#idk what that last thing is don't ask me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jascurka · 1 year

Text

how does that undertale quote go again

#idk what that last thing is don't ask me #i drew it and started laughing so hard there were tears #ms paint #my art #4 panel comic #artists on tumblr

323 notes · View notes

artkaninchenbau · 10 months

Text

An AWS comic

#My art #For the record I am not a medical professional and as far as I know AWS isn't even something you can be diagnosed with???#It's so hard to describe what the two sensory hallucinations really *FEEL* like #Like the time one... You know how a dramatic slow motion scene looks like in an anime?#It's like that but if you made it a 60 fps interpolated version of it #It is an absolutely bizarre feeling #Meanwhile the hyper awareness and everything feeling intense feels like how a fisheye lens shot in an anime feels #No I could not be bothered to try to figure out how to draw that for this comic #For the record I haven't actually had those visual hallucinations since I was a small small child #Hell I don't even think I had any hallucinations in my teens at all like #The sensory ones just kinda started happening again in the past 7 years or so?#Also the swelling sensation I've only had once so far. Usually I get the hyper awareness sensation #(Also sometimes I get this intense feeling of swaying when I go to bed but that might not be an AWS thing??)#(Like there's other things that could make you feel like you're rocking on a boat when laying down so I didn't include that)#No I have never talked to anyone about these hallucinations because for the longest time I didn't know what they were #And they are like. Harmless. Like I'm 100% aware they're just strange sensations but not real at all #They last max 15 minutes if even that long and they happen like super rarely #Only once have I had the hyper awareness be SO INTENSE it made me feel distressed #So like. It doesn't really affect my life at all? So why bother with it?#Also IDK if I could even go to a doctor and ask about AWS and have them know what that even is #And even if I could as far as I know there is no treatment for it so like. Whatever #As long as I don't start having distressing hallucinations or visual hallucination's I'll be fiiiiiine

271 notes · View notes

moregraceful · 30 days

Text

someone cold emailed me to ask if i was going to a writer's conference in los angeles and was putting together a panel or caucus for queer poets or if i knew anyone who was...buddy you are severely overestimating how much i network with other poets (i don't) and how often i attend writer's conferences (never) 😭

#''do you know of any other poets going'' no?? bc i hate networking with other poets????#LIKE ARE THEY LESS ANNOYING THAN WHEN I WAS 23? IDK? MAYBE?#i feel like most things these days are less annoying than when i was 23 #or maybe i'm just better equipped to deal with annoying things than when i was 23 #yesterday i was talking to someone about my ethos wrt a class i ran last fall and he stopped me in the middle and was like #you're amazing. that class was a hot mess and you still had fun and found the good in it #like no i'm not amazing. i'm just in my thirties and it takes a lot more than other people's mental health crises to throw me off my game #he was pretty ticked off in the fall when i told him the like depth of crisis multiple students were in bc he thought i should have told hi #i was like idk it did not occur to me to ask for help. he was like you're doing daily check ins to make sure your students are eating??#idk!! it didn't bother ME my job was just to make sure they were still alive! i mean my job was actually to teach liberation theology but #like i was not good at that. but i DO know how to be annoying until people feel less like killing themselves and more like killing me #anyway all that to say i can't wait to see how much less bothered i am in my 40s #i hope i have reached such a state of zen by age 50 that my spirit is unruffled by anything and anyone #i hope i float through life in a fine mist of okayness #someone says ''oh my god kasper my life is falling to pieces'' and i say ok 👍 we can get through this together👍#what was this post about??? oh right networking #good networking: librarians bc you just go ''is your manager batshit insane'' and they go THIS PLACE MAKES ME SUICIDAL #and then you're friends for life #bad networking: poets (when i was 23) because all they do is name drop (when i was 23) and expect you to have opinions (i don't)#this post is wildly overconfident in my zen considering i'm so bored of being unemployed that i keep looking at teamworkonline #bhawks are hiring for a social media manager btw. imagine having that kind of access to mr 🥺. i'd literally only do paid advertising #to gay men #i'm not applying bc social media management would actually break my sobriety i am pretty sure #but imagine having connor bedard at your disposal and being like ok kid. we r gonna catfish some gays into caring about the bhawks #basically what i do with the cuda blog lol #ok ok ok i'm done. posting. goodbye. livejournal mode de-activate #fresno oilers.txt

13 notes · View notes

biaswreckmepls · 3 months

Text

Gentle reminder - reblog!

Hi everyone!

Not sure if you've been keeping up with all the changes that keep happening on tumblr, but every single time this website and company is acquired by someone new, they try their best to turn it into another facebook, or instagram, or tiktok, or whatever the cool new social media platform is. It's a fundamental misunderstanding of how this platform works and the benefit of the anonymity and workings of the unique algorithm. But every single time, they've tried. First when yahoo got it, then when it went to verizon, and then when they sold it to automattic. Now with the death of tumblr live, they're trying to do another rebrand.

Tumblr is one of the few remaining online spaces where we get the opportunity to truly curate our online space, and share and experience things in a way that can't be capitalised on. The concept of a tumblr influencer doesn't exist, because there's no advantage of it, there's no benefit of being an 'influencer'. But the only way we can keep this website around, is to keep using it as the way it was originally intended, in the way that other websites have not worked.

Likes on tumblr are not the same as likes on instagram or youtube, they don't really do anything! They don't help the creator, they don't help promote the post itself in any meaningful way, it's just a way to safekeep it for yourself later. And while that's a totally valid reason to want to like something, just as a reminder of something and a way to revisit a post later in the future, I would highly encourage everyone to try and reblog things as well!! Whether it's art of your favourite ship, whether it's a gifset of your favourite onscreen couple, whether it's a meta around a certain show, or whether it's discussions of the latest major current news event, the only way to truly circulate it and create a positive impact is by reblogging! The more people that get to see any given post, the better.

As an example, KOSA is becoming a thing again, and we're all being encouraged to act against it. I wouldn't have found out about KOSA if someone I follow hadn't reblogged it first, and then i reblogged it again. KOSA is one thing that could impact our online experience DRASTICALLY, and it's imperative that we spread the word about it - forewarned is forearmed, and only when we know about it can we take action against it, right?

I'm not saying this to try and promote this blog at all. I won't lie and say a few more reblogs on this blog here and there wouldn't be nice, but frankly at the end of the day my blog contributes little to nothing to the larger fandom discourse in the grand scheme of things. I'm saying this for everyone else out there. If you want tumblr to survive and thrive as our internet experience continues to evolve in the coming decade, keep using it as much as you can! Reblog anything and everything you can! Your one singular reblog can have a butterfly effect on a post. When you just like, the movement of the post stops there.

And tying into my blog (sorry lads, i'm only human and have to make it a little relevant for me as well 😭), if there's one type of post on the website you encounter anywhere that I strongly recommend you reblog, it's a poll. A poll only serves it's function if it reaches people who can actually vote on it, and we can only get a true reflection of the views of the masses when the most number of people get to participate in it. That's democracy, babey!

Anyways, that's my biannual rant. Back to your regularly scheduled programming, and see you in 6 months for the next big rant!

#i've tried to not make this blog particularly political bc that's for my main blog #but yeah this is also about palestine #it's about kosa too duh but idk if i wanted to mention palestine in the actual post body #if you have any sympathy for folks in palestine but don't have the means to actually help out in any tangible way #even just reblogging someone else's post could make a difference #bc it could allow someone else who DOES have the means to see it #knowledge is power and only works when we get to share that knowledge so that we all have that power #sorry for getting all passionate yall i have Feelings about this #anyways back to fics sdjfklsdjfsjd #not a fic rec #me #gentle reminder #reblog posts!!#also i know. i KNOW. this makes me sound so goddamn salty #call me out idc #i specifically wrote on the last poll 'please reblog after voting so that more people see the poll'#how many votes? 14. how many reblogs you ask? 0 #i mean. i know i've only just started this new thing but damn. nearly 4000 of you here and this is what we're doing?#makes me really question why i'm even trying to do this at all

9 notes · View notes

the---hermit · 8 months

Text

Definitely not me delaying turing off my phone and going to bed to research things for what might be my next tattoos.

#and the funny thing is i have more or less the rest of my sleeve planned but the two main pieces i am thunking for that are #not what i feel like i need rn #idk how to explain it it happened to me before to know i wanted something but it was not the right moment #i just know #for the past months i have had this feeling of i want a tattoo mmbut those two are not what i need right now and #i felt like what i would need right now is something with leaves don't ask me why i feel like botanical pieces are what i need on my body rn #and then last week in class i have this flash of the placement and what to get and how and i have been thinking about it so hard #so now i am looking furhter into the symbolism of the herbs i was thinking about getting #so than i can amrinate this for months and see if it's really what i want #i think it would turn out to be pretty cool and let me tell you i was already vibing with the plants as a gardener and as a tea maker #but after looking in the symbolism i am vibing even more #cris speaks #the---hermit

16 notes · View notes

cookinguptales · 3 months

Note

Thank you so much for the tarot reading you did for me a little while back 💜 i'm sorry it's taken me so long to say that! i do rather think you have prophetic gifts, by the way- it was spookily accurate and helped me a lot 🔮

No problem! I'm glad it was helpful to you!

I do tend to get at least one message like this every time I do a tarot night for my followers, and like... you are totally entitled to that belief! What do I know about psychic phenomena and prophecy anyway? lmao. Maybe I am psychic.

But personally, I believe that tarot has a high likelihood of speaking to us no matter what, if just because the archetypal nature of the cards means that they're dealing with problems that we all struggle with. We all have self-doubt, we all have complicated relationships with money, we all crave love of some kind. We all have trauma in our past and we all want to believe that this time, things could be okay.

One of the reasons I like tarot cards is because they are inanimate objects that we imbue with meaning. They were just playing cards, y'know? We're the ones that gave them power over us, and we did that by filling them with our own stories. We placed a mirror in those cards, and while mirrors can be used for scrying, they can also just be used to take a good hard look at ourselves.

If I say "oh, you've had money troubles in the past," who doesn't that apply to? Maybe I'm thinking about me, when we were homeless for a while when I was a kid. Maybe someone else is thinking about the money they lost to gambling last week. Maybe someone else, someone wildly wealthy, is thinking about a stock market crash that brought their five mansions down to two. Maybe a final person has just never had quite enough to make ends meet. God knows that describes a lot of people.

I like tarot because we can all look at the same spread and see something different. I see a story to tell to the best of my ability, and that's how I do readings. But for the people getting those readings, they're often looking into little mirrors and seeing how they reflect their own personal experiences.

Because, you know, we all see different things in the same mirror! That's how tarot works, I think. Maybe some people are a little better at reading things in that mirror and interpreting what they see there, but we all see something new and different and deeply, deeply personal when we look at those cards.

Love that for us.

#that's what I eventually ended up studying in college btw #the way people construct personalized belief systems and vernacular religion #I got into religious studies to make sense of the world after I got out of an abusive religious background #and people always ask me what religion I am now #and I always say... y'know... I don't know what I believe #I don't know if magic exists or ESP or the supernatural or any number of deities #I don't know if I fully believe anything anymore #but I do believe in the power of stories #how we tell them and why we tell them and the parts of us that we mix into them to bolster their power #stories can ease a broken heart or they can be used to launch a war #they can create a belief system or tear one apart #we tell stories to make meaning out of the senselessness around us but we use them to CREATE meaning too #and sometimes the meaning that we create can last for centuries #they can make a little pack of playing cards into something that I was forbidden to touch when I was a child #that I was too scared to even be in the room with until I was in college #and the stories I tell myself instead can reframe those cards as something lovely I can collect #that help me make sense of the world in all kinds of ways #by helping me understand the emotions at the root of our experiences #and the stories we tell to give voice to them #and make them material; a thing we can finally touch #idk I'm rambling a bit but! those are my thoughts on the matter!!#replies #tarot #tarot shenanigans

11 notes · View notes

mattodore · 3 months

Note

okay so because previous anons asked about sex, I wanna ask about aftercare, how they act after sex? oh and i’m curious how their sex life change after being together for a while

xoxo <3

their aftercare isn't always aftercare-101, if i'm honest. theo is very bad at it and doesn't really... ever... do that for matthias. and matthias may be very good at giving aftercare but theo is incredibly resistant to it. i mentioned earlier that theo really gets off on praise, but... he also flinches away from it. he's so twisted up about so much of what he wants and he's really, uh... well. he makes it really hard to get close to him and offer comfort despite how much he desires it. matthias can't say certain things without scaring theo off (and i mean, like, theo will quite literally run away), so he has to talk around what he wants to say and what theo needs to hear to prevent theo from bolting before he can bring him down.

matthias takes a long time cleaning theo up and massaging his muscles after, and he'll hum or talk to himself in polish so theo knows he's still there touching him (but isn't stirred before he comes to himself on his own by english he can understand). when he's finished, he'll ask theo very simple yes or no questions that let matthias know how theo's feeling without outright asking how he's feeling. he also checks on theo throughout the day, but he has to be even more subtle there or theo starts to feel smothered. is your body okay? do you want me to get you dressed? does your head hurt? do you want me to read to you? he focuses on asking about the physical and what theo wants to do rather than theo’s emotions. matthias has learned that asking if theo's feeling okay after is a quick way to trigger a very, very negative response in theo. it's one of the reasons why i think matthias is constantly asking theo in the heat of sex how he's feeling, because that's when theo is so preoccupied by the physical aspect that the emotional effects leak out without him fighting to keep them in. it takes a few months for theo to get comfortable with the feelings he has after sex with him before matthias can really give him proper aftercare. that’s why the sex they have early on is never anything too crazy. matthias coaxes theo into a better place first.

i also think it’s important to clarify that it’s not like they’re always having kinky sex. still, theo usually needs physical touch after vanilla sex as well. matthias himself always craves conversation afterwards, so he waits for theo to stir awake (because he often falls asleep after sex) or come back into his body fully to talk to him.

as for changes to their sex life after they’ve been together for awhile… i believe i've talked about this before, but their sexual dynamic turns on its head after a few years. theo starts to take control of the reins and gets more comfortable asking for and doing what he wants. with theo he just has a lot holding him back and it's only after he's grown as a person and worked past a majority of his intimacy issues that he can act on the desires he's been burying waaay down. there's a sort of brattiness that theo starts to have a lot of fun with during sex—a lot of pushing and prodding, withholding, insulting... matthias is having the time of his life lmao, like he loves being challenged and pushed around. matthias takes on a more submissive role during sex as they age, which is fun for him. plus it's kind of the dynamic they've always had outside of sex anyway. of course, there are never any set roles in their sexual life so i'm not saying that it's always like that, but theo enjoys telling matthias what to do and how to do it. they have a lot of fun with it.

#river dipping #asks #anonymous #oc extras #nsft #theodore doe #matthias evanoff #a burning house to live in #echthroi #finally done..... actually patting myself on the back for being able to answer all of these in a day and a half like #normally being asked anything abt my ocs takes me forever to get to bc i just take everything so seriously #......................................exhibit a: this reply jnjhkjfnghk #my ocs are just really complicated so i feel like i have to really expand upon each new bit of information #like theo is NOT ! well adjusted in the slightest #and while matthias can read people very easily it doesn't mean that there aren't times where he messes up #theo is very closed off and he will lash out at the slightest thing that spooks him #and he also... is not really experienced in having good sex yk? so he's so bad at aftercare which i guess is like. well.#good thing your partner is someone who's used to being left to his own devices after experiencing major physical and emotional stressors #matthias can usually take himself out of a scene just because of the nature of his past...#but i think theo does pick up on what matthias does for him after awhile and he tries incorporating it into 'aftercare'#but................. i don't think he really understands what all he should be saying and doing for a few years like not until he's #domming matthias more frequently and has taken the time to look at The Internet lmao jkfjnhkjn i imagine it shocks him a bit #matthias may be good at sex but he does have his blind spots and those normally involve himself… so he never told theo that what he does #for him should be reciprocated………… additionally matthias is very much a giver not a taker #like he doesn’t expect or even really want theo to ask how he’s feeling. but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need that.#….have been rereading this for the last thirty minutes idk why this is what i’m like Yikes ! about responding to 😭#whatever post ‼️ theo isn’t good at sex i’ve said it before who can be surprised he gives zero aftercare

12 notes · View notes

taegularities · 1 year

Text

being here has never felt this suffocating.. it feels impossible sometimes to continue

#i wish you'd talked to me about it instead of making a post with screenshots #because that was nothing i did intentionally... i didn't wake up thinking 'i will be racists today' it was a mistake i'm not proud of #i meant my apology and i said i understand when people are offended and that i'm sorry #i know it was wrong and i'm ready to learn from it to not hurt people anymore and idk why it warrants calling me a full racist #and i don't know how you saw that ask bc it was days (or yesterday? idk anymore) ago and you blocked me weeks (months?) ago #you'd have to actively seek that ask out or look through my posts if im blocked for you #and if it wasn't you but someone else who pointed it out for you idk how you guys got to the point of scanning my blog #if i ever hurt anyone im ALWAYS open to talking about it. i remember once using a word wrong and someone pointed it out on anon #and I've never used that word ever since #i would've immediately apologised and deleted that bit too if you'd texted me just one sentence a la 'hey that's so not okay'#and you did the same thing when i went alway last time... never communicating but going against me while so many others reached out to me #if i didn't see anything wrong about this thing now i wouldn't have made that post. im not scared of disagreeing with ppl #and i don't know what you want me to do? i didn't even know M when their thing happened and still felt bad for them.. me or those who are #defending me didn't go against M... how would you think it's the same people? idk man #idk.. i can apologise a 100 times and it won't be okay. and if i don't say anything im dodging the topic it'll never be enough no matter #what i do #reach out to me jords tell me what i can do bc i did NOT mean to ever hurt anyone and im so freaking sorry that i did #<— this msg especially to those who were directly hurt #idk what to do so you stop posting so many screenshots #if you want ppl to stop supporting me then...yeah idk guys stop supporting me — unfollow me it's absolutely okay bc i know that was #uneducated af of me #to all sweet ppl who reached out thank you i see your messages #i'll see all those that'll come too.. i just wont answer so no one drags y'all #thank you that's it #go ahead and screenshot this too. i can't do anything else anymore #also.. the only parts i edited in my apology were 'i didn't mention japanese' and 'i dont feel superior' which i did after waking up cos #my post was made at 5am after randomly waking up during the night #edit: stop sending my friends asks saying i deserved this. i never told anyone to defend me.. they CHOSE it and they're allowed to #that's it... thank you guys and ily #ill brb. not too long just a bit

16 notes · View notes

zevrans · 7 months

Text

#haven't had energy to log into here because my work has been kicking my ass i'm spending half of my day off laying in bed #i fell asleep yesterday after my 2nd shift in my clothes with no blanket and woke up freezing at 7 am 🤧#i layed on the bed for 5 mins just to regain strenght to do a few things before bed yedterday and got knocked out by the exhaustion 😭#these 2 shifts were particularly hard and i think it had also to do with my coworker suggesting the dumbest thing imo #the dude wanted me to give my WHOLE november shifts to him like...WTF #he said he needed a sum of money for december and like helloo..#what do you think i am doing here?? don't i need money??#i'd understand if he'd ask for a shift or two but whole fucking month the sheer audacity..#i've struggled so much mentally to ge to this point and to be able to get this job even if it's not in my professional field #and it's physically demanding very much and so many other cons #but i've got it and i was happy i got it and to think some stranger thinks #he's more entitled to it than someone else like ??? it's just bizzare to me #he seemed such a chill person before he asked this #and i've spent last 2 work days feeling guilty for protecting my boundaries...#but everybody around me says i did the right thing so i am trying to not stress about it anymore #and i was afraid this would ruin the good work relationship i thought we established but idk anymore #i will be very cautious about him now #tbd

6 notes · View notes

katarascape · 5 months

Text

tee hee acting like the mentally ill freak i am cos i got the cheap card game i asked for for xmas cos all i wanted was to play it with my family and then turns out a) no one wants to play with me, their mentally ill freak of a sister and b) they don't like the game. Should've just asked for soap fuck my stupid baka life

#It's fucking exploding kittens #I played it on an excursion last month and had the time of my life #And these fuckers are just. Completely uninterested #And like. I never know what to ask for for presents (first world problem i know shut up)#Cos I'm fucked in the head from being the only one of my siblings to remember being proper poor etc etc #So i was just like idk man #So my parents got both my siblings some like. They spent a little bit of money right #Like they got my brother a *redacted*#So they got me a few little cheap things to make it more fair that i didn't get anything as good #So ofc the others resented me for that #And it's like man. I can't do anythinf fucking right #Ugh #Whatever #Don't reblog

4 notes · View notes

ctl-yuejie · 1 year

Text

a bit of a reality check here (and yes, i am going to ask this question in a very biased way anyways), but:

AITA for not wanting another date when the woman you’re meeting doesn’t ask any questions about yourself for like the 5 hours you spend together and approx. talks 1/3 about her ex-girlfriend?

When I told her that I wasn’t really thinking about a second date because of it, she said she was too nervous at first (which is true, she almost 180°ed when I met up with her and was too shy to look into my direction for several minutes) and that she prefers to text people for a long time before meeting, which is where she asks about things she’s interested in (we texted for 1.5 months before meeting which isn’t really my style and I was accordingly bad at texting: she texted me good morning and good night everyday and i was happy when i managed to text her and/or reply to her once a day. I like to think that I tried)

but I still feel it is weird to just talk about yourself and your ex (at hour 4 I gave up on talking about myself without any prompt because whatever I said would be the first and last thing we’d exchange on that topic).

in good (?) news: I know get how Uncle Jim in MLC felt, because she still lives with her ex of 5 years and it did come up very often in conversation. While Wen didn’t tell him, Uncle Jim was 100% right that it makes things really tiring because the other person clearly isn’t in the mindset to start sth new.

If anyone is the type to text a lot before meeting someone: anything where this disconnect can be mitigated?

because I always thought it was standard (and at least my preference) to meet up very early to suss out the vibes. But maybe it’d be better in these cases to not start anything when you’re not texting back as frequently in the first place?

#ctlyuejie writes #don't want to bad mouth my own pride month here but I am not doing the gay agendas work here #also: what is it about hitting 30 and being exhausted after a date #don't know how to describe it but I like to think I am not that full of myself that people need to ask me very personal things but not even #something like general topics both people can give input to were intitiated by her (idk like what made you interested in studying this l #anguage? or: what kinds of holdays do you enjoy #this is obv a one-sided account but if someone tells you that they are going on holiday wouldn't you carry on the conversation by at least #asking where the other person is going or would you directly dive into talking about your last holiday #i know i am getting cranky here

12 notes · View notes

dazais-guardian-angel · 3 months

Text

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

3 notes · View notes

a-lonely-dunedain · 11 months

Note

12 for Margim & Celeair

12. "help me"

Margim's old habits die hard as it turns out (I think I could've done better with this one, but my brain is deep fried and crispy so Words and Descriptions Do Not Go. I plan to shove all these little prompt fics into an Ao3 fic once I'm done with all of them, so I'll probably clean this one up/flesh it out a bit then.)

There were no casualties for us in the last skirmish with the Dragon-Clan raiders, but still some injuries, and that’s where my work began.

I’ve spent the last few hours in the infirmary with the other two healers patching everyone up. Exhausting but rewarding work, and far less grim for once. There was healing to be done, but no mourning. By the time we were done, no one was in poor enough shape that they would need to stay the night here, so one by one all of our charges were eventually sent home to rest, as were the other two healers. Except for me of course, I offered to stay behind and clean up so they could go to their families. Gathering up bloody rags and discarded vials, making careful notes of what salves and politics had been used so that we could resupply before we ran out, and anything else that needed to be set right.

Margim often stops by to help me with this, but I have not seen her yet. I imagine she’s celebrating the victory with Elain and her other friends, or has already gone home to rest and is waiting for me there. She looked tired when she returned with the other warriors.

Just then, I hear the door slowly open and soft footsteps approach. It sounds like someone is trying to be quiet, not necessarily trying to hide their presence, but trying not to draw attention to it at least. I look up from what I was doing and see that it’s just Margim. I smile at her "oh, hello Mar!"

“Can you… help me with this?” she asks quietly, although I'm not sure what 'this' is exactly.

“Hm? With wh…” I start to ask, but as she approaches I see the answer and my words seem useless. She moves her cloak aside to reveal a large black stain on her garment, her blood, slowly oozing from a wound on her side.

“You’re hurt!” I exclaim, gently taking her arm and guiding her over to a nearby cot.

“I noticed.” She responds dryly as she sits down, removing her cloak.

“How… How did this happen?” I ask, examining the wound. There is some panic in my voice, although I try to hide it.

“One of the cursed Draig managed to land a blow.” she says bitterly “Only after I caved his skull in, but his dagger found its mark anyway.” This is from the skirmish then, but… that was many hours ago.

“And you didn’t tell anyone?” I ask in equal parts confusion and worry.

“There were-” she winces as I remove her garment from the cut, I whisper an apology. I’m being as gentle as I can, but the blood has clotted to her clothes and there’s not a way I can do this that won’t sting at least a little. “-There were others more hurt. I would rather not take your attention away from them.”

“There was plenty to go around,” I take a nearby bowl of clean water and carefully start to clean the cut with a cloth, “and I would rather have tended to this sooner… What if it was-”

“If it was more serious I would have had no choice but to come earlier. But the cut was not deep, it could wait.” her tone is strangely defensive.

My brow furrows. Maybe the cut was not deep, but it was still in a place where any injury would be cause for great concern. She’s still bleeding, and ideally, she would not be.

“-really, it hardly even hurt!” she insists

My frown only deepens, it clearly hurts a great deal. Margim sees that I’m not buying the act and lets out a defeated sigh. “...I’m not a very good liar, am I?”

“Not to me, no.”

I’m nearly done dressing the cut. Luckily she was right that it was not deep, there’s little else I need to do to it, but I am still troubled by the fact that she waited hours before letting anyone see to it. It was not severe this time, but the concerning thought of her trying to hide a more serious injury –and the damage that could be done by that– is still in the forefront of my mind.

“So… why did you hide it then?” I ask quietly.

Margim’s averts her gaze “I… did not wish for the others to see.”

There would have been no shame in it, letting the others know she was hurt, for the other warriors were even bragging about their own wounds when I saw to them. The Caru-Lûth consider scars earned in defense of their land to be a badge of honor, as proof of what they endured for the sake of love and loyalty. The numerous battle-scars Margim already bears were part of the reason they so eagerly accepted her among their ranks, as they seemed visible proof of her strength and devotion. I know Margim would not see the scars from her time in Mordor that way, but whether or not she agreed with their assessment did not change the fact that they respected her for them.

None of them, least of all those who had fought alongside her, would ever think of her as weak for something like this.

“I do not think they would have thought any less of you for it.” I try to assure.

“That’s not what I was afraid of… I… do not know what I was afraid of.” she mutters haltingly, barely loud enough for me to hear. She seems to be looking away at something that isn’t there. “...It's a force of habit, I suppose.”

Ah, that makes more sense then. It was not a fear of shame that caused her to hide the wound, but an instinct carried over from Mordor, where showing any physical weakness would only paint a target on her back.

“You have nothing to fear here.” I say gently as I finish with the bandages, although I do not know if my words will do much to help. It’s not an easy thing for her to unlearn, not when it was fear that kept her alive for so long.

“I know it… but sometimes I think my heart does not believe it. We are not always on the same page.” she mutters slowly

“I understand. Well, a little bit, at least. If there is anything I can do to help, please, let me know.”

“You have already helped a great deal, there is nothing more I would ask of you.” she sighs “I think I would just like to go home and sleep.” she pauses, a somewhat regretful expression on her face "and... I'm sorry to have bothered you with all this."

"It's not a bother to me at all! I'm just glad I you're alright now."

#this ends. very abruptly #as I said brain not do words today. will fix later #I realize I've been doing Celeair's PoV for all the last prompts with them #I think that's bc he's currently Unable to narrate in Bitter Ash and Stubborn Flowers so it's like exclusively Margim PoV there #still I'm gonna try to make Margim the narrator with the next one #idk why but I can only seem to write about these two in first person #3rd pov is easy for everyone else but Margim and Celeair are just more talkative I guess #really idk what's been up with my brain sense yesterday but it's been like #me: ok let's get these last three asks done!#my brain: no (:#me: why not?#my brain: I don't wanna words. if you make me describe one more thing I'm going to bite you #well ok then!#methinks I should wait a bit before trying to get the last two done #lotro #lotro oc #Margim #Celeair #ask games

8 notes · View notes

nicistrying · 11 months

Text

I can do it 😮‍💨

#sitting in the car outside work reeeally not feeling going in ugh #so tired #little bit pissed off w Matt bc he stayed out til midnight last night despite having told me he would walk mags this morning #so i could have another hour of sleep #my alarm went off at 5.30 #and he went ah fuck!!#and i just said its fine i'm going you don't have time now #idk its a tiny thing really but i would have appreciated him A answering his phone when i was texting to ask was he okay #bc i hadn't heard from him by the time i was getting in the bath at 10.30 #and B if he had actually done what he said he was going to do #i'm hormonal af idk #am i an asshole?#who knows

10 notes · View notes

elegyofthemoon · 4 months

Text

life stuff

hmmmm something in me the last two weeks has wanted nothing but to destroy things and if not that then to just go sleep for a while

tbh i think last week genuinely was my last straw. i think it's time for me to leave for something else. i'm tired of not really enjoying life and always waiting for that Jump in joy that reaching a milestone and watching each day go by so easily that i don't remember them, being too focused on a future uncertain

i want to live. thats really it. this - whatever this is - it isn't living. i love being a student and i do love learning, but i don't think this was ever cut out for me. i've prided myself so much in being so because it meant helping others, and i'll always be someone who wants to help others some way or another, but maybe this isn't my path to help others.

there's other things i can do that i might enjoy a bit more. but i think more than anything right now i just want to focus on myself - reconnect with the self that i had lost by draining myself for this dream. i want to find things that make me happy and pursue it. it might not be something my folks would be happy about, but what's life without disappointing others to make a place for yourself? if i spent so long trying to make a place for others, its about time i ought to show myself that same kindness and choose to live.

my mom's coming to visit this weekend because she's been hearing a lot about how pained i've been and just how stressed i am about the situation. it's going to be my break weekend where i don't really do a lot of work and we're gonna go enjoy sightseeing and going around the city and even go to a football match. i want to enjoy it to the fullest and reconnect with myself and live. but ... i kinda want to break the news to her that i think i need to stop before i break myself further. i'm tired of this dream. i miss living and being in the present. i miss the small joys in life like the sun or the flowers. even now all of that doesnt bring me joy anymore. its hard. and i'm scared because i've had this conversation before with her that i don't think i can go on, only to be met with "you just have to bite your tongue and do it." if i bite any harder, there'd be blood everywhere.

i have some hope though. the last call we had she said something like "if medicine wasnt meant for you FUCK medicine!" and that made me happy to hear but there's a difference between a voluntary choice of leaving vs being kicked out. i think if i said a voluntary choice, she would throw a fuss and say im giving up so easily. as though such a choice was easy for me to choose when i spent my entire life building up to this dream - sacrificing a lot of my own life, relationships, etc - in order to get here.

but it's the final day of the first month of the year, and i don't need another month of all the heartbreak that the entirety of last year had given me. i don't need to feed it further.

#sorry this is really long #i'm just exhausted #tw vent #vent #ive had one nice thing happen to me last week but when i pull away and look over the past two weeks ive never been more depressed #thats what i mean by cons outweighing the pros #anyways #im going to try and do things for myself. connect with myself. etc.#i dont care anymore #but don't worry i'm safe!#it's more dying embers than anything #idk how else to explain it #ask to tag #bc idk what else to tag this as #i just needed this out of my system

5 notes · View notes

oifaaa · 2 years

Note

you're right about it being weird and pointless that Jason went after Tim. in Lost Days and utrh Jason's anger and desperation was always directed at Bruce. attacking the Robins in Gotham to make a point to Bruce is one thing (a very thin one but still) but him going out of his way to go to Titans tower to specifically try and murder Tim makes no sense to his established character at the time

It really was all about making Jason out to be a bigger more evil villain then he actually was like a lot of people have pointed out utrh turned out to be a way more popular story then dc expected and once they realised this they tried to capitalise on it by bringing Jason back as a more permanent villain to all of the bat's and that's how we got Jason's real villain phase where he beats up Robins for no reason

93 notes · View notes