

Kori.

Seventh vote:

I did not want this but I know where I wanna be down the line and I knew my options and this one I think will work out better for me in the long run.

Emma.

Eighth vote:

I am so fucking sorry kori I did not wanna do this. But I cannot vote someone who wants to idol me and this is how its turned out. Iku so much u are the only one who genuinely talked eith me this game. God this is literally killing me

Kori.

Meaning, this vote is ending in a tie. 3 votes Kori and 3 votes Emma. Everyone but Kori and Emma has 24 hours to send in your tie breaking votes.. remember if it ties again, you’re going to rocks.

Your revote is due tomorrow, October 10th, at 8pm EST.